Thirty Day Princess (1934) Movie Script

- Do I have to?
- Every half hour, Mr. Gresham.
How long have you been
gurgling this brew?
Since I was three months old.
Don't tell me you had the gout
when you were three months old.
- You are Mr. Gresham?
- Yeah.
- The big international banker?
- Not so loud.
We don't boast about
being bankers these days.
- We're all in the dog house.
- What do you do there?
Well, let it pass,
let it pass.
- What line are you in?
- Again, please?
- What do you do for a living?
- For a living? Oh, well, I...
Have you not seen me on
the postage stamps? I am the King.
You know, Anatol XII.
- Oh, Your Majesty...
- Don't get up, don't get up.
- How do you do.
- How do you do.
I admire your great country much,
Mr. Gresham.
I have always wanted to go.
My favorite character, he lives there.
- Who's that?
- Buffalo Bill.
I'm afraid he doesn't live there
Well, we are here today,
and tomorrow where are we?
Search me.
I'm a stranger in these parts.
I find always unbelievable,
Mr. Gresham,
that in your country
the peasants have the electric lights,
the telephone, the hot water.
Sure, Your Majesty.
Only we don't call them peasants there.
If only I could do that for my people.
The hot water.
Well, why don't you?
We are so poor, so very poor.
The electric lights...
Why don't you float a little loan?
I don't see why we couldn't arrange
a bond issue, if it weren't too big.
- You are serious?
- Well, why not?
You have plenty of
natural resources here
and what's more important,
you're an honest people.
That, yes.
It is almost a vice.
Well, it's a pretty good vice
as vices go.
- How much would Your Majesty need?
- 100 million tarondas.
How much is that in 59 cent dollars?
In figures that are round,
less or more...
- $5 million?
- What?
- Impossible. Out of the question.
- I was afraid so.
- How much do you think, perhaps?
- Not a penny less than 50 million.
- Tarondas?
- Dollars.
$50 million?
Why, I couldn't float anything smaller.
They wouldn't take it seriously.
- There's only one trouble.
- I thought there would be.
- We need a front.
- A how?
A front, a showcase.
Someone to make America conscious
that your kingdom exists.
Why, don't they even know that?
Begging Your Majesty's pardon,
most of our people would probably think
it was a mythical kingdom.
- Sometimes I think so myself.
- We love pomp over there.
Uniforms, costumes,
plumes and palaces.
- We love crowns.
- They give me a headache.
You're the man to go to America.
You'd roll them in the aisles.
Of course, you couldn't get away
with anything like this.
I cannot go, anyway. If I went out
they might not let me in again.
They might have a new face
on the postage stamps.
- Is that a fact?
- It's no fun being a king anymore.
Isn't there anyone you could send
in your place?
This is Mr. Gresham, my pet,
the famous American banker.
My daughter,
Catterina Theodora Margherita,
but we call her Zizzi.
She calls me Tony.
How do you do, Mr. Gresham.
Tony, may I have some money
to go to the cinema?
They play an American film
about gangers.
Well, why don't you get Nicholaus
to take you?
Count Nicholaus is
my daughter's fianc.
How many times have I told you,
he is not my fianc.
Oh, well, it has not been
officially announced.
- You see, she does not like him much.
- I do not like him even so little.
Catterina Theodora Margherita!
I know, Tony.
It is for the good of our country.
We need this alliance
with the House of Dohenberg.
It is my duty
as the Crown Princess.
Some day I suppose
I will have to marry him.
Excuse me, Mr. Gresham,
these family matters.
I'm sorry.
Can I have now the money
to go to the cinema?
I must have left my purse
at the baths.
Could I have an advance
of three tarondas on the loan?
That would be... 15 cents.
The perfect front.
"The thieves of Wall Street
are again stalking their prey.
"Gorged with the blood of the poor,
the wolves are howling for more."
Say, how do you like that?
Your father preferred tigers
in that connection.
My father, eh? You've been with us
a long time, Hackett.
30 years with Madison I and Madison II,
and a year with you, Madison III.
Well, let me read you
some more of this.
- Where was I?
- The wolves were howling.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Well, it goes on.
"Beware, Mr. Citizen,
of the Greshams and their kind.
"Beware of foreign bonds that are not
worth the paper they're written on.
"Foreign flypaper,
that's what these bonds are."
Hey, you know,
that's a pretty neat touch there,
that "foreign flypaper,"
don't you think?
I wouldn't know. I encounter
so many neat touches.
Well, this'll put a damper
on Gresham's Taronian bonds.
Are you sure they ought to have
a damper put on them?
Maybe they're good bonds.
No, they couldn't be
with that crook Gresham handling them.
Say, I've been waiting for a chance
to get that big windbag.
Now, spread that across the front page
under my signature.
Get the editorial writers on the job,
and dig up statistics.
You know how to run
a big campaign, don't you?
I made Lincoln free the slaves.
Will you say a few words
to the American public, Princess?
- But surely. In here?
- That's it.
Dear American friends,
forgive me if I speak bad,
as I am not accustomed
to making speeches in English.
But it is with great joy
that I step for the first time
on the soil of your
so beautiful country.
MAN: Get a little nearer
the mike, Princess.
PRINCESS: My country, it is very small,
but also it is very nice.
Here comes the old oil.
We should know each other better.
And the purpose of my visit is
to more strongly cement our friendship.
Sure, cement.
50 million bucks worth.
When I leave,
I hope I will take away with me
the affection
of your so great country.
And the 50 million fish.
It has been a great privilege
to speak to...
MAN: Grab her, quick.
What's the matter? What's the matter?
What's the matter?
What's the matter?
It is nothing.
Only the emotion.
Already for two days,
Her Highness has had a slight fever.
You had me worried there
for a moment.
Do not for an instant be concerned.
We Taronians are strong people.
And steam the society editors
up into making a big splash.
That's right.
Oh, it's nothing to worry about.
- She'll be all right in a month.
- A month? 30 days?
Some months have 31.
Well, we can kiss it goodbye, Baron.
Farewell forever.
You and your strong people!
I will go, me, myself
on the grand tour
and to all the receptacles.
Baron, your legs aren't
the right shape.
What we need is a princess.
In Taronia, we do not
manufacture princesses
like you manufacture
the automobile.
Listen, Doc, not a word
about the mumps.
I've got an idea.
People come in twos in this world
like the animals in the Ark.
There's an old fellow at the club
looks as much like me as I do.
Good-looking man, too.
Fellow used to work for me
was your spitting image.
- Really?
- Yeah, he was a cook. Terrible cook.
Somewhere out there.
Somewhere out there.
From what do you talk?
But how do you find her?
How do you find anybody?
Parker, get me some pictures
of the Princess.
20 profiles and 20 full face.
No, make it 40 profiles
and 40 full face.
GRESHAM: She's a madcap princess, see?
Does strange things.
Now, she's disappeared.
An escapade.
I want her found and brought back
quietly, but I want her brought back.
She'll deny that she's a princess
and she'll deny that she knows me,
but pay no attention. Bring her
back in a bag if you have to.
There's a big bonus.
You fellows get everything clear?
Okay, get busy.
What means?
What means these people?
Her Highness is no escapade.
Little by little
you'll understand, Baron.
There are eight million people
out there.
Somewhere there must be one
who looks enough like...
- You was trying to beat it, yes?
- No, I wasn't.
What you got there?
You doesn't take nothings with you.
It's only my press book.
I was going to a place
where lots of managers eat.
I thought maybe I could get a job.
You got money to eat,
you got money to pay me.
I've only got 17 cents.
You can look.
All right, keep it.
I ain't a blood-sucker.
I wouldn't be after you,
only things are so high right now.
Right now, I'm as high as the gutter.
What did I do?
- Why, of course.
- Hello, Donald.
So I said to Jed,
"I'm an actor, not a clown.
"You can take that part
and stick some cheap ham with it."
- That's telling him.
- Sure.
Say, I wonder if Jed's
filled that part yet?
- Hello, Donald.
- Hello.
- Say, Donald...
- What?
- You couldn't...
- No.
I mean, steer me onto a job,
could you?
- I got rave notices in my last part.
- I saw you in it, my sweet.
- Well?
- Well...
- Princess!
- Princess!
I didn't mean any harm, mister.
Now, you just come along with us.
I didn't do anything,
honest I didn't.
It just opened up by itself.
I didn't bust it.
Somebody else must have
put the nickels in, then forgotten.
He said she'd deny it.
Now, you just come along
with us, Princess.
We'll get in a nice little taxi.
- I was so hungry...
- Yes.
And it looked so good
with all the gravy and everything.
- They've found another princess.
- How many does that make?
counting the cross-eyed girl.
Well, bring her in anyway.
We'll have a look at her.
Yes, sir.
Your Highness.
Okay boys. Nice work.
It's uncanny.
The King himself couldn't
tell them apart.
Is this a break?
- You're the Princess.
- Princess?
- Sure. You're the new Princess.
- Oh, sure. Sure.
Now, wait a minute.
You don't understand.
Oh, yes, I do. I understand all right.
I'm the Princess.
- What do you think I am, a lunatic?
- Of course not.
- Anybody could tell you're Napoleon.
- Now, listen.
All this seems crazy to you,
I know. Later, I'll make it all clear.
In the meantime,
how'd you like to make $10,000?
Mister, I won't conceal it from you.
I would like to make $10,000.
In fact, I'd like to make $1,000.
Even $10 wouldn't be beneath me.
Good! Now, let's get down
to business. Sit down.
- What's your name?
- Nancy Lane.
- What do you do?
- I'm an actress.
And have I got a part for you.
- A part?
- And what a part!
- You've got a funny way of casting.
- Now listen, my child.
- Your name is not Nancy Lane.
- Well, fancy my mother's mistake.
And furthermore,
you're not an actress.
You are the Princess
Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.
- You know, she just arrived.
- I see.
What do I do, double for her
in the dangerous scenes?
You double for her in everything.
The Princess is in bed with the mumps.
It is necessary for the Princess
to appear in public.
You look exactly like her.
Like her to the very last eyelash.
You will be the Princess.
- Who gets gypped?
- Nobody.
Come clean, mister, if you want me
to even think of playing.
- What are the royal mumps to you?
- Here it is. I'm a banker.
I'm floating a $50 million bond issue
for Taronia.
There's not a chance
of unloading them
without a personal ballyhoo
by the Princess.
And she can't ballyhoo
with the mumps.
She won't be able to leave her room
for a month.
Now, what else do you want to know?
These bonds. Are they phony?
They are not. They're a good,
conservative investment.
- I'll prove that to you.
- You'll have to.
- But it's a daffy idea, anyway.
- Well, you can pull it off.
- Nobody'll suspect.
- Nobody, eh?
How about the gang
that came with the Princess?
They've got to keep
their mouths shut and so must you.
Don't worry about that,
if I take the part.
Well, will you?
If I can get through
one dress rehearsal.
But, my dear friend,
we are on a wild goose egg.
We come to the end.
You're wrong.
We come to the beginning, Baron.
Please, Your Highness.
But, Your Highness, you have
this illness. I am of a responsibility.
You must be in bed
with many doctors.
- You know the Princess pretty well?
- I know her like a mother.
- Then take a closer look, Baron.
- I do not understand.
Your Highness, it is the fever.
Or what is it that it is?
I quiver.
I am all of a bewilderment.
You mean you have found
this young lady?
I told you that among
eight million people
there would be Miss Nancy Lane,
who, for the next 30 days, is going
to be the Crown Princess of Taronia.
It is true, she is like twins.
But impossible.
Oh, so very utterly impossible!
No Princess, no bonds.
First of all, you've got
to square it with the mob.
Ladies-in-waiting and the whole shebang.
Now, make them play ball with us.
But I do not feel like playing ball.
Who are you?
You are not a Taronian.
You forget yourself, Baron.
What girl wouldn't want to be
a princess for 30 days?
What actress wouldn't want
to play the part? And for $10,000.
I'd have done it for nine.
NANCY: I am the Crown Princess
Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.
No, no, that is no good.
Besides, not "I am,"
"We are."
We are the Crown Princess
Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.
No, no, the accent,
it is not yet good.
We are the Crown Princess
Catterina Theodora Margherita of Taronia.
That is more
like the Princess speaks.
Now, you remember
who your grandfather was?
Big Bill Lane.
Big Bill Lane, no.
- Anatol XI.
- Anatol XI.
- And your great-grandfather?
- Anatol XII.
No, no, no.
It goes, how you call, smaller...
Oh, yes, darn it. Anatol X.
- And your great-great-grandfather?
- Anatol IX.
- And your great-great-great-grandfather?
- Anatol VIII.
No, no, no.
Venceslaus VI.
Oh, why did he have to come along
and spoil everything?
Here's the stuff about
the Princess' arrival.
They gave us a good send-off.
But this is marvelous.
You don't look so hot
in that one, Baron.
Oh, don't I look sweet there?
- But that is not you.
- That's right. I forgot.
Oh, I'm a wolf, am I?
A wolf gorged
with the blood of the poor, eh?
Well, I'll go right over there
and punch him in the nose.
- Where's my hat?
- What's the matter?
- I'll make him eat his words.
- Who? What do you mean?
Mr. Porter Madison.
I'll break him in two! Where's my hat?
Oh, one bad notice in six.
It's still a hit.
Where's my hat?
Say, this is part of what
you're supposed to do.
Your job's to vamp
the American public, isn't it?
My girlish laughter
is dedicated to it.
Good. Then start with
Mr. Porter Madison.
He's trying to kill the bond issue.
You can make him lay off.
- You mean vamp him?
- Yes.
I'll try it.
There's an extra 5,000 in it
for you if you can.
I'd have done it for four.
"I should regret having to inform
Her Highness that you are ashamed
"to come after your unwarranted attack
on the Taronian bond issue."
Ashamed, huh?
He thought that'd get me.
Well, it does.
- You mean you're going?
- Why not?
Think I'd let that horse thief
bluff me?
Suit yourself, but don't let her shake
that sturdy Americanism of yours.
Swell chance. Listen,
get a spread set for tomorrow
comparing the Princess
unfavorably with our shop girls
as to style, dress, bearing, beauty,
intelligence and, oh, everything.
Brave words, but I know
a lot of guys who go to Europe
with one 100% American chips
on their shoulders
and finish up with calluses
on their knees
from scraping before thrones.
There's something
about those royalties that...
Mr. and Mrs. Raymond Pfeifer.
Your Royal Highness,
will you pardon me a moment, please?
- Hello, Madison.
- Hello, Gresham.
Your Royal Highness, may I be permitted
to present one of our most brilliant
young newspaper owners,
Mr. Porter Madison III.
How do you do, Mr. Madison III.
I have always wanted to meet you.
Why, thank you, Your Highness.
Your newspaper,
it is not unknown in Taronia.
I remember one day
His Majesty say something about you.
- I forget what he say.
- Really?
Oh, yes, we know of the good work
you are doing for the people.
Is that a fact?
- Your Highness.
- I mean, Your Highness.
Oh, if the "highness" bothers you,
you may call me "ma'am."
- Ma'am?
- Oh, yes.
You may dispense
with the formal salutation.
- Would you like to call me ma'am?
- Yes, ma'am.
And now, if you will lead me
to the champagne, Mr. Madison.
We are somewhat of,
how you call, a thirst.
- Very good, Your Highness.
- Ma'am.
Yes, ma'am.
The fathead thinks he's making a hit.
I say, Gresham,
that's a marvelous collection
of crystal glasses you have there.
It ought to be.
It set me back $18,000.
I've been waiting
for an occasion to use it.
- Oh, what pretty glasses.
- Yes.
To that so charming gentleman
and patriot,
your father, King Anatol XII.
And now, to that so charming gentleman
and patriot, my grandfather,
King Anatol XI.
And now to my great-grandfather,
Anatol X.
Are there anymore Anatols
we can drink to?
- There must have been an Anatol I.
- ALL: Hooray!
No more glasses.
NANCY: Oh, let them get some more.
Anatol I was just as good
as the rest of them.
Very well, Your Royal Highness.
- In the meanwhile, let us dance.
- Yes, ma'am.
Tell me, do all Americans
dance so badly as you?
What do you mean?
Couldn't you come a little closer?
- Princess, I take it all back.
- Back? What do you take back?
Never mind.
Oh, ma'am, you're marvelous.
And you are not,
like you Americans say,
so lousy yourself.
- The fun, it is over.
- Over?
From now on, I must go around
in your romantic city
with a lot of old men
in high hats.
Maybe I'm too bold,
but couldn't it be arranged so that...
- What?
- So that I would show you the city?
It's a lovely idea, Mr. Madison III.
Here's your blast.
"The dowdy Princess versus
the American shop girl."
Can't dance, can't dress,
awkward, uninteresting.
Cheap! Noisy! Vulgar!
Didn't you tell me?
You misunderstood me.
It's positively indecent.
- It's what?
- Indecent.
Why, a Princess travels 4,000 miles
out of respect to our country,
and you say she waddles.
Say, pull up your trousers,
will you?
I just want to see if you have
any calluses on your knees.
Cut that down to a column,
stick it back in the second section,
and change that headline.
How'll I make it read?
"Sight of royalty too much
for Madison III?"
Suppose I throw out
the yarn altogether?
Now that's a good idea.
After all, this is not a scandal sheet.
That's news.
Do as I say.
How about the Taronian bonds?
They got ribbons in their hair now, too?
No, no, I don't want you to boost them.
We've got to protect the American public.
On behalf of the public,
I thank you!
I like your so strange city
very much, Mr. Madison.
Even the poor people
live so nicely here.
All these new tenements were started
through a campaign in my paper.
Then why is it that your paper says
the bonds of Taronia are no good?
Well, what's that got to do with...
That is what my father wants
to do with the money.
Make the living nice
for the poor people.
"Automat"? What is automat?
You put nickels in a slot
and food comes out.
- No.
- Yes, Your Highness.
Tonight, I find the country
I have looked for on the map
ever since I was a child.
- What country?
- Fairyland.
Where there are stars
above you and stars below.
It is lovely, this New York.
New York says the same
about you.
- New York say what?
- That you are lovely.
Have you the right to speak
for the whole big city?
I have the right to speak for myself,
or have I, Your Highness?
We give you the right.
And I like you to think
I am lovely.
It is you that makes me think
New York is so nice.
Do you mean it?
In Taronia, what we mean we say,
what we say we mean.
More, please.
It is nice here. It is a nice...
How you call, hot spot.
And you are nice.
You are more nice every day
I've been with you.
I hadn't any idea
a princess would be like you.
I hadn't either. I mean, I did not know
a princess could be so happy.
Oh, look, look!
Do you get homesick
for Taronia sometimes?
A little.
The trava is lovely in the spring.
- It can't be so lovely this spring.
- It's always lovely.
The trava is what you call
the country.
Do you go sometimes to the country?
Yes. I'm crazy about hunting.
Do you ever hunt, Your Highness?
Yes, I've spent most of my life
hunting for jobbies.
I've never heard of them.
What is a jobbie?
A rare animal.
Very hard to find in America.
- Well, what's the matter?
- Nothing.
I remembered something funny which
happened to me when I was hunting once.
I set a trap for something
and got caught in it myself.
You are young and rich.
In my country, by now you would
be married and have seven children.
- I don't suppose I'll ever marry.
- But why?
Can't tell you.
Did somebody break your heart?
Someone is going to.
It is just the glamour
of the title.
- Oh, no.
- Oh, yes.
You must not think
it is anything else, please.
Can't help it, Your Highness.
I'm sorry
these things should be impossible.
Is it impossible only because
of the gulf between us,
or is there another? A man.
Someone of your own class?
There is no other.
Hello, kid!
Say, is that dame trying to ritz me,
or something?
Hello, babe, how's tricks?
He is, how you call,
a little boiled, yes?
Well, he'd better be careful.
Give them new rags
and a yard of glass
and right away they give you
the high nose.
- Hooey to you.
- Donald, please.
Get away from here!
You got a sugar papa, eh?
Gentlemen! Gentlemen!
Not here!
I'll never forgive myself for getting
Your Highness into a jam like that.
- It was unpardonable.
- Oh, you could not help it.
I started it.
I would not so much like you
if you had not.
You know you're pretty swell
for a princess.
Oh, I didn't mean...
Oh, your poor eye.
- Never should have done that.
- No.
That was worse than
what I did in the restaurant.
I want you to like me
and I do things to make you hate me.
You certainly do.
- Well, good night, Your Highness.
- Good night.
Oh, Your Highness...
Good night.
Mr. Madison...
You may kiss our hand.
Your Highness.
You may kiss our lips.
Your Highness.
You may come to tea tomorrow.
Your Highness.
- Good night, Mr. Madison.
- Good night, Your Highness.
Anything doing inside, my good man?
Nothing but a guy that had
a brawl over at Gaston's.
Can't use. What I seek is
a good milk-fed murder.
Make any difference
if the corpse is a reporter?
Say, I came across a pip
the other day.
A woman strangled eight husbands
with the skins of the others.
- When did that happen?
- In the 16th century.
Well, it got to you quicker
than most things do.
And this guy walks up to me
without any reason at all
and hits me in the nose.
I want him pinched
for assault and battery.
And then I'm going to sue him.
- What was the party's name that hit you?
- I don't know.
- But, we can find out through the girl.
- What's her name?
Nancy Lane, an actress.
She has a room over on 45th Street.
- Oh, Tim.
- Yes, sir.
Go over with this guy
and locate that dame.
Thanks, Sergeant.
Hey, I'll go with you.
This is the residence
of a party called Nancy Lane?
I knew it, Officer.
I knew something terrible would happen
ever since she left.
I didn't throw her out
with only 17 cents.
Honest, I didn't.
I just warned her.
Where did she do herself in?
- Hey, you. The party croaked herself.
- Now, we're getting someplace.
She croaked herself?
When did she do it?
When did she do it?
That's what I'm asking you.
What's going on here?
You answer me "yes" or "no."
- Where is she?
- Who?
The party we're looking for!
Nancy whatever-it-is.
But, I've been telling you,
she vanished.
- Who vanished?
- The missing girl!
- But, I saw her last night.
- Shut up! I'll come to you later.
Now, give me a description
of the corpse.
EDITOR: Hello.
- Who did the fresco on you?
- I ran into a door.
Things are sure getting tough.
You can't go anywhere nowadays
without having a door walk up
and bust you in the eye.
Let me see that proof.
More hogwash. I asked you
to investigate those Taronian bonds,
not turn handsprings
over them.
"The wolves are gorging themselves
with the blood of the poor."
I know, I know.
But, Taronia's entitled to a break.
It's an honest little country.
Ever been there?
What for? I haven't been
as far as Pittsburgh yet.
Well, it's a beautiful country.
You should see the trava
in the spring.
Now that the wolves are playing
post-office with the poor,
what'll I put on the front page?
Would you like a nice eight-column
banner on how the little birdies
are making their nesties
up in the Bronx?
Didn't anything happen
in the whole world yesterday?
Haven't you got anything from Washington
with a lot of new initials?
Well, there was a little brawl
over at Gaston's.
Want to make anything of it?
How many times have I told you
this isn't a scandal sheet?
- How many reporters are working here?
- About a quarter of them.
Here's a flash on a girl disappearing.
Nancy Lane or something.
All right, use that.
She was kidnapped.
- Was she?
- She might have been.
"Beauty Vanishes.
Kidnappers Feared."
What more do you want?
Go on, give it the works.
NEWSBOY: Extra! Extra!
Hey, extra paper! All about
the missing girl here! Paper!
Hey, extra! Latest kidnapping case!
Extra! Paper! Hey, extra!
Read all about it!
The latest kidnapping! Paper!
Hey, extra paper!
NANCY: I didn't know I lost it.
GRESHAM: You didn't know you lost it.
Of course, you didn't know.
You don't know anything.
What did you go there for
in the first place?
You told me to vamp him.
I'm sorry.
Vamp him, yes,
but I didn't tell you to...
Say, listen,
you haven't fallen for that guy?
- Of course not.
- Well, I hope not.
One word from you to anyone,
especially to Porter Madison,
I'm a ruined man.
Now remember, I'm relying
upon you never to say a word.
Don't worry. I told you
I'd never squeal under any condition.
But, if you think I'm falling down
on the job, I'll quit.
You'll quit? You get into a mess
that might queer the whole deal and...
How could it?
Here's the Princess' vanity case
and there's a picture of Nancy Lane.
Suppose they put the two together?
Well, I got you into this mess.
I'll get you out of it somehow.
You've done enough.
There's nothing left to do but pray.
KIRK: So I went
from the police station
to the place where she lived
and I found it in her room.
I'm telling you
it's the biggest story of the year.
- No, it's not possible. It's a joke.
- Sure, but who on?
This is preposterous.
Don't you understand?
I dined with her. I danced with her. I...
She couldn't fool me.
I know a princess when I see one,
don't I? Don't I?
Besides, who came in on the boat?
Answer me that.
She might've got on at quarantine.
That's been done before.
- That's the dame.
- Yes, and let me tell you something.
If I thought it were, I'd not only
expose her, I'd land her in jail.
You know how I stand on phonies.
But it just happens
she is not the girl, Mr. Wise Guy.
What do you want?
I'm just bringing in your lunch.
Well, hurry up about it.
Yes, sir, but you don't want to eat
when you're feeling like that.
You might get indigestion.
- She's outside.
- MADISON: Who is?
The missing girl. Nancy Lane.
- Who?
- Bring her in, bring her in.
I read in your paper
they was looking for me.
Say, do I look as much
like a ghost as all that?
You remind me of someone
I know.
Come in.
- Where have you been?
- In the subway.
In the subway?
Yeah, I was broke
and it's warm in the subway.
- Are you hungry?
- Well...
- Well, try a little of that.
- Oh, gee.
Don't eat too fast. You know,
when you haven't eaten in some time...
I'll be all right.
And now we must do something
about some money for you.
- I'll be all right.
- Don't be foolish.
We always pay for beats
and this is a hummer.
"Star-Express finds missing girl."
- Get me $500, will you?
- Oh, gee, mister, I couldn't take it.
Of course, you'll take it. And now
what are you going to do with it?
I'm going home, back to Idaho,
back to the farm.
I guess I never should've left it.
You're a very sensible girl.
I'll tell you a joke.
He thought you were the Princess.
- The what?
- Never mind.
Here's your money
and good luck to you, my dear.
I hope you find everything
all right down on the farm.
I don't know what to say.
Gee, thanks.
I'll send you a postcard. Thanks.
My reporters are even
going blind on me.
It's the same girl.
Listen, Boss, I'm on the level.
This is the biggest story in years!
- Let me go after it.
- Go ahead.
What can you do
with a man like that?
- And if you're right...
- If I'm right, what?
- I'll make you managing editor.
- Since when is that a reward?
- And you could even have my office.
- Done over in paneled walnut?
You can have it in paneled peanut,
if you like.
You may kiss our hand.
You know, the funniest thing
happened today.
A poor little girl came into my office
and one of my reporters
thought it was you.
How funny.
Zizzi. Oh, Zizzi.
He say, he suffer great loneliness
since from Taronia she depart.
He get pain in the heart.
He commence to pine himself away.
Royal Highness,
you are surprised, no,
that your fianc, Nicholaus,
is here?
Nicholaus, listen to me.
While in America, we speak
only English, sweetheart.
Only English, you understand?
It gives us opportunity
for practice.
I speak English so bad. How can we be,
how you say, intimate?
We won't be, Nicholaus.
We just won't be.
I have made up my mind,
and you know how I am
when I make up the mind.
It is no use, Nicholaus.
I pretend I do not understand you.
This is terrible.
This is fantastic.
That's a good word for it.
Goodbye, Your Highness.
I'm sorry I shan't be able
to stay for tea.
- But, Mr. Madison...
- It was nice to have met you. Goodbye.
NANCY: But, Porter...
Oh, shut up.
Who is that young whippersnapper?
To speak sincerely,
I don't like his face.
You don't like his face?
Well, I don't like yours, sourpuss.
Zizzi. Zizzi.
- Sourpuss? What mean sourpuss?
- Who are you?
Me? I'm Sourpuss.
Your Highness.
You are not very gracious.
I don't understand
why you came after...
After you ran away this afternoon?
No. After once telling me
there wasn't another man,
when all the time
you were engaged to...
You will not believe me,
but Nicholaus means so little in my life
that when you ask me about him,
I forget.
Yes, he do not exist then because
I was thinking only of you.
And now you know why I came here.
To tell you that.
So I can go.
I'm happy now.
I'm not.
Well, I'm not either,
now that I think of it.
Don't tell me that in this day and age
you're going to sacrifice your happiness
for one of those
state marriages?
Zizzi, I love you.
Ever since the first night I met you.
- Me, too.
- Really?
- Of course.
- Then let's run away.
Let's live our lives.
We only get one chance at happiness.
I know, but I can't do it.
It wouldn't be fair to you.
- How silly.
- No, it isn't.
Don't you see? If I give up my title,
I would be nothing.
You would still be
Porter Madison III.
You wouldn't want
to marry beneath you.
- Darling, I love you.
- And I love you.
- No, please.
- Yes, please.
No, no. I might forget
that I'm a princess.
- I might remember that I...
- That you love me?
Yes, that I remember,
but also I might remember...
Porter, there's something
I've got to tell you.
Tell me only one thing.
That you love me.
No, no. There's something else.
There is.
You don't understand,
and I don't think you would understand.
Try me.
You see...
Oh, my dear. Everything in me
wants to tell you.
Everything in me that loves you
wants you to know.
But, I haven't the right.
- What's all this mystery?
- I should tell you, but I mustn't.
Only this I have told you
and can tell you.
I do love you.
Believe that.
No matter how crazy I talk.
Believe that I love you.
- Are you positive?
- What do you mean, am I positive?
She was the maid who walked in
on the love scene
that I played every night
for eight weeks.
I played a love scene
with a maid every night
for eight months,
and still I was wrong.
Dear friends from New York, I say now,
how you call? Fare thee well.
I thank you again for the courtesy
and friendship you show me
during my stay
in your beautiful city.
What's the big idea?
Is he coming with us?
Over my dead body.
Don't be foolish.
Go on with your speech.
Over my dead body.
And it is with deepest regret
that I depart now
to visit the residue
of your great country.
Over my dead body.
- What do you think you're doing?
- Maybe we see a buffalo.
I need a specimen for my collection.
My collection is really superb now.
I'll bet.
Just before I come over
I shoot some beautiful boars.
- Boars?
- Yes.
- It's lots of fun shooting boars.
- It must be.
- Now listen, Your Highness...
- I tell you, over my dead body.
But, listen...
It's easy for you to talk.
You're not going on this trip.
I'm telling you, one of us gets off.
Listen, I got a great idea.
Come on.
- You're Count Nicholaus, aren't you?
- Yes.
- The Princess' fianc?
- Yes.
Is there something I can do for you,
Well, we're reporters.
We want to interview you.
- Yes?
- Yes.
- Yes.
- Come, take a seat for yourself.
Have you found that America
has changed the Princess?
- Yes, I have.
- In what way?
In lots of ways. Her voice.
It is not quite the same.
She acts different.
Of course, she never liked me much.
But she never threw me
off no trains.
Well, maybe she's not the same girl.
Maybe she isn't the Princess at all.
Maybe she isn't.
She couldn't be an impostor?
Certainly. That's just what she is.
An impostor.
You knew it all the time.
Didn't you, Count?
But, where is Zizzi?
Say, what happened to that woman
who was kidnapped in Kansas City?
- She's still being held for ransom.
- That's it.
She's being held for ransom.
She's kidnapped.
- This is unspeakable.
- It is. It is.
But, why don't they arrest
the impostor?
Well, maybe they have no proof.
- Can you get the proof?
- Why should we get the proof?
- It isn't our affair.
- But it is my affair.
I shall get the proof.
But where?
- You might try in her room.
- Don't desert me. Assist me.
If he finds anything,
Gresham will pay plenty.
- Nothing. Absolutely nothing.
- What's that?
When I flip off that chair,
I catch myself onto this.
Not that. That.
Nancy Lane's press book!
- Count, you're some sleuth.
- Sleuth? What means a sleuth?
Let's get out of here.
- What more do you want?
- I'll take a pineapple sundae, please.
You get it.
Now listen, Count, you couldn't want
any better proof than this.
That's right.
Don't forget the nuts.
Now that we've got it,
what are we going to do with it?
Will you sign a paper saying
that she isn't the real Princess?
- Certainly, but it doesn't do any good.
- Why?
They laugh.
Whenever I say something serious,
people laugh. I don't know why.
Thank you.
But, where is the cherry?
I'll get it, Count.
I'll get it.
To serve a sundae without a cherry
is simply stupidity itself.
Yeah, sure.
Imagine having to eat a sundae
with straws. Such service.
What we need is somebody
they won't laugh at.
You can get somebody
they won't laugh at.
Not in my family.
But, yes, of course.
I want Taronia. One-one-one.
What? $64.25?
Come in.
Well, I guess you're glad
to be back from the tour.
Yes. Playing the Princess isn't all
I thought it was going to be.
I'm glad the show's over tonight.
But I've got a big scene
saved for the end.
- Yes, I know. The farewell reception.
- That's only the setting.
- See this?
- What is it?
The payoff for Porter Madison.
This, my dear, is the badge
of the Imperial Potentate of the Sons
and Daughters of the African Star.
I had the Harlem lodges
comb for it.
What are you going to do
with it?
I'm going to have you pin it
on Mr. Madison III tonight,
for his devoted services
to Your Royal Highness.
- Is that part of our deal?
- Part of it? It's the climax.
And will I have the laugh on him.
Her Highness would like to see
Your Highness.
Who? Oh, yes, of course.
I'd love to see her.
Come in.
But you do, you really do.
I'm so glad you're fully recovered,
Your Highness.
Sit down, Miss Lane.
- Or may I call you Nancy?
- I hope you will, Your Highness.
Then you must call me Zizzi.
Formality under the circumstances
would be slightly ridiculous,
is it not?
I hear that all of America
has fallen in love with you.
Since I see you, I can understand it.
Or do I compliment myself?
- I think you're terribly good-looking.
- Aren't you boasting, perhaps?
Do you like being Princess?
Of course.
But, I'm glad it's almost over.
Naturally. You are lucky.
For me it is never over.
- You have seen Nicholaus?
- Oh, yes.
- Can you imagine?
- Terrible. Just too terrible.
It is for the good of the country.
And, oh, my dear,
there is such a nice young man.
If only you could see him.
Tall, dark, with burning black eyes,
a mouth like a pomegranate
and strong white teeth.
Just the contrary from Nicholaus.
- Have you really got to marry him?
- I suppose so.
What a lucky girl you are.
You marry anyone you like.
- What's the matter?
- I can't. I can't any more than you can.
Why not?
Tell me about it, dear.
Well, you see...
We fell in love,
but he thinks that I'm you.
Oh, you poor child.
- One night in his apartment...
- I went to his apartment?
- Yes. I'm terribly sorry, Your Highness.
- But I'm delighted.
I've always wanted to go to
a man's apartment. Now I've been.
- Tell me, was he in pajamas?
- Yes, Your Highness.
In a red dressing gown
with silk collar and cuffs?
- No, it was blue.
- That's close enough.
But this is marvelous.
- Tell me, is he tall?
- Very.
I'm going to weep.
Has he strong white teeth?
They look strong.
And his mouth is firm
and red like a pomegranate?
- Well, yes.
- He kisses well, of course?
Well, doesn't he? Don't tell me
he was such a fool as not to?
Oh, you lucky girl.
And I. Nicholaus.
But you're crying.
As if it isn't bad enough
to lose him,
now I've got to pin a false decoration
on him and make a fool of him.
He'll never forgive me now.
- Why should you? Whose idea is that?
- Mr. Gresham's.
He has a personal grudge against him
and wants to have the laugh on him.
Oh, he does?
He wants you to decorate him
with a false order in my name?
Stop crying. Listen to me. Tonight,
a few minutes before the ceremony...
Her Royal Highness,
Catterina Theodora Margherita.
The Crown Princess of Taronia.
Your Royal Highness,
I am pleased to announce
that the bond issue
has been over-subscribed.
And now, before we bid farewell
to our American friends,
we desire to show our gratitude
to two great Americans.
Mr. Porter Madison III
and Mr. Richard M. Gresham,
by honoring them with the highest orders
it is in our power to bestow.
The King must have arranged
that on the quiet.
This is going to be even richer
than I planned.
- Mr. Gresham.
- Your Royal Highness.
For your great financial
services to Taronia,
I take pleasure
in bestowing upon you
the order of Carlos Magnus
of the Third Class.
Will you come forward?
No, no, the other one. Not that one.
The little one. That one's for him.
Yes, it is beautiful, isn't it?
- And very becoming, too.
- What's the big idea?
You have earned it.
Mr. Madison, will you step forward?
For your devoted service to our person,
as the representative of Taronia,
we take great pleasure
in bestowing upon you
the Gold Cross of Taronia,
First Class.
Just a minute, ladies and gentlemen.
Just a minute.
Better keep him here
until I call you.
What is the meaning of this, Nicholaus?
Why are you interrupting?
Who are you to call me Nicholaus?
What do you mean
by crashing in here like this?
I mean that she is none other
than Nancy Lane, the missing girl,
and I can prove it. Spotty!
Open the curtains.
Where is my daughter?
- Who are you? Where is my daughter?
- Who am I? But, Tony...
You bring me 4,000 miles with crazy talk
about kidnappings and ransoms.
My daughter never liked you.
Now I do not like you, either.
You cannot marry her.
Get out. You, you...
So you're the guy that told me
she was Nancy Lane.
That's right.
In the name of Anatol the Fearless,
I decorate you.
Maybe I'm going mad,
but who are you?
Kirk was right.
- About him I do not know, but...
- But I do know I've been made a fool of.
Is it to be made a fool of
to find oneself in love?
- Yeah, with a cheap little fraud.
- A nice girl.
- She lied to me.
- For me.
She loves you, Mr. Madison.
If I were you, I would be, oh, so happy.
Yes, happy. Because things have
come out like they have come out.
Because, you see, I am going back
to Taronia tomorrow,
and even if I loved you
like she loves you,
still I would have to go back to Taronia,
and never, never you would see me again.
You needn't try to be kind,
Your Highness.
Aren't you going to her?
- What are you going to do now?
- Try to forget the Princess of Taronia.
- My car, please.
- Yes, sir.
And so, young lady, here's your check,
the $5,000 bonus included.
Thank you.
I hope I haven't been too difficult.
Difficult? You're the grandest
little sport I ever ran into.
I know what you've been up against,
my dear,
but you played square to the hilt.
If I were 20 years younger,
I'd show Madison what a fool
he is for not coming after you.
I'd marry you, darned if I wouldn't.
It's extraordinary
how much you look like Zizzi.
Tell me, have you royal blood
in your veins?
- I don't think so, Your Majesty.
- Well, my dear. You never can tell.
Now, if you ever come to Taronia,
you must come and see me.
- Anyone can tell you where I live.
- Thank you, Your Majesty.
- So you fooled me?
- I suppose so.
You're Nancy Lane.
- You eat with your knife.
- Sometimes.
You dunk your bread in your gravy,
with butter on it.
If the part calls for it.
I suppose you were paid
to make love to me.
That was the idea.
To vamp me out of exposing
that rotten loan.
It isn't a rotten loan.
Pretty proud of yourself,
aren't you?
Made a fine sap out of me,
didn't you?
That wasn't hard.
All men are saps.
- But I'm the sappiest.
- I've seen worse.
"Springtime on the trava.
Good old trava.
"You may kiss our hand."
- Well, didn't you like it?
- Now, what's that got to do with it?
- You kissed my lips, too.
- What of it?
- Wasn't it nice?
- You think so?
- Didn't you?
- That has nothing to do with the case.
What're you going to do now,
find another sucker?
I'm going to hunt for a jobbie.
Didn't they pay you enough?
Why don't you take a trip
around the world or something?
Why? I'll tell you why.
- You see that?
- Yes.
- Hey, what's the idea?
- The idea is that I'm the sucker.
- The what?
- The sucker.
The sucker who fell
for the fall guy.
Maybe you didn't like kissing me,
but I liked kissing you,
and I've cried myself to sleep
every night since,
because I knew
it couldn't lead to anything.
I fell for you the first night
I met you. You big sap.
I loved you just as you were.
You didn't need any titles
as far as I was concerned.
You could have been a hoofer
or a counter man down at the beanery,
or a guy out of work.
- But, Nancy...
- You said all you had to say.
I tore that up because
I'm strictly an amateur, see?
Wait a minute.
Here! Here's your 500.
- Go buy yourself a farm in Idaho.
- But, Nancy...
Shut up. I don't want money
from you or anybody else.
- I wouldn't marry you...
- Who asked you to?
Well, you thought about it plenty.
You and your seven children.
- That was your idea, not mine.
- Oh, go away!
- Go away.
- But I'm trying to tell you I love you.
- I despise you, you big boob.
- No, you don't.
Yes, I do. I do. I do.