Tom and Jerry: The Fast and the Furry (2005) Movie Script

I leave you alone for an hour,
and you destroy my house?
And, you, you're no better.
You're both evicted!
Yes, this could all be yours.
This mansion with
all the amenities.
Located in the bucolic,
exclusive surroundings...
...of Pine Valley Ranch Hills Estates.
This mansion overlooks
the tranquil landscape...
...of the Pine Valley Ranch Hills Estates
golf course and the cemetery.
This is the key
that can open the door... your future as a person
who lives in a really big house!
And it could all be yours
if you are the winner...
...of The Fabulous Super Race.
J. W. Globwobbler's latest
television extravaganza.
To enter this contest,
participants must supply...
...their own all-terrain vehicles,
and come on down... Globwobbler Studios
in beautiful Hollywood, U.S.A.!
Only one spot remains. Enter today!
It could belong to you! Enter today!
Now look, Clown-O,
your ratings are plummeting.
I have an idea
how to juice your show up...
...and pull your polka-dotted keister
out of the fire. You need a partner.
A partner?
Yep. An animal partner.
What? Like a dog? A monkey?
A parrot maybe?
Irving, wheel in Mr. Frisky.
Hey, I thought you kids' show hosts
liked animals.
We do, sir, but this animal looks
a little dangerous.
Clown-O, animals can sense
negative vibrations... get off that chair
and say hello to Mr. Frisky.
I want you and Mr. Frisky to begin
working up an act right away.
Good dog.
Stop! Get him off of me! No! No!
Hey, get him off of me!
- Mommy!
- I'm a genius!
That bear's got talent, moxie, pizzazz!
What's next?
Well, sir, if you'll remember,
we're still looking...
...for one more contestant to round out
The Fabulous Super Race.
I need something crazy and wild,
something totally unexpected.
And this is our stunt area.
These are all trained professionals.
Don't try this at home.
- Take my hand, Clarice!
- I love you, Frank!
What's this?
From the looks of things,
they're here to audition...
...for the remaining slot
in The Fabulous Super Race.
Is this some kind of a joke?
A pussycat and a mouse?
This is about stunts
and people putting their lives at risk...
...for a big fat prize.
It's not a nature documentary.
- Call security and have these two...
- Sir! Sir, it's...
- This gives me the creeps.
- He's the president of Hollywood.
He's supposed to give you
the creeps.
Greetings, Your Tinselyness.
Imperious leader of Hollywood.
Smile, Irving.
I'm terrified, sir.
Now you look, J.W.
The girls and I overheard what you were
saying about this cat and mouse.
They want to enter the race.
I was about to call security and...
This is the greatest single idea for
The Fabulous Super Race show yet!
Good thinking, J.W.,
you're really on the ball.
Yes, Your Sparklyness, thank you.
I was sure you'd like it.
From the looks of this cat...
...I'd be prepared to say he's the type
that would stop at nothing to win.
Absolutely. It's genius. People love
a rotten-to-the-core villain.
Someone who will do the things
they only dream about in order to win!
Remember, J.W., when in doubt,
always stoop as low as you can...
...and appeal
to people's basest instincts.
Gosh, thanks, Your Flashiness.
Right again.
Well, our work here is done, ladies.
Go forth, J.W. Globwobbler,
and bringeth in the ratings!
Well, I guess there
are two slots available.
Boys, you're hired.
Just sign on the dotted line, boys.
This will be the greatest reality game
show in the history of TV.
A show like this could make me
vice president of Hollywood.
These two are awful, sir.
Yep. It's perfect!
And we're live!
Well, hello, everybody out there
in television land...
...and welcome to
The Fabulous Super Race.
I'm Biff Buzzard.
And I'm Buzz Blister. We're here
in beautiful Detroit, Michigan...
We're here in gorgeous
Hollywood, California!
That's right, Buzzer,
The Fabulous Super Race.
It should be more exciting than
anything mankind has yet experienced... its brief time here
on planet Earth.
And speaking of planet Earth, Biffster...
...that's where our race is going
to take place.
Right, Buzzatola. The race begins
here in Southern California...
...and ends here in Mexico.
And this is the "keyako" that opens
the door to our terrific prize...
...a huge giant mansion.
- She's a beauty, Buzz.
And she will go to the winner
of The Fabulous Super Race.
Let's get down to the pits and
meet our contestants right now.
You must be...?
Steed Dirkly at your service.
And I'd like to say hello to all of my fans
rooting for me, Steed Dirkly.
And might I just add
that all the proceeds I will win...
...will be donated
to my favorite charity.
And what might that be, Steed?
Well, I'm sure that warms the hearts
of America. Steed Dirkly...
...a true hero with a heart of gold.
Good luck.
Who have we got here, Buzz-A-Roo?
Why, it looks like a cute old grandma.
She looks just as cute and nice...
...and sweet and old
as she could be, doesn't she?
Why, thank you, sonny.
I'm one of those who believes
you're as young as you feel.
I have always been a fan of good
clean fun and honest competition.
And who's this cute little fella?
This is Squirty.
Oh, he's my whole world.
Squirty! Give the nice man
his finger back.
Animals just don't like you, Biff.
You've got to remember that.
Well, good luck, Grammy.
And good luck, Squirty.
And what is your name, sir?
I am Gorthan, Destroyer of Light.
I am nervous.
I've never been on TV before.
Really? Well, you're on TV now.
And where are you from, Mr. Destroyer?
I'm guessing, from the outfit,
Oakland, California!
I am from Niltor, near the outer alabaster
tower in the inner ring of green fire... the dimension of darkness
ruled by the overlords of dread.
Nice. And what do you do in Niltor,
Mr. Destroyer?
I own a flower shop
and a greeting-card store.
I see.
And I suppose you're looking
for a shot at that big cash prize...
...and that fabulous mansion.
- Yes, that would be nice.
One does grow weary
of the soul-crushing darkness...
...and endless screaming
that fill the air of Niltor.
Mr. Destroyer, I'm curious...
...what exactly powers this
strange-looking vehicle of yours?
It is powered by the anguish
of a thousand doomed souls.
It sounds like he has a soft spot
in his heart for the environment, folks.
Well, good luck, Gorthan,
Destroyer of Light.
Thank you, Biff.
And you must be...?
Hi! I'm Mallory
from Watertown, Wisconsin.
Everyone calls me Soccer Mom.
Okay, Soccer Mom. And you're here in
your souped-up minivan, is that right?
Yeah. You know, between school
and soccer games...
...and my online retail business,
I decided I needed a hobby.
Fantastic, Soccer Mom.
Your kids must be very proud.
Oh, yeah. Rufus, Gunter, Angus
and Shylock are all very proud.
All those boys must be a handful.
No, Angus is a girl. Hi, kids!
Don't forget to water the sheep!
Oh, and no swordplay in the house
while Mommy's gone, okay?
Well, as the French say,
bueno el lucko to you, Soccer Mom.
And that brings us to...?
I am Dr. Professor...
...a super-resourceful genius.
And I will no doubt be
the winner of this race.
As we all know, science is golden.
That looks like a pretty sophisticated
piece of machinery... have there, doctor.
- Yes, it is.
And what kind of gas does it take?
- Antimatter.
- Isn't that the most explosive...
...and powerful energy source
known to mankind?
This is it. My own specially designed
antimatter engine. I never have to refuel.
It uses the most efficient
and powerful fuel source.
So, what happens if this stuff
touches matter?
It would instantly vaporize anything
in its vicinity.
What's this little thingy here do?
No! Don't touch that!
That technology thing is certainly
moving fast, isn't it, Biff?
Boy, I'll say.
And here we have a pussycat
and a mouse.
I didn't realize that vermin
were eligible, Biff.
And who on earth gave this pussycat
a driver's license?
And what do you two have to say
to our viewers at home?
That's right. They're animals, Biff,
and they can't talk.
No, sir, but apparently they can drive.
Hey! Look at this
little mouse-sized car.
It's cute.
What can you get this baby up
to, little mouse? Four?
- "Four. "
- What's this little button here do?
Okay. Okay, folks. With that,
we are ready to get underway.
And we'll see you all
at the finish line in Mexico.
And there they go!
Attaboy, Squirty!
Our contestants are going to have
to employ the first of their vehicles'...
...special modifications to get around
this notorious Southern California traffic.
And it looks like
they are doing just that, Biff.
Okay. I know just what to do now.
Hey, what's that pussycat up to, Biff?
No good it looks like to me, Buzz.
- That was a close one, Buzz.
- That pussycat is dynamite!
Well, it looks like pretty boy
is gaining, Squirty.
Squirty! No! Bad dog!
Oh, Squirty! No! Drop it! Drop it!
This naughty pussycat would do well
in the pits of Niltor.
Perhaps one of my stink pods will
give him a taste of his own medicine.
It's a hit, sir!
It's an ultra, super,
dynamic mega hit, Irving!
We can't end this thing in Mexico!
Call the crew, tell them
to move the finish line.
To where, sir?
Irving, which one of these shapes
is Mexico?
- This one here, sir.
- Let's see... about if we take them to...
And here come the racers, Buzz!
Hey, I won! Give me that key.
Not so fast.
Was that a speed bump?
Oh, heavenly days. Did I win?
Now, don't get too excited there, racers.
We've just received word
from our Hollywood studio...
...that due to high ratings, The Fabulous
Super Race is going to be extended.
The next finish line
is located deep in the heart...
...of the Amazon jungle.
- What? What are you talking about?
Isn't that great?
Hello again, folks.
Buzz Blister here in the heart of
the Amazon jungle with my cohost, Biff.
Our racers are forging
intrepidly ahead through...
...this dense jungle on their way
to this very unstable...
...and rickety-looking bridge.
Here come our racers!
Oh, it looks like Steed Dirkly.
That was a close one, Buzz.
Yes, it sure was, Biff.
And here comes...
Oh, it looks like Grammy.
I hope she can negotiate the bridge
with those slats missing.
I'm right on your tail, pretty boy!
Oh, no! It looks like
Grammy's in trouble, Buzz!
It certainly does. And it's just too bad
that the rules prevent us...
...from coming to the rescue
of that sweet, very old lady.
No, that would be cheating, Buzz.
So if this lady snaps through the rotten
wooden slats of this ancient bridge...
...and falls to her doom,
we'll just have to go to a commercial.
She just seems so helpless and delicate.
So weak, so scrawny.
So noodly and frothy.
So crunchy and creamy.
Pretty impressive.
Hey! Looks like Gorthan, Destroyer of
Light, is making his crossing now.
- Gorthan's in trouble, Biff!
- Wow, he sure is, Buzz!
That heavy metal car of his may be
too much for that old bridge to handle.
Knargack the Black-Winged...
...I summon thee to appear
and use thine hideous powers... lifteth me-eth over
this obstacle-eth.
Gorthan, that was some trick!
Did you train that bird yourself?
Oh, no. Knargack's soul belongs
to that of a vanquished foe...
...who's now trapped
and forced to serve.
Can it talk? Could we get
an interview with it?
I have to get going.
I'm falling behind.
Right. Well, good to see you again,
Gorthan, Destroyer of Light.
Thank you, Buzz.
Always great to see you.
I wouldn't have pegged him
as an animal lover.
I wonder who will be next, Biff.
That's funny. That doesn't look
like what's on my map, not at all.
Oh, well, signs don't lie.
Oh, darn. I just had this washed.
I'd better call GoneStar.
Hello. Thank you for calling GoneStar's
remote assistance department.
My name is Dave.
Would you like to subscribe... our free music download offer?
- Oh, no, thank you, Dave.
See, I have an emergency going on now.
I see. Well, let me locate you
on my screen.
You are Mallory MacDoogle,
a soccer mom.
I have you pinpointed in a remote
and unexplored region...
...of the Amazonian jungle.
- And what seems to be the trouble?
- See now, that's just it.
I'm sinking in deadly quicksand
and I need help getting out now.
I'm afraid I can't do that, Mallory.
Just kidding. Well, let's consult
our GoneStar quicksand computer...
...and see if we can't
get you out of there.
Simply follow the prompts
on your screen.
There are many types of quicksand
on our interesting planet.
There is desert quicksand,
swamp quicksand and jungle quicksand.
You have selected jungle quicksand.
Now please choose
the jungle you are in.
Are you in A, the Belgian Congo...
...B, a Southeast Asian jungle
or C, the Amazonian jungle?
Amazonian, yeah.
Now choose what you would like to do
with the quicksand you have selected.
Would you like to A, make quicksand,
B, garden with quicksand...
...or C, get out of quicksand?
To get out, press...
Wait a ding-dang minute here.
You know, I think somebody
might've done this on purpose.
Oh, no, don't go that way, little mouse.
The race is this way, yeah!
My van sank in the quicksand,
so I guess I'm out.
Here, have an orange.
It will give you energy.
Good luck!
- Too bad about Soccer Mom, Buzz.
- Yes, I was kind of rooting for her.
But what's this?
That crazy pussycat...
...has stopped at the end of the bridge.
He's got a saw.
I sense a dirty trick coming up.
Looks like that one backfired
on the pussycat.
It sure does, Buzzalito.
And this river is infested with
pussycat-eating piranha fish.
- That's Tierra del Fuego, sir.
- And that?
That would be the Antarctic, sir.
The racers will have to modify their cars
and sail across water to make it there.
That should boost the ratings
even higher!
Folks, I've just heard from Hollywood
and have received some terrific news...
...that I'm sure our racers
will be pleased to hear!
Our racers are now going to head for
the southernmost tip of South America...
...where they will prepare
for the difficult crossing...
...from Cape Horn to the Antarctic.
And won't our racers be excited
and happy to hear that!
And here they come!
- Give me that key!
- Not so fast, Steed.
Biff has some news for you all!
That's right, all. The race
has been extended.
And we will see each and all of you
in the Antarctic! Good luck, everyone!
Avast, Squirty!
It'll take more than a little drizzle
to keep us from winning.
This reminds me of sailing
Blood Blister Bay back in Niltor.
No, this is terrible. Stop sinking!
Well, maybe this isn't so bad after all.
Well, Miss Mermaid... are in luck. Because Steed Dirkly
has just washed upon your shore.
And as soon as you dry
these damp clothes, I'll reward you... letting you fix my dinner.
Hey, this just in, Biffo.
Oh, some disappointing news
from the Southern Atlantic.
It seems Steed Dirkly is being parboiled
in a briny bouillabaisse...
...and served
with a caper dill cream mousseline.
Buzzby, he's out of the race.
But he sounds delicious.
Well, Gorthan, congratulations on being
the first one to make it to the Antarctic.
Thank you, Buzz. And hello, Biff.
Say, Gorthan, have you ever heard
that thing...
...about sticking your tongue
on a piece of frozen metal?
No. What do you mean?
Well, Gorthan, they say
if you touch your tongue...
...on a frozen piece of metal,
it will stick.
- What?
- Yes. What do you think, Gorthan?
Will it stick, yes or no?
Well, no, that's nonsense.
The answer is no. It wouldn't stick.
Well, what about putting your money
where your mouth is, Gorthan?
- What do you mean?
- Well, we have the south pole right here.
Why not give it a try?
What? You mean, stick my tongue
on this stupid metal pole here?
Who would have thought that
the so-called Destroyer of Light...
...was really just a big wimp.
- Look, I'm warning you!
No need to resort to evil magic, Gorthan.
If you think your tongue won't stick...
...just go ahead and show us.
All right. If only to prove to you mortals
that you are wrong! Here.
Well, go on, Gorthan.
I'm doing it, I'm doing it.
There. You see? I told you.
- Told you.
- I knew it.
Hey, Buzz, look.
The ice is cracking.
Gosh, you're right, Biff-O-Rama.
Let's hop over to safety.
Hey, what about me? Come on, fellas.
And it looks like Gorthan
is out of the race.
It sure does, Buzzo.
But at least we proved once and for all
that your tongue will stick... a metal pole if it's cold enough.
- And that's something.
I curse your souls, mortals!
Boy, somebody sure is a sore loser.
That leaves the pussycat, the mouse
and, of course, Grammy.
Yes. And here they are.
Let's have a word with Grammy.
Say, Grammy,
I'm sure the folks at home...
...would like to know how you feel
about the race thus far.
Well, it's a wonderful competition.
It's good for a person to participate... old-fashioned, clean,
wholesome fun!
Squirty. Squirty!
Grammy's coming!
Mr. Pussycat... are you going to sleep at night
after a rotten trick like that?
I think he'll sleep just fine, Buzz.
Looks like the pussycat is in the lead.
Well, it seems we are down
to only two competitors now, Biffy.
That's right. A cat and a mouse.
A predator and the prey.
- The overdog and the underdog.
- The eater and the eaten.
- The big and the small.
- Okay, Biff, I think we get the idea.
Just take a look at the ratings
for the show, sir.
Holy cow, they're through the roof!
If this doesn't make me vice president
of Hollywood, I don't know what will.
We gotta keep this up.
What can we do to make the show
more exciting? Where are they?
They're racing across the Antarctic.
The next stop is Australia.
Australia, huh?
Isn't that where Mozart is from?
No. That's Austria, sir.
Oh, right. So how should we
have them get there?
Well, standard procedure
is to fly or sail, sir.
You gotta learn how to think
out of the box, Irving.
But how else would they get there?
There's an enormous body of water...
...between the Antarctic and Australia.
- Precisely.
- You mean...?
- Yes, keep going.
- Underwater, sir?
- Bingo!
That's the kind of thinking
that will keep you out of the mailroom.
The leg of the race between Antarctica
and Australia will be held underwater.
It'll be a television first.
Let's just see how high
we can get these ratings to go.
Well, I see the mouse, Buzz,
but no sign of the pussyc... Wait!
His car is there, but the pussycat
is not in the vehicle.
As we all know, the contestant must be
in his vehicle in order to stay in the race.
Congratulations, Mr. Mouse!
You have taken the lead.
You're that much closer
to owning your very own mansion.
Now it's time to modify your vehicle...
...because the next leg of the race
to Australia is taking place.
Tough break for the pussycat.
Yes, cats don't like water at all.
Especially this one.
Mr. Globwobbler, sir,
the pussycat is out of the race.
I love that cat. That backstabbing
feline drove our ratings through the roof.
- Get him back in the race!
- Yes, sir.
Take it easy, Punchy. Oh, we're on.
G'day all you mates and sheilas.
We're here...
Biff, no, it's "g'day. "
Like, duh, you pronounce
the "guh" sound.
Well, now I'm all self-conscious
and it sounds weird to me.
I think you better do it.
All right. Then here, you take Punchy.
I don't think this kangaroo
likes me very much, Buzz.
Nonsense. Take the leash.
G'day, folks.
We're here down under in beautiful, hot,
humid, bug-infested Australia.
And, folks, say hello to our Australian
ambassador of good will, Punchy...
...the boxing kangaroo.
Isn't he cute, folks?
He's adorable. G'day.
The next portion of the race
will take place in the rugged outback.
Isn't that right, Biff?
Then on north up to Weipa
in the northernmost portion of Australia.
The next leg of our race is about
to begin. Here they come!
It looks like Grammy.
Yes. And that's amazing.
Because the last time we saw her,
she had been eaten by a whale.
Never underestimate the elderly, Buzz.
Especially Grammy.
No, sir. This old bat
is full of surprises.
Hey, it's the mouse.
Any sign of the pussycat,
Mr. Mouse?
I think it's curtains
for the pussycat, Buzz.
And that's too bad. His rotten attitude
was making this race so exciting.
Well, good luck, rodent.
Oh, my little spud! I love you!
Let's burn rubber, Squirty!
Wait a minute, Biff, what's that?
Well, Biff, it looks like the network
has taken a liking to a certain pussycat.
Why bother? He can't win.
Grammy and the rodent
are already halfway across Australia.
Yes. I think we can stick a fork
in the pussycat, because he's toast.
And so is his car.
Well, it's always encouraging
to see a guy who won't give up.
Yes. But this case is hopeless.
There's no way the pussycat
will be able to make up the gap...
...between the mouse and Grammy.
Yes. He'd pretty much have to saw
the entire continent of Australia in half.
And that's extremely unlikely.
Well, I'll be a monkey's uncle.
No! He's not gonna...
He sure is gonna. That crazy pussycat
is going to saw Australia in half.
- How about that, folks?
- That's some determined pussycat.
I'll say, Biff. We'd better get off
this continent...
...before it sinks to the bottom
of Davy Jones' Locker.
Oh, you rotten, dirty pussycat.
Well, it serves you right,
you naughty pussycat.
We're going down, Squirty.
Quick, the parachutes!
Why, you ungrateful little stinker.
If it weren't for me,
you'd still be at the animal-testing lab...
...having antiperspirant sprayed
in your eyes and drinking paint.
Open the chute, Squirty.
Open the chute!
Oh, Squirty, I can't...
Sir, Grammy is out of the race.
The pussycat did her in.
- It's just him and the mouse now.
- This whole caper is falling apart.
Listen up, Irving.
This race is taking too long.
The public have the attention span
of a cocker spaniel.
You'd better speed up the last leg of
the race or your sorry butt goes bye-bye.
But we told the public this race would go
through the greatest cities in the world.
And we haven't even been
to Cleveland yet.
Irving, the public doesn't want
a bunch of pretty cities.
They want action.
Action and plenty of explosions.
Now, I want this race wrapped up
in five minutes, Irving...
...or you'll find yourself sorting mail.
- Yes, sir.
Well, it looks like the lower life forms
have taken the lead.
That's right, Buzz-Buzz,
and just as well.
I think they've done something
for the self-esteem...
...of fur-covered animals everywhere.
Tom and Jerry, as the only
surviving drivers in our Super Race...
...we're giving you two nuclear-powered,
rocket-car, jet-plane, hovercraft things.
And there's a teensy change in plans.
You've only got five minutes
to finish the race!
That's right.
Once you racers leave Borneo...'ll cross Europe and the
Atlantic Ocean to the good old U.S. Of A.
There you'll cross the continent to reach
the finish line in Hollywood, California... five minutes!
So good luck.
And may the best lower species win.
Biffette, we're here at the finish line,
where the crowd waits anxiously... see if the winner
will be the cat or the mouse.
Holy smokes, folks.
We can hear them heading
right this way.
They're neck and neck.
Isn't that right, Biff?
That's right.
I too can hardly speak anything articulate
with all this excitement.
At those speeds, how long do you think
it'll take them to reach the finish line?
I'm with you. It's hard to form even
a simple sentence with this excitement.
But who will win? The cat or the mouse?
Feline or rodent? Pet or pest?
The couch-scratcher
or the cheese-nibbler? Who, Biff, who?
And here they come, folks. What
an incredible final lap. Right, Biffaroni?
And they're a mere 5 feet from
the finish line. And in the lead is Tom.
No, Jerry. No, Tom. No, Jerry!
Tom. Jerry. Tom. Jerry.
Tom! Jer...
T! J!
- It's a tie!
- It's a tie!
Congratulations, boys.
I've got good news and bad news.
The good news is, you just finished
the most spectacular race in history.
The bad news is, it's a tie.
And your contract says
you'll both have to do the race...
...all over again.
From now on, Hollywood is going
to stand for morality, wholesomeness...
...good, clean, family entertainment.
What's gotten into him?
We can't have that kind of attitude
in Hollywood.
Well, today is your lucky day, Irving.
Or should I say new head
of Globwobbler Studios!
Gosh. Head of Globwobbler Studios.
Well, how nice of you
to get me a new home...
...since you wrecked my old one.
And while we're...
Tom, there's that mouse again.
Get that mouse out of our house!
Well, don't just stand there,
do something! Get going! Go on, hurry!
Get that mouse out!