To Grandmother's House We Go (1992) Movie Script
Don't forget your scarf.
Okay.
-Hi, Mr. Chin.
-Hi, Keith.
Want an apple?
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
-Wake up, Mommy!
-Wake up, Mommy!
-Oh, girls.
-Wake up, Mommy!
Girls, let Mommy sleep just a little longer.
-Okay, go back to sleep.
-Thank you.
Are you asleep yet?
Yes. I'm sound asleep.
Let Mommy sleep just until
the alarm goes off.
Get her!
Oh, no, girls.
You have to go to work.
-You have to.
-I don't want to go to work.
-You have to.
-What about breakfast?
-Give me it!
-No, it's mine!
-Give me it! They're mine!
-Give me it.
What's going on?
Who started this? You or you?
-She did.
-She did.
-Give me it!
-I got it first.
Whose pants are they?
-Mine.
-Mine.
Remember, up and down.
Up and down. Got it?
Up and down, like that.
-Hey, it's my turn.
-Hey, I'm not finished.
Just a minute, now.
You already got a turn.
Okay, glamour time. Close your eyes.
There you go.
-I want more.
-Okay, one more shot.
-Hey, I want some more.
-One more.
-Mommy, close your eyes.
-They're closed.
Not too much. Okay, that's good.
That's enough, girls.
That's good. That's good.
Girls, no candy for breakfast. You can
have that when you get back from school.
You can have oatmeal. Yummy.
You're gonna love it.
Okay.
Yuck.
You'll be sorry. You'll be sorry.
You'll be sorry.
I told you you would be sorry.
Mommy!
-Mommy!
-Julie, stop it.
Oh, gosh, look at this mess.
Honey, why did you do that?
Girls, come on.
-No. This is for Christmas morning.
-Mom.
Come on, time to go to school.
Let's get up. Up, up, up.
Come on. Time to go to school.
Okay, hold still. Almost ready.
Julie, leave Sarah's hat alone.
I want this one.
It was on my head. Give it back.
Ladies, these hats are exactly the same.
She always gets the good hat.
That's because I'm a good girl.
-Girls, don't start.
-Sorry, Mommy. I love you.
-I love you bigger.
-No way.
-Yes, way.
-Look, ladies...
...I love you the same. You love me
the same. End of discussion.
Now, I'm gonna be late for work.
You're gonna be late
for kindergarten. Let's go.
-I get the front seat.
-No way.
-Yes, way!
-No way!
-Yes, way!
-No way!
You're both in the back!
Oh, man. For crying out loud.
Hold it right there, partner.
Just take a little shortcut.
Much obliged. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Gotta love that Roy Rogers.
Hey, Rhonda, how's the hottest
mini-mart manager going?
Look, it's Eddie the delivery boy.
-Would you like a Sludgee with that?
-No, thanks.
You're making a big mistake there, pal.
Their Sludgees are the finest.
Never too much crushed ice,
never too much sludge.
He's trying to be cute. Keep trying, Eddie.
Thank you, Bill. In other news,
The FPD bandits struck again....
-I wanna hear that.
-The robbery took place in daylight...
... the driver was rendered unconscious,
and the bandits drove away...
... with his truck full
of our Christmas presents.
-More bad news.
-Authorities are close to making an arrest.
But then again, that's
what they always say.
Eddie, you better be careful.
See, Rhonda? You really do care about me.
Why don't you come to my house tonight.
You can cook me some dinner.
See, this is why I can never say anything
nice to you. You immediately hit on me.
Oh, come on. Why won't you
go out with me, Rhonda?
I mean, we got a lot in common.
Name one thing.
We both wear nametags.
See? Rhonda, Eddie.
Eddie, Rhonda.
Kind of sings.
Oh, Eddie.
How do I say this?
You're not really my type.
Rhonda...
...you don't know a thing about me.
Well, let's see.
Mini doughnuts, beef jerky, jellybeans....
I know you're not a health nut.
Well, hey, I take a Flintstone vitamin
every single morning.
Wrestle-Mundo magazine.
So I'm guessing you're not
exactly an intellectual.
Well, you'd be guessing wrong...
...because the crossword puzzle in there
happens to be extremely challenging.
Oh, and five Win-O-Lotto tickets...
...which tells me you throw away
your paycheck on the lottery.
This week's big jackpot: $1.3 million.
Eddie, every week, you tell me
how much you're gonna win.
And every week, you're a loser.
It'll happen, because I have a system.
What system?
Well, somebody has to win.
Might as well be me.
Somebody might steal your system.
"Then he stuck his head out
of the fireplace flue...
...where the little Who stockings
all hung in a row.
These stockings, he grinned,
are the first things to go.
Then he slithered and slunk
with a smile most unpleasant...
...around the whole room,
and he took every present.
Popguns and bicycles,
roller skates, drums...
...checkerboards, tricycles,
popcorn and plums."
Is the Grinch gonna keep
the Christmas presents?
No. We saw this on TV.
He gives the presents back at the end.
Well, Sarah, I guess you pretty much took
the surprise out of that surprise ending.
Oh, but wait.
There is a surprise ending.
"Sarah and Julie go to bed
on time tonight."
Says so right here.
Mommy, you know we can't read.
Then you're just gonna have to trust me
on this. Let's go. Up you go.
-Time for bed.
-No bed!
-No bed! No bed!
-Yes, bed. Yes, bed.
-Yes, bed.
-No bed!
Okay, that's enough.
Mommy's gotta work,
and you've got school...
...so we're all going to sleep.
I've got the same bedtime
as a 5 year old. This is pathetic.
I forgot to brush my bottom teeth.
I have to help her with the toothpaste.
Hey, girls, come back!
Hey!
Freeze it, babes!
March your twin behinds
back into your twin beds.
You've been to the bathroom,
you've brushed all your teeth...
...you've had your drink of water,
you've had your story...
...you've been tucked in,
you tried to make a break for it.
You've done everything but stay
in bed with your eyes closed.
Now, scoot.
I'm gonna sleep in Julie's bed.
Okay, okay.
It's not fair. There's two of you,
there ought to be two of me.
Why don't we get a daddy?
Well, I wish I could just run down
to Daddies "R" Us and pick one up...
...but it's just not that easy.
You could talk to Santa Claus.
Right.
I'll tell Santa to bring me a husband.
Or at least a boyfriend.
Listen, I go on as many dates
as the two of you.
So....
So there.
I love you.
And I love you.
-I love you.
-I love you bigger.
Good night, ladies.
Go to sleep now.
Why do you always have to win?
Because I'm a winner.
Frosty looks sick.
We gotta make his head bigger.
Mommy, we need more snow.
The weatherman said that's all
we're gonna get. Sorry, sweetie.
No snow for Christmas? What a rip-off.
Mister, you killed our snowman!
I don't see any snowman.
That's because you killed him.
Right. He doesn't look too good.
But it's 65 degrees out here.
He would've been a puddle by noon.
We're telling.
No, please don't tell,
because I'll get in trouble.
That's the idea.
-Mommy! Mommy!
-Mommy! Mommy!
What's wrong?
-That man killed Frosty.
-That man killed Frosty.
Rhonda, you're a mommy?
I got a package for you.
I'll be right down.
When my mom gets here,
you are gonna get it.
I can't believe it. Sludgee-babe's a mom.
A real mom who could get
you in big trouble.
-Hello, Eddie.
-Make him go to his room.
If you send me to my room...
...then you won't get your package.
Sounds like a present.
Girls, it's from Edgemont...
...from your Great-Grandma Mimi.
Let's see what's inside.
"Dear Sarah and Julie...
...I love you lots and miss you bunches.
Come visit me for Christmas.
We're having a big carnival.
Love, Grandma Mimi."
-Can we go?
-Yeah, Mommy, let's go.
Come on, Mom, we gotta go.
There's a carnival and everything.
Girls, I'm sorry, but we're not
going anywhere on Christmas.
Why not?
Because I said so.
Don't you hate it when your mommy
answers like that?
Eddie, nobody asked.
-I hope it's the Princess Penny doll.
-Girls...
-...can't you wait till Christmas morning?
-No.
Gee whiz.
They're like piranhas, aren't they?
Sign right here.
You know, Rhonda, you never mentioned
your little roommates.
-You got a problem with kids?
-No. No, kids are great...
...after they're all grown up.
Look what we got.
Oh, girls, aren't those pretty?
I bet Grandma Mimi made them.
No money.
Well, I gotta roll.
Kids, huh? Boy.
See you, Rhonda.
Eddie, this is the first time
you didn't hit on me.
-I gotta go.
-Come on, girls.
Stacey will watch you while I'm at work.
Girls.
That was for killing Frosty.
Napkins in your laps.
Tell Stacey thank you for the brownies.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Now, don't make a mess.
May I help you, Barney?
Don't even think about it.
Look, Matthew's up.
Hi, baby.
-Look.
-Oh, Stace, he's gotten so big.
Hey.
Hey, are you feeling okay?
You don't look so hot.
Nobody looks good in these things.
Come on, Rhonda.
I mean, we tell each other everything.
What's up?
Oh, Stace.
I couldn't tell the girls
I have to work Christmas Day.
Maybe I'll take them with me.
What's more fun than spending Christmas
at a convenience store?
We can hang tinsel
on the Sludgee machine.
-Barney!
-Oh, no.
-What now? Girls!
-Barney!
Come back with my brownie.
-Stop that dog! He's getting slobber on it.
-Girls. Look at this mess.
Barney ate my brownie!
Mine's in his mouth.
Do you have any more?
No, that was the last one.
-Get him!
-Get him!
Girls, don't break anything.
-He's getting away!
-Grab his tail.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't worry about it. You go to work.
-I'll clean that up.
-No, that's okay. I got it.
I'll bring you back some milk too.
This just never stops.
It's, "Girls, eat your dinner.
Girls, get in the bath, get out of the bath.
Girls, go to sleep.
I mean it, girls, go to sleep."
Every time I turn around, Sarah and Julie
are into some kind of trouble.
You know, you need a vacation.
I would love a vacation.
Sometimes, Sarah and Julie
are such a handful.
All I want for Christmas is just
a couple of days by myself.
No girls, no Sludgees, no nothing.
Julie, come here.
-You'll be okay.
-We made Mommy cry.
That's because we're a handful.
Bye, girls. I'm going to work.
Please stay out of trouble,
at least until I get back.
Here are my keys, Stace,
in case they need more toys.
-Okay.
-Bye, Rhonda.
-Bye, Mommy.
-I gotta feed the baby, okay?
Mommy wants a vacation from us.
We could go to Grandma Mimi's house
for Christmas.
Good idea. Let's do it.
How do we get to Grandma's house?
Do I have to think of everything?
Now, come on.
Don't forget some clean underwear.
Switch.
I'll leave Mommy's presents here.
Let's go, Julie.
Grandma, here we come.
On your mark, get set, we're out of here.
See you later.
Where are you going?
-Grandma lives this way.
-No, Grandma lives this way.
-You'll be sorry.
-No, you'll be sorry.
No, you'll be sorry.
Okay, big shot,
I'll call you from Grandma's.
Wait! Wait, Sarah. Wait!
Wait, Sarah.
Wait, Sarah. Wait.
Maybe next time you'll listen.
So come on, Julie.
We're not allowed to cross the street.
That's why I said:
We're cruising to Grandma's.
I hate going uphill.
-Keep pedaling. Don't give up.
-Oh, no.
-Are we there yet?
-I don't think so.
That's our next-door neighbor.
Hi, Mr. Johnson.
We're back where we started.
This is not working.
That is very lucky.
Let's go.
Don't let the driver see you.
Go in the back door.
-Try to look really small.
-I am really small.
Girls?
Sarah?
Julie?
Girls, if you're playing hide-and-go-seek,
I give up.
Please be somewhere.
-Stop 'N' Grab.
-You're gonna kill me.
I can't find the girls.
I looked everywhere for them.
You're gonna kill me.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I'm sure they're just outside playing.
Look, I'll be home as soon as I can.
Let's just stay calm.
Okay.
Everybody out!
Right now! We're closed.
Get out. Come on. Come on, let's go.
Let's go. Come on, little boy, let's go.
-What did we do?
-Come on.
Come on, I've got a crisis. Out. Now.
-Hey, I said, get out.
-I'm still looking.
-Come on.
-It's a 24-hour store.
-You're not supposed to close.
-Not today. Come on.
And now, for today's weather report.
It's going to be partly cloudy today,
with a high of 65. Or maybe not.
No snow flurries today.
-Back to you, Bill.
-My name isn't Bill.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Just practicing.
You never know when they
may need a new weather girl.
Does this bus go to Grandma's house?
I don't know. Where does Grandma live?
She lives in Edgemont.
That's three hours away.
This bus just goes downtown...
...then it goes uptown,
then back downtown.
-Get the idea?
-We're on the wrong bus.
Hope you get to Grandma's.
Merry Christmas, girls.
Merry Christmas, lady.
A very Merry Christmas, lady.
I beat you again.
-You got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-You are getting on my nerves.
-You are getting on my nerves.
-Don't start that again.
-You started it.
They packed their bags. They took
their money. Why would they run away?
We better call the police.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, did you just drop a chicken bone
in my case?
There's still some meat on there.
Well, okay.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, it's Princess Penny!
We gotta go in there.
We gotta go to Grandma's.
But it's Princess Penny.
I know, but we gotta go.
But it's Princess Penny.
It was Princess Penny.
-Come on, Sarah.
-Give it up, Julie.
-Oh, I miss those things.
-You don't know how lucky you are.
-That's the man who killed Frosty.
-Come with me.
He brought us presents,
so he goes to Grandma's.
We could get a ride in his truck.
But he doesn't like us.
So we better be sneaky.
We can hide behind that big dog.
We're having a very lucky day.
Go, before he sees us. Hurry.
Those FPD bandits give you
any trouble?
Are you kidding?
Shoot, they won't come near me.
Well, you have a Merry Christmas,
young fella.
You too.
This will never work.
It is gonna work.
How do you know it's gonna work?
How do you know it's not gonna work?
You're impossible.
He's making my ears hurt.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
You should've gone
before we left the house.
I didn't have to go then,
but I have to go now.
Mister!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Where the hell did you come from?
You said the H-word.
I gotta go to the bathroom,
and this is no joke.
Right. You kids sit down right here.
I'll find you a bathroom.
In the meantime, sing a cowboy song.
It takes your mind off your problems.
This is not working.
Just hold on. I'll get you
to a bathroom as soon as I can.
Doesn't this thing go any faster?
We're here. We're here.
Just hold your horses...
...and everything else.
All these turns are not helping.
Hang on. I'll get you down.
Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Okay. Okay.
Just keep saying, "l can hold it."
I can hold it. I can hold it. I can hold it.
Come on, Sarah, you can hold it.
I can hold it!
You heard her! Where's your bathroom?
All the way in the back.
-Hurry. Hurry.
-I'm hurrying. I'm hurrying. I know.
-Which way?
-Back that way.
-Hurry. Hurry.
-Just hang in there. Hang in there.
-Keep going, man.
-Okay, which way now?
Back here.
-Which one?
-The one with the dress.
-I was afraid of that.
-Keep moving. I'll get the door.
-Hey, buddy.
-It's just a drop-off. Go, kid, go.
I'm going. I'm going.
Oh, sorry.
You should be.
I think I'll go now.
I told her to go before we left...
...but she never listens.
She thinks she knows everything.
No kidding.
It's true.
I feel much better. Thanks, mister.
Don't mention it. I'm sure you'd
have done the same for me.
So let me get this straight:
You packed your bags,
rode your bike around the block...
...you hopped the bus,
looked at the Princess Penny dolls...
...then snuck in the back
of my truck...
...so I'd drive you to your
great-grandma's house in Edgemont.
You forgot we put chicken legs in a hat.
Oh, right.
I'm guessing your mom
doesn't know about this.
No. We're giving her a vacation.
She ought to be going nuts now...
...wondering where the hell
you two went.
Oh, yeah, the H-word.
-I'm sorry.
-Okay.
You ready to order?
I'll have peanut butter and jelly.
Peanut butter on top,
smooth, but not crunchy...
...and cut off all the crusts, please.
I'll have the same, but extra jelly, please.
I'll take the same thing.
You can leave my crusts on, please.
Gotcha.
Okay.
I've got all the information
I need. Definitely.
You've gotta find them, Detective Gremp.
Ma'am, I promise you, I'll find your
daughters as soon as possible. Absolutely.
That's the telephone.
-I know.
-Just doing my job.
-Hello?
-Hey, Rhonda.
This is Eddie Popko,
your favorite delivery boy.
Listen, I got your girls right here.
They're fine.
Oh, thank God.
Hang on. The girls have been found.
What did I tell you? Said I'd find them
as soon as possible. Absolutely.
-Thanks for all your help.
-I'll see myself out. Positively.
What are you doing with my girls?
This wasn't my idea. They snuck
into the back of my truck.
Tell me where you are. I'll get them.
I gotta finish up all my deliveries first,
then I'll swing by your house.
Oh, and Rhonda, by the way,
I do get 5 bucks an hour to babysit.
Just get back here, Eddie.
Yeah-- Well, you have
a nice day too, now.
It's all yours.
Okay, you guys ready to go?
Promise to take us to Grandma's?
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Look at you two slobs. Did you get
any of that sandwich in your mouth?
How come you don't like kids?
Well, you wanna know why?
I'll tell you why.
Because you're little.
You don't know nothing, you haven't done
nothing, and you got nothing to say.
Okay, smart guys. If you could do
anything in the world, what would you do?
-I would finger-paint.
-That is very fun.
Okay, well, I think I just made my point.
All right, coats on. Let's ride.
-Waitress! He forgot to pay the bill.
-I'll be right there.
We don't need an announcement.
I was gonna pay. I got the money here.
Just making sure.
-Yeah. All right, let's go.
-To Grandma's, right?
Right.
Wait for us.
I told you twinheads to stay in the truck.
We want to help.
Well, you can't help.
You're not a professional.
It took me two weeks of training
to earn this shoulder patch.
What do you do?
Well, l--
I give the customers their package,
and they sign for it.
You got a patch for that?
What do you want? Listen,
I'm trying to take a nap.
-Yes, sir. Package from FPD.
-Yeah, okay.
-Sign right here, please.
-Sure.
-Merry Christmas.
-Happy holidays.
Would you look at that?
Santa's little helpers,
helping out their dad.
Well, I think that calls for a little tip.
For you...
...and you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Here's one for you too, Dad.
-Well, thank you, sir.
Merry Christmas to you.
First tip I ever got on this crappy job.
I guess you could say Santa's little helpers
are Dad's little helpers today.
Thank you. So hard to find
a good babysitter.
Merry Christmas, now.
Yeah. Come on, girls, let's go.
-Sign right here, please.
-Aren't you cute?
Okay. Where? Here?
Looking good, girls.
This is for you.
This is for you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, girls. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
-lce cream! Ice cream!
-lce cream! Ice cream!
We all scream for ice cream.
That's a good one.
-You never heard that one before?
-No.
That's because I just made it up.
All right.
-So, what kind of ice cream do you want?
-I want this one. No, this one. No.
-I want this one. Yeah. No that one.
-I want this one. No, that one.
No, that one.
-I know!
-I know!
-That one. This one.
-That one. No. That one. Yeah.
-No, I want this one.
-No, I want this one.
Just give them each a chocolate sundae
while I play Win-O-Lotto.
-Coming right up.
-I wanna play.
Me too.
Well, you've certainly been
good luck so far.
Help me pick my numbers.
When's your birthday?
-June 13, 1987.
-June 13, 1987.
But I came out first, so I'm older.
By one minute.
But I'm still older.
Okay. All right. 6, 13, 1 9, 8 and 7.
Sounds like a winner.
You know, I'm due to win this.
No, really. I have a system.
-Okay.
-Girls, feels like a winner.
-Can I hold it?
-Can I hold it?
All right, wait a minute.
I know where this is going. Okay.
You're the oldest,
you can keep it in your purse.
For the first half of the trip, and you're
gonna keep it for the second half.
Here's your sundaes.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Hey, she gots more whipped cream.
Hey, you got more nuts.
There. Now you're even.
That was very unpolite.
Hit it, girls.
You kids can keep your Guns and your
Roses. I'll take Roy Rogers any day.
A guy that can ride a horse and play the
guitar at the same time, now, that's talent.
Hey, look, there's Mommy's store.
Yeah, it is.
You're not taking us to Grandma's.
-I'm not?
-You're taking us home.
You kids may as well learn this now.
Grownups will say anything
to get kids to cooperate.
You take us to Grandma's right now.
This is no joke.
Well, I told your mom
I'm bringing you home, and that's no joke.
Go back there and get your suitcases.
I'll meet you around back.
-Grinch.
-What did you call me?
I called you a grinch.
Oh, okay. Well, just checking.
-Boy, I'm getting hungry.
-After we work out, we're gonna get...
-...a nice, big pizza.
-Oh, boy. Extra cheese?
And pepperoni.
-lsn't it a lovely evening for a walk?
-Yes.
-Watch it, joggers coming through.
-Sir, you dropped your fanny pack.
-Those things come loose all the time.
-Thank you very much.
-I love it when you get physical, Shirl.
-Not now, Harv. Get in the truck.
-Where's Eddie?
-I don't know.
Who are they?
I don't know.
You're the one who knows everything.
I hope they're going to Grandma's.
You lost my girls?
Rhonda, I'm really sorry. I lost my truck too.
It had to be those FPD bandits.
Eddie! I'm calling the police.
Tell them they look like your mom and dad
out for a walk. But when you turn your back:
Mom's all over you like a ninja turtle.
Okay, Harv, let's check out the loot.
-Hello.
-Hi.
Shirley, when did FPD
start delivering kids?
Right after you had your lobotomy, Harv.
What are you rug rats doing in here?
We're trying to get to Grandma's.
Who ships their kids to Grandma's?
Don't they gotta be in a box?
Stop thinking. You're not good at it.
I'll handle this.
I know how to talk to these little droolers.
Hi there. My name is Shirley...
...and this is my husband, Harvey.
What are your little names?
My little name is Sarah.
My little name is Julie.
Are these shrimps making fun of me?
I'm not sure. I think so.
All right, I'm through
with this child-psychology junk.
Was that guy
driving the truck your daddy?
No. He was taking us home.
We don't wanna go home.
Why not?
Mommy said we're a handful.
We're giving her a vacation.
And that's why you wanna get
to your granny's.
Well, aren't you two sweet
to give your mom a break like that?
-Excuse us one minute.
-Nice meeting you guys.
See you later, guys.
Harv, this is the best truck
we ever had, Harvey.
Those munchkins
are twin sacks of money.
-You're thinking about us being kidnappers?
-No! No, I'm talking about us being heroes.
When we return those kids,
we are going to deserve a big, fat reward.
We'll get money, and we'll be heroes?
Boy, that beats a stick in the eye.
-Which way is Edgemont?
-Edgemont? Is that where your granny lives?
Well, that is just where we're headed.
You kids want a ride?
Yes, we do.
Excuse me. I gotta go talk to my sister.
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Take your time.
What is it?
We can't go with them.
What do you wanna do,
walk to Grandma's?
Remember Mom's rules?
Never get in a car with strangers.
Oh, yeah. But remember
Mom's other rule?
Never going outside after dark?
Oh, yeah.
-It's dark.
-It's very dark.
Why did I ever listen to you?
Because I'm the smart one.
Okay, smart one, what do we do now?
I'm smart, but I'm not a genius.
Okay, let's go.
Come on, we'll give you a ride
in our motor home.
-Your home has a motor?
-Yeah.
Well, we like to get away
every now and then.
"Get away every now and then."
Get it, Harv?
Oh, "get away." Like a "getaway."
That's a good one.
-I don't get it.
-Me neither.
Well, this is it. Home sweet home.
This is awesome.
Why do you have
all these Christmas presents?
-Well--
-Tell them, Harv.
Why, that's simple.
Go ahead, take it, Shirl.
What?
Because...
...we live in one of Santa's
mobile workshops.
That's it, a mobile workshop.
We are just a couple of big elves.
-Right, Harv?
-Big elves.
That's right. Elves is what we are.
You know Santa Claus?
Old Saint Nick?
Me, Harv and the Nick-ster are good buds.
Are you kidding? Great buddies.
We were in the army together.
Are you making this up?
Would we lie to you?
Maybe. Grownups will say anything
to make kids cooperate.
Well, we are definitely elves.
Who do you think taught Rudolph
how to fly?
-You know Rudolph?
-What's he really like?
Rudy? He's my favorite.
Oh, what a reindeer.
Just as sweet as he always was.
Those TV specials haven't
changed him one bit.
Not a bit.
Are we getting Princess Penny dolls
for Christmas?
Oh, no, no. Not allowed to tell.
Kind of an elf rule.
But I wouldn't worry too much about it.
It sounds like a yes to me.
Okay, let me see if I got this.
The woman who knocked you senseless...
...she's about 5'2", 110 pounds?
She might have been 5'3".
Ma'am, have you got a recent photo
of your children?
Oh, yeah.
This was Christmas,
but it was a year ago.
Here's the beach.
That one might be a little blurry.
This is one of them in the car.
You can't see Sarah's face in that one.
This was two years ago.
Oh, here's a good one.
This was two weeks ago.
This is a picture of us at the zoo.
That's Sarah. That's Julie.
That's a monkey.
I knew that, ma'am. I'm a detective.
The girls both sleep with stuffed-animal
monkeys. Their names are King and Kong.
Shouldn't you be writing this down?
King and Kong. I got it all right here.
Speaking of stockings,
some lottery player...
...could be a bit richer if their
wish comes true.
-Here 's June with the numbers.
-Here come the winning numbers...
...for tomorrow 's Christmas Eve
Win-O-Lotto.
You could spin for a jackpot
of $ 1.3 million...
...if your numbers are:
6, 13, 19...
...8 and 7.
Once again, these numbers are:
6, 13, 19, 8 and 7.
Doggone it. All these tickets,
I didn ' t hit one lousy number.
You are unbelievable.
My kids are missing,
and you're worried about a lottery.
I'm sorry. It's just a dumb habit.
-Remember I told you about my system?
-I don't care.
Why don't you just get out of here.
Okay. All right. Well, I'm going. I'm sorry.
Ma'am, I'm sorry about your children.
And I'm sorry about him.
But as far as we know, the FPD bandits,
they're not kidnappers.
But I'm sure everything's
gonna work out. Definitely.
Call me the second you hear anything.
Absolutely.
Wow! Boy, this place is great.
See, Harvey, I told you.
You're so right, Julie. Hey, Shirl!
How come we never came in here before?
Gee, I don't know, Harv.
Would you come on and finish your pizza?
I'll be right there.
I'm gonna go down the slide one more time.
Help! Somebody help me. Somebody.
I need an immediate APB
on two missing girls:
Julie and Sarah Thompson.
Excuse me. Can I catch a lift home?
As you know, I've lost my truck.
Get in the back.
And buckle up.
Thanks for caring, sir.
This is Gremp again.
On the Thompson twins...
...they got strawberry-blond hair.
Yeah. Blue eyes.
Height: 3'5". Weight: 35 pounds apiece.
Date of birth: 6-13-1987.
They like monkeys.
-What was that birth date again, sir?
-6-13-1987.
-Stop the car!
-What?
-This is where I live. Thanks a lot.
-You needed me to take you a block?
I always wanted to ride in a real police car.
Now, get to work. We gotta find those kids.
I gotta find those kids.
Gotta find those kids.
1.3 million reasons I gotta find those kids.
I knew my system worked.
Rhonda! Rhonda!
-Meet me at the window.
-What do you want?
Meet me over here.
Rhonda, meet me at the door.
I'm coming up.
I'm here. Open up.
What? What?
-Rhonda.
-What?
I have to get some water.
You ran all the way back here
for a glass of water?
Okay, I can talk now.
Rhonda, I was a jerk and an idiot
and a moron.
I know all that.
Okay, but what you don't know is,
I wanna help find your girls.
Since when?
Since I was just thinking about all the fun
that I'd had with the girls.
How we went for ice cream,
and we bought a lottery ticket...
...and it's a winner.
Wouldn't you know it?
That ticket must be in one of their purses.
You greedy little worm.
-Hello?
-Hi. Rhonda Thompson?
-Yes?
-Rhonda, it was the craziest thing.
I found your girls sitting in the back
of an FPD truck.
You found my girls?
They found the girls?
How about those little purses?
-Are they okay?
-You kidding? They're playing Whack-a-mole.
Hey, girls, say hi to your mom.
-Hi, Mom!
-We got enough tickets for yo-yos.
Can't we get the paddleball?
Next time, Harv.
Rhonda. Rhonda, just out of curiosity...
...is there a reward involved here?
Reward?
I was hoping it might be $10,000?
$10,000?
You don't want a reward,
you want ransom.
-We'll get the money.
-Eddie.
Tell that guy it's a deal.
I'll meet you at the rink at Edgemont...
...at 3:00. Wear a red hat
so I know how to find you.
And don't tell the police about this,
or I just might get lost.
All right, no police.
Just take care of my girls.
They're happy as clams.
Oh, and speaking of clams...
...I would like my reward in cash.
See you tomorrow.
Wow! I broke the record!
Shirley, I got the best score today!
Harv, we're on a roll.
-I should call Detective Gremp.
-The woman said no police.
I know a way to get my hands
on the 10 grand.
But you gotta trust me.
-You better come through for me, Eddie.
-Hey, have I ever not come through for you?
Except for that losing-your-kids thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Here's me at my high school reunion.
I didn't graduate, so I had to sneak in.
Here's me and Shirley
on our very first date.
Our parole officer fixed us up.
Oh, here's a good one of you, Shirley.
I look okay.
Those were taken after our second date.
We went dancing,
then we tried to knock over that store.
You tried to knock a store over?
No, we didn't try to " knock it over,"
knock it over.
-We were holding it up.
-Why, was it falling down?
Not "holding it up," holding it up.
Okay, let's give the think tank a rest.
Time to grab some shuteye.
Into bed, you two.
Okay, bedtime.
-ln bed.
-Hey, chop-chop, you guys.
There we are. Now, the bathroom's here.
Refrigerator's full if you get hungry.
-Good night, Sarah. Good night, Julie.
-Good night, Harv. Good night, Shirley.
-Good night, girls.
-Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
That was sweet, Harv.
My dad always used to say that.
We really had bedbugs,
so it's not like he was trying to be sweet.
Well, we got work to do.
-No bedtime story?
-What do you expect?
We're sleeping on a table.
Couldn't you just eat those kids up?
Hey, let's rob a toy store so they'll have
something to play with when they get up.
No. Too risky.
I'll let them play with the VCR, teach them
to pry the serial numbers off. Kids love that.
Honey, how come we never had kids?
Because we're criminals, sweetheart.
That's just our job.
And I'd make a great dad.
You'd be a terrific mom.
Oh, yeah,
we're a regular Ozzie and Harriet.
Okay, this one is clean
and priced to move.
-Stop wiggling.
-Stop breathing on me.
-Give me that.
-Give me this.
-No, you give me this.
-I'm gonna tell on you.
No, I'm gonna tell on you.
I wish I was in my own bed.
Me too. I miss Mommy.
I miss Mommy more than you.
I don't think so.
I hope she's having a good vacation.
So do l.
-Good night, Julie.
-Good night, Sarah.
And behind door number two...
...prizes and merchandise
worth over $10,000.
I don't know what you did...
...but I got a bad feeling about it.
Don't feel bad. We're gonna raise a ransom
the way the FPD bandits would.
We're gonna open these packages,
find the good stuff, and hit the pawnshops.
Eddie, this isn't right.
-Those are other people's Christmas presents.
-Rhonda, do you realize how happy...
...these people would feel if they knew
by giving up one present...
...they'd be helping a mother
be reunited with her daughters?
That's what this season's all about.
It's giving.
You are so full of it.
I know.
But I'm desperate.
I'm gonna list every present we open.
We're gonna make it up to these people.
I was just about to suggest that.
It's like we share the same brain.
Okay, come on. Let's get to work.
-Yeah.
-CD.
Another fruitcake. Who eats these things?
-Are you sure this is gonna work?
-Of course it's gonna work.
-Just let me do the talking.
-We're in big trouble.
You got a bad attitude.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Through the white and drifted snow
Over the river and through the woods
Oh, how the wind does blow
It stings your toes and bites your nose
As over the ground we go
Come on, Shirley, sing with us.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
We'll have lots of money
And me and my honey
Will move to Hawaii, and we'll be rich
We'll never have to work another day
And we'll be very happy
Finally happy
Papayas and lots of sand
And fun and water--
-That's not how you sing it, Shirley.
-No.
I am an elf. I wrote this song.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
-Four and a quarter. Give me 400.
-I say three.
-Give me $400.
-No, I say three.
-You give me three?
-No, I say two.
-You said three.
-No, I said two.
All right, $200.
We're still 12 dollars short.
Alrighty.
Now we're only 2 dollars short.
Great.
This is ransom, not bus fare.
We don't need exact change.
Do you want a powdered doughnut?
Never mind. I'm out of doughnuts.
Got some powder left.
Okay. How about a Flintstone vitamin?
I think I already ate all the Dinos,
but I do have some Barney Rubbles.
Pass.
Okay. Listen, Rhonda...
...everything's gonna be okay,
because we're gonna get your girls back.
We have to.
I need a red hat.
A red hat?
Well, you came to the right place.
See, I call this my little
cowboy hall of fame.
And this is my
"salute to Roy Rogers" corner.
This hat was worn by Dale Evans when
Dale, Roy and Trigger were grand marshals...
...for the '77 Rose Parade.
By the way, that was the best Rose Parade
they ever had too.
There you go, ma'am.
Say, you look mighty fine.
What are you,
some kind of cowboy wannabe?
I'm a cowboy gonna-be.
See, Rhonda, when I spin that wheel
and I win the big jackpot...
...I'm going to buy a big ranch
in Montana:
The Lazy E.
-E stands for Eddie.
-Figured that.
Well, here, take a seat right here.
Let me explain something to you.
Rhonda, this city...
...is nothing but a big, concrete ant farm.
You're losing me.
And I'm just a delivery ant trudging along
with a fruitcake in my mandibles.
You lost me.
Okay, just forget about that ant thing,
all right?
The point is, when I look out that window,
what do I see?
Big skies, fresh air,
purple mountain majesties?
No, Rhonda, I see this.
Look, there. You lucked out.
It's feet-picking day.
Hey, Earl.
Come on, let's get my girls back.
Eddie, I'm losing my mind.
Yeah, about six feet tall.
Blue eye.
Is that them?
Yeah, that's them.
-Where now?
-Turn left up here.
We're early. Sure you don't wanna hear
some more Roy Rogers?
No, thank you.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Merry Christmas.
Don 't forget to be on line
for the pony ride...
...and the puppet show.
Don 't get shut out, kiddies.
Come on, little girls and boys....
Do you see the girls?
Now, just relax, all right?
You're with Eddie Popko.
Everything's gonna work out just fine.
Smooth move, Eddie.
I'm sorry, officer. It's my fault.
Lucky it was just a tiny little ding. Actually
adds a bit of character, don't you think?
Well, it is Christmas Eve.
I guess I don't have to shoot you.
But I might if you
don't laugh at my jokes.
You got me there.
Okay, you kids have fun.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas to you.
You have a nice day.
That was close.
Last thing we need are cops.
You know that fax you sent out?
Well, I think I found your FPD bandits.
Keep an eye on them till I get there.
On my way.
Will do. Over and out.
I live for this stuff.
Don't you guys know any instrumentals?
Hope these bandits aren't late.
I gotta be back at 6 to spin that wheel.
What if they can't find us
with all these red hats around?
I can take care of that.
Just hold the money.
All right, everybody. Now, listen up!
There's no red hats on the ice! Okay.
Thank you. Thank you. The rules are
to protect everybody, remember that.
Thank you. Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
You should set an example for your kids.
Thank you. Thank you.
Is that everybody? Wait a minute,
you're not gonna sneak by me.
-I ought to....
-Hey!
Remember, you can pick
your hats up here...
-...in the snowman when you're finished.
-Hey, what about that red hat?
The only red hats allowed are
red cowboy hats.
I think you're okay, ma'am. All right.
Now, nothing can go wrong, okay?
Everything already went wrong.
What kind of mother makes her girls
run away from home?
They weren't running away.
They were simply just giving you
a little vacation.
-You don't know that.
-I do, because the girls told me.
You're too hard on yourself.
You're a good mom.
And it's gotta be really rough
raising two kids all alone.
Heck, I can barely take care of me.
How did things get so messed up?
I had my life all figured out
until my husband took off.
Now, he's the one who blew it.
He lost you.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
It's working.
Good.
Come on, let's skate.
Police business. Where's the carnival?
-Right up that street.
-Thanks. Get out of the way.
Oh, sure, put up a stop sign anywhere.
All right. All right, now, step on the gas.
Let's go.
I thought we were going to Grandma's.
She lives right down the street.
Now, don't bust a balloon.
I just gotta run a little errand
at the ice-skating rink.
Harv, why don't you take the kids
on a pony ride.
Sarah, Julie...
...would you like to go on a pony ride?
No. We would like to go to Grandma's.
Now they're making fun of me, right?
Right.
Come on. Come on, we'll go on the ponies.
I can smell them from here.
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma!
Kids.... Kids....
Kids, will you stop that please?
We're not going to Grandma's.
-We're not going to Grandma's?
-No.
We're gonna ride the nice horsy.
Hey, we get on this real nice horsy.
This is Buttercup.
Isn't he a pretty horsy?
Harvey is a liar.
-Harvey is a liar! Harvey is a liar!
-Harvey is a liar! Harvey is a liar!
All right. Okay, all right. I'm a liar.
But it's not my fault.
This was Shirley's idea.
If you don't take us,
I'm gonna tell on you.
Yeah, who you gonna tell?
Your boss. Santa Claus.
Now, as long as we're getting everything
out in the open here...
...I'm not really an elf.
Is Shirley an elf?
No. Shirley's not an elf either.
This is unbelievable.
It's after 3. Where are they?
-Miss! Miss! I love your red hat.
-That's her.
-We'll be right there.
-lf she drops anything, don't pick it up.
-I've gotta get my skates off.
-Take your time.
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-You can stop waving.
-We're not waving back.
They're just having fun.
You are a liar!
He is not an elf.
Elf, huh?
Like none of you have trouble
with your kids.
How do we get to Grandma's?
Not on Buttercup.
We need help.
Santa can help.
Where did the kids go?
Sarah? Julie!
Buttercup! Where did they go?
How would I know?
This is not a real sleigh.
That's okay. There's no real snow,
so Santa doesn't need a real sleigh.
He also doesn't need new skis
or a season pass he paid 600 bucks for.
Why are you so cranky?
You need a nap.
You're telling me?
What can Santa do for you?
Fly us in the sky to Grandma's.
And bring us Princess Penny.
How about a picture with Santa instead?
Only 4 bucks.
No. We need a ride.
And Princess Penny.
Okay. Somebody want
to get their kids here?
There's nobody here to get us.
You two are here alone?
I'll get help. You stay here.
-Where are my girls?
-They're fine. Don't have a cow.
I got their things right here.
-It's their stuff, I see the purses.
-ls that the reward money?
Ten grand in cash.
Now, real slow, lady. I give you the money,
you give me the purses. On three.
That money is for my girls.
-Of course it is.
-Hey, where are those girls, anyway?
Coming right up.
Here's the ticket.
We have just enough time to get back.
-ls that the reward money?
-It's all here.
-We gotta give it back.
-No, we don't.
-Yes, we do.
-Have you lost your mind?
-No, pumpkin, I lost the kids.
-What?
-You lost my girls?
-I couldn't help it.
I don't know what happened. One minute,
they were on the ponies and happy.
The next minute, they just disappeared.
I think they were upset
because I told them we weren't elves.
You told them we weren't elves?
What is the matter with you?
-lt slipped out.
-Lunatic. Because there's holes up here!
-You're Mr. Pinocchio. A wooden head!
-lt was dumb. You are not helping.
-We gotta find my girls.
-Right. I gotta be back by 6.
That money is all you care about, isn't it?
You've got your ticket. Here's your hat. Go!
-Julie! Sarah!
-Come on, Shirl, we gotta help.
When is it gonna sink in?
We're the bad guys.
I keep forgetting.
Sarah! Julie!
Hey, hey, there's our money.
Hey, girls, it's us, your buddies,
Harvey and Shirley.
Oh, no, not them again.
-Fly, Rudolph, fly.
-Go to Grandma's house.
-Hey.
-Watch it.
Come on, Harv.
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!
-Merry Christmas.
-Hey, Sarah! Julie!
Wait! Sarah! Julie! Grab that thing! Stop!
-Hey, stop those girls!
-Julie! Sarah!
My girls! Somebody, help!
-I'm on my way.
-Hurry, Eddie! Hurry!
-I'm on my way.
-Girls.
Stop! Eddie, come on!
Come on, Trigger. Let's go.
All right. Come on, fella,
follow that sleigh.
Wait. No. No more circles.
You're free! You're free!
You don't have to do
these kiddie rides anymore.
Thataway, boy. You're gonna be a hero.
Come on!
-Hurry, Eddie!
-Take the low road.
Cut them off at the pass.
I always wanted to cut someone off
at the pass.
These reindeer are fast.
They have to be. They go around
the whole world in one night.
We're moving now.
I hope you know which way we're going.
-Go, Rudolph. Go, Prancer.
-That's Blitzen.
-How do you know it's Blitzen?
-How do you know it's not?
Come on, we gotta catch them. Come on.
Girls, hold on! I'm on my way!
-Hang on, girls, I'm coming!
-We're hanging.
I'm on my way! I'm coming!
-You can slow down now.
-I don't think they're listening.
-What's in the road?
-Okay, Rudolph, you can fly now.
What does that sign say?
-What do I look like, a first-grader?
-Duck, girls! Duck!
Oh, my goodness.
They're not real reindeer.
Rudolph is just a horse with a red nose.
-Stop!
-We would like to get off now!
I'm on my way! I'm coming!
I'm right on you. Hang on!
Go! Go! He's on Buttercup.
-Hurry, Buttercup! Hurry, Eddie!
-I've got you, kids.
-Jump! Good one. Don't let go.
-Thanks.
Don't fall off.
Hi, girls.
Remember me? We had ice cream.
Hold on. I'll be right back.
Where do you think you're going?
Hold steady, boys. I'm coming on.
You're falling off the horse.
I know that.
I thought you were a cowboy.
Stop those horses!
Whoa, horsy!
My girls!
Come on, Eddie!
Whoa, guys! Ease up! Ease up!
-Yes! All right!
-Way to go! Way to go!
-Ride them, cowboy!
-Way to go, Eddie!
-That was fun.
-Can we do it again?
No, we can't.
We're a little close to the edge here.
Let's move it on back, boys.
Move it on back. All right.
Thataway. Move it right on back.
Take a little ride up to the carnival.
Keep moving it on back.
Right back there was fine.
Obviously, you know where you're going,
so you lead the way. I'll hang on.
Where are you going?
Well, I don't know.
They're the ones driving.
Oh, okay. All right.
All right, slow it down here, boys.
This looks good to me. Park at any time.
You know,
there's a good spot right there.
Wait a second. That was a good spot.
Stop being-- We're running of road, guys.
Stop it. Okay.
Gee whiz.
You gotta admit, kids,
that was one hell of a ride.
Oh, right, right, the H-word. Okay.
Well, come on down for me.
You two scared me half to death.
Can I help you folks?
Grandma Mimi!
-Julie! Sarah!
-Grandma!
Oh, my goodness, what a surprise.
What are you doing here?
We came to visit you.
Well, I'll be. You did make it
to Grandma's.
Piece of cake.
Oh, come inside. I'll give you some
of Grandma's special cocoa.
Come on.
-Where are they?
-Mommy!
-Rhonda.
-Hi, Grandma.
-Oh, girls.
-Merry Christmas, sweetie.
Merry Christmas.
Thank God you're all right.
Did we make you cry again?
No, sweetheart. I'm crying
because I'm so happy to see you.
Why did you run away?
You said we were a handful.
Oh, honey. Mommy was just upset.
Sometimes people say things
they don't mean when they're upset.
But I mean this:
You girls are the most important people
in my life.
We are?
Yes, you are.
It gets a little crazy because it's just
the three of us.
But if we stick together and be a team,
we can make it through anything.
-We'll never be a handful again.
-Never, ever again.
I love you both...
...more than anything in this world.
-I love you.
-I love you bigger.
Julie, we're a team.
Sorry. It's a tie.
Come here.
I miss your hugs.
I love you.
This is so sweet.
My great-grandchildren.
Let's go, girls.
Get your cocoa before it gets cold.
Eddie, thank you so much.
You were wonderful.
Well, maybe I was a little wonderful.
What about your Win-O-Lotto?
Well, I guess I kind of missed it.
I mean, who knows if I would have landed
on the jackpot anyway.
Even if I did, what's $1.3 million?
I mean, after taxes, that's only 900,000.
Rhonda, the important thing is
we got your girls back.
Eddie, thank you.
-That's them, hugging.
-Definitely.
Hey, Gremp, what are you doing here?
I'm here to arrest the FPD bandits.
-Great.
-Good. Don't let them get away.
I won't. You're both under arrest.
Thanks for the ride, sheriff.
Next time, buckle up.
Ma'am, your daughters will remain
with their great-grandmother...
...until their mother is released
from custody.
We're not the real FPD bandits.
We needed the money for ransom.
-They kidnapped my girls.
-We were gonna use my lotto money...
...to buy the stuff we pawned
and deliver it tonight.
I think not.
We got a positive lD on the two of you
selling stolen merchandise. Definitely.
We even got an lD
on that vehicle. Positively.
Plus, I caught you with the money
from the pawnshop, without question.
So quit your whining. Period.
Get in the car.
Mommy, where are you going?
Mommy has to go with the nice policeman
and straighten out a misunderstanding.
Can we go with you?
I don't think so, honey.
But it's Christmas Eve.
She's right. It's Christmas Eve.
Wipe that nice-guy look off.
Let's get out of here.
-You guys, back seat.
-It's Christmas Eve, honeybunch.
That's the eve before Christmas.
-I gotta help.
-Harvey, get back here.
-It's Christmas Eve.
-You wanna spend it in prison?
-No.
-And buckle up.
But it's Christmas Eve.
Officer!
-Officer, you've got the wrong people.
-Officer, don't listen to him. He's not well.
Come on, it's time for your medication.
Don't want to miss pudding at the home.
Come on.
-What?
-Those are the kidnappers!
-They're the FPD bandits.
-And they're not Santa's elf.
It's all true, officer...
...even the elf part.
If you want proof, look at our motor home.
It's full of stolen goods.
Cuff us.
Feel free to use these. Definitely.
I knew it was you two all along.
-Are you mad at me, honeybunch?
-A little.
But I'll have three to five years
to get over it.
When I get out, I promise you,
I'll make you proud.
I'll be the best criminal you ever saw.
I'll be mean. I'll be low-down.
I'll be vicious.
I'll be a snake. I'll be rotten.
Just like you, honey.
That's a beautiful dream, Harv.
I love you.
You two, in here. Let's go.
And you two...
...you can expect some community service
for your shenanigans.
Are you sure you can't make it
in time to spin?
There's no way. I'd have to catch
every light and drive 100 miles an hour.
Hold it. Gremp.
-What?
-He has to be in town by 6. Can you help?
Do I look like that nice a guy to you?
I hope not.
If it wasn't for us,
you'd have never caught the bandits.
-Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
-I'll take those two in for you.
-'Tis the season to be jolly.
-Peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.
-Christmas Eve.
-Christmas Eve.
-Christmas Eve! Christmas Eve!
-Christmas Eve! Christmas Eve!
All right, all right! Shut up!
I know it's Christmas Eve.
Big deal!
You two, out of here and into that car.
The four of you, in here.
I love you, Gremp!
-Let's go, let's go.
-Get in the car, girls.
Tonight's jackpot is worth....
$1.3 million on:
-Win-O-Lotto!
-Win-O-Lotto!
What a drag. I got the siren going,
and there's no one on the street.
Okay, everybody, it's time for....
Win and spin.
And that means it's time
to spin the wheel, Ted.
-Here we go.
-All right!
-Win and spin!
-You heard her.
-Win and spin!
-Keep saying it.
-Win and spin! Win and spin!
-Here comes the ball.
Keep saying it.
You're still saying it.
And here it goes. The ball's gonna land.
Five hundred dollars!
Five hundred. You can get some
lovely frozen food with that.
Spin the wheel. You heard her.
-Win and spin!
-She might get it.
And it's gonna land on....
Oh, my goodness.
Fifty thousand dollars!
Yes. Yes. Careful,
don't get makeup on my tux.
Fifty grand. Yes. Calm down.
Oh, careful, your husband's
in the audience.
-We made it.
-Everybody, get out. Come on. Let's go.
-Let's get going.
-Merry Christmas, Gremp.
Yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas to you.
And good luck.
Definitely.
I hope we're not too late.
-Our last player tonight....
-Come on, we got to get in there.
It might be too late.
My name is Eddie Popko. I got
a winning ticket here. Nice seeing you. Bye!
Okay, we gotta hurry. The show's almost
over. Come on, girls, down here.
Sir, I'm Eddie Popko.
This is the winning ticket.
I'll do the big spin.
I gotta buy a ranch in Montana.
-Let us through.
-I can't let you in. Have a seat.
-The show's almost over.
-Wait a second-- I'll buy you lunch.
I'll buy you dinner. I'll buy you a car.
Let me through that door.
-Come back here.
-Tell the man you got a ticket. Run!
That's our show. Thank you for joining us
on this special Christmas Eve edition of....
-Win-O-Lotto.
-Wait, I got a ticket.
-Oh, what have we here?
-We got a winner.
Check it out.
What do you know? You are so cute.
-lt is a winner.
-It's my ticket! I'm the winner!
Well, hey, come on down.
We're trying. The man said,
"Come on down."
We're almost out of time.
Give the wheel a spin.
Okay, Steve. By the way,
I love your show, and I never miss it.
Oh, thanks. Neither do l.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Wait. No, I'm not.
I'd like my two good-luck charms
to spin this one for me.
And whatever I win...
...I'm splitting between these girls
and their beautiful mother.
-Go for it.
-Okay.
One...
...two...
...three!
-Come on! Let's go!
-Hope it lands soon. We're going into news.
Bring me the ranch. Bring me-- Come on.
-Come on. Come on.
-Come on. Come on.
Come on. Jackpot. Come on!
-Come on. Come on.
-It's still going.
Jackpot. Come on.
Jackpot!
Mommy, you're missing all the fun.
No, I'm not, sweetheart.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
Stay tuned for the news,
and thanks for watching again.
All right, we bought everybody on my list
back their same gift.
Hey, you know, we got two extras here.
Oh, they're for Sarah and Julie.
Open them up.
-Princess Penny!
-Princess Penny!
-Mommy, look.
-Look!
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome too.
-We got a lot of deliveries to make.
-Then it's back to Grandma's for Christmas.
-We know how to get there.
-This time, let's go all together.
-Good idea.
-All right.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.
-Happy New Year.
Mommy in first.
Here's one.
-Here's one little elf.
-Here's another elf.
Got them.
-This is so much fun.
-Yeah, this is fun.
-We get to stay up all night like Santa.
-We'll see.
Hit it, girls.
Everybody!
That's not how you sing it.
Okay.
-Hi, Mr. Chin.
-Hi, Keith.
Want an apple?
Thanks.
Merry Christmas.
-Wake up, Mommy!
-Wake up, Mommy!
-Oh, girls.
-Wake up, Mommy!
Girls, let Mommy sleep just a little longer.
-Okay, go back to sleep.
-Thank you.
Are you asleep yet?
Yes. I'm sound asleep.
Let Mommy sleep just until
the alarm goes off.
Get her!
Oh, no, girls.
You have to go to work.
-You have to.
-I don't want to go to work.
-You have to.
-What about breakfast?
-Give me it!
-No, it's mine!
-Give me it! They're mine!
-Give me it.
What's going on?
Who started this? You or you?
-She did.
-She did.
-Give me it!
-I got it first.
Whose pants are they?
-Mine.
-Mine.
Remember, up and down.
Up and down. Got it?
Up and down, like that.
-Hey, it's my turn.
-Hey, I'm not finished.
Just a minute, now.
You already got a turn.
Okay, glamour time. Close your eyes.
There you go.
-I want more.
-Okay, one more shot.
-Hey, I want some more.
-One more.
-Mommy, close your eyes.
-They're closed.
Not too much. Okay, that's good.
That's enough, girls.
That's good. That's good.
Girls, no candy for breakfast. You can
have that when you get back from school.
You can have oatmeal. Yummy.
You're gonna love it.
Okay.
Yuck.
You'll be sorry. You'll be sorry.
You'll be sorry.
I told you you would be sorry.
Mommy!
-Mommy!
-Julie, stop it.
Oh, gosh, look at this mess.
Honey, why did you do that?
Girls, come on.
-No. This is for Christmas morning.
-Mom.
Come on, time to go to school.
Let's get up. Up, up, up.
Come on. Time to go to school.
Okay, hold still. Almost ready.
Julie, leave Sarah's hat alone.
I want this one.
It was on my head. Give it back.
Ladies, these hats are exactly the same.
She always gets the good hat.
That's because I'm a good girl.
-Girls, don't start.
-Sorry, Mommy. I love you.
-I love you bigger.
-No way.
-Yes, way.
-Look, ladies...
...I love you the same. You love me
the same. End of discussion.
Now, I'm gonna be late for work.
You're gonna be late
for kindergarten. Let's go.
-I get the front seat.
-No way.
-Yes, way!
-No way!
-Yes, way!
-No way!
You're both in the back!
Oh, man. For crying out loud.
Hold it right there, partner.
Just take a little shortcut.
Much obliged. Thank you very much.
Thank you. Gotta love that Roy Rogers.
Hey, Rhonda, how's the hottest
mini-mart manager going?
Look, it's Eddie the delivery boy.
-Would you like a Sludgee with that?
-No, thanks.
You're making a big mistake there, pal.
Their Sludgees are the finest.
Never too much crushed ice,
never too much sludge.
He's trying to be cute. Keep trying, Eddie.
Thank you, Bill. In other news,
The FPD bandits struck again....
-I wanna hear that.
-The robbery took place in daylight...
... the driver was rendered unconscious,
and the bandits drove away...
... with his truck full
of our Christmas presents.
-More bad news.
-Authorities are close to making an arrest.
But then again, that's
what they always say.
Eddie, you better be careful.
See, Rhonda? You really do care about me.
Why don't you come to my house tonight.
You can cook me some dinner.
See, this is why I can never say anything
nice to you. You immediately hit on me.
Oh, come on. Why won't you
go out with me, Rhonda?
I mean, we got a lot in common.
Name one thing.
We both wear nametags.
See? Rhonda, Eddie.
Eddie, Rhonda.
Kind of sings.
Oh, Eddie.
How do I say this?
You're not really my type.
Rhonda...
...you don't know a thing about me.
Well, let's see.
Mini doughnuts, beef jerky, jellybeans....
I know you're not a health nut.
Well, hey, I take a Flintstone vitamin
every single morning.
Wrestle-Mundo magazine.
So I'm guessing you're not
exactly an intellectual.
Well, you'd be guessing wrong...
...because the crossword puzzle in there
happens to be extremely challenging.
Oh, and five Win-O-Lotto tickets...
...which tells me you throw away
your paycheck on the lottery.
This week's big jackpot: $1.3 million.
Eddie, every week, you tell me
how much you're gonna win.
And every week, you're a loser.
It'll happen, because I have a system.
What system?
Well, somebody has to win.
Might as well be me.
Somebody might steal your system.
"Then he stuck his head out
of the fireplace flue...
...where the little Who stockings
all hung in a row.
These stockings, he grinned,
are the first things to go.
Then he slithered and slunk
with a smile most unpleasant...
...around the whole room,
and he took every present.
Popguns and bicycles,
roller skates, drums...
...checkerboards, tricycles,
popcorn and plums."
Is the Grinch gonna keep
the Christmas presents?
No. We saw this on TV.
He gives the presents back at the end.
Well, Sarah, I guess you pretty much took
the surprise out of that surprise ending.
Oh, but wait.
There is a surprise ending.
"Sarah and Julie go to bed
on time tonight."
Says so right here.
Mommy, you know we can't read.
Then you're just gonna have to trust me
on this. Let's go. Up you go.
-Time for bed.
-No bed!
-No bed! No bed!
-Yes, bed. Yes, bed.
-Yes, bed.
-No bed!
Okay, that's enough.
Mommy's gotta work,
and you've got school...
...so we're all going to sleep.
I've got the same bedtime
as a 5 year old. This is pathetic.
I forgot to brush my bottom teeth.
I have to help her with the toothpaste.
Hey, girls, come back!
Hey!
Freeze it, babes!
March your twin behinds
back into your twin beds.
You've been to the bathroom,
you've brushed all your teeth...
...you've had your drink of water,
you've had your story...
...you've been tucked in,
you tried to make a break for it.
You've done everything but stay
in bed with your eyes closed.
Now, scoot.
I'm gonna sleep in Julie's bed.
Okay, okay.
It's not fair. There's two of you,
there ought to be two of me.
Why don't we get a daddy?
Well, I wish I could just run down
to Daddies "R" Us and pick one up...
...but it's just not that easy.
You could talk to Santa Claus.
Right.
I'll tell Santa to bring me a husband.
Or at least a boyfriend.
Listen, I go on as many dates
as the two of you.
So....
So there.
I love you.
And I love you.
-I love you.
-I love you bigger.
Good night, ladies.
Go to sleep now.
Why do you always have to win?
Because I'm a winner.
Frosty looks sick.
We gotta make his head bigger.
Mommy, we need more snow.
The weatherman said that's all
we're gonna get. Sorry, sweetie.
No snow for Christmas? What a rip-off.
Mister, you killed our snowman!
I don't see any snowman.
That's because you killed him.
Right. He doesn't look too good.
But it's 65 degrees out here.
He would've been a puddle by noon.
We're telling.
No, please don't tell,
because I'll get in trouble.
That's the idea.
-Mommy! Mommy!
-Mommy! Mommy!
What's wrong?
-That man killed Frosty.
-That man killed Frosty.
Rhonda, you're a mommy?
I got a package for you.
I'll be right down.
When my mom gets here,
you are gonna get it.
I can't believe it. Sludgee-babe's a mom.
A real mom who could get
you in big trouble.
-Hello, Eddie.
-Make him go to his room.
If you send me to my room...
...then you won't get your package.
Sounds like a present.
Girls, it's from Edgemont...
...from your Great-Grandma Mimi.
Let's see what's inside.
"Dear Sarah and Julie...
...I love you lots and miss you bunches.
Come visit me for Christmas.
We're having a big carnival.
Love, Grandma Mimi."
-Can we go?
-Yeah, Mommy, let's go.
Come on, Mom, we gotta go.
There's a carnival and everything.
Girls, I'm sorry, but we're not
going anywhere on Christmas.
Why not?
Because I said so.
Don't you hate it when your mommy
answers like that?
Eddie, nobody asked.
-I hope it's the Princess Penny doll.
-Girls...
-...can't you wait till Christmas morning?
-No.
Gee whiz.
They're like piranhas, aren't they?
Sign right here.
You know, Rhonda, you never mentioned
your little roommates.
-You got a problem with kids?
-No. No, kids are great...
...after they're all grown up.
Look what we got.
Oh, girls, aren't those pretty?
I bet Grandma Mimi made them.
No money.
Well, I gotta roll.
Kids, huh? Boy.
See you, Rhonda.
Eddie, this is the first time
you didn't hit on me.
-I gotta go.
-Come on, girls.
Stacey will watch you while I'm at work.
Girls.
That was for killing Frosty.
Napkins in your laps.
Tell Stacey thank you for the brownies.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Now, don't make a mess.
May I help you, Barney?
Don't even think about it.
Look, Matthew's up.
Hi, baby.
-Look.
-Oh, Stace, he's gotten so big.
Hey.
Hey, are you feeling okay?
You don't look so hot.
Nobody looks good in these things.
Come on, Rhonda.
I mean, we tell each other everything.
What's up?
Oh, Stace.
I couldn't tell the girls
I have to work Christmas Day.
Maybe I'll take them with me.
What's more fun than spending Christmas
at a convenience store?
We can hang tinsel
on the Sludgee machine.
-Barney!
-Oh, no.
-What now? Girls!
-Barney!
Come back with my brownie.
-Stop that dog! He's getting slobber on it.
-Girls. Look at this mess.
Barney ate my brownie!
Mine's in his mouth.
Do you have any more?
No, that was the last one.
-Get him!
-Get him!
Girls, don't break anything.
-He's getting away!
-Grab his tail.
-I'm sorry.
-Don't worry about it. You go to work.
-I'll clean that up.
-No, that's okay. I got it.
I'll bring you back some milk too.
This just never stops.
It's, "Girls, eat your dinner.
Girls, get in the bath, get out of the bath.
Girls, go to sleep.
I mean it, girls, go to sleep."
Every time I turn around, Sarah and Julie
are into some kind of trouble.
You know, you need a vacation.
I would love a vacation.
Sometimes, Sarah and Julie
are such a handful.
All I want for Christmas is just
a couple of days by myself.
No girls, no Sludgees, no nothing.
Julie, come here.
-You'll be okay.
-We made Mommy cry.
That's because we're a handful.
Bye, girls. I'm going to work.
Please stay out of trouble,
at least until I get back.
Here are my keys, Stace,
in case they need more toys.
-Okay.
-Bye, Rhonda.
-Bye, Mommy.
-I gotta feed the baby, okay?
Mommy wants a vacation from us.
We could go to Grandma Mimi's house
for Christmas.
Good idea. Let's do it.
How do we get to Grandma's house?
Do I have to think of everything?
Now, come on.
Don't forget some clean underwear.
Switch.
I'll leave Mommy's presents here.
Let's go, Julie.
Grandma, here we come.
On your mark, get set, we're out of here.
See you later.
Where are you going?
-Grandma lives this way.
-No, Grandma lives this way.
-You'll be sorry.
-No, you'll be sorry.
No, you'll be sorry.
Okay, big shot,
I'll call you from Grandma's.
Wait! Wait, Sarah. Wait!
Wait, Sarah.
Wait, Sarah. Wait.
Maybe next time you'll listen.
So come on, Julie.
We're not allowed to cross the street.
That's why I said:
We're cruising to Grandma's.
I hate going uphill.
-Keep pedaling. Don't give up.
-Oh, no.
-Are we there yet?
-I don't think so.
That's our next-door neighbor.
Hi, Mr. Johnson.
We're back where we started.
This is not working.
That is very lucky.
Let's go.
Don't let the driver see you.
Go in the back door.
-Try to look really small.
-I am really small.
Girls?
Sarah?
Julie?
Girls, if you're playing hide-and-go-seek,
I give up.
Please be somewhere.
-Stop 'N' Grab.
-You're gonna kill me.
I can't find the girls.
I looked everywhere for them.
You're gonna kill me.
I'm not gonna kill you.
I'm sure they're just outside playing.
Look, I'll be home as soon as I can.
Let's just stay calm.
Okay.
Everybody out!
Right now! We're closed.
Get out. Come on. Come on, let's go.
Let's go. Come on, little boy, let's go.
-What did we do?
-Come on.
Come on, I've got a crisis. Out. Now.
-Hey, I said, get out.
-I'm still looking.
-Come on.
-It's a 24-hour store.
-You're not supposed to close.
-Not today. Come on.
And now, for today's weather report.
It's going to be partly cloudy today,
with a high of 65. Or maybe not.
No snow flurries today.
-Back to you, Bill.
-My name isn't Bill.
Oh, I'm so sorry. Just practicing.
You never know when they
may need a new weather girl.
Does this bus go to Grandma's house?
I don't know. Where does Grandma live?
She lives in Edgemont.
That's three hours away.
This bus just goes downtown...
...then it goes uptown,
then back downtown.
-Get the idea?
-We're on the wrong bus.
Hope you get to Grandma's.
Merry Christmas, girls.
Merry Christmas, lady.
A very Merry Christmas, lady.
I beat you again.
-You got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-No, you got a problem.
-You are getting on my nerves.
-You are getting on my nerves.
-Don't start that again.
-You started it.
They packed their bags. They took
their money. Why would they run away?
We better call the police.
Yeah, you're right.
Hey, did you just drop a chicken bone
in my case?
There's still some meat on there.
Well, okay.
Merry Christmas.
Hey, it's Princess Penny!
We gotta go in there.
We gotta go to Grandma's.
But it's Princess Penny.
I know, but we gotta go.
But it's Princess Penny.
It was Princess Penny.
-Come on, Sarah.
-Give it up, Julie.
-Oh, I miss those things.
-You don't know how lucky you are.
-That's the man who killed Frosty.
-Come with me.
He brought us presents,
so he goes to Grandma's.
We could get a ride in his truck.
But he doesn't like us.
So we better be sneaky.
We can hide behind that big dog.
We're having a very lucky day.
Go, before he sees us. Hurry.
Those FPD bandits give you
any trouble?
Are you kidding?
Shoot, they won't come near me.
Well, you have a Merry Christmas,
young fella.
You too.
This will never work.
It is gonna work.
How do you know it's gonna work?
How do you know it's not gonna work?
You're impossible.
He's making my ears hurt.
I gotta go to the bathroom.
You should've gone
before we left the house.
I didn't have to go then,
but I have to go now.
Mister!
I gotta go to the bathroom.
Where the hell did you come from?
You said the H-word.
I gotta go to the bathroom,
and this is no joke.
Right. You kids sit down right here.
I'll find you a bathroom.
In the meantime, sing a cowboy song.
It takes your mind off your problems.
This is not working.
Just hold on. I'll get you
to a bathroom as soon as I can.
Doesn't this thing go any faster?
We're here. We're here.
Just hold your horses...
...and everything else.
All these turns are not helping.
Hang on. I'll get you down.
Hurry. Hurry. Hurry.
Okay. Okay.
Just keep saying, "l can hold it."
I can hold it. I can hold it. I can hold it.
Come on, Sarah, you can hold it.
I can hold it!
You heard her! Where's your bathroom?
All the way in the back.
-Hurry. Hurry.
-I'm hurrying. I'm hurrying. I know.
-Which way?
-Back that way.
-Hurry. Hurry.
-Just hang in there. Hang in there.
-Keep going, man.
-Okay, which way now?
Back here.
-Which one?
-The one with the dress.
-I was afraid of that.
-Keep moving. I'll get the door.
-Hey, buddy.
-It's just a drop-off. Go, kid, go.
I'm going. I'm going.
Oh, sorry.
You should be.
I think I'll go now.
I told her to go before we left...
...but she never listens.
She thinks she knows everything.
No kidding.
It's true.
I feel much better. Thanks, mister.
Don't mention it. I'm sure you'd
have done the same for me.
So let me get this straight:
You packed your bags,
rode your bike around the block...
...you hopped the bus,
looked at the Princess Penny dolls...
...then snuck in the back
of my truck...
...so I'd drive you to your
great-grandma's house in Edgemont.
You forgot we put chicken legs in a hat.
Oh, right.
I'm guessing your mom
doesn't know about this.
No. We're giving her a vacation.
She ought to be going nuts now...
...wondering where the hell
you two went.
Oh, yeah, the H-word.
-I'm sorry.
-Okay.
You ready to order?
I'll have peanut butter and jelly.
Peanut butter on top,
smooth, but not crunchy...
...and cut off all the crusts, please.
I'll have the same, but extra jelly, please.
I'll take the same thing.
You can leave my crusts on, please.
Gotcha.
Okay.
I've got all the information
I need. Definitely.
You've gotta find them, Detective Gremp.
Ma'am, I promise you, I'll find your
daughters as soon as possible. Absolutely.
That's the telephone.
-I know.
-Just doing my job.
-Hello?
-Hey, Rhonda.
This is Eddie Popko,
your favorite delivery boy.
Listen, I got your girls right here.
They're fine.
Oh, thank God.
Hang on. The girls have been found.
What did I tell you? Said I'd find them
as soon as possible. Absolutely.
-Thanks for all your help.
-I'll see myself out. Positively.
What are you doing with my girls?
This wasn't my idea. They snuck
into the back of my truck.
Tell me where you are. I'll get them.
I gotta finish up all my deliveries first,
then I'll swing by your house.
Oh, and Rhonda, by the way,
I do get 5 bucks an hour to babysit.
Just get back here, Eddie.
Yeah-- Well, you have
a nice day too, now.
It's all yours.
Okay, you guys ready to go?
Promise to take us to Grandma's?
Yeah, yeah, whatever.
Look at you two slobs. Did you get
any of that sandwich in your mouth?
How come you don't like kids?
Well, you wanna know why?
I'll tell you why.
Because you're little.
You don't know nothing, you haven't done
nothing, and you got nothing to say.
Okay, smart guys. If you could do
anything in the world, what would you do?
-I would finger-paint.
-That is very fun.
Okay, well, I think I just made my point.
All right, coats on. Let's ride.
-Waitress! He forgot to pay the bill.
-I'll be right there.
We don't need an announcement.
I was gonna pay. I got the money here.
Just making sure.
-Yeah. All right, let's go.
-To Grandma's, right?
Right.
Wait for us.
I told you twinheads to stay in the truck.
We want to help.
Well, you can't help.
You're not a professional.
It took me two weeks of training
to earn this shoulder patch.
What do you do?
Well, l--
I give the customers their package,
and they sign for it.
You got a patch for that?
What do you want? Listen,
I'm trying to take a nap.
-Yes, sir. Package from FPD.
-Yeah, okay.
-Sign right here, please.
-Sure.
-Merry Christmas.
-Happy holidays.
Would you look at that?
Santa's little helpers,
helping out their dad.
Well, I think that calls for a little tip.
For you...
...and you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
-Here's one for you too, Dad.
-Well, thank you, sir.
Merry Christmas to you.
First tip I ever got on this crappy job.
I guess you could say Santa's little helpers
are Dad's little helpers today.
Thank you. So hard to find
a good babysitter.
Merry Christmas, now.
Yeah. Come on, girls, let's go.
-Sign right here, please.
-Aren't you cute?
Okay. Where? Here?
Looking good, girls.
This is for you.
This is for you.
-Thank you.
-Thank you, girls. Merry Christmas.
Merry Christmas.
-lce cream! Ice cream!
-lce cream! Ice cream!
We all scream for ice cream.
That's a good one.
-You never heard that one before?
-No.
That's because I just made it up.
All right.
-So, what kind of ice cream do you want?
-I want this one. No, this one. No.
-I want this one. Yeah. No that one.
-I want this one. No, that one.
No, that one.
-I know!
-I know!
-That one. This one.
-That one. No. That one. Yeah.
-No, I want this one.
-No, I want this one.
Just give them each a chocolate sundae
while I play Win-O-Lotto.
-Coming right up.
-I wanna play.
Me too.
Well, you've certainly been
good luck so far.
Help me pick my numbers.
When's your birthday?
-June 13, 1987.
-June 13, 1987.
But I came out first, so I'm older.
By one minute.
But I'm still older.
Okay. All right. 6, 13, 1 9, 8 and 7.
Sounds like a winner.
You know, I'm due to win this.
No, really. I have a system.
-Okay.
-Girls, feels like a winner.
-Can I hold it?
-Can I hold it?
All right, wait a minute.
I know where this is going. Okay.
You're the oldest,
you can keep it in your purse.
For the first half of the trip, and you're
gonna keep it for the second half.
Here's your sundaes.
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
Hey, she gots more whipped cream.
Hey, you got more nuts.
There. Now you're even.
That was very unpolite.
Hit it, girls.
You kids can keep your Guns and your
Roses. I'll take Roy Rogers any day.
A guy that can ride a horse and play the
guitar at the same time, now, that's talent.
Hey, look, there's Mommy's store.
Yeah, it is.
You're not taking us to Grandma's.
-I'm not?
-You're taking us home.
You kids may as well learn this now.
Grownups will say anything
to get kids to cooperate.
You take us to Grandma's right now.
This is no joke.
Well, I told your mom
I'm bringing you home, and that's no joke.
Go back there and get your suitcases.
I'll meet you around back.
-Grinch.
-What did you call me?
I called you a grinch.
Oh, okay. Well, just checking.
-Boy, I'm getting hungry.
-After we work out, we're gonna get...
-...a nice, big pizza.
-Oh, boy. Extra cheese?
And pepperoni.
-lsn't it a lovely evening for a walk?
-Yes.
-Watch it, joggers coming through.
-Sir, you dropped your fanny pack.
-Those things come loose all the time.
-Thank you very much.
-I love it when you get physical, Shirl.
-Not now, Harv. Get in the truck.
-Where's Eddie?
-I don't know.
Who are they?
I don't know.
You're the one who knows everything.
I hope they're going to Grandma's.
You lost my girls?
Rhonda, I'm really sorry. I lost my truck too.
It had to be those FPD bandits.
Eddie! I'm calling the police.
Tell them they look like your mom and dad
out for a walk. But when you turn your back:
Mom's all over you like a ninja turtle.
Okay, Harv, let's check out the loot.
-Hello.
-Hi.
Shirley, when did FPD
start delivering kids?
Right after you had your lobotomy, Harv.
What are you rug rats doing in here?
We're trying to get to Grandma's.
Who ships their kids to Grandma's?
Don't they gotta be in a box?
Stop thinking. You're not good at it.
I'll handle this.
I know how to talk to these little droolers.
Hi there. My name is Shirley...
...and this is my husband, Harvey.
What are your little names?
My little name is Sarah.
My little name is Julie.
Are these shrimps making fun of me?
I'm not sure. I think so.
All right, I'm through
with this child-psychology junk.
Was that guy
driving the truck your daddy?
No. He was taking us home.
We don't wanna go home.
Why not?
Mommy said we're a handful.
We're giving her a vacation.
And that's why you wanna get
to your granny's.
Well, aren't you two sweet
to give your mom a break like that?
-Excuse us one minute.
-Nice meeting you guys.
See you later, guys.
Harv, this is the best truck
we ever had, Harvey.
Those munchkins
are twin sacks of money.
-You're thinking about us being kidnappers?
-No! No, I'm talking about us being heroes.
When we return those kids,
we are going to deserve a big, fat reward.
We'll get money, and we'll be heroes?
Boy, that beats a stick in the eye.
-Which way is Edgemont?
-Edgemont? Is that where your granny lives?
Well, that is just where we're headed.
You kids want a ride?
Yes, we do.
Excuse me. I gotta go talk to my sister.
Oh, yeah. Sure, sure. Take your time.
What is it?
We can't go with them.
What do you wanna do,
walk to Grandma's?
Remember Mom's rules?
Never get in a car with strangers.
Oh, yeah. But remember
Mom's other rule?
Never going outside after dark?
Oh, yeah.
-It's dark.
-It's very dark.
Why did I ever listen to you?
Because I'm the smart one.
Okay, smart one, what do we do now?
I'm smart, but I'm not a genius.
Okay, let's go.
Come on, we'll give you a ride
in our motor home.
-Your home has a motor?
-Yeah.
Well, we like to get away
every now and then.
"Get away every now and then."
Get it, Harv?
Oh, "get away." Like a "getaway."
That's a good one.
-I don't get it.
-Me neither.
Well, this is it. Home sweet home.
This is awesome.
Why do you have
all these Christmas presents?
-Well--
-Tell them, Harv.
Why, that's simple.
Go ahead, take it, Shirl.
What?
Because...
...we live in one of Santa's
mobile workshops.
That's it, a mobile workshop.
We are just a couple of big elves.
-Right, Harv?
-Big elves.
That's right. Elves is what we are.
You know Santa Claus?
Old Saint Nick?
Me, Harv and the Nick-ster are good buds.
Are you kidding? Great buddies.
We were in the army together.
Are you making this up?
Would we lie to you?
Maybe. Grownups will say anything
to make kids cooperate.
Well, we are definitely elves.
Who do you think taught Rudolph
how to fly?
-You know Rudolph?
-What's he really like?
Rudy? He's my favorite.
Oh, what a reindeer.
Just as sweet as he always was.
Those TV specials haven't
changed him one bit.
Not a bit.
Are we getting Princess Penny dolls
for Christmas?
Oh, no, no. Not allowed to tell.
Kind of an elf rule.
But I wouldn't worry too much about it.
It sounds like a yes to me.
Okay, let me see if I got this.
The woman who knocked you senseless...
...she's about 5'2", 110 pounds?
She might have been 5'3".
Ma'am, have you got a recent photo
of your children?
Oh, yeah.
This was Christmas,
but it was a year ago.
Here's the beach.
That one might be a little blurry.
This is one of them in the car.
You can't see Sarah's face in that one.
This was two years ago.
Oh, here's a good one.
This was two weeks ago.
This is a picture of us at the zoo.
That's Sarah. That's Julie.
That's a monkey.
I knew that, ma'am. I'm a detective.
The girls both sleep with stuffed-animal
monkeys. Their names are King and Kong.
Shouldn't you be writing this down?
King and Kong. I got it all right here.
Speaking of stockings,
some lottery player...
...could be a bit richer if their
wish comes true.
-Here 's June with the numbers.
-Here come the winning numbers...
...for tomorrow 's Christmas Eve
Win-O-Lotto.
You could spin for a jackpot
of $ 1.3 million...
...if your numbers are:
6, 13, 19...
...8 and 7.
Once again, these numbers are:
6, 13, 19, 8 and 7.
Doggone it. All these tickets,
I didn ' t hit one lousy number.
You are unbelievable.
My kids are missing,
and you're worried about a lottery.
I'm sorry. It's just a dumb habit.
-Remember I told you about my system?
-I don't care.
Why don't you just get out of here.
Okay. All right. Well, I'm going. I'm sorry.
Ma'am, I'm sorry about your children.
And I'm sorry about him.
But as far as we know, the FPD bandits,
they're not kidnappers.
But I'm sure everything's
gonna work out. Definitely.
Call me the second you hear anything.
Absolutely.
Wow! Boy, this place is great.
See, Harvey, I told you.
You're so right, Julie. Hey, Shirl!
How come we never came in here before?
Gee, I don't know, Harv.
Would you come on and finish your pizza?
I'll be right there.
I'm gonna go down the slide one more time.
Help! Somebody help me. Somebody.
I need an immediate APB
on two missing girls:
Julie and Sarah Thompson.
Excuse me. Can I catch a lift home?
As you know, I've lost my truck.
Get in the back.
And buckle up.
Thanks for caring, sir.
This is Gremp again.
On the Thompson twins...
...they got strawberry-blond hair.
Yeah. Blue eyes.
Height: 3'5". Weight: 35 pounds apiece.
Date of birth: 6-13-1987.
They like monkeys.
-What was that birth date again, sir?
-6-13-1987.
-Stop the car!
-What?
-This is where I live. Thanks a lot.
-You needed me to take you a block?
I always wanted to ride in a real police car.
Now, get to work. We gotta find those kids.
I gotta find those kids.
Gotta find those kids.
1.3 million reasons I gotta find those kids.
I knew my system worked.
Rhonda! Rhonda!
-Meet me at the window.
-What do you want?
Meet me over here.
Rhonda, meet me at the door.
I'm coming up.
I'm here. Open up.
What? What?
-Rhonda.
-What?
I have to get some water.
You ran all the way back here
for a glass of water?
Okay, I can talk now.
Rhonda, I was a jerk and an idiot
and a moron.
I know all that.
Okay, but what you don't know is,
I wanna help find your girls.
Since when?
Since I was just thinking about all the fun
that I'd had with the girls.
How we went for ice cream,
and we bought a lottery ticket...
...and it's a winner.
Wouldn't you know it?
That ticket must be in one of their purses.
You greedy little worm.
-Hello?
-Hi. Rhonda Thompson?
-Yes?
-Rhonda, it was the craziest thing.
I found your girls sitting in the back
of an FPD truck.
You found my girls?
They found the girls?
How about those little purses?
-Are they okay?
-You kidding? They're playing Whack-a-mole.
Hey, girls, say hi to your mom.
-Hi, Mom!
-We got enough tickets for yo-yos.
Can't we get the paddleball?
Next time, Harv.
Rhonda. Rhonda, just out of curiosity...
...is there a reward involved here?
Reward?
I was hoping it might be $10,000?
$10,000?
You don't want a reward,
you want ransom.
-We'll get the money.
-Eddie.
Tell that guy it's a deal.
I'll meet you at the rink at Edgemont...
...at 3:00. Wear a red hat
so I know how to find you.
And don't tell the police about this,
or I just might get lost.
All right, no police.
Just take care of my girls.
They're happy as clams.
Oh, and speaking of clams...
...I would like my reward in cash.
See you tomorrow.
Wow! I broke the record!
Shirley, I got the best score today!
Harv, we're on a roll.
-I should call Detective Gremp.
-The woman said no police.
I know a way to get my hands
on the 10 grand.
But you gotta trust me.
-You better come through for me, Eddie.
-Hey, have I ever not come through for you?
Except for that losing-your-kids thing.
Oh, yeah, yeah.
Here's me at my high school reunion.
I didn't graduate, so I had to sneak in.
Here's me and Shirley
on our very first date.
Our parole officer fixed us up.
Oh, here's a good one of you, Shirley.
I look okay.
Those were taken after our second date.
We went dancing,
then we tried to knock over that store.
You tried to knock a store over?
No, we didn't try to " knock it over,"
knock it over.
-We were holding it up.
-Why, was it falling down?
Not "holding it up," holding it up.
Okay, let's give the think tank a rest.
Time to grab some shuteye.
Into bed, you two.
Okay, bedtime.
-ln bed.
-Hey, chop-chop, you guys.
There we are. Now, the bathroom's here.
Refrigerator's full if you get hungry.
-Good night, Sarah. Good night, Julie.
-Good night, Harv. Good night, Shirley.
-Good night, girls.
-Sleep tight. Don't let the bedbugs bite.
That was sweet, Harv.
My dad always used to say that.
We really had bedbugs,
so it's not like he was trying to be sweet.
Well, we got work to do.
-No bedtime story?
-What do you expect?
We're sleeping on a table.
Couldn't you just eat those kids up?
Hey, let's rob a toy store so they'll have
something to play with when they get up.
No. Too risky.
I'll let them play with the VCR, teach them
to pry the serial numbers off. Kids love that.
Honey, how come we never had kids?
Because we're criminals, sweetheart.
That's just our job.
And I'd make a great dad.
You'd be a terrific mom.
Oh, yeah,
we're a regular Ozzie and Harriet.
Okay, this one is clean
and priced to move.
-Stop wiggling.
-Stop breathing on me.
-Give me that.
-Give me this.
-No, you give me this.
-I'm gonna tell on you.
No, I'm gonna tell on you.
I wish I was in my own bed.
Me too. I miss Mommy.
I miss Mommy more than you.
I don't think so.
I hope she's having a good vacation.
So do l.
-Good night, Julie.
-Good night, Sarah.
And behind door number two...
...prizes and merchandise
worth over $10,000.
I don't know what you did...
...but I got a bad feeling about it.
Don't feel bad. We're gonna raise a ransom
the way the FPD bandits would.
We're gonna open these packages,
find the good stuff, and hit the pawnshops.
Eddie, this isn't right.
-Those are other people's Christmas presents.
-Rhonda, do you realize how happy...
...these people would feel if they knew
by giving up one present...
...they'd be helping a mother
be reunited with her daughters?
That's what this season's all about.
It's giving.
You are so full of it.
I know.
But I'm desperate.
I'm gonna list every present we open.
We're gonna make it up to these people.
I was just about to suggest that.
It's like we share the same brain.
Okay, come on. Let's get to work.
-Yeah.
-CD.
Another fruitcake. Who eats these things?
-Are you sure this is gonna work?
-Of course it's gonna work.
-Just let me do the talking.
-We're in big trouble.
You got a bad attitude.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
The horse knows the way to carry the sleigh
Through the white and drifted snow
Over the river and through the woods
Oh, how the wind does blow
It stings your toes and bites your nose
As over the ground we go
Come on, Shirley, sing with us.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
We'll have lots of money
And me and my honey
Will move to Hawaii, and we'll be rich
We'll never have to work another day
And we'll be very happy
Finally happy
Papayas and lots of sand
And fun and water--
-That's not how you sing it, Shirley.
-No.
I am an elf. I wrote this song.
Over the river and through the woods
To Grandmother's house we go
-Four and a quarter. Give me 400.
-I say three.
-Give me $400.
-No, I say three.
-You give me three?
-No, I say two.
-You said three.
-No, I said two.
All right, $200.
We're still 12 dollars short.
Alrighty.
Now we're only 2 dollars short.
Great.
This is ransom, not bus fare.
We don't need exact change.
Do you want a powdered doughnut?
Never mind. I'm out of doughnuts.
Got some powder left.
Okay. How about a Flintstone vitamin?
I think I already ate all the Dinos,
but I do have some Barney Rubbles.
Pass.
Okay. Listen, Rhonda...
...everything's gonna be okay,
because we're gonna get your girls back.
We have to.
I need a red hat.
A red hat?
Well, you came to the right place.
See, I call this my little
cowboy hall of fame.
And this is my
"salute to Roy Rogers" corner.
This hat was worn by Dale Evans when
Dale, Roy and Trigger were grand marshals...
...for the '77 Rose Parade.
By the way, that was the best Rose Parade
they ever had too.
There you go, ma'am.
Say, you look mighty fine.
What are you,
some kind of cowboy wannabe?
I'm a cowboy gonna-be.
See, Rhonda, when I spin that wheel
and I win the big jackpot...
...I'm going to buy a big ranch
in Montana:
The Lazy E.
-E stands for Eddie.
-Figured that.
Well, here, take a seat right here.
Let me explain something to you.
Rhonda, this city...
...is nothing but a big, concrete ant farm.
You're losing me.
And I'm just a delivery ant trudging along
with a fruitcake in my mandibles.
You lost me.
Okay, just forget about that ant thing,
all right?
The point is, when I look out that window,
what do I see?
Big skies, fresh air,
purple mountain majesties?
No, Rhonda, I see this.
Look, there. You lucked out.
It's feet-picking day.
Hey, Earl.
Come on, let's get my girls back.
Eddie, I'm losing my mind.
Yeah, about six feet tall.
Blue eye.
Is that them?
Yeah, that's them.
-Where now?
-Turn left up here.
We're early. Sure you don't wanna hear
some more Roy Rogers?
No, thank you.
Merry Christmas, everybody!
Merry Christmas.
Don 't forget to be on line
for the pony ride...
...and the puppet show.
Don 't get shut out, kiddies.
Come on, little girls and boys....
Do you see the girls?
Now, just relax, all right?
You're with Eddie Popko.
Everything's gonna work out just fine.
Smooth move, Eddie.
I'm sorry, officer. It's my fault.
Lucky it was just a tiny little ding. Actually
adds a bit of character, don't you think?
Well, it is Christmas Eve.
I guess I don't have to shoot you.
But I might if you
don't laugh at my jokes.
You got me there.
Okay, you kids have fun.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas to you.
You have a nice day.
That was close.
Last thing we need are cops.
You know that fax you sent out?
Well, I think I found your FPD bandits.
Keep an eye on them till I get there.
On my way.
Will do. Over and out.
I live for this stuff.
Don't you guys know any instrumentals?
Hope these bandits aren't late.
I gotta be back at 6 to spin that wheel.
What if they can't find us
with all these red hats around?
I can take care of that.
Just hold the money.
All right, everybody. Now, listen up!
There's no red hats on the ice! Okay.
Thank you. Thank you. The rules are
to protect everybody, remember that.
Thank you. Sir, you should be
ashamed of yourself.
You should set an example for your kids.
Thank you. Thank you.
Is that everybody? Wait a minute,
you're not gonna sneak by me.
-I ought to....
-Hey!
Remember, you can pick
your hats up here...
-...in the snowman when you're finished.
-Hey, what about that red hat?
The only red hats allowed are
red cowboy hats.
I think you're okay, ma'am. All right.
Now, nothing can go wrong, okay?
Everything already went wrong.
What kind of mother makes her girls
run away from home?
They weren't running away.
They were simply just giving you
a little vacation.
-You don't know that.
-I do, because the girls told me.
You're too hard on yourself.
You're a good mom.
And it's gotta be really rough
raising two kids all alone.
Heck, I can barely take care of me.
How did things get so messed up?
I had my life all figured out
until my husband took off.
Now, he's the one who blew it.
He lost you.
You're just saying that
to make me feel better.
It's working.
Good.
Come on, let's skate.
Police business. Where's the carnival?
-Right up that street.
-Thanks. Get out of the way.
Oh, sure, put up a stop sign anywhere.
All right. All right, now, step on the gas.
Let's go.
I thought we were going to Grandma's.
She lives right down the street.
Now, don't bust a balloon.
I just gotta run a little errand
at the ice-skating rink.
Harv, why don't you take the kids
on a pony ride.
Sarah, Julie...
...would you like to go on a pony ride?
No. We would like to go to Grandma's.
Now they're making fun of me, right?
Right.
Come on. Come on, we'll go on the ponies.
I can smell them from here.
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma!
Kids.... Kids....
Kids, will you stop that please?
We're not going to Grandma's.
-We're not going to Grandma's?
-No.
We're gonna ride the nice horsy.
Hey, we get on this real nice horsy.
This is Buttercup.
Isn't he a pretty horsy?
Harvey is a liar.
-Harvey is a liar! Harvey is a liar!
-Harvey is a liar! Harvey is a liar!
All right. Okay, all right. I'm a liar.
But it's not my fault.
This was Shirley's idea.
If you don't take us,
I'm gonna tell on you.
Yeah, who you gonna tell?
Your boss. Santa Claus.
Now, as long as we're getting everything
out in the open here...
...I'm not really an elf.
Is Shirley an elf?
No. Shirley's not an elf either.
This is unbelievable.
It's after 3. Where are they?
-Miss! Miss! I love your red hat.
-That's her.
-We'll be right there.
-lf she drops anything, don't pick it up.
-I've gotta get my skates off.
-Take your time.
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-We want Grandma! We want Grandma!
-You can stop waving.
-We're not waving back.
They're just having fun.
You are a liar!
He is not an elf.
Elf, huh?
Like none of you have trouble
with your kids.
How do we get to Grandma's?
Not on Buttercup.
We need help.
Santa can help.
Where did the kids go?
Sarah? Julie!
Buttercup! Where did they go?
How would I know?
This is not a real sleigh.
That's okay. There's no real snow,
so Santa doesn't need a real sleigh.
He also doesn't need new skis
or a season pass he paid 600 bucks for.
Why are you so cranky?
You need a nap.
You're telling me?
What can Santa do for you?
Fly us in the sky to Grandma's.
And bring us Princess Penny.
How about a picture with Santa instead?
Only 4 bucks.
No. We need a ride.
And Princess Penny.
Okay. Somebody want
to get their kids here?
There's nobody here to get us.
You two are here alone?
I'll get help. You stay here.
-Where are my girls?
-They're fine. Don't have a cow.
I got their things right here.
-It's their stuff, I see the purses.
-ls that the reward money?
Ten grand in cash.
Now, real slow, lady. I give you the money,
you give me the purses. On three.
That money is for my girls.
-Of course it is.
-Hey, where are those girls, anyway?
Coming right up.
Here's the ticket.
We have just enough time to get back.
-ls that the reward money?
-It's all here.
-We gotta give it back.
-No, we don't.
-Yes, we do.
-Have you lost your mind?
-No, pumpkin, I lost the kids.
-What?
-You lost my girls?
-I couldn't help it.
I don't know what happened. One minute,
they were on the ponies and happy.
The next minute, they just disappeared.
I think they were upset
because I told them we weren't elves.
You told them we weren't elves?
What is the matter with you?
-lt slipped out.
-Lunatic. Because there's holes up here!
-You're Mr. Pinocchio. A wooden head!
-lt was dumb. You are not helping.
-We gotta find my girls.
-Right. I gotta be back by 6.
That money is all you care about, isn't it?
You've got your ticket. Here's your hat. Go!
-Julie! Sarah!
-Come on, Shirl, we gotta help.
When is it gonna sink in?
We're the bad guys.
I keep forgetting.
Sarah! Julie!
Hey, hey, there's our money.
Hey, girls, it's us, your buddies,
Harvey and Shirley.
Oh, no, not them again.
-Fly, Rudolph, fly.
-Go to Grandma's house.
-Hey.
-Watch it.
Come on, Harv.
-Merry Christmas!
-Merry Christmas! Happy Hanukkah!
-Merry Christmas.
-Hey, Sarah! Julie!
Wait! Sarah! Julie! Grab that thing! Stop!
-Hey, stop those girls!
-Julie! Sarah!
My girls! Somebody, help!
-I'm on my way.
-Hurry, Eddie! Hurry!
-I'm on my way.
-Girls.
Stop! Eddie, come on!
Come on, Trigger. Let's go.
All right. Come on, fella,
follow that sleigh.
Wait. No. No more circles.
You're free! You're free!
You don't have to do
these kiddie rides anymore.
Thataway, boy. You're gonna be a hero.
Come on!
-Hurry, Eddie!
-Take the low road.
Cut them off at the pass.
I always wanted to cut someone off
at the pass.
These reindeer are fast.
They have to be. They go around
the whole world in one night.
We're moving now.
I hope you know which way we're going.
-Go, Rudolph. Go, Prancer.
-That's Blitzen.
-How do you know it's Blitzen?
-How do you know it's not?
Come on, we gotta catch them. Come on.
Girls, hold on! I'm on my way!
-Hang on, girls, I'm coming!
-We're hanging.
I'm on my way! I'm coming!
-You can slow down now.
-I don't think they're listening.
-What's in the road?
-Okay, Rudolph, you can fly now.
What does that sign say?
-What do I look like, a first-grader?
-Duck, girls! Duck!
Oh, my goodness.
They're not real reindeer.
Rudolph is just a horse with a red nose.
-Stop!
-We would like to get off now!
I'm on my way! I'm coming!
I'm right on you. Hang on!
Go! Go! He's on Buttercup.
-Hurry, Buttercup! Hurry, Eddie!
-I've got you, kids.
-Jump! Good one. Don't let go.
-Thanks.
Don't fall off.
Hi, girls.
Remember me? We had ice cream.
Hold on. I'll be right back.
Where do you think you're going?
Hold steady, boys. I'm coming on.
You're falling off the horse.
I know that.
I thought you were a cowboy.
Stop those horses!
Whoa, horsy!
My girls!
Come on, Eddie!
Whoa, guys! Ease up! Ease up!
-Yes! All right!
-Way to go! Way to go!
-Ride them, cowboy!
-Way to go, Eddie!
-That was fun.
-Can we do it again?
No, we can't.
We're a little close to the edge here.
Let's move it on back, boys.
Move it on back. All right.
Thataway. Move it right on back.
Take a little ride up to the carnival.
Keep moving it on back.
Right back there was fine.
Obviously, you know where you're going,
so you lead the way. I'll hang on.
Where are you going?
Well, I don't know.
They're the ones driving.
Oh, okay. All right.
All right, slow it down here, boys.
This looks good to me. Park at any time.
You know,
there's a good spot right there.
Wait a second. That was a good spot.
Stop being-- We're running of road, guys.
Stop it. Okay.
Gee whiz.
You gotta admit, kids,
that was one hell of a ride.
Oh, right, right, the H-word. Okay.
Well, come on down for me.
You two scared me half to death.
Can I help you folks?
Grandma Mimi!
-Julie! Sarah!
-Grandma!
Oh, my goodness, what a surprise.
What are you doing here?
We came to visit you.
Well, I'll be. You did make it
to Grandma's.
Piece of cake.
Oh, come inside. I'll give you some
of Grandma's special cocoa.
Come on.
-Where are they?
-Mommy!
-Rhonda.
-Hi, Grandma.
-Oh, girls.
-Merry Christmas, sweetie.
Merry Christmas.
Thank God you're all right.
Did we make you cry again?
No, sweetheart. I'm crying
because I'm so happy to see you.
Why did you run away?
You said we were a handful.
Oh, honey. Mommy was just upset.
Sometimes people say things
they don't mean when they're upset.
But I mean this:
You girls are the most important people
in my life.
We are?
Yes, you are.
It gets a little crazy because it's just
the three of us.
But if we stick together and be a team,
we can make it through anything.
-We'll never be a handful again.
-Never, ever again.
I love you both...
...more than anything in this world.
-I love you.
-I love you bigger.
Julie, we're a team.
Sorry. It's a tie.
Come here.
I miss your hugs.
I love you.
This is so sweet.
My great-grandchildren.
Let's go, girls.
Get your cocoa before it gets cold.
Eddie, thank you so much.
You were wonderful.
Well, maybe I was a little wonderful.
What about your Win-O-Lotto?
Well, I guess I kind of missed it.
I mean, who knows if I would have landed
on the jackpot anyway.
Even if I did, what's $1.3 million?
I mean, after taxes, that's only 900,000.
Rhonda, the important thing is
we got your girls back.
Eddie, thank you.
-That's them, hugging.
-Definitely.
Hey, Gremp, what are you doing here?
I'm here to arrest the FPD bandits.
-Great.
-Good. Don't let them get away.
I won't. You're both under arrest.
Thanks for the ride, sheriff.
Next time, buckle up.
Ma'am, your daughters will remain
with their great-grandmother...
...until their mother is released
from custody.
We're not the real FPD bandits.
We needed the money for ransom.
-They kidnapped my girls.
-We were gonna use my lotto money...
...to buy the stuff we pawned
and deliver it tonight.
I think not.
We got a positive lD on the two of you
selling stolen merchandise. Definitely.
We even got an lD
on that vehicle. Positively.
Plus, I caught you with the money
from the pawnshop, without question.
So quit your whining. Period.
Get in the car.
Mommy, where are you going?
Mommy has to go with the nice policeman
and straighten out a misunderstanding.
Can we go with you?
I don't think so, honey.
But it's Christmas Eve.
She's right. It's Christmas Eve.
Wipe that nice-guy look off.
Let's get out of here.
-You guys, back seat.
-It's Christmas Eve, honeybunch.
That's the eve before Christmas.
-I gotta help.
-Harvey, get back here.
-It's Christmas Eve.
-You wanna spend it in prison?
-No.
-And buckle up.
But it's Christmas Eve.
Officer!
-Officer, you've got the wrong people.
-Officer, don't listen to him. He's not well.
Come on, it's time for your medication.
Don't want to miss pudding at the home.
Come on.
-What?
-Those are the kidnappers!
-They're the FPD bandits.
-And they're not Santa's elf.
It's all true, officer...
...even the elf part.
If you want proof, look at our motor home.
It's full of stolen goods.
Cuff us.
Feel free to use these. Definitely.
I knew it was you two all along.
-Are you mad at me, honeybunch?
-A little.
But I'll have three to five years
to get over it.
When I get out, I promise you,
I'll make you proud.
I'll be the best criminal you ever saw.
I'll be mean. I'll be low-down.
I'll be vicious.
I'll be a snake. I'll be rotten.
Just like you, honey.
That's a beautiful dream, Harv.
I love you.
You two, in here. Let's go.
And you two...
...you can expect some community service
for your shenanigans.
Are you sure you can't make it
in time to spin?
There's no way. I'd have to catch
every light and drive 100 miles an hour.
Hold it. Gremp.
-What?
-He has to be in town by 6. Can you help?
Do I look like that nice a guy to you?
I hope not.
If it wasn't for us,
you'd have never caught the bandits.
-Yeah, it's Christmas Eve.
-I'll take those two in for you.
-'Tis the season to be jolly.
-Peace on earth. Goodwill toward men.
-Christmas Eve.
-Christmas Eve.
-Christmas Eve! Christmas Eve!
-Christmas Eve! Christmas Eve!
All right, all right! Shut up!
I know it's Christmas Eve.
Big deal!
You two, out of here and into that car.
The four of you, in here.
I love you, Gremp!
-Let's go, let's go.
-Get in the car, girls.
Tonight's jackpot is worth....
$1.3 million on:
-Win-O-Lotto!
-Win-O-Lotto!
What a drag. I got the siren going,
and there's no one on the street.
Okay, everybody, it's time for....
Win and spin.
And that means it's time
to spin the wheel, Ted.
-Here we go.
-All right!
-Win and spin!
-You heard her.
-Win and spin!
-Keep saying it.
-Win and spin! Win and spin!
-Here comes the ball.
Keep saying it.
You're still saying it.
And here it goes. The ball's gonna land.
Five hundred dollars!
Five hundred. You can get some
lovely frozen food with that.
Spin the wheel. You heard her.
-Win and spin!
-She might get it.
And it's gonna land on....
Oh, my goodness.
Fifty thousand dollars!
Yes. Yes. Careful,
don't get makeup on my tux.
Fifty grand. Yes. Calm down.
Oh, careful, your husband's
in the audience.
-We made it.
-Everybody, get out. Come on. Let's go.
-Let's get going.
-Merry Christmas, Gremp.
Yeah, yeah. Merry Christmas to you.
And good luck.
Definitely.
I hope we're not too late.
-Our last player tonight....
-Come on, we got to get in there.
It might be too late.
My name is Eddie Popko. I got
a winning ticket here. Nice seeing you. Bye!
Okay, we gotta hurry. The show's almost
over. Come on, girls, down here.
Sir, I'm Eddie Popko.
This is the winning ticket.
I'll do the big spin.
I gotta buy a ranch in Montana.
-Let us through.
-I can't let you in. Have a seat.
-The show's almost over.
-Wait a second-- I'll buy you lunch.
I'll buy you dinner. I'll buy you a car.
Let me through that door.
-Come back here.
-Tell the man you got a ticket. Run!
That's our show. Thank you for joining us
on this special Christmas Eve edition of....
-Win-O-Lotto.
-Wait, I got a ticket.
-Oh, what have we here?
-We got a winner.
Check it out.
What do you know? You are so cute.
-lt is a winner.
-It's my ticket! I'm the winner!
Well, hey, come on down.
We're trying. The man said,
"Come on down."
We're almost out of time.
Give the wheel a spin.
Okay, Steve. By the way,
I love your show, and I never miss it.
Oh, thanks. Neither do l.
Are you ready?
Yeah, I'm ready.
Wait. No, I'm not.
I'd like my two good-luck charms
to spin this one for me.
And whatever I win...
...I'm splitting between these girls
and their beautiful mother.
-Go for it.
-Okay.
One...
...two...
...three!
-Come on! Let's go!
-Hope it lands soon. We're going into news.
Bring me the ranch. Bring me-- Come on.
-Come on. Come on.
-Come on. Come on.
Come on. Jackpot. Come on!
-Come on. Come on.
-It's still going.
Jackpot. Come on.
Jackpot!
Mommy, you're missing all the fun.
No, I'm not, sweetheart.
Well, that's our show for tonight.
Stay tuned for the news,
and thanks for watching again.
All right, we bought everybody on my list
back their same gift.
Hey, you know, we got two extras here.
Oh, they're for Sarah and Julie.
Open them up.
-Princess Penny!
-Princess Penny!
-Mommy, look.
-Look!
-Thank you.
-Thank you.
You're welcome.
You're welcome too.
-We got a lot of deliveries to make.
-Then it's back to Grandma's for Christmas.
-We know how to get there.
-This time, let's go all together.
-Good idea.
-All right.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas.
-Merry Christmas. Happy New Year.
-Happy New Year.
Mommy in first.
Here's one.
-Here's one little elf.
-Here's another elf.
Got them.
-This is so much fun.
-Yeah, this is fun.
-We get to stay up all night like Santa.
-We'll see.
Hit it, girls.
Everybody!
That's not how you sing it.