Tickles the Clown (2021) Movie Script

[spaceship engine roaring]
[Warden] Well, you
look like a tractor
lericon dragged in.
Princess Kali Devine
in the flesh, kind of.
Why don't you unzip that
space suit and relax.
It's safe here.
You must be joking.
This prison houses over 400
of the most vile,
reprehensible, dangerous
and psychotic criminals this
side of the car star system.
This is the last place
a lady can feel safe.
[Warden] You forget Princess.
We haven't had a breakout
or an uprising in
nearly 10 years.
You can relax.
[Warden] Why don't
you come up to my office
for some coffee and couch time.
Excuse me.
[Warden] That came out wrong.
I would hope so.
I'm the leader of the Galaxy's
Allied Forces, warden,
commander of the last surviving
humans in our universe.
I don't have couch
time, as you say.
[Warden] I'm only trying
to make you feel at home Kali.
Call me Princess.
And if I ever feel at
home here, shoot me.
[Warden] Yes, man.
My guards will escort
you to your man.
He's in our super max wing.
You have to pass through
several security checkpoints
to get to him.
The holes narrow the
further in you go.
I hope you're not
If you feel faint,
breathing apparatuses are
available from the duty sergeant.
I'll be alright.
[Warden] Very well.
And just one more thing,
Tickles is a talker.
He'll spin you in
circles if you let him.
It's best to be blunt,
straightforward to the point.
No chitchat, you follow?
I think I've got it.
[Warden] And I hope so.
Always very nice
seeing you, Princess.
In you go.
Good afternoon, Tickles.
Afternoon, that don't
mean nothing to me, Girly.
I live on the fluorescence.
It's always afternoon or evening
or early morning or
whatever you want it to be.
As you wish.
I've come so.
Excuse me.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Now go on, detail your importance
in those drawl dry terms
you official types always use
to illustrate your authority.
And use your syntax.
You know that cadence,
that lets me know I'm
speaking to someone
who holds my fate in the palm
of their soft little hand.
I don't know who you think
you're talking to Tickles.
Well, then why
don't you tell me?
Introduce yourself.
You know my name.
It's only fair I
should know yours.
I'm Princess Kali Devine,
Commander of the Allied Forces.
Oh, all of those
strong titles,
princess, commander.
I bet you like it
on top, don't ya?
[laughs loudly]
Let's cut to the
chase, Tickles.
Oh, yes Kali.
I love a woman who
knows what she wants.
Question is, does she
know how to get it?
I'm here to offer you some
time out of this airtight cell.
Room to juggle, I'm listening.
I'd like to escort you
to the prison infirmary
for some tests.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Escort, oh, I know
I'm a VIP prisoner,
but this is really extra.
I wasn't expecting the warden
to send me my own escort.
Hey, why don't you take
off that stuffy suit
and let me see the goods.
That's funny, Tickles.
Everyone here keeps offering
me the chance to shed my suit.
Well, save your breath.
I'm not interested.
Oh, but I am.
Good for you.
Now back to my offer,
How would you like
to stretch your legs?
If it's between
yours, you're on.
It's not.
From what I understand,
you have been on this
room in two years.
Is that correct?
[Tickles] I wouldn't know.
Time is a construct.
[Kali] Well, I'm offering you
a change of scenery for the day.
In exchange for?
Tests, like I said.
I've taken their IQ test
three times in here, Girly.
You wanna know what
my results were?
It doesn't matter.
Oh, but I like to tell people.
189, 198 and 202.
You see, I'm actually
getting smarter in here.
I'm a veritable genius.
That's neither here nor there.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Neither here nor there,
I'm here and you're there.
Or, are you here
and I'm there?
[Tickles laughs loudly]
[Kali] Playing board games
is a waste of both
of our time, Tickles.
But I don't have
anything else to do.
My schedule is clear.
And anyway, I'm
telling you the truth.
Here or there, I'm here.
I'm there, you're here.
And here we are.
There it is.
Where it gets iffy is
if I'm there and you're there
or I'm here and you're here
and I can smell you and
reach out and touch you.
Your scent is wafting
through these vents.
[Kali] Enough chatter clown.
Give me your answer.
How badly do you want it?
Not bad enough to stay in
here, going in circles with you.
Then lie down and
I'll go in circles,
slow, steady
circles, making you.
I take it you're
not interested.
You take it however I
choose to give it, Girly.
I see.
It looks like we're done here.
Oh, so soon?
You won't give
a straight answer.
Oh, but I've given you a
string of straight answers.
It's your questions that
are crooked, commander.
How's that?
I made you a transparent offer,
agree to some tests
and I'll escort you to
the infirmary for the day.
What sort of tests?
[Kali] A basic, but
comprehensive physical.
Eye, ear, nose and throat
checkups, a cat scan,
MRI, EKG and a blood draw.
Yeah, you want to
check this nose, huh?
[Kali] Straight
offer, like I said.
Why do you want
to draw my blood?
It's just part of the
testing and formality.
Formalities don't
exist in here, Girly.
Everything happens for a reason.
A clear reason, that always
benefits that machine
not the man.
[Kali] It's not
a trick, Tickles.
Drawing blood allows the doctors
to comprehensively
review your blood count,
metabolic and thyroid
panels, enzyme markers
and to check for any vitamin
deficiencies and diseases.
To what end?
To send me back to my cell,
knowing I'm of
sound mind and body
as I rot for the rest of
my life under these lights!
You know, they never
turn them off, ah?
You knew the consequences
of your actions, Tickles.
Our galaxy is not easy on
criminals of your caliber.
Oh, you mean my ex-caliber?
I'm just a clown in a cage,
a sad clown who lived
to make people laugh.
And now sees only
his own reflection.
Are you coming or not?
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Give me a minute,
I'm almost there.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
[Kali] I'm not laughing.
Why would an intergalactic
Allied Commander
want to escort me to a
basic prison physical.
We keep records of every
incarcerated individual
in this universe.
It serves the Allies course.
And I wanted to see
the infamous Tickles,
the clown for myself.
You tell me the real
reason or you fuck off.
It would behoove
interstellar security
for me to lie to you.
No, would it be behoove
Interstellar security
for you to tell me the truth?
But if you change
your mind dear,
you know where to find me.
[space ship engine revving]
No matter what I said,
he wouldn't go along with it.
There was nothing that was
going to change his mind.
So I left.
It was a complete waste of time.
So we'll move to plan B.
So what's plan B, VH?
We'll call the warden,
have an extraction
team hog tie that clown
and drag him out of
his cell feet first.
Carry his fat ass to the
infirmary and restrain him,
spike his vein and draw
as much blood as we need.
That's what we should have
done in the first place.
Creating physical
distress for the subject
is not recommended for
our purposes, Van Helsing.
If it's acting restrained,
the clown's body will
release natural endorphins
to quill the stress, pain
and fear of his situation.
The presence of these endorphins
may interfere with the
creation of the new serum.
God damn!
I know I'm just a
Sasquatch in the hall,
but can somebody please
borrow that mumbo jumbo down
and explain what the fuck
the doc is talking about.
Relaxed Foot, it'll
all makes sense soon.
VH is right Bigfoot.
For now we need to
decide our next move.
Our surveillance shows that
the Illuminati Army is hard
at work in the current star
system, building a bigger,
better headquarters
destroyer than before.
If we don't act fast,
they'll return with a vengeance
and they'll be
stronger than ever.
Then we'll kick
their asses again,
and again and again.
It always is the same
for those scaly pricks.
And it always will.
This time can be
different, Big foot
through extensive
laboratory research.
We finally identified
and isolated the RX
Two sociopathy gene
found in Illuminati DNA.
By going in and mutating
the gene beyond recognition,
we can subvert the
intentions of its hosts
effectively defeating
them from within.
Oh, I get it, victory,
but, wear sneakers shit.
Man, I can dig it.
So can I Foot.
None of us are
getting any younger.
It's hard enough to squeeze it
into our fighter cockpits
for long stretches,
not to mention the
quick reflexes it takes
to survive the new
laser fights out there.
Slowly but surely,
Illuminati technology
is passing us by.
Pretty soon, what's left of
human beings will be obsolete.
They'll pick us apart
remotely like virtual gamers.
We can't let them complete
that new destroyer.
If we do, it could be the end.
It won't be.
We've come this far
and we're not backing down.
We know the Illuminati will
never stop coming after us.
And we've beaten them
back to the point
that they're immobilized.
Now's the time to finish them.
So forgive me if
I'm missing something,
but why are we fucking
around with this clown.
What do we need him for?
Out of thousands of hours of
research and experimentation,
Tickles is the only
individual we found
whose blood possesses
the genetic code
to reverse the RX Two gene.
That fucking clown
holds the antibody
to the Illuminati's evil.
I've heard it all now.
It may be hard to believe,
but it's the truth.
Science doesn't lie.
And since Tickles is
already in custody
in the Galaxy's toughest
maximum security prison,
he's got to be the
subject we extract from.
Okay, so how come we don't
just trick his goofy ass,
string him up, slice him open
and bring him out.
It sounds easy
enough, I'm aware.
But any synthetic tranquilizer
will interfere with the
genome, like dye and water.
The blood must be
kept clean and pure
for it to be of use in
manufacturing the serum.
So what are we gonna do?
Run around with syringes,
sticking every one of those
lizarding folks, we can find.
No Bigfoot, we're
already working
on a zero gravity
directional warhead
to deliver the serum to the
Illuminati sub-base incur,
like a nuclear bomb.
None of them will be
able to run or hide.
[Ghostly Voice] Like a
bug bomb on a roach motel.
Ah fucking [mumbles]
And before we can
begin engineering the RX
to reverse the serum,
we have to have Tickles
the clown's blood
free of all impurities.
There's simply no other way.
And I'm the only visitor
Tickles has granted access to
in the three years he's
been held in prison.
For whatever reason,
he'll speak to me.
I know the reason.
If I was locked in a box for
the rest of my natural life,
I want to see a nice
little piece of ass
once in a while too.
Hell, yeah.
Many traits become arousing
if one takes the time to
ponder them, just saying.
Don't be creepy pal.
So what's our next move Kali.
I'm going to
visit Tickles again,
gain his trust, get his blood
and bring it into this God
forsaken war once and for all.
[eerie music]
I'm not comfortable
with you going to see
that clown again, Kali.
Don't like the idea of
you being alone with him.
It has to be done, VH.
You heard Dr. Jekyll.
There's no other way.
There's always another way.
Well, I'm in command
and as long as I'm in command,
I'll call the shots.
We're still alive after all
and the Illuminati
Army is in tatters.
For now, but that could
all change in a heartbeat
if you let your guard down,
even for a split second
and get too close to Tickles.
Don't worry, clowns
don't turn me on.
I know.
I care about you Kali.
I don't know what I'd do
if anything happened
to you out there.
I've never heard
you talk like this VH.
If I didn't know better,
I'd think you were in love.
Oh, how long have
you felt this way?
Long enough.
I see.
I've been under the impression
you only wanted to release.
What's changed your mind.
I've seen enough death and
destruction for one lifetime,
even if I am a clone.
But when I look into your eyes,
just be careful
out there, alright?
I always am.
I was shocked to hear
what VH said today.
And while I've been
lost in his eyes
for longer than I
care to admit now,
I've never expected him
to return the sentiment.
I want to stop the
madness in this galaxy,
all of us allies do.
But one of the
reasons for that is,
I'm thinking more
and more about kids,
about the world will leave them
and about humanity,
not just surviving,
but thriving as we
once did so long ago.
Maybe VH and I,
there's no point
thinking about this now.
Before it can even be
close to a reality,
we have to stamp
out the Illuminati.
And to do that,
I have to go through
Tickles and his games.
[space ship engine roaring]
[Warden] Princess
Devine you're back.
Your last visit made quite
the splash with my inmates,
so to speak.
That means nothing to me.
I'm only here to
reach one inmate.
Yes, and I must say
your effect on him
has been quite remarkable.
Oh, how so?
He's never been this
quiet and well-behaved
in the three years
he's been with us.
I'd say he's downright docile.
A ruse I'm sure.
He's lulling you into a
false sense of security.
[Warden] I know,
but it won't work.
Still Tickles has commonly been
quite the disruptor around here.
The new column surrounding
him is much appreciated.
If these weren't no
contact visitations,
I'd suspect you gave
him a, you know.
I'm told you've been on
your best behavior lately.
What's up with that?
I'm doing nothing different
than I've always done, Princess.
I'm merely doing it in my head.
I thought as much.
Clowns like you
don't really change,
not in here anyway.
Speaking of, to what do I owe
the pleasure of your
presence once more?
I came to see if
you've given any thought
to my offer last time.
And I wanted to let you know
that it's still on the table.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
I'd like to put
you on the table.
[laughs loudly]
It's not me we're
talking about.
Says who?
[Kali] Says me.
Yeah, is that supposed
to make me believe
you're the one in charge?
[Kali] But I am.
[Tickles] Says you.
[Kali] Were starting
to go in circles again.
Slow, steady ones.
I'm out here, you're in there.
You're right.
I am in there.
And where's that?
Your head.
[laughs loudly]
If you say so.
Oh, but I do.
How does it feel?
[Kali] How does what feel?
The fact that I know
what you're thinking,
maybe before you do.
I don't believe
you do, Tickles.
I think you're
playing games with me
like you do with everyone else
who gets close
enough to your glass.
And yet here
you are, Princess.
Very close to my glass, again.
That's right.
Wanna take a walk?
I already did this morning.
That's not true.
You're on lockdown
23 hours a day.
You get one, five
minute shower a week.
If you walked, you
did it in there.
In circles.
I'll offer one more time.
Come take the physical.
It's not open-ended Tickles.
It's now or never.
Well, in that case, never.
Is that your answer?
If it is, what do I win?
If that's your final
answer, you lose.
Huh, and if I lose, you lose.
[laughs loudly]
What makes you say that?
You want something from me.
Something more important
than you're letting on.
You think so?
I know so.
I can see it in your eyes
and your body language.
I can smell it
through these vents,
the smell of desperation.
You're wrong, Tickles.
What I'm offering you is to
get out of jail free card,
but only for a little while.
And you're too
stupid to take it.
Too stupid?
[laughs loudly]
Oh, flattery will
get you everywhere.
It sounds like
we're done here.
Oh, at least this
way, you will go away
and let me stew again, huh?
In hopes that I mull over your
hollow duplicitous promises
and take the bait
you'll soon re-offer
like a good mindless captive.
No, this is
where I turn around
and go and never come back
and you rot in there,
wondering why you
couldn't help yourself,
but to be defiant to someone
who extended an
olive branch to you.
Oh, spoken like a little girl
to the daddy who's
love she so craved,
but never won.
Excuse me.
Oh, you heard me.
You're obvious, Commander.
You wear it on yourself
like a tight bikini under
that big sexless space suit.
You're just waiting for
someone to reach out
and pull the string,
waiting for me to
pull the string.
You're insane.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Probably, I've
heard it before.
But insane isn't incorrect,
is it Princess?
We're done here.
Sergeant, open the door.
You have to press the button.
No one can hear you except me.
[space ship engine roaring]
There's bad shit
going down on [mumbles]
The Illuminati is doubling down
on constructing a new destroyer.
Our informant sent word
that it is getting
real close to operation
before we lost contact with him.
Lost contact with him?
That's right.
He's off the radar, MIA.
We think his cover
might've been blown
and the slimy
bastards took him out.
Damn it!
You missed a lot
while you were playing dress
up with the clowns Kali.
Is that a shot at me?
All I'm saying is,
things are accelerating out
there faster than we thought.
The Allies could use a leader.
They need you here,
I need you here.
Well, you've been
with us long enough VH
that you should
be able to step in
and take command if need be,
or am I wrong about it?
Is that what you want,
me to assume command
while you run away
and join the circus?
You can be a real
asshole, you know that?
The best.
Listen up y'all,
we don't need this
infighting bullshit.
It gets no one nowhere and fast.
I will take care of them
motherfuckers on [mumbles]
Just drop me right
on their camp.
I'll gut as many as I can
before they take me down.
That's out of the
question Bigfoot.
You're too valuable to us.
I ain't never been
called valuable before.
It's kind of nice.
She's right Foot.
You mean too much to
the Allied operations
and you're my right-hand
Sasquatch buddy.
You go in, I go in.
Watch surveillance closely
and keep trying to reach
our man on the inside.
If he's captured or dead,
I want confirmation.
In the meantime, keep
Dr. Jekyll on standby.
I'll have that blood sample
for him by end of day tomorrow.
Is that so?
Yes it is.
Do you have a problem with that?
Not in theory, but
I'm coming with you.
Not necessary.
Just try to stop me.
I'll have you court-martialed.
No, you won't.
Oh no?
Try me.
Hang on a sec you two.
If you guys are
going, I'm going too.
Sounds like y'all need
a calm head in the mix.
Jesus Christ!
Foot's become the
voice of reason.
We're fucked.
[space engine roaring]
God damn he's ugly.
You got that right.
This cocksucker makes me look
like the sexiest
Sasquatch alive.
I may be a strain on
the eyes, gentlemen,
but I assure you,
my character is forged
of the toughest deal.
Man, get the fuck outta here.
All the dudes say that shit.
Tickles, allow me to introduce
my colleagues from
Allied Headquarters.
You may have heard of them.
Jack Van Helsing.
Ah, Van Helsing,
how delightful to make your acquaintance,
your exploits with the undead
is the stuff of legend.
But I must ask,
how did you get
that dog in here?
You fat piece of
[mumbles] up shit.
I'll reach through this glass
and stick that red
nose up your ass.
Call me a dog again.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Oh, he's funny too.
Hey, you ought to
think about the circus.
They'd sell some tickets
with a freak like that.
You know you big bag of shit.
Settle down all of you.
We're not here to argue.
No, then tell me Girly,
why are you all here?
And after the two of us had
such a report developing, huh?
They say three is a crowd,
but this, it's a gangbang.
Watch your mouth fuck face.
I'll open that cell
and put my boot in it.
This isn't going
the way I intended.
The best laid plans of
mice and men often go awry.
Now, I see the bitch
and I smell the bitch.
So my question is,
which of you is the man
and which is the mouse?
Or are you both mice
who take your marching
orders from the commander?
Fuck this clown.
Let's drop him and
take his blood.
I couldn't agree more.
Sergeant open this cell.
Out, both of you.
Wait for me in the star cruiser.
I'll speak with Tickles alone.
Just the way I like it.
Maybe we went to farther VH.
Too far?
The only way we
might've gone too far
is we gutted that piece
of shit like the pig he is
then roll around in the blood
and play catch with
his bloated organs.
That actually sounds fun.
Whatever, Kali is in charge.
And she's dealt with that
clown more than we have.
She knows what she's
gotten herself into
and knows what
she's doing, I hope.
Yeah, so do I.
I'd like to apologize for my
colleagues behavior Tickles.
That's not how we
normally operate
and not why we came.
Oh, why'd you come back Kali.
I thought we concluded
our business last time.
I came to see if
you changed your mind.
Oh my, what a long leash I have!
Long, but not endless.
You see we're on a
timeframe, Tickles.
A timeframe for what?
To do what needs to be done.
Now you're the one talking
in circles, Princess.
The Illuminati Army is in
exile, licking their wounds.
So am I.
And if this isn't exile,
I don't know what is.
I love licking my wounds,
especially when they're fresh.
Listen to me.
The Illuminatis is
are down, but not out.
As we speak,
they're preparing to
return stronger than ever.
Sounds like a worthy
adversary, if you ask me.
No war can last
forever or should.
We're looking to put
an end to it this time,
to put an exclamation point
on this page in human history.
And you'd like me to
rub a little snot on it?
If you like.
You're never getting
out of here, Tickles.
You and I both know that.
There's no reason to
pretend otherwise.
But working with the Allies
could make your time
considerably more comfortable.
[eerie music]
You wanna make me
more comfortable, Kali?
Allow me to explain.
Please do.
The scientists
aboard our mothership
have discovered a sociopathy
gene found in Illuminati DNA.
This gene can be mutated,
spliced if you will,
and altered in the most
basic biological level
to serve an entirely
different function.
However, in order
to make the change,
a serum must be created.
And to do that,
a specific genetic code must
be present in the blood.
This code can be
found in only .01
of living creatures
in our galaxy today.
After reviewing medical records
of those incarcerated
in our galaxy,
we've discovered that
you're one of the few
with the blood code
we're looking for.
Are you listening
to what I'm saying?
What are you doing?
I'm undressing
you with my eyes.
Enough with the games.
Oh, but it's not a game, Kali.
Strip for me.
Excuse me.
Do a striptease.
It's been a while.
And your body, oh God!
I can only imagine,
and I am.
I wont strip for you Tickles.
I still hold all the cards.
We need your blood desperately,
but we don't bargain
with psychopaths.
And yet that's exactly
what you've been doing.
No, I haven't.
I've given you nothing
and promised you
nothing but a walk,
some fresh air and
a change of scenery
in exchange for some blood.
So the truth comes out,
you need me.
I don't need you.
What if we amended
your sentence,
offered the
possibility of parole.
Oh, I thought you
weren't bargaining.
The Allies have a way with
the warden and the board.
Play along and I can see to it
there's a light at the
end of the tunnel for you
that isn't there now.
Show me your fucking tits.
Give me some blood.
Yours or mine.
The clock is ticking Tickles.
Time's running out.
Those tits and bounce.
If I do, you consent
to a blood draw?
It depends.
They're real, right?
No padded bra.
100% real.
Show me, then you
can pick a vain.
I can't believe this Foot.
What the hell is taking so long?
Why does he keep giving
that creep the time?
We're fighting a war here.
I agree, it don't
make no sense, VH.
But Kali is in command.
You don't have to tell her shit
if she don't want to.
That's the thing,
she usually does.
She's confided a lot in me.
I thought our rapport
was deeper than this.
It's like that fucking
clown has come between us.
Half the time,
she doesn't even
sound like herself.
You sound like a school
boy with a crush, my dude.
I'm in love with her, Foot.
Whoa, what!
It's like nothing
I've felt before.
It's indescribable.
Bro, listen though,
you remember that old
earth song, "Love Stinks?"
Yeah, yeah.
Well, that ain't no love.
Look at me, I don't mess around
with matters of the heart.
You know what that makes me?
But finding some little
she wolf on my job,
you know what I'd be?
Who needs the trouble?
We got enough on our plates.
Hell, we don't know
if we'll still be breathing
one minute to the next.
It's not like I
planned it, Foot.
It just happened,
I'm not sure when.
Well, look, everybody
knows you two been fucking.
It's the worst kept
secret at headquarters.
But I was expecting you
two to walk down the aisle.
Who said anything
about marriage?
What's the point of it even?
We have no society,
no planet to return to.
We're space rogues
but the heart's a tricky thing.
That's why I ripped
those fuckers out,
eat 'em and smile.
Don't worry about it, Foot.
The only time I'm
even at ease really
is when she's safe,
aboard the mothership.
And even then, one [mumbles]
trapper missile fire
can wipe her out,
wipe us all out in
the blink of an eye.
What's it good for?
[Tickles laughs loudly]
What the hell was I thinking?
I actually fell for
that clown's bullshit.
Never again.
[space ship engine roaring]
Well, how'd it go.
I'm finished with
Tickles, doctor.
I've done all I can do.
Tried every trick in the book.
I even explained our
situation and why we need him,
but he doesn't give a damn.
Boy, I'm glad to hear this.
Fuck that clown.
This is unfortunate
news, Kali.
But we still have some recourse.
We do?
Explain doctor.
If we can somehow get
into Tickles' holding cell
and stick him with one of our
new rapid extraction needles,
we might get the
amount of blood we need
to engineer the
genome reversal serum.
If it's done right,
we have the blood before
Tickles even know what happened.
Hold on, hold on.
You mean to tell me,
one of us goes in the cell,
cell door locks,
clown is in the cell, our clown.
You got any
better suggestions?
Kali Devine, what a surprise!
I thought your
work was done here.
So did I.
Turns out I was wrong.
Very well.
You're always
welcome in my prison.
You see, I have a
question for you.
Upon routine review of the
facility surveillance cameras,
our night shift
officers discovered
some rather interesting
footage from Tickles' cell.
I bet they did.
What was going on
there, if I may ask.
You may not.
Anything that transpires between
your prisoners and myself
or any members of my fleet
is official Allied business
and will be treated
as confidential.
No, don't worry,
my lips are sealed.
Good keep them sealed.
Of course.
See, Kali, when you're done
with your official business,
I have a bottle of
bourbon barrel aged merlot
up in my office.
Why don't you come up and
relax for a spill, unwind.
Thanks for the offer
Warden, but I'll pass.
Come now, don't let the
cold sterile environments
of the cellblocks fool you.
That's how the other
half lives, the inmates.
My quarters are quite
comfortable, I assure you.
I said no, don't ask me again.
Duly noted.
Well, if it ain't
the bouncing commander,
good day, lovely.
Tickles, I trust
your night went well.
The images in my head
inform the wee hours
in ways you wouldn't believe.
I'm glad to hear it.
Have you reconsidered my offer?
I told you yesterday,
I'm not interested,
but you can put on a show
for me again, if you like.
It's funny you
mentioned it, Tickles
because that's exactly
what I was thinking.
Only, how about something
a little more
interactive this time.
You do know how to get a
clown's attention, don't you?
Don't be coy.
I had your attention from
the moment I showed my face.
And other things.
I'd like to show more.
Is that so?
Yes, you coerced me
into doing something I
didn't want to do yesterday,
but it wasn't unpleasant.
Go on.
It's been a long time
fighting this war with
the Illuminati, Tickles.
I'm a fighter and a leader
like my father before me,
but I'm still a woman
and it's lonely out there.
Yeah, what about the roughneck
you brought with you yesterday?
What about him?
He crackled with
desire for you.
It was all over
his body language
'coursing through
his space suit.
Right, me and every other
female in the Allied Forces,
and I think a few males too.
VH means nothing to me.
You might tell him that.
He should probably know.
I give him orders,
that's the extent
of our relationship.
Other than that,
I don't care where
he puts his dick.
So what brings you
back to me, Princess?
You were very upset when
we parted ways yesterday.
I thought I was never
going to see you again,
with open eyes, that is.
I thought the same thing,
but I can't seem to
get you off my mind.
You're a fascinating
man, Tickles.
A Pandora's box of surprises.
I've heard that before.
I bet you have.
The more I think about it,
the more I realize
that your insights,
well, sometimes erratic,
are nothing of brilliant.
Oh, I couldn't agree more.
And I must admit,
since our last meeting,
I've been dreadfully
curious about something.
You have?
What's that?
Are you shaved,
trimmed, waxed or wild?
[laughs loudly]
What do you think?
I think you're a tease,
is what I think Kali.
Is that so?
Maybe I'll open this cell
and you can find out.
Oh, by all means, please do.
I'd enjoy nothing more
than to lay you down
right here on my
cold cell floor,
under these harsh
fluorescent lights,
spread your smooth
legs, open wide
and snap your pretty neck.
I'm not so sure
about that last part.
Oh, but I am.
I like my meals to be dead
before they hit my plate.
Unless you think I'll fall
further for your tricks,
think again.
Step one toe in this cell
and I'll bite it clean off.
That's not why I
came back Tickles.
But it's why you'll
leave again, Commander.
I'm through sharing with you.
You think you've got me hooked
in you're really [mumbles]
but it's me who's
got you on the hook.
If that's the way you
want it, I'm trimmed.
I know.
I can smell its
sweet musty waft.
Your lips are moist like
morning do on Rose pedals.
You have a way with words.
As do you,
all lies all the time.
And if you think,
I don't know you
plan to come in here
and stick me with a
quick draw needle,
you're dumber than you look.
Bounce it around like
a new marionette,
popping on command.
Some leader you are.
The Allies are doomed.
The future belongs
to the Illuminati.
If that's how you feel,
I guess there's
nothing more to say.
I was just dozing off when
your stench of despair,
wafted through my vents.
If you'll excuse me,
I like you better in my dreams,
headless and splayed beneath me.
Have fun with them.
Leaving already?
[Kali] My business
here is done Warden.
He's all yours.
Have you given any
more thought to my offer?
[Kali] I have,
and I think I'm done with
offers for a long time.
No, I'm sorry to hear that.
You know, I've always thought
you were a very
intriguing person.
You're right, I am.
So long, Warden.
[bouncy piano music]
[space ship engine roaring]
Can I talk to you?
Okay, about what?
I wanted to apologize.
You were right.
I was pinning too many of
our hopes on that clown
and it was nothing
but a dead end.
Well, it's nice
to hear you say it.
The more time you
spend around Tickles,
the more he was gonna
fuck with your head.
But I think you have
come to that conclusion
on your own soon enough.
Regardless, I feel like it
was driving a wedge between us
and the Allied course is
far too important for that.
If you and I falter,
the whole of humanity falters.
Ain't we a pair?
Well, I'll let you get
back to your workout.
It's okay.
I was just going to finish
up and hit the shower.
The shower, huh?
Want some company?
I can't describe
what I'm feeling.
I know VH wants to be
with me now and only me.
I never thought he'd be
able to stop his roaming
not long enough to realize
I've been right
here the whole time.
Together, the two of us hold
the future of the human
race in our hands.
And yet something is
pushing me away from him
just when he's finally
falling for me.
I always thought that
if just took that step
and met me halfway,
our lives would suddenly
have meaning again.
Now, here we are
and things feel more
empty than ever.
But he's VH, the same
man I've dreamt about
and lusted after since
this war began so long ago.
Well, he's a third
generation clone actually,
but he only gets better
with each iteration,
more rugged, more masculine,
more of a leader.
And I know he'd
be a great father.
So why does it feel
like looking into the eyes of
a stranger when he holds me?
It's like, everything
is familiar,
his touch, his feel,
his smell, his taste,
but there's something else.
Something knowing
at me [mumbles]
Like something's suddenly
jamming our signal,
a signal that used
to be so strong.
What the hell is going on?
[Tickles laughs loudly]
[space ship engine roaring]
Oh, I can't put my food on it.
So I'm gonna just
stay right back at HQ.
I used to think we was
such a strong team,
had our shit together.
But the way that things
have been going lately,
I'm worried about
the Allies' future
and my place in it.
There's no reason for
this to be so hard.
The Illuminati is a ground that
won't even be a threat to us
till they get that new
destroyer up and running.
We should just bomb
their scaly asses
while we still got the chance.
Finish this thing!
Instead, we're fucking
around with some clown
and everybody's getting weird.
Huh, humans!
Paid for it.
Krasko, what the
hell do you want?
The time draws near Sasquatch.
Soon, the beast
world shall rise here
and reclaim what's
rightfully ours.
Man, you still talking
that revolution bullshit.
When are you gonna learn?
[playful music]
So long as the Allies and
the Illuminatis are around,
y'all beast ain't gonna
rise up and do shit.
You're wrong, Bigfoot.
And while my invitation
won't stand forever,
the beasts will.
Join us while you
still can, Sasquatch.
Don't be caught on the
wrong side of history.
Right now, I'm just caught
on the wrong side of
this fucking spree.
How'd you get this
number anyway?
Werewolves have our ways.
We're always watching,
always waiting.
And when our enemies least
expect it, we strike.
Hey, you know, why don't
you head down [mumbles]
and take out those
Illuminati soldiers?
They got no wings,
just stuck like sitting ducks.
I like the way
you think, Bigfoot.
You belong with us.
Me, I must have [mumbles]
I only stuck with the Allies
'cause they kept the refrigerator
stuffed to the grills.
I never snack so much
in my whole life.
You know well [mumbles]
mostly on berries and greens.
[playful music]
Sure, once in a while,
a stray hiker got lost
and I got to eviscerate him.
But even those got fewer
and farther between
after the great war kicked off.
Join us, and I promise you
you'll have all the
victims you can handle.
That's the thing Crosko.
I ain't really looking to
work that hard no more.
Just give me a self
bed and a full belly,
I'm happy than a pig in shit.
Why hunt things
that run from you
if you don't have to?
Haven't you always Sasquatch?
But when the beasts do rise
and revolution is underway,
the door will close.
You'll be on that side,
we'll be on this side.
[playful music]
Guess, we'll have
to wait and see.
[playful music]
[space ship engine roaring]
There's big trouble
brewing out there, boy.
Pretty soon, it's gonna
come down all around us.
I sure hope Kali got her
head screwed on straight.
Just what kind of facility
are you running here, Warden?
You let your staff
behave like animals?
Did you hear them out there?
Yes, Kali, I heard them,
but you know, they're
red blooded men and women
and they have a somewhat
different perception of you
since the security
footage made the rounds.
Made the rounds?
What are you running
in out like a movie?
Not at all, but
they don't call this
the gag and tag
gulag for nothing.
This is a maximum security
prison, not a library.
Thanks for the reminder,
but I'm aware of that.
And I'm also aware
that the security footage
here is Allied property.
That means all of it.
And it's not to be seen by
anyone other than myself, you
or any assigns we deem fit.
Well, that's all well
and good in theory, Kali,
but in practice,
maybe keep your clothes
on from here on out, yeah?
Princess Kali, what a surprise!
You knew I was coming,
probably before I did.
Well, I'll always
make you come Commander.
To what do I owe the
pleasure this time?
Our time's almost
up out there.
Surveillance shows
the Illuminati
new destroyers,
newly operational.
It may only be a
matter of hours now.
Oh, tick, tock, tick, tock.
That's not funny, Tickles.
I told you I'm a sad clown.
You're not gonna
try to go coerce me
into giving blood
again, are you?
No, that ship has sailed.
It's too late anyway.
Even if we drained every drop
out of your body right now,
our lab wouldn't have the
time to engineer the serum
before the Illuminati's new
headquarters is an orbit.
The whole point
was to seek attack
while they were stranded
in the car star system.
Like shooting
fish in a battle.
If you like.
And without that
element of surprise,
it'll only be another
outer space dog fight.
A fair fight.
What a drag!
It is when you've been
waging war as long as we have,
every time it looks as though
the end might be in sight,
the line moves back.
Oh, such as life
on the front lines.
Hey, tell me something Kali.
Do you recognize just how close
you Allies are to your foes,
the dastardly Illuminati?
Close, hardly.
There are no
parallels between us.
Oh, but that's
where you're wrong.
You fight to build,
shape, prosper.
They fight to destroy,
pervert and elate.
From where I stand, you are
two sides of the same coin.
And you stand in an
airtight prison cell,
you haven't seen the
galaxy outside in years
and you never will again.
You like saying that.
Saying what?
All the things
I'll never do again.
What makes you so sure?
Because we locked you
up and threw away the key
because you refused every deal
that would even to let
you step outside that cell
for a short time,
because you'll never be
transferred or paroled.
You're gonna waste
away behind the glass
until the day you
stop breathing.
And when you do,
they'll cremate your
corpse on the spot,
sweep up your
ashes in a dust pan
and dismantle the cell.
In an hour, this room
will be completely empty,
like you were
never there at all,
like you never existed.
Oh, such an imagination.
I see why you are the leader
of the Valley and Allies.
That's only one
of the reasons.
The other being you
inherited the spot
from the father who
never loved you.
Is that supposed
to make me feel bad,
get me thinking about my worth?
You said it, not me.
Yes, I did.
And I thought about it more
times than I can remember.
But you want to know the
conclusion I came to.
There you go
again, always coming.
I realized I was a good
daughter to my father.
I was everything he
ever could have wanted.
Only what he wanted was a boy
and I couldn't give him that.
Well, use your imagination.
I see boys who become girls
and girls who become boys
all the time in here.
[laughs loudly]
I bet you do.
All the stories I could tell,
I'll spend the most
horrific [mumbles]
while feeling those titties.
Wanna step in here
and sit on my lap?
No, thanks.
Just as well.
Imagine what guard staff
will think of you then?
They already trade
your security tape
like a bottle of whiskey in
a 20th century speakeasy.
Good for them.
They might be on the other
side of the cell doors,
but they're no less in
prison than you are.
It makes sense the mentalities
wouldn't be that far apart.
You're volleying today.
And where did this sudden
strength of will come from?
I've always had it.
I just faltered.
Well, we all go a
little mad sometimes,
don't we Kali?
Some more than others.
[laughs loudly]
[space ship engine roaring]
[bouncy music]
I feel the time to
successfully engineer
the RX Two serum,
has run out, doctor.
The new Illuminati
destroyer has taken flight.
Yes, I'm afraid
the small window
that was available
to us is now closed.
They'll find it soon enough.
And when they do,
who knows what new
and terrible weaponry
they'll have at their disposal.
We've never failed
before, doctor.
I'm not sure if I
like the feeling.
we haven't failed
this time either,
and we never will.
We have science on our side,
equations, concoctions,
None of it will
make any difference
if we're soon blasted
into star dust, doctor.
Then we mustn't
allow ourselves to be.
But we're not in control.
We can't exert any
influence whatsoever
over commander Kali's actions.
You're right, we can't.
Only the clown seemed
able to accomplish that,
what I wouldn't
give for his brain.
His brain, what would
you do with it, doctor?
Construct myself another
assistant of course.
But I'm your assistant.
Yes, I know.
And I think we're going
about as far as we can,
with your limited skillsets.
I see.
Perhaps we can negotiate
a prisoner transfer
and bring Tickles
aboard our mothership
for psychological testing
and neurological studying.
I imagine it would be out
of the question, doctor.
Commander Kali holds superiority
over the one warden presence.
And a transfer request from
her would surely be heeded.
After all, the clown
is just sitting there.
[Ghostly Voice] Get out!
[alarm ringing]
[Tickles laughs loudly]
[man screaming]
[Tickles laughs loudly]
[eerie music]
[alarm ringing]
[Tickles laughs loudly]
[alarm ringing]
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Allies, code black,
officer is down.
Tickles, the clown has escaped.
I repeat, Tickles is loose.
He's in a stolen transport
cruiser and armed.
Oh dear, this
is dreadful news.
Princess Kali, come in.
I'm here Heru, what is it?
We just received
a distress call
from the gag and tag
gulag, code black
with officers down
and one on the loose.
It's Tickles, he's escaped.
God damn it!
We can't let that son
of a bitch get away.
[mumbles] us to the prisons
airspace at once, Bort.
Yes, mom.
I'm firing up the
hammer of God, Kali.
Go, maybe we can catch him
before he gets out of orbit,
but watch your back.
The clown's insane.
I'll be fine.
Keep the lights on for me.
This won't take long.
Be careful VH.
I'm always careful Princess.
[upbeat music]
Foot, come in.
I'm here, my dude.
Bad news, Tickles escaped.
He's on the loose.
Get the fuck outta here.
Are you shitting me?
We've got to find
that fat fuck, and fast.
No kidding?
I'm on it.
Where are you?
I'll pick you up.
I'm in the hammer.
No time, besides two
is better than one.
We could flake him.
Blast his big ass to hell.
Good idea.
They're saying he coming near
the prison transport cruiser.
He'll be easy to spot.
Even better.
Let's do this.
Watch yourself
Foot, he's dangerous.
My head's up VH.
You do you.
Get him, big guy.
[upbeat music]
[space ship engine roaring]
[Tickles laughs loudly]
My, how the
galaxy has changed.
Oh, the space debris?
I wonder how my favorite
commander is doing.
[eerie music]
Hello, Princess.
I guess no more visits for us.
Tickles, what have you done?
What I should've
done a long time ago,
stepped out for some fresh air.
[laughs loudly]
You won't get far.
Says who?
Listen to me, Tickles.
Every Allied vessel
within three light years
is on high alert.
We're canvassing the galaxy
to its furthest reaches.
You can't run, you can't hide.
Then I guess you leave
me no choice, but to fight.
You'll loose.
We'll see.
Take that cruiser back
and turn yourself in.
I'll see to it you don't
receive additional punishment.
You mean on top
of the life sentence
I was serving like
a bug under a glass?
Thanks sweetheart, but I
think I'll take my chances.
I'm not your
sweetheart Tickles,
and you're out of chances.
The only way this
ends is with you dead.
There you go again
with the absolutes.
You know, I just love
your one track mind.
Maybe I'll steal
aboard your mother ship
while you're sleeping
and wake you with a
nice deep skull fuck.
And maybe we'll see you
streaking across the stars
and hit you with our
microwave lasers.
We can turn that
ship into an oven
and cook your
insides for minutes.
Make you die, slow
and screaming.
I didn't think you
had it in you, baby.
This is getting fun.
Speak for yourself.
I'll see you soon.
Ta ta, Kali.
[space ship engine roaring]
[eerie music]
Look around VH,
my radar was picking up a
space police issue Cruiser
at your 10 o'clock.
I'm with you Foot.
I've got it in my sights.
You think it's him?
The ship's ID says David
14, unregistered listing.
But there's an easy
way to find out.
Let's shake him down.
[space ship engine roaring]
Yo, motherfucker in the
police issue, identify yourself.
Oh, police in
commissary delivery.
What's your name
and badge number?
Agent Pogo here.
Badge number 666.
That's him VH.
Bingo assholes.
What a play!
[Tickles laughs loudly]
Hold on if we do fatso.
Foot, check your six.
Reinforcements just arrived.
Alright, go get him, that ass.
That's right, assholes.
Come and get it.
[dramatic music]
[Bigfoot] We lost him.
Where did he go?
[VH] I don't know, he just.
VH, behind you.
VH, no!
[space ship engine roaring]
Oh, look at that monstrosity.
Now that's a warship.
Looks like you Allies
have your hands full.
why don't I just skidaddle
and lead you to it, huh?
You [mumbles] face
piece of dog shit.
You killed my best friend.
Mark my words,
you're gonna look into
my eyes some days soon.
And when you do,
I'll tear you limb from limb.
Count on it cocksucker.
Promise, I'm
looking forward to it.
VH come in, VH.
Princess Kali, I'm
afraid he's gone.
No, he's not.
That's Jack Van Helsing
we're talking about.
It'll take more than some
psycho in a clown suit
to beat him.
VH, can you hear me?
Come in.
Bort is correct ma'am.
The hammer of God was destroyed.
There's nothing left.
Then he jettisoned
at the last second.
He's done it before.
Call the stars.
He could be floating out there.
Princess, he's dead.
[eerie music]
It's been hours now
and I can't process this.
I feel like he's going to walk
through that door any second
and take me in his
arms every footstep.
Every muffled voice I
hear, all sounds like him.
I can't believe
it ends like this,
shot down by a psychopathic
fugitive circus clown,
who to anyone's knowledge
had never even [mumbles]graded
to star cruiser before.
It just doesn't compute.
[eerie music]
Things were so good
between us lately,
before Tickles
entered the picture.
VH was talking about the future,
about the wars end, about us.
I was ready to
bear his children,
and now it's all over.
[eerie music]
The most vivid
memory I have though,
one that will stay
with me forever
is our escape from
enemy headquarters
after defeating the
Illuminati, yet again,
It was just VH and I.
The rest of the galaxy
had fallen away.
We weren't even sure
if we'd survive,
spinning aimlessly in the
un-detonated megaton bomb.
And in those precious
moments, we didn't care.
We clung to every minute,
we clung to each other
and nothing else mattered.
[eerie music]
He's gone now.
And with him,
all those future plans we both
secretly looked forward to.
Humanity will live on,
I'll live on
and the Illuminati will fall,
but things will
never be the same.
Things will never
be the same again.
[eerie music]
At last, through my
performance of the [mumbles]
the sixth month of black magic
ritual that no one has dared,
to undertake in centuries,
doesn't gain no bonus.
Now is the dawn of
the new dark age,
and I the immortal [mumbles]
undisputed leader of
the Illuminati army
once more rise.
What a story to life as mine!
In my immortal shadow,
I conquered the earth.
And those small feats
meant so much to me then.
Hello, quarrels and the
[mumbles] of human existence,
I came to Mount [mumbles]
Letting my parted ice
screaming around me
in an escape of a latter lunch
whilst I sipped tea in a tent
and rummaged through
their belongings.
I shot a youthful
pickpocket dead in Calcutta
simply for rushing against
me in a marketplace.
If he'd wanted to brush
against me in private,
he didn't need only ask
and I'd have bored holes
in his soft [mumbles]
Upon transcending
the mortal coil,
I fostered colts the galaxy over
to file the union
of man and woman
whilst savoring the taboo,
man on man and no man
and beast relations.
I've smoked over [mumbles]
and shared heroin with kings,
queens and criminals alike,
led children to magic
and magic to children.
And now with our new
and fully operational,
I'll destroy alien flight.
The last of the human virus
shall be stamped out
and perish beneath the
Illuminati put hell.
How delightfully
profane it would be
to piss in [mumbles]
of all those failed
Allied fighters.
Then sever their heads from
their bodies with my sight
and drink my own urine from
their rotting skull chalices.
[laughs loudly]
Who does disturb
the great beast?
Just me Maggis, a
lonesome traveling clown,
looking for a good time.
Looking for a good time?
I'll show you a good
time, Harlequin.
Yeah, I was hoping
you'd say that.
Come to my back
door, it's always open.
I'll pour us some
psychedelic tea
and you can show me how to
brotherly massage crease paint.
Oh, I use cream makeup.
It doesn't crease.
How fascinating!
Even in my eternal
reptilian form,
I learn new things all the time.
[Tickles laughs loudly]
I'll teach you some
tricks too if you want.
Like how to slaughter Allies
and carve fresh flesh [mumbles]
Well, I don't know where
you came from [mumbles]
But come on board at once,
I wish to make
your acquaintance.
Don't mind if I do.
[laughs loudly]
[space ship engine roaring]
I'm sure you've all
heard the news by now.
One of our brightest
shining allies,
Jack van Helsing is dead,
but rest assured we'll
fight on in VH's name.
The Illuminatis are
back stronger than ever.
And we can be sure
they'll strike soon.
If they think we're weakened
or not prepared for them,
they'll have another
thing coming.
Fuck yeah, it's Clobberin time
Commander Kali, I wish
to offer my condolences
on your loss.
I thought highly
of VH, we all did.
He was my homie, straight up.
He was quite the man.
Yes he was.
And I'll miss him,
but we must go on.
The human race depends on it.
Kali, I sincerely hope I
haven't overstepped my bounds,
but I have something
to show you.
Something we've been working
on the past 24 hours.
As you know, we keep
frozen DNA samples
of every allied
member for medical
as well as scientific purposes.
Yes, I'm aware of that.
Sounds sketchy to me.
You ain't got mine, do you?
We do.
Destroy it now or else I will.
Then I'll pop your head
like a pimple motherfucker.
Relaxed Foot, we're
on the same side.
You can trust the lab.
Kali, I'm a wild
beast, you feel me?
The day I trust the lab
is the day I forfeit
my Sasquatch card.
I assure you Bigfoot,
no harm will ever find
you through my laboratory,
not while I'm in charge.
See what he did there?
He put a disclaimer on it,
not while he's in charge.
If somebody like [mumbles]
takes over, I'm fucked.
Take it easy Bigfoot.
If it means that much to you,
we can discuss safely
removing your DNA sample
from the doctor storage later.
Continue Dr. Jekyll,
you were saying?
I was saying VH was
a very valuable Ally.
I also know you had
feelings for him.
So I took it upon myself
to regenerate another
clone from his DNA.
No, shit!
I didn't think you'd mind.
I see.
Is it complete?
Very nearly.
With all our
technological advances,
the process is
considerably faster.
We can generate an exact clone
in less than a sun rotation.
He should be awake anytime now.
Shall we take a look?
Yes, let's.
Right this way.
[jubilant music]
[mumbles] That's my boy.
Is he?
His vital signs
indicate that he's aware.
Speak to him.
VH, can you hear me?
Welcome back little buddy.
Where am I?
[Kali] You're among friends.
And this is your woman.
Y'all are as hot
as hot [mumbles]
[jubilant music]
How do you feel VH?
[upbeat music]