Titfield Thunderbolt, The (1953) Movie Script

(Whistle blows)
(Whistles blow)
(Whistles blow)
(Cock crows)
(Whistle blows)
(Train approaches)
(Whistle blows)
(Dog barks)
(Whistle blows)
Charlie! Here's your death warrant.
Stick it up when you've got the time.
- Good morning, Charlie.
- Good morning, sir.
- Morning.
- Morning, sir.
(Honks horn)
(Honks horn repeatedly)
Here you are, Charlie.
(Crash, clatter)
(Blows whistle)
Right away!
Can't go yet.
The squire's not here.
(Horn honking)
For heaven's sake, Harry!
What am I supposed to do,
hedge hop?
(Chickens squawk)
(Horse whinnies)
(Honks horn)
Dan! Spare a hand here.
Come on, Dan!
(Blows whistle)
Can't wait any longer.
- We're three minutes late.
- Three and a half, to be exact.
- I'm due in court at ten o'clock.
- Just going now, sir.
Can't go yet. Squire's here.
What's the idea of leaving me
behind on market day?
- Four minutes late.
- Church clock says four minutes early.
British Railways run
by Greenwich not Titfield time.
My great-grandfather built this
railway for Titfield not Greenwich.
(Whistle blows)
(Horn honks)
My, my! So they let you
have her on loan, eh?
- We've bought her!
- Railway's had it?
- Closure notice put up this morning.
- At last!
Nah, that's just the beginning.
Five years from now, they'll be
calling this place Pearcetown.
(Whistle blows)
(Doorbell rings)
(Muffled voices)
(Knock on door)
- Yes, Emily?
- The squire and Mr Blakeworth, sir.
Well, well, well! Come in!
- Emily, the ginger wine!
- We're not interrupting the sermon?
No matter. You'll find cigarettes
in the pocket of my cassock.
Sam, we've come to talk
about the railway.
- The railway!
- You haven't heard the news?
- The news?
- They're closing it down.
I cannot believe it. The oldest
surviving branch line in the world.
It's unthinkable.
They cannot possibly close it.
What about
the Canterbury-Whitstable line?
They closed that.
Perhaps there were not men
of sufficient faith in Canterbury.
Sam, we've got to fight this.
It'll be a virtual monopoly for
Pearce and Crump and their buses.
- The end of Titfield as we know it.
- It must never happen.
- Our railway must be kept running.
- But how?
There's no solution
short of buying up the line.
- My dear Mr Blakeworth!
- The railways are all nationalised.
The Transport Act of 1947
only nationalised existing railways.
A new company formed now
wouldn't come under the Act.
(Sam) Well!
There'd be hundreds
of conditions to fulfil.
Get a Light Railway Order,
most won't apply.
How do we get
a Light Railway Order?
By means of a prayer to the Minister
of Transport. It's a legal term.
You'd need an engine crew,
signalmen, platelayers.
The railways are short-handed.
They'll never let anyone go.
Good gracious, boy!
You, whose great-grandfather
built the railway?
What are you thinking of?
We'll run it ourselves!
- Good heavens!
- Yes, we will, Sam!
What a thought!
By heavens, we will!
- I'll drive the engine.
- I'll be the guard.
Oh, good heavens! Where are you
going to get the money from?
- Oh.
- We'll raise it.
We'll organise a raffle,
a jumble sale.
We'll revive the flower show,
have a flag day, a silver collection,
a line of pennies,
put on The Mikado again.
Sam, you've done all that for the
organ fund. How much have you raised?
49, three shillings.
We'll need at least 10,000.
But if we could interest
Mr Valentine...
Mr Valentine?
He's spent 40 years
standing people drinks.
- Why can't he stand us a railway?
- Impossible!
Sam, a railway of our own?
Good heavens!
- And a large gin for me.
- In your hand, Mr Valentine.
Oh! Ladies and gentlemen,
here's to our magnificent generals,
General Gordon
and General Booth.
No, leave it there, my dear.
Time we all had another little drink.
Ah, our good chaplain!
I was just about to invite
the company to take wine with me.
- No, please let me.
- I've already staked my claim, sir.
You must accept defeat
like a gentleman. Mr Weech?
Well, it's very kind of you.
Perhaps a glass of sherry.
Yes. A sherry wine. For you,
Mr Chesterford, the same again?
- I haven't had one yet!
- Oh, well!
Let us not quibble over the lapse
of a few empty hours
since we last stood here together.
Was it not a blend of mild ale
and bitter beer?
- Mild and bitter.
- There.
- Mr Weech, you're looking solemn.
- Mr Weech has had a nasty shock.
- They're closing our railway.
- Oh, my dear padre.
All this time together and not
one word of sympathy from me.
You must think me
an unfeeling old man.
- Not at all.
- But I insist.
We're planning to take it over,
work it ourselves.
Indeed! And why not?
- I've the man for you! Mr Taylor!
- If we can find the capital.
Yes. Mr Taylor!
Mr Taylor! There you are.
Stop dodging about, sir.
You're going to drive an engine
for these ladies and gentlemen.
Oh, no!
Mr Taylor's a railway servant
of long experience.
- 41 years.
- Yes, I know. A platelayer.
I can drive an engine
better than what you can.
At what percent of piston travel
does an engine cut out
- before she starts her run?
- Eh?
- He doesn't even know that.
- First blood to the cloth!
- Come on, Mr Taylor, have at him!
- What's a Samson?
One doesn't need a knowledge
of slang to operate a locomotive.
- Hit for Mr Taylor!
- Get into him, Dan!
- What's a petticoat pipe?
- Come on, Mr Weech!
What's the purpose
of the firebox throat plate?
- When does an engine bark?
- What's a stuffing gland?
- How long's your jay rod?
- How do you free a clogged blower?
- How do you treat a big end brass?
- Answer my questions, man!
Well, you answer mine,
and take your paws off me!
Gentlemen, order, please!
I declare the contest a draw.
They must both drive the engine.
- (Laughter)
- If they ever get the chance.
Mr Valentine, we need 10,000
to float our company.
My dear Mr Chesterford,
what is 10,000 between friends?
- Nothing, we're hoping.
- Money is only a symbol. Come on.
Let's drink to your success.
Miss Hampton, dear, set them up.
- You'll finance us?
- I, dear boy? Charming gesture.
But what right have I to exploit
your enterprise for gain?
- I, a foolish old man?
- You certainly won't gain by it.
I, who already have enough
for my simple needs.
This line has been
losing money for years.
It's bound to go on losing money.
There's an honest man.
Thank you, my dear sir.
But for your timely warning, I might
have made a foolish investment.
Come along, Miss Hampton, dear.
Mr Valentine, what do you do in
the morning before this place opens?
I wait impatient for the day to dawn.
Suppose the day dawned
at 13 minutes to nine.
Mr Chesterford, you're a poet,
a dreamer of beautiful dreams.
There is nothing in law to prevent
a railway company opening a bar
in one of its trains
whenever that train is under way.
Give us your backing and we'll run
a bar on the Titfield-Mallingford line
- every morning and afternoon.
- Sundays excepted.
You... You wouldn't tease
an old man, would you?
Mr Weech, you wouldn't joke
about a sacred subject.
I am assured
it will be quite, quite legal.
You can write your own timetable.
My very dear sir,
you can write your own cheque!
- (Cheering and laughter)
- Set them up, Miss Hampton!
(Horn honks)
- Morning, Tom.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning.
- Morning, sir.
- Morning, Mr Clegg.
- Morning.
Titfield branch line.
British Railways are prepared to sell.
These people are determined
to run it themselves.
That is their intention.
You will be conducting an official
inquiry at Mallingford next Tuesday.
It's going to be tough.
Bound to be a lot of local opposition.
- Amateurs running a railway.
- There is.
You will ascertain whether or not
such opposition is justified.
(Children cheering)
- You know, Sam, this is serious.
- Scandalous! Gross libel!
Yes, but we are amateurs.
(indistinct chatter)
- Come on up, Mr Weech.
- I say, Ben. You are a brick!
- Did the guard see you?
- No, I don't think so.
- Come in, Mr Chesterford.
- Thanks a lot, Joe.
- Driver didn't see you, did he?
- I don't think so.
That's the lot.
- Open her out, Ben. May I?
- Steady, now. Steady.
(Train whistle blows)
(Horn honks)
(Whistle blows)
(Whistle blows)
(Horn honks)
(Whistle blows and horn honks)
Faster, Alec. Faster.
(Whistle blows)
(Horn honks)
(Tyres screech, car honks horn)
It's safer by road!
(Whistles blow)
In view of the very grave dangers
of a privately run railway,
I feel the only solution to
the problem is a privately run bus.
Hear, hear!
(Ruddock) Quiet, please.
All right, so it all boils down
to a question of safety first.
There's no doubting the fact
that the Titfield people as a whole
are somewhat disturbed at the idea
of an amateur-run railway.
I don't know, of course, how many
have...reasons of their own
for opposing it.
I do wish I could be sure
of one impartial view.
I think I can provide that, sir.
As town clerk here,
I am able to keep a close touch
on the pulse of local opinion.
It is my public duty to say
that the opposition does arise
from a genuine doubt
as to whether
these gentlemen
can provide a safe service.
If you decide that they can...
I have recently taken a course
of private tuition as an engine driver.
- I'm learning how to be a guard.
- Where, how and who from?
And who may you be, sir?
The name is Coggett, Mr Coggett.
I'm here to enter a protest
on behalf of the National
Association of Railway Workers.
I see. What is the nature
of your protest, Mr Coggett?
My association would take
a grave view of the proposal
to employ staff in disregard of
the scale of wages for railway workers.
Tell us where we can get some.
We'll use them at full union rates.
My association is not
an employment bureau.
It is concerned only to prevent
the exploitation of cheap labour.
- But we want to be exploited.
- It doesn't matter, brother.
It's what the bosses want
that we're out to stop.
We ARE the bosses.
In our company, there's no quarrel
between capital and labour.
My association will view
any such situation as exploitation.
- (Crowd murmurs)
- Thank you, Mr Coggett.
As an old railwayman myself,
I cannot help sympathising
with those who want to keep
this line in operation.
I see that they're ready
to make every effort
to fit themselves for their duties.
But, in their enthusiasm,
I don't think they realise as clearly
as the rest of the community
what a very big responsibility
it would be.
If I were to grant the order
they've applied for,
I think they might find,
in a few weeks' time,
that they'd taken on more
than they could manage.
I do not feel justified in recommending
that they should be granted...
(Cheering and applause)
You're condemning
our village to death!
Open it up to buses and lorries
and what will it be like in five years?
Our lanes will be concrete roads.
Our houses will have
numbers instead of names.
There'll be traffic lights and zebra
crossings, twice as dangerous.
Go by bus! We're not asking
for a monopoly, like you are.
All we're asking for is the chance
to keep our train running.
Mr Blakeworth, you spoke frankly.
You said people were scared of our
idea. Perhaps you're one of them.
But give us a chance
and we'll prove we can do it.
Just give us this one chance, sir.
It means everything to our village.
- We want to run the railway.
- Bravo! Bravo!
Thank you. I was about to add
that I do not feel justified
in recommending their order
should be made permanent,
until they've had a chance
of proving their capabilities.
I shall recommend
that they'll be granted
a probationary period
of one month.
After which, an inspector of railways
appointed by the Minister
shall report whether or not the efficiency
with which the line is run
justifies the said order
being made permanent.
? For he's a jolly good fellow ?
?For he's a jolly good fellow... ?
Sing while you can, you poor fools.
You won't last a week!
- Morning.
- Morning, sir.
Better than housework, Mrs Davies?
- Splendid, Mrs Stanley! Morning!
- Morning, Mr Weech.
- Good morning, Fred.
- Morning, vicar.
Morning, Mrs Anstey. Hello, Joan!
- Morning.
- Good morning.
(Blows whistle)
Well done, everybody.
Time for evensong.
Right-0, that'll do. Pack it up.
Pack it up.
(Alarm rings)
(Clock chimes)
(Cock crows)
(Birds sing)
Walter, do you know
what time it is?
- Yes, my love! Summer double time.
- Come back!
(Cock crows)
Where's Dan? He should have
been here half an hour ago.
That lazy good-for-nothing?
You didn't ought to mix
with the likes of him.
He ought to have had the fire lit.
Our first run and we shall be late.
My dear Seth! Don't tell me
you've been here all night?
When I do a job, sir,
I like to do it proper.
- A-ha! Good old Seth.
- Morning, Mr Weech.
- Have you seen Dan?
- No, I haven't.
Half a dozen gin, two of whisky
and a firkin of beer. That do you?
For the week, I hope!
Our very first day. We can't fail!
No, girl. No.
Our technique here
is a little different.
Get to Dan's place
as fast as your legs can carry you.
Send him back here at the double.
Tell him it's vital.
(Alarm ringing)
(Alarm muffled)
Are you there, Dan?
Dan! Dan!
Get out of bed this minute!
Get up!
' Aargh! Grr!
All right! Don't go panicking
like an amateur.
- They're coming!
- How many?
Six, and Mr Blakeworth's with them.
- Only another three minutes.
- I know.
(Bell rings)
- You rang, sir?
- Mallingford.
- Season?
- No, no, no. Day return.
I want to see how they get on first.
There you are, sir. Thank you.
A-ha! Well, Mr Blakeworth.
A memorable day, sir!
It will be if this train
departs on time.
The law compels it. Landlord's
in danger of losing his license.
Merciful heaven! We've made it!
(Whistle blows)
(Whistle blows)
Jolly good! Jolly good!
Hello, Mr Weech! Well done!
Hooray! Splendid!
(Brakes screech)
Oh! But it's beautiful!
Quite beautiful!
- Try it for height, Mr Valentine.
- Huh? Ha!
Most comfortable, my dear fellow.
Most comfortable. Congratulations!
Half an inch lower
than The Grasshopper.
Oh, I'm very adaptable.
The usual, please, Miss Hampton, dear!
- Right, take her out!
- (Whistle blows)
(All cheer) Hooray!
Stop it, William. We're the staff!
? All things bright and beautiful ?
?All creatures great and small... ?
(Whistle blows)
? Each little flower that opens ?
? Each little bird that sings
? He made...glowing colours ?
? He made their tiny wings ?
(Whistle blows)
- I don't usually drink at this time.
- You've never had the chance before.
Indeed I have.
I keep a small stock in the house.
At nine o'clock in the morning,
it would never occur to me.
I should hope not, sir.
Drinking alone on unlicensed ground.
I'd hesitate to believe that
of a teetotaller.
- (Glass smashes)
- Good gracious!
- What's happened?
- It's all right.
They're stopping to take on water.
It's a little provoking
not having a supply at the sheds.
Dan! Dan!
Dan, where are you?
- Dan!
- Just coming, Reverend!
- What have you been doing?
- Them that ask no questions...
What's that in your pocket?
I see! On the squire's land, too!
I suppose they were shot Sunday.
Never shot a rabbit on a Sunday,
may I drop down dead.
Trapped, then. What's the difference?
I shall report this.
Turn off, man!
If I'm going to do this job, I don't
let it interfere with my business!
This service will be efficient,
whether you like it or not...
Come back! Come back!
We need you!
All right.
So long as we understand
each other, that's all.
Crossing ahead.
Look out your side.
(Blows whistle)
The line's blocked! Stop!
(Brakes creak)
- Get that off the track!
- What else are we trying to do?
You amateurs should keep the track
in good condition.
- We've a case against you.
- There's nothing wrong with it.
- This is deliberate.
- That's slander. Two cases.
Might have expected this.
How are we running?
On time.
That's what makes it criminal.
- We'll shift her ourselves.
- That's very kind of you, old man.
She's full of bricks!
That's done it.
I'll move her!
- You can't do that!
- Can't I?
- We'll have the law on you!
- Three cases.
- Stop him!
- You're insured, ain't ya?
- Stand clear!
- Go on, Reverend. Let her have it!
Come on, Reverend!
(Crump) Stop him!
Come on, Reverend. Let her have it!
Slam into her! Go on!
I say! Is this a normal hazard
of railway travel?
- We'd better get out of here.
- What? Yes.
Once more and she'll be through!
Hey, you! Hawkins!
Come on, as fast as you can!
Come on, Reverend.
Let him have it! Come on!
Go on, Jim!
Oh! A duel! How very delightful!
Get this off the track
or I'll never speak to you again!
- It's all yours!
- Don't you touch it.
I'm sorry, Mr Pearce.
My young lady doesn't like it.
One moment, Mr Weech,
your opponent is not quite ready!
No, no. Stop!
Hey! I'll do you for that!
Take that!
Right, come on! As fast as you can!
- Come along! Have at him!
- You're backing the wrong team.
That's your engine!
Cost you a packet!
Money is the curse of all modern
sport, sir. Roll on, my beauty!
Come on! Come on!
(Valentine) Come on! Come on!
Take that!
Well done, Sam.
All right, everybody. Back aboard!
Hooray, Reverend!
Come on, all aboard!
Oh, a foul, a foul.
A palpable foul.
(Whistle blows)
All aboard! Quickly!
(Whistle blows)
It was a foul, you know.
Make the cheque out
to the company!
Don't take is so bad, Harry.
You put up a good fight.
(Gunshots on TV)
Oh, trains!
- Hawkins.
- Public bar.
'You had to hire a bunch of redskins
that couldn't stop a two-bit clock.
'You dumb palooka!'
'How was I supposed to know they
were toting guns on that choo-choo?'
'Scram, baby!'
'Let's put the freeze
on these alibis?'
- 'Grab, sister.'
- 'Thank you, handsome.'
Not today, thank you.
Let's not waste time
on recriminations.
- Thank you very much.
- No, no.
Now, how would you like an
opportunity to get your own back?
Carry on.
'Reckon you'd go in a big way
to put the fix on them steam cars?'
'Shoot, bub...!'
'..and as they come down...'
(Train approaching)
- I got it. A pheasant.
- Don't you dare!
I got a pheasant, I tell ya.
I got a pheasant!
I've got him. Beauty, ain't he?
Come along, man.
All right, all right.
Ain't he a beauty, eh'? Ha ha!
You've lost us nearly two minutes.
All right.
(Train approaching)
- You get up there.
- What, me?
Yes. I will operate the chain today.
- Nearly out. Drop the fire.
- Drop the fire?
Lose my honour as a driver?
Well, she'll blow up.
Quickly! All out!
Quickly, everybody.
Quickly, all out.
- What's up?
- No water.
All out, quickly!
Down to the river, everyone!
All out, everybody. Quickly, all out!
(Whistle blows faintly)
Beal's Farm.
Come on!
- Miss Hampton, dear. Manners!
- We're going to blow up.
Wines and spirits first.
Sorry, ma'am. Engine's going up!
(Whistle blows)
She'll go any minute now!
What are you doing there?
- Taking cover.
- Give us a hand!
I didn't pay my fare
to become a beast of burden.
Ah! Right!
- She'll do!
- Hooray!
- She'll do!
- Hooray!
All aboard!
Up you come, Reverend.
Well done, Dan.
Titfield! One can't open a paper
without reading about Titfield.
They're making a go of it,
aren't they?
I'll answer that when I've made
my inspection next Tuesday.
Popularity does not imply efficiency.
With all these visitors
drinking up my quota,
I haven't got enough left
for my regulars.
We might reserve the buffet car
for our local passengers.
I doubt if we have the legal right.
I don't intend asking Mr Blakeworth.
Any more weeks like this last one,
we'll be running at a profit!
Excuse me, sir.
We ARE running at a profit.
This is dreadful! The next thing
we know we shall be nationalised.
(Excited chatter)
(Whistle blows)
Blimey! Need the Royal Scot
to move this lot!
(Whistle blows)
(Clamour of voices)
(Valentine) Excuse me. Pardon.
May I trouble you, sir?
I'm afraid you have my corner.
Your corner?
You think you own the ruddy railway?
Can I give you a hand,
Mr Chesterford?
Don't tell me
you've caught railway fever?
My partner and I are impressed
with the business you're doing.
- I bet you are.
- That inspector is coming tomorrow.
- I'm sure he'll be impressed, too.
- Let's hope so.
That doesn't mean he'll grant you
a permanent license.
We'll see.
He'd be certain to grant it,
were there no longer
any alternative transport.
No buses?
Pearce and I are prepared
to consider a merger.
Let us come in with you, 50-50,
and we'll drop all opposition.
Oh, I see!
- So you've gone bust? Excuse me.
- That's a very libellous statement.
Mr Chesterford...
Look, Crump, we'd sooner see
our train at the bottom of the river.
I guarantee that goes for all of us.
- Well?
- He wouldn't even listen.
- Right, that settles it!
- But the risk?
There's nothing else for it.
Get Hawkins tonight.
(Rings bell)
(Engine starts)
(Steam engine running)
What is it, dear?
- The steam roller.
- Harry Hawkins?
Disgraceful! Keeping that
Hampton girl out till this hour
They haven't spoken for days.
- The inspector's due tomorrow.
- What's that got to do with Hawkins?
He's an enemy of the railway.
You haven't much love for it yourself.
I'm not the sort of man
to condone a crime!
You're not going to ring the police?
Perhaps I have
too much imagination.
Well, then, ring the police, dear.
It's not your job to prevent crime.
In my position, one daren't risk
making a fool of oneself.
(Owl hoots)
(Metallic thuds)
(Steam engine starts)
Hey, stop!
Stop! Hey!
Stop! Stop!
Who's there?
Stop! Hey! You, there!
(Crashing and splintering)
Ooh! Oh!
(Wheels squeaking)
It's a judgement on me.
I've failed in my duty.
Rot, Sam.
You couldn't sleep with her.
In a spiritual sense.
That such a crime could be
committed in my parish.
- Any chance of getting her up?
- It'd take three months to mend her.
We have precisely 12 hours.
Well, it was fun while it lasted.
Wouldn't they give us time
to get those repairs done?
Red tape is strictly non-elastic.
If there's no railway
for the inspector to inspect,
our order is cancelled.
- In other words, we've had it.
- Try to be brave, child.
(Dan sings) ? Drink to me
only with thine eyes ?
? Drink to me ?
? Only with... ?
All aboard!
? Drink to me ?
?Only eyes ?
? Drink to... ?
? Drink to me ?
? My eyes
? Dri-ink to my... ?
- Holding a wake, Mr Taylor?
- A wake all right!
? Drink to me only... ?
A man should never be left
to mourn alone.
(Owl hoots)
(Slurred) Never see her again.
Requiescat in pace.
Gone for ever.
Let's hope she didn't suffer.
- Suffer?
- A swift and merciful end.
Who are we talking about?
My engine.
My old engine.
But, Dan, you haven't got
an engine any more.
There's been an accident.
Did nobody tell you?
I know where I can get an engine
any time I want!
Another engine?
Another engine.
(Valentine sings)
I Harrow may be more clever
I Rugby may make more row
I But we go on for ever
? La di-di-di da da
? All pull together...
Me hat! Me hat!
? La la la la whatever
I Rugby may make more row
I All pull together
? La-la-la la-la la-la ?
The line is now extinct.
(Whistle blows)
(Steam engine runs)
(Train chugging)
(Whistle blows)
Of course!
Of course!
(Phone rings)
Are you there?
Yes. The police?
Mr Blakeworth?
The very man I want. Keep him there.
Keep him there!
- Mr Blakeworth!
- Monstrous! It's an outrage!
- It's so undignified!
- Mr Blakeworth.
(Both speak at once)
- We must have her!
- You must know that I'm innocent.
She'll still take steam,
and with your influence...
Your influence could get me
out of here.
- Get you out of where?
- Don't you understand?
- They've put me under arrest.
- You can't do that.
Mr Blakeworth's the town clerk
We need him urgently.
We want the Titfield Thunderbolt.
- Out of the museum?
- Yes, yes. She'll run.
She's as good as ever she was.
I'll stake my living on it.
This gentleman's accused
of wrecking your train, sir.
Nonsense, man! Speak to the mayor.
He can give permission.
- You will make him, won't you?
- Tell them to withdraw this charge
and I promise you all the help
in my power.
Of course, of course!
Charge withdrawn.
Quickly! We've only got six hours.
- Just as I said.
- She's on the timetable.
- Turntable!
- Just as I said.
I let the pigeon off
but she never came back.
(Steam hissing)
- (Cranking)
- 'Ere! What's that?
(Both) Oi!
Jump on. They've rumbled us.
Jump on, jump on, jump on.
Come on, jump on.
Jump on, jump on, jump on.
(Slurred) Never missed a signal yet.
(Horn honking)
(Whistle blows)
(Tyres screech)
- Left for Titfield!
- Short cut.
(Whistle blows)
(Banging and clattering)
(Valentine sings drunkenly)
I Your body between your knees I
Careful, boys.
Wait a minute! Careful, now. Slowly.
- Don't bump her.
- Hold it a minute. Hold it.
Come on.
Ease up on the port side.
- Sam!
- What is it?
We've got the engine.
We haven't got a passenger train.
- Oh, dear.
- Well, may I make a suggestion?
Couldn't Dan help you there?
(Both) Dan?
Yes, yes! Dan!
Bravo, Mr Blakeworth.
Bravo, indeed!
(Drunken, raucous shouting)
(Valentine) I La la la la la la
? Lalala ?
Burning the candle at both ends?
Time you good people were in bed.
- Two prisoners.
- What's the charge?
Drunk and disorderly,
taking away a locomotive,
driving under the influence
of alcohol,
driving an unlicensed vehicle,
careless driving,
ignoring pedestrian crossing,
failing to observe traffic sign,
causing ashes and/or sparks
to be emitted on highway,
driving the wrong side of road,
failing to report accident,
Malicious damage,
excessive noise, defective tyres...
- I never done it. What about bail?
- No. No bail.
I'm in no condition
to face my darling wife.
But what about me?
I haven't got a wife.
- You haven't got a home, either.
- Mm?
Don't worry, Sam.
I'm sure Seth can rig up something.
He's never done a bad job yet.
There's a bishop
looking for you, sir.
- You on the carpet?
- I've been expecting it.
But today of all days!
The Bishop of Welchester's here.
Emily, tell him...
- The Bishop of where?
- Welchester.
- Hello, Sam.
- Olly Matthews!
- My dear fellow! Come on up.
- I say!
Oh, Sam, what a little beauty!
You lucky devil.
What an experience!
- You've seen her before.
- In the museum, but to stand on her!
I did once mount the North Star,
Gooch's two-two-two
with a double-crank driving axle,
but this, ooh!
- She won't couple.
- Huh?
This type of coupling
didn't come in till 30 years later.
- 33, to be precise.
- 1875? You're quite right, Olly.
The inspector'll never know
the difference.
There's only a weak
hand brake on this engine.
And if you use the brake in the van,
you'll throw the weight
of the whole train on that coupling.
If you give me the time, I'll fix up
something to tow the Queen Mary.
We haven't even got a fireman.
Our fireman's got himself
into a bit of trouble.
If by any chance
he doesn't turn up...
- Sam, you don't mean that I...?
- Keep calm, Olly.
He sinned in a very good cause.
They will surely be lenient.
Good morning.
Tell me, is it a pleasant prison?
I've known a few speak well of it.
There's always some who moan.
Human nature, my dear sir.
No pleasing some people. Thank you.
Ah, well, today's the day. No more
opposition for you, my beauty.
It'll be interesting to see how she
runs with a full load of passengers.
(Hum of conversation)
(Horn honking)
Where are they all going?
They can't have heard
about the accident.
(Tyres screech)
'Ere, wait a minute. Why don't
you look where you're going?
- Alec.
- All right, there, Bernie.
- There's no harm done.
- It's the police.
What the...? Wait a minute!
Hey, you!
Hey, stop! Stop!
I didn't do it. It wasn't us.
- Shut up!
- I didn't do it, I tell you.
What didn't you do?
They're coming.
The inspector's coming.
My clients wish me to point out
that they are temporarily unable
to utilise their best rolling stock.
They trust you will see fit
to, er, make certain allowances.
As a lawyer, I should've thought
you would appreciate
that the law
makes no allowances.
It recognises only fact.
- Good morning.
- Good morning.
Where would you like to sit,
Mr Clegg?
Back, facing or sideways?
Thank you.
I will stand for the moment.
If I may observe the departure...
You may take the train out.
- This is it, Olly.
- Oh, Sam.
One's first sermon all over again!
(Crowd cheers)
12.03 and one half.
(Man) Hey, stop! Hey, stop!
Wait! Stop!
(Brakes screech)
- What the devil's this?
- We've had an accident.
These men are in custody. I must
ask you to convey us to Mallingford.
- This is a private trip.
- Makes no difference, sir.
'Ere, just a minute!
This is my home!
You can't go in without a warrant.
This train doesn't leave without us.
Well, it's a lovely day.
I'm quite prepared to walk.
- I'm not.
- We're wasting precious time.
I know we've been high-handed.
We wanted to rent it from you...
How much?
Might we say...10?
Ooh, I'll make it 15.
Your bid.
You can keep everything
we put into it.
Ha! Come on!
Cor. Ha!
- Six and a half minutes late
- Nil desperandum, Olly.
Ha! We're off.
Surely, we're entitled to be timed
as from now?
- 12.09.
- Official time of departure, 12.03.
(Whistle blows)
(Steam hisses)
(Crowd cheering)
Good luck to you!
- You'll be there on time.
- Good luck, vicar.
- Oh, Sam!
- Chin up, Olly!
Another 50 yards then it's downhill
as far as the water crane.
- Thank you, no.
- What now, Mr Clegg?
- Emergency test.
- After all that delay? Turn it up!
(Rope creaks)
We're over the top!
Notice the difference?
Now, we'll show him! Ha ha ha!
- She won't.
- Then put her in reverse.
It's jammed.
Test satisfactory.
You may proceed.
(Grinding and clunking)
Shh! Shh! Quiet.
And this is what they call
adequate transport!
Might just as well
get out and push.
- Running very smoothly.
- Hm. Yes.
It's no use, Sam.
I'm not the man I was.
- Right place...to stop.
- Ah!
Here, quick!
There's our coupling.
Harry! Harry!
Harry, lend us your driving chain.
- What?
- How much do you want?
Ground my roller?
Not on your life.
Hey! Let them things alone!
Hey! Come out of it!
- Leave it alone!
- Harry, I'll do anything you want.
I'll marry you tomorrow.
You will?
Here, give me that.
Here she comes.
Right, let her go.
For heaven's sake, keep it quiet.
- Rather a sharp pull-up.
- This is where we take on water.
Five more minutes here.
Better pack up, old man.
- They've lost their chance now.
- Don't listen to him.
I'm not in the habit of being
influenced by hearsay, madam.
That'll do. Let's go.
? Why are we waiting??
We're off.
- We'll never make it up.
- No, it's the end, Olly.
But we'll go down with flying colours.
Bravely spoken.
(Steam hisses)
(Steam hisses)
- Count your blessings, Sam.
- This has made up for everything.
- Well?
- We've made up three and a half.
Only nine minutes late!
Surely he must allow some latitude.
Not this fellow.
Time of run,
29 and one half minutes.
We'd be on time
if you hadn't pulled that cord.
Average speed,
24.25 miles per hour.
If I may hazard a comment,
you were particularly fortunate.
All other requirements
having been satisfactory,
it would have been a pity
if your timing had let you down.
Had you reached an average speed
of 25 miles an hour,
it would have exceeded the limits
imposed on the light railway.
- Be more careful next time.
- Sam's done it!
(Dan) Hooray! You made it!
Hooray! Good old Reverend!
You made it!
Good old Reverend!
Grand work, sir.
We, who are about to die...
They made it.
(Whistle toots)
(Whistle blows)
- (Cacophony of whistles)
- They made it.