Tim Travers & the Time Travelers Paradox (2024) Movie Script
1
- Ow, ow, ow! Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
God damn it!
Why is that so hot?
- It's okay. Just, uh...
Thanks, I'm just looking for,
uh, looking for an affidavit.
You may
have noticed in the news,
I am part of a pretty
rough divorce, and it is, uh...
It's a real
motherfucker, so uh, I am not-
- Going live in 10.
- Fuck.
We gotta get going, so...
By the way,
she's, uh, she's a witch.
I don't know if
you believe in witches,
but I think she's got
a cauldron and everything.
Welcome,
questioners, truth seekers,
and good ol'
fashioned angry Americans.
Welcome to "The Rant"!
I'm James Bunratty,
and this is "Bunratty's Rants".
Now, I don't
need to tell you folks
what's wrong with the
broken scientific establishment.
Of course, the
people that bought it,
I'm sure they
think it's working great,
but it is not for us.
It is not for real Americans.
That's why I think
you're gonna love today's guest.
He is an
alternative science guy.
He knows how to
think outside the paradigm.
He has witnessed
the corruption firsthand,
and I think that you
are going to be shocked today,
truth seekers, that's right.
Well, anyway, what I'm saying is
what you're going to
probably say is pretty shocking
to a lot of people
that don't listen to the show.
And to those
newbies, I just wanna say,
welcome to "The Rant".
Let's get right into it.
Dr. Tim Travers,
I am fascinated by your work.
Tell us exactly what
the Time Travelers Paradox is.
Dr.
Travers?
- Oh, right.
- Welcome to the show.
- A few corrections there. Uh,
one, I'm not a doctor.
And two,
while I'm not mainstream,
I am definitely not an
"alternative" scientist.
- The difference being?
- One is for bored
housewives with crystals
and closet racists.
- Oh, we got a show today!
Do we not, out there?
That's right. Yeah,
we can have some fun here.
That was a good one.
But my audience knows
who the man of truth is.
And who is that?
- Bunratty, Bunratty!
- James Bunratty.
Now, besides, fast talker,
how would you
know the difference?
You just said yourself
that you weren't a real doctor.
- I was kicked out of
school for behavioral reasons,
but my grades were excellent.
- Yeah. Establishment
elites, am I right?
I mean, who decided that they
were the purveyors of truth?
- Education?
Peer review? Uh...
Hygiene?
- Okay.
You're arguing that
time travel is possible,
which is, even for
this show, quite out there.
So, why don't you
just, uh, hold your roll, pal?
- Well, I am sitting in a
radio station in the year 2026,
so I think that
it might be possible.
Is that, is that a reel-to-reel?
- Yes!
That's a reel-to-reel given
to me by Carl Sagan's assistant!
I married her too, all right?
Yeah, so I didn't
invite you on this show
to insult my
audience, or me, or my team.
- No, you invited me
because Mothman was busy
and I was bored.
- The Time Travelers Paradox.
Tell us about it.
- Hm.
It's a thought experiment.
How much do you
need me to dumb this down?
- Just a little bit.
- Agree to disagree.
First, a scientist
makes a time machine.
That loops back exactly
one minute into the past.
- Oh, is that all?
- Then the scientist
kills his younger self.
- As he does.
- Oh!
Yeah!
Now you have a man who
should not and cannot exist.
Yet, somehow does.
That is the paradox.
Paradoxes are impossible.
- Man, you are very smart,
but I would hate to
go to dinner with you.
If you're just joining us,
we have not-doctor Tim Travers.
And while you're at it,
pick up some of
Bunratty's Blast Vitamins.
And while we're there,
we have our own version of HGH.
It's not the dangerous kind
that Sylvester Stallone uses.
No, it is Bunratty's HGA.
That's right, HGA.
We'll be right back.
Great job, man.
- Well, shit.
Um...
Observation one. Uh...
Light, or at least
the perception of light,
can only move one
way through the machine.
I can see into the past,
but can't see into the future.
That makes sense, intuitively.
Um...
Observation two.
The fuck!
I have, um,
murdered my younger self,
and, and causality
appears to be unaffected,
like, like completely
unaffected,
which makes no sense.
I refer you to my
aforementioned, "The fuck!"
Theory one. Um...
Time travel has,
has not taken place at all.
Instead, I have been
transported to a
identical universe.
Problematic theory. Um...
Since that the machine might
work as a fancy teleporter,
sending me to
a, by wild coincidence,
place that just so
happens to be indistinguishable
from my own
past, seems unlikely.
Hmm.
Theory two.
I have time traveled
in the conventional sense.
Please excuse my abuse
of the word "conventional".
Um...
Time is a
dimension in its own right.
Therefore, causality must be
limited by the speed of light,
which prevents the
paradox from ever catching up.
How the hell am I
even supposed to test that?
Theory three. Um...
Uh, my presence has spawned a
new universe via my
interaction with it.
Now, that's...
That's an interesting one.
If my interaction is the
seed, then, then from my frame,
no other traveler
could impact my timeline.
But, but, but the
traveler could continually
impact other timelines.
Now, that, that's testable!
I just, I just need to have a...
I just, I just need
to repeat the experiment!
- Now we're getting somewhere!
As theorized, my own
timeline remains unaffected!
Oh.
Oh, crap.
Forgot about that.
Now there's a thought.
- Now we're getting somewhere!
As theorized, my own
timeline remains unaffected!
- Sorry.
- What the hell, man?
- It was an impulse.
I was trying to
catch myself by surprise.
- That's moronic!
- Don't be a dick.
Right.
- Right.
Twice!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Right.
Eww.
No, no.
Date, date!
- Hey!
Excuse you, fucko!
Yeah, 20 minutes late.
Bet ya five bucks
he doesn't even show up.
Nah, ah, ah, ah.
That's mine.
That's yours.
- Wow.
Are you, uh...
Are you like this all the time?
- Yep.
- Kinda like it.
- That's real.
- Dr. Travers?
- Still not a doctor.
- Yeah, whatever.
Listen. You are
belittling James a lot.
He doesn't like it.
Hell, he hates it.
So, please, on behalf of
the entire production staff-
- Well, he's
been dead for like 44 years.
- Keep doing it.
- You ever been
in a room with Paul McCartney?
- It is delicious.
- Exactly!
"Defamation"?
What about free speech?
Well, of course I made it up!
What does that
have to do with anything?
- You go, James!
We believe in you.
Hm.
I eat this shit up.
- So, you're not into the whole-
- Mm, bored housewives with
crystals and closet racists?
Nah, no.
I thought this would
be a great post-college gig
while I figured out what
to do with my life, but, um,
that was 15 years ago,
because time is a cruel bitch.
- Yeah,
it's on the Moon!
By the moon, I mean my ass.
- I'm Delilah.
I stopped talking.
- What?
- Yeah, a while ago.
I'm sorry, is...
Is my life story boring to you,
or are you just incredibly rude?
- Not mutually exclusive.
- Wow!
- Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
I am distracted, but
it's not because you're boring.
You're not, you're not boring.
Um, today was just a weird day.
- How weird was your day?
- Uh, honest answer?
- Yeah.
- Well, today,
I activated a time machine
that is powered by nuclear
materials
that were stolen from
a terrorist organization.
And, uh...
Then I went back in
time and killed my younger self
repeatedly, and I have
no idea how that's possible.
- I'm sorry. I
wasn't listening.
- What? What?
- See?
It's rude, and I was listening.
Great bit.
You're not doing a bit.
Okay.
All right.
- Yeah, I've got eyes on him.
Doesn't look like much.
Just a waiting game now.
Oh, yes. Hi.
Uh, I'll have a Shirley Temple,
easy on the grenadine.
- Sure.
- Thank you very much.
- You know, um...
Seeing you
make James suffer was fun,
but this
whole mad scientist shtick
it's like, it's
like performance art.
I'm just waiting for the
cameras to pop out.
- I avoid cameras.
- Are your friends in on this?
- I don't have friends.
- Oh, gross.
Not even as a kid?
- Timothy Oliphant Travers!
Are those real?
- No, Mom!
I'm just using
the electric potato.
- All right.
I do not want a repeat
of the Guinea pig incident!
Only shock the potato.
- Yes, Mother.
- Oh, I'm gonna
have to dig another hole.
- Went through a lot
of friends, but that's fine.
Learning how to be by
yourself is a reward of its own.
- You know, to a point, but,
it's hard to
take that armor off.
- Some people don't
have the choice, so...
It's also fine, because
I don't need other people.
- Hm!
That's a thing that people say,
when they think
they're better and smarter.
- I didn't mean it like that,
but I am better and smarter.
Look. I don't share other
people's values in the abstract.
Take time travel.
A paradox will
literally break reality,
and a reality
broken can be rewritten.
- Ominous, but yeah, I get it.
You hate that people
wanna use it for time tourism.
Oh, kinda like when a lady
discovers she has superpowers,
and it's like, "Oh, no,
but what, what does this mean
for my job and relationship?"
And I'm like, "Bitch,
you've got superpowers!"
Yeah! Like,
laser your boss to death!
Throw your loser
boyfriend into the sun and, and,
and go conquer the
world, like a sane person.
- Exactly. Thank you.
- Crush the peasants.
- It's misplaced priorities.
It's like, you know, working
on a, on a, on a work project
when someone is
actively trying to kill you.
- Right,
right, or going on a date,
when you're about
to conquer the world.
- Right.
- What're you doing?
But what?
- You are absolutely right.
- Did, did I say that?
I, I don't think I said that.
I said something
about crushing peasants,
but that was more for me.
- I need to get back to the lab.
- What?
Right, right now?
- Yeah.
- You may not know
this, but a woman driving
halfway across the city
in the middle of murderville
is kind of a,
it's kind of a leap of faith.
That's not lost on you?
- It is not.
- So...
You're, you're,
you're joking, right?
You're trolling me for a goof,
because you're an ass like that.
- I am, but I am not.
- Well, I don't
have to be polite anymore
because you're the
one who's standing me up.
So, figure out where you
are on the spectrum, dick weed,
and then go fuck yourself!
Fuck off.
Bye!
Fuck you, and
fuck you, and fuck you!
Fuck you guys, too!
Hey, you, with the French braid!
You suck!
Fuck off!
This fuckin' bar is shit!
Fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Is she pointing to us?
- Fuck you!
- Oh, my God.
Ow!
I'm not, um...
I've been checked.
Many times.
Um...
At worst, it's a,
it's a case of mild psychosis.
Which is unrelated.
So, you know what?
I don't need the
judgment right now.
And also, honestly, it's
kinda fucked up that you would
make fun of somebody
for being on the spectrum.
Fuck!
Just fuck off!
- But I didn't say anything.
- You also
forgot to charge them.
- Crap!
- Had to know, you know?
Maybe there was something there.
Why am I telling you?
You're just a localized
wormhole, not a person.
I know, I know, I know.
Back to work!
Alone.
Boys.
First rule of science!
Repeat the experiment.
Verify results.
This is gonna suck.
- You did say
this was gonna suck.
- Motherfucker!
Come on!
- Ow!
Why did you...
- Come on, now!
Oh!
- Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, all right.
How about this?
Hypothetically,
let's say you make it work.
You break
the world, for no point,
but to prove that you can do it.
What then?
Is a time machine that
goes back one minute useful?
- That, that is a good question.
- Yeah, well,
this is all about questions.
- Not good ones.
Results prove...
Consistent.
30-plus loops and still
no perceivable paradox, so...
Fuck.
Hold, hold on.
Hold on.
- Results prove consistent.
30-plus loops and still
no perceivable paradox, so...
Yes, hi.
Um, here's where I'm at on this.
We can safely
conclude the observer's frame
cannot be impacted.
- You're, you're
impacting me right now.
- Don't interrupt.
What we're
testing is theory two,
in which case, you didn't exist
until about 10 seconds ago,
but now that you do, however,
your frame
cannot be impacted again.
- Right.
- So, how do I test that?
- Got it.
You kill me.
Um...
- No, no, no, no!
Not, not this me.
- You, however,
your frame cannot be impacted.
- That me.
- How do test that?
- I got it.
You kill me.
Not, not this me.
- Jesus!
- Okay, so
that version of me died,
but I didn't, so, that holds.
- I'm sorry,
what, what, what holds?
- Oh, he affected my
timeline, and I wanted to prove
that he couldn't do it a
second time, which of course-
- Supports theory three.
I get it.
Don't spoon feed me.
- Does everybody
else want a drink?
Cool, it's cool.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my head.
Oh!
What's with the, the name tag?
- Trust me, you're all gonna
be wanting these soon enough.
All right?
Anyway, we were arguing
the merits of theory three.
- Ah, but what if
it's theory two, hm?
And it's just the one timeline,
but it's limited
by the speed of light.
- Good question.
- Uh...
I mean, who cares, though?
It's, it's...
You can't control
for it, so it's pointless.
- We, we can!
We just have to go
the other way through!
- What?
- What?
- What?
- Just stick with me here. Um...
It's been six
hours since, since he-
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- You started
the first loop, right?
So, the paradox, if it's
moving at the speed of light,
happened one
minute in your past.
If we go the
other way, we could see it!
That's our control!
- You get all that?
- Yeah pretty straightforward.
- Mm.
- Mm-hm.
- Well, doesn't matter,
'cause the machine
doesn't work like that.
- It can! It can!
We just have to
figure out how to slow the...
Slow the, the...
Look, I need,
I need, I need visual aids.
So, let's just grab
some of these, and just do it,
do it, ow, the other way, ow!
- All right, the coast is clear.
Come on, pick those up.
- Jesus.
- I need a drink!
- Yeah, yep, yep.
- It's gonna be fine.
- All right.
- What?
You!
- Which me?
Sorry.
Hard to explain.
How are you?
What're you doing back here?
- I forgot my scarf.
What are you doing here?
I thought you had
to go back to the lab?
- Wasn't that yesterday?
- No! It was
two hours ago.
- Two hours?
- Yes!
- Wow. I did
way too many loops.
- "Loops"? What is
that, some kind of drink?
- Yes?
- Really?
Come buy me one.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- You owe me! Come on!
- Hm? Hm?
- Oh, great! There
goes the only sober one.
I'm just too, too,
too drunk to math right now.
- I know some
assholes who aren't.
- The machine only
loops one minute back!
Why did you think that 21
drunks would be an improvement?
- I said I'm ordering coffee!
24-hour coffee delivery.
- Yeah,
it's beautiful out here.
- God
bless capitalism.
- Yeah, it took me about
20 minutes to get out here.
- Bless it, I said!
Look.
I don't know who's following me,
but you picked the
wrong guy to be doing this...
- That was worth the wait.
I never get to use the shotgun,
man. It's like too loud.
But this place?
You're so in the middle of
nowhere here, I...
I couldn't resist.
Oh, fuck. Shit.
Hold up, hold up.
Uh, supposed to
read you something.
Ah, here we go.
"Mr. Travers,
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today he is teaching you..."
You listening?
Shit!
"The Kingmaker
is above such things.
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today he is teaching
the consequences of
stealing from better men.
Then shoot him." Then...
Then shoot him!
Right!
Crap.
Oh, well.
- No, no, stop it. No.
But seriously, seriously.
That did sound
like a gunshot earlier.
- No, no, no, no.
It's just a, a firework.
They're, uh...
Kids, they
get in here, and they,
they set 'em off all the time.
- Uh, you're cool with that?
- Yeah! Yeah,
I mean, kids need to get hurt.
Like, fewer
fingers, stronger moral...
Whatever.
- Okay, you...
You're actually fun.
But only when
you've been drinking.
Announcement!
The do-over date is
officially a success!
- So, so
being drunk is a, a plus to you?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
It makes it easier to
get what I want, like answers.
Like, why, Mr.
Mad Scientist Man? Why?
- Isn't curiosity enough?
- No.
I am curious about crypto,
but I'm curious,
because the more I know,
the easier it is
to game the suckers.
I am curious about conspiracies
because someone will
always pay to believe it.
I'm curious about sensitivity
because humans
love to control others
while telling themselves
they're the good guys.
Curiosity always has an
agenda, for people like me.
Me and you.
So, really.
What is it that you want?
- I want what everyone wants.
To stand alone with
God at the end of time
and tell the bastard off.
- Humble.
And I bet ya
five bucks God's a she.
- Our world is shit.
It's definitely a he.
- Mm.
- Okay!
Let's go over
this one more time.
- Why?
- Volume!
I thought Eta
was bringing coffee.
- The machine works by
using entangled particles.
Now, one particle is
tied to the entrance door.
That's the door
moving forward through time.
The other particle is
run through the accelerator,
slowing its frame down
to a near standstill in time.
- Who are you
explaining this for?
- That particle is tied
to the exit-
- We all know this!
- I'm not ashamed to
admit this is actually helping.
- But Alpha.
- Mm-mm.
- Alpha?
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha has
been on this side of the door,
for longer than one minute.
So, that means that the paradox
has overtaken
the time difference!
- We know!
Ow!
The fuck!
Fuckin' asshole.
- Perfect timing.
The problem is that the door
only opens backwards in time.
Send something
through the exit door,
and it's just a normal door.
But use the
entrance door, and...
- Ow! What the fuck?
- See? I just
threw that back in time.
Hit Epsilon on the head and
started that particular loop.
- Sorry, but where
did the football come from?
- So, we just
need to bring both doors
into the same time frame,
allowing us to
travel the other way through,
which, in theory, would
let us catch up to the paradox!
- Uh...
Uh, seriously. Where did
the, uh, football come from?
- What
about the multiverse?
- Which franchise?
- God's.
- A multiverse
is, is too convenient, right?
It's not different versions
of our lives. It's really-
- I love the multiverse.
I love all the
different versions of me.
- Oh.
Okay.
- It doesn't matter if I
fuck up, because they made it.
I like knowing that.
There are some days I...
I need that.
- But if they succeeded,
does that make them you?
I mean, maybe...
Maybe failing is
what makes you you.
Maybe, maybe failure
is your defining trait.
By which, I mean, um...
- Recover.
Recover fast.
- Would you like to see my lab?
- Okay.
But seriously, fuck you.
- So, this is the, uh...
The lab! Um...
Which we have all to ourselves.
Apparently.
- Why wouldn't we?
Oh, right! Your
time-looped friends.
- Okay, okay.
Uh, uh, uh, that's the wall.
That's the, uh,
the closet over there.
That's a human hamster wheel.
That's the time machine.
Coffeemaker's broken.
And that's basically
it, so we should probably,
probably go, right?
- I'm sorry.
"Human hamster wheel"?
- That's, that's the
piece you were impressed by?
Oh, okay. Um,
yeah, I mean, uh...
I was trying a thing,
but it didn't really work.
Just too many feces.
- Wow. Wow.
I never thought I
would be into a, um, LARPer.
But
your commitment is like...
- Uh, sorry. What?
- This! The,
the toy guns, that prop!
- My time machine is not a prop.
- That.
That right there.
The commitment to
the fantasy, I am...
Ooh, I am into it.
If I could afford to
support a LARP like this,
I don't even know
what I would do with it.
I, uh...
Ah.
Paid LARP vacations.
No, somebody must be doing that.
If you could classify it
as porn,
you could have the
staff screw the customers.
- Eww!
- Oh, don't be a prude.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Eww to, to LARPing!
I mean, this? This is real!
This is my, my life's work!
- Okay, drop it already!
Talk like a normal person,
and not someone
trying to sound smart!
It's just not healthy!
I bet ya
five bucks you just spend
too much time
talking to yourself.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, Delilah, this-
- Okay!
Get away from me!
- No, not that way!
Probably fine, right?
- If I could afford to
support a LARP like this,
I don't even know
what I would do with it.
I, uh...
Ah.
Paid LARP vacations.
No, somebody must be doing that.
If you could
classify it as porn, you...
No! Oh!
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god!
- What the hell was that?
Damn it, did you
drop something again?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Why would you do that?
- Holy shit!
- Just, just,
just give me the gun.
- Give him the gun!
- Stay back! All
of you, stay back!
- Just calm down.
- Be cool, man!
- Shut up, you freak!
- Let's not be
hypocritical here.
- So?
How did the date go?
What?
- Delilah? Delilah, look-
- Don't you dare follow me!
- Don't, don't worry, we won't.
Come on.
Like, a bunch of
guys chasing a lone woman
around their
private compound at night?
It's not exactly a
great, a great look. Um...
probably
shouldn't have said that.
- No shit!
Listen, I don't
have a box to put this in
that will
fit in my brain without,
bet ya five
bucks, exploding my head.
So, let's just forget
this ever happened.
- Trust me, it, it happened.
- But reality is
subjective, so no.
- Subjective?
Tell her that!
- Nope!
Oh, fuck!
Motherfuckin'
shit dick slug nug!
Whoa!
- Thanks for the jugs!
Evening.
- Travers?
- All right.
Let's get going.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Yes.
- You're Tim Travers.
- We've established that.
- You're not gonna believe
this, but earlier tonight,
I met a guy who
looked exactly...
I mean, exactly like you.
- Just have one of
those faces, I guess.
- You do!
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm
gonna get going, so, uh,
you have a lovely
little evening or whatever.
Jesus Christ!
- Ah, shit!
Uh, "The Kingmaker is a
teacher."
Fuck, I did it again.
Stupid fuckin' note.
- I mean, I didn't even
know that the gun was loaded.
- So, does anyone else
think it's a little weird
that she shot her other self?
I mean, I get that we did
that as part of the experiment.
She didn't know that.
I mean, maybe that
was just some other woman
that looked a lot like her.
Just a little weird that, uh,
murder was her go-to response.
I liked her.
- You saw no red flags there?
- She did mention something
about "crushing peasants"?
- Oh!
I see what's going on here.
You thought that
she would fix you!
- Fuck you!
- Oh, fuck you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, just,
let's just chill, okay?
- Fuck you, too.
- Fuck off!
- Fuck you!
- Fuck both of you.
- Fuck all of you!
- Fuck that, too!
- All right.
I'm just gonna gonna say it.
- Fuck you, motherfucker!
- You all
thinking what I'm thinking?
- That's exactly
what I'm thinking.
- Tim Travers?
Go fuck yourself.
- Fuck yeah.
- Oh, yeah!
- What's that for?
- Mood music.
- Okay.
Okay, uh...
Hold on.
You know what?
Let's turn it up.
- Yeah, it's
pick-up from here on, buddy.
- Hey. Hey,
how are you?
Um, the uh, orgy's happening.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Well, it's about time!
Woo!
- Yes.
That'll work.
I...
I figured it out.
I did it!
You guys, we...
Where is everybody?
- Hold that other leg.
- Oh, yeah!
Stop licking me.
- Who are you?
- They asked me
to hold the coffee.
- Say my name.
Say my name, Tim!
Say my name, Tim!
- Tim, Tim, Tim.
Say my name.
Say my name, Tim!
Tim!
- Delta, no names.
- Oh, God. I
feel so close to you right now.
- No,
lick there, lick there.
- Okay, but what about the soul?
How does time travel account
for two spirits
occupying the same space?
- The same way that it accounts
for unicorns and dragons
or other shit that isn't real!
We are just meat!
The meaning
of life is to eat, shit,
fuck to create more meat,
and repeat, until we die, alone!
In the end...
All of us are alone.
- We'll be right
back with more Tim Travers
and his super
happy outlook on life.
- I'm so confused.
How does someone
affiliate the time dilation
of an accelerated
particle to a door frame?
- Okay, you're not listening.
I need you to hear me, okay?
This guy is crazy. I think,
I think he might be a terrorist.
- Oh, honey.
Weirdo or no, labeling
somebody with that term?
- He's white.
- Uh, oh, shit. Yeah,
definitely a terrorist then.
What is this guy's name?
- Tim.
Tim Travers.
- Who?
Who?
- Tim Travers!
- Who in the fuck...
- Oh, my!
- Whoa.
- I hate this town.
I hate everyone
in it, so, so much!
Bet ya five bucks I've
had a weirder day than you.
- You're on.
You guys have no idea.
- It's gonna hold.
- It's too much power.
It's classic Tim.
- You sluts!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We do not need the judgment.
Where, where'd
you get the coffee?
- Sorry.
Last cup.
Delivery guy
must've stolen the rest.
I bet you forgot to tip.
- Fuck you, motherfucker!
- Damn.
- So?
How was, uh...
It?
- Amazing.
- Incredible.
- Best sex ever.
- Obviously great!
Uh...
- Pretty bland, honestly.
Oh. Oh,
I'm sorry.
I thought we were
done jerking each other off.
It was great!
- In all fairness,
a great bonding experience.
And, uh, I learned some
things about myself, and...
- Tau!
How about you go
get us some more coffee?
Go.
Go now.
Now!
- You're just jealous that
no one invited you to the orgy.
- Ooh!
- Get.
Out.
- "Go get the coffee, Tau.
Hold my wrench, Tau.
Lube is for sissies, Tau."
Well, that's why no one invited
you to the orgy, asshole!
And you are?
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
- I don't know how you're
doing this, but it won't work.
Decoys?
Body doubles?
Magic tricks? I
don't fuckin' care.
I will do this all
goddamn night, if I have to,
because I am a professional!
- Okay, I think there has
been a big misunderstanding!
- Shut up!
I have a message for
you from The Kingmaker.
- Oh, shit. That guy, um-
- "Mr.
Travers.
Do not think of this
as punishment or revenge.
The Kingmaker is
above such things.
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today, he is
teaching you the consequences
of stealing from better men."
There.
I said it.
I read the whole damn message.
And now, I just
wanna be absolutely sure
that I'm killing
the right guy this time.
So, are you Tim Travers?
- No?
- Liar!
- Oh.
You're the, uh, the Tim
that wasn't taking
anyone's crap earlier, right?
- Yeah.
I mean, come off it, right?
Yeah, it's like we're all
putting on this performance,
and for who?
- Our egos.
Anyway, it was, good on you.
- No, you'd have done the same.
- I didn't, though.
Which is weird, right?
I mean, maybe
the, uh, experience drift
between individual
Tims is, is growing.
- Well, a few
hours can change a person.
- Yeah, that's what my doctor...
Oh.
- I'll get that.
Here.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm just...
- Oh, fuck! That's hot.
Which is why it will
double the energy output,
and also the radiation.
- Well, what about matter?
- Yeah, I think that matters!
- No, no. What about matter?
Every time we create a new Tim,
where is the matter
coming from, you know?
- Huh.
We must be pulling it from
somewhere else in the Universe.
The equivalent to 20...
No, no, 30 30?
- Tims.
- Ah, fuck.
That's too many Tims.
- Yeah, I'd say.
Thank you, Jason McKee,
for that insightful report on
postpartum depression for men.
On to national news tonight,
at a Mississippi church,
30 parishioners
appear to have been raptured.
Details are vague, but experts
are dismissing this theory,
instead arguing for
wormhole displacement theory.
In spite of the evidence...
- Shut up.
All right, everybody!
Gather round! Gather round!
All right, make a
little semicircle for me.
Close enough. I
have some sad news.
Tau Tim has been murdered.
- Oh, no, not Tau.
- Who?
- Yeah, very sad.
Anyway, somebody's
been picking off the Tims
on the coffee
runs, so from here on out,
I am imposing the buddy system.
- Boo!
- Also, this does
mean there is no coffee.
- Oh, come on!
- You've gotta be
fucking kidding me!
- I
fucking hate this place!
- She was into a multiverses?
- Exactly.
And I have this whole
theory about why multiverses
are stupid and
people like them anyway.
I tried not to say anything,
ended up being a dick anyway.
- Well...
What's your theory?
- I mean,
obviously you know it already.
- Yeah, but...
It'd be nice to
hear somebody else say it.
I'm just so tired of
hearing my own voice, you know?
- That resonates.
The multiverse isn't
different versions of our lives.
It's actually
different sets of laws.
I mean, why should one
plus one equal two, right?
I mean, why was there slightly
more matter than anti-matter?
It's the same as the entirety
of history. It's just the-
- The newest way to
put ourselves at the center.
To convince
ourselves that we matter.
- Why is not mattering so bad?
I mean, why is it so
terrifying to...
Not be the most
important person?
- It's freeing.
My mistakes are
mine and mine alone.
- As are my victories.
- In life.
- In science.
- In love?
I got it.
- What is it?
- Something
about missing coffee.
I'm honestly still trying
to figure out why our phones
are working like this.
- Someone at Verizon is
having a meltdown right now.
- Oh, shit!
Yeah, Boss?
- You know I
do not like to be kept waiting.
- Yeah,
I know, I know, but it's fine.
- Helter?
Helter!
Is the bastard dead already?
This guy
goes off-grid for a year,
and then the idiot
shows up on a podcast.
- I swear, I, I...
I don't understand.
- Do I
need to bring in Royce?
- Royce?
- Royce.
- Royce is here?
- Near enough.
So, do your job, and if I
don't hear from you in one hour,
I am bringing in Royce.
- Fuck! Fuckin' cunt fuck!
Fucking brother!
Fuck!
- I'd like to
point out to the audience,
this is the first
pause Tim has taken.
Why are you even here?
I mean, you
don't respect any of us.
You've just been
ranting at my audience
and me for two
hours, torturing us.
Did I do something to you?
Did I beat you up on a
playground somewhere when I was-
- No, no, nothing like that.
You just dumbed down
the human race a little bit.
- Why is it so important for you
to be smarter than a
guy you don't even respect?
I mean, who are you
trying to impress here?
What is the point of all this?
- Well, isn't it obvious?
If something should go wrong
when I turn on the machine,
a record would be a
pretty good thing to have.
You were the only one
who took the interview.
- With full love and respect,
I hope you die a
very painful death.
- Aww.
- No, no.
I still have mine.
- I heard
this Somebody probably-
- No, no. I told you!
- Hey!
Uh, I think that things
might be about to get weird,
or weird, weirder.
Um...
I don't know, I thought
maybe it'd be a good idea
to have a way to,
you know, recognize each other.
- Why would we need a way
to, uh, recognize each other?
- Um...
Well, because I, uh, uh...
It's cool, it's cool, it's cool.
That's, uh...
I care about, I care,
I care about that, too.
- I...
It's the, uh,
only sticker I could find.
- I love it.
- Blah.
- Breathe, baby.
We're almost home.
Power core stable?
If not, we're gonna die!
Good enough.
- Is the second particle moving?
- Yeah, yeah. Full
speed in a few seconds.
- Hey, hey,
do you smell something burning?
Eh, it's
probably my imagination.
- Iota, I've got this. You
go see the paradox.
I owe you one.
Jesus fucking Christ!
What the hell?
Okay. Let's
be cool, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please.
- You said that already!
- When?
- When I killed you!
Motherfucker.
And then I killed
you at the coffee stand.
And then I was in the
restaurant with that lady-
- Fucking Delilah.
- And I killed you again.
- Oh, so, so you're the guy?
- I'm the guy.
And you...
What are you?
Are you
a god?
- Well, metaphorically,
everyone's a God,
from their own perspective, so-
- Literally!
Are you a god?
- No, no!
No, not a god.
Not a god. Not yet!
- Behind that
door lies our future!
- Or present, technically.
- What?
Whatever!
The paradox is within
our ability to understand.
To control.
Now, at long last-
- Oh, my God! get
on with it already!
- I was, you dingus!
Now, at long last...
Let's go unmake history.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit!
- Fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Oh, shit!
It's gonna go insane!
- Oh, my...
- Oh, wow!
- Don't worry! I'll help you!
Come on!
- Wait! Wait,
wait, wait, wait!
- I'm still on fire!
Put me out, put me
out, put me out!
- I, I, uh...
Help?
That did
not go
great.
- Just take it,
take it easy, okay?
That's, um...
That's gonna be bitch
a to patch up.
But you're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.
I just need...
We just need to think.
I just, I just need to think.
Um...
I, I, I don't, I don't know...
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Just hang out
with me for a minute.
Please.
- Okay.
Okay.
Just one minute.
That's all you get.
- I wish there was a multiverse.
So that I could be the,
the version of me
that was brave enough to,
to tell you that...
I'm still on fire!
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Helter?
- King!
He made a sky beam.
A Marvel fucking sky beam!
Send in Royce!
- He's
already on his way.
- Power's down. Reactor's down.
Four Tims are dead. The
accelerator's still working.
But, uh, Iota is still missing.
It's a three-ring shit-show.
Fuck me.
- Um...
Why can we still see through it?
- 'Cause in the
future, we get it working again
and send the energy
backwards, just like the matter.
This has only
been a minor setback.
- Enough!
- Huh?
- What?
- I said, enough!
I am done.
I am, I am out!
Everything has gotten
too, too confusing and too,
too painful, too...
Too sad.
That's it.
I'm, I'm, I'm out.
- You can't leave.
You are Tim Travers!
- Well, at least I'm not you!
- We are all you!
Separated by a few hours.
- Sometimes, a few
hours can change a person.
- Delta!
Got your coffee, Delta.
Keep up with the good work, bud.
And it's the left clamp.
May I have the wrench from you?
The wrench.
The wrench!
- Ow!
- And up!
- Woo!
- I'm where you said to meet.
He's supposed to be
the frickin' expert, man!
Whoa!
- Kingmaker?
Yo, King!
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
Disrespectful, incompetent.
Yada, yada, yada, I know.
- He's talking
about Travers, right?
- Hey, it's no problem.
Yeah, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna cut his dick
off, and feed it to him.
I'll send you pics when
I'm done, all right?
- There's more than one of
him, or he might be immortal.
He might be a god, man!
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hey, hey.
Relax.
A few kills under your belt,
and you think it's
gonna be smooth sailin'.
Then...
The guilt sets in.
Can't shoot guilt!
So, you start seein'
things that aren't there.
Burnout is real.
Right, fellas?
- I swear to
you, I am not crazy.
- Don't worry about it, okay?
We believe you.
In fact, you know
what I'll let you do?
I'll even let you watch.
Would you like that?
- I would like that
very much, please. Thank you.
- Let's try this again.
- Very impressive!
- Need more power!
Ready transition to the grid!
- Oh, fuck you, man!
- Faster!
- Idiots.
- For the last time, Carol.
I'm not going to harm myself!
It was a different Delilah!
Who I killed.
Fuck Tim Travers.
No, I don't mean sexually!
- As I said.
Behind that
door lies our future!
It's like Mom
always used to say.
"You're not a great person, Tim.
Hell, you're not
even a very good person.
But what you are
is a great scientist!"
No matter
how strange or bizarre,
we, we follow the evidence.
Mortal laws no longer apply
to us, and in a few seconds,
even the laws of
nature won't apply anymore!
And I know
that you know I know that
because you know
I know that you know!
Come along.
Let's go unmake history.
Holy shit! Oh, oh!
Fuck!
No, hey!
Holy fuck. We
blew up the universe.
- We can't have destroyed it!
- Then where is it?
- Gone!
- That is impossible.
- Help me!
- What the fuck about
this day has led you to believe
that anything
could be impossible?
- If
the universe were gone,
then its laws
should be gone, too.
- Why are you
talking about this right now?
- Gravity is still in play.
Where is that coming from,
if there's no more universe?
- Hey, he's right!
- What ar you?
Okay, he's right!
Pull me up!
What the fuck?
- Who cares where it's coming
from if there's no more Earth?
- I do!
You bastard!
- You just killed Zeta Tim.
- Well, yeah, but I mean,
he was creeping everybody out.
Right?
- Bad, bad. Bad, bad,
bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
- That's, that's it?
That's the paradox?
Just an unending black room?
- Maybe.
But I think not.
Now, stay with me on this.
Imagine the, uh,
two conflicting timelines
are more like
differently charged particles.
- But why would they do that?
- I said, "Stay with me."
Now, the paradox brings the two
differently
charged timelines together,
destroying both and removing
the conflicting information.
- The only
place that information
can be destroyed
is a singularity.
- Exactly!
Black holes reduce
information to max entropy,
which means that the
natural response in nature
to a paradox is a black hole.
- So, we didn't
destroy the universe!
We just created a black
hole in that timeline that
destroyed the Earth and, and
killed everyone that we know.
- Oh, boy.
- Hold on, hold on.
If we created a
black hole in that timeline,
then how come Zeta Tim,
when we dropped him in,
could still breathe?
- Fuck off! I don't
know everything, Sigma!
I mean, this week,
I entangled and stored particles
matched them to the
physical space of a door,
invented fucking time travel,
and may have just found a
new way to create black holes!
So, cut me some fucking slack!
- I mean, maybe, if
you were able to cheat your way
past the spaghettification
of an, of an event horizon,
then you would be moving
faster than the speed of light
and frozen in time,
relative to the universe.
But you would continue to
perceive the passage of time
as an illusion and just stay
in that state forever, maybe!
- So, Zeta Tim will be
falling through the void,
without aging or
dying, literally forever?
- Well, shit.
Now I feel bad.
- An important safety tip.
Nobody ever go the,
the other way through.
- Makes sense to me!
See, kid?
Not magic.
Just power.
- Sorry, but who the hell are...
- Oh!
- Yeah!
Nice work.
Arthritis sets in,
you gotta start delegating,
you know, as you get older.
- If I may, uh...
Is this all about
the stolen plutonium?
- Yeah. It's
about the plutonium.
How the hell do you
forget about plutonium?
- Oh, that I stole.
- It's been a weird day.
- Weird, confusing.
Really, really stupid.
Although, it's
about to get stupider!
Arrogant mortals!
You're tampering
with the very programming
of reality itself!
- Holo-Universe.
Fuckin' called it.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Good question.
- Who
the fuck do you think I am?
I'm God, you
miserable little shits!
- Now, that's it. I'm done.
If God actually
exists, then I'm out.
Later, everybody.
- Hey! Did you
just let that guy leave?
- I don't understand
what's happening right now!
- Me neither. Uh...
When you say God, do you mean
like, like a god or God, God?
You know? I just,
I have some follow-up questions.
To the statement, "I am God."
- And I think you're
full of shit!
- Just to be clear...
He did not speak for the group.
- You idiot!
Hey! I dunno
what's gonna happen now!
- What are you?
- Thought I told you.
I'm the Alpha and Omega that's
about to own your bitch ass.
- Oh, you son of a fuck...
- Yeah!
- Woo!
- Shut up!
Forgot how annoying I am.
- Sorry. Um...
"I"?
- Do you know what
it's like to fall forever?
Unable to starve, unable to die.
You go mad!
You begin to create
new realities in your mind,
so as to not be
so completely alone.
You refine and
perfect each iteration,
until you can run a
simulation so flawless
that from the
frame of the beings within,
the difference between
their reality
and a physical one is semantics.
And you do it over and over,
until a perfect recreation
of your original
reality can be constructed.
That
is how you
achieve God-hood, bitches.
- So, the universe is just a
simulated reality in your head?
- Yes.
- Based on the reality
that you originated from?
- Yes!
- A reality in which you
were the Zeta Tim that we...
Sorry. He
dropped into a black hole?
- Yes.
- Dude!
- I created this
universe for the sole purpose
of arriving at this very moment.
- To tell us that
you love and forgive us?
- No.
Fuckin' why?
- Come on.
- It starts
with the cause. We will stop-
- Weren't you just-
- Yeah. I just
got one of those faces.
I know.
You would not believe the
weird shit I have seen today.
Illegal Canadians coming down-
- You buy me this
drink, and I'll blow your mind.
- As you
know, they can't buy homes-
- Listen, I...
- Live the American
dream, but no, they are poor.
And, uh, you know, my heart
goes out to 'em and my heart-
- Oh, man, that felt good!
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah!
Oh!
Ah.
Of course, now I wonder...
- Hm.
Hm.
Yes, apparently it
is possible to kill God.
Hm.
Still feel like I'm
forgetting something.
- They're
always screaming at me.
I can't understand 'em. He's
gotta do something about it.
- Can, can I get another one?
Um...
Okay, look.
Travers. Travers!
- Me?
- How could I forget something?
Omnipotence knows no exceptions!
Unless I didn't
create this universe.
I...
I just hacked it.
Which would mean that...
I'm limited.
Just another meek little...
No, no, no!
Well, maybe.
Not for long.
- Do these look even?
Oh!
Oh, that is really getting old.
So, um, about what we
were talking about earlier.
- Hey, thank you.
- Okay, um...
So, so you and that Helter guy
were coming
here to kill me because-
- Stolen reactor.
- Stolen reactor, right.
I knew that radio
show was a mistake.
But, but just so I'm clear,
you're not gonna kill me now?
- No.
You wanna know the
secret to a long life?
Know your limitations.
The other you
killed my men with his mind!
Look. I'm
outta here.
I'm gonna go
home, call my grandkids,
and tell 'em I love 'em.
- Wow! You...
You, you're married?
With, with kids and grandkids?
That's amazing.
- The fuck's
that supposed to mean?
- Didn't mean to offend, I...
It's just that you're literally
a professional murderer.
I mean, does your
wife know about that?
- She thinks it's hot.
And it is.
- Well...
Good for you, and her.
- Mm.
- Some people are
just meant for love.
Some aren't.
- Ah, bullshit.
Abusers, rapists, drug
dealers, murderers, politicians,
pricks on YouTubes,
worst people imaginable,
most still
find someone to love 'em
in spite of being
worthless fuckin' garbage!
And that includes you.
Now, your problem
is that you don't know
how to love yourself, and
nobody can help you with that,
but you.
Ah!
- I loved myself, today.
- Look, I don't know
what the fuck that means,
but I'll tell you, you
wanna learn to love yourself,
you've gotta find the
angriest, ugliest part of you
and show that son of a
bitch they're beautiful.
- You must have
to do that a lot.
- Screw you.
I'm beautiful.
You don't believe
me, just ask my grandkids.
Where you goin'?
- Following your advice.
It's time to meet my maker.
- Hey, you try to talk to
that guy and you're gonna die!
- Wouldn't be the first time.
Oh!
Come on!
Get over it!
That's why I don't tip!
What the hell is that?
- Looks like a buildup
of stacked singularities,
if you ask me.
- That's...
Yeah.
Holy shit!
- And I think we know,
say it out loud together,
who's starting these fires.
Illegal Canadians.
That's right, Illegal Canadians
coming down from Canada
building themselves these fires,
because as you know,
they can't buy a home.
Look, go grab your
mom, tell her you love her.
- Oh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Come on.
Pick up, pick up!
- Hello?
- Hey, uh, Delilah?
Yeah, it's, it's Tim.
The, uh, the,
the time travel guy?
I, uh, I just
wanted to say I'm sorry.
- Oh, this oughta be rich.
- I just wanted you to know that
we're clearly not
going to be a thing, um...
- You seriously
called to tell me that?
- And! And
to apologize.
I know I saw a lot of
ugly versions of myself today,
and I'm pretty
sure you did, too!
So, I'm sorry things
got so out of control,
and I'm sorry that I failed.
It's just something that I do.
I don't know why I do it.
- Honestly, Tim, it's fine.
I mean, it was fucked up,
but there's a middle ground
between hate and love and...
That's us.
The middle people.
- Thanks. I'm gonna try
and put all this back together.
- I thought you
said you weren't gonna try
to make us a thing?
- No, no, no. I
meant the universe!
- What about it?
- Well, what do you
mean, "What about it?"
Have you looked out your wi...
- Goodbye, Tim, and maybe
try to be nicer to yourself.
Literally.
- Believe it or not,
that is actually the idea.
- Fuck.
- I love you, baby.
- So, that's
how Bigfoot does it.
- I choose not
to believe in that.
- I remember you.
You're the one that said a
few hours can change a person.
Well, you have no
idea how right you were.
Do you know what
it's like to fall forever?
- Skip.
I know the universe is
a creation in your head,
Russian nesting doll
style, and that you're God.
Royce filled me in.
I figured out on the way over
that you
couldn't actually be God
and must've just
hacked the system.
And judging by the unraveling,
I'm guessing you
figured that out, too,
and you're not
taking it very well.
- I'm unmaking this
universe one paradox at a time,
mounting like
gravity into a singular point
that will break
the whole of creation.
- As one does.
- I even murdered the
younger versions of us,
just to get warmed up.
- How did that go?
- Yeah.
Well, there was a lot
of crying, but you know.
Children.
- Damn. Damn,
dude, that, that is dark.
That...
I mean, I mean that
is, that is fucked up.
Like, even for us.
- Well, tell that to Potato!
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? You're right!
You're right, and now
that I'm, I'm thinking about it,
maybe the
reason that we are so alone
is because we are
all so fucking awful!
- That's us.
- No.
no, no, no, no, no, no.
That, that's me.
You are
something else, entirely.
Like, I don't know
what eternity did to you,
but whatever it is, it's ugly.
It's childish!
I may be the worst
person in the world, but you,
you scared, small,
whimpering glitch in the system,
you are the worst
version of the worst guy
of all fucking time!
- Second to none, baby.
- So that's it. That's it?
You're just
gonna burn it all down
until there's nothing
left but a little whining child
having a temper
tantrum because he's lonely?
- Burn, baby, burn!
- Is that really what you want?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, um...
Sorry. That was
literally building forever.
They left me in a black hole.
They left me
alone, literally forever.
- Yeah, that wasn't cool.
Not that it matters, but
I wasn't a part of that, so...
- Guess that
makes you the best of us.
- Grading on a curve.
What is that?
- Oh, that's the...
That's the center.
The universe never
used to have a center,
but, but now that it's broken,
that's the
center of what's left.
Please?
Let's find out together?
- Why not?
- And you are?
- I am that I am.
I am that which decided that
one plus one would equal two,
that structured the graviton.
I am the
simulator of your universe.
- And a dude.
Delilah owes us five bucks.
- "Dude" is an
oversimplification.
My full aspect simply
exceeds your comprehension.
- Try me.
- All right.
What can I do for you?
- Is there a meaning of life?
- Yes.
- Seriously?
- Yes!
But it has
nothing to do with humans.
The purpose of life is,
uh, um, how do I phrase this,
to maximize a specific numerical
output via this simulation.
I realize that must
be totally wasted on you.
- Not really.
It's like a high score.
- Perfect analogy.
The meaning of existence is
for me to achieve a high score.
Humanity is a randomly
generated background element.
- So, the creator of all things
didn't even have a hand in us?
- But that had to be obvious.
You're not even near the
good part of your own galaxy!
You'd have to be
insane to observe this
and to think that
you somehow had relevance.
- We broke your simulation.
- Unfortunately.
- Then, ipso facto, Tim Travers
is the most important person
in the entire universe, ever.
Hell yeah!
- I hope that
high five was worth it.
And now, I have to
reset this universe.
- What gives you that authority?
- How are you not following
this? I am literally God.
- But what, what
does that mean, exactly?
Like, do you exist
as a part of this world?
Or are you the,
the sentience of all matter?
Or do you exist in a
world apart from this?
- I exist beyond
your comprehension.
- Right, right. Got it.
Another world
that ours is nested in,
is beyond our comprehension,
except that it's not.
So, in that place, what are you?
- I am the Alpha and Omega.
- That is not what I asked, God!
To others like
you, what are you?
You could call me a storyteller.
- What does that mean?
- I create a story and
share it with others of my kind,
for spiritual growth.
And compensation.
- Like, like a novelist?
- In only the
most reductive terms.
- But you have a publisher.
- It's complicated. Uh...
Self-publishing.
- Oh!
He isn't even published!
- So, so, so you're a,
uh, unpublished novelist
who is simulating a, uh...
Wait. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
A simulation is a game.
But that's, that's
what you meant by high score?
I mean, that's not an analogy!
That's just you
trying to hit the high score
in a management game!
- You exist because I say so!
- You didn't
even make it, did you?
A, a better,
more talented God did.
Then you bought it and
plugged in a bunch of variables
to see what would happen and...
And we are a retail product
for a bored, failed writer!
- Self-publishing is a
respected step
in the literary process.
It is not my fault that you
don't understand the industry!
And you need to show me some
respect, since I can end time.
- "Oh, and I'm Time God!"
Your threat is meaningless.
There are no stakes here!
Just like everything
else, this isn't about you.
- Why are you so...
Mean?
- Well, when you die,
you can ask your creator
for an explanation.
- So, uh, we're gonna
remake the universe, right?
It'll be different.
No more people.
Just physics, math.
Pure, sweet silence.
- You can't be serious!
- Do you even need me here?
- No!
- No!
What's your novel
even about, anyway?
- Oh, um, it's about a rich boy
who finds himself
on the mean streets.
And by "finds
himself", I mean finds himself.
- Stop, stop. Awful, no.
- And I, I don't mean
just like stop talking.
I mean, stop writing.
Go back to what I assume
was a perfectly good IT job,
and be thankful
that you have it.
- Enough!
This universe is over!
And when I
create my next universe,
it'll be so much
neater than this one.
And mostly because...
No Tim Travers.
No whiny little mother...
- Wait.
What happened?
- Oh, I booted him
out of the game.
Don't worry, though.
Guys like him
can't code for shit.
- So, about that
whole new universe.
- A universe of me and only me.
- What about everyone else?
- What about them?
Please, name one
person that you met today
that wasn't
just completely awful.
- But then we won't have a
chance to know if we're wrong!
Rapists, abusers, murderers,
politicians, YouTubers.
They're the worst people ever!
Most of them will still find
love, in spite of themselves.
And I know for a
fact that we can, too.
- How do you know?
- Because I did.
It wasn't long, but it ended...
It ended badly.
But for a second
there, I knew what it felt like.
- What did it feel like?
- Felt like...
Coming up for air.
If you've been
holding your breath forever.
- How?
I mean, while none of
us were paying attention,
you just somehow stumbled
into a romantic subplot?
- A few hours
can change a person.
- I wanna believe that...
No. No,
no, no.
All this proves is that
we are different people now.
You found it. I, I didn't.
I...
I won't.
Some people...
Some people are better alone.
Deserve to be alone.
People like me.
People who...
- I love you, Tim Travers.
And I don't
want you to be alone.
But that's up to you, buddy.
- What the fuck was that?
I...
Oh.
Right.
This again.
I guess it doesn't have to be.
Hm.
Ah, what the fuck. Why not?
Just...
Just take one
point of infinite energy.
Ah, yes.
And then add will.
Time.
And that should make...
Should get
one
big
ba...
Really?
- My god, what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Come on!
Ow!
Ah!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Oh, what was I thinking?
Oh, my god.
I can't believe
I almost did that.
I've got a date tonight!
Tim, what were you thinking?
Oh!
Hoo!
But on the other hand...
- Dumb ass!
- Fuck!
- Ow, ow, ow! Fuck!
Oh, fuck!
God damn it!
Why is that so hot?
- It's okay. Just, uh...
Thanks, I'm just looking for,
uh, looking for an affidavit.
You may
have noticed in the news,
I am part of a pretty
rough divorce, and it is, uh...
It's a real
motherfucker, so uh, I am not-
- Going live in 10.
- Fuck.
We gotta get going, so...
By the way,
she's, uh, she's a witch.
I don't know if
you believe in witches,
but I think she's got
a cauldron and everything.
Welcome,
questioners, truth seekers,
and good ol'
fashioned angry Americans.
Welcome to "The Rant"!
I'm James Bunratty,
and this is "Bunratty's Rants".
Now, I don't
need to tell you folks
what's wrong with the
broken scientific establishment.
Of course, the
people that bought it,
I'm sure they
think it's working great,
but it is not for us.
It is not for real Americans.
That's why I think
you're gonna love today's guest.
He is an
alternative science guy.
He knows how to
think outside the paradigm.
He has witnessed
the corruption firsthand,
and I think that you
are going to be shocked today,
truth seekers, that's right.
Well, anyway, what I'm saying is
what you're going to
probably say is pretty shocking
to a lot of people
that don't listen to the show.
And to those
newbies, I just wanna say,
welcome to "The Rant".
Let's get right into it.
Dr. Tim Travers,
I am fascinated by your work.
Tell us exactly what
the Time Travelers Paradox is.
Dr.
Travers?
- Oh, right.
- Welcome to the show.
- A few corrections there. Uh,
one, I'm not a doctor.
And two,
while I'm not mainstream,
I am definitely not an
"alternative" scientist.
- The difference being?
- One is for bored
housewives with crystals
and closet racists.
- Oh, we got a show today!
Do we not, out there?
That's right. Yeah,
we can have some fun here.
That was a good one.
But my audience knows
who the man of truth is.
And who is that?
- Bunratty, Bunratty!
- James Bunratty.
Now, besides, fast talker,
how would you
know the difference?
You just said yourself
that you weren't a real doctor.
- I was kicked out of
school for behavioral reasons,
but my grades were excellent.
- Yeah. Establishment
elites, am I right?
I mean, who decided that they
were the purveyors of truth?
- Education?
Peer review? Uh...
Hygiene?
- Okay.
You're arguing that
time travel is possible,
which is, even for
this show, quite out there.
So, why don't you
just, uh, hold your roll, pal?
- Well, I am sitting in a
radio station in the year 2026,
so I think that
it might be possible.
Is that, is that a reel-to-reel?
- Yes!
That's a reel-to-reel given
to me by Carl Sagan's assistant!
I married her too, all right?
Yeah, so I didn't
invite you on this show
to insult my
audience, or me, or my team.
- No, you invited me
because Mothman was busy
and I was bored.
- The Time Travelers Paradox.
Tell us about it.
- Hm.
It's a thought experiment.
How much do you
need me to dumb this down?
- Just a little bit.
- Agree to disagree.
First, a scientist
makes a time machine.
That loops back exactly
one minute into the past.
- Oh, is that all?
- Then the scientist
kills his younger self.
- As he does.
- Oh!
Yeah!
Now you have a man who
should not and cannot exist.
Yet, somehow does.
That is the paradox.
Paradoxes are impossible.
- Man, you are very smart,
but I would hate to
go to dinner with you.
If you're just joining us,
we have not-doctor Tim Travers.
And while you're at it,
pick up some of
Bunratty's Blast Vitamins.
And while we're there,
we have our own version of HGH.
It's not the dangerous kind
that Sylvester Stallone uses.
No, it is Bunratty's HGA.
That's right, HGA.
We'll be right back.
Great job, man.
- Well, shit.
Um...
Observation one. Uh...
Light, or at least
the perception of light,
can only move one
way through the machine.
I can see into the past,
but can't see into the future.
That makes sense, intuitively.
Um...
Observation two.
The fuck!
I have, um,
murdered my younger self,
and, and causality
appears to be unaffected,
like, like completely
unaffected,
which makes no sense.
I refer you to my
aforementioned, "The fuck!"
Theory one. Um...
Time travel has,
has not taken place at all.
Instead, I have been
transported to a
identical universe.
Problematic theory. Um...
Since that the machine might
work as a fancy teleporter,
sending me to
a, by wild coincidence,
place that just so
happens to be indistinguishable
from my own
past, seems unlikely.
Hmm.
Theory two.
I have time traveled
in the conventional sense.
Please excuse my abuse
of the word "conventional".
Um...
Time is a
dimension in its own right.
Therefore, causality must be
limited by the speed of light,
which prevents the
paradox from ever catching up.
How the hell am I
even supposed to test that?
Theory three. Um...
Uh, my presence has spawned a
new universe via my
interaction with it.
Now, that's...
That's an interesting one.
If my interaction is the
seed, then, then from my frame,
no other traveler
could impact my timeline.
But, but, but the
traveler could continually
impact other timelines.
Now, that, that's testable!
I just, I just need to have a...
I just, I just need
to repeat the experiment!
- Now we're getting somewhere!
As theorized, my own
timeline remains unaffected!
Oh.
Oh, crap.
Forgot about that.
Now there's a thought.
- Now we're getting somewhere!
As theorized, my own
timeline remains unaffected!
- Sorry.
- What the hell, man?
- It was an impulse.
I was trying to
catch myself by surprise.
- That's moronic!
- Don't be a dick.
Right.
- Right.
Twice!
Wait, wait, wait, wait, wait!
- Right.
Eww.
No, no.
Date, date!
- Hey!
Excuse you, fucko!
Yeah, 20 minutes late.
Bet ya five bucks
he doesn't even show up.
Nah, ah, ah, ah.
That's mine.
That's yours.
- Wow.
Are you, uh...
Are you like this all the time?
- Yep.
- Kinda like it.
- That's real.
- Dr. Travers?
- Still not a doctor.
- Yeah, whatever.
Listen. You are
belittling James a lot.
He doesn't like it.
Hell, he hates it.
So, please, on behalf of
the entire production staff-
- Well, he's
been dead for like 44 years.
- Keep doing it.
- You ever been
in a room with Paul McCartney?
- It is delicious.
- Exactly!
"Defamation"?
What about free speech?
Well, of course I made it up!
What does that
have to do with anything?
- You go, James!
We believe in you.
Hm.
I eat this shit up.
- So, you're not into the whole-
- Mm, bored housewives with
crystals and closet racists?
Nah, no.
I thought this would
be a great post-college gig
while I figured out what
to do with my life, but, um,
that was 15 years ago,
because time is a cruel bitch.
- Yeah,
it's on the Moon!
By the moon, I mean my ass.
- I'm Delilah.
I stopped talking.
- What?
- Yeah, a while ago.
I'm sorry, is...
Is my life story boring to you,
or are you just incredibly rude?
- Not mutually exclusive.
- Wow!
- Sorry, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
I am distracted, but
it's not because you're boring.
You're not, you're not boring.
Um, today was just a weird day.
- How weird was your day?
- Uh, honest answer?
- Yeah.
- Well, today,
I activated a time machine
that is powered by nuclear
materials
that were stolen from
a terrorist organization.
And, uh...
Then I went back in
time and killed my younger self
repeatedly, and I have
no idea how that's possible.
- I'm sorry. I
wasn't listening.
- What? What?
- See?
It's rude, and I was listening.
Great bit.
You're not doing a bit.
Okay.
All right.
- Yeah, I've got eyes on him.
Doesn't look like much.
Just a waiting game now.
Oh, yes. Hi.
Uh, I'll have a Shirley Temple,
easy on the grenadine.
- Sure.
- Thank you very much.
- You know, um...
Seeing you
make James suffer was fun,
but this
whole mad scientist shtick
it's like, it's
like performance art.
I'm just waiting for the
cameras to pop out.
- I avoid cameras.
- Are your friends in on this?
- I don't have friends.
- Oh, gross.
Not even as a kid?
- Timothy Oliphant Travers!
Are those real?
- No, Mom!
I'm just using
the electric potato.
- All right.
I do not want a repeat
of the Guinea pig incident!
Only shock the potato.
- Yes, Mother.
- Oh, I'm gonna
have to dig another hole.
- Went through a lot
of friends, but that's fine.
Learning how to be by
yourself is a reward of its own.
- You know, to a point, but,
it's hard to
take that armor off.
- Some people don't
have the choice, so...
It's also fine, because
I don't need other people.
- Hm!
That's a thing that people say,
when they think
they're better and smarter.
- I didn't mean it like that,
but I am better and smarter.
Look. I don't share other
people's values in the abstract.
Take time travel.
A paradox will
literally break reality,
and a reality
broken can be rewritten.
- Ominous, but yeah, I get it.
You hate that people
wanna use it for time tourism.
Oh, kinda like when a lady
discovers she has superpowers,
and it's like, "Oh, no,
but what, what does this mean
for my job and relationship?"
And I'm like, "Bitch,
you've got superpowers!"
Yeah! Like,
laser your boss to death!
Throw your loser
boyfriend into the sun and, and,
and go conquer the
world, like a sane person.
- Exactly. Thank you.
- Crush the peasants.
- It's misplaced priorities.
It's like, you know, working
on a, on a, on a work project
when someone is
actively trying to kill you.
- Right,
right, or going on a date,
when you're about
to conquer the world.
- Right.
- What're you doing?
But what?
- You are absolutely right.
- Did, did I say that?
I, I don't think I said that.
I said something
about crushing peasants,
but that was more for me.
- I need to get back to the lab.
- What?
Right, right now?
- Yeah.
- You may not know
this, but a woman driving
halfway across the city
in the middle of murderville
is kind of a,
it's kind of a leap of faith.
That's not lost on you?
- It is not.
- So...
You're, you're,
you're joking, right?
You're trolling me for a goof,
because you're an ass like that.
- I am, but I am not.
- Well, I don't
have to be polite anymore
because you're the
one who's standing me up.
So, figure out where you
are on the spectrum, dick weed,
and then go fuck yourself!
Fuck off.
Bye!
Fuck you, and
fuck you, and fuck you!
Fuck you guys, too!
Hey, you, with the French braid!
You suck!
Fuck off!
This fuckin' bar is shit!
Fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Is she pointing to us?
- Fuck you!
- Oh, my God.
Ow!
I'm not, um...
I've been checked.
Many times.
Um...
At worst, it's a,
it's a case of mild psychosis.
Which is unrelated.
So, you know what?
I don't need the
judgment right now.
And also, honestly, it's
kinda fucked up that you would
make fun of somebody
for being on the spectrum.
Fuck!
Just fuck off!
- But I didn't say anything.
- You also
forgot to charge them.
- Crap!
- Had to know, you know?
Maybe there was something there.
Why am I telling you?
You're just a localized
wormhole, not a person.
I know, I know, I know.
Back to work!
Alone.
Boys.
First rule of science!
Repeat the experiment.
Verify results.
This is gonna suck.
- You did say
this was gonna suck.
- Motherfucker!
Come on!
- Ow!
Why did you...
- Come on, now!
Oh!
- Okay, okay.
Okay, okay, okay.
Okay, all right.
How about this?
Hypothetically,
let's say you make it work.
You break
the world, for no point,
but to prove that you can do it.
What then?
Is a time machine that
goes back one minute useful?
- That, that is a good question.
- Yeah, well,
this is all about questions.
- Not good ones.
Results prove...
Consistent.
30-plus loops and still
no perceivable paradox, so...
Fuck.
Hold, hold on.
Hold on.
- Results prove consistent.
30-plus loops and still
no perceivable paradox, so...
Yes, hi.
Um, here's where I'm at on this.
We can safely
conclude the observer's frame
cannot be impacted.
- You're, you're
impacting me right now.
- Don't interrupt.
What we're
testing is theory two,
in which case, you didn't exist
until about 10 seconds ago,
but now that you do, however,
your frame
cannot be impacted again.
- Right.
- So, how do I test that?
- Got it.
You kill me.
Um...
- No, no, no, no!
Not, not this me.
- You, however,
your frame cannot be impacted.
- That me.
- How do test that?
- I got it.
You kill me.
Not, not this me.
- Jesus!
- Okay, so
that version of me died,
but I didn't, so, that holds.
- I'm sorry,
what, what, what holds?
- Oh, he affected my
timeline, and I wanted to prove
that he couldn't do it a
second time, which of course-
- Supports theory three.
I get it.
Don't spoon feed me.
- Does everybody
else want a drink?
Cool, it's cool.
- What the fuck?
- Oh, my head.
Oh!
What's with the, the name tag?
- Trust me, you're all gonna
be wanting these soon enough.
All right?
Anyway, we were arguing
the merits of theory three.
- Ah, but what if
it's theory two, hm?
And it's just the one timeline,
but it's limited
by the speed of light.
- Good question.
- Uh...
I mean, who cares, though?
It's, it's...
You can't control
for it, so it's pointless.
- We, we can!
We just have to go
the other way through!
- What?
- What?
- What?
- Just stick with me here. Um...
It's been six
hours since, since he-
- Mm-mm, mm-mm.
- You started
the first loop, right?
So, the paradox, if it's
moving at the speed of light,
happened one
minute in your past.
If we go the
other way, we could see it!
That's our control!
- You get all that?
- Yeah pretty straightforward.
- Mm.
- Mm-hm.
- Well, doesn't matter,
'cause the machine
doesn't work like that.
- It can! It can!
We just have to
figure out how to slow the...
Slow the, the...
Look, I need,
I need, I need visual aids.
So, let's just grab
some of these, and just do it,
do it, ow, the other way, ow!
- All right, the coast is clear.
Come on, pick those up.
- Jesus.
- I need a drink!
- Yeah, yep, yep.
- It's gonna be fine.
- All right.
- What?
You!
- Which me?
Sorry.
Hard to explain.
How are you?
What're you doing back here?
- I forgot my scarf.
What are you doing here?
I thought you had
to go back to the lab?
- Wasn't that yesterday?
- No! It was
two hours ago.
- Two hours?
- Yes!
- Wow. I did
way too many loops.
- "Loops"? What is
that, some kind of drink?
- Yes?
- Really?
Come buy me one.
- Oh, oh, oh, oh.
- You owe me! Come on!
- Hm? Hm?
- Oh, great! There
goes the only sober one.
I'm just too, too,
too drunk to math right now.
- I know some
assholes who aren't.
- The machine only
loops one minute back!
Why did you think that 21
drunks would be an improvement?
- I said I'm ordering coffee!
24-hour coffee delivery.
- Yeah,
it's beautiful out here.
- God
bless capitalism.
- Yeah, it took me about
20 minutes to get out here.
- Bless it, I said!
Look.
I don't know who's following me,
but you picked the
wrong guy to be doing this...
- That was worth the wait.
I never get to use the shotgun,
man. It's like too loud.
But this place?
You're so in the middle of
nowhere here, I...
I couldn't resist.
Oh, fuck. Shit.
Hold up, hold up.
Uh, supposed to
read you something.
Ah, here we go.
"Mr. Travers,
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today he is teaching you..."
You listening?
Shit!
"The Kingmaker
is above such things.
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today he is teaching
the consequences of
stealing from better men.
Then shoot him." Then...
Then shoot him!
Right!
Crap.
Oh, well.
- No, no, stop it. No.
But seriously, seriously.
That did sound
like a gunshot earlier.
- No, no, no, no.
It's just a, a firework.
They're, uh...
Kids, they
get in here, and they,
they set 'em off all the time.
- Uh, you're cool with that?
- Yeah! Yeah,
I mean, kids need to get hurt.
Like, fewer
fingers, stronger moral...
Whatever.
- Okay, you...
You're actually fun.
But only when
you've been drinking.
Announcement!
The do-over date is
officially a success!
- So, so
being drunk is a, a plus to you?
- Oh, yeah, yeah.
It makes it easier to
get what I want, like answers.
Like, why, Mr.
Mad Scientist Man? Why?
- Isn't curiosity enough?
- No.
I am curious about crypto,
but I'm curious,
because the more I know,
the easier it is
to game the suckers.
I am curious about conspiracies
because someone will
always pay to believe it.
I'm curious about sensitivity
because humans
love to control others
while telling themselves
they're the good guys.
Curiosity always has an
agenda, for people like me.
Me and you.
So, really.
What is it that you want?
- I want what everyone wants.
To stand alone with
God at the end of time
and tell the bastard off.
- Humble.
And I bet ya
five bucks God's a she.
- Our world is shit.
It's definitely a he.
- Mm.
- Okay!
Let's go over
this one more time.
- Why?
- Volume!
I thought Eta
was bringing coffee.
- The machine works by
using entangled particles.
Now, one particle is
tied to the entrance door.
That's the door
moving forward through time.
The other particle is
run through the accelerator,
slowing its frame down
to a near standstill in time.
- Who are you
explaining this for?
- That particle is tied
to the exit-
- We all know this!
- I'm not ashamed to
admit this is actually helping.
- But Alpha.
- Mm-mm.
- Alpha?
Alpha, Alpha, Alpha has
been on this side of the door,
for longer than one minute.
So, that means that the paradox
has overtaken
the time difference!
- We know!
Ow!
The fuck!
Fuckin' asshole.
- Perfect timing.
The problem is that the door
only opens backwards in time.
Send something
through the exit door,
and it's just a normal door.
But use the
entrance door, and...
- Ow! What the fuck?
- See? I just
threw that back in time.
Hit Epsilon on the head and
started that particular loop.
- Sorry, but where
did the football come from?
- So, we just
need to bring both doors
into the same time frame,
allowing us to
travel the other way through,
which, in theory, would
let us catch up to the paradox!
- Uh...
Uh, seriously. Where did
the, uh, football come from?
- What
about the multiverse?
- Which franchise?
- God's.
- A multiverse
is, is too convenient, right?
It's not different versions
of our lives. It's really-
- I love the multiverse.
I love all the
different versions of me.
- Oh.
Okay.
- It doesn't matter if I
fuck up, because they made it.
I like knowing that.
There are some days I...
I need that.
- But if they succeeded,
does that make them you?
I mean, maybe...
Maybe failing is
what makes you you.
Maybe, maybe failure
is your defining trait.
By which, I mean, um...
- Recover.
Recover fast.
- Would you like to see my lab?
- Okay.
But seriously, fuck you.
- So, this is the, uh...
The lab! Um...
Which we have all to ourselves.
Apparently.
- Why wouldn't we?
Oh, right! Your
time-looped friends.
- Okay, okay.
Uh, uh, uh, that's the wall.
That's the, uh,
the closet over there.
That's a human hamster wheel.
That's the time machine.
Coffeemaker's broken.
And that's basically
it, so we should probably,
probably go, right?
- I'm sorry.
"Human hamster wheel"?
- That's, that's the
piece you were impressed by?
Oh, okay. Um,
yeah, I mean, uh...
I was trying a thing,
but it didn't really work.
Just too many feces.
- Wow. Wow.
I never thought I
would be into a, um, LARPer.
But
your commitment is like...
- Uh, sorry. What?
- This! The,
the toy guns, that prop!
- My time machine is not a prop.
- That.
That right there.
The commitment to
the fantasy, I am...
Ooh, I am into it.
If I could afford to
support a LARP like this,
I don't even know
what I would do with it.
I, uh...
Ah.
Paid LARP vacations.
No, somebody must be doing that.
If you could classify it
as porn,
you could have the
staff screw the customers.
- Eww!
- Oh, don't be a prude.
- No, no, no, no, no, no.
Eww to, to LARPing!
I mean, this? This is real!
This is my, my life's work!
- Okay, drop it already!
Talk like a normal person,
and not someone
trying to sound smart!
It's just not healthy!
I bet ya
five bucks you just spend
too much time
talking to yourself.
Oh, my God.
- Uh, Delilah, this-
- Okay!
Get away from me!
- No, not that way!
Probably fine, right?
- If I could afford to
support a LARP like this,
I don't even know
what I would do with it.
I, uh...
Ah.
Paid LARP vacations.
No, somebody must be doing that.
If you could
classify it as porn, you...
No! Oh!
- Oh, my god.
- Oh, my god!
- What the hell was that?
Damn it, did you
drop something again?
- Whoa, whoa, whoa!
- Why would you do that?
- Holy shit!
- Just, just,
just give me the gun.
- Give him the gun!
- Stay back! All
of you, stay back!
- Just calm down.
- Be cool, man!
- Shut up, you freak!
- Let's not be
hypocritical here.
- So?
How did the date go?
What?
- Delilah? Delilah, look-
- Don't you dare follow me!
- Don't, don't worry, we won't.
Come on.
Like, a bunch of
guys chasing a lone woman
around their
private compound at night?
It's not exactly a
great, a great look. Um...
probably
shouldn't have said that.
- No shit!
Listen, I don't
have a box to put this in
that will
fit in my brain without,
bet ya five
bucks, exploding my head.
So, let's just forget
this ever happened.
- Trust me, it, it happened.
- But reality is
subjective, so no.
- Subjective?
Tell her that!
- Nope!
Oh, fuck!
Motherfuckin'
shit dick slug nug!
Whoa!
- Thanks for the jugs!
Evening.
- Travers?
- All right.
Let's get going.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
Yes.
- You're Tim Travers.
- We've established that.
- You're not gonna believe
this, but earlier tonight,
I met a guy who
looked exactly...
I mean, exactly like you.
- Just have one of
those faces, I guess.
- You do!
- Yeah.
Okay, I'm
gonna get going, so, uh,
you have a lovely
little evening or whatever.
Jesus Christ!
- Ah, shit!
Uh, "The Kingmaker is a
teacher."
Fuck, I did it again.
Stupid fuckin' note.
- I mean, I didn't even
know that the gun was loaded.
- So, does anyone else
think it's a little weird
that she shot her other self?
I mean, I get that we did
that as part of the experiment.
She didn't know that.
I mean, maybe that
was just some other woman
that looked a lot like her.
Just a little weird that, uh,
murder was her go-to response.
I liked her.
- You saw no red flags there?
- She did mention something
about "crushing peasants"?
- Oh!
I see what's going on here.
You thought that
she would fix you!
- Fuck you!
- Oh, fuck you.
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
Guys, just,
let's just chill, okay?
- Fuck you, too.
- Fuck off!
- Fuck you!
- Fuck both of you.
- Fuck all of you!
- Fuck that, too!
- All right.
I'm just gonna gonna say it.
- Fuck you, motherfucker!
- You all
thinking what I'm thinking?
- That's exactly
what I'm thinking.
- Tim Travers?
Go fuck yourself.
- Fuck yeah.
- Oh, yeah!
- What's that for?
- Mood music.
- Okay.
Okay, uh...
Hold on.
You know what?
Let's turn it up.
- Yeah, it's
pick-up from here on, buddy.
- Hey. Hey,
how are you?
Um, the uh, orgy's happening.
- Oh, ho, ho, ho!
Well, it's about time!
Woo!
- Yes.
That'll work.
I...
I figured it out.
I did it!
You guys, we...
Where is everybody?
- Hold that other leg.
- Oh, yeah!
Stop licking me.
- Who are you?
- They asked me
to hold the coffee.
- Say my name.
Say my name, Tim!
Say my name, Tim!
- Tim, Tim, Tim.
Say my name.
Say my name, Tim!
Tim!
- Delta, no names.
- Oh, God. I
feel so close to you right now.
- No,
lick there, lick there.
- Okay, but what about the soul?
How does time travel account
for two spirits
occupying the same space?
- The same way that it accounts
for unicorns and dragons
or other shit that isn't real!
We are just meat!
The meaning
of life is to eat, shit,
fuck to create more meat,
and repeat, until we die, alone!
In the end...
All of us are alone.
- We'll be right
back with more Tim Travers
and his super
happy outlook on life.
- I'm so confused.
How does someone
affiliate the time dilation
of an accelerated
particle to a door frame?
- Okay, you're not listening.
I need you to hear me, okay?
This guy is crazy. I think,
I think he might be a terrorist.
- Oh, honey.
Weirdo or no, labeling
somebody with that term?
- He's white.
- Uh, oh, shit. Yeah,
definitely a terrorist then.
What is this guy's name?
- Tim.
Tim Travers.
- Who?
Who?
- Tim Travers!
- Who in the fuck...
- Oh, my!
- Whoa.
- I hate this town.
I hate everyone
in it, so, so much!
Bet ya five bucks I've
had a weirder day than you.
- You're on.
You guys have no idea.
- It's gonna hold.
- It's too much power.
It's classic Tim.
- You sluts!
- Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
We do not need the judgment.
Where, where'd
you get the coffee?
- Sorry.
Last cup.
Delivery guy
must've stolen the rest.
I bet you forgot to tip.
- Fuck you, motherfucker!
- Damn.
- So?
How was, uh...
It?
- Amazing.
- Incredible.
- Best sex ever.
- Obviously great!
Uh...
- Pretty bland, honestly.
Oh. Oh,
I'm sorry.
I thought we were
done jerking each other off.
It was great!
- In all fairness,
a great bonding experience.
And, uh, I learned some
things about myself, and...
- Tau!
How about you go
get us some more coffee?
Go.
Go now.
Now!
- You're just jealous that
no one invited you to the orgy.
- Ooh!
- Get.
Out.
- "Go get the coffee, Tau.
Hold my wrench, Tau.
Lube is for sissies, Tau."
Well, that's why no one invited
you to the orgy, asshole!
And you are?
Whoa.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, man.
- I don't know how you're
doing this, but it won't work.
Decoys?
Body doubles?
Magic tricks? I
don't fuckin' care.
I will do this all
goddamn night, if I have to,
because I am a professional!
- Okay, I think there has
been a big misunderstanding!
- Shut up!
I have a message for
you from The Kingmaker.
- Oh, shit. That guy, um-
- "Mr.
Travers.
Do not think of this
as punishment or revenge.
The Kingmaker is
above such things.
The Kingmaker is a teacher,
and today, he is
teaching you the consequences
of stealing from better men."
There.
I said it.
I read the whole damn message.
And now, I just
wanna be absolutely sure
that I'm killing
the right guy this time.
So, are you Tim Travers?
- No?
- Liar!
- Oh.
You're the, uh, the Tim
that wasn't taking
anyone's crap earlier, right?
- Yeah.
I mean, come off it, right?
Yeah, it's like we're all
putting on this performance,
and for who?
- Our egos.
Anyway, it was, good on you.
- No, you'd have done the same.
- I didn't, though.
Which is weird, right?
I mean, maybe
the, uh, experience drift
between individual
Tims is, is growing.
- Well, a few
hours can change a person.
- Yeah, that's what my doctor...
Oh.
- I'll get that.
Here.
- Oh, thanks.
I'm just...
- Oh, fuck! That's hot.
Which is why it will
double the energy output,
and also the radiation.
- Well, what about matter?
- Yeah, I think that matters!
- No, no. What about matter?
Every time we create a new Tim,
where is the matter
coming from, you know?
- Huh.
We must be pulling it from
somewhere else in the Universe.
The equivalent to 20...
No, no, 30 30?
- Tims.
- Ah, fuck.
That's too many Tims.
- Yeah, I'd say.
Thank you, Jason McKee,
for that insightful report on
postpartum depression for men.
On to national news tonight,
at a Mississippi church,
30 parishioners
appear to have been raptured.
Details are vague, but experts
are dismissing this theory,
instead arguing for
wormhole displacement theory.
In spite of the evidence...
- Shut up.
All right, everybody!
Gather round! Gather round!
All right, make a
little semicircle for me.
Close enough. I
have some sad news.
Tau Tim has been murdered.
- Oh, no, not Tau.
- Who?
- Yeah, very sad.
Anyway, somebody's
been picking off the Tims
on the coffee
runs, so from here on out,
I am imposing the buddy system.
- Boo!
- Also, this does
mean there is no coffee.
- Oh, come on!
- You've gotta be
fucking kidding me!
- I
fucking hate this place!
- She was into a multiverses?
- Exactly.
And I have this whole
theory about why multiverses
are stupid and
people like them anyway.
I tried not to say anything,
ended up being a dick anyway.
- Well...
What's your theory?
- I mean,
obviously you know it already.
- Yeah, but...
It'd be nice to
hear somebody else say it.
I'm just so tired of
hearing my own voice, you know?
- That resonates.
The multiverse isn't
different versions of our lives.
It's actually
different sets of laws.
I mean, why should one
plus one equal two, right?
I mean, why was there slightly
more matter than anti-matter?
It's the same as the entirety
of history. It's just the-
- The newest way to
put ourselves at the center.
To convince
ourselves that we matter.
- Why is not mattering so bad?
I mean, why is it so
terrifying to...
Not be the most
important person?
- It's freeing.
My mistakes are
mine and mine alone.
- As are my victories.
- In life.
- In science.
- In love?
I got it.
- What is it?
- Something
about missing coffee.
I'm honestly still trying
to figure out why our phones
are working like this.
- Someone at Verizon is
having a meltdown right now.
- Oh, shit!
Yeah, Boss?
- You know I
do not like to be kept waiting.
- Yeah,
I know, I know, but it's fine.
- Helter?
Helter!
Is the bastard dead already?
This guy
goes off-grid for a year,
and then the idiot
shows up on a podcast.
- I swear, I, I...
I don't understand.
- Do I
need to bring in Royce?
- Royce?
- Royce.
- Royce is here?
- Near enough.
So, do your job, and if I
don't hear from you in one hour,
I am bringing in Royce.
- Fuck! Fuckin' cunt fuck!
Fucking brother!
Fuck!
- I'd like to
point out to the audience,
this is the first
pause Tim has taken.
Why are you even here?
I mean, you
don't respect any of us.
You've just been
ranting at my audience
and me for two
hours, torturing us.
Did I do something to you?
Did I beat you up on a
playground somewhere when I was-
- No, no, nothing like that.
You just dumbed down
the human race a little bit.
- Why is it so important for you
to be smarter than a
guy you don't even respect?
I mean, who are you
trying to impress here?
What is the point of all this?
- Well, isn't it obvious?
If something should go wrong
when I turn on the machine,
a record would be a
pretty good thing to have.
You were the only one
who took the interview.
- With full love and respect,
I hope you die a
very painful death.
- Aww.
- No, no.
I still have mine.
- I heard
this Somebody probably-
- No, no. I told you!
- Hey!
Uh, I think that things
might be about to get weird,
or weird, weirder.
Um...
I don't know, I thought
maybe it'd be a good idea
to have a way to,
you know, recognize each other.
- Why would we need a way
to, uh, recognize each other?
- Um...
Well, because I, uh, uh...
It's cool, it's cool, it's cool.
That's, uh...
I care about, I care,
I care about that, too.
- I...
It's the, uh,
only sticker I could find.
- I love it.
- Blah.
- Breathe, baby.
We're almost home.
Power core stable?
If not, we're gonna die!
Good enough.
- Is the second particle moving?
- Yeah, yeah. Full
speed in a few seconds.
- Hey, hey,
do you smell something burning?
Eh, it's
probably my imagination.
- Iota, I've got this. You
go see the paradox.
I owe you one.
Jesus fucking Christ!
What the hell?
Okay. Let's
be cool, man.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, please.
- You said that already!
- When?
- When I killed you!
Motherfucker.
And then I killed
you at the coffee stand.
And then I was in the
restaurant with that lady-
- Fucking Delilah.
- And I killed you again.
- Oh, so, so you're the guy?
- I'm the guy.
And you...
What are you?
Are you
a god?
- Well, metaphorically,
everyone's a God,
from their own perspective, so-
- Literally!
Are you a god?
- No, no!
No, not a god.
Not a god. Not yet!
- Behind that
door lies our future!
- Or present, technically.
- What?
Whatever!
The paradox is within
our ability to understand.
To control.
Now, at long last-
- Oh, my God! get
on with it already!
- I was, you dingus!
Now, at long last...
Let's go unmake history.
- Oh, shit.
- Oh, shit!
- Fuck, fuck!
Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck!
- Oh, shit!
It's gonna go insane!
- Oh, my...
- Oh, wow!
- Don't worry! I'll help you!
Come on!
- Wait! Wait,
wait, wait, wait!
- I'm still on fire!
Put me out, put me
out, put me out!
- I, I, uh...
Help?
That did
not go
great.
- Just take it,
take it easy, okay?
That's, um...
That's gonna be bitch
a to patch up.
But you're gonna be all right.
You're gonna be all right.
I just need...
We just need to think.
I just, I just need to think.
Um...
I, I, I don't, I don't know...
I'm sorry.
- It's okay.
It's okay.
Just hang out
with me for a minute.
Please.
- Okay.
Okay.
Just one minute.
That's all you get.
- I wish there was a multiverse.
So that I could be the,
the version of me
that was brave enough to,
to tell you that...
I'm still on fire!
Thank you.
- You're welcome.
- Helter?
- King!
He made a sky beam.
A Marvel fucking sky beam!
Send in Royce!
- He's
already on his way.
- Power's down. Reactor's down.
Four Tims are dead. The
accelerator's still working.
But, uh, Iota is still missing.
It's a three-ring shit-show.
Fuck me.
- Um...
Why can we still see through it?
- 'Cause in the
future, we get it working again
and send the energy
backwards, just like the matter.
This has only
been a minor setback.
- Enough!
- Huh?
- What?
- I said, enough!
I am done.
I am, I am out!
Everything has gotten
too, too confusing and too,
too painful, too...
Too sad.
That's it.
I'm, I'm, I'm out.
- You can't leave.
You are Tim Travers!
- Well, at least I'm not you!
- We are all you!
Separated by a few hours.
- Sometimes, a few
hours can change a person.
- Delta!
Got your coffee, Delta.
Keep up with the good work, bud.
And it's the left clamp.
May I have the wrench from you?
The wrench.
The wrench!
- Ow!
- And up!
- Woo!
- I'm where you said to meet.
He's supposed to be
the frickin' expert, man!
Whoa!
- Kingmaker?
Yo, King!
Yeah, yeah. I know, I know.
Disrespectful, incompetent.
Yada, yada, yada, I know.
- He's talking
about Travers, right?
- Hey, it's no problem.
Yeah, I tell you
what I'm gonna do.
I'm gonna cut his dick
off, and feed it to him.
I'll send you pics when
I'm done, all right?
- There's more than one of
him, or he might be immortal.
He might be a god, man!
- Shh, shh, shh, shh, shh.
Hey, hey.
Relax.
A few kills under your belt,
and you think it's
gonna be smooth sailin'.
Then...
The guilt sets in.
Can't shoot guilt!
So, you start seein'
things that aren't there.
Burnout is real.
Right, fellas?
- I swear to
you, I am not crazy.
- Don't worry about it, okay?
We believe you.
In fact, you know
what I'll let you do?
I'll even let you watch.
Would you like that?
- I would like that
very much, please. Thank you.
- Let's try this again.
- Very impressive!
- Need more power!
Ready transition to the grid!
- Oh, fuck you, man!
- Faster!
- Idiots.
- For the last time, Carol.
I'm not going to harm myself!
It was a different Delilah!
Who I killed.
Fuck Tim Travers.
No, I don't mean sexually!
- As I said.
Behind that
door lies our future!
It's like Mom
always used to say.
"You're not a great person, Tim.
Hell, you're not
even a very good person.
But what you are
is a great scientist!"
No matter
how strange or bizarre,
we, we follow the evidence.
Mortal laws no longer apply
to us, and in a few seconds,
even the laws of
nature won't apply anymore!
And I know
that you know I know that
because you know
I know that you know!
Come along.
Let's go unmake history.
Holy shit! Oh, oh!
Fuck!
No, hey!
Holy fuck. We
blew up the universe.
- We can't have destroyed it!
- Then where is it?
- Gone!
- That is impossible.
- Help me!
- What the fuck about
this day has led you to believe
that anything
could be impossible?
- If
the universe were gone,
then its laws
should be gone, too.
- Why are you
talking about this right now?
- Gravity is still in play.
Where is that coming from,
if there's no more universe?
- Hey, he's right!
- What ar you?
Okay, he's right!
Pull me up!
What the fuck?
- Who cares where it's coming
from if there's no more Earth?
- I do!
You bastard!
- You just killed Zeta Tim.
- Well, yeah, but I mean,
he was creeping everybody out.
Right?
- Bad, bad. Bad, bad,
bad, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
- That's, that's it?
That's the paradox?
Just an unending black room?
- Maybe.
But I think not.
Now, stay with me on this.
Imagine the, uh,
two conflicting timelines
are more like
differently charged particles.
- But why would they do that?
- I said, "Stay with me."
Now, the paradox brings the two
differently
charged timelines together,
destroying both and removing
the conflicting information.
- The only
place that information
can be destroyed
is a singularity.
- Exactly!
Black holes reduce
information to max entropy,
which means that the
natural response in nature
to a paradox is a black hole.
- So, we didn't
destroy the universe!
We just created a black
hole in that timeline that
destroyed the Earth and, and
killed everyone that we know.
- Oh, boy.
- Hold on, hold on.
If we created a
black hole in that timeline,
then how come Zeta Tim,
when we dropped him in,
could still breathe?
- Fuck off! I don't
know everything, Sigma!
I mean, this week,
I entangled and stored particles
matched them to the
physical space of a door,
invented fucking time travel,
and may have just found a
new way to create black holes!
So, cut me some fucking slack!
- I mean, maybe, if
you were able to cheat your way
past the spaghettification
of an, of an event horizon,
then you would be moving
faster than the speed of light
and frozen in time,
relative to the universe.
But you would continue to
perceive the passage of time
as an illusion and just stay
in that state forever, maybe!
- So, Zeta Tim will be
falling through the void,
without aging or
dying, literally forever?
- Well, shit.
Now I feel bad.
- An important safety tip.
Nobody ever go the,
the other way through.
- Makes sense to me!
See, kid?
Not magic.
Just power.
- Sorry, but who the hell are...
- Oh!
- Yeah!
Nice work.
Arthritis sets in,
you gotta start delegating,
you know, as you get older.
- If I may, uh...
Is this all about
the stolen plutonium?
- Yeah. It's
about the plutonium.
How the hell do you
forget about plutonium?
- Oh, that I stole.
- It's been a weird day.
- Weird, confusing.
Really, really stupid.
Although, it's
about to get stupider!
Arrogant mortals!
You're tampering
with the very programming
of reality itself!
- Holo-Universe.
Fuckin' called it.
- Shut the fuck up!
- Who the fuck are you?
- Good question.
- Who
the fuck do you think I am?
I'm God, you
miserable little shits!
- Now, that's it. I'm done.
If God actually
exists, then I'm out.
Later, everybody.
- Hey! Did you
just let that guy leave?
- I don't understand
what's happening right now!
- Me neither. Uh...
When you say God, do you mean
like, like a god or God, God?
You know? I just,
I have some follow-up questions.
To the statement, "I am God."
- And I think you're
full of shit!
- Just to be clear...
He did not speak for the group.
- You idiot!
Hey! I dunno
what's gonna happen now!
- What are you?
- Thought I told you.
I'm the Alpha and Omega that's
about to own your bitch ass.
- Oh, you son of a fuck...
- Yeah!
- Woo!
- Shut up!
Forgot how annoying I am.
- Sorry. Um...
"I"?
- Do you know what
it's like to fall forever?
Unable to starve, unable to die.
You go mad!
You begin to create
new realities in your mind,
so as to not be
so completely alone.
You refine and
perfect each iteration,
until you can run a
simulation so flawless
that from the
frame of the beings within,
the difference between
their reality
and a physical one is semantics.
And you do it over and over,
until a perfect recreation
of your original
reality can be constructed.
That
is how you
achieve God-hood, bitches.
- So, the universe is just a
simulated reality in your head?
- Yes.
- Based on the reality
that you originated from?
- Yes!
- A reality in which you
were the Zeta Tim that we...
Sorry. He
dropped into a black hole?
- Yes.
- Dude!
- I created this
universe for the sole purpose
of arriving at this very moment.
- To tell us that
you love and forgive us?
- No.
Fuckin' why?
- Come on.
- It starts
with the cause. We will stop-
- Weren't you just-
- Yeah. I just
got one of those faces.
I know.
You would not believe the
weird shit I have seen today.
Illegal Canadians coming down-
- You buy me this
drink, and I'll blow your mind.
- As you
know, they can't buy homes-
- Listen, I...
- Live the American
dream, but no, they are poor.
And, uh, you know, my heart
goes out to 'em and my heart-
- Oh, man, that felt good!
Oh, yes.
Yes, yes, yes.
Fuck yeah, fuck yeah!
Fuck yeah!
Oh!
Ah.
Of course, now I wonder...
- Hm.
Hm.
Yes, apparently it
is possible to kill God.
Hm.
Still feel like I'm
forgetting something.
- They're
always screaming at me.
I can't understand 'em. He's
gotta do something about it.
- Can, can I get another one?
Um...
Okay, look.
Travers. Travers!
- Me?
- How could I forget something?
Omnipotence knows no exceptions!
Unless I didn't
create this universe.
I...
I just hacked it.
Which would mean that...
I'm limited.
Just another meek little...
No, no, no!
Well, maybe.
Not for long.
- Do these look even?
Oh!
Oh, that is really getting old.
So, um, about what we
were talking about earlier.
- Hey, thank you.
- Okay, um...
So, so you and that Helter guy
were coming
here to kill me because-
- Stolen reactor.
- Stolen reactor, right.
I knew that radio
show was a mistake.
But, but just so I'm clear,
you're not gonna kill me now?
- No.
You wanna know the
secret to a long life?
Know your limitations.
The other you
killed my men with his mind!
Look. I'm
outta here.
I'm gonna go
home, call my grandkids,
and tell 'em I love 'em.
- Wow! You...
You, you're married?
With, with kids and grandkids?
That's amazing.
- The fuck's
that supposed to mean?
- Didn't mean to offend, I...
It's just that you're literally
a professional murderer.
I mean, does your
wife know about that?
- She thinks it's hot.
And it is.
- Well...
Good for you, and her.
- Mm.
- Some people are
just meant for love.
Some aren't.
- Ah, bullshit.
Abusers, rapists, drug
dealers, murderers, politicians,
pricks on YouTubes,
worst people imaginable,
most still
find someone to love 'em
in spite of being
worthless fuckin' garbage!
And that includes you.
Now, your problem
is that you don't know
how to love yourself, and
nobody can help you with that,
but you.
Ah!
- I loved myself, today.
- Look, I don't know
what the fuck that means,
but I'll tell you, you
wanna learn to love yourself,
you've gotta find the
angriest, ugliest part of you
and show that son of a
bitch they're beautiful.
- You must have
to do that a lot.
- Screw you.
I'm beautiful.
You don't believe
me, just ask my grandkids.
Where you goin'?
- Following your advice.
It's time to meet my maker.
- Hey, you try to talk to
that guy and you're gonna die!
- Wouldn't be the first time.
Oh!
Come on!
Get over it!
That's why I don't tip!
What the hell is that?
- Looks like a buildup
of stacked singularities,
if you ask me.
- That's...
Yeah.
Holy shit!
- And I think we know,
say it out loud together,
who's starting these fires.
Illegal Canadians.
That's right, Illegal Canadians
coming down from Canada
building themselves these fires,
because as you know,
they can't buy a home.
Look, go grab your
mom, tell her you love her.
- Oh, bad, bad, bad, bad, bad.
Come on.
Pick up, pick up!
- Hello?
- Hey, uh, Delilah?
Yeah, it's, it's Tim.
The, uh, the,
the time travel guy?
I, uh, I just
wanted to say I'm sorry.
- Oh, this oughta be rich.
- I just wanted you to know that
we're clearly not
going to be a thing, um...
- You seriously
called to tell me that?
- And! And
to apologize.
I know I saw a lot of
ugly versions of myself today,
and I'm pretty
sure you did, too!
So, I'm sorry things
got so out of control,
and I'm sorry that I failed.
It's just something that I do.
I don't know why I do it.
- Honestly, Tim, it's fine.
I mean, it was fucked up,
but there's a middle ground
between hate and love and...
That's us.
The middle people.
- Thanks. I'm gonna try
and put all this back together.
- I thought you
said you weren't gonna try
to make us a thing?
- No, no, no. I
meant the universe!
- What about it?
- Well, what do you
mean, "What about it?"
Have you looked out your wi...
- Goodbye, Tim, and maybe
try to be nicer to yourself.
Literally.
- Believe it or not,
that is actually the idea.
- Fuck.
- I love you, baby.
- So, that's
how Bigfoot does it.
- I choose not
to believe in that.
- I remember you.
You're the one that said a
few hours can change a person.
Well, you have no
idea how right you were.
Do you know what
it's like to fall forever?
- Skip.
I know the universe is
a creation in your head,
Russian nesting doll
style, and that you're God.
Royce filled me in.
I figured out on the way over
that you
couldn't actually be God
and must've just
hacked the system.
And judging by the unraveling,
I'm guessing you
figured that out, too,
and you're not
taking it very well.
- I'm unmaking this
universe one paradox at a time,
mounting like
gravity into a singular point
that will break
the whole of creation.
- As one does.
- I even murdered the
younger versions of us,
just to get warmed up.
- How did that go?
- Yeah.
Well, there was a lot
of crying, but you know.
Children.
- Damn. Damn,
dude, that, that is dark.
That...
I mean, I mean that
is, that is fucked up.
Like, even for us.
- Well, tell that to Potato!
- Yeah.
Yeah, yeah.
You know what? You're right!
You're right, and now
that I'm, I'm thinking about it,
maybe the
reason that we are so alone
is because we are
all so fucking awful!
- That's us.
- No.
no, no, no, no, no, no.
That, that's me.
You are
something else, entirely.
Like, I don't know
what eternity did to you,
but whatever it is, it's ugly.
It's childish!
I may be the worst
person in the world, but you,
you scared, small,
whimpering glitch in the system,
you are the worst
version of the worst guy
of all fucking time!
- Second to none, baby.
- So that's it. That's it?
You're just
gonna burn it all down
until there's nothing
left but a little whining child
having a temper
tantrum because he's lonely?
- Burn, baby, burn!
- Is that really what you want?
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
- Yeah, um...
Sorry. That was
literally building forever.
They left me in a black hole.
They left me
alone, literally forever.
- Yeah, that wasn't cool.
Not that it matters, but
I wasn't a part of that, so...
- Guess that
makes you the best of us.
- Grading on a curve.
What is that?
- Oh, that's the...
That's the center.
The universe never
used to have a center,
but, but now that it's broken,
that's the
center of what's left.
Please?
Let's find out together?
- Why not?
- And you are?
- I am that I am.
I am that which decided that
one plus one would equal two,
that structured the graviton.
I am the
simulator of your universe.
- And a dude.
Delilah owes us five bucks.
- "Dude" is an
oversimplification.
My full aspect simply
exceeds your comprehension.
- Try me.
- All right.
What can I do for you?
- Is there a meaning of life?
- Yes.
- Seriously?
- Yes!
But it has
nothing to do with humans.
The purpose of life is,
uh, um, how do I phrase this,
to maximize a specific numerical
output via this simulation.
I realize that must
be totally wasted on you.
- Not really.
It's like a high score.
- Perfect analogy.
The meaning of existence is
for me to achieve a high score.
Humanity is a randomly
generated background element.
- So, the creator of all things
didn't even have a hand in us?
- But that had to be obvious.
You're not even near the
good part of your own galaxy!
You'd have to be
insane to observe this
and to think that
you somehow had relevance.
- We broke your simulation.
- Unfortunately.
- Then, ipso facto, Tim Travers
is the most important person
in the entire universe, ever.
Hell yeah!
- I hope that
high five was worth it.
And now, I have to
reset this universe.
- What gives you that authority?
- How are you not following
this? I am literally God.
- But what, what
does that mean, exactly?
Like, do you exist
as a part of this world?
Or are you the,
the sentience of all matter?
Or do you exist in a
world apart from this?
- I exist beyond
your comprehension.
- Right, right. Got it.
Another world
that ours is nested in,
is beyond our comprehension,
except that it's not.
So, in that place, what are you?
- I am the Alpha and Omega.
- That is not what I asked, God!
To others like
you, what are you?
You could call me a storyteller.
- What does that mean?
- I create a story and
share it with others of my kind,
for spiritual growth.
And compensation.
- Like, like a novelist?
- In only the
most reductive terms.
- But you have a publisher.
- It's complicated. Uh...
Self-publishing.
- Oh!
He isn't even published!
- So, so, so you're a,
uh, unpublished novelist
who is simulating a, uh...
Wait. Wait,
wait, wait, wait, wait.
A simulation is a game.
But that's, that's
what you meant by high score?
I mean, that's not an analogy!
That's just you
trying to hit the high score
in a management game!
- You exist because I say so!
- You didn't
even make it, did you?
A, a better,
more talented God did.
Then you bought it and
plugged in a bunch of variables
to see what would happen and...
And we are a retail product
for a bored, failed writer!
- Self-publishing is a
respected step
in the literary process.
It is not my fault that you
don't understand the industry!
And you need to show me some
respect, since I can end time.
- "Oh, and I'm Time God!"
Your threat is meaningless.
There are no stakes here!
Just like everything
else, this isn't about you.
- Why are you so...
Mean?
- Well, when you die,
you can ask your creator
for an explanation.
- So, uh, we're gonna
remake the universe, right?
It'll be different.
No more people.
Just physics, math.
Pure, sweet silence.
- You can't be serious!
- Do you even need me here?
- No!
- No!
What's your novel
even about, anyway?
- Oh, um, it's about a rich boy
who finds himself
on the mean streets.
And by "finds
himself", I mean finds himself.
- Stop, stop. Awful, no.
- And I, I don't mean
just like stop talking.
I mean, stop writing.
Go back to what I assume
was a perfectly good IT job,
and be thankful
that you have it.
- Enough!
This universe is over!
And when I
create my next universe,
it'll be so much
neater than this one.
And mostly because...
No Tim Travers.
No whiny little mother...
- Wait.
What happened?
- Oh, I booted him
out of the game.
Don't worry, though.
Guys like him
can't code for shit.
- So, about that
whole new universe.
- A universe of me and only me.
- What about everyone else?
- What about them?
Please, name one
person that you met today
that wasn't
just completely awful.
- But then we won't have a
chance to know if we're wrong!
Rapists, abusers, murderers,
politicians, YouTubers.
They're the worst people ever!
Most of them will still find
love, in spite of themselves.
And I know for a
fact that we can, too.
- How do you know?
- Because I did.
It wasn't long, but it ended...
It ended badly.
But for a second
there, I knew what it felt like.
- What did it feel like?
- Felt like...
Coming up for air.
If you've been
holding your breath forever.
- How?
I mean, while none of
us were paying attention,
you just somehow stumbled
into a romantic subplot?
- A few hours
can change a person.
- I wanna believe that...
No. No,
no, no.
All this proves is that
we are different people now.
You found it. I, I didn't.
I...
I won't.
Some people...
Some people are better alone.
Deserve to be alone.
People like me.
People who...
- I love you, Tim Travers.
And I don't
want you to be alone.
But that's up to you, buddy.
- What the fuck was that?
I...
Oh.
Right.
This again.
I guess it doesn't have to be.
Hm.
Ah, what the fuck. Why not?
Just...
Just take one
point of infinite energy.
Ah, yes.
And then add will.
Time.
And that should make...
Should get
one
big
ba...
Really?
- My god, what am I doing?
What am I doing?
Come on!
Ow!
Ah!
Ooh!
Ooh!
Oh, what was I thinking?
Oh, my god.
I can't believe
I almost did that.
I've got a date tonight!
Tim, what were you thinking?
Oh!
Hoo!
But on the other hand...
- Dumb ass!
- Fuck!