Tig Notaro: Boyish Girl Interrupted (2015) Movie Script
( chattering )
- ( music playing )
- ( audience cheering )
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
Are you kidding me?
My goodness.
( chuckles )
Wow, thank you.
- People are like, "Tig!"
- ( audience laughs )
"Why are you shooting
your special in Boston?"
( audience laughs )
Woman:
Whoo!
I'll tell ya something,
my grandfather...
was originally from Boston.
( audience cheers )
And my mother
lived in Boston
when she was a tiny,
little person.
- Man: Whoo!
- And this rug...
Hear me out.
This rug I am standing on
has been in my family
since the 1800s
and was in my mother's house
in Boston
- in the '40s.
- ( audience cheers )
Why am I shooting
my special...
in Boston?
- I wanted to show you my rug.
- ( audience laughs )
Why am I shooting
my special in Boston?
No more stupid questions.
( laughs )
Please.
I performed in Las Vegas
and, um, when you do
stand-up in Vegas,
typically, you have to do
an entire week,
seven nights in a row,
two shows a night.
There's an early show
and a late show,
and I bombed
all 14...
( audience laughs )
...shows.
And I'm not a huge drinker
and I don't really gamble,
so I didn't know what to do
between the early
and late show.
So the first night
I thought I'd hang out
in my hotel room,
but it was so far away
from the venue
that I only had
enough time
to walk back
to my room...
stand like this
for two minutes...
and then head back
to the Comedy Club.
The rest of the time,
I thought,
"I'll just sit
in the back corner
of the club,
hang out
between the shows,
and just kill time
having a glass of water."
I'm sitting there
and my agent
calls me to tell me
that the venue
called him
to say
that they thought
it was weird...
( audience laughs )
...that I was just sitting
in the back corner...
and could I please leave
and go find
something else to do.
So, again, I'm sitting there,
my phone rings,
I'm like,
"Hey, what's going on?"
( audience laughs )
"Oh.
Okay."
So humiliating!
It's not like
that call
came from some far-off
headquarters someplace.
That call came
from inside the club.
I'm certain the guy
was looking through
a little window
staring at me
with disgust on his face.
Just like, "Ugh, tell her
to get out of here.
Yeah, I'm sick
of looking at her face."
I still didn't know
where to go or what to do.
So I took the escalator
down to the first floor
and there's
an ice cream shop
down there.
And I'm an adult.
I just-- personally,
I don't sit alone
in ice cream shops
- just...
- ( audience laughs )
And let me be certain...
to not use...
the object
that is the exact shape...
of an ice cream cone.
( audience laughing )
So I finished
my ice cream cone,
I took the escalator
back up,
I did the final show,
and, of course,
I bombed.
I got offstage.
I shook hands
with the audience members.
And they were just like...
"We hate you."
I was like,
"Feeling is mutual."
I said goodbye
to the other comedians.
They hated me, too.
Then I went
into the office
and got paid.
Then I walked
all the way back
to my hotel room.
I put my pajamas on.
I had little pigs
flying all over my pants.
I looked so adorable.
It was like
my one tiny victory
for the whole week.
And then I went
into the bathroom
to brush my tooth.
And that's when I caught
my reflection in the mirror
and saw that I had
a full-blown
chocolate mustache
on my face.
I was like, "No!"
My brain starts replaying
everything
that had
just happened to me.
I was onstage
for an entire hour...
bombing...
with a chocolate mustache
on my face.
And then remember
all up close and personal,
I was...
Not one person...
was like, "Oh.
You have..."
"You..."
Uh-uh, nobody told me.
And then I went
into the office
to get paid...
by the guy
that I am certain
made that original
phone call
telling me
to please leave
and go find
something else to do.
Guess who found
something else to do?
- Woman: Whoo!
- Me.
I did.
I went and treated myself
to a little chocolate ice cream.
What is my problem?
I am six years from 50.
Can I not
just glance in the mirror
before I go onstage?
What is my to-do list
every night?
Belly full of ice cream.
Check.
- Head onstage.
- ( audience laughs )
What did the owner
of the club think
as I sat there
across the desk
in a tiny office
with a chocolate mustache
on my face?
A grown woman...
wanting to get paid
for 14 bombed shows.
Holding out
my little paw.
Did he think
that I just grabbed
an ice cream cone
out of the hand
of a small child,
slammed it
in my own face,
hopped back up onstage?
Not so funny anymore,
is it, Vegas?
I'm nuts.
Or did he think
that I was trying
to disguise myself...
with a fake mustache,
trying to sneak
back into the venue
he had kicked me out of?
Sorry,
this bit goes as long
as whatever stage I'm on.
( whistling )
Oh, great, there's stairs.
( groans )
Guys, relax!
Relax,
I'm just a person.
What if somebody
walked into the show
right now...
and they didn't
recognize me?
"I thought Tig
was supposed to be taping
her special.
Where did she go?
Where's Tig?"
Guys, it's me.
It's me.
It's me.
Uh, where did Tig go?
Where did Tig go?
Where did Tig go?
Let me see
your little belly.
Where did Tig go?
Oh, there I am.
Oh, you guys are dumb.
Oh, my gosh.
As a comedian,
people always ask me
what makes me laugh
really hard.
And, um, I was making
a video one time.
Just like a funny sketch
with a friend of mine
where at the end
he ends up in a bathtub
with Santa Claus.
And there are websites
that you can go on
and find your perfect,
ideal Santa,
click on him,
hire him for all your
Santa Claus needs.
We could not find
the perfect Santa Claus.
And he said,
"Do you mind if we
take a break
and go to McDonald's
so I can get a couple
hamburgers?
And then we'll come back."
And I said,
"Man, whatever you need."
We go through the drive-thru,
he gets his hamburgers.
He said,
"I cannot wait to eat these.
Do you mind
if we just sit here
and I eat 'em
and then we go back?"
I said again,
"Whatever you need."
So he backs his car
into this space
and we're now looking out
over the entire McDonald's
parking lot
and I see this woman
off in the distance
acting utterly insane.
And I said,
"What do you think
she's doing?"
And he said,
"I don't know,
but I'm gonna film her."
He gets his phone out,
he presses record,
and you guys are me and him
in the car looking through
the windshield.
The second he pressed record,
a boat of a car
drove past us
and a man turned
and it was Santa Claus.
And I yelled, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"
And he yelled,
"Oh, my God, do you think
he'll talk to us?"
And then he
shut off the phone,
we peel out
and just haul ass
chasing Santa Claus
down the street.
And we come up next to him
at the light
and I realize in that moment
I hadn't thought about
what I was gonna say
when we caught him.
And I said, "Hi.
Um, you know
who you look like, right?"
And he said,
"Santa Claus."
And I said, "Yes."
I said, "My friend and I
are making a video
and we wanted to hire you
to be in it."
He hands me
his business card
and as he's driving off
I look at it
and it said his name
at some very
conservative church dot-org.
And I said, "Oh, man.
This guy is not gonna get
into a bathtub with you."
Or maybe he will.
So we drive off
feeling defeated
and then I start thinking
about that video from earlier.
And I started laughing.
And I asked him
to pull the car over
to play it back for us
and he said, "Why?"
And I said,
"Because I feel confident
that we captured
the most ridiculous
footage
since the beginning
of time."
And then he
started thinking about it
and then we were
both hunched over
laughing so hard,
hyperventilating,
crying,
trying to push each other
away from each other.
We were laughing so hard,
we both became ugly people.
And we still hadn't even
seen the video yet.
And then he pulls
the car over
and he presses play
and you don't see that woman
off in the distance.
It's like she was never
a part of this.
The second he pressed play,
the only thing
that you see...
is a boat of a car
driving past us
and a man turning...
and you hear me
earnestly...
yell, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"
And you see my hand
just dart up into the video.
And then you hear my friend,
a full-grown man,
yell, "Oh, my God,
do you think he'll talk
to us?"
And then it just
shuts out.
If anybody came across
that video footage
with zero backstory,
it truly appears
as though two
full-grown buffoons...
thought that they
saw Santa Claus.
And what is my friend's history
with Santa Claus...
that his response...
would be,
"Oh, my God, do you think
he'll talk to us?"
Just an entire lifetime
of him running up to Santa
only to be met with...
But Santa--
I love everybody's
little laugh noises.
My favorite laugh noise
is, um, the sigh
after the laugh.
The...
( sighs )
( laughs )
( sighs )
'Cause it's like
you're reminiscing
about one second ago.
( laughs )
( sighs )
Remember one second ago?
( sighs )
Yeah, that was
a good time.
Yeah.
My other favorite
laugh noise
is the pig snort.
You know, when somebody
is just really enjoying
themselves.
and then...
( snorts )
Because I'm always curious,
is that something
they decided to do?
Like a calculated decision.
Or are they
just as surprised
as we are...
...when a pig snort
flies out of their face?
I like to think
it's the other option
where they're just like,
"You know what?
I have been laughing...
and smiling...
and clapping
all night,
but I still feel
like she doesn't get...
how much I get her.
Think I'm gonna go ahead
and snort like a pig.
Yeah, this, uh--
this story she's telling,
this is actually
one of my favorites
I was telling--
oh, hold on one second."
( snorts )
"Love your stuff."
( snorts )
My dream situation
is actually the--
at the end of the night
when the lights go on
that there is an actual pig
in the audience.
Just out on the town,
pantless,
clanking its little
cloven hooves together.
Sitting on
its little curlicue.
Comes up to me
at the end of the night,
"Hey, um, that was me."
I, uh-- I can't laugh,
so I snort.
Sure, I can talk...
but I wanted to say
I really liked that part
earlier
when you were talking
about having little pigs
on your pants.
Anyway,
I don't wanna keep you,
I just-- I really
just wanted to say...
I just wanted to say
pig fan, pig fan.
Boston, that's
a terrible joke.
I'm sorry.
( laughs )
Sorry, I'm just up here
being a ham
and I-- I'm sor--
that's too much,
you're right.
( chuckles )
Too many puns
eventually becomes
a "boar"
and I don't wanna--
don't shake your head
at me.
I will reimburse you.
I am sorry.
I'm originally
from Mississippi.
- Man: Whoo!
- Um...
( audience laughs )
Settle down, everyone.
I'm originally
from Mississippi
and, um, my fiance
- is, um...
- ( audience cheering )
Thank you. Um...
- He is from...
- ( audience laughs )
Okay.
She was raised
in Los Angeles
and New York
and I invited her
back to Mississippi
to spend the holidays
with me and my extended
family.
And before the trip,
she said, um,
"No offense, but..."
And I said, "Yes,
what is this flattering thing
you're about to say?"
She said, "When I picture
people from Mississippi,
I picture them barefoot."
Thank you.
And I said,
"Okay, I get it, but, um,
my family is civilized.
They have homes
and jobs
and shoes,
but I hear ya."
So I was down there
hanging out before she arrived,
and when you fly in
to visit my town,
you fly in
to the New Orleans airport.
And all 11
of my family members
piled into a van
to drive into
the French Quarter
to hang out,
wait until she arrived.
And I finally was like,
"Oh, yeah, she's gonna be
landing soon.
We gotta go."
All 11 of them
piled back into the van
with their beers--
I don't know if you know,
but it is legal down there
to have open containers
in vehicles.
They all get in.
They also brought
a cooler
iced down
with extra beer
just for the drive
to the airport.
I offered to be
the sober driver,
not that anybody
in my family cared
either way.
They were just like,
"Okay, nerd."
So we pull up curbside
at baggage claim
and I get out and say,
"I will be right back."
I go in, I find her.
We're walking out
chatting.
She looks up...
and she said,
"Is that your family?"
I look up
and all 11 of them
have gotten out
of the van.
They're smoking
and drinking,
they're waving wildly,
so excited to meet her.
They've pulled the cooler
out onto the sidewalk.
And they were barefoot.
After walking around
the French Quarter all day,
they took their shoes off
on the drive to get her.
So there I was...
...having to say,
"Yes,
that is
my civilized family...
...that I told you about.
There they are
in all of their glory."
So we have the holidays,
Christmas, whatever,
she and I are driving
out of town together
and, uh,
I asked her if, uh--
a couple years ago
my mother passed away
and we buried her
in our hometown in Mississippi
and I asked if we could
go visit her grave.
And she said of course.
And just to back up
a little more,
when my stepfather and I
were driving away
from the funeral,
he told me,
"When your mother died,
they were offering
a really good deal
on burial plots.
I ended up getting six
for a thousand dollars."
He said,
"I got one for your mother,
I got one for me,
I got one for you,
I got one
for your brother,
and then I got two extras."
Man:
Whoo!
I said, "That is serious
bargain shopping
just to toss in
two extra burial plots."
And he said, "Well,
I thought I would
get those
in case you or your brother,
if you had partners one day."
And I said,
"Oh, well, thank you,
but still..."
So my girlfriend and I
pull up to the graveyard,
we get out of the car...
we walk over,
we're standing there.
She's looking around.
She said,
"This is really beautiful."
She said, "So is it just--
is it just this right here?"
And I said, "Well..."
( exhales )
"That's the thing, um...
When my mother died,
they were offering
a really good deal.
Six plots
for a thousand dollars.
So my stepfather...
my mother,
she's just buried right here,
but he got hers,
and then one for him,
he got one for me,
he got one for my brother.
And then, um...
He got two extras...
...in case we had partners.
So, um...
I guess, um...
I guess that's where
you'll be gay buried.
Barefoot in Mississippi,
just like you always
imagined."
She thought it was
some twisted marriage
proposal.
After my mother passed away,
I was diagnosed
with bilateral breast cancer,
um, but I have not
told anybody yet.
( audience laughs )
You're the first people
to find out.
Wow, that's
a very cold response.
( sighs )
I ended up having
a double mastectomy,
and, um,
before my surgery,
I was already relatively
flat-chested.
And, uh, I made so many jokes
over the years
about how small
my boobs were
that I started to think
that maybe
my boobs overheard me...
and were just like,
"Pfft.
You know what?
We're sick of this.
Let's kill her."
I'm always thrown off
by the clapping.
Whoo, take her down!
I did a show
where this woman
sat front row
with her arms crossed
shaking her head at me.
And I said,
"Is there something wrong?"
And she said,
"You should end your jokes
with 'I'm just kidding.'"
Oh, right, right.
I don't know
why I never thought
about that.
That is a great idea.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not kid--
I really did have cancer,
I just-- I don't really
think that my boobs
were conspiring
to kill me.
That I'm kidding about.
( sighs )
Yeah.
Oh, we remember.
Before I had
my double mastectomy,
I, um-- I would sometimes
be mistaken for a man.
And, um, that's fine.
But then after the surgery,
it went up a bit.
I was going through security
at the airport
and, um...
they said,
"Female assist,"
which means they have
to have a female officer
pat me down extra.
And so this woman
comes over
and she comes in,
just--
and I didn't have
reconstructive surgery.
I just--
she was like...
( audience laughs )
She didn't feel
a boob or...
a bra or anything.
And she said,
"Hold on a second."
And she walked
only maybe this far away.
And she whispered something
to the other officer.
And I just heard him say,
"Yes, I'm positive."
( audience laughs )
So she comes back over
and she's like...
But this time she stopped
before she touched me
and she looked up...
at my face...
She really took it in.
But apparently,
that was not helpful
at all.
- And she said,
"Hold on a second."
- ( audience laughing )
She walks back over
and whispers something again
to the officer
and he just says, "Yes."
And the thing is,
I knew exactly
what was happening
and I knew that
all I needed to do
was speak...
and then she would know
that I was female.
But I just did not
- wanna help her out...
- ( audience laughing )
- Man: Whoo!
- ( audience cheering )
...at all.
I was enjoying
the awkwardness so much.
I just loved
standing there like...
She finally came back over
and said, "You're good."
And I walked off saying,
( imitates deep voice)
"Uh, thank you. Thank you
very much."
Oh, my gosh,
you guys are so nice.
I, um...
- have really been s--
- ( audience catcalls )
- Do not tempt me.
- ( audience laughs )
- I will do it.
I will-- I will...
- ( audience cheering )
Guys-- guys, no.
( audience cheering )
Of course I'm not gonna
take my shirt off on my sp--
( audience groans,
cheers )
- ( man whistling )
- No.
( audience cheering )
Woman:
Whoo!
So...
( man whistling )
I'll tell you,
I, uh--
I am afraid to fly
and I-- I am.
Sure, laugh all you want,
but I--
I'm very afraid to fly
and I went on a plane
that seated maybe only
six people.
And you c--
it was so tiny
that you could only
kind of crouch
to get through
the plane.
And, um...
oh, my God,
it was so small.
And once we got
to our cruising altitude,
we're flying along
and the pilot,
who's just sitting
right there,
he's just like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
And, um...
( laughs )
You do your thing,
I'll do mine.
He gets out of his seat
and just is like,
"Let me show you
where the emergency
toilet is."
And I said,
- "I'll decide where
the emergency toilet is."
- ( audience laughing )
"How about here?
How about this is
the emergency toilet?
Or how about right here?
This could be the emergency
toilet.
How about anywhere I decide
is the emergency toilet?
This entire flight
feels like an emergency.
Just one huge emergency toilet
flying through the air.
Now go sit back down,
you joker.
Don't you worry
about the emergency toilet."
I love on, um,
commercial flights
when, um, you're seated
in the emergency exit row
and the flight
attendant's like,
"You know,
just wondering
if in the event
of an emergency,
you'd be willing
to help out."
And I'm like, "Pfft...
Totally.
If you need anything,
you come grab me.
But I was just wondering
if maybe we could
wait and see
what kind of shape
I'm in
after the plane plummets
30,000 feet.
'Cause I don't even know
if I'm gonna be sitting here
anymore.
But absolutely,
you come grab me
if you need anything."
Are they really
gonna hold me to that?
Where's that woman
from 12 E?
Where's that guy
from 12 E?
Nah, he said
he'd help us out.
I'm just off in the distance
gathering my own body parts.
Did somebody
need something?
I did give a verbal
confirmation, so...
Carrying my own head
in my hand.
Yeah, just let me know
what I can do for ya.
Oh, man, flying, huh?
( audience cheering )
I've been traveling
around so much
and, um,
I've noticed
in the States--
I haven't really
noticed it so much
overseas anywhere,
but in the US
I've noticed
these signs
showing up
at public pools.
And, um, I'm sure plenty of you
have seen these,
and they say
that you cannot
go swimming
if you have diarrhea.
Raise your hand
if you've seen these signs.
Yes, these are
actual signs.
And my question is
how frequently
was this happening?
But, more importantly,
how confident of a person
do you have to be...
to be like,
"Oh, man.
Oh, man."
( exhales )
"I do not feel well.
Doctor said I should
definitely stay home.
Stick near the toilet.
- But you know what?"
- ( audience laughs )
"I'm gonna head down
to the public pool.
Go swim around.
With full blown diarrhea."
They're just like,
"Hey!
Out of the pool!"
Me?
Yeah, you can't swim
with diarrhea.
Oh, so this
is a problem?
Yeah, gotta get out
of the pool.
Listen...
if you don't want me
swimming
with diarrhea,
then you're gonna need
to hang up a sign.
Otherwise, there's just
no possible way...
( chuckles )
I would know better.
So until that goes...
Thank you so much.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not-- I'm not leaving,
I'm not leaving.
I have a weird delivery.
- It...
- ( audience laughing )
I've had it my whole life,
my whole career.
Sounds like I'm leaving,
but I'm just saying
thank you.
It's kind of like you guys
really got that, thanks!
( sighs )
I have a gift for you all.
Uh, something that brings me
a lot of joy in my life.
I wanna give it to you
so that you can experience
the happiness
that I do.
I love...
sending text messages
to friends of mine
at random times
of the day
that just say,
"What's your ETA?"
I just love knowing
that somewhere across town
somebody is half-naked
frantically rifling
through emails
and text messages
trying to figure out
what they agreed
to do with me.
And they write back,
"What?"
And then write back,
"Yeah, we're all seated.
Better hurry."
And then they write back,
"Where?"
And then don't respond.
Ever again.
Cut them out of your life.
Delete them from your phone.
Just move on.
It was time.
It was time
and you both knew it.
- Thank you!
- ( audience laughs )
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
( sighs )
I've been doing stand-up
for almost 20 years now
and... every show
I've ever done...
whether it was
a coffee shop,
an open mic,
a sold-out theater,
a college,
a club,
every single show
I've ever done,
- I've gotten
a standing ovation.
- ( audience laughing )
Oh, sure,
laugh all you want.
Even in Vegas
I got 14
standing ovations.
You might be thinking,
"I had a good time tonight,
but not like--
not 'standing ovation'
good time."
Everybody thinks that.
Everybody thinks that
and then sure enough,
the show ends and everyone
jumps to their feet
and they're yelling,
"Tig!
We love you!
This is the best comedy show
we've ever seen in our lives."
And I'm just like,
"I'm just a person.
Please be seated."
And they won't.
And that goes on
for three minutes
every single time.
So I'm just giving you
a heads up what's to come.
( audience laughing )
I love music.
( audience laughing )
I've never detected
a punch line there.
Maybe I should
listen more.
( man laughing loudly )
Sounded like a cartoon character
showed up.
( imitates laughing )
I like your style,
ha, ha, ha!
That was funny,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I can barely take this,
I'm laughing so hard.
Ha, ha, ha!
That's all I wanted,
to laugh.
I do-- I do love music
and, um, I would constantly
write down all the lyrics
to every Beatles song.
Like put the record on,
take the needle off,
and write the lyrics down,
put the needle back on.
Just every song.
Obsessed.
And my grandmother ended up
having Alzheimer's
and she collected anything
that we touched growing up.
And towards the end of her life
when I was an adult,
she called me
into her bedroom.
And she pulled out
this box and this paper.
She said,
"You wrote this for me
- when you were little."
- ( audience laughing )
And it was
"When I'm 64."
And I had to sit there
and take credit...
for a Lennon
and McCartney tune.
I was like, "Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that one."
( chuckles )
"You like that, huh?
If so, I have a huge catalogue
of other--
other songs
I think you might like."
In sixth grade,
I took a music class
and, um, we were lectured
about anywhere
from The Who
to Beethoven.
We played instruments,
we read books.
And at the end
of every session,
the teacher
would always ask
if somebody had
a favorite song
they wanted to play.
And I always brought in Beatles
and Rolling Stones songs.
And one day,
the coolest kid
in the entire school--
his name was J.D.--
- and he came...
- ( audience chuckles )
Oh, that's funny to you?
That is a child's name.
A child that is 44 now,
but it's still a child's name.
What is your name?
- Chris.
- Chris.
- The coolest kid
in the entire school...
- ( audience laughing )
was named Chris.
How does that feel?
Doesn't feel good,
does it, Chris? No.
J.D. came up to me
after class
and he said,
"If I bring in
one of my dad's
Rolling Stones records,
will you tell me the coolest
song on the album to play?"
And I said, "Pfft...
No question."
The next day,
J.D. brought in his dad's
Rolling Stones album
"Let It Bleed."
And I looked it over...
and I picked this song
and said,
"This is the coolest song
on the album."
And it was
"You Can't Always Get
What You Want."
And he said,
"Are you positive
that this is
the best song,
the coolest song
on the album?"
I was like,
"Man, I couldn't be
more positive."
And then the teacher asked
if anyone had brought in
their favorite song to play.
And J.D. raised his hand
and she called on him.
And that's when everybody
in sixth grade
heard the coolest kid
in the entire school
play this.
I saw her today
at the reception
- J.D. was like,
"What the hell is this?"
- ( audience laughing )
And I was like,
"No, no, it gets better."
I knew she would meet
her connection
At her feet
was a footloose man
No, you can't always get
what you want
You can't always get
what you want
You can't always get
what you want
But if you try
sometime
You'll find
You can get
what you need...
- And then the bell rang.
- ( audience laughing )
- Boston, thank you so much.
- ( audience cheering )
You're such a great
audience.
What?
I told you.
Please, be seated.
Please, be seated.
I'm just a person.
I'm just a person.
Touch me.
I'm just a person.
Please, be seated.
Please, be seated.
No, I'm just a person.
Touch me.
Thank you so much,
really.
Just two more minutes.
Please, be seated.
I'm just a person.
I'm just a person.
- That person said,
"I know, I know."
- ( audience laughs )
What do you mean,
"you know"?
"I know."
Nobody's
shaking their fist.
Boston.
Settle down.
I'm just a person.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good night.
( music playing )
( music ends )
- ( music playing )
- ( audience cheering )
Thank you.
Oh, my gosh.
Are you kidding me?
My goodness.
( chuckles )
Wow, thank you.
- People are like, "Tig!"
- ( audience laughs )
"Why are you shooting
your special in Boston?"
( audience laughs )
Woman:
Whoo!
I'll tell ya something,
my grandfather...
was originally from Boston.
( audience cheers )
And my mother
lived in Boston
when she was a tiny,
little person.
- Man: Whoo!
- And this rug...
Hear me out.
This rug I am standing on
has been in my family
since the 1800s
and was in my mother's house
in Boston
- in the '40s.
- ( audience cheers )
Why am I shooting
my special...
in Boston?
- I wanted to show you my rug.
- ( audience laughs )
Why am I shooting
my special in Boston?
No more stupid questions.
( laughs )
Please.
I performed in Las Vegas
and, um, when you do
stand-up in Vegas,
typically, you have to do
an entire week,
seven nights in a row,
two shows a night.
There's an early show
and a late show,
and I bombed
all 14...
( audience laughs )
...shows.
And I'm not a huge drinker
and I don't really gamble,
so I didn't know what to do
between the early
and late show.
So the first night
I thought I'd hang out
in my hotel room,
but it was so far away
from the venue
that I only had
enough time
to walk back
to my room...
stand like this
for two minutes...
and then head back
to the Comedy Club.
The rest of the time,
I thought,
"I'll just sit
in the back corner
of the club,
hang out
between the shows,
and just kill time
having a glass of water."
I'm sitting there
and my agent
calls me to tell me
that the venue
called him
to say
that they thought
it was weird...
( audience laughs )
...that I was just sitting
in the back corner...
and could I please leave
and go find
something else to do.
So, again, I'm sitting there,
my phone rings,
I'm like,
"Hey, what's going on?"
( audience laughs )
"Oh.
Okay."
So humiliating!
It's not like
that call
came from some far-off
headquarters someplace.
That call came
from inside the club.
I'm certain the guy
was looking through
a little window
staring at me
with disgust on his face.
Just like, "Ugh, tell her
to get out of here.
Yeah, I'm sick
of looking at her face."
I still didn't know
where to go or what to do.
So I took the escalator
down to the first floor
and there's
an ice cream shop
down there.
And I'm an adult.
I just-- personally,
I don't sit alone
in ice cream shops
- just...
- ( audience laughs )
And let me be certain...
to not use...
the object
that is the exact shape...
of an ice cream cone.
( audience laughing )
So I finished
my ice cream cone,
I took the escalator
back up,
I did the final show,
and, of course,
I bombed.
I got offstage.
I shook hands
with the audience members.
And they were just like...
"We hate you."
I was like,
"Feeling is mutual."
I said goodbye
to the other comedians.
They hated me, too.
Then I went
into the office
and got paid.
Then I walked
all the way back
to my hotel room.
I put my pajamas on.
I had little pigs
flying all over my pants.
I looked so adorable.
It was like
my one tiny victory
for the whole week.
And then I went
into the bathroom
to brush my tooth.
And that's when I caught
my reflection in the mirror
and saw that I had
a full-blown
chocolate mustache
on my face.
I was like, "No!"
My brain starts replaying
everything
that had
just happened to me.
I was onstage
for an entire hour...
bombing...
with a chocolate mustache
on my face.
And then remember
all up close and personal,
I was...
Not one person...
was like, "Oh.
You have..."
"You..."
Uh-uh, nobody told me.
And then I went
into the office
to get paid...
by the guy
that I am certain
made that original
phone call
telling me
to please leave
and go find
something else to do.
Guess who found
something else to do?
- Woman: Whoo!
- Me.
I did.
I went and treated myself
to a little chocolate ice cream.
What is my problem?
I am six years from 50.
Can I not
just glance in the mirror
before I go onstage?
What is my to-do list
every night?
Belly full of ice cream.
Check.
- Head onstage.
- ( audience laughs )
What did the owner
of the club think
as I sat there
across the desk
in a tiny office
with a chocolate mustache
on my face?
A grown woman...
wanting to get paid
for 14 bombed shows.
Holding out
my little paw.
Did he think
that I just grabbed
an ice cream cone
out of the hand
of a small child,
slammed it
in my own face,
hopped back up onstage?
Not so funny anymore,
is it, Vegas?
I'm nuts.
Or did he think
that I was trying
to disguise myself...
with a fake mustache,
trying to sneak
back into the venue
he had kicked me out of?
Sorry,
this bit goes as long
as whatever stage I'm on.
( whistling )
Oh, great, there's stairs.
( groans )
Guys, relax!
Relax,
I'm just a person.
What if somebody
walked into the show
right now...
and they didn't
recognize me?
"I thought Tig
was supposed to be taping
her special.
Where did she go?
Where's Tig?"
Guys, it's me.
It's me.
It's me.
Uh, where did Tig go?
Where did Tig go?
Where did Tig go?
Let me see
your little belly.
Where did Tig go?
Oh, there I am.
Oh, you guys are dumb.
Oh, my gosh.
As a comedian,
people always ask me
what makes me laugh
really hard.
And, um, I was making
a video one time.
Just like a funny sketch
with a friend of mine
where at the end
he ends up in a bathtub
with Santa Claus.
And there are websites
that you can go on
and find your perfect,
ideal Santa,
click on him,
hire him for all your
Santa Claus needs.
We could not find
the perfect Santa Claus.
And he said,
"Do you mind if we
take a break
and go to McDonald's
so I can get a couple
hamburgers?
And then we'll come back."
And I said,
"Man, whatever you need."
We go through the drive-thru,
he gets his hamburgers.
He said,
"I cannot wait to eat these.
Do you mind
if we just sit here
and I eat 'em
and then we go back?"
I said again,
"Whatever you need."
So he backs his car
into this space
and we're now looking out
over the entire McDonald's
parking lot
and I see this woman
off in the distance
acting utterly insane.
And I said,
"What do you think
she's doing?"
And he said,
"I don't know,
but I'm gonna film her."
He gets his phone out,
he presses record,
and you guys are me and him
in the car looking through
the windshield.
The second he pressed record,
a boat of a car
drove past us
and a man turned
and it was Santa Claus.
And I yelled, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"
And he yelled,
"Oh, my God, do you think
he'll talk to us?"
And then he
shut off the phone,
we peel out
and just haul ass
chasing Santa Claus
down the street.
And we come up next to him
at the light
and I realize in that moment
I hadn't thought about
what I was gonna say
when we caught him.
And I said, "Hi.
Um, you know
who you look like, right?"
And he said,
"Santa Claus."
And I said, "Yes."
I said, "My friend and I
are making a video
and we wanted to hire you
to be in it."
He hands me
his business card
and as he's driving off
I look at it
and it said his name
at some very
conservative church dot-org.
And I said, "Oh, man.
This guy is not gonna get
into a bathtub with you."
Or maybe he will.
So we drive off
feeling defeated
and then I start thinking
about that video from earlier.
And I started laughing.
And I asked him
to pull the car over
to play it back for us
and he said, "Why?"
And I said,
"Because I feel confident
that we captured
the most ridiculous
footage
since the beginning
of time."
And then he
started thinking about it
and then we were
both hunched over
laughing so hard,
hyperventilating,
crying,
trying to push each other
away from each other.
We were laughing so hard,
we both became ugly people.
And we still hadn't even
seen the video yet.
And then he pulls
the car over
and he presses play
and you don't see that woman
off in the distance.
It's like she was never
a part of this.
The second he pressed play,
the only thing
that you see...
is a boat of a car
driving past us
and a man turning...
and you hear me
earnestly...
yell, "Oh, my God,
it's Santa Claus!"
And you see my hand
just dart up into the video.
And then you hear my friend,
a full-grown man,
yell, "Oh, my God,
do you think he'll talk
to us?"
And then it just
shuts out.
If anybody came across
that video footage
with zero backstory,
it truly appears
as though two
full-grown buffoons...
thought that they
saw Santa Claus.
And what is my friend's history
with Santa Claus...
that his response...
would be,
"Oh, my God, do you think
he'll talk to us?"
Just an entire lifetime
of him running up to Santa
only to be met with...
But Santa--
I love everybody's
little laugh noises.
My favorite laugh noise
is, um, the sigh
after the laugh.
The...
( sighs )
( laughs )
( sighs )
'Cause it's like
you're reminiscing
about one second ago.
( laughs )
( sighs )
Remember one second ago?
( sighs )
Yeah, that was
a good time.
Yeah.
My other favorite
laugh noise
is the pig snort.
You know, when somebody
is just really enjoying
themselves.
and then...
( snorts )
Because I'm always curious,
is that something
they decided to do?
Like a calculated decision.
Or are they
just as surprised
as we are...
...when a pig snort
flies out of their face?
I like to think
it's the other option
where they're just like,
"You know what?
I have been laughing...
and smiling...
and clapping
all night,
but I still feel
like she doesn't get...
how much I get her.
Think I'm gonna go ahead
and snort like a pig.
Yeah, this, uh--
this story she's telling,
this is actually
one of my favorites
I was telling--
oh, hold on one second."
( snorts )
"Love your stuff."
( snorts )
My dream situation
is actually the--
at the end of the night
when the lights go on
that there is an actual pig
in the audience.
Just out on the town,
pantless,
clanking its little
cloven hooves together.
Sitting on
its little curlicue.
Comes up to me
at the end of the night,
"Hey, um, that was me."
I, uh-- I can't laugh,
so I snort.
Sure, I can talk...
but I wanted to say
I really liked that part
earlier
when you were talking
about having little pigs
on your pants.
Anyway,
I don't wanna keep you,
I just-- I really
just wanted to say...
I just wanted to say
pig fan, pig fan.
Boston, that's
a terrible joke.
I'm sorry.
( laughs )
Sorry, I'm just up here
being a ham
and I-- I'm sor--
that's too much,
you're right.
( chuckles )
Too many puns
eventually becomes
a "boar"
and I don't wanna--
don't shake your head
at me.
I will reimburse you.
I am sorry.
I'm originally
from Mississippi.
- Man: Whoo!
- Um...
( audience laughs )
Settle down, everyone.
I'm originally
from Mississippi
and, um, my fiance
- is, um...
- ( audience cheering )
Thank you. Um...
- He is from...
- ( audience laughs )
Okay.
She was raised
in Los Angeles
and New York
and I invited her
back to Mississippi
to spend the holidays
with me and my extended
family.
And before the trip,
she said, um,
"No offense, but..."
And I said, "Yes,
what is this flattering thing
you're about to say?"
She said, "When I picture
people from Mississippi,
I picture them barefoot."
Thank you.
And I said,
"Okay, I get it, but, um,
my family is civilized.
They have homes
and jobs
and shoes,
but I hear ya."
So I was down there
hanging out before she arrived,
and when you fly in
to visit my town,
you fly in
to the New Orleans airport.
And all 11
of my family members
piled into a van
to drive into
the French Quarter
to hang out,
wait until she arrived.
And I finally was like,
"Oh, yeah, she's gonna be
landing soon.
We gotta go."
All 11 of them
piled back into the van
with their beers--
I don't know if you know,
but it is legal down there
to have open containers
in vehicles.
They all get in.
They also brought
a cooler
iced down
with extra beer
just for the drive
to the airport.
I offered to be
the sober driver,
not that anybody
in my family cared
either way.
They were just like,
"Okay, nerd."
So we pull up curbside
at baggage claim
and I get out and say,
"I will be right back."
I go in, I find her.
We're walking out
chatting.
She looks up...
and she said,
"Is that your family?"
I look up
and all 11 of them
have gotten out
of the van.
They're smoking
and drinking,
they're waving wildly,
so excited to meet her.
They've pulled the cooler
out onto the sidewalk.
And they were barefoot.
After walking around
the French Quarter all day,
they took their shoes off
on the drive to get her.
So there I was...
...having to say,
"Yes,
that is
my civilized family...
...that I told you about.
There they are
in all of their glory."
So we have the holidays,
Christmas, whatever,
she and I are driving
out of town together
and, uh,
I asked her if, uh--
a couple years ago
my mother passed away
and we buried her
in our hometown in Mississippi
and I asked if we could
go visit her grave.
And she said of course.
And just to back up
a little more,
when my stepfather and I
were driving away
from the funeral,
he told me,
"When your mother died,
they were offering
a really good deal
on burial plots.
I ended up getting six
for a thousand dollars."
He said,
"I got one for your mother,
I got one for me,
I got one for you,
I got one
for your brother,
and then I got two extras."
Man:
Whoo!
I said, "That is serious
bargain shopping
just to toss in
two extra burial plots."
And he said, "Well,
I thought I would
get those
in case you or your brother,
if you had partners one day."
And I said,
"Oh, well, thank you,
but still..."
So my girlfriend and I
pull up to the graveyard,
we get out of the car...
we walk over,
we're standing there.
She's looking around.
She said,
"This is really beautiful."
She said, "So is it just--
is it just this right here?"
And I said, "Well..."
( exhales )
"That's the thing, um...
When my mother died,
they were offering
a really good deal.
Six plots
for a thousand dollars.
So my stepfather...
my mother,
she's just buried right here,
but he got hers,
and then one for him,
he got one for me,
he got one for my brother.
And then, um...
He got two extras...
...in case we had partners.
So, um...
I guess, um...
I guess that's where
you'll be gay buried.
Barefoot in Mississippi,
just like you always
imagined."
She thought it was
some twisted marriage
proposal.
After my mother passed away,
I was diagnosed
with bilateral breast cancer,
um, but I have not
told anybody yet.
( audience laughs )
You're the first people
to find out.
Wow, that's
a very cold response.
( sighs )
I ended up having
a double mastectomy,
and, um,
before my surgery,
I was already relatively
flat-chested.
And, uh, I made so many jokes
over the years
about how small
my boobs were
that I started to think
that maybe
my boobs overheard me...
and were just like,
"Pfft.
You know what?
We're sick of this.
Let's kill her."
I'm always thrown off
by the clapping.
Whoo, take her down!
I did a show
where this woman
sat front row
with her arms crossed
shaking her head at me.
And I said,
"Is there something wrong?"
And she said,
"You should end your jokes
with 'I'm just kidding.'"
Oh, right, right.
I don't know
why I never thought
about that.
That is a great idea.
I'm just kidding.
I'm not kid--
I really did have cancer,
I just-- I don't really
think that my boobs
were conspiring
to kill me.
That I'm kidding about.
( sighs )
Yeah.
Oh, we remember.
Before I had
my double mastectomy,
I, um-- I would sometimes
be mistaken for a man.
And, um, that's fine.
But then after the surgery,
it went up a bit.
I was going through security
at the airport
and, um...
they said,
"Female assist,"
which means they have
to have a female officer
pat me down extra.
And so this woman
comes over
and she comes in,
just--
and I didn't have
reconstructive surgery.
I just--
she was like...
( audience laughs )
She didn't feel
a boob or...
a bra or anything.
And she said,
"Hold on a second."
And she walked
only maybe this far away.
And she whispered something
to the other officer.
And I just heard him say,
"Yes, I'm positive."
( audience laughs )
So she comes back over
and she's like...
But this time she stopped
before she touched me
and she looked up...
at my face...
She really took it in.
But apparently,
that was not helpful
at all.
- And she said,
"Hold on a second."
- ( audience laughing )
She walks back over
and whispers something again
to the officer
and he just says, "Yes."
And the thing is,
I knew exactly
what was happening
and I knew that
all I needed to do
was speak...
and then she would know
that I was female.
But I just did not
- wanna help her out...
- ( audience laughing )
- Man: Whoo!
- ( audience cheering )
...at all.
I was enjoying
the awkwardness so much.
I just loved
standing there like...
She finally came back over
and said, "You're good."
And I walked off saying,
( imitates deep voice)
"Uh, thank you. Thank you
very much."
Oh, my gosh,
you guys are so nice.
I, um...
- have really been s--
- ( audience catcalls )
- Do not tempt me.
- ( audience laughs )
- I will do it.
I will-- I will...
- ( audience cheering )
Guys-- guys, no.
( audience cheering )
Of course I'm not gonna
take my shirt off on my sp--
( audience groans,
cheers )
- ( man whistling )
- No.
( audience cheering )
Woman:
Whoo!
So...
( man whistling )
I'll tell you,
I, uh--
I am afraid to fly
and I-- I am.
Sure, laugh all you want,
but I--
I'm very afraid to fly
and I went on a plane
that seated maybe only
six people.
And you c--
it was so tiny
that you could only
kind of crouch
to get through
the plane.
And, um...
oh, my God,
it was so small.
And once we got
to our cruising altitude,
we're flying along
and the pilot,
who's just sitting
right there,
he's just like,
"Hey, how's it going?"
And, um...
( laughs )
You do your thing,
I'll do mine.
He gets out of his seat
and just is like,
"Let me show you
where the emergency
toilet is."
And I said,
- "I'll decide where
the emergency toilet is."
- ( audience laughing )
"How about here?
How about this is
the emergency toilet?
Or how about right here?
This could be the emergency
toilet.
How about anywhere I decide
is the emergency toilet?
This entire flight
feels like an emergency.
Just one huge emergency toilet
flying through the air.
Now go sit back down,
you joker.
Don't you worry
about the emergency toilet."
I love on, um,
commercial flights
when, um, you're seated
in the emergency exit row
and the flight
attendant's like,
"You know,
just wondering
if in the event
of an emergency,
you'd be willing
to help out."
And I'm like, "Pfft...
Totally.
If you need anything,
you come grab me.
But I was just wondering
if maybe we could
wait and see
what kind of shape
I'm in
after the plane plummets
30,000 feet.
'Cause I don't even know
if I'm gonna be sitting here
anymore.
But absolutely,
you come grab me
if you need anything."
Are they really
gonna hold me to that?
Where's that woman
from 12 E?
Where's that guy
from 12 E?
Nah, he said
he'd help us out.
I'm just off in the distance
gathering my own body parts.
Did somebody
need something?
I did give a verbal
confirmation, so...
Carrying my own head
in my hand.
Yeah, just let me know
what I can do for ya.
Oh, man, flying, huh?
( audience cheering )
I've been traveling
around so much
and, um,
I've noticed
in the States--
I haven't really
noticed it so much
overseas anywhere,
but in the US
I've noticed
these signs
showing up
at public pools.
And, um, I'm sure plenty of you
have seen these,
and they say
that you cannot
go swimming
if you have diarrhea.
Raise your hand
if you've seen these signs.
Yes, these are
actual signs.
And my question is
how frequently
was this happening?
But, more importantly,
how confident of a person
do you have to be...
to be like,
"Oh, man.
Oh, man."
( exhales )
"I do not feel well.
Doctor said I should
definitely stay home.
Stick near the toilet.
- But you know what?"
- ( audience laughs )
"I'm gonna head down
to the public pool.
Go swim around.
With full blown diarrhea."
They're just like,
"Hey!
Out of the pool!"
Me?
Yeah, you can't swim
with diarrhea.
Oh, so this
is a problem?
Yeah, gotta get out
of the pool.
Listen...
if you don't want me
swimming
with diarrhea,
then you're gonna need
to hang up a sign.
Otherwise, there's just
no possible way...
( chuckles )
I would know better.
So until that goes...
Thank you so much.
No, no, no, no.
I'm not-- I'm not leaving,
I'm not leaving.
I have a weird delivery.
- It...
- ( audience laughing )
I've had it my whole life,
my whole career.
Sounds like I'm leaving,
but I'm just saying
thank you.
It's kind of like you guys
really got that, thanks!
( sighs )
I have a gift for you all.
Uh, something that brings me
a lot of joy in my life.
I wanna give it to you
so that you can experience
the happiness
that I do.
I love...
sending text messages
to friends of mine
at random times
of the day
that just say,
"What's your ETA?"
I just love knowing
that somewhere across town
somebody is half-naked
frantically rifling
through emails
and text messages
trying to figure out
what they agreed
to do with me.
And they write back,
"What?"
And then write back,
"Yeah, we're all seated.
Better hurry."
And then they write back,
"Where?"
And then don't respond.
Ever again.
Cut them out of your life.
Delete them from your phone.
Just move on.
It was time.
It was time
and you both knew it.
- Thank you!
- ( audience laughs )
Thank you so much.
Thank you so much
for coming out tonight.
( sighs )
I've been doing stand-up
for almost 20 years now
and... every show
I've ever done...
whether it was
a coffee shop,
an open mic,
a sold-out theater,
a college,
a club,
every single show
I've ever done,
- I've gotten
a standing ovation.
- ( audience laughing )
Oh, sure,
laugh all you want.
Even in Vegas
I got 14
standing ovations.
You might be thinking,
"I had a good time tonight,
but not like--
not 'standing ovation'
good time."
Everybody thinks that.
Everybody thinks that
and then sure enough,
the show ends and everyone
jumps to their feet
and they're yelling,
"Tig!
We love you!
This is the best comedy show
we've ever seen in our lives."
And I'm just like,
"I'm just a person.
Please be seated."
And they won't.
And that goes on
for three minutes
every single time.
So I'm just giving you
a heads up what's to come.
( audience laughing )
I love music.
( audience laughing )
I've never detected
a punch line there.
Maybe I should
listen more.
( man laughing loudly )
Sounded like a cartoon character
showed up.
( imitates laughing )
I like your style,
ha, ha, ha!
That was funny,
ha, ha, ha, ha, ha!
I can barely take this,
I'm laughing so hard.
Ha, ha, ha!
That's all I wanted,
to laugh.
I do-- I do love music
and, um, I would constantly
write down all the lyrics
to every Beatles song.
Like put the record on,
take the needle off,
and write the lyrics down,
put the needle back on.
Just every song.
Obsessed.
And my grandmother ended up
having Alzheimer's
and she collected anything
that we touched growing up.
And towards the end of her life
when I was an adult,
she called me
into her bedroom.
And she pulled out
this box and this paper.
She said,
"You wrote this for me
- when you were little."
- ( audience laughing )
And it was
"When I'm 64."
And I had to sit there
and take credit...
for a Lennon
and McCartney tune.
I was like, "Oh, that's right.
I forgot about that one."
( chuckles )
"You like that, huh?
If so, I have a huge catalogue
of other--
other songs
I think you might like."
In sixth grade,
I took a music class
and, um, we were lectured
about anywhere
from The Who
to Beethoven.
We played instruments,
we read books.
And at the end
of every session,
the teacher
would always ask
if somebody had
a favorite song
they wanted to play.
And I always brought in Beatles
and Rolling Stones songs.
And one day,
the coolest kid
in the entire school--
his name was J.D.--
- and he came...
- ( audience chuckles )
Oh, that's funny to you?
That is a child's name.
A child that is 44 now,
but it's still a child's name.
What is your name?
- Chris.
- Chris.
- The coolest kid
in the entire school...
- ( audience laughing )
was named Chris.
How does that feel?
Doesn't feel good,
does it, Chris? No.
J.D. came up to me
after class
and he said,
"If I bring in
one of my dad's
Rolling Stones records,
will you tell me the coolest
song on the album to play?"
And I said, "Pfft...
No question."
The next day,
J.D. brought in his dad's
Rolling Stones album
"Let It Bleed."
And I looked it over...
and I picked this song
and said,
"This is the coolest song
on the album."
And it was
"You Can't Always Get
What You Want."
And he said,
"Are you positive
that this is
the best song,
the coolest song
on the album?"
I was like,
"Man, I couldn't be
more positive."
And then the teacher asked
if anyone had brought in
their favorite song to play.
And J.D. raised his hand
and she called on him.
And that's when everybody
in sixth grade
heard the coolest kid
in the entire school
play this.
I saw her today
at the reception
- J.D. was like,
"What the hell is this?"
- ( audience laughing )
And I was like,
"No, no, it gets better."
I knew she would meet
her connection
At her feet
was a footloose man
No, you can't always get
what you want
You can't always get
what you want
You can't always get
what you want
But if you try
sometime
You'll find
You can get
what you need...
- And then the bell rang.
- ( audience laughing )
- Boston, thank you so much.
- ( audience cheering )
You're such a great
audience.
What?
I told you.
Please, be seated.
Please, be seated.
I'm just a person.
I'm just a person.
Touch me.
I'm just a person.
Please, be seated.
Please, be seated.
No, I'm just a person.
Touch me.
Thank you so much,
really.
Just two more minutes.
Please, be seated.
I'm just a person.
I'm just a person.
- That person said,
"I know, I know."
- ( audience laughs )
What do you mean,
"you know"?
"I know."
Nobody's
shaking their fist.
Boston.
Settle down.
I'm just a person.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Good night.
( music playing )
( music ends )