The Weird Kidz (2022) Movie Script
1
- Hey, Fatt. You can't
come in here with that.
- Relax, Renaldo. It's a BB gun.
Besides, I've got you covered.
- I got myself covered
and I got my eye on you.
- And that's why they call me Dug.
- They call you Doo-ug.
You call yourself Dug.
- Until this machine takes
more than three letters
on high scores, it's D-U-G.
- Whoa.
Huh?
Psst.
- Whoa.
Dug, Dug! Dug, look!
- I'm busy here!
- Something to look forward to.
- Dug, your brother's
here. Mel, time to move.
- Shit. I'm about to beat my high score.
C-O-K, you are in my sights.
Come on, man!
- Good boy, Grumbles.
- Good job, duder.
- Thanks, big guy.
- Load up, you scrotes!
Come on, Grumbles. Let's ride.
- You sacks bring the beer?
One, two
- Mel, tell your dog to
get his balls off my seat.
Only my balls touch this upholstery.
- Hey there, dudes.
- Ah, gee.
- I'm Mary.
You aren't gonna shoot
animals with that, are you?
- Nah, that's not my style.
- Wyatt, I thought it
was just gonna be us.
- Do you think I wanna
spend the whole night
listening to you scrotums
jabber about kid shit?
I'm a man. I have needs.
- That thin patch of pubes on your lip
does not make you a man.
- I'm a man as much as
it counts, bald balls.
- We'll all have fun.
I'm excited to hang out with you dudes.
It'll be rad.
- Woo, woo, woo!
You got it locked under
and I'm ready to go
I'm ready for you to be mine
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
I'm ready for you to get high
I say me oh my
I'm ready to for you to be mine
- Hey, Wyatt. Can we
listen to something else?
- Yeah, I thought seniors
listened to cool music.
- You scrotes don't
know flowers from farts.
I'll give you cool music.
This is a little song I wrote for Mary.
Recorded it last night.
Woo
That's what that sound was.
I thought our cat got hit by a car.
Hey girl
I wanna take you from the city
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
You know it'd be a shameful pity
If you won't lay with me tonight
Girl
Girl
Show me what you can do
Under the starry lights
with those jeans so tight
Girl come play with me tonight
Well?
- It's craptastic.
Ow, dick-weed!
- Some guys just can't take criticism.
- Wow! That was you?
I bet it'll sound even better,
when your band gets into the studio.
- You mean when he gets a band?
- What are you calling your band?
- Craptastic Butt Noise.
- Butt Cloud McLoud.
- Poots McGill and the Hotdog Thrill.
- Ooh, now the Hotdog Thrill I like.
Drop that fart shit.
I bet you'd like the hotdog thrill.
- Mm. I think I like Butt Cloud McLoud.
- Can we pull over? I've
had to whizz since we left.
- Sorry, scrotum. No stops on this trip.
You're gonna have to piss out the back.
- Ah, come on!
Don't be an a-hole.
- Loosen up! There's no cars around.
I'd piss out the back.
Don't worry. She doesn't
wanna see your tiny pecker.
- Don't worry. I won't look.
Hey, how are
those pubes coming in?
Oh, shut your ass, Wyatt.
I'm only in sixth grade.
- I got pubes in fifth grade.
- I have a lawn myself.
- Pubes here.
- Mom told me, "Early
pubes, early peak in life."
- Pee pee!!
- You butt hole! You
said we weren't stopping.
- Not to piss.
But we are stopping for you
guys to grab us some beers.
- What?
- I bring you on this trip.
You guys get the beers.
It's the least you can do.
- We're only 12. No
one's gonna sell us beer.
I don't care how you get it,
but I will leave you
penis wrinkles behind,
if you come back empty handed.
- We can do it.
- Listen, listen, listen.
- Come on, come on.
Just steal it.
- I've never stolen anything in my life!
- It's not so hard.
You just have to imagine you're invisible.
- Oh, and get me a pack of rubbers.
- What can I get you, sugar?
- Um...
Do you have some...
Marshmallows?
- Sure thing. Just down that
aisle toward the bottom.
- Um...
Where?
Could you just help me?
- You look able, but sure, kid.
You boys going camping?
- Yeah.
Uh, my big brother's taking us.
- Mm. Sounds like a good brother.
Yeah, he's not.
He's just trying to get with the girl.
Girl in the
Jeep? She's a looker.
- Oh, uh, um...
- You all right, kid?
- Yeah. I...
I need some...
Rubbers.
- Rubbers!
Thought your brother was making that girl.
- He asked me to get them for him.
- Ah.
What a man.
Well, come on.
We'll set him up real nice.
You boys headed up to Jerusalem Park?
- Yep. Our dad used to take us.
- He doesn't anymore?
- No.
We have a little sister now.
My parents are more concerned with her.
They say "She has promise."
- Well, you keep an eye out
for the Night Child tonight.
- The Night Child?
- It's a huge, vicious creature.
Has a taste for human flesh.
Every 25 years, it roams
the park at night, hunting.
Took my little brother back in 1960.
Tore him to shreds.
All we found left of him was his hand.
- Wait.
For real?
- Hear it's back out there now.
You all look ripe for the picking.
$8.21. Those beers are on you, right?
- Oh, man. There goes my allowance.
- Tell that story around
the campfire tonight.
See if your brother shits his drawers
in front of that pretty girl.
- So, it is a story.
- Guess you'll find out.
Better make like a thief
and run outta here.
Sell it!
Go, go, go!
- Holy shit, boys.
You little scrotes have balls.
- Big balls.
- Those are the right size, right?
- Uh...
Yeah. All right, you boys
set up and get a fire going.
We'll be back once we've pitched the tent.
- You aren't setting up here?
- Hell no. We need our own space.
- Don't worry. We'll spend
most of the night over here.
We'll tell some ghost stories.
- And drink those beers.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Those are my beers, for Mary and I.
- Hey, dude. We stole them for you.
We deserve some, too.
- I'd say they earned it.
- Fine. You can all share a six-er.
Those king cans are ours, though.
Mel, does your dog have to
keep staring at me like that,
with his balls hanging out?
- Oh, I've still got some. Thanks.
- There when you're ready.
- Anyone want a smore?
- I could use something to eat.
- Grab a graham and a chocolate square.
- Food? We don't need food.
We've got beer.
- Mm. Damn, Dug!
You make a choice marshmallow.
- This cigar is pretty choice.
- Oh!
We should tell some ghost stories.
- Oh! I've got one.
You all ever hear of the Night Child?
- No, no. It's...
We need some real entertainment.
Come play with me tonight
Come on, people!
Move your feet. Have some fun!
This is a rocker!
- Where's the Night
Child when you need it?
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can
do under the starry
Come on, guys. Bring it home with us.
- Girls love a guy that can dance.
Girl come play with me tonight
- See, I knew you dudes had moves.
- Yeah, that one's a crowd pleaser.
- What crowd?
Don't be an ass wipe.
- Yeah, at least he has a dream
and isn't scared to try for it.
- Right!
I never make fun of what you
sacks wanna do with your lives.
So, what do you
guys wanna do in this life?
- Mel there is a badass drawer.
- I wanna write and draw my
own science fiction comic book.
- That's pretty impressive.
- You're you're gonna draw
my album cover one day.
He's working on his
first issue. It's awesome.
- Dug does these rad little
animation flip book things.
They're mostly of animals
farting or shitting,
but they're funny.
- Animal farts are funny.
What about you, Fatt?
- Right now, I just like
watching things happen.
- Me too.
I'm figuring things out,
but I'll do something good.
I'll probably go to college next year.
- And me?
I'm gonna have a badass
chart-topping hard rock band.
- To all of us and our futures.
- What is it, boy?
- Holy shit.
- Whoa.
The Night Child.
- Get him, Grumbles!
- Get that dog away from me.
- Grumbles! Come on.
Good boy.
- Hey, what the hell you doing, guy?
You spying on us?
- No, no. I was out picking berries.
I'm just camping up the way.
- Sorry for scaring you guys.
- Is that supposed to be the Night Child?
- Well, that's not weird.
- Good thing Grumbles saw him.
- Picking berries?
Probably just an old perv.
Saw Mary here and couldn't help himself.
- Maybe we should call it a night.
- Oh, yeah. Definitely.
- We haven't even shot the fireworks yet.
- You dudes save us some for the morning.
We're gonna hit the tent.
Catch you later, masturbators!
- Holy shit, dudes!
- Right?
- I know!
That old man dressed like a bug was crazy!
- No, dude! Your brother's
about to get naked with Mary.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Fireworks time. We can
light them with our cigars!
- No, Dug! Let's go spy on 'em.
Maybe we'll get a little peek of Mary.
- We just saw her.
- I mean really see her.
It's an opportunity of a lifetime.
God, I just wanna see one of her boobs.
- Come on, Grumbles.
- Oh, well. More fun for me.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh.
Whoa, mama.
Jackpot!
Oh, yeah, baby.
- Save the big guns for the finale.
Use the force, Dug!
Use the force.
Let's party.
Mm.
Oh, baby. Yeah.
Holy...
- Shit.
If that bra comes off, we have
to scare him outta that tent.
- Hey, Mister. I see you there.
You picking berries?
Holy shit.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
- This is better than Channel Z.
- How do we do this?
- Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man.
- Holy...
- Crap.
Oh, baby. Yeah.
Mm.
- We gotta act now, before
they get too far into it!
- What is it, boy? What is it?
Get 'em, boy!
What the hell is he doing?
- Do something, Grumbles!
Yeah, baby.
Whoa!
Whoa.
What the hell?
Get off me.
- I gotta help him!
- You're gonna get our asses kicked.
Take aim.
His big hairy
dog balls were on my ass!
- You gotta lob it.
Hell yeah!
- Shit!
Oh, my God!
You ass wipe! I'll teach
you to mess with me.
- Please don't eat me.
- Mel!
Do something! I can feel
his dork rubbing on me.
- You assholes!
- You arsons get outta
here. I'll go tend to Wyatt.
- Huh?
Whoa!
Ooh, they got you good.
It's buried in the skin below your balls.
It's really red.
- All right, all right, all right.
Just don't stare at it anymore.
- Where'd this come from?
Had it under
my seat, just in case.
- In case what?
- Hey, would you turn the
radio on and pop my tape in?
I don't wanna move. It hurts too much.
- Of course.
- And turn it loud.
Hey girl
- Holy cow, man.
That was-
- Amazing!
- You saw those pepperonis, right?
- Yeah.
Jackpot!
- I didn't need to see Wyatt, though.
- I'm not worried about
high school at all anymore.
- Why?
- I've got him beat.
By a lot, and I'm barely getting pubes.
If he can get a girl like
Mary, I should be all right.
- Oh, man.
I didn't wanna know.
- Dug!
You missed the show, dude!
- Dug?
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
Oh, man.
You won't play with me tonight
- What a goofball. Adorable goofball.
Hey, buddy.
Well, now I can tell people
I've had a threesome.
Well, not in here.
- Hey, pervs. Look what I found!
- Grumble mumble!
Come here!
- And this!
Pull up a seat.
- You aren't pissed at us?
- No.
I'll never forget what it looked like,
laying underneath Wyatt,
laying underneath a dog, humping him.
Plus, you guys probably
saved me from a bad decision.
- You don't like Wyatt?
- No.
No. I like him quite a lot.
I just usually don't move that fast,
unless I'm trying to prove something, or,
or drunk, or both.
- Prove something?
- It's complicated.
- Smells, uh...
Good.
- Why do you gotta hang out
with a jerk like him, anyway?
- He brought you on a rad
overnight camping trip.
That doesn't seem like a jerk move to me.
- Yeah.
I guess not.
- Wait. Where's Dug?
He's missing out on all the tequila.
Dug, come join us!
- We can't find him. He's probably hiding.
Waiting to scare us when we go to sleep.
- Speaking of bed. You
guys burned mine down.
You got room for me?
Dug the slug!
Dug the slug!
Dug the slug!
- Douglas, move it!
We're waiting on you!
Everyone else finished the
President's Mile 15 minutes ago!
Please, coach!
I can't do it.
- I'm holdin everyone
here until you're done.
Dug the slug!
Dug the slug!
- You should really hold your stomach in,
when you're out in public.
That way, it won't stick out so much.
- If you played more
sports than video games,
you'd be in better shape, son.
I ride my bike everywhere.
- Real sports, Douglas.
Football, baseball, basketball.
- Honey, he's going to
do what he's going to do.
Like Wyatt.
- Good grief.
Don't tell me that.
Can I go visit
grandma with you guys?
- Sweetie, Grandma wants some
girl time with your sister.
- Grandma says you boys make
our house smells like farts.
- Why do I always get stuck
with the little dweeb?
- Should we look for Dug
before we hit the sack?
No. Nah.
He'll show up soon.
Yeah. Pretending to
be the creature child thing.
- You dudes pee shy over there?
You aren't helping.
- Hey, guys.
Dudes!
- What?
- What?
- I'm a-peein...
Your-a-peein.
Not helping!
Could she get more awesome?
You dudes are hilarious.
Really hilarious.
Night, dudes.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
- You see that?
- It's Dug.
- What's going on?
- Dug!
- Cut it out, dude. We know it's you.
- Dug's really good.
- Stop it, man!
- Holy hell!
- Dug wasn't kidding around!
Grumbles!
No!
- Don't do it!
Nice shot!
- Run! To the Jeep!
We have to leave him, Mel.
Move!
- Aww, man.
- We got him good.
- He drained the damn battery.
We're gonna have to pop the clutch.
- I did not need to see that.
- Which one of you can drive stick?
- I kind of can.
- Perfect. Get up here.
Let up the clutch and
floor it when I tell you.
Mel, you and I will push.
- What?
- We're sitting ducks in here.
- We can't go back there!
- I know you can do it. I saw
how brave you were back there.
- We should wake his drunk ass up.
- He wouldn't be a help.
Push!
- Okay.
- Push harder!
- I don't think I...
- Pop it!
Oh, thank God.
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
- Can you turn that off?
- I'm retying to steer!
- Guys!
Lay with me tonight
- Keep driving, no matter what.
- Where did it go?
Lay with me tonight
- What the heck just happened?
- We keep driving. We need help.
- Man.
That thing must've got Dug, too.
- Maybe not.
Maybe Dug really was out there hiding,
and waiting to scare us.
- I doubt it.
- They could all still be all right.
Let's just get to a phone,
so we can call for help.
- No one's gonna believe us.
- Grumbles.
I just left him there.
- Wyatt!
Oh, no.
Wyatt!
- Dug.
Dug.
- Whoa.
Grumbles.
- Someone has to be in there.
- Worth a shot.
- Look.
- Oh, thank God.
- Wait.
What the hell?
- No.
What?
- Oh, shit.
Let's get outta here!
- Guys, wait! It's all right.
- Is she gonna let us in?
- Hm.
Maybe I shouldn't have
let you steal that booze.
- We need to use your phone.
- You guys take a load off.
Get your shit together.
Cute.
Who you gonna call? Sheriff?
I'll call him. He'll get
here faster that way.
We're personal friends.
- Maybe we should call our parents.
- And tell them what?
- My parents won't care. I had
to move out half a year ago.
- Yeah. I shouldn't worry my mom.
- I'm gonna make that call.
You look like you could use some cocoa.
- I'd take some, please.
- I'd take coffee, if you have it.
- Yeah. Coffee for me, too.
- Yeah. Me, too.
- Hm. Mature choices, boys.
Ah.
Anyone want a snack?
Day-old price.
- So, you live on your own?
- Yeah, I do. What the hell
are we gonna say to this cop?
- No one will believe the truth.
It's cool that you have your own place.
- Actually, it kind of sucks.
It's tough worrying about
rent and bills and school.
We need to figure out what to say.
- I don't know.
I can't wait to have a gnarly apartment
my friends can hang out at.
- Well, get ready to clean up after them.
Guys, what do we say?
- This'll sober you all up.
Shake off some of that booze smell.
Sheriff will be here any minute.
Thank you.
- Duana is the name.
- Whoa! That's a bite.
Ah. Tastes like burned firewood.
- That's yesterday's coffee
at day-old price. Free.
You want fresh coffee, I'm
gonna have to charge ya.
- Ah!
She's just a mama.
- I fed those babies.
- Good boy.
Get ready to run, Wyatt.
- So, where's the round
kid and his horny brother?
- Well, we were camping
out in Jerusalem Park and-
- And this crazy old guy in a bug robe
stumbled into our camp.
- That's right!
We were just relaxing around the campfire
and he was watching us.
- He made a dumb excuse and left.
- Yeah, but he came back later.
Once we were in our tents.
- With a machete. He tore
right through our tent.
- And burned down my tent.
- Mm-hm.
- Can I use your bathroom?
- Hallway, on the right.
So, then what?
- I want, I want my
arm. I want my arm, Dug.
They just drained its
nutrients and threw it aside.
- I need you to pull it together!
Yes.
Hm.
Nope.
Too loud.
What the hell?
- Dude, run!
- I could use a hand, scrotum.
- All right.
Let's go!
What the hell are you doing?
- Got it!
- Wyatt!
- Weird.
- Run!
- I've got to help Grumbles.
Let's just get out
of here. Dude can hold his own.
- He saved us, Wyatt!
- I shook him off the car.
- And we drove all the way here.
- Mm-hm. Mm.
Your friend fall in, or what?
- Um...
- You exorcizing the
Homestead Act back there?
Poor babies.
- Oh, shit.
- You pissed off mama.
- Oh, shit.
Uh...
It's scared.
No!
No!
- So, what? You don't wash?
- Excuse me?
- I heard the toilet, but no sink.
- I know where my parts have been.
- You find anything
interesting back there?
- Oh, no.
- Let's move.
- I'm sorry, mama.
- These two say your round
friend and his horn ball brother
were taken by a machete
maniac in a bug costume.
That sound about right?
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
- Horse shit!
- It, it's probably dead.
Dug, leave that thing.
- It's hurt.
This is my fault.
- We gotta get out of here, Dug.
Its mother will find it and
take it back to the nest.
- If she takes too long, it'll die.
I'm bringing it with us.
- Fine.
Let's get moving.
- I know what happened out there,
and we all know you'll be lucky
if there's even a piece left
of your friends to keep as a souvenir.
- Whoa.
- Oh.
- So, you really think they're okay?
- Last I saw 'em, they were in the Jeep,
haulin' ass outta here as
that thing lifted me away.
- I'm gonna need to stop for
a second. I'm dying here.
- Yeah. I'm not doing so hot, either.
- I hope you're right.
Maybe they've gotten help.
- Darlin'.
- My muffin man.
- Mm-hm.
My muffin top.
Well, it looks like you
kids had a hell of a night.
You clothesline that
Jeep with a tree branch?
- The Night Child attacked them
in the park earlier tonight.
No need for the horseshit.
- You had yourselves a run
in with the Night Child,
and you're still here to talk about it?
- Well, not all of 'em.
She got two of 'em.
- Two of 'em, huh?
- Yes, sir.
And my dog.
- Well, how about we take a drive?
You can show me where you last saw 'em.
We'll see if we can't find 'em.
- If it's not too late.
- We just might find 'em before then.
- Well, is that smart?
Going back there, with
that thing running around?
Now, this area's
familiar with the Night Child.
We know how to handle it.
- We have to try.
- I usually don't trust cops.
- Well, I don't know who else
is gonna help you right now.
- Like I said.
Usually.
- Thank you, sir.
Muffin top.
- Do you think it's all right?
- Honestly, I don't much
care for that arm muncher.
- It's just its nature.
- He's got the right idea.
I'm gonna freshen up.
- Why are you walking like that?
- Your scrote friends shot me
in the taint with a BB gun.
It hurts like a son of a bitch.
- You had your arm ripped off,
and you're telling me a welt
under your testes hurts?
- Oh, my shoulder hurts, but
my ass and balls hurt more.
That bug spit must be some good shit.
I think it's wearing off, though.
- I think she's hungry.
- Hey, what're you doing?
Get that thing off of there.
- What? You don't wanna keep
this gross meat and vein.
- Fine. May as well finish the job.
But don't let it ruin the
bone. That's the part I want.
Hey, you oughta get in, too.
Put a little stride back in your step.
- You stick here.
I'll be right back.
Holy shit.
- That bug spit is some great shit.
- I know how we can fix it.
- So, this is how the bad guys feel.
This is my first time riding
in the back of a police car.
- It's not mine.
- Yeah.
Probably won't be my last.
- My dad always had me ride in the front.
- He doesn't let you ride along anymore?
- He was killed in the line of duty.
- I'm sorry to hear that, kid.
- You kicked ass back
there, little brother.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Yeah.
I can't pass the President's
Fitness Challenge in P.E.,
but I can outrun a monster,
and hike a bazillion
miles, carrying a baby.
Go figure.
- Really. That was like
movie hero radical.
- Oh, thanks, Wy.
Tell mom and dad about it,
and maybe they'll stop calling me lazy.
- Too late, dude. We're
in the Lost Cause Club.
Good thing they have Sis.
- Here.
- Smart.
Actually, here. I'll take a little more.
Oh, man.
- Hope it works.
Hey! Look there.
We must be close.
- You all got awfully quiet back there.
- Just thinking about our friends.
- Yeah.
Hey.
When we get back home,
you dudes should come
hang out at my apartment.
We'll rent some movies.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- You mean we can come over?
- You mean we can come over?
- Well, of course.
You know, and Dug and Wyatt.
We'll celebrate getting home.
- Sounds nice.
- Sure does.
- I'll let you do the honors.
- Something to take the edge off.
Well, we're close.
I hope those guys found help.
I'm gonna
cruise through the campsite,
and you all holler when you see yours.
- I really hope it's not too late.
- Stay positive.
- Have you ever seen Dug run?
- There!
There it is!
- Ooh, it's quite a party!
- Look!
- They did it!
They got help.
- Wait.
- What the hell?
- I feel like I'm waking up,
but falling back to sleep.
Me, too.
- Something isn't right.
- No!
Oh, shit.
- Shit.
- Oh, no.
Get down
- The coffee.
- Like I said.
We've learned how to handle things.
Unfortunately for you all.
- These are our replacements?
- What are they gonna do with them?
- Come on. We need to regroup.
Grab whatever you think could help.
Mm-hm.
Can I give you this to carry?
I'm gonna need a free hand.
- Yep. Now she'll have a
snack, if she gets hungry.
Ah-hah.
- Let's figure something out.
- You wear that costume later.
- Only if you do.
- Hey, Sheriff.
- Last request, okay?
Give us two minutes in there
with that bodacious babe.
Sorry, Randy. Rape
isn't a valid last request.
- What if it's love?
- Do you really think we need these kids?
'Cause I'm happy to see
these two chuckle heads go.
- Oh, you're softy.
But not when it counts.
- Well, the one boy's father
was an officer of the law.
- The dang kids have seen too much!
We let them free, next thing you know,
they're on Donahue and we
got Feds sticking their noses
in our business and our town dries up,
along with its traditions!
That will not be my mayor legacy!
I wanna see it.
- Looks like the lot at
a Ted Nugent concert.
We gotta find a way to move
around, without being noticed.
- You needed me?
- Yeah.
Help me with these two dolts.
- Your mom's a dolt.
- Stand up.
You popcorn farts are lucky.
Next time you're gonna rob people,
do it in a town that's larger
than a couple hundred folks.
- Oh, god damn it!
- Popcorn fart.
- You boys are not off the hook!
If you haven't cleaned
your acts up by next cycle,
you'll be offered again!
I hope you've cleaned
up your acts by then.
- Your mom needs to clean up her act.
- Just suit up and join
the rest of the folk.
And remember, I'm gonna
be watching you boys.
Little present before we go.
- These little assholes are gonna
be around for another 25 years!
- The altar's ready.
- Let's get these kids strapped
up, 'fore they come to.
There. Those guys.
We can take their robes.
I don't know. Those guys look big.
- Watch.
- What the hell?
Oh, that gay lord is dead meat!
- Are you insane?
- Stay there.
- What?
- Where did that dick hole go?
- What?
- You want your little balls ripped off,
and shoved down your dork?
- What?
- Right on.
- Whoa!
- That was kick A.
- They looked like assholes anyway.
- They looked like most of your friends.
- Get their robes!
This thing is gonna be useless.
You look ridiculous.
- What? I couldn't go around
looking like a hunchback.
These people would know
they do not have a hunchback
in their town.
- We're gonna need a big distraction,
and you're the man to do it.
Bigger than 4th of July.
- Rad.
I've got this.
- Take 'em all out. We don't
want anyone following us.
- How do we escape, then?
- Sheriff's car. We meet
up there, no matter what.
Find me when you're ready.
- My good people, this night,
of the fifth cycle of our
town under the Night Child,
we gather to honor tradition.
Tradition.
- Tonight,
we offer up
these three souls
to keep our peace with her.
Her.
- We also honor those sacrificed before,
to keep our town safe.
Duana Wayburn survives her brother.
She will perform the call in his memory.
We remember
past sacrifices
by marking our offerings
with the blood of those offered before.
- There's really nothing fighting will do.
- I knew not to trust a cop!
- I'm sorry to say, in
this case, you were right.
- The blood serves as a reminder,
and the call.
A welcome to the feast.
Feast now the table.
- Mary, are you okay?
- Would you say that you are?
- Night Child.
We call you to receive your offerings.
May you be satiated and nourished.
And find peace again in slumber.
- We call you!
- Oh, no.
- I hope she's not calling
who I think she is.
We call you.
- Mel!
Mel! Wake up, Mel!
- It might be better if
he's not conscious for this.
- Think, dude. Think.
- What are you gonna do?
- You have everything ready?
- We invite you to accept our offerings.
- This is it.
- I never even got to touch a tit.
- Oh, God.
- I love you.
- Oh, shit.
- Chubby and his horny brother.
- It's Wyatt and Dug.
- It has a baby.
- How do we please two of those things?
- Those little shits are
gonna make me look bad.
- Should we be trying to
get this under control?
- Four?
Four of those things for
this town to appease?
- We're about to be baby food.
- This can end now.
We can end this!
- It's time for that distraction.
- I got this.
- Don't blow yourself up.
- No! You can't!
Stop!
Beautiful mother!
- Yes!
- Way to go, Wyatt and Dug.
- Wait.
Is this a dream inside the dream?
- Dug and Wyatt are alive!
- Is Grumbles with them?
- Muffin man!
Help him.
- Ouch!
Wyatt!
Ow!
- Police! Stop or I'll shoot.
- Ouch!
Oh, I didn't-
- Get them down. I can't
do it without hurting them.
Uh...
- Run! Back to the campsite.
My sweet muffin man.
My sweet muffin man.
- What?
- No keys.
- You!
You all did this.
- Hotwire it!
- Do you know how to do that?
- No, but I've seen it in movies!
Just tear out the wires
and touch 'em together!
- Look!
Here! Go!
- Grumbles!
I'm so sorry I left you, buddy.
- What's in his mouth?
No pressure kid
'Cause every dawn comes cracked
Memorys not your enemy
When youll never get them days back
Nobody thought to bring a camera
Nobody thought to write it down
But those stories will persist
In faded hieroglyphs
On the cave walls of your mind
You just missed the turn
I think my head was someplace far
A palindrome, a resume:
Drab as a fool, aloof as a bard.
- You don't wanna just take this car?
- We're not stealing a police car.
Besides, I put too much
work and money into it.
- Hey, can I have that for the baby?
- You're gonna have to drive,
until I switch out the
transmission for an automatic.
At the drive-in in your brain
Here you go.
- Wow. It looks great.
I'm not even gonna have to bleach it.
- What're you gonna tell
Mom and Dad about that?
- Aww.
We'll wait and see if they even notice.
- You really gonna keep that creature?
- She's cute.
Besides, she might not
even have a family anymore.
- What are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?
We'll see
if they even notice.
- You dudes wanna veg later?
We'll be at my place. Come by.
- Mondo.
- Yeah.
- It's the apartment building
behind the movie theater.
Just buzz. You can even
bring your ugly baby.
- I'm naming her Egon.
- Of course.
- Later, then.
- Later days, dudes.
- Dug, your brother's really cool.
- Oh, yeah.
He is.
- Don't get me started on Mary.
- Yeah, man.
She's downright awesome.
- Totally.
The radist.
- Wait.
You all feel like going home?
- Not really.
- No way, Jose.
- Video games?
Hey! No shirt, no
shoes, no pants, no service!
I just make you uncomfortable,
'cause you can't help but look.
Hey, guys.
On the way home, keep your
eyes out for roadkill.
Egon's hungry again.
You look, talk, act, and think in sync.
One type
Enjoy your conformity
Even got the geeks in chic. All hype
Hipster sorority
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
Lets bond periodically.
Oh right
You dont like our chemistry
Reacting deliberately
I might
Start dancing suggestively
Tonight I sing for you
Visionaries
The kids
Who live more sensitive
All right
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
Woo
Hey girl
I wanna take you from the city
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
You know it'd be a shameful pity
If you won't play with me tonight
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
Under the starry lights
with those jeans so tight
Come play with me tonight
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
Under the starry light
with those jeans so tight
Come play with me tonight
Hey girl
Hey girl
Hey girl
Hey
Girl
Hey
Girl
Hey girl
I wanna take you from the city
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
You know it'd be a shameful pity
If you won't lay with me tonight
Hey girl
- Hey, Fatt. You can't
come in here with that.
- Relax, Renaldo. It's a BB gun.
Besides, I've got you covered.
- I got myself covered
and I got my eye on you.
- And that's why they call me Dug.
- They call you Doo-ug.
You call yourself Dug.
- Until this machine takes
more than three letters
on high scores, it's D-U-G.
- Whoa.
Huh?
Psst.
- Whoa.
Dug, Dug! Dug, look!
- I'm busy here!
- Something to look forward to.
- Dug, your brother's
here. Mel, time to move.
- Shit. I'm about to beat my high score.
C-O-K, you are in my sights.
Come on, man!
- Good boy, Grumbles.
- Good job, duder.
- Thanks, big guy.
- Load up, you scrotes!
Come on, Grumbles. Let's ride.
- You sacks bring the beer?
One, two
- Mel, tell your dog to
get his balls off my seat.
Only my balls touch this upholstery.
- Hey there, dudes.
- Ah, gee.
- I'm Mary.
You aren't gonna shoot
animals with that, are you?
- Nah, that's not my style.
- Wyatt, I thought it
was just gonna be us.
- Do you think I wanna
spend the whole night
listening to you scrotums
jabber about kid shit?
I'm a man. I have needs.
- That thin patch of pubes on your lip
does not make you a man.
- I'm a man as much as
it counts, bald balls.
- We'll all have fun.
I'm excited to hang out with you dudes.
It'll be rad.
- Woo, woo, woo!
You got it locked under
and I'm ready to go
I'm ready for you to be mine
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
Hey, hey, hey
I'm ready for you to get high
I say me oh my
I'm ready to for you to be mine
- Hey, Wyatt. Can we
listen to something else?
- Yeah, I thought seniors
listened to cool music.
- You scrotes don't
know flowers from farts.
I'll give you cool music.
This is a little song I wrote for Mary.
Recorded it last night.
Woo
That's what that sound was.
I thought our cat got hit by a car.
Hey girl
I wanna take you from the city
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
You know it'd be a shameful pity
If you won't lay with me tonight
Girl
Girl
Show me what you can do
Under the starry lights
with those jeans so tight
Girl come play with me tonight
Well?
- It's craptastic.
Ow, dick-weed!
- Some guys just can't take criticism.
- Wow! That was you?
I bet it'll sound even better,
when your band gets into the studio.
- You mean when he gets a band?
- What are you calling your band?
- Craptastic Butt Noise.
- Butt Cloud McLoud.
- Poots McGill and the Hotdog Thrill.
- Ooh, now the Hotdog Thrill I like.
Drop that fart shit.
I bet you'd like the hotdog thrill.
- Mm. I think I like Butt Cloud McLoud.
- Can we pull over? I've
had to whizz since we left.
- Sorry, scrotum. No stops on this trip.
You're gonna have to piss out the back.
- Ah, come on!
Don't be an a-hole.
- Loosen up! There's no cars around.
I'd piss out the back.
Don't worry. She doesn't
wanna see your tiny pecker.
- Don't worry. I won't look.
Hey, how are
those pubes coming in?
Oh, shut your ass, Wyatt.
I'm only in sixth grade.
- I got pubes in fifth grade.
- I have a lawn myself.
- Pubes here.
- Mom told me, "Early
pubes, early peak in life."
- Pee pee!!
- You butt hole! You
said we weren't stopping.
- Not to piss.
But we are stopping for you
guys to grab us some beers.
- What?
- I bring you on this trip.
You guys get the beers.
It's the least you can do.
- We're only 12. No
one's gonna sell us beer.
I don't care how you get it,
but I will leave you
penis wrinkles behind,
if you come back empty handed.
- We can do it.
- Listen, listen, listen.
- Come on, come on.
Just steal it.
- I've never stolen anything in my life!
- It's not so hard.
You just have to imagine you're invisible.
- Oh, and get me a pack of rubbers.
- What can I get you, sugar?
- Um...
Do you have some...
Marshmallows?
- Sure thing. Just down that
aisle toward the bottom.
- Um...
Where?
Could you just help me?
- You look able, but sure, kid.
You boys going camping?
- Yeah.
Uh, my big brother's taking us.
- Mm. Sounds like a good brother.
Yeah, he's not.
He's just trying to get with the girl.
Girl in the
Jeep? She's a looker.
- Oh, uh, um...
- You all right, kid?
- Yeah. I...
I need some...
Rubbers.
- Rubbers!
Thought your brother was making that girl.
- He asked me to get them for him.
- Ah.
What a man.
Well, come on.
We'll set him up real nice.
You boys headed up to Jerusalem Park?
- Yep. Our dad used to take us.
- He doesn't anymore?
- No.
We have a little sister now.
My parents are more concerned with her.
They say "She has promise."
- Well, you keep an eye out
for the Night Child tonight.
- The Night Child?
- It's a huge, vicious creature.
Has a taste for human flesh.
Every 25 years, it roams
the park at night, hunting.
Took my little brother back in 1960.
Tore him to shreds.
All we found left of him was his hand.
- Wait.
For real?
- Hear it's back out there now.
You all look ripe for the picking.
$8.21. Those beers are on you, right?
- Oh, man. There goes my allowance.
- Tell that story around
the campfire tonight.
See if your brother shits his drawers
in front of that pretty girl.
- So, it is a story.
- Guess you'll find out.
Better make like a thief
and run outta here.
Sell it!
Go, go, go!
- Holy shit, boys.
You little scrotes have balls.
- Big balls.
- Those are the right size, right?
- Uh...
Yeah. All right, you boys
set up and get a fire going.
We'll be back once we've pitched the tent.
- You aren't setting up here?
- Hell no. We need our own space.
- Don't worry. We'll spend
most of the night over here.
We'll tell some ghost stories.
- And drink those beers.
- That's what I'm talking about.
- Those are my beers, for Mary and I.
- Hey, dude. We stole them for you.
We deserve some, too.
- I'd say they earned it.
- Fine. You can all share a six-er.
Those king cans are ours, though.
Mel, does your dog have to
keep staring at me like that,
with his balls hanging out?
- Oh, I've still got some. Thanks.
- There when you're ready.
- Anyone want a smore?
- I could use something to eat.
- Grab a graham and a chocolate square.
- Food? We don't need food.
We've got beer.
- Mm. Damn, Dug!
You make a choice marshmallow.
- This cigar is pretty choice.
- Oh!
We should tell some ghost stories.
- Oh! I've got one.
You all ever hear of the Night Child?
- No, no. It's...
We need some real entertainment.
Come play with me tonight
Come on, people!
Move your feet. Have some fun!
This is a rocker!
- Where's the Night
Child when you need it?
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can
do under the starry
Come on, guys. Bring it home with us.
- Girls love a guy that can dance.
Girl come play with me tonight
- See, I knew you dudes had moves.
- Yeah, that one's a crowd pleaser.
- What crowd?
Don't be an ass wipe.
- Yeah, at least he has a dream
and isn't scared to try for it.
- Right!
I never make fun of what you
sacks wanna do with your lives.
So, what do you
guys wanna do in this life?
- Mel there is a badass drawer.
- I wanna write and draw my
own science fiction comic book.
- That's pretty impressive.
- You're you're gonna draw
my album cover one day.
He's working on his
first issue. It's awesome.
- Dug does these rad little
animation flip book things.
They're mostly of animals
farting or shitting,
but they're funny.
- Animal farts are funny.
What about you, Fatt?
- Right now, I just like
watching things happen.
- Me too.
I'm figuring things out,
but I'll do something good.
I'll probably go to college next year.
- And me?
I'm gonna have a badass
chart-topping hard rock band.
- To all of us and our futures.
- What is it, boy?
- Holy shit.
- Whoa.
The Night Child.
- Get him, Grumbles!
- Get that dog away from me.
- Grumbles! Come on.
Good boy.
- Hey, what the hell you doing, guy?
You spying on us?
- No, no. I was out picking berries.
I'm just camping up the way.
- Sorry for scaring you guys.
- Is that supposed to be the Night Child?
- Well, that's not weird.
- Good thing Grumbles saw him.
- Picking berries?
Probably just an old perv.
Saw Mary here and couldn't help himself.
- Maybe we should call it a night.
- Oh, yeah. Definitely.
- We haven't even shot the fireworks yet.
- You dudes save us some for the morning.
We're gonna hit the tent.
Catch you later, masturbators!
- Holy shit, dudes!
- Right?
- I know!
That old man dressed like a bug was crazy!
- No, dude! Your brother's
about to get naked with Mary.
- You thinking what I'm thinking?
- Fireworks time. We can
light them with our cigars!
- No, Dug! Let's go spy on 'em.
Maybe we'll get a little peek of Mary.
- We just saw her.
- I mean really see her.
It's an opportunity of a lifetime.
God, I just wanna see one of her boobs.
- Come on, Grumbles.
- Oh, well. More fun for me.
Oh.
Mm.
Oh.
Whoa, mama.
Jackpot!
Oh, yeah, baby.
- Save the big guns for the finale.
Use the force, Dug!
Use the force.
Let's party.
Mm.
Oh, baby. Yeah.
Holy...
- Shit.
If that bra comes off, we have
to scare him outta that tent.
- Hey, Mister. I see you there.
You picking berries?
Holy shit.
Holy shit. Holy shit.
- This is better than Channel Z.
- How do we do this?
- Oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man, oh man.
- Holy...
- Crap.
Oh, baby. Yeah.
Mm.
- We gotta act now, before
they get too far into it!
- What is it, boy? What is it?
Get 'em, boy!
What the hell is he doing?
- Do something, Grumbles!
Yeah, baby.
Whoa!
Whoa.
What the hell?
Get off me.
- I gotta help him!
- You're gonna get our asses kicked.
Take aim.
His big hairy
dog balls were on my ass!
- You gotta lob it.
Hell yeah!
- Shit!
Oh, my God!
You ass wipe! I'll teach
you to mess with me.
- Please don't eat me.
- Mel!
Do something! I can feel
his dork rubbing on me.
- You assholes!
- You arsons get outta
here. I'll go tend to Wyatt.
- Huh?
Whoa!
Ooh, they got you good.
It's buried in the skin below your balls.
It's really red.
- All right, all right, all right.
Just don't stare at it anymore.
- Where'd this come from?
Had it under
my seat, just in case.
- In case what?
- Hey, would you turn the
radio on and pop my tape in?
I don't wanna move. It hurts too much.
- Of course.
- And turn it loud.
Hey girl
- Holy cow, man.
That was-
- Amazing!
- You saw those pepperonis, right?
- Yeah.
Jackpot!
- I didn't need to see Wyatt, though.
- I'm not worried about
high school at all anymore.
- Why?
- I've got him beat.
By a lot, and I'm barely getting pubes.
If he can get a girl like
Mary, I should be all right.
- Oh, man.
I didn't wanna know.
- Dug!
You missed the show, dude!
- Dug?
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
Oh, man.
You won't play with me tonight
- What a goofball. Adorable goofball.
Hey, buddy.
Well, now I can tell people
I've had a threesome.
Well, not in here.
- Hey, pervs. Look what I found!
- Grumble mumble!
Come here!
- And this!
Pull up a seat.
- You aren't pissed at us?
- No.
I'll never forget what it looked like,
laying underneath Wyatt,
laying underneath a dog, humping him.
Plus, you guys probably
saved me from a bad decision.
- You don't like Wyatt?
- No.
No. I like him quite a lot.
I just usually don't move that fast,
unless I'm trying to prove something, or,
or drunk, or both.
- Prove something?
- It's complicated.
- Smells, uh...
Good.
- Why do you gotta hang out
with a jerk like him, anyway?
- He brought you on a rad
overnight camping trip.
That doesn't seem like a jerk move to me.
- Yeah.
I guess not.
- Wait. Where's Dug?
He's missing out on all the tequila.
Dug, come join us!
- We can't find him. He's probably hiding.
Waiting to scare us when we go to sleep.
- Speaking of bed. You
guys burned mine down.
You got room for me?
Dug the slug!
Dug the slug!
Dug the slug!
- Douglas, move it!
We're waiting on you!
Everyone else finished the
President's Mile 15 minutes ago!
Please, coach!
I can't do it.
- I'm holdin everyone
here until you're done.
Dug the slug!
Dug the slug!
- You should really hold your stomach in,
when you're out in public.
That way, it won't stick out so much.
- If you played more
sports than video games,
you'd be in better shape, son.
I ride my bike everywhere.
- Real sports, Douglas.
Football, baseball, basketball.
- Honey, he's going to
do what he's going to do.
Like Wyatt.
- Good grief.
Don't tell me that.
Can I go visit
grandma with you guys?
- Sweetie, Grandma wants some
girl time with your sister.
- Grandma says you boys make
our house smells like farts.
- Why do I always get stuck
with the little dweeb?
- Should we look for Dug
before we hit the sack?
No. Nah.
He'll show up soon.
Yeah. Pretending to
be the creature child thing.
- You dudes pee shy over there?
You aren't helping.
- Hey, guys.
Dudes!
- What?
- What?
- I'm a-peein...
Your-a-peein.
Not helping!
Could she get more awesome?
You dudes are hilarious.
Really hilarious.
Night, dudes.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight.
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
- You see that?
- It's Dug.
- What's going on?
- Dug!
- Cut it out, dude. We know it's you.
- Dug's really good.
- Stop it, man!
- Holy hell!
- Dug wasn't kidding around!
Grumbles!
No!
- Don't do it!
Nice shot!
- Run! To the Jeep!
We have to leave him, Mel.
Move!
- Aww, man.
- We got him good.
- He drained the damn battery.
We're gonna have to pop the clutch.
- I did not need to see that.
- Which one of you can drive stick?
- I kind of can.
- Perfect. Get up here.
Let up the clutch and
floor it when I tell you.
Mel, you and I will push.
- What?
- We're sitting ducks in here.
- We can't go back there!
- I know you can do it. I saw
how brave you were back there.
- We should wake his drunk ass up.
- He wouldn't be a help.
Push!
- Okay.
- Push harder!
- I don't think I...
- Pop it!
Oh, thank God.
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
- Can you turn that off?
- I'm retying to steer!
- Guys!
Lay with me tonight
- Keep driving, no matter what.
- Where did it go?
Lay with me tonight
- What the heck just happened?
- We keep driving. We need help.
- Man.
That thing must've got Dug, too.
- Maybe not.
Maybe Dug really was out there hiding,
and waiting to scare us.
- I doubt it.
- They could all still be all right.
Let's just get to a phone,
so we can call for help.
- No one's gonna believe us.
- Grumbles.
I just left him there.
- Wyatt!
Oh, no.
Wyatt!
- Dug.
Dug.
- Whoa.
Grumbles.
- Someone has to be in there.
- Worth a shot.
- Look.
- Oh, thank God.
- Wait.
What the hell?
- No.
What?
- Oh, shit.
Let's get outta here!
- Guys, wait! It's all right.
- Is she gonna let us in?
- Hm.
Maybe I shouldn't have
let you steal that booze.
- We need to use your phone.
- You guys take a load off.
Get your shit together.
Cute.
Who you gonna call? Sheriff?
I'll call him. He'll get
here faster that way.
We're personal friends.
- Maybe we should call our parents.
- And tell them what?
- My parents won't care. I had
to move out half a year ago.
- Yeah. I shouldn't worry my mom.
- I'm gonna make that call.
You look like you could use some cocoa.
- I'd take some, please.
- I'd take coffee, if you have it.
- Yeah. Coffee for me, too.
- Yeah. Me, too.
- Hm. Mature choices, boys.
Ah.
Anyone want a snack?
Day-old price.
- So, you live on your own?
- Yeah, I do. What the hell
are we gonna say to this cop?
- No one will believe the truth.
It's cool that you have your own place.
- Actually, it kind of sucks.
It's tough worrying about
rent and bills and school.
We need to figure out what to say.
- I don't know.
I can't wait to have a gnarly apartment
my friends can hang out at.
- Well, get ready to clean up after them.
Guys, what do we say?
- This'll sober you all up.
Shake off some of that booze smell.
Sheriff will be here any minute.
Thank you.
- Duana is the name.
- Whoa! That's a bite.
Ah. Tastes like burned firewood.
- That's yesterday's coffee
at day-old price. Free.
You want fresh coffee, I'm
gonna have to charge ya.
- Ah!
She's just a mama.
- I fed those babies.
- Good boy.
Get ready to run, Wyatt.
- So, where's the round
kid and his horny brother?
- Well, we were camping
out in Jerusalem Park and-
- And this crazy old guy in a bug robe
stumbled into our camp.
- That's right!
We were just relaxing around the campfire
and he was watching us.
- He made a dumb excuse and left.
- Yeah, but he came back later.
Once we were in our tents.
- With a machete. He tore
right through our tent.
- And burned down my tent.
- Mm-hm.
- Can I use your bathroom?
- Hallway, on the right.
So, then what?
- I want, I want my
arm. I want my arm, Dug.
They just drained its
nutrients and threw it aside.
- I need you to pull it together!
Yes.
Hm.
Nope.
Too loud.
What the hell?
- Dude, run!
- I could use a hand, scrotum.
- All right.
Let's go!
What the hell are you doing?
- Got it!
- Wyatt!
- Weird.
- Run!
- I've got to help Grumbles.
Let's just get out
of here. Dude can hold his own.
- He saved us, Wyatt!
- I shook him off the car.
- And we drove all the way here.
- Mm-hm. Mm.
Your friend fall in, or what?
- Um...
- You exorcizing the
Homestead Act back there?
Poor babies.
- Oh, shit.
- You pissed off mama.
- Oh, shit.
Uh...
It's scared.
No!
No!
- So, what? You don't wash?
- Excuse me?
- I heard the toilet, but no sink.
- I know where my parts have been.
- You find anything
interesting back there?
- Oh, no.
- Let's move.
- I'm sorry, mama.
- These two say your round
friend and his horn ball brother
were taken by a machete
maniac in a bug costume.
That sound about right?
- Uh, yes, ma'am.
- Horse shit!
- It, it's probably dead.
Dug, leave that thing.
- It's hurt.
This is my fault.
- We gotta get out of here, Dug.
Its mother will find it and
take it back to the nest.
- If she takes too long, it'll die.
I'm bringing it with us.
- Fine.
Let's get moving.
- I know what happened out there,
and we all know you'll be lucky
if there's even a piece left
of your friends to keep as a souvenir.
- Whoa.
- Oh.
- So, you really think they're okay?
- Last I saw 'em, they were in the Jeep,
haulin' ass outta here as
that thing lifted me away.
- I'm gonna need to stop for
a second. I'm dying here.
- Yeah. I'm not doing so hot, either.
- I hope you're right.
Maybe they've gotten help.
- Darlin'.
- My muffin man.
- Mm-hm.
My muffin top.
Well, it looks like you
kids had a hell of a night.
You clothesline that
Jeep with a tree branch?
- The Night Child attacked them
in the park earlier tonight.
No need for the horseshit.
- You had yourselves a run
in with the Night Child,
and you're still here to talk about it?
- Well, not all of 'em.
She got two of 'em.
- Two of 'em, huh?
- Yes, sir.
And my dog.
- Well, how about we take a drive?
You can show me where you last saw 'em.
We'll see if we can't find 'em.
- If it's not too late.
- We just might find 'em before then.
- Well, is that smart?
Going back there, with
that thing running around?
Now, this area's
familiar with the Night Child.
We know how to handle it.
- We have to try.
- I usually don't trust cops.
- Well, I don't know who else
is gonna help you right now.
- Like I said.
Usually.
- Thank you, sir.
Muffin top.
- Do you think it's all right?
- Honestly, I don't much
care for that arm muncher.
- It's just its nature.
- He's got the right idea.
I'm gonna freshen up.
- Why are you walking like that?
- Your scrote friends shot me
in the taint with a BB gun.
It hurts like a son of a bitch.
- You had your arm ripped off,
and you're telling me a welt
under your testes hurts?
- Oh, my shoulder hurts, but
my ass and balls hurt more.
That bug spit must be some good shit.
I think it's wearing off, though.
- I think she's hungry.
- Hey, what're you doing?
Get that thing off of there.
- What? You don't wanna keep
this gross meat and vein.
- Fine. May as well finish the job.
But don't let it ruin the
bone. That's the part I want.
Hey, you oughta get in, too.
Put a little stride back in your step.
- You stick here.
I'll be right back.
Holy shit.
- That bug spit is some great shit.
- I know how we can fix it.
- So, this is how the bad guys feel.
This is my first time riding
in the back of a police car.
- It's not mine.
- Yeah.
Probably won't be my last.
- My dad always had me ride in the front.
- He doesn't let you ride along anymore?
- He was killed in the line of duty.
- I'm sorry to hear that, kid.
- You kicked ass back
there, little brother.
I didn't think you had it in you.
Yeah.
I can't pass the President's
Fitness Challenge in P.E.,
but I can outrun a monster,
and hike a bazillion
miles, carrying a baby.
Go figure.
- Really. That was like
movie hero radical.
- Oh, thanks, Wy.
Tell mom and dad about it,
and maybe they'll stop calling me lazy.
- Too late, dude. We're
in the Lost Cause Club.
Good thing they have Sis.
- Here.
- Smart.
Actually, here. I'll take a little more.
Oh, man.
- Hope it works.
Hey! Look there.
We must be close.
- You all got awfully quiet back there.
- Just thinking about our friends.
- Yeah.
Hey.
When we get back home,
you dudes should come
hang out at my apartment.
We'll rent some movies.
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- You mean we can come over?
- You mean we can come over?
- Well, of course.
You know, and Dug and Wyatt.
We'll celebrate getting home.
- Sounds nice.
- Sure does.
- I'll let you do the honors.
- Something to take the edge off.
Well, we're close.
I hope those guys found help.
I'm gonna
cruise through the campsite,
and you all holler when you see yours.
- I really hope it's not too late.
- Stay positive.
- Have you ever seen Dug run?
- There!
There it is!
- Ooh, it's quite a party!
- Look!
- They did it!
They got help.
- Wait.
- What the hell?
- I feel like I'm waking up,
but falling back to sleep.
Me, too.
- Something isn't right.
- No!
Oh, shit.
- Shit.
- Oh, no.
Get down
- The coffee.
- Like I said.
We've learned how to handle things.
Unfortunately for you all.
- These are our replacements?
- What are they gonna do with them?
- Come on. We need to regroup.
Grab whatever you think could help.
Mm-hm.
Can I give you this to carry?
I'm gonna need a free hand.
- Yep. Now she'll have a
snack, if she gets hungry.
Ah-hah.
- Let's figure something out.
- You wear that costume later.
- Only if you do.
- Hey, Sheriff.
- Last request, okay?
Give us two minutes in there
with that bodacious babe.
Sorry, Randy. Rape
isn't a valid last request.
- What if it's love?
- Do you really think we need these kids?
'Cause I'm happy to see
these two chuckle heads go.
- Oh, you're softy.
But not when it counts.
- Well, the one boy's father
was an officer of the law.
- The dang kids have seen too much!
We let them free, next thing you know,
they're on Donahue and we
got Feds sticking their noses
in our business and our town dries up,
along with its traditions!
That will not be my mayor legacy!
I wanna see it.
- Looks like the lot at
a Ted Nugent concert.
We gotta find a way to move
around, without being noticed.
- You needed me?
- Yeah.
Help me with these two dolts.
- Your mom's a dolt.
- Stand up.
You popcorn farts are lucky.
Next time you're gonna rob people,
do it in a town that's larger
than a couple hundred folks.
- Oh, god damn it!
- Popcorn fart.
- You boys are not off the hook!
If you haven't cleaned
your acts up by next cycle,
you'll be offered again!
I hope you've cleaned
up your acts by then.
- Your mom needs to clean up her act.
- Just suit up and join
the rest of the folk.
And remember, I'm gonna
be watching you boys.
Little present before we go.
- These little assholes are gonna
be around for another 25 years!
- The altar's ready.
- Let's get these kids strapped
up, 'fore they come to.
There. Those guys.
We can take their robes.
I don't know. Those guys look big.
- Watch.
- What the hell?
Oh, that gay lord is dead meat!
- Are you insane?
- Stay there.
- What?
- Where did that dick hole go?
- What?
- You want your little balls ripped off,
and shoved down your dork?
- What?
- Right on.
- Whoa!
- That was kick A.
- They looked like assholes anyway.
- They looked like most of your friends.
- Get their robes!
This thing is gonna be useless.
You look ridiculous.
- What? I couldn't go around
looking like a hunchback.
These people would know
they do not have a hunchback
in their town.
- We're gonna need a big distraction,
and you're the man to do it.
Bigger than 4th of July.
- Rad.
I've got this.
- Take 'em all out. We don't
want anyone following us.
- How do we escape, then?
- Sheriff's car. We meet
up there, no matter what.
Find me when you're ready.
- My good people, this night,
of the fifth cycle of our
town under the Night Child,
we gather to honor tradition.
Tradition.
- Tonight,
we offer up
these three souls
to keep our peace with her.
Her.
- We also honor those sacrificed before,
to keep our town safe.
Duana Wayburn survives her brother.
She will perform the call in his memory.
We remember
past sacrifices
by marking our offerings
with the blood of those offered before.
- There's really nothing fighting will do.
- I knew not to trust a cop!
- I'm sorry to say, in
this case, you were right.
- The blood serves as a reminder,
and the call.
A welcome to the feast.
Feast now the table.
- Mary, are you okay?
- Would you say that you are?
- Night Child.
We call you to receive your offerings.
May you be satiated and nourished.
And find peace again in slumber.
- We call you!
- Oh, no.
- I hope she's not calling
who I think she is.
We call you.
- Mel!
Mel! Wake up, Mel!
- It might be better if
he's not conscious for this.
- Think, dude. Think.
- What are you gonna do?
- You have everything ready?
- We invite you to accept our offerings.
- This is it.
- I never even got to touch a tit.
- Oh, God.
- I love you.
- Oh, shit.
- Chubby and his horny brother.
- It's Wyatt and Dug.
- It has a baby.
- How do we please two of those things?
- Those little shits are
gonna make me look bad.
- Should we be trying to
get this under control?
- Four?
Four of those things for
this town to appease?
- We're about to be baby food.
- This can end now.
We can end this!
- It's time for that distraction.
- I got this.
- Don't blow yourself up.
- No! You can't!
Stop!
Beautiful mother!
- Yes!
- Way to go, Wyatt and Dug.
- Wait.
Is this a dream inside the dream?
- Dug and Wyatt are alive!
- Is Grumbles with them?
- Muffin man!
Help him.
- Ouch!
Wyatt!
Ow!
- Police! Stop or I'll shoot.
- Ouch!
Oh, I didn't-
- Get them down. I can't
do it without hurting them.
Uh...
- Run! Back to the campsite.
My sweet muffin man.
My sweet muffin man.
- What?
- No keys.
- You!
You all did this.
- Hotwire it!
- Do you know how to do that?
- No, but I've seen it in movies!
Just tear out the wires
and touch 'em together!
- Look!
Here! Go!
- Grumbles!
I'm so sorry I left you, buddy.
- What's in his mouth?
No pressure kid
'Cause every dawn comes cracked
Memorys not your enemy
When youll never get them days back
Nobody thought to bring a camera
Nobody thought to write it down
But those stories will persist
In faded hieroglyphs
On the cave walls of your mind
You just missed the turn
I think my head was someplace far
A palindrome, a resume:
Drab as a fool, aloof as a bard.
- You don't wanna just take this car?
- We're not stealing a police car.
Besides, I put too much
work and money into it.
- Hey, can I have that for the baby?
- You're gonna have to drive,
until I switch out the
transmission for an automatic.
At the drive-in in your brain
Here you go.
- Wow. It looks great.
I'm not even gonna have to bleach it.
- What're you gonna tell
Mom and Dad about that?
- Aww.
We'll wait and see if they even notice.
- You really gonna keep that creature?
- She's cute.
Besides, she might not
even have a family anymore.
- What are you gonna tell Mom and Dad?
We'll see
if they even notice.
- You dudes wanna veg later?
We'll be at my place. Come by.
- Mondo.
- Yeah.
- It's the apartment building
behind the movie theater.
Just buzz. You can even
bring your ugly baby.
- I'm naming her Egon.
- Of course.
- Later, then.
- Later days, dudes.
- Dug, your brother's really cool.
- Oh, yeah.
He is.
- Don't get me started on Mary.
- Yeah, man.
She's downright awesome.
- Totally.
The radist.
- Wait.
You all feel like going home?
- Not really.
- No way, Jose.
- Video games?
Hey! No shirt, no
shoes, no pants, no service!
I just make you uncomfortable,
'cause you can't help but look.
Hey, guys.
On the way home, keep your
eyes out for roadkill.
Egon's hungry again.
You look, talk, act, and think in sync.
One type
Enjoy your conformity
Even got the geeks in chic. All hype
Hipster sorority
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
Lets bond periodically.
Oh right
You dont like our chemistry
Reacting deliberately
I might
Start dancing suggestively
Tonight I sing for you
Visionaries
The kids
Who live more sensitive
All right
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
We are the weird ones
Woo
Hey girl
I wanna take you from the city
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
You know it'd be a shameful pity
If you won't play with me tonight
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
Under the starry lights
with those jeans so tight
Come play with me tonight
Girl
I wanna lay with you
Girl
Show me what you can do
Under the starry light
with those jeans so tight
Come play with me tonight
Hey girl
Hey girl
Hey girl
Hey
Girl
Hey
Girl
Hey girl
I wanna take you from the city
Hey girl
Tonight the way you look's so pretty
Hey girl
You know it'd be a shameful pity
If you won't lay with me tonight
Hey girl