Tinsel Town (2025) Movie Script
1
And what the case here
clearly needs is...
My daughter!
He's got my daughter!
Judge, you're mistaken.
The only need is me.
-This way!
-No. This way.
Hey!
Where's her daughter?
Watch out!
It's gonna blow!
Cut there.
Reset.
What are you doing?
You know me.
I never do my own stunts.
Clarky boy. You're up.
Well, maybe if you worked out
once in a while, Brad.
Some of the biggest stars
do their own stunts.
Not this big star,
but if you wanna
talk about it further
over drinks?
Mm. Can my husband
and two small children come too?
You're cute.
I'll take a rain check.
-Alf.
-Brad.
Wonderful work today.
It's A Killing Time 7's gonna
be fresher than 4 and 5.
Well, thanks, buddy.
But I still have concerns
over scene 22.
I think I'm coming off
a little unlikeable
and the woman's
really underwritten.
-Well, I may...
-Not now, sugar.
You know what?
I'm gonna sort that for you.
You're my man.
Stand by, everyone.
Good luck, Maggie.
It's Martha.
Who cares?
Hey.
I'm so sorry to ask, Mr Mac,
but would you say it please?
The only need is me.
I'm going to miss these movies.
Miss?
What do you mean, miss?
I don't believe it. They don't
wanna make Killing Time 8?
Still. You had a good run.
We only made seven films.
Each one better than the last.
You know, forget it.
Fine.
What's next?
Listen, Brad,
I'll level with you.
There is no next.
Er, the bottom line is people
don't want to hire you.
What? Why?
'Cause I'm too expensive?
Er, because you're difficult.
You're late on set and you
refuse to do your own stunts.
You don't remember names.
You failed your medicals.
Oh, my God. How many times
do I have to say it?
It was the day after
the Super Bowl.
When me and the boys
get together, stuff goes down.
There's gotta be
some kind of rom-com I can do.
Or a biopic.
We could use this
as an opportunity
for me to really stretch.
With the right makeup artist,
I could play Barack Obama.
-Christ.
-Yeah.
Probably still too young, huh?
Look, there is one thing
knocking around.
What?
-Theatre in England.
-In front of a live audience?
Exactly.
Well, it's something
I've always wanted to do,
but you and I both know I only
ever took that
one film acting class.
I mean, I might be a natural,
but theatre kind of scares me.
-You, scared?
-I've only ever done films.
Well, it's exactly the same.
Just louder.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Are you sure that's it?
Trust me.
Huh.
Louder.
-You know what? Count me in.
-Great.
Now we are talking about a very
traditional production,
but with your name
on the marquee,
it'll sell out in seconds.
Me, a sell out!
You said it, kid, not me.
And doesn't your daughter
live in England?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't get to
see her as much any more.
Well, this is a chance
to reconnect.
We're connected.
I just don't get to see
her as much as I want to.
So. Theatre in England?
Yes!
You know what?
We're gonna show the whole world
what Bradley Mac can do.
Because when
push comes to shove,
the only need is me.
Oh, Jesus.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Would you like to have
a look at the menu, sir?
I'm sorry to disturb you,
but we've been
watching you the whole flight.
My husband and I...
We're just huge fans of
the Killing Time movies.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
It's so inspiring to see
a man of your age
still throw themselves around.
In all fairness, I like
the first one much more than
the last one, but who cares?
-They're fun!
-Yeah.
What kind of woman doesn't
love a cuddly older man?
-Chocolate chip cookie?
-No. I'm good, thanks.
Have a good flight.
Hello, Mr Mac.
Hi.
Hi again.
I'm just in the limo.
-Rented, but still a limo.
-Where are you?
No, I'm outside.
I've got a sign.
You won't miss me.
Where outside?
Just outside arrivals, mate.
Mr Mac, I'm Nigel Brand.
Here to take you to the Savoy.
The Savoy again.
I gotta say, I'm a huge fan.
I just loved Top Gun.
Oh, heated seats as requested.
Oh, and here's your natural
volcanic water, sir.
Thank you.
Snow is falling
all around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
At the parties and
celebrations
People dancing
all night long
Time for presents
and exchanging kisses
Time for singing
Christmas songs
We're gonna have
a party tonight
I'm gonna find that girl
underneath the mistletoe
And kiss by candlelight
The room is swaying,
records playing
All the old songs
we love to hear
Oh, I wish that
every day was Christmas
What a nice way
to spend the year
Whoo, yeah
And on your left, Mr Mac,
you're going to see...
Mr Mac?
We're gonna have
a party tonight
I'm gonna find that girl
underneath the mistletoe
And kiss by candlelight
Snow is falling
All around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
Merry Christmas, everyone
Merry Christmas, everyone
Snow is falling
all around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
Snow is falling
all around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
Oh, snow is falling
All right. Mr Mac.
Mr Mac.
Mr Mac, we're here.
What are you talking about?
Where's Big Ben?
Harrods? Downton Abbey?
Nah, we missed all that,
sleepyhead,
but welcome, Mr Mac,
to the Savoy.
Now there is currently
no running water,
but you don't mind
skipping a shower day, do you?
-Is this some kind of a joke?
-Is what a joke?
Where the hell's London?
Well, it's three hours
that way, sir.
You are good, my friend.
So this is some kind of
hidden camera show.
I got it from here.
Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, come out from
wherever you're hiding, dude.
Yeah.
Erm, this is your hotel, Mr Mac.
All the big turns
stay at the Savoy Guest House
when they're performing at
Stoneford's Theatre Royal.
Yeah. I'll show you.
Fine.
I'll play along.
-Wow.
-What the...
It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas
There he is!
Get him! Get him!
Excuse me.
Hello.
Darling, Brad,
here you are at last.
- Welcome to Stoneford,
- Welcome to Stoneford.
He's even more gorgeous
in the flesh.
I'm Callum. The Prince.
Massive fan, mate.
The only need is... yeah.
Yeah.
Not exactly sure
what's going on here,
but obviously there's
-been some kind of...
-Brenda. Fairy godmother.
Izzy, Cinderella.
-Fanny.
-And Annie.
-We're the ugly stepsisters.
-We do it every Christmas.
-Yeah, and on birthdays.
-Oh, you are filthy!
Bababa, Bababa. Russell.
Baron Hardup.
Hilda from box office.
Jean the cleaner.
Jonty on sound.
Frank on lights.
Neigh.
Your distinguished director
Cassandra Collins, OBE,
under me, over me.
-And you are?
-Jill, the choreographer.
And I hate to be a realist,
but we've only got a few days
to get this show on the road.
So if everyone's
finished fawning,
let's take it
from the top of act one.
You'll need these tap shoes.
Er, stop. Everybody.
Just stop for a second, please.
Again, not sure
what's happening here.
But I definitely did not
sign up for this.
Sorry, for what, duck?
This, whatever this is.
What is this?
A low-rent production of Cats?
Darling.
It's a pantomime.
A panto-what?
Cinderella!
And you are our Buttons.
Oh, no, I'm not!
Oh, yes, you are!
Is it the large, padded horse
that's throwing you off?
Okay. Brenda, darling,
why don't you show him?
Show me what?
Pantomime, Brad,
or panto for short,
is an annual British tradition.
A quintessential part
of Christmas.
Think fairy tales, but fun!
Aladdin, Cinderella,
Dick Whittington...
I beg your pardon?
You've got men dressed as women.
Women dressed as men.
Horses played by people plus
pop songs and pyrotechnics.
Always a happy ending
with an enormous explosion
covering the whole auditorium.
Brenda, try not to be so crude.
There are children present.
Double entendres too, Brad,
you like those, I'm sure.
Mind you, there're a lot
to get your mouth around.
Alright, my darlings, we begin.
Oh my God.
You look like fun to me
You look a little like
somebody I know
Come on, sheeple!
How this ends because
I'll be in your head
all weekend
Shivers and butterflies
I get the shivers
when I look into your eyes
And I can tell
that you're all in
Because I can hear
your heart beating
Padam, padam, padam
I hear it and I know
Padam, padam, I know
you want to take me home
Keep up the energy.
Remember,
people are paying for this.
When your heart goes padam
It'll all make sense
eventually, dear.
I know you want
to take me home, padam
And take off all my clothes,
padam, padam
When your heart goes padam
Ha-ha! Yes!
Right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for wasting my time.
Good luck.
Never say good luck
in the theatre, Brad.
Yeah.
We're cursed.
Brad.
What's the problem?
You're kidding.
What's the problem?
Okay, here's the problem.
I'm stuck here in Hookeyville
somewhere north of nowhere,
surrounded by singing sheep
and ageing alcoholics.
Okay.
You are my agent.
You need to get me out of here
as quickly as possible.
Oh, but Brad, you did
read the script, right?
No, not, not...
And the terms of the contract?
Get out of the road, you idiot.
Exactly.
Look, honey,
I've been your agent for years,
and the fact of the matter is,
you're lazy, ungrateful,
and I've had just about
enough rider requests
for one lifetime.
Nobody needs
a new pair of briefs
every single day.
Brad Apollo Mac, it gives me
the greatest of pleasures
to finally say, you're fired.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are fired.
Too late, buster.
You're already off the books.
You're gonna
hear from my lawyer.
Who cares?
Your lawyer hates you too.
Merry Christmas, Buttons.
I wouldn't worry about it, mate.
Gandalf's done it too.
He still does, in fact.
Sir Ian McKellen's
done pantomime?
Oh, yeah.
All the big names.
David Hasselhoff,
Pamela Anderson,
Barry off EastEnders.
-Eh?
-I'm dead.
All right then.
Here we are.
Wow.
I don't really need
a themed room,
a regular one'll do.
What you mean, themed?
Hello, girls.
Kieran, what are you doing here?
I'm not gonna let you walk home
in the dark on your own, am I?
-So jump in the motor.
-It's a short walk. We're fine.
It's winter, Jill.
There's a lot of naughty people
knocking about,
you know, like burglars.
Oh, you've heard
about that, have you?
Of course I have.
-Everyone's talking about it.
-Yeah.
Well, I hope you're not
mixed up in any of it.
Put the top up, Kieran.
It's freezing.
How's my baby?
I'm 13.
Well, you'll always be my baby.
You're looking forward
to spending Christmas
with your old dad this year?
-What?
-It's my turn.
She's got a part in the panto.
We discussed this.
Well, that was before I knew
that you were both working
with that Killing Time mug.
So, yeah.
Christmas with
all your London cousins.
You'd like that,
wouldn't you, Cara?
Oh, well, I'll give you a bell.
Love you, baby.
No, that's disgusting.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Grace, how are you?
Oh, Brad, are you in England?
Er, yeah, I'm at a
silent shamanic retreat.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Any plans
to see your daughter at all?
Can't really talk right now.
Gotta stay quiet.
Convenient.
Emma, darling, it's Daddy.
Okay, fine, Grace. I was
supposed to do a play here.
Okay?
In the theatre.
Exciting times.
Who's the playwright, Brad?
-Oh, Spencer, you're there too?
-Marlow? Jonson?
It's gonna be down
in Stoneford, okay?
Hey, Em.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, Dad.
Mum says you're in England.
That's right, governor.
-Don't do the accent.
-Yeah. Okay.
Look, sweetheart,
the sad thing is I don't think
I'm gonna
be able to see you on this trip.
Well, but you said that
last time.
-And the time before that.
-And the time before that.
I know, I know, okay.
But this time is not my fault.
I'm not gonna be here long.
I've been conned.
They weren't even gonna
give me a Winnebago.
But what about Christmas?
Christmas.
Ugh.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
I promise I'm gonna
make it up to you, okay?
Hey, you liked
that Amazon gift card
I gave you last year, right?
That way you can get
exactly what you want.
Don't worry, Dad.
Mum always told me to
manage my expectations.
A pretty good
life lesson, actually.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Please don't be mad
at me, okay?
I promise
I will make it up to you.
But now you sleep tight,
my little angel.
Oh no,
this is actually happening.
Wait, Mr Mac.
I gotta say, Mr Mac,
I'm surprised you didn't flee
in the middle of the night.
Imagine that.
Mad dash to the airport,
straight onto a private jet.
But then again, I know you
wouldn't do that to us.
That's a big bag
for a rehearsal, innit?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Excuse me?
Sign in please.
Mr Mac.
It's ten past ten.
You are late.
It's fine. I won't be staying.
Why is my name
not at the top of the list?
Well, it's alphabetical, Mr Mac.
Huh.
The name's Albert, by the way.
Albert with an A.
I know your game.
Yeah.
Ciao, Brad.
Yeah, I know.
Hello.
Goodbye.
So sad.
Now, I take it
you've read the script.
Sandra,
if I had read this script,
I wouldn't have
gotten on the plane.
You are hilarious.
So we're gonna be starting
with scene three.
It's a tricky one, mind.
Wonderful.
Places, please, darlings.
Oh, hello, Buttons.
There you are.
Weren't you supposed to be with
the fairy in the dairy?
-The fairy in the dairy, Fanny?
-That's right, Annie.
Far better
than being on the hunt with...
Wait a second. Why is there
plastic on the floor?
And why are you wearing a wig?
In the script it says...
Son of a bitch!
You should have known
from my contract.
I don't do my own stunts.
Somebody call me a car!
You're a car.
-You're a jerk.
-Don't worry, Bradders.
It was an absolute honour to
be punched in the face by you.
You can even do it harder
next time.
Oh, yeah,
Brad, she likes it hard.
Ooh, Fanny.
Okay, that's it. I quit.
I'm on the red eye tonight.
Have you got
pink eye, darling?
I've got a cream
that's good for that.
What's wrong with you people?
Actually, Brad, darling,
you, erm, you can't quit.
Excuse me?
Oh, yes.
Cassie's right, darling.
Your clever little agent
added in a liability clause.
Yep.
If you fail to perform
even just one show,
you're liable to be sued for
loss of proceeds
for the entire run.
Ooh, I think I might be able
to muster the six bucks.
Mm. The last time I looked,
I think
it was two million pounds.
Three million, actually.
You see, Christmas pantomimes
make the money
that keeps theatres open
all year round.
Without that revenue,
a lot of theatres
would be forced to close down.
This one included.
Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Yeah.
That is three million pounds,
not dollars.
Okay, darling.
I'm gonna need some privacy.
Oh. Please don't go, Brad.
Hate you, Brad? No.
Why would I hate you?
Your NDAs alone
paid for my new pool.
Okay, good.
Good. That's great.
So am I free?
Well, sadly, Brad,
the contract's pretty tight.
Unless there's some
kind of force majeure.
An explosion, tsunami,
collapse of the Western world,
which, let's face it,
isn't far away.
You're doing this, I'm afraid.
No, no, no, Sukie, please.
I can't.
Why is this happening to me?
Well, your agent
made a pretty solid deal.
Judas.
No, Julie.
You really gotta get better
at remembering people's name.
Hey...
What if I just walked,
got on a plane and went home?
Oh, then they will sue
and trust me, they will win.
But, hey, look on
the bright side, Brad,
this pantomime thing's
surprisingly well paid.
It is?
Sure, and given
the state of your finances,
I would stay put if I were you.
What about my finances?
Oh, Brad, please.
Five houses, one divorce,
200 K a year on tulips.
Your spending
is out of control.
Why can't anyone get this right?
It was $200,000 over two years.
And they weren't tulips.
They were orchids from Namibia.
Well, Namibia
it in the butt, pal,
because the bottom line is,
it's Buttons or bust.
I'm screwed.
Everybody's a comedian.
Right then, what can I get you?
Oh, hello, Brad.
-So you work here too?
-Course I do.
Cost of living, mate,
can never have too many jobs.
You're telling me. I used to be
the face of Breitling,
Gucci, Constipate.
Exactly as it sounds.
Anyways, I'll have
a sparkling kombucha,
a pistachio quinoa power bowl,
and a side order of
organic kale,
low-alkaline please.
-Yeah, we don't have that.
-Which part?
Any of it.
Fine. I'll take your average,
run-of-the-mill sushi.
Thank you.
Hi, Brad.
Hello, teenage girl.
I'm in the pantomime. Cara.
-Of course you are.
-For the Gram.
Oh, God.
I wish I had a gram right now.
Listen, Brad, I just wanted
to apologise for yesterday
for being a bit rude.
It's just we don't have
much time to rehearse.
And you being five days late
wasn't exactly helpful.
I'm five days late?
Oh, like you didn't know that.
Of course not. 'Cause I'm not
supposed to be here.
My agent tricked me.
I'm supposed to be playing
Macbeth at the Globe.
Oh, well,
you'd freeze your tits off.
That place doesn't even
have a roof.
Okay. This was my chance to be
taken seriously as an actor.
And now that's
not gonna happen.
Pantomime is serious.
I'm starting to think you
might be a little serious.
You have a daughter,
don't you, Brad? Emma.
Yes. I may have Wikipedia-ed it.
Can you just imagine her looking
at you on the stage putting
massive smiles
on everyone's faces?
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Not exactly the world's greatest
dad right now.
Kids are for life, Brad,
not just for Christmas.
And think of Stoneford too.
Do you honestly think
anyone's gonna care?
Er, hello. Look around.
So if you're thinking
of leaving us, Mr Mac,
better do so soon
'cause we'd need
to find another Buttons.
-What the hell is that?
-Sushi.
I googled it.
Well, it looks like you win.
I, Bradley Mac,
three-time Razzie nominee,
will be your Buttons.
-Bravo!
-Marvellous!
Hey,
it's dead flattering that, Brad.
Welcome to
the madhouse, darling.
-Who wants a gin?
-Brenda. Not now.
First things first.
I wanna start
with the motivational speech
between Buttons and Cinderella.
Er, sorry, darling...
Erm, motivational speech?
Yeah. Where he tells her
to stay strong
in the face of adversity.
I've done it a hundred times.
Remember? Killing Time 2.
-I was four when that came out.
-Yeah, same.
All I have to do is get my head
in the character
and it should be smooth sailing
from there.
Absolutely, darling,
give us your best shot.
Oh, heavens. He's gonna go
all Method on us, Brenda.
He's not the only one.
Don't cry, Cinderella.
Your stepmother
and stepsister are mean
because that's their nature.
Things will get better.
You just have to believe.
And magic will happen.
Can I just, er,
stop you for a moment, Brad?
Too good? I don't want
to show up the others.
Almost too good. Yup.
Now, Brad, darling, you are
used to film where the camera
can give you
a lovely big close-up
with the microphone
and the edits.
Hey, I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr Mac.
No one's interested
in your muscles, Callum.
-Speak for yourself, love.
-Want a go on that?
But on stage,
it is completely different.
You have to project,
you have to go big.
I know that.
I know that.
Louder.
Louder.
-Okay. Big, big.
-Gorgeous.
And... action!
Don't cry, Cinderella!
Your stepmother and stepsisters
are mean to you
because it's their nature!
Things will get better!
Something like that?
-Mm-hmm. Mm.
-We're screwed.
Grace.
How's my favourite ex-wife?
Oh, what do you care?
Now, listen,
you can pick Emma up tomorrow.
You should consider yourself
very lucky.
-Tomorrow?
-Yes.
And do not
let her down this time.
What do you mean, this time?
Oh, come on, Brad.
Forget the Oscars.
You are literally first in line
for Worst parent
of the Year award.
Some parents are just
so selfish, aren't they?
What the...?
-I'll be there.
-Good.
Oh, Brad, I'm so sorry, mate.
Come here.
-Don't.
-Yeah, no, fair enough.
-We've been broken into.
-What?
Yeah.
Your suite's been ransacked.
Why don't you just get me
another room with a bigger lock?
I would love to, but we,
we are chock full of Santas
and we're the only hotel
in town.
Well then, Mr Mac, you'd better
come and stay at my place.
Thank you, Albert.
But I don't want to put you out.
Oh, it's fine.
We'll find a way
to squeeze you in.
I could bring whatever's
left of your stuff.
Thanks, Nigel.
Yeah, you're welcome, mate.
Stay safe.
Wow. It was
very thoughtful of you, Alby.
Hey, Albert, please.
Really like
the electric car too.
Very green of you.
What's all this?
This is my life, my whole life.
Huh.
You're upstairs.
Er, first floor.
-I've got a question.
-The answer is yes.
Madly in love with each other,
but no,
neither of them has a clue.
I'll get it.
-Yeah.
-I'll get it.
Right. Brad.
Dare I say, we're gonna
attempt to put you in.
-God help us.
-Fine.
Just remember,
I don't do my own stunts.
You don't do your own stunts.
Got it.
Right. To save time,
we're gonna divvy up
some your lines to other people.
I'm a light tenor.
How about you?
A little heavier,
but I can sing.
Jill, is this a good time
to tell you
that I can actually sing
and I'm a pretty good dancer?
Of course you are.
Callum.
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
and everyone telling you
Be of good cheer
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest
season of all
With those holiday greetings
and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
There'll be parties
for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And carolling out
in the snow
There'll be
scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
There'll be much mistletoeing
and hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's the most
wonderful time
Yes, the most
wonderful time
Oh, the most wonderful time
Of the year
Bravo!
It's the most
wonderful time
It's the most
wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
of the year
Ah, this is gonna be
our best panto ever.
Yeah, that was supposed
to be my song.
Oh, Russell,
darling, don't worry.
You can take a lead
on another one.
Yeah. Only if I get to pick.
I'd like to do
Engelbert Humperdink's
Only With a Man Without Love.
Hmm.
That'll really get them going.
It used to, darling.
Izzy. What's going on?
Oh, no.
It's all right, Brad.
We don't have to do this.
Do what?
Well, I know you like to date
your co-stars, but seriously,
you're old enough
to be my granddad.
Wow.
Wow.
Truth is,
I was just gonna ask you
what's going on
between you and Callum.
Oh, oh, sorry.
That, erm,
well, nothing, I guess.
Every year we do the panto
and every year we just
sort of grow apart.
Too much brawn,
not enough brains.
I hate those guys.
Well, at least I now know
what I need to ask Santa for.
What, brains?
No. Something to
stuff your stocking with.
It's double entendre.
You're getting it.
No, you're getting it
from Callum.
Too much?
Bren, darling.
What's the matter?
It's my digs.
I've been broken into.
No, not another one.
Digs is what they call the
accommodation actors stay in.
Gosh. Thanks, Gillian.
Hey, don't call me Gillian.
Stoneford just isn't
what it was.
I mean,
we were a community once.
Now look,
blighted by petty crime.
Yeah, we all know
who's behind that.
How else can he drive that car?
Hey, Kieran!
Leave him, Brenda, please.
I don't know why you
are sticking up for him.
Jill.
Jill, that ex-husband
of yours is a bad 'un
if ever there was one.
Right then,
who's getting this round?
Are you serious?
You work here too?
Yeah.
Cough up, rich boy.
Oh, 200 grand for orchids.
It was a hundred grand a year
and they were from Namibia.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Another round
for everybody on me.
Well,
I'll see you tomorrow I guess.
Yeah. Not too many late night
bars around here, are there?
Around here?
Nah. I do have a bottle of wine
in the fridge though.
Oh. Erm...
Mind you, hey, carbs in it.
Right. Gotta look after
the temple.
Yeah.
Here he is.
-Oi, oi!
-Stoneford's action hero.
Look at him. Look.
Come on then, show us
some of your moves, huh?
The only need is me.
I don't want any trouble.
Come on.
Course you don't. You know why?
'Cause you're a little
scaredy cat, ain't you?
You couldn't even block that...
No wonder
you ended up in this dump.
-You're a hopeless loser.
-Go home, Kieran. Now.
I'm having a laugh, Jill.
Let's go, boys.
Jill.
I'll see you tomorrow, Brad.
Never do nothing right.
All you have to do
is stand up for yourself.
Huh?
Hey!
-Stay where you are! Stop!
-Leg it!
Somebody stop them!
What's going on?
He's behind you.
Don't come any closer.
Ah, me sole!
- Stay down.
- Mate, you saved us!
I got it all on video too.
Well done, sir. Nice one.
Thank you.
Arms behind your back. Police.
We've got
his accomplice as well.
Looks like the Stoneford
crime spree's over.
Hang on a minute, aren't you...?
I am.
I think I broke it.
247 to base. You'll never guess
who I've just seen.
247. Surprise me.
Hollywood movie star Brad Mac
put his trademark action moves
into action last night.
Not on some
Hollywood studio lot,
but here in the sleepy town
of Stoneford in England.
Mr Mac may not
have been kung fu fighting,
but his unusual routine
is said to have been
inspired by this,
Stoneford's Theatre Royal,
where in just
a few days' time,
Brad Mac takes to the stage
as Buttons in Cinderella.
Here he is! Here he is!
Oh, Mr Mac, can I ask
exactly what happened?
Well, I think I did what
any concerned citizen would do.
Er, I saw two men trying to rob
a home and I chased them.
And apprehended them?
No, the police did that.
But I like to think that
I did my part.
Two men are now in custody.
It turns out they were part of
a criminal gang that have been
targeting towns
in the local area.
Police are confident
that further arrests
will follow and that the gang's
crime spree
has been put to a stop.
All thanks to you, Brad Mac.
How's the panto going?
Oh, great.
Thank you for asking.
Thank you. Erm, yeah, strength
to strength like my career.
And if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go spend the rest of
the day with my daughter.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mr Mac?
Quick, Brenda,
why don't you tell them
about your one night encounter
with Ozzy Osborne in 1985?
Oh, with pleasure.
-Spencer.
-Grace!
Spider-Man's here.
Wasn't in Spider-Man.
No? I wouldn't know.
I don't watch mainstream movies.
I prefer C inma Franais.
I like French films.
Move, Spencer.
Dad, you finally made it!
Oh, sweetheart,
I am so happy to see you.
We're gonna
have a fabulous day, okay?
When do you need her back?
Oh, after lunch is fine.
Well, that's not gonna give us
a lot of time.
After lunch on Monday.
Three whole days!
Yeah!
Can Daddy talk with Mummy
privately please?
Come on, let's.
We'll be right back.
Okay.
I can't do three days.
I'm rehearsing.
I'm sure you can get one of your
little minions to sort it out.
Okay, Grace.
Minions are cartoons.
Everyone knows that.
No, no, no.
Tough, tough, tough.
We are going to Paris because,
newsflash, we are exhausted.
Yeah. I only get a bonus
four times a year.
Okay. Newsflash, Spencer,
your bonus is $25,000 a month
I pay her in alimony.
Grace, you cannot
spring this on me.
You haven't seen her
twice in the last two years.
This is finally your chance.
-I'm working.
-You're always working.
You're a big boy.
Figure it out.
Well, kiddo, looks like it's
you and me for three whole days.
-Where are we going?
-To the North, me little mucker.
-Dad!
-I know.
Come on.
So this is it.
-Stoneford Theatre Royal.
-You're in a pantomime?
-Yeah. Sorry.
-What do you mean, sorry?
I love panto.
You do?
But why are you so young?
Is it set in the past?
How dare you!
Ah!
I wanna introduce you
to a man named Albert. Come on.
Oh, hello, Emma.
My name's Albert.
Yeah, well, come on in, love.
Make yourself at home.
Thank you.
Wow.
Talk about a hint of colour.
I like it.
Yeah, we should
probably close it up.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
Happens wherever I go.
Dad?
It's December.
You're right.
Thank you.
It's that awful man
from those dreadful films.
-Brad. Hi.
-Gillian.
-Jill!
-Big fan of your work.
Oh, thank you very much.
This is my daughter Emma.
This is my daughter Cara
and her friend Bella.
-Hiya.
-Hi.
Do you wanna go
and grab hot chocolates?
-Yeah, sure. Dad?
-Yeah, of course.
-I'll catch up.
-Great. Let's go.
Jill. Can I have a word?
So Emma's here
all weekend, right?
But we're rehearsing.
And I'm really scared that
she's just gonna be so bored.
Don't worry.
Cara can look out for her.
-Really?
-Yeah.
She can hang out with
all the kids backstage and then
we'll get her on the stage
for that big ballroom scene.
Oh, my God.
That sounds fantastic.
You are a lifesaver.
Whoa.
Actually, Brad,
I have a favour to ask you.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
On Monday,
the school's holding an event.
The choir
will be singing carols.
-There's a tombola.
-Is that like Ebola?
Not quite.
One's an African disease.
Erm, then there'll be
a prize-giving,
like fun things,
like Best Christmas jumper.
What?
Oh, no, jumper means sweater.
Oh, thank God.
Little dark for Christmas,
right? Aha. Splat.
So we were hoping
someone real famous
might wanna hand out the prizes.
Yeah, I'll do it.
What's the fee?
Er, cup of tea and a bourbon.
Huh. You're cute.
I don't drink when I work.
Hot nuts.
Come and get your hot nuts!
-Nigel. Don't you sleep?
-Of course not, mate.
-On the house.
-Thank you.
Hot nuts.
Warm your hands on me hot nuts.
One and two and three
and four and five.
- Ah.
- Okay. Stop. Stop.
I want Prince Charming,
but it's a bit Prince Alarming.
Sorry, Izzy. Got two left feet.
Toned feet, but...
No, it's me. Really.
Callum, do you mind?
Jill, may I?
-From the top.
-Right. Okay. Watch and learn.
Oh.
Bravo, Jill!
Brenda, please.
I wasn't even warmed up.
All right, my darlings.
Back to the top.
Keep the snow
and sleigh rides
Come on, let's go!
Keep the gifts beneath
the tree
Oh, this is the best!
Come on, hurry up!
-Jill.
-Thank you.
Yeah, come on! Let's go!
'Cause all I ever wanted
Was nothing I got and
Santa, can't you hear me?
Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh
I don't need a thing
I sent a letter to you
On how to make my dreams come
true, yeah, yeah
What I want for Christmas
Hasn't come
and I've been so blue
Tell me, what can I do?
Oh, yeah
Keep the mistletoe
Keep the mistletoe
Unless below is what I need
What I need
Santa, can't you hear me?
Santa, can't you hear me?
Yes!
You was amazing today.
You were too.
Can I buy you a drink?
Sure.
Great.
Good morning, Albert.
Yeah. Morning, Brad.
How's young Emma doing?
She's good, thank you.
I think she's really
enjoying herself.
Ah.
She'll be down in a minute.
-May I?
-Yeah, of course.
Yes, of course.
Wow.
Albert,
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
When did she pass? Your wife?
Emma and I saw
the dresses upstairs.
My husband passed
nine years ago.
New Year's Eve, in fact.
On stage.
Malcolm and I were
pantomime dames.
Rivals at first.
But, er, 1979 we got
asked to work together.
Cinderella, Oldham Coliseum.
He was a cocky little thing.
I suppose
that's why I liked him.
Cheeky, like you.
We toured every year.
Made all our own frocks.
Birmingham, Newcastle.
Hull.
Nottingham.
Until 1992.
What made you stay in Stoneford?
Oh, we were so damn popular,
they put us in every year.
Most pantomimes
have one dame, you see?
But here, there were always two.
And people in the town,
oh, God, they loved us.
We couldn't go anywhere.
Year round, autographs.
Then selfies.
The Stoneford Christmas lights.
Until that Christmas.
Last show of the year.
Poor Malcolm.
As the final curtain fell,
he was out like a light himself.
I never went on stage again.
Albert, I'm so sorry.
Why do you work the stage door?
You don't need the money.
Theatre's not about money, lad.
Theatre's about
love, passion, people.
I devoted my whole life to it
and I haven't regretted it
for one single moment.
Come on, Dad.
Let's get you to rehearsals.
Good morning, Albert.
Good morning, my dear.
Thank you, Albert.
Thank you.
Take care.
You are a complete
waste of space, Buttons.
I have no idea why we pay you.
But you don't pay me,
Baron Hardup.
- That's because I am hard up.
- Oh, matron.
Yeah. Why do you
need money anyway, Buttons?
Yeah, that's right.
We all thought:
The only need is me!
What?
Why else would you be
killing time in panto land?
Yeah, we're not
in Hollywood now,
-are we, Buttons?
-Yeah, that's right.
Has anyone seen your career?
It's behind you.
Why are you
saying that? Stop it.
I know, darling.
It's just topical jokes.
It's the same with
the star turn in every panto.
Just a little light ribbing,
dear.
Well, I'm proud
of those films, okay,
so you can take that out now.
What are you gonna do? Quit?
I don't think so, ducky.
Oh, that's right.
Swan off to your agent.
What agent?
Oh, he's gone.
Oh, Mr Mac.
Mr Mac.
-Sign out, Mr Mac.
-Wait!
Miss Mac.
Miss Mac!
Dad.
Emma, please just
go back inside. Okay?
No. I'm starting to think that
Mum was right about you.
-All you care about is yourself.
-What?
She says
you keep trying to run away.
I didn't really
understand until now.
That's not true, okay?
It's not fair.
Come back in,
okay, for me, please.
Hey.
Ah.
I really want to thank you for
making me come back inside.
You know, I wanna do this play
because of you
and I think I really had fun.
You were really good, Dad.
Thank you.
Salted caramel surprise?
What's the surprise?
Erm, soft in the centre.
Ha, ha, ha.
Maybe they could go
a little easier on me
with the jokes about my career.
They were really funny.
I might be being
oversensitive about this,
but I just don't think
that I'm ready to start joking
about the career
I'm about to lose.
What are you
talking about, Brad?
The jokes only work
because you are a star.
It's a thing we do in England.
It's called taking the piss.
Now come on, it's time for
the school prize-giving.
Not quite the Oscars,
but we should get going.
You ready?
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la, la la la
Mr Mac, this is an honour.
-Martin. The head.
-Pleasure.
-Mulled wine.
-Actually...
It's a British tradition,
Mr Mac.
Well, German. But still.
Hey, Cara.
Why don't you show Emma around.
Thank you.
Gonna earn my keep.
Good luck.
Hello, Stoneford!
Today I'd like to welcome
Hollywood actor Brad Mac,
who is here to
present our Christmas awards.
Now, it's so important
that children be inspired
by the theatre.
That's why our students
take their annual trip
to London to see
the best theatre
this country has to offer.
Macbeth at Shakespeare's Globe.
Emma.
Still, if you're
looking for something
a little more fun
this Christmas,
be sure to catch Mr Mac
in Stoneford's
Christmas pantomime.
Now, shall we get
the prize-giving underway?
Let's get things started with
this year's highly coveted prize
for most improved attendance.
-And the winner is...
-Where's my daughter?
Grace?
Emma's around here somewhere.
-Jill.
-Who? Who's Jill?
Because you know, she was meant
to be home at 12 o'clock
and your phone is off
and it's half past three.
-I was rehearsing.
-Because the hotel said you left
and I can't get a hold
of your agent
because actually it turns out
you don't have
an agent anymore.
-Mum.
-Oh, darling.
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, okay.
Sweetheart,
we're gonna go to London now.
Grace, please don't do this.
We're having
such a good time, right, Em?
I'm going
to be in the pantomime.
No, no, no, no.
That's not something
to be proud of, Em.
What is it that we say about
pantomimes, Spencer? What the...
Lowest common
denominator entertainment.
Well, that's not true.
They're hugely popular.
That's good you're
popular somewhere, eh, Brad?
Come on, let's go.
-I don't want to.
-I'm sorry?
I want to stay with Dad.
Your father abandoned you, Emma.
So he could stay in Hollywood
and make sequel after sequel,
and buy orchid after orchid.
He promised.
But your father makes
a lot of promises,
Emma, promises he always breaks.
So, no, you will
not be in the pantomime.
He probably won't even make it
to opening night, will you?
So, come on, let's go.
Grace, please just stop.
This is not fair.
We both agreed
that Emma would stay with you
because you told me
that's what was best for her,
and now I'm just
starting to think
that that's what's best for you.
I get it. I've been a bad dad.
Okay?
Thoughtless, selfish. Emma.
I promise that stops now.
I will never run away
from you again.
Most improved attendance.
It's ironic.
Mr Mac.
- Rachel McDonald.
- She's not here.
Not again.
How are you?
Read that.
'From Hero to Zero.
Washed-up B-list movie star
ends career with not a bang,
but a whimper.'
Where did this come from?
My ex-agent didn't like
the good press
that I was getting,
so she gave them
an alternative narrative.
I was hoping that coming here
would change my life
and boy has it,
it's made it worse.
Come on, cheer up.
Things will get better.
No, not for me. Not here.
I'm done.
I'm going home.
I don't care what it costs.
And what about us?
This is our life here, Brad.
This is who we are.
If you run away and leave us
in the lurch, we are the ones
who end up paying the price.
I'm being humiliated, Jill.
But look at Albert on stage door
putting you up for nowt.
Cassandra, holding your hand
through every step
of the process.
And then me.
Muggins. Along for the ride.
Okay. Forget it.
Because
it's all about you, Brad.
'Cause that's how
it's always been.
Your wife's right.
Ex-wife.
Yeah. I'm not surprised.
Bar person,
one more for the road.
Oh, where's Nigel?
It's his day off.
Oh.
Only joking.
As if I'd get a day off.
Anyway, mate,
you want to take it easy.
Yeah, you've gotta turn on
the Christmas lights.
What do you think
I'm dressed for?
Hello.
Ich bin...
German.
Jesus.
Brenda, you're a connoisseur.
of fine liquid entertainment.
The biggest turnout
we've had
for a Christmas light switch
on ever.
I think you might
have had enough.
Welcome to the stage
the mayor of Stoneford!
It worked for Burton.
So let's give
the cast of Cinderella
a huge Stoneford wel--
Thank you, Mr Mayor.
Hello, Stoneford.
Oi, Buttons!
Gonna have another meltdown?
-Shut up, you loser.
-Ooh.
I'm Bradley Mac-- Ow!
So that's how it is now.
I'm just a joke to you all.
Spiderman's here.
Okay.
-How's this for laughs?
-Whoa!
I can be funny.
Son of a bitch!
I can be the clown.
You're fired.
It seems like the only thing
I can't be is a good actor.
-Something like that?
-We're screwed.
Good father.
You are literally first in line
for worst parent
of the year award.
-Even a good person.
-But he promised.
But your father makes
a lot of promises, Emma.
Promises he always breaks.
- Anyone seen your career?
- It's behind you.
What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?!
You want a villain?
I'll be your villain.
Yeah.
Here's this.
Merry Christmas.
Mr Mac. You are under arrest.
And before you ask, yep,
community police officer.
Help me up.
Yeah.
Mr Mac.
I'm up. I'm up.
I need to talk to my lawyer.
They've been contacted.
They want you to know
they're on the way.
When are they getting here?
No idea.
Er, listen, do you mind
if I have a selfie?
Sure.
Cheers.
Oh. Smile.
Cheers.
Are you all right?
No.
Yesterday I had everything.
Friends, a job.
My daughter loved me.
And I screwed it all up.
What's gonna happen now?
Well, you're up
in front of the magistrates
Wednesday morning,
and normally you'd remain in
police custody until then.
However, on this occasion,
a respectable member
of the community
has come forward
and vouched for you,
so we're happy to release you
into their care
until the hearing.
A respectable member
of the community?
Yeah.
Hey, sorry
about what I said at the pub.
Well, you're probably right.
Whatever it is you said.
Officer.
Downstairs.
I'll make us a brew.
Oh...
I was so stupid.
When Grace took her away,
the way she looked at me.
I'll never get it outta my head.
She was so disappointed.
She'll understand.
In time.
That's the thing. With Emma,
I'm running out of time.
If I'm convicted
and I get a record,
they won't let me back
in the country.
It'll be years
before I can see her again.
I'm spiralling downward
and I don't know why.
'Cause this pantomime,
with Albert and Emma,
even the ugly sisters,
this is the best time I've
ever had and it's 'cause of you.
Thanks.
-Cara. Cara!
-She's out.
You're not supposed
to have a key, Kieran.
I just wanna
see my daughter, Jill.
Well, she's not here,
so you gotta leave.
-Got him here with you?
-It's not what you think.
Since when you care
about what I think?
I wanna take Carla
down to London with me.
No, the pantomime is
opening tomorrow night.
-You promised.
-Yeah.
That was when
your head was straight
and not full of all this
Hollywood rubbish.
She's my daughter as well, Jill.
She's my daughter as well.
Only days ago I was standing
outside Stoneford Theatre Royal.
But there's a rather
different stage set for today.
Stoneford Courthouse,
where the fate of Brad Mac
and the local pantomime
will be decided.
Sweetheart, you sure
you're not gonna join us?
I don't think I can face it
and I have to fetch
Cara from ballet.
So I'll just
meet you here later.
What if Brad goes down?
Then you'll have to get
Pierce Brosnan on the phone.
Alright, darling, see you later.
Brad's fearsome legal team
flew in overnight
on an actual private jet
from Hollywood.
That's right, carbon destroyers,
but hopefully
not career destroyers.
Back to you in the studio.
We got this, Brad. Fear not.
You know I'm the best
defence lawyer in California.
I'm also the cheapest.
-Really?
-Oh, no, no.
I'm just making a joke
to lighten things up.
All rise.
Will the defendant please stand.
Mr Theobald Washington,
you have been charged...
Objection.
Who the hell
is Theobald Washington?
That's my real name.
Theobald.
For real?
You chose Brad Mac?
I chose Bradley Apollo McDonald.
Oh.
Carry on, Basil.
...with the destruction
of city property and being
drunk and disorderly in public.
-How do you plead?
-Not guilty.
Well done, Brad!
Silence!
Thank you.
Your Honour,
my name is Sukie Huntington III
from the Los Angeles Law firm of
Brown, Johnson, Klein, Robinson,
Ashwell, Lopez, and...
erm, oh, yeah, me, Huntington.
Proceed.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury--
Er, this is a magistrate court,
Miss Huntington.
There's no jury.
It's Ms. I'm divorced.
Just like this court.
Divorced from reality.
For my client has numerous
mitigating circumstances.
Not only is he a celebrity,
he is also a member
of a minority.
Which minority
are you referring to?
He's American, Your Honour.
Mr Magistrate, can I please
say a few words?
If you must.
Two weeks ago, I didn't even
know Stoneford existed.
And then someone will throw
a plate of shaving foam
directly into your face.
And then...
Mr Brosnan? Mr Brosnan?
I certainly didn't know
what a pantomime was.
Er, so to find myself on stage
playing Buttons in Cinderella
came as quite a shock.
That's not an excuse
for losing control.
More my attempt
at an explanation.
You have to let him off,
Your Honour.
The Panto needs Brad Mac.
Stoneford needs Brad Mac.
Don't be too hard on him,
Your Honour.
Yeah, that's our job.
Don't bang up Buttons!
Don't bang up Buttons!
Don't bang up Buttons!
Don't bang up Buttons!
Silence!
I've had quite enough
of this nonsense.
Oh, no, you haven't.
Oh, yes I... have. Enough!
You're turning this courtroom
into a pantomime,
and this case into a joke.
Pantomime is not a joke,
Your Honour.
Excuse me?
The pantomime.
It's not a joke.
The Christmas pantomime
brings entire
communities together,
young and old.
For the young people,
it's probably
the first time
they'll ever see a theatre.
And for the older people
in the community, like myself,
it gives us a chance
to reconnect with the young ones
through a shared smile
or a laugh.
Besides, the Christmas pantomime
makes enough money
to keep Stoneford's theatre
going all year round.
Without the pantomime,
the theatre would
probably close
and be gone forever.
Thank you, Mr Mac.
Can I please
just say one more thing?
I know you think
the panto is silly,
and in places it is, by design.
But I beg you
to come see Cinderella,
not just to see what's happening
on stage, but to look around
at the faces of the audience.
You'll see something that's
so special, so rare.
You'll see pure joy.
And at the end of the day,
Your Honour,
isn't that what Christmas
is supposed to be about?
Nice words, Mr Mac, but shall we
get back to the matter in hand?
Yes, sir.
And I have no intention
of banging up Buttons.
I never have.
The crimes he's charged with
aren't even jailable.
Really?
Public intoxication, 200 pounds.
Justice at last!
For heaven's sake, clear off.
My daughter,
he's got my daughter!
Oh, no, he hasn't!
What is wrong with you?
It's Kieran.
He's got Cara.
Jill, I'm here for you.
Whatever you need.
This way.
No, this way.
No, Brad.
It's literally this way.
I'm tracking his phone.
Nigel, we need your help
to save Cara.
You got it, boss.
-Everybody in.
-Come on. Hurry up.
Can you go a bit faster?
He's heading for the motorway.
Emma, darling,
time for your pottery class.
Emma?
Emma. Emma!
She's gone.
She's gone.
Spencer, get the car!
We're going to Stoneford!
Brad, I just want to say
I'm very grateful
that you're doing this.
Of course, we're friends.
-Cara could be dead.
-Dead?
-Dead?
-What?
I thought it was
only a custody battle.
Somebody say custard?
'Cause custody. No? No.
We've left Cassandra behind.
A part in next year's pantomime.
-Are you serious?
-Absolutely, darling.
I mean, that would be wonderful.
I've always thought there
might be a pantomime in me.
And I've always
thought the same about a judge.
Mm-hmm.
That's his car.
Everybody stay here.
Cara.
Cara.
Cara.
Cara! Cara! Cara!
What's all the shouting about?
Where's her daughter?
What do you mean?
Tell me
where her daughter is, now.
What are you talking about?
Stop screwing around, Kieran,
or so help me God.
Or what? You gonna go
and get your stuntman?
Yah!
What are you doing?
Get him, Brad!
What are you doing?
That's humiliating.
Ooh!
Ooh!
-Why are we doing this?
-Because you kidnapped Cara.
What are you talking about?
I just dropped her
at the train station.
What? Train...
Where is she going?
Nowhere. She said
she had to meet a friend.
Yeah, I don't believe you.
I heard you tell Jill
you were taking her to London.
I was.
It's my turn
to have her this year.
Promised her
she could do the pantomime.
I didn't wanna
disappoint her. So...
I'm a crap dad to Cara
and I was a crap husband
to Jill.
You're not a crap dad, okay.
You're there for her.
That's a lot better
than I can say for myself
over the last five years.
One thing
I learnt here in Stoneford,
life isn't gonna go
the way you want it.
It is what it is
and you cannot run away from it.
You just have to embrace it
for all its unpredictability
with everything you've got.
Well, you know,
Cara was doing the panto and...
I would love to
see her on stage, if it's okay.
Of course.
Oh, crap, we gotta go.
Oh...
Cara went to see a friend,
she'll meet us at the theatre.
Let's go!
Driving home for Christmas
Oh, I can't wait to see
those faces
I'm driving home
for Christmas, yeah
I'm moving down the line
It's been so long
But I will be there
I sing this song
To pass the time away
Driving in my car
Driving home for Christmas
Gonna take some time
but I'll get there
You're a big movie star, Mr Mac.
Isn't the role of Buttons
a small part
for someone of your stature?
Well, I'll quote
the great Stanislavski.
There are no small parts,
just small actors.
And how are you enjoying
your time in Stoneford?
-Dad!
-Emma! Excuse me. Sweetheart!
-What are you doing here?
-Mum!
I snuck out of the house
and took the train.
Cara met me at the station.
Oh, sweetheart,
I'm so happy to see you,
but you're 12 years old.
You cannot take a train across
the country by yourself, okay?
Next time, just call me.
Come here.
I see you're getting the hang
of proper parenting.
Better late than never.
Oh, on that subject,
it's time to get into costume.
-Ready?
-Show time.
It's my first theatre.
Once upon a time
in a magical land...
Oh, that must be Buttons.
My oldest and dearest friend.
I can always rely on Buttons.
I said,
I can always rely on Buttons!
Has anyone seen...
You'll do fine.
Needed the lipstick.
One, two, three.
Buttons!
Don't worry, mate.
She's been killing time.
-Cinderella.
-Hmm?
I have a secret.
A secret.
What is it?
Well, a secret's something
you tell someone
that you don't want
anyone else to know.
I'd stick to movies, mate.
Do yourself a favour
and shut your mouth.
I almost forgot my big run-up.
Ooh.
I do my own stunts now.
Just like the other big stars.
Whoo!
They're booing you, Fanny.
They're booing you.
You shan't go to the ball,
Cinderella.
You shan't,
you shan't, you shan't.
Yeah, rip it, rip it.
All you have to do is believe
and magic will happen.
You shall go to the ball,
Cinderella.
Tell you what, mate, there'll be
somebody good looking in here
you can have a little chat with.
Let's see if we can
find a good-looking fella.
Let's have a little look
for a good looking fella, we can
find a good-looking fella.
-See if we can find a...
-Has to be a good-looking fella.
-A good-looking fella.
-Has to be a good-looking fella.
Oh, you sir. You, sir.
Can you see
any good-looking fellas in here?
Pop it on. The doctor says
I've got the feet of an athlete.
No, he said you've got
athlete's foot, it's different.
-Toes are curled.
-Look at those chubby feet.
Hey, you can't say chubby.
That's-- your fattist.
I think you're the fattest.
Sorry about this, Your Highness.
-Yes!
-Oh!
-So we didn't get our prince.
-Never mind.
Who's ready for the big finale?
Thanks, everybody.
We'll see you later. Bye!
I used to bite my tongue
and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat
and make a mess
So I sat quietly
Agreed politely
Guess that I forgot I had
the choice
I let you push me
past my breaking point
I stood for nothing
So I fell for everything
You held me down,
but I got up
Already brushing off
the dust
You hear my voice
You hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake
the ground
You held me down,
but I got up
Get ready 'cause
I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger
A fighter, dancing through
the fire
'Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
You're gonna hear me roar
You're gonna hear me roar
Roar, roar, roar
Roar, roar
I got the eye of the tiger
A fighter, dancing
through the fire
'Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
You're going to
hear me roar
You're going to
hear me roar
So...
Look, I'm no good
at talking about feelings
and stuff like that.
Shut up.
Wow.
My God.
My hands are still shaking.
Darlings, you were marvellous!
Thank you, Albert.
That means the world to me.
Coming from a true panto legend.
You both were.
Well, that's it.
From here on in,
I'm only doing pantomime.
I loved it.
Well that's good 'cause you
still got 49 more shows to go.
What? Are you insane?
Forty-nine more shows?
I can't do that.
Just kidding.
I can't wait.
Brad, wonderful work today.
It's a killing field 7.
Oh, the brake went down.
Sorry. No, I can't...
Buttons.
There you are.
If all else fails,
just dramatically faint.
Really?
-You've missed a bit.
-Oh, God.
She's not even good at cleaning.
-Oh, she's rubbish.
-Oh, ugly as well.
-Ugh.
-Ugh.
And you've sweeped,
it's in my direction!
I've got allergies!
Look at the state of her.
Oh, I'm triggered.
She triggered me.
Again, not exactly sure
what's happening.
Show me what?
That was much better, wasn't it?
Ooh. Mmm. Mmm.
What's happened to Brenda?
We've left Cara behind.
Cassandra, Cassandra.
Katy Perry just called.
She said, I wanna see it again.
I'm gonna fly to Stoneford.
-Mmm.
-Oh, no.
Oh, no, behave!
Whoo!
I wanna have your babies, Brad.
That was marvellous.
Why are we doing this?
Because they're paying us.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Finally, a blooper
you can't use.
And what the case here
clearly needs is...
My daughter!
He's got my daughter!
Judge, you're mistaken.
The only need is me.
-This way!
-No. This way.
Hey!
Where's her daughter?
Watch out!
It's gonna blow!
Cut there.
Reset.
What are you doing?
You know me.
I never do my own stunts.
Clarky boy. You're up.
Well, maybe if you worked out
once in a while, Brad.
Some of the biggest stars
do their own stunts.
Not this big star,
but if you wanna
talk about it further
over drinks?
Mm. Can my husband
and two small children come too?
You're cute.
I'll take a rain check.
-Alf.
-Brad.
Wonderful work today.
It's A Killing Time 7's gonna
be fresher than 4 and 5.
Well, thanks, buddy.
But I still have concerns
over scene 22.
I think I'm coming off
a little unlikeable
and the woman's
really underwritten.
-Well, I may...
-Not now, sugar.
You know what?
I'm gonna sort that for you.
You're my man.
Stand by, everyone.
Good luck, Maggie.
It's Martha.
Who cares?
Hey.
I'm so sorry to ask, Mr Mac,
but would you say it please?
The only need is me.
I'm going to miss these movies.
Miss?
What do you mean, miss?
I don't believe it. They don't
wanna make Killing Time 8?
Still. You had a good run.
We only made seven films.
Each one better than the last.
You know, forget it.
Fine.
What's next?
Listen, Brad,
I'll level with you.
There is no next.
Er, the bottom line is people
don't want to hire you.
What? Why?
'Cause I'm too expensive?
Er, because you're difficult.
You're late on set and you
refuse to do your own stunts.
You don't remember names.
You failed your medicals.
Oh, my God. How many times
do I have to say it?
It was the day after
the Super Bowl.
When me and the boys
get together, stuff goes down.
There's gotta be
some kind of rom-com I can do.
Or a biopic.
We could use this
as an opportunity
for me to really stretch.
With the right makeup artist,
I could play Barack Obama.
-Christ.
-Yeah.
Probably still too young, huh?
Look, there is one thing
knocking around.
What?
-Theatre in England.
-In front of a live audience?
Exactly.
Well, it's something
I've always wanted to do,
but you and I both know I only
ever took that
one film acting class.
I mean, I might be a natural,
but theatre kind of scares me.
-You, scared?
-I've only ever done films.
Well, it's exactly the same.
Just louder.
-Really?
-Yeah.
Are you sure that's it?
Trust me.
Huh.
Louder.
-You know what? Count me in.
-Great.
Now we are talking about a very
traditional production,
but with your name
on the marquee,
it'll sell out in seconds.
Me, a sell out!
You said it, kid, not me.
And doesn't your daughter
live in England?
Yeah. Yeah. Well, I don't get to
see her as much any more.
Well, this is a chance
to reconnect.
We're connected.
I just don't get to see
her as much as I want to.
So. Theatre in England?
Yes!
You know what?
We're gonna show the whole world
what Bradley Mac can do.
Because when
push comes to shove,
the only need is me.
Oh, Jesus.
-Thank you.
-You're welcome.
Would you like to have
a look at the menu, sir?
I'm sorry to disturb you,
but we've been
watching you the whole flight.
My husband and I...
We're just huge fans of
the Killing Time movies.
Thank you.
That's very kind.
It's so inspiring to see
a man of your age
still throw themselves around.
In all fairness, I like
the first one much more than
the last one, but who cares?
-They're fun!
-Yeah.
What kind of woman doesn't
love a cuddly older man?
-Chocolate chip cookie?
-No. I'm good, thanks.
Have a good flight.
Hello, Mr Mac.
Hi.
Hi again.
I'm just in the limo.
-Rented, but still a limo.
-Where are you?
No, I'm outside.
I've got a sign.
You won't miss me.
Where outside?
Just outside arrivals, mate.
Mr Mac, I'm Nigel Brand.
Here to take you to the Savoy.
The Savoy again.
I gotta say, I'm a huge fan.
I just loved Top Gun.
Oh, heated seats as requested.
Oh, and here's your natural
volcanic water, sir.
Thank you.
Snow is falling
all around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
At the parties and
celebrations
People dancing
all night long
Time for presents
and exchanging kisses
Time for singing
Christmas songs
We're gonna have
a party tonight
I'm gonna find that girl
underneath the mistletoe
And kiss by candlelight
The room is swaying,
records playing
All the old songs
we love to hear
Oh, I wish that
every day was Christmas
What a nice way
to spend the year
Whoo, yeah
And on your left, Mr Mac,
you're going to see...
Mr Mac?
We're gonna have
a party tonight
I'm gonna find that girl
underneath the mistletoe
And kiss by candlelight
Snow is falling
All around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
Merry Christmas, everyone
Merry Christmas, everyone
Snow is falling
all around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
Snow is falling
all around me
Children playing,
having fun
It's the season
Love and understanding
Merry Christmas, everyone
Oh, snow is falling
All right. Mr Mac.
Mr Mac.
Mr Mac, we're here.
What are you talking about?
Where's Big Ben?
Harrods? Downton Abbey?
Nah, we missed all that,
sleepyhead,
but welcome, Mr Mac,
to the Savoy.
Now there is currently
no running water,
but you don't mind
skipping a shower day, do you?
-Is this some kind of a joke?
-Is what a joke?
Where the hell's London?
Well, it's three hours
that way, sir.
You are good, my friend.
So this is some kind of
hidden camera show.
I got it from here.
Hey, Jimmy Kimmel, come out from
wherever you're hiding, dude.
Yeah.
Erm, this is your hotel, Mr Mac.
All the big turns
stay at the Savoy Guest House
when they're performing at
Stoneford's Theatre Royal.
Yeah. I'll show you.
Fine.
I'll play along.
-Wow.
-What the...
It's beginning to look
a lot like Christmas
There he is!
Get him! Get him!
Excuse me.
Hello.
Darling, Brad,
here you are at last.
- Welcome to Stoneford,
- Welcome to Stoneford.
He's even more gorgeous
in the flesh.
I'm Callum. The Prince.
Massive fan, mate.
The only need is... yeah.
Yeah.
Not exactly sure
what's going on here,
but obviously there's
-been some kind of...
-Brenda. Fairy godmother.
Izzy, Cinderella.
-Fanny.
-And Annie.
-We're the ugly stepsisters.
-We do it every Christmas.
-Yeah, and on birthdays.
-Oh, you are filthy!
Bababa, Bababa. Russell.
Baron Hardup.
Hilda from box office.
Jean the cleaner.
Jonty on sound.
Frank on lights.
Neigh.
Your distinguished director
Cassandra Collins, OBE,
under me, over me.
-And you are?
-Jill, the choreographer.
And I hate to be a realist,
but we've only got a few days
to get this show on the road.
So if everyone's
finished fawning,
let's take it
from the top of act one.
You'll need these tap shoes.
Er, stop. Everybody.
Just stop for a second, please.
Again, not sure
what's happening here.
But I definitely did not
sign up for this.
Sorry, for what, duck?
This, whatever this is.
What is this?
A low-rent production of Cats?
Darling.
It's a pantomime.
A panto-what?
Cinderella!
And you are our Buttons.
Oh, no, I'm not!
Oh, yes, you are!
Is it the large, padded horse
that's throwing you off?
Okay. Brenda, darling,
why don't you show him?
Show me what?
Pantomime, Brad,
or panto for short,
is an annual British tradition.
A quintessential part
of Christmas.
Think fairy tales, but fun!
Aladdin, Cinderella,
Dick Whittington...
I beg your pardon?
You've got men dressed as women.
Women dressed as men.
Horses played by people plus
pop songs and pyrotechnics.
Always a happy ending
with an enormous explosion
covering the whole auditorium.
Brenda, try not to be so crude.
There are children present.
Double entendres too, Brad,
you like those, I'm sure.
Mind you, there're a lot
to get your mouth around.
Alright, my darlings, we begin.
Oh my God.
You look like fun to me
You look a little like
somebody I know
Come on, sheeple!
How this ends because
I'll be in your head
all weekend
Shivers and butterflies
I get the shivers
when I look into your eyes
And I can tell
that you're all in
Because I can hear
your heart beating
Padam, padam, padam
I hear it and I know
Padam, padam, I know
you want to take me home
Keep up the energy.
Remember,
people are paying for this.
When your heart goes padam
It'll all make sense
eventually, dear.
I know you want
to take me home, padam
And take off all my clothes,
padam, padam
When your heart goes padam
Ha-ha! Yes!
Right.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Thank you for wasting my time.
Good luck.
Never say good luck
in the theatre, Brad.
Yeah.
We're cursed.
Brad.
What's the problem?
You're kidding.
What's the problem?
Okay, here's the problem.
I'm stuck here in Hookeyville
somewhere north of nowhere,
surrounded by singing sheep
and ageing alcoholics.
Okay.
You are my agent.
You need to get me out of here
as quickly as possible.
Oh, but Brad, you did
read the script, right?
No, not, not...
And the terms of the contract?
Get out of the road, you idiot.
Exactly.
Look, honey,
I've been your agent for years,
and the fact of the matter is,
you're lazy, ungrateful,
and I've had just about
enough rider requests
for one lifetime.
Nobody needs
a new pair of briefs
every single day.
Brad Apollo Mac, it gives me
the greatest of pleasures
to finally say, you're fired.
Oh, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
You are fired.
Too late, buster.
You're already off the books.
You're gonna
hear from my lawyer.
Who cares?
Your lawyer hates you too.
Merry Christmas, Buttons.
I wouldn't worry about it, mate.
Gandalf's done it too.
He still does, in fact.
Sir Ian McKellen's
done pantomime?
Oh, yeah.
All the big names.
David Hasselhoff,
Pamela Anderson,
Barry off EastEnders.
-Eh?
-I'm dead.
All right then.
Here we are.
Wow.
I don't really need
a themed room,
a regular one'll do.
What you mean, themed?
Hello, girls.
Kieran, what are you doing here?
I'm not gonna let you walk home
in the dark on your own, am I?
-So jump in the motor.
-It's a short walk. We're fine.
It's winter, Jill.
There's a lot of naughty people
knocking about,
you know, like burglars.
Oh, you've heard
about that, have you?
Of course I have.
-Everyone's talking about it.
-Yeah.
Well, I hope you're not
mixed up in any of it.
Put the top up, Kieran.
It's freezing.
How's my baby?
I'm 13.
Well, you'll always be my baby.
You're looking forward
to spending Christmas
with your old dad this year?
-What?
-It's my turn.
She's got a part in the panto.
We discussed this.
Well, that was before I knew
that you were both working
with that Killing Time mug.
So, yeah.
Christmas with
all your London cousins.
You'd like that,
wouldn't you, Cara?
Oh, well, I'll give you a bell.
Love you, baby.
No, that's disgusting.
Oh, crap.
Hey, Grace, how are you?
Oh, Brad, are you in England?
Er, yeah, I'm at a
silent shamanic retreat.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Mmm.
Any plans
to see your daughter at all?
Can't really talk right now.
Gotta stay quiet.
Convenient.
Emma, darling, it's Daddy.
Okay, fine, Grace. I was
supposed to do a play here.
Okay?
In the theatre.
Exciting times.
Who's the playwright, Brad?
-Oh, Spencer, you're there too?
-Marlow? Jonson?
It's gonna be down
in Stoneford, okay?
Hey, Em.
Hi, sweetheart.
Hi, Dad.
Mum says you're in England.
That's right, governor.
-Don't do the accent.
-Yeah. Okay.
Look, sweetheart,
the sad thing is I don't think
I'm gonna
be able to see you on this trip.
Well, but you said that
last time.
-And the time before that.
-And the time before that.
I know, I know, okay.
But this time is not my fault.
I'm not gonna be here long.
I've been conned.
They weren't even gonna
give me a Winnebago.
But what about Christmas?
Christmas.
Ugh.
Oh, honey, I am so sorry.
I promise I'm gonna
make it up to you, okay?
Hey, you liked
that Amazon gift card
I gave you last year, right?
That way you can get
exactly what you want.
Don't worry, Dad.
Mum always told me to
manage my expectations.
A pretty good
life lesson, actually.
Oh, honey, I'm so sorry.
Please don't be mad
at me, okay?
I promise
I will make it up to you.
But now you sleep tight,
my little angel.
Oh no,
this is actually happening.
Wait, Mr Mac.
I gotta say, Mr Mac,
I'm surprised you didn't flee
in the middle of the night.
Imagine that.
Mad dash to the airport,
straight onto a private jet.
But then again, I know you
wouldn't do that to us.
That's a big bag
for a rehearsal, innit?
Hey, hey, hey, hey, hey.
Excuse me?
Sign in please.
Mr Mac.
It's ten past ten.
You are late.
It's fine. I won't be staying.
Why is my name
not at the top of the list?
Well, it's alphabetical, Mr Mac.
Huh.
The name's Albert, by the way.
Albert with an A.
I know your game.
Yeah.
Ciao, Brad.
Yeah, I know.
Hello.
Goodbye.
So sad.
Now, I take it
you've read the script.
Sandra,
if I had read this script,
I wouldn't have
gotten on the plane.
You are hilarious.
So we're gonna be starting
with scene three.
It's a tricky one, mind.
Wonderful.
Places, please, darlings.
Oh, hello, Buttons.
There you are.
Weren't you supposed to be with
the fairy in the dairy?
-The fairy in the dairy, Fanny?
-That's right, Annie.
Far better
than being on the hunt with...
Wait a second. Why is there
plastic on the floor?
And why are you wearing a wig?
In the script it says...
Son of a bitch!
You should have known
from my contract.
I don't do my own stunts.
Somebody call me a car!
You're a car.
-You're a jerk.
-Don't worry, Bradders.
It was an absolute honour to
be punched in the face by you.
You can even do it harder
next time.
Oh, yeah,
Brad, she likes it hard.
Ooh, Fanny.
Okay, that's it. I quit.
I'm on the red eye tonight.
Have you got
pink eye, darling?
I've got a cream
that's good for that.
What's wrong with you people?
Actually, Brad, darling,
you, erm, you can't quit.
Excuse me?
Oh, yes.
Cassie's right, darling.
Your clever little agent
added in a liability clause.
Yep.
If you fail to perform
even just one show,
you're liable to be sued for
loss of proceeds
for the entire run.
Ooh, I think I might be able
to muster the six bucks.
Mm. The last time I looked,
I think
it was two million pounds.
Three million, actually.
You see, Christmas pantomimes
make the money
that keeps theatres open
all year round.
Without that revenue,
a lot of theatres
would be forced to close down.
This one included.
Yeah. Sorry, sorry. Yeah.
That is three million pounds,
not dollars.
Okay, darling.
I'm gonna need some privacy.
Oh. Please don't go, Brad.
Hate you, Brad? No.
Why would I hate you?
Your NDAs alone
paid for my new pool.
Okay, good.
Good. That's great.
So am I free?
Well, sadly, Brad,
the contract's pretty tight.
Unless there's some
kind of force majeure.
An explosion, tsunami,
collapse of the Western world,
which, let's face it,
isn't far away.
You're doing this, I'm afraid.
No, no, no, Sukie, please.
I can't.
Why is this happening to me?
Well, your agent
made a pretty solid deal.
Judas.
No, Julie.
You really gotta get better
at remembering people's name.
Hey...
What if I just walked,
got on a plane and went home?
Oh, then they will sue
and trust me, they will win.
But, hey, look on
the bright side, Brad,
this pantomime thing's
surprisingly well paid.
It is?
Sure, and given
the state of your finances,
I would stay put if I were you.
What about my finances?
Oh, Brad, please.
Five houses, one divorce,
200 K a year on tulips.
Your spending
is out of control.
Why can't anyone get this right?
It was $200,000 over two years.
And they weren't tulips.
They were orchids from Namibia.
Well, Namibia
it in the butt, pal,
because the bottom line is,
it's Buttons or bust.
I'm screwed.
Everybody's a comedian.
Right then, what can I get you?
Oh, hello, Brad.
-So you work here too?
-Course I do.
Cost of living, mate,
can never have too many jobs.
You're telling me. I used to be
the face of Breitling,
Gucci, Constipate.
Exactly as it sounds.
Anyways, I'll have
a sparkling kombucha,
a pistachio quinoa power bowl,
and a side order of
organic kale,
low-alkaline please.
-Yeah, we don't have that.
-Which part?
Any of it.
Fine. I'll take your average,
run-of-the-mill sushi.
Thank you.
Hi, Brad.
Hello, teenage girl.
I'm in the pantomime. Cara.
-Of course you are.
-For the Gram.
Oh, God.
I wish I had a gram right now.
Listen, Brad, I just wanted
to apologise for yesterday
for being a bit rude.
It's just we don't have
much time to rehearse.
And you being five days late
wasn't exactly helpful.
I'm five days late?
Oh, like you didn't know that.
Of course not. 'Cause I'm not
supposed to be here.
My agent tricked me.
I'm supposed to be playing
Macbeth at the Globe.
Oh, well,
you'd freeze your tits off.
That place doesn't even
have a roof.
Okay. This was my chance to be
taken seriously as an actor.
And now that's
not gonna happen.
Pantomime is serious.
I'm starting to think you
might be a little serious.
You have a daughter,
don't you, Brad? Emma.
Yes. I may have Wikipedia-ed it.
Can you just imagine her looking
at you on the stage putting
massive smiles
on everyone's faces?
Yeah, that's not gonna happen.
Not exactly the world's greatest
dad right now.
Kids are for life, Brad,
not just for Christmas.
And think of Stoneford too.
Do you honestly think
anyone's gonna care?
Er, hello. Look around.
So if you're thinking
of leaving us, Mr Mac,
better do so soon
'cause we'd need
to find another Buttons.
-What the hell is that?
-Sushi.
I googled it.
Well, it looks like you win.
I, Bradley Mac,
three-time Razzie nominee,
will be your Buttons.
-Bravo!
-Marvellous!
Hey,
it's dead flattering that, Brad.
Welcome to
the madhouse, darling.
-Who wants a gin?
-Brenda. Not now.
First things first.
I wanna start
with the motivational speech
between Buttons and Cinderella.
Er, sorry, darling...
Erm, motivational speech?
Yeah. Where he tells her
to stay strong
in the face of adversity.
I've done it a hundred times.
Remember? Killing Time 2.
-I was four when that came out.
-Yeah, same.
All I have to do is get my head
in the character
and it should be smooth sailing
from there.
Absolutely, darling,
give us your best shot.
Oh, heavens. He's gonna go
all Method on us, Brenda.
He's not the only one.
Don't cry, Cinderella.
Your stepmother
and stepsister are mean
because that's their nature.
Things will get better.
You just have to believe.
And magic will happen.
Can I just, er,
stop you for a moment, Brad?
Too good? I don't want
to show up the others.
Almost too good. Yup.
Now, Brad, darling, you are
used to film where the camera
can give you
a lovely big close-up
with the microphone
and the edits.
Hey, I'm ready for my close-up,
Mr Mac.
No one's interested
in your muscles, Callum.
-Speak for yourself, love.
-Want a go on that?
But on stage,
it is completely different.
You have to project,
you have to go big.
I know that.
I know that.
Louder.
Louder.
-Okay. Big, big.
-Gorgeous.
And... action!
Don't cry, Cinderella!
Your stepmother and stepsisters
are mean to you
because it's their nature!
Things will get better!
Something like that?
-Mm-hmm. Mm.
-We're screwed.
Grace.
How's my favourite ex-wife?
Oh, what do you care?
Now, listen,
you can pick Emma up tomorrow.
You should consider yourself
very lucky.
-Tomorrow?
-Yes.
And do not
let her down this time.
What do you mean, this time?
Oh, come on, Brad.
Forget the Oscars.
You are literally first in line
for Worst parent
of the Year award.
Some parents are just
so selfish, aren't they?
What the...?
-I'll be there.
-Good.
Oh, Brad, I'm so sorry, mate.
Come here.
-Don't.
-Yeah, no, fair enough.
-We've been broken into.
-What?
Yeah.
Your suite's been ransacked.
Why don't you just get me
another room with a bigger lock?
I would love to, but we,
we are chock full of Santas
and we're the only hotel
in town.
Well then, Mr Mac, you'd better
come and stay at my place.
Thank you, Albert.
But I don't want to put you out.
Oh, it's fine.
We'll find a way
to squeeze you in.
I could bring whatever's
left of your stuff.
Thanks, Nigel.
Yeah, you're welcome, mate.
Stay safe.
Wow. It was
very thoughtful of you, Alby.
Hey, Albert, please.
Really like
the electric car too.
Very green of you.
What's all this?
This is my life, my whole life.
Huh.
You're upstairs.
Er, first floor.
-I've got a question.
-The answer is yes.
Madly in love with each other,
but no,
neither of them has a clue.
I'll get it.
-Yeah.
-I'll get it.
Right. Brad.
Dare I say, we're gonna
attempt to put you in.
-God help us.
-Fine.
Just remember,
I don't do my own stunts.
You don't do your own stunts.
Got it.
Right. To save time,
we're gonna divvy up
some your lines to other people.
I'm a light tenor.
How about you?
A little heavier,
but I can sing.
Jill, is this a good time
to tell you
that I can actually sing
and I'm a pretty good dancer?
Of course you are.
Callum.
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
With the kids jingle belling
and everyone telling you
Be of good cheer
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
It's the hap-happiest
season of all
With those holiday greetings
and gay happy meetings
When friends come to call
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
There'll be parties
for hosting
Marshmallows for toasting
And carolling out
in the snow
There'll be
scary ghost stories
And tales of the glories of
Christmases long, long ago
It's the most
wonderful time of the year
There'll be much mistletoeing
and hearts will be glowing
When loved ones are near
It's the most
wonderful time
Yes, the most
wonderful time
Oh, the most wonderful time
Of the year
Bravo!
It's the most
wonderful time
It's the most
wonderful time
It's the most wonderful time
of the year
Ah, this is gonna be
our best panto ever.
Yeah, that was supposed
to be my song.
Oh, Russell,
darling, don't worry.
You can take a lead
on another one.
Yeah. Only if I get to pick.
I'd like to do
Engelbert Humperdink's
Only With a Man Without Love.
Hmm.
That'll really get them going.
It used to, darling.
Izzy. What's going on?
Oh, no.
It's all right, Brad.
We don't have to do this.
Do what?
Well, I know you like to date
your co-stars, but seriously,
you're old enough
to be my granddad.
Wow.
Wow.
Truth is,
I was just gonna ask you
what's going on
between you and Callum.
Oh, oh, sorry.
That, erm,
well, nothing, I guess.
Every year we do the panto
and every year we just
sort of grow apart.
Too much brawn,
not enough brains.
I hate those guys.
Well, at least I now know
what I need to ask Santa for.
What, brains?
No. Something to
stuff your stocking with.
It's double entendre.
You're getting it.
No, you're getting it
from Callum.
Too much?
Bren, darling.
What's the matter?
It's my digs.
I've been broken into.
No, not another one.
Digs is what they call the
accommodation actors stay in.
Gosh. Thanks, Gillian.
Hey, don't call me Gillian.
Stoneford just isn't
what it was.
I mean,
we were a community once.
Now look,
blighted by petty crime.
Yeah, we all know
who's behind that.
How else can he drive that car?
Hey, Kieran!
Leave him, Brenda, please.
I don't know why you
are sticking up for him.
Jill.
Jill, that ex-husband
of yours is a bad 'un
if ever there was one.
Right then,
who's getting this round?
Are you serious?
You work here too?
Yeah.
Cough up, rich boy.
Oh, 200 grand for orchids.
It was a hundred grand a year
and they were from Namibia.
-Oh.
-Oh.
Another round
for everybody on me.
Well,
I'll see you tomorrow I guess.
Yeah. Not too many late night
bars around here, are there?
Around here?
Nah. I do have a bottle of wine
in the fridge though.
Oh. Erm...
Mind you, hey, carbs in it.
Right. Gotta look after
the temple.
Yeah.
Here he is.
-Oi, oi!
-Stoneford's action hero.
Look at him. Look.
Come on then, show us
some of your moves, huh?
The only need is me.
I don't want any trouble.
Come on.
Course you don't. You know why?
'Cause you're a little
scaredy cat, ain't you?
You couldn't even block that...
No wonder
you ended up in this dump.
-You're a hopeless loser.
-Go home, Kieran. Now.
I'm having a laugh, Jill.
Let's go, boys.
Jill.
I'll see you tomorrow, Brad.
Never do nothing right.
All you have to do
is stand up for yourself.
Huh?
Hey!
-Stay where you are! Stop!
-Leg it!
Somebody stop them!
What's going on?
He's behind you.
Don't come any closer.
Ah, me sole!
- Stay down.
- Mate, you saved us!
I got it all on video too.
Well done, sir. Nice one.
Thank you.
Arms behind your back. Police.
We've got
his accomplice as well.
Looks like the Stoneford
crime spree's over.
Hang on a minute, aren't you...?
I am.
I think I broke it.
247 to base. You'll never guess
who I've just seen.
247. Surprise me.
Hollywood movie star Brad Mac
put his trademark action moves
into action last night.
Not on some
Hollywood studio lot,
but here in the sleepy town
of Stoneford in England.
Mr Mac may not
have been kung fu fighting,
but his unusual routine
is said to have been
inspired by this,
Stoneford's Theatre Royal,
where in just
a few days' time,
Brad Mac takes to the stage
as Buttons in Cinderella.
Here he is! Here he is!
Oh, Mr Mac, can I ask
exactly what happened?
Well, I think I did what
any concerned citizen would do.
Er, I saw two men trying to rob
a home and I chased them.
And apprehended them?
No, the police did that.
But I like to think that
I did my part.
Two men are now in custody.
It turns out they were part of
a criminal gang that have been
targeting towns
in the local area.
Police are confident
that further arrests
will follow and that the gang's
crime spree
has been put to a stop.
All thanks to you, Brad Mac.
How's the panto going?
Oh, great.
Thank you for asking.
Thank you. Erm, yeah, strength
to strength like my career.
And if you'll excuse me,
I'm gonna go spend the rest of
the day with my daughter.
Thank you.
Thank you.
Mr Mac?
Quick, Brenda,
why don't you tell them
about your one night encounter
with Ozzy Osborne in 1985?
Oh, with pleasure.
-Spencer.
-Grace!
Spider-Man's here.
Wasn't in Spider-Man.
No? I wouldn't know.
I don't watch mainstream movies.
I prefer C inma Franais.
I like French films.
Move, Spencer.
Dad, you finally made it!
Oh, sweetheart,
I am so happy to see you.
We're gonna
have a fabulous day, okay?
When do you need her back?
Oh, after lunch is fine.
Well, that's not gonna give us
a lot of time.
After lunch on Monday.
Three whole days!
Yeah!
Can Daddy talk with Mummy
privately please?
Come on, let's.
We'll be right back.
Okay.
I can't do three days.
I'm rehearsing.
I'm sure you can get one of your
little minions to sort it out.
Okay, Grace.
Minions are cartoons.
Everyone knows that.
No, no, no.
Tough, tough, tough.
We are going to Paris because,
newsflash, we are exhausted.
Yeah. I only get a bonus
four times a year.
Okay. Newsflash, Spencer,
your bonus is $25,000 a month
I pay her in alimony.
Grace, you cannot
spring this on me.
You haven't seen her
twice in the last two years.
This is finally your chance.
-I'm working.
-You're always working.
You're a big boy.
Figure it out.
Well, kiddo, looks like it's
you and me for three whole days.
-Where are we going?
-To the North, me little mucker.
-Dad!
-I know.
Come on.
So this is it.
-Stoneford Theatre Royal.
-You're in a pantomime?
-Yeah. Sorry.
-What do you mean, sorry?
I love panto.
You do?
But why are you so young?
Is it set in the past?
How dare you!
Ah!
I wanna introduce you
to a man named Albert. Come on.
Oh, hello, Emma.
My name's Albert.
Yeah, well, come on in, love.
Make yourself at home.
Thank you.
Wow.
Talk about a hint of colour.
I like it.
Yeah, we should
probably close it up.
Don't worry, sweetheart.
Happens wherever I go.
Dad?
It's December.
You're right.
Thank you.
It's that awful man
from those dreadful films.
-Brad. Hi.
-Gillian.
-Jill!
-Big fan of your work.
Oh, thank you very much.
This is my daughter Emma.
This is my daughter Cara
and her friend Bella.
-Hiya.
-Hi.
Do you wanna go
and grab hot chocolates?
-Yeah, sure. Dad?
-Yeah, of course.
-I'll catch up.
-Great. Let's go.
Jill. Can I have a word?
So Emma's here
all weekend, right?
But we're rehearsing.
And I'm really scared that
she's just gonna be so bored.
Don't worry.
Cara can look out for her.
-Really?
-Yeah.
She can hang out with
all the kids backstage and then
we'll get her on the stage
for that big ballroom scene.
Oh, my God.
That sounds fantastic.
You are a lifesaver.
Whoa.
Actually, Brad,
I have a favour to ask you.
-Yeah?
-Yeah.
On Monday,
the school's holding an event.
The choir
will be singing carols.
-There's a tombola.
-Is that like Ebola?
Not quite.
One's an African disease.
Erm, then there'll be
a prize-giving,
like fun things,
like Best Christmas jumper.
What?
Oh, no, jumper means sweater.
Oh, thank God.
Little dark for Christmas,
right? Aha. Splat.
So we were hoping
someone real famous
might wanna hand out the prizes.
Yeah, I'll do it.
What's the fee?
Er, cup of tea and a bourbon.
Huh. You're cute.
I don't drink when I work.
Hot nuts.
Come and get your hot nuts!
-Nigel. Don't you sleep?
-Of course not, mate.
-On the house.
-Thank you.
Hot nuts.
Warm your hands on me hot nuts.
One and two and three
and four and five.
- Ah.
- Okay. Stop. Stop.
I want Prince Charming,
but it's a bit Prince Alarming.
Sorry, Izzy. Got two left feet.
Toned feet, but...
No, it's me. Really.
Callum, do you mind?
Jill, may I?
-From the top.
-Right. Okay. Watch and learn.
Oh.
Bravo, Jill!
Brenda, please.
I wasn't even warmed up.
All right, my darlings.
Back to the top.
Keep the snow
and sleigh rides
Come on, let's go!
Keep the gifts beneath
the tree
Oh, this is the best!
Come on, hurry up!
-Jill.
-Thank you.
Yeah, come on! Let's go!
'Cause all I ever wanted
Was nothing I got and
Santa, can't you hear me?
Oh-oh, oh, oh-oh, oh
I don't need a thing
I sent a letter to you
On how to make my dreams come
true, yeah, yeah
What I want for Christmas
Hasn't come
and I've been so blue
Tell me, what can I do?
Oh, yeah
Keep the mistletoe
Keep the mistletoe
Unless below is what I need
What I need
Santa, can't you hear me?
Santa, can't you hear me?
Yes!
You was amazing today.
You were too.
Can I buy you a drink?
Sure.
Great.
Good morning, Albert.
Yeah. Morning, Brad.
How's young Emma doing?
She's good, thank you.
I think she's really
enjoying herself.
Ah.
She'll be down in a minute.
-May I?
-Yeah, of course.
Yes, of course.
Wow.
Albert,
can I ask you a question?
Yeah.
When did she pass? Your wife?
Emma and I saw
the dresses upstairs.
My husband passed
nine years ago.
New Year's Eve, in fact.
On stage.
Malcolm and I were
pantomime dames.
Rivals at first.
But, er, 1979 we got
asked to work together.
Cinderella, Oldham Coliseum.
He was a cocky little thing.
I suppose
that's why I liked him.
Cheeky, like you.
We toured every year.
Made all our own frocks.
Birmingham, Newcastle.
Hull.
Nottingham.
Until 1992.
What made you stay in Stoneford?
Oh, we were so damn popular,
they put us in every year.
Most pantomimes
have one dame, you see?
But here, there were always two.
And people in the town,
oh, God, they loved us.
We couldn't go anywhere.
Year round, autographs.
Then selfies.
The Stoneford Christmas lights.
Until that Christmas.
Last show of the year.
Poor Malcolm.
As the final curtain fell,
he was out like a light himself.
I never went on stage again.
Albert, I'm so sorry.
Why do you work the stage door?
You don't need the money.
Theatre's not about money, lad.
Theatre's about
love, passion, people.
I devoted my whole life to it
and I haven't regretted it
for one single moment.
Come on, Dad.
Let's get you to rehearsals.
Good morning, Albert.
Good morning, my dear.
Thank you, Albert.
Thank you.
Take care.
You are a complete
waste of space, Buttons.
I have no idea why we pay you.
But you don't pay me,
Baron Hardup.
- That's because I am hard up.
- Oh, matron.
Yeah. Why do you
need money anyway, Buttons?
Yeah, that's right.
We all thought:
The only need is me!
What?
Why else would you be
killing time in panto land?
Yeah, we're not
in Hollywood now,
-are we, Buttons?
-Yeah, that's right.
Has anyone seen your career?
It's behind you.
Why are you
saying that? Stop it.
I know, darling.
It's just topical jokes.
It's the same with
the star turn in every panto.
Just a little light ribbing,
dear.
Well, I'm proud
of those films, okay,
so you can take that out now.
What are you gonna do? Quit?
I don't think so, ducky.
Oh, that's right.
Swan off to your agent.
What agent?
Oh, he's gone.
Oh, Mr Mac.
Mr Mac.
-Sign out, Mr Mac.
-Wait!
Miss Mac.
Miss Mac!
Dad.
Emma, please just
go back inside. Okay?
No. I'm starting to think that
Mum was right about you.
-All you care about is yourself.
-What?
She says
you keep trying to run away.
I didn't really
understand until now.
That's not true, okay?
It's not fair.
Come back in,
okay, for me, please.
Hey.
Ah.
I really want to thank you for
making me come back inside.
You know, I wanna do this play
because of you
and I think I really had fun.
You were really good, Dad.
Thank you.
Salted caramel surprise?
What's the surprise?
Erm, soft in the centre.
Ha, ha, ha.
Maybe they could go
a little easier on me
with the jokes about my career.
They were really funny.
I might be being
oversensitive about this,
but I just don't think
that I'm ready to start joking
about the career
I'm about to lose.
What are you
talking about, Brad?
The jokes only work
because you are a star.
It's a thing we do in England.
It's called taking the piss.
Now come on, it's time for
the school prize-giving.
Not quite the Oscars,
but we should get going.
You ready?
Deck the halls with
boughs of holly
Fa la la la la la, la la la
Mr Mac, this is an honour.
-Martin. The head.
-Pleasure.
-Mulled wine.
-Actually...
It's a British tradition,
Mr Mac.
Well, German. But still.
Hey, Cara.
Why don't you show Emma around.
Thank you.
Gonna earn my keep.
Good luck.
Hello, Stoneford!
Today I'd like to welcome
Hollywood actor Brad Mac,
who is here to
present our Christmas awards.
Now, it's so important
that children be inspired
by the theatre.
That's why our students
take their annual trip
to London to see
the best theatre
this country has to offer.
Macbeth at Shakespeare's Globe.
Emma.
Still, if you're
looking for something
a little more fun
this Christmas,
be sure to catch Mr Mac
in Stoneford's
Christmas pantomime.
Now, shall we get
the prize-giving underway?
Let's get things started with
this year's highly coveted prize
for most improved attendance.
-And the winner is...
-Where's my daughter?
Grace?
Emma's around here somewhere.
-Jill.
-Who? Who's Jill?
Because you know, she was meant
to be home at 12 o'clock
and your phone is off
and it's half past three.
-I was rehearsing.
-Because the hotel said you left
and I can't get a hold
of your agent
because actually it turns out
you don't have
an agent anymore.
-Mum.
-Oh, darling.
Oh, sweetheart.
Oh, okay.
Sweetheart,
we're gonna go to London now.
Grace, please don't do this.
We're having
such a good time, right, Em?
I'm going
to be in the pantomime.
No, no, no, no.
That's not something
to be proud of, Em.
What is it that we say about
pantomimes, Spencer? What the...
Lowest common
denominator entertainment.
Well, that's not true.
They're hugely popular.
That's good you're
popular somewhere, eh, Brad?
Come on, let's go.
-I don't want to.
-I'm sorry?
I want to stay with Dad.
Your father abandoned you, Emma.
So he could stay in Hollywood
and make sequel after sequel,
and buy orchid after orchid.
He promised.
But your father makes
a lot of promises,
Emma, promises he always breaks.
So, no, you will
not be in the pantomime.
He probably won't even make it
to opening night, will you?
So, come on, let's go.
Grace, please just stop.
This is not fair.
We both agreed
that Emma would stay with you
because you told me
that's what was best for her,
and now I'm just
starting to think
that that's what's best for you.
I get it. I've been a bad dad.
Okay?
Thoughtless, selfish. Emma.
I promise that stops now.
I will never run away
from you again.
Most improved attendance.
It's ironic.
Mr Mac.
- Rachel McDonald.
- She's not here.
Not again.
How are you?
Read that.
'From Hero to Zero.
Washed-up B-list movie star
ends career with not a bang,
but a whimper.'
Where did this come from?
My ex-agent didn't like
the good press
that I was getting,
so she gave them
an alternative narrative.
I was hoping that coming here
would change my life
and boy has it,
it's made it worse.
Come on, cheer up.
Things will get better.
No, not for me. Not here.
I'm done.
I'm going home.
I don't care what it costs.
And what about us?
This is our life here, Brad.
This is who we are.
If you run away and leave us
in the lurch, we are the ones
who end up paying the price.
I'm being humiliated, Jill.
But look at Albert on stage door
putting you up for nowt.
Cassandra, holding your hand
through every step
of the process.
And then me.
Muggins. Along for the ride.
Okay. Forget it.
Because
it's all about you, Brad.
'Cause that's how
it's always been.
Your wife's right.
Ex-wife.
Yeah. I'm not surprised.
Bar person,
one more for the road.
Oh, where's Nigel?
It's his day off.
Oh.
Only joking.
As if I'd get a day off.
Anyway, mate,
you want to take it easy.
Yeah, you've gotta turn on
the Christmas lights.
What do you think
I'm dressed for?
Hello.
Ich bin...
German.
Jesus.
Brenda, you're a connoisseur.
of fine liquid entertainment.
The biggest turnout
we've had
for a Christmas light switch
on ever.
I think you might
have had enough.
Welcome to the stage
the mayor of Stoneford!
It worked for Burton.
So let's give
the cast of Cinderella
a huge Stoneford wel--
Thank you, Mr Mayor.
Hello, Stoneford.
Oi, Buttons!
Gonna have another meltdown?
-Shut up, you loser.
-Ooh.
I'm Bradley Mac-- Ow!
So that's how it is now.
I'm just a joke to you all.
Spiderman's here.
Okay.
-How's this for laughs?
-Whoa!
I can be funny.
Son of a bitch!
I can be the clown.
You're fired.
It seems like the only thing
I can't be is a good actor.
-Something like that?
-We're screwed.
Good father.
You are literally first in line
for worst parent
of the year award.
-Even a good person.
-But he promised.
But your father makes
a lot of promises, Emma.
Promises he always breaks.
- Anyone seen your career?
- It's behind you.
What are you looking at?
What are you looking at?!
You want a villain?
I'll be your villain.
Yeah.
Here's this.
Merry Christmas.
Mr Mac. You are under arrest.
And before you ask, yep,
community police officer.
Help me up.
Yeah.
Mr Mac.
I'm up. I'm up.
I need to talk to my lawyer.
They've been contacted.
They want you to know
they're on the way.
When are they getting here?
No idea.
Er, listen, do you mind
if I have a selfie?
Sure.
Cheers.
Oh. Smile.
Cheers.
Are you all right?
No.
Yesterday I had everything.
Friends, a job.
My daughter loved me.
And I screwed it all up.
What's gonna happen now?
Well, you're up
in front of the magistrates
Wednesday morning,
and normally you'd remain in
police custody until then.
However, on this occasion,
a respectable member
of the community
has come forward
and vouched for you,
so we're happy to release you
into their care
until the hearing.
A respectable member
of the community?
Yeah.
Hey, sorry
about what I said at the pub.
Well, you're probably right.
Whatever it is you said.
Officer.
Downstairs.
I'll make us a brew.
Oh...
I was so stupid.
When Grace took her away,
the way she looked at me.
I'll never get it outta my head.
She was so disappointed.
She'll understand.
In time.
That's the thing. With Emma,
I'm running out of time.
If I'm convicted
and I get a record,
they won't let me back
in the country.
It'll be years
before I can see her again.
I'm spiralling downward
and I don't know why.
'Cause this pantomime,
with Albert and Emma,
even the ugly sisters,
this is the best time I've
ever had and it's 'cause of you.
Thanks.
-Cara. Cara!
-She's out.
You're not supposed
to have a key, Kieran.
I just wanna
see my daughter, Jill.
Well, she's not here,
so you gotta leave.
-Got him here with you?
-It's not what you think.
Since when you care
about what I think?
I wanna take Carla
down to London with me.
No, the pantomime is
opening tomorrow night.
-You promised.
-Yeah.
That was when
your head was straight
and not full of all this
Hollywood rubbish.
She's my daughter as well, Jill.
She's my daughter as well.
Only days ago I was standing
outside Stoneford Theatre Royal.
But there's a rather
different stage set for today.
Stoneford Courthouse,
where the fate of Brad Mac
and the local pantomime
will be decided.
Sweetheart, you sure
you're not gonna join us?
I don't think I can face it
and I have to fetch
Cara from ballet.
So I'll just
meet you here later.
What if Brad goes down?
Then you'll have to get
Pierce Brosnan on the phone.
Alright, darling, see you later.
Brad's fearsome legal team
flew in overnight
on an actual private jet
from Hollywood.
That's right, carbon destroyers,
but hopefully
not career destroyers.
Back to you in the studio.
We got this, Brad. Fear not.
You know I'm the best
defence lawyer in California.
I'm also the cheapest.
-Really?
-Oh, no, no.
I'm just making a joke
to lighten things up.
All rise.
Will the defendant please stand.
Mr Theobald Washington,
you have been charged...
Objection.
Who the hell
is Theobald Washington?
That's my real name.
Theobald.
For real?
You chose Brad Mac?
I chose Bradley Apollo McDonald.
Oh.
Carry on, Basil.
...with the destruction
of city property and being
drunk and disorderly in public.
-How do you plead?
-Not guilty.
Well done, Brad!
Silence!
Thank you.
Your Honour,
my name is Sukie Huntington III
from the Los Angeles Law firm of
Brown, Johnson, Klein, Robinson,
Ashwell, Lopez, and...
erm, oh, yeah, me, Huntington.
Proceed.
Ladies and gentlemen
of the jury--
Er, this is a magistrate court,
Miss Huntington.
There's no jury.
It's Ms. I'm divorced.
Just like this court.
Divorced from reality.
For my client has numerous
mitigating circumstances.
Not only is he a celebrity,
he is also a member
of a minority.
Which minority
are you referring to?
He's American, Your Honour.
Mr Magistrate, can I please
say a few words?
If you must.
Two weeks ago, I didn't even
know Stoneford existed.
And then someone will throw
a plate of shaving foam
directly into your face.
And then...
Mr Brosnan? Mr Brosnan?
I certainly didn't know
what a pantomime was.
Er, so to find myself on stage
playing Buttons in Cinderella
came as quite a shock.
That's not an excuse
for losing control.
More my attempt
at an explanation.
You have to let him off,
Your Honour.
The Panto needs Brad Mac.
Stoneford needs Brad Mac.
Don't be too hard on him,
Your Honour.
Yeah, that's our job.
Don't bang up Buttons!
Don't bang up Buttons!
Don't bang up Buttons!
Don't bang up Buttons!
Silence!
I've had quite enough
of this nonsense.
Oh, no, you haven't.
Oh, yes I... have. Enough!
You're turning this courtroom
into a pantomime,
and this case into a joke.
Pantomime is not a joke,
Your Honour.
Excuse me?
The pantomime.
It's not a joke.
The Christmas pantomime
brings entire
communities together,
young and old.
For the young people,
it's probably
the first time
they'll ever see a theatre.
And for the older people
in the community, like myself,
it gives us a chance
to reconnect with the young ones
through a shared smile
or a laugh.
Besides, the Christmas pantomime
makes enough money
to keep Stoneford's theatre
going all year round.
Without the pantomime,
the theatre would
probably close
and be gone forever.
Thank you, Mr Mac.
Can I please
just say one more thing?
I know you think
the panto is silly,
and in places it is, by design.
But I beg you
to come see Cinderella,
not just to see what's happening
on stage, but to look around
at the faces of the audience.
You'll see something that's
so special, so rare.
You'll see pure joy.
And at the end of the day,
Your Honour,
isn't that what Christmas
is supposed to be about?
Nice words, Mr Mac, but shall we
get back to the matter in hand?
Yes, sir.
And I have no intention
of banging up Buttons.
I never have.
The crimes he's charged with
aren't even jailable.
Really?
Public intoxication, 200 pounds.
Justice at last!
For heaven's sake, clear off.
My daughter,
he's got my daughter!
Oh, no, he hasn't!
What is wrong with you?
It's Kieran.
He's got Cara.
Jill, I'm here for you.
Whatever you need.
This way.
No, this way.
No, Brad.
It's literally this way.
I'm tracking his phone.
Nigel, we need your help
to save Cara.
You got it, boss.
-Everybody in.
-Come on. Hurry up.
Can you go a bit faster?
He's heading for the motorway.
Emma, darling,
time for your pottery class.
Emma?
Emma. Emma!
She's gone.
She's gone.
Spencer, get the car!
We're going to Stoneford!
Brad, I just want to say
I'm very grateful
that you're doing this.
Of course, we're friends.
-Cara could be dead.
-Dead?
-Dead?
-What?
I thought it was
only a custody battle.
Somebody say custard?
'Cause custody. No? No.
We've left Cassandra behind.
A part in next year's pantomime.
-Are you serious?
-Absolutely, darling.
I mean, that would be wonderful.
I've always thought there
might be a pantomime in me.
And I've always
thought the same about a judge.
Mm-hmm.
That's his car.
Everybody stay here.
Cara.
Cara.
Cara.
Cara! Cara! Cara!
What's all the shouting about?
Where's her daughter?
What do you mean?
Tell me
where her daughter is, now.
What are you talking about?
Stop screwing around, Kieran,
or so help me God.
Or what? You gonna go
and get your stuntman?
Yah!
What are you doing?
Get him, Brad!
What are you doing?
That's humiliating.
Ooh!
Ooh!
-Why are we doing this?
-Because you kidnapped Cara.
What are you talking about?
I just dropped her
at the train station.
What? Train...
Where is she going?
Nowhere. She said
she had to meet a friend.
Yeah, I don't believe you.
I heard you tell Jill
you were taking her to London.
I was.
It's my turn
to have her this year.
Promised her
she could do the pantomime.
I didn't wanna
disappoint her. So...
I'm a crap dad to Cara
and I was a crap husband
to Jill.
You're not a crap dad, okay.
You're there for her.
That's a lot better
than I can say for myself
over the last five years.
One thing
I learnt here in Stoneford,
life isn't gonna go
the way you want it.
It is what it is
and you cannot run away from it.
You just have to embrace it
for all its unpredictability
with everything you've got.
Well, you know,
Cara was doing the panto and...
I would love to
see her on stage, if it's okay.
Of course.
Oh, crap, we gotta go.
Oh...
Cara went to see a friend,
she'll meet us at the theatre.
Let's go!
Driving home for Christmas
Oh, I can't wait to see
those faces
I'm driving home
for Christmas, yeah
I'm moving down the line
It's been so long
But I will be there
I sing this song
To pass the time away
Driving in my car
Driving home for Christmas
Gonna take some time
but I'll get there
You're a big movie star, Mr Mac.
Isn't the role of Buttons
a small part
for someone of your stature?
Well, I'll quote
the great Stanislavski.
There are no small parts,
just small actors.
And how are you enjoying
your time in Stoneford?
-Dad!
-Emma! Excuse me. Sweetheart!
-What are you doing here?
-Mum!
I snuck out of the house
and took the train.
Cara met me at the station.
Oh, sweetheart,
I'm so happy to see you,
but you're 12 years old.
You cannot take a train across
the country by yourself, okay?
Next time, just call me.
Come here.
I see you're getting the hang
of proper parenting.
Better late than never.
Oh, on that subject,
it's time to get into costume.
-Ready?
-Show time.
It's my first theatre.
Once upon a time
in a magical land...
Oh, that must be Buttons.
My oldest and dearest friend.
I can always rely on Buttons.
I said,
I can always rely on Buttons!
Has anyone seen...
You'll do fine.
Needed the lipstick.
One, two, three.
Buttons!
Don't worry, mate.
She's been killing time.
-Cinderella.
-Hmm?
I have a secret.
A secret.
What is it?
Well, a secret's something
you tell someone
that you don't want
anyone else to know.
I'd stick to movies, mate.
Do yourself a favour
and shut your mouth.
I almost forgot my big run-up.
Ooh.
I do my own stunts now.
Just like the other big stars.
Whoo!
They're booing you, Fanny.
They're booing you.
You shan't go to the ball,
Cinderella.
You shan't,
you shan't, you shan't.
Yeah, rip it, rip it.
All you have to do is believe
and magic will happen.
You shall go to the ball,
Cinderella.
Tell you what, mate, there'll be
somebody good looking in here
you can have a little chat with.
Let's see if we can
find a good-looking fella.
Let's have a little look
for a good looking fella, we can
find a good-looking fella.
-See if we can find a...
-Has to be a good-looking fella.
-A good-looking fella.
-Has to be a good-looking fella.
Oh, you sir. You, sir.
Can you see
any good-looking fellas in here?
Pop it on. The doctor says
I've got the feet of an athlete.
No, he said you've got
athlete's foot, it's different.
-Toes are curled.
-Look at those chubby feet.
Hey, you can't say chubby.
That's-- your fattist.
I think you're the fattest.
Sorry about this, Your Highness.
-Yes!
-Oh!
-So we didn't get our prince.
-Never mind.
Who's ready for the big finale?
Thanks, everybody.
We'll see you later. Bye!
I used to bite my tongue
and hold my breath
Scared to rock the boat
and make a mess
So I sat quietly
Agreed politely
Guess that I forgot I had
the choice
I let you push me
past my breaking point
I stood for nothing
So I fell for everything
You held me down,
but I got up
Already brushing off
the dust
You hear my voice
You hear that sound
Like thunder gonna shake
the ground
You held me down,
but I got up
Get ready 'cause
I've had enough
I see it all, I see it now
I got the eye of the tiger
A fighter, dancing through
the fire
'Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
You're gonna hear me roar
You're gonna hear me roar
Roar, roar, roar
Roar, roar
I got the eye of the tiger
A fighter, dancing
through the fire
'Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
Louder, louder than a lion
'Cause I am a champion
And you're going
to hear me roar
You're going to
hear me roar
You're going to
hear me roar
So...
Look, I'm no good
at talking about feelings
and stuff like that.
Shut up.
Wow.
My God.
My hands are still shaking.
Darlings, you were marvellous!
Thank you, Albert.
That means the world to me.
Coming from a true panto legend.
You both were.
Well, that's it.
From here on in,
I'm only doing pantomime.
I loved it.
Well that's good 'cause you
still got 49 more shows to go.
What? Are you insane?
Forty-nine more shows?
I can't do that.
Just kidding.
I can't wait.
Brad, wonderful work today.
It's a killing field 7.
Oh, the brake went down.
Sorry. No, I can't...
Buttons.
There you are.
If all else fails,
just dramatically faint.
Really?
-You've missed a bit.
-Oh, God.
She's not even good at cleaning.
-Oh, she's rubbish.
-Oh, ugly as well.
-Ugh.
-Ugh.
And you've sweeped,
it's in my direction!
I've got allergies!
Look at the state of her.
Oh, I'm triggered.
She triggered me.
Again, not exactly sure
what's happening.
Show me what?
That was much better, wasn't it?
Ooh. Mmm. Mmm.
What's happened to Brenda?
We've left Cara behind.
Cassandra, Cassandra.
Katy Perry just called.
She said, I wanna see it again.
I'm gonna fly to Stoneford.
-Mmm.
-Oh, no.
Oh, no, behave!
Whoo!
I wanna have your babies, Brad.
That was marvellous.
Why are we doing this?
Because they're paying us.
I'm so sorry.
Sorry.
Finally, a blooper
you can't use.