Total Frat Movie (2016) Movie Script

[Music playing]
[Man narrating] All my life I
wanted to party like a frat star
at Mason-Dixon University,
the biggest fucking
party school in the south,
and I wanted to do it
at Alpha Chi Gamma.
Their parties
were one big wet dream
filled with booze, drugs,
and sex-starved sorority girls.
We're gonna
drink the night away
Even though there's
nothing to celebrate
Shot after shot,
keg after keg
I'm about to take this
to the grave
To the grave
Let's go
put your shots in the sky
I wanna see you
raise your glass up high
Sparkle like
it's the fourth of July
Bottles and models
are young and they're fly
ladies they're nothin'
but rubbin' my chest
Baby, I just wanna
see you undress
She workin', she twerkin',
I'm smackin' her booty
The camera was flashin',
we all in this movie
I'm drunk, I'm faded
She worked that, she wasted
Her hair and t-shirt wet
Dancin' like
she's havin' sex
She know the homies watchin'
Turn up,
let's get it poppin'
More beer, cognac, and vodka
Here's so nothin'
could stop her
We're gonna drink
the night away
Even though
there's nothin' to celebrate
Shot after shot,
keg after keg
I'mma about to take this
to the grave
- Yeah!
- to the grave
It's sorta like a fast car
switchin' lanes
Couple more beers
my pitch'll change
She should be the face
of maybelline
And maybe I'm just truckin'
every girl I'm seein'
We grindin' on the floor
They keep askin' for more
Party like tomorrow's
my last day
I'm all the way gone,
I work hard to play
We're gonna drink
the night away
Even though
there's nothin' to celebrate
Shot after shot...
[Top pops off can,
liquid pouring]
[Music playing]
[Man narrating]
Alpha chi was in my blood.
My great grandfather
was an Alpha president
and my father torch
was an Alpha party legend.
I grew up on stories
of Debauchery
and Alpha's big rivalry
with Kappa Nu.
All my life I wanted to grow up
and party like a frat star,
and now was my time.
And all I had to do
was become one.
[Man 2] Stay in your
god damn ice bucket.
You guys are the saddest,
sorriest, most pathetic
bunch of fucking pussies
I've ever seen in my life.
The Sorority's next door,
you little bitches.
This is hell week.
It's supposed to be tough.
This is what separates
the real alphas
from crying pussies like you.
What's wrong with you guys?
Hang in there, boys,
we got this.
- Hang in there. -Did I ask
you to speak, pledge?
No sir,
Alex fucking Watson, sir.
Can you die of hypothermia, man?
Suck it up, Coleman.
- I'm sorry, thank you, sir.
- You're pussies.
I don't think
I can make it, Charlie.
My dick has gone
all the way back inside me.
It's retreated.
We don't retreat, John,
just stay in there.
- Just stay right there.
- Does anybody else have
a weird fucking boner right now?
Did I ask to hear about
your fucking codicil glitch?
- Oh god, I can't make it!
- Stay right there, John.
Don't... stay in.
Stick with it, come on.
Yeah, you gonna quit, MacGyver,
- huh, you gonna give up?
- Yes, sir, I think I am.
I'll take his time.
I'll take John's time.
Now, why would you do that?
You enjoy having
frozen balls, pledge?
No, sir.
I enjoy my balls
at a healthy 95 degrees, sir.
But if one brother falls,
we all fall,
and I can't let
that happen, sir.
Fuck, yeah, give me some
of MacGyver's time, too.
My cock and balls have weathered
worse storms than this shit.
Who else takes a dive, too?
- Yeah!
- Yeah!
- I'll take his time.
- [All cheering]
Finally you shitheads
are starting to understand.
Brotherhood is unity.
Congratulations, Charlie.
Looks like you got a little bit
of your old man
in you after all.
Get this cocksucker
out of this ice bucket.
Take me out.
My dick looks like
a sun-dried tomato.
More like
a god damn douchenozzle.
- Douche, douche.
- Fucking douchenozzle.
[All chanting] Douchenozzle! Douchenozzle!
Yeah, boy! Douchenozzle!
[Charlie narrating]
Believe it or not,
this was the best fucking day
of my life.
[Music playing]
'Cause it's been a long week
And it's way overdue
I came to party, have fun,
stress free with my crew
Oh, yeah,
girl, let's get drunk now
It's time to forget about it
We came to party
It's time to forget about it
We're taking shots now
It's time to forget about it
Don't ask no questions
It's time to forget about it
It's time to forget about it
- I'm fucking MacGyver, man.
- Will you relax, man?
Just drink it in, brother.
Welcome to the next
four years of our lives.
- A-fucking-men, Charlie.
- You sons of bitches.
Get over here, Billy.
Zero fucks
will be given tonight, boy!
[All cheering]
Hey, Chuck, this is, um...
You don't even
know my name, do you?
No, baby, I swear
I do know your name.
It's uh... slam-piece.
It's sophie,
you fucking asshole.
Nice to meet you, sophie.
I was in the ballpark.
Holy fuck, this isn't a dream,
is it, boys?
No, douchenozzle,
it's not a fucking dream.
That's what we're going with?
You guys didn't like
sun-dried tomato?
No, we hated it.
Wheel of fellatio!
If you have time to party
and you gotta go home
It's a party all night
check the double-shot zone
Tell the dj turn it loud
'Cause you got it goin' down
[All yelling]
Set forth in fact
Shorty got a Booty
make you break your neck
Uh, I'm shining lights,
camera, action
Come on, baby, I'm trying
to get some action
Now you like it, bend it off
Feeling myself,
now it's time to boss
Yeah, I'm feeling myself,
now it's time to ball
Feeling myself,
now it's time to ball
Oh, Billy, just think your dad
and my dad
stood in these exact same spots,
drinking the same shit,
telling the same stories
while getting hanging doggies
and Tennessee chugger's
of their own.
To sons of Alpha fathers.
We did it, buddy.
- We did it.
- To your father, man.
My dad's a dick.
[Music playing]
[All] A-l-p-h-a, C-h-i!
Alpha Chi! Alpha Chi! Alpha Chi!
- Charlie, everything ready?
- Yes, sir, it is.
I got my hands on some
insane chinese fireworks.
It's gonna look like
world war iii out there.
All right,
let's go to the backyard.
- Don't fuck it up.
- I won't, baby.
- See you out there.
- Oh, hold on.
China isn't exactly known
for their safety regulations.
Would you relax,
douchenozzle, okay?
Let's go.
[All] Wheel of fellatio!
[Music playing]
To the leaders of tomorrow,
not being able
to remember tonight!
[All cheering]
We got our new brother Charlie
coming out
with a big surprise...
Any second now.
Let's go, guys.
- Freeze, assholes.
- And if we refuse?
Then I'll pump
20 gallons of vodka
into that cute, little
face of yours.
They're bluffing.
- [Yelling]
- Ah, give it to me.
Fuck you guys,
is that all you got?
-[Alex] Trying to keep them safe.
- Oh, wow.
- That's impressive.
- What can I say?
I'm a daughter
of the american revolution.
Look, ladies, you're super hot.
- We would love to stand here and talk...
-[Alex] Charlie!
But we really got to go.
- Oh.
- No.
No, I think we can
hang out for a minute.
- Oops.
- I... you know...
I have a seat reserved for you,
[sniffs] On my face.
[Alex] Charlie Martin, get
your ass to the stage.
- Listen...
- Katie.
Look, I would love
nothing more than to sit here
and have
a wonderful conversation
with you, but I really need
to get up there.
- Come on, guys.
- No, I vote that
we just keep looking
at their tits.
- [Cell phone ringing]
- Oh.
- It's AJ.
- Uh-huh.
- Good to go.
- Yeah.
All right, boys,
you're free to go.
Hey, listen,
when I climax tonight,
- and I will...
- Ugh.
You're the one
I'm gonna be thinking about.
Charlie, get to the stage.
Ugh, what a douche.
Billy, sometimes you just
sound like Shakespeare.
- Doesn't he? Come on, let's go.
- I'm fucking poet.
All right, here he is.
What the fuck, man?
All right, sorry.
- All right.
- [All] Three, two, one...
- [Music playing]
- [Cheering]
Oh, fuck yeah!
[All yelling]
[Chanting] Alpha Chi!
[Computerized voice]
Error, system overload.
- Error. Error. Error.
- God damn! Uh-oh!
That one was pretty
fucking close to the stage.
No, no, no, I got it. I got it.
- I got it.
- You need to turn these off.
Trust me.
Here comes the big one.
- [Beep]
- Watch this.
[Yelling continues]
[John] Man, china's got to get
their safety regulations
Well, I mean,
things can be worse, right?
[Glass shatters]
What the fuck, man?
You fucking ruined
the fucking house.
Your first fucking party,
look what you do.
[Charlie narrating] I felt
terrible about what happened.
But I knew we were in deep shit
unless we could convince
the one person
who held our fate in his hands,
Dean Kravitz.
[Dean Kravitz]
This is Alpha house,
the most historically
significant landmark on campus.
A palace.
And these are you hooligans.
Children playing in the field.
"Hi. Hi. Look, fireworks."
Fireworks going off.
We're having fun.
"Yay! Yay! Yay!"
Your charter is revoked.
[Grandfather clock chimes]
[Charlie narrating]
And just like that,
with the ink of one stamp,
I lost my house, my brothers,
and my dream.
Of course, life goes on,
seasons change,
fraternities rush, butts chug.
And what do I have to show
for the last three years
of my life?
Lingering guilt,
an embarrassing obsession with
"orange is the new black."
- And this dick.
- [Boing sound]
Charlie Martin. It's me, Jonesy.
Room 225.
- You're my R.A.
- Am I?
- You are.
- Great.
I was wondering if it's okay
if I use the common room for
a few hours in private.
I'm on the verge of a huge
- Why don't you
- my research.
-Just call it jerking off like everyone else?
Well, because it's not
jerking off, actually.
[Man on loud speaker]
All right, listen up.
I'm Alexander Julius
chesterfield cranston
- of Kappa Nu.
- [Students] Woo! Kappa Nu!
Do you party like
a god-damned rock star?
[Girls] Yeah!
Do you wanna blackout
and bang hot "soristitutes"?
[Girls] Yeah!
Do you eat so much pussy
that you get lockjaw?
[Girls] Oh, yeah!
Do you have anal beads hanging
from your rearview mirror?
[Girls] Huh?
- Then pledge Kappa Nu!
- [Girls cheering]
Fucktards need not apply.
Get the fuck outta here!
Being in a frat
would be so awesome.
It's not a frat,
it's a fraternity.
Would you call
your country a cunt?
Wouldn't that be "count"?
If you wanna join
a fraternity so bad,
- why don't you rush?
- You heard the the man.
"Fucktards need not apply."
Oh, yeah. Kappa Nu!
Okay. [Laughs]
So, the common room.
Right. Whatever, man.
- You got it.
- Awesome.
Thanks, Charlie.
[Music playing,
record scratching]
I can't wait to breathe
and see the son today
Is that asking for much?
A-I-p-h-a, C-h-i!
Alpha Chi! Alpha Chi! Alpha Chi!
Are there any
Alpha Chis out there?
Any alphas!
Is that asking for much?
[Thunder rumbles]
Having some
of the best times of my life
Couldn't see my past,
my future was too bright
Livin' the legacy,
no one ahead of me
Would that be the moment
I became a better me
Honesty, royalty,
that is my pedigree
This is the truth
and it set me free
Happily I walked in destiny
And obstacles
ain't got the best of me...
Ugh! [Coughs]
I'm makin' it happen
while livin' it
Hubbard's a plus,
no derivative
I stepped up
and tipped the initiative
No slackin'
I gave all I got to give
My education is first
I kept it movin'
'cause things can be worse
worse, worse, worse, worse
Hey hey
The best days of my life
Are forever and praise
Hey - I die
I stare success in the face
And I will win not far
I will sure not crawl
They say hard work pays off
Yes, I know it's true...
Cheers, dad.
Hey, dad.
I hear you!
I won't give up.
As god is my witness,
I will get this house back.
I won't give up. I won't relent.
I won't yield.
I love you, dad.
[Aj] A room. Hillman, boys,
look what we found here.
[Laughing] Look at him.
Dude, it's [Mumbles].
- Wake up, motherfucker.
- What the fuck is this?
This is me taking over
your fucking house
'cause in six days,
this is gonna be property
-of Kappa Nu.
-Yeah, in your fucking dreams,
Three years ago, you trashed
this motherfucking place.
And now, no one's occupying it.
And MDU rules state,
I can legally take over.
Yeah, over my dead body
you're gonna take over.
- [Laughs]
- [Yells]
However you want it, man.
However the fuck you want it.
- Let's do this.
- [Laughs]
Oh, what the fuck?
What're you gonna do,
draw dicks on my forehead?
- That's real original, AJ!
- Yeah, we thought about that.
But actually, we got something
a little more creative
in mind for you.
Right? Right?
Guys, shut the fuck up.
[Charlie grunting]
Oh, shit.
What's this?
[Charlie narrating] The way
to get back our fraternity
was right there in front of me.
Who would've thought
you could find such
useful information in a book?
Son of a bitch.
[Girl moaning loudly]
- Billy! Ah...
- [Moaning continues]
- Sorry, man.
- Dude, what the fuck?
Why do you have a dildo
glued to your forehead?
It's a long story.
It doesn't look too long to me.
You're busy. I'll come back.
No, no, no, you're cool.
Uh, chuckles, this is um...
Yeah, look, I got big news.
Living room, what, five minutes?
I think I'm gonna need
a little longer
than five minutes.
Good luck. All right.
- You have a dildo...
- Dildo on my forehead, I know.
[Laughs] Are you jacking
it to Billy having sex?
No. [Scoffs]
I wasn't jerking off
listening to Billy have sex.
[Stacey moaning]
I was jerking off
listening to Billy have sex.
- Great job in there, bro!
- [Billy] Thanks, dude.
- Jesus christ. -I wasn't jerking
it to the Billy parts though.
Yeah, look,
just finish up, man, and...
And meet me
in the fucking living room.
- Just pull it off, man.
- Hold on.
- Hold on... [spits]
- Oh, my god.
You just spit
on your fucking hand.
- Ugh!
- Ooh, shit.
[Shudders] God, man.
Don't fucking smell it.
All right, so what's
on your mind, dickhead?
[Laughs] This.
- Oh, sheesh.
- Dude, what the fuck?
- That was ikea. -I'm... i'm
really... i'm so sorry.
Look, guys.
I found a way for the fraternity
to get reinstated.
Dude, you know the only way
we can do that
is if the interfraternity
council president approves us.
Yeah, and seeing
as how that's AJ,
I highly doubt
that's gonna happen.
Yeah, it can
if we challenge him to a duel.
A duel? What the fuck
are you talking about?
I found a claus from 1876
that states,
"any exiled fraternity
can challenge
the interfraternity president
to a duel for reinstatement."
Boys, that's our ticket back in.
Are you fucking retarded
or something?
I mean, as much as
I'd like to shoot AJ,
- I'm not going to. -It doesn't
have to be a gunfight, Billy.
It can be anything we want.
Jousting, bolos...
- Fencing.
- [Gasps]
- Uh-uh. No fucking way.
- Oh, come on.
You were three year
junior champion
almost in a row.
- Way to go, Charlie.
- Look, Billy.
I know you're scared.
I know it was nasty,
but you got through it.
Okay? And Billy, I promise you,
you will not get stabbed
in the sack again.
It was my fucking sack, Charlie!
And my fucking ball, man!
And there's nothing
that you can fucking say
to make me change my mind.
Is this really how you envision
your college years? Huh?
Looking like some common
gdi pieces of shit?
You should be
fucking ten's, Billy,
not six's!
Do you have any idea
how much it breaks my heart
to see you fuck a six?
Hey, I'm right here.
Guys, we are the last
remaining alphas.
If we don't make this right,
we're disappearing.
I can't let that happen, Billy.
What do you say?
I'm with you, Charlie.
- Billy?
- Fuck.
[Groans] All right, fine.
But if anything happens
to my ballsack,
fucking paper cut,
I'mma murder you.
I'd love to fuck a six.
A duel?
I'm not falling
for that bullshit.
- Nice try.
- It's not bullshit, AJ.
It's fancy,
leather-bound, and legit.
[Clears throat] "Should
he, the shit-sandwich,"
that's you, AJ, "refuse to duel"
and the challenging fraternity,"
that's us, "will
automatically be reinstated."
What's it gonna be?
This is fucked, dude.
I look like a fucking asshole.
You don't look like
a fucking asshole.
- Yes, I look like a fucking asshole!
- I'm sorry, okay?
Your old uniform is all
I could find on short notice.
You look great.
- [Uniform tearing]
- Ugh!
Fuck, Charlie,
I can't fucking do this.
You can and you will.
[Sword swooshing]
Shoulda done
your homework, Charlie.
I'm a four-time national
fencing world champion.
- Okay, you got your cup on, right?
- Yes, yes.
I have my fucking cup
and I lost a testicle fencing.
How am I gonna forget
my fucking cup
on the fucking fencing field,
god damn it?
Okay, I'm sorry. Good. Listen.
You need two points
and we got this thing
home free, all right?
Give 'em hell out there.
Here you go. Ready?
Get your face in there.
Ready pretty boy?
Whoever gets two
out of three points wins.
Only hits in the chest
and face count.
- No cheap shots.
- Hey, that's the same thing
your mom tells me after I finish
- busting all over her.
- Exact same rules.
On the count of three.
- One, two...
- Stop!
[Crowd groans]
I demand to know
what is going on here!
Dean Kravitz,
I can explain everything.
- Okay?
- [Clears throat]
"Any disbarred fraternity
can officially challenge"...
the fraternity president
to a duel of their choice."
Yes, of course.
The 1876 Mason-Dixon
duel clause.
You know about this?
Dean Kravitz, sir,
Alpha Chi Gamma
is an institution
at this school,
and if we disappear,
that legacy disappears with it.
I owe it to my brothers,
past, present, and future,
to put Billy here in harms way
so that doesn't happen.
- The clause stands!
- Yes!
But under one condition,
Oh, good.
I finally get to fire
this thing.
One, two...
- Three!
- [Loud bang]
- [Crowd gasps]
- Jesus!
- Amazing.
- Come on, Billy.
Come on, AJ!
All right, you little bitch,
here we go.
- [Swords clinking]
- [Grunting]
Hey, let's go, baby!
[Woman] I love your sword, baby.
- Come on, Billy.
- [Laughs]
Rook, you look like a used tampon.
Well, AJ, as it turns out,
your mom has not hit menopause.
[Charlie] Come on,
now, here we go.
- Huh!
- Ow!
- God damn, you son of a bitch!
- Point Kappa Nu!
- [Crowd gasps]
- Fucking love that.
- All right, let's go.
- Come on, Billy.
- You got this.
- Okay, come on, now, Billy.
En garde, motherfucker! Woo!
- I'm Zorro.
- Come on, Billy!
- Come on, AJ!
- Bring it, motherfucker.
- Bring it.
- Come on, Billy.
Ugh! Fuck!
- Point Alpha!
- Fuck it.
- [Crowd gasps]
- Shit! That's cool!
- Final round, gentlemen!
- All right, let's go.
- It's fucking on, motherfucker.
- Let's do this.
You got this, AJ. Come on, baby.
Just get 'em, baby.
That's right.
- Oh, bitch, what. Ugh!
- [Pants tearing]
- [Crowd groans]
- Oh, my nut!
That's it! You've got him now!
Oh, shit! My ball!
That's mine, bitch.
Your nut is fucking mine.
Not my ball.
[Both grunting]
Protect yourself, now.
Protect yourself.
Cover for it.
- No!
- Yes!
Eat my tip, trust fund baby.
- [Crowd groans]
- Shit!
[Aj] It's fucking bullshit.
God damn it!
Alpha is victorious!
[Crowd gasps]
- Fuck, yeah!
- I told you you could do it.
- I told you. -Yeah, I still
fucking hate you, though.
This is bullshit!
- I can't lose!
- It's okay, baby.
The library
has my fucking name on it.
- Oh, my god.
- Fuck!
Billy, you're quite
the master swordsman.
Charlie, gather up your brothers
onto this glorious field
of battle
and prepare to be
officially reinstated.
All my brothers are present
and accounted for, sir.
Let the reinstating commence.
Charlie, you can't have a fraternity
with only three active members.
Fucking idiot.
Then we'll get more.
Rush doesn't end
for another five days, right?
Just give us till
the end of the week,
and we will get however many
bid cards you require.
Okay, Charlie.
If you can muster up
15 active members
before the end of rush,
then I'll officially
reinstate axg.
Twelve fucking pledges?
That's impossible.
- Do I hear 16?
- Fifteen it is, sir.
Fifteen it is.
Dean Kravitz, we're gonna need
kind of a central headquarters
to rally the troops.
Can we have the Alpha house
for rush purposes?
Like custer at the alamo.
Okay, Charlie, fine.
But given Alpha house's
track record,
you have to promise to maintain
a level of decency
that will always reflect
on this school
in a positive light.
- Gotcha.
- One screw up, you're done.
- Loud and clear.
- You understand?
- Yes sir, loud and clear.
- Good.
- Take your sword.
- Thank you.
Boys, we got the house back.
Hell yeah!
[Music playing]
I mean, I did. I kicked his ass.
- I just don't get tired.
- Boys.
I hold in my hand
the key to Greek life.
- And we owe it all to Billy.
- Yes, we do.
Yeah, you know I couldn't
have done it without you guys.
Oh, wait, no.
I did it completely
without you guys.
Did you see the look
on AJ's face?
I thought he was gonna shit
his pants.
- I made it my lock screen.
- [All laughing]
Hey, to Billy, huh?
For risking his last testicle.
Boys, get ready to be ball deep
in some sorority hooha.
- Oh...
- [Music playing]
Oh, my god.
Katie littleton
just smiled at me.
No, that was definitely
a facial tick.
Billy, come on,
I know the difference between a
facial tick and a smile, I do.
- What're you smiling at?
- That was a facial tick.
Whatever. Fuck you guys.
[Sighs] Home, sweet, home.
Maybe the inside's not so bad.
Oh. [Coughs]
[Gasps] Wheel of fellatio!
- She survived.
- Welcome home, boys.
Jesus, it's dustier than
douchenozzle's cock in here.
[Sighs] Nothing 12 new
pledges can't clean up.
And how we gonna get
them pledges, chuckles?
Rush has already started and
nobody even knows we're back yet.
Yeah, that's true.
That's true, Billy, but, uh,
we're gonna have a party.
Hell, I think it's time
we tell 'em we're back.
Oh, fuck.
Yeah, I'm fixin'
to get wilder than a buck.
I'mma fuck you up, liver.
You hear me talkin' to you,
you little bitch?
- I just hope I get laid. -That
you will, douche. We all will.
Everybody remembers
how awesome our parties were.
- We're legends.
- Boom.
- [Screams]
- [Music playing]
I honestly thought
somebody would've remembered.
This sucks ass.
Hey, you know what?
Let's just be patient.
Only losers arrive early, right?
So, we're good.
- We're good.
- Hey!
Ease up on the fucking dip
there, champ.
[Doorbell rings, doorknob turns]
[Door closes]
- Hey.
- Hey, y'all.
- Hi.
- Oh, Becca.
It's so good to see you.
I surprised the coven
let you out for the night.
I heard you guys were throwing
one of your legendary parties.
So, I thought I'd come by
and see for myself.
You looking at something?
May I please take you
and your two delicious friends
- for a tour of the house?
- Absolutely.
- Right this way, my lady.
- No, not so touchy.
- Okay, okay.
- He's a real charmer, isn't he?
Yeah, he is, really.
They're perfect for each other.
Yes, she's something.
I dreamed
that my days as a sigma
would be
a little bit more redeeming,
but Becca's idea of philanthropy
is giving the school stds.
I would tell Billy that,
but he wouldn't give a shit.
- So...
- Oh, no.
Well, I do have to say, Charlie,
this is quite the terrible party
- You've thrown here.
- No, I honestly thought more people
would come.
Two losers and ranch dip
ain't gonna cut it.
Oh, don't sweat it.
You're just getting
your Greek legs back.
I'm sure you'll turn
things around in no time.
Yeah, I hope so, I mean,
to tell you the truth,
after the whole
fireworks fiasco,
I never thought I'd set foot
- in this house again.
- Yeah, Charlie,
- I kinda wanted...
- Listen, sweetheart,
I... i swear, I just want you
and the doll to get it on.
- I'm not gonna do nothin'.
- Wow.
Great party, Charlie.
I checked the whole house.
It sucks everywhere.
- Hey, look, wait, wait, wait.
- No.
I... i don't know
what's wrong with me.
- I...
- [Gasps]
- Yep.
- Stupid asshole!
- Bye, Becca.
- I better go, too.
I have class early
in the morning.
- I'll see you later.
- See you.
Bye, Billy.
- Oh, chuckles.
- Yes, sir.
I think I'm in love.
Oh, me, too.
You guys want some dip?
[Aj] Jesus christ.
What the fuck took you so long?
The fucking Alpha Party
was a total bust.
There were zero rushies,
no girls.
They're fucking assholes.
No girls?
Oh, well,
I think I have some sweethearts
I can send them.
[Billy] Ugh, this party
officially sucks ass.
Dude, don't worry.
There's still time.
- [Doorbell rings]
- Mm. Boom!
- See, fellas?
- [Door opens]
Sometimes all you gotta have
is just a little bit of...
- Faith.
- Hi, sugar.
- Lookin' for Charlie Martin.
- I'm Charlie Martin.
Oh, well, then,
tonight's your lucky night, son.
I'm Pearl, as in...
The necklace.
We've been gifted to you
for the evening
by an anonymous donor.
Wha... gifted?
He's not too bright, is he?
Listen to me.
I don't care how drunk
I get tonight,
do not let me fuck
one of the golden girls.
- I'm serious.
- Uh-huh.
- [Microphone feedback]
- Hello.
[Aj] Hey, Alpha fucks.
Ladies, if you'll just
excuse me.
That's a compliment.
[Becca] Hey, assholes!
What, you're not gonna thank me
for the sweethearts, Charlie?
You know your grandma
gives a surprisingly mean
I guess you learned
from the best.
Enjoy your fucking
bingo night, dickhead.
[All laugh]
This fucking sucks dick.
This is like douchenozzle
at a fucking bachelor auction.
- Zero bids.
- Hey, man,
- it can get better.
- [Sighs]
- It'll get better.
- That's good.
- It's good now.
- Mm-hmm.
[Doorbell rings]
I'mma fucking kill
whoever that is.
[Gasps] Oh, shit.
Hi. Can I fucking
help you, nerd?
That's okay, Billy.
Jonesy, what're you doing here?
Hi Charlie,
heard about your party
and I thought I'd come by
and check it out.
- Maybe rush for you guys.
- You're fucking serious?
Are you fucking kidding me?
I know... i know we're desperate
right now, but look at him.
He's a fucking tri-hard
with his fucking bowtie.
- Okay, all right, Billy, take it easy.
- Your glasses, fuck you.
Billy, just take it easy, okay?
You're more than welcome to
hang out here, Jonesy, really.
Thanks, Charlie.
I would've been here earlier,
but my research session
ran long.
- "Ran long."
- That being said,
and I hope you don't mind,
but I brought a few friends.
Oh, you brought us some friends.
That's just...
That's fucking great.
I got "the big bang theory"
eating onion dip.
I got the wrinkle vice twins
sitting around having
hot flashes and now you
brought your fucking
nerd friends.
That's just fucking great,
- Just chill the fuck out.
- I will not chill the fuck out!
We do not
hang or party
with fucking nerd...
Holy sweet mother of ass.
I think my boner
just got a boner.
Please grab a beer, a chip,
whatever you need.
Fucking Jonesy.
[Music blaring]
Shorty talkative
I can't get a word in
I just agreed to whatever
she say
She given it up tonight,
it's okay
I'm a rap star
and that's real shit
So you can miss me
with that bullshit
They say,
turn the music down
Miss me with that bullshit
Miss me, miss-miss-miss
me with that bullshit
They say I need
to settle down
Miss me with that bullshit
Miss me with that
Miss me with that...
Listen, I wanted to say...
That, I mean,
you're pretty fucking cool.
I guess.
I mean, you're still
a fucking nerd,
and you got glasses and shit,
I'm not gonna beat
the shit outta you.
Thank you.
Yeah. Fuckin' tri-hard.
So, Jonesy, what is it exactly
that you do?
Well, it's complicated.
But trust me when I say,
my research is gonna change
the world.
[Charlie] Hey, AJ!
We just wanted to express
our gratitude to you
for sending us your sweethearts.
Three, two, one...
[All groaning]
Yeah, baby.
- Mom?
- It better not be your fucking mom.
- Get in the house, man.
- Oh, my god.
- Still got it.
- Fuck, yeah.
[Billy] Look, man, I hate
to say I told you so,
but, I mean, every decent guy
on campus is accounted for.
- The well is dry.
- [Sighs]
Man, Jonesy's girls
were fucking hot, though.
How in the fuck
does a nerd like that
get to hang out
with such dirty birds?
It's just don't make no sense.
Holy shit, Billy, that's it.
That's it, man.
You're a fucking genius.
Okay, we're almost there.
- Okay.
- One, two, three.
One, two, three.
Thank you.
- Thanks, Pearl.
- It was my pleasure.
[Both moaning]
Hello, boys. [Chuckles]
Dude, are you fucking kidding me
right now?
- What?
- [Laughs]
Well, she was paid for,
wasn't she?
Hey, I'm trying
to break a dry spell.
What? Why the fuck do you guys
hate bargains so much?
- "Break a dry spell."
- Yeah.
You wanna break a dry spell
by having sex
with the driest vagina
of all time?
No. She was surprisingly moist.
Oh, my god.
[Charlie] I think Jonesy
proved last night
that he's one of us.
Which leads me to this.
Maybe we've been looking
in all the wrong places.
We need to approach
this situation
all out money ball.
Brad pitt was awesome
in "fight club."
- Could we talk about that?
- So fucking awesome.
No. Listen, guys,
instead of competing
for the same rushies,
we're gonna recruit the guys
nobody knows about.
Starting with...
Sergeant dustin Keaton, usmc,
aka sarge.
Sarge joined the military
right out of high school
and did two tours over in iraq.
It's so good. This is so good.
[Charlie] He's a little
older and a bit twitchy,
but he's out for material,
through and through.
Hey, hey, hey, hey!
Oh... oh, sorry.
There's a guy,
he's attacking a girl
in the bathroom.
Yeah, yeah.
And he says he hates freedom.
- [Walkie talkie beeps]
- Target is on the move.
So, this is a "library," huh?
Come on, look in my eyes.
Ride the bull. Ride the bull!
- Whew! Oh, yeah!
- Yah!
- [Grunting]
- Shh! Shh! Shh!
You all right?
I'm fine.
- Thanks to you.
- What the hell is this?
This was a test.
Congrats, you passed.
I'm Charlie Martin.
You laid a trap for me,
and I fell for it.
That's not an easy thing to do.
I'm impressed.
- So am i.
- Shut the fuck up.
Not half as impressed
as we are with you, sarge.
We think you have what it takes
to be a part of axg.
Axg? I thought y'all was exiled?
Your intel's wrong, soldier.
We're having a meet and greet
at 1600 hours.
We would love it if you came by.
- Guys, guys, listen... ugh!
- [Grunting]
I'll think about it, Charlie.
Cool, sarge. Have a good day.
[Coughing, groaning]
Frank Van dyke iv.
Mr. Van dyke
is an aspiring film director.
He is the mad genius
behind the wildly popular
rolling blackout videos.
His skill set would be
invaluable to us.
[Billy] You know, we're big
fans of your work V.D.,
which is why we want you
to be our personal videographer.
Oh, thanks.
And why the hell
would I want to do that?
Well, besides being awarded
with a lifetime of brotherhood,
you would have firsthand access
to some of the finest drug users
- and degenerates known to man.
- That's right.
You'd have a first row seat
to the greatest shitshow
on earth, dude.
- Did we mention the perks?
- Mm-hmm.
Here you go, Van dyke.
- [Both] Hi.
- [Giggling]
Ah, you don't need
this piece of shit anymore.
[Both] This is for you.
- [Laughing]
- Oh, shit, are you serious?
As my daddy's triple bypass.
Now, Ashley, Brooke,
this is Van dyke.
Van dyke is that director
I was telling you about.
I was telling 'em about
your various
accomplishments as a director.
And they're actresses
who've been working on a scene
and they were wondering
if you might be able
to help them out.
- Hmm. -We're normally
stage actresses,
but we really, really
wanna get into film.
What's the scene from?
- "Fifty shades of gay."
- I may have, uh...
May have a few pointers
for them.
All right, ladies, just, uh...
Way to go, dude.
It's a closed set.
Open up a little bit to camera.
[Laughs] Yeah.
We wanna see
what's going on there.
Well done.
[Billy] You're not gonna
miss being an R.A.
[Charlie] No, but I will miss
confiscating their weed.
[Woman moaning]
What the fuck
is Dr. frankie snatch
doin' right now?
Come on, let's find out.
Jesus christ!
They're trainin' fishermen
to be gynecologists.
- That's it.
- Oh, my god!
Charlie! Everyone down, now!
[All yelling]
God damn, how much shit
is in there?
Sorry, sorry guys.
Wait. So squirting,
that's your research.
Enhanced female
ejaculatory projection...
Actually. Sorry, Ashley.
- [Laughs]
- It's not funny, man.
I discovered a way to tap
into the female skene's gland,
also known as The G-Spot,
proving once and for all
that women do,
in fact, ejaculate.
But why would any girl
want to squirt?
Because women shouldn't be
the only ones forced to swallow.
Another women's study major.
Be at the Alpha house
this afternoon.
Good job, Jonesy.
Whoa, I got another one in me.
Oh, shit!
[Charlie] We are offering
you bids to the most
esteemed fraternity
on the MDU campus.
- Where the hell is sarge?
- I have no idea.
Yes! This rules!
- I am so down, bros.
- [Charlie] Easy, Jonesy.
Look, we see great potential
in you.
But with great power
comes great responsibility.
"Comes" like,
"cumming," you know?
Anything. You name it.
You drinking a fucking soda?
- Jesus christ.
- Sorry.
Jonesy, we think
it would be beneficial
if you continued
your research with us.
That way you can share
all your knowledge and expertise
with all our new pledges
making us the most
"vagtastic" master cocksmen
on campus.
How's that sound?
It would be an honor.
You really don't need
these things.
I do, actually. To see.
[Gasps] Holy shit.
- How long you been there?
- A long time.
- Now let me guess.
- [Exhales]
You want me to join
your fraternity?
[Laughs] Sarge,
you're a military man, right?
A god damn american hero,
but have you ever thought about
what's next?
- I don't know.
- Of course not.
You've been following orders
your whole life.
But we can help you
become a leader.
You ever thought about, um...
Have you ever thought about
running for public office?
Did you know that 76%
of all congressmen and senators
belongs to a fraternity?
Why would anybody know that?
That's where a hero like you
belongs, sarge.
And we can help you get there.
Okay. What you want in return?
We want you to be
head of our security.
We're in a war
of our own with Kappa Nu.
A Greek jihad, if you will.
Did you say, "jihad"?
Yes, soldier, I said that.
Haul me in.
Five by five.
First off, gentlemen,
let me say congratulations.
You just made the best decision
- of your young lives.
- Yeah.
Thirty years from now
when you're a senator,
or the ceo of a billion dollar
or the god damn president
of the united states of america,
your sons will be standing
right where you are today.
Just as I am standing
where my father once stood,
I say welcome
- to the finest...
- [Over loud speaker] Hey, Alpha rushies!
- Before you make the worst decision...
- Who the fuck is that?
Why don't you come over here
- and see what a real fraternity has to offer.
- What the fuck?
- Am I right?
- Dude.
Each new kappa pledge
will not only have access
to a luxury sweet automobile,
but... ah...
You'll have full access
to the luxurious sigma girls.
[Music playing, engine revving]
Party, bitches
This is a party, bitches
This is a party, bitches
- This is a party, bitches
- boys, boys, I can't do this.
I know you like what you see
I know you like what you see
Living out your fantasy
You want it be reality
Boys, I can't do it.
The tits got me.
Billy, just look away.
Fight it, fight it!
But the tits have me hypnotized.
- Just focus.
- Give me them titties. I wanna get fucked.
- Billy!
- Give me the titties.
All right, all right, I'm fine.
- Get the fuck off me.
- Just think of douchenozzle penis, okay?
And if any of our pledges
need a little hand
with their studies,
our ga's at the t&a
will be more than willing
to give them a helping hand.
[Music playing]
Hey, you sacks of shit,
you fall in!
And trust me, boys,
when I say that these girls,
they get straight a's...
- In destroying cock.
- Oh, shit.
I hear that's a tough program
to get into.
You're missing the best part.
When it's time for spring break,
you'll receive
an all-expense paid vacay
to Punta Cana.
Courtesy of our alumni
at the Kappa Nu.
- [Cheering]
- Fucking deserters!
Yeah, well, that's fine.
I was gonna haze
the shit out of you, anyway.
Hey, he's just kidding.
Aj's just dirty rushing you.
It's an easy
fucking decision, right?
Hey, AJ, I bet you have fucking
deep throatin' competitions
between haroon and hillman
and the fucking winner
gets to paint your toenails,
you fuckin' asshole!
Me and manzel
fucking tag teamed your mom
and when we finished,
she was crying
in both our arms
saying she wished
she gave you up for adoption,
you stupid son of a bitch.
Yeah, and when they were done,
he cummed all over her,
I went in 'cause I take thirds,
and I fucking gave her
an angry pirate.
You know what that is?
Let me act it out.
Ugh! In her eye. [Screams]
Kicked her in the fucking chin!
Thanks for the rushies, Charlie.
Hey, stay low, guys.
I gotta figure out what to do.
I know what we can do.
- This is your idea? Drinking?
- Fuck yeah, dude.
I mean, drinkin' solves
pretty much everything.
Normally, I'd agree with you.
But I'm the one
responsible for all this.
I was the one that went too far
with those fireworks even after
you told me to stop.
Yeah, that's true.
But, I mean, that's also
what makes you, you.
And fuck, I've known you
for pretty much my whole life.
So I know that you
will figure it out.
Billy, what the fuck
are you talking about?
Listen, man.
I coulda died
on that fencing field
when we were 12,
but what'd you do?
You picked me up
and then what happened?
Carried you to your place.
- My ball!
- You're going to be okay.
No, I'm not.
And then what?
Stopped the bleeding
from your balls.
You stopped the bleeding
from my balls.
You put your little
12-year-old-hands on my nuts,
and you stopped the bleeding.
I mean, in retrospect,
you probably shoulda taken me
to the fucking hospital.
This is gettin'
a little too real for me.
I'm gonna crack open a beer
and start some brainstormin'.
- What you say?
- All right, brother.
- [Katie] You look like shit.
- [Laughs]
Ah, well, that's not
an easy look to cultivate,
so glad I'm pulling it off.
Oh, glad could be of services.
You're taking
ballston Shakespeare class?
- Yeah, you heard of it?
- I took it last semester.
Don't look so surprised,
Okay, I like the bard.
Your brothers must've given you
a lot of shit for that.
Yeah, they did,
but like Billy says,
"to thine own self be true."
Do you wanna sit?
Oh, are you sure you want
to fraternize with the enemy?
- I won't tell if you won't.
- You know, I don't get
this whole war between
the kappa's and the Alpha's.
Why do you guys
hate each other so much?
Ancient grudge.
Nobody even remembers why
it started.
Like the capulets
and the montagues.
- Ah.
- See what I did there?
Yes. So, it's a line
that can't be crossed.
Romeo and juliet crossed it.
Their love gave them courage.
Well, they ended up dead.
Maybe not us.
I heard about the car wash.
I'm sorry about your pledges.
Yeah, well, who woulda thought
that a bunch of young guys
could be so easily swayed
by some beautiful
dripping wet women in bikinis?
- Well, you still have time.
- Not enough.
We would need, like,
a bunch of guys
at one time to join.
Gentlemen! What is up, boys?
Dude, let's rock and roll!
Let's make heads roll!
Let's do this, boys! Let's go!
- You mean like a team?
- Like a team, yes, good idea.
But, lacrosse guys
don't join fraternities.
Why not?
It's a line
that can't be crossed.
Well, Romeo and juliet
crossed it.
All you need is a little bit
of courage.
- [Mix background chatter]
- [Whistle blows]
Here we go, guys, let's go.
Let's fucking go, boy.
Fuck you. Let's do it!
[Phone ringing]
there has to be one alum
who played lacrosse.
Find him. Do it.
You can do way better than this.
- Shut the fuck up, wimp. -Come on, Zack.
Help me do it.
Ow! There they are!
There they are!
Great game out there, Zack!
Great game. You slaughtered
them out there.
This was a fucking practice,
Yeah, what can I say,
you guys were fantastic.
Who the fuck are you?
Yeah, who the fuck are you,
Nancy drew?
My name is Charlie Martin.
I'm from axg.
And we think you boys have what
it takes to become members.
- Lacrosse players don't join frats.
- I don't know, Zack.
I think you guys
are already a fraternity.
You just haven't
realized it yet.
I mean, you eat together.
You study together.
You party together.
Hell, you're probably banging
the same checks, too.
- Hmm?
- Yeah, man.
A'right, a'right.
You guys are a family
just like us.
Well, if we already do
all that shit,
why the fuck do we need to join?
That is a very good question,
and one I will answer.
Excuse me, boys. Excuse me.
Holy shit. You're Sam venable.
I sure as shit am, son.
Ncaa division one,
lacrosse all-star,
five time
world lacrosse champion
with the rings to prove it.
You guys get rings for that,
don't you?
- We sure as shit do, son.
- And most importantly he was...
Former Alpha vice president
and alumni chairman.
You're my fucking hero.
Can I have an autograph?
I'll give you an autograph
when you sign a bid card.
- [Man] All right, we'll come.
- Okay, we will,
but we're not
making any promises.
- It's cool, man.
- Let's go, boys.
- All right, right on!
- It's Sam fuckin' venable.
Sam, I really appreciate
your help on this one.
No problem. Anything for the
son of old torchy, huh?
- Ugh!
- Whew!
- [Charlie] Almost there.
- [Katie] All right.
[Charlie] Almost there.
All right.
[Katie] Ugh. You're gonna
murder me, aren't you?
Uh, you ruined
your surprise, way to go.
- Okay.
- Yeah?
A picnic?
- What, and rose petals?
- Yeah.
- Wow. How romantic of you.
- Well,
I saw it on "the bachelor."
Wow, I'm just surprised
the wine didn't come in a box.
Well, littleton, I'm all class.
- What can I say?
- I'm very impressed.
This is to say thank you
for the wonderful idea
- about the lacrosse team.
- Wait, so did they commit?
Not yet, but we're having
a party tomorrow night
so, I'm kinda hoping
that seals the deal.
- Party?
- Uh-huh.
- Why, thank you for the invite.
- Well, you're not invited.
- Thank you.
- Obviously,
I would love it
if you could come.
Okay, thank you. I'll be there.
I graciously accept
your last minute invitation.
Mm, so what made you
want to become an Alpha?
My father was
an Alpha, actually.
He used to always talk about
the amazing times he had here
and wanted nothing more for me
than just to follow
in his footsteps.
He must be really proud
of what you're doing right now.
Yeah, he would be.
- He died when I was young.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Hmm, it's okay.
Actually, he was gonna run
for governor,
and Billy's dad was gonna be
his campaign manager.
- Really.
- Yeah, but when dad died,
Governor Taylor now,
picked up the torch
and, um...
You know, he's always been
a second father to me.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
And Billy, my brother,
my crazy brother.
So, I guess being a leader
is just in your DNA.
- Well, I guess so.
- Hmm, so, uh,
are you planning on following
in your fathers footsteps,
future governor?
Nothing would make me happier.
- Nothing?
- Mm.
Nice "beerymid."
- [Katie moaning] Oh, yeah.
- Hey, shh, shh, shh, shh.
- You hear that?
- Mm-hmm.
Sounds like chuckles
is puttin' the ole tube steak
- into the oven.
- Ah, I love steak!
I gotta go. [Clears throat]
- [Beer cans clanging]
- Oh, for fuck's sake!
That took me, like, 20 minutes.
Don't you fuckin'
jerk off in my room again.
I catch you jerking off
in my room again,
- I'll whoop your ass.
- It's too late.
- Douche!
- I'm only gonna jerk off to the katie parts.
[Katie] Do you get the feeling
that we were being watched?
[Charlie] Watched? No.
Listen to? Definitely.
Ah. [Giggles]
[Both chattering]
- Well, I had fun today.
- Yes, I noticed.
[Both laugh]
- Thank you for walking me home.
- Of course.
So, party tomorrow night?
- I will be there.
- Okay. See you.
- See you.
- To be continued.
That fucking bitch.
Well, looks like
we got a traitor in our midst.
What? Where?
You gonna take care of that?
It'll be my pleasure.
I didn't tell you to stop.
- Katie!
- What?
Why weren't you at the car wash
yesterday, Katie?
Because I was in class, Becca.
That car wash was official
- Sigma Business, bitch.
- I was in class.
You think this is all
some big joke, don't you?
I didn't join just so I could
wash cars with my tits.
And all you seem to care about
these days is looking for ways
- to fuck over Charlie.
- And all you seem to care about
is trying to find ways
to fuck him.
Ugh! Why are you
like this, Becca?
This is your last warning.
All right, boys,
big night tonight.
We need the lacrosse team
to commit.
Our future pretty much
depends on it.
what's the theme of the party?
Flesh is your canvas.
I love it. Jonesy.
If you see one of the members
of the lacrosse team
that looks the least bit bored,
you put a beer in his hand
and a hot slam-piece
on his arm
and we show these guys
the best fucking party
of their lives, okay? Yeah.
- Get some! Get some!
- Sarge, sarge, sarge!
Sarge, it's a paint party,
not a paint gun party.
- Yes, sir!
- Yeah.
Listen, okay,
I need you to keep a lookout
for the kappy nu goons tonight.
If any of those dickheads
get within
50 feet of the perimeter,
you eliminate them.
Can you handle that, soldier?
With extreme prejudice, sir.
- Good, go on.
- You're all warriors.
Gonna get some! Hoorah!
Van dyke, I need you
to setup cameras
all around the house.
I want to catch people
doing some crazy shit tonight.
Can you handle that?
Yeah, I don't think
that's gonna be a problem.
Guys, all eyes on Billy.
[All chanting] Billy!
[Music playing]
[All chattering]
Let's light the fires,
let's keep it tight,
and remember lacrosse team.
Bring 'em in. Come on in, guys.
Let's go, boys!
[Music playing]
Hey! What'd all say
we get this
fucking party started!
[All cheering]
Hey ladies.
It's a killer party, huh?
You know I would love
to show you around the house.
Or not.
Ouch. Sorry, man.
- That was brutal.
- Yeah.
You saw that, did you?
That's great.
Hey, I know how you feel.
All I ever used to do
was strike out.
I didn't see
my first non-internet tit
till last year.
Excuse me.
Jonesy, I have been
in a vaginal rut
for three god damn years,
and I thought
that banging old whore Pearl
might've given me
a little boost, right?
But all it gave me
was chlamydia.
Look, I know it sucks,
but trust me,
it'll get better.
Yeah, that's easy
for you to say, rainmaker,
but not all of us are blessed
with your religious like
abilities to monsoon the poon.
Maybe it's time
I spray it forward.
- Hi.
- Want some paint?
Thank you.
Hey, think fast.
I'm marking my territory.
Oh, two can play that game.
Hey, okay.
- What's that supposed to be?
- It's a heart.
Oh, Charlie,
that's really corny.
I could tell by that
constipated look on your face
-the lacrosse team hasn't shown up yet.
- No, not yet.
And I'm on the verge
of freaking the fuck out.
Well, don't sweat it.
I have a feeling things
are gonna turn around
a whole lot.
Oh, thank god.
- I gotta handle this, but, uh...
- Okay.
Okay, thank you.
To be continued.
Hey guys, how're you doing?
Welcome to Alpha Chi Gamma.
Pretty serious
fucking party, bro.
Thank you, sir.
More booze in there.
Miss lisa here has your paint.
Here you go, boys.
Holy shit,
you're so fucking hot.
Why thank you, little guy.
Do you know
you're not so bad yourself.
Looks like someone's pinky's
about to get stinky,
am I right, boys?
All right, all right, all right.
He's gonna get laid tonight.
All right, boys,
grab your weapons,
let's head inside.
- Follow me.
- I'll see you later.
[All cheering]
Right this way, boys.
Way to go, ladies.
Can I have
your attention please?
Sorry to interrupt your game.
But we have some
very special guests
with us this evening.
Fellas, come on in.
- File on in. Thank you, Heather.
- Shit!
This beer pong table kicks ass.
She certainly does, wiv.
welcome to the bro-olympics.
The deal is if we lose you walk.
But if we win, you're in.
- Yeah.
- Deal.
- Let the games begin.
- [Cheering]
Number one, flip cup.
- [Cheering]
- It's huge.
Obviously, we play
a little differently.
Don't worry, we got this.
We got this.
We're getting our house back.
Let's go.
[Music playing]
All right, don't worry.
We'll get 'em on the next one.
We'll get 'em on the next one.
All right, everybody.
Settle down.
Second event. Body darts.
That's my fucking specialty.
That's my specialty.
[Charlie] Body darts.
First person to scream
or spill his beer, loses.
[No audio]
You got this.
He ain't got shit to wear.
[All chattering]
He's takin' it! He's takin' it!
- [Cheering]
- God damn it!
Son of a bitch... ow!
[No audio]
Don't fuckin' touch it!
Final round, beer pong.
No, wiv.
In this house, two cups.
What the fuck is two cups?
Two cups, two balls, one shot.
All right, man. We got this.
[Music playing]
Let's go, Zack.
Nice shot, Zack. Nice shot.
Go find douchenozzle now.
Wait, I think
it's your turn to go now.
- Isn't it, Charlie?
- It sure is, boys, cheers.
There you fucking are, i...
Whoa! Holy shit.
Did you, um...
I did, and it was awesome.
Nice. Now fucking come on!
We gotta get outta here.
Sorry, Betty.
- I'm Billy, by the way.
- I'm good.
Ah! I got it in my eyes.
Oh, god, it burns.
Well, stop touching
your fucking eyes, douche.
I found him, but I don't know
what fucking use he's gonna be.
I got it all in my eyes.
I can't see for shit.
- But it was worth it.
- What, you guys gonna forfeit?
- No, no, no.
- Step aside, Charlie.
Uh, Jonesy, wait a second.
Are you sure about this?
- This is a triple shot.
- Trust me.
I'm a professional.
[Music playing]
Drink, bitch.
Well, I got to admit,
that was pretty badass.
We're in.
[Cheering continues]
We got our pledges, baby.
I'm gonna keep it brief, but
tomorrow morning Alpha Chi Gamma
is officially
motherfucking back.
And we are motherfucking
here to stay.
[Cheering, music playing]
Strobe lights, light sticks
Shots on big tits
Shake 'em, baby,
for the camera run
Now you can make me
your manager
'Cause you're far from
an amateur
Back shots, I'mma damage her
I can tell
when I dance with her
She was grindin' me
up against the wall
I got beers
and unlimited alcohol
The college life,
I'm goin' till I'm gone
Fuck it, let's make out
on the jumbotron
Mm, let's go
Okay, okay, okay
Mm, let's go
Okay, okay, okay
Mm, let's go
Okay, okay, okay
Mm, let's go
This is the best time
of my life
Don't wanna commit,
admit no wife
I'm in a house party
feelin' nice
And we were so turned up,
that the cops came twice
Third time they came
to drink with us
Real shit,
they were hollering
To paint with us
Facts, and we ain't gotta
Talk no more
I'm on the frat life
So let's fuckin' go
Mm, let's go
Okay, okay, okay
Mm, let's go
Okay, okay, okay
Mm, let's go
Okay, okay, okay
- Mm, let's go.
- yo, it's time to go
I have to admit,
you guys sure know how
to throw a party.
What're you doing here, Becca?
I'm here to rage
my face off, katie,
just like you.
Drink up, Charlie.
Though I have to admit,
there is one thing missing.
- What?
- The truth.
Don't, Becca, please.
Either you tell him or I will.
Tell me what? What's going on?
You see, it wasn't
actually your fault,
those fireworks
destroyed your house.
- Becca, shut up.
- Aj rigged the fireworks.
When this fucking thing
goes off,
huh, goodbye Alpha Chi.
And you took the blame.
Of course he did
have a little help.
Katie and I distracted you.
So AJ could sabotage your shit.
Is that true?
- Charlie, I'm sorry...
- That's true.
That night has haunted me
for three years,
and you helped cause it?
I think you should leave.
- Charlie, i...
- Cheers.
Why are you
fucking like this, Becca?
I think Charlie
just cunt punted you
out of this party, bitch.
[Music playing]
- Oh, fuck, man down.
- [Yelling incoherently]
- Darling.
- Becca.
- Come on, get up. -I don't
wanna go with you, Becca.
- Don't worry, I got you.
- Becca, can I tell you something?
- You're an evil bitch, you know?
- Uh-huh.
But you,
you have some really nice...
- Stay with me, Charlie.
- You have really nice boobs.
- Stay with me.
- They're nice.
Hey, Charlie.
Charlie, what the fuck, man.
Charlie, where're you going?
What the fuck, man?
[Charlie] Will you get
me some more beer?
I think you've had enough.
There we go.
What the fuck took you so long?
Are you kidding me?
You're getting paid the same.
- Okay? Relax.
- Why's everything so blurry, man?
I mean, I feel like
I need some glasses.
Am I gonna be like Jonesy?
- I'm gonna be like Jonesy.
- Relax, Charlie.
I just gave you
a little something to chill
you out, you're gonna love this.
Hey, who's your two friends?
You are paying me
in cash, right?
- Yes, of course.
- Oh! Oh!
- All right, let's get nice and comfy.
- My penis is out.
That's what we want.
Okay, there we go.
- There we go.
- Hey, whoa. Hey, wow.
- Nice boobs, babe.
- Mm-hmm, they're gorgeous.
- Yeah.
- Hey, wait a second.
- Wait a second. I like katie's boobs.
- No, you don't.
- Who the fuck is katie?
- Why don't you fondle them a bit? Yeah.
Drink up, Charlie. Drink up.
Drink up. There you go.
Chug it. Keep chugging.
- Oh, oh, that's my penis.
- Are you seeing this, AJ?
- Loud and clear.
- Animal!
- Who's your favorite animal?
- Hey, get that money shot.
Oh, right.
Let's get the money shot.
- All right. Hey, asshole.
- What're you doing with the paint?
- You got paint.
- Oh, yeah.
It's showtime.
You know what I wanted to say.
- Paint party!
- You're gonna love the paint.
- [Laughing]
- [Music playing]
Great night last night, huh?
Yeah, it was fucking great.
Ooh, ouch. What's his problem?
I don't know,
I don't remember a thing
from last night.
And I got a serious wangover, man.
Well, that sounds like
you blacked out.
- Yeah?
- Nicely done.
- Thanks.
- Ready for today?
You kidding me?
I'm just getting started.
- How you feel?
- You're making a right, baby.
A living legend.
- Hello, ladies.
- Hey, baby.
Hey, there.
- [Woman] Hi.
- Hey, there.
[All chattering]
Here you are, Dean Kravitz.
Those are the 12 bid cards
which makes 15 members
as requested.
Well, you're quite proud
of yourself,
- aren't you, Charlie?
- Yes sir, I am.
Good. Well, let me ask you
- Are you proud of this?
- [Music playing]
Is that me?
Holy shit, that's me.
Holy shit, dude.
That's Tanya tata's video.
You're banging Tanya tata's.
That's the hottest porn star
in the game right now.
- How come I don't remember that?
- You blacked out, remember?
Being blackout drunk
doesn't exactly
strengthen your case, asshole.
Okay, Dean Kravitz, but, I mean,
this is just a video
of a college kid having sex,
that's not a big deal, right?
Oh, it's not a big deal,
It's a very big deal.
The Dean is a small dick weasel.
Oh, shit.
Am I a small dick weasel,
No, sir.
- Is that what you think of me?
- No, sir.
I went out on a limb for you,
you stupid little shithead.
And this is how you repay me?
Look, Dean,
somebody's obviously trying
to sabotage us here,
I would never...
This video was sent to every
single person on campus!
You know what that means?
It means from now on
I'm not gonna be known
as the Dean
with the many
academic accomplishments
or civil war reenactments.
No, I'm gonna be known as
the Dean with the small
weasel size dick!
- But sir, I'm telling...
- No buts, Charlie!
One of the conditions
of you getting your house back
was to always represent
the school
in a positive light.
- Do you remember that?
- Yes, sir.
Well, this video sure as shit
doesn't do that.
Request for reinstatement
Dean, please.
Vacate Alpha house now.
Vacate the house...
Vacate the house now.
Guys, don't you see
I didn't do it?
Well, from what I saw,
you were pretty much balls deep
inside Tanya tata's
which is seriously awesome.
Then how come
I don't remember it?
You blacked out, remember?
Jesus fucking christ.
You know, I saw you last night
with Becca, Charlie.
You were gropin' on her titties,
and then the two of you went off
into your fucking bedroom
and she had this
fucking look on her face like,
"I'm gonna hit his fucking
big ass pretty blonde cock."
Billy, I would never
do that to you.
No? 'Cause I got one nut,
Charlie, I got one fucking nut,
but I got two eyes,
and I saw that fucking
hungry ass look
on her face, she was, like, "oh!"
I'm gonna get to fucking lick
Charlie's dangly balls today.
I'm gonna get his fucking,
sweet beautiful handsome boy
blonde cock all down my throat.
That's what's gonna happen.
And then I'm gonna
get this other bitch
and she's gonna tongue
his nuts while I fuck him.
That's what's gonna happen.
Then we're gonna do butt stuff.
We're gonna do butt stuff,
"and Billy's gonna be outside
all by himself."
Smell that.
What's that smell like?
Nothin' that's
the fucking problem, Charlie.
Billy, Billy, don't you see?
Becca did this.
She did this, not me.
You just said it.
You know what?
You're un-fucking-believable.
There's no conspiracy here,
You fucked up.
You destroyed the alphas twice.
You remember that.
- Billy!
- Let's go, noz.
Sorry, Charlie. Tanya tata's.
[Aj] All right, boys,
we're gonna fuck
-so much tail in this place.
- Back the fuck away
from the perimeter,
I got zips in the wire.
- Zips in the wire.
- [Laughs]
Is this guy fucking serious?
Hey, why don't you
and your backup dancers
-keep on walkin'... -Hey, are
you off your fucking meds
or something,
get the fuck off my porch.
Medication's for pussies, bitch!
Don't fuck with me.
- Holy... what do you feed this piece of shit?
- Stand down, sarge.
- Battle's lost.
- Thanks, Charlie.
Exactly what he said.
Stand the fuck down.
All right, buddy.
Go get laid maybe.
Fucking loosen up a bit.
Jesus christ.
Are you kidding me?
All right, boys.
I want you to take
these letters down
and clean up all this shit.
Boys, welcome
to the new Kappa Nu!
[Phone buzzing]
Son of a bitch. Son of a bitch.
Aw, yes! Yes!
I got 99 problems
but a blank ain't one.
Spectacular abs.
Morgan Freeman's voice.
Three dicks at the same time.
Okay, hold on,
you got 99 problems,
but three dicks at the same time
ain't one of 'em.
I don't understand this game.
This sucks.
- At least we're all together.
- Hmm, yeah.
Yeah, we're all together.
In the fuckin' student lounge!
With the fuckin'
loners and stoners,
and the fuckin' asians!
And the god damn
- "Lord of the Rings" fuckin' nerds!
- Yes!
Actually, they're playing
"game of thrones."
Yeah, what a bunch
of fuckin' boners, man.
- More like throners.
- I swear to god, Jonesy,
I will fuckin' murder you.
Shut your faceholes,
you god damn crybabies.
We may have lost our house,
that does not mean
we have to lose our hope.
Because a fraternity
is not the only way that men
on this campus can connect.
Are you saying,
we should go gay?
No, douche, you fucking idiot.
I'm saying we should join
the Mason-Dixon reserve
officer training corp.
Boys, meet captain griffin.
[Passing gas]
the rotc prides itself
in taking fat, lazy,
gutless deadbeats,
and turns 'em into men!
This is the sorriest case
of sad sacks
that I have ever seen!
- Jesus.
- I'm sorry.
But these fucktards,
they're hopeless.
Good luck, sarge.
Sweet Jesus.
We can't even get
into fuckin' rotc.
What was that about?
I'm sorry, Charlie, but we
don't talk to traitors here.
Or people who betray us.
- Wow. You too, douche.
- It's Mr. nozzle to you.
Listen to me, Charlie.
You lost our house
for the second time,
of course, I'm gonna be
a little upset about it.
That house was my life, okay?
That... that was all
of our lives.
I mean, just look
at poor douche,
look at him now.
- He looks exactly the same.
- Yeah,
because we're that
fucking pathetic.
- Doesn't get much worse than that.
- Thank you, Billy.
Look, Billy, I'm sorry, okay,
but I just came
from Van dyke's house
- and I got a way to get the house back.
- No, you're not
gonna be able to fool me
with that bullshit again.
Billy, I know you're pissed and
you... god damn it, you should be,
- but just give me one more chance.
- No, no, no, no!
You don't get another chance.
All right, you had
a second chance
- and you blew it, you understand?
- Yeah.
Hey, I made some
mistakes, Billy.
And we've all made
some mistakes, even you.
But god damn it, we're brothers
and brothers forgive.
Now, I never told you this,
but it was my dad's dream
that I would become
more than his son some day.
I would become his brother.
And I know he's not here,
but god damn it,
I know he would be proud
to see his brothers forgive
and unite.
Billy, I'm begging you.
Wow, that was quite
a speech there, Dr. king.
I mean, you know what,
the dream is dead.
So, why don't you
just hit the bricks?
You know,
get the fuck out of here.
No, you stay right there,
I say we give Charlie
another chance.
Nope, nope, absolutely...
Yep, yeah.
[Clears throat] Me, too.
I concur.
I don't know
what that word means,
but I'm with sarge and Zack.
I am truly, truly sorry.
But god damn it, I need you.
You're a son of a bitch,
Charlie Martin.
- I agree.
- All right.
All right, all right.
So, you got a way
to get our house back.
I got a way. Boys...
Check this out.
What the... holy shit.
- Sick.
- Holy sheep shit.
[Charlie] Katie!
By now I'm sure
you've seen the sex tape.
But it wasn't me,
I swear to god,
it was not me.
I mean, technically, it was me,
but I was setup.
Look, I got one last chance
to make this thing right,
and when it's all said and done,
I hope that includes you, too.
I gotta go, uh...
To be continued, I hope.
How many condoms does she need?
[People clapping]
Hey, hey, hey,
you hold it right there,
Bob the fuckin' builder.
Oh, look everyone.
It's the geeds.
Shouldn't you guys
be on a park bench somewhere
- jerking each other off?
- You know what, AJ?
You might've think that
you've won, but reality,
you're a load that your mother
shoulda swallowed,
and believe me when I say
she can fuckin' swallow.
This coming from
a fucking homeless guy
on my new steps.
Face it, guys. You fucking lost.
Take your fucking filthy paws
off that letter.
- This letter? -Yeah, that...
Oh, you're so strong.
- That fucking letter?
- Don't you fucking touch that a-hole!
Who the fuck's
gonna stop me, man? You?
[Charlie] We will.
This fucking guy again?
Is that the Dean?
People, we have proof
that we were setup.
- [Woman] What?
- You see,
- bullshit.
- We set cameras all over our house
in order to capture
some memorable moments,
but in the process,
- we caught something else.
- [Clears throat] Herpes!
Hey, I haven't had
a fucking outbreak in weeks.
Mind your god damn business,
sons of bitches.
Douchenozzle, if you will
do the honors, please.
I can guarantee you those words
have never been spoken before.
- You got it, Charlie.
- [Becca] Damn, girl.
Yeah, girl, you're an animal.
You're an animal!
- [Charlie] Animal!
- You have energy!
- [Tanya moaning]
- Paint party!
[Becca] Are you seeing this, AJ?
Come on, actual animal.
Come on,
shake those tatas, girl.
Let's go, let's go, yeah.
Hair back, hair back, [Growls].
You heartless little strumpet!
- Wait... what this?
- [Scoffs]
All this proves
is she's a voyeuristic slut
with some kind of fucking
rodent fetish.
- Yeah. -How in any
way does this prove
-that he's not willing to do this shit?
-[Katie] I'll tell you how.
- And what the fuck is that?
- The reason that Charlie
doesn't remember having sex
is because he didn't.
Well, willingly anyway.
I dug around in Becca's room
- and I found this.
- That's bullshit.
Don't listen to her.
She's just a pathetic loser.
It's vitamin k.
It has the same effect
as a roofie
only ten times more powerful.
So, I'm a casual drug user.
Big deal.
Becca dosed Charlie
and then she paid the porn star
to have sex with him.
I... i don't know
what she's talking about.
The bitch is clearly an idiot.
I just... you know what... no...
I mean, she just plotted...
- Shut up, Becca!
- [Crowd groans]
Fuck, yeah, sis,
right in the mud flaps.
Also, Dean Kravitz,
it was AJ and Kappa Nu
who sabotaged the fireworks
three years ago.
They're the ones
who are responsible,
and the alphas
had nothing to do with it.
And I know this
because I helped them do it.
I'm so sorry, Charlie.
Dean Kravitz,
you're not buying
this fucking bullshit, are you?
Actually, AJ, I am.
- [All groaning]
- What?
- I hereby declare Alpha house...
- No! This is my house!
- This is my house!
- I'm gonna whoop his ass.
- No, no, no, he's mine.
- No, come on.
I know you're prettier than me,
-but I'm stronger than you are.
- Yeah.
- I'm sorry.
- Ooh!
Aj? [Groans] Shit!
- Welcome to Kappa Nu, bitch!
- Fucking asshole, just give it up...
- [Groaning continues]
- What?
- Come here!
- Get off me!
- Fuck you!
- Hey, get back here!
You fucking pussy! Fuck you!
[All grunting]
That was like less harder
than the last time.
- A-oh!
- [Groans]
Fuck, my ass! Oh, shit!
- Ball check.
- [Groans]
- Fuck your ass.
- Fuck my ass.
- My fucking foot!
- My ass!
Ah, fuck!
Okay, last time, let's go!
- One, two, three.
- [Grunting continues]
Ah, shit!
Boy, that was uneventful.
- [Clicking sound]
- Oh...
You can thank me later.
All right, sarge,
guard the perimeter.
Oh, fuck yeah!
- Fuck!
- Fuck your foot.
You know what?
Fuck your fucking legacy, bitch!
- Get out of my house!
- [Screaming continues]
Oh, shit!
- [Both screaming]
- [Becca] Holy shit!
- [Becca] Aj?
- You all right, bro?
[Crowd cheering]
Holy fuck, that was awesome!
That's enough!
I'm putting a stop
to it right now!
Kappa Nu hangers
are endangering the lives
of everyone here!
[Billy] Come here, Charlie.
I've decided
to officially reinstate
Alpha Chi Gamma.
[Cheering continues]
It's gonna be good.
It's gonna be good.
And, AJ, as for you,
you're seriously fucked!
- Are you all right, Charlie?
- I don't know.
I think I may have broke my ass.
Does this mean all is forgiven?
Oh, take it, Charlie.
[Charlie narrating] For the
alphas and yours truly,
it was a storybook ending.
For AJ and Kappa Nu,
not so much.
Aj suffered several broken ribs
but recovered just fine.
The damage to his reputation,
was beyond repair.
I hear he's
at a community college now,
and the closest he gets
to Greek life these days
is souvlaki night
at the cafeteria.
It's time to forget about it
It's time to forget about it
[Charlie] Becca served 50
hours of community service
with Tanya tatas for illegal
drug distribution.
She is now her onset
personal fluffer.
Jonesy got vc money
to start a company
that converts vaginal discharge
into renewable energy.
And douche
has new found confidence
after creating
a first person shooter game
called "monsoon the poon."
And Billy made honor roll
and was accepted to mit.
[Laughs] Just kidding.
He's doing a victory lap
at Mason-Dixon.
He's now dating ten's
and doing lots of butt stuff.
Don't ask no questions
It's time to forget about it
[Vocalizing continues]
And me, I got to be the Alpha
I always dreamed of,
but more importantly,
I got katie and brotherhood.
I also got crabs
from Tanya tatas
but, hey, that's life
when you're
a motherfucking frat star.
[Music playing]
I can see sky
I wanna see the world
The bus doesn't stop here
I wanna celebrate every day
Yes, I want it all
Success doesn't stop here
And I enjoy it all every day
Took care of my business,
feeling so surreal
See all my fans smile
on the grill
'Cause I came from somewhere
in the middle of nowhere
I'm a self-made, something
They said I would be
nothing, self-made
Now I get self-paid
Now they say I'm great, hey
Like we in the 8th grade
But I've been d's list
Since I was a shorty
Bring the heat
like I lit a souffl
Hit me with your toupee
Not satisfied with average
I'm beyond it
You'll see my brightness
That's beyond me
I'mma make it
over those hardships
'Cause I was born
where they push hard
Get all the cash
Get all of my chips
Thank god,
that's all I can say
When I look at my make,
My whip, my grind
Now it's time that I climb
Up the ladder, y'all
This way
Go be great and get high
Go high up, sky
The sky,
I want to see the world
The bus doesn't stop here
I wanna celebrate every day
[Music continues]
- Break on 'em, saying
- the sky
I wanna see the world
The bus doesn't stop here
I wanna celebrate every day
Yes, I want it all
Since this doesn't stop here
And I'll enjoy it all,
ever day
last night was so fun
we turned out the crowd
Hey, cute girls, bright hot
Think my girls
are out of town
I'm turned up tonight
Have fun tonight
We livin' life
We came to party
I got no shame
No ring on me
And I came to play
Play, tonight
I'm gonna get fucked up
Pass out until I wake up
Then, then, do it all again
Get fucked up
Pass out until I wake up
Then, then, do it all again
[Music playing]
Do it all again, again
I'm gonna get fucked up
Pass out until I wake up
Then, then, do it all again
Get fucked up
Pass out until I wake up
Then, then, do it all again
[Music continues]
Do it all again, again
Do it all again
I already had
too many shots, shots
And I can't even think,
But I don't really
give a damn
I don't really give a damn
Pass me another drink,
pass me another drink
I don't need no chaser,
I'm gonna take it
to the head
I'm gonna take it
to the sheets
I'm gonna take it
to the bed, god damn
I'm turned up tonight
Have fun tonight
We livin' life
We came to party
I got no shame
No ring on me
No - I came to play
I'm gonna get fucked up
Pass out until I wake up
Then, then, do it all again
Get fucked up
Pass out until I wake up
Then, then, do it all again
Do it all again, again
Do it all again