The Weekend (2018) Movie Script

[audience clapping, cheering]
[woman] Hello.
Yes, I'm Zadie, I'm very single.
I feel, like, there is a time
after your breakup
when you should be allowed
to be completely... pathetic.
I don't know how long
that timeframe should be,
but I feel like
it should be okay
for you to totally act out
Lifetime movie scenarios
in your real life.
Like walking alone in the rain
so that you can hide your tears
on your face.
Or taking bathroom breaks
at work
so that you can cry
in the handicap stall.
And don't judge me
for using that stall.
I need it, because my handicap
is that my heart is broken.
And those railings
are the only thing
that can hold me up.
I've often looked
in my medicine cabinet
and been like,
how much Extra Strength Tylenol
can I take before it kills me?
I do think that
being this pathetic
can create a lot of perks,
like, you get out of doing stuff
that you didn't want to do
in the first place.
I don't get invited
to parties anymore
'cause my friends are, like,
"Is Zadie gonna dress up
for this?"
And the answer is no.
[scattered laughter]
I won't,
I'll probably wear
what I wore yesterday.
In fact, I'm wearing
what I wore yesterday right now.
And my friends
won't bring me out anymore,
because they know that I could
be triggered easily by anything.
If I see a pregnant woman
in public...
that is bad for my ego.
Unless the pregnant woman
is swollen and unhappy,
get her away from me,
I don't want to see her...
I don't want to see someone
carrying happiness for two.
there is a deadline
for how long you can be
this pathetic,
which sucks,
because I think you should
be able to be this sad
until you find a new boyfriend.
My breakup was three years ago.
That's not the joke.
[laughter continues]
-Can I not smile at my friend?
-You still mad at me?
-You still mad at me?
You still mad at me?
-You are so annoying.
-Wait, wait.
You know that I'm bringing you
up this weekend
-to make up for missing
your birthday last week?
Which I had to, because I had
that TV audition in that show.
-Right, how was it?
-Bad. I didn't get it.
-No? Oh, I'm sorry.
That you're lying.
-You posted a picture
on Instagram
with an empty box
from Jimmy's Pizza,
talking about
another Friday night
with my man Jimmy.
Am I... Am I wrong?
-No, you're not wrong.
-I'm not wrong, that's crazy.
I didn't know you had
an Instagram account.
That was selfish.
-But, on the bright side,
I brought gifts.
You're forgiven.
-Chocolate mints?
I know they're your favorite
and you can only get them
at the movie theater,
and we haven't been going
to the movies as much as
we used to,
and I didn't want you
to miss out.
Ah! No way.
This is signed.
It's nothing.
There's a lot of his signatures
floating around
and it's very inflated.
But I know how much that book
meant to you in college, so...
-This must have cost you
a fortune.
-It did.
[laughs] Oh!
I think that was the night
that I lost my virginity.
To me?
Was that you?
Thank you.
What's worse than going past
your allotted time
to be pathetic
and losing respect
from your friends
and your family...
is gaining sympathy
from your ex.
[scattered laughter]
Like, he's heard about
your feeble attempts
of committing suicide
with Tylenol.
And he wants to be your friend.
So he can help you
through the pain that he caused.
And what's even worse is him
trying to make me be friends
with his new girlfriend.
That's like someone
stealing my house
and then asking me to pay rent.
-Doesn't work like that.
And my mom's no different.
She's so old school
that she told me...
[voice fades]
-Thank you.
-Don't thank me yet.
She asked. I couldn't say no.
You can always say no,
that's what they teach you
in rape prevention.
[sighs] Give her a chance.
-Get to know her this weekend.
Hey, may I...
Do you mind if I sit
in the front?
I can't understand
what she's saying.
roll the window down.
We're already having problems.
I can't really see you,
the window's too dark.
-[Zadie] Yeah?
Uh, hey, girl.
Do you mind if I sit...
-Stop doing that.
-I don't know what...
Do you...
Do you mind if I sit
in the front?
Would you mind
sitting in the back?
You don't mind, right?
You don't mind.
-[Zadie] I do.
-You don't. Get in the back.
-Get in the back.
-I do mind.
Oh! [chuckles]]
-Hey, girl.
And I guess, I'll just,
I'll get... this.
["Black Mother & Father" plays]
Can't stand this way
Of working
Not going this way
Of living
Harder and harder
I can't stand this way
Of living
Because I'm from
A black upbringing
Mother and a father
I never got
the right to say
And I never got
The right to do
All I've got is
The right to pray
Harder and harder
I can't stand this way
Of living
Because I'm from
A black upbringing
Mother and a father
Hi, Mom.
It's not nice
for a young girl to give up.
Hi, Mom.
These are the best years
of your life.
Hi, Mom.
Where's Daddy?
-Didn't I tell you?
-Tell me what?
-Fishing trip.
-He knew I was coming.
[scoffs] Not everything
is about you.
I thought I had
at least a few more years
where everything was about me.
Now who told you that?
That ended when you entered
your late 20s.
-[Bradford] Hey, now.
-You look clean.
Well, you know.
[both chuckle]
Karen, this is Margo.
[laughs nervously]
Um, thank you for inviting me.
[chuckles] Bradford invited you.
First room on your right.
Don't slump.
[vehicle approaches,
brakes squeal]
[Karen] You must be Aubrey.
[Aubrey] I'm earlier
than I expected.
[Karen] This is your room.
I'll be around
if you need anything.
[footsteps approaching]
You could knock!
Why? What are you
doing in here?
Being grown.
Who was that?
-The man in the next room.
I think your hearing's funny.
There's nothing wrong
with my hearing.
It just takes me a minute
to register what you're asking
and if I should be
answering you.
It's a guest.
You didn't tell me
anyone was coming.
I run a business, Zadie.
How do you think
I send you money every month?
It's not every month.
I'm just saying,
you didn't mention it.
You don't seem
to mention much lately.
It's, like, you're getting
sneakier the older you get.
The older I get, the less I feel
the need to explain myself.
What do you know about him?
That he paid for his room.
His voice is very deep.
He sounds suspicious.
Where's he from?
I didn't ask him.
Guests don't like you
getting in their business.
But... he did come alone.
Why are you telling me that?
He wasn't supposed
to come alone.
I just wish someone
would marry you,
so I could quit
worrying about you.
Is this Little Women?
You only have one daughter
to care for!
Comb your hair.
You wanna get on the blanket?
No, no, I'm allergic to wool.
I once lost half a hairline
to a wool beret.
But it looked good on me.
-The beret.
-Hmm. Mm-hmm.
And I would lie
and tell people
that the asymmetrical haircut
that I had
was an ode to '90s Salt-N-Pepa.
Yeah. "Push It."
Yeah! [laughs]
It's beautiful here.
my mom opened this place up
after her and my dad retired.
I never used to come.
I always had this fear
of dying in a small town.
-Still kind of do.
-[Margo] What?
I had this fear of dying
in a small town.
'Cause people
aren't really here
and there's nothing to do
except for have sex
and kill people.
Well, I know which one
I'd rather do.
Which one?
I don't know
if the choice is obvious.
-She's joking.
-Who said that?
Yo, who's that?
[Margo] An adult black male.
Why are you describing him
like a suspect?
He's a guest.
I didn't know anybody else
was gonna be here.
He got here this morning.
His name's Aubrey.
-No, what are you doing?
I'm saying hello, he's cute.
-For Zadie. Aubrey!
-Guests don't like it
when you get in their business.
I'm not getting in his business,
I'm saying hi.
-I'm Margo.
This is my boyfriend, Bradford.
-[Bradford] 'Sup, man?
-How you doing?
[Margo] And this is Zadie.
I saw you at the window.
-What window?
-The window.
Upstairs when I pulled up.
Oh, so you've met?
No, what he said was,
he saw me in the window
when he pulled up.
Yeah, she was just
spying on me is all.
[Aubrey and Margo laugh]
I wouldn't say that.
I was--
I was just joking.
I was joking.
So, what, you just, like,
stay here for a night?
-[Aubrey] The weekend.
-[Aubrey] Yeah.
-[Margo] Hmm.
You should join us
for drinks later.
No, you don't have to be...
pressured by Margo
to have drinks with us.
No, not at all, no pressure.
Why wouldn't he want
to hang out with us?
He's here alone.
-I'm fine.
-[Margo] Still,
you should join us.
For drinks. Later.
All right. Nice to meet you.
I'm gonna go change.
-She already changed once today.
How well do you know her?
You know,
we have a common friend.
Look, Margo knows
a lot of people.
And you're okay with that?
-What, Zadie?
-She's friends with Sophie
and they went to college
And she may or may not have been
at the center of a campus-wide
HPV breakout.
It's not curable
and very transmittable.
You're not worried?
No, I'm not worried,
it's HPV, okay?
-Okay, wow,
welcome to the future.
Yeah, look,
if you don't have it,
you'll have it by tonight.
That's just how
that shit works now.
I didn't mean to curse you,
but that's reality.
-Thanks for that, thanks.
-Yeah, no problem.
I bet you Aubrey got it, so...
When's Daddy get back?
After I leave?
He's gonna leave me
here all alone?
You think I have no feelings,
but I do.
Yeah, at the bottom
of a potpourri bowl.
Have you met Aubrey?
Yeah, who hasn't?
At least you made
a little bit of an effort.
I just found this in a drawer
and put ChapStick on.
I was joking.
I thought you were supposed
to be a comedian.
So, what is it that you do?
I'm a video game programmer.
[Margo] Oh, wow.
-[Aubrey] Hey.
-Are they violent?
-[Aubrey] I guess so.
-You guess?
You don't know?
There are guns involved.
-Oh, isn't that unethical,
considering all of the shootings
that have been happening lately?
Let's not
talk about politics.
It's too divisive,
too depressing, right?
Margo doesn't really
watch the news.
It's on the same time
as Real Housewives.
[awkward chuckling]
You guys are funny.
You have a really
interesting dynamic going on.
Oh, I don't really know her.
Yeah, but you two, right,
you're related, right?
-No. No.
-No. No, no, no.
-Why would you say that?
-No, you just seem familiar.
Oh, there's "familiar"
and "familial."
Those are two different words
and I think you're confusing
the meaning.
I don't think so.
-[Margo] Where you from?
Montreal, I've never been.
-[Aubrey] You should go.
-You gonna take me, honey?
Bradford doesn't really like
foreign languages.
So, did you get outside today?
-No, I didn't.
-You should.
There's lots of trails
where you can be
alone and depressed.
You should show me.
Maybe later.
Oh, hi.
Oh, I didn't see you there.
Oh, um...
You're so funny.
[clears throat]
You're funny.
-Ugh. Oh, God.
-Hey, hey, what's so funny?
[Zadie] What do you need?
What's going on?
Oh, nothing, I just...
You're not gonna, like,
go on a walk for real with...
-Well, whatever his name is.
Aubrey, right.
Yeah, I was
planning on it, why?
You know,
it could be dangerous.
-Do you wanna chaperone?
Now, we on the same page,
let me grab my phone--
-No! What is wrong with you?
You don't know him.
That dude could be crazy.
What's the worst
that could happen?
What's the worst
that could happen? Uh...
You know,
y'all out frolicking and shit
and then, you know,
he chops you up and sprinkles
your body all over the woods,
I don't know.
-Or we could make love
in the bushes.
-Oh, Jesus.
And then maybe,
then he chops me up after.
Murder and sex.
It's a good story.
-That is not funny.
'Cause I was gonna
put it in my material.
Zadie, I'm serious.
-No, you're not.
-I am.
-You just met him.
-Oh, okay!
What about all the girls
you take home
after your tired
"Gordon Parks-collecting
Renaissance man" act?
It's not an act.
I am a Renaissance man.
You can't call yourself
a Renaissance man.
Other people have to
refer to you as such.
Somebody just did--
Oh, you just did.
I was... 'Cause I was
giving you an example.
the Renaissance has changed.
-I have changed.
You're still
the same fool.
Yeah, no,
Margo's changed me.
Are you okay?
Maybe your blood sugar's low.
Do you need some orange juice,
or a cookie, or something?
Funny, but it's true.
how is this girl different?
Look, she's smart
and educated
and traveled
and cultured and...
Look, she got a great family.
Maybe this is Little Women.
Does she have a dowry, too?
Ha ha.
I know what you're doing, Zade.
You just going on that walk
to get to me.
Now why would I do that?
Look, I...
I've been lucky to enjoy what
it is that I do and be able
to make money at it, so...
I don't even know
what that's like.
There's the beaver dam.
I just love how they,
like... dam it up.
-Thank you for showing me.
-Yeah, sure.
So what do you do?
I'm a comedian.
I thought I told you
that earlier.
I thought you were joking.
No one takes me seriously.
Wait, is that true?
Yeah, maybe, I don't know.
It's an occupational hazard.
It's probably my fault.
Why is that?
Because I constantly talk
like I'm the supporting actress
of a romantic comedy.
But I feel very... serious
around you right now.
It's probably
'cause of the moonlight.
You can't be very funny
in the moonlight.
It's too romantic.
Not that this,
what we're doing
right here, is romantic.
This is very normal.
Yeah, right. [chuckles]
If you could make me
a character,
what character would I be?
You are like... an angry mouse.
-Like a mean Minnie?
-That's so rude.
And very accurate.
You're cute.
You're not looking at me.
What are you doing?
What do you mean,
what am I doing?
You see what I'm doing.
Karen is like a mom to me
and I can't have sex
in my mom's place.
Except she's not your mom.
No, she's not,
but she's like a mom,
and that's-- so that's enough,
that's enough.
Plus, you see
that I'm reading. Okay?
So you're saying
you'd rather read.
I think we should get tested.
Excuse me?
It's been a while, right?
We got tested
when we first got together
and I haven't been
with anyone since, so, what?
Have you been seeing
someone else?
No, no, of course not!
You know that, it's...
I'm just thinking about...
your safety.
I can't tell if you're serious
or if you're trying
to change the subject.
[Zadie laughs]
You have really nice eyes.
You're letting yourself down.
Why I let you down?
I was expecting
Godard or Fellini
or something European.
Oh, you're hard to please.
Yes, this is true, yeah, I...
I can't help it.
I put high expectations
on other people
to make up
for my lack of ambition
and follow through.
Are you ambitious?
I don't know, I guess so.
I think we should go.
-You're not sure.
But I think that's what
I'm supposed to say.
Because it's dark
and there are no witnesses
and I don't know you very well.
-Well, okay.
After you.
At any point in time,
you could've offered me
your coat.
-[Aubrey] Aw, man.
-[Zadie] It's too late now.
We're going to the house.
No, I just--
I felt that you were like...
Well, you know,
I don't have an excuse.
-You want my coat?
-[Zadie] No!
-[Aubrey] Is it too late?
-[Zadie] No, it's fine.
-Good night.
-Good night.
-[Aubrey] Good night.
-Good night.
What are you doing up so late?
I don't need
any bad Yelp reviews.
You could have more faith
in my services.
Good night.
[birds chirping]
When did you come back in?
-[Zadie] It was late.
-Where's Aubrey?
How should I know?
I'm not his keeper.
I just thought you might've
run into him this morning.
-Like on the way
to the bathroom?
-Or in the bathroom.
What kind of girl
do you think I am?
I'm not one to judge.
[Bradford] Oh, yeah, since when?
Pink's really your color, Margo.
She doesn't mean that.
[phone rings]
-[phone continues ringing]
Man. [scoffs]
Queenie's Country
Bed and Breakfast.
Daddy's on the phone.
You wanna talk to him?
This better not be
a Brokeback fishing trip.
Mom, do you wanna talk to Dad?
I'm cleaning up the cottage.
I can't believe you left me
here with her.
Okay, just hurry up.
Love you.
Okay, bye.
-It's right there,
I feel it, I feel it.
Y'all wanna play cards?
-We'll teach you how to play.
-No handicaps.
There's a deck of cards
on the window in my room.
I'll get it, don't worry.
Yeah? All right.
Yeah, so fun,
you gonna love it.
[drawer squeaks]
[horn honks]
[honking continues]
Go around!
-You leaving?
-Nah, I'm just gonna
go grab a bite to eat.
-In town?
I get really claustrophobic
in that house,
and we ran out of liquor,
and I get really cranky
when we don't have
brown liquor at hand.
Um... You want a ride?
Yeah, yes.
[Aubrey] You were just
gonna walk the entire way?
["Smoke Break" plays]
I just need a smoke break
Just to calm my nerves
I just need to run away
Somewhere far from here
I just need to run away
Along the riverside
Somewhere eating shrooms
Getting mountain high...
Say cheese.
Do you have a fixed bike, too?
No, a three-speed, actually.
Sorry, that was a little
presumptuous of me.
I love being judged,
it's the best.
I'm not judging.
All right, sure.
Guess I'm a little judge-y.
Get that from my mom.
-What year is this?
Oh, good year.
I'm impressed with how well
you've kept it.
I break my cell phone
after a few weeks.
The general store is up here.
Just to soothe my soul
Just like Grandma's food
When I wasn't grown
I've grown up real fast
We're all getting old
Been a hell of a ride
Like a roller coaster
You don't have to come in.
-I think I'm gonna look around.
-[Zadie] Okay.
[speakers: Muzak]
I'll be right back.
Hey. I forgot my wallet.
So, wait, you left the house
without any money or car,
holding a deck of cards?
Yeah, maybe
I wasn't going into town.
But it sounded like
a good idea and I don't like
being left out of things.
Stop! Don't!
I don't take pictures
in my shorts! Gosh!
-Where you going?
-Back to the house.
-You just gonna walk
with all that stuff?
Does this normally work for you?
With people?
I'm gonna save
this particular action.
[Aubrey] Yeah.
It's pretty heavy to carry
all the way to the house.
I'm gonna need a ride back.
Sorry, I only bought one.
With your money.
That's okay.
But I can pay you back.
I have money at the house.
It's fine, I'm sure, it's fine.
We could share, if you want.
It's cool, I'm just...
sitting here, trying not
to drink and drive, but...
It's warm anyway,
you wouldn't like it.
There's a diner right there
if you want something.
I'll get the spaghetti
with meatballs
and the chicken parm
and the ice cream,
and the hot chocolate with whip.
Did you want anything?
No, that's great, that's good.
So two of that.
[woman] Okay.
You need the chicken parm
to go with...
-For later.
So you think
you drank up an appetite?
That's very rude.
-That's rude?
-That's rude.
It's honest.
Shouldn't talk about
a lady's drinking?
I'm just kidding,
I did drink a lot.
-She seems...
-Pretty lit.
Yeah, she's very nice.
You were a little rude
to her, though.
-Me? What did I say?
I just ordered food.
You been here before?
No, but that's
what you do at a diner.
-Order food.
The chicken parmesan,
the spaghetti...
It's a lot, you know,
but it's fine.
-It's worth it.
-Is this our first fight?
-It's cool.
Yeah. Kind of.
It's all right.
I really am not sharing.
What's with the stuff
in your back seat?
Are you homeless?
No, I'm not.
I... I just got out of a...
A really long relationship.
And I'm moving.
-How long is long?
-Six years.
Whoa. That's not a breakup,
that's a divorce.
-Do you have kids?
-No, no.
Thank God.
Yeah, I guess that
would've been harder, right?
I'm just saying kids
are awful in general.
So, are you here,
like, on recovery?
She was supposed to be here.
-She was gonna move with you?
-Where's the rest of your stuff?
-We shipped it there.
So she shipped
her stuff with yours
and then decided not to go.
Yep, yep. Her stuff
is there waiting for me,
I have to ship it back to her.
So she broke your heart
and now you have a chore to do?
Yeah, I mean, she was supposed
to drive with me, though, so...
And this was gonna be,
like, a romantic pit stop?
That's right.
Man, that is... amazing.
And pathetic.
It kind of...
It kind of turns me on.
That's... that's weird.
-That's really weird.
-I understand.
-Why does that turn you on?
I can't really explain it.
I just feel like...
you're more damaged than me?
-And that makes me feel good.
That's terrible,
like really bad, like gross.
But honest.
Yeah, I haven't learned to lie.
You wanna go in back?
-[Aubrey] On this side.
-I'll just...
-[Aubrey] That's cool.
-Watch your head.
-[Zadie] Okay.
-[Aubrey] Take that off first?
-Yeah, can you pull
the sleeves down?
-[Aubrey] Yeah.
-Yeah, that's great, okay, okay.
-[Aubrey] Are you good?
-Yeah. Yeah, I'm good.
I'll just... Okay...
-[Aubrey] Oh! That's very...
-Sorry. Okay, that's...
Trying to get a good angle...
-[Aubrey] Hold on a sec.
Yeah, I really wanna do this.
But logistically,
I don't think this will work.
So... So we should stop.
And maybe later tonight?
When there's more...
And then maybe
we could do it then.
[both laugh]
-[Zadie] Here, I got this.
-[Aubrey] I got you.
-Ladies first.
-[Zadie] Yep, good.
[car stereo: soft R&B music]
What is she doing?
["Neu Roses
(Transgressor's Song)" plays]
Taking my breath away
Should've left you
A long time ago
All my niggas
Done told me so
But my niggas
Don't hold me tight
When I'm sleeping
In my bed at night
Only you
Should've left
A long time ago
Should've left
A long time ago
All my niggas
Done told me so
All my niggas
Done told me so
But my niggas
Don't hold me tight
When I'm sleeping
In my bed at night
- Only you
- Babe, I know...
Is that my dress?
It was, in 1977.
Did you consider asking?
It crossed my mind.
-I couldn't find you.
Did you look?
-Karen's really nice.
-If you say so.
We talked a little earlier.
Yeah, what'd she say about me?
About you? Nothing.
Oh, well.
She has a way of saying
inappropriate things.
Runs in the family, huh?
We should get Bradford in here.
He's a better cook than me.
Bradford cooks what?
He's really good with fish.
Fish? Just like... all fish?
Like salmon with quinoa.
He can't even pronounce quinoa.
No, really. [laughs]
Well, he must've picked that up
in South America.
He was supposed to go there
to find himself for a month
and somehow,
he found you in baggage claim.
I was surprised I was invited.
I wouldn't really say
I... invited you.
Bradford said
you wanted us to get to know
each other better, I mean.
Come on,
it's been a bit awkward.
You cleaned up nice.
-[Zadie] Thank you.
I'm trying
to seem harder to get
than I actually am.
Why you playing dress up?
I'm pretending
to be someone I like.
[chuckles] She is funny.
That wasn't a joke.
So, what do you do, Margo?
I work in public relations.
[Zadie] I was never able
to relate to the public.
Always on the outskirts
of society.
On the sidelines.
Ever since
high school basketball.
-You played basketball?
-[Zadie] Yeah.
But I wasn't good at it.
But it did keep me
from getting fat.
I didn't really like it.
I don't like in movies
where they have that
last-minute switch,
where all of a sudden
everyone has a conscience
and does the right thing.
Like, morality's a loose end
that's not supposed to be
tied up.
I thought it was
really good, poignant.
-I haven't seen it.
-Did you like it?
-You know, I thought
it was just okay.
You told me you liked it.
Initially, and then I thought
about it some more and...
it didn't resonate.
I haven't been to Cuba,
that's definitely on my list.
I've always wanted
to go to Sri Lanka.
-Did you mean Costa Rica?
-[Margo] No.
Why would you want
to go to Sri Lanka?
-Why wouldn't I?
-[Zadie] Well...
Personally, I wouldn't go,
'cause that humidity
gonna be messing up my weave.
You don't--
You don't have a weave.
[Zadie] Also,
I just have a general rule
that I don't travel to places
where I could die in a mudslide.
weren't you dating somebody?
Briefly, Ryan.
Yes, Ryan, that's right, Ryan.
half Japanese, half Jewish,
complicated background.
But it made me feel cultured.
You're cultured, right?
You like art and travel,
you probably eat spelt cookies
and drink fair trade coffee.
-I can't tell if she's joking.
-She's not.
Excuse me,
I'm gonna use the restroom.
[footsteps recede]
-What are you doing?
-What are you doing?
-Nothing. How's your quinoa?
You've had something negative
to say about everything
that comes out of her mouth.
Can I not express my opinion?
It's not my fault that
we have differing opinions
about everything.
You can't say
one positive thing.
I operate from a place
of negativity.
You know this about me.
That's not fair.
I don't think
she's being negative.
Well, then you don't know her
very well then, do you?
Yeah, and where the fuck
were you earlier?
She was with me.
Yeah, and we had
a really good time.
Look, just stop.
Fine, I'll be serious.
[footsteps approach]
[Margo laughs]
-Hey, guys.
-[chair scrapes]
[Aubrey exhales]
Do you remember
when we used to live together?
In that house
with Rita and Brittany?
-What about it?
-Well, we always...
Okay, whoa, whoa,
what are we about to talk about?
I'm getting into it.
I can't stand it
when you tell these stories.
I'm good at telling stories.
I get paid to tell stories.
Most of the time
I don't get paid.
But I'm very good at it.
-You two lived together?
With three other girls.
You lived with four girls?
It was a long time ago,
don't worry.
So, we all go out
to this bar called Mo's.
-Do you remember this bar?
You know the bar.
I don't know the bar.
Okay. Well,
we all get ready to go to Mo's
and on this particular weekend,
Rita's cousin Alison
happens to be in town.
-And she was staying
with you all?
-[Zadie] Mm-hmm.
So we're out partying,
many drinks are being had,
early-2000 Jay Z is playing,
and at the end of the night,
we get into a cab, go home,
and everyone goes
to their respective rooms.
Except for Alison.
Who goes looking for Bradford.
[Bradford] She was not--
was not looking for me.
She was jockeying for a position
with Bradford all weekend.
What do you mean jockeying?
Jockeying, like...
looking for a horse to ride.
And she was short, too.
she found Bradford's room,
top of the stable.
Look, I think the girl got lost.
And she sidles up to his bed.
And she says--
Do you remember the story now?
She says,
"I can't find a place to sleep.
Can I get in with you?"
And at this point,
he had a girlfriend.
-But he always has a girlfriend.
-Okay, not true, not true.
I was single for...
For never.
Margo, you're last
on a long list of girlfriends.
-I don't like how that sounds.
-You shouldn't.
So Alison has asked
to get into Bradford's bed,
who has a girlfriend.
What did he do?
Well, Bradford, being
the upstanding gentleman
that he is,
graciously allows Alison
to get in his bed.
And Alison, being
the fast hooker that she is,
takes off all of her clothes
and starts touching herself.
Now, Bradford's
in a very precarious situation,
so to get out of it,
he decides that he should
overzealously fake snore.
And after a bottle of tequila
that sends Alison
into a very ugly cry,
followed by a duck and roll
out of his bed.
-[Aubrey chuckles]
-[Margo] What did he say to her?
What did you say to her?
"I thought you just needed
a place to sleep."
"I thought you just needed
a place to sleep."
I did, I did, that's...
Look, and then she hit her head.
He had to take her
to the emergency room.
You would've been better off
if you played dead.
I had the best intentions.
Yeah, well, that's why
when I made my move on Bradford,
I didn't leave anything up
for interpretation.
That girl looks sad.
Looks happy to me.
I'm talking about Margo.
[Karen] She looks sorry.
She's reflective.
No, she's sad.
It's pitiful. [scoffs]
But that's not
what you're really looking at.
I saw her.
No, you didn't see her.
-What you think about Aubrey?
-[Karen] Hmm.
I think that
if Aubrey pushes Zadie
to have enough dignity
to get over you, then he's cool.
I always thought
you wanted me and Zadie
to get back together.
I want Zadie to have someone
who wants Zadie.
I love Zadie.
I mean,
I can't stand Zadie, but...
[Zadie] What what?
[Zadie] Oh! [laughs]
That's just me.
["Give Me the Right" plays]
Give me the right
To say you're mine...
[Bradford] Sex is not
the most important thing.
-[Zadie] Excuse me?
-It's not!
It's important to me.
-Is it?
Look, I'm just saying that...
at this point in my life, okay,
there are other things
that require more attention.
And how's Margo feel about this?
You're not getting any?
Look, no one said Margo's
not getting any.
-I think that's
what you just said.
-No, no, no,
I said that other things
can weigh more heavily
in my reasons
to be with somebody.
[Zadie] Illuminate us.
like who's gonna be
a good mother for my kids.
Okay, or like,
who's gonna help me
achieve early retirement.
Oh, so it's economical?
-It's practical.
-Thank you.
I love practical sex.
-I'm very practical.
-Are you?
You know what turns me on?
I don't want to know,
do I get a vote?
When a man tells me
he wants to impregnate me.
If he whispers that in my ear
and I know I'm ovulating,
instant orgasm.
And he doesn't even have
to be telling the truth.
[Bradford] Okay, all right,
Zadie, shut up.
[Zadie] It's true.
I just get so functional,
so gestational.
It really turns me on.
[Margo and Aubrey laugh]
I'm gonna get some water,
you want anything?
[door opens]
What are you doing?
What do you mean?
I mean, the makeup and the hair.
The clothes?
The way you falling
all over him?
Maybe you forget how I act
when I'm into somebody.
You're embarrassing yourself.
Thanks for the warning,
is that it?
'Cause I'd like to get back
to embarrassing myself.
Are you doing this
because of Margo?
Because of Margo?
I mean, I know
you don't like the girl.
But I don't know, maybe
you're... a little jealous?
-Of Margo?
I think you're projecting
a little bit.
I'm not projecting anything.
Really? Then why are you
in my room asking about Aubrey
when Margo and that ring
you brought here are
tucked away in your room?
-We didn't work together.
-You went through my things.
-You're still going
through my things.
-I'm not proud of it.
You're, like, five girls in one.
Look, I never knew
who I was gonna wake up next to.
You know I have mild bipolar.
And I miss...
waking up next
to each one of you.
I miss you begging me
to stay in bed.
Margo works out
at 6:00 in the morning.
Well, she is really skinny.
I think about you.
[scoffs] More than I should.
I feel like...
I wanna punch you
in the face right now.
I'm just trying
to tell you how I feel.
You used to be
a little violent, too.
That time you pushed me
in the chest,
hurt a little bit, okay,
it's uncalled for.
So I'm supposed
to feel sorry for you?
And your minor reasons
for not wanting to be with me?
-Maybe I was a little crazy.
But at least I wasn't boring.
And you still broke up with me,
turned around and asked me
to be your friend?
It's been three years
of me waking up alone.
Or next to some stranger
who overslept.
Should've left hours ago.
I have been sleepwalking
for the last three years.
And you wanna come in here
with the anesthesia?
If you think about me so much,
maybe you shouldn't
have brought Margo here.
You're putting me
to fucking sleep.
Why don't you look
through my things.
It's only fair.
[door opens, closes]
["There'll Be
Some Changes Made" plays]
They say don't change
The old for the new
But I found out that
That would never do
When you grow old
You don't last long
You're here today...
I'm sorry.
Don't apologize.
You should never put yourself
in a position to apologize.
Apologize to yourself.
You all are wasting
the best years of your lives.
And finishing my liquor.
There'll be
Some changes today
Oh, there's a change
In the weather
Yes, a change in the sea
From now on
There'll be a change in me
My walk will be different
My style and my name
Ain't nothing
About sweet mama
Gonna be the same
I'm gonna change
My long tall
And get a little ol' fat
I'm gonna change my number
Where I'm living at
'Cause nobody wants you
When you're old and gray
There'll be
Some changes made
I'm gonna make 'em today
There'll be
Some changes made
What are you doing in here?
Avoiding the crowd.
What's Dad's stuff
doing in here?
[sighs] Resting.
Where's Dad?
He's resting, too.
What did you do?
I didn't do anything.
And the last time I checked,
your name is not
on the mortgage,
so don't come in here
asking me all these questions
and getting in my business.
Dad is my business.
Then you should call
your father.
He's not fishing?
No, Zadie.
Aren't you too old
to be getting a divorce?
Everything is a joke to you.
You don't see me here alone?
Why don't you ask me
how I'm doing?
How are you doing?
-None of your business.
-See, that's why I don't ask!
You never feel the need
to tell me anything.
Because I know
it doesn't matter to you.
-That's not true.
It is. You think you're
the only one having a hard time?
-No, I don't.
-Well, you're not.
Your problems
aren't more interesting
than everyone else's.
You're almost 30 years old.
I need you to grow up.
Take responsibility
for yourself.
I don't know how to do that.
I'm gonna need you
to figure it out.
What happened?
We've been married for 30 years.
Every year cannot be
on the incline, Zadie.
When's he coming back?
I don't know.
-Did you ask him to leave?
Do you want him to come back?
I don't know.
I want to leave.
-Why we leaving early?
-Because I wanna leave.
What if I don't want to?
Then I'd say you were
being pretty selfish.
No, I just--
I don't want to be rude.
-Why we gotta go?
Because I have traipsed
through enough fields
and waded by enough waters
and now I am ready to go.
Always ready to go.
-Always? Am I always?
Yes, you're always ready to go.
Where the fuck
were you last night?
-I told you.
-How long does it take
to get a glass of water?
I drank it in the kitchen.
You turn on the faucet,
you put the glass under,
you turn the faucet off,
you drink the water.
Thirty seconds maximum.
You know I sip slow, okay?
Have I not always sipped slow?
I'm a slow sipper.
You know that.
And why is Zadie
in a man's shirt with
yesterday's eyeliner on?
I don't know, the girl got
bad hygiene sometimes,
I don't know.
Asking me all these questions.
So you getting
to know Zadie, huh?
Cool, right?
Yeah, she's a funny girl.
Yeah, until it gets old,
you know?
What, what gets old?
Come on, man,
like, the routine.
The immaturity.
The inability to sit still.
Just drive you crazy.
Yeah, it's cool,
you know, the...
laughs are cool
with the movies
and the grabbing dinner,
you know, whatever, like...
And the girl can eat,
let me tell you that.
But can you marry her?
You know?
I mean, we really aren't
that far yet.
Of course not.
Hell, you just met the girl.
You know she's
mildly bipolar, right?
Shall we?
What was that about?
Mental health.
-Mental health?
Don't listen to anything
Bradford has to say,
especially about me.
Thought y'all were friends.
Yeah, that's a strong word.
You've known each other
for a long time, you...
trade stories,
sneak looks at each other.
I don't sneak.
What happened to you
last night?
Thought we were gonna...
About last night.
About last night.
I fell asleep.
You fell asleep?
Okay. [chuckles]
You don't gotta lie to me.
I mean, we just met.
You know, I just got
out of a relationship.
No, really.
All right, I'm just saying.
You're just saying what?
It would've been nice
to see you last night.
And it would be nice
to see you...
after this weekend.
[Margo] Do you think
he's been acting funny?
-[Zadie] Aubrey?
-Bradford's not very funny.
-No, I mean...
Do you think
he's been acting strange?
He seems normal to me.
I feel like he's been
acting different, I feel like...
he acts different around you.
I don't think he acts
different around me.
It's like he kind of devolves
into a teenager.
Well, his reading comprehension
has always been a little slow.
But I don't think
I have anything to do with
what you're talking about.
I think you do.
Around you,
he becomes this, like,
former rendition of himself.
Well, rendition's
a big word for Bradford.
And he's not a good actor.
And even if he was acting,
who's to say he's been acting
for me?
Then who is he acting for?
You know he's not
an early riser, right?
You and Zadie
are cute together.
-[chuckles] Yeah?
See little sparks
flying off of you.
Lord knows she can use
the company.
What about you and Bradford?
What about us?
How long have you
been together?
About two years... about.
-It's pretty serious, then.
-I guess.
We're supposed to be
moving in together.
Why do you say it like that?
'Cause I'm not sure
I should be moving in with him.
It's an interesting outfit.
-Yeah, you like it?
-Whose shirt is that?
-It's my dad's.
You're worse than Karen,
which is very impressive.
I know that.
I was being sarcastic.
I know that, too.
Don't you think
you should apologize
for last night?
You don't think
you should apologize?
No. Look, I should be allowed
to express myself.
Who are you, En Vogue?
I felt like...
I had to tell you
how I was feeling.
No, you did not have to tell me
how you were feeling.
That was selfish and arrogant.
-And it made me realize--
-Realize what?
It made me realize
that all these years,
I thought we were friends.
But apparently,
that was false.
We are friends.
You just kept me around
to stroke your ego.
But as soon as a threat
came in the picture,
you showed your true colors.
And it's an ugly palette.
-I'm in love with you.
-That doesn't even sound right.
I bought that ring
six months ago.
Well, maybe
you should return it.
For six months, I've been...
I've been trying to propose
to that girl.
Try harder.
Yeah, so,
definitely ready to go.
I think this is
a separate conversation.
That must have been
really heavy.
[Bradford] I'm warning you.
It's not that big.
The past year's been, you know,
pretty hard... financially.
It must've been really heavy
for you to carry that box
around for six months.
I mean, I didn't... carry it,
like, on my person.
But I did have it
for six months.
What were you...
waiting for the right moment?
-In part.
-Because there have been
plenty of moments.
There was that time
by the water,
when we were sitting
on that bench.
-I remember that.
-That was nice.
It was nice.
And last week, at Chez Oskar.
When it was empty.
We had that late dinner.
That was romantic.
I thought so.
I mean, that whole trip.
That whole trip we took
for my birthday to Barcelona.
We had a great time.
I thought for certain the ring
would make an appearance
because, you know, I found it
behind a stack of Jordans,
like, four months ago,
and I thought you were just...
mustering up the courage.
I was a little scared.
-You can be scary sometimes.
No, it wasn't bravery
you were waiting on.
You were waiting
on another girl.
Tell me I'm wrong.
So I'm gonna go.
I'm guessing
you're gonna stay?
-[Aubrey] Your mom's gonna
take her to the bus stop?
-[Zadie] Yeah.
And I could've sworn Margo said
she hated public transportation.
-It's a really nice day today.
-[Aubrey] It is.
I'm gonna go for a bike ride.
-I'll come.
He's gonna... you gonna go?
Yeah, think I will.
I'll come, too.
Yeah, great.
["Independence Cha Cha" plays]
Ugh. Forget it.
They can have it.
[music continues]
[Aubrey] Whoa.
I'm coming. I'm coming.
Should've brought a blanket.
[music stops]
When I said I played basketball,
it was, like, 10 years ago.
We're walking back.
[music resumes]
[music ends]
-I think I'm gonna go.
Yeah, I got
a long way to... drive.
And I kind of feel like
I might've stepped
in the middle of a break.
-You mean breakup?
-No, I meant break.
Let me know what he decides.
-I'm gonna get an early start.
[Zadie] Aubrey?
Good luck with your move.
He's a good guy.
Sad he had to go.
-Shut up.
-What? I am.
[scoffs] You're not right.
We're not right.
We're alone.
That's an optimistic view of it.
We're still alone.
'cause we ran everyone out.
-You happy I'm here?
-You happy I'm here?
-You happy I'm here?
-You're so annoying.
You know...
I gained a little weight
since the last time
we were together.
But the underwear's
still the same.
-I remember the regalia.
And I still don't do... that.
Mm-hmm. I...
That hasn't changed.
Yeah, I was hoping
that had changed, but...
Nope, that's a...
post-marital activity.
Not that I'm talking
about marriage.
Sorry, I...
You know that I talk too much
when I get naked.
You know, she found the ring
four months ago.
I didn't.
And she was just...
waiting on me to propose.
Like for all that time?
Just... waiting.
Crazy. Yeah.
I give up on the post office
after 15 minutes.
You love
storming out of there.
I do.
I like to make a scene.
-Makes you feel good?
-It does.
I just perform a deep sigh,
rustle my bags,
just to let people know that
I have somewhere else to be.
I should've treated you
like the post office.
We shouldn't do this.
Wait, wait, how did I become
the post office?
You were always bad
at analogies,
you don't understand
the correlation.
I'm a post office?
Because I've been waiting
for you.
Or maybe we were
in line together.
-We should look at it
like that.
-No, no,
I've definitely
been waiting all by myself,
standing behind
some annoying woman
recounting her day on the phone.
Is the woman
on the phone Margo?
-And others, yeah!
And now,
I'm at the front of the line.
I don't think
this analogy is fair.
And there's no payoff
because the woman
behind the counter
is about to end her shift
and she's partially blind.
-Now I'm a woman?
-And she's yelling at me
'cause I didn't fill out
the right label
and she's threatening to send me
to the end of the line
just to do it all over again.
I'm completely lost.
It's never worth
waiting in line.
It's anticlimactic.
-You just gonna get out of bed?
You just gonna get out of bed?
Huh? Just--
Fine, I'll be a post office!
[Karen] Check out was at noon.
And I don't remember
any of you paying me.
Except for Aubrey.
-Who's not here anymore.
I feel like there's
this misconception that
long-distance relationships
can't be romantic,
but they can be.
They're very romantic
'cause there's mystery.
Like, my relationship
is mysterious
because my boyfriend
will never know
how awful of a life I live
when left to my own devices.
[audience laughs]
Like, he's never gonna be
in my house
when I'm drinking the milk
a little bit past
the expiration date.
That's a "me" thing.
By the way, it's totally fine
to drink the milk after
the expiration date.
You don't have to do
what people tell you to do.
You just gotta smell it.
Long-distance relationships
are also great
because our time line
in our relationship slows down.
Like, it's gonna be a year
for him to realize
that I have not bought
new underwear since college.
But it's perfect.
We see each other
just enough for us
to stay in love
but not enough
for him to judge me
as much as he should.
All right,
I'm Zadie Barber. Thanks.
[clapping, cheering continues]