The Wrong Arm of the Law (1963) Movie Script

What the...?! Eh!
Right on time.
I don't know why they bother.
Exquisite, beautiful.
Positively formidable.
- Trs juste, huh?
- Not bad.
Looks all right on her.
But what about that one?
I assure your ladyship it will look even more
formidable on Mademoiselle, the beautiful bride.
Mm, you'll have to
pad it out a bit in front.
Oh, but that is the fashion these days.
I'm sure that Mademoiselle is completely up
to date. This slim, boyish, greyhound look.
Today, curves are entirely superfluous.
On the younger woman, of course.
Well, we'll take it.
- Trs gentille, Madame.
- And now, something for me.
- For the wedding.
- For the wedding, of course.
Well, that will be all for now, my dear.
Hold it. Give them a few minutes
and we can catch them red-handed.
Trente-deux. Morning Glory.
I promise you, Madame, you will be
the only woman wearing this one.
It is the only model in existence.
I've destroyed every sketch. Uh!
Oh, dear.
If only I knew what the others
would be wearing.
If Madame would care to tell me
who is going,
I have my spies.
Perhaps I could find out
what Madame will be up against.
You clever boy!
Well, Lord and Lady Hoxton.
Oh, Lord and Lady Hoxton.
I presume that would mean
the Hoxton jewels?
Yes! The usual vulgar display of wealth.
Mais naturellement.
Lord and Lady Hoxton.
Emily Kitshaw.
What? With that naughty, fabulous tiara?
- That's right.
- Ah!
That's very, very interesting.
That's the last one coming up.
There you are then.
Four bags and all registered.
A very smooth little job.
Planning, that's what does it. Care and
thought in planning, you cannot go wrong.
No, no, no, it's no good.
I don't think this is really me.
- Yes?
- All right, where are they?
- Who?
- Those three delivery men.
- Delivery men?
- Don't bandy words with me! Where are they?
- They're in the office.
- All right, where's that?
Well, it's through there.
- You can't come through here!
- Don't worry, Miss. Everything's under control.
All right, stay where you are. Mate.
Well, well.
- Now, what have we got here?
- What's the meaning of this?
Come on, you, give us a hand.
Come on, come on.
- What's it all about?
- Now, don't give us the old cobblers.
- We've been trailing your van.
- A lot of valuable stuff here, Sarge.
It's a fine thing when private citizens
are going through their personal correspondence
and the coppers come in and knock the lot off.
- Get that lot in the car.
- Yes, Sarge.
- You were saying?
- Excuse me, Sergeant.
- You're wanted on the car radio.
- Right you are, Constable. Just a moment.
Now, you lot stay here.
And don't try anything.
- They've gone.
- Let's get outta here then!
Don't be a couple of mugs.
That's what they want.
They're waiting outside for us
to do a bunk.
What do you mean, then?
It's one thing getting caught.
I'm not getting punched up as well.
- Au revoir, Monsieur Jules, and thank you.
- Au revoir, Madame.
Au revoir, Mademoiselle.
I wish you every happiness
and my felicitations to the groom.
Pearly, the police have been here.
The what?
It's those delivery men,
they're up to something.
- Where's the police now?
- Oh, they've gone.
Gone? Why didn't you tell me before?
- In front of her ladyship?
- Well, where's the lads?
- Have they took them down the nick?
- No.
They just took away some bags.
They looked like mailbags.
- They took away some mailbags?
- I saw them drive off.
- And they left the lads here?
- In your office.
- Pearly, get out of here. The law's here.
- They're waiting outside.
- We won't grass on you.
- Lads...
The law, as you call it,
has gone.
- Gone?
- Gone?
- What do you know about that then?
- I knew Pearly wouldn't let us down.
- You useless bunch of moronic twits!
- What do you mean "useless"?
What do I mean "useless"?
You know what you've fallen for,
don't you?
The oldest bleedin' game
in the business, that's all.
- The IPO caper.
- IPO?
- What's IPO?
- Impersonating a police officer.
You mean to say, we've been conned?
I mean to say, you've been conned!
- Not too bad for one morning.
- Dead easy, isn't it?
We went through that lot
like a dose of salts.
I told you, the crooks over here
are a bunch of raw prawns.
They wouldn't last
two minutes back home.
Yeah, if they all go like this job,
we'll put all the pommy gangs
out of business inside of three months.
Ah, boy, then back to Australia while
they're still wondering what hit them.
What are you talking about?
We only just got here.
We haven't started to milk it yet.
We could go on for years.
Anyway, they shipped
enough crooks out to Australia.
It's about time they had a few back here.
We'll go back when we've made enough to
live it up big for the rest of our lives.
And don't forget I want to see
the Queen before I go home.
- Yeah, we know, we know.
- When are you gonna take us to see the Tower?
You promised, didn't you?
- Who is it?
- It's me. Valerie.
- How did it go?
- Like a dream. We're onto something big here.
- Well, how much did we get?
- We're just counting it.
- I've got some more information for you.
- All right, give, baby.
- My expenses?
- Yeah, sure, but come on, what is it?
Well, you see, it's like this.
One of Pearly's men is a cat burglar.
And they've got this fantastic job
planned for next week.
- All right, hand it over.
- Wh-what are you talking about?
- You know what I'm talking about, the stuff.
- What stuff?
Search him, Constable.
- Oh, that's finished it.
- Put that evidence in the car.
Give me a hand with this.
- Come on, you.
- Yes, I'll be with you.
- Hey!
- Will you put that down?
You'll blow it one of these days.
Hello, Coombesy.
Hello, Coombesy.
They've just left the bank.
Get weaving.
All out. That side. Face the wall. Come on.
Let's see you. Come on, come on.
- All right, Sergeant?
- Yes, just fine.
Now, keep your eye on this lot.
Come on, you fellas here.
Face the wall, face the wall.
Get that car out of the way, please!
They done it again.
Well, this has got to stop, I tell you,
got to stop! I can't afford it!
- It's not our fault, Pearly.
- Shut up!
Six jobs in the last week
and not one lousy penny!
There's thousands of coppers
in London, Pearly.
- You can't expect us to sort them out.
- They've sorted you out enough, haven't they?
- Here, Pearly.
- What?
- Do you know what I think?
- What?
I mean, I could be wrong
about this, but...
I think somebody's getting
inside information about our plans.
Did you work that lot out
by yourself, Morris?
Hear that, did you?
Of course they're getting information
from somewhere, you twit!
Probably one of you lot grassing!
- Oh, no, not us!
- No, not us!
That would be very hurtful, I tell you.
That would be very hurtful.
Sting me right to the quick,
the way I look after you fellas.
Double bubble you get on Sundays. Who looks
after your families when you go inside?
- You do, yes.
- I do, don't I?
Fortnight's holiday you get each year
on the Costa Brava.
Luncheon vouchers all free,
all down to Larkin.
Here, who paid to have
your wife's hooter shortened?
- You did, Pearly.
- I did, I did.
Who fixed for your son
to go to Gordonstoun?
- You did, Pearl.
- Yeah.
Who keeps you stocked up
in the hard stuff?
- You do.
- I do!
And this is the way you repay me?
Well, I tell you something for nothing.
When I find out who it is who's grassing...
Just coming, darling.
It's all right, my darling,
plenty of time, plenty of room on top.
Any more here, please?
Here, I thought we was going out twisting.
Oh, we don't want
to go out tonight, do we?
I don't if you don't.
- Do you like the room?
- Lovely. Very fair, very fair.
- It's Georgian.
- He done it up, did he? Yeah.
I should think it's French, innit?
Of course you'd know about that.
Yeah, I know all about that.
My old mum had
a touch of the French, you know.
- Did she?
- Yeah, she was a Bluebell girl, my old mum.
6 " 2" she stood, stripped.
My other parent, that's to say my father,
as it were, he's a sort of a mongrel.
He used to be able to run the mile
in four minutes.
It's about all he had to offer.
I remember he got out of Paris
a bit sharpish.
Yeah, I don't mind a nice few mirrors
around the place.
You know, I like it because...
well, it gives you a new angle on things.
Oh, yeah.
You're taking a bit of a chance, ain't ya?
Am I, why?
Well, I mean, a bloke like me
with my reputation.
- Oh, have you got a reputation, darling?
- You're joking, aren't you?
You're playing with fire
if you did but know it.
Tell me about your reputation.
I daren't let it out, girl.
They've all been on to me.
News of the World, Sunday Times, the lot.
I've been around, you know.
A wink is as good as a nod to me.
Phwooar! Don't push your luck, darling.
Don't push your luck.
Doesn't take much with me, you know.
All of a sudden, whoosh!
The old war wound starts to throb
and I go berserk.
Sure you wouldn't like to cool off
in a light twist?
Oh, I'd much rather watch you go berserk.
There's something on your mind,
isn't there?
Something else, I mean. I can tell.
Yeah, you're right.
As a matter of fact, there is.
You've hit it, yeah.
Darling, you know
you can tell me about it.
- Is it the shop?
- No, it's not the shop.
The old rag trade's making a fortune.
Got Hartnell dead worried.
He was doing his nut at Ascot last week.
- It's not the shop, no.
- Well, then what is it?
Well, it's the gang, if you must know.
I'm losing a fortune with them.
Somebody's grassing, spilling the beans.
What, to the police?
No, not the police.
I wouldn't be worried about them.
To some new lot.
My last six jobs have been hijacked
by some new mob that's moved in.
- Darling, who'd do a thing like that to you?
- I don't know.
But they'd better bleedin' watch out,
that's all!
Can't break me, you know.
Oh, darling, don't upset yourself.
Think of your war wound.
I mean, I've got jobs planned.
I'm not just your ordinary crook, you know.
It's all in the mind with me.
I've got things going round in here
that would make Maigret drop his pipe.
Oh, I know, darling. You're so clever.
Come and tell me all about it. Come on.
I've got one job I've been working on.
- Yes?
- My masterpiece.
I call it my United Nations plan.
Here, what are you doing?
Nothing, darling. Just making you
more comfortable, that's all.
Tell me more about your United Nations.
- What United Nations?
- You know, your new job. You were telling me.
Oh, that, yeah.
Well, what's happening is this.
All us underprivileged boys,
we're getting together.
It's going to be brotherly love all the way
down the line while we carve London up.
- You sure you're all right?
- I'm fine, darling, just go on.
Oh, well, it's cooperation, you see.
That's what it is. That's the key word.
I've been on the job...
I mean, I've been on jobs
where three... separate
gangs have turned up.
Everybody all so busy wading
into each other, no one pulled the job.
Well, that's all finished now.
As I say, it's cooperation all the way.
- Take next week, for example.
- Yes, darling?
Now, wait a minute, what's
happening next week? Oh, yeah.
I've got a lovely little wedding
lined up for Friday.
Nervous O'Toole won't be touching that.
I have Monday to Friday,
he has the weekends, like the ITA.
Saturday, he's got the riverside
properties. He's taking Maidenhead.
Here, you're getting a bit fresh, ain't ya?
All right, that's far enough!
All right, into the car, the lot of you!
Come on, you. In you go.
Come on, come on!
Oi! Here! Come back here!
What about our clothes?
What are we going to do now?
Look at the state I'm in.
50,000 quid's worth of
diamonds and... You didn't recognise them?
Look don't sneeze all over me!
I've got enough trouble without catching
all your horrible, infectious little germs!
- And you. Get out my way!
- Aaa...
- Don't!
- ...choo!
Coughs and sneezes...
spread diseases.
Now, start again
and tell me what happened.
- It was all right when started.
- Will you speak up?
- I can't, Nervous, I've lost my voice.
- And 50,000 quid's worth of diamonds.
- Look, Nervous, it wasn't our fault.
- Who's fault was it then?
Look, we got the stuff all right
but they were waiting, they jumped us.
I'll jump you in a minute, I'll...
Yeah, they stripped all our clothes off
and left us in the nude.
- In the what?
- Well, we had our undies on.
- Now, look, who was it?
- It was the law.
How could it be the law? Why didn't they
nick us. Isn't that what they're paid for?
- Did you say it was the law?
- That's right.
Knuckles' law!
- You mean, the law was waiting for you?
- Yes.
And you come out with the stuff
and they jumped you?
- That's it.
- They made you strip off and searched you?
And they didn't arrest you?
Just left you there without any clothes?
It's a hell of a strange way
for the law to carry on, isn't it?
Isn't that what I'm trying to tell you?
You know, lads, apart from ourselves,
only one bloke knew about this job.
- Yeah.
- Pearly Gates.
- Pearly Gates isn't the law.
- I know he's not the law.
And I don't think the blokes
who jumped you were the law, either.
I reckon it's about time
me and Mr Gates had a little chat.
I really do.
- God bless you.
- Thank you.
- Excuse me.
- Hello?
- Mr Gates?
- Hello.
You're two of Nervous O'Toole's mob,
ain't you?
- Yeah. Alf. Brassknuckles.
- How do you do?
Mr O'Toole sends his compliments and was
wondering if you'd accompany us to the car.
And if I refuse on account of the fact
I've got a date with my girlfriend?
Well then, our instructions are to give you
a clout across the back of the nut
and drag you over there.
Well, under the circumstances,
I'll be pleased to accompany you.
- Hello, Nervous.
- Hello, Pearly.
- Call the hands off, will you?
- Right, lads. Alf.
Hello, Pearly, how's the rag trade, huh?
You making plenty of money, are you?
I was. You?
I've been making a few bob. Up until now.
Strange, neither of us making
much money recently, innit?
- Very strange indeed, so it is.
- Mmm.
Might have something to do with all
the coppers that are about these days.
Yeah, that's what I was thinking.
You designed any good
coppers lately, Pearly?
- Meaning?
- Nothing.
I was just thinking, you know,
you being in the business, like.
Well, anybody can get hold of a load
of coppers' uniforms, can't they, Nervous?
Don't you start accusing me.
Do you deny then that some of your mob
have been dressing up as coppers?
What are you on about? Three of my lads
was clobbered by three of your hooligans
dressed up like rozzers.
My staff are not hooligans
and they do not dress up as coppers.
Don't give me that.
Look, I never had any trouble before.
I form a syndicate with you and
the very first job goes for a burton.
Well, what am I supposed to think?
You're the only bloke who knew about it.
Do me a favour. I've had six jobs go
up the spout this week. 120,000 nicker.
Six? Can you prove it?
- Of course I can prove it!
- Slow down, for God's sake!
Where do you think you are,
Brands Hatch?
He's speed mad, you know.
If you're not doing it
and I'm not doing it,
it don't take an idiot to figure out
somebody else is doing it.
Yes, you're right, Pearly.
You're absolutely right.
Hey, there must be a new mob in town.
I think in view of the
special circumstances,
we ought to call an extraordinary
general meeting of the syndicate.
- Can we do that without a quorum?
- Yeah, I think we can, anyway, innit?
- Hang on, I'd better check.
- Have a look, have a look.
Yes, here. Rule 7b, sub-section two.
Emergency meetings.
"When any two delegates
wish to convene a general meeting,
seven days' notice should be given
by placing an advertisement
in the personal column
of The Times under the wording,
"Come home, Fred, all is forgiven.
There you are.
Right, that's great. Where and when?
- Tuesday week, your place.
- Marvellous! Marvellous!
Drive Mr Gates home.
And mind that cyclist!
- Look, there's a red light!
- How's Molly?
Oh, she's fine, thanks. Fine.
I've got some photographs here of her
and the kids. Would you like to see 'em?
- Yeah.
- Well, look, look at that!
Oh, lovely.
That's him.
Now, keep close alongside of me.
Excuse me, sir.
Stop it! Thief!
All right, you'd better come quiet, Snatch.
Yes, yes, all right.
We're ready for him.
They're bringing him in now.
Leave him to me, Superintendent.
I'll make him talk.
Yes, I hope so.
The Commissioner's putting the heat on us.
Says the recovery rate's far too low.
Just give me five minutes with him, sir.
Come in.
- OK, sir?
- Yep.
All right, bring him in.
- Here he is, sir.
- Well done, Perkins. Won't be forgotten.
Thank you, sir.
- Permission to carry on, sir?
- Carry on, Inspector.
Right, sir. Thank you, sir.
Sit down!
- Where is it?
- Where's what?
The 30,000 you snatched
from the bank messenger.
What are you asking me for?
Your blokes have got it.
Our blokes have got it?
Now, Snatch, you've been reading
far too many fairy tales
while you've been inside.
Now, come on now. Tell old Nosy
what you've done with the money.
I told you, your blokes took it.
They snatched it from me,
then they drove off in a squad car.
Stop playing about. Stop playing about.
Tell us the truth. Tell us the truth.
The whole world's crumbling about me,
that's what it is.
Even the coppers have turned crooked.
- I can't tell one from another any more.
- All right, all right. Constable Perkins!
- If you want the time, ask a policeman.
- Take him outside till he quietens down.
- All right, come on, Snatch.
- Who you gonna turn to in times of trouble?
We'll have another little chat
when you're feeling better.
- I mean, we pay our rates.
- You ought to be ashamed of yourself.
The whole world's crumbling!
- Well, what do you make of that?
- Well, you know these low criminal types, sir.
They're dead crafty. They'll say the first
thing that comes into their evil little heads.
- Any idea who he's working for?
- Oh, don't you worry, sir. I'll get 'em.
Yes, it's a charming little trinket,
but I think it's a trifle vulgar.
But Monsieur Jules, these are
some of the finest pieces in London.
- Well, then, I will have to go to Paris.
- Oh, one moment.
- You have something?
- Yes, something very special.
I can promise you, it will
have to be very, very special.
I usually find what I want at Cartier.
Monsieur Jules, I'm sure
you'll find what you want here.
I sincerely hope so.
You're late again, Misery.
No need to make a note of the combination,
fellas, it's all in the instructions.
Now, take a look at this lot.
Eh? What?
Well, there it is, there it is.
Layout of the shop, location of the safe
plus the combination.
I've done the job for you.
All you've got to do is get down there,
go in and whip it.
Very good, Pearly, very good.
Ingenious, innit?
- Well, modern methods, boy, that's it.
- What's on next week?
Next week, I've got a programme of educational
and training films, starting with "Rififi".
- That's that French one, innit?
- That's right.
- "The Day They Robbed The Bank Of England.
- I've seen that one.
- Followed by "The League Of Gentlemen".
- Oh, that's a good movie.
After that, we're having a discussion
on what we've learnt from all three films.
- Here, can I bring my bird?
- Why?
Well, sort of make
a night out of it, like.
Can't you make do with a drink on a stick?
Right, fellas, get your tools packed
and get down there.
Oi, come on!
- Is that the lot, Sid?
- Yeah, I reckon so.
- Let's get out of here then.
- All right, you two.
- Oh, no, not you lot again.
- What about it?
Well, you're not getting away with it
this time. Get stuck in, Sid.
Hey! Hey! Hey!
Eh! Eh, what's going on?
Blimey! Old Nosy!
- Get your 'orrible little hands off me.
- Knock it off, Sid. They're the real thing.
Eh? Oh, no.
Cooper and King, is it? Right.
You've done it this time, I can tell you.
Inspector Parker, if I'd known it was you,
I wouldn't have done that.
Don't give me that! What's the matter
with you two? You gone mad or something?
I've never known you
not to go quietly before.
It's all a mistake, Inspector, You see,
we thought you was that phoney mob.
Never mind what you thought.
Look what you done to my cap.
Yeah, sorry about that but you
can see how it was, can't you?
All I can see is you two
doing a handful on the moor.
A quiet bit of breaking and entering
is one thing,
but sloshing a bogey
in the execution of his duty!
Oh, dear, dear, dear!
They'll really lay it on for that.
Yeah, but we can explain everything
if you'll only give us a chance.
Shut up! I don't want to hear any more.
Finch, Taylor, bring them outside.
Take them down the nick.
Get the loot.
So there were three of them, were there?
- Hello, Nosy. Super wants to see you.
- Here, I told you before. Do not call me Nosy!
Fetch Cooper and King up.
I've got a few inquiries to make.
Yes, sir.
Yes? OK.
- Perkins!
- Yes, sir.
Ten o'clock? Right.
I've got a little job for you - escort
duty. You know Mr Oppenheimer?
- Yes, Sarge.
- Well, it's the usual routine.
Pick him up outside
the safe deposit in Blake Street
and see him safely home to his
office in Hatton Garden. Right?
This is a very bad show, Parker.
Trainer and Cooper attacking you like this.
It doesn't sound like them at all.
I can assure you it was them, sir. Flew
at us like a couple of raving lunatics.
- I wonder why their accomplice didn't join in?
- Biding his time, that's what he was doing, sir.
- Don't you worry, I'll get him.
- Yes.
Come in.
Cooper and King, sir.
- All right, Constable, all right.
- Right, sir.
Coming up nicely, Inspector.
Yeah, very nicely, Sidney,
thank you, very nicely.
- They say leeches is a good thing, Inspector.
- Do they? Do they?
I must remind my missus
to order me a couple of dozen.
Now, who is it you've been grafting with,
what's he done with the stuff
and who told you to go around assaulting
police officers in the execution of their duty?
We was doing the job on our Molly Malone.
Straight up, Inspector.
Yeah, and we thought
you was the IPO mob.
- Honest, Inspector.
- IPO mob?
He's trying to pull
the same one as Snatch, sir.
He's trying to make out that some mob's
going around impersonating police officers.
Well, we haven't got the stuff
and if you haven't, who has?
This IPO mob of yours, I suppose?
One of them nipped through the back window
while I was outside with you two
and made his getaway in that
other police car I saw driving off!
- Are you from Lock Street, escort duty?
- That's right, sir.
We've just had a radio message.
The job's been scrubbed.
You're wanted back at
the station immediately.
You never know whether you're coming
or going on this job, do you?
Oh, well, thanks, Sarge.
You're welcome.
- Mr Oppenheimer?
- Yes, Sergeant.
We're your escort party.
Would you mind stepping into the car?
They've never sent a car for me before.
You aren't expecting any trouble, are you?
Oh, no, sir. We're not
expecting any trouble.
I swear to you, Superintendent, this mob's
been going round doing everyone.
I mean, it's not fair. Nobody
knows where they are any more.
- How do you know? Have you seen them?
- Yeah, after we'd done that post office...
Oh, well, I've never
actually seen them, like.
Well, he's not seen them but like everybody
else he has heard about them, Superintendent.
- Well, what is it, Watson?
- Phone call from Mr Oppenheimer, sir.
- Says he's been robbed.
- Robbed?
He says he was robbed
by three policemen in a squad car.
Three policemen in a squad car?
- Well?
- It was the IPO mob all right.
They whipped the stuff while Nosy
was nicking Sid and Trainer.
That Parker gives you
the screaming habdabs.
What's the difference whether Nosy or the
IPO have got the jewels? We ain't got 'em.
What's the difference? If Parker
had kept his hands on the jewels,
they could have been back in the shop and
we could have had another crack at them!
That's what's the difference.
Ah, never mind!
- That's it, that's it, final!
- Eh?
Those IPO boys are getting
too damn cheeky, that's all.
Listen, get on to Nervous O'Toole.
Tell him, never mind about Tuesday,
the meeting's tonight.
You're late again, Misery.
Sit down, will you?
Now, come on, lads! Sit down!
Are you ready, guv?
Here, put it on its chops! Sit down!
Belt up and listen!
Order, please! Order!
Pray silence for the chairman brother,
Pearly Gates.
Pearly! Pearly!
Brother O'Toole, brothers and sisters.
We have convened this
extraordinary general meeting
in order to discuss a problem
which faces us all,
namely the disgraceful,
unethical IPO mob.
Axe the lot of them!
I realise that feelings are running high,
but I think that I want to point out first
that you've got to find your cat
before you can skin it.
I'll skin them if I ever find them.
They duffed me up last night.
They've duffed us all
up at one time or another.
We're here today to decide
what's gonna be about it.
- Now my personal feelings...
- A point of order, Mr Chairman.
I suggest we test out
the feelings of the meeting
before any resolutions
is put to the delegates.
Hear, hear!
- Is that all?
- Yes.
Right, well, the chair is open
for the feelings of the delegates.
The chair recognises Fingers.
What? Who's that then?
Fingers Ferguson, pickpocket,
Ealing, Acton and Brentford High Street.
An independent operator, unattached
to either of the two large organisations
represented here today.
I feel that the interests of the small man
must be taken into consideration
before any action is
taken at this meeting.
They've only been doing the large
organisations. What are you rabbiting about?
Look, I'm entitled to put my views!
This is a democratic gathering!
Unity, brothers! Unity!
The only way we can counteract
this menace is by concerted action.
- May I?
- Pegleg.
Peggy Bates, smuggler, London Airport,
Dover and the Newhaven ferry.
I've had three of my legs knocked off
by them in the last month.
2,000 quid's worth of watches
stuffed inside!
- We've got to act now!
- Hear, hear!
Educated Ernest, confidence trickster.
Leamington Spa
and other well-known water holes.
I want to know what the police
are doing about it?
We pay our rates.
Order, gentlemen, order!
That's not a bad idea.
Not a bad idea at all. Why don't
we take a leaf out of their book
and go to the police?
- I think it's a good idea.
- No!
It stands to reason, don't it?
I mean, the gendarmes must be
as choked about this as we all are.
It don't do their reputation any good to have a
load of crooks going round dressed as peelers.
What do you suggest, Brother Gates?
I suggest that overtures
should be made to the police,
with an aim to the eventual cooperation
between our two bodies
in order to nail this mob once and for all.
- Yeah! No!
- Yeah!
- It might work.
- No, no...
I suggest that a delegate be sent
to Scotland Yard for exploratory talks.
Right, now... Right.
Let's have a vote of confidence.
All in favour, raise their hands.
Right, right. Carried.
- What we voting for, anyway?
- Right, who's going to be the delegate?
I suggest Educated.
It was his idea and he's
got all the posh chat.
I'm afraid I must decline.
It might be a little awkward.
I'm in the middle of completing
the sale of some Van Gogh's.
That is to say, the transfer of the
Van Gogh's from one place to another.
Er, the chair recognises, erm...
the bird on the front row.
Mr Chairman, I move that this
be dealt with from the top.
Either Brother Gates or Brother O'Toole
should represent us.
Hear! Hear!
I move that Pearly Gates
be our representative.
He has the best front, he has
a social prestige few of us could match.
A spokesman such as him will bring
great prestige to our organisation.
Pearly! Pearly!
Good old Pearly!
Brothers and sisters,
your confidence has touched me deeply.
I only hope that I can prove
worthy of your trust.
Well done, Pearly, well said!
Parker, all I can say is, the Assistant
Commissioner was very annoyed this afternoon.
You'd better drop everything
and concentrate on getting a lead.
Very good, sir.
Perhaps the Superintendent be kind enough to
suggest where this lead might be got from.
And you might like to know that
unless we do something pretty quick,
we shall both be back on the beat.
Don't you worry, sir. I'll get 'em.
- Inspector.
- Yeah, what do you want?
There's a French bloke wants to see you.
I put him in your office.
You put a foreigner in my office
with all my secret files in there?
- He said he's a friend of yours.
- I haven't got any friends, French or English!
Probably stinking the place out
with them French fags.
Bonjour, Monsieur.
Qu'est-ce que vous voulez?
Bonjour, Inspector.
Well, cor blimey, Pearly Gates.
I'm delighted to meet you
but I think there must be some mistake.
My name is Charles Jules.
No, don't give me that. When I took you in
in 1948, you was Pearly Gates
and Pearly Gates you'll always be.
Inspector, 1948 was a long time ago.
Things change.
Look, mate, just cos you sell a few
women's frocks in the West End
that does not mean to say
that things have changed.
I do not sell women's
frocks in the West End, I sell gowns, mate!
I don't care what you sell.
We're on to you. We know it's a front!
One of these days, we'll find out where you
get your material from. Then we'll have you.
- You're being watched, you know.
- Now, you listen to me, Nosy.
Don't call me Nosy!
You was Nosy when you pulled me in
in 1948 and Nosy you'll always be.
I'm legitimate now, Nosy.
I made 168,000 nicker selling frocks
last year... gowns, I mean.
Yeah, well, if that isn't criminal,
I'd like to know what is.
Now, come on, state your business.
I'm a very busy man.
I haven't got time to chitchat
to the likes of you.
- I've got a proposition to put to you.
- Bribery? Right!
I want two sergeants and
a tape recorder in here immediately.
I'm not trying to bribe you, mate.
I don't carry loose change round with me.
Stand by.
Go on, I'm listening.
I've a lot of work to do today.
- Such as catching the IPO mob?
- Such as catching the IPO mob.
Send in a nice pot of tea
and a couple of fairy cakes, will you?
Sit down. Sit down.
You were saying?
As spokesman for certain parties,
I might add you're not the only ones that
this IPO mob have been having a go at.
They've been messing around with the boys
on the other side of the fence as well.
Go on.
Well, my clients are prepared
to cooperate with the police
in an effort to re-establish
the accepted status quo,
a propos the criminal and society.
Well, let's put it this way.
We do a job, you chase us.
We both know where we are, don't we?
Our jobs are hard enough without
these bleeders poking their noses in.
I see. Yes, yes, yes.
So my clients would like me to arrange
a meeting with your superiors.
Look, mate, it's difficult enough
for me to meet them.
What do you expect me to do?
Go to the Assistant Commissioner and say,
"Excuse me, sir, but half a dozen
of the biggest villains in the country
- would like a word in your earhole?"
- That's right.
After all, it wouldn't do you any harm.
You think about it.
If we did manage to nab them between us,
who'd get all the credit?
I can just see the newspaper headlines.
"Parker Of The Yard Smashes Crime Ring".
Yeah, there might be something in it.
Bit unorthodox, mind you.
Just the sort of master stroke
they'd expect from a man of my reputation.
I can hear it now.
"Well done, Inspector Parker."
- "Well done, Chief Inspector Parker.
- Yeah.
Well, we'll pencil in tomorrow afternoon,
shall we, Superintendent?
- No time like the present, they say.
- Yeah.
Well, I'll sound my people out and
confirm by telephone later on today.
Right, right.
You'll find me in the classified under...
haute couture.
Oh, yeah?
Oh, yeah?
- Well, it doesn't feel right.
- Well, it looks perfect.
Wonderful, wonderful! No question.
Absolutely beautiful.
Might have been made for you.
Absolutely beautiful. Erm...
It's necessary to... stuff her out in front
and give her a belt up the back. Otherwise...
Where have you been all afternoon?
I've been rushed off my feet.
An Inspector Parker phoned.
He's ringing back.
Where's Valerie?
Taking a leisurely shower
in the changing room.
Good. See to those alterations
- Oui, Monsieur.
- Au revoir.
- Valerie, where are you?
- I'm in the shower. Who is it?
- Charles. Anyone with you?
- No.
Listen, love, I've come to tell you
I can't take you flying tomorrow.
Yeah, I'm sorry, but there's an important
business meeting cropped up and...
Hello. All right. Beatrice, for me?
Put it through here. Mm-hm.
- Hello, Maison Jules.
- Who is it?
- Mr Jules, please.
- Who is this?
- Inspector Parker here.
- Hello, Nosy, how are you?
- Nobody you'd know.
- Oh.
Listen, have you sorted out
anything out yet?
Yeah, well, everything's all right my end.
Can you get your people over to the Yard
- tomorrow afternoon?
- The where?
- The Yard.
- Oh, Nosy, no, no, no.
My clients feel that it
might be much better
to meet on what you might call
more neutral ground.
Somewhere that won't cause
So much attraction.
Er, what about, er...
Let me have a think.
Hang on, I'm thinking.
You got a tap running there or something?
Seven boards a bob!
Three boards a tenner!
- Knock the copper's hat off, sir.
- Do you mind?
I am sorry about that, sir.
It's all right, Parker. It's all right.
I've ridden one of these things before.
Oh, yes, sir. The cavalry, wasn't it, sir?
The Blues or was it the Hussars, sir?
Metropolitan Police, if you must know.
Oh, yes, of course. I forgot we had horses.
- I must say, you sit very well, sir.
- Thank you.
It's rather fun, isn't it?
The children would love it.
- Which one's Pearly Gates?
- He's over there, sir.
Go on, man. We're not here
to enjoy ourselves. Go and talk to him.
- Go and what, sir?
- Get off, man.
- Go and sit next to him. Go on, get off.
- But this things moving, sir.
- Dismount, damn you.
- Yes, sir.
- Pow!
- Aagh! Ooh!
- Hello, Nosy. Did you get thrown, did you?
- I suppose this is your idea of a joke?
Battersea Fun Fair. Fancy having
a meeting on a thing like this!
I admit the idea of a load of bogeys going
round in circles did appeal to me, yes.
Well, you've had your fun. Let's
get out of it. I don't feel at all well.
A geezer on the other side
in a black hat says you'll pay.
The geezer in the black hat on the
other side happens to be the Assistant...
- Here, here, here...
- He says you'll pay.
Well, that's a bit strong.
He earns more than I do.
- All right then, 14 at a shilling each.
- 14?
- 30.
- 307 I'm not paying for your lot.
Oh, aren't you?
Oh, well. All right, then.
If you want to speak to me...
I shall be on the Big Dipper.
You're joking!
I'm not going on that thing!
All right, 30.
Now, then, I take it you're
the spokesman for your mob?
- Yeah, that's correct, yes.
- Right. Here's what we're prepared to do.
- Oh, there you are, sir.
- Hello, Parker.
I'd almost forgotten about you.
What did they say?
I've never heard such audacity. They've offered
a truce, a guarantee of 24 hours without crime,
if we allow our full force
to look for the IPO mob.
Have they got the power to stop all crime
being committed for 24 hours?
Seeing as they're responsible
for 98% of it, I'd say yes, sir.
I see. Well, we've got nothing to lose.
Tell him yes.
24 hour truce starting
at midnight tomorrow.
Yes, sir. Right, sir. I was hoping
you'd think it was a good idea.
- Gave them quite a shock when I put it to them.
- All right, Parker, go on then, go on.
Go and find Gates. Tell him we agree.
No more crime for 24 hours.
Yes, sir. Right, sir.
It's on! It's...
Stay exactly where you
are. We'll be right down.
It's on, Pearly! It's on!
It's on!
Information Room, Scotland Yard.
Hello, Harry.
No, not a sausage this
end. How's it with you?
Yes, quite a change, isn't it?
Yeah. Ta-ta.
- Quiet, isn't it?
- Yes, sir. Only one call since midnight.
Drunk in the Harrow Road.
Well... everything ready to go, Inspector?
Ready and willing, sir. Perhaps I could
take this opportunity of explaining
my proposed modus operandi.
All right, Parker. Go ahead.
Right, sir. Thank you, sir.
Right, now, the ground to be searched
is in this area here what is covered
by the circle you see before you.
Now, the one snag is, we do not know
what this IPO mob looks like, do we?
- No.
- No.
But we do know
they're using a police car.
And we all know what one of them
looks like, don't we?
Oh, get on with it, Fred! Blimey,
by the time you've finished waffling,
- the armistice will be over.
- Yes, sir. Right, sir. Thank you, sir.
Well, to put it in a nutshell,
as soon as you give the say-so,
we'll have every available
member of the force
scouring this area until we find a
police car that does not belong to us.
And that would leave
us wide open, wouldn't it?
Yes, sir. That is true, yes.
- All right, Parker, go ahead.
- Right, sir. Thank you, sir.
Not to worry, sir. I'll get 'em.
- Goodnight, sir.
- Goodnight.
- Goodnight, sir.
- Goodnight, Parker.
Right. Fags out!
Stand by for action!
- Any luck?
- No.
18 solid hours I've been on duty
looking at cars.
Not a thing.
That Wolseley 690 over there.
Do you know who owns it?
- Yes, three blokes what live in the flats.
- Do you know the flat number?
- No, I can't tell you that, mate.
- Can I use your phone?
There she goes, God bless her.
Will you stop playing about
with that thing? This is serious!
Now, you mean they've actually
done a deal with the law?
Yes, I mean they've actually done
a deal with the law. Pearly told me.
Well, that's a mean,
underhand trick, ain't it?
- And when did this truce start from?
- It started last night.
Last night, huh?
This is serious.
Will you stop messing about?
Hey, that's Buckingham Palace!
They're onto us. There's a copper downstairs
in the garage inspecting all the cars.
- There you are, what did I tell you?
- Let's get out of here.
Wait a minute, calm down.
Val, you'd better beat it.
Right, get your uniforms on. Pack the gear.
Right, come on.
Don't make too much noise.
Are these the flats?
- Yeah, these are the ones, sir.
- Right.
- Inspector Parker, sir?
- That's right.
I was the one that discovered the car, sir.
I trust you'll put it in your report, sir?
- All right, all right, where are they?
- They're living in this block of flats, sir.
- What number?
- I haven't discovered that yet, sir.
- What have you been doing then?
- Looking for the porter, sir.
I haven't come here to arrest a porter,
you fool. I want three men.
- Excuse me, sir.
- Yeah, what is it, Sergeant?
- We've got the flat number, sir.
- Good man. That's why he's a sergeant.
A bit of thought, my old son.
What's the flat number?
307, sir. My men are
guarding the back door.
Caught like rats in a trap. Right,
follow me, men. Quick as you can.
Come on, Johnson. Get those doors closed
quick as you can. Come on, lads.
Come on, lads. That's right.
We've got the stuff.
Which is Inspector Parker's car?
- This one, Sarge.
- Get that lot in the back.
Inspector Parker wants you
immediately in flat 307.
307? Right, Sarge.
306... Here it is, here it is.
Quick, quick!
Right, step on it! Step on it!
It's your wife!
All right, the game's up.
That's the end of your little lark.
- I haven't done anything yet.
- Don't give me that.
We know about you. Every policeman
in London's been looking for you.
I didn't even know it was illegal.
Illegal? I've known people to get 12 years
for less than what you've done!
- Where are the others?
- Others?
Well, we know you're not on your own.
Well, of course I'm not on my own. You
can't do this sort of thing on your own.
Search the flat. Search the flat.
Search the flat.
- Yes, sir.
- Yes, sir, what?
Well, the sergeant
said you wanted me, sir.
- What sergeant?
- The one who took your car, sir?
- The one that took my car?
- They drove away in it, sir.
- They drove away in it?
- With the stuff, sir.
With the stuff?
Come outside a moment, will you?
- How many of them were there?
- Three, sir. A sergeant and two constables.
My Gawd!
Why do they always
have to pick on me, eh?
Why do they always have to pick on me?
Why is it always me? It's always me.
I shan't half get it in the neck
when I get back.
Why do they always have to pick on me?
Of all the stupid, bungling,
incompetent, inefficient...
I presume you're hinting you're
not satisfied with my work, sir?
The whole of the Metropolitan
Police Force at your disposal,
nothing to do but to look for this gang,
and you can't even find your own car.
Hours and hours ago, they pinched it.
Sir, sir, we have the whole of
the London area encircled.
We have men over the whole of the
Home Counties and they are converging.
Holding hands, I take it?
- Excuse me, sir. Inspector Parker?
- Yeah.
- We found your car.
- Oh, good man.
- Where was it? Sussex, Berkshire, Isle of Wight?
- Scotland Yard, sir.
- Not in the Yard?
- Yes, sir, the Commissioner found it.
- It was in the space reserved for his car.
- Oh?
I'd better go and apologise to him.
- Parker.
- Sir?
Before you go, hadn't you better call off
those 20,000 men in the Home Counties?
Yes, sir. Of course, sir. What are
you waiting for? Call off the search!
- Yes, sir.
- I might as well come over the Yard with you.
It'll soon be 12 o'clock
and the end of the truce.
Yes, sir. Another busy day over, sir.
Scotland Yard. Yes?
- Two suspects, yes.
- Scotland Yard. Smash and grab.
Hold on.
Hold on.
Break in, break in.
Origin - Information Room, zero, zero...
How long has this been
going on then, Sergeant?
Ever since that truce ended, sir.
I suppose with half their wages
being syphoned off by the IPO,
the mobs have got to work twice as hard.
We must put this IPO outfit away, Forest,
before the entire criminal and
police structure breaks down.
- Sir, sir, I got it, I got it.
- I trust it's not contagious.
- No, sir, I've got another idea.
- Oh, no.
No, this is a beauty.
I'd stake my future on this one, sir.
At the present moment, Parker,
that's not much of a wager.
No, listen, sir. If the mobs
are going to be twice as busy,
then the IPO mob will
have to be twice as selective.
They'll only pick the plum jobs!
Now, this is my plan.
This is only a suggestion.
- Where's the proprietor?
- He's in the salon.
Thank you.
Excuse... Excuse me.
Excuse me.
Is Monsieur Jules in, please?
He's in there.
Oh, no!
- I'm dreadfully sorry, missus.
- I'm on next!
Please forgive me!
Cinquante-cinq. Cafe Creme.
Surprise, surprise!
As you can see,
ladies and gentlemen,
I, too, have entered the realms of
men's apparel, like the great Hardy Amies.
And I've called this... I've called this,
erm, Cary Grant in Charing Cross Road.
Very apt, eh?
Commissioned by no less a combine
than the 50-shilling tailors.
It cost me 75 quid!
Well, now, thank you very much.
- You're ruining my reputation.
- I'm terribly sorry, Monsieur.
In there. Don't argue with me.
- What do you want to come here for?
- I'm sorry.
I got stuck in a room
with a lot of half-naked women.
- Ah! They found the IPO mob yet?
- No, the law screwed it up.
- They couldn't find them.
- Couldn't a policeman in a haystack.
- Listen, Parker wants another chat.
- Does he?
He says he's got a cast-iron plan
and wants us to fix up the meeting.
- Did he say where?
- No, he said he'd leave it up to us.
I see.
Well, I know just the place.
Just the place.
Good afternoon, this is your captain speaking.
Well, I hope you're enjoying the flight.
We are now directly over Bognor Regis
at a height of 7,000 feet...
travelling at approximately 250 knots.
I think this is quite a fair show
considering this is my first solo flight.
- Anyway, what do you think?
- About what?
About my plan. The police are prepared
to set this robbery up for you.
You'll get the full cooperation of the
force to ensure you get away with it.
Do you honestly mean you're going to help us
knock half a million off out the back of a van?
Well, returnable, of course.
Oh, of course, yeah. So what do we stand
to get out of it? Not even a percentage?
- Well, we catch the IPO mob, don't we?
- Well, I suppose we do.
Course we will. They'll hear about it, step in
thinking they've got it made, then I'll pounce.
You'll what?
I'll pounce.
I see, yeah.
How would you like
a nice little loop-the-loop?
Will you stop playing about?
Do you agree or don't you?
Yeah, I think it might work, yeah.
Right, I'll tell the Assistant Commissioner
you're in full agreement.
Oh, I do beg your pardon, sir.
I didn't realise you were heavily engaged.
- Yes, it's all right, Parker.
- It was an accident, sir.
It was the plane, sir.
I was temporarily thrown off balance.
Parker, control yourself,
for heaven's sake, and sit down!
- Yes, sir.
- No, not there.
- Behind me, preferably.
- Right, sir.
There you are, gentlemen, no hands.
- Pearly, for goodness sake, who's driving?
- George.
- I didn't see him get on.
- The automatic pilot, you fool!
- Oh, yes, of course, sir.
- Sit here, will you, Mr Gates?
Well, now, what do you think, Mr Gates?
Well, I think it might work.
But the job would have to be done properly.
Got to look genuine. Real van, real money.
If it's fake money, they won't turn up
- and we'll be wasting our time again.
- Yes, you're right, it must be genuine.
- All right, Mr Gates, you leave it to us.
- One other thing.
You can't expect me to do a job like this with
my two best men in the nick. I want an amnesty.
- Very well. They'll have to be released.
- Released? I've only just captured them!
- They're dangerous criminals.
- Mind you, that's got to look right too.
You can't just let them go.
It's much too obvious.
I think they ought to sue him
for wrongful arrest.
One other point, Mr Gates.
No offence, of course.
But I'm not having all that money running
around London outside police control.
Quite right, sir, quite right.
Good point, good point.
Yes, Parker. And I'm making it
your personal responsibility
to see that the money's returned intact
at the end of the operation.
I'm assigning Parker to you as from now.
I haven't got to join them, have I?
Become a criminal?
That's exactly what
you've got to do, Parker.
You'll be our man on the tightrope.
Come in.
Good evening, sir. I'm from the Inland
Revenue. I'd like to see your books.
Nosy, stop playing
about, boy. I've got a load of work to do.
- You recognised me!
- Wasn't I supposed to then?
Well, I have disguised myself.
I think it's important for the success
of the operation that I'm not recognised.
I was rather pleased with it.
I've been to the make-up room
at Scotland Yard.
Do you know I walked right through
the building and out the other side
without one single constable saluting me?
- As usual.
- Eh!
This is how I looked
20 years ago, you know.
Yeah, very nice. Very sexy, Nosy.
As long as the wind don't
get under there you'll be all right.
- You don't like it, do you?
- Well, I'm not very strong on it.
- No, I didn't think you would.
- No, no.
Right, now, here's the plan I mapped out.
- Yeah. Right.
- Right.
Now, the security van should arrive
at this corner here.
We ram it with our van at 15:00 hours,
round about the same place.
We make our getaway in another car,
which will be waiting over the bridge
and we drive off in this direction.
The IPO mob will try and hijack it
near the level crossing.
Whereupon, your heavy mob,
what's been waiting there disguised
as workmen, will descend on them
- and duff 'em up, right?
- Right.
So then, the first problem.
How to cut our way into the van through one
and a half inches of case-hardened steel.
Here, here, what's this about cutting?
I can't allow you to
damage an official van.
- Well, what are we supposed to do then?
- We'll give you the keys.
Give us the keys? Brilliant!
First class. First class.
- Knackered in the first two minutes.
- Why?
The IPO, boy, would spot
a phoney move like that a mile off.
They know everything we do.
It's got to look genuine.
We've got to ram the van and cut
our way into it. Is that understood?
- All right.
- Right?
- Yeah. What do we do then?
- We snatch the loot and away we go.
Now, there's only one man in the business
who could handle a job like this
and that is Siggy Schmoltz.
Siggy Schmoltz?
From Hamburg? A Boche?
Can't we give this job to a British lad?
Oh, for God's sake,
don't start flag-waving.
I'm thinking about the expense. There's his
fare here and back, his fee for the job.
That's going to contravene
the currency regulations for a start.
- Is this how you carry on down at Scotland Yard?
- What do you mean?
All this poncing about.
Do you have to put in for a gallon of
petrol every time you want to chase someone?
Phoar! This is big money, boy. Big time.
Think big, act big, get the best.
The best is Siggy Schmoltz,
so we fly him over from Hamburg.
- Understood?
- Understood.
Here you are. 200 nicker.
Here, don't you try and bribe me.
What are you talking about, bribe you?
That's your expenses, boy.
You're working for me now, you know.
The Assistant Commissioner said so.
He sent me your insurance cards.
You're on my payroll now.
Oh, well, in that case.
I say!
A month's wages all in one go.
Yeah. Well, you want to use it, boy.
Use it to set yourself up somewhere
in some nice little drum.
Get yourself kitted out
with some decent clobber.
Not too flash.
I like my boys to look smart.
You know, single weight worsted,
two buttoned, no turn-ups.
I know how to dress, dear boy. I'm not attached
to the plain clothed division for nothing.
Now look, we've got to make sure
the IPO mob gets to hear about this.
Spread it around.
Tell everyone that you usually tell.
Except the bit about the trap, of course.
Don't you worry. This time, I'll get "em.
You mean, we'll get 'em.
Yeah, well, that's what I mean.
We'll get 'em.
Now, listen to this. There's
half a million pounds involved and...
Half a million quid!
And Siggy Schmoltz arrives
at London Airport tomorrow.
- Stone the flamin' crows!
- Half a million quid!
This is it, Coombesy.
Ozzie, here I come. Those sheilas in Sydney
better look out when I get back.
- We're going to need you on this job, Val.
- Me? Why?
When this happens, they're gonna be looking
for three men in a police car.
Not a girl in a sports car.
You'll be parked near the spot.
We'll pass it on to you and we'll meet
somewhere afterwards, ready to skip the country.
I'll be using the Aston Martin.
Yeah, with Ted and Brassknuckles.
- The Kraut's here, Pearly.
- Send him in.
Well, as long as they're there on time.
It's you, is it? Well, don't hang about
outside. Come in, make yourselves at home.
You'll be Siggy Schmoltz, I presume?
- Jawohl.
- Oh.
- Siggy, this is, erm...
- Big Time Fred Parker.
- So happy to meet you.
- Yes. Well, after you.
- You're overdoing it a bit, aren't you?
- You told me to make myself comfortable.
Comfortable? This is decadence, boy.
Right, well, let me get you
a little light refreshment.
I must apologise for the year, it's the best
I could get. Help yourself to the cigars.
Well, now, how many jobs have you been
responsible for, Mr Schmoltz?
- I...
- We don't want to talk about that now, Big Time.
We've got a lot of work to do.
- Why don't you stop sniffing about?
- Eh?
Now then, here's to crime, Big Time.
- To crime.
- To crime.
- To crime.
- Right.
Supposing you give Siggy a rundown
on the operation, Big Time?
Yes, yes, it'll be a pleasure. I've got a model
over here if you'd care to have a look, Siggy.
- Ja, this I must see.
- Right, now, as a Boche...
Erm, as a German, you'll be able to appreciate
the organisation that has gone into this.
Right, now, here's your van
with your equipment in it.
And here's the Waterloo Road.
Here's the bullion van.
Now the idea is, to arrest the progress
of the bullion van approximately here.
Now at the outset,
the bullion van's coming up here.
We're up the Waterloo Road, waiting.
Nothing has been overlooked.
Every detail has been taken care of.
- Nothing can go wrong.
- Ja, ja.
Give you a good van, they said.
Been running on the inner tube
for the last 5,000 miles.
- Come on, come on.
- I'm not used to manual work.
Why don't you stop moaning and belt up?
Didn't they teach you how to
change a wheel down at Hendon?
There's no need to insult my old school,
you phoney French frock-maker!
- Now, watch it!
- Watch what?
- Just watch it! I'm finding it difficult enough!
- What are you talking to me about?
- Anything?
- No, not a thing.
Who tied that lot on?
Come on, get it up!
Come on, get that stuff over the back,
all of you! Come on!
Come on, come on, get it up!
Ah, it's a lovely view, isn't it, lads?
Be able to see it all from up here.
Be able to see a lot of nasty men
dressed up as rozzers getting duffed up.
You'd like that, wouldn't you?
Should be starting any minute now.
Who the hell's got my watch?
It's you, you thieving little nit!
Give me the glasses.
- Is this it?
- Yes, sir, that's it.
Even the IPO gang
won't get through this level crossing.
Is all this absolutely necessary?
I mean, all this dressing up business?
Oh, yes, sir. This will ensure
the success of the operation.
Will it?
- Afternoon, sir.
- Where's your hat?
- Right, off you go.
- All in position, sir.
- Right, keep everybody on their toes.
- Right, sir.
Threepenny cornet, please.
- Would you please go away?
- Be careful, sir.
I don't know, I'm sure.
There. There you are, then.
What are all these
coppers doing round here?
Do you mind just going back to school?
Go along, will you, please? Be off!
Oh, really. So much for
Parker's security arrangements.
Now, I trust nothing is going wrong?
You've arranged for a straight run
for them, haven't you?
There's no chance of any
stray squad cars getting in the way?
No fear about that, sir. We're sending out
fake emergency messages from the Yard
to get all the cars out of the area.
General call from MP.
All cars in B, C, F, T, V, W divisions
proceed immediately to Kempton Park
to investigate riot on course.
Hello, MP from Charlie 3-4.
Hello, MP from Charlie 3-4.
Boys, they're coming!
They're early, aren't they? They won't be
ready for us at the level crossing!
Don't argue, they're coming.
Hang on.
- What's up now?
- Here.
- Put this on.
- What?
You're a bit out of date, aren't you?
Where's your little striped jersey?
Take it off!
Right, steady as we go.
Left a bit, left a bit.
The switch, Big Time, the switch!
Oi, you! What the hell
do you think you're playing at?
Call yourself a flippin' driver?
Ain't you read the Highway Code?
You're supposed to keep death off the road.
I don't see how you people get licences,
I don't straight!
Here, you're a bit early, aren't you?
A stick-up! Help! Help!
Yeah, very good. Very, very good.
Well done, mate.
Here, tell you what,
shove your hands up in the air.
Look a bit more realistic. Lovely, yeah.
Aagh! What is this?
There seems to have been a little mistake.
We appear to have opened the wrong van.
- What do you mean, opened the wrong van?
- Do me a favour, run along, will you?
- There's a good lad.
- What do you mean?
- Run along, will you?
- What about my lovely little... My stock!
- What do you mean, you've opened the wrong van?
- They are similar. Anyone can make a mistake.
- What are you going do about my...
- Move along now!
And zis is worth half a million pounds?
I'll take down a few of your particulars.
Now, are you going to get in that van?
Here, what are you people?
A bunch of communists or something?
- Now?
- No, scrub it. Wrong van.
You people must be stark raving mad!
- I'll get the law onto you, that's what I'll do!
- Oh, yes?
I think they clobbered the wrong van.
Women drivers!
Hello, MP from Charlie 3-4.
It's no good, Sarge.
It's as dead as a doornail.
Better get back to the station, see if there's
anything for us. Hello? What's up with him?
- You know better...
- What a bit of luck! Get down the road quick!
- Now, look, take it easy...
- Three geezers jumped my van.
Burnt a big hole in the door
and ruined all my dresses.
- All right then, where did this happen?
- Up the road, down by the bridge.
- Come on, Harry.
- Here, what about my dresses?
- You follow us up, will you?
- Follow you up?
What about my dresses? Oi, you!
Look, please, let us get out of this, nein?
You be good boys and let Siggy
go home to his fatherland.
Listen, Siggy, you've been
paid your Deutschmarks
to open the security van
and you're gonna do it.
Now, then, what's the German for belt up?
It's a trap.
The place is swarming with police.
- What are you talking about? Get inside.
- I've just seen them at the level crossing.
Right, here he comes!
What's the matter now?
The clutch has gone.
I hope it isn't important.
This is one of our best decoy vans.
Best decoy vans? Do me a favour,
the thing's falling apart.
I trust they won't think it's my fault.
Come on, don't argue, get out and push!
Come on. Right.
Not me! The van.
Hello, what's he doing?
Get him off me. Here, don't
push the door, Siggy, push the van.
Now, all together.
- That's it!
- Ooh! Cor!
Can't see them anywhere.
You sure this is where they're
supposed to clock us one?
Well, it's round here somewhere.
Steady now. Steady now, not too fast.
Not too fast. Left a
whisker, left a whisker.
- It's all right for some.
- Here!
Right, come on, come on.
Come on, come on. Come...
- It's them!
- Here, hang on a minute!
Oh, there you are.
Come on then.
Come on then, steady as you go.
Steady as you go, you've got bags of room.
Bags of room, bags of room. Right!
You've got another foot.
No need to overdo it.
Don't stand there like a spare dick
at a wedding. Go and get your drill. Go on!
- What's the matter? Having trouble?
- No, I'm surrounded by twits that's all.
The switch, Big Time, the switch.
Schweinhund, you pulled my wire!
Put it back!
Put it back!
Oh, right.
In the red!
Pity you weren't standing in a
bowl of water when you did that.
He didn't say what fits what hole.
You'll get this in your hole
if you don't get your finger out.
You stinking Schweinhund!
What have you done?
You've ruined my plans!
- Hello, boy, got the money?
- Yep.
- Now?
- Now. Start packing the loot.
Now, then, you two. Right.
It is no good, we shall
never get the drill working!
All yours, Big Time.
- Is that the lot?
- You English idiot.
Yep. Sign here.
- Thank you.
- All right, get in.
OK, guv.
- What are you slowing down for?
- Hump-backed bridge.
It's a bullion van. Get onto that car.
It's the IPO mob. Let's get out of it.
Schnell, schnell! Here comes the police!
Yeah, bang on time, too.
Get your foot down,
they've got a fast car there!
Here, they're working that bell to death,
aren't they?
You don't think they're gonna try and clobber
us before we reach the level crossing, do you?
Come on, get a move on.
- Surely they should have been here by now?
- They are a bit overdue. I only hope there's...
No, listen, listen. That must be them.
Stand by, everybody.
Standby. Standby.
- Well done, Inspector Parker, well done!
- Thank you, sir.
- You're an inspector?
- That's right.
What are you doing,
obstructing a police officer?
- I know about you are!
- I'm Sergeant Jones, C Division!
- Inspector! He tells me now.
- Shouldn't you go and join your boys, Inspector?
- Be in at the kill?
- Yeah, yeah, you're probably right.
Oi, Sid, Trainer!
On the other hand...
I think I'll keep an eye on the money.
- Why don't you...
- Yeah?
- Here, where are we going?
- He's scarpered with it.
That dirty, stinking crook! He didn't
tell me he was going to do that.
Come on, lads! If he's having some, we're
having some. Come on, down the ladder!
All right, all right, if you're Sergeant Jones
from C Division, who's your Superintendent?
- Superintendent Johnson, sir.
- Where's your warrant card?
Wait a minute, sir,
I think it is Sergeant Jones.
I seem to remember working
with him years ago.
Yeah, that's right. I remember you.
Parker. Parker!
Now, come on, get back into the van,
for heaven's sake!
Sir. Excuse me, sir.
Sir, if you'll please.
- Sir, if you don't mind.
- What is it now?
It seems that somebody blundered, sir.
Here, have you gone raving mad?
Turn this car round and take me back.
Sorry, Nosy, can't stop now.
Got a plane to catch.
Eh? So that's your little game, is it?
Well, you're not getting away
with that, my lad.
Now, what are you going to do?
Take me with you?
I just don't know what
Parker and Gates are up to.
We must get them before the IPO mob do,
otherwise we'll get nothing. Everybody in.
Grow up, Nosy, will you?
How much have you got in that bag?
Hang on a minute. Hey, you!
Open the gates as quick as you can.
I can't. They've pinched my wheel.
Sergeant! Sergeant,
back up as quick as you can!
Half a million quid. Just think
of what you can do with a third of that.
Half of it.
Here, are you attempting to bribe
an officer of the law?
250,000 quid tax-free, boy.
Do you know what
that would mean to you, Nosy?
Get thee behind me, Satan.
You'd be away from it all, boy.
Your missus, her sister.
Her mother.
Right, step on it.
The Super's just behind us.
- Can't you go any faster?
- I'm flat out now, mate.
- Come on, Sid, get moving!
- What do you think I am? A ton-up boy?
We're not on the North Circular!
Put your foot down. We're losing him.
Listen, I'm skinning this cat.
You're only holding the tail.
Doesn't Lord Whatshisname...
- He lives around here.
- Oh, shut up?
Marvellous. Now we've lost him.
I've lost him!
I know where he's going.
Follow me, there's a shortcut.
Hurry, we'll get there before him.
We lost them a long way back, you know.
You'd better slow down before
we get done for speeding.
- Is that Mr Gates' aircraft?
- That's right. It's just ready for take-off.
He's a dangerous criminal.
We're expecting trouble.
Tell everybody to get out of the way.
Right, Bluey, this way.
Ready? Go!
- All right, this is it, let's have it!
- Hello, Sergeant.
- We was just bringing the money back.
- It's him!
Right, you're under
arrest. I warn you that...
- Give us the bag!
- ...will be taken and may be used in evidence.
- Where's the key?
- I swallowed it.
- Chop his hand off!
- I beg your pardon.
Come on, you mad copper, get out!
You're breaking my arm! Argh!
- We won't leave your lot out of it.
- It's mine!
It's mine!
Give us it here!
Oh, get out of it!
I'll have you, mate!
Come on, Parker, for heaven's sake! What do you
think you're playing at? Get up off the grass!
Good boy, Kevin! Come on, Kevin!
Come on, Nosy, mate.
We'll make it, come on!
- Watch it!
- Come on, Nosy.
Nosy, the plane! Bite him!
- The one with the bald head, he's got the money.
- OK.
And give me my watch,
you thieving little nit.
In you get.
- Come on, lads!
- Get him! Oof!
Hold up there, hold up!
Oi, you! Come back here!
Oi, what about my dresses?
You fascist communists!
You ruined all my stock, remember?
Oi! You won't get away with this!
I've got your number!
You may unfasten your
safety belts now, gentlemen.
Who are you, madam? What are you
doing on board? This is a private aircraft.
- I must ask you to leave immediately.
- Valerie, what are you doing here?
Here, do you two know each other?
Yes, we know each other. We were
very good friends, weren't we, Pearly?
Yes, we were.
We were very good friends, yeah.
Val, I was going to write to you
- as soon as I found out where we were going.
- Yes, well, that won't be necessary now.
Oh, isn't this cosy?
Just the three of us and 500,000.
Well, not a bad tally, sir.
We got, er...
Nervous O'Toole and his mob for
dangerous driving and breach of the peace.
We got Banker McGuinness
and his mob on the same charges.
And the IPO mob in corpus delicti,
as you might say.
- And we got rid of Parker.
- Yes.
That's one of the things
I don't understand, sir.
25 years in the force
and he does a bunk like that.
Well, I don't think he'll dare
show his face in this country again.
At least we can rely on that.
Yes. You know, I...
- You know, I wonder what...
- Oh, I beg your pardon, sir.
- You wanted to say something?
- No, no, no. No, no.
No, I was just going to say, I...
I'd love to see their faces
when they open these parcels.
"The Comedy Bank of England...
promises to pay the bearer on demand...
500 laughs."
Oh, dear. I wonder where they are now.
I wonder.
Et maintenant,
mesdames et messieurs, mademoiselles,
It is piece de rsistance time
at Maison Jules.
Valerie. And she is wearing my latest creation
which I have entitled Dream Of Gauguin.
You will notice that the hemline
is somewhat longer.
This is due to the missionary influence.
The ensemble is moderately priced at three
bowls of raw fish or a dozen coconuts.
How many offers do I hear?
I don't know if my cutter will be able
to handle this extraordinary order.
Oi, get a move on.
Half a dozen sacrificial skirts
and three Dream Of Gauguins.
Slave driver!
- Slave driver?
- Yeah.
Listen, mate, if you want a day off for the
fertility rites, you'll have to get weaving.