Tiffany Haddish: She Ready! From the Hood to Hollywood (2017) Movie Script

dramatic music
[Male announcer] Ladies and
gentlemen, let her hear it--
the one and only black unicorn,
Miss Tiffany Haddish.
[cheers and applause]
hip-hop music
What up, L.A.? Whoo!
I'm feeling so good.
I'm feeling like it's nothing
but opportunity
in the world right now,
'cause I'm ovulating and stuff.
And I smell good credit
in the room.
Smell like inheritances
and everything.
What's up? Yes.
I'm feeling super sexy
'cause this background,
everything in here
is so beautiful.
Isn't it beautiful?
I feel so classy and elegant.
I just want to Crip walk
in this motha.
Classy than a motherfucker.
Feeling elegant as shit.
Sorry, I just really
wanted to be ratchet
for ten seconds.
Feel so good, though.
I feel like I've
come a long way.
I love that we
doing these shows.
We still kind of in the hood,
but we not quite in the hood.
We hood adjacent right now.
I love it.
I love it. I love it.
And I just feel like, you know,
now I'm a stand-up comedian.
You know, I started out
as a model.
I was a model, y'all--
at the Slauson Swapmeet.
I been modeling there.
For 15 years,
I've been modeling there
in that booth L7,
like, "What?"
I got all the best
ratchet poses.
Pose two.
Pose three.
That's the one you
send pookie in jail.
That one-hour photo
in the swap meet.
There's a lot of us in here
that took pictures there.
Thought you was cute as shit.
"Bitch, I'm finna put this
in my binder, bitch.
So everybody could see
how cute I was that day."
You had a little airbrush
background and shit.
You're like...
Why every dude want
to show they throat?
Can't even see
your face, homeboy.
You got that throat, though.
Rockin' that throat.
I grew up in foster care.
Anybody else grew up
in the system?
Make some noise
if you was in the system!
So I'm the only special
motherfucker here, huh?
It's cool. It's cool.
I was state property.
I'm valuable, okay?
I am valuable.
All the rest of y'all,
y'all mamas
and daddies had to love you.
They didn't get paid
or nothing, okay?
Anybody house that I
walked into from the time
I was 11 till I was grown,
they got paid off of me, bitch.
I come with a check.
I'm valuable.
Oh, I want to say
thank you to anyone
who paid taxes
between 1990 and 1999.
Thank you so much,
'cause without
your tax dollars,
I wouldn't be standing
here right now today.
You know, the state
of California
paid so much money
to make sure I don't die,
'cause they knew
I was gonna be special.
They knew it.
They knew it.
They was like,
"Oh, this one right here?
This one right here?
She gonna be a unicorn."
And they was right.
I'm the last
black unicorn, bitch.
I feel valuable.
I remember when I first went
into foster care, I hated it.
I didn't like it.
It was messed up.
I didn't want to be
a part of it.
I fuckin' hated it.
'Cause kids used
to make fun of me. It was...
This one bitch named Keyosha,
ooh, I hate this bitch.
To this day,
I can't stand that bitch.
Saw her ass
a couple of years ago,
she was working
in a Walmart as a greeter.
I was like, "Hiii.
That's what happens
to bullies, bitch."
She had a dead leg and shit.
I was like, "Ha ha,
limbs die to bullies.
All bullies' limbs die.
Ha ha."
That's what your ass get.
Should have been a motherfuckin'
pirate on the Pirates
of the Caribbean ride
at Disney Land, bitch.
Ol' raggedy-ass bitch.
Oh, yo-ho,
yo-ho ass bitch.
Hated her.
I hated her because
she wouldn't let me be,
like--I don't know about y'all,
but my favorite game
in school was tetherball.
That was my favorite
fucking game.
I think tetherball's
the best way to get out anger,
get out frustration,
especially as a child.
You just release
all that tension,
you get to hit that
yellow ball right there
attached to that rope wrapping
around that pole.
You just, "Ahh!
Yah! Yah!"
And you see it wrap around.
You're like,
"Yeah, I'm winning!"
Sometimes you play your enemy
and hit them dead in the face,
their nose bleed.
You're like, "Yes!
I fucking run the playground!
I am the king!
'Game of Thrones' style, bitch!"
That's what I felt like.
Felt powerful.
This bitch, Keyosha,
she found out
I was in the system.
She didn't want
to let me play.
Coming up to play tetherball,
she like, "Uh-uh, Tiffany.
Only people with mamas
and daddies can play."
Bitch, we don't even know
if that's your real daddy.
How you gonna do me?
Just 'cause you 15
in the 6th grade
don't mean you get
to run the playground, Keyosha.
She wouldn't let me play,
Three weeks of her bullying me,
three weeks of her
telling me I can't play,
three weeks of her punkin' me,
and I couldn't take it no more.
I fuckin' lost it.
I needed to play tetherball.
I mean, tetherball's
the best thing.
I really think they should have
tetherballs in the workplace,
'cause when you get upset
with your boss
or whatever, your coworkers
working your nerves,
you need to be like,
"Uh, 'scuse me.
I need a break.
I need a tetherball break."
Okay, I'm ready to go
back to work now."
This would keep a lot of people
from getting shot at work.
I'm just saying.
Wouldn't let me play.
I got mad.
Couldn't take it.
Three weeks of bullying me.
Three weeks of picking on me.
Three weeks of not
letting me play my game.
I lost it.
Had my very
first psychotic break.
I was in line like, "Yeah,
I'm playing tetherball today."
I don't care
what she say.
Today is gonna be the day
that I play tetherball."
I was like out of
a slave movie or something.
"Oh, I'm gonna go
to tetherball freedom today.
She gon' let me play today."
And I get up to the front
of the line, and she like,
"Uh-uh, Tiffany,
only peoples with mamas
and daddies can play."
I was like...
"You know what?
You know what, Keyosha?
You know what?
You know what, Keyosha?"
'Cause that's what black women
do when we get upset.
We repeat ourselves
over and over and over again,
and we throw this hand
out here like this,
'cause we 'bout to snatch your
soul out your body....
On some Indiana Jones
"navi da shakti de" type shit.
We 'bout to Kali Ma your spirit.
That's what we 'bout to do.
And I was like, "You know what?
"You know what, Keyosha?
You know what?
You know what, Keyosha?
You right. You right.
I don't have no mama
and no daddy,
but you know what I do got?
You know what I do got, bitch?
You know what I do got?
You know what I do got, bitch?
I got a judge and a lawyer, ho.
Do you got a judge and a lawyer?
I don't think so, bitch.
And you know what else I got?
You know what else I got,
You know what else I got?
You know what else
I got, Keyosha?
You know what else I got?
You know what else
I got, Keyosha?
I got a social worker that come
and see me every two weeks.
Do you got a social worker
that come and see you
every two weeks?
No, 'cause you
not special, bitch.
And you know what else I got,
Keyosha? You know what else?
You know what else
I got, Keyosha?
You know what else?
You know what else, Keyosha?
You know what else?
Yo mama and daddy
been paying taxes
since before you was born,
and if you died tomorrow,
they will still
be paying taxes,
and you know
what them tax dollars do?
Pay for my judge and my lawyer
and my social worker, bitch.
So seems to me like your mama
and daddy love me way more
than they love you, bitch."
She beat the dog shit
out of me, y'all.
She beat me so bad,
had me hanging
from the tetherball pole.
Police came, I pressed charges,
she ended up with a judge
and a lawyer,
'cause what goes around comes
around in this motherfucker.
It's just like tetherball.
But then I fell in love
with foster care, y'all.
I started to see
the beauty in it,
and that's the thing,
like, with my life.
I find the beauty
in everything.
No matter how bad
something get,
I can find the beauty
in anything.
And when I was in foster care,
I started to realize
how awesome it was,
because I got to live with so
many different types of people.
My very first foster family--
they were Hispanic.
They taught me
how to speak Spanish.
[speaking Spanish]
Me encantan los hamburguesas
sin los tacos, papichula.
Comer mi panocha.
And I always--
I always have fun
when I say that in Mexico,
'cause a Spanish dude
go down on me, you know?
And they taught me so much.
They taught me how to cook.
I know how to make carne
asada tacos,
enchiladas, papusas, menudo.
I know how to make
horchata from scratch.
They taught me how to cut grass
and how to deliver babies.
They taught me how to build
houses from the ground up.
I can build you
a motherfucking house.
They taught me how to get a job
outside the Home Depot.
they taught me how to fix cars.
I can fix a transmission.
I can rebuild
a carburetor--wait, no, wait.
They taught me how to
rebuild an alternator
and how to steal a carburetor.
They taught me...
how to change tires.
I know how to--man,
I can make the shit
out of a quinceaera dress
like it ain't nobody
business, okay?
I can sew, too.
They also taught me--
they also taught me
how to play the accordion.
I was the--I was
the lead accordion player
in a mariachi band, y'all,
for, like, nine months.
I toured all over
Southern California,
some parts of Mexico.
I was all in Arizona,
New Mexico. I was doing it.
Bitch, I was on El Telemundo
and all that, okay?
I was killing it.
Young black girl
playing the accordion.
Hey, hey, hey!
That was me. That was me.
I did all the quinceaeras.
I was killing it.
And then my foster dad got
deported on some weed charges.
It was messed up.
And then they moved me
to a Jewish family,
and I was so afraid,
you guys; I was so scared.
I was so scared to live
with these Jews,
because the Mexicans had told me
what the Jews had did to Jesus,
and I was like, "Oh, no."
"I'm a carpenter,
and I got curly hair too.
What's gonna happen to me?"
But turns out they were kind
and nice people, man.
They taught me
how to speak Hebrew.
They threw me a bat mitzvah.
I'm circumcised now,
so it feels so good
when I walk fast.
Like, they just
took the hood off,
so it's like, "Ahhh.
She ready."
No, she just out there like,
If you ever see me walking fast
down Crenshaw, don't stop me,
'cause I'm feeling myself,
you understand me?
I'm, "Oh, shit.
"That's what the fuck
I'm talking about.
"I need to walk more often.
This is..."
It's how I keep my weight down.
I be busting on these walks.
Whoo! Who needs a man
when you can walk faster
than a motherfucker?
Them Jews hooked me up for life.
And then my grandma
got custody of me,
and that's when I learned
how to gang-bang and braid hair,
so I feel like
a well-rounded individual.
My grandma taught me
a lot, though.
She taught me how to value
myself as a woman.
I'll never forget.
It was my 18th birthday.
She should have told me
this on my 16th birthday,
though, 'cause at that point,
I had started renting out
the property already.
She pulled me to the side.
She said, "Look here, baby girl.
"Now that you've become a woman,
"there's a certain way
you need to think of yourself,
"and every woman--every woman
"should think
of herself this way.
"Baby, I want you to think
of yourself as a house,
and there's one thing
you got to remember,
baby--one thing
you got to remember.
Every man wants to come
inside your house.
Now, you can't be having
every man going in
and out your house
all the time.
That bring your
property value low.
Messing around and be known
as the 'crack house,'
and you don't want
to be the crack house.
So keep the grass cut
and keep it clean,
'cause you don't want people
walking by thinking
you got an abandoned house,
you hear?
And don't be going out late at
night getting drunk and stuff,
'cause somebody will break
into your house, baby,
right through the backdoor.
They break in right
through the back,
and that's how you're walking
messed up the next day
talking to the police.
And once you find a man
that loves you
and cares about you,
he'll go ahead and he'll sign
that paperwork,
he'll put a ring on your finger,
and he will buy that house."
And I just want to know,
by round of applause,
how many ladies in here tonight
got them a husband,
AKA homeowner.
You got a man that love you,
taking care of you--
make some noise
if you got you a husband, girl!
That's it?
So the rest of you bitches
in here just renting to own?
You just section-eight-ing
the property out?
Small Latin family of 15
living in there
trying to make ends meet.
Some of y'all
got haunted houses.
Every time a dude go in,
he leave out
with no spirit, no soul.
He just dead on the inside.
They call your coochie
"American Horror Story,"
season one:
"Soul Snatcher."
Let me shut up.
I'm about to say
some fucked-up shit.
Whoo. Man.
Mm, mm, mm.
I'm taking a break.
Y'all don't take a break
when y'all go to work?
Don't nobody do they job
all the way through.
It's fuckin' hot up here,
and my baby toe is dead.
Trying to maintain
my posture and shit,
holding in my little baby fat.
Stick your booty out,
pull your shoulders back,
get the little "s"
in your back so niggas
want to fuck,
but I'm tired.
Every female in here know
what I'm talking about.
You be in the club like,
"Yeah, bitch, this is it.
I'm getting pregnant
tonight in this.
This is my shit."
You be like,
"Why ain't nobody buying me
no drinks in this motherfucker?
Aw, fuck, my baby
toe fell off somewhere
in this fucking--fuck.
The fuck is my toe?
Kim, you seen
my toe in here?
I can't find
my fuckin' toe, bitch!
This is some bullshit.
No, I'm good. I'm good.
I'm just looking for my toe.
Fuck. Whoo!"
Real shit.
After I left my grandma, got--
you know, graduated from
high school and everything,
I got accepted
into NYU, y'all.
I was supposed to go to NYU.
Don't clap, 'cause I didn't go.
Make no sense to me.
It was $30,000 a semester.
How am I pay
$30,000 a semester?
How many dicks do I got to suck
to get this education?
I don't want it.
I don't want it.
Some people be like,
"Oh, just get a loan, bitch."
I don't want to owe
nobody nothing.
No, thank you.
And YouTube had came out
around the same time.
I was like, "Fuck it, I'm going
to YouTube University, bitch.
I'm gonna learn everything."
YouTube is the shit.
I'm so happy they made YouTube,
'cause you really don't have to
go to school if you got YouTube.
Anything you want to know
is right there at your
motherfuckin' fingertips--
at your thumbs now.
They got phones.
You can just tap in there,
ask any question--it's there.
If it ain't there, you can make
a video, ask the question,
"How do I blow up
this nigga's car?"
is gonna make a video
to tell you how to do it.
It's there.
It's there.
I learned how to make
red-bottom shoes,
but you can't walk
too far in them,
'cause they turn
into brown bottoms.
I learned how to make hair
out of Tupperware, bitch.
This is green right here.
This is recycled.
It might smell like spaghetti,
because it's
recycled Tupperware.
But you can do anything
because of YouTube.
I'm a brain surgeon now
because of YouTube.
I'm also a theologian
because of YouTube.
I'm an ordained minister.
I'm a psychiatrist.
I'm everything
'cause of YouTube.
I'm a registered nurse
'cause of YouTube.
Anything you want to know,
it's right there.
I started dating and stuff.
I remember when
I first started dating,
I had fell in love
with this one dude.
Oh, my God, I loved him so much.
I know I had to love him,
'cause he didn't have
no good job or nothing.
Like, I used to let him
drive my car and everything.
Like, whoo, he was hitting
corners in my Geo Metro.
I loved him.
I really did.
I did, and he cheated
on me and everything.
Like, I didn't know--
I didn't know at first,
'cause, like, I was so done.
You know when you're
in your early 20s,
it's like a dude
could tell you anything,
and you'd be like, "Okay!"
Be like, "Um," you're like--
it was my birthday,
and he had dropped me off
at his grandma house.
He said he had a job interview.
He's gonna go
to the job interview
and come back and pick me up,
and that motherfucker
didn't show up
till the next day,
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
what happened to you?"
and he was like, "Oh, I had got
pulled over by the police,"
and I was like,
"Yeah, that's right!"
Fuckin' stupid.
A few days later,
I went over to his house--well,
it's really his mama house,
'cause that's where he lived,
and, uh, he had
a little video camera
on the TV and stuff, right?
And I was like,
"Ooh, let's make a movie.
Let's get freaky
and make a movie."
And I had started recording,
and he had snatched the camera
from me, scratched my face.
I still have a scratch mark
on my face from that day.
And I was like, "Damn,
what's on the camera?" Right?
And he was like, "Stay out
of my fucking shit.
Don't be in my stuff."
And he took the tape out,
went down to the Dumpster,
threw the tape
in the dumpster,
and was like,
"You stay out my stuff!"
And then he tried to, like,
get freaky with me, right?
And I was like,
"Uhh, you so crazy!"
I started kissing him and stuff.
I was like,
"Ooh, I got a booboo.
I'll be right back," right?
And I went to the bathroom,
stayed in there,
like, 30 minutes, came out,
and was like, "Ooh, I'm sick.
I need to go home.
I'ma go home."
So I got in my car,
and I drove around the block,
like, two times, right?
And then I parked, like,
two blocks away,
and then I walked up
to his apartment building,
and it was raining--
this is how I knew
I was having my next
psychotic break.
This was my second
psychotic break,
'cause I fuckin' jumped
in that Dumpster and was, like,
fuckin' Nae Nae-ing
in that bitch
and fucking swimming,
looking for that
motherfucking tape.
I Milly Rocked
all in that motherfucker.
"Fuck is this tape at?"
And I found it.
I found the tape,
and then I drove around, like,
for two, three hours,
I drove around
to different Rite Aids
and CVSes and stuff,
and Walgreen's
had just came out.
I was like, "Yeah,
they probably got it,"
'cause I was looking
for an adapter, 'cause you know
that's when VHS was hot.
And, you know,
you put the little
Hi8 video tape
in the VHS adapter
and you put that in your VCR
and you can see what the fuck
was going on, right?
And I needed to know
what the fuck is on that tape.
I needed to know
what the fuck is on this tape.
I need to know what the fuck
is on this tape!
I was losing it.
Now I'm driving
all over the city.
I done drove out
to the valley a bit.
I almost made it to San Diego
looking for a fuckin' adapter
to this tape, right?
And I couldn't find one,
and then I called my homegirl,
Anna, at, like,
4:00 in the morning.
I was like, "Anna, girl, you got
the same video camera he got.
Let me borrow
your video camera."
She was like, "Why?
I don't know--
why do you want
the video camera?"
I was like, "Bitch,
let me borrow the video camera.
I got a pack of Newports
and some weed."
She was like, "Bring your ass
here, girl. Come."
And I was like,
"Here I come."
So I went over there, right?
I went over there.
She gave me the video camera.
I went home,
I had me a bottle of Cisco.
That's how you know
I'm fuckin' 'bout to lose it.
Cisco make you
fuckin' crazy.
Peach flavor too,
'cause I'm classy.
And I'm sitting there
watching the tape,
and then this dog-faced bitch,
old yuck-mouth-ass bitch
come up.
She got them--
you know them chicks
that be having them big-ass gums
and little baby teeth?
I was like,
"This old baby-toothed bitch!
Who the fuck is"--I was trying
to snatch her soul
out the TV, you understand me?
"Look at this, bitch."
I was so mad.
I wanted revenge. I didn't know
what the fuck to do.
I was so mad,
and I wanted--like,
you know--well,
you know what normally you do
when you get revenge on a dude.
You put sugar in his gas tank,
slash his tires,
bust the windows out his car,
throw bleach on his clothes,
fuck up his shit
in some kind of way,
but he didn't have shit.
He didn't have shit.
But what he did have was
a brand new pair of Jordans
he'd left at my house,
and I was like, "Aw, shit.
I know what I'ma do."
His name was Cornelius,
so I went ahead
and ate a gang of corn,
and I got them Jordans,
and I squatted--I shitted
right in them Jordans.
I shitted.
I shitted in them
Jordans--all the shit.
I put it all in them Jordans,
and I made it fall
to the front of the shoe,
and I wiped off the edges
and everything,
put them back in the box,
went over to his place.
I was like, "Babe,
we should go play basketball.
Let's go play basketball.
Put your new Jordans on.
You gonna be the shit
on the court,
you put them Jordans on.
Everybody gonna be
jocking you, boo."
He was like,
"All right, baby girl.
We gonna play some ball."
I was like, "Yeah, let's play."
He put his foot in that shoe.
He's like, "What the fuck
is in this shoe?
Oh, my God, somebody
shitted in my shoe.
It's human shit too.
It's corn all in it.
It's corn all
in my fuckin' shoe.
Who did this shit?"
And I was in the doorway like,
"Yeah, nigga.
All the shit you put me through,
now you walking in it,
How 'bout that?!"
And then I fuckin' ran.
I just took off out that mother.
I just ran out the house,
'cause I knew he wasn't gonna
chase me through his mama house
with shit on his feet.
Any questions?
After a while,
I started to be, like,
really super lonely,
and I started praying to God
to please send me a man.
"God, please send me a man
that really love me,
that want to be with me,
want to do what I do,
that really just love
my dirty drawers.
Like, he just--everywhere
I'm at, like no matter what,
he just there for me
no matter what."
And then God sent me a stalker,
and I was like, "Yes!
I'm marrying him."
And I married my stalker.
I'm so proud of myself.
And it was a good
relationship at first.
At first, it was
fucking awesome.
Like, he was feeding me
three times a day and stuff.
He used to take me
on long walks and everything,
and he never beat me up
or nothing, bitch.
It was a good relationship.
Now, he did choke me
a few times,
but that's when
we was playing cops,
and the police would come,
and they arrest him--
he'd go to jail for,
like, a day or so.
He'd come back.
I'd suck his dick.
We had court-ordered counseling.
It was a real relationship.
We had a judge.
That's valid, okay?
That's that foster
kid shit, bitch.
We got a judge.
It was crazy, though.
And I had broke up with him.
I left him.
I was like,
"I can't live like that.
I can't do that.
I'm not living that life."
And, um, he wanted me back.
He was like,
"I want my wife back."
Like, "I want my wife back."
I was like,
"Well, if you want me back,
there's certain things
you're gonna have to do.
You gonna have to
do certain things.
You gonna have to take
a domestic violence class,
you gonna have to take
a communications class,
you gonna have to take
an anger management class,
you gonna have to make
a million dollars
and buy me something
I always wanted, too."
So I'm thinking,
"He'll never complete
none of this shit," right?
He took all the classes.
He did all that.
He got him a job
as an executive
at a studio making money,
and then he bought me
a Sleep Number bed, bitch.
I was like,
"Oh, my God, he loves me.
He care about my rest.
He love me!"
But I knew I couldn't just
go back just the way I was.
I knew I had to get
myself together,
'cause I knew my mouthpiece
is part of why
I got choked the fuck out.
So I took myself
a communications class.
I took a domestic
violence class.
I took an anger
management class, too.
And I took a football
cross-training class,
and I took a synchronized
swimming class,
because a few people told me
if it happened once,
it might happen again, right?
So we got back together
and everything,
and it was all cool,
and he told me, like,
"You can't receive
no phone calls
or text messages after 10:00,
'cause that's disrespecting
our relationship."
And I was like,
"Oh, well, I'm a comedian.
Sometimes, clubs are
gonna hit me up
and want me to come
and do a show."
He was like, "Well, you don't
have to do that no more.
I'm making money,
so I'ma take care of you.
You ain't got to do
that comedy shit no more,"
and I was like,
"Oh, touch.
Nice. Nice, but no.
I love comedy. You can't
take that away from me.
I'm not gonna allow you
to take away what I love.
I love this.
This is my safe place.
This is my favorite thing
in the world.
I'm not gonna let you
take that from me.
Fuck that.
You could take the pussy,
but you can't take my comedy."
So we leaving
the comedy club.
It's like 12:32 a.m.
I'll never forget it.
I'll never fuckin' forget
it was 12:32 a.m.,
'cause that was my third
psychotic break, y'all.
I'll never forget it.
We're in my little Corvette.
We rolling.
I let him drive
so I could feel
like Ri-Ri and stuff.
I was feeling just like Rihanna,
like, "Yes," right?
Had the little phone
in the center console,
and he had his phone
in the center console.
That's where he fucked up.
That phone's sitting there.
12:32 a.m. The phone go off.
[imitates ringtone]
I look over,
and it say--it's
a text message--it say,
"Eva: 'Why you be lying?'"
In my head I'm like,
"Who the fuck is Eva?
Who the fuck is Eva?
I don't know--no,
he don't have no
family members named Eva.
He ain't got no cousins.
He ain't got no coworkers,
'cause I've been up to that job,
like, eight times.
I ain't met not
one bitch named Eva.
Who the fuck is Eva?
Girl, don't say
nothing out loud.
You know what you
learned in class.
What did you learn
in communications class?
What did you learn
in communications?"
And then I look at my reflection
in the window, and I see myself.
I feel like, in the reflection,
I'm like Gollum.
I'm like, "Ohh.
We must find out
who the fuck Eva is!
You ask him who is Eva!"
And then this side is like,
"No, calm down.
Calm down.
What did we learn?
We learned to smile
and be polite.
Smile and be kind
when you ask him.
Just smile."
"I don't want to smile!
I want to know
who the fuck Eva is!"
And then I hear, like,
some David Banner music,
like that Incredible Hulk music
playing in the background.
Da da da da
Da da da da, da
And I'm just trying to smile.
Da da da da
Da da da da, da
Da da da da
"Babe, who is Eva
and why does she say
you be lying?"
He's like, "Girl,
what you talking about?"
"Your phone. You got
a text message that say, 'Eva:
Why you be lying?'
Who is that?"
He like, "Girl,
you seeing things."
"Boy, you know
I ain't seeing things.
It say that right there.
You crazy. Who is Eva?"
"Girl, I don't know
what you talking about.
Ain't nothing right there."
And then I grabbed the phone.
This is what you
don't do, bitches:
never grab his phone, right?
And I text back super fast,
like--I was just like, "Why?"
And she texts back even faster,
like she's a professional
text messenger,
"Because you said you was
gonna give me some money
to get my nails
and hair done tonight."
And I was like...
"Who the fuck is Eva?!
Who is Eva? Why you be lying?
Who is Eva?
Why you be lying?
Who is Eva? Who is Eva?
Why you be lying? Who is Eva?
Why you be lying?!"
He start choking
the shit out of me.
I'm like, "Who is Eva?
Blue 43!
Who is Eva?"
He's like,
"Bitch, why you not dying?
Why you not--"
"'Cause I'm strong from
the football cross-training.
My throat is strong, nigga.
Who the fuck is Eva?
I'm breathing through my pussy
from the synchronized
swimming, motherfucker.
Who the fuck is Eva?"
Needless to say,
we not together no more.
We're not together.
Life got real hard
for me after all that.
I became homeless.
I was homeless
than a motherfucker, boy.
It was crazy too, 'cause I was,
like, classy homeless.
Like, I kept my nails done,
kept my hair done,
and I stayed with baby wipes.
A bitch stay fresh.
'Cause I didn't want people
to know that I was homeless,
and I used to be
in my little Geo Metro.
That shit was packed out.
But I was classy with mine.
I slept in real nice places.
I lived in Beverly Hills, bitch.
Kept it classy.
Slept on Doheny.
Slept on Rodeo. I mean Rod-ay-o.
Sometimes I'd be on Canon.
Police would come,
every morning about 7:00,
They would make me move.
It was like an alarm clock.
It was cool.
I was like,
"That's why I pay taxes.
Thank you, police.
I'ma go out and get this money,
try to make it happen."
I remember I used to pull up
to the comedy club to do jokes,
'cause that's where I was happy
at--there on stage.
That's my happy place.
So I'd always pull up
to the comedy club,
and I would get, like,
free meals and drinks
and stuff, so it was dope.
I'd stay eating, and--
and I'd pull up to the club,
and I'd always pull up, like,
five or ten minutes late
so the other comedians
couldn't see all the shit
in my car and clown me,
'cause they would.
They would clown
the fuck out of my ass.
And one night, I pulled up late,
and I was doing this show
at the Laugh Factory,
and Kevin Hart--
he used to be on this show too--
and he pulled up
right behind me,
and a part of me
just wanted to hide
in the car--just tuck myself
and just hide.
But I needed to get in,
so I got out the car,
and I started walking in,
and he was like,
"Yo, Haddish, what the fuck's
all that shit in your car?
What's going on?"
I was like, "Boy, please.
I'm just in
between houses.
Mind your business."
And he's like,
"What's going on with you, Tiff?
What's going on?"
I was like, "Nothing. I'm fine.
Like, mind your own"--you know,
like when something really going
on, you get a little attitude.
I was like,
"Mind your business, nigga."
He's like, "After the show,
we gonna have a conversation.
We need to talk, right?"
And I was trying to, like,
dip up out of there
after the show.
He caught me, though,
and he's like,
"Tiffany, tell me what's up,"
and I was like,
"Man, I'm just--I'm homeless
right now,
but I'ma be all right.
I'm strong.
I'll be fine.
I got my--I got
a roof over my head.
It's a Geo, but I'm good.
Like, I'm straight."
And he was like,
"Tiff, like, you a pretty girl.
You a pretty girl. Why you not
staying with somebody?
You could stay
with somebody.
Like, what's wrong
with your pussy?"
I was like, "Really, nigga?
So if I was a ugly chick,
I'd deserve to be homeless?
Like, what are you saying?"
He was like, "No, I'm just
saying, you a pretty girl
and I'm sure any dude
would love to,
like, you know,
have you stay at they place.
You don't have to be in your car
in the streets like that."
And I'm like, "Dude, look,
I don't fuck people
for a roof over my head.
I fuck people to heal them.
I'm a healer.
I'm a motherfucking
unicorn, okay?"
He was like,
"Look, here go $300.
Find yourself a hotel room
for the week."
I was like, "Kevin, where am I
gonna find a hotel room
for $300
for a fucking week in L.A.?
Don't make no sense."
He was like,
"You'll find something,
and I want you to make a list.
I want you to make
a list of goals.
Write it out on
a piece of paper.
Write out what you want
to do with your life.
Write it out--a list of goals."
And I was like, "All right."
So I was, like,
trying to find a place
to stay for $300
for a week,
and then I was like,
"Man, fuck that shit."
I got me a room
right there off of Western
and Martin Luther King
at the Snooty Fox.
Got me some shit by the hour,
you know what I'm saying?
Like, "Fuck it,
I got about four hours."
And, um... took me a shower
and everything, got fresh,
and then I just start
writing out my list.
And I was just like, "I want
a place to stay, my own spot.
I want to work
with powerful people
like Jada Pinkett
and Will Smith,
and I want to do comedy
for the rest of my life,
and I want to shoot
a Showtime special,
and I just want to be powerful
and unstoppable
when it comes to a female
in the comedy game."
I wrote all this stuff out.
And then the next day,
I get a phone call, and it's one
of my comedy friends.
She's like, "Girl,
I don't know what you did,
I don't know what's going on,
but Kevin had called somebody,
and they called me,
and they said they got a spot
for you right off of Montclair
and Adams, bitch,
right over there--
right off of Crenshaw."
I was like, "For real?"
She was like, "Yup,"
and I was like,
"Well, let me go on over there."
So I go over there, right?
And, you know,
if anybody knows Montclair
and Adams back in the day,
it's like all the crackheads.
It was like "The Walking Dead"
over there, right?
I was like, "Okay.
I can deal with this.
I can handle this."
And then I pull up
to the apartment building,
and there's bars everywhere,
and I was like,
"It's safe.
It's secure."
The dude let me
in the apartment,
and it was like the dirtiest,
nastiest rug.
It had cigarette
burns all in the carpet.
The walls was all yellow
and stained and shit.
It was like brown shit
coming out the ceiling.
The windows was all fucked up.
The blinds had burns in them.
It was horrible.
Roaches everywhere.
It was baby roaches
coming up out the stove,
like, "We're born!
It was disgusting.
It was fucking nasty,
and the dude's like,
"Do you want it?"
I was like, "It's perfect.
I love it! I could see so much
in here--so much potential.
The roof is good.
I'm happy. I'm happy."
And he was like,
"Well, look, it's $500 a month,
and it's a $500 deposit."
I was like, "Look, all I got--
all I got is $500.
How about I just give you
everything that I got, and, um--
and I'll just fix everything up.
You don't have to do nothing.
You ain't got to paint no walls;
you ain't got to do nothing.
I'll fix everything."
And he was like, "Bae."
and I was like, "Oh, my God,
this is so awesome.
These little goals--
these things be working."
So I started writing
more goals, like,
"I hope I can find some carpet,"
you know what I mean?
"I need mini blinds
and something
to soften up these bars."
And I stayed there,
and it was, like, amazing.
It was amazing to me,
and I made it really nice,
and then, like, a year later,
I ended up booking
this show called
"HBO's Def Comedy Jam,"
and I was on there with, like,
Russell Simmons and them.
D.L. Hughley was hosting,
and he told me
I was funny and stuff,
and then the director
of the show comes over to me,
and he goes, "Yo, Tiffany,
you're amazing, man.
You should come
to our Super Bowl party.
We're having a Super Bowl party.
You should come to it."
And I was like, "Bae,
I would love to come to it."
And it's, like, so crazy
how life go full circle,
'cause I pulled up to the house,
and I was like,
"Oh, my God,
I used to live right here!
This is amazing!
Right here on [inaudible].
I was living here for months!"
And he was like,
"You ain't never lived here."
I said, "Yes, I did, like,
a year and a half ago.
I lived right here
in this place.
It's nice on the inside.
This is beautiful in here."
And he was like,
"I've been here for years.
You ain't never lived here."
I said, "Yes, I did,
in that car right there."
He was like, "Oh, shit.
That was you?
I used to call the police
every morning at 6:45
to get that piece of shit
out of here."
I was like, "Man, thank you.
Thank you
for waking me up every day.
I appreciate that.
Appreciate it."
And it's just crazy, like,
how my life was going,
like, full circle,
and then I started to get,
like--things was coming in,
but they was coming in slow,
and I was getting, like, gigs,
but not really great gigs.
It wasn't, like, something to
really, like, launch a career,
and it seemed like I kept
getting pulled back
for some reason,
and I don't know why.
And I just started
to get really depressed.
I started getting
really sad, y'all,
and it was like the census
had came around.
Y'all know about the census?
That's when they come
to your house and stuff
and they try to count
how many black people live
in the neighborhood
so they know
where to put the section
eight and everything.
And the census
that came to my house,
the numerator came
knocking on my door--
this little--little white man
with glasses.
He come knocking at my door,
and he goes,
"Hello, I'm with
the U.S. government.
I'm with the census,
and we're taking a count,
and we just want to know
how many people live
in this household."
And I was like, "It's just me.
It's just me."
And he was like--
he was like, uh,
"What's the nationality?"
And I was like, "American."
And he goes, "No, no, no.
What's the race?"
And I was like,
"Really, motherfucker?
Is that what we doing?
We bringing racism
to my front door on this day
when I'm already not happy?
What are you doing?
What are you,
colorblind or something?"
And he was like,
"Why, yes, I am.
I'm very colorblind."
I was like, "Oh, shit."
And I had went back
into my brain,
and I had, like, a "That's
So Raven" moment, right?
And I had a whole conversation
with myself, like,
"Girl, this is your chance."
"What do you mean
this is my chance?"
"Obama said it's time
for change."
"He did say
it's time for change."
"Well, you could be
whatever you want to be."
"Well, what should I be?"
"Well, you got a car,
and you know a gang of Asians."
"You right. I do got a car,
and I do know a gang of Asians."
"Well, put that shit
together, girl."
"I'm car-casian."
And he said, "Great,"
and he checked the White box,
and my life has been fantastic
ever since, y'all.
Oh, my God, it is
so awesome being white.
It is so fucking cool.
Three days after I became
a white woman on paper,
my credit score went up
by 300 points, okay?
It is so awesome.
Like, look.
Last year,
I slept with 87 dudes.
Nobody called me ho or nothing.
They said I was an entrepreneur.
I'm a businesswoman, okay?
This right here?
You could write this off
on your taxes, yo.
Write your house off
on your taxes.
Six inches of office space.
We have meetings.
I had to measure it
for the taxes.
One of my friends,
she got mad at me.
"Oh, my God, Tiffany,
how could you do this,
run around here telling people
you a white woman?
You turning your back
on our people."
I said, "Honey, I am not
turning my back on anybody.
If anything, I figured out
the key to the matrix, bitch.
Check a different box."
You could be whatever
the fuck you want to be.
This is America.
This is why people come
from all over the world
to be in this country,
'cause only in America
can you be whatever
the fuck you want to be.
When a white man can wear
five gold medals,
add some titties,
keep his dick,
and win woman of the year,
and ain't even been a woman
a whole year,
you can be whatever the fuck you
want to be in America.
When a white woman can teach
African-American studies,
be the president of the NAACP,
wear her hair kinky as fuck,
tell everybody she black,
fuck all these black dudes,
and don't nobody say shit
until her mama
and daddy tell on her,
you can be whatever the fuck
you want to be in America.
My cousin--straight up--
my cousin--true story--
two-time felon.
Could not get a job nowhere.
Could not--two-time felon.
Could not get a job.
I told her, "Check the white box
and see what happens."
She now works
for Homeland Security, y'all.
You can be whatever
the fuck you want to be.
Donald Trump is the president.
You can be whatever the fuck--
you could go onstage
and be like,
"Yeah, get those
motherfuckers out of here!"
And now you the president?
Fuck it. Who knows?
In five years, I could very well
become the next leader
of the KKK.
And wouldn't that be some shit?
I'ma tell you right now,
a lot of things
are gonna change about the KKK.
If I run it, it's gonna be a lot
of things that are different.
First off, we're not gonna
wear them hoods,
'cause that fuck
your hairline up.
That's why they be
going bald up in here.
Hate make your
hairline disappear.
So we gonna wear do-rags,
'cause that make your hair
lay nice and keep it moist.
And only rich people
can be in the KKK.
Only rich people,
so it's gonna be full of Asians.
And I would change this too.
We wouldn't do this right here
if I was running the KKK.
We wouldn't do this.
Uh-uh. 'Cause this fuck
your rotator cuff up.
This right here
fuck up your rotator.
We would do like this.
'Cause that's a full-body
workout right there.
And we wouldn't say
"white power";
we'd say "white magic," what?
'Cause I'm into Harry Potter.
That's what I'm into.
I'm into magic, man.
I'm into magic.
And now that I've been,
I feel like my whole life
has been magical.
And there's been parts
of my life
that's been really fucked up,
and now, like, I'm so particular
about who I date.
Like, I don't want
to just date anybody.
I can't just date anybody.
I want to date dudes
that have an inheritance.
I think that's important.
I really do think
that's very important,
'cause that means you got people
that love and care about you.
Somebody cares so much
about you,
they set it up
so that you can have something
when they go,
you know what I'm saying?
When they go down, you go up.
I'm with that.
I'm with that. I like that shit.
And it's just, I feel like
your values are different
when you know that you got
something coming to you
once your parents--like, yeah,
I just feel like that's better.
And I want that.
And I believe the saying.
They say, "White man die,
he leave a will;
black man die, he leave a bill."
And I think that shit
is so true.
I hate to say it out loud,
but I think it's true.
I had an uncle pass away not
too long ago in his late 80s.
You would think after being on
this planet for 80-some years,
you would have left
something--a piece of land,
a few hundred thousand dollars
in a bank account--something.
This motherfucker
didn't leave us nothing
but newspapers and a cast-iron
skillet from slavery.
And we know that it was
from slavery,
'cause we took it
to the "Antiques Roadshow"
and made some money off of
that shit, so that's cool.
It was messed up, though,
'cause I don't know
if you know this
about black people,
but when somebody passes
away in the family
and there's no money
to bury him,
they do fundraisers--
fundraisers galore.
They'll do fish dinners,
chicken frys.
They'll try to throw, like,
a little get-together,
something to get
everybody to donate,
get the church to donate.
They'll do car washes.
And that's the worst,
when you see
your Auntie Gladys
out there washing cars,
and you know this bitch
is too fat to wear a two-piece.
I just could see it.
It looked horrible.
And it's so crazy, 'cause they
raised up enough money
to get the casket,
to get his suit,
to have the ceremony
and everything,
but they didn't have
enough money
to buy the land to bury him.
They didn't have enough money
to put him in the ground.
So they come to me,
'cause they like,
"Well, Tiff,
you been on a few shows.
You know, you got some money.
Can you, you know, go--let's--
we need you to bury Uncle."
And I'm like, "Um, he never
really did much for me in life.
I don't know why y'all would
even come at me like that.
I mean, he let me go to
the foster home and everything.
I mean, like, what the fuck.
Like, why would I--that
don't make no sense.
Like, we used to get sandwiches
and stuff at Subway together,
and he made me pay for them,
so I really feel like
I did my part.
Can we just--
can we just cremate him?
Let's just cremate him
and put him in a sandwich bag.
He loved sandwiches.
Put some tomatoes in there,
a little turkey meat.
He love that shit.
Like, let's just do that."
"You can't do that.
That's sacrilegious.
Don't do that.
We got to put him in the ground.
We got to put him
in the ground."
And they bullied me,
and they pressured me,
and then finally I was
just like, "Fuck it."
I did it, and it was
my whole savings--
my whole fucking savings,
'cause if you want
to bury somebody in L.A.,
be ready, bitch, 'cause that's
a down payment on a house.
It is no joke buying
that little piece of grave.
And I was like, "Oh, my God,
my first piece of land.
I'm a landowner now.
But it got a dead body
in it, though."
Can't build no house on that.
That shit would be like--
what is it, "Poltergeist"?
That funeral was
beautiful, though.
But nobody cried like I cried.
'Cause I had the most to lose
in that motherfucker.
I lost.
I was like, "Oh, it's too soon!
It's too soon! Why?
It was way too soon
for my savings account.
Two months later,
my lights got cut off.
I'm in the dark,
he in the dark.
This is not fair.
I'm alive.
This motherfucker's dead.
No fair.
Can't get no return
on that investment, man.
Let another family member die.
Uncle gonna have a roommate,
I'll tell you that much.
But because of that, I realized
I needed to have
my shit together.
I needed to have
my stuff together,
'cause I would never want
to put nobody
in the family through that.
I would never want nobody
to have to go
through what I went through.
So I went ahead...
I went ahead,
and I got all my shit together.
I got--'cause I want to be fly.
When I die, I'ma be the cutest
motherfuckin' dead person, okay?
So I got a little girl
in cosmetology school right now
so she can whip my shit
up real nice, okay?
'Cause I'm pretty sure
I'ma be old.
I'm pretty sure
I'ma be old,
and, um, I want to be
butt naked.
That's my goal:
be butt fucking naked,
and I want long mermaid hair
to cover me up
all the way down to here.
I already bought the hair off
of Facebook, so it's good.
Got that shit in a plastic bag
just waiting,
and it's gonna be long.
It's about 72 inches, bitch.
It's long.
And then I want a--
I got a throne.
I'ma be in the throne.
I'ma be on this throne, right?
And it's gonna be
at a nightclub in Hollywood.
I already rented the space.
It's done.
So it's whatever.
I'm there, okay?
And I'ma be sitting
in the throne
with the long mermaid hair,
and it's gonna be like
an under the sea theme, right?
And my arm gonna be
moving like this.
I'm gonna have the string
on my arm,
and it's gonna move my arm
like this right here.
And I'm gonna have
a hologram on my face.
I already did the video,
so it's gonna be a hologram
on my dead face of my live face,
and I'm gonna be like,
"Turn up, y'all!
And don't cry! I'm so
motherfucking happy right now!
Y'all party!
Have fun on me!
Turn up!
We playing all the hits!"
that's what I want,
and then I want to be cremated,
and I want my ashes to be buried
at this plum tree
that I got in a pot right now.
And it's gonna be really big,
and I'm just gonna move that
plum tree wherever I move to,
'cause, like, right now,
I'm in South Central,
but I know I'm gonna move
somewhere else better,
'cause my career gonna have
to get--it got to get better.
And so I'm gonna take
that tree with me,
and I'ma put it in bigger pots,
and then I want my ashes to be
in that plum tree,
and then a year later,
when the tree becomes fruitful,
I want everybody that loved me
and cared about me to eat
from that fruit.
I want them to eat the fruit
from that tree,
'cause then I will be
doing what Genesis says.
I will be being fruitful,
'cause I don't think
I'm gonna have no kids,
so I'ma be fruitful
that way,
and then I'm gonna get inside of
everybody body when they eat me.
I just want to be
inside of them for 24 hours.
That's it.
I think that's
fuckin' beautiful.
I don't give a fuck.
I think it's beautiful.
My neck is so strong,
I fuckin' broke my choker.
Can't nobody choke me,
not even you, choker!
My life changed a lot, man.
My life has changed
so drastically.
Like, almost everything
that was on that list
has come true--almost
every single thing.
Like, uh, I got to do--I'm on
this TV show right now called
"The Carmichael Show"
that comes on NBC.
I did a movie with Key
and Peele called "Keanu,"
and I was the leading lady
in that movie.
I didn't even realize--
I didn't even realize
I was the leading lady
until, like, we was done.
I was like, "Dang, I worked
a lot of days on this one.
That's crazy."
And then I just booked
this movie called "Girls Trip,"
starring Regina Hall,
Queen Latifah,
and Jada Pinkett Smith,
and myself, right?
And this had to be the most
amazing moment of my life.
This is like the most
amazing moment so far,
to be able to work
with these women
who I watched,
who I admire,
and, like, dang,
I had put Jada's name
on that list,
and then boom, there she was,
and I'm working with her,
and I'll never forget this.
One day, we was standing
outside the trailers.
We was in New Orleans
shooting this movie,
and it was, like,
90 degrees at 7:00 a.m.
Hot as fuck in New Orleans,
'cause I think that's
where the devil landed
when he got
kicked out of heaven.
Pretty sure that's
where he landed.
And we were standing
out there talking,
and I was--I had my little purse
on my shoulder.
Now, this purse--it looked
like a Michael Kors purse,
but I had got it
from the Slauson,
so you know it ain't
no real Michael Kors purse.
But I'm a firm believer in never
having a bag that you can,
like--I feel like any bag
that you have as a woman,
you should be able
to keep that amount of money.
Like, however much the bag
is worth,
that's how much money
you should be able to keep
in that bag at all times.
I'm a firm believer in that.
So I had my little $35
Michael Kors bag,
'cause I could keep $35 in it
at all times, right?
So I'm standing there
with my bag,
and it had MKs all over it,
and just a little bitty "L"
in the middle
so you couldn't tell.
It was a knockoff,
but you couldn't tell.
Like, you had to look to see.
You had to look, look!
I had the bag on.
We talking and stuff.
We laughing.
I lean back, laugh, "Ha ha ha,"
and the little lock on the bag,
little Michael Kors lock,
just melted off
and hit the ground,
and was like,
"Tink, tink, tink, tink."
And I was looking at it hit
the--like, "Boom, boom boom,"
and then Jada and Queen Latifah
was like, "What the fuck?"
And I was like...
And Jada goes,
"Um, Tiffany,
what kind of bag is that?"
And I was like, "This?
Girl, this a Martin Luther
King bag.
'Free at last, free at last.'
We breaking the chains
in this thing, girl.
That's what this bag is."
She was like, "Tiffany,
you cannot be walking
around here
with knockoff bags anymore.
You have to wear designer stuff.
You--when this movie come out,
you gonna be considered
an A-list actress,
and you cannot be walking
around here with fake shit."
And I was like, "Well,
until I can afford
the real shit,
I'ma be rocking the fake shit.
And I have no problem
with that, Jada."
She's like, "Well, you should.
You need to know
who the designers are.
Who are your
favorite designers?"
I was like,
"Whosever in the Slauson."
She's like, "No, Tiffany, no.
No, look, Tiff.
Look, this is what
I'm gonna do for you, Tiffany.
Look, I got a private jet.
I'm flying to L.A. this weekend.
You should fly with me."
I was like, "What?
On a private jet?
You want me to get with you
on a private jet?
This is crazy.
Oh, my God. Who else is going?"
She was like, "It's gonna be me,
Queen, Regina probably a go,"
and I was like,
"And is that it?" She's like,
"Yeah, that's pretty much it."
I was like, "Mmm.
I'm sorry,
I can't take that flight."
She was like, "What?
I was like, "Aaliyah.
Never forget."
She was like, "What?"
I was like, "I seen 'La Bamba,'
bitch. I know what they do.
As soon as you get, like,
right up in here,
they take your
motherfucking ass out.
I'm not going."
She was like, "Are you crazy?"
I was like, "Bitch, I might be.
It ain't enough white people
on that flight.
I'm a white woman now.
I can't just get on that flight.
Not gonna knock me out the sky."
She was like,
"Tiffany, you--you a nut,"
and I was like, "Oh, well."
She came to L.A.
She came back, right?
And she brought me a bag.
Oh, my God, she gave me
a Givenchy bag, y'all.
I was like, "What?
This is crazy."
And she left the tag in it.
It said it was $1,200.
I was like,
"Bitch, you are so nice.
Oh, my God. I'm finna pawn
this right away.
This is gonna pay my light bill
for the rest of the year.
You are so kind."
She was like, "Tiffany,
you cannot pawn that bag.
That is bad luck.
You cannot pawn the bag."
I was like, "What do you mean
it's bad luck?"
She's like, "You can't just
get rid of a gift like that.
You have to use it
for a little while,
and then you can give it to
somebody else if you want to."
I was like, "Oh, is that
what rich people do?
Oh, I didn't know that."
And she was like, "Tiffany,
you have to use the bag."
So I been using it, right?
For about six months.
And then I went ahead
and put that shit on
OfferUp, let's go, and boom,
got double the price.
The crazy thing
about that bag, though,
about that Givenchy--
it had a dog--like,
it had a mean-ass Rottweiler
on the front of it.
I was like, "What?" I was like,
"Jada, why is there such--like,
why you got this mean-ass dog
on the front of it?
What's that supposed to mean?"
She goes, like,
"Tiff, look,
I know you can't
afford security,
so I figured that'd keep
the niggas off you."
"Good looking out, Jada.
Good looking out."
And then--
and then Jada was like,
"Tiff, what you doing
this weekend?"
I said, "Girl,
I ain't doing nothing."
She said, "You want to come
to dinner with me and Will?"
I was like, "You and Will Smith?
Yes! Yes, I want
to come to dinner."
And I put on my best Facebook
dress that I had got.
It took seven weeks--
took seven weeks for me
to get that $22 dress,
and I ordered a medium,
but it turns out it
was like a Korean medium,
so the buttons were
stressed the fuck out,
but I felt good about it
and went to dinner.
And it was, like, super dope,
and we're eating
and everything,
and I'm just, like,
tripping out, 'cause I'm like,
"I'm sitting across
from the Fresh Prince."
I just want to do the running
man and shit, like...
And they're talking to me,
and I'm talking back,
and I'm trying to be
as classy as possible,
'cause I had took
a etiquette class on YouTube,
so I was...
doing my best.
And then Jada goes, "Tiff, what
you--what you doing tomorrow?"
And I was like, "Girl, I got me
a Groupon to a swamp tour,
so that's what I'm doing."
And she was like, "For real?
Who are you going with?"
I said, "I'm going by myself."
She was like, "All by yourself?"
And I was like, "Yeah.
It's a swamp tour.
I'm going by myself.
I don't have no friends
out here in New Orleans."
She was like, "Girl,
we should go with you."
I was like,
"Aw, that'd be nice."
She was like,
"Yeah, we going with you."
I was like, "Girl,
you not going with me.
You know how you famous people
do, say you gonna do something,
but then you don't do it."
And she was like,
"No, we're gonna go."
I was like, "Yeah, right."
So the next day
come about, right?
And, um, I'm like--it's 12:00,
and I'm like,
"Shit, they ain't
really gonna go.
They ain't called me yet."
And I smoked some of
the best weed ever.
I had imported--I had
imported it from L.A., right?
So it's the finest weed.
It was called Charlie Sheen.
I was fucked up.
I'm telling you, I was like,
"I just want to get
as high as possible so
when I'm out here on this swamp,
I can hear the alligators
talking to me and shit.
The birds gonna be singing;
the raccoons gonna wave at me.
I'm gonna feel like
I'm in a Disney movie.
It's gonna be beautiful.
And then, at about 12:45,
I get a phone call from Jada,
and she's like,
"Hey, Tiff.
Um, you still going
on that swamp tour?"
I said, "Yeah, girl. [coughs]
Yeah, I'm going."
She said, "Well, what time
are you leaving?" I said,
"I'm gonna leave probably
about 1:30 or whatever."
She said, "Well, me
and Will gonna go with you."
I was like, "What? For real?"
She was like, "Yeah."
I was like, "Okay, cool.
But look, since y'all got dinner
last night, don't even trip.
I'm gonna get your Groupon.
It's never nothing, you know?
Y'all looked out with dinner;
I got your Groupon."
And she was like, "What?
Okay. Whatever."
And she was like,
"Meet us at the hotel."
I was like, "No problem."
So then I get myself together.
I try to sober up,
do some jumping jacks,
and drink water.
"All right, I can drive."
And I jump in my little
$20-a-day rental car, right?
And I drive over to they hotel,
and I'm thinking I'm just gonna
give my keys to the valet
and jump in they SUV with them
and they security and shit
and be doing it big-time, right?
So when I pull up, I'm, like,
trying to hand the keys
to the valet,
but Will Smith come running out
the hotel like he in
"Bad Boys 7" and slide
in the backseat of my rental.
I'm like, "What the fuck?"
And he's like,
"Man, it's been years
since I've been
in a regular car.
This is pretty cool."
And Jada gets in.
She's like, "Oh, my God,
there's no tinted windows.
This is dangerous.
I don't know if I feel
comfortable with this."
And I was like, "Damn, Jada,
you from Baltimore. For real?"
So we go, and, like,
we take off, right?
And I'm driving, and in my mind,
I'm doing like this.
I'm just leaning back
and I'm rolling.
That's what I'm thinking
is happening in my mind.
The next day, Jada said I was
all on the wheel like this,
and I was like, "Of course I was
on the wheel like this, Jada,
'cause all I'm thinking
to myself is,
'Ooh, Tiffany,
be as safe as possible.
You don't want to be
the bitch on TMZ
that killed the Fresh
Prince of Bel Air.'"
And every time I'm looking up
in the rear-view,
I just see Will Smith like,
and I'm like...
"There's $280 million
in the backseat
of my $20-a-day rental.
What the fuck?
My life is fucking amazing."
And then I pull up--pull up
to the swamp tour, right?
I pull up, and it's like 100--
it's like 100 white people
out there, right?
And there's only one boat.
I pull up.
There's only one boat
and 100 white people,
and Jada's like, "Um, Tiffany,
what the fuck is this?"
I said, "What, Jada?
It's the Cajun Swamp Tour."
She's like, "Why is there
so many people out here?"
I said, "Girl, it's a Groupon.
They probably got Groupons."
"Tiffany, what the fuck
is a Groupon?"
"Jada, you don't know
what a Groupon is?
What do you think
a Groupon is, Jada?"
"I thought it meant
you had your own boat
that you could take
a group of people on, Tiffany."
I was like, "Jada--Jada,
why would I have
my own boat, Jada?
I got a Martin Luther King bag.
That don't even make no sense."
We go on the swamp tour,
and it was beautiful,
but when we first went
on the boat, right?
We first get
to the boat--everybody
start clapping
and cheering, right?
And I had walked on first,
and I was like, "Thank you.
Thank you so much.
Oh, yeah.
I really appreciate this."
And everyone was like,
"Not you, bitch.
Will! Jada!"
And I was like, "Aw.
That's fucked-up.
I'm white, y'all.
I'm white.
These is niggas."
They was all trying
to take pictures of Will,
and Jada was trying
to take pictures and stuff,
and Will stands up.
He goes, "Look. Look, everybody.
This is the Cajun Swamp Tour,
not the Will Smith Tour,
so let's just enjoy ourselves,
see what we can see,
learn what we can learn,
and at the end of the tour,
if we're in the mood,
we'll take pictures
with everybody.
Is that okay with you guys?
Is that all right
with you guys?"
And everybody's like, "Yay!
Hey, yeah!"
And they cheering
and clapping and laughing,
and I'm like, "This is
some bullshit right here.
He didn't even say
nothing funny.
I've been working
all these years to be funny.
He didn't say shit.
Is this what money do?
I need money."
So we enjoying ourselves
on this tour.
It's beautiful, and we just
really enjoying ourselves,
and then Will leans over to me.
He looks at me, and he goes,
"Man, Tiff,
I'm gonna have
to get me one of these."
I was like, "One of these
little ferry boats?"
He was like, "No, no, no.
I'm gonna get a swamp."
Did this nigga just say
he about to buy a ecosystem?
Niggas with choices.
Niggas with choices.
They ended up becoming
my friends, man,
and I've had so much fun,
like, getting to know them,
and it's, like, so crazy.
They invited me
to their house, right?
And I remember pulling up
to their house
and the gate opening.
I felt like I was
entering Jurassic Park,
you know what I mean?
It's so fuckin' beautiful.
Music start playing.
And I was like,
"This is awesome."
And then, like,
I was hanging out,
and their sons were there,
and all I could think
to myself is, like,
"Oh, my God, I hope that, like,
one of their sons
see me and, like,
start feeling me
and fall in love with me.
And then, like, I do it to them,
and then I get pregnant,
and we get married,
and then Will and Jada
will be my mom and dad,
and that's every foster kid's
dream come true, you know?"
And then I would inherit
a swamp and shit.
Like, that would be so dope.
Like, I try to find the beauty
in everything, though,
and I think that's
super important, you guys.
Find the beauty
in every single moment.
If you can find the dopeness
in it, find it,
'cause it's--we so lucky
to get to live.
We so lucky to get
to have experiences.
And before I leave up out
of here, I want to do one thing.
I want to just do one thing.
I want to curse
every single one of you.
I want to curse
every single person
that's watching this right now.
I curse you with all
the happiness
and joy you can fuckin' handle.
I hope you become
so motherfucking happy
that you become contagious.
I hope your happiness
becomes so contagious that
when you enter a room,
other motherfuckers get happy
to see your ass.
I hope that you become
so fucking happy
you sneeze joy, bitch.
I hope you shit success.
I hope you fucking
just be so happy.
I curse y'all with that.
I curse everybody in here
and everybody
watching this with that.
My name is Tiffany Haddish.
Thank you so much
for being here tonight.
[cheers and applause]
Y'all be safe, and if you
not safe, name it after me.
Tiffany Haddish. Goodnight.
hip-hop music
Make it rain on this boo.
My jokes are so deadly
My workload's so heavy
My paychecks are steady
I'm repping. She ready
That part
She is ready from
the hood to Hollywood
She is ready from the hood
to Hollywood
She is ready from
the hood to Hollywood
She is ready
from the hood to Hollywood
Let's go.