Tom Segura: Disgraceful (2018) Movie Script
Ladies and gentlemen...
Tom Segura!
Whoa!
What's up?
Holy shit. Thank you, Denver.
That was amazing.
Thank you so much.
I wish I was home right now.
Um...
No offense. Not personal.
That is literally my first thought
whenever I walk into any room.
I'm like,
"Well, I wish I was home right now."
Uh...
I think it's your thought too.
I think you're like,
"I hope this is good,"
but also, "Wrap this shit up
so I can go home."
I actually think
that's the meaning of life.
Like, people are always philosophizing,
"What is the meaning of life?"
I'll tell you the meaning of life.
The meaning of life is,
"Fuck this place. Let's go home."
Now...
Luckily for all of us,
I think we are five years away
from never leaving our homes again.
And I'm pretty fuckin' excited about it.
There... There are a lot of indicators
if you're paying attention.
Like, number one,
do you ever really process
that you don't have to leave your home
to buy anything?
You're like,
"Yeah, I order some things online."
No, no, no. You can sit on your couch,
pull up your phone, and if you want to,
just be like, "I want bananas.
And I want hammers. And...
I want an eagle's beak."
And then...
Amazon's like,
"It's on your fuckin' doorstep."
How about that?
Isn't that insane to you?
You don't have to leave your home
to see people.
You should. You don't have to.
Just hold up the same device
and be like, "Hi."
"Bye."
And you saw everyone.
But the number-one indicator
that we are not gonna leave our homes
one day very soon
are the number of commercials I see
for beds that sit up for you.
Now...
if you don't know what I'm talking about,
you haven't been watching TV.
There are endless commercials that air,
where basically, a guy comes out
and he's like,
"Doesn't it suck to sit up?"
Something like that. And I guess
the people are like, "It does suck!"
And he goes,
"Well, get this fuckin' bed.
You don't have to sit up no more."
They try to advertise
that it's for snoring.
It's because you're a piece of shit.
That's why you got that bed.
All you've done is lay down.
You've been sleeping for hours, and your
first thought when you wake up is,
"I don't even want to sit up.
I want to go from here to..."
Mm...
Well, wakey-wakey, little turd.
How are you gonna change the world?
That means in two years, we're gonna
be sitting in beds that sit up for us,
and we'll just go, "Food."
And then a mechanical arm
will come out.
And then you'll go, "Shit."
And the bed will open.
And you'll go, bah!
And you'll shit through the bed.
And then you'll be like,
"I'm tired.
I wanna rest. Oh, yeah."
Mm...
And we'll all be 800 pounds.
I can't fuckin' wait. Now...
Speaking of weight, I lost
a decent amount of weight recently.
I was on...
That's right. I was in a weight loss
contest with the fattest man on Earth.
And... Yes.
You may have seen him.
His name is Brent Crystals. And....
I beat him in this contest
because I'm a better person,
but that's not what I want to talk about.
I lost about 50 pounds,
and you know... Yeah.
Maybe... Maybe you're out there right now
and you're thinking, like,
"Hey, man. If you can do that,
I can do that."
Probably not.
I mean, look what I'm doing right now.
Can you do this?
I don't fuckin' think so.
I'm just an awesome guy. But...
You know what sucks? When you lose weight
on a public platform like I did,
you get...I get so many messages.
People are like, "You inspired me."
And I'm like, "Oh, I didn't mean to."
People ask me like,
"Will you coach me into weight loss?"
And I'm like, "Absolutely not."
One guy hit me up like 50 times.
"Give me a message
to get this kick-started."
"I'll give you a message.
When you look in the mirror, do you say,
'I fuckin' hate you'?
Then you're not ready.
Cry more and eat less." Send.
That's my message.
Hey, you asked me. Now...
I'll tell you, on a grand scale, who's
helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks.
And this is true.
They have a national training campaign
to try to trick you into ordering food.
And this is why. They know
you're going to order a beverage.
So, they try to lead you into food.
Pull into any Starbucks drive-through.
And now they greet you, they say,
"Welcome to Starbucks.
What can we get started
for you to eat today?"
And you're like, "Wait, what?
I just wanted coffee."
And they're like, "No shit.
What else do you want?"
You're like,
"I don't know, sausage?
I mean, what do you have?"
I don't respect that.
I like my shame straight-up and honest.
And nobody does that betterthan
the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out.
And if you've never been...
If you've never been in In-N-Out,
get your fuckin' life together and go.
And I want you to go
simply so you can experience
the most shameful and honest question
in all of fast food.
'Cause you pull up and you go, "I'll have
a double-double,fries and a Coke."
And they go,
"Will you be eating in the car?"
"Yeah, I think so."
And they go, "I bet you will,
you fat, fuckin' pile of garbage."
Doesn't that question sting?
You're like, "Am I living in my car?
Why am I eating in my car?"
'Cause if you say no, they give you a bag,
and they're like, "Leave with dignity."
But if you say yes, it's an open tray,
and they go, "Eat out of that, pig."
And then it falls in your lap and they go,
"Pick it up!"
And you're like,
"Hot dog, french fries."
"Are you gonna jerk offwhen you get home
'cause you're lonely?"
And you're like, "Yes, yes."
"We're gonna give you a free milkshake
because you're bummin' everybody out.
We're fast food workers.
You're making us sad.
Get the fuck out of here."
You can't say "retarded" anymore.
It was just here.
Don't you remember?
"Retarded." That's how I...
People get very upset.
I don't really support
the arguments against it.
When people are like,
"You shouldn't say it." "Why?"
"What if there's one over there?"
And you're like...
We never said it like that.
We were never like, "Look at that guy!"
You didn't say it like that.
You said it to describe an idea,
or a situation, you know?
If your friend was like,
"I'll pick you up at your house,
and then we'll come back to my place,
and later we can go back to your house.
And we can get your bags.
And then, we'll come back
over here after that."
And your like, "That's retarded.
Why the fuck would we do that?"
But now you can't say that. Now you've
gotta be like, "That's not... smart.
Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome,
if you ask me."
It's not the same.
You can't say, "That's gay." Damn.
I used to abuse that expression,
I'm not gonna lie.
And never for anything remotely sexual.
I just would say it all the time.
If you were like,
"I'll have a water, no ice."
I'd be like,
"That's gay." You know?
"Why do you have so many balloons?
That's gay." Shit like that.
Can't say it anymore. Now, to be clear,
you can say "that's gay."
But it has to be
for something overtly gay.
Like it has to be
ten guys standing in a line,
each of them has their dick in the ass
of the guy in front of them.
And they're marching and going,
"I want the come.
Give me the come. I want the come."
And then you can go,
"That's gay."
And even then they're like,
"Take it easy."
And you're like,
"All right, jeez."
You can't say "midget."
Goddamn it.
I never thought we'd lose that one.
You can't say it.
People get very upset.
I never said it to be cruel.
And let's be honest.
It was perfectly acceptable for years.
The best part about the word midget,
before it became offensive,
is that it's specific.
You know what someone's talking about.
That's what was great about it.
You could be like, "I was
at the zoo today and I saw a midget."
And you'd be like, "Did they feed him
to the lions? What happened next?"
But now, I can't say that.
Now, I gotta be like,
"I saw a little person."
And you're like,
"Was it a child, or..."
Like, "No. Under 4'11" with the hands."
"Oh, okay."
Now you know what I'm saying.
So...
You might be sitting in your seat now,
going, "Tom, what can we still say?
What can we say?"
I'll tell you what you can say.
White racial slurs.
All of 'em.
Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut,
polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky.
Have fun.
Say 'em all you want.
And if you're not white, and you're going,
"Wait, are you saying I can say those?"
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Nobody cares.
Call up your Italian friend tomorrow
and be like, "Hey, you fuckin' guinea."
And he'll go, "I don't care.
I don't give a shit."
It's not a historically
disenfranchised group.
The best slur of all, for me,
I think, is honky. And I'll tell you why.
The word honky is hilarious...
in and of itself.
But for some reason, truly racist
white people have latched onto that word.
It's like this great indicator
to know if someone's racist.
If they act like that word is offensive,
run, okay?
You don't believe me,
watch the news.
Next time there's some racial fight
in the news, they'll find some hillbilly.
"What happened?" He'll belike,
"Well, he called me a honky."
And they're like, "Did youpass out
from laughing hysterically,
or what happened next?"
He's like, "No, I stabbed him."
And you're like, "Oh, shit.
That's fuckin' crazy."
I'll pay you to call me a honky.
I don't care. It's a great word.
I saw a racial fight recently,
which is terrible, but I watched it.
How are you not gonna watch?
You're gonna watch every fight, you know?
Fights have that weird quality.
Fights are kinda like hand jobs,
in that you don't really want one,
but you're like,
"We'll see where it goes." You know?
"Will you give it a kiss? No? All right."
So, you know.
Had to take a shot. So...
I'm in Philadelphia, walking through
the park in the middle of the day.
Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park.
I'm walking through this park.
And as I'm walking through it,
I see a white guy.
And he yells across the park
to a black guy,
he calls him a n...
And...
When you hear that and you're in public,
you're like, "Oh, my God.
I'm gonna die."
That's your first thought.
And then, another black guy, I don't know
if he lived in the bushes, but...
He popped out of the bushes, like...
if this is a bush right here,
I just saw a black guy go,
"Mm-mm. No.
Not in my park. Uh-uh"
But it's like,
no one else saw that guy.
Only I was like,
"Oh, my God! I see that guy!" Like that.
It became my own personal movie.
I watched him
line up like the honey badger.
He was like, "That one? All right."
He fuckin' sprinted across the park.
And he tackled the white guy.
So instinctively, I just went,
"Get him!"
But it took me a second to realize,
I'm the only other white guy in the park.
Yeah, so like, ten black people turned
and I went, "No!
Him, him!
Our him!"
And they were like, "What?"
And I was like, "I'm out, that's what."
And then they killed that white guy.
And for the record,
I don't give a fuck if they did.
You know why?
There is no such thing
as white-guy loyalty. Okay?
I mean, there is, but those guys
are obvious as they hold torches.
But the rest of us...
The rest of us are not having that shit.
Let me tell you something, man.
I'm jealous of inner-racial loyalty.
'Cause I see it. If you're white,
you see it with other races.
Asians, black people for sure.
What I'm talking about...
There could be a dangerous situation.
Let's say it's a fight,
and there's a black guy in that fight.
And then another black guy,
that doesn't know him, will go,
"I'm gonna involve myself.
Just on account of us
being of the same race.
At our core, we are brothers."
I see that, I'm like, "Wow."
'Cause when you're white and you're
in that situation, you're like,
"Fuck that guy.
I don't know that guy.
Do whatever you want to him.
I don't give a shit."
Let you do something like that guy
in the park,
and then look at me like,
"Are you gonna help out?"
You should know something.
You're about to get murdered. Okay?
I will fuckin' take pictures
as you're beaten,
and upload them,
#honky #deadhonky.
Fuck you, cracker. I'm out of here. Now...
I'll tell you, it is fantastic to be
in the people's republic of Denver.
It is a great city and, uh...
Absolutely love it here.
I think you've probably already
taken it for granted, your lax weed laws.
And you forget. You forget the struggle
that we all went through at one time.
We're all traumatized by it.
I hope you acknowledge that.
We our traumatized
by our upbringing, okay?
If you're over four years old, you are
traumatized by this nation's laws.
And this is what I mean.
I bought weed last week.
The same dude I buy it from all the time.
It was a public place.
The first thing I said to him
when he gave it to me?
I go, "I'm gonna go put it in my car."
And he goes, "Why?"
And I just, instinctively,
I go, "Cause weed."
And he goes, "Tape it to your
fuckin' forehead. Who gives a shit?"
And I was like,
"Oh, yeah, I forgot."
But we, as a nation,
we have been traumatized
by these horrific laws and people
being imprisoned for having weed.
And it highlights the absurdity
of not only it having been illegal,
and so crazy for so many years,
but also,
highlights how the next generation
will not believe
our stories about it at all.
There's a zero percent chance they will
understand what we're talking about.
It'd be like trying to tell a kid now,
like, "Hey, you know pigeons
used to deliver messages to people."
They'd be like,
"What the fuck are you saying right now?"
It would be the same thing.
I'll sit my son down one day
and be like,
"You know when I was your age,
to get weed, I almost died."
And he'll be like, "Why?
Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?"
"They didn't sell it at 7-Eleven.
Daddy used to get in cars
with strangers."
"Where are we going?"
"Chill out." "All right."
The three-hour round trips
to buy weed.
"What kind of weight
were you moving?"
Twenty dollars' worth of marijuana.
That kind of major shit.
I bought weed from a dude
in a stand-alone trailer one time.
Not a trailer park. A solo trailer.
The most terrifying
housing situation that exists.
Where other trailer people are like,
"Get the fuck out of here." Kick 'em out.
I just walked up to that shit, 15. This
dude's like, "You trying to get a sack?"
I was like, "Oh, shit. Yeah."
"We could go do that."
I was like, "All right. Cool."
And he goes, "We just need to go get it."
I was like, "You don't fuckin' have it?
Isn't that your sole responsibility?"
I tried to play cool, "Let's go get it."
He goes, "I'll go get it.
You stay here and watch my place."
And I was like...
"Okay."
Then he goes, "There's a .357
and a shotgun on my bed.
Anybody comes in here, blast 'em."
Inside? Paralysis.
But what I said was,
"That's what's up."
Like, yeah, man. Pow.
Then he stopped at the door.
"But don't shoot my mom."
I go, "Can we get a description
before we agree to terms?
How about a height
and weight on old mom?"
Not everybody agrees on weed.
That's fine, I don't care.
Like my parents, we don't agree...
They are not cool with weed.
I don't care. They're old.
I still love them.
My dad's a Vietnam vet, you know.
Some of them are cool...
Yeah!
- ...with weed.
Some of them are not.
Some don't want to talk about Vietnam.
My dad does.
Some are like,
"I don't want to talk about it."
And my dad's like,
"What do you want to know?"
Here's what I wanted to know
as a kid.
It's terrible to ask a stranger this,
but this was my own father.
And I'd seen a lot of movies.
So, I'm like, "You were in the war.
Did you kill anybody?" The first time
I asked him, he goes, "No, I didn't."
I go, "All right. Okay."
A few years later, I asked him again.
"Did you ever kill anybody?"
He goes, "I was a lieutenant.
I was in charge of people.
It didn't work like that."
I said, "Okay." A few years later,
I asked again, "You ever kill anybody?"
And he goes,
"I threw grenades into bunkers."
I go, "Were there people in there?"
He goes, "There were, yeah.
Just little pieces
by the time I got in there."
Then last year, I go,
"Did you ever kill anybody?"
He goes, "There's no better feeling
than killing the enemy."
Whoa.
I can remember the first time
we ever talked about weed.
Because it was Christmas Day.
That's why it stood out.
I was 12 years old.
I think my sister brought it up.
She was like,
"I want to smoke weed."
And my dad goes, "You want to know
what I think of marijuana?"
And I was genuinely curious.
I go, "What, Dad?"
He goes, "I was at a party one time.
And somebody pulled out
a marijuana cigarette.
And I said, 'I'm out of here.'"
And I was like, "Cool story, nerd.
You got any other ones?"
And he goes, "Well, yeah.
One time, I was in Vietnam,
and some Viet Cong tried
to sell my marines marijuana.
So, I found him,
and I picked him up by his throat,
and I threw him on the ground,
and I put my M16 in his face.
And I said, 'If you ever come here again,
I'll fuckin' kill you.'"
And I go, "Do you have any stories
in between those two stories?"
Jesus. It's Christmas, bro. Goddamn.
Two years after that, there was
a woodpecker fuckin' up our house.
This will all make sense. And...
Woodpeckers can really
damage your house.
I remember my dad paid a guy $500
to patch up that part of the house.
A month later,
the woodpecker returned.
This time,
my dad did not call the guy.
He woke me up, his teenage son,
on a Saturday morning.
Picture you're dead asleep.
And my dad, whispering in your ear,
with his potent dad breath.
He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep,
"I need you to shoot a bird."
I just go, "I don't do that."
And he goes, "Figure it out."
So, I said, "Okay, Lieutenant."
And I got an air rifle.
I shot the woodpecker. I remember,
I shot it mid-peck, so it was going...
Landed in front of me.
So much bigger up close. Really big.
Red feathers, distinct features.
I was blown away.
I bagged it up, I threw it away.
I went over to my girlfriend's house,
I started telling her family
about it over lunch.
I should mention, at the time,
my girlfriend's family
ran a wildlife conservation center. So...
I didn't know my audience.
But... I heard a few forks drop,
and I look up.
And her dad goes,
"Oh, my God.
You killed a long-billed woodpecker.
That's an endangered species."
And I go, "Oh."
I said, "My dad made me do it."
And he goes, "How does that make you feel,
knowing that you did that?"
And I said, "There's no better feeling
than killing the enemy.
It was fuckin' awesome.
I loved it.
Those birds are extinct now.
I did that shit.
I don't give a fuck. I'm crazy." So...
Oh, man.
Don't you hate everyone?
Um...
I mean, obviously, I'm not talking
about you guys. But, uh...
No, I've been on this tour
for a long time. Too long.
And I meet people sometimes
after shows, you know.
I meet people,
and it's always a roll of the dice.
I've been meeting lunatics.
I mean, I meet people.
I met a guy after a show recently.
I'm shaking people's hands, saying hi.
Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh...
And I go, "What?"
And he goes...
I said,
"Where am I from originally?"
And he goes...
I said, "I was born in Cincinnati,
but I moved around a lot.
Yeah!
And he goes, "Huh."
And I go, "Are you a person
that's talking to me right now?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
And then I decipher
that what he's saying is,
"I'm from Lafayette, Louisiana,
about 20 miles south of there.
There's a bunch of Seguras down there.
I thought maybe you're from there too."
And I go, "Oh. Fuckin' no."
And then I realized,
we have this whole population
of Cajun people living amongst us,
like they're one of us.
And they're not.
Why do they have rights?
This guy had the audacity
to ask me, he goes...
I said, "Did you just ask me
if there's a Redbox around here?"
I go, "I don't fuckin' work here."
Like, I thought he was moments away
from being like, "I do declare.
I am a cartoon character
and I've come to life."
Here's all I'm saying.
I support building a wall
if it's around the state of Louisiana
because those people
are out of their fuckin' minds.
You fuckin' swamp people,
we don't need you.
What are we gonna miss out on?
"Where you gonna get your shrimp?"
Oh.
What a contribution.
"No more gator, no more shrimp."
Fuckin' inbreds. So...
Cracker-ass inbreds,
we don't need you.
Fuckin' tell 'em.
They'll see this shit.
Fuck you, cracker. So...
Probably checked in
to 400 hotels this year.
And when I tell you that this has happened
to me more than half a dozen times,
I am not exaggerating.
Every hotel check-in begins,
usually, the same. It's standard.
Hotels, you know, the people at the desk,
they go, "Last name?"
And this just happened to me.
"Last name?"
And I go, "Segura."
And the guy goes,
"Whoa. Are you Japanese?"
And I go,
"Hundred percent, yeah."
He goes, "We don't get a lot of Japanese
people here. That's pretty cool."
So, I have to stop him, and go,
"Hey, man. I'm not Japanese."
And he goes,
"Segura.
Segura!
Sounds Japanese."
I go, "That's 'cause
you're saying it Japanese.
I could be Smith,
and if you want to go 'Smith...'
then it's Japanese."
And he goes, "Well, what are you?"
Which is fuckin' rude.
Can I just say, it's never
important to ask that question.
"What are you?"
It's never important to ask that.
It's sometimes important, but...
not a lot.
When is it important?
Sushi chef, accountant, 100-meter dash.
Outside of that...
Sometimes it matters, so...
I tell 'em. I go,
"Segura is Spanish."
And he goes,
"That's weird. You look white."
And I go, "I am white."
And he goes, "But you're Spanish?"
And I go, "Correct."
He goes, "Do you speak Spanish?"
I said, "Yes."
And he goes,
"So, you're Mexican."
And I go, "No."
And he goes,
"I don't know what's going on."
I said, "What's going on
is you failed fuckin' social studies.
And you're not too good
at geography either."
And then I see his head drop
like he feels bad. "Look, man.
You understand there's white people
in Mexico, you know that."
And he goes, "No, I don't."
I said, "There's white people there, black
people there, even Asian people there.
And if you really want to shit your pants,
those Asian people,
they speak Spanish too.
You don't expect it,
but they're like, 'Dim sum...'
They are...
Asian, and they speak Spanish."
Now, as you can tell, I speak
beautiful, perfect Spanish. And...
It is to no credit of my own.
My mother is Peruvian,
and her English wasn't good.
So, she spoke to us in Spanish.
And that's how I picked up on Spanish.
I get so many different reactions
when people find out I speak Spanish.
I either get completely incredulous people
who are like, "Holy fuckin' shit.
I can't believe what's coming
out of your mouth right now.
I think I'm gonna piss my pants."
And I'm like, "I don't speak Aramaic.
I speak Spanish. Why is this...?"
They're like, "It's not supposed
to come outta you, bro."
So, I get that reaction,
or I get people who are like,
"You speak Spanish?
Yeah, I speak Spanish too."
I'm like, "No, you don't."
They're like,
"No, I took four years in high school."
And I'm like, "Yeah, I played football
for four years in high school,
and the Broncos aren't
giving me a look this week.
So, no, you don't."
Your Spanish sucks.
With a capital "M" for mierda. Now...
I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household,
which means
I listened to a lot of Spanish music.
I only point that out... I think
it's important to point out,
when you listen to Spanish music,
it influences who you become,
like all music would.
For me, I used to listen to this singer
named Juan Luis Guerra,
a Dominican singer.
And he would sing,
just a lot of love songs.
Songs with titles like
"Si Tu Te Vas."
Which means,
"If you were to leave me."
And the lyrics go:
Which means, "If you leave me,
my heart would die."
I'm ten years old and I'm like,
"Oh, shit.
I don't want that to happen."
So, I would balance it out.
I would listen to a lot of Todd Shaw.
And you might know him
by his stage name Too Short.
And he would sing songs...
like "Blow Job Betty." And...
I would go back and forth between
these two great songwriters, you know?
I bust a left nut,
right nut in her jaw
Sperm on her cheeks
is all ya saw
And that's how I go through life today.
Today, I'm basically like, "Hola..."
Sorry, Mom. Now...
By the way, is there any more
satisfying feeling
than letting an elevator door
close on somebody?
I did it...
I did it at the hotel earlier.
I got such a warm rush
through my body.
It felt like the inside of my body hugged
the outside of my body, you know?
I was trying to figure out,
"Why does this feel so good?"
I think it's a taste of power.
Like most of us, we have no power
in our everyday lives.
But if you're alone in an elevator,
you are lord of the elevator shaft.
You get to decide,
like a king with his drawbridge.
There's "Hold Open," and "Close."
And you can watch people walk up
and be like, "Mm-mm."
And you hit that.
And then you see it close,
and you're like...
Sometimes, a second later it opens,
and you're like, "Fuck!"
You get nervous energy, like you're a kid.
You're like, "I'm in trouble."
It's always some lady who's like,
"You didn't see me?"
"I don't even know how thisthing works.
So many buttons.
I tried all of them."
I was trying to figure out, like,
where is power the most equal, you know?
I think it's a parking lot.
Just hear me out.
It doesn't matter what you drive.
If you drive something,
that parking space is yours.
And when you are ready to leave,
and other people
are looking for a place to park...
Oh.
Don't you love that moment?
Like, you're walking back to your car
from the mall on a Saturday,
and you're done shopping,
and see you people like, "Ah...
Where will I park?"
And then they see me.
"Hey, are you...?"
I'll be like, "I don't know.
Maybe."
I like to give them false hope.
Do you ever do that?
They're waitingfor the brake light.
First, they have their blinker on,
like that's an official...
"My blinker's... That shit is mine."
"Okay.
Are the US Marshalsgonna back you up
on this shit right now?"
But they want your brake lights to appear,
'cause that means you're starting the car.
So I'll just hit my brake.
And release it.
And you feel the tension rising.
You're like, "This is exciting."
And then they snap, and they're like,
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
And that's when I go,
"I'm eating In-N-Out. I'm...
I'm gonna have this burger now.
It's probably gonna take an hour,
I don't know."
Then, as soon as they drive by,"No,
I'll eat it later.I'm gonna take off.
Yeah. I'm very philosophical, you guys.
I feel like life is about timing,
you know?
Timing. When to pull out,
when to...
stop wiping.
When do you ask a professional athlete
for his autograph
after a home play-off loss?
And I think the answer is never.
Thankfully, one of my friends
doesn't think this way.
It is my favorite thing that's happened
in my adult life, okay?
One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati.
He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay?
Now... Yeah, I know. They're tough. So...
He goes to their game, they lose,
which isn't weird.
And then...
he decides he's gonna wait in the tunnel,
and ask players for autographs.
Now, if you're like me,
you might be wondering,
"Wait, are you friends with, like,
an eight-year-old boy or something?"
No, it's a grown man. So...
picture me in the tunnel of the stadium,
like, "Hi, guys.
Keep your head up."
"Can I have an autograph?"
And he said they were all like, "No."
And some of them were like, "Fuck you."
Imagine your heroes
being like, "Fuck you."
Oh, my God.
And then, Adam "Pacman" Jones
walked out of the locker room.
Now, if you don't follow football
and you're like,
"I don't know who that is," well,
how can I best describe him?
Um...
One time he went to a strip club,
and a bunch of people got shot.
And then, that happened two more times.
What's up?
I'll give you a sense of his vibe as,
bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang,
ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang.
He is not approachable. So...
my honky-ass friend...
Whoo!
the biggest honky in America...
goes, "Pacman!
Will you sign this football?"
And he said Pacman went, "What?"
Which to me would've been like,
"So you don't? All right, cool."
My friend just decides
to make it more clear.
He's like...
"It's a football. And you play it.
And I just watched you. Uh...
Will you sign this?"
And he said Pac goes,
"What the fuck did you say to me?"
Which, now, I'm like,
"Why are you still there?"
And he's like, "I think, 'cause I'm
actually shitting myself as it happens."
But now he knows he's got one shot.
Pac walks right up to him, like,
"What'd you say?" My friend, he just goes,
"Look, man.
It's a football.
It's for my dad.
And my dad loves you."
He said Pacman looked at him and he said,
"Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him."
That's the end of the story, but...
Don't you love the juxtaposition
of angrily being like,
"You tell that motherfucker," but then,
"Don't forget to say thank you."
I've been trying to incorporate
that into my life.
I was at an airport bar, I wasgetting up,
and they called my flight.
The bartender goes,
"Somebody recognized you.
They sent you a drink."
"Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it.
And he goes, "What the hell
did you just say to me right now?"
I said, "Fuck his mother,
I appreciate her. Tell him that."
Asshole. So...
I still haven't found a place for it,
but I'm working on it. So...
I met, um... Like I said,
I meet a lot of people.
I met a woman after a show recently.
They're allowed at my shows. And...
See? They're here. And, uh...
She came up to me
and she was like...
It's a very specific woman,
all right?
I do feel like I just did
a .02-second impression.
Everybody's like, "I know
who you're talking about right now."
'Cause every city has....
You know my favorite part of that woman?
If you go, "Why are you laughing?"
She'll go, "I'm not."
Okay.
So, she comes up to me and she goes,
"Funny show."
And I go, "Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker,
I appreciate it." So, I go...
I go, "Thank you."
"Are you gonna go jerk off
all over your hotel room now?"
And I was like, "Ugh."
I said, "I'm probably just gonna
pick a spot, you know? I'm not gonna..."
She goes, "Yeah, I get it."
And I was like, "Good."
Then she goes, "I'm super horny."
And I go, "Okay."
She goes, "I'm horny the way guys are."
And I go, "No, you're not."
Then she goes, "Yeah... I am."
And I said, "You're really not."
And she goes, "Yeah, why do you say that?"
And I said,
"Let me tell you a little story.
When I was a freshman in college,
I looked like this.
I looked 47 years old."
It was alarming to other students.
They would see me, and they'd be like,
"Are you a fuckin' administrator here
or something?"
I'd be like, "I'm a freshman. I'm 18."
And they're like, "You're a narc,
that's what you are."
This is my birth face, man.
I'm 41 Jump Street. So...
With this face, came great responsibility.
I bought alcohol for our entire dorm.
I don't mean three or... Everybody.
It wasn't even a challenge.
I looked so old,
that when I walked into liquor stores,
they'd be like, "Hello, sir. How's
the stock market today?" Shit like that.
I bought booze. Everybody got booze.
I did the same thing with pornography.
Let me tell you, before you
jump at me like, "Why would you do that?
You could just watch it
in your dorm room online."
Well, the story takes place
in 1997, and...
there was a lot of buffering back then.
That is the truth.
I don't know if you remember the late '90s
or were even around,
but porn in the late '90s was like,
"Ah. Hm."
"Ah. Hm."
Who am I kidding?
I use my right hand, so, "Ah. Hm."
Now... keep in mind,
I'm not buying porn for a couple buddies.
It is for an entire building
of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college.
You can't wrap your head around how
massive and specific these orders were.
I would go door-to-door,
and guys would hand me cash
and their wish list.
They'd be like, "I want black cocks,
asses and feet. Don't fuck it up."
I was like, "All right."
Do you know what kind
of a psychopath I looked like
walking through a porn store
with a grocery list, like...
"Mom said not to forget."
So, one day, I am buying
outrageous amounts of porn.
And the owner of the store comes up to me.
"You should go to this other store."
And I'm like, "That is a weird thing
to tell your best customer, man."
So I go, "Why?" And he just goes,
"I just think you'll like it."
And so I go, "Okay."
I go. He sends me to
I don't know if you've ever been
to a cement-block building
with no sign or address.
The kind of building that's like, "I don't
know. You fuckin' guess what's in here."
Well, I walk in, and I see a man
wearing overalls and no T-shirt.
Which, I think we all know,
is the international uniform
for the last guy you'll ever see. Now
this guy
is behind the counter.
He looks up and sees me.
And the first words out of his mouth are,
"Piss fetish?"
And I go, "What?
No."
And he goes, "Oh, I got a full bladder.
Don't want to waste it."
And I go, "What the fuck?"
I said, "Is that what you do around here?"
And he goes, "Among other things."
I said, "Well, then, show me around.
Let me see what else you have."
You know?
I don't want to be closed-minded.
So we go through the store.
He shows me movies and toys.
He goes, "We got a booth.
You can put in a quarter."
And I go, "Yeah, I got it."
And he goes, "But this here's our VIP.
And you'll notice,
there's a hole in the wall.
And if you're standing in there,
someone might stick their finger
through that hole.
And they'll go just like this.
And if you want to,
you stick your prick in that hole,
and someone
will suck it on the other side.
And my dumb ass goes,
"Is it a guy or a girl?"
He goes, "You see any other cars
in that parking lot, Junior?"
So then I felt a pool of diarrhea
forming inside of me.
And fear shooting down my spine.
As I was certain I was gonna getkidnapped
and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty.
So I said
"I''ll just take my movies. Thanks."
So lady, when you say you're horny
"the way guys are,"
I ask you, are you willing
to go into an unmarked building
and wait behind a wall
for a strangerto stick his dick
through a hole in that wall?
And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah,
polish it off for the love of the game?
Because that's what savages men are.
And she goes, "Yeah. I'm not that horny."
And I go, "I know."
See, I just feel a responsibility
to remind women of what pigs men are.
If you're a woman
here with a man right now,
you should know he is two drinks away
from walking to that booth.
And honestly
I'm no better.
If he had answered my question
differently "Is that a guy or a girl?"
He went, "I don't know." I'd be like,
"I don't fuckin' know either, so"
"She's got a rough chin on her, for sure.
Where'd you go, man?
I don't see you anywhere." All right.
I lost some of you on that one.
That's how that goes.
So
I see. Some women are like,
"Mm-mm.
My man would never do that." Okay. Sure.
You want to know
how big of a pig your man is?
He's however big of a pig
you give him permission to be.
Every man has
unlimited "pig-tential."
Just needs a little nudge from you, coach.
How about that?
Doesn't go both ways.
Isn't that fascinating?
If you're a guy, you can't be like,
"I want you to eat it from behind."
She'll be like,"The fuck
did you just say to me right now?"
But a woman can go,
"I want you to eat it from behind."
And we're like
"I'm gonna take some home
in a doggie bag."
I'm getting older. I know.
We all are. But I am.
I feel like I'm getting old.
And I know you guys are looking up,
you're like, "What? You're perfect."
But that's on the outside, you know?
You know
what the biggest kick in the balls is?
Is when your vision starts to decline.
Especially if you've had
perfect vision.
I've never even thought about it.
I've had excellent vision.
I've had vision that's off the charts.
Like, if I'm hanging out with friends,
and there's a sign ten blocks away,
I can see it.
"How do you see that?"
"Jesus loves me. I see it.
I can see it right now."
And now I have, like, the squint of death.
Or I look at shit like that.
People are like, "You all right?"
"Yeah. I'm just looking at shit.
Don't you ever look at shit?"
And it's tough to accept.
I've been in denial.
You know where you
can't be in denial anymore?
The DMV.
I went to renew my license.
And when you go, you sign and you pay.
Very casually, the lady goes,
"Can you read line three?"
And I was still arrogant about it.
I was like, "Pfft. Check this shit out.
A, X, G, L, seven."
She goes, "Seven?"
I go, "What the fuck is that?
I don't think I've ever seen that symbol
before in my entire life."
And she goes, "That's a T."
So, I went...
"Pretty close."
And she goes, "Yeah, you're right.
That's pretty close."
It's the Los Angeles DMV, so...
I leave. I'm in a panic.
I go straight to my doctor.
I go to the same abusive asshole doctor
I've been seeing for over a decade.
I walk into his office.
I go, "Dude, test my vision."
And he goes,
"You should get a prostate exam."
I'm like, "For my eyes?"
And he goes, "You should do it."
"I'm not even 40."He goes, "Try it."
I'm like, "Try it?
Like a sorbet?
Just see if I'm into this flavor?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
And I go, "All right, you're my doctor.
So, okay."
So, I'm naked. I'm in the fetal position.
He lubes up. It is a ton of lube.
I didn't know that.
I was like, "That's why I've
never had success with this before."
And he goes, "You're gonna feel
a little bit of pressure.
And that is my cock...
It's my finger," like that.
It's moderately funny.
But if someone's finger
is going in your ass,
as they say that, you're laughing.
I promise you, you're laughing.
Just out of appreciation, you know.
You're like, "You said cock."
That's crazy.
And then he checks,
rather aggressively, I would add.
He goes, "You feel all right."
I go, "Okay."
Then he goes,
"Hey, if you want a second opinion,
I could put another finger in there."
So, I go...
"Get it out."
He goes, "Well, stop laughing.
Every time you laugh,
you're clamping on me.
I can't get my finger out
until you stop laughing."
And I go, "Get it the fuck out. Now."
Then I sit up. I go,
"Did you just give me a prostate exam
so you could run
those two lame-ass jokes by me?"
And he goes, "Yes, I did."
And I said,
"It was really funny, actually."
Then he tested my vision.
He washed his hands, he tested my vision.
And he goes, "You're right.
You have latent farsightedness."
I go, "What does that mean?"
This is his quote.
"Your vision's always sucked.
You just didn't know it."
I go, "Do you care to explain more?"
He goes, "Think of it like this.
Your eyes have been fighting
to make you think you can see well.
And now they're tired.
That's why you're here."
I go, "Dude, that's like me saying,
'I'm young, uh, and my skin got tired.
Now I'm old.'"
He goes, "That's an interesting way
of putting it." I go, "No, it isn't.
I'm just old and blind."
"Don't forget you're balding."
And I go, "I know.
I used to have hair, but they got tired,
then they fell out."
And he goes, "Now, you're getting it."
I'm like, "Dude.
How do you get paid to do this?"
And I get why you laugh
at my physical flaws.
Physical flaws are funny. They just are.
Disabilities are not.
But some are.
Most aren't. We know those ones, you know?
Like, if there's a 10K or a quilt.
That's pretty bad, but...
The rest are up for debate.
If you're sitting here and you're like,
"Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?"
Well, luckily for you,
I have three examples.
First... foreign accent syndrome.
Some of you know about it,
some of you don't.
It's real. You can look it up
on your way out of here.
Some people experience head trauma.
Not funny.
But they wake up speaking their
native language with a foreign accent.
Very funny.
I defy you to watch interviews with these
people and not piss yourself laughing.
Do you understand?
Like, a farmer in Alabama
who's normally like...
That guy...
hits his head and is now like,
"Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh...
It fell."
That's not funny to you,
you piece of shit? Really?
The best case ever of foreign accent
syndrome happened in the UK.
Not only was it a British woman
who lived her entire life in the UK,
she'd never left the town
she was born in for 33 years.
She was in an accident,
and she woke up speaking English,
but with a Chinese foreign accent.
Did you hear what I just fuckin' said?
Do you now believe in God
and his awesome sense of humor?
A British lady, who,
her whole life, was like,
"Hello.
It's a bit of a whiffle, isn't it?
Like that.
Now says,
"I have not had
my conversation,
and it's over three year now."
First, do you know how hard it is
to do that impression without squinting?
Secondly...
if you're getting uncomfortable, like,
"Whoa. He's mocking an Asian accent?"
No. She's white. This is fine.
A white...
British lady just happens to say,
"Would you like...
a cup of tea?
Taste good?
You want milk?
You want biscuit?
Oh, good.
You want me suck the dick now?"
I don't know, whatever.
She's a nice British lady.
She can say whatever she wants.
If you're sitting in your seat
right now and you're like...
"I don't think it's funny."
Well, don't get your tits in a tussle.
I got two more for you. So...
What about persistent
genital arousal disorder?
That is a fancy way of saying,
"Never not coming."
These are people that have orgasms
every 90 seconds.
And they can't have jobs.
Why can't they have jobs, Tom?
'Cause they're coming all the time.
It's not appropriate for you to be like,
"Can I try on this shirt?"
And the guy's like...
"Fuck your shirt.
I'm gonna wear my old shit.
I'm not wearing your fuckin' shirt."
Can you imagine? You're like,
"We're out of orange juice." Or...
Oh.
"Just bring water, that's too much sugar.
I don't want any more of that."
Some people suffer
from both of those afflictions.
It's rare, but it happens.
Can you imagine that?
You walk up to somebody like, "I'm sorry
to hear about your dad passing away."
And he's like...
"That feels good."
I made that one up.
That's not true, but...
That was cheap, but that was fun. Now...
If you're still not on board with this,
how about an old reliable one?
You know, how about Tourette's syndrome.
Yeah.
Maybe you've heard of that.
If you haven't, let me tell you.
When I was in fifth grade, my parents
sent me to a new school on a Wednesday.
I'll never forget. It was a Catholic
school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass.
So picture, you're a new student
at a new school, you don't know anybody,
and the first thing you're doing,
is you're going to church.
So, I walk in and the priest
starts the service.
He goes, "In the name
of the Father, and the Son..."
And the kid in the row
in front of me goes,
"Fuck your cunt."
And I'm like, "Oh.
Uh-uh."
Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye.
He goes, "Holy Spirit."
Starts reading from the Bible.
This kid goes, "Lick my balls!
Fuck you!"
I am laughing so goddamn hard.
But I know I'm not supposed to laugh.
It sounds like I'm having a stroke.
I'm ten. I'm like...
I have tears running down my face.
And finally I am able to get out,
"How come nobody else
is laughing?"
And the kid next to me goes,
"He's got Tourette's.
It gets old."
Three years I was at that school.
That shit never got old.
That was
the greatest gift
God ever bestowed upon me.
And I'll tell you this.
The greatest day of my life,
up until the day my son was born,
was the day we had
a substitute teacher that year,
and they didn't warn her about him.
Your imagination is serving you correctly.
It was glorious.
I watched a ten-year-old boy
break a grown woman's spirit.
These poor substitutes don't know
what's going on in your class.
She walked in
Somehow, they didn't tell her.
And she's like, "Read chapter three."
And his ticks would build.
Meaning, they would start small.
So he would be sitting in class,
like
So she goes, "What's going on?"
And we're like
"She doesn't know."
And he would do this every day.
He would take markers
and paint his own shirt.
Every day he did it,
but she doesn't know about it.
She sees it. "What are you doing?"
"What do you think, bitch?"
Then he starts painting his face
with the marker.
And she goes, "Stop that."
And he goes, "Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you."
And she's like, "What's happening?
What's happening?"
And we go, "That's Kevin.
Why are you crying so much right now?"
She killed herself. She's dead. So
She's out of teaching, but she's fine. So
I know.
Some of you guys are like,
"Jesus, he's a real jerk."
I'm not that bad. I'm not.
I'm a new dad. How about that?
I, uh... Yeah.
Yeah. It's the best.
It's awesome. Guys always hit me up.
I don't know why they trust me.
"Should I do it?"
And I'm like, "Of course you should do it.
It's the best. It's awesome.
They're amazing. And also, being a dad
is easy, man. Super easy.
It's way easier than being a mom."
Here's all you gotta do
if you want to be a great dad, seriously.
Don't abandon your kid.
That's it. That's all you gotta do.
No, I do believe being a mother
is inherently harder,
especially at the beginning.
And that's why I don't like
when I hear men complain about it.
I have friends that are like,
"My kid cries a lot."
And I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause you're
his dad. That's why he cries a lot.
If I saw your face first thing
in the morning,
I'd bawl my fuckin' eyes out too, so..."
What do you mean, "He cries"?
He can't talk, you dumb-shit.
"Ah" means something.
Figure it the fuck out.
That's why they make them so cute.
Did you know that?
It's so you don't strangle them.
My son is so fuckin' cute.
He's not Asian-baby cute,
but he's right below that, you know?
Asian babies are cuter
than bunnies and puppies combined.
I would throw away 20 white babies
to have an Asian baby.
But thankfully, the exchange rate
is better than that, so...
Five? I don't know.
Can we please stop, collectively,
as a society, stop pushing the myth
that having a baby is a selfless act?
I hear people say that shit.
"It's the most selfless thing...
that you'll ever do." No, it's not.
It's not selfless. It's selfish.
Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall
in love with a miniature version of you.
What's more selfish than that?
You're like, "This is awesome.
It looks just fuckin' like me.
I've never loved anything more
in my entire life.
My favorite parts of you
are the parts that look like me.
Some parts look like you.
Those parts are all right, but...
the parts that look like me
are amazing.
I would do anything for you,
mostly because I feel
like I'm doing it for myself.
You're the best, new fresh me."
That's what you're doing.
You're populating the world
with more of you.
You're saying, "I'm fantastic.
Here's another one of me."
Do we really need
that many more of you? Yeah?
I mean, do we? I mean,
Martin Luther King Jr. had four.
I get it. He should've had ten.
But you?
All excited about, "Crab legs are on sale
at Costco on Sunday, y'all."
I think we're all good on you.
I think maybe you should stop.
Now, I'll be real with you.
If you're wondering about it,
about parenthood,
you're gonna have no more time.
It's okay, 'cause you'll still have
moments. Time and moments are different.
What's time? Time is like,
let's say tomorrow
you sleep in till noon,
and then you eat food in bed.
And then you go, "Fuck today."
And you go back to sleep.
You got a lot of time on your hands.
Moments are like, you take a sip
of something. "That's good."
That moment is now over. See?
You live in moments.
Masturbating is important,
you know?
You appreciate it more
when you're a parent.
I look forward to masturbating
more than sex.
You know why? 'Cause I know
I'm gonna treat me right. That's why.
Yeah. I love it, man.
I clear the bed. The dogs can watch,
but nobody else, you know.
I'm at the point now where I taunt myself.
Any of you do that?
I'll lay in bed and I'll be like,
"Who's been a good boy? Oh.
Who's been good?
Who's been bad?"
And then I grab my balls from behind,
like, "Who the fuck was that?
Did you...?
You brought somebody?"
"I didn't bring anybody." But...
I keep it exciting.
I'm telling you the truth!
"Cool shoes, Tom. Where'd you get 'em."
All right, I'll tell you. So...
I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon.
And did a few shows.
Big show like this.
A group came up to me afterwards,
and they go,
"We noticed you have Nikes on.
Do you like them?"
And I go, "Yes."
"Do you want to come
to Nike headquarters tomorrow?"
And I said, "Not really. No.
I like your shoes.
I don't want to see your office, man."
And he goes, "Well, you can shop
at the employee store."
So, I go, "What's that?"
He said, "It's a warehouse
that has every product imaginable.
And you would get 50 percent off."
And I go, "How about I rent a U-Haul
and I empty your fuckin' store tomorrow?"
He goes, "Have at it."
I get excited.
Next morning he calls me.
He goes, "I wanted to tell you,
you can come to Nike,
but you're not allowed to shop
in our store."
And I go, "Why?" He goes, "We put your
name in our system, and it was flagged."
I'm like, "Flagged. By Nike.
For not doing sit-ups?
What the fuck is that all about?"
And he goes, "No.
You're a person of influence."
And I go, "Excuse me?"
He goes, "You're an entertainer.
We call that a person of influence.
You're not allowed to shop in the store."
I go, "That's fucked up."
"You can try to go
through the entertainment division."
"What's that?" And he goes,
"That's free stuff." I go, "All right."
So...
I get that number and I call.
And this guy answers,
"Nike Entertainment."
And I go, "Hey. Tom Segura."
And he goes, "Okay."
And I go, "I'm a person of influence."
And he goes, "Okay." And I go,
"I'm calling about my free shit."
And he goes, "All right." And I go,
"So, how do you want to do it?"
And he goes, "We'll regroup,
and we'll get back to you."
And I go, "Okay."
And they never called,
so I bought these Adidas for $130. So...
Fuck you, Nike!
Let's see if you even survive
without my purchases now.
You want to know how crazy
that company is?
I told that story in New York City
at a show.
And the next day, a Nike executive
got my cell phone number,
and called me and goes,
"I was at your show last night.
And I think it's very rude
that you're telling that story."
And I go, "Pfft. I think it's rude
that you didn't give me free shit."
"I think you shouldstop
telling that story."
And I go, "Fuck you.
Get out of here, man."
And he goes, "Fuck you."
And I go,
"Why don't you change my diaper?"
And he goes, "What?"
I said, "You heard me, bitch."
And it was at that moment I realized,
we have this amazing insult
at our fingertips
that we're just not utilizing enough.
Why isn't "Change my diaper"
part of the lexicon?
It should be the ultimate insult.
It should be "Fuck you."
"Why don't you fuck your mother?"
"Why don't you change my diaper?"
Game over.
I'm serious. Rappers should wear them
in videos, and be like,
"Change my diaper, bitch."
The president of another country
should tell ours...
"Change my diaper, orange man."
And listen.
If you're a parent, you know exactly why
that insult is so appealing.
If you're not, let me key you in
on a little secret.
There's a reason your asshole
is the only part of your body
you can't physically see.
It's a fuckin' horror show, okay?
When you have a little one,
you have a front-row seat for years.
And my son shits
with his eyes closed.
I don't know how often you do that.
I'm guessing it's twice a year.
Maybe the day
you get back from Cancun,
and when you tell the lady
in the Thai restaurant,
"Yeah, I can handle my spice."
My son, every single shit,
he's like...
And when he's done, he makes eye contact,
and you're like, "Whoa."
And he pushes out the last bit
as he stares through you.
He's like... And you're like,
"Ugh. You're nasty as hell. Gross."
Just once, it would be nice if, as I'm
cleaning my son's shit-filled asshole,
if he would look up at me.
"Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it."
And I'd be like,
"Yeah. And I appreciate you."
Thanks, Denver.
You're so much fun.
Have a great night.
Appreciate you very much.
Thank you so much.
You're the best.
Thank you so much. You guys are the best.
Love you. Good night.
Tom Segura!
Whoa!
What's up?
Holy shit. Thank you, Denver.
That was amazing.
Thank you so much.
I wish I was home right now.
Um...
No offense. Not personal.
That is literally my first thought
whenever I walk into any room.
I'm like,
"Well, I wish I was home right now."
Uh...
I think it's your thought too.
I think you're like,
"I hope this is good,"
but also, "Wrap this shit up
so I can go home."
I actually think
that's the meaning of life.
Like, people are always philosophizing,
"What is the meaning of life?"
I'll tell you the meaning of life.
The meaning of life is,
"Fuck this place. Let's go home."
Now...
Luckily for all of us,
I think we are five years away
from never leaving our homes again.
And I'm pretty fuckin' excited about it.
There... There are a lot of indicators
if you're paying attention.
Like, number one,
do you ever really process
that you don't have to leave your home
to buy anything?
You're like,
"Yeah, I order some things online."
No, no, no. You can sit on your couch,
pull up your phone, and if you want to,
just be like, "I want bananas.
And I want hammers. And...
I want an eagle's beak."
And then...
Amazon's like,
"It's on your fuckin' doorstep."
How about that?
Isn't that insane to you?
You don't have to leave your home
to see people.
You should. You don't have to.
Just hold up the same device
and be like, "Hi."
"Bye."
And you saw everyone.
But the number-one indicator
that we are not gonna leave our homes
one day very soon
are the number of commercials I see
for beds that sit up for you.
Now...
if you don't know what I'm talking about,
you haven't been watching TV.
There are endless commercials that air,
where basically, a guy comes out
and he's like,
"Doesn't it suck to sit up?"
Something like that. And I guess
the people are like, "It does suck!"
And he goes,
"Well, get this fuckin' bed.
You don't have to sit up no more."
They try to advertise
that it's for snoring.
It's because you're a piece of shit.
That's why you got that bed.
All you've done is lay down.
You've been sleeping for hours, and your
first thought when you wake up is,
"I don't even want to sit up.
I want to go from here to..."
Mm...
Well, wakey-wakey, little turd.
How are you gonna change the world?
That means in two years, we're gonna
be sitting in beds that sit up for us,
and we'll just go, "Food."
And then a mechanical arm
will come out.
And then you'll go, "Shit."
And the bed will open.
And you'll go, bah!
And you'll shit through the bed.
And then you'll be like,
"I'm tired.
I wanna rest. Oh, yeah."
Mm...
And we'll all be 800 pounds.
I can't fuckin' wait. Now...
Speaking of weight, I lost
a decent amount of weight recently.
I was on...
That's right. I was in a weight loss
contest with the fattest man on Earth.
And... Yes.
You may have seen him.
His name is Brent Crystals. And....
I beat him in this contest
because I'm a better person,
but that's not what I want to talk about.
I lost about 50 pounds,
and you know... Yeah.
Maybe... Maybe you're out there right now
and you're thinking, like,
"Hey, man. If you can do that,
I can do that."
Probably not.
I mean, look what I'm doing right now.
Can you do this?
I don't fuckin' think so.
I'm just an awesome guy. But...
You know what sucks? When you lose weight
on a public platform like I did,
you get...I get so many messages.
People are like, "You inspired me."
And I'm like, "Oh, I didn't mean to."
People ask me like,
"Will you coach me into weight loss?"
And I'm like, "Absolutely not."
One guy hit me up like 50 times.
"Give me a message
to get this kick-started."
"I'll give you a message.
When you look in the mirror, do you say,
'I fuckin' hate you'?
Then you're not ready.
Cry more and eat less." Send.
That's my message.
Hey, you asked me. Now...
I'll tell you, on a grand scale, who's
helping nobody lose weight is Starbucks.
And this is true.
They have a national training campaign
to try to trick you into ordering food.
And this is why. They know
you're going to order a beverage.
So, they try to lead you into food.
Pull into any Starbucks drive-through.
And now they greet you, they say,
"Welcome to Starbucks.
What can we get started
for you to eat today?"
And you're like, "Wait, what?
I just wanted coffee."
And they're like, "No shit.
What else do you want?"
You're like,
"I don't know, sausage?
I mean, what do you have?"
I don't respect that.
I like my shame straight-up and honest.
And nobody does that betterthan
the West Coast burger chain In-N-Out.
And if you've never been...
If you've never been in In-N-Out,
get your fuckin' life together and go.
And I want you to go
simply so you can experience
the most shameful and honest question
in all of fast food.
'Cause you pull up and you go, "I'll have
a double-double,fries and a Coke."
And they go,
"Will you be eating in the car?"
"Yeah, I think so."
And they go, "I bet you will,
you fat, fuckin' pile of garbage."
Doesn't that question sting?
You're like, "Am I living in my car?
Why am I eating in my car?"
'Cause if you say no, they give you a bag,
and they're like, "Leave with dignity."
But if you say yes, it's an open tray,
and they go, "Eat out of that, pig."
And then it falls in your lap and they go,
"Pick it up!"
And you're like,
"Hot dog, french fries."
"Are you gonna jerk offwhen you get home
'cause you're lonely?"
And you're like, "Yes, yes."
"We're gonna give you a free milkshake
because you're bummin' everybody out.
We're fast food workers.
You're making us sad.
Get the fuck out of here."
You can't say "retarded" anymore.
It was just here.
Don't you remember?
"Retarded." That's how I...
People get very upset.
I don't really support
the arguments against it.
When people are like,
"You shouldn't say it." "Why?"
"What if there's one over there?"
And you're like...
We never said it like that.
We were never like, "Look at that guy!"
You didn't say it like that.
You said it to describe an idea,
or a situation, you know?
If your friend was like,
"I'll pick you up at your house,
and then we'll come back to my place,
and later we can go back to your house.
And we can get your bags.
And then, we'll come back
over here after that."
And your like, "That's retarded.
Why the fuck would we do that?"
But now you can't say that. Now you've
gotta be like, "That's not... smart.
Your idea has an extra 21st chromosome,
if you ask me."
It's not the same.
You can't say, "That's gay." Damn.
I used to abuse that expression,
I'm not gonna lie.
And never for anything remotely sexual.
I just would say it all the time.
If you were like,
"I'll have a water, no ice."
I'd be like,
"That's gay." You know?
"Why do you have so many balloons?
That's gay." Shit like that.
Can't say it anymore. Now, to be clear,
you can say "that's gay."
But it has to be
for something overtly gay.
Like it has to be
ten guys standing in a line,
each of them has their dick in the ass
of the guy in front of them.
And they're marching and going,
"I want the come.
Give me the come. I want the come."
And then you can go,
"That's gay."
And even then they're like,
"Take it easy."
And you're like,
"All right, jeez."
You can't say "midget."
Goddamn it.
I never thought we'd lose that one.
You can't say it.
People get very upset.
I never said it to be cruel.
And let's be honest.
It was perfectly acceptable for years.
The best part about the word midget,
before it became offensive,
is that it's specific.
You know what someone's talking about.
That's what was great about it.
You could be like, "I was
at the zoo today and I saw a midget."
And you'd be like, "Did they feed him
to the lions? What happened next?"
But now, I can't say that.
Now, I gotta be like,
"I saw a little person."
And you're like,
"Was it a child, or..."
Like, "No. Under 4'11" with the hands."
"Oh, okay."
Now you know what I'm saying.
So...
You might be sitting in your seat now,
going, "Tom, what can we still say?
What can we say?"
I'll tell you what you can say.
White racial slurs.
All of 'em.
Let her rip. Cracker, mick, kraut,
polack, frog, guinea, wop, honky.
Have fun.
Say 'em all you want.
And if you're not white, and you're going,
"Wait, are you saying I can say those?"
That's exactly what I'm saying.
Nobody cares.
Call up your Italian friend tomorrow
and be like, "Hey, you fuckin' guinea."
And he'll go, "I don't care.
I don't give a shit."
It's not a historically
disenfranchised group.
The best slur of all, for me,
I think, is honky. And I'll tell you why.
The word honky is hilarious...
in and of itself.
But for some reason, truly racist
white people have latched onto that word.
It's like this great indicator
to know if someone's racist.
If they act like that word is offensive,
run, okay?
You don't believe me,
watch the news.
Next time there's some racial fight
in the news, they'll find some hillbilly.
"What happened?" He'll belike,
"Well, he called me a honky."
And they're like, "Did youpass out
from laughing hysterically,
or what happened next?"
He's like, "No, I stabbed him."
And you're like, "Oh, shit.
That's fuckin' crazy."
I'll pay you to call me a honky.
I don't care. It's a great word.
I saw a racial fight recently,
which is terrible, but I watched it.
How are you not gonna watch?
You're gonna watch every fight, you know?
Fights have that weird quality.
Fights are kinda like hand jobs,
in that you don't really want one,
but you're like,
"We'll see where it goes." You know?
"Will you give it a kiss? No? All right."
So, you know.
Had to take a shot. So...
I'm in Philadelphia, walking through
the park in the middle of the day.
Beautiful day in Philly, beautiful park.
I'm walking through this park.
And as I'm walking through it,
I see a white guy.
And he yells across the park
to a black guy,
he calls him a n...
And...
When you hear that and you're in public,
you're like, "Oh, my God.
I'm gonna die."
That's your first thought.
And then, another black guy, I don't know
if he lived in the bushes, but...
He popped out of the bushes, like...
if this is a bush right here,
I just saw a black guy go,
"Mm-mm. No.
Not in my park. Uh-uh"
But it's like,
no one else saw that guy.
Only I was like,
"Oh, my God! I see that guy!" Like that.
It became my own personal movie.
I watched him
line up like the honey badger.
He was like, "That one? All right."
He fuckin' sprinted across the park.
And he tackled the white guy.
So instinctively, I just went,
"Get him!"
But it took me a second to realize,
I'm the only other white guy in the park.
Yeah, so like, ten black people turned
and I went, "No!
Him, him!
Our him!"
And they were like, "What?"
And I was like, "I'm out, that's what."
And then they killed that white guy.
And for the record,
I don't give a fuck if they did.
You know why?
There is no such thing
as white-guy loyalty. Okay?
I mean, there is, but those guys
are obvious as they hold torches.
But the rest of us...
The rest of us are not having that shit.
Let me tell you something, man.
I'm jealous of inner-racial loyalty.
'Cause I see it. If you're white,
you see it with other races.
Asians, black people for sure.
What I'm talking about...
There could be a dangerous situation.
Let's say it's a fight,
and there's a black guy in that fight.
And then another black guy,
that doesn't know him, will go,
"I'm gonna involve myself.
Just on account of us
being of the same race.
At our core, we are brothers."
I see that, I'm like, "Wow."
'Cause when you're white and you're
in that situation, you're like,
"Fuck that guy.
I don't know that guy.
Do whatever you want to him.
I don't give a shit."
Let you do something like that guy
in the park,
and then look at me like,
"Are you gonna help out?"
You should know something.
You're about to get murdered. Okay?
I will fuckin' take pictures
as you're beaten,
and upload them,
#honky #deadhonky.
Fuck you, cracker. I'm out of here. Now...
I'll tell you, it is fantastic to be
in the people's republic of Denver.
It is a great city and, uh...
Absolutely love it here.
I think you've probably already
taken it for granted, your lax weed laws.
And you forget. You forget the struggle
that we all went through at one time.
We're all traumatized by it.
I hope you acknowledge that.
We our traumatized
by our upbringing, okay?
If you're over four years old, you are
traumatized by this nation's laws.
And this is what I mean.
I bought weed last week.
The same dude I buy it from all the time.
It was a public place.
The first thing I said to him
when he gave it to me?
I go, "I'm gonna go put it in my car."
And he goes, "Why?"
And I just, instinctively,
I go, "Cause weed."
And he goes, "Tape it to your
fuckin' forehead. Who gives a shit?"
And I was like,
"Oh, yeah, I forgot."
But we, as a nation,
we have been traumatized
by these horrific laws and people
being imprisoned for having weed.
And it highlights the absurdity
of not only it having been illegal,
and so crazy for so many years,
but also,
highlights how the next generation
will not believe
our stories about it at all.
There's a zero percent chance they will
understand what we're talking about.
It'd be like trying to tell a kid now,
like, "Hey, you know pigeons
used to deliver messages to people."
They'd be like,
"What the fuck are you saying right now?"
It would be the same thing.
I'll sit my son down one day
and be like,
"You know when I was your age,
to get weed, I almost died."
And he'll be like, "Why?
Was 7-Eleven on fire or something?"
"They didn't sell it at 7-Eleven.
Daddy used to get in cars
with strangers."
"Where are we going?"
"Chill out." "All right."
The three-hour round trips
to buy weed.
"What kind of weight
were you moving?"
Twenty dollars' worth of marijuana.
That kind of major shit.
I bought weed from a dude
in a stand-alone trailer one time.
Not a trailer park. A solo trailer.
The most terrifying
housing situation that exists.
Where other trailer people are like,
"Get the fuck out of here." Kick 'em out.
I just walked up to that shit, 15. This
dude's like, "You trying to get a sack?"
I was like, "Oh, shit. Yeah."
"We could go do that."
I was like, "All right. Cool."
And he goes, "We just need to go get it."
I was like, "You don't fuckin' have it?
Isn't that your sole responsibility?"
I tried to play cool, "Let's go get it."
He goes, "I'll go get it.
You stay here and watch my place."
And I was like...
"Okay."
Then he goes, "There's a .357
and a shotgun on my bed.
Anybody comes in here, blast 'em."
Inside? Paralysis.
But what I said was,
"That's what's up."
Like, yeah, man. Pow.
Then he stopped at the door.
"But don't shoot my mom."
I go, "Can we get a description
before we agree to terms?
How about a height
and weight on old mom?"
Not everybody agrees on weed.
That's fine, I don't care.
Like my parents, we don't agree...
They are not cool with weed.
I don't care. They're old.
I still love them.
My dad's a Vietnam vet, you know.
Some of them are cool...
Yeah!
- ...with weed.
Some of them are not.
Some don't want to talk about Vietnam.
My dad does.
Some are like,
"I don't want to talk about it."
And my dad's like,
"What do you want to know?"
Here's what I wanted to know
as a kid.
It's terrible to ask a stranger this,
but this was my own father.
And I'd seen a lot of movies.
So, I'm like, "You were in the war.
Did you kill anybody?" The first time
I asked him, he goes, "No, I didn't."
I go, "All right. Okay."
A few years later, I asked him again.
"Did you ever kill anybody?"
He goes, "I was a lieutenant.
I was in charge of people.
It didn't work like that."
I said, "Okay." A few years later,
I asked again, "You ever kill anybody?"
And he goes,
"I threw grenades into bunkers."
I go, "Were there people in there?"
He goes, "There were, yeah.
Just little pieces
by the time I got in there."
Then last year, I go,
"Did you ever kill anybody?"
He goes, "There's no better feeling
than killing the enemy."
Whoa.
I can remember the first time
we ever talked about weed.
Because it was Christmas Day.
That's why it stood out.
I was 12 years old.
I think my sister brought it up.
She was like,
"I want to smoke weed."
And my dad goes, "You want to know
what I think of marijuana?"
And I was genuinely curious.
I go, "What, Dad?"
He goes, "I was at a party one time.
And somebody pulled out
a marijuana cigarette.
And I said, 'I'm out of here.'"
And I was like, "Cool story, nerd.
You got any other ones?"
And he goes, "Well, yeah.
One time, I was in Vietnam,
and some Viet Cong tried
to sell my marines marijuana.
So, I found him,
and I picked him up by his throat,
and I threw him on the ground,
and I put my M16 in his face.
And I said, 'If you ever come here again,
I'll fuckin' kill you.'"
And I go, "Do you have any stories
in between those two stories?"
Jesus. It's Christmas, bro. Goddamn.
Two years after that, there was
a woodpecker fuckin' up our house.
This will all make sense. And...
Woodpeckers can really
damage your house.
I remember my dad paid a guy $500
to patch up that part of the house.
A month later,
the woodpecker returned.
This time,
my dad did not call the guy.
He woke me up, his teenage son,
on a Saturday morning.
Picture you're dead asleep.
And my dad, whispering in your ear,
with his potent dad breath.
He just whispers in my ear, dead asleep,
"I need you to shoot a bird."
I just go, "I don't do that."
And he goes, "Figure it out."
So, I said, "Okay, Lieutenant."
And I got an air rifle.
I shot the woodpecker. I remember,
I shot it mid-peck, so it was going...
Landed in front of me.
So much bigger up close. Really big.
Red feathers, distinct features.
I was blown away.
I bagged it up, I threw it away.
I went over to my girlfriend's house,
I started telling her family
about it over lunch.
I should mention, at the time,
my girlfriend's family
ran a wildlife conservation center. So...
I didn't know my audience.
But... I heard a few forks drop,
and I look up.
And her dad goes,
"Oh, my God.
You killed a long-billed woodpecker.
That's an endangered species."
And I go, "Oh."
I said, "My dad made me do it."
And he goes, "How does that make you feel,
knowing that you did that?"
And I said, "There's no better feeling
than killing the enemy.
It was fuckin' awesome.
I loved it.
Those birds are extinct now.
I did that shit.
I don't give a fuck. I'm crazy." So...
Oh, man.
Don't you hate everyone?
Um...
I mean, obviously, I'm not talking
about you guys. But, uh...
No, I've been on this tour
for a long time. Too long.
And I meet people sometimes
after shows, you know.
I meet people,
and it's always a roll of the dice.
I've been meeting lunatics.
I mean, I meet people.
I met a guy after a show recently.
I'm shaking people's hands, saying hi.
Guy comes up to me, he goes, uh...
And I go, "What?"
And he goes...
I said,
"Where am I from originally?"
And he goes...
I said, "I was born in Cincinnati,
but I moved around a lot.
Yeah!
And he goes, "Huh."
And I go, "Are you a person
that's talking to me right now?"
And he goes, "Yeah."
And then I decipher
that what he's saying is,
"I'm from Lafayette, Louisiana,
about 20 miles south of there.
There's a bunch of Seguras down there.
I thought maybe you're from there too."
And I go, "Oh. Fuckin' no."
And then I realized,
we have this whole population
of Cajun people living amongst us,
like they're one of us.
And they're not.
Why do they have rights?
This guy had the audacity
to ask me, he goes...
I said, "Did you just ask me
if there's a Redbox around here?"
I go, "I don't fuckin' work here."
Like, I thought he was moments away
from being like, "I do declare.
I am a cartoon character
and I've come to life."
Here's all I'm saying.
I support building a wall
if it's around the state of Louisiana
because those people
are out of their fuckin' minds.
You fuckin' swamp people,
we don't need you.
What are we gonna miss out on?
"Where you gonna get your shrimp?"
Oh.
What a contribution.
"No more gator, no more shrimp."
Fuckin' inbreds. So...
Cracker-ass inbreds,
we don't need you.
Fuckin' tell 'em.
They'll see this shit.
Fuck you, cracker. So...
Probably checked in
to 400 hotels this year.
And when I tell you that this has happened
to me more than half a dozen times,
I am not exaggerating.
Every hotel check-in begins,
usually, the same. It's standard.
Hotels, you know, the people at the desk,
they go, "Last name?"
And this just happened to me.
"Last name?"
And I go, "Segura."
And the guy goes,
"Whoa. Are you Japanese?"
And I go,
"Hundred percent, yeah."
He goes, "We don't get a lot of Japanese
people here. That's pretty cool."
So, I have to stop him, and go,
"Hey, man. I'm not Japanese."
And he goes,
"Segura.
Segura!
Sounds Japanese."
I go, "That's 'cause
you're saying it Japanese.
I could be Smith,
and if you want to go 'Smith...'
then it's Japanese."
And he goes, "Well, what are you?"
Which is fuckin' rude.
Can I just say, it's never
important to ask that question.
"What are you?"
It's never important to ask that.
It's sometimes important, but...
not a lot.
When is it important?
Sushi chef, accountant, 100-meter dash.
Outside of that...
Sometimes it matters, so...
I tell 'em. I go,
"Segura is Spanish."
And he goes,
"That's weird. You look white."
And I go, "I am white."
And he goes, "But you're Spanish?"
And I go, "Correct."
He goes, "Do you speak Spanish?"
I said, "Yes."
And he goes,
"So, you're Mexican."
And I go, "No."
And he goes,
"I don't know what's going on."
I said, "What's going on
is you failed fuckin' social studies.
And you're not too good
at geography either."
And then I see his head drop
like he feels bad. "Look, man.
You understand there's white people
in Mexico, you know that."
And he goes, "No, I don't."
I said, "There's white people there, black
people there, even Asian people there.
And if you really want to shit your pants,
those Asian people,
they speak Spanish too.
You don't expect it,
but they're like, 'Dim sum...'
They are...
Asian, and they speak Spanish."
Now, as you can tell, I speak
beautiful, perfect Spanish. And...
It is to no credit of my own.
My mother is Peruvian,
and her English wasn't good.
So, she spoke to us in Spanish.
And that's how I picked up on Spanish.
I get so many different reactions
when people find out I speak Spanish.
I either get completely incredulous people
who are like, "Holy fuckin' shit.
I can't believe what's coming
out of your mouth right now.
I think I'm gonna piss my pants."
And I'm like, "I don't speak Aramaic.
I speak Spanish. Why is this...?"
They're like, "It's not supposed
to come outta you, bro."
So, I get that reaction,
or I get people who are like,
"You speak Spanish?
Yeah, I speak Spanish too."
I'm like, "No, you don't."
They're like,
"No, I took four years in high school."
And I'm like, "Yeah, I played football
for four years in high school,
and the Broncos aren't
giving me a look this week.
So, no, you don't."
Your Spanish sucks.
With a capital "M" for mierda. Now...
I grew up in a Spanish-speaking household,
which means
I listened to a lot of Spanish music.
I only point that out... I think
it's important to point out,
when you listen to Spanish music,
it influences who you become,
like all music would.
For me, I used to listen to this singer
named Juan Luis Guerra,
a Dominican singer.
And he would sing,
just a lot of love songs.
Songs with titles like
"Si Tu Te Vas."
Which means,
"If you were to leave me."
And the lyrics go:
Which means, "If you leave me,
my heart would die."
I'm ten years old and I'm like,
"Oh, shit.
I don't want that to happen."
So, I would balance it out.
I would listen to a lot of Todd Shaw.
And you might know him
by his stage name Too Short.
And he would sing songs...
like "Blow Job Betty." And...
I would go back and forth between
these two great songwriters, you know?
I bust a left nut,
right nut in her jaw
Sperm on her cheeks
is all ya saw
And that's how I go through life today.
Today, I'm basically like, "Hola..."
Sorry, Mom. Now...
By the way, is there any more
satisfying feeling
than letting an elevator door
close on somebody?
I did it...
I did it at the hotel earlier.
I got such a warm rush
through my body.
It felt like the inside of my body hugged
the outside of my body, you know?
I was trying to figure out,
"Why does this feel so good?"
I think it's a taste of power.
Like most of us, we have no power
in our everyday lives.
But if you're alone in an elevator,
you are lord of the elevator shaft.
You get to decide,
like a king with his drawbridge.
There's "Hold Open," and "Close."
And you can watch people walk up
and be like, "Mm-mm."
And you hit that.
And then you see it close,
and you're like...
Sometimes, a second later it opens,
and you're like, "Fuck!"
You get nervous energy, like you're a kid.
You're like, "I'm in trouble."
It's always some lady who's like,
"You didn't see me?"
"I don't even know how thisthing works.
So many buttons.
I tried all of them."
I was trying to figure out, like,
where is power the most equal, you know?
I think it's a parking lot.
Just hear me out.
It doesn't matter what you drive.
If you drive something,
that parking space is yours.
And when you are ready to leave,
and other people
are looking for a place to park...
Oh.
Don't you love that moment?
Like, you're walking back to your car
from the mall on a Saturday,
and you're done shopping,
and see you people like, "Ah...
Where will I park?"
And then they see me.
"Hey, are you...?"
I'll be like, "I don't know.
Maybe."
I like to give them false hope.
Do you ever do that?
They're waitingfor the brake light.
First, they have their blinker on,
like that's an official...
"My blinker's... That shit is mine."
"Okay.
Are the US Marshalsgonna back you up
on this shit right now?"
But they want your brake lights to appear,
'cause that means you're starting the car.
So I'll just hit my brake.
And release it.
And you feel the tension rising.
You're like, "This is exciting."
And then they snap, and they're like,
"What the fuck are you doing?!"
And that's when I go,
"I'm eating In-N-Out. I'm...
I'm gonna have this burger now.
It's probably gonna take an hour,
I don't know."
Then, as soon as they drive by,"No,
I'll eat it later.I'm gonna take off.
Yeah. I'm very philosophical, you guys.
I feel like life is about timing,
you know?
Timing. When to pull out,
when to...
stop wiping.
When do you ask a professional athlete
for his autograph
after a home play-off loss?
And I think the answer is never.
Thankfully, one of my friends
doesn't think this way.
It is my favorite thing that's happened
in my adult life, okay?
One of my buddies, he lives in Cincinnati.
He is a big Cincinnati Bengals fan, okay?
Now... Yeah, I know. They're tough. So...
He goes to their game, they lose,
which isn't weird.
And then...
he decides he's gonna wait in the tunnel,
and ask players for autographs.
Now, if you're like me,
you might be wondering,
"Wait, are you friends with, like,
an eight-year-old boy or something?"
No, it's a grown man. So...
picture me in the tunnel of the stadium,
like, "Hi, guys.
Keep your head up."
"Can I have an autograph?"
And he said they were all like, "No."
And some of them were like, "Fuck you."
Imagine your heroes
being like, "Fuck you."
Oh, my God.
And then, Adam "Pacman" Jones
walked out of the locker room.
Now, if you don't follow football
and you're like,
"I don't know who that is," well,
how can I best describe him?
Um...
One time he went to a strip club,
and a bunch of people got shot.
And then, that happened two more times.
What's up?
I'll give you a sense of his vibe as,
bang-bang, ba-bang-bang-bang,
ba-bang-bang-bang-bang-bang.
He is not approachable. So...
my honky-ass friend...
Whoo!
the biggest honky in America...
goes, "Pacman!
Will you sign this football?"
And he said Pacman went, "What?"
Which to me would've been like,
"So you don't? All right, cool."
My friend just decides
to make it more clear.
He's like...
"It's a football. And you play it.
And I just watched you. Uh...
Will you sign this?"
And he said Pac goes,
"What the fuck did you say to me?"
Which, now, I'm like,
"Why are you still there?"
And he's like, "I think, 'cause I'm
actually shitting myself as it happens."
But now he knows he's got one shot.
Pac walks right up to him, like,
"What'd you say?" My friend, he just goes,
"Look, man.
It's a football.
It's for my dad.
And my dad loves you."
He said Pacman looked at him and he said,
"Tell that motherfucker I appreciate him."
That's the end of the story, but...
Don't you love the juxtaposition
of angrily being like,
"You tell that motherfucker," but then,
"Don't forget to say thank you."
I've been trying to incorporate
that into my life.
I was at an airport bar, I wasgetting up,
and they called my flight.
The bartender goes,
"Somebody recognized you.
They sent you a drink."
"Tell that motherfucker I appreciate it.
And he goes, "What the hell
did you just say to me right now?"
I said, "Fuck his mother,
I appreciate her. Tell him that."
Asshole. So...
I still haven't found a place for it,
but I'm working on it. So...
I met, um... Like I said,
I meet a lot of people.
I met a woman after a show recently.
They're allowed at my shows. And...
See? They're here. And, uh...
She came up to me
and she was like...
It's a very specific woman,
all right?
I do feel like I just did
a .02-second impression.
Everybody's like, "I know
who you're talking about right now."
'Cause every city has....
You know my favorite part of that woman?
If you go, "Why are you laughing?"
She'll go, "I'm not."
Okay.
So, she comes up to me and she goes,
"Funny show."
And I go, "Thanks. Thanks, motherfucker,
I appreciate it." So, I go...
I go, "Thank you."
"Are you gonna go jerk off
all over your hotel room now?"
And I was like, "Ugh."
I said, "I'm probably just gonna
pick a spot, you know? I'm not gonna..."
She goes, "Yeah, I get it."
And I was like, "Good."
Then she goes, "I'm super horny."
And I go, "Okay."
She goes, "I'm horny the way guys are."
And I go, "No, you're not."
Then she goes, "Yeah... I am."
And I said, "You're really not."
And she goes, "Yeah, why do you say that?"
And I said,
"Let me tell you a little story.
When I was a freshman in college,
I looked like this.
I looked 47 years old."
It was alarming to other students.
They would see me, and they'd be like,
"Are you a fuckin' administrator here
or something?"
I'd be like, "I'm a freshman. I'm 18."
And they're like, "You're a narc,
that's what you are."
This is my birth face, man.
I'm 41 Jump Street. So...
With this face, came great responsibility.
I bought alcohol for our entire dorm.
I don't mean three or... Everybody.
It wasn't even a challenge.
I looked so old,
that when I walked into liquor stores,
they'd be like, "Hello, sir. How's
the stock market today?" Shit like that.
I bought booze. Everybody got booze.
I did the same thing with pornography.
Let me tell you, before you
jump at me like, "Why would you do that?
You could just watch it
in your dorm room online."
Well, the story takes place
in 1997, and...
there was a lot of buffering back then.
That is the truth.
I don't know if you remember the late '90s
or were even around,
but porn in the late '90s was like,
"Ah. Hm."
"Ah. Hm."
Who am I kidding?
I use my right hand, so, "Ah. Hm."
Now... keep in mind,
I'm not buying porn for a couple buddies.
It is for an entire building
of 18-year-old freshmen dudes in college.
You can't wrap your head around how
massive and specific these orders were.
I would go door-to-door,
and guys would hand me cash
and their wish list.
They'd be like, "I want black cocks,
asses and feet. Don't fuck it up."
I was like, "All right."
Do you know what kind
of a psychopath I looked like
walking through a porn store
with a grocery list, like...
"Mom said not to forget."
So, one day, I am buying
outrageous amounts of porn.
And the owner of the store comes up to me.
"You should go to this other store."
And I'm like, "That is a weird thing
to tell your best customer, man."
So I go, "Why?" And he just goes,
"I just think you'll like it."
And so I go, "Okay."
I go. He sends me to
I don't know if you've ever been
to a cement-block building
with no sign or address.
The kind of building that's like, "I don't
know. You fuckin' guess what's in here."
Well, I walk in, and I see a man
wearing overalls and no T-shirt.
Which, I think we all know,
is the international uniform
for the last guy you'll ever see. Now
this guy
is behind the counter.
He looks up and sees me.
And the first words out of his mouth are,
"Piss fetish?"
And I go, "What?
No."
And he goes, "Oh, I got a full bladder.
Don't want to waste it."
And I go, "What the fuck?"
I said, "Is that what you do around here?"
And he goes, "Among other things."
I said, "Well, then, show me around.
Let me see what else you have."
You know?
I don't want to be closed-minded.
So we go through the store.
He shows me movies and toys.
He goes, "We got a booth.
You can put in a quarter."
And I go, "Yeah, I got it."
And he goes, "But this here's our VIP.
And you'll notice,
there's a hole in the wall.
And if you're standing in there,
someone might stick their finger
through that hole.
And they'll go just like this.
And if you want to,
you stick your prick in that hole,
and someone
will suck it on the other side.
And my dumb ass goes,
"Is it a guy or a girl?"
He goes, "You see any other cars
in that parking lot, Junior?"
So then I felt a pool of diarrhea
forming inside of me.
And fear shooting down my spine.
As I was certain I was gonna getkidnapped
and raped by Mr. Fuck Dynasty.
So I said
"I''ll just take my movies. Thanks."
So lady, when you say you're horny
"the way guys are,"
I ask you, are you willing
to go into an unmarked building
and wait behind a wall
for a strangerto stick his dick
through a hole in that wall?
And then you, bah, bah, bah, bah, bah,
polish it off for the love of the game?
Because that's what savages men are.
And she goes, "Yeah. I'm not that horny."
And I go, "I know."
See, I just feel a responsibility
to remind women of what pigs men are.
If you're a woman
here with a man right now,
you should know he is two drinks away
from walking to that booth.
And honestly
I'm no better.
If he had answered my question
differently "Is that a guy or a girl?"
He went, "I don't know." I'd be like,
"I don't fuckin' know either, so"
"She's got a rough chin on her, for sure.
Where'd you go, man?
I don't see you anywhere." All right.
I lost some of you on that one.
That's how that goes.
So
I see. Some women are like,
"Mm-mm.
My man would never do that." Okay. Sure.
You want to know
how big of a pig your man is?
He's however big of a pig
you give him permission to be.
Every man has
unlimited "pig-tential."
Just needs a little nudge from you, coach.
How about that?
Doesn't go both ways.
Isn't that fascinating?
If you're a guy, you can't be like,
"I want you to eat it from behind."
She'll be like,"The fuck
did you just say to me right now?"
But a woman can go,
"I want you to eat it from behind."
And we're like
"I'm gonna take some home
in a doggie bag."
I'm getting older. I know.
We all are. But I am.
I feel like I'm getting old.
And I know you guys are looking up,
you're like, "What? You're perfect."
But that's on the outside, you know?
You know
what the biggest kick in the balls is?
Is when your vision starts to decline.
Especially if you've had
perfect vision.
I've never even thought about it.
I've had excellent vision.
I've had vision that's off the charts.
Like, if I'm hanging out with friends,
and there's a sign ten blocks away,
I can see it.
"How do you see that?"
"Jesus loves me. I see it.
I can see it right now."
And now I have, like, the squint of death.
Or I look at shit like that.
People are like, "You all right?"
"Yeah. I'm just looking at shit.
Don't you ever look at shit?"
And it's tough to accept.
I've been in denial.
You know where you
can't be in denial anymore?
The DMV.
I went to renew my license.
And when you go, you sign and you pay.
Very casually, the lady goes,
"Can you read line three?"
And I was still arrogant about it.
I was like, "Pfft. Check this shit out.
A, X, G, L, seven."
She goes, "Seven?"
I go, "What the fuck is that?
I don't think I've ever seen that symbol
before in my entire life."
And she goes, "That's a T."
So, I went...
"Pretty close."
And she goes, "Yeah, you're right.
That's pretty close."
It's the Los Angeles DMV, so...
I leave. I'm in a panic.
I go straight to my doctor.
I go to the same abusive asshole doctor
I've been seeing for over a decade.
I walk into his office.
I go, "Dude, test my vision."
And he goes,
"You should get a prostate exam."
I'm like, "For my eyes?"
And he goes, "You should do it."
"I'm not even 40."He goes, "Try it."
I'm like, "Try it?
Like a sorbet?
Just see if I'm into this flavor?"
And he was like, "Yeah."
And I go, "All right, you're my doctor.
So, okay."
So, I'm naked. I'm in the fetal position.
He lubes up. It is a ton of lube.
I didn't know that.
I was like, "That's why I've
never had success with this before."
And he goes, "You're gonna feel
a little bit of pressure.
And that is my cock...
It's my finger," like that.
It's moderately funny.
But if someone's finger
is going in your ass,
as they say that, you're laughing.
I promise you, you're laughing.
Just out of appreciation, you know.
You're like, "You said cock."
That's crazy.
And then he checks,
rather aggressively, I would add.
He goes, "You feel all right."
I go, "Okay."
Then he goes,
"Hey, if you want a second opinion,
I could put another finger in there."
So, I go...
"Get it out."
He goes, "Well, stop laughing.
Every time you laugh,
you're clamping on me.
I can't get my finger out
until you stop laughing."
And I go, "Get it the fuck out. Now."
Then I sit up. I go,
"Did you just give me a prostate exam
so you could run
those two lame-ass jokes by me?"
And he goes, "Yes, I did."
And I said,
"It was really funny, actually."
Then he tested my vision.
He washed his hands, he tested my vision.
And he goes, "You're right.
You have latent farsightedness."
I go, "What does that mean?"
This is his quote.
"Your vision's always sucked.
You just didn't know it."
I go, "Do you care to explain more?"
He goes, "Think of it like this.
Your eyes have been fighting
to make you think you can see well.
And now they're tired.
That's why you're here."
I go, "Dude, that's like me saying,
'I'm young, uh, and my skin got tired.
Now I'm old.'"
He goes, "That's an interesting way
of putting it." I go, "No, it isn't.
I'm just old and blind."
"Don't forget you're balding."
And I go, "I know.
I used to have hair, but they got tired,
then they fell out."
And he goes, "Now, you're getting it."
I'm like, "Dude.
How do you get paid to do this?"
And I get why you laugh
at my physical flaws.
Physical flaws are funny. They just are.
Disabilities are not.
But some are.
Most aren't. We know those ones, you know?
Like, if there's a 10K or a quilt.
That's pretty bad, but...
The rest are up for debate.
If you're sitting here and you're like,
"Well, when is it ever fu-fu-funny?"
Well, luckily for you,
I have three examples.
First... foreign accent syndrome.
Some of you know about it,
some of you don't.
It's real. You can look it up
on your way out of here.
Some people experience head trauma.
Not funny.
But they wake up speaking their
native language with a foreign accent.
Very funny.
I defy you to watch interviews with these
people and not piss yourself laughing.
Do you understand?
Like, a farmer in Alabama
who's normally like...
That guy...
hits his head and is now like,
"Eh, the tractor trailer, it, eh...
It fell."
That's not funny to you,
you piece of shit? Really?
The best case ever of foreign accent
syndrome happened in the UK.
Not only was it a British woman
who lived her entire life in the UK,
she'd never left the town
she was born in for 33 years.
She was in an accident,
and she woke up speaking English,
but with a Chinese foreign accent.
Did you hear what I just fuckin' said?
Do you now believe in God
and his awesome sense of humor?
A British lady, who,
her whole life, was like,
"Hello.
It's a bit of a whiffle, isn't it?
Like that.
Now says,
"I have not had
my conversation,
and it's over three year now."
First, do you know how hard it is
to do that impression without squinting?
Secondly...
if you're getting uncomfortable, like,
"Whoa. He's mocking an Asian accent?"
No. She's white. This is fine.
A white...
British lady just happens to say,
"Would you like...
a cup of tea?
Taste good?
You want milk?
You want biscuit?
Oh, good.
You want me suck the dick now?"
I don't know, whatever.
She's a nice British lady.
She can say whatever she wants.
If you're sitting in your seat
right now and you're like...
"I don't think it's funny."
Well, don't get your tits in a tussle.
I got two more for you. So...
What about persistent
genital arousal disorder?
That is a fancy way of saying,
"Never not coming."
These are people that have orgasms
every 90 seconds.
And they can't have jobs.
Why can't they have jobs, Tom?
'Cause they're coming all the time.
It's not appropriate for you to be like,
"Can I try on this shirt?"
And the guy's like...
"Fuck your shirt.
I'm gonna wear my old shit.
I'm not wearing your fuckin' shirt."
Can you imagine? You're like,
"We're out of orange juice." Or...
Oh.
"Just bring water, that's too much sugar.
I don't want any more of that."
Some people suffer
from both of those afflictions.
It's rare, but it happens.
Can you imagine that?
You walk up to somebody like, "I'm sorry
to hear about your dad passing away."
And he's like...
"That feels good."
I made that one up.
That's not true, but...
That was cheap, but that was fun. Now...
If you're still not on board with this,
how about an old reliable one?
You know, how about Tourette's syndrome.
Yeah.
Maybe you've heard of that.
If you haven't, let me tell you.
When I was in fifth grade, my parents
sent me to a new school on a Wednesday.
I'll never forget. It was a Catholic
school, and on Wednesdays, they had Mass.
So picture, you're a new student
at a new school, you don't know anybody,
and the first thing you're doing,
is you're going to church.
So, I walk in and the priest
starts the service.
He goes, "In the name
of the Father, and the Son..."
And the kid in the row
in front of me goes,
"Fuck your cunt."
And I'm like, "Oh.
Uh-uh."
Nobody did anything. No one batted an eye.
He goes, "Holy Spirit."
Starts reading from the Bible.
This kid goes, "Lick my balls!
Fuck you!"
I am laughing so goddamn hard.
But I know I'm not supposed to laugh.
It sounds like I'm having a stroke.
I'm ten. I'm like...
I have tears running down my face.
And finally I am able to get out,
"How come nobody else
is laughing?"
And the kid next to me goes,
"He's got Tourette's.
It gets old."
Three years I was at that school.
That shit never got old.
That was
the greatest gift
God ever bestowed upon me.
And I'll tell you this.
The greatest day of my life,
up until the day my son was born,
was the day we had
a substitute teacher that year,
and they didn't warn her about him.
Your imagination is serving you correctly.
It was glorious.
I watched a ten-year-old boy
break a grown woman's spirit.
These poor substitutes don't know
what's going on in your class.
She walked in
Somehow, they didn't tell her.
And she's like, "Read chapter three."
And his ticks would build.
Meaning, they would start small.
So he would be sitting in class,
like
So she goes, "What's going on?"
And we're like
"She doesn't know."
And he would do this every day.
He would take markers
and paint his own shirt.
Every day he did it,
but she doesn't know about it.
She sees it. "What are you doing?"
"What do you think, bitch?"
Then he starts painting his face
with the marker.
And she goes, "Stop that."
And he goes, "Fuck you, bitch. Fuck you."
And she's like, "What's happening?
What's happening?"
And we go, "That's Kevin.
Why are you crying so much right now?"
She killed herself. She's dead. So
She's out of teaching, but she's fine. So
I know.
Some of you guys are like,
"Jesus, he's a real jerk."
I'm not that bad. I'm not.
I'm a new dad. How about that?
I, uh... Yeah.
Yeah. It's the best.
It's awesome. Guys always hit me up.
I don't know why they trust me.
"Should I do it?"
And I'm like, "Of course you should do it.
It's the best. It's awesome.
They're amazing. And also, being a dad
is easy, man. Super easy.
It's way easier than being a mom."
Here's all you gotta do
if you want to be a great dad, seriously.
Don't abandon your kid.
That's it. That's all you gotta do.
No, I do believe being a mother
is inherently harder,
especially at the beginning.
And that's why I don't like
when I hear men complain about it.
I have friends that are like,
"My kid cries a lot."
And I'm like, "Yeah, 'cause you're
his dad. That's why he cries a lot.
If I saw your face first thing
in the morning,
I'd bawl my fuckin' eyes out too, so..."
What do you mean, "He cries"?
He can't talk, you dumb-shit.
"Ah" means something.
Figure it the fuck out.
That's why they make them so cute.
Did you know that?
It's so you don't strangle them.
My son is so fuckin' cute.
He's not Asian-baby cute,
but he's right below that, you know?
Asian babies are cuter
than bunnies and puppies combined.
I would throw away 20 white babies
to have an Asian baby.
But thankfully, the exchange rate
is better than that, so...
Five? I don't know.
Can we please stop, collectively,
as a society, stop pushing the myth
that having a baby is a selfless act?
I hear people say that shit.
"It's the most selfless thing...
that you'll ever do." No, it's not.
It's not selfless. It's selfish.
Necessary, but selfish. Why? You fall
in love with a miniature version of you.
What's more selfish than that?
You're like, "This is awesome.
It looks just fuckin' like me.
I've never loved anything more
in my entire life.
My favorite parts of you
are the parts that look like me.
Some parts look like you.
Those parts are all right, but...
the parts that look like me
are amazing.
I would do anything for you,
mostly because I feel
like I'm doing it for myself.
You're the best, new fresh me."
That's what you're doing.
You're populating the world
with more of you.
You're saying, "I'm fantastic.
Here's another one of me."
Do we really need
that many more of you? Yeah?
I mean, do we? I mean,
Martin Luther King Jr. had four.
I get it. He should've had ten.
But you?
All excited about, "Crab legs are on sale
at Costco on Sunday, y'all."
I think we're all good on you.
I think maybe you should stop.
Now, I'll be real with you.
If you're wondering about it,
about parenthood,
you're gonna have no more time.
It's okay, 'cause you'll still have
moments. Time and moments are different.
What's time? Time is like,
let's say tomorrow
you sleep in till noon,
and then you eat food in bed.
And then you go, "Fuck today."
And you go back to sleep.
You got a lot of time on your hands.
Moments are like, you take a sip
of something. "That's good."
That moment is now over. See?
You live in moments.
Masturbating is important,
you know?
You appreciate it more
when you're a parent.
I look forward to masturbating
more than sex.
You know why? 'Cause I know
I'm gonna treat me right. That's why.
Yeah. I love it, man.
I clear the bed. The dogs can watch,
but nobody else, you know.
I'm at the point now where I taunt myself.
Any of you do that?
I'll lay in bed and I'll be like,
"Who's been a good boy? Oh.
Who's been good?
Who's been bad?"
And then I grab my balls from behind,
like, "Who the fuck was that?
Did you...?
You brought somebody?"
"I didn't bring anybody." But...
I keep it exciting.
I'm telling you the truth!
"Cool shoes, Tom. Where'd you get 'em."
All right, I'll tell you. So...
I was doing shows up in Portland, Oregon.
And did a few shows.
Big show like this.
A group came up to me afterwards,
and they go,
"We noticed you have Nikes on.
Do you like them?"
And I go, "Yes."
"Do you want to come
to Nike headquarters tomorrow?"
And I said, "Not really. No.
I like your shoes.
I don't want to see your office, man."
And he goes, "Well, you can shop
at the employee store."
So, I go, "What's that?"
He said, "It's a warehouse
that has every product imaginable.
And you would get 50 percent off."
And I go, "How about I rent a U-Haul
and I empty your fuckin' store tomorrow?"
He goes, "Have at it."
I get excited.
Next morning he calls me.
He goes, "I wanted to tell you,
you can come to Nike,
but you're not allowed to shop
in our store."
And I go, "Why?" He goes, "We put your
name in our system, and it was flagged."
I'm like, "Flagged. By Nike.
For not doing sit-ups?
What the fuck is that all about?"
And he goes, "No.
You're a person of influence."
And I go, "Excuse me?"
He goes, "You're an entertainer.
We call that a person of influence.
You're not allowed to shop in the store."
I go, "That's fucked up."
"You can try to go
through the entertainment division."
"What's that?" And he goes,
"That's free stuff." I go, "All right."
So...
I get that number and I call.
And this guy answers,
"Nike Entertainment."
And I go, "Hey. Tom Segura."
And he goes, "Okay."
And I go, "I'm a person of influence."
And he goes, "Okay." And I go,
"I'm calling about my free shit."
And he goes, "All right." And I go,
"So, how do you want to do it?"
And he goes, "We'll regroup,
and we'll get back to you."
And I go, "Okay."
And they never called,
so I bought these Adidas for $130. So...
Fuck you, Nike!
Let's see if you even survive
without my purchases now.
You want to know how crazy
that company is?
I told that story in New York City
at a show.
And the next day, a Nike executive
got my cell phone number,
and called me and goes,
"I was at your show last night.
And I think it's very rude
that you're telling that story."
And I go, "Pfft. I think it's rude
that you didn't give me free shit."
"I think you shouldstop
telling that story."
And I go, "Fuck you.
Get out of here, man."
And he goes, "Fuck you."
And I go,
"Why don't you change my diaper?"
And he goes, "What?"
I said, "You heard me, bitch."
And it was at that moment I realized,
we have this amazing insult
at our fingertips
that we're just not utilizing enough.
Why isn't "Change my diaper"
part of the lexicon?
It should be the ultimate insult.
It should be "Fuck you."
"Why don't you fuck your mother?"
"Why don't you change my diaper?"
Game over.
I'm serious. Rappers should wear them
in videos, and be like,
"Change my diaper, bitch."
The president of another country
should tell ours...
"Change my diaper, orange man."
And listen.
If you're a parent, you know exactly why
that insult is so appealing.
If you're not, let me key you in
on a little secret.
There's a reason your asshole
is the only part of your body
you can't physically see.
It's a fuckin' horror show, okay?
When you have a little one,
you have a front-row seat for years.
And my son shits
with his eyes closed.
I don't know how often you do that.
I'm guessing it's twice a year.
Maybe the day
you get back from Cancun,
and when you tell the lady
in the Thai restaurant,
"Yeah, I can handle my spice."
My son, every single shit,
he's like...
And when he's done, he makes eye contact,
and you're like, "Whoa."
And he pushes out the last bit
as he stares through you.
He's like... And you're like,
"Ugh. You're nasty as hell. Gross."
Just once, it would be nice if, as I'm
cleaning my son's shit-filled asshole,
if he would look up at me.
"Hey, motherfucker, I appreciate it."
And I'd be like,
"Yeah. And I appreciate you."
Thanks, Denver.
You're so much fun.
Have a great night.
Appreciate you very much.
Thank you so much.
You're the best.
Thank you so much. You guys are the best.
Love you. Good night.