Toilet Stories (2014) Movie Script
Herbert's datang.
Hello.
Punya money, Herbert?
Cukup untuk membeli beberapa high-tech Japanese toilets.
Kiri-atas saham.
mereka akan be a hit.
OK today. Money tomorrow. Double-meat.
Ok, pasti.
HERBERT TAPKEN
...is a orang yang berprinsip
Ada masalah, pussy?
- Tidak ada, kawan.
KEVIN AND TARKAN
...memiliki rencana besar untuk hari ini
Hi, sweetie.
Saya sangat stress.
Kamu tak dapat membayangkannya
PATRICIA SCHWACKE
...Tidak bergantung pada keberuntungan saja
MARTIN ROLFES
...Hanya ingin sendiri
No. I said 300 grams.
RENATE SCHOHUSEN
...Tidak akan membiarkan wol menutupi matanya
My God.
Uschi, gawat !
DR. MAXIMILIAN DIETRICH
...Selalu ada ketika dibutuhkan
OK, OK.
I'm coming.
MR. JANSEN
...Selalu benar
CHARLOTTE VON LAHN
...Orang yang Dapat membayangkan yang lebih
MANFRED KASUNKE
...Orang yang melihat hari berikutnya untuk kenikmatan
Very good.
Another 1000 meters.
LONI NORDAHL
...Orang yang ingin berada di atas podium (kemenangan).
Very consistent, Loni.
Very good.
Terutama on the last 400 meters.
Better than on Saturday.
How about...
..Target besok yang harus mencapai
dua persepuluh lebih cepat per lap.
Three.
Three?
Setidaknya saya bisa melakukannya tiga putaran
Fine.
Let's try it.
Tonight:
400 grams of pasta,
120 grams of lean poultry,
two apples and no chocolate.
And wawancara olahraga kamu.
Senang kau di sini, Ludmilla.
- Huh?
Kami Anti-Doping.
- What?
NADA mengatakannya kepada saya.
Kleinschmidt's coming.
- Oh, God.
What's wrong?
Kleinschmidt's coming.
Impossible.
I was checked two weeks ago.
Your European record on Saturday.
Saya sudah mengatakan bahwa tidak berusaha keras
pada akhir 50 meter,
But you didn't listen.
Saya coba
Mereka yang tercepat daripada catatan anda.
- Ini adalah Insulin.
We memiliki waktu 30 minutes untuk ke atas.
Apakah kamu mengambil sesuatu Sabtu kemarin, Loni?
1,000 epo and a vial of clenbulerol.
Yang telah disepakati, Doc.
38-17.
Dijual minggu ini: Rosi gunting taman.
Membuat halaman Anda terlihat sempurna tahun ini.
Sebuah garansi untuk lima tahun ke
depan hanya 14,95 Euro di Honnom Construclion!
Hello?
Hello?
Saat ini bahkan tak ada kait di toilet.
Is it made of cotton?
Maksud saya jaket Anda.
Hati-hati saat di Laundry.
Aku juga punya satu yang seperti itu,
Saya Membelinya di Heidelberg pada tahun 1963.
Sejak di bawa ke Laundry saat itu, jadi sudah 23 kali.
Ini bahkan tidak lagi cocok Werner,
dan dia jauh lebih kecil dari saya.
Maaf, tapi ini adalah toilet staf.
Anda adalah pria muda yang baik
dari departemen taman.
Aku pada istirahat makan siang.
Pernahkah Anda berada di Heidelberg?
I met my wife there.
You should go there some time.
To Heidelberg. It's worth it.
GOLD MEDAL CANDIDATES
But when people go on vacation nowadays,
most of them go as far away as possible.
America, Australia...
But it's so beautiful in Germany.
We always went
to the Bavarian Forest.
Every year, without exception.
But,
by now,
if you believe it or not,
I haven't been on vacation for years.
The obligations at home.
If only I'd known.
My God.
Do you have any toilet paper over there?
Do you have family?
I need some.
I asked if you have a family.
Yes, but I'm not married.
Children?
Two.
- Well then.
See?
You know about obligations.
Thanks.
I live with Werner.
Yeah, and now a situation has arisen
that may require our separation.
I don't really know
how to tell Werner that.
He has nobody but me.
"A situation has arisen?"
- I might have to go to prison.
What do you want from me?
I want to confess.
I want you to hear my confession.
Mrs. Schohusen?
My name's Herbert Tapken.
We talked on the phone yesterday.
Who? - It's concerning the brochure
for raising your husband's toilet seat.
I was in the neighborhood.
- I'm not prepared for visitors, Mr...
Tapken, I won't cause you any trouble, but
it's better to see your plumbing personally,
or I'd send you the wrong brochure.
Fine, if you're already here.
But lake off your shoes.
It's harder to vacuum at my age.
Of course, Mrs. Schohusen.
Nothing's better than sound technical advice.
Lots of people order online
and end up miserable.
It's a plumbing salesman for your toilet.
Calm down, Willi. I won't let anyone
like that palm something off on me.
Daisies.
Meadow daisies.
Here's the good old thing.
Washdown.
1970s.
- My Willi installed it himself back then.
Good work.
Some of my colleagues
could learn a thing or two from him.
My Willi always did it all himself at home.
Then all of a sudden...
Stop it, Mrs. Schohusen. My sister-in-law
had a stroke last year. She was 51.
I haven't eaten any meal since then.
- You don't eat meat anymore?
Because of the blood lipids.
- It wasn't the fat. I'm a good cook.
It can all add up, Mrs. Schohusen.
It was his blood pressure.
Have you seen the mosque on the corner?
Winkler Street.
Sure, I installed their plumbing.
Stunning building.
Very nice people.
- They're building a minaret. 30 meters high.
My Willi got so upset.
You're right, 30 meters is quite high,
Mrs. Schohusen.
But you called me
about the raised toilet seal.
The nurses recommended it.
The Washlet-G.
What's that?
The Mercedes of raised toilet seats.
The customer reactions
have been extraordinary.
I don't want a space ship.
I want a raised toilet seal.
I can sit Willi down on it,
but can't gel him off of the bowl again.
I'll be honest, Mrs. Schohusen.
- I hope so.
The body has to go.
The raised seals won't fit on it.
But my Willi installed the toilet himself.
Don't worry, I happen to have
an exhibit piece in my van.
You can pay me the wholesale price.
Right, you happen to have one here.
And I'd give you
a special price on the Washlet-G, too.
Young man, I've heard enough about
your Mercedes. I have to cook dinner.
Mrs. Schohusen?
I'll leave the brochure here for you.
Take it with you.
Have a nice evening, Mrs. Schohusen.
Awesome, man.
Look.
What was that?
- Mesut ...zil, man.
Stop, man.
- Why?
Are you gay or what, man?
- Calm down, man.
Know what I think?
He's gay.
Is he right?
Are you gay or what, huh?
Weren't you listening, man?
Tarkan asked you a question.
Don't got no respect?
You disrespecting me?
Are you antisocial or what?
Give us a smoke.
Sorry.
I don't smoke.
- What did you say, pops?
Yo, he just bumped into me.
Did you just bump into me or what?
You want trouble? You want trouble, huh?
You want some real trouble?
Are you a Nazi?
What now, dickhead?
Fucking Nazi.
You're taking a shower, dickface.
Hey, Nazi,
you stink.
He's done now.
It's his own fault, the Nazi cunt.
Kung fu and shit, right?
- You think you can do kung fu or what?
Sure, man.
Yo, that's gay shit. Watch.
That's kung fu.
Cool, man. Kung fu and shit, yeah?
But you forgot something.
- What'? - This Mr. Miyagi technique.
Wash on, wash off!
Gentlemen?
You want more?
Son of a bitch.
I don't know why Michi
just gave away our Kandinsky either.
For just 200,000.
Yes.
For some charity. Children or disabled
in Africa, what do I know'?
Charlotte?
Patricia.
Sweetie, I'll call you later, OK?
Sweetie!
It's so nice to see you.
Yes, really nice.
- It's been an eternity.
At your goose dinner.
Three or four months ago.
Exactly.
How's Constantin?
I wanted to gel in touch with you,
but I was so busy.
Our vacation home in Provence.
Then we were skiing in Aspen,
and this and that. You know the drill.
Sure, no problem.
You can't go to St. Moritz anymore.
It was such impudence last time:
We arrived and our suite
had been given to guess whom?
Russians.
Russians.
Can you imagine? They're everywhere now.
- Yes...
you indicated that last time, loo.
Sweetie,
I'm about to have a photo shoot for the press
for donating our Kandinsky,
but I need to confess something.
Well, you know.
I haven't called you
because I was so embarrassed last time.
Embarrassed?
- Well...
I bought magnificent geese
that were massaged for two years
and then Michi invited such people.
I was so ashamed.
Like the guy in jeans who Michi invited.
In jeans!
You mean Reiner'? - Exactly. He said his
father's an electrician in front of everyone.
Incredible.
I'll invite the caretaker next time, too.
His father's a carpenter.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
I found him quite likable.
- If you're into chimpanzees.
His chest hair was incredible.
I thought it was a toupee.
We spent some time together after dinner.
He was all charged up. Maybe that's why
I thought his dad was an electrician!
It was just a one-night stand.
As far as I'm concerned.
He still sends me texts.
Oh?
Well,
I should've known
you'd be uptight about it.
What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
But I don't regret it.
So... what have you been up to lately?
Working.
Working?
Surely you don't need to!
What does Constantin say about that?
Nothing.
Six weeks till the games.
We need a world record for gold.
No kidding, Ludmilla.
I told you we should send Loni
to a training camp in the Andes or somewhere.
Like all the other top athletes.
Never mind. We're here now and we'll fix it.
Dilution?
We'll manage, dear.
Manage what?
- To win gold. Your gold medal.
This is my life!
We all know that.
You're number one!
- Let's keep cool.
The anti-gold guys
are breathing down our necks.
And how?
- Substitute urine.
That's our only chance.
- It won't work.
Kleinschmidt busted Zimmermann
just last week.
That heptathlete...
Kleinschmidt's focused on the gold.
She'll stop at nothing to make headlines.
I've earned this.
Of course.
It's about a level playing field.
How did she do it?
Did Zimmennann hide the urine
in her vagina? - Yes.
We won't do that then.
We'll use the men's method.
96 to 8.
96 to 8.
My wife and daughter.
Sweet, aren't they'?
I've carried that picture around with me
for 30 years.
You know,
I normally picked them up in the car
when they'd been at Aunt Irmgard's,
but I was playing Skat that night.
Skat was usually on Wednesdays,
but that week was different.
So they look the bus.
So I...
came home and no one was there,
so I called Aunt Irmgard and she said...
"They took the bus
at 8:15 pm."
The next morning, the police came
into my office.
I'd specifically told them
to take the 7:47 PM bus,
while it was still light.
They always took the 7:47 bus.
That Heise guy,
they nabbed him soon after that, thank God.
Married, two kids,
a respectable job.
"The Beast of Barsbttel."
Maybe you've heard of him.
They had to let him go
due to a lack of evidence.
Everyone knew. Even the judge said,
"Heise did it."
Can you imagine?
Yes,
it was a difficult time for me.
Mr. Rolfes to gardening.
The worst part is,
people treat you like an outcast.
They cross the street
as if you had cholera.
As if I were contagious.
As if I'd done it.
If it wasn't for Gnther,
who knows?
Gnther?
Gnther Griegoleit
from Griegoleit Driving School.
He was always there for me.
Unfortunately, he later moved to Bielefeld.
What?
- Griegoleit.
He moved to Bielefeld.
What a shame.
Right.
- Mr. Rolfes to gardening, Mr. Rolfes.
Listen, I...
I'm very sorry...
about everything...
I don't mean to be rude...
Mr. Rolfes to gardening.
That's Werner.
We were celebrating his 60th.
A few years ago now, too.
Where's that?
At home.
In the cellar.
Are those bars?
What'
Here...
in the foreground.
The poles. They look like bars.
Yes.
It doesn't really concern me, but...
who is this Werner?
Werner Heise, the "Beast of Barsbttel."
I mean,
once he confessed,
I began calling him Werner.
Earlier, I'd called him Mr. Heise
He lives in your cellar?
- Yes.
Since when?
October 3rd, '79.
Our anniversary.
We always drink a beer to celebrate.
A nice dark ale.
Yes,
it was a bit strange for me at first, too.
But over time...
Humans are creatures of habit.
You've held him captive for 30 years?
It's no easy job, let me tell you.
But,
I don't want to complain.
We've really settled in since then.
And nobody's ever missed him?
What?
Heise.
I'd prefer if you call him "Werner."
No one's ever missed Werner?
Everyone hoped he'd disappear. When he
was gone they finally felt safe again.
That's how it was.
What do you think?
Think of what?
That I'm protecting people from Werner?
That he can't hurt anyone else?
It's vigilantism.
And if Werner were to...
I mean, you have two kids.
Both healthy, I hope.
Yes, I...
I mean,
sure, if...
he really did it, then...
That's lovely.
What?
What?
What's lovely?
Well, that you understand.
You know,
that means a lot to me.
I never said I understand.
Not directly,
but you did between the lines.
Werner's got it good at my place:
TV,
bathroom,
heating, kitchenette.
Built it all myself.
Sounds great.
Yes.
I thought so, too.
Until two days ago.
Two days ago?
Yes?
Yes, it's Mr. Tapken again,
from Tapken Bathrooms.
What now?
Please step aside,
Mrs. Schohusen.
You can't just...
- You know, Mrs. Schohusen.
I feel like
you got the wrong impression of me.
This is unacceptable, Mr. Tapken.
- I'd like to apologize,
Mrs. Schohusen.
My motto is always:
"Only the best for my customers
and a bit less if need be."
I should've told you that.
That's why we got our wires crossed.
I'm sorry.
I'll give you the exhibit piece.
Every kind of raised seat fits,
even the cheapest.
You should leave now, Mr. Tapken.
Good,
Mrs. Schohusen.
It's not the money, Mr. Tapken.
Willi's moving into a home soon.
Into a home?
A nursing home.
He moves in six weeks.
Then he must go, I understand.
You don't think I want him gone?
I'm not inferring that, Mrs. Schohusen.
You have to know what's best.
His nurse only comes twice a day
for 15 minutes.
That's the thanks you get
for paying insurance all these years.
The way this looks,
you have no choice anyway.
Willi can't even shower here.
Even though
great home-care setups do exist.
Our healthcare policies are scandalous.
I don't understand politics at all.
- Who does nowadays?
My Willi was interested in politics before
it became too much for his blood pressure.
Is it really necessary for male politicians
to bring their boyfriends on state visits?
That's how the world is these days,
Mrs. Schohusen.
It's terrible in those nursing homes.
What do you mean?
Just what kind of men do you think
are drawn to this female profession?
God!
That's how it is nowadays.
But nurses in general are paid so little,
you're lucky if they even speak German.
Willi already had a stroke
because of that minaret and everything.
The doctor said
the fat was mostly to blame.
I'm a good cook.
You have to believe me.
Of course, Mrs. Schohusen.
Even so,
Willi still has six weeks here at home.
That counts, too.
He should be comfortable on the toilet.
We can do that with a cheap model.
That'd be lovely.
I know how much those homes cost.
If I knew Willi was moving out soon,
I would've never suggested the Washlet-G.
You'd only do that if you didn't want
strangers taking care of him.
I don't want that.
- I know. I know,
Mrs. Schohusen.
I'll cross my fingers
they let you keep the house a bit longer,
considering all the costs you'll soon have.
We still have our savings, Mr. Tapken.
If you help us,
Willi might not have to go at all.
First, an enema.
Bring me some muesli bars, please.
Ludmilla? A coffee for me.
Three tablespoons of sugar and no milk,
if you'd be so kind. - Sure, doctor.
We'll place the urine in your intestine.
First, we need to flush it out to ensure
it won't be expelled by a bowel movement.
That'll also prevent
E.coli bacteria from contaminating...
the sample.
They check for that too?
Count on it.
Don't underestimate our enemy.
I suggest
you go and kneel by the toilet.
The enema can work fast.
OK, Doc.
Pants down?
After your little refreshment, gentlemen,
please allow me to introduce myself.
They call me, "Le Dude."
A "stage name," if you will,
that they gave lo me in Algeria.
Lgion d'honneur.
Foreign legion.
That was long ago.
I'll kill you, man.
- Not likely.
Since only one of you, only one,
will be leaving this room alive today.
I prefer to work with
objects from everyday life.
Commodities
that can be purchased
in any ordinary supermarket.
Commodities that can be found
in this ordinary bag, for example.
Which you so carelessly threw
into the corner earlier.
Shut your mouth, Nazi!
Let me be clear:
I have no prejudices,
neither religious, social, nor any other.
I treat every person with their all due...
respect.
- What kind of old motherfucker are you?
Fucking bastard.
Bastard.
Fuck, man.
Gentlemen,
I'm now going to strip your feet.
I must say, messieurs: You've got talent.
You're as ruthless
as you are consistent.
Nevertheless,
today I'll be conveying to you
that our common inclinations
and a certain degree of style and class
need not be mutually exclusive.
No.
We now need silence, gentlemen.
Absolute silence.
Silence, s'il vous plat.
You're about to enjoy
a sample from my area of special expertise.
An amuse-gueule,
so to speak.
I apologize in advance
for the smell of burning flesh.
If you're not used to it,
the smell can be slightly nauseating.
He still sends you text messages?
Constantin? Why would he?
Reiner.
Oh, him.
I must've made an impression on him.
But tell me,
what actually brings you
to this charity auction?
I like a photo by Sophie Calle
that's on auction.
Really?
Maybe you can get it cheap.
Our Kadinsky only went for 200,000.
I mean it's for a good cause, right?
Despite the press,
I think it's good you came.
That's in the paper?
Strange.
Michi and I agreed
not to let that news spread.
What do you mean?
The pregnancy. What else?
You're pregnant?
I though you knew.
From the newspaper?
No, I didn't know that.
I should actually read Michi the riot act,
but because he's wanted a child for so long,
it's understandable.
Well, at least I'm prepared
for the paparazzi out there now.
It gets better though.
Michi proposed to me.
Congratulations. You'd wanted that.
In front of his Japanese business friends.
Can you imagine? Incredibly sweet.
Listen:
Entre was Kobe beef carpaccio.
Their legs are broken at birth
so they can't go hurting themselves.
Suddenly, Michi stood up
and festively clinked his wine glass.
Everyone stopped eating, of course.
He looked around sternly,
and asked me to be his wife.
Can you imagine all the Japanese faces?
They must've thought Michi would sign a deal.
It was so romantic.
And the dinner?
You could buy a small car for that price.
Excuse me, can't you see
we're having a conversation?
Yes, you. Can't you do that later?
Bye.
Sweetie,
you know what I just realized?
You have to be my maid of honor.
Me?
- I can picture it.
What a night it'll be.
You and Constantin at our table.
Constantin and I are over.
- Over?
You mean...?
Did he walk out on you?
Sweetie, come here.
Don't worry. Everyone knew
Constantin doesn't miss a trick.
Cosmetic improvements alone
won't cut it here,
to be perfectly honest.
I don't want you to get your hopes up.
The main valve?
Mrs. Schohusen, would you be so kind
and hand me my briefcase, please?
It's not that
I wouldn't like to sell you anything,
but in the end,
optimal care must be guaranteed.
That's my responsibility.
Now.
Let's see.
So...
Lead piping.
That makes sense.
What makes sense?
Well, I'm no doctor,
and I don't want to go
making assumptions.
But you notice things over the years.
Just like how they fooled everyone
about asbestos for years.
You think the lead caused his stroke?
I was starting to worry
it was the fatty food,
although I only ever cooked
so well for my Willi.
You don't need to blame yourself anymore.
Be honest, Mr. Tapken.
How much would it cost
to have Willi stay here?
A handicap-accessible shower
and lead piping replacements
would cost almost exactly 7,500 Euros.
Additionally,
there'd be a raised toilet seal
with support rail,
which start at 3,200 Euros.
That's nearly 11 ,000 Euros.
Which is why, Mrs. Schohusen,
I can't help you any further.
Maybe there's enough in our bank book.
Well,
shrouds have no pockets anyway.
Quite true, quite true,
Mrs. Schohusen.
If you're serious about it,
Mrs. Schohusen...
then...
I'll have to show you...
the "Washlet-G"
just one last time.
Heated seat, hot air fan,
ozone-deodorizer, massage function,
programmable water jets,
auto-flushing, auto-lid opener,
and a memory chip
that records the limes of use.
That's just...
- And here's the kicker:
For a small extra fee,
the Washlet-G
comes with a start-up pack for seniors.
Catch words: "medical sensors."
Blood sugar levels
can be calculated in the urine.
Pulse, blood pressure and fat levels
can all be measured
and sent directly over the Internet
to the family doctor.
We don't have Internet.
Don't worry, Mrs. Schohusen.
My brother-in-law has a little company.
It'll all be activated within a week.
How much is this model?
Naturally, I'll give you
a 15% discount, Mrs. Schohusen.
With the Washlet-G,
it would cost just 18,137 Euros,
including sales tax.
- We don't have that much, Mr. Tapken.
We can easily solve that
with a credit from our principal bank.
All included.
Willi always took care of things like this.
Of course,
you don't have to take the Washlet-G.
But,
if that was my wife,
I wouldn't want to deprive her of it.
You know what? I'll go get Willi.
You can explain it all to him.
Mrs. Schohusen,
all the fuss might be too much for him,
for his blood pressure.
Nonsense. Willi enjoys having visitors, loo.
E-coli bacteria often make their way
into the urethra and bladder,
causing infections.
Particularly in women.
The female urethra is relatively short.
But inflammatory cells
should be present in the urine, too.
If not...
- I'll be suspected.
I saw your new commercial.
The sandwich spread.
- "Marziponi?"
"With Marziponi, gold for Loni!"
- It tastes revolting. - I figured.
The muesli bars.
- Great, she's to eat them immediately.
"Holzknecht's mass movements"
occur twice a day in the large intestine.
They're triggered
by an expansion of the duodenum
after we ingest food or liquids.
Eating now will prevent such movements
from occurring at the wrong moment,
causing the reservoir to slip out of place.
Good, Loni.
We're nearly done.
It's pushing.
I have to go.
- Do whatever you think is right...
but please, let me finish.
I haven't told you everything yet.
What else is there?
The most important part.
The reason for my confession.
Griegoleit did it.
What?
- Gnther Griegoleit
from Griegoleit Driving School.
The one who moved to Bielefeld.
Until two days ago, I didn't know they could
use DNA to solve cold cases, either.
Griegoleit of all people.
But you said that Heise...
Werner.
That Werner confessed.
You know what I think?
Werner lied.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't want to badmouth Werner.
And maybe it was my fault.
I said it again and again:
"Heise,
if you finally tell the truth,
you can live here in comfort.
If you don't,
then we have a problem."
Eventually, he came to understand that
and, after he confessed,
our relationship improved overnight.
Then I bought him the TV.
And every Sunday we have
Kasseler pork with sauerkraut,
and pudding.
"Kasseler pork with sauerkraut."
- Every Sunday. His favorite dish.
You could even say
a kind of friendship has developed.
Crazy, right?
Can I have it back, Father?
- What?
The photo. Can I have it back?
Little Marcel has lost his mommy.
Please pick him up at the Info Center.
And have you talked to...
Have you talked to Werner about...
this DNA evidence?
I think it's best he doesn't find out.
Excuse me?
- I wasn't sure, but...
now that you've heard my confession,
I see more clearly.
Wait.
I think you should let him go.
Werner is 72.
If I let him go, I'll go to jail.
Who'll take care of him then?
Will you?
No, but...
there are people who deal with these things.
I mean,
people who know what they're doing.
Surely it...
concerns the whole of society.
I really think
you should consider freeing him.
Hear me?
Are you still there?
We now come to...
disinfection.
L'eau-de-vie alisier d'Alsace.
Hawthorn brandy from Alsace.
The French appreciate pleasure.
I learned that there.
42% by volume.
A feast for the senses.
You see, gentlemen,
practicing altruism is also part of my job.
The medical side of my work
was always a joy.
As a young man, I wanted to become a doctor
before dedicating myself...
to a higher calling.
I was your age.
You have something to say?
We're really sorry.
We're so sorry. We won't...
do it again, I swear...
Gentlemen, you surprise me.
I'm no educator.
I'm not here to teach you,
get revenge
or make moral judgments.
I'm a sadist.
Your pain is my pleasure. That's all.
You of all people will understand that.
Right?
Although you're from a generation
whose approach to pain
tends to be rather more like fast food
than Nouvelle Cuisine.
But let's not get lost
in overly philosophical reflections.
Let's rather turn our attention
to the things for which
we've gathered here today.
I just recently bought these rose shears
in the garden department of a hardware store.
Gentlemen?
What are you doing here?
This bathroom is closed.
Forgive me.
My prostate.
We're looking for two juveniles.
- Between 17 and 18. A German and a Turk.
I haven't seen anything.
What's that smell?
I fear that was me. Veal roulade with celery.
Those your things?
Yes, why?
Finish up here.
I'm removing the enema.
Your coffee, Doctor.
- Thank you, Ludmilla. Very kind.
Filter coffee?
It's good, Ludmilla.
Is it hot enough?
Spot on.
Enough sugar?
- Perfect.
Normally used for men.
Reservoir.
Outlet.
Are you on medication?
Any illnesses?
Kidney problems? Liver disease?
Inherited conditions? Metabolic problems?
- No.
We need your urine.
150 ml.
Quick.
It's about to get serious.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
What now?
What do you mean?
All alone?
I'm not alone.
- You have a new boyfriend?
What does he do professionally?
- Children's furniture.
That's...
great!
One second. I have to...
Honey!
I thought you were playing golf.
It's sweet of you to think of me anyway.
Sure.
You know I'm being careful.
Guess who I've just met. Charlotte.
Did you know that she and Constantin...
You knew? And did you know...
You knew that, too?
With Reiner?
Oh.
Yes...
Charlotte also said...
there's something about us in the paper.
Honey, can we talk later?
You've gotten me
into an incredibly awkward situation.
I'll call you later.
I have lo sort things out here.
You know...
the text messages from Reiner...
that happened a bit longer ago
than you might've assumed earlier.
Hey, if your Reiner makes kids' furniture
maybe he could...
make some for us.
I'm sure he'll send you a catalog.
He even has a catalog? That's great!
Here's his card.
And his business is OK?
What?
He owns Captain Kiddies?
They have 300 stores.
That's not a carpenter's.
You got mixed up
because his dad's a carpenter.
Weird, he didn't say.
Anyway. It doesn't matter.
So what did it say in the paper?
Michi sounded strange on the phone.
Read it yourself.
Sounds intriguing.
"Hellweg Pharma goes bust.
Managing Director,
Hans-Michael Nsser-Vonnwinkel
files for insolvency."
My God. How embarrassing.
And now I'm meant to pose for photos?
They'll think,
"Our poor cousin from back east is here."
Hans-Michael? It's me.
You didn't want to worry me? What a joke.
Nobody's ever done this to me.
Have you any idea what I'm going through?
They'll roast me alive.
No, don't come here. Never come again, OK?
I can't.
No, I won't listen.
You should've thought about that earlier.
Come on, Willi.
Mr. Tapken wants to show you something.
Don't get worked up, Willi. That was just...
the old floor lamp. Stupid thing!
There, and let's go see...
Mr. Tapken.
That's it.
Yes. Good. There.
The door...
There.
That's Mr. Tapken.
From Tapken Bathrooms.
He wants to help us
so you can slay here.
Hello, Mr. Schohusen.
Well...
Go on, Mr. Tapken.
Willi understands much more than you think.
Like your wife said,
the main thing
is to improve
your quality of life...
Well, we thought...
I'll give you that toilet for free
because the attachments won't fit on yours.
What about that Chinese model
you have on sale?
It's a direct line to our doctor.
In case something happens, Willi.
Mr. Tapken's brother-in-law will sort it out.
- Sure.
But...
Your wife and I already
discussed the Washlet-G
from Japan.
- With a heated seat so you're nice and warm.
One of the model's...
many features.
And Mr. Tapken
will sort out the bank credit for us.
I assure you, Mr. Schohusen:
It's all the very best...
Asian...
workmanship. - Then Mr. Tapken
will sell us a new shower and pipes,
so we don't poison ourselves with the lead.
- Like I said,
I'm not a doctor...
I can't...
If only we'd known sooner. Right, Willi?
The doctor said it was the fatty food.
But I always cooked so well for you.
Know what, Mr. Tapken? I'll go and see
how much is in our savings book.
Mrs. Schohusen, that's...
You can...
Well.
Like I was saying to your wife:
great work.
Really great work.
Mr. Schohusen.
If I may, Mr. Schohusen?
Everything will be sorted soon,
Mr. Schohusen.
You alright, Mr. Schohusen?
Mrs. Schohusen?
I think you should...
- Just a moment.
Oh my God.
Wetting your hair with these precious drops
is a sign of my respect.
I hope you appreciate that.
Alors,
flamb..
A votre sant.
As I mentioned,
only one of you will leave this room alive.
However, I don't presume to play God.
That'd be foolhardy and wouldn't
do Him justice. It's up to you, gentlemen...
to make this decision.
I advise you not to chicken out.
Otherwise I'll use
this exquisite French liquid
to inflame every hair
on your heads.
Gentlemen, I thank you in advance
for the wonderful day you've granted me.
Un, deux, trois,
on y va!
Gentlemen.
This is for the substitute urine.
After that stupid incident
This is for the substitute urine.
After that stupid incident
with the heptathlete,
we can't place it in your vagina.
But Kleinschmidt watches you urinating
while keeping an eye on your hands,
so you couldn't open it
with a fingernail anyway.
Kleinschmidt has no shame.
Go on.
Many inject the substitute urine
into the athlete's bladder with a catheter.
That's unhygienic,
so we'll use the men's method.
The reservoir.
When it's full, we can't insert it,
hence the catheter.
With the vessel in the rectum,
we can use the catheter
to fill it with substitute urine.
The outlet.
It'll be in your sphincter.
So you have to... - ...clench.
Good, Loni. I like thoughtful people.
When I remove the catheter,
until you give the sample,
you mustn't relax.
Or it was all in vain.
Ingenious.
- But not my invention.
It's time.
Should I kneel?
Stand against the wall, bend over
and support yourself gently with your hands.
Did you just break up with him?
You're having a baby.
It's not his.
It's not?
He doesn't know, of course.
He wouldn't have proposed. And he couldn't
get me pregnant. What was I to do?
Wait for him to throw me out
after a younger woman shows up?
Or when he realizes
I'm not his class after all?
And now?
Don't know.
Well,
there's the father, too.
Whose is it?
Marc-Justin's.
My yoga teacher.
Yoga.
- Yes.
I took it up as preparation for tennis.
Tennis.
- Right.
Mental preparation.
For tennis.
With yoga.
And you really want to leave Michi?
And everything you've built up.
"Built up?" It's all gone.
"Hamburg. Hellweg Pharma's
insolvency application
will put an end
to the iconic German firm's 100-year history.
Insiders blame management's
speculative trading..."
Enough already!
'While 1,000 workers demonstrated
outside the factory to preserve their jobs,
union officials criticized
the Supervisory Board's decision
to award managing director
Hans-Michael Nsser-Vonnwinkel
a golden handshake
of around 35 million Euros."
Well,
after everything Michi's done
for the company.
"Last week, Nsser-Vonnwinkel
is also said to have sold shares
worth 15 million Euros on the stock market."
Strange. He never told me that.
"Nsser-Vonnwinkel
dismissed all accusations as absurd.
'Germany's envy culture disgusts me,'
he said.
With his fianc, he therefore plans
to relocate to Switzerland."
To the Russians?
It's been a long time
since you were last in Switzerland.
Yes.
Maybe you're right.
Don't get me wrong, but...
I think I was confused earlier.
Sure.
I understand.
Hormones and everything.
Michi's a great guy.
You can say that again.
There you are.
Michi.
My angel.
Sorry I reacted like that.
I was in shock.
I didn't want you and our little darling
to worry about these silly things.
God only knows how much I love you.
I love you too, my angel.
Unbelievable.
We have over 18,000 Euros in savings.
I haven't offered you anything, Mr. Tapken.
Thanks.
Brandy.
Well,
I think you should sleep on it.
Thanks, but I don't need to.
My Willi always says: "if people give you
time to consider, they're being honest."
He's nodded off. He often does these days.
Then we shouldn't wake him up.
- Nonsense.
Willi doesn't wake up so fast.
I have a lot of appointments.
Let's talk tomorrow?
Fat chance, young man.
Where do I sign?
Of course.
Up to you.
That's the contract
for your pipe replacement and new shower,
for 7,500 Euros.
Here,
please.
And this...
is the contract for the Washlet-G.
The total is 18,175 Euros
including delivery,
installation, and sales tax.
Here, to confirm
you've read our terms and conditions.
And for the credit bureau.
I'm so glad Willi can stay here now.
Me too, Mrs. Schohusen.
Ah, Mrs. Schohusen,
in the "Seniors' Start-Up Pack,"
the Washlet-G...
comes with a toilet.
- So take this one with you.
Would you be so kind, Mrs. Schohusen?
Have a nice evening, Mrs. Schohusen.
You too, Mr. Tapken.
Thanks a million.
So...
So...
Please relax.
Loosen up.
There...
Nearly there.
OK, when I say, "Now..."
- ...I clench.
And...
now.
All the best.
If there's anything else...
Thanks, Doc.
No problem. It's my job.
Really very good filter coffee.
I'll be going.
We can't risk me running into Kleinschmidt.
Oh...
For your steroid acne.
Twice daily. For the award ceremony.
You think of everything, Doctor.
- Thanks.
Ladies.
Goodbye, Doctor.
- See you, Doc.
He's a great doctor.
A real professional.
SIX WEEKS LATER
SIX WEEKS LATER
Ladies and gentlemen,
now to the women's
200-meter freestyle final.
Representing Germany: Loni Nordahl.
Our reporter, Frank Wenzel, is there.
Over to you, Frank.
Welcome to this dream final with
the hotly-tipped favorite, Loni Nordahl.
Nordahl is up against
Nebraska's world record-holder, Page Halmen.
Will Loni get revenge
for her painful defeat in Oslo?
It's Team Germany's last chance for a medal.
In lane 6: Loni Nordahl,
carrying the whole nation's hopes.
Two beers, please.
Her goal: That coveted place
on the podium. Loni wants gold.
Trainer Ludmilla Svoboda says silver
would be a crushing disappointment.
Real-life drama, ladies and gentlemen.
It's rare for us to sit around
and have nothing we're more worried about.
Cross your fingers that Loni
has a better start than last year in Oslo.
We all know the start is her weakness.
And certain things
recur to certain people...
For you.
A few seconds to go.
Loni Nordahl in lane 6.
The 25-year-old from Brandenburg makes a..
And they're off.
Avery bad start.
Page Halmen and Suntje van Geuns
set an unbelievable pace on the first lap.
Loni's a fighter,
but she's so far behind
that even for her, it's going to be...
It's always the same.
What a disappointment.
The bubble will have to burst.
Loni's doing everything to catch up,
but Page Halmen seems unbeatable today.
Loni has thrown everything away.
How frustrating, ladies and...
Oh, sweetie,
it's wonderful here.
Wild horses couldn't drag me back to Germany.
Just a moment.
Russian!
Better?
Oh, Michi really fusses over me.
Russian again!
The final lap.
Will Halmen or van Geuns get gold?
Both going for a world record. Behind them,
Loni gains ground, trailing by a length.
Loni's catching up!
One centimeter at a time!
Willi, it's the final.
I'll turn it up.
She overtakes the Dutchwoman!
- Right behind Page Halmen!
Like a barracuda through the pool.
Aggressive...
...elegant, quick as a shot!
- Page Halmen is losing steam.
Loni, come on! - You can do it!
- 80 million people are cheering you on!
She has the American in her sights.
Nearly there!
Neck and neck!
Unbelievable. Come on, Loni!
- Who's got the stronger attack?
Pull, barracuda, pull!
And...
gold!
World record!
- Gold for Germany!
Loni Nordahl, the Brandenburg Barracuda,
wins gold for Germany.
The Brandenburg Barracuda!
Sport fans: Loni Nordahl has beaten
the world record by an incredible...
And secures her gold medal.
Incredible scenes are taking place
at the poolside.
Trainer Ludmilla Svoboda
and team doctor Maxe Dietrich
are embracing.
This is their win, too.
Only teamwork brings this kind of success.
A true picture of happiness.
What a sight, ladies and gentlemen.
She's smiling.
She's glowing. Our Golden Loni.
What must she be thinking about?
Her brutally tough preparations, perhaps?
One thing's certain: Few athletes
deserve this triumph more than Loni Nordahl.
I don't know about you,
but I've got goosebumps.
Hello.
Punya money, Herbert?
Cukup untuk membeli beberapa high-tech Japanese toilets.
Kiri-atas saham.
mereka akan be a hit.
OK today. Money tomorrow. Double-meat.
Ok, pasti.
HERBERT TAPKEN
...is a orang yang berprinsip
Ada masalah, pussy?
- Tidak ada, kawan.
KEVIN AND TARKAN
...memiliki rencana besar untuk hari ini
Hi, sweetie.
Saya sangat stress.
Kamu tak dapat membayangkannya
PATRICIA SCHWACKE
...Tidak bergantung pada keberuntungan saja
MARTIN ROLFES
...Hanya ingin sendiri
No. I said 300 grams.
RENATE SCHOHUSEN
...Tidak akan membiarkan wol menutupi matanya
My God.
Uschi, gawat !
DR. MAXIMILIAN DIETRICH
...Selalu ada ketika dibutuhkan
OK, OK.
I'm coming.
MR. JANSEN
...Selalu benar
CHARLOTTE VON LAHN
...Orang yang Dapat membayangkan yang lebih
MANFRED KASUNKE
...Orang yang melihat hari berikutnya untuk kenikmatan
Very good.
Another 1000 meters.
LONI NORDAHL
...Orang yang ingin berada di atas podium (kemenangan).
Very consistent, Loni.
Very good.
Terutama on the last 400 meters.
Better than on Saturday.
How about...
..Target besok yang harus mencapai
dua persepuluh lebih cepat per lap.
Three.
Three?
Setidaknya saya bisa melakukannya tiga putaran
Fine.
Let's try it.
Tonight:
400 grams of pasta,
120 grams of lean poultry,
two apples and no chocolate.
And wawancara olahraga kamu.
Senang kau di sini, Ludmilla.
- Huh?
Kami Anti-Doping.
- What?
NADA mengatakannya kepada saya.
Kleinschmidt's coming.
- Oh, God.
What's wrong?
Kleinschmidt's coming.
Impossible.
I was checked two weeks ago.
Your European record on Saturday.
Saya sudah mengatakan bahwa tidak berusaha keras
pada akhir 50 meter,
But you didn't listen.
Saya coba
Mereka yang tercepat daripada catatan anda.
- Ini adalah Insulin.
We memiliki waktu 30 minutes untuk ke atas.
Apakah kamu mengambil sesuatu Sabtu kemarin, Loni?
1,000 epo and a vial of clenbulerol.
Yang telah disepakati, Doc.
38-17.
Dijual minggu ini: Rosi gunting taman.
Membuat halaman Anda terlihat sempurna tahun ini.
Sebuah garansi untuk lima tahun ke
depan hanya 14,95 Euro di Honnom Construclion!
Hello?
Hello?
Saat ini bahkan tak ada kait di toilet.
Is it made of cotton?
Maksud saya jaket Anda.
Hati-hati saat di Laundry.
Aku juga punya satu yang seperti itu,
Saya Membelinya di Heidelberg pada tahun 1963.
Sejak di bawa ke Laundry saat itu, jadi sudah 23 kali.
Ini bahkan tidak lagi cocok Werner,
dan dia jauh lebih kecil dari saya.
Maaf, tapi ini adalah toilet staf.
Anda adalah pria muda yang baik
dari departemen taman.
Aku pada istirahat makan siang.
Pernahkah Anda berada di Heidelberg?
I met my wife there.
You should go there some time.
To Heidelberg. It's worth it.
GOLD MEDAL CANDIDATES
But when people go on vacation nowadays,
most of them go as far away as possible.
America, Australia...
But it's so beautiful in Germany.
We always went
to the Bavarian Forest.
Every year, without exception.
But,
by now,
if you believe it or not,
I haven't been on vacation for years.
The obligations at home.
If only I'd known.
My God.
Do you have any toilet paper over there?
Do you have family?
I need some.
I asked if you have a family.
Yes, but I'm not married.
Children?
Two.
- Well then.
See?
You know about obligations.
Thanks.
I live with Werner.
Yeah, and now a situation has arisen
that may require our separation.
I don't really know
how to tell Werner that.
He has nobody but me.
"A situation has arisen?"
- I might have to go to prison.
What do you want from me?
I want to confess.
I want you to hear my confession.
Mrs. Schohusen?
My name's Herbert Tapken.
We talked on the phone yesterday.
Who? - It's concerning the brochure
for raising your husband's toilet seat.
I was in the neighborhood.
- I'm not prepared for visitors, Mr...
Tapken, I won't cause you any trouble, but
it's better to see your plumbing personally,
or I'd send you the wrong brochure.
Fine, if you're already here.
But lake off your shoes.
It's harder to vacuum at my age.
Of course, Mrs. Schohusen.
Nothing's better than sound technical advice.
Lots of people order online
and end up miserable.
It's a plumbing salesman for your toilet.
Calm down, Willi. I won't let anyone
like that palm something off on me.
Daisies.
Meadow daisies.
Here's the good old thing.
Washdown.
1970s.
- My Willi installed it himself back then.
Good work.
Some of my colleagues
could learn a thing or two from him.
My Willi always did it all himself at home.
Then all of a sudden...
Stop it, Mrs. Schohusen. My sister-in-law
had a stroke last year. She was 51.
I haven't eaten any meal since then.
- You don't eat meat anymore?
Because of the blood lipids.
- It wasn't the fat. I'm a good cook.
It can all add up, Mrs. Schohusen.
It was his blood pressure.
Have you seen the mosque on the corner?
Winkler Street.
Sure, I installed their plumbing.
Stunning building.
Very nice people.
- They're building a minaret. 30 meters high.
My Willi got so upset.
You're right, 30 meters is quite high,
Mrs. Schohusen.
But you called me
about the raised toilet seal.
The nurses recommended it.
The Washlet-G.
What's that?
The Mercedes of raised toilet seats.
The customer reactions
have been extraordinary.
I don't want a space ship.
I want a raised toilet seal.
I can sit Willi down on it,
but can't gel him off of the bowl again.
I'll be honest, Mrs. Schohusen.
- I hope so.
The body has to go.
The raised seals won't fit on it.
But my Willi installed the toilet himself.
Don't worry, I happen to have
an exhibit piece in my van.
You can pay me the wholesale price.
Right, you happen to have one here.
And I'd give you
a special price on the Washlet-G, too.
Young man, I've heard enough about
your Mercedes. I have to cook dinner.
Mrs. Schohusen?
I'll leave the brochure here for you.
Take it with you.
Have a nice evening, Mrs. Schohusen.
Awesome, man.
Look.
What was that?
- Mesut ...zil, man.
Stop, man.
- Why?
Are you gay or what, man?
- Calm down, man.
Know what I think?
He's gay.
Is he right?
Are you gay or what, huh?
Weren't you listening, man?
Tarkan asked you a question.
Don't got no respect?
You disrespecting me?
Are you antisocial or what?
Give us a smoke.
Sorry.
I don't smoke.
- What did you say, pops?
Yo, he just bumped into me.
Did you just bump into me or what?
You want trouble? You want trouble, huh?
You want some real trouble?
Are you a Nazi?
What now, dickhead?
Fucking Nazi.
You're taking a shower, dickface.
Hey, Nazi,
you stink.
He's done now.
It's his own fault, the Nazi cunt.
Kung fu and shit, right?
- You think you can do kung fu or what?
Sure, man.
Yo, that's gay shit. Watch.
That's kung fu.
Cool, man. Kung fu and shit, yeah?
But you forgot something.
- What'? - This Mr. Miyagi technique.
Wash on, wash off!
Gentlemen?
You want more?
Son of a bitch.
I don't know why Michi
just gave away our Kandinsky either.
For just 200,000.
Yes.
For some charity. Children or disabled
in Africa, what do I know'?
Charlotte?
Patricia.
Sweetie, I'll call you later, OK?
Sweetie!
It's so nice to see you.
Yes, really nice.
- It's been an eternity.
At your goose dinner.
Three or four months ago.
Exactly.
How's Constantin?
I wanted to gel in touch with you,
but I was so busy.
Our vacation home in Provence.
Then we were skiing in Aspen,
and this and that. You know the drill.
Sure, no problem.
You can't go to St. Moritz anymore.
It was such impudence last time:
We arrived and our suite
had been given to guess whom?
Russians.
Russians.
Can you imagine? They're everywhere now.
- Yes...
you indicated that last time, loo.
Sweetie,
I'm about to have a photo shoot for the press
for donating our Kandinsky,
but I need to confess something.
Well, you know.
I haven't called you
because I was so embarrassed last time.
Embarrassed?
- Well...
I bought magnificent geese
that were massaged for two years
and then Michi invited such people.
I was so ashamed.
Like the guy in jeans who Michi invited.
In jeans!
You mean Reiner'? - Exactly. He said his
father's an electrician in front of everyone.
Incredible.
I'll invite the caretaker next time, too.
His father's a carpenter.
- Oh, it doesn't matter.
I found him quite likable.
- If you're into chimpanzees.
His chest hair was incredible.
I thought it was a toupee.
We spent some time together after dinner.
He was all charged up. Maybe that's why
I thought his dad was an electrician!
It was just a one-night stand.
As far as I'm concerned.
He still sends me texts.
Oh?
Well,
I should've known
you'd be uptight about it.
What's that supposed to mean?
- Nothing.
But I don't regret it.
So... what have you been up to lately?
Working.
Working?
Surely you don't need to!
What does Constantin say about that?
Nothing.
Six weeks till the games.
We need a world record for gold.
No kidding, Ludmilla.
I told you we should send Loni
to a training camp in the Andes or somewhere.
Like all the other top athletes.
Never mind. We're here now and we'll fix it.
Dilution?
We'll manage, dear.
Manage what?
- To win gold. Your gold medal.
This is my life!
We all know that.
You're number one!
- Let's keep cool.
The anti-gold guys
are breathing down our necks.
And how?
- Substitute urine.
That's our only chance.
- It won't work.
Kleinschmidt busted Zimmermann
just last week.
That heptathlete...
Kleinschmidt's focused on the gold.
She'll stop at nothing to make headlines.
I've earned this.
Of course.
It's about a level playing field.
How did she do it?
Did Zimmennann hide the urine
in her vagina? - Yes.
We won't do that then.
We'll use the men's method.
96 to 8.
96 to 8.
My wife and daughter.
Sweet, aren't they'?
I've carried that picture around with me
for 30 years.
You know,
I normally picked them up in the car
when they'd been at Aunt Irmgard's,
but I was playing Skat that night.
Skat was usually on Wednesdays,
but that week was different.
So they look the bus.
So I...
came home and no one was there,
so I called Aunt Irmgard and she said...
"They took the bus
at 8:15 pm."
The next morning, the police came
into my office.
I'd specifically told them
to take the 7:47 PM bus,
while it was still light.
They always took the 7:47 bus.
That Heise guy,
they nabbed him soon after that, thank God.
Married, two kids,
a respectable job.
"The Beast of Barsbttel."
Maybe you've heard of him.
They had to let him go
due to a lack of evidence.
Everyone knew. Even the judge said,
"Heise did it."
Can you imagine?
Yes,
it was a difficult time for me.
Mr. Rolfes to gardening.
The worst part is,
people treat you like an outcast.
They cross the street
as if you had cholera.
As if I were contagious.
As if I'd done it.
If it wasn't for Gnther,
who knows?
Gnther?
Gnther Griegoleit
from Griegoleit Driving School.
He was always there for me.
Unfortunately, he later moved to Bielefeld.
What?
- Griegoleit.
He moved to Bielefeld.
What a shame.
Right.
- Mr. Rolfes to gardening, Mr. Rolfes.
Listen, I...
I'm very sorry...
about everything...
I don't mean to be rude...
Mr. Rolfes to gardening.
That's Werner.
We were celebrating his 60th.
A few years ago now, too.
Where's that?
At home.
In the cellar.
Are those bars?
What'
Here...
in the foreground.
The poles. They look like bars.
Yes.
It doesn't really concern me, but...
who is this Werner?
Werner Heise, the "Beast of Barsbttel."
I mean,
once he confessed,
I began calling him Werner.
Earlier, I'd called him Mr. Heise
He lives in your cellar?
- Yes.
Since when?
October 3rd, '79.
Our anniversary.
We always drink a beer to celebrate.
A nice dark ale.
Yes,
it was a bit strange for me at first, too.
But over time...
Humans are creatures of habit.
You've held him captive for 30 years?
It's no easy job, let me tell you.
But,
I don't want to complain.
We've really settled in since then.
And nobody's ever missed him?
What?
Heise.
I'd prefer if you call him "Werner."
No one's ever missed Werner?
Everyone hoped he'd disappear. When he
was gone they finally felt safe again.
That's how it was.
What do you think?
Think of what?
That I'm protecting people from Werner?
That he can't hurt anyone else?
It's vigilantism.
And if Werner were to...
I mean, you have two kids.
Both healthy, I hope.
Yes, I...
I mean,
sure, if...
he really did it, then...
That's lovely.
What?
What?
What's lovely?
Well, that you understand.
You know,
that means a lot to me.
I never said I understand.
Not directly,
but you did between the lines.
Werner's got it good at my place:
TV,
bathroom,
heating, kitchenette.
Built it all myself.
Sounds great.
Yes.
I thought so, too.
Until two days ago.
Two days ago?
Yes?
Yes, it's Mr. Tapken again,
from Tapken Bathrooms.
What now?
Please step aside,
Mrs. Schohusen.
You can't just...
- You know, Mrs. Schohusen.
I feel like
you got the wrong impression of me.
This is unacceptable, Mr. Tapken.
- I'd like to apologize,
Mrs. Schohusen.
My motto is always:
"Only the best for my customers
and a bit less if need be."
I should've told you that.
That's why we got our wires crossed.
I'm sorry.
I'll give you the exhibit piece.
Every kind of raised seat fits,
even the cheapest.
You should leave now, Mr. Tapken.
Good,
Mrs. Schohusen.
It's not the money, Mr. Tapken.
Willi's moving into a home soon.
Into a home?
A nursing home.
He moves in six weeks.
Then he must go, I understand.
You don't think I want him gone?
I'm not inferring that, Mrs. Schohusen.
You have to know what's best.
His nurse only comes twice a day
for 15 minutes.
That's the thanks you get
for paying insurance all these years.
The way this looks,
you have no choice anyway.
Willi can't even shower here.
Even though
great home-care setups do exist.
Our healthcare policies are scandalous.
I don't understand politics at all.
- Who does nowadays?
My Willi was interested in politics before
it became too much for his blood pressure.
Is it really necessary for male politicians
to bring their boyfriends on state visits?
That's how the world is these days,
Mrs. Schohusen.
It's terrible in those nursing homes.
What do you mean?
Just what kind of men do you think
are drawn to this female profession?
God!
That's how it is nowadays.
But nurses in general are paid so little,
you're lucky if they even speak German.
Willi already had a stroke
because of that minaret and everything.
The doctor said
the fat was mostly to blame.
I'm a good cook.
You have to believe me.
Of course, Mrs. Schohusen.
Even so,
Willi still has six weeks here at home.
That counts, too.
He should be comfortable on the toilet.
We can do that with a cheap model.
That'd be lovely.
I know how much those homes cost.
If I knew Willi was moving out soon,
I would've never suggested the Washlet-G.
You'd only do that if you didn't want
strangers taking care of him.
I don't want that.
- I know. I know,
Mrs. Schohusen.
I'll cross my fingers
they let you keep the house a bit longer,
considering all the costs you'll soon have.
We still have our savings, Mr. Tapken.
If you help us,
Willi might not have to go at all.
First, an enema.
Bring me some muesli bars, please.
Ludmilla? A coffee for me.
Three tablespoons of sugar and no milk,
if you'd be so kind. - Sure, doctor.
We'll place the urine in your intestine.
First, we need to flush it out to ensure
it won't be expelled by a bowel movement.
That'll also prevent
E.coli bacteria from contaminating...
the sample.
They check for that too?
Count on it.
Don't underestimate our enemy.
I suggest
you go and kneel by the toilet.
The enema can work fast.
OK, Doc.
Pants down?
After your little refreshment, gentlemen,
please allow me to introduce myself.
They call me, "Le Dude."
A "stage name," if you will,
that they gave lo me in Algeria.
Lgion d'honneur.
Foreign legion.
That was long ago.
I'll kill you, man.
- Not likely.
Since only one of you, only one,
will be leaving this room alive today.
I prefer to work with
objects from everyday life.
Commodities
that can be purchased
in any ordinary supermarket.
Commodities that can be found
in this ordinary bag, for example.
Which you so carelessly threw
into the corner earlier.
Shut your mouth, Nazi!
Let me be clear:
I have no prejudices,
neither religious, social, nor any other.
I treat every person with their all due...
respect.
- What kind of old motherfucker are you?
Fucking bastard.
Bastard.
Fuck, man.
Gentlemen,
I'm now going to strip your feet.
I must say, messieurs: You've got talent.
You're as ruthless
as you are consistent.
Nevertheless,
today I'll be conveying to you
that our common inclinations
and a certain degree of style and class
need not be mutually exclusive.
No.
We now need silence, gentlemen.
Absolute silence.
Silence, s'il vous plat.
You're about to enjoy
a sample from my area of special expertise.
An amuse-gueule,
so to speak.
I apologize in advance
for the smell of burning flesh.
If you're not used to it,
the smell can be slightly nauseating.
He still sends you text messages?
Constantin? Why would he?
Reiner.
Oh, him.
I must've made an impression on him.
But tell me,
what actually brings you
to this charity auction?
I like a photo by Sophie Calle
that's on auction.
Really?
Maybe you can get it cheap.
Our Kadinsky only went for 200,000.
I mean it's for a good cause, right?
Despite the press,
I think it's good you came.
That's in the paper?
Strange.
Michi and I agreed
not to let that news spread.
What do you mean?
The pregnancy. What else?
You're pregnant?
I though you knew.
From the newspaper?
No, I didn't know that.
I should actually read Michi the riot act,
but because he's wanted a child for so long,
it's understandable.
Well, at least I'm prepared
for the paparazzi out there now.
It gets better though.
Michi proposed to me.
Congratulations. You'd wanted that.
In front of his Japanese business friends.
Can you imagine? Incredibly sweet.
Listen:
Entre was Kobe beef carpaccio.
Their legs are broken at birth
so they can't go hurting themselves.
Suddenly, Michi stood up
and festively clinked his wine glass.
Everyone stopped eating, of course.
He looked around sternly,
and asked me to be his wife.
Can you imagine all the Japanese faces?
They must've thought Michi would sign a deal.
It was so romantic.
And the dinner?
You could buy a small car for that price.
Excuse me, can't you see
we're having a conversation?
Yes, you. Can't you do that later?
Bye.
Sweetie,
you know what I just realized?
You have to be my maid of honor.
Me?
- I can picture it.
What a night it'll be.
You and Constantin at our table.
Constantin and I are over.
- Over?
You mean...?
Did he walk out on you?
Sweetie, come here.
Don't worry. Everyone knew
Constantin doesn't miss a trick.
Cosmetic improvements alone
won't cut it here,
to be perfectly honest.
I don't want you to get your hopes up.
The main valve?
Mrs. Schohusen, would you be so kind
and hand me my briefcase, please?
It's not that
I wouldn't like to sell you anything,
but in the end,
optimal care must be guaranteed.
That's my responsibility.
Now.
Let's see.
So...
Lead piping.
That makes sense.
What makes sense?
Well, I'm no doctor,
and I don't want to go
making assumptions.
But you notice things over the years.
Just like how they fooled everyone
about asbestos for years.
You think the lead caused his stroke?
I was starting to worry
it was the fatty food,
although I only ever cooked
so well for my Willi.
You don't need to blame yourself anymore.
Be honest, Mr. Tapken.
How much would it cost
to have Willi stay here?
A handicap-accessible shower
and lead piping replacements
would cost almost exactly 7,500 Euros.
Additionally,
there'd be a raised toilet seal
with support rail,
which start at 3,200 Euros.
That's nearly 11 ,000 Euros.
Which is why, Mrs. Schohusen,
I can't help you any further.
Maybe there's enough in our bank book.
Well,
shrouds have no pockets anyway.
Quite true, quite true,
Mrs. Schohusen.
If you're serious about it,
Mrs. Schohusen...
then...
I'll have to show you...
the "Washlet-G"
just one last time.
Heated seat, hot air fan,
ozone-deodorizer, massage function,
programmable water jets,
auto-flushing, auto-lid opener,
and a memory chip
that records the limes of use.
That's just...
- And here's the kicker:
For a small extra fee,
the Washlet-G
comes with a start-up pack for seniors.
Catch words: "medical sensors."
Blood sugar levels
can be calculated in the urine.
Pulse, blood pressure and fat levels
can all be measured
and sent directly over the Internet
to the family doctor.
We don't have Internet.
Don't worry, Mrs. Schohusen.
My brother-in-law has a little company.
It'll all be activated within a week.
How much is this model?
Naturally, I'll give you
a 15% discount, Mrs. Schohusen.
With the Washlet-G,
it would cost just 18,137 Euros,
including sales tax.
- We don't have that much, Mr. Tapken.
We can easily solve that
with a credit from our principal bank.
All included.
Willi always took care of things like this.
Of course,
you don't have to take the Washlet-G.
But,
if that was my wife,
I wouldn't want to deprive her of it.
You know what? I'll go get Willi.
You can explain it all to him.
Mrs. Schohusen,
all the fuss might be too much for him,
for his blood pressure.
Nonsense. Willi enjoys having visitors, loo.
E-coli bacteria often make their way
into the urethra and bladder,
causing infections.
Particularly in women.
The female urethra is relatively short.
But inflammatory cells
should be present in the urine, too.
If not...
- I'll be suspected.
I saw your new commercial.
The sandwich spread.
- "Marziponi?"
"With Marziponi, gold for Loni!"
- It tastes revolting. - I figured.
The muesli bars.
- Great, she's to eat them immediately.
"Holzknecht's mass movements"
occur twice a day in the large intestine.
They're triggered
by an expansion of the duodenum
after we ingest food or liquids.
Eating now will prevent such movements
from occurring at the wrong moment,
causing the reservoir to slip out of place.
Good, Loni.
We're nearly done.
It's pushing.
I have to go.
- Do whatever you think is right...
but please, let me finish.
I haven't told you everything yet.
What else is there?
The most important part.
The reason for my confession.
Griegoleit did it.
What?
- Gnther Griegoleit
from Griegoleit Driving School.
The one who moved to Bielefeld.
Until two days ago, I didn't know they could
use DNA to solve cold cases, either.
Griegoleit of all people.
But you said that Heise...
Werner.
That Werner confessed.
You know what I think?
Werner lied.
Don't get me wrong.
I don't want to badmouth Werner.
And maybe it was my fault.
I said it again and again:
"Heise,
if you finally tell the truth,
you can live here in comfort.
If you don't,
then we have a problem."
Eventually, he came to understand that
and, after he confessed,
our relationship improved overnight.
Then I bought him the TV.
And every Sunday we have
Kasseler pork with sauerkraut,
and pudding.
"Kasseler pork with sauerkraut."
- Every Sunday. His favorite dish.
You could even say
a kind of friendship has developed.
Crazy, right?
Can I have it back, Father?
- What?
The photo. Can I have it back?
Little Marcel has lost his mommy.
Please pick him up at the Info Center.
And have you talked to...
Have you talked to Werner about...
this DNA evidence?
I think it's best he doesn't find out.
Excuse me?
- I wasn't sure, but...
now that you've heard my confession,
I see more clearly.
Wait.
I think you should let him go.
Werner is 72.
If I let him go, I'll go to jail.
Who'll take care of him then?
Will you?
No, but...
there are people who deal with these things.
I mean,
people who know what they're doing.
Surely it...
concerns the whole of society.
I really think
you should consider freeing him.
Hear me?
Are you still there?
We now come to...
disinfection.
L'eau-de-vie alisier d'Alsace.
Hawthorn brandy from Alsace.
The French appreciate pleasure.
I learned that there.
42% by volume.
A feast for the senses.
You see, gentlemen,
practicing altruism is also part of my job.
The medical side of my work
was always a joy.
As a young man, I wanted to become a doctor
before dedicating myself...
to a higher calling.
I was your age.
You have something to say?
We're really sorry.
We're so sorry. We won't...
do it again, I swear...
Gentlemen, you surprise me.
I'm no educator.
I'm not here to teach you,
get revenge
or make moral judgments.
I'm a sadist.
Your pain is my pleasure. That's all.
You of all people will understand that.
Right?
Although you're from a generation
whose approach to pain
tends to be rather more like fast food
than Nouvelle Cuisine.
But let's not get lost
in overly philosophical reflections.
Let's rather turn our attention
to the things for which
we've gathered here today.
I just recently bought these rose shears
in the garden department of a hardware store.
Gentlemen?
What are you doing here?
This bathroom is closed.
Forgive me.
My prostate.
We're looking for two juveniles.
- Between 17 and 18. A German and a Turk.
I haven't seen anything.
What's that smell?
I fear that was me. Veal roulade with celery.
Those your things?
Yes, why?
Finish up here.
I'm removing the enema.
Your coffee, Doctor.
- Thank you, Ludmilla. Very kind.
Filter coffee?
It's good, Ludmilla.
Is it hot enough?
Spot on.
Enough sugar?
- Perfect.
Normally used for men.
Reservoir.
Outlet.
Are you on medication?
Any illnesses?
Kidney problems? Liver disease?
Inherited conditions? Metabolic problems?
- No.
We need your urine.
150 ml.
Quick.
It's about to get serious.
I'll tell you what we'll do.
What now?
What do you mean?
All alone?
I'm not alone.
- You have a new boyfriend?
What does he do professionally?
- Children's furniture.
That's...
great!
One second. I have to...
Honey!
I thought you were playing golf.
It's sweet of you to think of me anyway.
Sure.
You know I'm being careful.
Guess who I've just met. Charlotte.
Did you know that she and Constantin...
You knew? And did you know...
You knew that, too?
With Reiner?
Oh.
Yes...
Charlotte also said...
there's something about us in the paper.
Honey, can we talk later?
You've gotten me
into an incredibly awkward situation.
I'll call you later.
I have lo sort things out here.
You know...
the text messages from Reiner...
that happened a bit longer ago
than you might've assumed earlier.
Hey, if your Reiner makes kids' furniture
maybe he could...
make some for us.
I'm sure he'll send you a catalog.
He even has a catalog? That's great!
Here's his card.
And his business is OK?
What?
He owns Captain Kiddies?
They have 300 stores.
That's not a carpenter's.
You got mixed up
because his dad's a carpenter.
Weird, he didn't say.
Anyway. It doesn't matter.
So what did it say in the paper?
Michi sounded strange on the phone.
Read it yourself.
Sounds intriguing.
"Hellweg Pharma goes bust.
Managing Director,
Hans-Michael Nsser-Vonnwinkel
files for insolvency."
My God. How embarrassing.
And now I'm meant to pose for photos?
They'll think,
"Our poor cousin from back east is here."
Hans-Michael? It's me.
You didn't want to worry me? What a joke.
Nobody's ever done this to me.
Have you any idea what I'm going through?
They'll roast me alive.
No, don't come here. Never come again, OK?
I can't.
No, I won't listen.
You should've thought about that earlier.
Come on, Willi.
Mr. Tapken wants to show you something.
Don't get worked up, Willi. That was just...
the old floor lamp. Stupid thing!
There, and let's go see...
Mr. Tapken.
That's it.
Yes. Good. There.
The door...
There.
That's Mr. Tapken.
From Tapken Bathrooms.
He wants to help us
so you can slay here.
Hello, Mr. Schohusen.
Well...
Go on, Mr. Tapken.
Willi understands much more than you think.
Like your wife said,
the main thing
is to improve
your quality of life...
Well, we thought...
I'll give you that toilet for free
because the attachments won't fit on yours.
What about that Chinese model
you have on sale?
It's a direct line to our doctor.
In case something happens, Willi.
Mr. Tapken's brother-in-law will sort it out.
- Sure.
But...
Your wife and I already
discussed the Washlet-G
from Japan.
- With a heated seat so you're nice and warm.
One of the model's...
many features.
And Mr. Tapken
will sort out the bank credit for us.
I assure you, Mr. Schohusen:
It's all the very best...
Asian...
workmanship. - Then Mr. Tapken
will sell us a new shower and pipes,
so we don't poison ourselves with the lead.
- Like I said,
I'm not a doctor...
I can't...
If only we'd known sooner. Right, Willi?
The doctor said it was the fatty food.
But I always cooked so well for you.
Know what, Mr. Tapken? I'll go and see
how much is in our savings book.
Mrs. Schohusen, that's...
You can...
Well.
Like I was saying to your wife:
great work.
Really great work.
Mr. Schohusen.
If I may, Mr. Schohusen?
Everything will be sorted soon,
Mr. Schohusen.
You alright, Mr. Schohusen?
Mrs. Schohusen?
I think you should...
- Just a moment.
Oh my God.
Wetting your hair with these precious drops
is a sign of my respect.
I hope you appreciate that.
Alors,
flamb..
A votre sant.
As I mentioned,
only one of you will leave this room alive.
However, I don't presume to play God.
That'd be foolhardy and wouldn't
do Him justice. It's up to you, gentlemen...
to make this decision.
I advise you not to chicken out.
Otherwise I'll use
this exquisite French liquid
to inflame every hair
on your heads.
Gentlemen, I thank you in advance
for the wonderful day you've granted me.
Un, deux, trois,
on y va!
Gentlemen.
This is for the substitute urine.
After that stupid incident
This is for the substitute urine.
After that stupid incident
with the heptathlete,
we can't place it in your vagina.
But Kleinschmidt watches you urinating
while keeping an eye on your hands,
so you couldn't open it
with a fingernail anyway.
Kleinschmidt has no shame.
Go on.
Many inject the substitute urine
into the athlete's bladder with a catheter.
That's unhygienic,
so we'll use the men's method.
The reservoir.
When it's full, we can't insert it,
hence the catheter.
With the vessel in the rectum,
we can use the catheter
to fill it with substitute urine.
The outlet.
It'll be in your sphincter.
So you have to... - ...clench.
Good, Loni. I like thoughtful people.
When I remove the catheter,
until you give the sample,
you mustn't relax.
Or it was all in vain.
Ingenious.
- But not my invention.
It's time.
Should I kneel?
Stand against the wall, bend over
and support yourself gently with your hands.
Did you just break up with him?
You're having a baby.
It's not his.
It's not?
He doesn't know, of course.
He wouldn't have proposed. And he couldn't
get me pregnant. What was I to do?
Wait for him to throw me out
after a younger woman shows up?
Or when he realizes
I'm not his class after all?
And now?
Don't know.
Well,
there's the father, too.
Whose is it?
Marc-Justin's.
My yoga teacher.
Yoga.
- Yes.
I took it up as preparation for tennis.
Tennis.
- Right.
Mental preparation.
For tennis.
With yoga.
And you really want to leave Michi?
And everything you've built up.
"Built up?" It's all gone.
"Hamburg. Hellweg Pharma's
insolvency application
will put an end
to the iconic German firm's 100-year history.
Insiders blame management's
speculative trading..."
Enough already!
'While 1,000 workers demonstrated
outside the factory to preserve their jobs,
union officials criticized
the Supervisory Board's decision
to award managing director
Hans-Michael Nsser-Vonnwinkel
a golden handshake
of around 35 million Euros."
Well,
after everything Michi's done
for the company.
"Last week, Nsser-Vonnwinkel
is also said to have sold shares
worth 15 million Euros on the stock market."
Strange. He never told me that.
"Nsser-Vonnwinkel
dismissed all accusations as absurd.
'Germany's envy culture disgusts me,'
he said.
With his fianc, he therefore plans
to relocate to Switzerland."
To the Russians?
It's been a long time
since you were last in Switzerland.
Yes.
Maybe you're right.
Don't get me wrong, but...
I think I was confused earlier.
Sure.
I understand.
Hormones and everything.
Michi's a great guy.
You can say that again.
There you are.
Michi.
My angel.
Sorry I reacted like that.
I was in shock.
I didn't want you and our little darling
to worry about these silly things.
God only knows how much I love you.
I love you too, my angel.
Unbelievable.
We have over 18,000 Euros in savings.
I haven't offered you anything, Mr. Tapken.
Thanks.
Brandy.
Well,
I think you should sleep on it.
Thanks, but I don't need to.
My Willi always says: "if people give you
time to consider, they're being honest."
He's nodded off. He often does these days.
Then we shouldn't wake him up.
- Nonsense.
Willi doesn't wake up so fast.
I have a lot of appointments.
Let's talk tomorrow?
Fat chance, young man.
Where do I sign?
Of course.
Up to you.
That's the contract
for your pipe replacement and new shower,
for 7,500 Euros.
Here,
please.
And this...
is the contract for the Washlet-G.
The total is 18,175 Euros
including delivery,
installation, and sales tax.
Here, to confirm
you've read our terms and conditions.
And for the credit bureau.
I'm so glad Willi can stay here now.
Me too, Mrs. Schohusen.
Ah, Mrs. Schohusen,
in the "Seniors' Start-Up Pack,"
the Washlet-G...
comes with a toilet.
- So take this one with you.
Would you be so kind, Mrs. Schohusen?
Have a nice evening, Mrs. Schohusen.
You too, Mr. Tapken.
Thanks a million.
So...
So...
Please relax.
Loosen up.
There...
Nearly there.
OK, when I say, "Now..."
- ...I clench.
And...
now.
All the best.
If there's anything else...
Thanks, Doc.
No problem. It's my job.
Really very good filter coffee.
I'll be going.
We can't risk me running into Kleinschmidt.
Oh...
For your steroid acne.
Twice daily. For the award ceremony.
You think of everything, Doctor.
- Thanks.
Ladies.
Goodbye, Doctor.
- See you, Doc.
He's a great doctor.
A real professional.
SIX WEEKS LATER
SIX WEEKS LATER
Ladies and gentlemen,
now to the women's
200-meter freestyle final.
Representing Germany: Loni Nordahl.
Our reporter, Frank Wenzel, is there.
Over to you, Frank.
Welcome to this dream final with
the hotly-tipped favorite, Loni Nordahl.
Nordahl is up against
Nebraska's world record-holder, Page Halmen.
Will Loni get revenge
for her painful defeat in Oslo?
It's Team Germany's last chance for a medal.
In lane 6: Loni Nordahl,
carrying the whole nation's hopes.
Two beers, please.
Her goal: That coveted place
on the podium. Loni wants gold.
Trainer Ludmilla Svoboda says silver
would be a crushing disappointment.
Real-life drama, ladies and gentlemen.
It's rare for us to sit around
and have nothing we're more worried about.
Cross your fingers that Loni
has a better start than last year in Oslo.
We all know the start is her weakness.
And certain things
recur to certain people...
For you.
A few seconds to go.
Loni Nordahl in lane 6.
The 25-year-old from Brandenburg makes a..
And they're off.
Avery bad start.
Page Halmen and Suntje van Geuns
set an unbelievable pace on the first lap.
Loni's a fighter,
but she's so far behind
that even for her, it's going to be...
It's always the same.
What a disappointment.
The bubble will have to burst.
Loni's doing everything to catch up,
but Page Halmen seems unbeatable today.
Loni has thrown everything away.
How frustrating, ladies and...
Oh, sweetie,
it's wonderful here.
Wild horses couldn't drag me back to Germany.
Just a moment.
Russian!
Better?
Oh, Michi really fusses over me.
Russian again!
The final lap.
Will Halmen or van Geuns get gold?
Both going for a world record. Behind them,
Loni gains ground, trailing by a length.
Loni's catching up!
One centimeter at a time!
Willi, it's the final.
I'll turn it up.
She overtakes the Dutchwoman!
- Right behind Page Halmen!
Like a barracuda through the pool.
Aggressive...
...elegant, quick as a shot!
- Page Halmen is losing steam.
Loni, come on! - You can do it!
- 80 million people are cheering you on!
She has the American in her sights.
Nearly there!
Neck and neck!
Unbelievable. Come on, Loni!
- Who's got the stronger attack?
Pull, barracuda, pull!
And...
gold!
World record!
- Gold for Germany!
Loni Nordahl, the Brandenburg Barracuda,
wins gold for Germany.
The Brandenburg Barracuda!
Sport fans: Loni Nordahl has beaten
the world record by an incredible...
And secures her gold medal.
Incredible scenes are taking place
at the poolside.
Trainer Ludmilla Svoboda
and team doctor Maxe Dietrich
are embracing.
This is their win, too.
Only teamwork brings this kind of success.
A true picture of happiness.
What a sight, ladies and gentlemen.
She's smiling.
She's glowing. Our Golden Loni.
What must she be thinking about?
Her brutally tough preparations, perhaps?
One thing's certain: Few athletes
deserve this triumph more than Loni Nordahl.
I don't know about you,
but I've got goosebumps.