The Whoopee Boys (1986) Movie Script
1
See the ace?
I put it down.
See the ace?
I put it down.
See the ace?
I put it down.
Okay.
There it is.
Show me the ace.
There's your dollar, huh?
There's no way you could lose at this game.
This is a Polish shell game.
All you gotta do is find the red ball.
Jose Feliciano, Stevie
Wonder, Ray Charles have won.
I couldn't make this game any
easier for you if I pointed to it.
Now which one do you want?
Uh-huh.
Eh?
See?
That's a dollar.
You won.
Now how about you, Fong?
You want to get in on some of this?
I'm here to give him away.
I'm telling you, man.
He's gonna get you your eyebrows.
He's right.
He's gonna make money.
I mean, I could make the game any easier,
but I just took the cash out of my pocket.
Yo.
Yo, man.
What are you doing?
You got a license for this stuff?
License?
Yeah.
Hey, yo.
Leave him alone.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Okay, now, Fong, look here.
Look here.
Any of these games is
gonna get you to Hong Kong.
Okay?
Wait, wait, wait.
See?
See?
This is our street.
You're gonna have to move along.
No, no, no.
See?
Like this is America.
See?
Free enterprise.
Supply side Reaganomics.
Oh, man.
Fuck Reaganomics.
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on, man.
It's my life's work.
Is this your work here?
This is mine.
No, it's not.
Hey, hey.
Wait, wait.
Stop.
Stop.
I'm trying to run the fitness here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Who is this?
All right.
Break it up.
You're all under arrest.
It's a strike three for you, pal.
You get it?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, thanks for saving my ass.
It's so cold, I had to do
something to keep warm.
Hey, Jake.
I knew we could get a car.
Let's get out of town.
I need the invoice on
the green station wagon.
Hi.
How you doing?
Hello.
You understand you have a
couple of cars that need to be driven?
Yeah.
I've got a Volkswagen and a Cadillac.
Great, great, great.
Where are they going?
Volkswagen's going to Fargo, North Dakota,
provided the blizzard lets up out there.
No, that's not us.
What about the caddy?
Palm Beach.
Yeah, all right.
Promise to one of my regular drivers.
I'll handle this.
You know, I bet that behind
those glasses you're a kook.
Come on.
Come over here for a second.
Let me see.
Oh, honey.
You are making me nervous.
Wow.
Ally McGraw, look.
Definitely.
And better behind these.
These are your fish, aren't they?
You got little pet names for them?
I bet you do.
Come on.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Come on.
Yeah.
Peabody.
Peabody.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
See Peabody here?
See him?
I'm going to eat every single one of
these fish unless we get that caddy.
Attention, everyone.
Peabody is in sushi heaven.
So we going south or what?
All right.
You can have the Cadillac.
Don't eat my fish, please.
Okay.
[Music] Getting hot.
I know.
I love it.
I was born to be hot.
The whole weather shrinks my dick.
Hey, let's stop and take a shower.
I got underarms from hell.
[Music] Hey, you guys.
What are you doing?
Are you guests here?
Potential guests?
Yes.
My name is Jake.
This is my friend Barney.
Hi.
[Music] Excuse me, sir.
What state are we in?
You're in North.
Yeah.
I told you.
We're still in South.
We're just fine.
[Music]
I had a uncle who was a
waiter in Palm Beach and he
told me like people throw
these fabulous parties.
They got shrimp the size of a bull's
balls and they like don't even eat them.
They just like nibble a little bit.
Palm Beach.
Oh, the women here are beautiful.
You know why?
Because Florida looks like a dick.
Look at the map.
It looks like a big dick hanging out there.
This place is great.
Hey, man.
Let's see what the
rich and filthy are doing.
I bet they're having a party.
They ain't got nothing else to do.
[Music] 1636 Bay Shore.
We're here.
Park your car, sir.
Try not to scratch it.
It's pretty heavy.
Yeah.
Better go in with the sunglasses.
I think so.
[Music]
Hi, how you doing?
Hi.
Duncan Dublin.
Hey, Duncan.
Hi.
Finally, Duncan.
Duncan, uh, whose party is this?
Mostly Durden's Mice party.
They give it every year.
It's the anniversary of Ralph's death.
Ralph.
Ralph.
Pardon.
Have a nice time.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
So nice to see you.
How do you do?
You know, we knew
Ralph, and he was one of the
funniest and brightest
minds of his generation.
Without question.
Yeah.
Where did you know Ralph?
New York.
New York.
You knew our dog in New York?
[Music]
Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss a
unique business opportunity with you.
I'm making a point not to
discuss business at social function.
Okay.
What about pussy?
What?
Hey, hey, hey.
Get a grip on yourself.
There's money here.
We're not leaving without it, right?
Right.
I'll take the high road.
I'm going low.
[Music]
Hey, como estas, Ted?
Harry, como is dead?
[Music]
What's happening?
[Music] Damn.
Are these real?
Did you get these for her?
Yes.
God damn, you love this bitch, huh?
How much does something like that go for?
I mean, it's just a ballpark figure.
Hey, you're in the Army, huh?
Mm, Navy.
Oh, yeah.
Be all that you can be.
It's not just a job and all that shit, huh?
What's happening?
Is this your son?
No.
He's, uh-- He's my nephew.
Yeah.
I think he was his son.
He looks Iranian to me.
You know, my sister Maria,
she married this Iranian guy?
And they are hairy son of a bitches.
You know what I mean?
I mean, they got hair on their
chest, on their back, on their buns.
We're talking Winnie the Pooh.
We're talking Chewbacca.
You know Star Wars?
The guy goes--
[Groans] Remember that?
And then Cornelia throws a
drink all over Kimberly's telerenton.
Kimberly had a fit.
They made up later at the disco.
But that Coconut Grove
gang, they can really party.
Yep.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
Oh, you should have talked.
Snooki, you got my phone call.
What do you think about
this business proposition?
Half a million dollars in it for you.
Oh, Link, darling.
You know I never deal in small amounts.
I get some hors d'oeuvres.
Hello.
Are you by any chance single?
You mean like not married single?
Never mind.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's okay.
That's okay 'cause I am single.
I don't even know you.
I mean, who are you?
Friend of the Durden Spice?
Oh, yeah.
And Ralph's.
Great dog.
Yeah, yeah.
Olivia.
Hi.
Great.
Hey!
Hey, Olivia doll.
Where have you been?
Hiya, honey.
Where have you been?
Strobe, will you leave me alone?
God, does that girl love me?
Oh, man, this woman is it.
But why her?
She's got a business deal
worth half her own dollars.
There goes our car.
I told you you should have returned it.
So it's a little overdue.
A little overdue?
Six weeks?
I thought it was like a
library book, you know?
The worse they do, they send a note to you.
Jake, it's a Cadillac.
What are we gonna do
for transportation now?
Hi.
Hi.
How you doing?
You need a lift or something?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do,
but we live kind of far out of town.
Why don't we go over to my place?
Yeah.
We'd love to.
Good.
Climb on in.
Oh, man.
My legs are killing me.
After a long drive, my underwear
starts crawling up my ass.
So I gather that Daddy
doesn't deliver pizza for a living.
No, I own it.
You know, my Aunt
Dolores lives in a house like
this in Beverly Hills on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
So what's with all the candles?
You real Catholic or something?
Steady.
Shh, shh, shh.
Easy, easy.
You're gonna wake the kids.
Uh-huh.
Are you married?
No, but I hope to be.
Here's your room.
Well, you two have a good time, huh?
Good night.
(Snoring)
Okay, fifth position.
Oh, great.
Very good, guys.
Bye, there.
Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.
Excuse me, Aunt Clark.
Don't laugh.
Second position.
Put your arms down.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Go on out and play.
Come on.
I'll show you around.
You see, I need investors.
I need money.
I need your money.
Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Jeg, I don't think you understand here.
You see, I have this school,
and I need more teachers.
I need immediate, immediate funds.
Yeah, right.
See, I thought you were an heiress.
I am.
The problem is I can't get my
hands on it unless I get married.
People marry for money all the time.
No, people do not always have to
marry one of these Palm Beach jerks.
My uncle, he's got to approve of my choice.
Now, the only person that
he's going to approve of
is somebody that he thinks is one
of these so-called perfect gentlemen.
So what's the problem?
The problem is that there
is this certain developer
who's going to turn
this place into condos.
I have to get my hands
on that money in 30 days.
He sounds like a swell guy.
I'd love to meet this prince.
Ah, here's your chance.
I forgave him for the other night.
Come on, I know how you get
when you're having your period.
But what's just the big deal
about this condominium?
There's been nothing to me, baby.
It's you that I want.
I can wait all day, all night,
and all afternoon, honey.
But uh-oh, you've only got 30 days.
Ciao, baby.
Could you use a couple extra
hands on this ranch, ma'am?
Oh, I sure could.
Let's go!
You always say you like my style.
You say I'm tough and kind of wild.
Am I too much for each time?
OK, OK, I got it.
I got it.
Here it is.
Chance Dancer in the second at Aqueduct.
Six and a half furlongs
for cocky bunny gear.
Yeah, yeah.
[music playing] Whoops.
Oh, well.
Can I-- can I tell you something?
I'm not interested.
Yeah, you are.
You are.
Don't-- can I tell you something?
What?
I'm having a great time.
Put up your hands.
We don't put our hands on a cobra wax job.
Hey, hey, man.
This is the largest pinto they make, huh?
I'm up to you stupid little game.
Look, it was only a kid.
We have nothing to say to each other.
Let it go.
Troy, look.
These make great frisbees.
Can I talk to you?
Can I tell-- Stop!
[music playing] I'm miserable.
I can't spend another evening that way.
I'm sunk.
Electricity's been off for a month.
They're going to disconnect the phone.
It's OK.
I'm glad you feel this way.
Marry me.
You'll get the money.
We'll get divorced.
Come on.
You can't fool my uncle.
Jake, you can't pass as a gentleman.
You can't even pass the butter.
I'll mow him down.
Uh-uh, no.
Cow.
Jake, I think you're great.
But you've got to drop
that line of thought.
You understand.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
I just don't understand.
Hey, man.
You're going to give me a heart attack.
What's your problem?
Tell me out here, man.
I blew it.
You blew who?
No, the thing with Olivia.
I blew it.
Oh.
Well, what did she say, man?
She said I didn't have any class.
No, she's right.
You don't.
Listen to me, you mound hound.
This is the first time in my life
I'm serious about somebody.
Whoa, I think.
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.
You just stay right there
and let old Uncle Barn
give you a lifetime's worth of
experience in chasing pussy.
You know what your problem is?
Your problem is you don't
know how to talk to women.
Whoa, I'll take that back.
Your problem is you talk to women.
Now, listen, do you think Elvis ever
had to say diddly squat to get laid?
No.
All he had to do was go hoo.
That's all.
You need help.
You need professional help.
And you need Hemley.
Right.
Hemley.
What's Hemley?
Hemley, the lady that teaches etiquette.
Oh, I see.
You mean Emily Post?
Yeah.
You know, she'll teach you what
fork to use, the proper soup spoon.
This bitch basically makes a
living out of showing people
how to put shit in and out of their mouth.
Look, I'm going to let my
fingers do the walking for you.
You need-- you need to go to charm school.
I'm not going to charm school.
What?
Uh-uh.
You're not going to charm school?
Fine.
But I'll tell you what's going to happen.
In a couple of weeks, some rich
schmuck will be scooping your girl.
I've got an idea.
Charm school.
I like it.
Great.
And I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you.
And you know, hey, I don't
need no fucking manners.
[burps]
OK.
Promise me that you won't get
married until you see me again.
You don't knock.
No, not in a crisis.
Promise me.
OK.
Ah, great!
[music playing]
I've been in a cave for 40 days.
Only a spark--
Where is this place?
Chill out, man.
To see this place is to love this place.
OK?
Through the cries and through the wars.
Oh, I still believe.
[music playing]
Hey, I remember this.
Wait a minute.
This is-- this is the jungle
safari right at Disneyland.
And right up here, there's
some hippopotamus.
Watch, watch.
Keep your eye open.
Oh, shit.
[music playing]
Out at sea, hoping these
waves don't cover me.
Through the rain and through the tears.
Through the crowds and through the chairs.
Oh, I still believe.
[music playing] Phelps?
No, I'm humping the butler.
Who's fucking the mate?
If you don't stay clean, the jungle
will move in and take you over.
Yeah.
Over there.
Did you notice?
I ain't got no chin.
[music playing]
What do you want?
Is this the Phelps Institute?
Perhaps.
Why?
Uh, we owe you any money.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is the charm school, isn't it?
Who are you?
I'm Mr. Bateman.
This is my associate, Mr. Bernaire.
He spoke to you on the phone.
Oh.
Oh, my god.
So sorry.
Are you alone?
I-- hold on.
I'm not going in there.
Get in there.
Oh.
On behalf of Colonel Phelps,
who has been detained, and myself,
I'd like to welcome you
students of the winter
session of the Phelps
Institute of Etiquette.
In the days to come, we will
learn that armed with etiquette,
we can take our social fences
with cool heads and confident hearts.
Now, I think, um, at
this time, it might be
instructive if we all
introduced ourselves.
Who'd like to start?
I would.
Mr., um-- Bateman.
Bateman.
I'm Jake Bateman.
I just want to say I'm here because
I have no one else that I can turn to.
I feel like I share a common bond
with each and every one of you.
With you, sir.
With you.
And you, sir.
And, uh-- even you.
OK.
So I just want this to be a
really up thing for all of us.
And, uh, let's get started, OK?
Hi, everybody.
My name is Eddie, Eddie Lipschitz.
The only reason I came
here is because my mother's
new boyfriend said I couldn't
stay in her bedroom anymore.
I thought if I came to charm
school, maybe there was a chance.
Well, I figured there
might be a possibility.
I figured that perhaps I may
be able to-- Get laid, huh?
I thought so.
Shit lips, my friend.
We have saying in my country.
Tiger that does not ram
the goose strokes the goat.
Hey, this is America.
We don't do no goat stroke in
here, you sheet-wearing faggot.
This is not a sheet, and I am not a faggot.
My name is Roy Rajmataj.
Hey, do you mind if we
just call you Roy Raja?
You may call me Lion of Kashmir.
And you may call me the Boner of East LA.
My friend, you must learn
to respect the Hindu people.
Respect?
I love them.
Hindus?
What's not to like?
Gandhi, what a movie, huh?
This man was macho.
He defeated the British Empire
with, like, a million 7-Eleven workers.
Uh, excuse me one second.
It wasn't quite like that.
Let's go to someone else.
Yoo-hoo.
Yoo-hoo.
Would you like to join us for a while?
My name's Shelley.
I've just spent 15 years in prison,
and they feel it's important
that I readjust to society.
Oh, yeah?
Who are you in for?
They said I killed my parents and
my little brother, Joey, with an ax.
That's really awful.
You must have been innocent.
Yeah.
Maybe I was.
OK, that's it.
Look, listen.
I'm not thrilled to be with you
people in the first place, OK?
I'm Officer White.
I'm here because my
precinct captain thought
that four brutality convictions
and three chokehold violations
meant that I had an attitude problem.
I do not have an attitude problem.
Don't fuck with me.
Personally, I don't think
you've ever been fucked with.
Maybe my luck's about to change.
Easy, lady.
Boy.
What underarms.
Yeah.
My name is Barney Bonaire,
and I'm here with Jake, see,
because, like, we met this
girl, and he's trying to nail her.
What?
But, I mean, he cares for her.
Sure, he wants to fuck
her, but he cares for her.
Look, I'm just with him.
The colonel has arrived, madam.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce
you to my husband, Colonel Phelps.
And, um-- I'm afraid I've had rather a
bad day at the track in Miami, my dear.
As a result of my little debt, I've
agreed to enroll Mrs.
Anthony Ogea and her unborn child.
Giuseppe.
Yeah, Giuseppe.
Into our little institute
here to teach her--
them-- the finer aspects
of social intercourse.
No, no, no.
Anybody who teaches her any kind of
intercourse ends up in the trunk of a car.
Now, you got it wrong, General.
You say I'm counting on
you to do the right thing.
Otherwise, I'll redecorate this
fucking dump with your fingers.
You got it?
I'll be back in a week.
Give me a kiss, Colonel.
Come on, plant it.
Perhaps you'll allow us to
show you to your car, Mr.
Thank you.
Remember what I said, OK?
[humming] Oh, great.
Can you put on MTV?
I dream of TV!
[interposing voices]
In point of fact, you are
all the stars this evening.
Some of you may have noticed
that the colonel and I did not
join you for dinner, because
Colonel Phelps had placed
himself in strategic positions and
was videotaping the entire episode.
Do you remember the first course?
At the end of this week, you will not only
know the meaning of the word "esfalgo,"
but you will also know how to eat them.
Hey, yo.
Happy.
Yes, sir?
[sneezes]
Is that delicious?
[laughs] [squeaks] Ooh.
Hey, what's that?
It's a snail.
[humming]
I did give you quite a simple
test during the soup course.
I put a fly in each bowl.
Hey, what's your problem?
My problem?
[slurping]
[gasping]
[sobbing]
Hold it, hold it.
That's not another snail, is it?
No.
It's a fly.
[screams]
There is a right way and
a wrong way to eat fish.
Wrong.
Your mama's a blowfish.
You're gonna get it.
Now, didn't I tell you not to come
around my neighborhood no more?
[laughs]
I'll cut your balls off, man.
Do fish have balls?
[laughs] [clinking] Mmm.
[humming] Hey!
Oh, would you like to disco?
Of course.
Okay, you just
stand right there and
go, My girl wants
to party all the time
Party all the time, party all the time
Party all the time, party all the time
Party all the time, party all
the time, party all the time
[sobbing]
[sobbing]
And I would like to have a cigarette.
Yeah, I bet you would.
Lessons begin tomorrow.
I want you to go upstairs.
Lights out in five minutes
and no more talking.
[sobbing] Are you okay?
I really gotta go bad.
Just relax.
Try not to think about Niagara Falls.
[groans]
I'll only be in there a couple of pages.
Excuse me, my friends.
Why are there two toilets in the bathroom?
It's a bidet, you asshole.
What?
Jesus, somebody took a dump in the bidet.
Good night.
Page 38, Eddie.
[instrumental music]
You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.
The rule of thumb is to start from
the outside and work your way inwards.
You see, it's very simple.
Unless your soup course is
served after the fish course,
in which case you have to place the
fish fork and the fish knife on the outside
and the soup spoon to
the left of the fish knife
and the salad fork to
the right of the fish fork.
[laughs]
Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party
and you have decided to serve consomm,
followed by shrimp and
aspic, and then truffled grouse.
It's only then that your
wretched chef comes to you
and says he has changed the whole thing
to pate, asparagus, and lobster thermador.
What are you going to do?
Slap 'em.
Ready, steady, go.
Here, man, you were born
with a silver spoon in your mouth.
Oh, ah.
[laughing]
You see, the real
connoisseur not only knows the
name of the grape and
the year, but also the region.
Why don't we start with you, Edward?
[babbling]
Ah, this is an excellent white wine.
Skid Row area, 5th and Main, Los Angeles.
Ah, St. Jude's Catholic Communion wine.
They sold this fucker way before its time.
Jonestown.
[slurping]
This wine is free.
Uh, can we settle down now, please?
Can we?
Just stop rocking.
Thank you.
Now, writing thank you notes, et cetera,
is a social skill that
simply must be mastered.
Now, may I hear what you have written?
Dear Mr. and Mrs. McGregor Scott,
congratulations on the
wedding of your daughter, Candy.
It must be a relief to have
the little bitch off your hands.
Dear Laura, I was relieved to
hear you only gave me the clap.
Nowadays, it is refreshing to
meet a girl with curable diseases.
I'm sorry about your
husband's tragic death.
I hope it doesn't affect the size of
your firm and humongous breasts.
[crying]
[music playing]
[birds chirping] Jake!
Having fun yet, huh?
I don't know about this place.
I don't think we stand a chance--
Oh, will you stop complaining?
Look, these people are going to hand
Olivia over to you on a silver platter.
I don't know.
There's something real
weird about that colonel.
You mean he's not a real colonel?
[chuckles]
[music playing]
[music playing] What?
Ooh!
[music playing]
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
[music playing]
Ooh, I'm popping a boner.
Ah!
Yes!
Ugh!
Ah!
Ah, shit!
Oh, god damn it!
Ah!
Ah, you're joking!
You're joking me!
Ol!
Ol!
Ol!
[music playing]
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Come on!
Ol!
Ol!
[music playing] Oh, shit.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
[music playing]
That's San Sebastian.
Polish archery lessons.
[music playing]
Don't pull your stitches too tight, Edward.
[music playing] Wow.
This bike's great, man.
I think I saw it on Hogan's Heroes.
Zig pong!
Hey, Jake, you hit a dog back there.
Do you realize that?
You got shit all over the fender.
Damn.
Yeah, but we've got to be insured.
My legs are sleepy.
Ay!
Ay!
Ugh!
We're going to stick to this kernel.
He knows something.
How's the hernia?
Well, well, well, well.
I was wondering when you boys
were going to come out of the bush.
How about a little champagne?
Barman.
Champagne, please.
Three glasses.
Oh, no way.
Yes.
Spotted me, eh?
Couldn't help yourselves, eh?
I like that.
Yes.
I like that.
Oh, by the way, do you have any money
to pay for this champagne
that I've just ordered?
No.
No, I didn't think you did.
Neither do I.
But we're not going to
let that stop us, are we?
Cheers.
Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.
Oh, yes, we all hear about
the wretched hostages
aboard the aircraft, held
captive by the Arab swine,
long after their liberation
on national television,
long after the deals and the
guest shots on Johnny Carson.
What about you two lads
who volunteered to go in and fly
that empty airliner home
to its rightful owners?
I mean, did they do that?
Under the very muzzles
of the dusky savages' guns.
Oh, sorry.
This champagne, how much is it?
What's the check?
These guys don't pay for drinks at my bar.
What kind of American do you think I am?
Uh.
Those two guys--
You're a genius.
Yeah.
Uh.
Uh.
A society was formed high up in the Alps
nearly a century ago.
They called themselves
the Bavarian Illuminati.
It was no clubhouse, nothing but a pledge
to a single sacred ideal.
Fuck them before they fuck you.
We'll begin our training
tomorrow morning in earnest.
What kind of training?
Training in the magic art of
what really makes a gentleman.
Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.
Try as you might, my wife has
never been able to find the key.
The morning update, a little ritual.
I'll go in.
Right.
Out.
Check that out.
A PhD from Harvard.
Wow.
Oh, is that still there?
I had this damn bank manager
out the other day pestering
me about house payments
and alumnus of the old crimson.
He gave me a six month
extension on my loan.
People.
I'm trying to unload a
useless bit of swampland
on a gullible neighbor,
something my wife inherited.
He made his money in engineering MIT.
Do you have one of those from every school?
Only the ones that matter, dear boy.
Only the ones that matter,
and a complete set of neckties.
Cost $12 a tie.
Fraternity pins and
rings, easily obtainable
from any local pawn shop, cost $1.
The diplomas are easily obtainable from
a mail order house in Canton, Oklahoma.
Thus, for a total outlay of $212,
the dedicated Illuminati can equip himself
with full academic credentials
for any social or business situation.
I cannot overemphasize the
importance of education to you boys.
Amongst the very wealthy,
dogs are considered
indispensable companions,
but fashions change.
One month it's Gorges, the
next it's Akitos of distinction.
Keep abreast.
Always carry a photograph of the most
fashionable breed and display it at parties.
And talking of photographs, Bernardo,
how would you like to embrace the princess?
Go on.
Why not?
Well, if you're going to Palm Beach,
we better arm you to the teeth.
Ah.
Hope you enjoyed it.
No.
I'm not calling you out.
It's my birthday.
Thank you.
Well, $650.
Not a bad night's work.
How are we going to
solve this little problem?
Oh, allow me.
Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.
I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Francis Murchison,
world-renowned food
critic for the Paris Tribune.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, hey, hey.
He, uh, loved the meal.
Of course he did.
Ah.
He's probably going to
give it a very good review,
although we thought it
was a little expensive.
Reviews don't mean a thing.
Thank you for stopping by.
Crude, Jake.
Unimaginative.
This is the finest, most exclusive
and expensive restaurant in Palm Beach.
It requires subtlety, finesse.
Oh, God.
This is an outrage.
Right this way.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sir, I assure you this is not useful.
We deeply regret the incident.
To convince people
that you're of their ilk,
depth is out and patter is in.
Yeah? How's that?
Oh, it's simple, really.
People are basically lazy.
No stockbroker is going
to question your credentials
if you can throw in a
few well-turned phrases.
Now, let's get back to IBM.
Now, the market is trading up so fast
that you can't even buy, so
it's... Evaporating on the upside.
Yes, that's right.
Yes, I think you know enough
to handle the stock market,
but it's about that time
that you should consider
making that urgent phone call
before you blow the whole bloody thing.
In any other trivial matter, always
rely on your native cunning and this.
But it's familiar quotations.
I never leave home without it.
[ Engine Starts ]
I'm sorry, honey.
I told him to leave the
teeter-totters out of this.
Strobe!
If I were you, I'd say yes
while you've still got a swing set.
Strobe!
Now, listen, I'm not a bad guy. Come on!
I mean, there was a time when
you wanted me, remember?
Well, it wasn't love.
Okay, so love's out. I'm talking marriage.
Hey, how does that strike your fancy, huh?
Four-and-a-half carats.
I just want to save my school.
Yeah?
You mean, like, if I gave you
the school, you'd marry me?
Jake!
We did it. I owe you the biggest one.
No, you are my hero.
Hey, Jake, you are a sharp dresser.
Which would be better for graduation?
Oh, Raj, we got to hip you to a new look.
Barney, give me your shirt.
Look, man, salminio.
Right here, Elvis Presley.
Elvis Presley?
James Dean. Let's go for it.
Click your heels. You're in East LA.
Oh, my friends, how can I repay you?
What is yours is mine.
Oh, my planes, my boats, my islands.
Thank you very much, old James Dean.
Planes?
Islands? Money?
Maybe he needs facts.
Godspeed, 3-3-6-4.
Well done, both of you.
Gotta get up.
Well done.
And so well done.
Thank you.
I beg your pardon?
Thank you.
It's Roy.
It is Roy.
I didn't think that you would graduate.
Thank you very much.
Namaste.
I now pronounce you members of the
Order of the Esteemed Bavarian Luminati.
You may rise.
Congratulations.
Good luck with your quest.
Oh, one last thing.
The secret sign. Repeat after me.
Good. Now, don't forget it.
Sometimes the secret sign is all that
stands between life and you know what?
Worse, complete social embarrassment.
Shall we dine?
Yes.
Hello there, Judge.
I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow.
Well, I'm a little early because
I've got something on my mind.
Let me guess.
Olivia, your parents put
a big responsibility on me.
Now, I'm not the one to pass
judgment on other people.
Oh, come on, Judge.
Oh, look, despite my
profession, but I want to
make sure that the man
you marry is the right one.
Well, this weekend the house
is going to be full of right ones.
Just pick one of them and I promise I'll
do all I can to take care of your school.
What's my choice? Strobe, fennebras?
Good bloodlines.
Life is simple.
Sir, there are some
gentlemen here to see you.
Oh, send them in.
They are my very good friends.
Oh, I like this book.
Hi, Judge.
How you doing, pal?
Jake, Barney, everything
is as you asked for.
We have my cars. We have my tailors.
Everything is ready.
Rog, you're saving my life. Thanks a lot.
Oh, good luck to you, my friend.
Bring her back alive, okay?
Look at those cassavas.
Hi.
Jeez, this is great. Don't move.
I need a tattoo for my mobile
With an arrow right through the heart
And in the middle of
the heart there is a space
For your name that I can never erase
I'll always need you
And I believe you'll be mine
Gee, good thing I
brought the little one, huh?
Heh.
Excuse me.
Who left the kitty car in the driveway?
What are you doing here?
Are you out of your mind?
Save it.
This is a roller-coaster ride, get it?
Nobody gets off till I say so.
Judge, uh, I want to introduce you to--
Jake Bateman, Your Honor.
Sorry my man wasn't able to RSVP.
We were on safari.
Just put us anyplace. It'll be fine.
Bateman?
I don't recall inviting
anyone named Bateman.
Mr. Bateman is a friend of yours?
Crafts pay Mr. Bateman's luggage.
Aye.
Do we know him?
For do we know him?
Well, he certainly knows Olivia.
I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.
There's the Boston Batemans.
There's the Baltimore Bateman.
Baltimore has Butmans. No Batemans.
No food for the help.
You may eat in the kitchen if you like.
Kitchen's right over there, sir.
Release that shrimp.
Hey, you guys like puppets?
Watch this.
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Okay?
Hi.
You two kids.
Now, this is incredible.
Isn't that a Pomeranian?
Well, yes, it is.
You know, I have a very similar
dog, an Australian Shepherd.
We keep her at the summer cottage.
I do have a couple of dogs.
You know, I have a very similar
dog, an Australian Shepherd.
We keep her at the summer cottage.
I do have a photo with me.
There she is.
There's Sparky.
Oh, how sweet.
Isn't that a picture of
you with Prince Charles?
Oh, yeah, Charlie.
You know, I told him to
go with a Pomeranian, too.
Went with an Irish setter, trying to
improve the political climate, I think.
Hello, Dee Dee.
Hello, little pimpie.
Dee Dee, will you excuse me
while I borrow Mr. Bateman?
Why, certainly.
See you, Dee Dee.
Right.
Bye.
Bye, Dee Dee.
How are you this evening?
I'm fine.
Shake!
I could kill you.
Not the suit.
I just got this.
Hello.
Hi, there.
Darling, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Here you are.
We're fencing.
So I see.
Bateman, isn't it?
And a Harvard kid.
Bateman of Harvard.
Bateman of Harvard.
No?
No, no.
Oh, but a Harvard meant
fencing with a defenseless face.
Oh, but a Harvard meant
fencing with a defenseless little girl.
You do fence with men, don't you?
Why, do you know any?
Well, perhaps you'd like to
cross swords with me sometime.
Certainly.
Let's say tomorrow at dawn in the garden.
Done.
Good.
Done.
When you're finished
with your little friend,
I'll be waiting for you
by the crack-crack.
You don't fence, do you?
Fencing's my life.
[barking]
Is this bad lady squeezing your genitals?
Yes.
You know, my aunt has a dog like that,
and like when my other aunt,
Sofia, big fat lady comes over,
he just jumps on her leg, right?
He gets to pump and pump and
pump, and his eyes start rolling back.
And then he gets a satisfied look,
and then she shakes her
leg and starches her nylons.
Has that ever happened with this one?
I don't get it.
You're going to fight with car antennas?
No, no, here they are.
Here they are.
I'll vape in your hair.
I was afraid you might not show.
Wishful thinking, Finnebrest.
Let's go.
[laughs] Epee?
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey.
What is this shit?
That's all right.
That's all right.
What, are you doing my rape here?
I can handle this.
[clapping]
[grunts]
[laughs]
[grunts]
[clapping] What?
I thought I was the only one.
It was incomprehensible to me at the time
that they could change
Darren's "Unbewitched" like that.
That's right.
That's right.
First it was Dick York,
then it was Dick Sargent.
Dick Sargent.
You just don't change dicks midstream.
Yeah, you're right.
[clapping]
Well, all the inquisition is fine,
but what are you going
to do if you're ever in my
neighborhood and some
dude sticks a gun in your face?
I have a car phone.
Uh-oh.
[laughs]
[grunts] Come on.
You gotta catch a bus?
You know how rare it is to find a
woman that can cook in an animal's stairs?
Just like that.
[speaking italian]
She's squawking about.
I think she insulted you.
Would you mind repeating that, please?
Oh, really?
Does anyone here speak maid?
Hey, I know exactly what she said.
See, I'm fluent in several
languages, honky being one of them.
What she said is that she's
sorry for bumping into you,
but she was up all last night
with one of her eight kids
who has the hooping costs.
[speaking italian]
No, no, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's OK.
[speaking italian]
I'll give you one for this.
Oh, I think you owe me
a lot more than just one.
[speaking italian]
[speaking italian] All right.
[speaking italian]
Well, it's a start.
I can't let you go on with this.
They're going to kill you.
Yeah, but what a way to die.
You've got to stop.
Oh.
No, I'm-- not-- not this.
Oh.
So how did you learn to do that?
I had this babysitter.
I was 12 years old.
No, no, no, no.
Not that, that.
The fencing.
Oh, I can do anything.
As long as I'm doing it for you.
So anyway, it ended in a cross-collateralization,
and no one made a dime on the deal.
Very funny.
Here's an old joke.
Very popular on the floor
of the market last year.
Is that where you made your money, Bateman?
No, that's where I keep it.
I like your style, Bateman.
Are you joining us for the skeet shoot?
Of course.
Good.
Hey, look at the bright side.
Hell, at least you wound
up on a silver bladder.
Now they want me to kill something.
What?
A skeet.
What the hell is a skeet?
It's like a Haitian, only smaller.
Will you get real?
What are we going to do?
Well, first of all, don't panic.
I'll make a phone call.
I got just the right person in mind.
Jake, who are we?
Who are we?
Right.
Get back there, woman.
God.
I don't know if they eat you or fuck you.
I don't know.
Squee!
Squee!
Pull!
Damn.
Sun's brutal, isn't it?
Not really.
Perhaps we should have used bigger skeet.
Pull!
Hurry, hurry.
All right, just stay calm and
remember what I told you.
No problem.
Well, what do you say, Wild Bill?
Should we call it a day or
perhaps you'd like another pull?
I'd love another pull.
This time, just to make it interesting,
I'm going to shoot Lefty.
Set four!
Pull!
Come on, come on.
Excuse me, Willie.
It's great shooting, isn't it?
Very good, Bateman.
What do you think, Stro?
Yeah, yeah.
Nice shooting, Bateman.
Thanks, pal.
Ow!
So the fellow said,
"How long have you
been wearing those?
" And he replied, "Ever since my
wife found them in the pocket of my car.
" I love getting them.
What are you eating there?
What is this black shit?
That is expensive Russian caviar.
Yeah?
Damn!
Smells like pussy to me.
Don't this remind you of a drive-in?
Check it out.
Shit, didn't have no drive-ins
when you was young, huh?
Good vintage.
What do you think, Mr. Bateman?
Yes.
Chateau Margaux.
Sixty-three.
Triflutanic.
North Slope, I believe.
Very perceptive.
Yes.
Ah!
Don't mind me.
I've been working at Three Mile Island.
Bateman, we've been talking,
and we're just a little bit curious.
Exactly what is it you do?
Yes, what do you do exactly?
I'm not at liberty to say.
Oh, come now.
We're all friends here.
We have nothing to hide.
Isn't that right, Judge?
I must admit I'm a bit curious.
What about it, Mr. Bateman?
Well, if you insist, Your
Honor, all I can say is
that I'm a financial advisor
to several important men.
I...
I do happen to have a photograph
of one of my clients with me.
I went to charm school.
Look what I learned.
Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus, Amadeus
Go ahead, try it. It's good.
It's good to you. Watch.
Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus
You keep working at it. I'll be back.
Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus
Do you golf better than you fence?
Depends if my opponent
decides to cheat or not.
Um, Judge, is your
dance card full?
It just emptied.
Hey, it's my favorite dog lady.
How you doing?
You got yourself another one, huh?
Yes, uh-huh.
This is a Sharpay, a Chinese dog.
Oh, how old is it?
Uh, three months.
No, I doubt it. Look at this dog.
It looks like this has a flat.
Look at this.
No, please.
You didn't iron it.
That's the way the dog is.
You can fit two dogs in here.
No, please, don't abuse my dog.
Do you have any Vietnamese neighbors?
No, no.
Well, look, if you ever do
have some Vietnamese people
moving next door to
you, take my word for it.
Take Fluffy with you,
or else you'll come home.
Your dog will be missing a leg.
You'll be going,
"Where were you?
" Please, please,
you are so disgusting.
Oh, oh, I'm disgusting.
Like, look, my neighbors, like,
I've had four dogs this month, okay?
I went over there and I asked them.
I said, "Hey, have
you seen my dog?
" And they were picking their teeth
and going, "No, we don't see Fluffy.
"What's your dog look like?
"Does your dog have,
like, a big, juicy hind leg?
" Oh, you're so atrocious.
Oh, fine, fine.
I guess we ain't pals no more.
Hey, General, you ought
to get yourself a dog, man,
'cause a dog's a man's best friend.
I mean, after all, the first thing they do
is they put their nose
up your crotch, right?
Can't get any friendlier than that, huh?
Ha ha!
You ought to try some
Grecian formula, too, babe.
Your Honor, may I have the honor?
Maestro!
Patanko, please!
(upbeat music)
See the conehead?
Take him out.
(speaking in foreign
language) You owe me!
Okay, take care of him.
And then you owe me.
(upbeat music)
Come on, who the hell are you?
(speaking in foreign
language) Shit!
(coughing)
Damn you, Papen!
Get off!
I've never been so
humiliated in all my life.
Oh, sure you have.
(clears throat)
Then first,
I consider this unacceptable
behavior from gentlemen.
Why don't you make
some attempt to settle this?
I suggest you compete against one
another in a game of cross courts.
I doubt if he plays cross courts.
It's my middle name.
Done, then.
You'll excuse me.
What the hell is cross courts?
Now, let me tell you about
flying, though, seriously,
'cause I know you're getting
pissed off, and as well you should.
But look, buff flying is, whenever I
get in an airline, I don't understand.
The safety regulations,
they're bullshit, man.
Like, I've been in airplanes
where they actually tell you,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
in case of an emergency,
"please place your
head between your legs.
" Who are they bullshittin'?
If I could do that, I'd
never leave the house!
(laughing) Get it?
Leave the... (laughing) What?
(whistling) Colonel!
Colonel, Colonel!
Oh, there you are.
I came as quickly as I could.
I'm sure I had to look high and
low to find the right equipment.
I haven't played cross courts in 20 years.
What in the hell is it?
Well, it's the most archaic and
esoteric game in the whole world.
It dates back to the Renaissance.
I mean, there are only, what,
seven courts in the whole world.
Can you teach us to play?
Uh, well, I'll do my best,
but you'll have to find a
third player for the actual
match 'cause I, I, I, I've
got a game, game leg.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll call somebody.
Who are you gonna call?
I don't know, but whoever
it is, it'll be Collette.
(dramatic music) How do I look?
Relax, man, you're making me nervous.
Be cool.
Okay, okay.
Where's this guy?
He'll be here.
Who'd you get?
Now, how does that go?
It's not whether you win or you lose.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who'd you get?
(dramatic music)
Here he comes now.
(dramatic music) Oh my God.
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
This will be played to seven cheekies.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(horn honking)
Spin the first ball.
(dramatic music)
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Your Honor, I demand
an immediate cheeky
challenge beyond a
judgement head scrum reversal.
Your Honor, I just want to
kick him in the nuts one time.
The failed stand.
Bush scrum challenge accepted?
Uh, yeah.
Ready.
Hey, what are we looking for?
You stupid geek.
Hey! Hey!
Ow! Ow!
The alley judgement.
Sustained.
Good judgement. Good call.
Henchman!
Nerd.
Hey, it's dark in here.
Should we try to spin the next bowl?
Here.
Hey, this penalty stuff's not so bad.
This penalty stuff's not so bad.
Mickey!
Paul!
Wait, wait and be all right.
Your Honor, surely a hedge-hop.
Hedge-hop branded.
Thank you.
[Grunting]
[Laughing] Easy round.
[Laughing]
[Grunting]
[Laughing]
[Grunting]
[Laughing] Hey, Spartacus.
What are you in for?
I cheated. They made me cheat.
Your friends are loud,
lewd, coarse sportsmen.
I've been penalized.
Ah, don't be so hard on those guys.
They're my pals.
They're just social climbing, that's all.
They're trying to use all the
stuff we learned in charm school.
Welcome back. Strobe.
I've got to tell you something. Not now.
Strobe? Not during the game.
Charlatan.
Bonsires.
Araviste.
Your little geek friend from charm
school spilled the proverbial beans.
Honorable spectators.
Something terrible has happened today.
And we may never recover.
These men are imposters, fakes, frauds.
Don't tell me. Bialy, right?
That's all.
This way? Thank you.
Olivia, you're mine.
[Laughing] You look fine.
How do you feel?
Fine. I just don't remember
where I parked my car.
You'll be great.
Oh, hello. So nice for you to
come all the way from Winnetka.
That's terrific. Hello.
This isn't Buffy, huh? Where's Buffy?
How are you? Mmm. So nice to see you.
How are you? Hello, by the way. Sit down.
Enjoy. Good to see you.
I don't know who these people are.
Your honor, oh, you'd never get here.
To the victor go the spoils, I suppose.
Hi.
All right, hold it right there.
This parking is for clergy only.
But I am clergy.
Yeah, and I'm the Easter Bunny.
Come on, let me see your badge.
Badge? They don't give us badges.
Well, then let me hear you say hallelujah.
Ha, ha, ha, hallelujah.
Get out of the car. Come on.
You're under arrest. Let's go.
All right.
Now, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say may be held
against you in the court of law.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Anything you say may be held
against you in the court of law.
I love my job.
I'll take it from here, Judge.
My darling, this ends without a
doubt the happiest day of my life.
Hello, Strout.
Trouble already?
Hey, how you doing?
I'm just recovering his wife.
Hi, Strout.
Old club ever, darling?
Here you go, Strout.
There are all his smells.
Every one of them came.
God has smelled fire.
Dearly beloved, and those of
you we do not care too much for,
we are gathered here
today to join this magistallion
and this frail flower
in holy mantra alimony.
If there is anyone here who feels
these two should not be married,
speak now or forever hold
your hands on your pieces.
The ring, please.
Strome.
Not now, please.
Not now. Whitey, you're making a scene.
Please, we'll find
your car later, all right?
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Surprise.
Oh, don't freeze up on me now. Come here.
That's the biggest
social event of the year.
Everyone you know is here.
The governor's here.
All your friends are here.
Hit him, ma'am. Hit him, I am.
Do you mean it's okay with you?
Damn right it is.
Your parents wanted
you to marry the right man.
I think they'd be happy.
I got a sweet at the Holiday Inn.
We got a big water bit.
Oh, are we gonna make waves?
Oh, yes. You make promises to me.
You're gonna fulfill
all those illegal acts.
Yes, if we need farm
animals, we'll use them too.
Congratulations.
You're all right, your honor.
I know.
Come here.
It's gonna be okay.
You'll make me happy
or I'll break your nuts, pal.
Stop this!
You're not my wife.
You're not even a woman.
There's my wife!
Oh, contraire, I am your woman.
Damn it! Stop those people!
Officer!
Officer!
Officer!
The rest is there!
You hit this one!
Oh, wait, you hit the wrong guy?
Jake!
Made the first one Barney, huh?
Seems like everybody's getting made but me.
Oh, girls! Girls!
Hi, Barney Rockefeller.
Listen, as long as I have a
face, you'll have a place to sit.
Listen, let's get out of these dresses.
The name wouldn't be Phelps by any chance.
Might be.
This week.
Stony old road.
Well, well...
I thought this smacked of your work.
Well, the boys were very apt pupils.
( music playing )
Somebody's making good wages.
Somebody wants to earn shares.
She calls him Tootles and rolls her eyes.
She makes him strudel.
She bakes him pies.
What is it? All form.
It's so he'll fall for.
Making would be.
Uh-huh. That's what she's after.
All right, take it away,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tony three-fingered Martinez.
( music playing )
All right, don't know
where to do it, though.
Who do you think you are? Keith Richards?
He doesn't make much money.
No way!
$5,000 worth.
Some judge who thinks he's
funny says you pay six to her money.
She says, "Now,
judge, what if I fail?
" You wouldn't put a
nice guy like me in jail.
You would for the new keeper.
You'll find it's cheaper
than making would be.
I'm out of here.
( speaking Spanish )
Can you believe it?
Some dude in a black dress
trying to tell me what to do.
The nerve of that bottle, huh?
All right, take it away, Chewy.
Blow that horn, man.
I'll get you some jumper
cable and a spot on MTV.
You could, man.
You play that sax just like, uh,
Clarence Lemons, you know,
the guy who plays for
Seor Jefe, you know, Mr.
Springstein.
Yeah!
( music playing )
Don't make it worry
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Down through the countless ages
Ages
You'll find it everywhere
I'm telling you, man, everywhere
Everywhere
Somebody's making good wages
Ages
Somebody wants her share
She wants her share
She calls him Tootles
And rolls her eyes
She makes him strudel
She bakes him pie
What is it all for?
It's so he'll fall for
Makin' whoopee
Uh-huh, that's what she wants.
( music playing )
He doesn't make much money
No way
$5,000 per
Money, money, money
Some judge who thinks he's funny
Says you pay six to her, buddy
She says, "Now,
judge, what if I fail?
" You wouldn't put a
nice guy like me in jail
You wouldn't put a new keeper
You'll find it's cheaper
Than makin' whoopee
( music playing )
We're makin' it whoop, whoop, whoop
We're makin' it
Aw, sing it, girls!
Makin' whoopee
I got me some bad boy babes!
( music playing ) Right.
They got some weird food here.
God damn, what is this?
These are some kind of nuclear crabs.
Boy, I bet these could
eat your balls alive.
( laughing )
I wonder what kind of lotion will
take these away from your dick.
( laughing )
Hey, dude, check it out, man!
( music playing )
See the ace?
I put it down.
See the ace?
I put it down.
See the ace?
I put it down.
Okay.
There it is.
Show me the ace.
There's your dollar, huh?
There's no way you could lose at this game.
This is a Polish shell game.
All you gotta do is find the red ball.
Jose Feliciano, Stevie
Wonder, Ray Charles have won.
I couldn't make this game any
easier for you if I pointed to it.
Now which one do you want?
Uh-huh.
Eh?
See?
That's a dollar.
You won.
Now how about you, Fong?
You want to get in on some of this?
I'm here to give him away.
I'm telling you, man.
He's gonna get you your eyebrows.
He's right.
He's gonna make money.
I mean, I could make the game any easier,
but I just took the cash out of my pocket.
Yo.
Yo, man.
What are you doing?
You got a license for this stuff?
License?
Yeah.
Hey, yo.
Leave him alone.
It's all right.
It's all right.
Okay, now, Fong, look here.
Look here.
Any of these games is
gonna get you to Hong Kong.
Okay?
Wait, wait, wait.
See?
See?
This is our street.
You're gonna have to move along.
No, no, no.
See?
Like this is America.
See?
Free enterprise.
Supply side Reaganomics.
Oh, man.
Fuck Reaganomics.
Get the fuck out of here.
Come on, man.
It's my life's work.
Is this your work here?
This is mine.
No, it's not.
Hey, hey.
Wait, wait.
Stop.
Stop.
I'm trying to run the fitness here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Get the fuck out of here.
Who is this?
All right.
Break it up.
You're all under arrest.
It's a strike three for you, pal.
You get it?
Hey, hey, hey.
Hey, thanks for saving my ass.
It's so cold, I had to do
something to keep warm.
Hey, Jake.
I knew we could get a car.
Let's get out of town.
I need the invoice on
the green station wagon.
Hi.
How you doing?
Hello.
You understand you have a
couple of cars that need to be driven?
Yeah.
I've got a Volkswagen and a Cadillac.
Great, great, great.
Where are they going?
Volkswagen's going to Fargo, North Dakota,
provided the blizzard lets up out there.
No, that's not us.
What about the caddy?
Palm Beach.
Yeah, all right.
Promise to one of my regular drivers.
I'll handle this.
You know, I bet that behind
those glasses you're a kook.
Come on.
Come over here for a second.
Let me see.
Oh, honey.
You are making me nervous.
Wow.
Ally McGraw, look.
Definitely.
And better behind these.
These are your fish, aren't they?
You got little pet names for them?
I bet you do.
Come on.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Come on.
Yeah.
Peabody.
Peabody.
Tell you what I'm going to do.
See Peabody here?
See him?
I'm going to eat every single one of
these fish unless we get that caddy.
Attention, everyone.
Peabody is in sushi heaven.
So we going south or what?
All right.
You can have the Cadillac.
Don't eat my fish, please.
Okay.
[Music] Getting hot.
I know.
I love it.
I was born to be hot.
The whole weather shrinks my dick.
Hey, let's stop and take a shower.
I got underarms from hell.
[Music] Hey, you guys.
What are you doing?
Are you guests here?
Potential guests?
Yes.
My name is Jake.
This is my friend Barney.
Hi.
[Music] Excuse me, sir.
What state are we in?
You're in North.
Yeah.
I told you.
We're still in South.
We're just fine.
[Music]
I had a uncle who was a
waiter in Palm Beach and he
told me like people throw
these fabulous parties.
They got shrimp the size of a bull's
balls and they like don't even eat them.
They just like nibble a little bit.
Palm Beach.
Oh, the women here are beautiful.
You know why?
Because Florida looks like a dick.
Look at the map.
It looks like a big dick hanging out there.
This place is great.
Hey, man.
Let's see what the
rich and filthy are doing.
I bet they're having a party.
They ain't got nothing else to do.
[Music] 1636 Bay Shore.
We're here.
Park your car, sir.
Try not to scratch it.
It's pretty heavy.
Yeah.
Better go in with the sunglasses.
I think so.
[Music]
Hi, how you doing?
Hi.
Duncan Dublin.
Hey, Duncan.
Hi.
Finally, Duncan.
Duncan, uh, whose party is this?
Mostly Durden's Mice party.
They give it every year.
It's the anniversary of Ralph's death.
Ralph.
Ralph.
Pardon.
Have a nice time.
Yeah.
Hello.
Hi.
Hi.
Hello.
Hello.
Hello.
So nice to see you.
How do you do?
You know, we knew
Ralph, and he was one of the
funniest and brightest
minds of his generation.
Without question.
Yeah.
Where did you know Ralph?
New York.
New York.
You knew our dog in New York?
[Music]
Gentlemen, I'd like to discuss a
unique business opportunity with you.
I'm making a point not to
discuss business at social function.
Okay.
What about pussy?
What?
Hey, hey, hey.
Get a grip on yourself.
There's money here.
We're not leaving without it, right?
Right.
I'll take the high road.
I'm going low.
[Music]
Hey, como estas, Ted?
Harry, como is dead?
[Music]
What's happening?
[Music] Damn.
Are these real?
Did you get these for her?
Yes.
God damn, you love this bitch, huh?
How much does something like that go for?
I mean, it's just a ballpark figure.
Hey, you're in the Army, huh?
Mm, Navy.
Oh, yeah.
Be all that you can be.
It's not just a job and all that shit, huh?
What's happening?
Is this your son?
No.
He's, uh-- He's my nephew.
Yeah.
I think he was his son.
He looks Iranian to me.
You know, my sister Maria,
she married this Iranian guy?
And they are hairy son of a bitches.
You know what I mean?
I mean, they got hair on their
chest, on their back, on their buns.
We're talking Winnie the Pooh.
We're talking Chewbacca.
You know Star Wars?
The guy goes--
[Groans] Remember that?
And then Cornelia throws a
drink all over Kimberly's telerenton.
Kimberly had a fit.
They made up later at the disco.
But that Coconut Grove
gang, they can really party.
Yep.
Sounds like a lot of fun.
Oh, you should have talked.
Snooki, you got my phone call.
What do you think about
this business proposition?
Half a million dollars in it for you.
Oh, Link, darling.
You know I never deal in small amounts.
I get some hors d'oeuvres.
Hello.
Are you by any chance single?
You mean like not married single?
Never mind.
I'm sorry.
Forgive me.
No, no, no, no, no, no, no.
That's okay.
That's okay 'cause I am single.
I don't even know you.
I mean, who are you?
Friend of the Durden Spice?
Oh, yeah.
And Ralph's.
Great dog.
Yeah, yeah.
Olivia.
Hi.
Great.
Hey!
Hey, Olivia doll.
Where have you been?
Hiya, honey.
Where have you been?
Strobe, will you leave me alone?
God, does that girl love me?
Oh, man, this woman is it.
But why her?
She's got a business deal
worth half her own dollars.
There goes our car.
I told you you should have returned it.
So it's a little overdue.
A little overdue?
Six weeks?
I thought it was like a
library book, you know?
The worse they do, they send a note to you.
Jake, it's a Cadillac.
What are we gonna do
for transportation now?
Hi.
Hi.
How you doing?
You need a lift or something?
Yeah, as a matter of fact, we do,
but we live kind of far out of town.
Why don't we go over to my place?
Yeah.
We'd love to.
Good.
Climb on in.
Oh, man.
My legs are killing me.
After a long drive, my underwear
starts crawling up my ass.
So I gather that Daddy
doesn't deliver pizza for a living.
No, I own it.
You know, my Aunt
Dolores lives in a house like
this in Beverly Hills on
Tuesdays and Thursdays.
So what's with all the candles?
You real Catholic or something?
Steady.
Shh, shh, shh.
Easy, easy.
You're gonna wake the kids.
Uh-huh.
Are you married?
No, but I hope to be.
Here's your room.
Well, you two have a good time, huh?
Good night.
(Snoring)
Okay, fifth position.
Oh, great.
Very good, guys.
Bye, there.
Okay, first position.
No, I mean first.
Excuse me, Aunt Clark.
Don't laugh.
Second position.
Put your arms down.
That's it.
That's it.
That's it.
Go on out and play.
Come on.
I'll show you around.
You see, I need investors.
I need money.
I need your money.
Yeah, yeah.
Mr. Jeg, I don't think you understand here.
You see, I have this school,
and I need more teachers.
I need immediate, immediate funds.
Yeah, right.
See, I thought you were an heiress.
I am.
The problem is I can't get my
hands on it unless I get married.
People marry for money all the time.
No, people do not always have to
marry one of these Palm Beach jerks.
My uncle, he's got to approve of my choice.
Now, the only person that
he's going to approve of
is somebody that he thinks is one
of these so-called perfect gentlemen.
So what's the problem?
The problem is that there
is this certain developer
who's going to turn
this place into condos.
I have to get my hands
on that money in 30 days.
He sounds like a swell guy.
I'd love to meet this prince.
Ah, here's your chance.
I forgave him for the other night.
Come on, I know how you get
when you're having your period.
But what's just the big deal
about this condominium?
There's been nothing to me, baby.
It's you that I want.
I can wait all day, all night,
and all afternoon, honey.
But uh-oh, you've only got 30 days.
Ciao, baby.
Could you use a couple extra
hands on this ranch, ma'am?
Oh, I sure could.
Let's go!
You always say you like my style.
You say I'm tough and kind of wild.
Am I too much for each time?
OK, OK, I got it.
I got it.
Here it is.
Chance Dancer in the second at Aqueduct.
Six and a half furlongs
for cocky bunny gear.
Yeah, yeah.
[music playing] Whoops.
Oh, well.
Can I-- can I tell you something?
I'm not interested.
Yeah, you are.
You are.
Don't-- can I tell you something?
What?
I'm having a great time.
Put up your hands.
We don't put our hands on a cobra wax job.
Hey, hey, man.
This is the largest pinto they make, huh?
I'm up to you stupid little game.
Look, it was only a kid.
We have nothing to say to each other.
Let it go.
Troy, look.
These make great frisbees.
Can I talk to you?
Can I tell-- Stop!
[music playing] I'm miserable.
I can't spend another evening that way.
I'm sunk.
Electricity's been off for a month.
They're going to disconnect the phone.
It's OK.
I'm glad you feel this way.
Marry me.
You'll get the money.
We'll get divorced.
Come on.
You can't fool my uncle.
Jake, you can't pass as a gentleman.
You can't even pass the butter.
I'll mow him down.
Uh-uh, no.
Cow.
Jake, I think you're great.
But you've got to drop
that line of thought.
You understand.
Oh, yeah, I understand.
I just don't understand.
Hey, man.
You're going to give me a heart attack.
What's your problem?
Tell me out here, man.
I blew it.
You blew who?
No, the thing with Olivia.
I blew it.
Oh.
Well, what did she say, man?
She said I didn't have any class.
No, she's right.
You don't.
Listen to me, you mound hound.
This is the first time in my life
I'm serious about somebody.
Whoa, I think.
Jake, Jake, Jake, Jake.
You just stay right there
and let old Uncle Barn
give you a lifetime's worth of
experience in chasing pussy.
You know what your problem is?
Your problem is you don't
know how to talk to women.
Whoa, I'll take that back.
Your problem is you talk to women.
Now, listen, do you think Elvis ever
had to say diddly squat to get laid?
No.
All he had to do was go hoo.
That's all.
You need help.
You need professional help.
And you need Hemley.
Right.
Hemley.
What's Hemley?
Hemley, the lady that teaches etiquette.
Oh, I see.
You mean Emily Post?
Yeah.
You know, she'll teach you what
fork to use, the proper soup spoon.
This bitch basically makes a
living out of showing people
how to put shit in and out of their mouth.
Look, I'm going to let my
fingers do the walking for you.
You need-- you need to go to charm school.
I'm not going to charm school.
What?
Uh-uh.
You're not going to charm school?
Fine.
But I'll tell you what's going to happen.
In a couple of weeks, some rich
schmuck will be scooping your girl.
I've got an idea.
Charm school.
I like it.
Great.
And I'll tell you what.
I'll go with you.
And you know, hey, I don't
need no fucking manners.
[burps]
OK.
Promise me that you won't get
married until you see me again.
You don't knock.
No, not in a crisis.
Promise me.
OK.
Ah, great!
[music playing]
I've been in a cave for 40 days.
Only a spark--
Where is this place?
Chill out, man.
To see this place is to love this place.
OK?
Through the cries and through the wars.
Oh, I still believe.
[music playing]
Hey, I remember this.
Wait a minute.
This is-- this is the jungle
safari right at Disneyland.
And right up here, there's
some hippopotamus.
Watch, watch.
Keep your eye open.
Oh, shit.
[music playing]
Out at sea, hoping these
waves don't cover me.
Through the rain and through the tears.
Through the crowds and through the chairs.
Oh, I still believe.
[music playing] Phelps?
No, I'm humping the butler.
Who's fucking the mate?
If you don't stay clean, the jungle
will move in and take you over.
Yeah.
Over there.
Did you notice?
I ain't got no chin.
[music playing]
What do you want?
Is this the Phelps Institute?
Perhaps.
Why?
Uh, we owe you any money.
Hey, wait a minute.
This is the charm school, isn't it?
Who are you?
I'm Mr. Bateman.
This is my associate, Mr. Bernaire.
He spoke to you on the phone.
Oh.
Oh, my god.
So sorry.
Are you alone?
I-- hold on.
I'm not going in there.
Get in there.
Oh.
On behalf of Colonel Phelps,
who has been detained, and myself,
I'd like to welcome you
students of the winter
session of the Phelps
Institute of Etiquette.
In the days to come, we will
learn that armed with etiquette,
we can take our social fences
with cool heads and confident hearts.
Now, I think, um, at
this time, it might be
instructive if we all
introduced ourselves.
Who'd like to start?
I would.
Mr., um-- Bateman.
Bateman.
I'm Jake Bateman.
I just want to say I'm here because
I have no one else that I can turn to.
I feel like I share a common bond
with each and every one of you.
With you, sir.
With you.
And you, sir.
And, uh-- even you.
OK.
So I just want this to be a
really up thing for all of us.
And, uh, let's get started, OK?
Hi, everybody.
My name is Eddie, Eddie Lipschitz.
The only reason I came
here is because my mother's
new boyfriend said I couldn't
stay in her bedroom anymore.
I thought if I came to charm
school, maybe there was a chance.
Well, I figured there
might be a possibility.
I figured that perhaps I may
be able to-- Get laid, huh?
I thought so.
Shit lips, my friend.
We have saying in my country.
Tiger that does not ram
the goose strokes the goat.
Hey, this is America.
We don't do no goat stroke in
here, you sheet-wearing faggot.
This is not a sheet, and I am not a faggot.
My name is Roy Rajmataj.
Hey, do you mind if we
just call you Roy Raja?
You may call me Lion of Kashmir.
And you may call me the Boner of East LA.
My friend, you must learn
to respect the Hindu people.
Respect?
I love them.
Hindus?
What's not to like?
Gandhi, what a movie, huh?
This man was macho.
He defeated the British Empire
with, like, a million 7-Eleven workers.
Uh, excuse me one second.
It wasn't quite like that.
Let's go to someone else.
Yoo-hoo.
Yoo-hoo.
Would you like to join us for a while?
My name's Shelley.
I've just spent 15 years in prison,
and they feel it's important
that I readjust to society.
Oh, yeah?
Who are you in for?
They said I killed my parents and
my little brother, Joey, with an ax.
That's really awful.
You must have been innocent.
Yeah.
Maybe I was.
OK, that's it.
Look, listen.
I'm not thrilled to be with you
people in the first place, OK?
I'm Officer White.
I'm here because my
precinct captain thought
that four brutality convictions
and three chokehold violations
meant that I had an attitude problem.
I do not have an attitude problem.
Don't fuck with me.
Personally, I don't think
you've ever been fucked with.
Maybe my luck's about to change.
Easy, lady.
Boy.
What underarms.
Yeah.
My name is Barney Bonaire,
and I'm here with Jake, see,
because, like, we met this
girl, and he's trying to nail her.
What?
But, I mean, he cares for her.
Sure, he wants to fuck
her, but he cares for her.
Look, I'm just with him.
The colonel has arrived, madam.
Ladies and gentlemen, I'd like to introduce
you to my husband, Colonel Phelps.
And, um-- I'm afraid I've had rather a
bad day at the track in Miami, my dear.
As a result of my little debt, I've
agreed to enroll Mrs.
Anthony Ogea and her unborn child.
Giuseppe.
Yeah, Giuseppe.
Into our little institute
here to teach her--
them-- the finer aspects
of social intercourse.
No, no, no.
Anybody who teaches her any kind of
intercourse ends up in the trunk of a car.
Now, you got it wrong, General.
You say I'm counting on
you to do the right thing.
Otherwise, I'll redecorate this
fucking dump with your fingers.
You got it?
I'll be back in a week.
Give me a kiss, Colonel.
Come on, plant it.
Perhaps you'll allow us to
show you to your car, Mr.
Thank you.
Remember what I said, OK?
[humming] Oh, great.
Can you put on MTV?
I dream of TV!
[interposing voices]
In point of fact, you are
all the stars this evening.
Some of you may have noticed
that the colonel and I did not
join you for dinner, because
Colonel Phelps had placed
himself in strategic positions and
was videotaping the entire episode.
Do you remember the first course?
At the end of this week, you will not only
know the meaning of the word "esfalgo,"
but you will also know how to eat them.
Hey, yo.
Happy.
Yes, sir?
[sneezes]
Is that delicious?
[laughs] [squeaks] Ooh.
Hey, what's that?
It's a snail.
[humming]
I did give you quite a simple
test during the soup course.
I put a fly in each bowl.
Hey, what's your problem?
My problem?
[slurping]
[gasping]
[sobbing]
Hold it, hold it.
That's not another snail, is it?
No.
It's a fly.
[screams]
There is a right way and
a wrong way to eat fish.
Wrong.
Your mama's a blowfish.
You're gonna get it.
Now, didn't I tell you not to come
around my neighborhood no more?
[laughs]
I'll cut your balls off, man.
Do fish have balls?
[laughs] [clinking] Mmm.
[humming] Hey!
Oh, would you like to disco?
Of course.
Okay, you just
stand right there and
go, My girl wants
to party all the time
Party all the time, party all the time
Party all the time, party all the time
Party all the time, party all
the time, party all the time
[sobbing]
[sobbing]
And I would like to have a cigarette.
Yeah, I bet you would.
Lessons begin tomorrow.
I want you to go upstairs.
Lights out in five minutes
and no more talking.
[sobbing] Are you okay?
I really gotta go bad.
Just relax.
Try not to think about Niagara Falls.
[groans]
I'll only be in there a couple of pages.
Excuse me, my friends.
Why are there two toilets in the bathroom?
It's a bidet, you asshole.
What?
Jesus, somebody took a dump in the bidet.
Good night.
Page 38, Eddie.
[instrumental music]
You mustn't be intimidated by your cutlery.
The rule of thumb is to start from
the outside and work your way inwards.
You see, it's very simple.
Unless your soup course is
served after the fish course,
in which case you have to place the
fish fork and the fish knife on the outside
and the soup spoon to
the left of the fish knife
and the salad fork to
the right of the fish fork.
[laughs]
Now, supposing you are giving a dinner party
and you have decided to serve consomm,
followed by shrimp and
aspic, and then truffled grouse.
It's only then that your
wretched chef comes to you
and says he has changed the whole thing
to pate, asparagus, and lobster thermador.
What are you going to do?
Slap 'em.
Ready, steady, go.
Here, man, you were born
with a silver spoon in your mouth.
Oh, ah.
[laughing]
You see, the real
connoisseur not only knows the
name of the grape and
the year, but also the region.
Why don't we start with you, Edward?
[babbling]
Ah, this is an excellent white wine.
Skid Row area, 5th and Main, Los Angeles.
Ah, St. Jude's Catholic Communion wine.
They sold this fucker way before its time.
Jonestown.
[slurping]
This wine is free.
Uh, can we settle down now, please?
Can we?
Just stop rocking.
Thank you.
Now, writing thank you notes, et cetera,
is a social skill that
simply must be mastered.
Now, may I hear what you have written?
Dear Mr. and Mrs. McGregor Scott,
congratulations on the
wedding of your daughter, Candy.
It must be a relief to have
the little bitch off your hands.
Dear Laura, I was relieved to
hear you only gave me the clap.
Nowadays, it is refreshing to
meet a girl with curable diseases.
I'm sorry about your
husband's tragic death.
I hope it doesn't affect the size of
your firm and humongous breasts.
[crying]
[music playing]
[birds chirping] Jake!
Having fun yet, huh?
I don't know about this place.
I don't think we stand a chance--
Oh, will you stop complaining?
Look, these people are going to hand
Olivia over to you on a silver platter.
I don't know.
There's something real
weird about that colonel.
You mean he's not a real colonel?
[chuckles]
[music playing]
[music playing] What?
Ooh!
[music playing]
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
Oh!
[music playing]
Ooh, I'm popping a boner.
Ah!
Yes!
Ugh!
Ah!
Ah, shit!
Oh, god damn it!
Ah!
Ah, you're joking!
You're joking me!
Ol!
Ol!
Ol!
[music playing]
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Come on!
Ol!
Ol!
[music playing] Oh, shit.
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
Ah!
[music playing]
That's San Sebastian.
Polish archery lessons.
[music playing]
Don't pull your stitches too tight, Edward.
[music playing] Wow.
This bike's great, man.
I think I saw it on Hogan's Heroes.
Zig pong!
Hey, Jake, you hit a dog back there.
Do you realize that?
You got shit all over the fender.
Damn.
Yeah, but we've got to be insured.
My legs are sleepy.
Ay!
Ay!
Ugh!
We're going to stick to this kernel.
He knows something.
How's the hernia?
Well, well, well, well.
I was wondering when you boys
were going to come out of the bush.
How about a little champagne?
Barman.
Champagne, please.
Three glasses.
Oh, no way.
Yes.
Spotted me, eh?
Couldn't help yourselves, eh?
I like that.
Yes.
I like that.
Oh, by the way, do you have any money
to pay for this champagne
that I've just ordered?
No.
No, I didn't think you did.
Neither do I.
But we're not going to
let that stop us, are we?
Cheers.
Here is to two of America's
greatest unsung heroes.
Oh, yes, we all hear about
the wretched hostages
aboard the aircraft, held
captive by the Arab swine,
long after their liberation
on national television,
long after the deals and the
guest shots on Johnny Carson.
What about you two lads
who volunteered to go in and fly
that empty airliner home
to its rightful owners?
I mean, did they do that?
Under the very muzzles
of the dusky savages' guns.
Oh, sorry.
This champagne, how much is it?
What's the check?
These guys don't pay for drinks at my bar.
What kind of American do you think I am?
Uh.
Those two guys--
You're a genius.
Yeah.
Uh.
Uh.
A society was formed high up in the Alps
nearly a century ago.
They called themselves
the Bavarian Illuminati.
It was no clubhouse, nothing but a pledge
to a single sacred ideal.
Fuck them before they fuck you.
We'll begin our training
tomorrow morning in earnest.
What kind of training?
Training in the magic art of
what really makes a gentleman.
Welcome to my private little inner sanctum.
Try as you might, my wife has
never been able to find the key.
The morning update, a little ritual.
I'll go in.
Right.
Out.
Check that out.
A PhD from Harvard.
Wow.
Oh, is that still there?
I had this damn bank manager
out the other day pestering
me about house payments
and alumnus of the old crimson.
He gave me a six month
extension on my loan.
People.
I'm trying to unload a
useless bit of swampland
on a gullible neighbor,
something my wife inherited.
He made his money in engineering MIT.
Do you have one of those from every school?
Only the ones that matter, dear boy.
Only the ones that matter,
and a complete set of neckties.
Cost $12 a tie.
Fraternity pins and
rings, easily obtainable
from any local pawn shop, cost $1.
The diplomas are easily obtainable from
a mail order house in Canton, Oklahoma.
Thus, for a total outlay of $212,
the dedicated Illuminati can equip himself
with full academic credentials
for any social or business situation.
I cannot overemphasize the
importance of education to you boys.
Amongst the very wealthy,
dogs are considered
indispensable companions,
but fashions change.
One month it's Gorges, the
next it's Akitos of distinction.
Keep abreast.
Always carry a photograph of the most
fashionable breed and display it at parties.
And talking of photographs, Bernardo,
how would you like to embrace the princess?
Go on.
Why not?
Well, if you're going to Palm Beach,
we better arm you to the teeth.
Ah.
Hope you enjoyed it.
No.
I'm not calling you out.
It's my birthday.
Thank you.
Well, $650.
Not a bad night's work.
How are we going to
solve this little problem?
Oh, allow me.
Are you the maitre d'?
Yes, I am.
I'd like to introduce you
to Mr. Francis Murchison,
world-renowned food
critic for the Paris Tribune.
Nice to meet you.
Hey, hey, hey.
He, uh, loved the meal.
Of course he did.
Ah.
He's probably going to
give it a very good review,
although we thought it
was a little expensive.
Reviews don't mean a thing.
Thank you for stopping by.
Crude, Jake.
Unimaginative.
This is the finest, most exclusive
and expensive restaurant in Palm Beach.
It requires subtlety, finesse.
Oh, God.
This is an outrage.
Right this way.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
Sir, I assure you this is not useful.
We deeply regret the incident.
To convince people
that you're of their ilk,
depth is out and patter is in.
Yeah? How's that?
Oh, it's simple, really.
People are basically lazy.
No stockbroker is going
to question your credentials
if you can throw in a
few well-turned phrases.
Now, let's get back to IBM.
Now, the market is trading up so fast
that you can't even buy, so
it's... Evaporating on the upside.
Yes, that's right.
Yes, I think you know enough
to handle the stock market,
but it's about that time
that you should consider
making that urgent phone call
before you blow the whole bloody thing.
In any other trivial matter, always
rely on your native cunning and this.
But it's familiar quotations.
I never leave home without it.
[ Engine Starts ]
I'm sorry, honey.
I told him to leave the
teeter-totters out of this.
Strobe!
If I were you, I'd say yes
while you've still got a swing set.
Strobe!
Now, listen, I'm not a bad guy. Come on!
I mean, there was a time when
you wanted me, remember?
Well, it wasn't love.
Okay, so love's out. I'm talking marriage.
Hey, how does that strike your fancy, huh?
Four-and-a-half carats.
I just want to save my school.
Yeah?
You mean, like, if I gave you
the school, you'd marry me?
Jake!
We did it. I owe you the biggest one.
No, you are my hero.
Hey, Jake, you are a sharp dresser.
Which would be better for graduation?
Oh, Raj, we got to hip you to a new look.
Barney, give me your shirt.
Look, man, salminio.
Right here, Elvis Presley.
Elvis Presley?
James Dean. Let's go for it.
Click your heels. You're in East LA.
Oh, my friends, how can I repay you?
What is yours is mine.
Oh, my planes, my boats, my islands.
Thank you very much, old James Dean.
Planes?
Islands? Money?
Maybe he needs facts.
Godspeed, 3-3-6-4.
Well done, both of you.
Gotta get up.
Well done.
And so well done.
Thank you.
I beg your pardon?
Thank you.
It's Roy.
It is Roy.
I didn't think that you would graduate.
Thank you very much.
Namaste.
I now pronounce you members of the
Order of the Esteemed Bavarian Luminati.
You may rise.
Congratulations.
Good luck with your quest.
Oh, one last thing.
The secret sign. Repeat after me.
Good. Now, don't forget it.
Sometimes the secret sign is all that
stands between life and you know what?
Worse, complete social embarrassment.
Shall we dine?
Yes.
Hello there, Judge.
I didn't expect to see you until tomorrow.
Well, I'm a little early because
I've got something on my mind.
Let me guess.
Olivia, your parents put
a big responsibility on me.
Now, I'm not the one to pass
judgment on other people.
Oh, come on, Judge.
Oh, look, despite my
profession, but I want to
make sure that the man
you marry is the right one.
Well, this weekend the house
is going to be full of right ones.
Just pick one of them and I promise I'll
do all I can to take care of your school.
What's my choice? Strobe, fennebras?
Good bloodlines.
Life is simple.
Sir, there are some
gentlemen here to see you.
Oh, send them in.
They are my very good friends.
Oh, I like this book.
Hi, Judge.
How you doing, pal?
Jake, Barney, everything
is as you asked for.
We have my cars. We have my tailors.
Everything is ready.
Rog, you're saving my life. Thanks a lot.
Oh, good luck to you, my friend.
Bring her back alive, okay?
Look at those cassavas.
Hi.
Jeez, this is great. Don't move.
I need a tattoo for my mobile
With an arrow right through the heart
And in the middle of
the heart there is a space
For your name that I can never erase
I'll always need you
And I believe you'll be mine
Gee, good thing I
brought the little one, huh?
Heh.
Excuse me.
Who left the kitty car in the driveway?
What are you doing here?
Are you out of your mind?
Save it.
This is a roller-coaster ride, get it?
Nobody gets off till I say so.
Judge, uh, I want to introduce you to--
Jake Bateman, Your Honor.
Sorry my man wasn't able to RSVP.
We were on safari.
Just put us anyplace. It'll be fine.
Bateman?
I don't recall inviting
anyone named Bateman.
Mr. Bateman is a friend of yours?
Crafts pay Mr. Bateman's luggage.
Aye.
Do we know him?
For do we know him?
Well, he certainly knows Olivia.
I distinctly remember seeing
no Bateman on the guest list.
There's the Boston Batemans.
There's the Baltimore Bateman.
Baltimore has Butmans. No Batemans.
No food for the help.
You may eat in the kitchen if you like.
Kitchen's right over there, sir.
Release that shrimp.
Hey, you guys like puppets?
Watch this.
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, okay?
Fuck you, fuck you, fuck you,
fuck you, fuck you, fuck you.
Okay?
Hi.
You two kids.
Now, this is incredible.
Isn't that a Pomeranian?
Well, yes, it is.
You know, I have a very similar
dog, an Australian Shepherd.
We keep her at the summer cottage.
I do have a couple of dogs.
You know, I have a very similar
dog, an Australian Shepherd.
We keep her at the summer cottage.
I do have a photo with me.
There she is.
There's Sparky.
Oh, how sweet.
Isn't that a picture of
you with Prince Charles?
Oh, yeah, Charlie.
You know, I told him to
go with a Pomeranian, too.
Went with an Irish setter, trying to
improve the political climate, I think.
Hello, Dee Dee.
Hello, little pimpie.
Dee Dee, will you excuse me
while I borrow Mr. Bateman?
Why, certainly.
See you, Dee Dee.
Right.
Bye.
Bye, Dee Dee.
How are you this evening?
I'm fine.
Shake!
I could kill you.
Not the suit.
I just got this.
Hello.
Hi, there.
Darling, I've been looking
everywhere for you.
Here you are.
We're fencing.
So I see.
Bateman, isn't it?
And a Harvard kid.
Bateman of Harvard.
Bateman of Harvard.
No?
No, no.
Oh, but a Harvard meant
fencing with a defenseless face.
Oh, but a Harvard meant
fencing with a defenseless little girl.
You do fence with men, don't you?
Why, do you know any?
Well, perhaps you'd like to
cross swords with me sometime.
Certainly.
Let's say tomorrow at dawn in the garden.
Done.
Good.
Done.
When you're finished
with your little friend,
I'll be waiting for you
by the crack-crack.
You don't fence, do you?
Fencing's my life.
[barking]
Is this bad lady squeezing your genitals?
Yes.
You know, my aunt has a dog like that,
and like when my other aunt,
Sofia, big fat lady comes over,
he just jumps on her leg, right?
He gets to pump and pump and
pump, and his eyes start rolling back.
And then he gets a satisfied look,
and then she shakes her
leg and starches her nylons.
Has that ever happened with this one?
I don't get it.
You're going to fight with car antennas?
No, no, here they are.
Here they are.
I'll vape in your hair.
I was afraid you might not show.
Wishful thinking, Finnebrest.
Let's go.
[laughs] Epee?
No, no, no, no, no.
Hey.
What is this shit?
That's all right.
That's all right.
What, are you doing my rape here?
I can handle this.
[clapping]
[grunts]
[laughs]
[grunts]
[clapping] What?
I thought I was the only one.
It was incomprehensible to me at the time
that they could change
Darren's "Unbewitched" like that.
That's right.
That's right.
First it was Dick York,
then it was Dick Sargent.
Dick Sargent.
You just don't change dicks midstream.
Yeah, you're right.
[clapping]
Well, all the inquisition is fine,
but what are you going
to do if you're ever in my
neighborhood and some
dude sticks a gun in your face?
I have a car phone.
Uh-oh.
[laughs]
[grunts] Come on.
You gotta catch a bus?
You know how rare it is to find a
woman that can cook in an animal's stairs?
Just like that.
[speaking italian]
She's squawking about.
I think she insulted you.
Would you mind repeating that, please?
Oh, really?
Does anyone here speak maid?
Hey, I know exactly what she said.
See, I'm fluent in several
languages, honky being one of them.
What she said is that she's
sorry for bumping into you,
but she was up all last night
with one of her eight kids
who has the hooping costs.
[speaking italian]
No, no, no, no.
It's fine.
It's fine.
It's OK.
[speaking italian]
I'll give you one for this.
Oh, I think you owe me
a lot more than just one.
[speaking italian]
[speaking italian] All right.
[speaking italian]
Well, it's a start.
I can't let you go on with this.
They're going to kill you.
Yeah, but what a way to die.
You've got to stop.
Oh.
No, I'm-- not-- not this.
Oh.
So how did you learn to do that?
I had this babysitter.
I was 12 years old.
No, no, no, no.
Not that, that.
The fencing.
Oh, I can do anything.
As long as I'm doing it for you.
So anyway, it ended in a cross-collateralization,
and no one made a dime on the deal.
Very funny.
Here's an old joke.
Very popular on the floor
of the market last year.
Is that where you made your money, Bateman?
No, that's where I keep it.
I like your style, Bateman.
Are you joining us for the skeet shoot?
Of course.
Good.
Hey, look at the bright side.
Hell, at least you wound
up on a silver bladder.
Now they want me to kill something.
What?
A skeet.
What the hell is a skeet?
It's like a Haitian, only smaller.
Will you get real?
What are we going to do?
Well, first of all, don't panic.
I'll make a phone call.
I got just the right person in mind.
Jake, who are we?
Who are we?
Right.
Get back there, woman.
God.
I don't know if they eat you or fuck you.
I don't know.
Squee!
Squee!
Pull!
Damn.
Sun's brutal, isn't it?
Not really.
Perhaps we should have used bigger skeet.
Pull!
Hurry, hurry.
All right, just stay calm and
remember what I told you.
No problem.
Well, what do you say, Wild Bill?
Should we call it a day or
perhaps you'd like another pull?
I'd love another pull.
This time, just to make it interesting,
I'm going to shoot Lefty.
Set four!
Pull!
Come on, come on.
Excuse me, Willie.
It's great shooting, isn't it?
Very good, Bateman.
What do you think, Stro?
Yeah, yeah.
Nice shooting, Bateman.
Thanks, pal.
Ow!
So the fellow said,
"How long have you
been wearing those?
" And he replied, "Ever since my
wife found them in the pocket of my car.
" I love getting them.
What are you eating there?
What is this black shit?
That is expensive Russian caviar.
Yeah?
Damn!
Smells like pussy to me.
Don't this remind you of a drive-in?
Check it out.
Shit, didn't have no drive-ins
when you was young, huh?
Good vintage.
What do you think, Mr. Bateman?
Yes.
Chateau Margaux.
Sixty-three.
Triflutanic.
North Slope, I believe.
Very perceptive.
Yes.
Ah!
Don't mind me.
I've been working at Three Mile Island.
Bateman, we've been talking,
and we're just a little bit curious.
Exactly what is it you do?
Yes, what do you do exactly?
I'm not at liberty to say.
Oh, come now.
We're all friends here.
We have nothing to hide.
Isn't that right, Judge?
I must admit I'm a bit curious.
What about it, Mr. Bateman?
Well, if you insist, Your
Honor, all I can say is
that I'm a financial advisor
to several important men.
I...
I do happen to have a photograph
of one of my clients with me.
I went to charm school.
Look what I learned.
Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus, Amadeus
Go ahead, try it. It's good.
It's good to you. Watch.
Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus
You keep working at it. I'll be back.
Amadeus, Amadeus
Rock me, Amadeus
Do you golf better than you fence?
Depends if my opponent
decides to cheat or not.
Um, Judge, is your
dance card full?
It just emptied.
Hey, it's my favorite dog lady.
How you doing?
You got yourself another one, huh?
Yes, uh-huh.
This is a Sharpay, a Chinese dog.
Oh, how old is it?
Uh, three months.
No, I doubt it. Look at this dog.
It looks like this has a flat.
Look at this.
No, please.
You didn't iron it.
That's the way the dog is.
You can fit two dogs in here.
No, please, don't abuse my dog.
Do you have any Vietnamese neighbors?
No, no.
Well, look, if you ever do
have some Vietnamese people
moving next door to
you, take my word for it.
Take Fluffy with you,
or else you'll come home.
Your dog will be missing a leg.
You'll be going,
"Where were you?
" Please, please,
you are so disgusting.
Oh, oh, I'm disgusting.
Like, look, my neighbors, like,
I've had four dogs this month, okay?
I went over there and I asked them.
I said, "Hey, have
you seen my dog?
" And they were picking their teeth
and going, "No, we don't see Fluffy.
"What's your dog look like?
"Does your dog have,
like, a big, juicy hind leg?
" Oh, you're so atrocious.
Oh, fine, fine.
I guess we ain't pals no more.
Hey, General, you ought
to get yourself a dog, man,
'cause a dog's a man's best friend.
I mean, after all, the first thing they do
is they put their nose
up your crotch, right?
Can't get any friendlier than that, huh?
Ha ha!
You ought to try some
Grecian formula, too, babe.
Your Honor, may I have the honor?
Maestro!
Patanko, please!
(upbeat music)
See the conehead?
Take him out.
(speaking in foreign
language) You owe me!
Okay, take care of him.
And then you owe me.
(upbeat music)
Come on, who the hell are you?
(speaking in foreign
language) Shit!
(coughing)
Damn you, Papen!
Get off!
I've never been so
humiliated in all my life.
Oh, sure you have.
(clears throat)
Then first,
I consider this unacceptable
behavior from gentlemen.
Why don't you make
some attempt to settle this?
I suggest you compete against one
another in a game of cross courts.
I doubt if he plays cross courts.
It's my middle name.
Done, then.
You'll excuse me.
What the hell is cross courts?
Now, let me tell you about
flying, though, seriously,
'cause I know you're getting
pissed off, and as well you should.
But look, buff flying is, whenever I
get in an airline, I don't understand.
The safety regulations,
they're bullshit, man.
Like, I've been in airplanes
where they actually tell you,
"Ladies and gentlemen,
in case of an emergency,
"please place your
head between your legs.
" Who are they bullshittin'?
If I could do that, I'd
never leave the house!
(laughing) Get it?
Leave the... (laughing) What?
(whistling) Colonel!
Colonel, Colonel!
Oh, there you are.
I came as quickly as I could.
I'm sure I had to look high and
low to find the right equipment.
I haven't played cross courts in 20 years.
What in the hell is it?
Well, it's the most archaic and
esoteric game in the whole world.
It dates back to the Renaissance.
I mean, there are only, what,
seven courts in the whole world.
Can you teach us to play?
Uh, well, I'll do my best,
but you'll have to find a
third player for the actual
match 'cause I, I, I, I've
got a game, game leg.
Yeah, don't worry about it.
I'll call somebody.
Who are you gonna call?
I don't know, but whoever
it is, it'll be Collette.
(dramatic music) How do I look?
Relax, man, you're making me nervous.
Be cool.
Okay, okay.
Where's this guy?
He'll be here.
Who'd you get?
Now, how does that go?
It's not whether you win or you lose.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
Who'd you get?
(dramatic music)
Here he comes now.
(dramatic music) Oh my God.
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(audience applauding)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
This will be played to seven cheekies.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music)
(horn honking)
Spin the first ball.
(dramatic music)
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
no, no, no, no, no, no,
no, uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Hey, hey, hey, hey,
hey, no, no, no, no, no,
no, no, no, uh-uh, uh-uh,
uh-uh, uh-uh, uh-uh.
Your Honor, I demand
an immediate cheeky
challenge beyond a
judgement head scrum reversal.
Your Honor, I just want to
kick him in the nuts one time.
The failed stand.
Bush scrum challenge accepted?
Uh, yeah.
Ready.
Hey, what are we looking for?
You stupid geek.
Hey! Hey!
Ow! Ow!
The alley judgement.
Sustained.
Good judgement. Good call.
Henchman!
Nerd.
Hey, it's dark in here.
Should we try to spin the next bowl?
Here.
Hey, this penalty stuff's not so bad.
This penalty stuff's not so bad.
Mickey!
Paul!
Wait, wait and be all right.
Your Honor, surely a hedge-hop.
Hedge-hop branded.
Thank you.
[Grunting]
[Laughing] Easy round.
[Laughing]
[Grunting]
[Laughing]
[Grunting]
[Laughing] Hey, Spartacus.
What are you in for?
I cheated. They made me cheat.
Your friends are loud,
lewd, coarse sportsmen.
I've been penalized.
Ah, don't be so hard on those guys.
They're my pals.
They're just social climbing, that's all.
They're trying to use all the
stuff we learned in charm school.
Welcome back. Strobe.
I've got to tell you something. Not now.
Strobe? Not during the game.
Charlatan.
Bonsires.
Araviste.
Your little geek friend from charm
school spilled the proverbial beans.
Honorable spectators.
Something terrible has happened today.
And we may never recover.
These men are imposters, fakes, frauds.
Don't tell me. Bialy, right?
That's all.
This way? Thank you.
Olivia, you're mine.
[Laughing] You look fine.
How do you feel?
Fine. I just don't remember
where I parked my car.
You'll be great.
Oh, hello. So nice for you to
come all the way from Winnetka.
That's terrific. Hello.
This isn't Buffy, huh? Where's Buffy?
How are you? Mmm. So nice to see you.
How are you? Hello, by the way. Sit down.
Enjoy. Good to see you.
I don't know who these people are.
Your honor, oh, you'd never get here.
To the victor go the spoils, I suppose.
Hi.
All right, hold it right there.
This parking is for clergy only.
But I am clergy.
Yeah, and I'm the Easter Bunny.
Come on, let me see your badge.
Badge? They don't give us badges.
Well, then let me hear you say hallelujah.
Ha, ha, ha, hallelujah.
Get out of the car. Come on.
You're under arrest. Let's go.
All right.
Now, you have the right to remain silent.
Anything you say may be held
against you in the court of law.
I'm sorry. I'm sorry.
Anything you say may be held
against you in the court of law.
I love my job.
I'll take it from here, Judge.
My darling, this ends without a
doubt the happiest day of my life.
Hello, Strout.
Trouble already?
Hey, how you doing?
I'm just recovering his wife.
Hi, Strout.
Old club ever, darling?
Here you go, Strout.
There are all his smells.
Every one of them came.
God has smelled fire.
Dearly beloved, and those of
you we do not care too much for,
we are gathered here
today to join this magistallion
and this frail flower
in holy mantra alimony.
If there is anyone here who feels
these two should not be married,
speak now or forever hold
your hands on your pieces.
The ring, please.
Strome.
Not now, please.
Not now. Whitey, you're making a scene.
Please, we'll find
your car later, all right?
I now pronounce you man and wife.
You may kiss the bride.
Surprise.
Oh, don't freeze up on me now. Come here.
That's the biggest
social event of the year.
Everyone you know is here.
The governor's here.
All your friends are here.
Hit him, ma'am. Hit him, I am.
Do you mean it's okay with you?
Damn right it is.
Your parents wanted
you to marry the right man.
I think they'd be happy.
I got a sweet at the Holiday Inn.
We got a big water bit.
Oh, are we gonna make waves?
Oh, yes. You make promises to me.
You're gonna fulfill
all those illegal acts.
Yes, if we need farm
animals, we'll use them too.
Congratulations.
You're all right, your honor.
I know.
Come here.
It's gonna be okay.
You'll make me happy
or I'll break your nuts, pal.
Stop this!
You're not my wife.
You're not even a woman.
There's my wife!
Oh, contraire, I am your woman.
Damn it! Stop those people!
Officer!
Officer!
Officer!
The rest is there!
You hit this one!
Oh, wait, you hit the wrong guy?
Jake!
Made the first one Barney, huh?
Seems like everybody's getting made but me.
Oh, girls! Girls!
Hi, Barney Rockefeller.
Listen, as long as I have a
face, you'll have a place to sit.
Listen, let's get out of these dresses.
The name wouldn't be Phelps by any chance.
Might be.
This week.
Stony old road.
Well, well...
I thought this smacked of your work.
Well, the boys were very apt pupils.
( music playing )
Somebody's making good wages.
Somebody wants to earn shares.
She calls him Tootles and rolls her eyes.
She makes him strudel.
She bakes him pies.
What is it? All form.
It's so he'll fall for.
Making would be.
Uh-huh. That's what she's after.
All right, take it away,
ladies and gentlemen.
Tony three-fingered Martinez.
( music playing )
All right, don't know
where to do it, though.
Who do you think you are? Keith Richards?
He doesn't make much money.
No way!
$5,000 worth.
Some judge who thinks he's
funny says you pay six to her money.
She says, "Now,
judge, what if I fail?
" You wouldn't put a
nice guy like me in jail.
You would for the new keeper.
You'll find it's cheaper
than making would be.
I'm out of here.
( speaking Spanish )
Can you believe it?
Some dude in a black dress
trying to tell me what to do.
The nerve of that bottle, huh?
All right, take it away, Chewy.
Blow that horn, man.
I'll get you some jumper
cable and a spot on MTV.
You could, man.
You play that sax just like, uh,
Clarence Lemons, you know,
the guy who plays for
Seor Jefe, you know, Mr.
Springstein.
Yeah!
( music playing )
Don't make it worry
Ooh, ooh, ooh, ooh
Down through the countless ages
Ages
You'll find it everywhere
I'm telling you, man, everywhere
Everywhere
Somebody's making good wages
Ages
Somebody wants her share
She wants her share
She calls him Tootles
And rolls her eyes
She makes him strudel
She bakes him pie
What is it all for?
It's so he'll fall for
Makin' whoopee
Uh-huh, that's what she wants.
( music playing )
He doesn't make much money
No way
$5,000 per
Money, money, money
Some judge who thinks he's funny
Says you pay six to her, buddy
She says, "Now,
judge, what if I fail?
" You wouldn't put a
nice guy like me in jail
You wouldn't put a new keeper
You'll find it's cheaper
Than makin' whoopee
( music playing )
We're makin' it whoop, whoop, whoop
We're makin' it
Aw, sing it, girls!
Makin' whoopee
I got me some bad boy babes!
( music playing ) Right.
They got some weird food here.
God damn, what is this?
These are some kind of nuclear crabs.
Boy, I bet these could
eat your balls alive.
( laughing )
I wonder what kind of lotion will
take these away from your dick.
( laughing )
Hey, dude, check it out, man!
( music playing )