Tig Notaro: Hello Again (2024) Movie Script
- [rock music playing]
- [audience cheering]
[rock music playing]
[cheering and applause]
Hello.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you, people of Brooklyn.
[cheering and applause continues]
Wow.
[cheering and applause continues]
Come on. You know that's not my style.
[audience laughs]
Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.
Um...
Also, my wife, Stephanie,
is directing tonight.
[cheering and applause]
All right.
Tonight's my night, though. Okay?
[audience laughs]
Actually, she is, by far,
out of the two of us,
the most popular in our family.
And possibly elsewhere.
But, um...
Yes, she's wonderful.
But we work together oftentimes,
and we'll leave and come home
at the same time.
And one day
I came home by myself,
and when I walked in,
the alarm said,
"Side door open."
[audience laughs]
And our son started yelling,
"Mommy's home, Mommy's home!"
That's what they call Stephanie.
[audience laughs]
And then I came around the corner
and our son Finn looked back at me...
and then looked at his brother
and said, "It's just her."
[audience laughs]
As if to say, "Don't even bother
even slightly turning your head."
[audience laughs]
The letdown is so monumental.
[audience laughs]
Learn from my mistake.
[audience laughs]
Before Max and Finn came along,
people told us all of the typical things
of make sure you travel,
you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.
Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation
that happens on a near-daily basis.
[audience laughs]
Like, "It's just her."
Another example:
At bedtime, I was walking upstairs
with our son Max,
and he asked
if I would read him a story.
And I thought,
"Well, this will be great."
We can just have
a little special moment together.
I'll snuggle in real close to him
and read him a book.
He picks out a story.
And I'm reading the book.
He's just staring at me.
[audience laughs]
I get to page, like, four or five,
and then he says,
"Can you leave?"
[audience laughs]
"Absolutely.
Uh...
My apologies."
[audience laughs]
But you could tell he was
just like, "Yeah, I get it.
The little animal misses
its mommy or whatever,
but, uh, I'm exhausted,
so beat it."
[audience laughs]
Stephanie and I
were completely dead asleep
in the middle of the night
one time when Finn came in
and just wedged his little body
right between us.
Just got right in there.
And then in the darkness,
this little voice...
"I have two mommies?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."
And he said,
"I don't want two mommies."
[audience laughs]
And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh,
my gosh, this train has left the station."
[audience laughs]
And also, because it was dark,
I couldn't make eye contact
with Stephanie to be like,
"How are we gonna deal with this?"
[audience laughs]
But then a beat later, he said,
"I want three mommies."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Phew."
[audience laughs]
That was close.
[audience laughs]
But also, I never imagined
it would be our young son
who would open up our marriage.
[audience laughs]
[applause]
But being a good parent,
I immediately got online.
[audience laughs]
Started a new profile.
[audience laughs]
Saying "Little boy
in search of third mommy."
[audience laughs]
"Recent photos only."
[audience laughs]
They're seven and a half now,
and it's starting to feel like
life is kind of normal again
because we're getting sleep
and we're going out and socializing.
We went to a movie premiere,
got home at 11:00. It was a big night.
[audience laughs]
And when we got home,
Stephanie immediately fell asleep.
And I was up with a stomachache,
and I just thought,
"Well, I'm not gonna bother her with this.
I'm sure it's nothing."
All of my medical issues
end up not being a big deal anyway, so...
[audience laughs]
Why would this be any different?
And then a couple of hours pass
and it just got worse and worse.
And I just, I turned to her
and I said, "Oh, my gosh,
I'm in so much pain
and my stomach's killing me."
And she was really groggy and said...
"Do you think it was
all the popcorn that you ate
at the premiere of the movie?"
And I said, "Mm, I do not."
[audience laughs]
"I've been eating popcorn
for almost 50 years now and, uh...
Not consistently, but almost,
and this is not popcorn pain."
[audience laughs]
And she said, "Well,
why don't you get up, get dressed,
and we'll go
to the emergency room
because I don't think
we should take any chances."
And I said,
"Well, I don't even know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."
And she said, You can't walk?
Well, then I'm calling 911."
And people of Brooklyn...
[audience laughs]
She called 911
and a gigantic fireman appeared
at our bedroom door.
This guy was over six feet tall,
had rubber boots on,
fireman pants,
muscles out to here,
suspenders, no shirt.
[audience laughs]
Meanwhile, I'm lying in bed
feeling so vulnerable
'cause I'm in terrible pain.
Plus, I'm in my nightgown and...
[audience laughs]
You think I wear a nightgown?
[audience laughs]
Me, your friend Tig,
you think I wear a nightgown?
[audience laughs]
You think I'm walking around
the house like...
[audience laughs]
"Who is it? Who is it?"
[audience laughs]
Because that's what you do
when you wear a nightgown.
You find out who it is.
[audience laughs]
I think the last time I wore a nightgown
was probably 1977.
[audience laughs]
Probably had a little Pooh Bear
on the front
scooping honey
out of a clay pot.
[audience laughs]
Fully polyester.
My mother would walk down the hall.
[inhales]
"Good night."
[audience laughs]
[imitates fire]
[audience laughs]
Where was the fireman that night?
[audience laughs]
I'll tell you where he was.
I bet he was in his little bed
that was in the shape of a fire truck.
[audience laughs]
Dreaming of one day
becoming a fireman.
Anyway...
[audience laughs]
So I'm in bed.
He comes over and he says,
"I want you to know,
I understand that
you're in a lot of pain
and that there is an ambulance
outside if you need it."
And I said, "Ah, I appreciate that.
I just, I don't know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."
And he said,
"That is not a problem."
[audience laughs]
And he scooped me up
in those big, strong arms.
And I was like,
"Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this."
[audience laughs]
Bada bing, bada boom.
[audience laughs]
Right then, I thought,
"Oh, I get it now."
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?
[audience laughs]
That is not my typical type.
[audience laughs]
Oh, here's another curveball
I learned about myself that night.
Didn't know I was into this.
He had a mustache.
[audience laughs]
It wasn't just a mustache.
It was one of these.
[audience laughs]
Yes, please.
[audience laughs]
Don't. Don't judge me.
I feel like my demographic knows
better than most that you can fall for
and be attracted to anyone
at any point.
And it goes every which way.
[cheering and applause]
It's true.
And I really had no idea
that this was my type.
[audience laughs]
I always thought if I'm ever into a guy,
it's not gonna be that guy.
[audience laughs]
I always thought he'd be
a singer-songwriter.
[audience laughs]
A painter, a poet.
[audience laughs]
He'd have a slight build.
We'd share a wardrobe.
[audience laughs]
But not this guy.
But there I was, in his arms,
my body just dangling,
nightgown flowing in the wind.
[audience laughs]
He's carrying me down the hall.
And I said, "Listen,
when we pass these two doors,
I need you to do me a favor
and I need you to be extra quiet,
because if my sons wake up
and see this situation,
they are going to be so confused
on so many different levels."
But he was amazing about it.
You know how he is.
He is the best.
[audience laughs]
He starts tiptoeing
with me in his arms.
He carries me down the stairs.
And my father-in-law lives with us,
and he carried me past him.
And then Stephanie had the door
of the house open,
and he carried me past her.
And I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life."
[audience laughs]
We get out to the ambulance
and he gently places me on the gurney.
Kisses me on the forehead.
[audience laughs]
It was mutual.
[audience laughs]
He closes and locks the back door.
And then, wouldn't you know it...
[knocking]
"Oh, God.
Hey, uh, apparently,
my roommate is worried about me
and wants to join us
on the ride to the hospital."
[audience laughs]
"Thanks a lot, Stephanie."
[audience laughs]
Total buzzkill.
But as I suspected,
it ended up not being a big deal.
It was just internal bleeding.
[audience laughs]
And a couple of weeks later,
Stephanie and I are at a party.
I'm telling everyone in this group
about the hot, sexy fireman
that carried me out of the house
in the middle of the night.
I was like,
"Oh, my God, you should've seen it.
Just muscles, mustache, so sexy."
Stephanie overhears this, walks up,
and says, "I'm sorry."
She has a look of disgust on her face.
She's like,
"You thought that guy was hot?"
[audience laughs]
"Uh, yes, I did."
[audience laughs]
"And this is not a matter of opinion."
[audience laughs]
"This is a matter of fact."
And I don't know
if anyone here can relate,
but there is nothing more awkward
than finding out in a social situation
that you and your wife
have completely different taste in men.
[audience laughs]
The older I get, I'm noticing
I think I have trouble with my hearing.
I-I... Something's off.
I always misunderstand a word
or miss an entire chunk
of information altogether.
I'll give you a couple of examples.
Uh, I was working in Toronto,
and I checked in for my flight.
And the woman behind the counter said,
"Okay, you're all set.
You can go hang out now
in the Make Believe Lounge."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I said, "Oh, yeah?"
[audience laughs]
"Where is that?"
[audience laughs]
And she said,
"It's on the fourth floor."
I said, "Oh, is it, now?"
[audience laughs]
And she's just like,
"Mm-hmm, yeah."
And I said, "All right, well, uh,
I guess I'm gonna head up there now."
[audience laughs]
And the whole time,
she's just nodding her head.
"Yep. Okay."
I'm like, "Okay, here I go."
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
Okay, here's the thing.
I deal with these types of people
in these jobs on a near-daily basis,
and it's typically a very straightforward
exchange of information.
And with her, I thought,
"I've clearly stumbled
upon a little weirdo."
[audience laughs]
But I'll play.
But she never said,
"I'm just kidding."
So I thought, "Okay, I have to go see
what's going on on the fourth floor."
[audience laughs]
I press the elevator button,
go up, the doors open,
and there is a huge sign that says,
"Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge."
[audience laughs]
You know, Canada.
[audience laughs]
And I immediately cringe,
reflecting on the exchange
that I just had
where the woman clearly said
I could go hang out
in the Maple Leaf Lounge,
and I'm like, "Oh, yeah?"
[audience laughs]
"Where is that?"
[audience laughs]
"It's on the fourth floor."
"Okay. Is it, now?"
[audience laughs]
"Mm-hmm, yes."
"Okay, well, I guess
I'm gonna head up there now."
[audience laughs]
"Okay."
"All right, here I go."
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
I looked clinically insane.
[audience laughs]
Another example:
Uh, as I mentioned before,
Stephanie and I oftentimes work together,
and we had a meeting one afternoon
with Reese Witherspoon
and her producing partner,
and we were having a great time.
We were all sharing stories.
We're laughing so hard.
Just really a grand old time.
And then Reese started
talking about the TV show
that she worked on
called Big Little Lies.
And she said, "Uh, yeah, I was one
of the shortest cast members of the show.
I'm 5'2 ", Laura Dern is 5'10",
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
and Shailene is 5'8 "."
And I responded, saying,
"Oh, that's interesting
'cause years ago
I dated a woman
that was six feet tall,
and I think she was kind of
insecure about her height,
so she hunched."
[audience laughs]
So...
[audience laughs]
Now...
The vibe in the room tonight
is eerily similar to the vibe
in Reese Witherspoon's office that day.
[audience laughs]
And soon after,
we wrap up the meeting,
head out, shut the door,
and Stephanie turns to me and says,
"Um..."
[audience laughs]
"What were you talking about in there?"
[audience laughs]
And that was the moment
that I learned
that there is an actress
named Shailene.
[audience laughs]
I...
I had never heard of her.
[audience laughs]
Now, this is also
the moment in the show
where there's a pocket of people
that are like,
"Oh, that is funny."
[audience laughs]
And then there are other people
like, "What?
[audience laughs]
And then I see people
lean into each other
to be like, "Well, no, I think,"
to explain.
[audience laughs]
No need to explain.
That's why I'm-I'm here. I...
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
Let me tell you what I heard.
[audience laughs]
I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5'2",
Laura Dern is 5'10",
Nicole Kidman is six feet...
and she leans 5'8".
[audience laughs]
That's why I said what I said.
[audience laughs]
I was sitting there looking at Reese,
her producing partner, Lauren,
and my own wife
staring back at me.
[audience laughs]
You could tell in their eyes they were
desperately trying to connect the dots.
[audience laughs]
To make what I had just said
makes sense.
[audience laughs]
And I feel like
I can read a room pretty well,
and I was truly sitting there
like, "What?"
[audience laughs]
I was also thinking,
"Oh, I'm sorry, Reese.
You can share
your boring height story."
[audience laughs]
"And then as soon as I share mine,
the entire room shuts down?"
[audience laughs]
I truly, in that moment,
I truly thought I was being
a really good conversationalist.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Oh, interesting.
Okay, so your friend is six feet
and she leans 5'8".
Boy, do I have a story for you."
[audience laughs]
So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5'2"...
[audience laughs]
Laura Dern is 5'10",
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
and Shailene is 5'8".
[audience laughs]
And I essentially just responded to that
with, "Oh, interesting.
Um, I used to date a woman
that hunched."
[audience laughs]
"Bye-bye."
[audience laughs]
"Nailed that meeting."
[audience laughs]
"We'll be in touch, Reese."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I have no connection to Nicole Kidman.
I don't... I mean, I've seen her,
you know, on TV shows and in film,
but if her friend is telling me
she's six feet and leans 5'8",
I'm not gonna push back.
[audience laughs]
And no matter how old you are,
you can always learn a new word
or a new phrase.
And I promise you, I thought
that's what was happening.
[audience laughs]
It's like,
"Oh, okay, six feet, leans five...
Is that what that's called? Hmm."
[audience laughs]
"I'll have to use that moving forward."
[audience laughs]
I really... I didn't know. I...
Yeah, I don't know Nicole.
I'm not connected.
The only slight connection
I have to Nicole Kidman is
I know that there are some people
who think I look like her ex-husband.
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
But...
[cheering and applause]
I have to say, whenever I do
the "she leans," it makes me feel cool.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
[audience laughs]
My back used to be so bad
that if you caught me
a few years ago, I would
have been like, "She leans."
But my friend highly recommended
I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles,
and I did, and she snapped, crackled,
and popped me back into shape.
And she said, "I do feel like this
is gonna hold you for a few months,
but you might be a candidate
for back surgery."
And so I'm lying there
and she's asking me,
you know,
what happened to my back.
And I said, "Oh, I was in a car accident,
a skiing accident, snowboarding accident."
I said, "We have these
two little roommates
that are in the 99th percentile.
Anytime I pick them up,
it snaps my back in two."
And she says, "Okay, well,
if you do go meet with surgeons,
just make sure
that you mention your accidents
and that you're a mother or whatever."
[audience laughs]
And she kept talking
and telling me the important information
to tell the surgeon,
but I was lying there thinking,
"A mother or, slap, slap, whatever."
I was...
[audience laughs]
What does that mean?
And so I didn't hear anything she said.
[audience laughs]
And my brain just started going
in all of these different directions.
And I'm just thinking,
"Does she think I'm a man?"
[audience laughs]
And then I thought, "Oh,
maybe she thinks I identify differently."
Uh, which, just so you know,
I just identify as a run-of-the-mill,
old-fashioned lesbian.
- And I...
- [cheering and applause]
I don't need a standing ovation. I...
[audience laughs]
We're all something,
and that's just what I am.
But I was like... [sighs]
And then I thought...
You know how you can hire
somebody to come in
to talk about sexual harassment
in the office?
[audience laughs]
I was really reaching here,
and I was thinking, "Oh, maybe
there's some company you can hire
that will come in."
And then I stopped myself.
I was like, there is no world
that there is a company
that comes in to say,
"Listen, if you find yourself
face to face with someone
or something that you can't identify,
say what you think they are,
and then just flap your hand
about an inch from the nose
and then say, 'Or whatever.'"
[audience laughs]
"And that's the all-inclusive part."
[audience laughs]
I was like,
"There's no possible way, Tig."
But I could tell that
she didn't have bad intentions,
um, which I think
is very important these days.
Probably has always been important,
but really important now.
And I feel like the way I could tell
that she didn't have bad intentions
was solely from that.
[audience laughs]
Honestly, when I drove home that day
when I was trying to solve this puzzle,
I had a moment where I was like,
"Well, at least she did flap her hand."
[audience laughs]
- [sighs]
- [audience laughs]
Because here's the thing,
is a person that...
I think that what happened was
she was looking at my face,
and I think her sentence
got ahead of her.
[audience laughs]
And she was just like, "So, you know,
just tell them about your accidents,
that you're a mother... Oh..."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, this face could be
many different things.
Flappity, flap, flap."
[audience laughs]
"Flap." You know, this is not...
This is...
This is panic.
This is not "I'm gonna try
and hurt your feelings."
This is "Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away."
[audience laughs]
I don't have the vocabulary,
but flappity, flap, flap."
[audience laughs]
I did, um...
I did end up having back surgery.
And wouldn't you know it,
there were complications.
I'll tell you what happened.
They cut my stomach open,
move my insides over,
bolt and fuse my spine,
move everything back over,
and then zip me up.
And I-I apologize.
I know that is a lot of medical jargon.
[audience laughs]
But it is what happened.
And my blood pressure dropped really low,
my insides shut down,
and they couldn't give me
the level of pain medication I needed
because my blood pressure
was so low,
so I was in so much pain,
started panicking.
Then they gave me Ativan
for the anxiety.
And we found out in that moment
that I'm allergic to Ativan,
and I started hallucinating like crazy.
And Stephanie said the moment
that she knew something was off
was when I was lying there
and I said, "Oh, boy."
[audience laughs]
"Here comes boss lady."
[audience laughs]
And she said, "First of all,
I know you would
never use the term 'boss lady.'"
[audience laughs]
"Second of all,
you don't have a boss lady."
[audience laughs]
"And third of all,
there is nobody there."
[audience laughs]
And I guess I had turned
and tried to shoo our family cat
off of the bedside table.
I was like, "Fluff, get down.
Get away from the vodka."
[audience laughs]
Wasn't a bottle of vodka sitting there.
Also, Fluff was not visiting me
that day in the hospital.
[audience laughs]
She had actually come the day before.
[audience laughs]
And before this moment, typically,
the doctors and nurses would always
beeline over to me,
and they would check my vitals.
And I look over and now they're
all standing around Stephanie,
and I'm thinking,
"Oh, my gosh, what's going on?"
I couldn't get a hold of my brain,
and I was like,
"What are they talking about?"
And then I heard Stephanie say,
"Yeah, she's been hallucinating
on every sentence."
[audience laughs]
And then I interrupted.
[audience laughs]
And said, "Pfft, every other."
[audience laughs]
Just trying to save face because I really
did not know what was happening.
I mean, truly had no clue,
and I've never done
hallucinogenic drug trips.
And that's probably obvious
just by that sentence.
[audience laughs]
The closest I've ever come
to that state of mind
is when I'm really tired
or somebody wakes me up
from my sleep, I'll say something
that doesn't make sense.
And I remember
when I was in seventh grade,
my friend was spending the night
and we were talking in the dark,
and she was sharing something
traumatic from her childhood.
And I woke up
because I heard myself yell,
"There's corn dogs in the freezer!"
[audience laughs]
And she said, "What?"
[audience laughs]
And then I had to make it make sense.
[audience laughs]
And I said, "Oh, um...
I just wanted to let you know
that if you do get hungry in the night,
we have corn dogs in our freezer."
[audience laughs]
"But anyway, go ahead.
I was listening."
[audience laughs]
And people of Brooklyn,
we were not a corn dogs
in the freezer kind of family.
[audience laughs]
So that was a close call.
[audience laughs]
But needless to say,
I was not in touch
with the outside world
during this stint.
And Stephanie looked over at one point
and I had my cell phone in my hand.
And she said, "What are you doing?"
[audience laughs]
And I said, "I'm texting Patrick."
[audience laughs]
And she said, "Let me see your phone."
And I said, "Why?"
And she said, "Give me your phone."
[audience laughs]
And if she hadn't
taken a screen grab,
I would never have believed
what I was about
to send to Patrick.
[audience laughs]
He simply asked,
"Hey, how's it going in there?"
And I responded, saying,
"Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things
have been getting worse to a towel."
[audience laughs]
And then in parentheses, I wrote,
"I see tractor!"
[audience laughs]
"Also, CHB."
[audience laughs]
And whenever I share this story,
inevitably, somebody asks,
"What? What is CHB?"
And my response is,
"What is getting worse to a towel?"
[audience laughs]
Why does nobody have any question
about the rest of the text message?
[audience laughs]
Everybody's just like,
"What the hell is CHB?"
[audience laughs]
Like, what? I don't know. It's...
I was out of my mind.
Make up whatever you want it to be.
[audience laughs]
But I love
that I had the wherewithal
to put parentheses
around "I see tractor!"
[audience laughs]
Because I can only assume
that I was mid-text
and then glanced over.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Whoa."
[audience laughs]
"Okay, this has nothing to do
with the rest of my message,
but, uh, I do see tractor."
[audience laughs]
"Also, CHB."
[audience laughs]
And a couple of days
after I was discharged,
I had this vague recollection
of stopping texting Patrick
to Google "how to spell tractor."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I know how to spell "tractor."
[audience laughs]
But I guess in that state of mind
I was just like,
"Okay, I can't just be
firing off misspelled texts."
[audience laughs]
"What will Patrick think of me?"
[audience laughs]
I ended up going
to physical therapy,
and I just, I want to make sure
that my physical therapist
is not here.
[audience laughs]
She has absolutely
zero sense of humor.
[audience laughs]
None.
None.
And Stephanie calls people like that
"people who talk to one another."
[audience laughs]
And we do that at home
all the time.
We'll be like,
"Good morning."
[audience laughs]
"Good morning."
[audience laughs]
"I've made breakfast."
"It looks delicious. Thank you."
"Well, I'd better be off to work."
"Have a wonderful day."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
And that is people
who talk to one another.
[audience laughs]
- And... yeah.
- [applause]
Yes, it really does deserve
an applause break.
[audience laughs]
So here's the thing.
You can end up in weird positions
when you're in physical therapy,
and it's just nice to be able
to connect with somebody.
Not with her.
[audience laughs]
Okay?
She wanted me to do this exercise
that called for a very thick rubber band
around my thighs.
And, um, she said, "To put put
the rubber band on, you step into it.
It feels like you're putting on pants."
But you're not.
[audience laughs]
You're stepping into a rubber band.
And so I had moments
where I was like, "Oh, this is f...
Oh, sorry."
[audience laughs]
'Cause she's just all about
strengthening the back.
And which, of course,
that's why I'm there.
"I'm on your side.
I just, I feel silly, and I would..."
[audience laughs]
"Okay, nothing."
So I get the rubber band onto my thighs,
and she said, "There's not enough room
in my office for this exercise,
so please follow me out into the hallway."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Again, nothing about it is silly to her.
So I'm waddling behind her.
[audience laughs]
And I said, "Oh, I feel so f..."
[audience laughs]
"Does everything
have to be a joke with you?"
[audience laughs]
"Kinda, yeah."
[audience laughs]
"I have a mortgage, so..."
[audience laughs]
We get out to the hall,
and this is a large building
in Los Angeles,
very high up.
I mean, maybe ten times
as long as this stage.
And she said, "I want you,
with the rubber band around your thighs,
get in this position,
and then do this
all the way down the hall
and then all the way back,
so forth and so on, okay?"
She... Nothing's funny
about this to her.
[audience laughs]
'Cause she's just a person
who talks to other people.
[audience laughs]
I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh.
I'm alone."
[audience laughs]
So I'm going back and forth.
And then here's an important bit
of information for you.
All of the walls are glass.
[audience laughs]
We've got doctors' offices, attorneys...
I'm...
[audience laughs]
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
[sing-song]
Scoot down...
I mean, I'm...
Look, I know I'm not
the most well-known person,
but people were recognizing me.
[audience laughs]
Okay? And I'm just like...
[audience laughs]
"God help me."
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
While I'm scooting down the hall,
I have this other realization
on top of everything,
where I'm like, "Oh. Oh, no."
[audience laughs]
"None of these people
waiting to see their doctors,
or their lawyers,
none of them know
that there's a physical therapy office
on this floor."
[audience laughs]
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down...
It's like, "What the hell is Tig doing?"
[audience laughs]
"I had the day off.
I'm checking on you."
[audience laughs]
You've got a big trial
in the morning, buddy."
[audience laughs]
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
Oh, my gosh,
that is a hit song, is it not?
[cheering and applause]
And speaking of hit songs,
you probably don't know this about me,
but I do love to sing
and play the piano.
And I was thinking, I actually
might do that for you tonight.
[cheering and applause]
Only if you want me to.
[cheering and applause]
Oh, look at that, perfect timing.
[cheering and applause]
So, um, I do. I...
I love to sing and play the piano.
Um, I...
I don't know how to do either.
[audience laughs]
- [playing off-key]
- [cheering and applause]
I do. I love...
You know, when I tell people
that I can't play the piano
and I have a terrible voice,
they assume, oh,
that I can't play anything.
It's the opposite.
[audience laughs]
I can play whatever I want.
- [playing off-key]
- [cheering and applause]
Thank you.
I'm probably one of very few pianists...
[audience laughs]
That's what we're called.
[audience laughs]
And if you're too immature
to deal with that word...
[plays off-key]
...then you're in the right place.
[audience laughs]
But I think I am one
of very few pianists that you'll see
that plays cross-legged.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
Sometimes I like to emulate,
like, a jazz pianist,
because I feel like it kind of helps me
sound better when I, like...
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
Jazz is just chaos,
and that's all this is, so...
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
I mean, it kind of sounds like something.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
Clap if you're a pianist tonight
and you think,
"Well, it does
kind of sound like something."
[cheering and applause]
Whoa!
Thank you.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
A lot of pianists here.
[audience laughs]
What about a pianist
that's thinking,
"Uh, actually,
it does not sound like anything."
- [applause]
- Get out!
[audience laughs]
Get out.
[audience laughs]
You can't take my joy.
[audience laughs]
I mean, come on, I...
Maybe I'll put out an album.
[audience laughs]
And just call it
"It Kind of Sounds Like Something."
[audience laughs]
[playing off-key]
[plays off-note]
[audience laughs]
That's universal for the song is over.
[cheering and applause]
I feel like I'm accidentally
getting good at the piano.
[audience laughs]
Um...
I was in Los Angeles
and I was at a party
that was just littered
with some of the most famous people
that you could ever imagine in your life,
and I'm certainly not
including myself on that list,
but on stage of this huge venue,
there was a grand piano,
a full drum set, guitars, microphones,
and, throughout the night,
different singers and musicians
would get on stage,
do a few songs, and then get down,
and then somebody else
would get up.
You would see people
like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande,
Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis...
so many different great, great performers.
And Adele was there.
And yeah, no matter how famous
anybody at this party was,
all anybody cared about was Adele.
[audience laughs]
And you'd just hear
the whole night, like,
[whispering]
"Oh, there's Adele.
Here she comes.
I think Adele is gonna sing next.
Oh, she's going over by the...
She's by the stage.
I think she's going on.
Here she comes.
It's Adele, Adele, Adele,
Adele, Adele, Adele."
And then she never sang.
[audience laughs]
And I turned to Stephanie
and I just said, "Pfft, I'll do it."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
And Pink was finishing her final song.
[audience laughs]
And I walk up
to the front of the stage
and I said,
"Hey, I wanna sing a song next."
And she was so excited.
She knew I did comedy.
She didn't know I was a singer.
[audience laughs]
And she said,
"What song are you gonna sing?"
And I said, "I wanna sing
Adele's 'Hello.'"
[audience laughs]
She was so excited,
I thought her face
was gonna pop off of her head.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
You can't dial in an Adele song.
[audience laughs]
You know? So she's like,
"Oh, not only does she sing,
she's incredible."
[audience laughs]
And then I said,
"Here's the thing.
I don't really know
how the song goes."
[audience laughs]
"And so I was wondering
if you could do me a favor
and go over
to the side of the stage
and ask the DJ
to play Adele's 'Hello, '
and then I'll play and sing along
to the best of my ability."
[audience laughs]
And her face dropped
'cause she realized
what she was dealing with
in that moment.
[audience laughs]
But she did it.
Pink walks over, asks the DJ
to play Adele's "Hello."
And that is what I was thinking
I just might play for you tonight.
[cheering and applause]
I just need to warm up a little more.
Hold on.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
I actually...
You know what?
- [plays off-note]
- [audience laughs]
I feel like this is a good point
in the show to apologize.
[audience laughs]
Say a friend brought you tonight.
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry.
[audience laughs]
Or maybe you only know me
from my TV show One Mississippi
or my podcast Handsome, and...
[cheering and applause]
And you're like, "Oh, she does stand-up?
What's that like?"
[playing off-key]
It's like this.
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry.
[audience laughs]
I have to say, I have these moments
when I'm on stage...
[chuckles]
...where I, I really get in touch with
the fact that I am somebody's mother.
[audience laughs]
Or whatever, but...
[audience laughs]
You understand, I have to look
at these children in the face
and say, "I have to go to work now."
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
"No, it's important.
I'm running late. I must go."
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
I, um...
I close all of my shows
with Adele's "Hello."
[audience laughs]
And, um, I was in Honolulu,
and it's in my contract
that I have a piano on stage.
And I was backstage
and the promoter,
somebody came up to me
and he said, "Tig, I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened,
but you're supposed to have a piano."
And I said, "Yes, I...
I do need one."
[audience laughs]
And he said, um...
[sighs]
"I just looked at your contract
and I saw that you needed one.
And I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened.
We do have a piano.
It's just, um...
It's not tuned."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Oh, that's fine."
[audience laughs]
He said, "Really?"
And I said, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It makes no difference whatsoever."
[audience laughs]
"Same show."
[audience laughs]
"In fact,
every other key could be missing."
[audience laughs]
"Same show."
[audience laughs]
[playing off-key]
So...
Actually, if anybody
has a specific song title
that they would like to request.
[audience shouting requests]
I love that everyone's, like, panicking,
like, trying to, like...
"We came here for the hits, Tig."
[audience laughs]
[audience shouting requests]
Any? What?
[audience shouting requests]
Listen to yourselves.
[audience laughs]
Just listen to yourselves.
[audience laughs]
[playing off-key]
What's that?
"Heart and Soul" by Huey Lewis?
[audience laughs]
No?
[audience laughs]
Well, I'm sorry. What is...
Who sings "Heart and Soul"?
Wait, why does it even matter?
I don't know how to play piano.
[audience laughs]
I can't even believe
I'm getting hung up on details here.
[audience laughs]
Sure, I'll play "Heart and Soul." I...
[audience member vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
You know what?
I refuse to be treated this way.
[audience laughs]
"It's this..." [vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
That feels like such a New York thing.
Like, I feel like...
[audience laughs]
Like at a dance rehearsal
or something.
Like, the teacher's like,
"You know, two, three, step it up."
[vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
Let's not forget that I don't...
Again, here's "Heart and Soul."
[vocalizing]
Here we go.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
[audience laughs]
That was the Huey Lewis version,
by the way.
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
Okay, so before I do this,
the big finale...
The incredible Adele.
[audience cheers]
Such a talent.
And I just, it's so important
that you not forget
that I don't know
how to play the piano.
[audience laughs]
And I have a terrible voice.
[audience laughs]
And I know people are like,
"I know it's coming, I know it's coming.
I bet she's a great piano player
and I bet she sings like a bird."
[audience laughs]
That is not on the horizon.
[audience laughs]
[sighs]
This is the most crucial thing.
You cannot forget
for even a millisecond...
that Adele was at that party.
[audience laughs]
[exhales]
[audience laughs]
Hit it.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
[singing off-key]
Hello from the other side
[cheering and applause]
[singing off-key]
At least I can say that I've tried
[audience laughs]
[singing off-key]
Tell you I'm sorry
Thank you so much, Brooklyn.
[cheering and applause]
Remember, Adele was there.
[cheering and applause continues]
And so was Oprah Winfrey.
[cheering and applause continues]
[playing off-key]
[cheering and applause continues]
People of Brooklyn,
thank you so, so much.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you so much for coming out.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you. What a great audience.
Thank you so much.
[cheering and applause continues]
["Chopsticks" plays on piano]
[cheering and applause continues]
["Chopsticks" continues]
[cheering and applause]
[cheering and applause continues]
- [audience cheering]
[rock music playing]
[cheering and applause]
Hello.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you, people of Brooklyn.
[cheering and applause continues]
Wow.
[cheering and applause continues]
Come on. You know that's not my style.
[audience laughs]
Oh, my gosh, this is so exciting.
Um...
Also, my wife, Stephanie,
is directing tonight.
[cheering and applause]
All right.
Tonight's my night, though. Okay?
[audience laughs]
Actually, she is, by far,
out of the two of us,
the most popular in our family.
And possibly elsewhere.
But, um...
Yes, she's wonderful.
But we work together oftentimes,
and we'll leave and come home
at the same time.
And one day
I came home by myself,
and when I walked in,
the alarm said,
"Side door open."
[audience laughs]
And our son started yelling,
"Mommy's home, Mommy's home!"
That's what they call Stephanie.
[audience laughs]
And then I came around the corner
and our son Finn looked back at me...
and then looked at his brother
and said, "It's just her."
[audience laughs]
As if to say, "Don't even bother
even slightly turning your head."
[audience laughs]
The letdown is so monumental.
[audience laughs]
Learn from my mistake.
[audience laughs]
Before Max and Finn came along,
people told us all of the typical things
of make sure you travel,
you're not gonna get a lot of sleep.
Nobody mentioned the utter humiliation
that happens on a near-daily basis.
[audience laughs]
Like, "It's just her."
Another example:
At bedtime, I was walking upstairs
with our son Max,
and he asked
if I would read him a story.
And I thought,
"Well, this will be great."
We can just have
a little special moment together.
I'll snuggle in real close to him
and read him a book.
He picks out a story.
And I'm reading the book.
He's just staring at me.
[audience laughs]
I get to page, like, four or five,
and then he says,
"Can you leave?"
[audience laughs]
"Absolutely.
Uh...
My apologies."
[audience laughs]
But you could tell he was
just like, "Yeah, I get it.
The little animal misses
its mommy or whatever,
but, uh, I'm exhausted,
so beat it."
[audience laughs]
Stephanie and I
were completely dead asleep
in the middle of the night
one time when Finn came in
and just wedged his little body
right between us.
Just got right in there.
And then in the darkness,
this little voice...
"I have two mommies?"
[audience laughs]
I said, "Yes, you have two mommies."
And he said,
"I don't want two mommies."
[audience laughs]
And I'm sitting there thinking, "Oh,
my gosh, this train has left the station."
[audience laughs]
And also, because it was dark,
I couldn't make eye contact
with Stephanie to be like,
"How are we gonna deal with this?"
[audience laughs]
But then a beat later, he said,
"I want three mommies."
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Phew."
[audience laughs]
That was close.
[audience laughs]
But also, I never imagined
it would be our young son
who would open up our marriage.
[audience laughs]
[applause]
But being a good parent,
I immediately got online.
[audience laughs]
Started a new profile.
[audience laughs]
Saying "Little boy
in search of third mommy."
[audience laughs]
"Recent photos only."
[audience laughs]
They're seven and a half now,
and it's starting to feel like
life is kind of normal again
because we're getting sleep
and we're going out and socializing.
We went to a movie premiere,
got home at 11:00. It was a big night.
[audience laughs]
And when we got home,
Stephanie immediately fell asleep.
And I was up with a stomachache,
and I just thought,
"Well, I'm not gonna bother her with this.
I'm sure it's nothing."
All of my medical issues
end up not being a big deal anyway, so...
[audience laughs]
Why would this be any different?
And then a couple of hours pass
and it just got worse and worse.
And I just, I turned to her
and I said, "Oh, my gosh,
I'm in so much pain
and my stomach's killing me."
And she was really groggy and said...
"Do you think it was
all the popcorn that you ate
at the premiere of the movie?"
And I said, "Mm, I do not."
[audience laughs]
"I've been eating popcorn
for almost 50 years now and, uh...
Not consistently, but almost,
and this is not popcorn pain."
[audience laughs]
And she said, "Well,
why don't you get up, get dressed,
and we'll go
to the emergency room
because I don't think
we should take any chances."
And I said,
"Well, I don't even know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."
And she said, You can't walk?
Well, then I'm calling 911."
And people of Brooklyn...
[audience laughs]
She called 911
and a gigantic fireman appeared
at our bedroom door.
This guy was over six feet tall,
had rubber boots on,
fireman pants,
muscles out to here,
suspenders, no shirt.
[audience laughs]
Meanwhile, I'm lying in bed
feeling so vulnerable
'cause I'm in terrible pain.
Plus, I'm in my nightgown and...
[audience laughs]
You think I wear a nightgown?
[audience laughs]
Me, your friend Tig,
you think I wear a nightgown?
[audience laughs]
You think I'm walking around
the house like...
[audience laughs]
"Who is it? Who is it?"
[audience laughs]
Because that's what you do
when you wear a nightgown.
You find out who it is.
[audience laughs]
I think the last time I wore a nightgown
was probably 1977.
[audience laughs]
Probably had a little Pooh Bear
on the front
scooping honey
out of a clay pot.
[audience laughs]
Fully polyester.
My mother would walk down the hall.
[inhales]
"Good night."
[audience laughs]
[imitates fire]
[audience laughs]
Where was the fireman that night?
[audience laughs]
I'll tell you where he was.
I bet he was in his little bed
that was in the shape of a fire truck.
[audience laughs]
Dreaming of one day
becoming a fireman.
Anyway...
[audience laughs]
So I'm in bed.
He comes over and he says,
"I want you to know,
I understand that
you're in a lot of pain
and that there is an ambulance
outside if you need it."
And I said, "Ah, I appreciate that.
I just, I don't know if I can walk.
I'm in so much pain."
And he said,
"That is not a problem."
[audience laughs]
And he scooped me up
in those big, strong arms.
And I was like,
"Ho-ho-ho, I could get used to this."
[audience laughs]
Bada bing, bada boom.
[audience laughs]
Right then, I thought,
"Oh, I get it now."
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
If you think you're shocked,
how do you think I felt?
[audience laughs]
That is not my typical type.
[audience laughs]
Oh, here's another curveball
I learned about myself that night.
Didn't know I was into this.
He had a mustache.
[audience laughs]
It wasn't just a mustache.
It was one of these.
[audience laughs]
Yes, please.
[audience laughs]
Don't. Don't judge me.
I feel like my demographic knows
better than most that you can fall for
and be attracted to anyone
at any point.
And it goes every which way.
[cheering and applause]
It's true.
And I really had no idea
that this was my type.
[audience laughs]
I always thought if I'm ever into a guy,
it's not gonna be that guy.
[audience laughs]
I always thought he'd be
a singer-songwriter.
[audience laughs]
A painter, a poet.
[audience laughs]
He'd have a slight build.
We'd share a wardrobe.
[audience laughs]
But not this guy.
But there I was, in his arms,
my body just dangling,
nightgown flowing in the wind.
[audience laughs]
He's carrying me down the hall.
And I said, "Listen,
when we pass these two doors,
I need you to do me a favor
and I need you to be extra quiet,
because if my sons wake up
and see this situation,
they are going to be so confused
on so many different levels."
But he was amazing about it.
You know how he is.
He is the best.
[audience laughs]
He starts tiptoeing
with me in his arms.
He carries me down the stairs.
And my father-in-law lives with us,
and he carried me past him.
And then Stephanie had the door
of the house open,
and he carried me past her.
And I was just like,
"Goodbye, old life."
[audience laughs]
We get out to the ambulance
and he gently places me on the gurney.
Kisses me on the forehead.
[audience laughs]
It was mutual.
[audience laughs]
He closes and locks the back door.
And then, wouldn't you know it...
[knocking]
"Oh, God.
Hey, uh, apparently,
my roommate is worried about me
and wants to join us
on the ride to the hospital."
[audience laughs]
"Thanks a lot, Stephanie."
[audience laughs]
Total buzzkill.
But as I suspected,
it ended up not being a big deal.
It was just internal bleeding.
[audience laughs]
And a couple of weeks later,
Stephanie and I are at a party.
I'm telling everyone in this group
about the hot, sexy fireman
that carried me out of the house
in the middle of the night.
I was like,
"Oh, my God, you should've seen it.
Just muscles, mustache, so sexy."
Stephanie overhears this, walks up,
and says, "I'm sorry."
She has a look of disgust on her face.
She's like,
"You thought that guy was hot?"
[audience laughs]
"Uh, yes, I did."
[audience laughs]
"And this is not a matter of opinion."
[audience laughs]
"This is a matter of fact."
And I don't know
if anyone here can relate,
but there is nothing more awkward
than finding out in a social situation
that you and your wife
have completely different taste in men.
[audience laughs]
The older I get, I'm noticing
I think I have trouble with my hearing.
I-I... Something's off.
I always misunderstand a word
or miss an entire chunk
of information altogether.
I'll give you a couple of examples.
Uh, I was working in Toronto,
and I checked in for my flight.
And the woman behind the counter said,
"Okay, you're all set.
You can go hang out now
in the Make Believe Lounge."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I said, "Oh, yeah?"
[audience laughs]
"Where is that?"
[audience laughs]
And she said,
"It's on the fourth floor."
I said, "Oh, is it, now?"
[audience laughs]
And she's just like,
"Mm-hmm, yeah."
And I said, "All right, well, uh,
I guess I'm gonna head up there now."
[audience laughs]
And the whole time,
she's just nodding her head.
"Yep. Okay."
I'm like, "Okay, here I go."
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
Okay, here's the thing.
I deal with these types of people
in these jobs on a near-daily basis,
and it's typically a very straightforward
exchange of information.
And with her, I thought,
"I've clearly stumbled
upon a little weirdo."
[audience laughs]
But I'll play.
But she never said,
"I'm just kidding."
So I thought, "Okay, I have to go see
what's going on on the fourth floor."
[audience laughs]
I press the elevator button,
go up, the doors open,
and there is a huge sign that says,
"Welcome to the Maple Leaf Lounge."
[audience laughs]
You know, Canada.
[audience laughs]
And I immediately cringe,
reflecting on the exchange
that I just had
where the woman clearly said
I could go hang out
in the Maple Leaf Lounge,
and I'm like, "Oh, yeah?"
[audience laughs]
"Where is that?"
[audience laughs]
"It's on the fourth floor."
"Okay. Is it, now?"
[audience laughs]
"Mm-hmm, yes."
"Okay, well, I guess
I'm gonna head up there now."
[audience laughs]
"Okay."
"All right, here I go."
[audience laughs]
[audience laughs]
I looked clinically insane.
[audience laughs]
Another example:
Uh, as I mentioned before,
Stephanie and I oftentimes work together,
and we had a meeting one afternoon
with Reese Witherspoon
and her producing partner,
and we were having a great time.
We were all sharing stories.
We're laughing so hard.
Just really a grand old time.
And then Reese started
talking about the TV show
that she worked on
called Big Little Lies.
And she said, "Uh, yeah, I was one
of the shortest cast members of the show.
I'm 5'2 ", Laura Dern is 5'10",
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
and Shailene is 5'8 "."
And I responded, saying,
"Oh, that's interesting
'cause years ago
I dated a woman
that was six feet tall,
and I think she was kind of
insecure about her height,
so she hunched."
[audience laughs]
So...
[audience laughs]
Now...
The vibe in the room tonight
is eerily similar to the vibe
in Reese Witherspoon's office that day.
[audience laughs]
And soon after,
we wrap up the meeting,
head out, shut the door,
and Stephanie turns to me and says,
"Um..."
[audience laughs]
"What were you talking about in there?"
[audience laughs]
And that was the moment
that I learned
that there is an actress
named Shailene.
[audience laughs]
I...
I had never heard of her.
[audience laughs]
Now, this is also
the moment in the show
where there's a pocket of people
that are like,
"Oh, that is funny."
[audience laughs]
And then there are other people
like, "What?
[audience laughs]
And then I see people
lean into each other
to be like, "Well, no, I think,"
to explain.
[audience laughs]
No need to explain.
That's why I'm-I'm here. I...
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
Let me tell you what I heard.
[audience laughs]
I heard that Reese Witherspoon is 5'2",
Laura Dern is 5'10",
Nicole Kidman is six feet...
and she leans 5'8".
[audience laughs]
That's why I said what I said.
[audience laughs]
I was sitting there looking at Reese,
her producing partner, Lauren,
and my own wife
staring back at me.
[audience laughs]
You could tell in their eyes they were
desperately trying to connect the dots.
[audience laughs]
To make what I had just said
makes sense.
[audience laughs]
And I feel like
I can read a room pretty well,
and I was truly sitting there
like, "What?"
[audience laughs]
I was also thinking,
"Oh, I'm sorry, Reese.
You can share
your boring height story."
[audience laughs]
"And then as soon as I share mine,
the entire room shuts down?"
[audience laughs]
I truly, in that moment,
I truly thought I was being
a really good conversationalist.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Oh, interesting.
Okay, so your friend is six feet
and she leans 5'8".
Boy, do I have a story for you."
[audience laughs]
So again, Reese Witherspoon is 5'2"...
[audience laughs]
Laura Dern is 5'10",
Nicole Kidman is six feet,
and Shailene is 5'8".
[audience laughs]
And I essentially just responded to that
with, "Oh, interesting.
Um, I used to date a woman
that hunched."
[audience laughs]
"Bye-bye."
[audience laughs]
"Nailed that meeting."
[audience laughs]
"We'll be in touch, Reese."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I have no connection to Nicole Kidman.
I don't... I mean, I've seen her,
you know, on TV shows and in film,
but if her friend is telling me
she's six feet and leans 5'8",
I'm not gonna push back.
[audience laughs]
And no matter how old you are,
you can always learn a new word
or a new phrase.
And I promise you, I thought
that's what was happening.
[audience laughs]
It's like,
"Oh, okay, six feet, leans five...
Is that what that's called? Hmm."
[audience laughs]
"I'll have to use that moving forward."
[audience laughs]
I really... I didn't know. I...
Yeah, I don't know Nicole.
I'm not connected.
The only slight connection
I have to Nicole Kidman is
I know that there are some people
who think I look like her ex-husband.
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
But...
[cheering and applause]
I have to say, whenever I do
the "she leans," it makes me feel cool.
[audience laughs]
Yeah.
[audience laughs]
My back used to be so bad
that if you caught me
a few years ago, I would
have been like, "She leans."
But my friend highly recommended
I go to his chiropractor in Los Angeles,
and I did, and she snapped, crackled,
and popped me back into shape.
And she said, "I do feel like this
is gonna hold you for a few months,
but you might be a candidate
for back surgery."
And so I'm lying there
and she's asking me,
you know,
what happened to my back.
And I said, "Oh, I was in a car accident,
a skiing accident, snowboarding accident."
I said, "We have these
two little roommates
that are in the 99th percentile.
Anytime I pick them up,
it snaps my back in two."
And she says, "Okay, well,
if you do go meet with surgeons,
just make sure
that you mention your accidents
and that you're a mother or whatever."
[audience laughs]
And she kept talking
and telling me the important information
to tell the surgeon,
but I was lying there thinking,
"A mother or, slap, slap, whatever."
I was...
[audience laughs]
What does that mean?
And so I didn't hear anything she said.
[audience laughs]
And my brain just started going
in all of these different directions.
And I'm just thinking,
"Does she think I'm a man?"
[audience laughs]
And then I thought, "Oh,
maybe she thinks I identify differently."
Uh, which, just so you know,
I just identify as a run-of-the-mill,
old-fashioned lesbian.
- And I...
- [cheering and applause]
I don't need a standing ovation. I...
[audience laughs]
We're all something,
and that's just what I am.
But I was like... [sighs]
And then I thought...
You know how you can hire
somebody to come in
to talk about sexual harassment
in the office?
[audience laughs]
I was really reaching here,
and I was thinking, "Oh, maybe
there's some company you can hire
that will come in."
And then I stopped myself.
I was like, there is no world
that there is a company
that comes in to say,
"Listen, if you find yourself
face to face with someone
or something that you can't identify,
say what you think they are,
and then just flap your hand
about an inch from the nose
and then say, 'Or whatever.'"
[audience laughs]
"And that's the all-inclusive part."
[audience laughs]
I was like,
"There's no possible way, Tig."
But I could tell that
she didn't have bad intentions,
um, which I think
is very important these days.
Probably has always been important,
but really important now.
And I feel like the way I could tell
that she didn't have bad intentions
was solely from that.
[audience laughs]
Honestly, when I drove home that day
when I was trying to solve this puzzle,
I had a moment where I was like,
"Well, at least she did flap her hand."
[audience laughs]
- [sighs]
- [audience laughs]
Because here's the thing,
is a person that...
I think that what happened was
she was looking at my face,
and I think her sentence
got ahead of her.
[audience laughs]
And she was just like, "So, you know,
just tell them about your accidents,
that you're a mother... Oh..."
[audience laughs]
"Oh, this face could be
many different things.
Flappity, flap, flap."
[audience laughs]
"Flap." You know, this is not...
This is...
This is panic.
This is not "I'm gonna try
and hurt your feelings."
This is "Oh, stop, rewind, flap it away."
[audience laughs]
I don't have the vocabulary,
but flappity, flap, flap."
[audience laughs]
I did, um...
I did end up having back surgery.
And wouldn't you know it,
there were complications.
I'll tell you what happened.
They cut my stomach open,
move my insides over,
bolt and fuse my spine,
move everything back over,
and then zip me up.
And I-I apologize.
I know that is a lot of medical jargon.
[audience laughs]
But it is what happened.
And my blood pressure dropped really low,
my insides shut down,
and they couldn't give me
the level of pain medication I needed
because my blood pressure
was so low,
so I was in so much pain,
started panicking.
Then they gave me Ativan
for the anxiety.
And we found out in that moment
that I'm allergic to Ativan,
and I started hallucinating like crazy.
And Stephanie said the moment
that she knew something was off
was when I was lying there
and I said, "Oh, boy."
[audience laughs]
"Here comes boss lady."
[audience laughs]
And she said, "First of all,
I know you would
never use the term 'boss lady.'"
[audience laughs]
"Second of all,
you don't have a boss lady."
[audience laughs]
"And third of all,
there is nobody there."
[audience laughs]
And I guess I had turned
and tried to shoo our family cat
off of the bedside table.
I was like, "Fluff, get down.
Get away from the vodka."
[audience laughs]
Wasn't a bottle of vodka sitting there.
Also, Fluff was not visiting me
that day in the hospital.
[audience laughs]
She had actually come the day before.
[audience laughs]
And before this moment, typically,
the doctors and nurses would always
beeline over to me,
and they would check my vitals.
And I look over and now they're
all standing around Stephanie,
and I'm thinking,
"Oh, my gosh, what's going on?"
I couldn't get a hold of my brain,
and I was like,
"What are they talking about?"
And then I heard Stephanie say,
"Yeah, she's been hallucinating
on every sentence."
[audience laughs]
And then I interrupted.
[audience laughs]
And said, "Pfft, every other."
[audience laughs]
Just trying to save face because I really
did not know what was happening.
I mean, truly had no clue,
and I've never done
hallucinogenic drug trips.
And that's probably obvious
just by that sentence.
[audience laughs]
The closest I've ever come
to that state of mind
is when I'm really tired
or somebody wakes me up
from my sleep, I'll say something
that doesn't make sense.
And I remember
when I was in seventh grade,
my friend was spending the night
and we were talking in the dark,
and she was sharing something
traumatic from her childhood.
And I woke up
because I heard myself yell,
"There's corn dogs in the freezer!"
[audience laughs]
And she said, "What?"
[audience laughs]
And then I had to make it make sense.
[audience laughs]
And I said, "Oh, um...
I just wanted to let you know
that if you do get hungry in the night,
we have corn dogs in our freezer."
[audience laughs]
"But anyway, go ahead.
I was listening."
[audience laughs]
And people of Brooklyn,
we were not a corn dogs
in the freezer kind of family.
[audience laughs]
So that was a close call.
[audience laughs]
But needless to say,
I was not in touch
with the outside world
during this stint.
And Stephanie looked over at one point
and I had my cell phone in my hand.
And she said, "What are you doing?"
[audience laughs]
And I said, "I'm texting Patrick."
[audience laughs]
And she said, "Let me see your phone."
And I said, "Why?"
And she said, "Give me your phone."
[audience laughs]
And if she hadn't
taken a screen grab,
I would never have believed
what I was about
to send to Patrick.
[audience laughs]
He simply asked,
"Hey, how's it going in there?"
And I responded, saying,
"Hey, Patrick. Yeah, things
have been getting worse to a towel."
[audience laughs]
And then in parentheses, I wrote,
"I see tractor!"
[audience laughs]
"Also, CHB."
[audience laughs]
And whenever I share this story,
inevitably, somebody asks,
"What? What is CHB?"
And my response is,
"What is getting worse to a towel?"
[audience laughs]
Why does nobody have any question
about the rest of the text message?
[audience laughs]
Everybody's just like,
"What the hell is CHB?"
[audience laughs]
Like, what? I don't know. It's...
I was out of my mind.
Make up whatever you want it to be.
[audience laughs]
But I love
that I had the wherewithal
to put parentheses
around "I see tractor!"
[audience laughs]
Because I can only assume
that I was mid-text
and then glanced over.
[audience laughs]
I was like, "Whoa."
[audience laughs]
"Okay, this has nothing to do
with the rest of my message,
but, uh, I do see tractor."
[audience laughs]
"Also, CHB."
[audience laughs]
And a couple of days
after I was discharged,
I had this vague recollection
of stopping texting Patrick
to Google "how to spell tractor."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
I know how to spell "tractor."
[audience laughs]
But I guess in that state of mind
I was just like,
"Okay, I can't just be
firing off misspelled texts."
[audience laughs]
"What will Patrick think of me?"
[audience laughs]
I ended up going
to physical therapy,
and I just, I want to make sure
that my physical therapist
is not here.
[audience laughs]
She has absolutely
zero sense of humor.
[audience laughs]
None.
None.
And Stephanie calls people like that
"people who talk to one another."
[audience laughs]
And we do that at home
all the time.
We'll be like,
"Good morning."
[audience laughs]
"Good morning."
[audience laughs]
"I've made breakfast."
"It looks delicious. Thank you."
"Well, I'd better be off to work."
"Have a wonderful day."
"I love you."
"I love you, too."
And that is people
who talk to one another.
[audience laughs]
- And... yeah.
- [applause]
Yes, it really does deserve
an applause break.
[audience laughs]
So here's the thing.
You can end up in weird positions
when you're in physical therapy,
and it's just nice to be able
to connect with somebody.
Not with her.
[audience laughs]
Okay?
She wanted me to do this exercise
that called for a very thick rubber band
around my thighs.
And, um, she said, "To put put
the rubber band on, you step into it.
It feels like you're putting on pants."
But you're not.
[audience laughs]
You're stepping into a rubber band.
And so I had moments
where I was like, "Oh, this is f...
Oh, sorry."
[audience laughs]
'Cause she's just all about
strengthening the back.
And which, of course,
that's why I'm there.
"I'm on your side.
I just, I feel silly, and I would..."
[audience laughs]
"Okay, nothing."
So I get the rubber band onto my thighs,
and she said, "There's not enough room
in my office for this exercise,
so please follow me out into the hallway."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
Again, nothing about it is silly to her.
So I'm waddling behind her.
[audience laughs]
And I said, "Oh, I feel so f..."
[audience laughs]
"Does everything
have to be a joke with you?"
[audience laughs]
"Kinda, yeah."
[audience laughs]
"I have a mortgage, so..."
[audience laughs]
We get out to the hall,
and this is a large building
in Los Angeles,
very high up.
I mean, maybe ten times
as long as this stage.
And she said, "I want you,
with the rubber band around your thighs,
get in this position,
and then do this
all the way down the hall
and then all the way back,
so forth and so on, okay?"
She... Nothing's funny
about this to her.
[audience laughs]
'Cause she's just a person
who talks to other people.
[audience laughs]
I'm just like, "Oh, my gosh.
I'm alone."
[audience laughs]
So I'm going back and forth.
And then here's an important bit
of information for you.
All of the walls are glass.
[audience laughs]
We've got doctors' offices, attorneys...
I'm...
[audience laughs]
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
[sing-song]
Scoot down...
I mean, I'm...
Look, I know I'm not
the most well-known person,
but people were recognizing me.
[audience laughs]
Okay? And I'm just like...
[audience laughs]
"God help me."
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
While I'm scooting down the hall,
I have this other realization
on top of everything,
where I'm like, "Oh. Oh, no."
[audience laughs]
"None of these people
waiting to see their doctors,
or their lawyers,
none of them know
that there's a physical therapy office
on this floor."
[audience laughs]
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
[sing-song] I'm scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down...
It's like, "What the hell is Tig doing?"
[audience laughs]
"I had the day off.
I'm checking on you."
[audience laughs]
You've got a big trial
in the morning, buddy."
[audience laughs]
[sing-song] Scooting down the hall
and I'm scooting down the hall.
Oh, my gosh,
that is a hit song, is it not?
[cheering and applause]
And speaking of hit songs,
you probably don't know this about me,
but I do love to sing
and play the piano.
And I was thinking, I actually
might do that for you tonight.
[cheering and applause]
Only if you want me to.
[cheering and applause]
Oh, look at that, perfect timing.
[cheering and applause]
So, um, I do. I...
I love to sing and play the piano.
Um, I...
I don't know how to do either.
[audience laughs]
- [playing off-key]
- [cheering and applause]
I do. I love...
You know, when I tell people
that I can't play the piano
and I have a terrible voice,
they assume, oh,
that I can't play anything.
It's the opposite.
[audience laughs]
I can play whatever I want.
- [playing off-key]
- [cheering and applause]
Thank you.
I'm probably one of very few pianists...
[audience laughs]
That's what we're called.
[audience laughs]
And if you're too immature
to deal with that word...
[plays off-key]
...then you're in the right place.
[audience laughs]
But I think I am one
of very few pianists that you'll see
that plays cross-legged.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
Sometimes I like to emulate,
like, a jazz pianist,
because I feel like it kind of helps me
sound better when I, like...
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
Jazz is just chaos,
and that's all this is, so...
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
I mean, it kind of sounds like something.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
Clap if you're a pianist tonight
and you think,
"Well, it does
kind of sound like something."
[cheering and applause]
Whoa!
Thank you.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
A lot of pianists here.
[audience laughs]
What about a pianist
that's thinking,
"Uh, actually,
it does not sound like anything."
- [applause]
- Get out!
[audience laughs]
Get out.
[audience laughs]
You can't take my joy.
[audience laughs]
I mean, come on, I...
Maybe I'll put out an album.
[audience laughs]
And just call it
"It Kind of Sounds Like Something."
[audience laughs]
[playing off-key]
[plays off-note]
[audience laughs]
That's universal for the song is over.
[cheering and applause]
I feel like I'm accidentally
getting good at the piano.
[audience laughs]
Um...
I was in Los Angeles
and I was at a party
that was just littered
with some of the most famous people
that you could ever imagine in your life,
and I'm certainly not
including myself on that list,
but on stage of this huge venue,
there was a grand piano,
a full drum set, guitars, microphones,
and, throughout the night,
different singers and musicians
would get on stage,
do a few songs, and then get down,
and then somebody else
would get up.
You would see people
like Bruno Mars, Ariana Grande,
Melissa Etheridge, uh, Anthony Kiedis...
so many different great, great performers.
And Adele was there.
And yeah, no matter how famous
anybody at this party was,
all anybody cared about was Adele.
[audience laughs]
And you'd just hear
the whole night, like,
[whispering]
"Oh, there's Adele.
Here she comes.
I think Adele is gonna sing next.
Oh, she's going over by the...
She's by the stage.
I think she's going on.
Here she comes.
It's Adele, Adele, Adele,
Adele, Adele, Adele."
And then she never sang.
[audience laughs]
And I turned to Stephanie
and I just said, "Pfft, I'll do it."
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
And Pink was finishing her final song.
[audience laughs]
And I walk up
to the front of the stage
and I said,
"Hey, I wanna sing a song next."
And she was so excited.
She knew I did comedy.
She didn't know I was a singer.
[audience laughs]
And she said,
"What song are you gonna sing?"
And I said, "I wanna sing
Adele's 'Hello.'"
[audience laughs]
She was so excited,
I thought her face
was gonna pop off of her head.
[audience laughs]
[chuckles]
You can't dial in an Adele song.
[audience laughs]
You know? So she's like,
"Oh, not only does she sing,
she's incredible."
[audience laughs]
And then I said,
"Here's the thing.
I don't really know
how the song goes."
[audience laughs]
"And so I was wondering
if you could do me a favor
and go over
to the side of the stage
and ask the DJ
to play Adele's 'Hello, '
and then I'll play and sing along
to the best of my ability."
[audience laughs]
And her face dropped
'cause she realized
what she was dealing with
in that moment.
[audience laughs]
But she did it.
Pink walks over, asks the DJ
to play Adele's "Hello."
And that is what I was thinking
I just might play for you tonight.
[cheering and applause]
I just need to warm up a little more.
Hold on.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
I actually...
You know what?
- [plays off-note]
- [audience laughs]
I feel like this is a good point
in the show to apologize.
[audience laughs]
Say a friend brought you tonight.
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry.
[audience laughs]
Or maybe you only know me
from my TV show One Mississippi
or my podcast Handsome, and...
[cheering and applause]
And you're like, "Oh, she does stand-up?
What's that like?"
[playing off-key]
It's like this.
[audience laughs]
I'm sorry.
[audience laughs]
I have to say, I have these moments
when I'm on stage...
[chuckles]
...where I, I really get in touch with
the fact that I am somebody's mother.
[audience laughs]
Or whatever, but...
[audience laughs]
You understand, I have to look
at these children in the face
and say, "I have to go to work now."
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
"No, it's important.
I'm running late. I must go."
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
I, um...
I close all of my shows
with Adele's "Hello."
[audience laughs]
And, um, I was in Honolulu,
and it's in my contract
that I have a piano on stage.
And I was backstage
and the promoter,
somebody came up to me
and he said, "Tig, I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened,
but you're supposed to have a piano."
And I said, "Yes, I...
I do need one."
[audience laughs]
And he said, um...
[sighs]
"I just looked at your contract
and I saw that you needed one.
And I'm so sorry.
I don't know how this happened.
We do have a piano.
It's just, um...
It's not tuned."
[audience laughs]
I said, "Oh, that's fine."
[audience laughs]
He said, "Really?"
And I said, "Yeah, yeah, absolutely.
It makes no difference whatsoever."
[audience laughs]
"Same show."
[audience laughs]
"In fact,
every other key could be missing."
[audience laughs]
"Same show."
[audience laughs]
[playing off-key]
So...
Actually, if anybody
has a specific song title
that they would like to request.
[audience shouting requests]
I love that everyone's, like, panicking,
like, trying to, like...
"We came here for the hits, Tig."
[audience laughs]
[audience shouting requests]
Any? What?
[audience shouting requests]
Listen to yourselves.
[audience laughs]
Just listen to yourselves.
[audience laughs]
[playing off-key]
What's that?
"Heart and Soul" by Huey Lewis?
[audience laughs]
No?
[audience laughs]
Well, I'm sorry. What is...
Who sings "Heart and Soul"?
Wait, why does it even matter?
I don't know how to play piano.
[audience laughs]
I can't even believe
I'm getting hung up on details here.
[audience laughs]
Sure, I'll play "Heart and Soul." I...
[audience member vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
You know what?
I refuse to be treated this way.
[audience laughs]
"It's this..." [vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
That feels like such a New York thing.
Like, I feel like...
[audience laughs]
Like at a dance rehearsal
or something.
Like, the teacher's like,
"You know, two, three, step it up."
[vocalizing]
[audience laughs]
Let's not forget that I don't...
Again, here's "Heart and Soul."
[vocalizing]
Here we go.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
[audience laughs]
That was the Huey Lewis version,
by the way.
[audience laughs]
[cheering and applause]
Okay, so before I do this,
the big finale...
The incredible Adele.
[audience cheers]
Such a talent.
And I just, it's so important
that you not forget
that I don't know
how to play the piano.
[audience laughs]
And I have a terrible voice.
[audience laughs]
And I know people are like,
"I know it's coming, I know it's coming.
I bet she's a great piano player
and I bet she sings like a bird."
[audience laughs]
That is not on the horizon.
[audience laughs]
[sighs]
This is the most crucial thing.
You cannot forget
for even a millisecond...
that Adele was at that party.
[audience laughs]
[exhales]
[audience laughs]
Hit it.
- [playing off-key]
- [audience laughs]
[singing off-key]
Hello from the other side
[cheering and applause]
[singing off-key]
At least I can say that I've tried
[audience laughs]
[singing off-key]
Tell you I'm sorry
Thank you so much, Brooklyn.
[cheering and applause]
Remember, Adele was there.
[cheering and applause continues]
And so was Oprah Winfrey.
[cheering and applause continues]
[playing off-key]
[cheering and applause continues]
People of Brooklyn,
thank you so, so much.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you so much for coming out.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you.
[cheering and applause continues]
Thank you. What a great audience.
Thank you so much.
[cheering and applause continues]
["Chopsticks" plays on piano]
[cheering and applause continues]
["Chopsticks" continues]
[cheering and applause]
[cheering and applause continues]