Those Fantastic Flying Fools (1967) Movie Script

The queen, God bless her.
Queen Victoria, the symbol of her age.
An age of progress, beauty and virtue.
An age when science blossomed
like a magic flower.
And all mankind fell beneath its spell.
To this generation, all
things seemed possible.
The scientist and the engineer
were personally encouraged by royalty,
and at the forefront of every
experiment were the nobility.
Men like his grace, the Duke of Barset.
As it is men like our beloved cousin,
the Duke of Barset, who have done so much
to encourage the advancement of science,
thereby enriching the
daily life of our subjects
throughout the empire, and so,
before pulling this main switch,
we would like to congratulate him
on becoming the first man
to illuminate this house
completely by electricity.
Fired by enthusiasm,
Victorians probed ever deeper
into the mysteries of science,
and thereby achieved
miracles of engineering.
The Trent Suspension Bridge,
crowning glory in the career
of that great civil engineer,
Sir Charles Dillworthy.
And so it gives us the greatest pleasure
to open this new suspension bridge,
the Trent, to be designed and constructed
by Sir Charles Dillworthy.
An age of experiment,
of trial and error,
and at this hour of trial,
Sir Charles Dillworthy
realized his error.
His business partner, Captain
Sir Harry Washington Smythe,
public works contractor,
financial genius, sportsman.
How exactly does it work?
It's quite simple, Captain, really.
Electro-magnetic bars in each pocket.
You merely switch on, with
your selector switch here,
which pocket you want, and you play.
Not with those, Captain.
Centers of solid steel.
Ah hah!
By jove Grundle, it's an actual corker!
I mean one can't possibly lose.
And the patent is yours, Captain,
for the trifling sum of 50 guineas.
My dear fellow, you will
have my personal check.
In that case, I shall offer
it to the Marquis of Angleby.
Grundle, I'll tell you what,
how about my solid gold watch?
Not all the applications of science
brought such obvious rewards to mankind.
Applied to less peaceful ends,
it resulted in the development of new
and ever more terrible weapons of war.
Professor Sigfried von Bulow,
explosives expert to the Kaiser.
Your Imperial Majesty, I would like to
demonstrate for you
now, the cannon helmet.
With aid of this helmet,
every infantry man
is converted into a piece
of mobile artillery.
Thanks to science,
man's vision of the future
was clear and optimistic,
and nowhere was optimism
more apparent than America.
The New York office of the
great Phineas T. Barnum,
great showman, great optimist.
Congratulations gentlemen, by joining me
in this new venture, you've ensured
for each and every one
of us a brilliant future.
We are deeply indebted
to you, Mr. Barnum.
Oh no, no, no, don't thank me.
I want you to share
with me in the benefits
of this great new enterprise,
and it will be truly great
my friends, not just an American show,
not merely the greatest
attraction in the civilized world,
but a truly terrestrial attraction,
the greatest show on earth!
Mr. Barnum.
What in the name of
tarnation is that contraption?
That, sir, is a teleprinter,
connected directly with my
manager's office in Philadelphia.
By means of that machine he will
keep us informed of our progress.
to the ground.
you are
completely ruined.
Advise you
to leave
the country
Hey, stop!
Well, General, in about 15 minutes
we'll meet the Liverpool pocket.
No sign of it yet, Barnum.
Hey, what will we do
when we get to England?
- Make a fortune.
- Oh, how?
Well, that minor detail
we"ll take care of when we get there.
Ah Charles, how nice to see you again.
Yes, Barset, the usual crowd
of fools and charlatans, I see.
Good evening, your grace.
Oh, good evening.
You heard about my brig, I suppose.
Oh, yes, yes, may I offer
you my deepest sympathies.
A terrible disaster.
I was victimized, Barset, victimized.
Dishonest contractors, inferior materials.
I was betrayed by the
company, Barset, betrayed.
Yes, yes, terrible.
I would like to greet you, sir.
I'm Barset, president of the society.
Barnum, Phineas T. Barnum.
Barnum, not the great Barnum?
At you service, sir.
Oh, why, yes, yes of course.
And this must be little Tom Thumb.
General Tom Thumb.
I do beg your pardon.
Yes, of course.
I had no idea that you were in England.
We just arrived today,
sort of slipped in without
any fuss, you know.
It's very nice to
see you at our lecture.
Yes, yes, we shall be
starting any moment now.
Do come this way a little bit.
Gentlemen, I think we
really must be going in.
And so, with this new
explosive substance,
which I call bulovite,
understand, bul-o-vite.
It is possible that a
projectile could be fired,
which would escape completely
from the gravitational pull of the earth
and travel through the upper
reaches of the atmosphere.
I continue.
This explosive will revolutionize gunnery
as we know it today.
A projectile fired beyond
the earth's atmosphere
would have a range which is infinite.
In fact, such a projectile
could reach the moon.
How would you fire such
a projectile, professor?
From a cannon.
You would have to construct
an enormous cannon.
Please, please, gentlemen!
Professor von Bulow is our guest.
Professor, in your opinion,
could such a projectile
carry a human being?
Could a man travel in it?
Yes, if he was a small man.
Naturally, sir, and of course,
provided the human body
could survive such a trip.
Well sir, speaking as a physician,
I can assure you that the human system
is quite incapable of
surviving at such a velocity.
Are you questioning my
medical judgement sir?
Yes, indeed I am sir.
When we engineers first
constructed a railway,
it was you physicians who said that no one
could travel at 20 miles
an hour and survive.
And judging by the
railways you construct, sir,
they were right.
That's an attack on my reputation.
That's a personal attack.
Let me tell you this, for what it's worth.
People are a darn sight
safer on my railway
than they are in your surgery.
And you can stuff that
up your stethoscope.
Did you hear what that man said?
I have never been so insulted.
Order, gentlemen, please!
Please, gentlemen, please
let us not get overheated.
I beg of you.
Who is this fellow?
Not a member, is he?
Gentlemen, may I introduce
to you Mr. Phineas I. Barnum.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, when I
received an invitation to this meeting,
I thought perhaps at first
there had been some mistake.
But now I discern the hand of providence
has sent me here this evening.
The professor here has mentioned
the possibility of a journey to the moon.
A voyage to another planet.
Think upon this, gentlemen,
perhaps one of us
here in this very room,
may be the first man
to set foot upon the moon.
Now, who will join me on a committee
to instigate this magnificent adventure?
I'll join you, Mr. Barnum,
yes indeed I will.
And so will I.
I will join this committee.
We will.
Thank you gentlemen.
This meeting will go down in history.
The meeting at which it was first decided
to send a living human being to the moon.
Hooray, hooray.
Read all about it, Barnum sensation.
- Barnum sensa...
- Boy!
Barnum proposes trip to the moon.
Sir Charles Dillworthy
and the Duke of Barset
also joined the committee,
and there is great speculation
as to who will be the first
person to be sent to the moon.
I wonder what Mr. Gladstile is doing.
Your Imperial Highness, von
Bulow is going to the moon!
Gaylord, Gaylord, you
must not go to the moon.
But Gaylord, you must
not go up to the moon
just because of me.
I am not going up to the moon,
I am merely going over
the channel to England.
Oh, and what about me?
You, that's all you ever
think about, isn't it, you?
Well, what about science,
what about progress,
and what about me?
Five years I've been working on a plan,
and now over in England,
they're starting to make one without me.
But they're not gonna
get away with it, no sir.
The first ship landing on the moon
is going to be designed
by Gaylord Sullivan.
Oh Gaylord, I do love you!
Then, why are you marrying him?
But I love him, too.
But you can't love both of us.
It just, it just isn't decent!
But I do.
This way is best by far, Gaylord.
You see, he is richer, so I marry him,
but I see you in the afternoons.
It's better than marrying you
and seeing him in the afternoons.
But Madelaine, I've never
heard such a suggestion.
You've got to make up your mind.
It's either him, or me.
Hey, Madelaine!
It is him!
Yes, but who are they?
Oh, they're the guard
of honor for the wedding.
You better make up your mind quickly.
I'm not hanging around to argue.
Oh, I come with you.
Imbecile, you did not load it.
Monseigneur, I did not know
it was that kind of a wedding.
Gaylord, it is me she loves.
Bring her back!
I'm sorry, Henri, I can't.
I've got to go to England.
Never! Musket.
Henri, Henri, don't shoot!
I love you!
Is it true?
You really love me?
I will always love you, Henri, always.
Oh, Madelaine!
This is an inquiry about rights,
and mineral deposits on the moon.
File that under prospective investors.
How do we find out if
there's mineral up there?
Well, the man who goes up
will have to bring back samples.
Barnum, I've opened over 2,000 letters,
and I ain't found one yet from
a man who wants to go there.
General, I'm sure there's
such a man somewhere.
A man of courage, devotion, loyalty.
Possibly a, uh, military man.
Well, like you always say,
there's one born every minute.
Ah yes, well, we don't have to
worry about that yet a while.
I'm off to Barset House.
First meeting of the committee.
- Okay General?
- Okay.
Good morning, Mr. Barnum!
Good morning, your grace, good morning.
The others are here.
Let's go and take a look.
Oh, Anna, this is Mr. Barnum.
Miss Anna Linstrom, my
daughter's companion.
- How do you do?
- Charmed.
Sorry, daddy.
This is Mr. Barnum, my dear.
My daughter, Lady Electra.
Hello, Mr. Barnum.
We're making a lift, daddy.
Oh good!
I shan't need the pickax now, Anna,
I've managed without it.
Both of them very keen
on engineering, you know.
I encourage them, it keeps
them out of mischief.
Hop on, Anna.
I'll just turn on the motor.
Ready, Anna?
Now gentlemen, as I see
it, our immediate task
is divided into three sections.
First, the construction of the cannon.
Oh I handle this, it
is already constructed.
Good, splendid Professor.
And secondly, the construction
of the projectile.
Oh, you can leave
that to me, Mr. Barnum.
Very good, very good,
and third and lastly,
the raising of the money for the project.
Ah yes, that could well be
the most difficult part of it.
Gentlemen, gentlemen,
if this committee will
furnish me with the estimated
cost of this project,
I will raise the money.
However, I will need an
assistant to act as treasurer.
Yes, and I know just the chap.
Oh splendid, who is he?
My brother-in law, Captain
Harry Washington Smythe.
I beg your pardon, very silly of me.
This Smythe, he is, of course,
a completely reliable man?
Absolutely first rate.
He's a gentleman.
That thing work, Grundle?
Of course it will.
I knows me trade, you know.
I learned it out in the colonies.
Yeah, we know, you laid the first cable
from Botany Bay to Van Diemen's land.
How does it work?
Quite simple really, you know.
This machine is connected
to the main telegraph line.
Every time a message comes
through to the telegraph office,
you reads it first.
That way, you gets advanced information
on the stocks and shares.
Well, I suppose if the stock exchange can
get you the telegraph, we shall
have to do the same thing.
Although it won't be half as much fun
as intercepting carrier pigeons.
Here, one's coming through now.
Captain Sir Harry Washington Smythe,
14 Enterprise Billings, London,
But that's me, what's it say?
Come to Barset house
immediately regarding position of
Treasurer to Moonship
Subscription Fund, signed Barset.
What's a moonship?
I don't know what a moonship is,
but I know what a subscription
fund is, money, come on.
Who on earth's that?
Miss Anna, from the look of her.
From the look of her what?
From the look of her, I
think I better go and help her.
Why must we always meet
like this, in secret?
And as Mr. Barnum will agree, I'm sure,
we mustn't leave the money idle.
As it comes in, I will invest it.
On behalf of the committee, of course.
I know some excellent companies.
Good, good, well gentlemen,
do we all agree then,
that Captain Smythe
shall act as treasurer?
It gives
us the greatest pleasure
to open this new suspension
Thank you, Sir Charles.
Well fine, fine; now that's settled,
Captain, would you sit here?
I'll sit next to Sir Charles if I may,
I've always been a great
admirer of his work.
Now gentlemen, I think
Professor von Bulow should speak.
Gentlemen, by this experiment,
you'll see some of the
problems which confront us.
Open the window, please.
Watch closely.
You see, gentlemen, the problem of recoil.
Yes, amazing Professor, amazing.
And that's only part of our problem.
To fire a projectile
beyond the pull of the
earth's gravitation,
it would be necessary
to construct a cannon
with a barrel measuring 573 feet.
By using bulovite, however,
I can reduce this length to 310 feet.
The real problem is
that it is not possible
to construct a cannon of this size.
The only answer, therefore, is...
The only answer, therefore, is,
to drill a hole into
the side of a mountain.
And use this for our cannon.
Then our first task
is to find a mountain.
Well as a matter of
fact, I can help you there.
We own one.
Do we Harry?
Of course we do, Willie, Caer Flutie.
Oh yes, of course, the estate in Wales.
Yes, I forgot about that place, yes.
Oh look, it's Uncle
Harry's new gas carriage.
Miss Anna?
Half inch spanner.
Dillworthy, come back.
Get away from me, Smythe.
Dillworthy, I want a word with you.
It's the voice of the
tempter, get away from me.
But Diller, old chap.
Thou shalt not tempt me Smythe.
The voice of the tempter
is the lure of the land.
The way you're shouting, at sea as well.
No, Smythe, I won't do it.
Whatever it is, I will not do it.
But I merely wish to offer
you a lift back to town,
on my new gas carriage.
On your new gas carriage?
No, there'll be more to
it than that, I know you.
Well I did think we might
have a chat on the way back
about this moonship thing, eh?
No, Smythe, no.
I mean, look what happened
on that Trent bridge,
it collapsed, in front of her majesty.
The humiliation of it!
And it was all your fault.
You supplied the materials.
Well you took the profit,
and now look who's complaining.
Not very sporting.
I know, but it was me that
had to face the inquiry.
You know, Dillow, there could be
5,000 pounds in this for you.
Oh stop tormenting me Smythe,
get thee behind me, Satan.
Possibly even seven.
Oh, the flesh is weak,
but every man has his price.
All right, what is your price?
Right, 10,000 pounds the day my company
gets the contract for the moonship.
Oh, blast!
What's the matter with the darn thing?
Ran out of gas.
Give us a push, will you?
Come on.
That's it.
Right, that'll do.
Now, Diller, chin up and
take this along, will you?
Steady, steady.
Mind the paper.
Right, turn it on.
You know the whole principle
of this vehicle is dishonest.
It relies on stolen gas.
That isn't the point.
It's very economical to run.
Mr. Mitty has acquired this mountain
from his grace, the Duke of Barset.
The greatest geologists in England
have pronounced it
suitable for our purpose.
And so gentlemen, it is from this spot,
man will journey forth to
his conquest of the moon.
I think we should be going down now.
They're ready to start blasting.
- Madelaine darling?
- Hm?
I don't know where we are.
Why don't we go down and ask somebody?
Because then we wouldn't have
enough gas to get back up again.
I should have stayed with Henri.
He would have looked after me.
He's just a big, rich, stupid fool.
He knows nothing.
But at least he knows where he is.
But he doesn't know where you are.
Oh Madelaine, I wish
we were on the ground.
What are you doing?
Going to the ground, my darling.
You've let too much out!
Grundle has placed
the charge of bulovite
all around the top, and now
we shall discharge them with electricity.
You see the idea, gentlemen,
is to remove the top of the mountain,
leaving a flat surface, into
which we will dig our shaft.
Is this the electric
detonator, Professor?
Oh no, no, no.
That's my electro-magnetic
speaking trumpet.
Ah hah.
Hello, he's off again.
What's he saying?
I don't know.
He can't be using it properly.
Oh, Gaylord!
Gaylord, take care!
Gaylord, help!
Help, Gaylord!
Stand still, gentlemen.
Guv'ner, all charges laid.
Grundle, Grundle, you got
my instructions all right?
Oh yes, yes, every word.
And now gentlemen, I shall
remove the top of the mountain.
Hey there, help, help!
Hey there!
Thank heavens it didn't work.
But it should have worked.
Are you all right?
Thank you, thank you, Barnum.
Please, can you help me?
Is the bridegroom with you?
No, I'm all alone in a foreign country.
Foreign, but not unfriendly.
Do come in.
Oh, thank you.
Why, it's absolutely incredible!
You must have been working
on these plans for years.
It's all I've ever dreamed about.
But how on earth did
you ever get here, boy?
We came by balloon.
The balloon, Madelaine, I forgot.
You'll find some clothes in there.
They belong to Lady Electra.
My niece, you know.
Oh, thank you.
What can we do to find Gaylord?
Hm, what?
Don't worry, I'll get my man
to organize a search party.
Oh, thank you.
You're being very kind.
Perkins, Perkins, I
want you to come in here.
Coming, sir.
Ah, there you are Perkins.
Here I be, sir.
Perkins, there's a young
French lady in the next room
whose fiancee is lost in the hills.
I want you to organize a search party
and go and look for him.
Yes sir, it'll be getting dark, sir.
Maybe the young lady, if
she wants to come along,
would have to hurry.
Careful, Perkins.
No, that won't be necessary,
she'll stay here with me.
She'll be perfectly safe here with me.
Oh that she will, sir,
you bein' the finest
and most honorable gentleman
that ever did draw a breath.
Oh thank you, Perkins, well off you go,
take my horse, no time to lose.
Aye aye, sir.
Sent my man off.
Care for a spot of supper?
Oh thank you, I'm just coming.
Oh dear, the door is jammed.
Oh really?
Well don't worry, I'll come and
help you through the window.
There's no sign of her.
The duke's hunting lodge,
perhaps she's in there.
Gentlemen of the committee,
it gives me much pleasure
to show you, for the first time,
a scale model of my moonship.
Barset, would you kindly assist me please?
It certainly is a handsome thing.
See, I don't know very much
about engineering, but...
Well what did you know, Mr. Barnum?
As you know, I'm just
an amateur engineer.
Yes I do know, Barset,
extremely amateur.
Yes, well it occurs to me that,
if this is to be fired from a cannon,
Yes, Barset?
Well it seems to me these projections
might prevent the
air-tight fit in a cannon.
Any more questions?
Yes, I have a question I'd like to ask.
Mr. Barnum, I can assure
you that this projectile
will take a man to the
moon in perfect safety.
Exactly sir, but how
does it bring him back?
I was told to design a projectile
to convey a man to the moon.
Nothing was said about bringing him back.
But he might not like it up there.
Then he'll just have to
lump it then, won't he?
I mean the obvious answer
is to find someone who
doesn't want to come back.
Well I can assure you,
sir, that General Tom Thumb
will insist on coming back.
Well then we'll just
have to find someone else.
Some fella at the work house,
give them an ounce of backing,
and a couple of shillings,
he'd jump at the chance.
Oh no, no, no, you can't send
a man up there to his doom.
Barnum and the public
would never permit it.
Even if he is a pauper.
I take it, Sir Charles,
you haven't examined
this young man's design?
No I have not.
And I've no intention of doing so, either.
I'll tell you this, it's
either mine, or nothing.
And you can get in touch with me
when you've made up your minds.
Oh dear.
Gentlemen, gentlemen, let
us not be too despondent.
Gaylord, would you be good enough
to show the gentlemen your proposal?
Well yes.
You see it was my idea to
place rockets in the nose,
so that when it landed on
the moon, in this position,
reverse rockets would
propel it back to earth.
Ha, rockets, yes of course,
it's the logical answer.
You idiots.
This fraud could never design a moonship.
He's a charlatan.
Even so, Sir Charles, we are
prepared to commission
the design from him.
And I'm afraid that your services
will be no longer required.
Oh, they won't, won't they??
Well then, we'll see.
You'll be begging for me
to come back, begging.
You'll see, all of you.
And no pinching my design either.
Hello Diller old man, anything wrong?
Why weren't you there, Smythe?
Why weren't you at the committee meeting?
I had to fight them all on me own.
No support from anyone.
Anything go wrong?
They pushed me off.
And commissioned that damn yank!
Well, I need to talk
to Willie about this.
Get that, yank as you say, pushed off,
and you put back on again.
It's the only patriotic thing to do,
besides it's absolutely vital
we get the contract for
that moonship, vital.
We have followed with great interest
the progress of your moonship, Mr. Barnum.
We understand that the subscription fund
has now reached over a million pounds.
Have you decided who will journey in it?
Well ma'am, we're not
releasing the news till later.
But we wish to know now.
It will be General Tom Thumb, ma'am.
We will send him a message
wishing him Godspeed and a safe voyage.
He'll appreciate that, ma'am.
We have also requested our war office
to give Professor von Bulow
every assistance with his experiment.
What? On you feet,
on your feet, all of you.
Come on, Dawkins, you can
have a nice slide down
when you get to the mess.
On your feet, get fell in.
Class, atten-hun!
Class, to the right, face.
Class, atten-hut!
Class, number.
two, three, four, five,
Hello, one gentleman absent.
Carruthers, anybody
seen Mister Carruthers?
Come on, Mister Carruthers
sir, at the double.
We're waiting for you.
I was blown up, Sergeant.
Yes, but you've come down
again now, haven't you?
Yes, Sergeant.
Then get fell in.
Remember sir, you are an
officer and a gentleman.
When a common gunner gets blown up,
he might hang about up there,
but an officer hurries down
and gets properly fell in.
Ready to continue, sir.
Now we'll try it in the
gun, and see what happens.
Only this time we shall double the charge.
A double charge, sir,
yes sir, I understand sir.
Double charge, sir?
That's what I said, yeah.
These experiments are of vital importance
to the moonship, eh?
Double charge.
Your pass, sir?
I'm looking for Professor von Bulow.
Oh him sir, yes, he's
over on the north range
with a class of officer cadets,
just the other side of that red flag.
Ah, thank you.
Round home.
And now for the bulovite.
The charge, Mister Hawkins.
Careful, you idiot!
Right, one gentleman to
volunteer to ram it home.
Mister Carruthers.
I did it last time, Sergeant.
Yes, well you have the experience,
so to speak, haven't you?
Go along now.
What next, sir?
I don't know, we never
got this far before.
I will examine my notes.
Might I suggest the projectile, sir?
The projectile, of course, that's right.
Load ball.
Gun loaded, sir.
Good, good.
Now all we need is the sluice juice.
- All present?
- Yes, Sergeant.
Shall I touch her off, sir?
Oh yes, yes, yes, yes.
I'd hate to be close to
that lot when it goes off.
Professor, Professor von Bulow?
Did you hear something, sir?
Not yet.
But in 20 seconds, you will hear
the most beautiful sound in the world.
Professor von Bulow, you there?
This blasted thing is on fire.
What do you want me to do with this thing?
Put it out, sir, put it out.
Excellent fuse you are using.
One can't put it out.
Hey, this damn thing's dangerous.
What do you want, Barnum, huh?
You are holding up my experiment.
Professor, the committee
is becoming a little bit agitated.
Now, you must give us precise details
for the thinking of that cannon shot.
Yeah, I know, I know.
Fit another fuse, please.
Right, at the double.
We have driven in the subsidiary shaft
and you see, we can't start
working on the cannon shaft
until you give us the precise diameter.
Yes I know, but that
depends on my experiments.
However, I shall be
finished here in one week.
Come on then, watch this.
No, no Professor, I must
report to the committee.
Come on, hurry up with that fuse...
Oh there you are, Barnum.
Here, read that telegram,
Barnum, go on, read it.
Why, it's from her
majesty Queen Victoria.
She wishes you every good
fortune on your trip to the moon.
General this is wonderful, her majesty
has chosen you to travel in the moonship!
But of course Barnum, you
wouldn't know anything about it.
Well General, I'll have to admit
that I had a slight inkling
that they might choose you.
But this is obviously what they
call a high-level decision.
Well I'm making a low-level decision.
I ain't going.
You see Willie, I think it's a bad thing
you should reject Dillworthy's design
and sail with this American.
If he is American.
I mean for all we know he
may be a spy or something.
It's your shot, Harry.
I see, Harry, you've
potted my ball again.
That's four times in four strokes.
Everybody has a special
shot, I happen to have mine.
Not against the rules, you know.
Besides, you would insist upon having
a five guinea wager on the game.
No I didn't, you did.
Is that relevant?
Jolly ball drop, you're
very good, you know.
Yes, well next time you do pot my ball,
Harry, I shall be most annoyed.
Your shot.
Willie, about Dillworthy...
Oh not now, Harry.
I am planning a shot.
There's something very peculiar
about this table, Harry.
What on earth?
Hey, this table's magnetic.
How extraordinary.
What on earth could have caused it?
A deliberate device to cheat!
Harry, you have perverted
the discoveries of science
to your foul and filthy ends.
If you had any spark of decency,
you would go straight
down to the gun room.
The gun room Willie?
You would lock the door.
And at the sound of a shot,
a housemaid would scream.
And you, you Harry, would have paid
for your despicable action in the only way
left open for a gentleman.
I say, I like the bit about
the housemaid screaming.
You are a cad sir.
A cad and a bounder.
And you are no longer welcome in my house.
Furthermore, I shall recommend that
your moonship accounts
be audited immediately.
You're perfectly welcome, Willie.
You won't find anything there.
Die, dirty rotten spy!
Who was he calling a dirty spy?
I think it was me.
Oh, good.
Madelaine darling,
they've approved the plans
and we start building it tomorrow.
Oh good, and when you
finish we'll go back to Paris.
But you promised to stay
here with me until I finish.
But of course my darling.
I love you.
And I love you.
But I also love Henri.
Poor Henri, he misses me so.
He says he's not going to eat anything
till I come back to Paris.
Ha, he'll be as skinny
as a bean pole by then.
How long do you stay here Gaylord?
Oh I'd say about 18 months.
18 months, oh you beast!
Large charge, sir.
Thank you, Sergeant, that will be all.
My experiments are complete.
Now we know the correct
amount of bulovite to use.
Thank heavens for that sir.
Stretcher bearers.
Even if General Tom Thumb doesn't go,
it won't affect the design.
I've allowed for plenty of room inside.
How about the deliveries
of steel plates?
Just a moment.
I've just received the auditor's report.
Captain Smythe has embezzled
over 100,000 pounds!
How in the world could a
thing like that happen?
It's very complicated.
Grundle did explain it to me.
They tell me it's quite legal.
They can't touch him.
Yes and we'll make more at this party.
There we are.
So this is how you
invested the moonship funds!
Get your hands off me, how dare you!
I promise you that you'll regret this.
Harry, you're a traitor,
a rotten stinking traitor.
May I ask what you mean by that remark?
You know damn well what I mean.
Barnum has bribed you to put
the American flag on the moon.
You're a traitor.
You liar!
Strike me again and every
patriotic Englishman here
will string you up from
the nearest lamppost.
He's right enough there.
We'd string him up
as soon as look at 'im.
Furthermore Willie, I'll
wager you any money you like,
you'll never even get that
moonship off the ground.
I will not demean myself
by wagering with you.
I will, what odds are you givin'?
50 to one, Willie, 50 to one.
- 200 guineas on it...
- 50 guineas!
You can't back out on us.
I have no intention of backing out,
but let's do this thing properly.
Gaylord will be surprised.
Gaylord, Gaylord, look who is here!
Gaylord, my old friend, how
splendid to see you again.
And how is your great moonship going?
Henri, what are you doing here?
I have come to take Madelaine
back to Paris with me.
We are to be married.
Yes, but she's promised to stay
until I have finished the moonship.
Oh it is true, I promised.
Monsieur Barnum, how long will it be?
Well we're held up a little
bit for money right now.
We need another 100,000 pounds.
Oh, that is no problem.
Henri is the richest man in France.
He owns three banks.
He will lend you the money.
Well I'm afraid it's not
quite that simple, my dear.
However, it is a marvelous opportunity
for a private investor.
Say no more, I will let you have it.
Well by George, this is splendid!
We'll get together in the morning
and draw up the conditions.
There is only one condition.
And what is that, sir?
He must go up in it.
Oh, Gaylord!
Good evening, Smythe.
I hear you're taking bets, Smythe.
Yes, 3,400 pounds at 50 to one.
Over 150,000, I say!
Is that all together wise?
No, therefore, Diller, I
need your expert assistance.
I want you to ensure that moonship
never leaves the earth.
Never leaves the earth?
What a splendid idea.
When will you do it?
There's no point in doing it
yet, someone might find out.
The time to do it is when
the ship is constructed.
And on view to the public.
Never leaves here!
You devil!
How long will you have the
moonship on display in London?
Well that depends on the
firing date of the rocket,
which is now being determined
by the Astronomer Royal.
And the number of people who are
willing to pay to come and see it.
How many do you estimate?
Oh, I would say around two million,
at five shillings a head.
Half a million pounds, eh?
- Not bad.
- Yes.
Come and I'll show you around.
- Morning, Mr. Barnum
- Morning.
Ah, shall we?
There it is Dillers.
Can't do anything about it yet, Smythe,
too many people about.
We'll have to wait until it's dark.
Yes, of course.
Well, I suppose we'll
have to stroll around
and enjoy the beauties of nature.
And what are these handles for?
Oh, that is the bed.
- The bed?
- Mm-hmm.
And why do yo have a
carpet on the ceiling?
Because on the way down,
sir, that will be the floor.
What is the purpose of this epidendra?
To see if the atmosphere
can support plant life.
- And the canary?
- Bird life.
This is, of course, primarily
a scientific exploration,
but mind you gentlemen, there
may be creatures on the moon,
strange creatures beyond
our wildest imagination,
which the public will be most
anxious to see on exhibition.
And these switches control the rocket.
I fire the rocket to
bring me back to earth.
Oh Gaylord, you are so brave!
To think you're going to go
up there all by yourself!
Henri, oh!
What are you doing here?
I have come to take
Madelaine back for our wedding.
Oh no, I don't go to
the moon for months.
And she promised.
That she would stay until
the moonship was completed,
and now it is completed.
Oh it is true, Gaylord.
Oh Madelaine darling,
have dinner with me tonight.
It may be our last time together,
on earth.
Oh of course I will, Gaylord.
Oh Bertram, I'm so glad
the moonship is finished.
Now you can stop working so hard,
and spend some time with me.
- Miss Anna,
- Yes Bertram?
There's something I'd like to ask you.
Yes, Bertram?
Would you come down
in the bushes with me?
Oh Bertram!
Come on.
Miss Anna, Miss Anna, I knows
how you feels about me and,
well, dare I, that is may I...
Oh Miss Anna, marry me, marry me
and come and live in Watling,
let me take you away from all of this.
Oh Bertram, I'm so fond of
you, but we can never marry.
Is it because of the differences
in our social position?
No Bertram.
I know.
It's because of the colonies.
What is the matter?
Is there anything I can do?
Oh love is so cruel!
There, there.
Now come on.
Sir Percival, tell me,
on what date can we fire the moonship?
Well the whole thing
is governed, you see,
by the position of the moon shaft.
Let me see now, oh yes, yes, this is it.
Now, you must fire the
projectile on October the 20th,
at 11 minutes to four
o'clock in the afternoon.
But that's next Sunday.
So it is, yes.
No, no that's much too soon.
What's the next date?
The next date, yes, January the 14th.
Next year?
Not next year, January the 14th, 1968.
But Sir Percival, there
must be some mistake.
Oh no, no, no, no there's no mistake.
It's the position of the moon.
The moon shaft, you see.
The moon only comes over it once
in every hundred years or so.
But, next Sunday.
Two million visitors
at five shillings a head.
Yes, well.
Oh yeah, come on Diller.
Give me that science journal.
Taxidermy equipment.
Chloroform, what would
anyone want chloroform for?
No idea, now, according to this,
the equipment is kept down here.
And this is the living quarters.
The control room must be, up here.
Come on.
What are you looking for?
The rocket firing equipment.
Is that it?
Yes, well done, Smythe, well done.
What will that do?
I'll tell you, when
the moonship is fired,
the rockets will fire at the same time.
Now, the two pressures
will equalize each other,
and squash the whole thing
flat like a six penny piece,
unless of course, it explodes.
It's Madelaine.
How nice to see you again, my dear.
I heard what you said.
You're going to blow up Gaylord.
You murderers!
No, no, we were only joking, weren't we?
No you were not,
you're going to blow it up.
You want to kill him.
No, no no,
you must have misunderstood.
You won't
touch me first, you murderer!
My dear girl, I can assure you that
I've no intention
whatsoever of harming you.
But I have.
What is this place, Smythe?
Run by an old friend of mine.
Now you understand, I
will not allow this girl
to be harmed in any way.
Oh shut up.
Well I mean it.
Sounds like a party.
Wait for us down there.
All things bright and beautiful
I don't like the look
of this place Smythe,
I don't like the look of it at all.
All things great and small
All things wise and wonderful
Ho ho, it's Captain Smythe, hmm.
All right, girls.
We thought it might be
one of the governors.
- Sir Charles Dillworthy.
- Evening.
Pick her up, sir.
Bring her into the warmth.
Oh what poor creature of the night
have you brought us, Captain?
What poor lamb, who strays
apart from the flock?
We found her in the gutter, unconscious.
We fear she might have been drinking.
Drinking, dreadful.
Put her down, gently.
We feel that we may have saved her
from a fate worse than, um,
Worse than death?
So I'm told.
Oh, it is Smythe, it is undoubtedly.
How the blazes would
you know, Dillworthy?
I trust that she'll be quite safe here.
Oh absolutely safe.
We feel that she may well
attempt to escape back to...
The life from which you saved her.
Yes exactly, I
therefore look to you to...
Forestall such a wicked
and ungrateful act.
Very well gentlemen, if
there is no alternative,
I will agree.
Good, good.
Tomorrow we will transport
the moonship to Wales,
and Sunday we will send it on its way.
Good luck, Mister Barnum!
Thank you very much.
What's the matter young
man, worried about going up?
It's not just that, it's Madelaine.
To think that she would
go away with Henri now,
without saying goodbye.
Hey, guv'ner, look.
Oh the moonship is coming!
The moonship is coming!
Gentlemen, three cheers, hip hip,
- Hip hip,
- Hooray!
- Hip hip,
- Hooray!
Thank you.
Well, here's to Sunday
and a successful launching.
I hear there's a whisper,
her majesty may decorate you tomorrow,
before you go.
I'm deeply honored.
But why doesn't she give
it to me on my return,
isn't that the usual thing?
Of course I'm, I'm not
normally a drinking man,
you understand that.
Oh, thank you very much indeed.
Sometimes one wants to
drown one's sorrows.
I've never told anybody about
this before, you realize that.
You mean, you were actually
transported to the colonies as a convict?
But how jolly exciting.
What did you do?
15 years.
No, I mean, why were you sent there??
I stole a sticky bun.
Yeah, you see I was starving,
so I nicked this here sticky bun.
Oh Grundle.
15 years for a sticky bun.
Oh Grundle, what beastly hard luck.
Yeah, oh my dear, shocking it is.
But even worse, it's been a barrier
between me and the one what I loves.
Oh Grundle, have you
told her of your feelings?
It's no good milady, I aspires to Annie.
Our social differences is too great.
Oh Grundle, dear
Grundle, of course marriage
is out of the question, but true love
knows no social barriers.
Providing of course, one is discreet.
Yes, it's Miss Anna,
with that Henri fellow.
Mademoiselle Anna has
consented to be my wife.
Your wife, are you some
kind of a Blue Beard?
What have you done with Madelaine?
What have you done with her?
I have not seen her for nearly a week.
Well, she gonna keep doing this to me,
I am having Miss Anna.
You can keep your Madelaine.
Then where is Madelaine?
How should I know?
Look, one of the bars is loose.
We can escape.
You could be free.
What, free to work in
a rotten pickle factory
at half a crown a week, no thank you.
Look duck, you'll settle down
when you've been here for a bit.
Now then girls, time for a nightcap.
Tea, coffee, cocoa, or hot milk.
Ain't you got no gin, matron?
Not for the junior girls,
only for the seniors.
Oh now Madelaine, we're not still
sulking for the outside world, are we?
Why can't I make you understand,
while I'm prisoner here,
they're trying to kill Gaylord.
He will be killed the moment
they fire the moonship.
But you're not a prisoner dear.
Then why have you got
bars on the windows?
They're not to keep us in,
they're to keep the gentlemen out.
If you make me come back, I'll tell.
Goodnight, Jack.
Now, try jumping up and down, old chap.
Oh splendid, old chap.
Well take off that moon hat.
Oh by the way, when you get to the moon,
don't jump too vigorously,
you could fly off the surface.
Now let's try out the launching bed.
There we are.
That's jolly good.
Right, now lower the weights.
Can you move?
Oh no.
Splendid, splendid, splendid.
Tell me, your grace,
what's all of this all about?
Oh it's just a little invention of mine,
to make him secure during the launching.
Well how does he get
out from under there
with all these heavy weights around?
Oh it's quite simple.
When the moonship leaves
the earth's gravity,
the whole thing becomes weightless,
it just floats up obviously.
Can you reach the launching lever?
Oh yes.
How much further, Smythe?
Not far now,
capsule will be just ahead.
I don't know why we had to
come here in the first place.
You know, I don't want
to see the lad killed.
You're a ghoul, Smythe, a ghoul.
Not entirely.
I merely want you to
go inside the moonship
and make quite certain
they haven't discovered
any of your careful little adjustments.
I'm Colonel Scuttling of Scotland Yard.
May I have a word with you?
Why certainly sir, what is it?
Shh, not here.
Mr. Barnum, we have received information
that there may be an agent
of the Czar in the vicinity.
We believe that this agent may
try to sabotage the moonship.
Great thundering
buffaloes, what can we do?
I have mounted patrols
guarding the countryside.
Have your fellows keep a
strict guard on the ship.
Certainly, Colonel.
It's the police, man.
- What?
- The police!
Well what about them?
We're exceeding the speed limit
for a mechanically propelled vehicle.
Oh, have I?
You're doing nine miles an hour.
Am I really?
Will you stop!
They're closing in on us, Smythe.
Right Smythe, four miles
an hour, if you please.
- Just a minute, sir.
- Yes?
We're looking for an agent of the Czar.
Have you seen any suspicious persons?
What does he look like?
Foreign looking, dressed
in black with a tall hat.
Who are you?
I am Sir Charles Dillworthy,
British and proud of it.
Sorry sir.
You damn sod.
Come on.
Hey, why are we
stopped, we late already.
The Rhodes train stopped
at the station ahead,
we have to wait for it to pull out.
Is this Caer Flutie?
Hey, you can't do that, Miss, hey!
Put a block under the back wheel.
Ran out of gas.
No gaslamps anywhere, Smythe.
We're stuck.
We're jolly well not.
With the dawn we'll trust the stranger
We must send him on his way
Gas company sir, checking the pressure.
On a Sunday?
I don't want to alarm the family sir,
but we've had a lot of explosions.
Oh, heavens preserve us, do come in.
Thank you, sir.
How do you do.
Thank you.
How long will it take?
Oh, just a jiffy.
Oh the humiliation.
Well do carry on.
With the dawn we'll trust the stranger
We must send him on his way
We must always try
to give a helping hand
A helping hand
We must shelter him from danger
And the spirit of
the love he'll understand
He'll understand
If you see that little
chapel on the wayside
The love you can
You must ever have an open invitation
Oh please, can you help me?
I must get to the moonship,
they're trying to blow it up.
The moonship, heaven
preserve us, come in.
Thank you.
Stop, stop, this young woman says
they are trying to blow up the moonship.
Oh she does, does she?
- Lift it.
- Whaddya mean lift, oh!
It's that Madelaine,
she's escaped, come on!
Get in.
We're pulling something, Smythe.
Oh shut up.
Can't you go any faster?
Come on, faster you bugger!
Dillworthy, Dillworthy!
I'm sorry, Smythe, I lost
my temper, I deeply apologize.
Yes Dillworthy, you'll have
to watch that temper of yours,
it'll get you into
trouble one of these days.
We're in trouble now.
We've lost her.
We're done for, Smythe, we're done for.
No we're not, come on.
I'm looking for Barnum.
There he is, he's over there.
Ah, Barnum!
Her Majesty on time, she'll
be here in five minutes.
Well I wish von Bulow was on time,
he's still preparing the charge.
Oh, there's one barrel short.
I shouldn't think one barrel
would made much difference with her sir.
How do we detonate it, Sarge?
We don't detonate it lads.
The moonship is dropped from
the top of the shaft up there.
It lands on the bulovite down here,
causing explosions, which
launches it up again.
Hurry up with that last barrel.
Stretcher bearers!
I would not have this
girl harmed, Smythe.
This won't harm her,
it'll just stun her a bit.
Come on, Dillworthy,
help me with this rock.
Oh, all right.
- Smythe!
- What?
You'll never stun that lot, Smythe.
She's told them Smythe, we're
finished, we're finished!
We're not, come on.
As the first person to attempt
an astronautical voyage
from the earth to the moon,
we award you this decoration,
and wish you bon voyage.
Oh, and a safe return.
The moonship will be launched
in six minutes time, six minutes.
Tell Colonel Scuttling we've
found the agent of the Czar.
You're mad, you're all mad!
I'm French, Francaise!
And to you, Professor von Bulow...
Oh it's not me ma'am, it's him.
Oh dear.
Oh dear, are you unwell too?
As well as can be expected, ma'am,
after serving you for 15
years in the colonies.
I thought you looked like an old soldier.
moonship will be launched
in four minutes time, four minutes.
This is the young lady, Colonel.
You must let me go, he
will be killed I tell you.
Do you admit that you
are an agent of the Czar?
No, of course not!
Bring the young lady a chair, Sergeant.
Yes sir.
This may take some time.
moonship will be launched
in two minutes time, two minutes.
Good luck, my boy.
Thank you very much, sir.
I usually have quite a lot to say,
but upon this occasion I can only
think of one thing young man, good luck.
Thank you very much, sir.
Good luck, good luck, sir.
So you claim to be French, eh?
Very well,
- What?
- Ah hah!
You don't understand me, do you?
I don't understand any of you!
You're all mad!
The moon
ship will be launched
in one minute's time.
She couldn't have told them.
30 seconds to go.
It's all right.
20 seconds.
I heard them say it,
it will blow up when he pulls
the lever, please, please.
15 seconds.
Let's go!
Don't fire the moonship!
Don't fire the moonship!
- Let me go!
- 10 seconds.
one second.
What's happening?
Has something gone wrong?
Who are you?
An agent of the Czar.
Oh I forgot, I'm not supposed to tell.
Chloroform, it must have leaked.
Thank heavens.
Stand by to take him out.
Something wrong,
they're bringing him out.
Do you know something,
we've won, Smythe.
We've won!
He's unconscious, they'll never
get it off the ground now.
He might recover, come on.
Put him down,
I said put him down.
That's right, put him down.
Get the doctor, we must revive him.
No, he can't go up, it's sabotaged.
Well maybe he has the time
to think this, come here.
Precious moonship fini.
Yes, it'll never get
up, and it can't get back.
Great balls a-fire, it's dropped!
Smythe, what have you done?
You bungling idiot.
Down everybody!
Down everybody, quickly!
Your Majesty.
We have succeed, congratulations sir.
Gone, and not a soul on board.
10 million dollars wasted.
It's coal, Barnum, it's coal, I'm rich!
We're rich.
You sold the site to the
committee, we're rich.
All right, we are rich.
We'll have enough money
to build another moonship.
Yeah, yes!
I blame you for this, Dillworthy.
Because of your stupid bungling,
we're doomed to spend the rest of our days
with these filthy moon men.
I tell you we're not on
the moon, we're in Russia.
Probably Siberia.
Nonsense, we are on the moon.
I tell you we're not.
Everybody happy?
Everybody sing!
Heave ho, heave ho
There you are Smythe,
if we're on the moon,
why are they singing Russian songs?
It simply means, Dillworthy,
that the Russians got here first.
- Dillworthy?
- What?
Dillworthy, I have an idea.
No Smythe, I won't listen.
I'll tell you something,
you'll get shot here.
Seriously shot.