Till Death Us Do Part (1968) Movie Script

21 years after defeat
in the great war to end wars
Germany parades her military strength.
Today's German war machine presents
an awe-inspiring spectacle.
Manpower in the millions.
Thousands of aeroplanes,
guns and tanks.
The last word in scientific
skill and destructive power.
They're all cardboard they are.
All bloody cardboard, ain't they?
Oh, blimey.
He don't think he's gonna
frighten anybody with them, do he?
He's probably got blokes
inside peddling 'em.
Never mind about shush,
I'm just saying, en' I?
I mean, it's your propaganda, ennit?
It's your bloody Goebbels.
Trying to kid everyone they got army.
They look real to me.
Anything can look real
on a film, can't it?
It's your propaganda I
tell ya, bloody Goebbels.
I mean, he's famous for
his propaganda en' he?
I mean, he's the one who reckons
your Germans are a super race.
Super race?
He's a bloody cripple
his-self for a start off.
Crap super race.
Oh blimey, look at 'em.
Load of bloody squareheads.
Get off!
Of a parliamentary
system as it is today.
Fascism and fascism alone
stands for the revolutionary
change in that system.
Fascism alone is determined
to modernise and rationalise civilization.
As I was saying,
we give 'em bloody super race
last time, didn't we, eh?
They get the bloody same they start again
and your bloody itai, Musso.
I mean, he's alright having a go
at a bunch of ignorant
bloody wogs out in Abyssinia
but he starts on us mate
and he'll find out he's up against
more than a few bloody spears, I tell ya!
They won't start a war with us.
Too bloody scared too.
Another thing, all that
talk about us being unarmed.
Bloody rubbish, that is.
I mean, what does bloody Churchill know?
He's out in the wilderness, en' he?
Chamberlain's your Prime Minister.
He's the one what knows.
Course we're armed.
Armed to the bloody teeth, we are.
Rag and bone
Any old lumber?
Any old rags, bottles and bones?
Bring out your lumber.
Any old rags, bottles and bones?
Any old lumber?
British lion might be asleep
but he ain't bloody dead mate.
They pull his tail and he'll turn round
and bite their bleedin' head off.
Get off out of it.
What the bloody hell's this then?
It come today.
It's your gas mask and your shelter.
What do I want that for then?
Go on, hop it, go and
play in your own street.
That you, Bert?
Yeah, cor god.
Blimey, you sound happy.
Been in and out
of 'ere all day, en' I?
On the booze last night, was ya?
Yeah, I had a drop.
I don't think it's that, though.
Never done it before, not the beer ain't.
Ahh, it's probably a bug innit?
It could be, I suppose.
Get a lot of 'em round here, ya know?
They come off the boats you see.
It's your bloody coloureds
that bring them in.
Looks a bit black dunnit?
Threatened to go in to Poland, en' he?
What, Hitler?
He won't, we told him
he mustn't and he won't.
Dunno, I don't like
the look of it me-self.
I mean, don't suppose he's
got any planes for a start off.
Dunno, he's got the planes alright.
Yeah, well he might have, he might have
but has he got the
strategical raw materials?
You what?
The petrol!
I should think so.
He seems to have most things, dun' he?
Soon cut his supplies off, can't we?
I mean, look,
he ain't got enough
petrol of his own, has he?
I mean, ain't got no bloody
oil wells in Germany, has he?
He's gotta go abroad for it, en' he?
Right, all we gotta do then, blockade him.
Bung the navy on his doorstep.
That'll soon 'em up.
Same as we done in the last lot.
Cut him off.
Yeah, for now.
Don't know how long for though.
See ya, Alf.
Do you want a cup of tea?
Course I do.
Silly moo.
interrupt this programme
to remind you that the Prime Minister
will broadcast to the nation at 11.00 a.m.
on this wavelength.
Ooh, ooh.
The blessing
of God almighty be with you
and remain with you, now and always.
You have been listening to Songs of Praise
brought to you by the BBC
singers from our studio.
There will now be a short
interlude of piano music.
What you got this door locked for?
I'm having a bath en' I?
Well, there's only me in the house
and I've seen you without your clothes on.
It's nothing to do with that.
I am entitled to a bit of privacy, en' I?
Yes, well, I want to get out the back.
Well, you'll have to
wait my dear, won't you?
I can't wait.
Bloody woman.
Look, every time I get in the bath
you wanna go out the back.
Hurry up, I'm bursting.
It ain't bloody fair.
Don't shut the door, will ya?
Bleedin' moo.
Oh god, no.
This is the BBC.
Here is the Prime Minister,
the right honourable Neville Chamberlain.
I am speaking to you
from the cabinet room
of 10 Downing Street.
This morning, the British
Ambassador in Berlin
handed the German government a final note
stating that unless we heard
from them by 11 o'clock
that they were prepared, at once,
to withdraw their troops from Poland
a state of war would exist between us.
I have to tell you now,
that no such undertaking has been received
and that consequently this
country is at war with Germany.
Come on!
You was wrong, wasn't you?
About not going to be a war, wasn't you?
Look, I said he wouldn't
start nothing with us.
That's what I said.
And he ain't has he because
it's us what started on him.
Bloody well serves him right, too.
'Cause he's been asking
for it for a long time.
And now he's gonna get it!
I bet old Adolf's shakin' in
his bloody shoes right now.
About that thing, I
wondered what the hell it was.
Didn't you?
Nothin' up there, is there?
Except a few clouds.
False alarm, en' it?
False alarm, Grandad!
somebody must've panicked.
You coming up the pub then, Alf?
Right panic, en' it?
You goin' to the pub
like that then?
Please stand by
for the important government announcement
which will follow almost immediately.
Cor blimey, it'll be
all over soon enough.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Be all over soon, Fred.
I bloody hope so.
We're gonna hang out the
washin' on the Siegfried line
Have you any dirty
washin' Mother dear?
We're gonna hang out the
washin' on the Siegfried line
Hey, Alf?
You playing bloody darts
or having a sing-song?
Just buying a drink.
This is the
BBC Home and Forces programme.
Here is the Prime Minister,
the right honourable Neville Chamberlain.
I'm not now going to make
any comment upon the debate
in the House of Commons
which took place on
Tuesday and Wednesday last.
By the afternoon of today,
it was apparent that essential
unity could be secured
under another Prime Minister,
though not under myself.
In those circumstances, my duty was plain.
I sought an audience of
the King this evening
and tendered to him my resignation
which His Majesty has
been pleased to accept.
His Majesty has now entrusted,
to my friend and colleague,
Mr Winston Churchill
the task of forming a new
administration on a national basis
and in this task, I have no
doubt, he will be successful.
It'll be all over soon
now, it'll be all over soon.
Now we got someone a bit decent up there.
Get a bit of bloody action now, hey?
Ain't we?
There is no cause for alarm, is there?
I mean, it's strategical, en' it?
See, strategical withdrawal,
that's the way I see it.
See, what he's done,
what Winston has done
is pulled us all back here
to our own island fortress.
I mean, froggies have
let us down ain't they?
- Same as last time.
- Yeah.
Course, they turned it in, ain't they?
Course, well they can't fight.
- No.
- No.
Never could bleedin' fight.
So, what he's done see,
what your Churchill has done,
in his infinite wisdom
is brought us all back
here so we can stand
shoulder to shoulder, together,
and know that your left flank
will not let your right flank down.
And let him,
let your Gerry set one foot
in that English Channel
and we'll blast him out of it.
Because we've got a Navy,
Grandad, and he ain't.
And your Navy.
His Majesty the King's Royal Navy
are sitting out there in the Channel.
Our bleedin' Channel!
Waiting for him and hopin',
hopin' he'll try and come across.
Just hopin' he will.
They'll have 'im.
They'll have 'im for this.
You mark my...
Who will?
Your League of Nations, that's who.
Bombing innocent civilians.
And women and children.
Bloody swine!
Cowardly bloody swines!
Come down 'ere and fight like
men, come on, come down 'ere!
Women and children.
Oh God, not again?
That's five times tonight.
Don't them bloody Germans ever sleep?
Oi, come on!
I'm not going down that
shelter no more tonight.
Look, come on, come on, it's overhead!
I don't care where it is.
If I'm gonna die, I'll die in me bed,
not going down that
shelter no more tonight.
Look, you silly moo.
Alf, where are you?
I'm 'ere.
I'm under the bed.
You alright?
I've not the bleedin'
piss pot over now, en' I?
Home to your wives, let
us take the other one up.
Right then, let's be havin' you.
On the double, come on
lads, move yourselves.
Get your fingers out.
Move yourselves!
Right, give a one, two, three, four, move.
Come on, move.
Get a move on with those
magazine boxes, can't you?
Come on, don't be
stingy, put some more on.
Get out the bloomin' way.
Bob, alright?
Got a packet for me, have ya?
Yeah I know, but, regular en' I?
Sorry mate, no fags and no baccy.
Won't always be a
bloody war on, you know?
Here you are beautiful,
have that for your supper.
Ooh, thank you.
Bloody, greedy pigs.
No bloody butter and coloured bread.
Here's your tea.
Spam again?
Well, it's all he had up the shop.
Oh, I dunno.
The bombs don't kill us
we're gonna starve to
death with this crap.
Well, it's not my fault.
It's the rationing.
Fat load of rations they've got out there
in that bloody gun.
Well, they're fighting.
They've been out there for months,
they ain't shot one bloody plane down yet!
Well, give 'em a chance.
They're only lads.
I'll give 'em a chance.
Look, all they're doing, my dear
is giving away our position to the enemy.
Ooh err.
Soppy bloody Sergeant of theirs.
And how he ever got three stripes.
He must've done a lot of
bloody crawling to get there
and that's all I can say.
- Enough of that language!
It makes you bloody mad, it do.
Just because he wouldn't let you
buy any of their fag rations.
Got nothin' to do with that!
I bet her in number
18's not short of fags.
I'll bet she gets her share, alright.
Because you're not gonna tell me
it's only tea that bloody Sergeant gets
when he goes in there.
Bloody disgusting, it is.
Your mind.
He's a mate of her husband.
Yeah, fine bloody mate he is.
Knockin' his wife off while
he's out fighting in the desert.
There is nothing going on there at all.
Nothing going on?
Get off out of it.
Bloody soldiers, they're all the same.
Glad I ain't got a daughter.
I'd lock her up if I had.
I'll make a pie out of this tomorrow.
I bet she will an' all.
Oh god, en' it marvellous.
No bloody tobac.
Got any fags, dear?
No, I ain't.
You're not having any of those.
I swapped you my meat and bacon ration
for your sweet coupons and
I'll eat them all myself.
Ooh, I just remembered.
A letter come for you this morning.
And why didn't you tell me?
Well, I forgot didn't I?
Give us that 'ere.
'ere, looks important doesn't it.
On His Majesty's service, it says.
You haven't been writing to him, have you?
His Majesty?
Don't talk daft.
I sent him a birthday card.
On his birthday, of course.
Perhaps he sent you one?
It's not my birthday, is it?
Silly moo.
Well, open it, see what he wants.
What's he say?
It must be a mistake, this.
Well, what's he say?
A call-up.
Call-up papers for the army.
They can't...
Can't call me up.
They're not allowed to.
You've gone all white.
Well I'm reserved, en' I?
I'm reserved occupation, en' I?
I thought you wanted to go and fight?
Yeah, well so I would.
I would like to be out there.
But I'm, I'm more important here, en' I?
Same as Churchill.
I don't see how that's so important.
You'd bloody well like
to see me go, wouldn't you?
Well, anyway, you'll be able to eat
and smoke to your hearts content then,
like them out there.
I'm going up the pub!
Got any fags in yet, Fred?
Er, sorry, can't seem to get hold of 'em
for love nor money.
I've had an order in for weeks now.
Here, I tell you what though.
Got some scotch in.
Oh yeah, well, I'll have a drop of that.
Johnnie Walker.
Yeah well, make it a big one, will ya?
Ta, cheers.
That'll be two and eight pence.
You don't mind waiting
till Friday, do you Fred?
Er, I'm sorry Alf.
No credit, mate.
Oh well, I mean.
You know me, Fred.
You'll get your money.
I'm sorry, Alf.
I can't afford to give credit.
I mean, with all these air raids
who knows if you're gonna be here Friday?
I mean, they caught a Paki
round the corner last night.
I'm losing custom all the time, I am,
through these air raids.
I lost 20 of my regulars
in the past few months.
I mean, it's bad enough losing customers
but losing 'em when they owe ya money.
No, I just can't take the risk.
Sorry mate.
Rotten sod.
'Ere, I tell you what.
Come in Friday, if you're still with us.
Provided you are, mate.
Provided you are!
Two large scotch, please?
Oh, move yourself.
Come on, move yourself!
Bloody Germans.
Why they gotta come out
on a night like this?
They're only supposed to
come out on clear nights.
I don't see why we
gotta come all this way up here?
Look, it's safer up here innit.
I mean, your tube is underneath
the ground level innit?
I mean, bloody government.
They ain't sleeping in no
Anderson shelters, are they?
Bloody hundreds of foot
down they are, mate.
And they started the
bloody war, didn't they?
Oi, oi, oi, watch where
you're treading mate.
Oh, I'm terribly sorry but
I'm trying to get through.
No need to go trampling
all over people, is there?
I'm terribly sorry but
it is rather difficult.
All you gotta do is use
your bloody eyes, mate.
Well, I am sorry.
Look, you didn't oughta
be down here anyway, did ya?
You oughta be up there, mate.
That's where you oughta be.
In your bloody aeroplane.
Well, never mind about shush.
I mean, if he was up
there doing his job proper
we wouldn't have to be
down here, would we?
Yes, well, I really am very sorry.
Pig, you are.
At least in the old days
your officers was gentlemen,
weren't they?
I mean, nowadays any
little toffee nosed twit
can put his pips up.
Do we have to listen to
that bloody row all night?
I like it, it's jolly.
Better than sittin' at home
with just you for company.
Look I don't mind a sing-song, do I?
A good old British song.
I mean that's a Gerry song, innit?
She was whore, she was.
Lili Marlene.
Bloody prostitute, used to,
used to give herself to soldiers, she did.
And you oughta be ashamed of yourself
singing a bloody song like that.
Ought to be ashamed of
yourselves, the lot of ya!
Shut up!
You ought to be ashamed of yourselves
singing a disgusting song.
You shut up an' all, mate.
Listen, it's a public place 'ere, innit?
And all that stuff is a bloody
obscene song that, innit?
- Evening.
- Evening.
Lovely evening now, innit?
I thought you was being
called up, Mr Garnett?
No, no.
Oh, I thought I heard
something about it.
No, it was a mistake.
Reserved occupation, en' I?
Wanted to go, you know?
Pleaded with 'em, they wouldn't have it.
Worried the wife a bit, you know?
Oh yeah.
She was crying, she was.
I said look dear, I said,
I don't want to, do I?
Oh, course not.
Those other fellas
have gone, ain't they?
It's my duty to go.
Bloody swine.
Silent night
Holy night
All is calm
All is bright
I was right then.
I seen the doctor this morning.
He says I am.
I told you it wasn't a
stomach upset, didn't I?
But, how though?
I don't know, do I?
But it is, he told me.
I seen him this morning.
Who, Doctor Kelly?
Blood red-faced mick, what does he know?
He told me I had mumps, it wasn't.
Nor is this.
This ain't mumps either.
Well, I can't think when.
Nor can I.
Glory streams from Heaven above
Heavenly hosts sing Hallelujah
Christ the saviour is born
Christ the saviour is born
Soon be over now, Alf.
Soon be over now, Bert.
Always tell when the war's nearly over.
Your bloody yankees come in.
They've been fighting
for two years now, Alf.
Be fair.
About as good as your bloody
french they are, no better.
Blimey, they got no taste for it neither.
Here, do you know what they
done in the last lot hey?
Your froggies.
During the First World War.
Only wanted to charge our lads
rent for the bloody trenches.
That's all.
That's your bloody French for ya, mate.
I reckon it'll soon be started now, Alf.
Second front.
Invasion of France.
Oi-oi, oi, shouldn't be
talking about that, Bert.
Careless talk costs lives, you know?
Oh, I'm only saying to to you.
Not the point, is it?
Not the point.
Walls have ears.
Mind you, I think you're right.
I think it will be starting soon.
We'll be on our way back
to France soon, my old son.
I bet old Gerry wishes he'd never
bloody well started it now.
Here look, another 1000 bomber
raid last night weren't it?
Yes, four they've had this week.
The point is this, Bert.
Can they take it?
Can they take it the way that we took it?
I very much doubt it.
I very much doubt it, my old son.
How is she?
Is she alright?
She's fine, Mr Garnett.
It's a baby girl.
Cor blimey.
What happened?
Oh, it's the blackout.
There's steps, you know, and I tripped.
Drunk I suppose?
I wasn't drunk.
I had a few.
Had a few?
I told you the drink
would do you more harm
than the doodlebugs.
I don't know what you want a house for.
You spend so much time in the pub.
Want to see your daughter?
Ugly, innit?
What do you expect?
You're no beauty yourself.
You're lovely.
Lovely, you're lovely.
Yeah, now poo at him.
Shush shush shush.
Can't you shut that bloody thing up?
If I knew how to shut
her up I would, wouldn't I?
Bloody noise.
How do I get to sleep with that noise.
Be quiet.
She's got wind.
It's always got wind, innit?
Aint stop crying since you
brought it home, it ain't.
No wonder she's crying
when you're bellowing.
She knows you don't love
her, that's why she's crying.
Poor mite.
It's got nothing to do with that.
Nothing to do with not loving her.
I love her.
Course I love her.
Only I'd love her a bloody sight
more if you kept her quiet.
Never mind, never mind.
Nasty daddy.
Nasty, ugly daddy.
Shut up.
Yes, I know.
Yes, you swine.
Look, it's got nothing to
do with her, is it, it's you.
There must be something wrong with her,
she keeps crying like that.
It's you, you don't know how
to look after her properly.
That's the trouble.
You look after her then.
Oi, here, come here.
Come, look,
come back here.
It's alright innit, hey?
Now, don't cry.
Daddy's little girl, innit?
Daddy's little Rit.
Loves her little daddy, don't ya?
Shut up.
Leave her alone.
I haven't touched her.
She's been quiet all
day until you come home
and have to go and poke
your ugly face in at her.
Oi, what about the milk then?
There's none left.
None left?
What you talking about?
What about my tea then?
You'll have to drink
it without, won't you?
Milk's ration, don't forget.
We get extra with her though.
Yes, I know.
It's hers and she drinks it.
Blimey, innit marvellous hey?
Come home after hard days work,
gotta drink tea with no milk in it.
Well, I can't help it.
It's not my fault.
Shut up.
What have you done to her now?
Nothing, never touched her.
She's always bloody
well crying, ain't she?
You greedy pig.
It's only a drop, innit?
I mean, it's hardly
coloured it has it, look?
Robbing your own child.
Yeah, well, it's only a drop innit?
One bomb, oh blimey.
That's the japs for you, innit eh?
One titchy little bomb
and they've packed it in.
Come out with their hands up, ain't they?
That's typical, typical
of ya yellows innit?
See, no moral fibre my dear.
Not the same calibre as us, are they?
I mean, look at how we took it?
Here, wait for me, look.
Shut up at the bloody crowd.
Hang on a minute, sonny.
Look, look, look, enough of all that row.
Look, I'll give you a song.
I'll give you a song.
Shut up a minute, will ya?
Shut up, I'm gonna give you a song, en' I?
Goodbye to them all.
Here, it's all over now innit?
All over now.
Drunken pig.
This is
your Labour party
candidate for Downing, Gilbert Smith.
I've asked you to vote Labour
to make sure that on March 31st
our Labour government is returned again
but this time with a large majority.
Now, don't forget, vote Labour.
Vote Gilbert-Smith.
Look, I'm telling you,
you can take that bloody poster down.
I am not having Harold bloody
Wilson stuck in my window.
It's my poster.
And it's my bloody window
and that poster's coming out of it.
Now then.
Stick your window.
I shouldn't think Harold Wilson
would want to be stuck
in your window anyway.
Well, it don't bloody well
matter what he wants, does it?
'Cause he ain't gonna
be stuck in it, is he?
So there.
Typical Tory attitude, Dad.
- Oh yeah?
- Yeah.
I thought we're all supposed to be
democratic in this country?
Yeah, never mind
Look, lemme ask you a question?
Would your Harold, would
your darlin' Harold Wilson
let me put a Tory party
poster in his bloody window?
No, course he bloody well wouldn't.
I don't see why we
have to have any posters
stuck in the window.
It gets so dark in here with posters
stuck all over the window.
Oh shut up, you silly moo.
Just because you vote Tory,
everybody else in the house should.
Oh yeah.
Well, look, you never thought
of voting Labour did ya?
Not till you took up with that
bloody soppy boyfriend of yourn.
Now, now.
Ooh, that annoys you, dunnit?
That gets right up your nose, dunnit, eh?
Oh no, it don't.
It's got nothing to do with
what sort of a person he is, has it?
It's just because he happens
to be a socialist, that's all.
It's got nothing to do with that, look...
If it was some little
Tory twit I was gonna marry,
you wouldn't care.
It's got nothing to do...
That's all you've got against him
because he happens to
be cleverer than you.
Cleverer than me?
Yeah, well, he is.
Belt up.
Because he knows that the only party
that's ever gonna do
anything for people like us
is the Labour Party.
- The Labour Party?
- Yeah.
Oh blimey, the Labour Party.
Get off out of it.
What does Harold Wilson know
about running this bloody country?
Well, I'd sooner Wilson
running the country
than that soppy grammar
school twit, Heath.
Well, you've only got to look around you.
I mean, look how we have to live?
Two up, two down and an outside toilet.
We haven't even got a proper bathroom.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
Bit kind, thank you.
We've done our best for you, Rita.
Thank you, Else.
I'm not saying you haven't Mum.
Thank you very much.
I don't see you've got
any cause for complaint.
This house may not be much
but I've kept it clean.
I've worked hard, I have.
As He is my witness, I have.
To keep a roof over your head.
Over Mummy's head.
I've slogged my bleedin' guts out I have.
Well, that's what I'm saying
and what have you got to show for it?
Well, I've got house en' I?
I've got house of me own.
It's more than that bleedin'
long-haired boyfriend
of yours has got.
Look at him.
Grinning bloody monkey.
Look, if he's not welcome here...
No-one's saying he's not welcome.
No, your Dad didn't say that.
Didn't say he weren't not welcome.
Just you don't start
anything, that's all.
Well, you just tell him to
keep his trap shut, that's all.
Here ya go.
Don't even get a kiss then?
Good evening.
Well, er, what's the matter then?
Dad took my poster out the window.
'Cause I don't want your
bleedin' Harold Wilson
in my house, that's why.
Michael, would you like a cup of tea?
Oh yeah, ta.
That'd be the gear.
At least it'll take the taste
of that soap factory out of my mouth.
I'm not kidding, it's murder
walking past that place.
You know what I reckon the first thing
the Labour party ought to do?
Knock all this area down.
Well, cor blimey, it's worse
than Liverpool round here.
Oi, oi.
Your Labour Party will
have to get permission
from some of the property
owners around here
before they start knocking anything down
because for your information,
Little Lord Fauntleroy,
not all of the owners
of property round here
happen to be members of your party.
I don't understand you, you know.
A working man voting Tory.
He's been conned.
Look, it's a free-country innit?
Believe in what I wanna believe in.
Oh, it's a free-country is it?
Then why can't she have her
poster in the window then, eh?
Because it might be
a free-country outside
but in here it's not.
See, because this house
happens to be my property
and I decide what goes
in my own bloody windows.
Sieg heil.
I suppose you think you're
bloody funny, don't ya?
Listen, I fought,
I fought for the right to decide
what goes on in my own house, sonny.
I fought hard, I did.
Fought where?
Never you mind.
I fought.
Oh MI5, eh?
Oh yeah, that's it,
see a typical, typical...
If I didn't care then
I'd tell you something.
Your medals are showing.
Look, are you coming in or aren't you?
Oh, it's early.
It's not half past 11 yet.
That's not the point, is it?
I gotta go to work tomorrow, en' I?
And I want some bloody sleep.
Look, get off of her you randy scouse git.
Look, a register office wedding
is not a proper wedding, is it?
What you talking about,
not a proper wedding?
It's not proper to Him, is it?
I mean, it's not a wedding in His eyes.
Who's eyes?
His eyes.
Your God's eyes.
Oh, cor blimey, you
and your Almighty God.
I only hope he can hear you.
Oh get off, of course he can't hear me.
Look, he hears all and
he sees all, don't he?
Sees all?
Yes mate, he sees all
because the good Lord
is everywhere, en' he?
Yes mate, everywhere?
What he's in bloody Wapping?
Yes he is in bloody Wapping.
Is he in this street?
Yes, I told you he's everywhere.
Is he in this pub?
Yes, yes.
Which bar is he in?
Saloon or public?
Got him.
Oh look,
you moan because we wasn't
getting married in a church
and now we are getting married
in a church
you're still moaning.
Because it's a bloody Roman church.
Look, you wanna get married in a church
you get married in her church.
In Her Majesty the Queen's church.
Look Dad, we're doing it for Mike's Mum,
she's a very devout Roman Catholic.
Very religious, you're not.
Who ain't religious?
I'm as religious as anybody else is.
I've been to church.
Mike's Mum goes every Sunday.
Look, I said I was religious.
Didn't say I was a
bloody religious maniac.
Dad, we're getting married
in a Roman Catholic church
whether you like it or not, so there.
Alright, alright then.
Get married in a catholic church
and you an' all.
And I ain't coming to your
bloody wedding, so there.
- Else, it's Maud.
- I've got my Bert, here.
Come on in duck, we missed ya.
I'm fine, my Bert's there, see.
How nice to see ya.
Glad, I like your frock.
It's nice, it's ever so nice.
Woohoo, Rita.
- Hello Maud.
Mum's in there, go in the
kitchen and get a drink.
Oh, thanks dear.
Alright dear, yeah.
Oh, it's my sister, Maud.
Here, this is Mike's mum this is.
- Oh, how do you do?
- How do?
I believe you come from Liverpool?
- Why yes, that's right.
- Oh.
I come from Southend, myself.
It's by the sea, you know?
Yes, near the castle.
Here are Mum, here's ya drink.
Can I get you a drink love?
Not thank you, I never touch it.
How about you, whack?
And he doesn't either,
I'm happy to say.
In the, in the old days.
Yeah, in the old days.
There was only the one church
in the whole of the universe
and that was God's church,
the catholic church.
- No, don't...
All the rest is break
aways, just break aways.
Don't try teaching me.
I know...
Listen, listen, if you
shut up for a minute.
You might learn something
I, I don't have you to
tell me, do I? Get off out.
No wait, wait until I
tell you now and you'll see.
Take your church, your
own Church of England.
Cor alright.
That belonged to the Pope for years
and still would if it hadn't
been for your King Henry
who wanted more wives than
the Pope would allow him.
You see, the catholic
church says one wife only.
That's all you need, that's
all you're supposed to have.
That's all I bloody need, mate.
But your King Henry is
terrible and martyred man.
Who says?
And a bad catholic as well.
What are you talking about?
The Pope, his holiness,
he excommunicated him.
Oh yeah.
And Henry, you see, he
formed his own church you see.
Which was his church not God's church.
Here, that's according
to your Pope, yeah.
He's a bloody itai en' he?
According to our queen,
Her Majesty the Queen of England,
there's another one.
I have no allegiance to her.
The only allegiance I
have is to me own country.
Oh yeah.
The land of me birth.
Oh yeah, you should bloody
well go back there then mate.
I'll buy you the ticket.
I've said
nothing against the girl.
But you did Mam, you bloody well did.
You said that you wished
that I hadn't married her.
- I did not say that, Michael.
- Yes you did.
I did not.
You, you did.
I said that
I'd wished you'd waited
and married someone
of your own faith.
Oh, well that's nice
isn't it?
Thank you.
There's plenty of nice
catholic girls about.
You didn't have to go outside
your own faith to marry.
Shut it.
Listen, listen, it was your Tory's
caused all the trouble in Ireland.
They're a billion and
when Ireland rises again...
Get out.
Hear that?
Rises again?
What are you bloody talking about?
It's the revolution?
That was the one of the
blunders of history, that was.
Weren't it, eh?
No, no, no, what?
With a bunch of uneducated micks
up against the cream of
the British Army.
Uneducated micks?
They seem to have hit it off.
They behave like a
bunch of bleeding savages
and bite the hand that's feeding 'em.
Ireland a land of savages?
Here, come on, come on.
Put up your hands, come on.
I'm not frightened of you.
No, don't hold me back.
I'm not frightened of you, mate.
I'm not...
Stop it.
Don't hold me back
now, don't hold me back.
I'm not frightened of you.
- He's a liar now.
- Knock it off, Dad.
Let me at him, let me at him.
I'm not frightened of you.
I'll kill him, I'll kill him so I will.
If he wasn't my daughter's father-in-law
I'd bloody well kill him.
I was saying that I said
there wouldn't be enough.
Of course you did.
Didn't I?
I heard you me-self.
I thought I said...
That's your lot, Alf.
I said that wouldn't be enough.
Said it to him, didn't I?
To Her Majesty the Queen.
Thanks very much, pal.
May she never know the
harsh cold of an empty purse.
And to His Majesty the Pope.
Maybe his hot water bottle
never burst in his bed.
Alright then paddy, give us a song.
Give us a song.
Get, oops, upsy daisy.
God shamed the shuddering
parts of Ireland.
That's it mate,
sing it out.
Three quarters of
a nation once again
if those beautiful golden treasures
Was here in reality
Eh, you'll be alright
tonight our kid.
Oi, oi, just a minute.
That is my daughter you're referring to.
- Well he married her.
- Shush.
What do you think
he married her for?
If it isn't giving her...
Dirty minded little scouse git.
Get off me, get off!
As I did when you took my name
If your lips still holds me
In a beautiful golden frame
Do you want, do you want a drink love?
No thanks, I'm alright.
Good, here, some of, some of,
some of this lot here they think you
just come down out of trees, you know?
Here, I don't mind ya at all, you know?
Watch it, it comes off.
You're havin'
me on ain't you, eh?
Here this?
The coon's got a sense
of humour, ain't she, eh?
she was havin' me on there, weren't she?
Here, the coon's got a sense
of humour ain't she, eh?
The coon's got a sense
of humour, ain't she?
Oh, my darling.
Oh, Mum.
He's ruined, he's ruined my wedding.
He ruined mine, too.
What are they doing in there?
I don't know, do I?
Don't be daft.
En-ger-land, happy a man.
Oi, come on, leave her alone.
She's insatiable.
We gotta get off, ain't we?
Come on.
Bit early, innit?
Well, oh no, there'll be
crowds there, won't there?
Come on Charlie Savoy's get going.
Eng, get off of me.
What's the matter with ya?
Alright, God Save our...
Show a bit of respect.
- Gracious Queen.
- Shut up saying that.
Hit it, hit it.
Hey, who done that?
It's them, weren't it?
Bloody kids.
I'm always telling 'em about it.
It weren't us, it was bloody four-eyes.
Get on out of it.
Leave it out.
Alright missus.
Yeah, the kids.
I'll fix you,
you little bleeder.
I know who you are.
You wait till I get hold of you.
I'll wring your bloody neck.
Alright then, Fred?
Come on, give us
a couple of quick pints?
Morning, Alf.
Off to Wembley, again?
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
Well, it should be a close game.
Those Germans will take a bit of beating.
Oh blimey.
We've beat 'em twice already, ain't we?
Two bleedin' wars, mate.
This is a game of football
this is, you know.
They're our allies now.
They're gonna meet your mate,
the Queen.
I heard her brother-in-law's
gonna live down this way.
Anthony Armstrong Jones.
Maggie's old man.
Coming to live down this way?
Get out.
Well, that's what I heard.
I heard they're gonna pull
all the warehouses down
along the river and put up
luxury places
all the way along for the knobs.
Cor blimey and you said,
you said that I was
daft buying me own house
didn't you, eh?
Not worth 1500 quid, you said.
Well, it isn't.
Cor blimey, get a few
knobs living down here mate
it'll be worth 15,000 quid.
15 grand?
Here, I'll tell you what
I'll do with you, sonny.
I shall allow you to
buy me a large whiskey.
What for?
Well, we got something
to celebrate, ain't we, eh?
England for the cup
and Anthony Armstrong Jones
for me bleedin' neighbour.
I'll drink to England for the cup.
Here, here, that's a
bleedin' cheek innit?
What is?
Putting England out in red shirts.
Cor blimey.
White, mate, that's England's colour.
It's white and black, not bloody red.
Alright, I know what it is.
It's your bloody Labour
Party's colours, red, innit?
I see his plan.
Who, Ramsey's?
I'm on, not Ramsey mate.
Harold bloody Wilson.
I see what he's up to.
See, he's putting England out in red
hoping that if we win today
everyone's gonna think it's
the bloody Labour Party
won the World Cup for us.
Alright, alright.
Listen, you ain't won yet, you know?
Yeah, same in the bloody
war mate, weren't it eh?
Yeah, started off well.
Started off well.
Got well clobbered in the
end though, didn't you eh?
Oh bloody krauts.
Get off.
- Yeah.
- Go on, go on.
Hello, hello, look.
Old Praun's gone
Don't know how they lasted
the first half without one?
She's gone an' all now, look.
Her Majesty.
She's gonna have one, ain't she?
He's done it again, ain't he, eh?
What's the matter with ya?
That one's a bleedin' foul.
He jumped on his bleedin' back there.
You're blind ref, you're
bloody blind mate.
Oh, extra time then, innit?
We had our chance
and we chucked it away.
What you talking about?
Chucked it away.
Get off, listen.
Stamina, that's what
our lads have got mate.
No, no, he hasn't given it.
Wait, hang on, hang on.
He's going over to see the linesman.
Here, we're alright.
He's a bloody Russian linesman,
Oi, remember Stalingrad.
Yes, yes!
Oi, oi, don't make me head all wet.
What's the matter with ya?
I see all German games
and I not see them lose.
No, they lose and I'm not
wanting to see Germany lose.
I go home.
Yeah, well piss off then.
God Save the Queen
We're home.
Oh you, oh.
Did I do that?
Shush where's the key?
Gimme the key.
The key.
I ain't got it.
It's bloody fallen...
I haven't got it.
Have to knock her up now, won't we?
No, shush, not so loudly.
What for?
We gotta wake her up, ain't we?
We gotta wake her up.
You gotta wake her up.
I'll do it, I'm first,
I'm shush.
Knock knock.
Knock knock.
Who is it?
We won, we won.
Where you been till now?
I've been at the football, en' I?
At the World Cup.
I been.
Till this time?
Well, they played extra time.
Didn't they?
See, they played extra time.
Little swines.
Look at 'em.
Bloody little gits.
That's it, go on, whack 'em
one with your truncheons.
Go on in, fumigate 'em.
They could do with a bit
of fumigating, that lot.
That's your students again, innit?
That's what they are.
Course it's your bloody
students who it is.
Look, what they oughta do here you see
is bung that lot out to work at 14,
same as they done in the old days.
Make 'em do hard days work, see,
and then when they get home at night
all they'll be able to do is sleep.
You are stupid, Dad.
Bloody stupid.
Oh, I'm stupid am I?
Belt up.
Listen, you don't see
no-one poncing about
out in Vietnam do ya?
Waving bloody great banners
saying hands off America.
Do ya?
Nor in your Russia.
Nor in your bloody China, sonny.
Listen, listen, you shut up
you might learn something.
Yeah, well we haven't yet.
Look, I tell ya.
What we oughta have done, see,
we oughta have joined up with
Hitler during your last lot
and had a go at your Russians
and your bloody Chinese then.
Joined up with Hitler?
Well, he was alright weren't he?
Wasn't that bad.
Hitler was alright?
Listen, Hitler murdered
millions of Jews.
Millions of Jews.
That's what your bloody Hitler did.
Yeah well, I mean,
he had his faults.
I admit that.
He wasn't blameless.
Well, I know that.
He bombed us, didn't he?
Yeah, I know that.
You had not time for him then.
Not when he was bombing you.
Look, I know that.
I know that so shut up you silly moo.
Hope you behave yourself better
when you get to the new house.
God, don't start on that again.
How many more times have I gotta tell you,
we ain't gotta move.
We've all got to move.
The whole street's coming down, Dad.
It ain't coming down, I tell ya.
A lot of people in this street
have been told to move already.
So they might have
because they only pay rent.
Cor blimey, look,
everybody knows the whole
street's coming down.
And I say it ain't.
And the council says it's is.
The council ain't said
nothing of the sort.
Hello, Alf.
Well that's it then, Alf,
it's official now innit, eh?
We're all being cleared out.
Typical bloody Labour innit, eh?
There's supposed to be
a shortage of houses.
Instead of building new ones,
they're knocking down
the ones we already got.
Yeah, we're all going
to Essex they reckon.
- Yeah?
- Yeah.
Well I'm not going
to bloody Essex, mate.
And they're not knocking my
bloody house down neither.
We was right, wasn't we?
They are pulling the street down.
Shut up.
Well they are, aren't they?
Yeah well, this is my house.
Not the bloody councils
and I'll say whether it comes
down or not.
And another thing.
Not bad condition.
Yes, I've made a note.
Floorboards too.
Yeah, they're not very good.
Who the bloody hell's that?
They're from the council.
They've come round to
value the house for you.
They've come to do...
Bloody cheek.
Oi, oi, what's your bloody game then?
Never mind about agreement.
This house ain't for sale, mate.
And even if it was for sale.
And even if it was for sale,
I am the one who'd do
the valuing, not you.
No bathroom, outside toilet.
Look, are you bloody deaf?
I said this house ain't
for sale now hop it.
We have a compulsory order
to purchase, Mr Garnett.
Alright, alright.
Well you can bloody well
stick it, mate.
Thank you.
300 I'd say.
Three of four.
Three or four?
Look, I,
I paid 1500 pound for this.
You were robbed.
Shut up, you.
Look, when I bought this house.
I bought it off the council, didn't I?
And the valued it at 1500 pound
and they gave me a mortgage on it, too.
But the house is
coming down, Mr Garnett.
We're just dealing with land value.
There's no house value left.
You rotten swindling bastards.
You can take it up with the council.
Yeah, I will.
I will, don't you worry.
I'll take it higher than
the council.
Take it to the House of Lords,
I will.
You're lucky I didn't
lay one on you there.
I would be so grateful.
I mean, they're robbing me ain't they?
1500 pound they valued the house
at when they sold it to me.
Now they wanna buy it
back, it's only worth 300.
So they say.
I mean, that's not the way
you like people to do business is it?
It's all that bloody Wilson it,
sorry Lord, he's enough to
make a saint swear ain't he?
I mean, I don't know why you let him win
that last election.
I'm, I'm not blaming you, you know.
You've got your reasons for things.
I know that.
It's probably a punishment on us, eh?
A skurge bloody has been, ain't he?
Anyway, Lord, if you
could see your way clear
to let me keep my little house.
I mean, God Almighty.
I don't wanna move all
the way out to Essex.
Almighty God.
Do I?
I mean, who's gonna pay my fares
back and forth to work every day?
You see my point of view, can't you?
I gotta get up earlier in the morning,
I'll get home late at night.
It makes it very difficult
for Mummy, you know?
I mean, there ain't a pub for miles.
Nor a church, Lord.
I mean, nearest church is three mile away.
You know what I mean?
There's a lot of them that
ain't gonna walk that far,
are they?
So, in a way, you see
it is you they're having a go at, innit?
'Cause I mean, they're
all atheists you know?
That Labour lot.
Anyway, Lord, if you
could see your way clear.
I mean, if there's anything
I could do for you?
I tell you what, I'll put
some money in the box, eh?
Ooh, oh.
Oh, gives you chip don't it?
Half a crown be alright?
Well, make it five bob, eh?
Evening, Fred.
Pint of beer, please?
Oh, when are
you leaving us then, Alf?
I don't know, Fred.
Might not be leaving at all now.
We're gonna, gonna fight 'em, huh?
On the beaches, fight.
All gone to bed, ain't they?
Deserted me.
Still alone.
Still alone.
I fight, I fight 'em.
I'll fight bloody Wilson.
I'll fight.
So, Alf Garnett's fight
against bureaucracy has certainly captured
the public imagination.
At the moment, he is in your
actual number 10 Downing Street
with your actual Prime
Minister, Mr. Wilson
and the full cabinet meeting.
A meeting we have just learned
that your actual Majesty the Queen
has insisted on attending.
Let me put it this way, your majesty.
How would you and Philip like it
if he pulled your house down
and moved you into a new town?
Course you wouldn't.
Would you like a toffee, your majesty?
They're by appointment.
Would you mind?
I mean, even Hitler
couldn't knock my house down
but he's going to.
Your darlin' Harold there.
I mean, you would have preferred someone
more of your own class.
I know that.
I mean, look at the way
he's mucked things up.
Too many foreigners.
Old Enoch Powell, he's got the right idea.
Chuck 'em all out.
Especially the black ones.
Let me ask you a question,
Mr. Prime Minister.
How would you like it if
old Jenkins next door,
number 11, sold his house
to a family of coons?
Do you mind?
Through the chair, please.
I know you meet them, your majesty.
She shakes hands with
them, Her Majesty does.
Yeah but I mean, they are like,
a different class of coon
than you meet, ain't they?
They're, sort of, upper
class coons, ain't they?
Anyway, she keeps her gloves on
when she shakes hands
with them, don't she?
Yeah well, I mean, you
can't be too careful can you?
I reckon some of them's alright.
Oh yeah, some.
Hutch is alright.
Oh yeah, he's alright.
Al Jolson, he was alright too.
Al Jolson?
Al Jolson wasn't a black, he was white.
He was black in Sonny Boy.
Shut up you silly.
Would you like another
toffee, your majesty?
Do you know what I mean,
another thing your majesty.
I mean, look at the way
all these Labour lot
has give away all your empire.
I know just how you feel.
The time is right for a change.
I mean, the whole country feels that.
Oh no, your majesty.
I think, in all fairness,
it should be offered to Enoch first.
I mean, if he turns it
down, well give us a ring.
You know the phone number, don't ya?
Stepney Green one oh nine eight.
Oh, your majesty.
Thank you.
Oh, we didn't expect that.
You'll be a Lady now.
Will I?
Yeah, Lady Else.
Thank you.
Thank you
and I'll be Sir Alfred.
Sir Alfred.
Sir Alfred Garnett.
Sir Alfred Garnett.
Sir Alfred.
Sir Alfred Garnett.
Yes, your majesty.
Arise, Sir Alf, or you'll
be late for bleedin' work.
Come on.
I'll tie this lot off then.
That you, Bert?
No, Fred.
Fred Murphy.
With the demolition gang.
We're knocking down the street
so we're using this
house to set our huts up.
Here, did you
have that bird last night?
Yeah, of course.
Here, have you
seen the one next door?
She's old
four-eyes daughter, ain't she?
Get off it,
what that ugly old sod?
Shut up.
Well, it was worse this afternoon.
Once or twice, I didn't know
where to put my face I didn't.
I'll get 'em out of here.
Don't you worry.
I think we ought to get out of here.
Look, I have told
you, we are not moving.
I'm gonna fight them.
Well, I'm not staying here long.
I don't mind telling you.
I'm going up the pub.
Good riddance.
Oi, are you blind or something?
Oi, where the hell are you going?
To the new house.
I'm not staying here no longer.
What about me?
Well, your dinners in the oven.
I've left you your chair
and the bed upstairs.
Ain't it fair eh?
Ain't it fair?
They've all left me alone, ain't they?
Even Him, Him upstairs.
He took five bob off me, Win.
Done me out of five bob he did.
I mean.
You know me, Win.
I mean, it's not the money.
I mean five bob, I don't need five bob.
Nor does He.
I beg your pardon, Lord.
I was only joking.
Try them two doors down,
they're new.
Not today, thank you.
Oi, oi.
I'm not trying to sell anything,
I'm looking for my family.
Name of Garnett,
have moved in here today.
Do you know where...
Sorry, never heard of them.
Oh, but.
Marvellous, innit?
Oi, oi.
Where you going?
We're going the pictures.
Well, blimey, wait for me.
I've been looking
for you all day, oi.
Tarrah, see ya.
Well, wait for me.
Oi, you waster, hang on.
You might have left the bloody address.
I didn't think.
That's your trouble,
Stand still when your Queen is playing.
I wanna get the last bus.
Never mind about the last bus.
Have a bit of respect.
It's your Queen, innit?
I'm a republican.
You're a bloody scouse
git, that's what you are.
Innit marvellous, eh?
Bloody marvellous.
Ain't you got no respect.
That's all they think of, innit?
Last bus and first in the queue
for the fish and chip shop.
I'm going,
showing me up like this.
Look, leave us the bloody address.
Give us the bloody address.