Theo Von: I'm Doing Fine (2026) Movie Script
Ladies and gentlemen, Theo Von!
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
What's up?
Lexington!
Praise God, baby.
Good to see you guys tonight.
How are we doing tonight?
Let's go!
Thank you guys for coming out.
A lot of white people, baby.
We're still here. That's our motto.
They are phasing us out.
So thank you for coming
to this very special white meeting, uh
I'm just joking, bro. I'm joking, dude.
Do not cheer, bro.
I'm joking, man. I'm not racist, bro.
Unless you are, you know?
You first.
Never do racism first, dude.
That's racist.
Now, if somebody says something racist
and you're like,
"Yeah, I kinda see
what you're talking about."
That's supporting a friend, dude.
Most of y'all never seen me walk before.
This is it.
It ain't much, but it's all we got.
I beat Down syndrome,
but it was close, brother.
It was a booth review.
The ruling on the field
is being challenged.
Yeah, that's how God made me, dude.
Like, if you were in a deer stand,
you'd-- you'd take at least
a warning shot at it, you know?
That's how God made me, dude.
I'm built like a Black girl
with Down syndrome
from about here to here, brother.
And no offense if you're a Black girl
with Down syndrome.
Actually, if you're a Black girl
with Down syndrome
and you're here tonight,
fucking turn up, Larkisha, okay?
Way to get out the house and live yo life,
baby girl.
Don't let them keep you
locked in the house
watching Barbershop 9 again.
Get out and get you some Chick-fil-A
and enjoy the economy, baby.
Yeah, that's how God made me, dude.
A lot of aftermarket shit on this deal.
You know, I used to go to school
when I was a child, and, uh
All right, Kentucky. Uh
One of the few states
I wasn't homeschooled in.
But I used to go to school
when I was a child,
and the government,
they send a bus to get you in the morning.
You know, the government, they send a bus.
And I never liked the government
because they don't do shit, you know?
We used to think
one side wasn't doing shit
and this side would do the shit,
but now we realize nobody's doing shit.
They ain't doing shit.
Now, if you're a pedophile,
they'll help you out a little.
If you's a-touchin' the childrens,
they'll help you out.
And by help you out,
I mean send all our money to Israel, dude.
But that-- So I never liked
the government, man.
So in the morning,
they'd send that school bus, you know?
And with how I felt about the government,
I'd go stand out there like that.
And that bus would just
Right on by.
And I'd have to walk to school, you know?
And in our neighborhood, uh
Well, I don't know
if it was a neighborhood.
Was it a neighborhood? It was, uh
It was a lot of people recovering
from addiction that had been fucking.
Whatever that's called.
Crazy, we don't have a word for it,
seeing that it's most of our nation.
But in our opioid Whoville, uh
after that regular bus had gone by,
they'd unleash a couple of them
smaller wagons, baby.
You feel me?
Couple of them little
Care Bear hunters, you know?
And they'd pass through the area just
picking up any loose change, you feel me?
And I'd be walking to school
with my body style
that God and his son gave me.
And one of them little buses
would just pull right up on me, just
went out the cage.
We got one out the cage.
And sometimes it would have a siren on it.
I'm like, dude,
does it need a siren on it?
And the operator of the vehicle,
this lady, Miss Dorothy was her name.
And she was a really--
She was just a real, you know,
she was just lipstick
and ex-husbands, this bitch.
She was, you know, like
And she'd pull up,
and she'd open that door, you know?
Remember that door, you know?
'Cause it's the government.
They even got armed bureaucracy.
It's like, you can't even
You know, she she'd
By the time it was open,
she'd come, I think.
I don't know.
You know, I don't know what her home life
was like or whatever, but
'Cause sometimes
she would just open and close it
and then just sit in there
and do a cigarette.
But she would open that door.
And she would offer me a dog treat
if I got on that bus, dude.
Yeah.
A real dog treat.
For dogs!
And I'd look in the rear windows.
They'd have a bunch of mentals
in the windows, bro.
Bunch of the Lord's oysters in that bitch.
Bunch of handicapped.
They had wiggers in there.
They had severe Italians.
They had everything
that was disabled in that bitch.
Just pressed up against the glass.
Just milk boning down, just
Dashing through the snow 8
I was like, "Am I hungry enough
to be retarded, guys?"
Question as old as time.
And no offense
if anybody's retarded either, dude.
It ain't about you, all right?
"Ricky," or whatever your name is.
We quit naming
mentally handicapped people "Ricky."
And getting them a whistle
to express how they feel.
"How you doing, Ricky?"
"Oh shit, Ricky wants oatmeal."
Black people have the best
mentally handicapped people, bro.
Black people have--
Because they dress them bitches up
like Christmas trees, bro.
They hang ornaments on them bitches, man.
They be keeping their heroes fresh.
Because in Black culture,
they believe if you dress fresh enough,
you can exceed whatever conviction's
been put on you on this earth.
So-- so you'll see
a mentally challenged brother,
he'll have on some lemon-lime J's.
Some pants with bubbles going up the leg.
And a hat on, say "Sprite" on it.
And they be like,
"Oh shit, Ricky gonna be mayor!"
"Blow that bitch, Ricky!"
"Ricky wants barbecue!"
How we doing, guys?
Good to see you tonight.
It's a beautiful place, man.
What's going on, dude?
Not much. Got my Yeezys on today.
Yeah, couple Kanye fans.
Couple Nazis. That's
Tomato, tomahto, bro, you know?
I like them, bro.
Kanye said some wild shit over the years,
but if he'd have kept these on,
he-he-he would never
have said some of that.
I think they're too comfortable, man.
They're doing that themselves, bro.
These bitches, they're really comfortable.
I'm surprised I made it to work tonight
in these bitches.
I call jobs I don't even have,
tell them I can't make it, man.
"I ain't gonna be there."
"Who's this?" "Who gives a fuck?"
"You understaffed, twin."
I like these, man.
And the Jews tried to shut Kanye down,
remember that shit?
I'm like, holy shit, baby.
Jews versus Blacks.
I've been waiting for this shit.
I thought I was a little racist.
Fricking hold my beer, Israel.
And my Jewish buddy got mad at me, man,
for having them.
He's like,
"Dude, turn those into the police."
I'm like,
"I just got them."
He's like,
"Bro, those are anti-Semitical."
They're 10 and a halfs.
I don't know what they did
before I had them, but
I'm gonna give them
a second chance, you know?
My buddy's like,
"No, dude, those are anti-Jew shoes."
I'm like, "Whoa, bro."
I've never been anti-Jews, okay?
I've been like, "Oh shit, Jews?"
But I've never been anti-Jews.
And if you've never been, "Oh shit, Jews,"
that's because you don't know
enough good Jews.
Even my Jewish buddies now are like,
"Oh shit, Jews?"
I'm like, "I've been-been mentioning it."
We didn't even have any Jews
growing up, dude.
I don't think. Somebody could have--
I guess somebody could have had one.
Again, we didn't have any
We didn't have it, yeah.
I know we didn't have one.
We were in a two-bedroom and I just
I would have noticed somebody in there
just kind of uncomfortably
counting everything, uh
Yeah, we didn't have that shit, man.
We didn't have it, man.
And I got a lot of respect
for Jewish culture, man.
I do. I really-- I seriously do, man.
They figure shit out, bro.
Jews figure shit out.
You put a Jew at rock bottom,
they start selling gravel.
They figure shit out.
Look at the history books.
They've been down 0-3 in every series,
and they came back and won that bitch.
And if they didn't, they bought
the history books and rewrote them
to say they came back and won that bitch.
So sometimes you hear people
say stuff like, "Well, Jews are shady."
"Jews are shady!"
But then I'm thinking
that they're from the desert,
so shade was probably the first business.
A couple of Hebrews sat under a branch,
they're like,
"This is a fucking LLC, brother."
"Jerry Branchberg."
"Nice to meet you."
Yeah, we didn't have any Jews,
I don't think.
I gotta ask my mom.
Yeah, my mom drew pictures of everybody
that lived in our neighborhood.
With markers, dude,
and she wasn't an artist, so
She was on pills!
It's kind of crazy
when you get home from school
and Mom's got her own artwork
to show you, you know.
"Look what I drew you."
We had some characters
in our area growing up, though.
I know that.
They just busted a dude in my hometown
with a 30-pound bag
of hamster bones on him.
Oh yeah, they got him.
How many hamsters do you think that is,
big dog, right here?
-A hundred.
-If you had to guess-- One hundred, bro?
Bro, what are you talking about? What?
What are you talking about? What?
A hundred hamsters?
You-You-You know what a hamster is, Bubba?
One of the Lord's McNuggets, bro?
You think a hundred hamsters
have 30 pounds of bone in them?
You got Galpagos hamsters?
You got them rideable hamsters, yeah!
"Come on, Nibbles!"
"We late for the derby."
No, bro. It's about 2,000 hamsters, bro.
Dang, boy.
But good guess. Pretty good guess overall.
And for this area, great guess, buddy.
I'll say that.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You started it.
Yeah, they busted a dude,
30 pounds of HBs in a pillowcase,
back of a Toyota Tercel.
And they got him.
And one of my buddies was like,
"What'd they charge him with?"
You ever meet that dude
in your neighborhood, just fucking
Just all arms, no information, just
"What'd they charge him with?"
With working for Satan, okay?
With freelancing for Voldemort.
The fella had 30 pound of hamster bone
in a pillowcase.
The ivory of Arkansas.
And they got him, praise God.
I miss being at home.
I'm from a beautiful area
called St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana.
It's a nice, safe place.
And I feel lucky to have lived there.
And my heart's always over there, uh
Yeah, we had some characters
growing up, man.
This one fella I grew up with named Alan,
was his name.
Alan.
And they called him Alan.
And they were right.
And he was tiny, baby, he was tiny.
He was so tiny.
Think of something tiny,
and that could be Alan.
You could see him real easy, man.
Take you half a second to see him,
just boom, yup, yeah, he's home.
Mm-hmm. Got the whole tour, yes, sir.
He was so tiny.
You almost think God didn't even like him
just 'cause he didn't make
that much of him, you know?
He was so tiny.
That's the sound
the Black folks made when they saw him.
He was so tiny.
I mean, he probably
had half a cup of blood in him.
Couple organized mosquitoes
would fucking kill him!
He was so tiny.
He could barely hold
a golf ball above his head
with both of his hands.
Yeah, and he used to use two hands
to eat a butterscotch.
Yeah.
Somebody at the soccer game
break him off a B-scotch,
he'd run over there, just hiding behind
a wheel well of a F-250 over there, just
And we used to blow
cigarette smoke on him while he ate it.
Just to challenge
his lungs a little, you know?
'Cause it's harder to lick through smoke.
Like, "Finish that bitch, Alan."
"Finish that bitch!"
And when-when he finally finished it,
you were so excited.
I mean, you just you just wanted
to cum out of your damn eyes.
But God won't let you.
And he was so tiny.
I mean, he probably had
maybe 16, maybe 13, 14, 7,
11 teen bones in his body.
The foot bone's connected to the neck
People would just pour
whole milk on him, just
"He needs it!"
"He needs"
People-- We used to--
We used to rub Gatorade on his legs
before the school dance.
You gonna be fine, baby bear.
It's just a doggie.
And Alan's daddy
worked over there at the hospital.
His daddy worked over there
at the hospital, at the gift shop.
He was assistant GM over there,
and they had a lot
of stuffed animals over there.
And sometimes, his daddy would steal
the clothing off them stuffed animals
and bring them home for Alan, bro.
You'd You'd see him at school,
his shirt would say,
"Get well soon" on it.
Say, "Congrats, it's a girl."
Like, "That's a progressive shirt, Alan."
Every other one of his shirts
had a balloon taped to the shoulder.
Like, "Where are you going, Alan?"
"Alan!"
I miss him, man. I miss him.
He isn't dead, but
He is real small.
And that's pretty much
the same thing, you know?
Yeah, I gotta get a job.
And I worked in dairy for a little bit.
I was in Big Dairy, yeah. Any dairy guys?
Every-- every woman's in it a little. Uh
Yeah, I worked at
Well, I-I-I worked
at Cold Stone Creamers for, uh,
almost 11 months.
Yeah, thanks. Seven months.
I'm gonna be honest with you. Um
But thank you,
yeah, I was stationed at, um
location 1171, baby, you feel me?
Mighty 71st, baby.
And we hired a lot of autism over there,
I'll tell you that.
Hell yeah, God's rocky road, baby.
Mint chocolate genetics, brother.
Everybody in our place had autism.
We-We-We were
the Underground Railroad for autism.
Bro, you open up a freezer in there,
and Harriet Tubism
would jump out that bitch.
Everybody in that bitch had been licked
by the Lord, homey.
Oh, we was damp, baby. We was damp.
And if you know anything about autism, um,
or if you believe in it.
I'm not trying to sway
anybody's vote here tonight.
I'm nonpartisan when it comes to it,
but if you believe in autism,
you know they love rasslin', right?
That's a common--
Yeah, everybody agrees on that, right?
They love rasslin'. That's their caviar.
And we had one fella, bless him, bro,
one fella I worked with named Barnabas.
He had about 60 to 50% autism.
60 to 50 60 to 56
60 to 50% autism.
That was his baseline.
And if it was raining outside or somebody
was chewing on ice near him,
he'd fucking redline a little, you know?
You'd have to throw some baby powder
on him, snow globe him a little.
And And he loved rasslin'.
And he thought the place
was called Stone Cold
Stone Creamers.
And we
And we used to call him Cake Batter 316.
That was our nickname for him.
And we shouldn't have done it, bro.
But God let us do it.
And one of my favorite things
that Barney would do, bro,
when people were ordering, he'd be like,
"Do you want it in a cup?!"
"Or do you want it in a cone?!"
Then he would
tie his shirtsleeves together
and go lay in the freezer, dude.
Yeah, and I'd be back in there
just doing whippits.
That autism in a can, baby.
That's all whipped cream is, bro,
damn milk with autism.
Test it, RFK.
Test that shit, Daddy.
Yeah, we had some characters.
You ever want to kill yourself? Uh
Okay, hold on, okay.
A lot of heroes in here. Uh
But you just take a nap instead, bro?
You're like, "Oh shit, Euphoria's on?" Oh!
I ain't killing myself
with a new Euphoria on.
"Oh shit, Is It Cake? is on?"
Dude, there's a show called Is It Cake?
Who gives a fuck if it's cake?
Your kid is shooting up two walls over,
and you're like,
"Pause it, honey, that's fondant."
"Bitch, pause it.
That's angel food, bitch!"
I-I-I can't believe
people are killing themselves, man.
We gotta stop
and think about what's going on.
People are killing themselves, man.
When I was like in teenagers or whatever,
uh, young adulthood or whatever,
people wasn't killing themselves, dude.
If you were angry, you might have been
angry or depressed, you just--
You-You would listen to heavy metal
and just walk around town at night,
you know?
But you wasn't taking your own life, man.
They're poisoning us, man.
Something's happening,
you know, and I don't know.
Actually, you know, I will say
that we had one fella try to kill himself.
Uh, so, my bad, but, uh, okay.
This one fella, Big Raymond,
that was his name.
And they misnamed him.
He wasn't big.
He wasn't.
And he was always introducing himself.
"I'm Big Raymond."
And people would look at him,
and it didn't fit.
He didn't fit his name.
He could see the disconnect in their eyes,
and he built up a lot of shame.
And he tried to take his own life, yeah.
And he jumped off the tallest building
in our town.
And it was, um
It was JCPenney's.
It was 1.5 stories, and he, uh
Bro, he-- This is crazy, bro.
He jumped off that bitch,
and he just landed, bro.
And they made him go back to work, bro.
What the fuck?!
At least give him--
Give him a 20-minute break, huh?
Let him get a root beer or something.
That man said,
"Clock out if he gonna do that shit."
Look, he's trying to clock out.
He's trying to clock all the way out.
He's clocking out on the last clock.
He's clocking out with God.
You can't even kill yourself anymore, man.
Nobody cares, bro.
You call a suicide hotline,
they're just like, "Do what you do, fam."
"If you don't kill yourself,
we'll give you
a 20% off coupon to Domino's."
"Press one for death, two for Domino's!"
It's just different out there now, man.
It's just different out there, man.
You know, a lot of wild stuff happening
type shit, man.
Uh
Oh, where do you think
the next 9/11 should happen, right?
It's time to talk about it.
We can all feel a 9/11 coming on.
I mean
Yeah, there's--
The "bitches" want it, you know.
Uh
We can all feel a 9/11.
"I feel something tickling my throat."
I'm like, "Bitch, that's a 9/11."
That's a 9/11, dude.
My buddy's like,
"I'm having like a L5-S1."
I'm like, "That's a 9"
"It starts in all of our backs,
but it's just a 9/11."
You got to think, where should it be?
Last time it caught us off guard.
And so you got to think, like, where would
be a good spot for a 9/11, do you think?
Where?
Arby's!
Arby's is not a bad choice. I-- Okay.
Bro, Arby's is mental, bro!
My God.
Oh, God.
Damn, cuz. That Arby's 9/11,
that shit was heavy, bro.
Arby's is a great plan.
Anybody-- Who else had one?
Right here!
Right here?
That's
Okay.
We're-We're-We're right here.
Okay. So we all have ideas, right?
We all have
Okay.
Everybody wants to do a 9/11.
That's kind of the conclusion
we quickly came to.
And look, but it's--
You can't just do a 9/11, right, okay?
What we just had here
was wishful thinking, that's all that is.
You're gonna need friends,
I'm telling you.
You can't do a 9/11 alone.
That's the one I want you to remember
if you take away anything from this show.
You cannot do a 9/11 by yourself.
You need other people.
You're gonna need policemen, right?
You're gonna need firemen.
Um, you're gonna need firewomen.
Firewomen, yeah, if they have them.
I don't even think
they have firewomen. Uh
You're gonna--
You're gonna need lesbians that hate fire.
Any woman who has to shave right here
and willing to carry water in her purse,
you're gonna need that bitch
to pull up, all right?
So I've thought a lot about this
and I've prayed about it,
and I've drawn a lot of shit
on my walls at home, and, uh
I kind of think, dude,
New York City again, bro, okay?
Hear me out.
Just because they've already done it.
They know how to 9, they know how to 11.
You don't want somebody
learning on your dime, bro.
That's the last thing you want, you know?
You don't want somebody
20 minutes into a 9/11,
they're texting you like,
"What do we do now?"
Keep 11ing, bitch, okay?
Okay, you guys disagree?
Where would you have it, brother?
-Bass Pro Pyramid.
-Bass Pro Shop?
That's weird, dude.
They must owe you
a last check or something, huh?
That's-- that's very specific, sir.
Bass Pro Shop, run the manager's office.
Bass Pro Shop.
Right, people--
Somebody said Grand Rapids.
You can't have a Grand Rapids--
You're gonna have a 9/11 in Grand Rapids?
Four people will die, okay?
People will walk out of your 9/11.
People are like,
"This 9/11 fucking sucks, bro!"
"Worse than Joker 2, dude!"
I like Richmond, actually.
-Dollar General!
-Dollar General's not a bad idea, okay?
Dude, I wanna meet the Dollar General
and fucking beat his ass, dude.
One of these days, he'll show up.
Okay, yeah, there's a lot.
She just yelled "AIDS" or whatever. That
People are just yelling diseases
they have now, okay?
That's when it's gotten bad, so
"AIDS!"
"Kentucky AIDS!"
So anyway, yeah,
just thinking out loud, man.
This is the last time I'll ever get
to do these jokes in my life, probably.
It's kind of wild.
They take you on a journey, they take you
Some of these jokes took me
around the whole world, so
Yeah, it's the last night,
so I'm happy to be here with you.
I am, thank you.
I mean that.
Pretty cool.
So, thank you so much.
Um, you know, we don't know
how many gays there are.
I'm gonna let that sink in for a second.
We don't know how many gays there are.
Thanks, Biden.
You know, Trump's counting gays.
He's just like, "One homo, seven homos."
That heartless lump, he's just fucking
"Two thousand homos."
But the truth is, we don't know
how many gays there are, dude.
I read the other day,
um, in my diary, actually,
15 out of almost 62 people might be gay.
And maybe more, dot, dot, dot.
"Subscribe for more," it said,
in my own diary.
Like, bitch, I gotta subscribe
for my own thoughts?
Everything's gay now, dude.
Everything is gay.
"Are you gay?" Everything's gay, bro.
You get a spoon and it's like,
"I wanna be a fork."
You're like,
"Bitch, I just wanna finish my soup!"
You tickle a little Chinese baby,
he'll be like, "I'm gay!"
And I ain't got no issues
with people being gay, man.
You know? I ain't got--
But what gets me, bro
You know, I'll say this, I got a lot
of respect for the OG gays, bro.
That's the truth.
I got a lot of respect for the OG gays.
Them Harvey Milk slurp lords, bro.
Because all these young dudes
are doing is being gay, bro.
Twenty-four hours a day,
full-time gaying.
Call your young gay buddy,
call him at 6:15 in the morning,
see if he's gay.
See if he's gay.
I bet he is.
Call him at 9:00 p.m.,
see if he's still gay.
Bet he is.
Must be nice, dude.
Must be nice just being gay
all day long, dude.
That's why I got more respect
for those OG gay men.
Those men that stood in there.
I don't know why I put that up, sorry.
Might have been the Navy, okay?
Those men that stood in there with a wife,
with two children,
and on their own time, they would slip off
and polish their buddy up
behind the GameStop.
And then come back home and suffer
with their family like the rest of us.
So I'm not pissed that anybody's gay,
but I'm a little pissed that these
young fellas are cutting corners, dude.
Get a wife and kids and secretly be gay.
Do the work.
Amen, bro.
Do the fucking work, dude.
You don't think I wanna hang out
in the park with my buddy all day,
just playing Nintendo Switch
and creaming each other out?
Fuck yeah, I do, dude.
But I'm still out here googling,
"What do I do with my date tomorrow
for Valentine's Day?"
You don't think I wanna hang out
in the woods just jerking off from a tree
and see if my buddy
can catch it on his back?
Yes, I do, dude.
But some of us are out here
trying to keep this human race going.
So do the work.
Get a wife and children
and secretly be gay.
Do the work.
And I mean that.
Do the fucking work, man.
You think there's anything better than
hugging your wife goodbye in the morning,
looking in the mirror and winking?
Win the fucking wink, honky.
Nobody wants to work anymore, dude.
And you know
And you know there's plastics
in the water now
making people gay.
Hey, fellas.
There's plastics in the water now
making people gay, dude.
So now when you meet a gay fella,
when you meet a gay fella,
you don't know if you're meeting just
a little Lord-minted Care Bear of Christ
or one of these Fiji bottle gays, dude.
Make our gays clean again, bro.
All we want is clean gays.
Oh, man.
But, yeah, I-I got to get a family, dude.
I got to get fricking married, dude.
You know, 'cause you have people where
everybody gets married and
You know, and it gets weird
if you're not married after a while,
if you go home for the holidays
and stuff, you know?
'Cause I'll go home
and my stepdad, you know,
he'll be at dinner
And I don't bring I brought a gal home,
and I had a girlfriend here and there,
but after a while it starts to add up.
And he'll be just
cutting the meat at dinner.
And he was in like a lot of the wars.
And, you know,
he'll be fucking sitting there,
and he's afraid to blink, you know,
'cause he might miss an Asian running by,
and he's he's just
cutting the meat and he's like,
"You gonna pass the butter?"
"Are you gonna admit he's a faggot?"
You know?
Like, "Just butter again, Rick."
"Butter again."
Yeah, I got to get married, dude.
I don't know, I think the part like,
you know, I want a family,
but I want to have a family
that has like a wife and a husband.
Um
Yeah.
But, dude, I don't want-- I don't know.
I don't want somebody being in my house
when I'm not there.
You know? Like, if I leave our house,
what are you doing in there still?
What?
What are you doing in there?
I can't live like that, bro.
But, yeah, I got to settle down, man.
I got commitment issues.
I've had them my whole life, you know.
I've had them since
I don't know. They're all I've ever had.
They're kind of like my
These are my pets.
Uh
And you know, from-from my life, you know,
my mother didn't look at me
when I was a child, right?
I've talked about this before.
She didn't look at me.
Some You know,
she wouldn't look me in the eyes.
She couldn't hold me.
Something was wrong with
Something was broken inside of my mother.
It wasn't wrong with her, but something
was broken inside of my mother.
When she looked at me,
something inside of her hurt, right?
And I don't know
what happened to her in her life.
And that's okay, right? That's
I don't blame my mother anymore.
That's just the way things were.
But something It made it
It just made it tough.
It gave me, like,
commitment issues, I think.
And I'm not telling you this--
I don't need anybody to feel sorry for me.
I don't need anybody
to do anything special for me. I'm fine.
Uh, I'm just trying to tell you
how I ended up on drugs, okay? So
Yeah.
But yeah, my mother, she just had a tough
You know, she just had you know
Like, you'd think
if something fell out of your vagina,
you'd fucking look it in the eyes.
Not my mother. She's like, "I'm gonna
play hard to get with this toddler."
You know?
"I'm two-stepping around the room
on this little bastard, you feel me?"
And then my grandmother didn't like me.
That's what cooked me, all right?
'Cause usually,
God give you a mother and then they--
You know, that's a free radical there.
Who knows what's going to happen?
But then they give you that backup mother,
that grandmother, you know?
Just tits and biscuits,
that big baby, you know?
And my grandma, she didn't like me, man.
I remember one time,
she got down like this and she said,
"I don't like you."
And then she asked me
to help her stand back up, dude.
Yeah, 'cause she had arthritis.
And those are the women in my life, right?
Like, I don't like-- There's something
I won't connect with you,
but you have to help me, right?
You still owe me just because
I'm superior to you in some way, right?
And again, I'm not trying
to get you to feel sorry for me. I'm fine.
But I am trying to tell you
how I ended up on drugs.
So when I was about, let me see.
When I was about
So when I was about 5, maybe 5 and a half,
my grandmother, she fricking said that
I couldn't come visit her anymore, right?
And she said, this is why.
She said because I ate some chocolates
at her house and I lied about it.
Some chocolates.
And I could have done it.
Look, if I'm a kid, the only thing
I know is chocolates, right?
You know, that's the only thing
that exists, is just you and chocolates.
But she said I couldn't come visit her
for ten years, that was her rule.
Yeah, dude.
You know, that's two life sentences
for my age.
For ten years, man. And my mother said,
"Well, Grandma makes her own rules."
"So those are the rules."
So for ten years,
I couldn't go visit my grandmother
and my siblings could, right?
It's-- It is crazy, bro.
And I know a lot of people
have way crazier stuff in their lives
and more real stuff.
I'm not comparing that.
I'm just telling you what happened
on my little shit journey, right?
So every time summer was coming up,
the whole thing, it would be
I couldn't do something my siblings could.
And it always was this reminder that
something was just wrong with me, right?
That's how I took it. It may not be true,
but that's how I took it, right?
And we still had fun
around the neighborhood on McGee Street.
We had a good time, dude.
And my brother would bring me back
little gifts, man.
My brother's been
He's been the hero of my life, you know?
If you have a brother in the world,
if God gave you a brother,
is there anything
that's greater than that?
And my brother would bring me back stuff.
He would bring me back snickerdoodles
my grandma would make.
He would bring me back
these little roosters pictures
that my grandma would draw.
He would bring
He would These, like,
I'm trying to think what it's called.
Pani
"Pani-Jose."
He would bring these "Pani-Jose"
for my grandmother's, okay?
And it's like-- It's like fake skin,
and you get to look Mexican
for one night only, right?
It's like your legs are Mexican
for one night only, though.
And he would bring it back,
we'd put it on our feet
and pretend a snake was eating us.
Like, "I'm in Australia!"
Anyway, after ten years,
I was finally allowed to go, right?
I was 16 years old.
I was excited.
My grandmother lived
in a small community, beautiful town.
And, uh And in rural Illinois
I went up there,
probably 800 people live in the town.
I went up there.
And the first night I was there,
some of the local children
gave me some LSD.
And I didn't know I was anybody
that ever took drugs until that moment
somebody said, "Here's drugs," and I said,
"Yes, I will have some of that."
And I took it, man, and these kids
took me to a party, you know?
And it was just children being at a party.
And I was a child.
And And at some point in the evening,
I had to urinate, right?
And, uh And I believe in God, you know.
I believe that, uh, God gives us water,
and then he wants it back, right?
And low-key, bro, it's kind of
The fact he wants it back out your wiener
is kind of gay, bro.
And I'm gonna leave-- I respect all
God's magic, but he could get that shit--
He could have it pop out of your elbows.
He could have it fly out of your back and
land in a cool pattern on the concrete.
But the fact he wants you
to get that splash rabbit out
to get his water back, that seems gay.
Anyway, I'm at this party,
I get pinged by the big dog.
He wants to see
a little bit of work, you know?
So I start looking for a place to urinate.
And behind a barn,
I find a Ford Escort vehicle.
And I was raised right near a Ford Escort,
and you can pee in them if you have to.
Don't do a two up in there.
You can piss in them if you need, though.
So I went right up to the back door,
I opened it up, and I just peed in there.
All night I'd go in there
and pee in that thing, brother.
So fast-forward about two hours later,
I gotta get a ride home, okay?
Tight ship!
The only person
who will give me a ride home
is this boy Jason Dominion
and his girlfriend,
and they drove that Ford Escort, bro.
I've done peed in here
about eight times by now, man.
So I sit in the back,
I'm just-- I'm just birdbathing
in my own urine, dude.
I'm just B-bathing in my own
Lord porridge, homey, you know?
And I didn't tell nobody
I'd been pissing in here.
That's the kind of guy I am.
I'll piss in your car all night,
you ain't gotta know shit, cuz.
I might even say,
"Hey, smell a bit like piss back here."
But you ain't gotta know shit, slime.
It's the one back there
that's holding it down
and, uh, just sitting
in my own piss, vibrating.
And, uh
And that LSD starts to flare up, bro.
Yeah!
You forgot I took it, huh?
Me too, dude.
Bro, this shit was homemade, bro.
Somebody made this shit on a grill,
you know?
It had cheese on one side of it.
It comes with cheese on it?
And I knew something was wrong.
I remember I knew something was wrong
because I remembered, uh
I-I-I remembered thinking
that one of my shoulders
was trying to keep a secret from me.
And that's drugs, baby girl. That's drugs.
So I said, "Hey, drop me off a couple
blocks away from my grandmother's."
"I wanna walk off this LSD."
You can't do that, bro.
I don't know what they put in LSD,
but it ain't GPS, all right?
So bro, they dropped me off,
and I'm out there, bro.
I'm fucking out there,
I turned into my worst night--
I'm out in that bitch, cuz,
you know what I'm saying?
Just all arms,
no information in that bitch.
I'm the only thing awake
in this neighborhood.
I'm a land fish, bitch.
You know what I'm saying? I'm out there,
I'm trying on different spines and shit.
Okay? My shadow
is trying to fuck, you know?
Bro, if your shadow
is taking his pants off,
fucking take it to the house, cuz.
So I'm not doing real well.
I get to my grandmother's.
My grandmother
lived in a small home, right?
Two bedrooms.
Just a little bit of home, right?
I go in the guest bedroom,
I lay down, I close my eyes,
and they were still open.
Oh shit, bro.
And I try to close them again,
they wouldn't close, bro.
My eyes was broken.
And I reverted to the last time
I'd been at my grandmother's.
When I was a child. Ten years earlier.
And if-if-if you got scared at night,
you would walk
down their hallway at night.
And my grandparents,
they left their bedroom door open.
You say, "Grandma, I'm scared."
"Can I get in bed with you guys?"
And they would let you lay in there
until your comfort was back up,
until you had as much comfort
as you could have
inside of one person at one time, at once.
So that's what I did, man, 16 years old.
Fucking high on LSD, just
Just playing double Dutch
with nothing, bro, just
I start walking down the hallway.
All these ceramic frogs looking at me.
And that's the motherfucker
that ate the chocolates.
Bro, I get to my grandmother's door.
I say, "Grandma, I'm-- I'm scared."
"Can I get in bed with you
Can I get in bed with you guys?" Okay?
And she said, "Yes," dude.
This woman who'd said no my whole life
said yes at the worst time!
So now I'm laying in bed
between my grandparents, bro.
This is a true story.
Now I'm laying in bed
between my grandparents,
who I barely even know.
Just frying on LSD, dude.
Dude, I remember thinking at one point
which one of my grandparents
was gonna be alive longer
based on their body temperature
at that moment.
So I'm not doing real good, bro.
I'm Edgar Allan Poe-ing, dawg.
They got aortas in the floorboards, homey.
I'm not doing good.
And I laid there for, like,
six minutes or even 44,015 minutes.
I get so scared.
I sit up in my grandmother's bed.
My human grandmother.
I lean over her body.
They had a landline's phone.
I pick it up and I dialed 9-1-1.
Bro
And I hit 9-1, I'm like, "Hello?"
"Thought we'd meet you halfway."
"Part of our new halfway initiative.
Every second saves lives."
I said, "There's somebody
in the basement."
"And it's not me."
Pretty Sawass clues, right?
So they said,
"All right, we'll be right over."
We gonna pull up, right?
So I hang up the phone,
I start laying down, right?
Real quietly.
'Cause sometimes
this is how I am on drugs.
Yeah.
Sometimes on drugs, some things
are loud and some things are quiet.
I just made a call to the police officers
over my living grandmother's body
right in front of me.
I thought she didn't hear it.
So I'm thinking, bro.
I'm trying to lay down real quietly.
'Cause I'm thinking I lay down,
the officers come running in,
create a discursion.
I'm out of here, right?
So I'm laying down quiet as anybody
ever even could lay down, bro.
They see me layin', they hatin'.
Hey, is somebody laying down in there?
I don't hear nobody.
Quietest motherfucker that ever laid down.
Hoping my grandmother
didn't hear me make the call.
My grandmother,
who is two inches away from me
in her own bed that she has slept in
for 30-something years,
sits up and goes,
"There's somebody in the basement?"
And I And I have no idea
what she's talking about, dude.
You ever had an idea?
I didn't have it.
My brain had taken a previous exit, man.
I'm baking future cakes.
I don't know what she's talking about.
I said, "There is?"
Now my grandmother and I
were having a "who's on first"
with "there's somebody in the basement."
And my grandfather's just laying there
like a piece of shit, dude.
Frickin' Ronnie, bro.
Ronnie was our step-grandfather.
But where's our real grandfather, huh?
Missing or deceased.
Ronnie was our step-grandfather.
He was good and bad.
He was Gypsy.
He did it. He did asphalt and and crime.
But he, uh
He had a big heart, I think.
I don't know. I barely knew him, but
You know, he had some wild stuff.
Ronnie, let me think.
Let me get him into my brain.
He used to cut his shirt sleeves off
and make my grandma
wear them at night for good luck.
So he was severely Polish, I think.
And he, uh
What else? Oh, I will say this.
Let me say this, because this was
a very nice thing that he did for us.
He would take a--
He liked them Marlboro cigarettes.
And he would get him a lit one.
And he'd get a little smoking going on it.
You'd be chiefing
that little kid in a little.
And he'd put the lid in under our nose.
He wasn't trying to burn us or nothing.
He'd put it right under our nostrils
right there.
And he'd blow out a little.
He would let us
just
Just inhale that fucking smoke coming out.
And if you've ever been a poor child,
and somebody lets you just inhale
pure cigarette smoke
off the cherry of a lit cigarette.
I mean, it's like
just damn going to Florida, brother.
I'd come back, I'd see somebody
had a shirt on said, "dissed."
And I was like,
"Bitch, that ain't shit, baby."
That shit was nice, bro.
But I'll say this,
Ronnie loved my grandmother,
and I appreciate him for that.
So we're all laying
in my grandmother's bed, right?
And
And we're scared
for different reasons, brother.
We are
I'm 16 years old, high on LSD,
laying in my grandmother's bed
that I haven't seen for ten years, dude!
So anyway, the officers
come into the bedroom.
We're like, "The basement."
Bro, the second they leave, I'm like,
"God, please put a bad person
in the basement."
"Put the worst person ever
in the basement."
"Put him in there now, God."
I knew there was nothing in that bitch.
There was like an ironing board
and some mealworms.
So they came back up and
Anyway, long story short,
my grandmother didn't press charges.
And, uh
And the officer sat with me
in the guest bedroom until I fell asleep.
Yeah, and he didn't touch me or anything.
And I honestly-- I don't care if he did,
to be honest, you know?
Those guys are underpaid, I think, and
If a little bit of hand caffeine
gets him back out on the street,
who-- What?
Who am I to judge, fam?
And in the morning,
my grandmother made me breakfast, right?
And she didn't say a word to me,
and I didn't say a word to her.
And I left that afternoon,
and that was the last time
that I ever saw her.
She died about seven weeks after that.
-Aw!
-I know, I can't even believe that.
So
And guess where they found her at?
Basement, yup.
Called it.
Called that shit.
But no, I'm grateful to her.
She made my mother, you know?
I wouldn't have my mother
if it wasn't for-- I love my mother, so
Yeah, we all got here.
And this is where we are.
Uh, what else?
Yeah, I want to thank you guys
for letting me be a part of your life.
And, uh and I mean that.
Like, I feel like God
has a purpose for us.
And I mean that.
And I know that most of us
want better in the world,
and we're gonna figure out ways to do it.
And so once again,
we-we-we can't rely on the powers that be.
We gotta put it on our own shoulders.
And I think we'll find ways
to do that together.
So I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
You know, it's funny, when I was a child,
that little bus would come and scoop me
because when I got put
in the year five of school,
I got put into, uh,
learning disabled courses.
And a lot of us have been in there
in this community.
And they built
these little outlier buildings
outside of the regular school,
little portable.
Outside, just right in the little
perimeter out there.
People didn't know it was
right outside of the insurance area.
Nobody knew that shit.
Right outside,
in there where it gets real windy,
right out there
on the edge of campus right there.
They put the at-risk children
right out in that bitch, right?
And I remember I got to school
that first day and it said on the door,
it said, "learning disables" on it.
And it was
who it said it was in there, man.
It was. They had gingers in there. Uh
Yeah, spicies, devil's candles.
Whatever you want to call them,
they had them.
Uh, twins.
I don't believe in twins.
You can do whatever you want to do, okay?
I've seen the devil work.
I don't believe in twins, okay?
If y'all are twins, y'all go in the woods,
figure out who the real motherfucker is,
send them back out.
Because I'm sick
of talking to Sean and Matt.
They had gingers, they had twins,
they had asthmatics in there.
But if you can't breathe
this ain't your planet, cuz.
Bye.
They had twins, gingers, asthmatics.
Uh, they had the OGs in there.
They had Down syndrome in there.
Oh yeah, they did, brother.
We had the original Down syndrome dude,
the dude that only looks down, bro.
Bitch, I've been down, I stay down.
We had up syndrome, that dude.
Hollaback Watkins, he was in that bitch.
We had the blind dude with the stick.
Remember that dude?
The bravest guy that God ever made.
Remember that? That dark Gretzky.
Every step, complete darkness.
And he was fearless.
The Lord's Roomba. He was in that bitch.
We had this dude in there,
fucking Inchworm Watson.
He was in there, bro.
Cautious Clay, keeping the world clear
of land mines a half inch at a time.
I'll be there soon.
Well, he was in that bitch.
The first wigga
they'd ever seen in our area.
The first white kid
that wanted to be Black.
They'd never seen it before.
They put him in that bitch.
So you had Down syndrome,
you had up syndrome,
you had bravest blind dude,
you had lean with it, rock with it.
Then you had Brian Perman
just dribbling an invisible basketball
and posting up limp kids in a lunch line.
And we were what it said on the door.
We was learning disabled.
And the teacher wasn't even a teacher.
It was Mr. Gregory that did the bleachers.
I'm like, "Who the fuck is this, bro?"
"This is just the oldest one of us."
He just fucking stayed the longest,
this dawg.
Why is he teaching us in Oakleys?
And I didn't know why I was in there, bro.
I don't know why I was in there.
But I was in there.
And if you knew where I was,
I was, uh-- I was in there.
And, you know, I didn't know
what had happened to me.
If something happened over the summer,
I didn't know what was going on, right?
I didn't know if I got hit by something
or if I'd fall off or something.
Yeah, if I was like undercover boss,
I don't know what the fuck was going on.
And I was afraid to tell my mom
because I knew she'd be mad at me, bro.
She'd be like, "Oh, you're retarded?
How much is that gonna cost us?"
So I was just in there, bro.
And I was doing
pretty good in there, uh, overall.
I was like, you know, top 80th percentile
or whatever for newcomers or whatever.
And, uh
And I was in there for a while.
And one day, my buddy Scotty came through.
Who was still one of my dearest friends.
And he was bringing something
from his teacher to our teacher.
And I was like, "Scotty, it's me."
And he acted like he didn't know me, bro.
I'm like, "Damn, cuz."
"I'm in here deep."
"They can't even see me
out there no more."
And about two weeks later,
a teacher came in.
She had some paperwork on her.
And she goes, "There's been a mistake."
And you saw half the people in that bitch
perked up, bro.
Bro, people that hadn't perked up
in a long time, dude.
Even Down syndrome went mid-syndrome.
And they called out my name, man.
So when I see somebody
that's learning disabled or marginalized,
fucking, hey, I did my time cuz.
And part of you never leaves, baby.
Gang recognize gang, son.
Let's don't let evil win!
Praise God!
You guys be good to yourselves!
Thank you so much, Lexington!
I love you guys!
If I could just get out of Georgia
I might find my way home again
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Well, I've lived my life
And I don't care if I die
I'm on a one-way road to glory
And I'll leave all my troubles behind
Shine that light on me
I'll sit and tell you my stories
What's up?
Lexington!
Praise God, baby.
Good to see you guys tonight.
How are we doing tonight?
Let's go!
Thank you guys for coming out.
A lot of white people, baby.
We're still here. That's our motto.
They are phasing us out.
So thank you for coming
to this very special white meeting, uh
I'm just joking, bro. I'm joking, dude.
Do not cheer, bro.
I'm joking, man. I'm not racist, bro.
Unless you are, you know?
You first.
Never do racism first, dude.
That's racist.
Now, if somebody says something racist
and you're like,
"Yeah, I kinda see
what you're talking about."
That's supporting a friend, dude.
Most of y'all never seen me walk before.
This is it.
It ain't much, but it's all we got.
I beat Down syndrome,
but it was close, brother.
It was a booth review.
The ruling on the field
is being challenged.
Yeah, that's how God made me, dude.
Like, if you were in a deer stand,
you'd-- you'd take at least
a warning shot at it, you know?
That's how God made me, dude.
I'm built like a Black girl
with Down syndrome
from about here to here, brother.
And no offense if you're a Black girl
with Down syndrome.
Actually, if you're a Black girl
with Down syndrome
and you're here tonight,
fucking turn up, Larkisha, okay?
Way to get out the house and live yo life,
baby girl.
Don't let them keep you
locked in the house
watching Barbershop 9 again.
Get out and get you some Chick-fil-A
and enjoy the economy, baby.
Yeah, that's how God made me, dude.
A lot of aftermarket shit on this deal.
You know, I used to go to school
when I was a child, and, uh
All right, Kentucky. Uh
One of the few states
I wasn't homeschooled in.
But I used to go to school
when I was a child,
and the government,
they send a bus to get you in the morning.
You know, the government, they send a bus.
And I never liked the government
because they don't do shit, you know?
We used to think
one side wasn't doing shit
and this side would do the shit,
but now we realize nobody's doing shit.
They ain't doing shit.
Now, if you're a pedophile,
they'll help you out a little.
If you's a-touchin' the childrens,
they'll help you out.
And by help you out,
I mean send all our money to Israel, dude.
But that-- So I never liked
the government, man.
So in the morning,
they'd send that school bus, you know?
And with how I felt about the government,
I'd go stand out there like that.
And that bus would just
Right on by.
And I'd have to walk to school, you know?
And in our neighborhood, uh
Well, I don't know
if it was a neighborhood.
Was it a neighborhood? It was, uh
It was a lot of people recovering
from addiction that had been fucking.
Whatever that's called.
Crazy, we don't have a word for it,
seeing that it's most of our nation.
But in our opioid Whoville, uh
after that regular bus had gone by,
they'd unleash a couple of them
smaller wagons, baby.
You feel me?
Couple of them little
Care Bear hunters, you know?
And they'd pass through the area just
picking up any loose change, you feel me?
And I'd be walking to school
with my body style
that God and his son gave me.
And one of them little buses
would just pull right up on me, just
went out the cage.
We got one out the cage.
And sometimes it would have a siren on it.
I'm like, dude,
does it need a siren on it?
And the operator of the vehicle,
this lady, Miss Dorothy was her name.
And she was a really--
She was just a real, you know,
she was just lipstick
and ex-husbands, this bitch.
She was, you know, like
And she'd pull up,
and she'd open that door, you know?
Remember that door, you know?
'Cause it's the government.
They even got armed bureaucracy.
It's like, you can't even
You know, she she'd
By the time it was open,
she'd come, I think.
I don't know.
You know, I don't know what her home life
was like or whatever, but
'Cause sometimes
she would just open and close it
and then just sit in there
and do a cigarette.
But she would open that door.
And she would offer me a dog treat
if I got on that bus, dude.
Yeah.
A real dog treat.
For dogs!
And I'd look in the rear windows.
They'd have a bunch of mentals
in the windows, bro.
Bunch of the Lord's oysters in that bitch.
Bunch of handicapped.
They had wiggers in there.
They had severe Italians.
They had everything
that was disabled in that bitch.
Just pressed up against the glass.
Just milk boning down, just
Dashing through the snow 8
I was like, "Am I hungry enough
to be retarded, guys?"
Question as old as time.
And no offense
if anybody's retarded either, dude.
It ain't about you, all right?
"Ricky," or whatever your name is.
We quit naming
mentally handicapped people "Ricky."
And getting them a whistle
to express how they feel.
"How you doing, Ricky?"
"Oh shit, Ricky wants oatmeal."
Black people have the best
mentally handicapped people, bro.
Black people have--
Because they dress them bitches up
like Christmas trees, bro.
They hang ornaments on them bitches, man.
They be keeping their heroes fresh.
Because in Black culture,
they believe if you dress fresh enough,
you can exceed whatever conviction's
been put on you on this earth.
So-- so you'll see
a mentally challenged brother,
he'll have on some lemon-lime J's.
Some pants with bubbles going up the leg.
And a hat on, say "Sprite" on it.
And they be like,
"Oh shit, Ricky gonna be mayor!"
"Blow that bitch, Ricky!"
"Ricky wants barbecue!"
How we doing, guys?
Good to see you tonight.
It's a beautiful place, man.
What's going on, dude?
Not much. Got my Yeezys on today.
Yeah, couple Kanye fans.
Couple Nazis. That's
Tomato, tomahto, bro, you know?
I like them, bro.
Kanye said some wild shit over the years,
but if he'd have kept these on,
he-he-he would never
have said some of that.
I think they're too comfortable, man.
They're doing that themselves, bro.
These bitches, they're really comfortable.
I'm surprised I made it to work tonight
in these bitches.
I call jobs I don't even have,
tell them I can't make it, man.
"I ain't gonna be there."
"Who's this?" "Who gives a fuck?"
"You understaffed, twin."
I like these, man.
And the Jews tried to shut Kanye down,
remember that shit?
I'm like, holy shit, baby.
Jews versus Blacks.
I've been waiting for this shit.
I thought I was a little racist.
Fricking hold my beer, Israel.
And my Jewish buddy got mad at me, man,
for having them.
He's like,
"Dude, turn those into the police."
I'm like,
"I just got them."
He's like,
"Bro, those are anti-Semitical."
They're 10 and a halfs.
I don't know what they did
before I had them, but
I'm gonna give them
a second chance, you know?
My buddy's like,
"No, dude, those are anti-Jew shoes."
I'm like, "Whoa, bro."
I've never been anti-Jews, okay?
I've been like, "Oh shit, Jews?"
But I've never been anti-Jews.
And if you've never been, "Oh shit, Jews,"
that's because you don't know
enough good Jews.
Even my Jewish buddies now are like,
"Oh shit, Jews?"
I'm like, "I've been-been mentioning it."
We didn't even have any Jews
growing up, dude.
I don't think. Somebody could have--
I guess somebody could have had one.
Again, we didn't have any
We didn't have it, yeah.
I know we didn't have one.
We were in a two-bedroom and I just
I would have noticed somebody in there
just kind of uncomfortably
counting everything, uh
Yeah, we didn't have that shit, man.
We didn't have it, man.
And I got a lot of respect
for Jewish culture, man.
I do. I really-- I seriously do, man.
They figure shit out, bro.
Jews figure shit out.
You put a Jew at rock bottom,
they start selling gravel.
They figure shit out.
Look at the history books.
They've been down 0-3 in every series,
and they came back and won that bitch.
And if they didn't, they bought
the history books and rewrote them
to say they came back and won that bitch.
So sometimes you hear people
say stuff like, "Well, Jews are shady."
"Jews are shady!"
But then I'm thinking
that they're from the desert,
so shade was probably the first business.
A couple of Hebrews sat under a branch,
they're like,
"This is a fucking LLC, brother."
"Jerry Branchberg."
"Nice to meet you."
Yeah, we didn't have any Jews,
I don't think.
I gotta ask my mom.
Yeah, my mom drew pictures of everybody
that lived in our neighborhood.
With markers, dude,
and she wasn't an artist, so
She was on pills!
It's kind of crazy
when you get home from school
and Mom's got her own artwork
to show you, you know.
"Look what I drew you."
We had some characters
in our area growing up, though.
I know that.
They just busted a dude in my hometown
with a 30-pound bag
of hamster bones on him.
Oh yeah, they got him.
How many hamsters do you think that is,
big dog, right here?
-A hundred.
-If you had to guess-- One hundred, bro?
Bro, what are you talking about? What?
What are you talking about? What?
A hundred hamsters?
You-You-You know what a hamster is, Bubba?
One of the Lord's McNuggets, bro?
You think a hundred hamsters
have 30 pounds of bone in them?
You got Galpagos hamsters?
You got them rideable hamsters, yeah!
"Come on, Nibbles!"
"We late for the derby."
No, bro. It's about 2,000 hamsters, bro.
Dang, boy.
But good guess. Pretty good guess overall.
And for this area, great guess, buddy.
I'll say that.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
You started it.
Yeah, they busted a dude,
30 pounds of HBs in a pillowcase,
back of a Toyota Tercel.
And they got him.
And one of my buddies was like,
"What'd they charge him with?"
You ever meet that dude
in your neighborhood, just fucking
Just all arms, no information, just
"What'd they charge him with?"
With working for Satan, okay?
With freelancing for Voldemort.
The fella had 30 pound of hamster bone
in a pillowcase.
The ivory of Arkansas.
And they got him, praise God.
I miss being at home.
I'm from a beautiful area
called St. Tammany Parish, Louisiana.
It's a nice, safe place.
And I feel lucky to have lived there.
And my heart's always over there, uh
Yeah, we had some characters
growing up, man.
This one fella I grew up with named Alan,
was his name.
Alan.
And they called him Alan.
And they were right.
And he was tiny, baby, he was tiny.
He was so tiny.
Think of something tiny,
and that could be Alan.
You could see him real easy, man.
Take you half a second to see him,
just boom, yup, yeah, he's home.
Mm-hmm. Got the whole tour, yes, sir.
He was so tiny.
You almost think God didn't even like him
just 'cause he didn't make
that much of him, you know?
He was so tiny.
That's the sound
the Black folks made when they saw him.
He was so tiny.
I mean, he probably
had half a cup of blood in him.
Couple organized mosquitoes
would fucking kill him!
He was so tiny.
He could barely hold
a golf ball above his head
with both of his hands.
Yeah, and he used to use two hands
to eat a butterscotch.
Yeah.
Somebody at the soccer game
break him off a B-scotch,
he'd run over there, just hiding behind
a wheel well of a F-250 over there, just
And we used to blow
cigarette smoke on him while he ate it.
Just to challenge
his lungs a little, you know?
'Cause it's harder to lick through smoke.
Like, "Finish that bitch, Alan."
"Finish that bitch!"
And when-when he finally finished it,
you were so excited.
I mean, you just you just wanted
to cum out of your damn eyes.
But God won't let you.
And he was so tiny.
I mean, he probably had
maybe 16, maybe 13, 14, 7,
11 teen bones in his body.
The foot bone's connected to the neck
People would just pour
whole milk on him, just
"He needs it!"
"He needs"
People-- We used to--
We used to rub Gatorade on his legs
before the school dance.
You gonna be fine, baby bear.
It's just a doggie.
And Alan's daddy
worked over there at the hospital.
His daddy worked over there
at the hospital, at the gift shop.
He was assistant GM over there,
and they had a lot
of stuffed animals over there.
And sometimes, his daddy would steal
the clothing off them stuffed animals
and bring them home for Alan, bro.
You'd You'd see him at school,
his shirt would say,
"Get well soon" on it.
Say, "Congrats, it's a girl."
Like, "That's a progressive shirt, Alan."
Every other one of his shirts
had a balloon taped to the shoulder.
Like, "Where are you going, Alan?"
"Alan!"
I miss him, man. I miss him.
He isn't dead, but
He is real small.
And that's pretty much
the same thing, you know?
Yeah, I gotta get a job.
And I worked in dairy for a little bit.
I was in Big Dairy, yeah. Any dairy guys?
Every-- every woman's in it a little. Uh
Yeah, I worked at
Well, I-I-I worked
at Cold Stone Creamers for, uh,
almost 11 months.
Yeah, thanks. Seven months.
I'm gonna be honest with you. Um
But thank you,
yeah, I was stationed at, um
location 1171, baby, you feel me?
Mighty 71st, baby.
And we hired a lot of autism over there,
I'll tell you that.
Hell yeah, God's rocky road, baby.
Mint chocolate genetics, brother.
Everybody in our place had autism.
We-We-We were
the Underground Railroad for autism.
Bro, you open up a freezer in there,
and Harriet Tubism
would jump out that bitch.
Everybody in that bitch had been licked
by the Lord, homey.
Oh, we was damp, baby. We was damp.
And if you know anything about autism, um,
or if you believe in it.
I'm not trying to sway
anybody's vote here tonight.
I'm nonpartisan when it comes to it,
but if you believe in autism,
you know they love rasslin', right?
That's a common--
Yeah, everybody agrees on that, right?
They love rasslin'. That's their caviar.
And we had one fella, bless him, bro,
one fella I worked with named Barnabas.
He had about 60 to 50% autism.
60 to 50 60 to 56
60 to 50% autism.
That was his baseline.
And if it was raining outside or somebody
was chewing on ice near him,
he'd fucking redline a little, you know?
You'd have to throw some baby powder
on him, snow globe him a little.
And And he loved rasslin'.
And he thought the place
was called Stone Cold
Stone Creamers.
And we
And we used to call him Cake Batter 316.
That was our nickname for him.
And we shouldn't have done it, bro.
But God let us do it.
And one of my favorite things
that Barney would do, bro,
when people were ordering, he'd be like,
"Do you want it in a cup?!"
"Or do you want it in a cone?!"
Then he would
tie his shirtsleeves together
and go lay in the freezer, dude.
Yeah, and I'd be back in there
just doing whippits.
That autism in a can, baby.
That's all whipped cream is, bro,
damn milk with autism.
Test it, RFK.
Test that shit, Daddy.
Yeah, we had some characters.
You ever want to kill yourself? Uh
Okay, hold on, okay.
A lot of heroes in here. Uh
But you just take a nap instead, bro?
You're like, "Oh shit, Euphoria's on?" Oh!
I ain't killing myself
with a new Euphoria on.
"Oh shit, Is It Cake? is on?"
Dude, there's a show called Is It Cake?
Who gives a fuck if it's cake?
Your kid is shooting up two walls over,
and you're like,
"Pause it, honey, that's fondant."
"Bitch, pause it.
That's angel food, bitch!"
I-I-I can't believe
people are killing themselves, man.
We gotta stop
and think about what's going on.
People are killing themselves, man.
When I was like in teenagers or whatever,
uh, young adulthood or whatever,
people wasn't killing themselves, dude.
If you were angry, you might have been
angry or depressed, you just--
You-You would listen to heavy metal
and just walk around town at night,
you know?
But you wasn't taking your own life, man.
They're poisoning us, man.
Something's happening,
you know, and I don't know.
Actually, you know, I will say
that we had one fella try to kill himself.
Uh, so, my bad, but, uh, okay.
This one fella, Big Raymond,
that was his name.
And they misnamed him.
He wasn't big.
He wasn't.
And he was always introducing himself.
"I'm Big Raymond."
And people would look at him,
and it didn't fit.
He didn't fit his name.
He could see the disconnect in their eyes,
and he built up a lot of shame.
And he tried to take his own life, yeah.
And he jumped off the tallest building
in our town.
And it was, um
It was JCPenney's.
It was 1.5 stories, and he, uh
Bro, he-- This is crazy, bro.
He jumped off that bitch,
and he just landed, bro.
And they made him go back to work, bro.
What the fuck?!
At least give him--
Give him a 20-minute break, huh?
Let him get a root beer or something.
That man said,
"Clock out if he gonna do that shit."
Look, he's trying to clock out.
He's trying to clock all the way out.
He's clocking out on the last clock.
He's clocking out with God.
You can't even kill yourself anymore, man.
Nobody cares, bro.
You call a suicide hotline,
they're just like, "Do what you do, fam."
"If you don't kill yourself,
we'll give you
a 20% off coupon to Domino's."
"Press one for death, two for Domino's!"
It's just different out there now, man.
It's just different out there, man.
You know, a lot of wild stuff happening
type shit, man.
Uh
Oh, where do you think
the next 9/11 should happen, right?
It's time to talk about it.
We can all feel a 9/11 coming on.
I mean
Yeah, there's--
The "bitches" want it, you know.
Uh
We can all feel a 9/11.
"I feel something tickling my throat."
I'm like, "Bitch, that's a 9/11."
That's a 9/11, dude.
My buddy's like,
"I'm having like a L5-S1."
I'm like, "That's a 9"
"It starts in all of our backs,
but it's just a 9/11."
You got to think, where should it be?
Last time it caught us off guard.
And so you got to think, like, where would
be a good spot for a 9/11, do you think?
Where?
Arby's!
Arby's is not a bad choice. I-- Okay.
Bro, Arby's is mental, bro!
My God.
Oh, God.
Damn, cuz. That Arby's 9/11,
that shit was heavy, bro.
Arby's is a great plan.
Anybody-- Who else had one?
Right here!
Right here?
That's
Okay.
We're-We're-We're right here.
Okay. So we all have ideas, right?
We all have
Okay.
Everybody wants to do a 9/11.
That's kind of the conclusion
we quickly came to.
And look, but it's--
You can't just do a 9/11, right, okay?
What we just had here
was wishful thinking, that's all that is.
You're gonna need friends,
I'm telling you.
You can't do a 9/11 alone.
That's the one I want you to remember
if you take away anything from this show.
You cannot do a 9/11 by yourself.
You need other people.
You're gonna need policemen, right?
You're gonna need firemen.
Um, you're gonna need firewomen.
Firewomen, yeah, if they have them.
I don't even think
they have firewomen. Uh
You're gonna--
You're gonna need lesbians that hate fire.
Any woman who has to shave right here
and willing to carry water in her purse,
you're gonna need that bitch
to pull up, all right?
So I've thought a lot about this
and I've prayed about it,
and I've drawn a lot of shit
on my walls at home, and, uh
I kind of think, dude,
New York City again, bro, okay?
Hear me out.
Just because they've already done it.
They know how to 9, they know how to 11.
You don't want somebody
learning on your dime, bro.
That's the last thing you want, you know?
You don't want somebody
20 minutes into a 9/11,
they're texting you like,
"What do we do now?"
Keep 11ing, bitch, okay?
Okay, you guys disagree?
Where would you have it, brother?
-Bass Pro Pyramid.
-Bass Pro Shop?
That's weird, dude.
They must owe you
a last check or something, huh?
That's-- that's very specific, sir.
Bass Pro Shop, run the manager's office.
Bass Pro Shop.
Right, people--
Somebody said Grand Rapids.
You can't have a Grand Rapids--
You're gonna have a 9/11 in Grand Rapids?
Four people will die, okay?
People will walk out of your 9/11.
People are like,
"This 9/11 fucking sucks, bro!"
"Worse than Joker 2, dude!"
I like Richmond, actually.
-Dollar General!
-Dollar General's not a bad idea, okay?
Dude, I wanna meet the Dollar General
and fucking beat his ass, dude.
One of these days, he'll show up.
Okay, yeah, there's a lot.
She just yelled "AIDS" or whatever. That
People are just yelling diseases
they have now, okay?
That's when it's gotten bad, so
"AIDS!"
"Kentucky AIDS!"
So anyway, yeah,
just thinking out loud, man.
This is the last time I'll ever get
to do these jokes in my life, probably.
It's kind of wild.
They take you on a journey, they take you
Some of these jokes took me
around the whole world, so
Yeah, it's the last night,
so I'm happy to be here with you.
I am, thank you.
I mean that.
Pretty cool.
So, thank you so much.
Um, you know, we don't know
how many gays there are.
I'm gonna let that sink in for a second.
We don't know how many gays there are.
Thanks, Biden.
You know, Trump's counting gays.
He's just like, "One homo, seven homos."
That heartless lump, he's just fucking
"Two thousand homos."
But the truth is, we don't know
how many gays there are, dude.
I read the other day,
um, in my diary, actually,
15 out of almost 62 people might be gay.
And maybe more, dot, dot, dot.
"Subscribe for more," it said,
in my own diary.
Like, bitch, I gotta subscribe
for my own thoughts?
Everything's gay now, dude.
Everything is gay.
"Are you gay?" Everything's gay, bro.
You get a spoon and it's like,
"I wanna be a fork."
You're like,
"Bitch, I just wanna finish my soup!"
You tickle a little Chinese baby,
he'll be like, "I'm gay!"
And I ain't got no issues
with people being gay, man.
You know? I ain't got--
But what gets me, bro
You know, I'll say this, I got a lot
of respect for the OG gays, bro.
That's the truth.
I got a lot of respect for the OG gays.
Them Harvey Milk slurp lords, bro.
Because all these young dudes
are doing is being gay, bro.
Twenty-four hours a day,
full-time gaying.
Call your young gay buddy,
call him at 6:15 in the morning,
see if he's gay.
See if he's gay.
I bet he is.
Call him at 9:00 p.m.,
see if he's still gay.
Bet he is.
Must be nice, dude.
Must be nice just being gay
all day long, dude.
That's why I got more respect
for those OG gay men.
Those men that stood in there.
I don't know why I put that up, sorry.
Might have been the Navy, okay?
Those men that stood in there with a wife,
with two children,
and on their own time, they would slip off
and polish their buddy up
behind the GameStop.
And then come back home and suffer
with their family like the rest of us.
So I'm not pissed that anybody's gay,
but I'm a little pissed that these
young fellas are cutting corners, dude.
Get a wife and kids and secretly be gay.
Do the work.
Amen, bro.
Do the fucking work, dude.
You don't think I wanna hang out
in the park with my buddy all day,
just playing Nintendo Switch
and creaming each other out?
Fuck yeah, I do, dude.
But I'm still out here googling,
"What do I do with my date tomorrow
for Valentine's Day?"
You don't think I wanna hang out
in the woods just jerking off from a tree
and see if my buddy
can catch it on his back?
Yes, I do, dude.
But some of us are out here
trying to keep this human race going.
So do the work.
Get a wife and children
and secretly be gay.
Do the work.
And I mean that.
Do the fucking work, man.
You think there's anything better than
hugging your wife goodbye in the morning,
looking in the mirror and winking?
Win the fucking wink, honky.
Nobody wants to work anymore, dude.
And you know
And you know there's plastics
in the water now
making people gay.
Hey, fellas.
There's plastics in the water now
making people gay, dude.
So now when you meet a gay fella,
when you meet a gay fella,
you don't know if you're meeting just
a little Lord-minted Care Bear of Christ
or one of these Fiji bottle gays, dude.
Make our gays clean again, bro.
All we want is clean gays.
Oh, man.
But, yeah, I-I got to get a family, dude.
I got to get fricking married, dude.
You know, 'cause you have people where
everybody gets married and
You know, and it gets weird
if you're not married after a while,
if you go home for the holidays
and stuff, you know?
'Cause I'll go home
and my stepdad, you know,
he'll be at dinner
And I don't bring I brought a gal home,
and I had a girlfriend here and there,
but after a while it starts to add up.
And he'll be just
cutting the meat at dinner.
And he was in like a lot of the wars.
And, you know,
he'll be fucking sitting there,
and he's afraid to blink, you know,
'cause he might miss an Asian running by,
and he's he's just
cutting the meat and he's like,
"You gonna pass the butter?"
"Are you gonna admit he's a faggot?"
You know?
Like, "Just butter again, Rick."
"Butter again."
Yeah, I got to get married, dude.
I don't know, I think the part like,
you know, I want a family,
but I want to have a family
that has like a wife and a husband.
Um
Yeah.
But, dude, I don't want-- I don't know.
I don't want somebody being in my house
when I'm not there.
You know? Like, if I leave our house,
what are you doing in there still?
What?
What are you doing in there?
I can't live like that, bro.
But, yeah, I got to settle down, man.
I got commitment issues.
I've had them my whole life, you know.
I've had them since
I don't know. They're all I've ever had.
They're kind of like my
These are my pets.
Uh
And you know, from-from my life, you know,
my mother didn't look at me
when I was a child, right?
I've talked about this before.
She didn't look at me.
Some You know,
she wouldn't look me in the eyes.
She couldn't hold me.
Something was wrong with
Something was broken inside of my mother.
It wasn't wrong with her, but something
was broken inside of my mother.
When she looked at me,
something inside of her hurt, right?
And I don't know
what happened to her in her life.
And that's okay, right? That's
I don't blame my mother anymore.
That's just the way things were.
But something It made it
It just made it tough.
It gave me, like,
commitment issues, I think.
And I'm not telling you this--
I don't need anybody to feel sorry for me.
I don't need anybody
to do anything special for me. I'm fine.
Uh, I'm just trying to tell you
how I ended up on drugs, okay? So
Yeah.
But yeah, my mother, she just had a tough
You know, she just had you know
Like, you'd think
if something fell out of your vagina,
you'd fucking look it in the eyes.
Not my mother. She's like, "I'm gonna
play hard to get with this toddler."
You know?
"I'm two-stepping around the room
on this little bastard, you feel me?"
And then my grandmother didn't like me.
That's what cooked me, all right?
'Cause usually,
God give you a mother and then they--
You know, that's a free radical there.
Who knows what's going to happen?
But then they give you that backup mother,
that grandmother, you know?
Just tits and biscuits,
that big baby, you know?
And my grandma, she didn't like me, man.
I remember one time,
she got down like this and she said,
"I don't like you."
And then she asked me
to help her stand back up, dude.
Yeah, 'cause she had arthritis.
And those are the women in my life, right?
Like, I don't like-- There's something
I won't connect with you,
but you have to help me, right?
You still owe me just because
I'm superior to you in some way, right?
And again, I'm not trying
to get you to feel sorry for me. I'm fine.
But I am trying to tell you
how I ended up on drugs.
So when I was about, let me see.
When I was about
So when I was about 5, maybe 5 and a half,
my grandmother, she fricking said that
I couldn't come visit her anymore, right?
And she said, this is why.
She said because I ate some chocolates
at her house and I lied about it.
Some chocolates.
And I could have done it.
Look, if I'm a kid, the only thing
I know is chocolates, right?
You know, that's the only thing
that exists, is just you and chocolates.
But she said I couldn't come visit her
for ten years, that was her rule.
Yeah, dude.
You know, that's two life sentences
for my age.
For ten years, man. And my mother said,
"Well, Grandma makes her own rules."
"So those are the rules."
So for ten years,
I couldn't go visit my grandmother
and my siblings could, right?
It's-- It is crazy, bro.
And I know a lot of people
have way crazier stuff in their lives
and more real stuff.
I'm not comparing that.
I'm just telling you what happened
on my little shit journey, right?
So every time summer was coming up,
the whole thing, it would be
I couldn't do something my siblings could.
And it always was this reminder that
something was just wrong with me, right?
That's how I took it. It may not be true,
but that's how I took it, right?
And we still had fun
around the neighborhood on McGee Street.
We had a good time, dude.
And my brother would bring me back
little gifts, man.
My brother's been
He's been the hero of my life, you know?
If you have a brother in the world,
if God gave you a brother,
is there anything
that's greater than that?
And my brother would bring me back stuff.
He would bring me back snickerdoodles
my grandma would make.
He would bring me back
these little roosters pictures
that my grandma would draw.
He would bring
He would These, like,
I'm trying to think what it's called.
Pani
"Pani-Jose."
He would bring these "Pani-Jose"
for my grandmother's, okay?
And it's like-- It's like fake skin,
and you get to look Mexican
for one night only, right?
It's like your legs are Mexican
for one night only, though.
And he would bring it back,
we'd put it on our feet
and pretend a snake was eating us.
Like, "I'm in Australia!"
Anyway, after ten years,
I was finally allowed to go, right?
I was 16 years old.
I was excited.
My grandmother lived
in a small community, beautiful town.
And, uh And in rural Illinois
I went up there,
probably 800 people live in the town.
I went up there.
And the first night I was there,
some of the local children
gave me some LSD.
And I didn't know I was anybody
that ever took drugs until that moment
somebody said, "Here's drugs," and I said,
"Yes, I will have some of that."
And I took it, man, and these kids
took me to a party, you know?
And it was just children being at a party.
And I was a child.
And And at some point in the evening,
I had to urinate, right?
And, uh And I believe in God, you know.
I believe that, uh, God gives us water,
and then he wants it back, right?
And low-key, bro, it's kind of
The fact he wants it back out your wiener
is kind of gay, bro.
And I'm gonna leave-- I respect all
God's magic, but he could get that shit--
He could have it pop out of your elbows.
He could have it fly out of your back and
land in a cool pattern on the concrete.
But the fact he wants you
to get that splash rabbit out
to get his water back, that seems gay.
Anyway, I'm at this party,
I get pinged by the big dog.
He wants to see
a little bit of work, you know?
So I start looking for a place to urinate.
And behind a barn,
I find a Ford Escort vehicle.
And I was raised right near a Ford Escort,
and you can pee in them if you have to.
Don't do a two up in there.
You can piss in them if you need, though.
So I went right up to the back door,
I opened it up, and I just peed in there.
All night I'd go in there
and pee in that thing, brother.
So fast-forward about two hours later,
I gotta get a ride home, okay?
Tight ship!
The only person
who will give me a ride home
is this boy Jason Dominion
and his girlfriend,
and they drove that Ford Escort, bro.
I've done peed in here
about eight times by now, man.
So I sit in the back,
I'm just-- I'm just birdbathing
in my own urine, dude.
I'm just B-bathing in my own
Lord porridge, homey, you know?
And I didn't tell nobody
I'd been pissing in here.
That's the kind of guy I am.
I'll piss in your car all night,
you ain't gotta know shit, cuz.
I might even say,
"Hey, smell a bit like piss back here."
But you ain't gotta know shit, slime.
It's the one back there
that's holding it down
and, uh, just sitting
in my own piss, vibrating.
And, uh
And that LSD starts to flare up, bro.
Yeah!
You forgot I took it, huh?
Me too, dude.
Bro, this shit was homemade, bro.
Somebody made this shit on a grill,
you know?
It had cheese on one side of it.
It comes with cheese on it?
And I knew something was wrong.
I remember I knew something was wrong
because I remembered, uh
I-I-I remembered thinking
that one of my shoulders
was trying to keep a secret from me.
And that's drugs, baby girl. That's drugs.
So I said, "Hey, drop me off a couple
blocks away from my grandmother's."
"I wanna walk off this LSD."
You can't do that, bro.
I don't know what they put in LSD,
but it ain't GPS, all right?
So bro, they dropped me off,
and I'm out there, bro.
I'm fucking out there,
I turned into my worst night--
I'm out in that bitch, cuz,
you know what I'm saying?
Just all arms,
no information in that bitch.
I'm the only thing awake
in this neighborhood.
I'm a land fish, bitch.
You know what I'm saying? I'm out there,
I'm trying on different spines and shit.
Okay? My shadow
is trying to fuck, you know?
Bro, if your shadow
is taking his pants off,
fucking take it to the house, cuz.
So I'm not doing real well.
I get to my grandmother's.
My grandmother
lived in a small home, right?
Two bedrooms.
Just a little bit of home, right?
I go in the guest bedroom,
I lay down, I close my eyes,
and they were still open.
Oh shit, bro.
And I try to close them again,
they wouldn't close, bro.
My eyes was broken.
And I reverted to the last time
I'd been at my grandmother's.
When I was a child. Ten years earlier.
And if-if-if you got scared at night,
you would walk
down their hallway at night.
And my grandparents,
they left their bedroom door open.
You say, "Grandma, I'm scared."
"Can I get in bed with you guys?"
And they would let you lay in there
until your comfort was back up,
until you had as much comfort
as you could have
inside of one person at one time, at once.
So that's what I did, man, 16 years old.
Fucking high on LSD, just
Just playing double Dutch
with nothing, bro, just
I start walking down the hallway.
All these ceramic frogs looking at me.
And that's the motherfucker
that ate the chocolates.
Bro, I get to my grandmother's door.
I say, "Grandma, I'm-- I'm scared."
"Can I get in bed with you
Can I get in bed with you guys?" Okay?
And she said, "Yes," dude.
This woman who'd said no my whole life
said yes at the worst time!
So now I'm laying in bed
between my grandparents, bro.
This is a true story.
Now I'm laying in bed
between my grandparents,
who I barely even know.
Just frying on LSD, dude.
Dude, I remember thinking at one point
which one of my grandparents
was gonna be alive longer
based on their body temperature
at that moment.
So I'm not doing real good, bro.
I'm Edgar Allan Poe-ing, dawg.
They got aortas in the floorboards, homey.
I'm not doing good.
And I laid there for, like,
six minutes or even 44,015 minutes.
I get so scared.
I sit up in my grandmother's bed.
My human grandmother.
I lean over her body.
They had a landline's phone.
I pick it up and I dialed 9-1-1.
Bro
And I hit 9-1, I'm like, "Hello?"
"Thought we'd meet you halfway."
"Part of our new halfway initiative.
Every second saves lives."
I said, "There's somebody
in the basement."
"And it's not me."
Pretty Sawass clues, right?
So they said,
"All right, we'll be right over."
We gonna pull up, right?
So I hang up the phone,
I start laying down, right?
Real quietly.
'Cause sometimes
this is how I am on drugs.
Yeah.
Sometimes on drugs, some things
are loud and some things are quiet.
I just made a call to the police officers
over my living grandmother's body
right in front of me.
I thought she didn't hear it.
So I'm thinking, bro.
I'm trying to lay down real quietly.
'Cause I'm thinking I lay down,
the officers come running in,
create a discursion.
I'm out of here, right?
So I'm laying down quiet as anybody
ever even could lay down, bro.
They see me layin', they hatin'.
Hey, is somebody laying down in there?
I don't hear nobody.
Quietest motherfucker that ever laid down.
Hoping my grandmother
didn't hear me make the call.
My grandmother,
who is two inches away from me
in her own bed that she has slept in
for 30-something years,
sits up and goes,
"There's somebody in the basement?"
And I And I have no idea
what she's talking about, dude.
You ever had an idea?
I didn't have it.
My brain had taken a previous exit, man.
I'm baking future cakes.
I don't know what she's talking about.
I said, "There is?"
Now my grandmother and I
were having a "who's on first"
with "there's somebody in the basement."
And my grandfather's just laying there
like a piece of shit, dude.
Frickin' Ronnie, bro.
Ronnie was our step-grandfather.
But where's our real grandfather, huh?
Missing or deceased.
Ronnie was our step-grandfather.
He was good and bad.
He was Gypsy.
He did it. He did asphalt and and crime.
But he, uh
He had a big heart, I think.
I don't know. I barely knew him, but
You know, he had some wild stuff.
Ronnie, let me think.
Let me get him into my brain.
He used to cut his shirt sleeves off
and make my grandma
wear them at night for good luck.
So he was severely Polish, I think.
And he, uh
What else? Oh, I will say this.
Let me say this, because this was
a very nice thing that he did for us.
He would take a--
He liked them Marlboro cigarettes.
And he would get him a lit one.
And he'd get a little smoking going on it.
You'd be chiefing
that little kid in a little.
And he'd put the lid in under our nose.
He wasn't trying to burn us or nothing.
He'd put it right under our nostrils
right there.
And he'd blow out a little.
He would let us
just
Just inhale that fucking smoke coming out.
And if you've ever been a poor child,
and somebody lets you just inhale
pure cigarette smoke
off the cherry of a lit cigarette.
I mean, it's like
just damn going to Florida, brother.
I'd come back, I'd see somebody
had a shirt on said, "dissed."
And I was like,
"Bitch, that ain't shit, baby."
That shit was nice, bro.
But I'll say this,
Ronnie loved my grandmother,
and I appreciate him for that.
So we're all laying
in my grandmother's bed, right?
And
And we're scared
for different reasons, brother.
We are
I'm 16 years old, high on LSD,
laying in my grandmother's bed
that I haven't seen for ten years, dude!
So anyway, the officers
come into the bedroom.
We're like, "The basement."
Bro, the second they leave, I'm like,
"God, please put a bad person
in the basement."
"Put the worst person ever
in the basement."
"Put him in there now, God."
I knew there was nothing in that bitch.
There was like an ironing board
and some mealworms.
So they came back up and
Anyway, long story short,
my grandmother didn't press charges.
And, uh
And the officer sat with me
in the guest bedroom until I fell asleep.
Yeah, and he didn't touch me or anything.
And I honestly-- I don't care if he did,
to be honest, you know?
Those guys are underpaid, I think, and
If a little bit of hand caffeine
gets him back out on the street,
who-- What?
Who am I to judge, fam?
And in the morning,
my grandmother made me breakfast, right?
And she didn't say a word to me,
and I didn't say a word to her.
And I left that afternoon,
and that was the last time
that I ever saw her.
She died about seven weeks after that.
-Aw!
-I know, I can't even believe that.
So
And guess where they found her at?
Basement, yup.
Called it.
Called that shit.
But no, I'm grateful to her.
She made my mother, you know?
I wouldn't have my mother
if it wasn't for-- I love my mother, so
Yeah, we all got here.
And this is where we are.
Uh, what else?
Yeah, I want to thank you guys
for letting me be a part of your life.
And, uh and I mean that.
Like, I feel like God
has a purpose for us.
And I mean that.
And I know that most of us
want better in the world,
and we're gonna figure out ways to do it.
And so once again,
we-we-we can't rely on the powers that be.
We gotta put it on our own shoulders.
And I think we'll find ways
to do that together.
So I appreciate that. Thank you so much.
You know, it's funny, when I was a child,
that little bus would come and scoop me
because when I got put
in the year five of school,
I got put into, uh,
learning disabled courses.
And a lot of us have been in there
in this community.
And they built
these little outlier buildings
outside of the regular school,
little portable.
Outside, just right in the little
perimeter out there.
People didn't know it was
right outside of the insurance area.
Nobody knew that shit.
Right outside,
in there where it gets real windy,
right out there
on the edge of campus right there.
They put the at-risk children
right out in that bitch, right?
And I remember I got to school
that first day and it said on the door,
it said, "learning disables" on it.
And it was
who it said it was in there, man.
It was. They had gingers in there. Uh
Yeah, spicies, devil's candles.
Whatever you want to call them,
they had them.
Uh, twins.
I don't believe in twins.
You can do whatever you want to do, okay?
I've seen the devil work.
I don't believe in twins, okay?
If y'all are twins, y'all go in the woods,
figure out who the real motherfucker is,
send them back out.
Because I'm sick
of talking to Sean and Matt.
They had gingers, they had twins,
they had asthmatics in there.
But if you can't breathe
this ain't your planet, cuz.
Bye.
They had twins, gingers, asthmatics.
Uh, they had the OGs in there.
They had Down syndrome in there.
Oh yeah, they did, brother.
We had the original Down syndrome dude,
the dude that only looks down, bro.
Bitch, I've been down, I stay down.
We had up syndrome, that dude.
Hollaback Watkins, he was in that bitch.
We had the blind dude with the stick.
Remember that dude?
The bravest guy that God ever made.
Remember that? That dark Gretzky.
Every step, complete darkness.
And he was fearless.
The Lord's Roomba. He was in that bitch.
We had this dude in there,
fucking Inchworm Watson.
He was in there, bro.
Cautious Clay, keeping the world clear
of land mines a half inch at a time.
I'll be there soon.
Well, he was in that bitch.
The first wigga
they'd ever seen in our area.
The first white kid
that wanted to be Black.
They'd never seen it before.
They put him in that bitch.
So you had Down syndrome,
you had up syndrome,
you had bravest blind dude,
you had lean with it, rock with it.
Then you had Brian Perman
just dribbling an invisible basketball
and posting up limp kids in a lunch line.
And we were what it said on the door.
We was learning disabled.
And the teacher wasn't even a teacher.
It was Mr. Gregory that did the bleachers.
I'm like, "Who the fuck is this, bro?"
"This is just the oldest one of us."
He just fucking stayed the longest,
this dawg.
Why is he teaching us in Oakleys?
And I didn't know why I was in there, bro.
I don't know why I was in there.
But I was in there.
And if you knew where I was,
I was, uh-- I was in there.
And, you know, I didn't know
what had happened to me.
If something happened over the summer,
I didn't know what was going on, right?
I didn't know if I got hit by something
or if I'd fall off or something.
Yeah, if I was like undercover boss,
I don't know what the fuck was going on.
And I was afraid to tell my mom
because I knew she'd be mad at me, bro.
She'd be like, "Oh, you're retarded?
How much is that gonna cost us?"
So I was just in there, bro.
And I was doing
pretty good in there, uh, overall.
I was like, you know, top 80th percentile
or whatever for newcomers or whatever.
And, uh
And I was in there for a while.
And one day, my buddy Scotty came through.
Who was still one of my dearest friends.
And he was bringing something
from his teacher to our teacher.
And I was like, "Scotty, it's me."
And he acted like he didn't know me, bro.
I'm like, "Damn, cuz."
"I'm in here deep."
"They can't even see me
out there no more."
And about two weeks later,
a teacher came in.
She had some paperwork on her.
And she goes, "There's been a mistake."
And you saw half the people in that bitch
perked up, bro.
Bro, people that hadn't perked up
in a long time, dude.
Even Down syndrome went mid-syndrome.
And they called out my name, man.
So when I see somebody
that's learning disabled or marginalized,
fucking, hey, I did my time cuz.
And part of you never leaves, baby.
Gang recognize gang, son.
Let's don't let evil win!
Praise God!
You guys be good to yourselves!
Thank you so much, Lexington!
I love you guys!
If I could just get out of Georgia
I might find my way home again
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh
Well, I've lived my life
And I don't care if I die
I'm on a one-way road to glory
And I'll leave all my troubles behind