Tiny Fugitives (2026) Movie Script
1
Okay, and our last
presenter to share
their reflections of their
summer plans is Jacob Udell.
- You know how there are
those places
where everything
just makes sense?
And all your problems
melt away?
For me, that place is camp.
And I'm not talking about
some two-bit,
week-long bullshit day camp,
I'm talking about
sleep-away camp.
And tomorrow, my ten-month
wait will be over,
and the two best months
of the year
are about to begin.
Do you believe in miracles?!
Yeah!
- Dude, I was so wrong
not to invite you
to Dave and Buster's
three weeks ago.
I'll regret that decision
for the rest of my life.
- Jacob, when I told
your parents
you were a handful,
I was actually
talking about another kid.
- I know I can be a bit
too much sometimes.
- Oh, no, you're perfect.
Fuck school. Let's go to camp!
I want to get a sun tan
on these titties!
- Yeah!
- Woo!
Jacob! Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
Jacob,
are you ready to present?
- Oh.
Yeah, uh...
Asshole.
- You know how
there are those places--
- That bullshit made us
five minutes late.
Stop fucking trying so hard.
- I mean, I guess it sort of
looks like camp.
Like, that thing in the middle
is Lake Baboosic at night.
Yeah, actually, it's kind of
an identical outline.
Okay, Max,
that's really great.
And over by the dock
there's two counsellors
like, making out.
Oh, sick, and it's two girls.
Oh, wait, it's dark,
but, uh, that's my boy Jacob.
He's walking in the woods
with Tali.
Come on, man. Come on!
Ah, shit. He chickened out.
You got the looks, Jakey,
all you need
is the confidence!
Man, I hate to see him
with that sad face.
- You got all that from this?
What do you think that means?
- How should I know?
Aren't you the nurse?
- No, I'm the school-mandated
behavioral therapist.
Narc.
Look, Mr. Song,
have you ever been to camp?
- No, Max.
As I've told you before,
they did not have Jewish
summer camp in Korea.
- Well then,
the fuck do you know?
Us camp people
are just different.
We snuggle. We cry with pride.
We shit with the doors open.
- Okay, let's not
get into that--
- Look, I'm a totally
different person at camp.
They don't even call me Max.
I just go by Charness.
- Okay, well, why can't you
be that person here, too?
- Wow.
Fucking great suggestion.
You don't think
I've tried that?
Mr. Song, they locked me
to the bike rack.
- Okay, what those kids did
was not okay.
- Fucking assholes.
I don't even look like
a curly haired soup dumpling.
I mean seriously,
look at some of the shit
they've been
circling around school.
Fucking dipshits.
Look! Do I look anything
like that?
- Mm...
Max, I want--
- Fuck those kids
and fuck ChatGPT.
- Max, we're talking about you
having lasting friendships.
Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Song,
I know this is bad timing,
but it's Jacob.
'Sup, bitch?
- Hey, man.
- Dude, have you ever
tried therapy?
It's like, really weird.
Look, Mr. Song,
I think we've made
about as much progress
as we're gonna make this year,
so, I say we call it.
Have a great summer!
You and me we could be
like best friends
Me and you it just makes
good sense
You and me I'm a house
and you're the fire
And I can't tell you why
But it feels like
I've known you all my life
- Hey!
- Yeah!
Oh, my God. Come here,
you sweet baby.
- I missed you, man.
- I missed you too.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, notice how
I'm walking different?
Okay.
- It's 'cause my penis
got like a full inch longer.
And a little rounder too.
Arm hug!
- This is it, boys!
This is why we live
ten for two!
- Ten for two!
- Ten for two!
Ten for two!
- Gentlemen,
this is our summer.
Every night, we put our heads
to our pillows
dreaming of the first night
of camp.
Gents, it's finally here.
Take it in, boys.
For these two months,
we are going to have...
- The highest percentage
of successful
ask-outs to the social!
Yeah!
- We're gonna grind!
- Yeah!
- And what are we gonna wear?
Mesh shorts.
- Maximum friction!
Maximum friction!
Maximum friction!
- The longest shower party
on record!
- We're going to explore
each other's bodies!
Yeah!
- Ten months of winter!
- Boo!
- Ten months of math?
- Fuck fractions!
Boo!
- Ten months of your dad
coming home
smelling like perfume,
but your mom doesn't
wear perfume!
- Boo!
- Boo!
- This day's why we live
ten for two.
Ten for two!
Ten for two! Ten for two!
- Charn, you up?
- Too excited. Can't sleep.
- I'm so glad we made it.
- Same. I know every year
my parents say
they need a break from me,
but this year,
it wasn't in a funny way.
I think they're like,
starting to actually hate me.
- Dude, they're idiots.
Don't listen to them.
Do you ever wonder why
something so epic at camp
can be like,
so lame back at home?
- You mean like
arts and crafts?
Friendship bracelets?
Clogged toilets?
Rap battles, but in a made-up
language nobody understands?
- No, I mean like, me.
Nobody likes me at home.
- I'm sorry, man.
- This is where we're gonna be
forever, man.
Four more glorious summers
as campers, and then...
- And then when we're 16,
we're apprentices,
and we'll be inducted
into the plunger hall of fame.
- Hell yeah.
And maybe by then,
Tali and I would've been
dating for like, four years.
'Cause this summer,
I'm gonna ask her out.
- And when we're 40,
we'll use our fortunes
from the private sector
to buy camp.
- Leaving us with a combined
net worth of 19 billion.
- Which doesn't even include
my eraser collection.
- And we'll become
the longest-running Fineman
in camp history.
- And you and me
are gonna crush rap
every single day
until we're 99 years old.
Am I bullfrog?
Or is it hotter than July?
- Oh, and maybe I can do
the solo part sometimes?
- Sure. Yeah, you know,
it's just, I sort of feel
like I need it, so...
- Well, maybe we could
do it together?
- But then it wouldn't be
a solo.
- Ah, oh, yeah, I guess
I didn't think of that.
- The point is,
we're gonna spend
the rest of our lives at camp.
- Until we retire
and spend our final days
where it all started,
at Old Camp!
- The original paradise.
I like it!
- And we'll drink the Old Camp
lake water,
which is sweeter than Sprite!
- We'll sleep in
the original bunks!
- Where over the pants
handjobs
were literally invented!
- OTPHJs.
- Yeah!
And where they played
fuck, marry, kill.
But it wasn't a game,
they did it for real!
And one day,
they'll bury us in Old Camp.
And then,
we'll decompose into the soil
and become trees.
12 for 12,
the best place on Earth.
- Chipwiches in the Head Tunk!
Sydney Sweeney?
What are you doing in here?
Noboy come in.
- Hey, Leon! Have you, uh,
checked the Head Tunk?
They early posted
the second month play.
- Please tell me
it's music man!
Tiny head,
massive suction.
Count it, Jacob.
- The plunging must stop!
- Did they actually leak
the color war captains
on the Head Tunk?
Yeah,
come check it out!
- No, no, no, no, Charn.
It's just Tali. Relax.
If we plunge
three more people,
we'll break
the first month record.
- Okay, well, I just wanted
to say good luck today.
Parents-wise.
You feeling okay?
- Yeah, I mean,
dad's last letter said
"We're coming at 11."
So, it sounds like
they're still in one car,
at least.
- All right.
Well, crossing my fingers.
- Jacob, your micro-boner's
showing.
- What? No, it's not micro,
and it's like,
in the 55th percentile.
- Okay. Well, you guys know
Sophie Friedman?
She's in Haven one.
She lives in Manhattan.
Her mom was in
a Doritos commercial.
- I should go.
- Yeah, me too.
- Bye, Tali.
- Dude. I do not get
what you see
in that girl right there.
Tali's a liar! She tells
these random-ass stories
to the girls in her cabin
that make no sense at all.
- Tali is the most
underrated girl at camp.
- If you like her, why haven't
you asked her out yet?
- It's never really been
the right moment.
- Bro, shut up.
I watched you choke it
at both socials.
And you do not get
a third social.
- I'm gonna do it.
Okay, everybody!
Visiting day begins
in five minutes sharp.
And parents, if you've
forgotten your utensils,
that is not an invitation
to use the dining hall.
- Mmm. Skin's the best part.
- Why are you guys eating
two totally different meals?
- Um...
- Well, there was a bit
of a food miscommunication.
Uh, I got on the road later
than your mother--
- Yes.
- ...this morning.
- You guys didn't take
the same car?
- No, no.
- Honey, we talked about this.
Your father and I,
we're separated.
- You said you were gonna use
this summer
to go over all the logistics.
- Right.
- Yes, the logistics
of our divorce.
- Oh. Okay.
- Jacob, I started
seeing someone else.
Mark...
- And, we're engaged.
- What?!
I am seeing
someone else now and we are--
- You don't have
to repeat yourself.
Mark, Mark.
He heard you. Okay?
He's just in shock.
Understandably.
Okay, can you please
not do this?
Don't antagonize me
for literally no reason.
Mark, can you just
fuck off for one--
- I can hear everything
you're saying.
- Why don't I grab some
ice creams? Okay?
- Yeah, good idea. Um,
if they have
cookies and cream,
just get me like a cup.
Or a cone, whatever they have.
- Who even is this woman?
- Tell me about it.
Can you imagine
what I've been living with?
- Not Mom.
- Oh, right. Uh, Dana.
Her name is Dana.
- Dana.
- Yeah, her name is Dana.
- Mmm.
- She's an event coordinator.
And she's working on a novel.
- Uh-huh.
- Actually, I think you
know her son.
Uh, Gordon Fisher.
- That guy?
- Yeah.
- He's a freak, Dad!
- Well, I know he's a bit
of a character, but--
- He stands outside
of carpool,
and he practices magic
with a wand.
Vanilla!
- Okay. Let's just please
go to the registration tent.
I want my shirt.
- Oh. Uh...
Your mother and I
need to figure out
exactly what next year...
- Next step is...
- Wait.
Financially, yeah.
- Okay, stop.
You guys aren't actually
about to say
I'm not coming back
next summer?
- It's a possibility.
- They are bringing back
tubing next year. I--
These are my only friends!
You're telling me you can't
find any way
to drum up eight grand?
- I mean, that personal
trainer is very expensive,
are you sure that's necessary?
- You gave 5,000 dollars
to Elizabeth Warren
for president. Does that feel
like money well spent?
- I'm going to the tent.
- Hey, hey, hey!
First of all, come here.
Come here, come here.
We all have to make
sacrifices.
Yeah, all right,
enough, Mark, just...
- Well, not me.
Please. Not this one.
- Well, we'll call
the camp office
when we get home,
you don't have to worry
about any of this.
- Yeah.
It's gonna be okay,
kiddling.
I promise you.
It'll all work out, okay?
- Okay. Okay?
- I'm not stepping foot
in that fucking woman's house
with her freak of nature son
who's going to turn me
unpopular.
- Fuck!
Nothing fucking works!
- Charn, what happened
with your parents today?
- You know how I catfished
my principal on Match.com?
- You just said your principal
didn't like you.
- Yeah, 'cause I catfished him
on Match.com
and got him to send a picture
of him licking a lollipop.
I told you guys this.
- No, you did not.
- Well, the school tracked
my IP address,
and now I'm kicked out.
- Damn, that really sucks.
- And my parents
are sending me
to this boarding school
for "diverse learners."
- Fuck that!
- You know that kid
Alan Barbossa
who's like obsessed with me?
Well he gave my parents
another letter for me.
It's like, "Tali, I love you!
Why can't we just
be together?"
- Let me see the letter.
Because I'm telling you,
I'm gonna write him back
and annihilate him.
- I threw it out.
Can we just try to find
smaller sticks?
- No, we can break this one.
- Fuck!
I'm not going to that
fucking boarding school.
Everyone knows I would look
shitty with a buzz cut!
- Out of my face!
This is total crap,
but, what other option
do we have?
- What if we never went home?
- Are you suggesting what
I think you're suggesting?
- Enough with ten for two.
We need to go
twelve for twelve.
All-year camp.
- You're talking dirty,
little man, and I like it.
Let's make a baby!
- For real, for real.
What if at the end
of the summer
when the busses leave,
we don't get on?
We hide.
And when the coast is clear,
we run, and we just keep
doing camp?
- Well, we can't just run.
That would be dumb.
We'd need a destination.
Like, somewhere off the grid,
but with shelter.
- Wait, where did
Bin Laden hide?
- What about Old Camp?
- I don't think he hid
at Old Camp.
I think it was like,
Asia or something?
- No, no, you mean like
the original site of Fineman?
- Old Camp.
It's perfect.
I heard that when
they moved, they
just left everything
behind untouched.
It's like a Jewish museum,
but without all the sad parts.
We'd have bunks,
kitchen, PB and J for days.
It's perfect.
If we pull this off,
all of it goes away,
and the only thing left
is camp.
- 12 for 12.
- 12 for 12.
- 12 for 12.
Three, two, one!
On the last day
of camp,
the only staff on site
will be Bob.
That guy? Pure misery.
I heard his wife left him
at the altar
for his own brother.
Now, he's a cuck.
Bob's wife
called it off
because he wasn't Jewish.
So he tried
to circumcise himself,
but he accidentally
cut off too much.
And now he's a eunuch.
- You're both wrong.
He's ex-military.
He was dishonorably discharged
from Guantanamo
for being too rough
on the Taliban.
He's legally
prohibited from using a knife.
And he cut off
the heads of like
50 Beanie Babies.
That's why
he only eats soup.
She broke it off
because he jerked off so much,
only air comes out.
It's just some scammer
sending him pictures
of Dua Lipa.
That's how he can
spend his whole life at camp
and still be miserable.
Forever you forever me
Forever Bob on ATV
- There's nothing
that guy won't do.
We're going to have
to neutralize him.
- What do we do
about our parents?
- By the time
they figure it out,
it'll be too late.
Dear dad.
Camp's going great.
Oh, Charness!
Am I a bullfrog?
Or is it hotter than--
July?
- Jakey, baby,
tell it to me fresh.
Crush rap! Let's go!
No, actually,
it's going epic.
Everything is just
clicking into place.
My name's Jacob!
- And my name's Charn!
And there's a funny
little rumor
going 'round the barn.
- We want some remix!
Even our crush rap
is reaching new heights.
Remix!
- He's doing the Matrix!
And honestly,
I think it's because
everyone's just so unified.
And just like,
really growing up.
Now, my bunk is the family I--
Trust!
To catch me when I--
Fall!
I'm on top
of the world here.
And not just 'cause I'm king
of the frickin' zip line.
Dad, don't worry about me.
And I won't' worry about you.
Time truly does fly at camp.
I almost wish it wouldn't end.
If you're in this room,
you know just as well as I do
that there is nothing
waiting for us back home.
Here's the plan.
Tomorrow morning,
we grab the last
of the supplies
and then set off to Old Camp.
And once we land,
we're doing summer forever.
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
It's gonna be epic. We've been
stocking up on food,
and the fridge at Old Camp's
gonna be filled with shit too.
And guys, I'm thinking
the first night at Old Camp,
we should have a social.
- Yeah!
- Okay, a third social?
Is that even allowed?
- Don't you get it?
Everything's allowed.
- I heard at Old Camp,
they had queen-sized beds
made for fucking, like,
they were encouraging it.
Oh, yeah!
We're going to create
a new society.
New art, new recipes.
New languages.
Doobity-doobity-doo.
You'll soon know
what that means.
- Mushki mishka dashimicreesh.
- That translates to,
"Fineman forever".
And you'll know what
that means soon enough!
The only staff left on site
tomorrow will be Bob.
Damn, bro.
Fuck Bob.
He's a million years old,
he prints out his emails,
and he pays for AOL.
- We'll take care of Bob.
- How are we actually supposed
to leave the camp tomorrow
without anyone noticing?
Won't they make us, like,
get on a bus?
- We all know the rules.
Anyone with pink eye
quarantines for 48 hours.
- So, if we wake up tomorrow
with pink eye,
we can't leave camp.
- That's when we execute
our escape.
- Problem is,
we don't have pink eye.
Ew.
- Dude!
- No!
- Ew!
- This is your last chance.
There's no turning back.
You take the blue pill,
a melatonin that I stole
from the camp nurse's office.
You go to sleep,
and you wake up
tomorrow morning,
you forget all about this.
Or, you take the red pill.
And you stay in wonderland.
And I show you just how deep
the rabbit hole goes.
- So let me get this straight,
you expect us
to intentionally
put poop particles in our face
so that we end up
purposely geting pink eye?
- That is step one.
- Pretty good.
- Step two.
The virus incubates
for 12 hours.
When we wake up
in the morning,
a lucky few of us
will find freedom .
Why not have an adventure?
If you don't get
pink eye,
you shut your fucking mouth
and take this conversation
with you to the grave.
- Long distance?
- No way.
We're like,
so in love.
Step three, parents.
The pink eye will give us
a 48-hour head-start
before our families
get suspicious.
After that,
I'll be faking our deaths
and planting our DNA
in the bag of bones
in Bob's fire pit.
- Fuck you, Mom and Dad!
James, I wish
you weren't my brother.
Eat shellfish and die!
- Fuck ten for two.
Step four.
Under no circumstances
does this information
leave this room.
This camp is filled
with snitches.
Especially that little
rat fuck Leo--
- Well, well, well.
Just as I suspected.
A merry band
of thugs and thieves
here to raid our dining hall.
My parents paid good money
for this food!
- Shut the fuck up, Leon!
- No! Fuck! I didn't get it!
Fuck!
- Charn?
- Jacob?
- Well aren't you a sight
for pink eyes?
- Goddamn, you're sexy!
- Oh, thank you!
Who needs to shit?
- Holy shit, Leon,
you look like a ginormous
sunset took a shit
in your eyes.
- Excuse me?
- Leon, we also don't
want you to come with us
on this escape,
but you know too much.
- Yeah. Conjunctivitis.
Can't put you
on the bus today.
You look a little off, Udell.
Bob?
May we speak in private?
- Leon,
I don't have time today.
Danny, what's your 20?
We got a situation.
Forget it. I'll find you.
- And I hear you,
but after today,
that's Miss Rockhauer's
problem, okay?
Oh, shit.
- Hey, Danny boy.
- Yeah.
- Tried to reach you
on walkie.
I think you're offline.
I'm on channel four.
- Stop.
- It's a direct line.
- Okay.
- Anyway,
this pink eye situation
is really out of control.
Way worse than 2000--
- Okay, look, I have to go
wave some kids goodbye,
if you could just give me
the headline.
- Well, we're on
a 48-hour lockdown.
So coverage-wise,
we're working with
me, you, sorta thinking
it was a boys night out,
and... thoughts on Peter
from music?
- Okay, Bob, stop.
Summer's over, all right?
The counsellors
are clocked out.
- Fine, you're the director.
You choose the third.
- No, it's just you. M'kay?
You think you can handle that?
- Of course.
- Right. Do not fuck this up.
This is a stage-five
quarantine.
You will be sheltering
in place
for the next 48 hours.
There's three meals,
two snacks, and one rule.
Do not leave the rooms.
You've got mail.
- Lake house?
Oh, you did it, Bobby!
Dear Bob.
I'm writing to invite you
to my lake house
to come accept a new position
that shall be named
Director of New Camper
Development.
In this capacity,
you will be expected to manage
and supervise
multiple projects--
- I'm momentarily
stepping out.
- Including teaching proper
trust fall etiquette...
As well
as basic self defense
against swirlies,
titty-twisters,
and other nefarious acts
of the demented.
- Oh, yeah!
- Ah! It burns! Ah!
- Move people, let's move!
Don't forget to grab
the oral swabs,
we need oral swabs!
Go, go, go, go!
- Charn, he's too big!
I been doing this before Nas
dropped the Nasty
My Wallos I did 'em up
them bricks I sent 'em up
My raps y'all bit 'em up
for that now stick 'em up
10-4 good buddy Tone
got his money up
Worth millions still bag
your b----
Murder my wrist couldn't
take it and bailed
And left my fingers for dead
told 'em
I ain't had nothing to do
with the writing
Now hold you down when
you be squeezing that lead
Let's go!
Woo!
Three, two, one, lift!
Guys, hop in.
Hop in, here we go!
Director of new
camper development?
Um, yeah, man. I don't know.
I think this is some sort
of prank or something.
Because, uh...
Yeah, I don't know.
It says my...
my email is DannyCampReal?
You thought my email
was DannyCampReal?
- Danny, you know how much
I care about this place,
right?
- Sure.
- No one cares about
Fineman more than me.
I...
guess what I'm saying is
I do have more to offer.
- Yeah, and I mean, we...
I mean, we love having you
on the staff.
I mean, you've been here
for what, eight? Nine summers?
- 26 years.
- That's an incredible legacy.
We're really lucky.
And as much as I'd love
to keep having this convo,
I mean, shit,
you should probably
go check on those kids, right?
Here's your email. Okay?
- Thanks again.
- Yeah, thank you,
no, thank you, Bob.
- Well, not thanks,
but you know
how thankful I am.
- Let's fucking rain!
A loyal servant,
great friend...
And powerful enemy
of clogged toilets.
And therefore,
whence... say that, say that.
- Oh, okay.
- In conclusion--
Well, I guess
this wasn't here in the 20s.
That's the longest
fence I've ever seen.
All right.
We'll just, uh...
We'll just hop the fence.
- Um...
I don't like this.
I don't like this at all.
Leon, relax.
It's an old sign.
I'm sure it's fine. Okay?
So,
who wants to go first?
- Ah! Oh, my God!
Thank you. You saved me.
- Some blood.
From the bird, I'm guessing.
- He saved her.
- It was nothing. No problem.
There's gotta be
another place to... pull off.
- Ah!
- What?
- Udell...
- Bob knows where we are!
- What?
Oh, thank God!
Come here, Bob! Save me!
- Shut up!
- Shut the fuck up!
- Save me!
- Relax, there's no way
he could see us across--
Goddammit!
He just eye-fucked me
through the binoculars!
Why is he looking at me
that way?! I'm a child, Bob!
Holy shit,
and he's still there.
- Save me!
- Leon, enough!
- I was just stretching
my arm!
- I'll stretch it for you
if you don't stop it!
He'll boat over
in like 40 seconds.
Fuck.
- No. I drained all the gas
- from the boats.
- Yes! You're a genius.
- Mother fuck,
we need a plan right now!
- What about a hole?
We could dig a hole.
- We don't even have
a shovel, like...
- We could crawl through...
Guys, I got it.
All the electric's coming
from up there.
I'm gonna climb up
and I'm gonna cut the power.
Once I do, be ready to scale.
- Jacob, are you insane?
- He is a mad man
and we are in his cult!
Well,
if you're gonna do it, go!
- I will not be
your Manson girl!
- There's no other way.
And we are not turning back.
- Don't move!
That is an order! Don't move!
Coming for you, Udell.
Oh, God. Oh, oh God.
- Hurry the fuck up!
- Think you can outrun
old Bobby? Think again!
- We got 40 seconds tops!
You gotta do something, Jacob!
Come on, let's go!
You can run,
you can hide,
but you won't get away!
- How the fuck
do you turn this thing off?
Come on, let's go!
As soon as that thing
turns off,
Sophie, you go first.
- No, I'm waiting for Jackson.
He'll need our help.
- Sophie,
Jackson isn't coming.
- He promised.
- He's a fuck boy!
He cheated on you all summer.
There are delinquents
across the lake!
I repeat,
delinquents across the lake!
- Rachel Bernstein jacked
him off during Finding Nemo.
- That's a frickin lie!
- Leon?
- They brought a blanket,
and it was 90 degrees.
- Marlon was finding Nemo,
and he was jizzing!
- That fucker!
- Okay...
These wires aren't connected
to shit!
Nothing's happening!
Just keep pulling shit!
Dam alert.
Dam alert.
Doctor Taylor...
Help, help!
Hey,
don't tell anybody, but--
I fucked a parent
in the nature shed!
- Hell yeah!
- Okay, got it! Go!
Everybody climb!
Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Udell!
- Fuck.
- Come on, hurry up!
- You got it!
Let's go!
- Hurry up!
- I'm fucking stuck!
- Use your core, Charn!
- Shut the fuck up,
I'm trying!
- Come on!
- Just turn the power back on
and let me die!
- Then we can leave!
Come on, let's go!
No!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, hurry up!
- Too slow, Bob!
Charn! Run!
Kumbayah my Lord
Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord
Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord
Kumbayah
Oh Lord Kumbayah
Someone's singing Lord
Kumbayah
Someone's singing Lord
Ah, frick. Ah...
Ugh... Son of a bitch.
- Is he dead?
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Thank God he's alive.
I am the youngest
of a family of spiders
I got a web...
Okay,
fuck the squishy ball.
Marry the concept of science,
and kill Toy Story Two.
What the fuck?
- Wait, what?!
- No!
I'm still on duty
at work,
and if I don't get back--
- Slow down. Just slow down.
Hey, Danny, the kids
have been having
an absolute blast.
Bob,
Sophie Friedman's
mom is calling me,
saying no one's answering
the infirmary phone.
What's going on?
Charness,
what do you mean
three-state solution?
- Hey, hey, gotta go--
Charness, sit!
Miss Ephraim.
48 hours,
I'll have Leon packed
and pink-eye free,
and that's a Bob guarantee.
Would you rather
be made out of carbon
or all hydrogen?
- What the hell
does that even mean?
- There is a right answer,
though.
I felt it on the moment
that I met you
And that felt like a place
that I should stay
So let's just
clear the air
I am over here
I'm over there
Said I am over here
I'm over there
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
- You know,
I'm sorry about Jackson.
I know how it feels
to have everyone but you
in on a secret.
Charness once farted
into my Nalgene
and said I ate his ass
by the transitive property.
As if that's how
the transitive property
even works. Frickin' moron.
- Men are pigs.
- Men are the whole damn barn.
And you know what?
I'll frickin' drink to that.
- Not from your Nalgene,
I hope.
Soldiers!
The final descent is upon us!
Woo!
- What a run-down
piece of shit.
- I know. It's perfect.
Let's go!
Bingo!
Found the fridge!
- Let's go.
It's locked.
Come on!
Goddammit.
- I got a plan.
Everybody take cover!
This place is about
to smell like a frat house.
Allahu Akbar.
- Holy shit.
- Guys,
we hit the mother lode.
Old wine!
- Three, two, one!
- My name is Tali--
Oh, sorry.
Three, two, one!
Soy bean. Yeah!
And easy cheese. Yeah!
- My name is Tali?
- Yeah?
- I don't wear makeup.
- Yeah.
- Who's gonna hook up?
- Yeah?
- Charness and Jacob!
All right, gang!
The time has come
for tonight's
evening activity.
And as promised,
we are having a social!
And the theme
for tonight's social...
Is a wedding.
- Who's getting married?
- Um, well, I actually,
come to think of it, I was--
Leon?
Will you camp marry me?
- Well, I-I haven't
met your parents yet,
but... why the hell not?
- Yay... Yeah!
That's... what I was thinking!
Yeah, let's go, guys, yeah.
From instructional swim
to free swim.
From Old Camp to new.
'Til death do you part.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
- Yeah!
- I love being married!
I'm this I'm that
I'm sharp I'm flat
- 12 for 12!
- 12 for 12!
I know how hard
a wedding can be for you
considering that your parents'
love was fake.
Those vows meant nothing.
- How do you know
when a guy likes you?
- Anyone in particular
you're thinking of?
- I've been waiting for him
to like, make a move,
but nothing's happening.
- Dude, let's crush rap.
- Hell yeah, let's do it!
Wait, can I do the remix part?
- Totally.
How about next time?
- That's what you said
last time.
- This place is amazing!
Let's never leave!
Am I a bullfrog,
'cause it's hotter than July!
If it makes you
feel any better,
it's usually not
the kid's fault.
- I don't think
it was my fault, yeah.
It's not because
you did anything,
it's because you exist.
do you think
he's like, embarrassed?
- Remix!
Like I'm following
him around
and he doesn't even
care about me?
- I'm here I'm there
I'm foul I'm fair
Hi.
- Hi.
- So, uh...
whatcha thinking about?
- I don't know.
What are you thinking about?
- You know, at camp,
I always tell everyone that
you're the most underrated.
- Underrated at what?
- Well, just in the rankings.
- Well, thank you so much
for seeing my potential.
- What?
- That's really great.
- No, no, no, Tali.
It wasn't meant like that,
it was meant as a compliment.
I'm sorry.
Wait, I don't understand,
are... are you mad?
- I'm fine, I'm just...
I should get some sleep, so...
- Hello, my husband.
- Hello, my wife.
- Have you ever danced
with someone before?
- No.
- I'll teach you. Come.
Put your hands on my waist.
- Oh.
- Just like that.
- Okay.
- There you go. Now just
sway side to side.
There you go.
Yeah, you got it.
- So, you gonna miss home?
- My whole family thinks
they're so smart
and I'm the fuck up.
I guess they decided
they were done with me.
But hey, looks like
I'm done with them, too.
- Well, I think you're smart.
Like that one time
when you forgot your line
in the play, and did
the Star Wars
impression instead.
Like, you're really inventive.
Thank you,
I must.
- So... do you miss New York?
I bet you have all sorts of
cool things waiting for you.
Is it true that
your best friends
are all older DJs?
No.
My home friends
are all kind of the same.
It's nice to feel special
at camp.
- You know I also invented
the remix part.
- Like, of the crush rap?
- Yeah.
- That's the best part.
- I know.
But Jacob's whole
point is like...
He said it's better
if he does it,
'cause it's more
of a surprise.
- But what's the surprise?
Doesn't he do it every time?
- Thank you again
for marrying me.
It multiplies my cool factor
by like 1,000.
- Don't listen to what
the guys say.
Trust me,
when you're older,
you'll be cooler
than all of them.
- Hope you're right.
But for now,
the only thing
that'll make you cool to them
is if you have your penis
manipulated by a girl's hand.
- You mean a handjob?
- Mm-hmm.
The devil's handshake.
- If you want,
you can tell
the guys you got one.
From me.
- But why would I say that?
- Sometimes, you just gotta
fake it 'til you make it.
- Okay, swear
you won't tell anyone?
- I won't.
- Like at all?
- I won't.
- Please.
- What'd you do?
- I just, I did this
dumb thing at school
where I told everyone I had
this boyfriend from camp,
and that he was this hot
French boy
who'd like, serenade me,
and was just like,
obsessed with me.
Named Jacques.
- Wait. You mean Jacques-ob?
- Then the girls
were suspicious
and thought I was lying
and asked to meet him,
so I said that we broke up
and he went crazy
from the heartbreak,
and was sent away
to a mental institution.
- Well played.
- Not really.
They figured it out.
And then everyone
treated me like shit.
- Is that when you started
talking to Alan the stalker?
- Yeah, there's also no Alan.
Sorry about
lying about that too.
I'm sorry.
- I don't give a shit.
I'm the same guy that
catfished his principal
pretending to be a 42-year-old
hooker named Kathy.
- Like, I told everyone
from home
that I had this guy from camp
that was obsessed with me,
and everyone from camp
that I had this guy from home
that was obsessed with me.
But, really,
no one's thinking about me.
- I mean...
I think about you.
Kissed you, I have.
Lord Anakin,
don't slaughter the children!
- 0 600. Base...
Secured.
As the captain...
The darkness
is his worst enemy.
- Udell.
Where are you? Pick up!
I'm coming to get you.
- That won't be necessary.
- Well, enjoy tonight. Truly.
'Cause when I find you
tomorrow, it's all over.
- You wish, Bob. We're gonna--
- No, no, no.
Not for them. For you.
Yeah, I heard your parents
don't want you
coming back next summer.
- They're still deciding!
- No, it's decided.
They emailed the camp office
to withdraw you
and everything.
Got your attention, huh? Good.
'Cause I'm about
to make you an offer
one time and one time only.
I'm currently in Danny's
office holding a ring of keys.
And one of these
little buggers
opens Danny's lock box
full of petty cash.
Added all up, and I would say
it's quite a haul.
To the tune of, hmm,
eight, nine grand.
That kind of coin
would get you, maybe...
One more summer at camp?
Could be useful in event
your "run away forever"
plan doesn't work out.
- No deal, Bob, I'm not
taking your fucking bribe.
I'd never sell out my Dillos.
- You know, Udell, you
and I aren't that different.
I bet in another life we
could've been friends.
- Yeah. And in another life,
maybe my parents
would like each other.
And I would have
a four inch dick.
- I've been doing this
a long time.
I love camp more
than anything too, Udell.
Why do you think
I stuck around so long?
Nah, I see myself in you, kid.
- We couldn't be
more different.
You sit alone in the woods,
and I've got my Dillos
keeping me alive and strong.
- You want to know
how this ends, Udell?
I win, you lose.
- You're never
gonna find us, Bob.
Not today, not tomorrow.
We're gonna make it.
'Cause we've got everything
we need to survive.
You okay, big man?
- Okay, so, ideally,
we wouldn't have gone through
all our snacks in one night.
But now, we get to see
what Old Camp pantry
really has to offer.
Exhibit A.
Tali, peanut butter
jelly time?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Ew.
- Oh, god.
- Looks a little
darker than usual.
- Is all the food expired?
- No, it just, this is just
how they used to
make peanut butter
before it got all woke.
- Jacob, it smells like
my dog's asshole.
Aw, I miss my dog.
- Smells like my Nana when
they found her body.
All mushy.
- She would've been proud
of the woman you became.
- What the fuck?
Don't, just don't.
- Yeah, I... I like it.
What else do we have?
- Maybe like
the beginning of a salad?
- Cook this guy up.
- The hell is that?!
- I am not eating that!
- Jesus.
- No!
- Relax, I'd remove the eyes.
- Well I found
a can of tomatoes!
Hey, man,
are you sure
this water's okay to fish in?
It looks like
it's full of shit.
I feel like the rat
was a good idea,
you didn't really
give it a chance.
- Charness, just fish, please.
- Hey, did uh, did Tali say
anything to you last night?
Like, about me?
- Nothing I can remember.
Did something happen?
- Well, which one's
second base?
- You went to second base?
- No, I wouldn't
kiss and tell,
I'm just wondering, generally.
- First base, kissing with
tongue, and moaning.
Second base, tits out,
no bulge, kissing and moaning.
Third base,
you lick her butthole
and then you have
dinner with her parents.
Did you do that?
Well, actually,
I was going to say...
Tali's actually gotten
a lot cooler
and funnier than I remembered.
- Oh Dillos!
What the fuck?
- Morning, gents.
I'd say I told you so, but I
think it's pretty damn clear.
- How did you find us?
- You stole the map
to old camp.
"Oh, let's do camp forever.
What a sustainable
long-term plan."
You know there's a rat
carcass on the barbecue?
Those things
carry Ebola, right?
Leon. What the hell
happened to you?
- Sophie stroked my penis.
- Okay.
Come on.
You know this plan was doomed.
Didn't you, Udell?
- Okay, fine.
I'll take the deal.
Kid, it's way
too late for that.
But if it makes
you feel any better,
I was never gonna give you
that cash in the first place.
Jacob,
what's he talking about?
Your fearless leader
didn't tell you?
Jacob's not
coming back next year,
his parents won't
shell out the dough.
- Is that true?
- Yeah. He knew that.
And now, no one's
coming back next summer!
Unless, starting right now,
you obey my every word.
I am bringing you back to camp
where you will sit
in the infirmary
like God's perfect angels
until your parents arrive.
And then...
we write this off
as our little secret.
- Sounds like a bribe
so you don't get fired.
- Astute.
Udell, I think
I speak for everyone
when I say we're gonna
miss that keen intuition
when you're gone next year.
All right. Let's go.
Hey, Jake!
Angus, don't move!
Nobody move! Jacob!
Come on! Jacob!
Udell, be reasonable.
- What the fuck!
- Whoa, whoa!
- Holy shit! Get off the hood!
- Stop!
- Never!
- Ah! Stop!
- You're too old
for camp, Bob!
- You think you're tough?
- No!
- You think you're
gonna break me?
- Mow him down, Jacob!
- Get the fuck off, Bob!
I'm gonna buck you!
- You're gonna what me?
- I'm gonna buck you
off the hood!
Evil, evil child!
- Cuddles.
I think there's
something on my windshield.
You got
the devil in you!
You little prick!
- Yes!
- You're gonna kill us!
- Bye-bye, Bobby!
- Whoa!
- Oh my God!
- Did he fucking kill him?
- No, no, no, no.
I can't go to prison.
I can't go to prison!
- Guys like me don't
make it out of juvie.
- Nobody move.
- Oh, fuck, he's alive.
- Everybody run!
- I'll protect you.
For my wife!
- Leon!
- Leon! Leon!
Leon!
- Fineman forever!
- Shit.
- Hi. Thank you.
- Pretty badass, right?
- Leon.
The last 24 hours
has been so, so great.
- Agreed.
- But, I have to
go back to the city.
And, Leon, you're ten.
And you live in Georgia.
- Wait, we're breaking up?
- I am in so deep right now.
I screwed up at work big time.
And if I can't find
a way to fix this
and I lose my job, then...
Then there's truly
nothing left for me.
- I don't want to go home.
- Leon, we can
still be friends.
- Sophie, you're making
the biggest fucking mistake.
- I have 150 kids who just...
absolutely hate me.
- All it really takes is just
love 'em, feed 'em, and put
a Band-Aid on their knee.
It's really not
so complicated.
- Oh, put a Band-Aid
on their knee?
- Yeah.
- You forgot about the part
where they defraud you
and run you over
with your own truck.
Life's a bitch, Bob.
Get in line.
- I'm locking you in.
Good day, good night.
My key. Where's my key?
- So you're gonna
steal 8,000 dollars
to pay for camp next summer,
and your parents aren't gonna
ask where you got it?
- Of course they will.
That's why
I'm gonna break it up
into a bunch of
18 dollar checks.
Say it's Bar Mitzvah gifts.
It's called money laundering.
This mission has now gone
from a runaway to a robbery.
No one is getting
kicked out of camp today.
Bob needs this to go away
as much as we do.
So all you guys have to do
is get back to camp tomorrow
morning before parents arrive.
And then I'll steal
the cash box
and be able to pay
for my own camp.
- Look, you're a total bitch
for not telling us
about next summer.
- Agreed. Same page.
I'm a bitch.
- But, you did throw
Bob through a wall,
which was on
the list of things
I need to see before I die.
I think we need to keep
pushing forward.
- Yes! Thank you, Charn.
- Look, good things have been
happening to all of us.
Not just you. Right, Tali?
- I guess that's true.
- Okay. Great.
So, I was thinking
we head west
towards Hanlin's Peak.
Dude,
Hanlin's Peak is like, cliffs.
Gimme that.
Combe's Bay
is way flatter, and--
- That is way too long, Charn.
- It's really not.
- Come on. Let's go.
- You're not touching
that cash, you miserable turd.
Oh, God dammit,
why's he back early?
- Hey, Danny-O!
Thought I wasn't
seeing you 'til morning.
Miss me too much?
- No, I just thought
it'd be less of a hassle
if I sleep here tonight.
You know, in case
the parents come over early.
- Oh, speaking of heading in,
I'd love to come inside
and see how
the big man gets comfy.
- I'm gonna go in here--
- I can light you up a fire,
come inside and leave
right after I light the fire.
- No, it's good, okay?
You should go to
the infirmary. Okay?
- Uh-huh. Night-night.
- Yes. Do not come in here.
At all. Ever.
Thank you.
- Bob?
Ah, so,
I think the problem
was that the MI
stands for miles
and not minutes.
My mistake, sorry.
So we're lost. Cool.
- What? No, we're fine.
We're fine, okay?
- Well, I guess the map
didn't mention
the giant fucking cliff.
Or did it?
Did it?
- No. No it didn't.
- Yeah, this is a dead end.
- Look, I have a plan.
If we go down slowly,
and maybe go to that ridge--
- Great, why don't
you do your plan,
and Tal and I will just
meet you back at the--
- Okay, stop. When did you
start calling her "Tal,"?
- Well, I mean,
that's what you call her.
- What are you gonna do next?
Hook up?
- What if we did?
- Wow. Just...
I can't believe you chose him.
- Okay. Fuck you!
- Charness!
- You wanna write home?
Guys, stop it!
Should we get out
the typewriter?
- Fucker!
- Dear mom and dad. Ding!
Jacob is a psycho
piece of shit
who only cares about
being in charge.
- Ding!
- Enough!
- He won't eat anything
spicier than a green pepper
and he once jerked off
to a picture of his aunt!
- I told you that in private!
- I don't care!
- She wasn't blood related!
And dear Mom and Dad.
Charness is a jealous dick...
- Stop it!
Who faked his nut
allergy for attention.
And he only likes Tali
because he wants to be me!
Guys, stop it!
- Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding! -
- Get off!
- I know your life sucks
'cause you don't
have any friends.
- I do have friends.
- Yeah, like you have parents.
- Well at least my parents
don't hate me.
- Why are you
always in charge?
You think I'm the one
who follows you?
I came up with
the fucking crush rap.
Your remix ideas are
aggressively unfunny.
I literally have a notebook
full of ideas
that are way better.
Number one,
Obama and Shabbat.
Number two,
Danny if he was Jamaican.
Do you have any?
Come on. Give us an idea.
Give us an original idea.
No? I'll go.
Yoda as Kim Jong Un.
Minion porn.
Taylor Swift trying to juggle.
- Fine. Take the remix.
I don't care.
- Oh, my God,
you are such a fucking liar.
- No I'm not!
- Dude, you ruin any good
relationship in your life.
- Dude! What the fuck?
Give those back!
What are you doing?
- No!
- Now you and all your
friends can go find it.
- Fuck you!
- Tal, let's go.
- Wait. Please, wait,
Tal, please, help me.
- That's all I ever do.
Are you ever once
gonna think about me?
I wanted to be with you so bad
I literally started pretending
we were together.
- Yeah. Except she had to
make you seem way cooler
than you actually are.
She made up
this entire backstory
about how you were
a hot French psycho!
- Shut up!
- Why did you not
tell me about that?
- Because it's humiliating.
- Almost as humiliating
as you hooking up
with my best friend.
- Come on.
We only did that because
we were mad at you.
- Ow.
- I mean...
You know what I mean.
- Yeah.
I wanna go home.
- Where's Udell?
- Your guess is
as good as ours.
For real.
- Get in.
- Udell, can you hear me?
Udell, you there?
Can you hear me?
Whatever you're
running away from,
staying back here
ain't gonna fix it.
You can still
turn this around.
It's not too late. You know?
I built my whole life
around staying at camp.
Sounds dreamy
until you wake up and realize
you got nothing
left to live for.
Bob.
You don't think that
I have a plan?
I am getting that cash.
And tomorrow morning,
before parents arrive,
I will be at the infirmary
with the money in my hand.
Because next summer,
I am going back to camp.
It's a lose-lose for you, Bob.
Either you lose 8,000 dollars,
or you admit
to losing five kids.
Either way, you are done.
- Okay.
Looks like we're gonna
do this the hard way.
One of us is leaving camp
tomorrow for good.
And newsflash,
it's not gonna be me!
You got that Udell?
You ready to pack that
duffel one last time?
Ready to take that last
walk across Foster Field?
Udell?
Udell?
- Let's fucking go.
- Shit!
From Danny's cabin
all the way to the infirmary.
- I got your nose, weasel.
- Excuse me!
- Oh, you must be Leon's
parents. What a pleasure.
Look, I'm sorry,
I have to step out, so I--
- We just wanted to do
a quick comparison
of your camp's
pink-eye protocols
with those of the CDC.
- Okay.
I believe that we will win.
I believe that we will win.
- Here, kitty, kitty.
Mother f--
What, did you forget
where the infirmary was?
- Where are the harnesses? No!
- Udell! Just get down.
I'll get you camp.
You can keep the money!
Udell, please.
- Three, two-- Ah!
- Shit.
- Woo!
Fuck you, Bob!
- Udell! You've gone insane!
- Fastest way across camp!
Come on!
No, no, no!
- Whoa!
Bobby's coming.
- Whoa, Bob!
Slow down there, buddy!
- I got a kid to save,
you prick!
- So, would you like to
head to the infirmary?
- Yeah, sounds good.
- Yeah, come on.
Fuck!
Help! Please! Somebody!
- Let's go!
- Trust! Trust! Somebody!
Trust!
Trust!
- Fall!
- Dangerous! Irresponsible!
Are you fucking insane?
You could've been killed!
Like...
Why are you like this?
Holy...
Okay, sorry, I shouldn't
have said that. Sorry.
Actually, no, I'm not sorry.
You should be sorry.
Now go sit down there. Now.
Sit down there. Don't move.
- Hey. Get your leg up.
This'll probably
sting a little.
That's a good one.
There you go.
- I'm sorry about your car.
- Makes two of us.
- And I'm sorry your wife
left you at the altar
'cause you circumcised
too much of your--
- Appreciate it.
You know, Udell.
You stay at camp long enough,
you start to realize
part of what
makes it all magic
is that it ends.
Jacob.
Let's go to the car.
All of my friends got
hooked up last night
Hi, guys!
Hey! Jacob, I'm so
glad to finally meet you.
- Yeah. Jacob,
you remember Gordon.
- Hey, Jacob!
- Hello.
- Okay!
- Let's get inside. Yeah.
Show me what a body feels
like in my hands
It's hard to remember
I've been looking for a new
god of some kind
Either of you want
a snack? We've got pasta.
- Oh.
- That's... thank you.
- Yeah, I made it myself.
- Wow! Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I just wanted to really
formally apologize.
For everything.
And I'm gonna make it up.
I promise.
I'll, I'll, I'll mow lawns.
I'll become a house cleaner.
Jaylen's really good
with crypto, so I--
- Okay, hey,
Jacob, relax, it's okay.
- It's just...
I know I screwed it up
with like everyone.
All of my friends got
hooked up last night
Now I'm feeling lost too
maybe when the bees come
Maybe when the bees come
- You are the greatest thing
that has ever happened
to both of us.
- That's right.
Yeah, things are different,
but that doesn't mean
they have to be worse.
- But you have to
give it a real try.
- Yeah.
Tell me now
when this went wrong
Tell me now when our
words became empty
It was a cold sentence maybe
I'm a helpless thing
It was a cold sentence
maybe I'm a helpless thing
- Hey.
Mind if I join?
- Magic club's open to all.
Today may just be
lower attendance.
Probably a busy
week for people.
- What's in this one?
- Give it a shake.
You're a natural.
I guess it runs in the family.
Oh, hey Seamus.
Great to see you.
This is Jacob.
He got exploding dice
on the first try.
- Nice to meet you.
So, are you more of
a mind freak or a card shark?
- Oh, no, I think
he's just an observer.
- Well, no, I did actually
have one question.
Do either of you have a trick
where you like
break out of chains?
Like a mental patient.
- I can teach you that one.
No problem.
But you know...
hang on a sec...
I'm actually feeling
a little nauseous.
Oh no, oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
Do you need water? I mean...
And she said
the movie sucked,
but it was good,
like it was so funny too.
- Wait, could you
say that again?
I couldn't hear you.
- Oh, don't worry,
you weren't there.
There was this pinata
and these clowns.
Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour,
bonjour, Hommocks
Middle School.
I am looking for a madame
by the name of Talia Simani.
Sweet Talia...
- Jacob, what are you doing?
- Baby, please.
Don't be a stranger.
It's Jacques.
I've broken out of
the asylum for you!
oh, my God. Wait,
Tali, is this your crazy ex?
- Jacques J'udell, enchant.
oh, my God.
- I... I... Jacques,
I thought I told you.
We broke up!
- I, I just really--
- Dude! Get the hell
out of my girl's face!
Talia is ours.
- It's okay, Courtney,
I've got this.
Sit down, you're
scaring people.
Also, the driver's gonna
be back in a minute.
And she's like
really protective
about strangers
coming on the bus.
He's totally real.
For the record,
I always believed her.
- Thank you for that.
- Yeah. Of course.
What the hell is
going on here?
I leave for five minutes,
and they tell me
some French motherf--
- Hey, uh, buddy,
I hope you don't mind,
I thought you might
like to have
some friends here with you.
Hey!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Udell. Well, well, well.
Hi, Bob.
- Hey, guys.
- Bob?
- Wow, you look slicker
than a greased watermelon.
- Thank you, Bob.
Kind of surprised
to see you here.
- Well, I'll be honest.
I was kind of surprised
to get the invite.
I'm thinking your dad
thought I was a child.
Speaking of
overgrown children,
where is the little
fungal stump?
- Yeah.
Have you guys heard
from Charn?
- Dana, from the moment
we first met,
I knew the next chapter
of my life had begun.
You fill me up with more joy
than I could possibly imagine.
And I vow to fill
you up even more.
In bed.
- What?
- Sorry. Allergies.
- Okay, um...
All of my life
has been prologue
leading up to this moment,
as we embark
upon this adventure--
What is marriage?
If you asked
a dictionary it would say,
"When two people get married."
But love,
that's a little bit
more complicated.
Not that you guys
need a reminder.
I mean you're both
on marriage number two.
- Ha!
- You do crazy things to
hold onto what you love.
And you do hold on tight
because you're terrified
of what it would be
like if you lost it.
And sometimes you do lose it,
but maybe it's not fully gone.
I hope.
Um...
Here's to finding the one.
Am I a bullfrog
or is hotter than July?
Ju-ly!
- Oh, my God.
- Um... Sorry, this is,
uh, usually when--
- Jakey, baby,
tell it to me fresh.
Well!
- Let's go! Crush rap!
My name's Jacob.
- And my name's Charn.
And there's
a funny little rumor
going 'round the barn.
A couple of love birds,
we don't know who.
The chickens won't--
- Peep!
- The cows won't--
- Dad?
- We asked the goats,
still no luck.
The llama said, "I don't
give a..."
- You got this. Go.
- Oh, Jesus, there's more.
- Remix!
Hello, my name's Barack Obama.
- Wow, he's finally doing it.
- Amen, y'all!
- Woo! Yeah, Charness!
- Hello, vanilla latte.
- I think he's doing
something racist.
- Banana! Minion at Starbucks!
- God, it's just Minions.
It's just Minions!
- You sir, what do
you do for work?
Happy birthday to me!
Check your crotch.
The five of diamonds
everybody.
- Oh, my God!
- Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah!
- I have a dream!
- That's my boy!
Mark and Dana
hug and kiss!
Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Hey, yes!
- I really feel like people
didn't get the Minions thing.
- It was perfect.
I totally got it.
That's how a Minion
would act at Starbucks.
- Thank you.
- Seriously, you have to
do that next summer.
- Yeah, well, about that.
I'm not coming back
next summer.
- What?
- My new school does this
mandatory summer session.
- I'm sorry.
- Honestly,
I hate to admit it,
but my new school
is kinda bomb.
My parents said I can't focus,
so now I get all
these accommodations.
Like I can take tests
for as long as I want.
They're such dumbasses.
- Oh, you two whispering
is never good.
- Don't worry, Bob.
Next summer, Fineman
will finally be free of us.
- Well, that makes
three of us.
Danny gave me the boot.
Udell, don't you go
worrying about old Bobby.
- I can't believe we're never
gonna be back at Foster Field.
- Well after spending many
an off-season at camp,
I can tell you boys,
it's not the place that makes
it feels like Fineman.
It's you Dillos running
on the woodchip path
when I tell you to walk.
- Come dance!
- Hey, Bob,
you want to join us?
- Oh, no, you go ahead.
I should play
with the grown-ups.
- Are you sure?
You don't know anybody.
- Go. Scram.
You too.
I pictured a rainbow
You held it in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw the plan
I wandered out in
the world for years
While you just
stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole
of the moon
The whole of the moon
You were there
in the turnstiles
with the wind
at your heels
You stretched for the stars
and you know how it feels
To reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole
of the moon
I was grounded
While you filled the skies
I was dumbfounded by truth
You cut through lies
I saw the rain
dirty valley
You saw Brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole
of the moon
I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered
I guessed I tried
You just knew
I sighed
But you swooned
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole
of the moon
The whole of the moon
The whole of the moon
With a torch in your pocket
and the wind at your heels
You climbed on the ladder
and you know how it feels
To get too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole
of the moon
The whole of the moon
Hey yeah
Unicorns and cannonballs
Palaces and piers
Trumpets and towers
and tenements
Wide oceans full of tears
Flags, rags and ferryboats
Scimitars and scarves
Every precious dream
and vision
Underneath the stars
Yes you climbed
on the ladder
With the wind
in your sails
You came like a comet
blazing your trail
Too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole
of the moon
Oh oh oh did you see
the whole of the moon
I am the youngest of
a family of spiders
I've got a web
of my very own weaving
I know where I belong
and nothing's gonna beat it
So I ain't going home
just because I'm leaving
So let's just
clear the air
I am over here
I'm over there
I am over here
I'm over there
Well the last time
that I got lonely
I didn't even
know your name
Once and again
for the first time
Yeah it's hope
but it ain't the same
I remember everything
you told me
I remember
you walking away
I felt it on the moment
that I met you
And that felt like
a place that I should stay
So let's just
clear the air
I am over here
I'm over there
I am over here
I'm over there
We were around
long before my birthday
They'll be around
to throw flowers at my grave
Me and you got
a history of history
Me and you
two continuous waves
So let us fill the air
We are over here
we're over there
Okay, and our last
presenter to share
their reflections of their
summer plans is Jacob Udell.
- You know how there are
those places
where everything
just makes sense?
And all your problems
melt away?
For me, that place is camp.
And I'm not talking about
some two-bit,
week-long bullshit day camp,
I'm talking about
sleep-away camp.
And tomorrow, my ten-month
wait will be over,
and the two best months
of the year
are about to begin.
Do you believe in miracles?!
Yeah!
- Dude, I was so wrong
not to invite you
to Dave and Buster's
three weeks ago.
I'll regret that decision
for the rest of my life.
- Jacob, when I told
your parents
you were a handful,
I was actually
talking about another kid.
- I know I can be a bit
too much sometimes.
- Oh, no, you're perfect.
Fuck school. Let's go to camp!
I want to get a sun tan
on these titties!
- Yeah!
- Woo!
Jacob! Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
Jacob! Jacob!
Jacob,
are you ready to present?
- Oh.
Yeah, uh...
Asshole.
- You know how
there are those places--
- That bullshit made us
five minutes late.
Stop fucking trying so hard.
- I mean, I guess it sort of
looks like camp.
Like, that thing in the middle
is Lake Baboosic at night.
Yeah, actually, it's kind of
an identical outline.
Okay, Max,
that's really great.
And over by the dock
there's two counsellors
like, making out.
Oh, sick, and it's two girls.
Oh, wait, it's dark,
but, uh, that's my boy Jacob.
He's walking in the woods
with Tali.
Come on, man. Come on!
Ah, shit. He chickened out.
You got the looks, Jakey,
all you need
is the confidence!
Man, I hate to see him
with that sad face.
- You got all that from this?
What do you think that means?
- How should I know?
Aren't you the nurse?
- No, I'm the school-mandated
behavioral therapist.
Narc.
Look, Mr. Song,
have you ever been to camp?
- No, Max.
As I've told you before,
they did not have Jewish
summer camp in Korea.
- Well then,
the fuck do you know?
Us camp people
are just different.
We snuggle. We cry with pride.
We shit with the doors open.
- Okay, let's not
get into that--
- Look, I'm a totally
different person at camp.
They don't even call me Max.
I just go by Charness.
- Okay, well, why can't you
be that person here, too?
- Wow.
Fucking great suggestion.
You don't think
I've tried that?
Mr. Song, they locked me
to the bike rack.
- Okay, what those kids did
was not okay.
- Fucking assholes.
I don't even look like
a curly haired soup dumpling.
I mean seriously,
look at some of the shit
they've been
circling around school.
Fucking dipshits.
Look! Do I look anything
like that?
- Mm...
Max, I want--
- Fuck those kids
and fuck ChatGPT.
- Max, we're talking about you
having lasting friendships.
Oh, I'm so sorry Mr. Song,
I know this is bad timing,
but it's Jacob.
'Sup, bitch?
- Hey, man.
- Dude, have you ever
tried therapy?
It's like, really weird.
Look, Mr. Song,
I think we've made
about as much progress
as we're gonna make this year,
so, I say we call it.
Have a great summer!
You and me we could be
like best friends
Me and you it just makes
good sense
You and me I'm a house
and you're the fire
And I can't tell you why
But it feels like
I've known you all my life
- Hey!
- Yeah!
Oh, my God. Come here,
you sweet baby.
- I missed you, man.
- I missed you too.
- Oh, my God.
Okay, notice how
I'm walking different?
Okay.
- It's 'cause my penis
got like a full inch longer.
And a little rounder too.
Arm hug!
- This is it, boys!
This is why we live
ten for two!
- Ten for two!
- Ten for two!
Ten for two!
- Gentlemen,
this is our summer.
Every night, we put our heads
to our pillows
dreaming of the first night
of camp.
Gents, it's finally here.
Take it in, boys.
For these two months,
we are going to have...
- The highest percentage
of successful
ask-outs to the social!
Yeah!
- We're gonna grind!
- Yeah!
- And what are we gonna wear?
Mesh shorts.
- Maximum friction!
Maximum friction!
Maximum friction!
- The longest shower party
on record!
- We're going to explore
each other's bodies!
Yeah!
- Ten months of winter!
- Boo!
- Ten months of math?
- Fuck fractions!
Boo!
- Ten months of your dad
coming home
smelling like perfume,
but your mom doesn't
wear perfume!
- Boo!
- Boo!
- This day's why we live
ten for two.
Ten for two!
Ten for two! Ten for two!
- Charn, you up?
- Too excited. Can't sleep.
- I'm so glad we made it.
- Same. I know every year
my parents say
they need a break from me,
but this year,
it wasn't in a funny way.
I think they're like,
starting to actually hate me.
- Dude, they're idiots.
Don't listen to them.
Do you ever wonder why
something so epic at camp
can be like,
so lame back at home?
- You mean like
arts and crafts?
Friendship bracelets?
Clogged toilets?
Rap battles, but in a made-up
language nobody understands?
- No, I mean like, me.
Nobody likes me at home.
- I'm sorry, man.
- This is where we're gonna be
forever, man.
Four more glorious summers
as campers, and then...
- And then when we're 16,
we're apprentices,
and we'll be inducted
into the plunger hall of fame.
- Hell yeah.
And maybe by then,
Tali and I would've been
dating for like, four years.
'Cause this summer,
I'm gonna ask her out.
- And when we're 40,
we'll use our fortunes
from the private sector
to buy camp.
- Leaving us with a combined
net worth of 19 billion.
- Which doesn't even include
my eraser collection.
- And we'll become
the longest-running Fineman
in camp history.
- And you and me
are gonna crush rap
every single day
until we're 99 years old.
Am I bullfrog?
Or is it hotter than July?
- Oh, and maybe I can do
the solo part sometimes?
- Sure. Yeah, you know,
it's just, I sort of feel
like I need it, so...
- Well, maybe we could
do it together?
- But then it wouldn't be
a solo.
- Ah, oh, yeah, I guess
I didn't think of that.
- The point is,
we're gonna spend
the rest of our lives at camp.
- Until we retire
and spend our final days
where it all started,
at Old Camp!
- The original paradise.
I like it!
- And we'll drink the Old Camp
lake water,
which is sweeter than Sprite!
- We'll sleep in
the original bunks!
- Where over the pants
handjobs
were literally invented!
- OTPHJs.
- Yeah!
And where they played
fuck, marry, kill.
But it wasn't a game,
they did it for real!
And one day,
they'll bury us in Old Camp.
And then,
we'll decompose into the soil
and become trees.
12 for 12,
the best place on Earth.
- Chipwiches in the Head Tunk!
Sydney Sweeney?
What are you doing in here?
Noboy come in.
- Hey, Leon! Have you, uh,
checked the Head Tunk?
They early posted
the second month play.
- Please tell me
it's music man!
Tiny head,
massive suction.
Count it, Jacob.
- The plunging must stop!
- Did they actually leak
the color war captains
on the Head Tunk?
Yeah,
come check it out!
- No, no, no, no, Charn.
It's just Tali. Relax.
If we plunge
three more people,
we'll break
the first month record.
- Okay, well, I just wanted
to say good luck today.
Parents-wise.
You feeling okay?
- Yeah, I mean,
dad's last letter said
"We're coming at 11."
So, it sounds like
they're still in one car,
at least.
- All right.
Well, crossing my fingers.
- Jacob, your micro-boner's
showing.
- What? No, it's not micro,
and it's like,
in the 55th percentile.
- Okay. Well, you guys know
Sophie Friedman?
She's in Haven one.
She lives in Manhattan.
Her mom was in
a Doritos commercial.
- I should go.
- Yeah, me too.
- Bye, Tali.
- Dude. I do not get
what you see
in that girl right there.
Tali's a liar! She tells
these random-ass stories
to the girls in her cabin
that make no sense at all.
- Tali is the most
underrated girl at camp.
- If you like her, why haven't
you asked her out yet?
- It's never really been
the right moment.
- Bro, shut up.
I watched you choke it
at both socials.
And you do not get
a third social.
- I'm gonna do it.
Okay, everybody!
Visiting day begins
in five minutes sharp.
And parents, if you've
forgotten your utensils,
that is not an invitation
to use the dining hall.
- Mmm. Skin's the best part.
- Why are you guys eating
two totally different meals?
- Um...
- Well, there was a bit
of a food miscommunication.
Uh, I got on the road later
than your mother--
- Yes.
- ...this morning.
- You guys didn't take
the same car?
- No, no.
- Honey, we talked about this.
Your father and I,
we're separated.
- You said you were gonna use
this summer
to go over all the logistics.
- Right.
- Yes, the logistics
of our divorce.
- Oh. Okay.
- Jacob, I started
seeing someone else.
Mark...
- And, we're engaged.
- What?!
I am seeing
someone else now and we are--
- You don't have
to repeat yourself.
Mark, Mark.
He heard you. Okay?
He's just in shock.
Understandably.
Okay, can you please
not do this?
Don't antagonize me
for literally no reason.
Mark, can you just
fuck off for one--
- I can hear everything
you're saying.
- Why don't I grab some
ice creams? Okay?
- Yeah, good idea. Um,
if they have
cookies and cream,
just get me like a cup.
Or a cone, whatever they have.
- Who even is this woman?
- Tell me about it.
Can you imagine
what I've been living with?
- Not Mom.
- Oh, right. Uh, Dana.
Her name is Dana.
- Dana.
- Yeah, her name is Dana.
- Mmm.
- She's an event coordinator.
And she's working on a novel.
- Uh-huh.
- Actually, I think you
know her son.
Uh, Gordon Fisher.
- That guy?
- Yeah.
- He's a freak, Dad!
- Well, I know he's a bit
of a character, but--
- He stands outside
of carpool,
and he practices magic
with a wand.
Vanilla!
- Okay. Let's just please
go to the registration tent.
I want my shirt.
- Oh. Uh...
Your mother and I
need to figure out
exactly what next year...
- Next step is...
- Wait.
Financially, yeah.
- Okay, stop.
You guys aren't actually
about to say
I'm not coming back
next summer?
- It's a possibility.
- They are bringing back
tubing next year. I--
These are my only friends!
You're telling me you can't
find any way
to drum up eight grand?
- I mean, that personal
trainer is very expensive,
are you sure that's necessary?
- You gave 5,000 dollars
to Elizabeth Warren
for president. Does that feel
like money well spent?
- I'm going to the tent.
- Hey, hey, hey!
First of all, come here.
Come here, come here.
We all have to make
sacrifices.
Yeah, all right,
enough, Mark, just...
- Well, not me.
Please. Not this one.
- Well, we'll call
the camp office
when we get home,
you don't have to worry
about any of this.
- Yeah.
It's gonna be okay,
kiddling.
I promise you.
It'll all work out, okay?
- Okay. Okay?
- I'm not stepping foot
in that fucking woman's house
with her freak of nature son
who's going to turn me
unpopular.
- Fuck!
Nothing fucking works!
- Charn, what happened
with your parents today?
- You know how I catfished
my principal on Match.com?
- You just said your principal
didn't like you.
- Yeah, 'cause I catfished him
on Match.com
and got him to send a picture
of him licking a lollipop.
I told you guys this.
- No, you did not.
- Well, the school tracked
my IP address,
and now I'm kicked out.
- Damn, that really sucks.
- And my parents
are sending me
to this boarding school
for "diverse learners."
- Fuck that!
- You know that kid
Alan Barbossa
who's like obsessed with me?
Well he gave my parents
another letter for me.
It's like, "Tali, I love you!
Why can't we just
be together?"
- Let me see the letter.
Because I'm telling you,
I'm gonna write him back
and annihilate him.
- I threw it out.
Can we just try to find
smaller sticks?
- No, we can break this one.
- Fuck!
I'm not going to that
fucking boarding school.
Everyone knows I would look
shitty with a buzz cut!
- Out of my face!
This is total crap,
but, what other option
do we have?
- What if we never went home?
- Are you suggesting what
I think you're suggesting?
- Enough with ten for two.
We need to go
twelve for twelve.
All-year camp.
- You're talking dirty,
little man, and I like it.
Let's make a baby!
- For real, for real.
What if at the end
of the summer
when the busses leave,
we don't get on?
We hide.
And when the coast is clear,
we run, and we just keep
doing camp?
- Well, we can't just run.
That would be dumb.
We'd need a destination.
Like, somewhere off the grid,
but with shelter.
- Wait, where did
Bin Laden hide?
- What about Old Camp?
- I don't think he hid
at Old Camp.
I think it was like,
Asia or something?
- No, no, you mean like
the original site of Fineman?
- Old Camp.
It's perfect.
I heard that when
they moved, they
just left everything
behind untouched.
It's like a Jewish museum,
but without all the sad parts.
We'd have bunks,
kitchen, PB and J for days.
It's perfect.
If we pull this off,
all of it goes away,
and the only thing left
is camp.
- 12 for 12.
- 12 for 12.
- 12 for 12.
Three, two, one!
On the last day
of camp,
the only staff on site
will be Bob.
That guy? Pure misery.
I heard his wife left him
at the altar
for his own brother.
Now, he's a cuck.
Bob's wife
called it off
because he wasn't Jewish.
So he tried
to circumcise himself,
but he accidentally
cut off too much.
And now he's a eunuch.
- You're both wrong.
He's ex-military.
He was dishonorably discharged
from Guantanamo
for being too rough
on the Taliban.
He's legally
prohibited from using a knife.
And he cut off
the heads of like
50 Beanie Babies.
That's why
he only eats soup.
She broke it off
because he jerked off so much,
only air comes out.
It's just some scammer
sending him pictures
of Dua Lipa.
That's how he can
spend his whole life at camp
and still be miserable.
Forever you forever me
Forever Bob on ATV
- There's nothing
that guy won't do.
We're going to have
to neutralize him.
- What do we do
about our parents?
- By the time
they figure it out,
it'll be too late.
Dear dad.
Camp's going great.
Oh, Charness!
Am I a bullfrog?
Or is it hotter than--
July?
- Jakey, baby,
tell it to me fresh.
Crush rap! Let's go!
No, actually,
it's going epic.
Everything is just
clicking into place.
My name's Jacob!
- And my name's Charn!
And there's a funny
little rumor
going 'round the barn.
- We want some remix!
Even our crush rap
is reaching new heights.
Remix!
- He's doing the Matrix!
And honestly,
I think it's because
everyone's just so unified.
And just like,
really growing up.
Now, my bunk is the family I--
Trust!
To catch me when I--
Fall!
I'm on top
of the world here.
And not just 'cause I'm king
of the frickin' zip line.
Dad, don't worry about me.
And I won't' worry about you.
Time truly does fly at camp.
I almost wish it wouldn't end.
If you're in this room,
you know just as well as I do
that there is nothing
waiting for us back home.
Here's the plan.
Tomorrow morning,
we grab the last
of the supplies
and then set off to Old Camp.
And once we land,
we're doing summer forever.
Thank you!
Thank you very much.
It's gonna be epic. We've been
stocking up on food,
and the fridge at Old Camp's
gonna be filled with shit too.
And guys, I'm thinking
the first night at Old Camp,
we should have a social.
- Yeah!
- Okay, a third social?
Is that even allowed?
- Don't you get it?
Everything's allowed.
- I heard at Old Camp,
they had queen-sized beds
made for fucking, like,
they were encouraging it.
Oh, yeah!
We're going to create
a new society.
New art, new recipes.
New languages.
Doobity-doobity-doo.
You'll soon know
what that means.
- Mushki mishka dashimicreesh.
- That translates to,
"Fineman forever".
And you'll know what
that means soon enough!
The only staff left on site
tomorrow will be Bob.
Damn, bro.
Fuck Bob.
He's a million years old,
he prints out his emails,
and he pays for AOL.
- We'll take care of Bob.
- How are we actually supposed
to leave the camp tomorrow
without anyone noticing?
Won't they make us, like,
get on a bus?
- We all know the rules.
Anyone with pink eye
quarantines for 48 hours.
- So, if we wake up tomorrow
with pink eye,
we can't leave camp.
- That's when we execute
our escape.
- Problem is,
we don't have pink eye.
Ew.
- Dude!
- No!
- Ew!
- This is your last chance.
There's no turning back.
You take the blue pill,
a melatonin that I stole
from the camp nurse's office.
You go to sleep,
and you wake up
tomorrow morning,
you forget all about this.
Or, you take the red pill.
And you stay in wonderland.
And I show you just how deep
the rabbit hole goes.
- So let me get this straight,
you expect us
to intentionally
put poop particles in our face
so that we end up
purposely geting pink eye?
- That is step one.
- Pretty good.
- Step two.
The virus incubates
for 12 hours.
When we wake up
in the morning,
a lucky few of us
will find freedom .
Why not have an adventure?
If you don't get
pink eye,
you shut your fucking mouth
and take this conversation
with you to the grave.
- Long distance?
- No way.
We're like,
so in love.
Step three, parents.
The pink eye will give us
a 48-hour head-start
before our families
get suspicious.
After that,
I'll be faking our deaths
and planting our DNA
in the bag of bones
in Bob's fire pit.
- Fuck you, Mom and Dad!
James, I wish
you weren't my brother.
Eat shellfish and die!
- Fuck ten for two.
Step four.
Under no circumstances
does this information
leave this room.
This camp is filled
with snitches.
Especially that little
rat fuck Leo--
- Well, well, well.
Just as I suspected.
A merry band
of thugs and thieves
here to raid our dining hall.
My parents paid good money
for this food!
- Shut the fuck up, Leon!
- No! Fuck! I didn't get it!
Fuck!
- Charn?
- Jacob?
- Well aren't you a sight
for pink eyes?
- Goddamn, you're sexy!
- Oh, thank you!
Who needs to shit?
- Holy shit, Leon,
you look like a ginormous
sunset took a shit
in your eyes.
- Excuse me?
- Leon, we also don't
want you to come with us
on this escape,
but you know too much.
- Yeah. Conjunctivitis.
Can't put you
on the bus today.
You look a little off, Udell.
Bob?
May we speak in private?
- Leon,
I don't have time today.
Danny, what's your 20?
We got a situation.
Forget it. I'll find you.
- And I hear you,
but after today,
that's Miss Rockhauer's
problem, okay?
Oh, shit.
- Hey, Danny boy.
- Yeah.
- Tried to reach you
on walkie.
I think you're offline.
I'm on channel four.
- Stop.
- It's a direct line.
- Okay.
- Anyway,
this pink eye situation
is really out of control.
Way worse than 2000--
- Okay, look, I have to go
wave some kids goodbye,
if you could just give me
the headline.
- Well, we're on
a 48-hour lockdown.
So coverage-wise,
we're working with
me, you, sorta thinking
it was a boys night out,
and... thoughts on Peter
from music?
- Okay, Bob, stop.
Summer's over, all right?
The counsellors
are clocked out.
- Fine, you're the director.
You choose the third.
- No, it's just you. M'kay?
You think you can handle that?
- Of course.
- Right. Do not fuck this up.
This is a stage-five
quarantine.
You will be sheltering
in place
for the next 48 hours.
There's three meals,
two snacks, and one rule.
Do not leave the rooms.
You've got mail.
- Lake house?
Oh, you did it, Bobby!
Dear Bob.
I'm writing to invite you
to my lake house
to come accept a new position
that shall be named
Director of New Camper
Development.
In this capacity,
you will be expected to manage
and supervise
multiple projects--
- I'm momentarily
stepping out.
- Including teaching proper
trust fall etiquette...
As well
as basic self defense
against swirlies,
titty-twisters,
and other nefarious acts
of the demented.
- Oh, yeah!
- Ah! It burns! Ah!
- Move people, let's move!
Don't forget to grab
the oral swabs,
we need oral swabs!
Go, go, go, go!
- Charn, he's too big!
I been doing this before Nas
dropped the Nasty
My Wallos I did 'em up
them bricks I sent 'em up
My raps y'all bit 'em up
for that now stick 'em up
10-4 good buddy Tone
got his money up
Worth millions still bag
your b----
Murder my wrist couldn't
take it and bailed
And left my fingers for dead
told 'em
I ain't had nothing to do
with the writing
Now hold you down when
you be squeezing that lead
Let's go!
Woo!
Three, two, one, lift!
Guys, hop in.
Hop in, here we go!
Director of new
camper development?
Um, yeah, man. I don't know.
I think this is some sort
of prank or something.
Because, uh...
Yeah, I don't know.
It says my...
my email is DannyCampReal?
You thought my email
was DannyCampReal?
- Danny, you know how much
I care about this place,
right?
- Sure.
- No one cares about
Fineman more than me.
I...
guess what I'm saying is
I do have more to offer.
- Yeah, and I mean, we...
I mean, we love having you
on the staff.
I mean, you've been here
for what, eight? Nine summers?
- 26 years.
- That's an incredible legacy.
We're really lucky.
And as much as I'd love
to keep having this convo,
I mean, shit,
you should probably
go check on those kids, right?
Here's your email. Okay?
- Thanks again.
- Yeah, thank you,
no, thank you, Bob.
- Well, not thanks,
but you know
how thankful I am.
- Let's fucking rain!
A loyal servant,
great friend...
And powerful enemy
of clogged toilets.
And therefore,
whence... say that, say that.
- Oh, okay.
- In conclusion--
Well, I guess
this wasn't here in the 20s.
That's the longest
fence I've ever seen.
All right.
We'll just, uh...
We'll just hop the fence.
- Um...
I don't like this.
I don't like this at all.
Leon, relax.
It's an old sign.
I'm sure it's fine. Okay?
So,
who wants to go first?
- Ah! Oh, my God!
Thank you. You saved me.
- Some blood.
From the bird, I'm guessing.
- He saved her.
- It was nothing. No problem.
There's gotta be
another place to... pull off.
- Ah!
- What?
- Udell...
- Bob knows where we are!
- What?
Oh, thank God!
Come here, Bob! Save me!
- Shut up!
- Shut the fuck up!
- Save me!
- Relax, there's no way
he could see us across--
Goddammit!
He just eye-fucked me
through the binoculars!
Why is he looking at me
that way?! I'm a child, Bob!
Holy shit,
and he's still there.
- Save me!
- Leon, enough!
- I was just stretching
my arm!
- I'll stretch it for you
if you don't stop it!
He'll boat over
in like 40 seconds.
Fuck.
- No. I drained all the gas
- from the boats.
- Yes! You're a genius.
- Mother fuck,
we need a plan right now!
- What about a hole?
We could dig a hole.
- We don't even have
a shovel, like...
- We could crawl through...
Guys, I got it.
All the electric's coming
from up there.
I'm gonna climb up
and I'm gonna cut the power.
Once I do, be ready to scale.
- Jacob, are you insane?
- He is a mad man
and we are in his cult!
Well,
if you're gonna do it, go!
- I will not be
your Manson girl!
- There's no other way.
And we are not turning back.
- Don't move!
That is an order! Don't move!
Coming for you, Udell.
Oh, God. Oh, oh God.
- Hurry the fuck up!
- Think you can outrun
old Bobby? Think again!
- We got 40 seconds tops!
You gotta do something, Jacob!
Come on, let's go!
You can run,
you can hide,
but you won't get away!
- How the fuck
do you turn this thing off?
Come on, let's go!
As soon as that thing
turns off,
Sophie, you go first.
- No, I'm waiting for Jackson.
He'll need our help.
- Sophie,
Jackson isn't coming.
- He promised.
- He's a fuck boy!
He cheated on you all summer.
There are delinquents
across the lake!
I repeat,
delinquents across the lake!
- Rachel Bernstein jacked
him off during Finding Nemo.
- That's a frickin lie!
- Leon?
- They brought a blanket,
and it was 90 degrees.
- Marlon was finding Nemo,
and he was jizzing!
- That fucker!
- Okay...
These wires aren't connected
to shit!
Nothing's happening!
Just keep pulling shit!
Dam alert.
Dam alert.
Doctor Taylor...
Help, help!
Hey,
don't tell anybody, but--
I fucked a parent
in the nature shed!
- Hell yeah!
- Okay, got it! Go!
Everybody climb!
Go, go, go!
- Go, go, go, go, go!
- Udell!
- Fuck.
- Come on, hurry up!
- You got it!
Let's go!
- Hurry up!
- I'm fucking stuck!
- Use your core, Charn!
- Shut the fuck up,
I'm trying!
- Come on!
- Just turn the power back on
and let me die!
- Then we can leave!
Come on, let's go!
No!
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God, hurry up!
- Too slow, Bob!
Charn! Run!
Kumbayah my Lord
Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord
Kumbayah
Kumbayah my Lord
Kumbayah
Oh Lord Kumbayah
Someone's singing Lord
Kumbayah
Someone's singing Lord
Ah, frick. Ah...
Ugh... Son of a bitch.
- Is he dead?
- Oh, fuck.
Oh, my God.
Oh, my God!
Thank God he's alive.
I am the youngest
of a family of spiders
I got a web...
Okay,
fuck the squishy ball.
Marry the concept of science,
and kill Toy Story Two.
What the fuck?
- Wait, what?!
- No!
I'm still on duty
at work,
and if I don't get back--
- Slow down. Just slow down.
Hey, Danny, the kids
have been having
an absolute blast.
Bob,
Sophie Friedman's
mom is calling me,
saying no one's answering
the infirmary phone.
What's going on?
Charness,
what do you mean
three-state solution?
- Hey, hey, gotta go--
Charness, sit!
Miss Ephraim.
48 hours,
I'll have Leon packed
and pink-eye free,
and that's a Bob guarantee.
Would you rather
be made out of carbon
or all hydrogen?
- What the hell
does that even mean?
- There is a right answer,
though.
I felt it on the moment
that I met you
And that felt like a place
that I should stay
So let's just
clear the air
I am over here
I'm over there
Said I am over here
I'm over there
Yeah yeah yeah yeah
- You know,
I'm sorry about Jackson.
I know how it feels
to have everyone but you
in on a secret.
Charness once farted
into my Nalgene
and said I ate his ass
by the transitive property.
As if that's how
the transitive property
even works. Frickin' moron.
- Men are pigs.
- Men are the whole damn barn.
And you know what?
I'll frickin' drink to that.
- Not from your Nalgene,
I hope.
Soldiers!
The final descent is upon us!
Woo!
- What a run-down
piece of shit.
- I know. It's perfect.
Let's go!
Bingo!
Found the fridge!
- Let's go.
It's locked.
Come on!
Goddammit.
- I got a plan.
Everybody take cover!
This place is about
to smell like a frat house.
Allahu Akbar.
- Holy shit.
- Guys,
we hit the mother lode.
Old wine!
- Three, two, one!
- My name is Tali--
Oh, sorry.
Three, two, one!
Soy bean. Yeah!
And easy cheese. Yeah!
- My name is Tali?
- Yeah?
- I don't wear makeup.
- Yeah.
- Who's gonna hook up?
- Yeah?
- Charness and Jacob!
All right, gang!
The time has come
for tonight's
evening activity.
And as promised,
we are having a social!
And the theme
for tonight's social...
Is a wedding.
- Who's getting married?
- Um, well, I actually,
come to think of it, I was--
Leon?
Will you camp marry me?
- Well, I-I haven't
met your parents yet,
but... why the hell not?
- Yay... Yeah!
That's... what I was thinking!
Yeah, let's go, guys, yeah.
From instructional swim
to free swim.
From Old Camp to new.
'Til death do you part.
I now pronounce you
husband and wife.
- Yeah!
- I love being married!
I'm this I'm that
I'm sharp I'm flat
- 12 for 12!
- 12 for 12!
I know how hard
a wedding can be for you
considering that your parents'
love was fake.
Those vows meant nothing.
- How do you know
when a guy likes you?
- Anyone in particular
you're thinking of?
- I've been waiting for him
to like, make a move,
but nothing's happening.
- Dude, let's crush rap.
- Hell yeah, let's do it!
Wait, can I do the remix part?
- Totally.
How about next time?
- That's what you said
last time.
- This place is amazing!
Let's never leave!
Am I a bullfrog,
'cause it's hotter than July!
If it makes you
feel any better,
it's usually not
the kid's fault.
- I don't think
it was my fault, yeah.
It's not because
you did anything,
it's because you exist.
do you think
he's like, embarrassed?
- Remix!
Like I'm following
him around
and he doesn't even
care about me?
- I'm here I'm there
I'm foul I'm fair
Hi.
- Hi.
- So, uh...
whatcha thinking about?
- I don't know.
What are you thinking about?
- You know, at camp,
I always tell everyone that
you're the most underrated.
- Underrated at what?
- Well, just in the rankings.
- Well, thank you so much
for seeing my potential.
- What?
- That's really great.
- No, no, no, Tali.
It wasn't meant like that,
it was meant as a compliment.
I'm sorry.
Wait, I don't understand,
are... are you mad?
- I'm fine, I'm just...
I should get some sleep, so...
- Hello, my husband.
- Hello, my wife.
- Have you ever danced
with someone before?
- No.
- I'll teach you. Come.
Put your hands on my waist.
- Oh.
- Just like that.
- Okay.
- There you go. Now just
sway side to side.
There you go.
Yeah, you got it.
- So, you gonna miss home?
- My whole family thinks
they're so smart
and I'm the fuck up.
I guess they decided
they were done with me.
But hey, looks like
I'm done with them, too.
- Well, I think you're smart.
Like that one time
when you forgot your line
in the play, and did
the Star Wars
impression instead.
Like, you're really inventive.
Thank you,
I must.
- So... do you miss New York?
I bet you have all sorts of
cool things waiting for you.
Is it true that
your best friends
are all older DJs?
No.
My home friends
are all kind of the same.
It's nice to feel special
at camp.
- You know I also invented
the remix part.
- Like, of the crush rap?
- Yeah.
- That's the best part.
- I know.
But Jacob's whole
point is like...
He said it's better
if he does it,
'cause it's more
of a surprise.
- But what's the surprise?
Doesn't he do it every time?
- Thank you again
for marrying me.
It multiplies my cool factor
by like 1,000.
- Don't listen to what
the guys say.
Trust me,
when you're older,
you'll be cooler
than all of them.
- Hope you're right.
But for now,
the only thing
that'll make you cool to them
is if you have your penis
manipulated by a girl's hand.
- You mean a handjob?
- Mm-hmm.
The devil's handshake.
- If you want,
you can tell
the guys you got one.
From me.
- But why would I say that?
- Sometimes, you just gotta
fake it 'til you make it.
- Okay, swear
you won't tell anyone?
- I won't.
- Like at all?
- I won't.
- Please.
- What'd you do?
- I just, I did this
dumb thing at school
where I told everyone I had
this boyfriend from camp,
and that he was this hot
French boy
who'd like, serenade me,
and was just like,
obsessed with me.
Named Jacques.
- Wait. You mean Jacques-ob?
- Then the girls
were suspicious
and thought I was lying
and asked to meet him,
so I said that we broke up
and he went crazy
from the heartbreak,
and was sent away
to a mental institution.
- Well played.
- Not really.
They figured it out.
And then everyone
treated me like shit.
- Is that when you started
talking to Alan the stalker?
- Yeah, there's also no Alan.
Sorry about
lying about that too.
I'm sorry.
- I don't give a shit.
I'm the same guy that
catfished his principal
pretending to be a 42-year-old
hooker named Kathy.
- Like, I told everyone
from home
that I had this guy from camp
that was obsessed with me,
and everyone from camp
that I had this guy from home
that was obsessed with me.
But, really,
no one's thinking about me.
- I mean...
I think about you.
Kissed you, I have.
Lord Anakin,
don't slaughter the children!
- 0 600. Base...
Secured.
As the captain...
The darkness
is his worst enemy.
- Udell.
Where are you? Pick up!
I'm coming to get you.
- That won't be necessary.
- Well, enjoy tonight. Truly.
'Cause when I find you
tomorrow, it's all over.
- You wish, Bob. We're gonna--
- No, no, no.
Not for them. For you.
Yeah, I heard your parents
don't want you
coming back next summer.
- They're still deciding!
- No, it's decided.
They emailed the camp office
to withdraw you
and everything.
Got your attention, huh? Good.
'Cause I'm about
to make you an offer
one time and one time only.
I'm currently in Danny's
office holding a ring of keys.
And one of these
little buggers
opens Danny's lock box
full of petty cash.
Added all up, and I would say
it's quite a haul.
To the tune of, hmm,
eight, nine grand.
That kind of coin
would get you, maybe...
One more summer at camp?
Could be useful in event
your "run away forever"
plan doesn't work out.
- No deal, Bob, I'm not
taking your fucking bribe.
I'd never sell out my Dillos.
- You know, Udell, you
and I aren't that different.
I bet in another life we
could've been friends.
- Yeah. And in another life,
maybe my parents
would like each other.
And I would have
a four inch dick.
- I've been doing this
a long time.
I love camp more
than anything too, Udell.
Why do you think
I stuck around so long?
Nah, I see myself in you, kid.
- We couldn't be
more different.
You sit alone in the woods,
and I've got my Dillos
keeping me alive and strong.
- You want to know
how this ends, Udell?
I win, you lose.
- You're never
gonna find us, Bob.
Not today, not tomorrow.
We're gonna make it.
'Cause we've got everything
we need to survive.
You okay, big man?
- Okay, so, ideally,
we wouldn't have gone through
all our snacks in one night.
But now, we get to see
what Old Camp pantry
really has to offer.
Exhibit A.
Tali, peanut butter
jelly time?
- Yeah, I guess.
- Ew.
- Oh, god.
- Looks a little
darker than usual.
- Is all the food expired?
- No, it just, this is just
how they used to
make peanut butter
before it got all woke.
- Jacob, it smells like
my dog's asshole.
Aw, I miss my dog.
- Smells like my Nana when
they found her body.
All mushy.
- She would've been proud
of the woman you became.
- What the fuck?
Don't, just don't.
- Yeah, I... I like it.
What else do we have?
- Maybe like
the beginning of a salad?
- Cook this guy up.
- The hell is that?!
- I am not eating that!
- Jesus.
- No!
- Relax, I'd remove the eyes.
- Well I found
a can of tomatoes!
Hey, man,
are you sure
this water's okay to fish in?
It looks like
it's full of shit.
I feel like the rat
was a good idea,
you didn't really
give it a chance.
- Charness, just fish, please.
- Hey, did uh, did Tali say
anything to you last night?
Like, about me?
- Nothing I can remember.
Did something happen?
- Well, which one's
second base?
- You went to second base?
- No, I wouldn't
kiss and tell,
I'm just wondering, generally.
- First base, kissing with
tongue, and moaning.
Second base, tits out,
no bulge, kissing and moaning.
Third base,
you lick her butthole
and then you have
dinner with her parents.
Did you do that?
Well, actually,
I was going to say...
Tali's actually gotten
a lot cooler
and funnier than I remembered.
- Oh Dillos!
What the fuck?
- Morning, gents.
I'd say I told you so, but I
think it's pretty damn clear.
- How did you find us?
- You stole the map
to old camp.
"Oh, let's do camp forever.
What a sustainable
long-term plan."
You know there's a rat
carcass on the barbecue?
Those things
carry Ebola, right?
Leon. What the hell
happened to you?
- Sophie stroked my penis.
- Okay.
Come on.
You know this plan was doomed.
Didn't you, Udell?
- Okay, fine.
I'll take the deal.
Kid, it's way
too late for that.
But if it makes
you feel any better,
I was never gonna give you
that cash in the first place.
Jacob,
what's he talking about?
Your fearless leader
didn't tell you?
Jacob's not
coming back next year,
his parents won't
shell out the dough.
- Is that true?
- Yeah. He knew that.
And now, no one's
coming back next summer!
Unless, starting right now,
you obey my every word.
I am bringing you back to camp
where you will sit
in the infirmary
like God's perfect angels
until your parents arrive.
And then...
we write this off
as our little secret.
- Sounds like a bribe
so you don't get fired.
- Astute.
Udell, I think
I speak for everyone
when I say we're gonna
miss that keen intuition
when you're gone next year.
All right. Let's go.
Hey, Jake!
Angus, don't move!
Nobody move! Jacob!
Come on! Jacob!
Udell, be reasonable.
- What the fuck!
- Whoa, whoa!
- Holy shit! Get off the hood!
- Stop!
- Never!
- Ah! Stop!
- You're too old
for camp, Bob!
- You think you're tough?
- No!
- You think you're
gonna break me?
- Mow him down, Jacob!
- Get the fuck off, Bob!
I'm gonna buck you!
- You're gonna what me?
- I'm gonna buck you
off the hood!
Evil, evil child!
- Cuddles.
I think there's
something on my windshield.
You got
the devil in you!
You little prick!
- Yes!
- You're gonna kill us!
- Bye-bye, Bobby!
- Whoa!
- Oh my God!
- Did he fucking kill him?
- No, no, no, no.
I can't go to prison.
I can't go to prison!
- Guys like me don't
make it out of juvie.
- Nobody move.
- Oh, fuck, he's alive.
- Everybody run!
- I'll protect you.
For my wife!
- Leon!
- Leon! Leon!
Leon!
- Fineman forever!
- Shit.
- Hi. Thank you.
- Pretty badass, right?
- Leon.
The last 24 hours
has been so, so great.
- Agreed.
- But, I have to
go back to the city.
And, Leon, you're ten.
And you live in Georgia.
- Wait, we're breaking up?
- I am in so deep right now.
I screwed up at work big time.
And if I can't find
a way to fix this
and I lose my job, then...
Then there's truly
nothing left for me.
- I don't want to go home.
- Leon, we can
still be friends.
- Sophie, you're making
the biggest fucking mistake.
- I have 150 kids who just...
absolutely hate me.
- All it really takes is just
love 'em, feed 'em, and put
a Band-Aid on their knee.
It's really not
so complicated.
- Oh, put a Band-Aid
on their knee?
- Yeah.
- You forgot about the part
where they defraud you
and run you over
with your own truck.
Life's a bitch, Bob.
Get in line.
- I'm locking you in.
Good day, good night.
My key. Where's my key?
- So you're gonna
steal 8,000 dollars
to pay for camp next summer,
and your parents aren't gonna
ask where you got it?
- Of course they will.
That's why
I'm gonna break it up
into a bunch of
18 dollar checks.
Say it's Bar Mitzvah gifts.
It's called money laundering.
This mission has now gone
from a runaway to a robbery.
No one is getting
kicked out of camp today.
Bob needs this to go away
as much as we do.
So all you guys have to do
is get back to camp tomorrow
morning before parents arrive.
And then I'll steal
the cash box
and be able to pay
for my own camp.
- Look, you're a total bitch
for not telling us
about next summer.
- Agreed. Same page.
I'm a bitch.
- But, you did throw
Bob through a wall,
which was on
the list of things
I need to see before I die.
I think we need to keep
pushing forward.
- Yes! Thank you, Charn.
- Look, good things have been
happening to all of us.
Not just you. Right, Tali?
- I guess that's true.
- Okay. Great.
So, I was thinking
we head west
towards Hanlin's Peak.
Dude,
Hanlin's Peak is like, cliffs.
Gimme that.
Combe's Bay
is way flatter, and--
- That is way too long, Charn.
- It's really not.
- Come on. Let's go.
- You're not touching
that cash, you miserable turd.
Oh, God dammit,
why's he back early?
- Hey, Danny-O!
Thought I wasn't
seeing you 'til morning.
Miss me too much?
- No, I just thought
it'd be less of a hassle
if I sleep here tonight.
You know, in case
the parents come over early.
- Oh, speaking of heading in,
I'd love to come inside
and see how
the big man gets comfy.
- I'm gonna go in here--
- I can light you up a fire,
come inside and leave
right after I light the fire.
- No, it's good, okay?
You should go to
the infirmary. Okay?
- Uh-huh. Night-night.
- Yes. Do not come in here.
At all. Ever.
Thank you.
- Bob?
Ah, so,
I think the problem
was that the MI
stands for miles
and not minutes.
My mistake, sorry.
So we're lost. Cool.
- What? No, we're fine.
We're fine, okay?
- Well, I guess the map
didn't mention
the giant fucking cliff.
Or did it?
Did it?
- No. No it didn't.
- Yeah, this is a dead end.
- Look, I have a plan.
If we go down slowly,
and maybe go to that ridge--
- Great, why don't
you do your plan,
and Tal and I will just
meet you back at the--
- Okay, stop. When did you
start calling her "Tal,"?
- Well, I mean,
that's what you call her.
- What are you gonna do next?
Hook up?
- What if we did?
- Wow. Just...
I can't believe you chose him.
- Okay. Fuck you!
- Charness!
- You wanna write home?
Guys, stop it!
Should we get out
the typewriter?
- Fucker!
- Dear mom and dad. Ding!
Jacob is a psycho
piece of shit
who only cares about
being in charge.
- Ding!
- Enough!
- He won't eat anything
spicier than a green pepper
and he once jerked off
to a picture of his aunt!
- I told you that in private!
- I don't care!
- She wasn't blood related!
And dear Mom and Dad.
Charness is a jealous dick...
- Stop it!
Who faked his nut
allergy for attention.
And he only likes Tali
because he wants to be me!
Guys, stop it!
- Ding, ding, ding,
ding, ding! -
- Get off!
- I know your life sucks
'cause you don't
have any friends.
- I do have friends.
- Yeah, like you have parents.
- Well at least my parents
don't hate me.
- Why are you
always in charge?
You think I'm the one
who follows you?
I came up with
the fucking crush rap.
Your remix ideas are
aggressively unfunny.
I literally have a notebook
full of ideas
that are way better.
Number one,
Obama and Shabbat.
Number two,
Danny if he was Jamaican.
Do you have any?
Come on. Give us an idea.
Give us an original idea.
No? I'll go.
Yoda as Kim Jong Un.
Minion porn.
Taylor Swift trying to juggle.
- Fine. Take the remix.
I don't care.
- Oh, my God,
you are such a fucking liar.
- No I'm not!
- Dude, you ruin any good
relationship in your life.
- Dude! What the fuck?
Give those back!
What are you doing?
- No!
- Now you and all your
friends can go find it.
- Fuck you!
- Tal, let's go.
- Wait. Please, wait,
Tal, please, help me.
- That's all I ever do.
Are you ever once
gonna think about me?
I wanted to be with you so bad
I literally started pretending
we were together.
- Yeah. Except she had to
make you seem way cooler
than you actually are.
She made up
this entire backstory
about how you were
a hot French psycho!
- Shut up!
- Why did you not
tell me about that?
- Because it's humiliating.
- Almost as humiliating
as you hooking up
with my best friend.
- Come on.
We only did that because
we were mad at you.
- Ow.
- I mean...
You know what I mean.
- Yeah.
I wanna go home.
- Where's Udell?
- Your guess is
as good as ours.
For real.
- Get in.
- Udell, can you hear me?
Udell, you there?
Can you hear me?
Whatever you're
running away from,
staying back here
ain't gonna fix it.
You can still
turn this around.
It's not too late. You know?
I built my whole life
around staying at camp.
Sounds dreamy
until you wake up and realize
you got nothing
left to live for.
Bob.
You don't think that
I have a plan?
I am getting that cash.
And tomorrow morning,
before parents arrive,
I will be at the infirmary
with the money in my hand.
Because next summer,
I am going back to camp.
It's a lose-lose for you, Bob.
Either you lose 8,000 dollars,
or you admit
to losing five kids.
Either way, you are done.
- Okay.
Looks like we're gonna
do this the hard way.
One of us is leaving camp
tomorrow for good.
And newsflash,
it's not gonna be me!
You got that Udell?
You ready to pack that
duffel one last time?
Ready to take that last
walk across Foster Field?
Udell?
Udell?
- Let's fucking go.
- Shit!
From Danny's cabin
all the way to the infirmary.
- I got your nose, weasel.
- Excuse me!
- Oh, you must be Leon's
parents. What a pleasure.
Look, I'm sorry,
I have to step out, so I--
- We just wanted to do
a quick comparison
of your camp's
pink-eye protocols
with those of the CDC.
- Okay.
I believe that we will win.
I believe that we will win.
- Here, kitty, kitty.
Mother f--
What, did you forget
where the infirmary was?
- Where are the harnesses? No!
- Udell! Just get down.
I'll get you camp.
You can keep the money!
Udell, please.
- Three, two-- Ah!
- Shit.
- Woo!
Fuck you, Bob!
- Udell! You've gone insane!
- Fastest way across camp!
Come on!
No, no, no!
- Whoa!
Bobby's coming.
- Whoa, Bob!
Slow down there, buddy!
- I got a kid to save,
you prick!
- So, would you like to
head to the infirmary?
- Yeah, sounds good.
- Yeah, come on.
Fuck!
Help! Please! Somebody!
- Let's go!
- Trust! Trust! Somebody!
Trust!
Trust!
- Fall!
- Dangerous! Irresponsible!
Are you fucking insane?
You could've been killed!
Like...
Why are you like this?
Holy...
Okay, sorry, I shouldn't
have said that. Sorry.
Actually, no, I'm not sorry.
You should be sorry.
Now go sit down there. Now.
Sit down there. Don't move.
- Hey. Get your leg up.
This'll probably
sting a little.
That's a good one.
There you go.
- I'm sorry about your car.
- Makes two of us.
- And I'm sorry your wife
left you at the altar
'cause you circumcised
too much of your--
- Appreciate it.
You know, Udell.
You stay at camp long enough,
you start to realize
part of what
makes it all magic
is that it ends.
Jacob.
Let's go to the car.
All of my friends got
hooked up last night
Hi, guys!
Hey! Jacob, I'm so
glad to finally meet you.
- Yeah. Jacob,
you remember Gordon.
- Hey, Jacob!
- Hello.
- Okay!
- Let's get inside. Yeah.
Show me what a body feels
like in my hands
It's hard to remember
I've been looking for a new
god of some kind
Either of you want
a snack? We've got pasta.
- Oh.
- That's... thank you.
- Yeah, I made it myself.
- Wow! Thank you.
- Yeah.
- I just wanted to really
formally apologize.
For everything.
And I'm gonna make it up.
I promise.
I'll, I'll, I'll mow lawns.
I'll become a house cleaner.
Jaylen's really good
with crypto, so I--
- Okay, hey,
Jacob, relax, it's okay.
- It's just...
I know I screwed it up
with like everyone.
All of my friends got
hooked up last night
Now I'm feeling lost too
maybe when the bees come
Maybe when the bees come
- You are the greatest thing
that has ever happened
to both of us.
- That's right.
Yeah, things are different,
but that doesn't mean
they have to be worse.
- But you have to
give it a real try.
- Yeah.
Tell me now
when this went wrong
Tell me now when our
words became empty
It was a cold sentence maybe
I'm a helpless thing
It was a cold sentence
maybe I'm a helpless thing
- Hey.
Mind if I join?
- Magic club's open to all.
Today may just be
lower attendance.
Probably a busy
week for people.
- What's in this one?
- Give it a shake.
You're a natural.
I guess it runs in the family.
Oh, hey Seamus.
Great to see you.
This is Jacob.
He got exploding dice
on the first try.
- Nice to meet you.
So, are you more of
a mind freak or a card shark?
- Oh, no, I think
he's just an observer.
- Well, no, I did actually
have one question.
Do either of you have a trick
where you like
break out of chains?
Like a mental patient.
- I can teach you that one.
No problem.
But you know...
hang on a sec...
I'm actually feeling
a little nauseous.
Oh no, oh, my God.
- Are you okay?
Do you need water? I mean...
And she said
the movie sucked,
but it was good,
like it was so funny too.
- Wait, could you
say that again?
I couldn't hear you.
- Oh, don't worry,
you weren't there.
There was this pinata
and these clowns.
Bonjour, bonjour, bonjour,
bonjour, Hommocks
Middle School.
I am looking for a madame
by the name of Talia Simani.
Sweet Talia...
- Jacob, what are you doing?
- Baby, please.
Don't be a stranger.
It's Jacques.
I've broken out of
the asylum for you!
oh, my God. Wait,
Tali, is this your crazy ex?
- Jacques J'udell, enchant.
oh, my God.
- I... I... Jacques,
I thought I told you.
We broke up!
- I, I just really--
- Dude! Get the hell
out of my girl's face!
Talia is ours.
- It's okay, Courtney,
I've got this.
Sit down, you're
scaring people.
Also, the driver's gonna
be back in a minute.
And she's like
really protective
about strangers
coming on the bus.
He's totally real.
For the record,
I always believed her.
- Thank you for that.
- Yeah. Of course.
What the hell is
going on here?
I leave for five minutes,
and they tell me
some French motherf--
- Hey, uh, buddy,
I hope you don't mind,
I thought you might
like to have
some friends here with you.
Hey!
- Hi.
- Hi.
- Udell. Well, well, well.
Hi, Bob.
- Hey, guys.
- Bob?
- Wow, you look slicker
than a greased watermelon.
- Thank you, Bob.
Kind of surprised
to see you here.
- Well, I'll be honest.
I was kind of surprised
to get the invite.
I'm thinking your dad
thought I was a child.
Speaking of
overgrown children,
where is the little
fungal stump?
- Yeah.
Have you guys heard
from Charn?
- Dana, from the moment
we first met,
I knew the next chapter
of my life had begun.
You fill me up with more joy
than I could possibly imagine.
And I vow to fill
you up even more.
In bed.
- What?
- Sorry. Allergies.
- Okay, um...
All of my life
has been prologue
leading up to this moment,
as we embark
upon this adventure--
What is marriage?
If you asked
a dictionary it would say,
"When two people get married."
But love,
that's a little bit
more complicated.
Not that you guys
need a reminder.
I mean you're both
on marriage number two.
- Ha!
- You do crazy things to
hold onto what you love.
And you do hold on tight
because you're terrified
of what it would be
like if you lost it.
And sometimes you do lose it,
but maybe it's not fully gone.
I hope.
Um...
Here's to finding the one.
Am I a bullfrog
or is hotter than July?
Ju-ly!
- Oh, my God.
- Um... Sorry, this is,
uh, usually when--
- Jakey, baby,
tell it to me fresh.
Well!
- Let's go! Crush rap!
My name's Jacob.
- And my name's Charn.
And there's
a funny little rumor
going 'round the barn.
A couple of love birds,
we don't know who.
The chickens won't--
- Peep!
- The cows won't--
- Dad?
- We asked the goats,
still no luck.
The llama said, "I don't
give a..."
- You got this. Go.
- Oh, Jesus, there's more.
- Remix!
Hello, my name's Barack Obama.
- Wow, he's finally doing it.
- Amen, y'all!
- Woo! Yeah, Charness!
- Hello, vanilla latte.
- I think he's doing
something racist.
- Banana! Minion at Starbucks!
- God, it's just Minions.
It's just Minions!
- You sir, what do
you do for work?
Happy birthday to me!
Check your crotch.
The five of diamonds
everybody.
- Oh, my God!
- Woo! Woo! Woo! Yeah!
- I have a dream!
- That's my boy!
Mark and Dana
hug and kiss!
Kiss! Kiss!
Kiss! Kiss! Kiss! Kiss!
- Hey, yes!
- I really feel like people
didn't get the Minions thing.
- It was perfect.
I totally got it.
That's how a Minion
would act at Starbucks.
- Thank you.
- Seriously, you have to
do that next summer.
- Yeah, well, about that.
I'm not coming back
next summer.
- What?
- My new school does this
mandatory summer session.
- I'm sorry.
- Honestly,
I hate to admit it,
but my new school
is kinda bomb.
My parents said I can't focus,
so now I get all
these accommodations.
Like I can take tests
for as long as I want.
They're such dumbasses.
- Oh, you two whispering
is never good.
- Don't worry, Bob.
Next summer, Fineman
will finally be free of us.
- Well, that makes
three of us.
Danny gave me the boot.
Udell, don't you go
worrying about old Bobby.
- I can't believe we're never
gonna be back at Foster Field.
- Well after spending many
an off-season at camp,
I can tell you boys,
it's not the place that makes
it feels like Fineman.
It's you Dillos running
on the woodchip path
when I tell you to walk.
- Come dance!
- Hey, Bob,
you want to join us?
- Oh, no, you go ahead.
I should play
with the grown-ups.
- Are you sure?
You don't know anybody.
- Go. Scram.
You too.
I pictured a rainbow
You held it in your hands
I had flashes
But you saw the plan
I wandered out in
the world for years
While you just
stayed in your room
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole
of the moon
The whole of the moon
You were there
in the turnstiles
with the wind
at your heels
You stretched for the stars
and you know how it feels
To reach too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole
of the moon
I was grounded
While you filled the skies
I was dumbfounded by truth
You cut through lies
I saw the rain
dirty valley
You saw Brigadoon
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole
of the moon
I spoke about wings
You just flew
I wondered
I guessed I tried
You just knew
I sighed
But you swooned
I saw the crescent
You saw the whole
of the moon
The whole of the moon
The whole of the moon
With a torch in your pocket
and the wind at your heels
You climbed on the ladder
and you know how it feels
To get too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole
of the moon
The whole of the moon
Hey yeah
Unicorns and cannonballs
Palaces and piers
Trumpets and towers
and tenements
Wide oceans full of tears
Flags, rags and ferryboats
Scimitars and scarves
Every precious dream
and vision
Underneath the stars
Yes you climbed
on the ladder
With the wind
in your sails
You came like a comet
blazing your trail
Too high
Too far
Too soon
You saw the whole
of the moon
Oh oh oh did you see
the whole of the moon
I am the youngest of
a family of spiders
I've got a web
of my very own weaving
I know where I belong
and nothing's gonna beat it
So I ain't going home
just because I'm leaving
So let's just
clear the air
I am over here
I'm over there
I am over here
I'm over there
Well the last time
that I got lonely
I didn't even
know your name
Once and again
for the first time
Yeah it's hope
but it ain't the same
I remember everything
you told me
I remember
you walking away
I felt it on the moment
that I met you
And that felt like
a place that I should stay
So let's just
clear the air
I am over here
I'm over there
I am over here
I'm over there
We were around
long before my birthday
They'll be around
to throw flowers at my grave
Me and you got
a history of history
Me and you
two continuous waves
So let us fill the air
We are over here
we're over there