Three Stooges Comedy Collection (2024) Movie Script

- (hand slaps)
- Shut up.
For the next hour,
sit back, relax,
and enjoy this hilarious
collection of short films
starring "The Three Stooges".
(plates crashing)
For 40 years, "The Three Stooges"
were one of the most famous
comedy teams in the whole world.
(Stooges whistling)
And these films are four of their best.
Stay tuned.
(door bangs)
(man yelling)
(spring coils)
(upbeat music)
Hi, I am Charles Dewandeler,
and welcome to "The Three
Stooges Comedy Collection".
"The Three Stooges" were
an American vaudeville
and comedy team from 1922 to 1970.
They appeared in 220 films
throughout their career,
including 190 short films
released by Columbia Pictures
in the 1930s, '40s and '50s.
Most of these films starred
Larry, Curly and Moe,
including this short film from 1936
called "Disorder in the Court".
Do you solemnly swear
to the tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
I do.
What is your name?
Gail Tempest.
What is your occupation?
I'm a dancer.
On the night of February the 13th,
were you working at the Black Bottom Cafe
when this murder was committed?
Yes, but I didn't do it.
Then who killed Kirk Robin?
I don't know!
Didn't you kill Kirk Robin?
I object Your Honor,
and ask that the last question
be stricken from the records.
It is merely an attempt to
influence this intelligent,
broad-minded and most intellectual jury.
(jurors murmuring)
Objection sustained.
Thank you, Your Honor.
That is all.
[Parrot] (trilling) Why the letter?
Quiet, Polly.
If it pleases the court, Your Honor,
at this time I would like to introduce
my three main witnesses.
Howard, Fine, and Howard. (clears throat)
(jurors murmuring)
They were here a minute ago.
Will you pardon me, Your Honor?
I'll be right back.
(jurors mumbling)
(feet shuffling)
(ball thuds)
Hey, what's the idea
of spoiling the game?
I was for onesies.
- Well, here's twosie.
- Oh, oh.
He was for onesies.
You gave him to-
- He has fivesies.
(hand slaps)
Gentlemen. Gentlemen!
Don't you realize Miss Gale
Tempest's life is at stake?
- Oh, yeah.
- (men scuffling)
(feet scuffling)
(gavel bangs)
(gate clanks)
(body thuds)
(people laughing)
(gavel banging)
Will you gentlemen please try
to be a little more quiet in the court?
Certainly, judgey, the gate is locked.
Would you please step forward?
No, no, no.
Prepare yourself for the witness box.
(hat thumping)
(hand slaps)
(gavel bangs)
Take off your hat.
Now, raise your right hand.
Now place your left hand here.
Take off your hat.
Raise your right hand.
Now put your left hand here.
Please take off your hat.
- Raise your right hand!
- (Curly whimpers)
Now put your left hand here!
Will you please take off your hat!
Raise your right hand!
(Curly whimpers)
Now put your left hand here!
Take off your hat!
Raise your right hand.
Will you get rid of that hat?
Raise your right hand.
Raise your right hand.
Do you solemnly swear to
tell truth, the whole truth,
and nothing but the truth?
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Are you trying to gimme the double talk?
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Why don't you answer him?
He's talking Pig Latin!
I don't know what he's saying.
He's asking you if you swear.
No, but I know all the words.
He's asking you if you'll
swear to tell the truth.
Truth is stranger than fiction.
Judgey wudgey. (giggling)
Kindly address this court as Your Honor
and take the oath.
Do you solemnly swear to tell the truth,
the whole truth and nothing but the truth?
Certainly, what have I got to lose?
Take the stand.
Where do I put it?
No, no. Take the stand!
I got it, now what do I do with it?
(chair thuds)
Sit down!
(people laughing)
What's the matter with you?
You're in a court, not
in Clancy's pool room.
Sit down!
I'm a victim of circumstance.
- (hand slaps)
- Sit down.
Who you hitting?
- (hand slaps)
- Ow!
- Go on.
- (Curly laughing)
(hand slaps)
Be quiet.
(Curly moans)
(gavel bangs)
Proceed with the case.
Were you in the Black Bottom Cafe
on the night of February the 13th?
Did you at that time see the defendant,
Miss Gail Tempest, in
any way, shape or form,
commit or try to commit bodily harm
to the deceased Kirk Robin?
I object, Your Honor!
Counsel is trying to lead the witness.
[Judge] Objection sustained.
[Prosecutor] Mr. Howard,
did you see Miss Gail Tempest
in a physical fight with Kirk Robin?
If it pleases the court,
may I suggest that counsel be instructed
to allow the witness to
testify to what he saw?
Say, Jasper, what comes after 75?
That's the spirit.
(men laughing)
(people murmuring)
Request granted.
Proceed with the testimony.
Mr. Howard, kindly tell the court
what you know about the
murder of Kirk Robin.
Well, it was like this, Mister Court.
Address the judge as Your Honor.
Well, it was like this, my honor.
Your Honor, not my honor!
Why, don't you like him?
Allow the witness to proceed.
The court understands him.
Thanks Courty, you're a pal!
Well, me and my pals, we are musicians.
We were tearing up some hot
swing music in the orchestra.
Gail over there was swinging the fans.
Her sweetie, Kirk Robin
was inhaling a bottle of hooch at a table,
and a hoofer by the name of Buck Wing
was getting ready to shake his tootsies.
Kindly speak English
and drop the vernacular.
That's a derby!
[Prosecutor] Drop the vernacular.
(hat thuds)
No, no, not that.
Talk so the jury can understand.
Is everybody dumb?
Say, judgy.
If you let me, my partner and Gaily
kind of act it out for you,
we'll show you just what happened.
If counsel doesn't object,
that's an excellent idea.
[Counsel] No objections.
No objections.
No objections. (claps)
Okay, Gaily.
(people murmuring)
(harmonica playing)
(fiddle playing)
(spoons playing)
(foot stomps)
(lively music playing)
(feet tapping)
A tarantula!
(scared yelling)
Get it away from me!
(Moe screams)
- (slapping)
- What's the matter with you?
(gun shooting)
I killed it!
Oh! A field mouse.
Stand back, it's liable to bite you.
Shut five holes in a divot.
(slaps) Get outta here, come on.
Wasted five good slugs.
I'll sue you for this.
[Curly] Oh, superstitious, eh?
Oh, Vici Kid.
Gentlemen, you must control
your killing instincts.
Proceed with the testimony, please.
- (bops)
- Ow!
(Curly squeals)
(harmonica playing)
(string plucking)
(lively music playing)
That was sure hot, Moe. (patting)
(harmonica plays)
Hey, Larry!
(harmonica plays)
(harmonica plays)
(harmonica plays melody)
(people laughing)
(harmonica plays haltingly)
You got it.
Please omit the rest of the
entertainment and continue.
Now, Gaily's dance was over.
I stuck my head in the office door
and I saw Kirk Robin and Buck Wing arguing
over by the parrot cage.
[Counsel] What were they arguing about?
I don't know.
But Buck Wing was sizzling
like a hot hamburger.
He grabs Kirk with the
neck like that, see?
And drags him over the letter press, see?
(Curly whimpering)
Then he smacks him on the head
like that. (bopping)
(Curly moans)
Then he pokes his coconut
into the letter press.
See, like that.
Then he says,
I'll squeeze the cider
outta your Adam's apple.
Then he gives him the works like this.
(Curly whimpering)
And he keeps turning and twisting.
(Curly whimpering)
And that, ladies and gentlemen, is-
(mechanism whirring)
(metallic thud)
(people murmuring)
(whimpering weakly)
What's the matter? Do you wanna kill me?
Why it's preposterous.
When the police broke into the office,
they found this woman, the defendant,
Gail Tempest, bending over
the body of the murdered man
with a revolver clutching in her hand.
Which only goes to prove
that my client is innocent.
Exactly, and I'll prove it.
Ladies and gentlemen,
the action of this pistol is so hard,
it would take the strength of
a mule to pull the trigger.
Try it.
I'm no mule.
Nah, your ears are too short.
(whimpering) So I'm a mule.
Pull the trigger.
Never fear, it's not loaded.
All right. All right.
(gun clicks)
How could Gail Tempest's
frail little finger
pull the rusty trigger of that
instrument of destruction?
See, there was nothing in it.
(gun shoots)
Broad Lane, 9972.
After five o'clock.
It's stuck in me!
What's, what's the-
(gun shoots)
What'd you do with my boutonniere?
Give me that gun.
What happened?
Don't point that gun at me!
(gun shoots)
[Moe] Every man for himself, fellas.
Here, take it, take it.
Ah, there you are, boss.
You was called to be
a witness, wasn't you?
So was you!
What are you butting in for?
You're supposed to be
a good one, ain't you?
Well, ain't I?
Now what are you
disturbing the court for?
Get gone.
(people laughing)
(loud chewing)
Stop chewing that gum.
[Judge] Will you throw that gum away?
Look, I got rid of it.
(people laughing)
(gavel banging)
Wait a minute, hold still, I'll get it.
Oh, my nose.
Woo, woo!
(screaming excitedly)
Hey, you are in the court,
not in the woods, Tarzan.
(hand slaps)
Cut it out, come on.
(gavel banging)
Order in this court.
[Parrot] Find the letter.
(chirps) Find the letter.
What does this parrot
mean by, find the letter?
There's a whole pile of letters there.
It must be here.
(shuffling papers)
There's a note tied to the parrot's foot.
Come on Polly, Polly, Polly.
Come on Polly, Polly, Polly.
Come on Polly, Polly, Polly.
Come on.
(parrot chirps)
[Man] Look out, here he comes!
Get that bird!
(parrot chirps)
Oh, my Stradivarius!
Oh, my beautiful Stradivarius.
Grab your ear.
Come on.
(Curly whimpers)
(parrot chirps)
[Parrot] Find the letter.
Find the letter.
How we get him out?
Let's get some salt
and put it on his tail.
That's no way to get a parrot.
You're gotta wet his
feathers so he can't fly.
Oh, don't do nothing
until you hear from me.
Come on, gimme a hand.
Wait a minute, hold it.
What do you mean?
I object, Your Honor.
These proceedings, this courtroom.
What's the idea?
(water spraying)
(Curly whimpers)
Gimme that hose!
Due to the, what?
We gotta get that parrot.
Hey you!
(parrot chirping)
Shut that off!
Wait a minute, I'll
have to tie a knot in it.
Give me that. I got it.
Got it?
Get this!
Who killed Kirk Robin?
I killed Kirk Robin,
and not with my little bow and arrow.
Don't try to find me as I'm
shuffling off to Buffalo.
Signed, Buck Wing.
(group cheering and shouting)
Hold it, hold it.
Wait a minute, wait a
minute, wait a minute.
Nyuk nyuk nyuk.
Just a second now.
Now, ready?
Hold it.
(water spraying)
Unfortunately, in 1946,
Curly suffered a stroke
and he couldn't act in the movies anymore.
So they had to find a replacement
for "The Three Stooges".
His replacement ended up being
his real life brother Shemp.
Ironically, Shemp was one of
the original Three Stooges
in their 1920s vaudeville act,
but he left the group
to pursue a solo career
before they signed their movie contract
with Columbia Pictures.
In 1946, when Shemp returned to the group,
he did so under the agreement
that it would only just be
temporary until Curly got better.
Unfortunately, Curly did not get better,
so Shemp stayed with
the group for 10 years.
In this film, "Brideless Groom",
Shemp needs to get married
in order to inherit his uncle's fortune.
The bride, played by Christine McIntyre,
does not want to get married.
In one scene, she
accidentally punched Shemp
in the face for real.
Here now is "Brideless Groom"
starring Shemp Howard
in "The Three Stooges".
(elegant opera music)
Now you see Ms. Dinkelmeyer,
that's the way it should be sung.
Shall we try it again?
I'll try anything for you, Professor.
Oh, that's fine, fine.
If you please, Doctor.
(hand slapping)
(Larry groans)
(piano playing)
(off-key singing)
I hear the voice of spring and you
(off-key singing)
The birds return to skies of blue
(off-key singing)
No, no.
You are too fortissimo,
too allegro, too quantro.
Oh, is that bad?
It ain't good.
You're supposed to be singing
about the voices of spring,
not the eruption of a volcano.
Give with the throat,
not with the bellows.
Oh, Professor.
You want it more like a bird!
That's it. That's it.
Now give the bird.
(Larry snorts)
Ow! (groaning)
(fingers cracking)
(piano playing)
(off-key singing)
(increasingly loud off-key singing)
That's enough. That's enough.
We've done enough for today.
You might hurt your voice.
You know, bend it, crack it
or break it or something.
Oh, Professor, you're
so considerate. (giggles)
I'm just crazy about you.
Don't forget, we've got
another lesson Tuesday.
Gargle with old razor blades.
All right, Professor.
I know you wouldn't want
anything to happen to my throat.
Except to have somebody cut it.
How would you like to be
married to a dame like that?
Don't even say that.
Ooh! I oughta-
- You oughta what?
I oughta be a little more careful.
Well shut up and listen.
Do you remember your uncle Caleb?
Do I? Why, that old tightwad.
He'd steal flies from a blind spider.
But Shemp, he's-
- He is a louse and a weasel.
Yeah, well he just died
and left you 500,000 bucks.
Just like that old skinflint.
500,000 bucks!
(sobbing) Poor old uncle Caleb.
Like I was saying, he was a swell guy.
Give you the shirt off his back
and throw in the buttons too.
But there's one little catch.
You get the dough provided you're married.
So, (gasping) married!
No, no fellas.
I'm going to faint.
Or what?
If you get married within 48 hours
of the reading of the will.
What time was that?
Six o'clock the night before last.
You just got seven hours
to get yourself a bride!
It can't be done. No
woman is interested in me.
Maybe not pal, but
if you look real hard,
you might find one that's interested
in a half a million bucks.
Maybe you got something there.
You're darn right he has.
Do you know any girls?
I got a lot of numbers,
but I haven't had much
luck with 'em lately.
Well, you can't get killed for trying.
Where's the phone?
There's a booth down the hall.
Well, what are we waiting for, come on!
Down the hall!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh, oh.
Here, here's six nickels.
That makes 17.
You ought to hit the
jackpot with one of 'em.
Go ahead.
Gimme Susquehanna. 2, 2, 2, 2.
Say, he's been in there over an hour.
What are you getting nervous about?
When Shemp pours on the
charm, no dame can resist him.
I hope you are right.
Is this Ginger Gray?
It is?
Well, this is your little snookums.
I'm about to do you a
big favor. (chuckling)
Will you marry me?
Oh, oh! (groans)
Hey, any luck?
I've got one phone
number and one nickel left.
Well start using it.
- (coin falls)
- Oh.
You clumsy ox, you. Where'd that go?
It went down here someplace.
Let's find it.
I think it went over that side.
Here, take this receiver.
I got, I got it.
All right. Just take it.
Wait a minute. Wait a minute.
Get this out of my hair here.
Alright. Alright.
Easy, easy, easy. Get off your foot.
Look at, look at what I got here.
What's that?
I don't know.
Wait a minute.
It leads around under my arm,
and up here around the neck.
That's your-
- Get your hand off of me here.
[Shemp] Oh, alright. Alright.
Easy, easy.
Now wait a minute.
Can you dial from there?
No. Can you?
Oh, oh, oh.
If I come around like this one
and get up in this one.
How's that?
Well, it don't feel as good as
when I did this.
Oh, wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait, take it easy.
Now look.
We ain't getting no place fast.
Let's get this thing right the right way.
Get this off.
Alright, alright.
[Moe] Can't stand it anymore.
It started with the book, didn't it?
Moe, where's your hat?
How you doing?
Get your hand outta my face.
That ain't my hand, that's your hand.
All right. You asked for it.
- (chomping)
- Ow!
Say Miss, would you like to get married?
Get married.
Well, I don't know,
but you are kind of cute at that.
Oh, it's not me, it's him.
(woman screams)
We gotta get out of this.
There isn't much time left.
You know that, don't you?
What happened?
That's what I wanna know.
Wait a minute.
Did you get a load of that?
What a dish.
I wonder who she is.
We'll soon find out.
Oh boy?
Who's the new dame?
A Miss Hopkins.
Miss Hopkins. Did you hear that, kid?
And good looking too.
Go get her, Shemp.
Oh, wait a minute.
You can't propose to a
girl looking like that.
We gotta give you the works, come on.
Stand still, will you? We gotta get going.
It's three o'clock now.
And if you don't marry
a girl by six o'clock,
we're out of the money.
I said stand still.
Oh. Oh, Moe, Moe, I'm blind!
You burnt my eye out.
Get a towel, Moe, get a towel.
(sobbing) Oh, oh, oh.
Hey, where are the towels?
[Larry] In the bottom drawer.
- I got it.
- (wood crashing)
(laughing) You sure look funny
with a Buster Brown collar.
Hold that.
(wood crashing)
You do too.
Where are you?
Say, I forgot to tell you.
When the afternoon papers come
out, you're gonna be famous.
How come?
I gave the story to the reporters.
Yes, sir, Shemp Howard to
inherit a half a million bucks.
Let's get going, kid.
(razor scraping)
I am telling you to hold
still now, I'm warning you.
Oh, excuse me.
[Moe] Hold still!
(razor scraping)
Oh! Almost had seven years of bad luck.
(bowl clanking)
Oh! How do you like that?
I said stand still. (springing)
Oh, oh, oh!
Hey, I cut off my head, I cut off my head.
Moe, my head is off.
Moe! My head is off. (sobbing)
My head is off.
Oh, oh, there I am.
And as pretty as a picture.
Yeah, of an ape.
(hand slaps)
Now get going.
This means half a million dollars.
[Shemp] I know what it means.
Here you are.
Boy, am I tired.
Where do I throw this water?
(Moe yelling)
You look good.
You look great, kid.
You're a cinch. Go to it.
Oh, come on. Come on.
Oh, hello.
(Shemp stammers)
Come in!
Cousin Basil, oh!
I'm so happy to see you.
I, I-
- I've just been dying to meet you.
Ah, ah.
You even cuter than
Aunt Sadie said you were.
(lips smacking)
Oh boy. Success.
Yeah, listen to those kisses.
(lips smacking)
Cut it out. (slaps)
Oh, you must be exhausted
after your long trip.
Sit down.
Let me look at you, Cousin Basil, oh!
(phone rings)
Now don't you go away.
Yes, this is Miss Hopkins.
You're Cousin Basil?
Well then who is?
I was just-
- How dare you pretend
to be my Cousin Basil?
(slapping) I'll teach you a thing or two.
(slapping) You wolf!
Don't you dare strike me!
- Who...
- (slapping)
Taking advantage of a
poor, weak, helpless woman.
Boy, his kisses are getting louder.
You, you horrible person, you.
(door crashing)
(Shemp groans)
Get up, come here.
What happened, kid?
Can I help it if I ain't Cousin Basil?
Oh, Professor!
Are you all right?
Oh, I'm fine.
All I wanted to do was propose.
Oh, Professor, this is so sudden.
You mean you'll really marry him?
Oh, of course.
He's my little old dream boat!
Your little dream boat is sailing.
Hoo! Hoo!
Wait a minute.
You're gonna sail away
from half a million bucks?
We only got two hours left.
Come on, get going.
(birds chirping)
Come right in, folks.
Yes, yes indeed.
Say, here's the license.
My pal wants to get married in a rush.
- Oh, splendid!
- (phone rings)
Oh, excuse me.
Who? Mr. Howard?
Yes, he's here.
How many of them?
Wow. Yeah, yeah.
Okay. Thanks.
That was the clerk at the apartment.
Those dames you phoned this morning
found out about the 500
grand in the papers.
Come on, pal, we gotta make this fast.
Have you got the ring?
Why certainly, certainly I got it.
(piano key plays)
It went in the piano.
Get it.
You see anything?
Yeah, wires.
(smashing piano keys)
Listen, you.
You know, I think
the piano's outta tune.
- Go on.
- (smashing piano keys)
I think I see it.
Oh, oh!
Look out, get up out of there.
Get me outta here.
My face! Oh!
You wanna spoil my looks?
Nevermind your face and get that ring.
It's a quarter to six.
(wire stretches)
Oh, I'm awful sorry.
So am I.
Get outta here.
Whoa, whoa. Oh, oh.
Quit playing around in
there and get that ring.
Oh, oh, oh!
(smashing piano keys)
Get me outta here, get me out.
That dummy. All right.
(wires stretching)
Oh, oh!
He's all tangled up with wires!
All right, we'll back him
up and we'll break him out.
(wires stretching)
Oh, my poor piano!
Shut up.
Hey, set him down, we'll get a new grip.
Easy now. Wait, get this stuff off.
Oh, oh, oh.
You get in the messes every time.
Give me your arm.
A few minutes left and
no ring, no nothing.
Wait a minute, fellas.
Here's the ring.
How do you like that? Get up.
Okay, partner, we're
ready for the kickoff.
Join hands, you lovebirds.
(crowd murmuring)
There he is!
(women talking over each other)
Wait a minute!
Who is this character?
She's the bride.
Oh yeah?
Not while I got my strength.
Tell the truth, didn't you propose to me?
Yes, but I'm with-
- Didn't you?
Yes, but you turned me down.
That was before I read
the papers, now I accept.
Okay, toots. Let her rip.
He proposed to me too!
(women clamoring)
Look at that.
We better do something fast.
Wait a minute, wait a minute.
What's going on here?
Ow! Ow!
- (women squealing)
- Ladies, ladies!
(women shuffling and yelling)
Justice please, please hurry up.
Hold hands, you lovebirds.
(women screaming and yelling)
(gasps) Oh my goodness.
(birds chirp)
Oh, ow!
Oh, wait a minute.
You wouldn't hit a lady with that.
Use this, it's bigger.
Oh, thanks.
(loud banging)
Will you marry me?
No! (groaning)
(wheel squeaking)
(women yelling over each other)
(Moe stammers)
(screaming in pain)
I'm getting a headache!
- I'll fix your headache.
- Oh!
Oh, oh, Larry, an octopus is on me!
- (Moe groans)
- Hold still.
I'll get it, hold still.
Now what do you say?
- (hitting table)
- I give up, I'll marry you.
(women yelling)
Oh. Mr. Benton, please, please hurry.
Hold hands, you lover birds.
Oh. (groaning)
How are you?
What do you mean, how am I?
Congratulations, both of you.
Oh thank you, thank you.
We're married!
We made it!
It's six o'clock and you're married.
What happened? What happened?
You're married, kid, say something.
Help! Help!
(lighthearted music)
Our next Three Stooges short
again stars Shemp, Larry and Moe,
running a tailor shop called Pip Boys.
Pip Boys is a spoof
of the automotive repair
company called Pep Boys.
In this film, our trio is
in desperate need of money,
so they decide to capture
a fugitive bank robber
so they can get a reward.
Of course, things do not go as planned
and the boys get themselves
in a lot of trouble.
Here now is "The Three Stooges" short
entitled "Sing a Song of Six Pants".
(rubbing vigorously)
That is the toughest
spot I ever tackled.
Shemp, gimme a hand, will you?
I can't now, I gotta finish my pants.
Hey fellas.
Listen to this letter.
That ain't for us, we're not gentlemen.
Speak for yourself.
- (bops)
- Oh!
This is to inform you that
unless overdue payments
for tailoring equipment
are made within 24 hours,
we will repossess said equipment.
Balance now due, 321 dollars and 86 cents.
Skin and Flint Finance Corporation.
I. Fleecem, President.
That'll put us out of
business, what'll do we do?
You guys worry about that.
I'm too young to worry and get wrinkles
on my pretty little face.
What we need is a little
music to cheer us up.
(radio buzzing)
[Radio Announcer] News flashes.
Police are frantically scouring the town
in search of Terry
Slippery Fingered Hargen.
Hargan has robbed his 18th
consecutive safe in nine days.
A large reward is offered for his capture.
Does your car have indigestion?
Does it burp in the morning?
Try No Burpaline.
The only gasoline containing
bicarbonate of soda.
Hey Moe.
Why don't we capture Hogan
and collect the reward
and we can pay our bills.
Oh, it's as simple as all that.
Hargan is gonna walk right in
here and let you capture him.
You are nuts.
We're gonna be paupers. Paupers!
Are you kidding? We're not even married.
Why don't you be quiet?
Well, anyway, I got the spot out.
Oh boy, am I a sap.
I can't think when I'm hungry.
Oh, a funny man. (slaps)
What's a matter what you?
What did I do?
Who wants lunch?
[Larry] I do.
[Shemp] Make me some too, will ya?
Okay, coming up.
(pancake batter sizzling)
Oh, boy.
(giggling excitedly)
(laughing loudly)
What are you stalling around for?
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
You know you're got a
rush order to get out.
Get Mr. Grant's pants and hand press 'em.
All right, all right,
but where are they?
I pinned 'em up in the shade.
What'd you do with 'em?
I didn't touch 'em.
Uh oh.
Here, hurry up and press those.
What are you standing around for?
Oh, oh.
(iron sizzles)
Oh! (groaning)
(grunting with effort)
You double crosser!
Oh, oh!
(door slamming)
Oh, oh, oh, oh.
(growling aggressively)
Wise guy, this time I'll close you.
(broom smacking)
I'm sorry, Moe.
Oh, oh, think nothing of it.
Oh gee, thanks.
Hey, you are welcome.
(Shemp groans)
What's the idea?
I'm sorry, you stepped into me.
Hey fellas!
A customer!
Say, have you seen-
- Yes sir.
- Don't worry about it.
You've really come to the right place.
You bet.
This is the store where your
dollars have more cents.
See, we've got the very
sport coat you're looking for.
I don't want a coat.
But listen, mister, we're
going to give you a bargain.
Where did you ever get this mess?
I bought it here.
Oh, what a beautiful
masterpiece. (chuckling)
Here? Isn't it a beauty?
Genuine import, smell the ocean.
And it's 200% wool.
Yeah, these sheep let
a double life, yes sir.
Let's get it on, right in there.
I don't, will you-
- There you are.
I don't want a coat,
I don't want a coat.
I don't want a coat!
[Stooges] Oh, he don't want a coat.
What he wants is a
pair of our slick slacks.
Why didn't you tell
me the man wants slacks?
Get him slacks.
(slaps) Go ahead.
I don't want any slick-
- All right, now look bud.
In this store, the
customer's always right.
Here you are, brother, slick slacks.
Try 'em on for size.
Oh yes, try 'em right on.
Gee, officer, we-
- Quiet!
Do you birds realize you
just let Terry Hargen,
the bank robber, slip
right through my hands?
I ought to run you in!
Please, officer, I got
six wives and two kids.
Honest, officer, there
was nobody came in here.
Well, he's in the neighborhood.
Keep a sharp look out.
I'll be back.
- Right.
- Right.
Hello, sugar plum, how are you?
Just dandy.
(Flossie laughs)
Listen carefully.
My clothes are in the
Pip Boy's Tailor Shop
around the corner.
Now in the watch pocket of the trouser,
there's a piece of paper
with a combination to a safe.
I want to do that job tonight
and I need that paper.
Okay, sugar, just leave it to me.
(machine whirring)
(paper rumpling)
Hey, fellas.
What is it?
Look what I found in
the pocket of these pants.
L-R-L-R-L-R-L. One, one, two.
L-one, R-one, left one, right one.
This is the combination to a safe.
TH, I wonder what that means.
Teddy Hoosevelt?
You're wrong, Quiz Kid.
- I got it. I got it!
- What?
Thomas Hedison.
Why don't you dumbbells stop!
Terry Hargan.
Terry Hargan, he was here.
The bank robber was here!
You're crazy.
Those clothes came off one of the dummies.
Now no cracks.
(finger cracking)
Hi ya, fellas.
Is my coat altered?
Just finished.
- Oh, fine.
- Try it on.
There we are.
Wait a minute, here. Brush him off.
Sleeves, 31 inches.
- How's that?
- That's right. 31.
Who made that hat?
My mother.
I thought so.
There ya are, you're all set.
Well, see you on payday.
What kind of brushing
is going around here?
He had a loose baste.
Yes ma'am?
Do you dye?
Oh, that's his natural expression.
What can we do for you?
I'd like to have this dress dyed.
What color?
Henna color.
You mean henna color at all?
No, H-E-N-N-A.
Henna, it's kind of a brown reddish.
I never ate a brown radish.
I'm also interested in a sport coat
and a pair of slacks, for my brother.
There's exactly what I want.
Oh yes, you have it.
Tailored gabardine.
How much would that be?
- 42.
- 47.
You better add that up.
(register clanking)
What's the total?
(machine clanking)
$411, but there's a sale today.
You get ten percent off.
That makes it 42.50.
I'll take it.
Oh, just a moment, I'll be right back.
(paper crumpling)
Henna color.
You mean brown radish?
Oh, yellow turnip, blue cucumbers.
- Anything at all.
- Oh, I see, go ahead.
There we are.
[Flossie] You said 42.50?
100, 200, 300,
450, there you are.
Keep the change.
Aren't we the saps?
We had a fortune in our hand
and we let it slide through.
I'm gonna search all the clothes.
Me too.
400, 100.
Hey look, I found another 50!
Yeah, so you did.
Wise guy. (cracking)
Hey, leave him alone.
Hi ya, fellas.
My wife is just crazy about
the way you fixed this coat.
She wants you to make me
a pair of pants to match.
(bodies thudding)
You got 'em.
There you are, sugar plum.
I knew you'd come through, baby.
This is it.
Received payment in
full, Pip Boys Cleaners.
Why the dirty...
They even took my
bankroll, the dirty crooks.
Come on boys, we're going calling.
Green suit dry clean.
Dry, clean.
Gold band, repair the pockets.
Gold band, repair pockets.
Yes, what can we do for you, sir?
We'd like to have our suits
cleaned and pressed while we wait.
Why certainly, yes sir,
that's what we'll do.
Oh. Oh.
(elastic snapping)
All right, bub.
Where's that piece of paper
was in my pants pocket?
You mean the one with the numbers on it?
That's it, that's it.
And the letters, L-R-L-R-L?
Yes, yes, where is it?
I never saw it.
Oh, a wise guy.
Okay, fellas. Make them talk.
Get 'em!
Now take it easy.
Where's that guy was here?
He went that away.
Oh, I'll get him.
(elastic snapping)
Cut it out, will you?
(laughing hysterically)
Cut it out, I'm ticklish!
All right, come across with that paper.
Oh, the paper.
Yes, the paper.
Why didn't you say so?
There it is. (slapping)
(groans in pain)
Hey Larry. I got him!
Nice work, Moe.
We might as well press his pants.
Ouch! (moaning)
Where is that paper?
I tell you, I haven't got it.
You'll talk.
(Shemp yells)
You'll talk now.
- Hey!
- Shut up!
Where is that piece of paper?
I haven't got it.
Oh, still won't talk.
- (slapping)
- Oh! Oh! Oh!
Oh, I didn't mean it.
I didn't mean it, honest I didn't.
Still won't talk?
Oh, his head is steaming.
(body thuds)
Success! That's it.
Oh! (yelling)
Hey, Moe!
Moe, Larry, get me off here!
Take it easy, we'll get you right.
(Shemp whimpers)
How do you feel, kid?
Oh, I'm all right.
We got him, we got Hargen!
What's that?
It's Hargen all right.
Nice work boys.
We're in the chips.
The moolah!
Now we can pay Skin and Flint.
Oh, a couple of more.
Hold him while I phone for the wagon.
Wait a minute.
When do we get our reward?
The reward?
Oh, I get the reward.
But here's some tickets
to the policeman's ball.
Tickets to the policeman's ball?
Oh, green stuff.
I'll take him. Thanks again, boys.
Oh, thank you.
Hurry up, count it
quick, how much we got?
Wait a minute.
100, 200, 300,
400, 500, a 50.
Oh, how did that get in here? (laughing)
(lighthearted music)
We have time for one
more "Three Stooges" short.
"Malice in the Palace"
features Larry, Moe and Shemp
running a restaurant
when they get involved
in a scheme to steal a priceless diamond.
(plates crashing)
(foreboding music)
Just past the hour.
I wonder what delays Haffa Dalla.
Fear not, most illustrious
Hassan Ben Sober.
Fear not.
Haffa Dalla will get the
map by hook or crook,
as sure as my name is Ghinna Rumma.
Quite so.
- (hitting table)
- Service!
How about a little service!
(Stooges talking over each other)
Yes, sir. Coming up!
Yes, sir, we have all the service.
At your service.
Boy, if I hadn't ducked,
we'd have collided sure.
What a narrow escape.
(plates crashing)
What's the matter with you?
Take this off!
Take this off!
Now take it easy.
We'll have you all fixed up in a minute.
What's this?
Oh, happy birthday. (chuckling)
Hold this.
Just a minute, I'll take it right off.
I would leave it on.
People don't know if you're
coming to go on with this on.
There you are, sir.
You look very pretty, and the
spaghetti is as good as new.
Why you!
Moe! Whoa!
Dog of dogs, how dare you?
A thousand pardons, it was unavoidable.
Wait a minute, wait a minute!
This would degrade you.
'Tis true. I am an aristocrat.
I am Hassan Ben Sober!
I had a few too many myself.
- (laughing)
- Quiet!
We gotta clean up this mess.
Why you! Get busy.
What are you doing?
Stop it, will you?
(plates breaking)
Cut it out.
[Hassan] We'll travel by night.
Perhaps if Haffa Dalla does not-
- Greetings, greetings!
Did you bring the map, Haffa Dalla?
Aye, chief.
And as I slit his throat,
with his dying breath
he said someone else had a duplicate map.
'Tis bad.
We must leave it once
if we are to be the first to reach
King Rootin' Tootin's tomb.
Make preparations to depart immediately.
Aye, chief.
But remember the curse.
He who touches the jewel first
is doomed to a thousand deaths.
We must secure the services of three
and when we get them to
do our bidding. (clicks)
Yes, but we best have
food before we travel.
Service! Waiters!
(hitting table)
Here we are, at your service! (slaps)
What'll you have?
We want-
- We don't have anymore.
All we got left is rabbit and hot dogs.
- Rabbit.
- Hot dog.
Hot dog, they'll take rabbit.
Okay, coming up!
Okay, coming right out.
Coming right out.
Here we are, pepper and salt.
(Shemp huffing)
That bus boy's off.
(water bubbling)
Come here.
Come here, you.
(cat meows)
I'll fix you.
Why you. (grumbling)
(awkward throat clearing)
(knife banging)
(cat meowing)
(knife banging)
(cat meowing loudly)
(cat screeches in pain)
(dog whining)
Get outta here.
Come here you.
It couldn't be. Or could it?
Now you stay here and you be a good boy,
you, now sit there.
(dog barks)
(knife bangs)
(dog barks)
(dog cries out)
(knife banging)
Here you are, gentlemen.
Hot dogs.
When it comes to cooking,
I'm the cat's meow!
Sit down!
Oh, but I'm not tired, I'll
just stand while you eat.
Sit down with your hands on or off.
You talked us into it.
[Hassan and Ghinna] Eat!
(dog barks)
Did you hear anything?
Yeah, I did.
(cat meows)
(startled gasp)
Sit down and eat!
[Shemp and Moe] Eat.
(dog whining)
(cat purring)
(cat meowing)
(cat snarling)
(dog barks)
(cat meows)
(wailing sadly)
(lips smacking)
I killed it, I killed it.
Oh, I killed it. (sobbing)
This just can't be.
(animal snarling)
Ooh! (squeals uncomfortably)
(Larry humming merrily)
Forgot the mustard!
So you are the perpetrator of this.
Sit down and eat.
Sit down.
Its a pleasure, thank you!
(cat growling)
(surprised yelling)
(plates crashing)
(dog barking)
There's the dog and cat!
Why didn't you tell me?
- (slapping)
- Shut up!
Let him alone.
Oh cut it out.
These three.
They are the ones that
get the jewel for us.
Who came in?
No, you.
How would you boys like to
make a thousand shilbleenas?
You've convinced us.
What do we have to do?
There is a diamond
worth a king's ransom.
Did you hear? A king's ransom.
This map will lead us to the treasure.
Now pay strict attention.
(arrow thwacking)
(Moe gasps)
Hassan Ben Sober.
You are late.
I got the diamond, you got the gate.
Signed, Omagash, Emir of Shmow.
(crying) Ruined!
That murderous cutthroat.
He has the famous 100 carat diamond!
A hundred carrots, he sure
knew his onions. (giggling)
- Quiet.
- (bops)
This map is useless to me now.
With that diamond, I
could have quit my job
as the doorman at the Oasis
Hotel! (sobbing loudly)
Hey, Spinach Chin!
Do you mean me to tell
me you're only a doorman?
Well, there's the door, man.
(sobbing) Will you
give me five for this?
No, but I'll give you two.
I'll take it.
Get out.
(loud crashing)
There's only one 100 carat diamond
and it comes from Rootin' Tootin's tomb.
That's government property.
Right, and if we return
it, we'll get a big reward.
Yeah, maybe 50,000 bucks!
Boy, with that kinda money,
we could rent a one room
apartment in Hollywood.
But that Emir of Schmow is a cutthroat.
Suppose he cuts my throat.
[Larry and Moe] Well?
Now don't worry.
We'll be disguised, we'll
find the shortest way.
Now here, study this map closely.
We start here at Jerkola,
down the Insane River,
over the Giva Dam,
through Pushover, across Schmowland,
to the stronghold of Schmow.
Get up, get up, whoa.
Halt! Who goes there?
[Stooges] Santa Claus.
Ah, there ain't no Santa Claus.
Oh, yes there is, and
we got a present for you.
You have? Where?
- Right there.
- (crowbar hitting)
(cuckoo chirping)
(crowbar hitting)
Okay, boys.
Coast is clear, come on.
(hushed whispering)
Come on!
(sword clanging)
(cuckoo chirping)
(humming happily)
Okay, let's find the diamond.
(Schmow laughing)
It's the Schmow!
The Schmow!
(Schmow laughing loudly)
There he is, and he's
wearing the diamond.
Now's our chance to get it.
(low growling)
Fi fi fo fum.
I am the evil spirit
that guards the Rootin' Tootin' diamond.
Give it to me lest evil befall you.
Yes sir, yes sir.
The spirit commands you
to stand on your head in that lily pond
until further notice.
Oh, hide quick, somebody's coming.
Go, scram!
(men groaning)
(yelling in fear)
Whoa! Whoa!
Here, hold it.
I'll kill you!
(fruit smashing)
(yelling in frustration)
I'll kill you!
Gotcha. Bullseye!
Why you!
Your hat.
Thank you.
[Moe] You're welcome.
[Guard] Why you!
(vase clanging)
(body thuds)
Well, that's that.
(body thuds)
Get up here.
Hey, the Schmow is flooded.
(water spraying)
(Stooges laughing)
Sister, looks like you're out of a job.
(laughing) Where's that diamond, kids?
Here it is.
(panicked yelling)
(triumphant music)
As we mentioned earlier,
"The Three Stooges"
filmed 190 short films
for Columbia Pictures
in the 1930s, '40s and '50s.
These short films were originally designed
to be shown in theaters, but by the 1960s,
television was really popular
and in need of programming.
So these 190 short films
were then syndicated
for television, and "The
Three Stooges" became popular
with a whole new generation of fans.
- I got it.
- (crashing)
Today, these short films
as well as "The Three
Stooges" feature films
are still shown on cable
TV and streaming platforms
all around the world.
400, 500.
A 50, oh, how did that
get in here? (chuckles)
Even though Larry, Curly, Moe and Shemp
are no longer with us, their
films will live on forever.
Thank you for watching
this "Three Stooges Comedy Collection".
I know you enjoyed it as much as I did.
Thank you for watching, and
I hope to see you again soon.
(lively classical music)