The Witches of Eastwick (1987) Movie Script

You don't have to come
if you don't want to.
I want to, but I have
a million things to do first.
Mom, what's this?
- Peanut butter.
- Peanut butter and what?
Peanut butter and jelly.
What kind of jelly?
Zucchini jelly.
Five, six, seven!
How we doing?
We're doing fine, Walter.
I wish we could afford
to keep you full time.
So do I, especially now.
Hmm. ls the divorce final yet?
- Yes, today. Thank you.
- Hmm.
Let's put our heads together and
maybe we can work something out.
All right.
Uh, horns up.
One, two, three, four...
five, six, seven.
O beautiful for spacious skies
For amber waves of grain
For purple mountain majesties
Above the fruited plain!
America! America!
God shed his grace on thee
And crown thy good with brotherhood
From sea to shining sea!
Well, wonderful.
Thank you very much, Felicia.
We appreciate your taking the time
to be here with us today.
Ladies and gentlemen, a big hand
for our most prominent selectman...
or selectwoman or selectperson,
Felicia Alden.
Thank you, children and Mrs. Spofford.
I can see we have our work
cut out for us.
In these days of
disintegrating values...
and lost mores...
when our children
are exposed daily...
to the hazards of divorce, separation
and families torn asunder...
it's comforting to think back
to the days...
when a family like the Lenoxes
strove together.
Those values, embodied
in a man like Major Lenox...
They were men who labored
all their lives...
so their children would be
well-fed and clothed and educated.
The families endured great hardship...
Yet kept their honor...
their dignity and their faith in God.
We are the same people;
the same body, the soul...
the hands and the feet
of our fathers...
fighting the wars of modern vice.
What was it that tied
these people together?
What was it that made them...
not a loose gathering of individuals,
but a single bond?
That bond that held them together,
as it holds us together today.
That bond that has stood every test...
is found deep in our consciousness.
An abiding love of liberty.
For love of liberty, our forbearers...
colonies few in number and
with little to defend themselves...
fought the war for independence...
what was then the world's
most powerful empire.
For love of liberty...
those who came before us
tamed a vast wilderness...
and braved hardships...
Tamed a vast wilderness
and braved hardships...
which at times were
beyond the limit...
Braved hardships, which at times were
beyond the limit of human endurance.
Come on. Go with your morn. Go on.
Liberty must not be taken for granted.
We thank God for our blessings...
Oh, hi, come on in.
Janey, come on!
Do you believe it's raining?
Duh, no.
I mean, since this morning.
At least it shut Walter up.
The same boring, sanctimonious speech.
I thought he'd go on forever.
I was praying for something to happen.
- I was thinking the same thing.
- You were?
I was thinking we're all wet and
how nice it would be to just leave.
- Were you really?
- Yeah.
And then it rained.
He's a liar and a lech
and he deserved it.
No, I'm not talking about Walter.
Don't you think it's strange
that we were...
We were thinking the same thing
at the same time? So what?
It won't get us on David Letterman.
- I know, I...
- Let's just have a drink.
Good idea, Janey, party-baby!
You know, he made
a pass at me last week too.
- Walter? Oh, please.
- I can't even stand to think about it.
Be prepared.
He does not give up easily.
It was broad daylight and his wife
was standing ten feet away!
Poor woman.
Poor woman, my ass. Why does she
put up with it? The man is a Nazi.
Do you think they still... you know?
Really? ALEX: I hope his
dick is bigger than his I.Q.
- Once a week. He told me.
- He told you.
Otherwise she starts throwing things.
At least someone's getting
something once a week.
Yes, heartburn.
Mm. I keep forgetting how many calories
are in these.
Two minutes on the lips,
Forever on the love handles.
Ooh. And congratulations.
Oh, God, I forgot. Your divorce.
As of today, I'm a free woman.
- Join the club.
- Thanks.
Heh. Here I go again.
It's over, honey. You'll be okay.
It's a beginning, not an ending.
Right, Alex?
Besides, we still have each other.
Have some more martooni.
- Did you bring the cards?
- Was I supposed to?
- I have them.
- Okay, come on ladies, let's do it! Whoo!
I feel like I'm being unfaithful...
even if I just think about it.
Sukie, Monty deserted you
and left you with five kids.
- Six.
- Don't start, Alex.
Her husband left because
she had too many kids.
- That's his problem.
- You're oversimplifying.
- Yours left because you can't have any.
- You are definitely oversimplifying.
That's not the point.
What I'm saying is
that it's not your fault.
That doesn't matter.
It's just not that easy.
We're too young to lock it up
and throw away the key.
It's not natural.
What are we doing with ourselves?
Look, Ozzie's dead. I loved him.
He's dead.
So I spend Thursday nights
with you two the rest of my life'?
I like our Thursdays.
It's the only time I can relax.
Quilting, macram.
What did we do last Thursday night?
Chinese aphrodisiac cooking.
Fabulous. Stimulating.
We're not relaxing, we're hiding.
- What from?
- Walter Neff.
Fuck Walter Neff.
I'm not talking about him.
All right, who should we be looking for?
Somebody nice. Somebody you could like.
Somebody with a brain.
Somebody you could talk to.
Somebody you could be yourself with.
Someone to watch over me
All right, I've had it with you two.
He would have to be from out of town.
Especially considering what's in town.
A stranger. That would be interesting.
A tall, dark prince
traveling under a curse.
In Eastwick?
A foreign prince on a big, black horse.
All right, no, no, no.
If we're going to have it...
let's have it all.
He should be really handsome.
Not too handsome.
Nice eyes.
Nice ass.
I prefer small.
Aesthetically, I prefer small.
Sam was huge and there were times
when I could not face it.
I'm in the middle myself.
But who cares?
As long as it works, it's in.
- It's in.
- Okay.
It's a nice thought, but wishing
for it won't make it happen.
Men are not the answer to everything.
So why do we always end up
talking about them?
I said, some man bought
the Lenox mansion.
Did you hear me?
Yeah. Who is he?
He's from New York, no wife, no family.
He told the realtors he needed room
for his pianos.
Apparently, he has a lot of pianos.
How many pianos can one guy have?
Don't you think it's kind of
strange and funny?
What's his name?
You know, that's strange too.
What's strange about his name?
They told me his name
for the column and I forgot it.
So I called back and it's gone again.
It's not like me to forget a name.
It's the big news of the day...
considering the history of the place.
I wonder if he knows.
I don't know.
Is that Clyde and Felicia?
Yeah. Clyde?
I'll call you back, okay?
I have this culinary piece.
Hi, Felicia.
"Cheeseburger pie"?
ls your column finished?
Here's the track meet, births and
deaths, the senior citizens' news.
The toxic waste article
should be done this afternoon.
This pie looks good.
Did you hear someone bought
the Lenox mansion?
That house is landmark building.
They have no right to sell it.
I can't do anything about that.
You're too busy...
reporting on the horse trough and
Herbie Prescott's trip to Bermuda.
What's going to happen
to those birds now? Tell me that.
What birds?
The snowy egrets.
Where will they nest?
I don't know.
Felicia, what's the matter?
Honey. It's only a house.
Why are you so upset?
I have a feeling.
The most terrible feeling.
Something is happening.
Something evil.
I'm just glad they're selling.
I was afraid that...
They're not selling, they sold.
Just like that.
I don't understand.
You know I adore the little creatures.
So unreal, and yet the detail.
Little fingers and toes, little pudenda
making a bump. So sweet.
But nobody's even looked
at them sideways in months.
Then this morning...
this man appeared
out of absolutely nowhere.
So charming. Not really handsome,
but... riveting.
That's it. I was riveted.
I looked into his eyes...
and had thoughts I hadn't
entertained since World War ll.
I think I actually blushed.
Can you imagine?
No, I mean, yeah. So he bought one?
He bought all of them.
Every single one.
So who was he? A tourist?
No, he just bought the Lenox house.
He's moving in.
Do you remember his name?
Of course. His name is...
He told me.
I wrote it down, even.
It was...
It sounded...
It's right on the tip of my tongue,
but I can't...
Isn't that diabolical?
What is that noise?
I don't know.
He bought all of them?
- And now he's here.
- Making goo-goo eyes at Jane.
And the interview too. How weird.
Didn't I tell you?
Oh, it was after we talked.
The paper called him
and asked to interview him...
About the house renovation and all.
He said he'd love to be interviewed
and asked for me.
I don't know, I mean he wants me
to do the interview.
- Who is he?
- He must have a name.
I just can't remember it.
Why would he ask for you?
Because I'm good at it.
You act like I'm so stupid.
He was in my shop.
You're not stupid. But how does
he know who Sukie Ridgemont is?
I don't know.
He bought the Lenox estate
just like that.
- From New York.
- He has some kind of a foreign name.
Van something or other.
Oh, there you are. How sweet.
They're from him. With a personal note.
- Just the initial
- Yeah, it starts with
- David'?
- No. It has an "R" in it.
- Drake?
- Darren.
It's "D" something, "R" something,
- Van Horne.
- Yes!
- Daryl Van Horne.
- Daryl Van Horne?
What kind of name is that?
Oh, Clyde, honey.
I think I broke my leg.
Looking for me?
Are you looking for me?
Or is this just a happy coincidence?
- Actually, I was...
- Just looking.
Well, too bad.
Have you seen any snowy egrets out here?
- No.
- Neither have I.
Not that I'd know a snowy egret if I was
pissing on one. You want some lunch?
I think it's a little late
in the season.
For lunch?
No, pissing on birds.
Daryl Van Horne.
Alexandra Medford.
The local sculptress.
The one who makes...
the little booby dolls.
They're just little...
Little, yes, but potent. Full of juice.
Potent. You can feel it
when you pick them up.
I sent a couple to New York.
I have a friend down there.
Terrific fellow.
He has a gallery.
I wanted to hear his opinion.
Of course the scale is wrong.
Get bigger.
Let yourself go.
Get some size into it.
Do you like fish?
We're having fish for lunch.
Interesting, huh?
Oh, yes.
Fidel, that's his name.
Women love him.
They're crazy about him.
He has a big schlong.
Well, there you are.
Scale again. Size.
Who knows, maybe it's a masculine thing.
They say women don't care. I'm in
the middle myself. How about you?
How about me, what?
See, women are in touch
with different things.
That's my opinion. It's not a
fashionable one right now, but fuck it!
I see men running around,
putting their dicks...
into everything,
trying to make something happen.
But it's women who are the source,
the only power.
Nature. Birth. Rebirth.
Clich. Clich.
Sure. But true.
Why are you telling me this?
You're an honest woman.
I'm being honest with you.
I like women. I admire them.
But if you want me to treat you
like a dumb twit, I will.
But what for? You have brains, Alex.
More than brains. But you don't
know it. Most women don't.
Are you married?
Good question!
You see? Brains.
The answer is no.
I don't believe in it.
Good for the man.
Lousy for the woman.
She dies. She suffocates.
I've seen it. Then the husband...
complains to everyone that
he's fucking a dead person.
And he's the one who killed her.
- Where is your husband?
- Dead.
Sorry, but you're one of the lucky ones.
When a woman unloads a husband
or a husband unloads a woman...
however it happens...
death, desertion, divorce: the three Ds.
When that happens, a woman blooms.
She blossoms.
Like flowers. Like fruit.
She is ripe.
That's the woman for me.
Would you like to see my house?
In case anybody ever...
needed any exercise...
the pool is right over there,
past the piano...
where the ballroom used to be.
Interesting word, "ballroom."
It's one of my favorites.
Over there is...
my study.
- This is my bedroom.
- Yes, it is.
The Borgias once owned the bed.
Of course, you have to pay for it
with your soul, but...
what the hell,
I deserve a little luxury.
You have to take care of yourself.
No one will do that for you, will they?
Ha. Ha-ha.
What do you think you're doing?
Being as direct with you as I know how.
I thought you'd appreciate it.
I always like a little pussy
after lunch. What do you say?
- Hmm?
- Are you trying to seduce me?
I wouldn't dream of seducing you,
I wouldn't insult your intelligence...
with anything as trivial
as seduction.
But, I would love to fuck you.
I have to admit that I appreciate
your directness, Daryl.
I will try to be as direct...
and honest with you
as I possibly can be.
I think...
No, I am positive that you are the most
unattractive man I have ever met...
in my entire life.
This afternoon, you have demonstrated
every loathsome characteristic...
of the male personality
and even added some new ones.
You are physically repulsive,
intellectually retarded...
morally reprehensible, vulgar,
insensitive, selfish, stupid.
You have no taste, no sense of humor
and you smell.
You're not even interesting enough
to make me sick.
Um... Would you like to be
on top or the bottom?
Goodbye, Daryl, and thank you
for a lovely lunch.
If that's the way you feel about it...
that's the way you feel about it.
Is that the way you feel about it?
Who are you?
Just your...
average horny little devil.
I have to get home.
What have you got to go home to?
There isn't anybody there, is there?
The kid will take care of herself.
She'll eat and fall asleep
on the bed doing homework.
I promise.
And housecleaning?
You clean up the dirt,
there's just more dirt tomorrow.
Make the beds, they just
have to be made tomorrow.
Wash the dishes.
There's more to wash tomorrow.
- I have to make...
- Make dinner?
It just gets eaten.
You've done your best, Alex.
You've done the wife bit,
the motherhood bit.
The car pools, the vegetable garden...
the needlepoint,
the macrame potholders...
a cup of coffee with
a neighbor in the morning...
a couple of drinks,
a couple of pills...
a little psychoanalysis...
Where are you now, Alex?
Exactly where I want to be
and I'm doing fine.
Pretending to be somebody else?
To be half of what you are?
How long can you last like that?
The world keeps growing,
and you feed it.
But it doesn't feed you, does it?
It washes through you,
down the drain, wasted.
A woman is a hole,
isn't that what they say?
All the futility of the world
pouring into her.
How much can you take, Alex?
How much can you take...
before you snap?
Lying on your bed,
looking at the ceiling...
waiting for something to happen.
And knowing all the time that you
were meant for something better.
Feeling it.
Wanting it.
Use me, Alex.
Use me.
Fill me up. I can take it.
Make it happen. Don't wait.
Time is the killer.
Make it happen.
Do it, Alex.
Do it now.
You know...
You sit there in that...
pathetic excuse of an office...
reporting gossip...
while under your very nose...
is doing its worst.
You have no spine, Clyde.
Not one ounce...
of morality.
Even common sense.
Nuclear holocaust.
Rape. Apartheid!
Why, these words mean nothing to you.
It's just a local newspaper.
It is local turpitude.
You are a failure, Clyde!
You should be strung up...
along with that son of a bitch
who bought that house!
Call the nurse!
I am in pain!
- Then take the pill.
- I don't want to.
I'm not going to force it on you.
Is it Alzheimer's?
No. It's the bone marrow.
When a bone breaks...
bits of fat get in the bloodstream
and the blood vessels of the brain.
It affects the behavior.
She's hysterical. She says things that
I don't know where they're coming from.
It's bone marrow?
Yes. She'll be very upset.
She'll say terrible things.
She may even be paranoid.
It is perfectly normal. It will pass.
What's happening to me, Clyde?
It's all right, sweetheart.
I open my mouth and
the strangest things come out.
You've had a hard time
and you're tired. Try to sleep.
Something is inside me, Clyde.
Something is crawling inside me.
I can feel it.
Something evil.
It's almost here.
In there!
At last we meet.
Daryl Van Horne.
Cream and sugar?
- One lump or two?
- Four
- Sweet tooth.
- Sweet everything.
I'm a sugar junkie.
Sugar, chocolate, Coca-Cola...
Uncontrollable appetite.
In every department.
That's not good for you.
It doesn't bother me.
I have a supernatural constitution.
It's genetic.
I don't hold on
this health consciousness shit.
Pardon the language.
I see guys, 60...
70, breaking their balls...
to stay fit. What for?
When I die, I want to be sick,
not healthy.
I suppose that's one way
of looking at it.
Do I make you nervous?
Yes, you do.
I'm sorry.
I don't know why I said that.
Truth is best.
Yes, that's so true.
So what brings you to Eastwick?
We're going to have
a polite conversation.
I'm sorry.
No, I don't mind.
I came to Eastwick
because I was drawn here.
I needed a place to settle down and...
I liked the house.
It has a history.
No, it's true.
They say they used
to burn witches there.
The entire witchcraft scare...
as far back as the 14th century,
was started by the medical profession.
That's right.
They were trying to get midwives
out of the child-birthing business.
That's what most of the women
they burned were. Midwives.
Is that true?
You better believe it.
Just another example of
male-dominated professional society...
exploiting females
for their own selfish purposes.
Men are such cocksuckers, aren't they?
You don't have to answer that.
It's true.
Their dicks get limp...
when confronted by a powerful woman,
so what do they do?
Call them witches.
Burn them, torture them...
until every woman is afraid.
Afraid of herself...
afraid of men.
And all for what?
Fear of losing their hard-on.
Let's play some music.
You play beautifully.
Nothing compared to you.
You're an artist.
Vibrato. Stretch.
You think I'm crazy, but I know music.
It's the one thing that makes me humble.
Not prissy? Our leader says
my intonation is prissy.
You have precision.
Precision is not prissy.
Precision is the foundation of passion.
Passion without precision? Chaos.
Look at your thumb.
Your sublime thumb position.
You really keep the pressure on.
Most men can't, but you...
You have the most beautiful callus.
This hand.
This is your failure.
Your bowing sucks.
My bowing? Why?
Your spiccato sounds like marcato.
Your legato like dtach.
You kill the passion. Let it go.
Why are you holding back?
These aren't just notes
you're playing...
they're phrases. Human outcries.
I understand that! And I practice!
I practice until my fingers bleed!
I know.
It's the sixteenth notes in the allegro.
I can't do it!
Yes, you can.
It's no good.
I don't have it.
I can't do it.
- Yes, you can.
- No, I can't, I can't.
Trust me.
Trust me.
Let it go. Don't be afraid.
You have great passion in you.
Let it out.
I can take it.
I want it.
Yes, that's it.
Relax. Just breathe into it.
Don't tighten up. That's it.
Feel it. Hold it. Love it.
That's it, yes.
Yes, that's right. Now!
That's right. Do you feel that?
Let it wash over you.
Let it tickle you.
Did you miss me?
- Yes.
- Good. I missed you too.
- Like my new top?
- Yeah, it's cute.
Do you want to listen to some tapes?
Alex! Yoo-hoo.
I'm out here!
- Let's go.
- What is that?
We're going to be late.
Carol, the number is on the fridge!
- But you're not dressed.
- I'm not naked.
- I don't believe it!
- Neither do I!
But I swear to God,
I couldn't walk for two days.
His penis is amazing.
It bends the wrong way.
The wrong...? Wait a minute!
It bends like that!
- You're terrible.
- No, I'm fabulous.
But just because you went
to bed with him...
No, it's not just that!
It's like he knows me.
He knows everything!
I can't wait for you to meet him.
And I can't wait for Jane to meet him!
Jane will love him!
Is that you?
Sukie. Alexandra.
Did you come to fix the plumbing?
I didn't have time to change.
What's your excuse?
I don't need any. I was invited.
So was I.
Mm. Darling!
There you are.
- Are we late?
- Not at all.
Weren't we playing singles?
- You don't play tennis.
- I do now.
Sukie. At last we meet.
Hi. Hello. How are you?
Let me...
look at those eyes of yours.
You are a fertile creature, aren't you?
Thank you, I think.
I'm reading that rag of a newspaper.
You are a genius.
Wasted. Pearls before swine.
When are we going to do our interview?
I love interviews.
- They're so intimate.
- Anytime you say.
Just the two of us,
banging away, head to head.
Yes, yes.
But not today.
Today is for tennis.
Are you ready, ladies?
What a day!
What a day!
Is that your perfume?
Double fault!
I'm not blind or deaf!
You don't have to shout!
We're all good friends.
Let's play fair.
I always play fair, okay?
Love-forty, Jane.
- What do you mean?
- Don't let them rattle you.
They're just trying to get you.
Let's go.
- Uhn!
- Ah.
Sorry, darling. Lost my head.
I've got it! I've got it!
It's not coming down.
Come on.
Our game. Sukie serves.
Good going, Daryl.
Strong drink. What is it?
Rum... vodka...
I'm only kidding.
I don't mind.
Drugs have no effect on me.
- Really?
- Neither does alcohol.
It's true. It's boring, but it's true.
Are you going to seduce me too?
I don't know.
I should warn you. I get pregnant.
I get pregnant all the time.
At the drop of a hat.
I could borrow your toothbrush
and get pregnant.
I'll keep that in mind.
That doesn't bother you?
You're not like other men.
- I'm not.
- Uhn-uhn.
Most men, well, my husband,
try to keep everything under control...
pretend everything is normal.
Always rational,
always an explanation for everything.
Men need that, don't they?
To feel everything is solid.
And the world just isn't like that.
Certainly not with you three around.
I don't think...
We're not so different from other women.
Women are more natural, right?
And nature is crazy,
no matter what science says.
So I don't mind.
I don't mind when peculiar things
happen. It's natural...
because the world
is a peculiar place.
And you're a very peculiar person.
Thank you.
I would love to be a woman.
You would? Really? Why?
Just look what you can do
with your bodies.
Make babies and...
make milk to feed the babies.
If I could do that...
Who are you, really?
Anybody you want me to be.
Look at what they can do.
These are human beings.
When you're a kid
and don't understand anything...
you think when you grow up
it will all make sense.
Then when you grow up,
you keep waiting for the day.
You think it ever happens?
It starts when you open your eyes and realize
what the future has in store for you.
And what do you see
when you open your eyes?
It's a short life, isn't it?
Sometimes I look in the mirror
and I see everything...
disintegrating faster and faster.
I always see snakes.
Hundreds of them.
They crawl all over me and I disappear.
Then I'm just not there anymore.
Well, I don't mind that it's a short life
or growing old or disappearing.
It's the pain that scares me.
I don't know why there has to be...
so much pain.
Yeah, well...
We don't deal the deck
down here, we just...
play the percentages.
- Whores!
- Shh, Shh, Shh.
- Whores.
- Sit down, sit down.
Look around you.
Look around you.
Do you see what's happening?
In our town.
In our very homes!
You know who I'm talking about.
You know!
You know what's going on in that house!
With that devil!
She's fine. She's sick.
No! Drugs! Drugs are next.
Spanish flies!
Dildos! Anal intercourse!
Listen to me!
- Please.
- Sorry!
Let's go home, Felicia.
You employ one of them, Clyde.
That's nobody's business.
Oh-ho. It is everybody's business!
You know, once there was a paradise.
Then a serpent came into that garden.
For Christ's sake, Felicia,
would you stop?
On, Clyde.
I have nothing against a good fuck.
But there is danger here.
Somebody has to do something about it.
Okay, stop.
Stop! Stop.
Let's get rid of the music.
Throw it away! Get rid of it.
Let's get rid of the music.
That's it! Right. Okay, now...
I want you all to close your eyes.
Take a deep breath.
Let it all out.
Now pick up your instrument...
and when I count to four...
we'll play the shit
out of this thing.
One, two, three, four.
That's it, just relax.
Take it easy. Good.
Come on, smile, Martha.
That's it, this is fun.
Come on, this is easy.
Easy-peasy. That's it, that's it. Good.
Just let it flow over you. Good.
Let it tickle you now.
Tickle, tickle, tickle, tickle.
Good! You've got it now. Come on!
Go with it, it's yours! Come on!
Good! Yes!
See? You can do it. That's it.
You're doing great. Flow with it.
That's it, yes!
These aren't phrases,
these are human outcries!
Double-double chocolate.
These are fabulous.
Excuse me.
Are you buying the paper or not?
- Um...
- Slut.
What did you say?
You heard her.
Did you see her socks?
She's not wearing a bra.
How could you do this?
We didn't use any names
except for Van Horne.
You don't know what goes on there.
The whole town is talking
about you and your friends.
This is so unfair. It's also untrue.
- No, no, no, no.
- Yes.
He filled in the wetlands
and ruined it for the birds.
He altered the landmark building...
and the town is suing him
for $2 million.
How can you do this to me?
I work very hard and you know
I'm a good writer.
All right, Sukie, all right.
- What?
- Look, look.
I don't own the newspaper, you know.
It's Felicia, isn't it?
She's a...
very sick woman.
She's having a very bad time.
And I don't know what to do.
I want her to see a doctor.
Well, not a doctor, you know,
but a... doctor.
We went to high school together.
She was a catch.
Ever since the accident, she just
hasn't been the same. And now...
I'm so sorry, Clyde.
What am I doing?
Firing me.
All these terrible things she says...
they're not true, are they?
We should stop seeing each other.
- Oh, let's not overreact.
- Yes, let's not overreact.
- I think we should.
- It's a small town, Daryl.
We haven't done anything.
Why stop seeing each other?
Clyde says that Felicia has visions.
Why is it always women
who have visions?
She sees the devil here in Eastwick.
If you were the devil,
would you come to Eastwick?
Oh, I don't know.
Poor Felicia.
Poor Felicia? She talked
to all of my students' mothers.
I had 12 cancellations this week.
People tell Carol her mother is a dyke.
You're being sued for millions.
That is inconvenient.
She's not kidding about
her medieval morality.
I think Sukie is right.
Maybe we should stop.
Maybe she should stop.
You can't be serious.
We're a family.
Just for a while
until things settle down.
Don't let her get to you.
Have a cherry.
They are selling pornography
at Schyler's News Shop.
In the open. On the shelves.
Children are looking at this...
It's in broad daylight.
I can't understand one word
you're saying. Not one!
They're standing in line...
Filth in broad daylight.
She made a scene at Schyler's.
Grabbing magazines from kids
and chasing them.
She's in pain. Clyde too.
He started drinking again.
She's twisted. Getting to me
through my kid is sick.
- We could help.
- By putting her out of her misery.
They're lucky to have each other.
If they don't appreciate that,
I have no sympathy.
Easy for you to say.
You don't have kids or a family.
You're my family.
I don't want to lose it.
I just can't stand to see you upset.
You don't know what it does to me.
I wish she would just go away.
Have another cherry.
He's trying to get inside me.
He's trying to use me.
And he's using these women too.
He wants to take our goodness.
He wants to get inside me.
Just like a man.
Tickle, tickle, diddle, diddle.
God made us in the image of goodness.
Look what we've become.
Animals gone mad...
devouring the earth and each other.
Eat, eat, eat, eat!
Felicia, calm down.
I know who he is, Clyde.
Have another cherry.
What have you been eating?
Those poor women.
I have to warn them.
He'll propagate, Clyde.
He will increase his number.
Those women are going to bear him sons.
He's going to take their love
and destroy the earth with it.
Let's call it a day.
- I don't believe it.
- I know.
I know him. He couldn't do this.
Alex, don't you get it? God!
Get what?
Last night, all that talk.
Those were just words.
They make things happen.
We make things happen.
- We had nothing to do with this.
- Yes, we do!
We should talk to Daryl.
Why? Why do we have to do
everything Daryl says?
She's right.
Some man comes along
and nothing else matters!
You are so dumb, Jane.
- This is about us, not Daryl.
- Let's call him.
Can't you stop thinking
from between your legs?
You bitch!
Alex, don't.
- Shut up, Sukie!
- Will you get off of her?
Anybody call?
- Hello?
- Hi.
- Daryl?
- Yeah. Remember me?
How are you?
I'm hanging in there.
What do you want?
Nothing. I just called
to see how you are, you know?
See how things were going.
I'm fine.
I wanted to see how you were,
you know?
Make sure you were okay.
Make sure you didn't have any
uncontrollable desire to see me.
In case you were missing me and
you were too embarrassed to call...
I called first.
Then you could feel superior
and see me at the same time.
What do you say?
I don't feel superior. I feel terrible.
I feel terrible too.
If we both feel terrible,
can't we do something about it?
What's going on here?
Nobody's calling me.
Nobody's coming to see me.
I just think we need some time.
We need a little time, okay?
No, it's not okay, Alex.
I don't understand.
Somebody died, Daryl.
Felicia is dead.
Yeah, well...
People die all the time.
She was in a bad way.
It has nothing to do with us.
I can't talk to you.
Don't call me, because I...
Don't hang UP!
Alex, don't do this! This is not fair!
Happy birthday!
It's not my birthday.
It isn't?
- You sure?
- I'm sure.
Well, what the hell.
Happy whatever day.
These are my favorite fruit.
I can't accept those, Daryl.
I'm freezing my nuts off out here.
I can't ask you in, I'm sorry.
Not even for a little while?
Just to dry off.
Talk to the kids maybe.
No. You have to go away.
You have to go away now.
I can't see you or talk to you.
I'm sorry, Daryl, but I can't!
Give me that.
- Mrs. Spofford?
- What's wrong with me?
Nothing. You're pregnant.
Three or four weeks.
Are you sure?
I thought something was really wrong.
Are you sure?
Do you need a doctor?
We could recommend...
No, no, no, I... No.
Thank you so much.
Mrs. Spofford, your clothes.
Do you think it ever happens?
It starts when you open your eyes...
and realize what the future
has in store for you.
And what do you see
when you open your eyes?
Well, short life.
I want to surprise him.
It's a short life, isn't it?
I look in the mirror
and see everything...
disintegrating faster and faster.
It's a short life, isn't it?
I look in the mirror
and see everything...
disintegrating faster and faster.
They crawl all over me and I disappear.
Then I'm just not there anymore.
I always see snakes.
Hundreds of them.
They crawl all over me and I disappear.
Then I'm just not there.
Alex, it's me.
It's me. Just let it go. Let it go!
Look at me!
Let it go. That's it. Just let it go.
Pain scares me.
I don't know why there has to be...
so much pain.
I don't know why there has to be...
so much pain.
Can we talk?
She's still hemorrhaging.
We slowed it down, but...
Will she be all right?
If we knew what was wrong,
we'd have a chance.
Can we see her?
She's in a lot of pain.
I can't give her anything...
until we know what
we're dealing with.
Okay. Go ahead.
the doctor says you'll be fine.
He doesn't know what's going on.
I'm pregnant.
So am I.
That son of a bitch.
Make him stop, please.
Make him stop.
I Will, honey. I Will.
Back off, Fidel!
Daryl? Daryl!
Tara Flavor, come on down!
- Don't "Alex" me.
- What a nice surprise.
What the hell do you think you're doing?
I said, what the hell
do you think you're doing?
A little housework.
I've been sending these shirts out,
but Jesus, they come back in pieces.
Small town.
Not enough Orientals.
Fidel's all thumbs
with this kind of thing.
That just leaves me.
I'm not talking about your damn laundry,
I'm talking about...
Sukie and Jane and me.
Golly. You girls sure are having
a hard time, aren't you?
Sukie is very ill.
Well, I'm sorry to hear it.
Then do something about it!
Me? What can I do about it?
It has nothing to do with me anymore.
It does, and you know it does!
No, I don't.
All I know is we were friends
and the next day I was shut out.
That's all I know.
One minute I was the answer
to your prayers.
Five minutes later, you wouldn't
give me the time of the day.
Sukie could die!
Don't you understand that?
- I can't help it.
- Yes, you can. Don't lie to me.
You deserted me.
We had a deal.
- That's no reason...
- Yes, it is.
You pissed me off!
Was I supposed to take it like a man?
I gave you everything I got!
I gave you more than anybody ever has,
and what do I get in exchange?
A little thank you?
A little gratitude?
I get screwed!
Oh, out the crap!
What do you want from us?
I want somebody to do these shirts!
I want somebody to pay attention to me!
I want some respect!
I want somebody to take care
of me for a change!
Huh? How about that?
What do I want? Christ!
What does any man want?
A little affection.
A little trust.
Goddamn it.
Everything I did, I did for you.
I was wrong.
Go ahead.
Go back to your miserable little life.
Fuck me if I care!
If that's what you want,
that's what you get.
You are not the only three women
in the world.
You're hurting people, Daryl.
What you did for us was great.
But you can't use your power
to hurt people.
Don't you understand that?
I want my family back together,
that's all.
and Sukie...
and Jane.
I couldn't hurt Sukie.
I couldn't hurt any of you.
How could I?
I love you.
You don't know what love is.
I can learn.
You could teach me.
How hard can it be?
Oh, Alex, let's not fight.
You can't win.
There's no way you can win.
There's nothing to go back to,
even if you could win.
Can't we just...
put this behind us and be friends?
Isn't that nice?
Tell the truth.
You missed me a little bit, didn't you?
Yeah, I have.
So let's kiss and make it better.
Huh? What do you say?
What are we going to do with you?
It stopped.
Darling, you look perfect.
You look gorgeous.
Thank you.
Feeling better?
Much better now.
Everything's going to be much better now.
We're going to town.
The ladies have a craving
for bagels and ice cream.
Three pinches.
I'd like...
a dozen bagels, a pound of gravlax and
what kind of ice cream do you have?
No ice cream. The freezer's broken.
Ice cream.
Um... Well, ahem,
I'll just take the bread and the fish.
It doesn't look like him.
It doesn't have to. We know who it is.
He looks funny with no hair.
It won't hurt him, will it?
- No. We just want to send him away.
- Jane, come on.
No ice cream. Imagine that.
I'll go see if I can't get some.
You go shopping.
I said, "A tall, dark prince
traveling under a curse."
"Somebody nice."
"Somebody you could talk to."
- Morning.
- Good morning.
I'd like some pistachio.
That is pistachio?
And some chocolate-chocolate chip.
- Are you okay?
- No, my leg!
Jesus Christ!
What is it?
What's the matter?
Are you having a heart attack?
Girls? What are you doing?
Girls! Girls! Please, don't!
Elijah fled to the mount of God.
The Lord passed by and a great,
strong wind rent the mountains...
and breaked in pieces
the rocks before the Lord...
Just having a little trouble.
A little... trouble at home.
A little domestic problem.
Nothing to be alarmed at.
Just a little female problem.
Don't pay any attention.
It's a cheap trick.
Anybody can do it.
I taught it to them myself.
Ungrateful little bitches, aren't they?
I want to ask you something.
You all go to church.
Do you think God knew what he
was doing when he created woman? Huh?
No shit! I really want to know.
Or do you think it was
one of his minor mistakes?
Like tidal waves! Earthquakes! Floods!
Do you think women are like that?
What's the matter?
You don't think God makes mistakes?
Of course he does.
We all make mistakes.
Of course, we make mistakes,
they call it evil.
When God makes mistakes,
they call it nature.
So what do you think?
Women. A mistake?
Or did he do it to us on purpose?
I really want to know!
If it's a mistake, maybe we can
do something about it!
Find a cure!
Invent a vaccine.
Build up our immune systems.
Get a little exercise.
You know. Twenty pushups a day...
and you never have to be afflicted
with women, ever again!
All right, that's it.
How do we know it worked?
I guess we just wait and see.
My God, look at this place.
- Just in case.
- Okay.
Here, here. Quick. Okay.
The doll.
- Jane! Jane.
- Aah!
Jane, laugh!
Come here, you.
Come on, sweet pea, come on. Oh.
Come on, little Mookie boy, come on.
What a big guy! Sweetheart.
Look at Fidel.
What does he have for you?
Janey, stop it.
Just stop it.
I can think about him if I want to.
Not when we're all together.
I miss him. I can't help it.
I do, and so do you. Admit it.
Okay, we admit it.
Do you want him back?
Take it easy.
We don't want the whole household
in here, do we?
That's it. Good boys.
We're going to do just fine.
Come to Daddy and give me a big kiss.
Come on. Good boys. Come on.
Come to Daddy.
That's it. Come on.
Come on. Come on.
Oh, ladies, come on.