Touch Me Not (2018) Movie Script
1
Why haven't you ever asked me
what is this film about?
And why haven't I ever told you, anyway?
Was it just you not being curious?
Or also me being relieved
you don't ask?
Was it our silent, comfortable agreement
not to talk about it?
Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Why?
You need to talk?
I wanted to know you a bit better
You don't have to tell me
anything you don't want to.
OK.
The words on your body,
did you write them?
No
It's part of a book
What language is it in?
Bulgarian
Can you explain to me what it says?
It's a really personal tattoo.
I feel that I really...
I take risks
90% of me wants to hide.
But the 10%, which is smaller,
is strong enough for me to be here
Well, I tell you, when you want to hide 90%,
you go through a lot of shit when filming
For me it's a.
It's a real challenge each time
It's excruciating.
Laura, I'm trying to understand, why am I doing
this kind of research
and what am I looking for,
why am I in your bedroom?
And I feel I still haven't managed to express
why I am here.
I think because it's not in the words area
It comes from
earlier on.
Before words?
Sometimes I have access to that
in my dreams.
Let's just stay in silence for a while.
Take a deep breath in.
Try to synchronize your breathing
with the breathing of your partner
And then open your eyes and just
look at each other.
Enjoy a moment of eye contact.
Be aware of your breathing
Breathe into your fingertips for a moment.
Send all your energy to your fingertips.
And softly start to use your fingers to explore
the face of your partner
Try to imagine how the face looks,
just with your fingers.
Just like every fingertip is a little eye
exploring this new landscape.
When you're ready to explore new territory,
then go to the nose,
the sides of the mouth.
Take your time.
Then, very slowly,
lift off your hands
No
No
Slowly come back to yourself.
Tomas and Christian,
can you describe what you feel in this journey?
I went through this roller coaster, up and down,
with all the emotions
And I tried to find a point in your eyes
where I could really see into your soul.
But I had a bit of trouble seeing that
I also noticed
there is some coverage
I mean, it felt like there is some cover over...
If I envisaged your soul
as a proper object,
then I would say there is a cover
or a blanket over it.
I don't know how to interpret that,
or how I could really notice that or so
Or if it was just an impression in my head
I hope I don't...
I don't hurt you when I say something like that
Tomas, how was it for you?
It's a very intimate part of the body.
The face..
It's not..
It's not very easy. But it's.
I don't know.
It becomes so intimate,
it's like you're falling from a cliff
I don't know what to say.
It's both good and frightening
to go into this zone,
more than any other part of the body.
The face is something very personal
Normally you don't let anyone into this space.
What did you feel when you touched his face?
It was not that easy around the mouth for me
It was more challenging there
Body fluids like saliva,
it's something very.
You're not used to get in
contact with that, necessarily.
It's not so easy to be so direct for me.
Normally I don't say things like this.
So directly.
It's good. I'm totally fine with that.
I enjoy the feedback
What feelings did this bring up?
It's..
It's..
... rejection.
It's overwhelming, it's just.
You wanna leave.
When there is something overwhelming, you just.
You don't want to be where you are
More salt?
Suppose you are the man.
You are the cello, of course.
And me...
I'm the piano.
I'm playing around you,
I'm embedding you,
I'm helping you
to play with strength
A really great piece of music
Well..
Maybe I'm not cheap,
but I think
I'm worth every dollar or every euro
you pay for me.
A possible outfit for "De Luxus Hanna"
Just listen to the wonderful music
Would you tell me a little bit about your desires?
Or it is too early?
And how did you find my telephone number?
On my internet site, I remember?
- Yes.
- OK
And you watched the site, I think?
What is interesting?
What interest would you have
in my person especially?
I think it's a bit.
I think it's a bit confused. I'm a bit confused.
- You have been confused?
- I am very confused
- Too many people in one person?
- No I mean..
In one of the videos I saw,
there was something very comfortable about you.
OK.
I'm a little bit influenced by my father,
who was a piano player.
And he studied in Munich, and so on
He played classical,
and it was a great impression to me
to just hear him playing music
when I got to sleep as a child.
There were no children's songs.
There was Chopin, there was Beethoven
Something like this.
Well,
so I got accustomed to that sort of music and...
Where do you have your music, around here?
Down here.
Would you like to choose?
My father liked Brahms very much.
It's a sort of melancholic music
Just hear a little bit
Sit down. Why so shy?
What do you feel now?
It's a little bit more distance or less distance?
- With you, you mean?
- Yes
I feel more comfortable,
- but I don't want you to get too close.
- OK
It's too close for you?
A bit.
OK. No problem.
- But I can take off my shoes.
- OK
I like them and I hate them.
Would you tell me a little bit more
about this call boy?
And what you did.
The nothing you did?
So, this young man comes around,
and we have this ritual.
If you tell me that you watch people,
this young guy getting undressed for instance,
I could do the same with you.
There are kinds of prostitution.
For instance, you can be a call boy,
going to the apartment of people,
you can be in a brothel,
you can be on the street.
I've done all these things.
But what I never have done
is having been member of a peep show
And this I would like to do.
In a certain sense,
you would fulfill a desire of mine,
just playing peep show for you
There are many men
just dropping the coins,
nothing else.
Maybe a man in this direction opens this window,
opens this window, opens this window.
This is the whole truth.
What about the breasts?
The nipples
standing a little bit
Touch them. You can even spit a little bit,
so it goes a little bit more smoothly
I think my penis is my clit,
clitoris. It's the same.
Also you can manipulate it the same.
I do not do it like the men do it.
I just do it, I'll show you,
more like a woman does it
See?
Now Laura, how do you feel?
What about your body?
I live with my body every day.
But I suppose I don't really know it.
Apart from the varicose veins,
the scar
You know, when she asked me:
Talk to me about your body or.
You know, I didn't have anything to say
In my perception, you are your body,
in this moment.
And you are talking about your body
as about a stranger
It's kind of questioning.
You know, when Hanna
became, or chose to become a female,
she was 50, she was about my age
And I think it's an age where you start thinking:
OK, I've got another...
.. let's say 15 to 20 years
of hopefully being in good health.
Do I want to continue the way I'm living now?
- It's something you can't control.
- Yes.
It's totally bad
I wouldn't say that there is good and bad
I mean, for you it was distracting,
and you had the impulse to go away.
But it's not bad
It's just something you experienced
And you can go into that emotion
and feel how it feels to have that emotion,
wanting to go away Really experience that.
Did you have long hair at some stage?
Yes, until I was 13
Did you decide to take it away?
No, it's natural, I lost all my hair
Oh, I didn't know that. How was it?
It was pretty hard then, when you're 13
I can imagine
When you are young, you are very vulnerable,
you want to have contacts with girls, and so on
It's not easy to be different, I guess.
No
How did you manage to cope? How did you.
I just hold all my emotions inside.
I never cried, I never did anything. I just...
- That must be hard.
- Yes.
And you, being different?
In my childhood I had one experience,
that I was in physiotherapy,
and I was talking to my therapist,
and I was mentioning
that sometimes I feel that.
I'm a brain being carried around
without any body
And that was the state of my mind
until I really came in touch
with the pleasure of sexuality.
I can feel your heart
You had cold hands, and now they are warming up
Scars.
I have a scar,
here.
Your belly button is different than mine.
This is a funny part
- Inexplicable.
- Yes.
An old connection.
What color was your hair?
Blondish.
It was tough for me then
I went from being the cute boy to the weird.
I was always wearing a hat, hiding
And how do you feel now?
You feel comfortable in your skin?
Yes.
It's been more than half of my life
If I had a choice, I wouldn't choose hair today.
In a way, it's also one mask less.
We are always hiding behind many masks,
and hair is one mask.
And it's like being more naked like that now
And I have a lot of hair
It's in my genes
I used to be very embarrassed when I was little
that I had hair on my.
Your hands?
... on my hands
And because I'm very dark, with pale skin
And you can see everything
I spent my whole childhood
being told what to do.
And I did think, when I grew up,
I thought there's gonna be this miracle age: 18
And when you wake up on your 18th birthday,
it's all changed.
Freedom
is there
What a disappointment.
It's very innocent.
But freedom.
... is a hell of a.
.. quest.
Isn't it?
Freedom fighters.
I could give you a few options
and you can say: That's what I need.
Let's start with something I think you don't need,
so you see what I feel like How does that feel?
Some clients need a boyfriend experience
They want to feel cozy and loved
and have a snuggle for several hours,
and just sort of feel that closeness
I think you probably don't need that right now,
but you'll probably need that another time
Some people like to surrender,
being physically overpowered
Holding your wrists,
holding you down,
and sort of being ripped asunder emotionally.
So whatever is knocking at the door,
I burst that door down,
and let it come out.
So I force my way in,
but within consent I force my way in
Just by holding your wrist down?
Holding your wrist is a start.
There's also tools like floggers and ropes,
kink, BDSM, role-play
Move your hand towards your heart
You're a strong lass.
That emotion that came out, that "whraa"
that we spoke about earlier,
is a powerful force inside you
The creature behind the door,
your shadow will come out through that "whraa"
It's just one wrist.
You've got two, of course
And ankles, and clothes,
and thighs
How's that feel?
It feels
powerful.
It doesn't actually scare me.
Behind most people's "whraa",
unreleased "whraa", there's a story
And sometimes that story is really relevant
In terms of the healing process,
telling that story is really a potent thing.
And sometimes, that's not relevant at all.
Do you think with you, it's relevant,
the story that's there?
I honestly.
I honestly don't know.
I don't think
my story is...
There's anything particularly incredible
about my story.
I mean, I don't understand
why I've reached this point because of my story
So, maybe there's something in my story I don't know
Or I don't remember.
I'm gonna touch your hair
All emotion welcome here
This emotion, this shadow,
this thing that's locked inside you.
This is the start of releasing it
This is what you called me for.
I've got the skills to hold you,
as you go through it,
but you're gonna drive at your own pace.
You're feeling safe?
I think so, yeah
There's some good energy inside you,
there's some potent emotion inside that "whraa"
When the door opens,
there's levels of intimacy
that help you feel safe to be emotional
We can also bring that more into your body,
bringing the "whraa" from here, down to here, to here
- OK.
- Would you like to try something like that?
Shall we stand. Shall we go here?
I'm gonna tap you here.
How does that feel?
Look into my eyes. How does that feel?
OK.
If you want harder,
you tell me: harder
Harder.
How does that feel, Laura?
I'm gonna use two hands
I'm gonna shake you a little bit.
This feels like punching down,
breaking down the locked-up temple walls
in here,
letting love in.
How does that feel?
Can I touch your tears?
And there I touch your face.
How's that?
Uncomfortable
I taste your tear.
I have a fetish for tears
You're missing salt.
Maybe
There's that shadow behind the door.
And male sexuality
is one of the things that's keeping it there
It's good to become conscious of that
Think, you're in bed,
or in intimate situations with your lovers,
if this is having this unconscious effect on you,
it also can stop you
from being intimate with people.
But if you can project that out
without breaking your wrists,
there's more chance of intimacy.
What was the word you used yesterday?
When I said revolt, and you said.
Anger.
I wasn't expecting to scream.
And I didn't realize how just a simple
someone holding your wrist,
in a non-aggressive way,
could make me so angry
I think I'm really scared of my anger.
Open your eyes.
And then, very slowly
lift off your hand from your partner's chest.
Slowly come back to yourself.
And breathe
Do we have a towel, or a paper or something?
I think I'm drooling a bit Maybe you can wipe me?
Yes. That's better.
I guess there's one discussion there
that could be. We could give it a try.
- Sure.
- Please feel free
I think I was..
I was brought up.
I think my mother was in a way that she was.
She didn't want to.
She didn't always feel so good when I was a kid
and she didn't want me to feel that she felt bad
So she was always hiding her emotions,
she was always smiling when she was feeling bad.
Like it was a certain message that was:
"You always have to feel good."
And I think I often try to say only good things
Also, when I feel something else,
I just push it away and I'm not allowing myself
to say things that I think
could hurt someone else.
And it's freeing
to be against someone that is not afraid
of talking things straight out
and receiving things and..
... being in a secure space like here,
where I allow myself to talk a bit more openly.
And it's a.
It's so great I'm very grateful for that
Thank you.
It was.. It helped me when you said
that there's no bad nor good.
It's just what it is.
It's not bad to feel something
that you don't like but...
It is like it is.
At some stage I learned,
or I heard, that all this
idea of good and bad
is actually
a thing coming from the Middle Ages,
or from Christianity,
which is quite artificial,
to divide the world into two parts,
good and bad
And that's actually not how the world works
Things are much more complex
than black and white, good and bad.
There's so many shades of everything.
How about we exchange places?
I go there.
And you come here.
This is a really tough place to be
Why?
I think I'm feeling what you must have felt
very often, in this place
What do you feel?
I think it's a lot of fear.
Do you know what of?
Of being looked at.
Of being judged.
And I think the most powerful moment I've seen
was when you touched your anger.
It was something I knew very well.
Did I scream for you?
Just listen to the music.
Just reflect on what you expect from me
How can I help you
It's very much more light
It's more easy.
More..
- A bit more playful.
- Yes.
There you see music is a play.
Also, I think sexuality is a play.
Just... you ought to take it a little bit easy.
Well, I'd like to be more relaxed
OK.
- I'm relaxed.
- I know
And I'm not.
And I wish I were
OK Just try to do the same as I do
Literally?
Lie down and be on a beach.
Like being in a mirror.
There is a mirror, there is you, OK.
It's so quiet.
Just watch it
A little bit more lively.
Four intelligent people just chatting.
Like birds.
It's the same Brahms as we heard last time,
but he was a little bit older here,
a little bit more relaxed.
Yes, of course.
The age of composers is also important.
So we move a little bit opposite.
Come.
It's a mirror.
I'm your mirror.
You are my mirror. OK?
It's really like birds
I didn't hear this piece of music
for a long time
Schumann got seriously ill,
ill in the brain
He was transferred to a hospital
so they could keep him closed in
He even tried to murder himself.
And Brahms
and the young Clara Schumann were alone
And so they came together
But Brahms was completely unable
to practice sexuality
He couldn't really get close to her
Because he was such an introverted man.
And he suffered from his introversion,
so he put everything in his music
All his feelings, he put in his music.
Lucky thing.
I think with you it's different.
- Don't you think?
- Different how?
Well,
I think.
It's just my feeling.
There may be a sort of inhibition.
But I think we...
... can overcome it.
Always presenting something new for my clients.
So?
What do you see?
An imperfect body.
This belly, very much too fat
This here, this navel - broken.
I caught it with this piercing.
That's OK.
My breasts. Well...
I have names for my breasts Have I told you?
- No.
- No?
This is Gusti
- Gusti?
- Gusti
How do you do?
I'm fine!
This is Lilo.
- Lilo?
- Lilo.
Why did you choose Gusti and Lilo?
Well, it was spontaneous
I always give names spontaneously.
Yes.
Gusti is, well, more sensitive, you know?
And Lilo,
Lilo had an operation
Lilo was not there before.
- And Gusti was?
- Gusti was.
So, Gusti is the older one also.
They are sisters, you know?
I think there is no weird,
really weird, in sexuality.
You don't think what? That there's no what?
I think there's nothing weird in sexuality It's nothing
There are just things which are dangerous.
Dangerous for your life and for your health,
and for your psyche
And every other thing shouldn't be forbidden.
It's your way to play this game,
in my opinion.
And I think it's fascinating.
Room tone with rain in the background
What would you say
is your favorite part of your body?
I think
if I need to name one part,
that would be my eyes,
I think I have.
I'm aware I have nice eyes
Some say that they are beautiful
and sparkling.
And I'm proud of that
I think I can reach people with my eyes,
and talk to them through my eyes
Yes, your eyes are very strong, I think
I noticed that right away.
But I also like my hair.
I like my skin
I like my penis
There's so many parts of my body which I do like.
About my hair, I'm really proud of my hair,
because it's not only a part of the body,
but also a statement.
It's also a lifestyle,
pretty much connected to the way I live my life,
to the freedom I want to feel.
And non-conformity.
The penis...
I do like it,
because it's one of the parts of my body
which functions totally normally.
I have this severe disability,
but I don't suffer from my disability.
There is a phrase. We are always saying
he or she is suffering from disability.
And I hate that phrase
But still, it is complex,
living in a different-abled body
Sometimes I would like to scratch my head,
I would like to move and I would like to...
Sometimes I would like to be able
to just actively fuck
That would be nice
Not to be passive, but to be active in that part
I wish I had the opportunity
to caress my wife,
and to take her into my arms actively.
But it's the way it is, and I'm OK with that.
But therefore, I'm very very happy
that my penis is very normal,
and sizewise it's good
Altogether,
I think I'm quite an attractive man
I'm different
I'm not beautiful in the mainstream sense,
or in terms of norm.
But I don't give a fuck about norms anyway
Overall,
I think my body, as it is,
is a gift.
And life is a journey to experience that gift
I know it's you
Please understand.
Stop calling.
It's over.
I didn't know you come here
I don't.
I'm looking for someone.
And you?
You come here often?
Yes, sometimes.
It's an interesting place
I'm a searcher
and a hunter
for knowledge and for wisdom
in sexual art
Sex is a big part of my life,
which I like to enjoy
and to celebrate more
And I like to open my mind
and to get a broader horizon.
I look at it a bit also like an art.
Yes, because...
it's not only something you do with your body,
but it's also.
If it's really great, then there is...
I call it
a moment of wonder
And that's something meaningful,
something which stays
I was with my man
trying to make love
And all of a sudden,
I feel there's someone with us in bed.
And I realize it's my mother,
just lying in bed, next to me
There is this physical thing,
there is this cringe in my whole body,
that she shouldn't be there.
So I push her out,
I tell her to leave.
So she gets out of the bed, she stands.
And, worse than that,
I realize she's naked
She stands at the end of the bed,
and she doesn't leave.
She was like a child,
standing there like this, very fragile,
and saying that she doesn't wanna leave,
because she doesn't want to be alone.
And it gets really unbearable.
I insist she leaves,
I tell her that's not her place,
she should leave the room.
So I push my mother outside,
through the hallway I close the door
And guess what?
She appears in the fucking door of the balcony.
Standing there, naked,
very fragile, very vulnerable,
and she really wanted in
She didn't want to be alone.
And this is how I woke up
And this is a dream I will never forget.
It's powerful.
And where's the anger in that?
Well, in your dream you're not angry
because you're.
You want to get rid of her,
but she moves you, because she needs you.
You know when you talked to me about your dream,
you described how fragile she looks,
quite a few times.
As if the fact that she was fragile
meant that you couldn't be angry,
because your aim isn't to hurt her
Your aim is for her just to leave
In dreams,
you can be everybody
You know, when you were talking,
at one point I felt like saying to you,
"Can you say the same thing, and
say 'I' instead of 'her'?"
I think needing someone
makes me weak and vulnerable.
Because.
I don't have the freedom to be myself,
because if I am myself, with all the shit,
and with all my feelings,
and especially
with my anger,
I'm gonna lose that person I need
I understand that.
Loving another without losing yourself is...
Difficult
It's such a damn challenge
I hope that's possible.
I'm looking with this huge curiosity
at other people
How they manage.
How the fuck do they manage?
The hair gets tired
if you keep it out more than.
Maybe you can give some coffee to your hair
There's something like coffee shampoo.
You have curls now.
Yes.
Like that? Or different?
I leave this closed or open?
Open.
- Open like that?
- Open
I like it open.
I've got a knot down there.
You know, closed is maybe more practical,
but this is far more beautiful.
You look so female.
Can you come a bit closer?
And put my arm a bit backwards.
Like that?
I think we have an audience.
It does look like it.
What do you feel now?
When you allow us in your intimacy?
What makes you allow us
in there, in that very special place?
I feel trusted and trusting at the same time,
and I feel I really hope
that I can change people's perspective,
that I can change your perspective,
as an audience
That you have a wider horizon
after you have seen me.
And I invite you to celebrate your body
and enjoy it every day.
I'm here now, also. With you
- Hi.
- Hi, Tomas!
Hi.
I've been very touched
by watching your relationship
It's very emotional to hear that.
I felt like
a connection that was on a very deep level.
Yeah.
And it's.
It's inspiring to see
such a strong connection.
It's..
My whole vision of you has changed so much
since I met you first.
When I saw Grit so strong, carrying you and...
She was this rock. And then.
I saw the whole situation turn around when.
you were the rock and she was
in a situation where she felt weak.
It's beautiful to see this balance
I think it's important
to have balance in your relationship.
Many people don't see that balance with us,
but we are in a good balance, I guess
Otherwise it wouldn't work for such a long time.
Do you think, Grit,
that your way of perceiving the world has changed
since you are together?
Definitely, I feel really held
in Christian's arms,
very much.
And it's a feeling of strength, and a feeling
of trust and warmth.
And I don't feel that I need to show people
I'm strong, or so.
It seems
we have a very natural relationship to each other
It's not that we are,
as a relationship,
it's also not that we are always "happy together"
or in a state of "cloud 11" or so.
We are very grumpy sometimes,
and we clash with each other sometimes
Especially when we are in a stressful situation
But I have the feeling you are very honest
- always, with how you feel.
- Yes.
I think this honesty is very important
because we know that,
even if for one minute we shout at each other,
the next minute we will be good again
You're very clear with some boundaries,
aren't you?
If you can't say no,
you can never really say yes.
Would you like to explore your boundaries
in a ritual in which there's no expectation?
- OK.
- Yes?
Can I put my hand here?
How does that feel?
OK.
- What's going on?
- I got kind of nausea.
From the hand?
I don't know.
Now we go here, just below, between your.
- My plexus.
- Your plexus.
- How does that feel?
- OK
I push a little bit.
I'm gonna come down
to your belly
Is that OK there?
How does that feel?
It's beginning to feel uncomfortable
Somewhere here is a jump.
Somewhere here is a jump between you and me
Can I touch you hungrily?
That's the trigger, I think.
And what do I do with your hunger?
Someone's desire for you,
a man's desire for you is a big trigger.
This is what I'm feeling here,
the second I start to pull you in.
That's gonna be a trigger there.
That's related to your father and all this other stuff
Breath with me.
We're ready?
Pulling you in. Feeling my lust.
Feeling my genitals
Very strong defense
Keep going
When you nod, I'm gonna do it again, ready?
Powerful and potent.
Stay with it.
Stay with me
Show me your eyes
All emotion welcome here
What happened?
It's OK.
It's OK.
There's a lot of things
that happened the last days for me.
Internal changes and.
There's something very important that I realized.
Which came to me like an epiphany
It is, when Christian was talking about my wall,
which is something I'm conscious of,
And I've been trying to work on for a very long time.
And to me, this wall was always a wall
to protect me from something outside,
not coming into me.
And suddenly, yesterday, it came to me in a flash,
that this wall was absolutely not to protect
anything from outside coming in
It was absolutely the opposite.
I'm protecting something from the inside
which can come out.
This filter on what emotion I'm ready to let out
makes me so unfree.
Stay there
Everything is good
Good girl
Why did you come?
I'm curious.
I'm curious to know
why you are following me.
I'd like you to look at me.
OK.
I'm looking at you now.
I'd like you. to look at me naked.
Can you watch me?
You can do it.
OK.
It's OK.
It's OK.
I'm watching you now
I'm watching your body now.
Can you sing me a lullaby?
A lullaby.
I'm not quite sure I can remember a lullaby.
There was this song I used to like when I was young
It kind of went.
I used to have this girlfriend known as Elsie
She used to have this little room in Chelsea.
She wasn't what you'd call a blushing flower.
As a matter of fact, she rented by the hour.
The day she died, the neighbours came to snicker.
That's what comes
with too many beers and liquor.
But when I saw her laid out like a queen,
she was the happiest corpse I'd ever seen.
It's one of the best lullabies I've ever heard
You want me to sing you a lullaby?
In Icelandic.
What's it about?
It's like..
Sleep, my little baby.
Rain is crying outside
Mommy is keeping your little toys.
You shouldn't be awake
in the dark night.
I used to feel very calm
when my mom sang this to me
I was so sure I knew everything
about intimacy,
about trust,
desire,
safety
As time passed by,
with real life, with real people,
all my so clear - once - views on things
got gradually destabilized.
After 20 years of being away from home,
of thinking I'm a free, grown-up woman,
I understood the umbilical cord between us
hasn't actually been cut
Not yet.
You're still running through my veins
As a dear friend put it:
Tell me how you were loved,
to tell you how you love.
Tell me
how you loved me,
so I can understand how I love,
how to love
When I started to ask you
about all these memories,
do you remember how difficult it was,
for both of us?
I came to understand how this love-myth
hides so many conflicting emotions,
how layers of anger,
guilt,
violence
make it so difficult to reach that "love".
And how today, I carry with me,
in my intimate life,
the fear of losing the one I love,
the distrust,
the anger,
the never fulfilled longing.
Is there also a conflict
between your image of me
and who I really am?
And am I maybe still
too afraid to ruin this image,
for fear I lose you?
Is this maybe why we never talked about this film?
Mela-mela, melancholy
Melancholy, my dear
Mela-mela, melancholy
Floats over the new city and over the country
Over the control centers
Over the concrete stubble fields
Over the secret bunkers
Which are impossible to remove
Marlene, go home!
Over the Marlene-Dietrich-Platz, too
The new temples are already cracked,
Future ruins
One day, grass will grow over this city too,
Over its last layer
Mela-mela, melancholy
Melancholy, my dear
Mela-mela, melancholy
Floats over the new city and over the country
In the sky slashed to pieces
By the rehearsing jets flying across.
She hangs with widespread wings
Sleepless,
Her frozen gaze
Turned towards the rubble
Behind her, the future is piling up
Slowly, she flies higher and higher,
Finally overseeing the whole country
What's the state of the country?
What's the state of the country?
Why haven't you ever asked me
what is this film about?
And why haven't I ever told you, anyway?
Was it just you not being curious?
Or also me being relieved
you don't ask?
Was it our silent, comfortable agreement
not to talk about it?
Do you mind if I ask you a few questions?
Why?
You need to talk?
I wanted to know you a bit better
You don't have to tell me
anything you don't want to.
OK.
The words on your body,
did you write them?
No
It's part of a book
What language is it in?
Bulgarian
Can you explain to me what it says?
It's a really personal tattoo.
I feel that I really...
I take risks
90% of me wants to hide.
But the 10%, which is smaller,
is strong enough for me to be here
Well, I tell you, when you want to hide 90%,
you go through a lot of shit when filming
For me it's a.
It's a real challenge each time
It's excruciating.
Laura, I'm trying to understand, why am I doing
this kind of research
and what am I looking for,
why am I in your bedroom?
And I feel I still haven't managed to express
why I am here.
I think because it's not in the words area
It comes from
earlier on.
Before words?
Sometimes I have access to that
in my dreams.
Let's just stay in silence for a while.
Take a deep breath in.
Try to synchronize your breathing
with the breathing of your partner
And then open your eyes and just
look at each other.
Enjoy a moment of eye contact.
Be aware of your breathing
Breathe into your fingertips for a moment.
Send all your energy to your fingertips.
And softly start to use your fingers to explore
the face of your partner
Try to imagine how the face looks,
just with your fingers.
Just like every fingertip is a little eye
exploring this new landscape.
When you're ready to explore new territory,
then go to the nose,
the sides of the mouth.
Take your time.
Then, very slowly,
lift off your hands
No
No
Slowly come back to yourself.
Tomas and Christian,
can you describe what you feel in this journey?
I went through this roller coaster, up and down,
with all the emotions
And I tried to find a point in your eyes
where I could really see into your soul.
But I had a bit of trouble seeing that
I also noticed
there is some coverage
I mean, it felt like there is some cover over...
If I envisaged your soul
as a proper object,
then I would say there is a cover
or a blanket over it.
I don't know how to interpret that,
or how I could really notice that or so
Or if it was just an impression in my head
I hope I don't...
I don't hurt you when I say something like that
Tomas, how was it for you?
It's a very intimate part of the body.
The face..
It's not..
It's not very easy. But it's.
I don't know.
It becomes so intimate,
it's like you're falling from a cliff
I don't know what to say.
It's both good and frightening
to go into this zone,
more than any other part of the body.
The face is something very personal
Normally you don't let anyone into this space.
What did you feel when you touched his face?
It was not that easy around the mouth for me
It was more challenging there
Body fluids like saliva,
it's something very.
You're not used to get in
contact with that, necessarily.
It's not so easy to be so direct for me.
Normally I don't say things like this.
So directly.
It's good. I'm totally fine with that.
I enjoy the feedback
What feelings did this bring up?
It's..
It's..
... rejection.
It's overwhelming, it's just.
You wanna leave.
When there is something overwhelming, you just.
You don't want to be where you are
More salt?
Suppose you are the man.
You are the cello, of course.
And me...
I'm the piano.
I'm playing around you,
I'm embedding you,
I'm helping you
to play with strength
A really great piece of music
Well..
Maybe I'm not cheap,
but I think
I'm worth every dollar or every euro
you pay for me.
A possible outfit for "De Luxus Hanna"
Just listen to the wonderful music
Would you tell me a little bit about your desires?
Or it is too early?
And how did you find my telephone number?
On my internet site, I remember?
- Yes.
- OK
And you watched the site, I think?
What is interesting?
What interest would you have
in my person especially?
I think it's a bit.
I think it's a bit confused. I'm a bit confused.
- You have been confused?
- I am very confused
- Too many people in one person?
- No I mean..
In one of the videos I saw,
there was something very comfortable about you.
OK.
I'm a little bit influenced by my father,
who was a piano player.
And he studied in Munich, and so on
He played classical,
and it was a great impression to me
to just hear him playing music
when I got to sleep as a child.
There were no children's songs.
There was Chopin, there was Beethoven
Something like this.
Well,
so I got accustomed to that sort of music and...
Where do you have your music, around here?
Down here.
Would you like to choose?
My father liked Brahms very much.
It's a sort of melancholic music
Just hear a little bit
Sit down. Why so shy?
What do you feel now?
It's a little bit more distance or less distance?
- With you, you mean?
- Yes
I feel more comfortable,
- but I don't want you to get too close.
- OK
It's too close for you?
A bit.
OK. No problem.
- But I can take off my shoes.
- OK
I like them and I hate them.
Would you tell me a little bit more
about this call boy?
And what you did.
The nothing you did?
So, this young man comes around,
and we have this ritual.
If you tell me that you watch people,
this young guy getting undressed for instance,
I could do the same with you.
There are kinds of prostitution.
For instance, you can be a call boy,
going to the apartment of people,
you can be in a brothel,
you can be on the street.
I've done all these things.
But what I never have done
is having been member of a peep show
And this I would like to do.
In a certain sense,
you would fulfill a desire of mine,
just playing peep show for you
There are many men
just dropping the coins,
nothing else.
Maybe a man in this direction opens this window,
opens this window, opens this window.
This is the whole truth.
What about the breasts?
The nipples
standing a little bit
Touch them. You can even spit a little bit,
so it goes a little bit more smoothly
I think my penis is my clit,
clitoris. It's the same.
Also you can manipulate it the same.
I do not do it like the men do it.
I just do it, I'll show you,
more like a woman does it
See?
Now Laura, how do you feel?
What about your body?
I live with my body every day.
But I suppose I don't really know it.
Apart from the varicose veins,
the scar
You know, when she asked me:
Talk to me about your body or.
You know, I didn't have anything to say
In my perception, you are your body,
in this moment.
And you are talking about your body
as about a stranger
It's kind of questioning.
You know, when Hanna
became, or chose to become a female,
she was 50, she was about my age
And I think it's an age where you start thinking:
OK, I've got another...
.. let's say 15 to 20 years
of hopefully being in good health.
Do I want to continue the way I'm living now?
- It's something you can't control.
- Yes.
It's totally bad
I wouldn't say that there is good and bad
I mean, for you it was distracting,
and you had the impulse to go away.
But it's not bad
It's just something you experienced
And you can go into that emotion
and feel how it feels to have that emotion,
wanting to go away Really experience that.
Did you have long hair at some stage?
Yes, until I was 13
Did you decide to take it away?
No, it's natural, I lost all my hair
Oh, I didn't know that. How was it?
It was pretty hard then, when you're 13
I can imagine
When you are young, you are very vulnerable,
you want to have contacts with girls, and so on
It's not easy to be different, I guess.
No
How did you manage to cope? How did you.
I just hold all my emotions inside.
I never cried, I never did anything. I just...
- That must be hard.
- Yes.
And you, being different?
In my childhood I had one experience,
that I was in physiotherapy,
and I was talking to my therapist,
and I was mentioning
that sometimes I feel that.
I'm a brain being carried around
without any body
And that was the state of my mind
until I really came in touch
with the pleasure of sexuality.
I can feel your heart
You had cold hands, and now they are warming up
Scars.
I have a scar,
here.
Your belly button is different than mine.
This is a funny part
- Inexplicable.
- Yes.
An old connection.
What color was your hair?
Blondish.
It was tough for me then
I went from being the cute boy to the weird.
I was always wearing a hat, hiding
And how do you feel now?
You feel comfortable in your skin?
Yes.
It's been more than half of my life
If I had a choice, I wouldn't choose hair today.
In a way, it's also one mask less.
We are always hiding behind many masks,
and hair is one mask.
And it's like being more naked like that now
And I have a lot of hair
It's in my genes
I used to be very embarrassed when I was little
that I had hair on my.
Your hands?
... on my hands
And because I'm very dark, with pale skin
And you can see everything
I spent my whole childhood
being told what to do.
And I did think, when I grew up,
I thought there's gonna be this miracle age: 18
And when you wake up on your 18th birthday,
it's all changed.
Freedom
is there
What a disappointment.
It's very innocent.
But freedom.
... is a hell of a.
.. quest.
Isn't it?
Freedom fighters.
I could give you a few options
and you can say: That's what I need.
Let's start with something I think you don't need,
so you see what I feel like How does that feel?
Some clients need a boyfriend experience
They want to feel cozy and loved
and have a snuggle for several hours,
and just sort of feel that closeness
I think you probably don't need that right now,
but you'll probably need that another time
Some people like to surrender,
being physically overpowered
Holding your wrists,
holding you down,
and sort of being ripped asunder emotionally.
So whatever is knocking at the door,
I burst that door down,
and let it come out.
So I force my way in,
but within consent I force my way in
Just by holding your wrist down?
Holding your wrist is a start.
There's also tools like floggers and ropes,
kink, BDSM, role-play
Move your hand towards your heart
You're a strong lass.
That emotion that came out, that "whraa"
that we spoke about earlier,
is a powerful force inside you
The creature behind the door,
your shadow will come out through that "whraa"
It's just one wrist.
You've got two, of course
And ankles, and clothes,
and thighs
How's that feel?
It feels
powerful.
It doesn't actually scare me.
Behind most people's "whraa",
unreleased "whraa", there's a story
And sometimes that story is really relevant
In terms of the healing process,
telling that story is really a potent thing.
And sometimes, that's not relevant at all.
Do you think with you, it's relevant,
the story that's there?
I honestly.
I honestly don't know.
I don't think
my story is...
There's anything particularly incredible
about my story.
I mean, I don't understand
why I've reached this point because of my story
So, maybe there's something in my story I don't know
Or I don't remember.
I'm gonna touch your hair
All emotion welcome here
This emotion, this shadow,
this thing that's locked inside you.
This is the start of releasing it
This is what you called me for.
I've got the skills to hold you,
as you go through it,
but you're gonna drive at your own pace.
You're feeling safe?
I think so, yeah
There's some good energy inside you,
there's some potent emotion inside that "whraa"
When the door opens,
there's levels of intimacy
that help you feel safe to be emotional
We can also bring that more into your body,
bringing the "whraa" from here, down to here, to here
- OK.
- Would you like to try something like that?
Shall we stand. Shall we go here?
I'm gonna tap you here.
How does that feel?
Look into my eyes. How does that feel?
OK.
If you want harder,
you tell me: harder
Harder.
How does that feel, Laura?
I'm gonna use two hands
I'm gonna shake you a little bit.
This feels like punching down,
breaking down the locked-up temple walls
in here,
letting love in.
How does that feel?
Can I touch your tears?
And there I touch your face.
How's that?
Uncomfortable
I taste your tear.
I have a fetish for tears
You're missing salt.
Maybe
There's that shadow behind the door.
And male sexuality
is one of the things that's keeping it there
It's good to become conscious of that
Think, you're in bed,
or in intimate situations with your lovers,
if this is having this unconscious effect on you,
it also can stop you
from being intimate with people.
But if you can project that out
without breaking your wrists,
there's more chance of intimacy.
What was the word you used yesterday?
When I said revolt, and you said.
Anger.
I wasn't expecting to scream.
And I didn't realize how just a simple
someone holding your wrist,
in a non-aggressive way,
could make me so angry
I think I'm really scared of my anger.
Open your eyes.
And then, very slowly
lift off your hand from your partner's chest.
Slowly come back to yourself.
And breathe
Do we have a towel, or a paper or something?
I think I'm drooling a bit Maybe you can wipe me?
Yes. That's better.
I guess there's one discussion there
that could be. We could give it a try.
- Sure.
- Please feel free
I think I was..
I was brought up.
I think my mother was in a way that she was.
She didn't want to.
She didn't always feel so good when I was a kid
and she didn't want me to feel that she felt bad
So she was always hiding her emotions,
she was always smiling when she was feeling bad.
Like it was a certain message that was:
"You always have to feel good."
And I think I often try to say only good things
Also, when I feel something else,
I just push it away and I'm not allowing myself
to say things that I think
could hurt someone else.
And it's freeing
to be against someone that is not afraid
of talking things straight out
and receiving things and..
... being in a secure space like here,
where I allow myself to talk a bit more openly.
And it's a.
It's so great I'm very grateful for that
Thank you.
It was.. It helped me when you said
that there's no bad nor good.
It's just what it is.
It's not bad to feel something
that you don't like but...
It is like it is.
At some stage I learned,
or I heard, that all this
idea of good and bad
is actually
a thing coming from the Middle Ages,
or from Christianity,
which is quite artificial,
to divide the world into two parts,
good and bad
And that's actually not how the world works
Things are much more complex
than black and white, good and bad.
There's so many shades of everything.
How about we exchange places?
I go there.
And you come here.
This is a really tough place to be
Why?
I think I'm feeling what you must have felt
very often, in this place
What do you feel?
I think it's a lot of fear.
Do you know what of?
Of being looked at.
Of being judged.
And I think the most powerful moment I've seen
was when you touched your anger.
It was something I knew very well.
Did I scream for you?
Just listen to the music.
Just reflect on what you expect from me
How can I help you
It's very much more light
It's more easy.
More..
- A bit more playful.
- Yes.
There you see music is a play.
Also, I think sexuality is a play.
Just... you ought to take it a little bit easy.
Well, I'd like to be more relaxed
OK.
- I'm relaxed.
- I know
And I'm not.
And I wish I were
OK Just try to do the same as I do
Literally?
Lie down and be on a beach.
Like being in a mirror.
There is a mirror, there is you, OK.
It's so quiet.
Just watch it
A little bit more lively.
Four intelligent people just chatting.
Like birds.
It's the same Brahms as we heard last time,
but he was a little bit older here,
a little bit more relaxed.
Yes, of course.
The age of composers is also important.
So we move a little bit opposite.
Come.
It's a mirror.
I'm your mirror.
You are my mirror. OK?
It's really like birds
I didn't hear this piece of music
for a long time
Schumann got seriously ill,
ill in the brain
He was transferred to a hospital
so they could keep him closed in
He even tried to murder himself.
And Brahms
and the young Clara Schumann were alone
And so they came together
But Brahms was completely unable
to practice sexuality
He couldn't really get close to her
Because he was such an introverted man.
And he suffered from his introversion,
so he put everything in his music
All his feelings, he put in his music.
Lucky thing.
I think with you it's different.
- Don't you think?
- Different how?
Well,
I think.
It's just my feeling.
There may be a sort of inhibition.
But I think we...
... can overcome it.
Always presenting something new for my clients.
So?
What do you see?
An imperfect body.
This belly, very much too fat
This here, this navel - broken.
I caught it with this piercing.
That's OK.
My breasts. Well...
I have names for my breasts Have I told you?
- No.
- No?
This is Gusti
- Gusti?
- Gusti
How do you do?
I'm fine!
This is Lilo.
- Lilo?
- Lilo.
Why did you choose Gusti and Lilo?
Well, it was spontaneous
I always give names spontaneously.
Yes.
Gusti is, well, more sensitive, you know?
And Lilo,
Lilo had an operation
Lilo was not there before.
- And Gusti was?
- Gusti was.
So, Gusti is the older one also.
They are sisters, you know?
I think there is no weird,
really weird, in sexuality.
You don't think what? That there's no what?
I think there's nothing weird in sexuality It's nothing
There are just things which are dangerous.
Dangerous for your life and for your health,
and for your psyche
And every other thing shouldn't be forbidden.
It's your way to play this game,
in my opinion.
And I think it's fascinating.
Room tone with rain in the background
What would you say
is your favorite part of your body?
I think
if I need to name one part,
that would be my eyes,
I think I have.
I'm aware I have nice eyes
Some say that they are beautiful
and sparkling.
And I'm proud of that
I think I can reach people with my eyes,
and talk to them through my eyes
Yes, your eyes are very strong, I think
I noticed that right away.
But I also like my hair.
I like my skin
I like my penis
There's so many parts of my body which I do like.
About my hair, I'm really proud of my hair,
because it's not only a part of the body,
but also a statement.
It's also a lifestyle,
pretty much connected to the way I live my life,
to the freedom I want to feel.
And non-conformity.
The penis...
I do like it,
because it's one of the parts of my body
which functions totally normally.
I have this severe disability,
but I don't suffer from my disability.
There is a phrase. We are always saying
he or she is suffering from disability.
And I hate that phrase
But still, it is complex,
living in a different-abled body
Sometimes I would like to scratch my head,
I would like to move and I would like to...
Sometimes I would like to be able
to just actively fuck
That would be nice
Not to be passive, but to be active in that part
I wish I had the opportunity
to caress my wife,
and to take her into my arms actively.
But it's the way it is, and I'm OK with that.
But therefore, I'm very very happy
that my penis is very normal,
and sizewise it's good
Altogether,
I think I'm quite an attractive man
I'm different
I'm not beautiful in the mainstream sense,
or in terms of norm.
But I don't give a fuck about norms anyway
Overall,
I think my body, as it is,
is a gift.
And life is a journey to experience that gift
I know it's you
Please understand.
Stop calling.
It's over.
I didn't know you come here
I don't.
I'm looking for someone.
And you?
You come here often?
Yes, sometimes.
It's an interesting place
I'm a searcher
and a hunter
for knowledge and for wisdom
in sexual art
Sex is a big part of my life,
which I like to enjoy
and to celebrate more
And I like to open my mind
and to get a broader horizon.
I look at it a bit also like an art.
Yes, because...
it's not only something you do with your body,
but it's also.
If it's really great, then there is...
I call it
a moment of wonder
And that's something meaningful,
something which stays
I was with my man
trying to make love
And all of a sudden,
I feel there's someone with us in bed.
And I realize it's my mother,
just lying in bed, next to me
There is this physical thing,
there is this cringe in my whole body,
that she shouldn't be there.
So I push her out,
I tell her to leave.
So she gets out of the bed, she stands.
And, worse than that,
I realize she's naked
She stands at the end of the bed,
and she doesn't leave.
She was like a child,
standing there like this, very fragile,
and saying that she doesn't wanna leave,
because she doesn't want to be alone.
And it gets really unbearable.
I insist she leaves,
I tell her that's not her place,
she should leave the room.
So I push my mother outside,
through the hallway I close the door
And guess what?
She appears in the fucking door of the balcony.
Standing there, naked,
very fragile, very vulnerable,
and she really wanted in
She didn't want to be alone.
And this is how I woke up
And this is a dream I will never forget.
It's powerful.
And where's the anger in that?
Well, in your dream you're not angry
because you're.
You want to get rid of her,
but she moves you, because she needs you.
You know when you talked to me about your dream,
you described how fragile she looks,
quite a few times.
As if the fact that she was fragile
meant that you couldn't be angry,
because your aim isn't to hurt her
Your aim is for her just to leave
In dreams,
you can be everybody
You know, when you were talking,
at one point I felt like saying to you,
"Can you say the same thing, and
say 'I' instead of 'her'?"
I think needing someone
makes me weak and vulnerable.
Because.
I don't have the freedom to be myself,
because if I am myself, with all the shit,
and with all my feelings,
and especially
with my anger,
I'm gonna lose that person I need
I understand that.
Loving another without losing yourself is...
Difficult
It's such a damn challenge
I hope that's possible.
I'm looking with this huge curiosity
at other people
How they manage.
How the fuck do they manage?
The hair gets tired
if you keep it out more than.
Maybe you can give some coffee to your hair
There's something like coffee shampoo.
You have curls now.
Yes.
Like that? Or different?
I leave this closed or open?
Open.
- Open like that?
- Open
I like it open.
I've got a knot down there.
You know, closed is maybe more practical,
but this is far more beautiful.
You look so female.
Can you come a bit closer?
And put my arm a bit backwards.
Like that?
I think we have an audience.
It does look like it.
What do you feel now?
When you allow us in your intimacy?
What makes you allow us
in there, in that very special place?
I feel trusted and trusting at the same time,
and I feel I really hope
that I can change people's perspective,
that I can change your perspective,
as an audience
That you have a wider horizon
after you have seen me.
And I invite you to celebrate your body
and enjoy it every day.
I'm here now, also. With you
- Hi.
- Hi, Tomas!
Hi.
I've been very touched
by watching your relationship
It's very emotional to hear that.
I felt like
a connection that was on a very deep level.
Yeah.
And it's.
It's inspiring to see
such a strong connection.
It's..
My whole vision of you has changed so much
since I met you first.
When I saw Grit so strong, carrying you and...
She was this rock. And then.
I saw the whole situation turn around when.
you were the rock and she was
in a situation where she felt weak.
It's beautiful to see this balance
I think it's important
to have balance in your relationship.
Many people don't see that balance with us,
but we are in a good balance, I guess
Otherwise it wouldn't work for such a long time.
Do you think, Grit,
that your way of perceiving the world has changed
since you are together?
Definitely, I feel really held
in Christian's arms,
very much.
And it's a feeling of strength, and a feeling
of trust and warmth.
And I don't feel that I need to show people
I'm strong, or so.
It seems
we have a very natural relationship to each other
It's not that we are,
as a relationship,
it's also not that we are always "happy together"
or in a state of "cloud 11" or so.
We are very grumpy sometimes,
and we clash with each other sometimes
Especially when we are in a stressful situation
But I have the feeling you are very honest
- always, with how you feel.
- Yes.
I think this honesty is very important
because we know that,
even if for one minute we shout at each other,
the next minute we will be good again
You're very clear with some boundaries,
aren't you?
If you can't say no,
you can never really say yes.
Would you like to explore your boundaries
in a ritual in which there's no expectation?
- OK.
- Yes?
Can I put my hand here?
How does that feel?
OK.
- What's going on?
- I got kind of nausea.
From the hand?
I don't know.
Now we go here, just below, between your.
- My plexus.
- Your plexus.
- How does that feel?
- OK
I push a little bit.
I'm gonna come down
to your belly
Is that OK there?
How does that feel?
It's beginning to feel uncomfortable
Somewhere here is a jump.
Somewhere here is a jump between you and me
Can I touch you hungrily?
That's the trigger, I think.
And what do I do with your hunger?
Someone's desire for you,
a man's desire for you is a big trigger.
This is what I'm feeling here,
the second I start to pull you in.
That's gonna be a trigger there.
That's related to your father and all this other stuff
Breath with me.
We're ready?
Pulling you in. Feeling my lust.
Feeling my genitals
Very strong defense
Keep going
When you nod, I'm gonna do it again, ready?
Powerful and potent.
Stay with it.
Stay with me
Show me your eyes
All emotion welcome here
What happened?
It's OK.
It's OK.
There's a lot of things
that happened the last days for me.
Internal changes and.
There's something very important that I realized.
Which came to me like an epiphany
It is, when Christian was talking about my wall,
which is something I'm conscious of,
And I've been trying to work on for a very long time.
And to me, this wall was always a wall
to protect me from something outside,
not coming into me.
And suddenly, yesterday, it came to me in a flash,
that this wall was absolutely not to protect
anything from outside coming in
It was absolutely the opposite.
I'm protecting something from the inside
which can come out.
This filter on what emotion I'm ready to let out
makes me so unfree.
Stay there
Everything is good
Good girl
Why did you come?
I'm curious.
I'm curious to know
why you are following me.
I'd like you to look at me.
OK.
I'm looking at you now.
I'd like you. to look at me naked.
Can you watch me?
You can do it.
OK.
It's OK.
It's OK.
I'm watching you now
I'm watching your body now.
Can you sing me a lullaby?
A lullaby.
I'm not quite sure I can remember a lullaby.
There was this song I used to like when I was young
It kind of went.
I used to have this girlfriend known as Elsie
She used to have this little room in Chelsea.
She wasn't what you'd call a blushing flower.
As a matter of fact, she rented by the hour.
The day she died, the neighbours came to snicker.
That's what comes
with too many beers and liquor.
But when I saw her laid out like a queen,
she was the happiest corpse I'd ever seen.
It's one of the best lullabies I've ever heard
You want me to sing you a lullaby?
In Icelandic.
What's it about?
It's like..
Sleep, my little baby.
Rain is crying outside
Mommy is keeping your little toys.
You shouldn't be awake
in the dark night.
I used to feel very calm
when my mom sang this to me
I was so sure I knew everything
about intimacy,
about trust,
desire,
safety
As time passed by,
with real life, with real people,
all my so clear - once - views on things
got gradually destabilized.
After 20 years of being away from home,
of thinking I'm a free, grown-up woman,
I understood the umbilical cord between us
hasn't actually been cut
Not yet.
You're still running through my veins
As a dear friend put it:
Tell me how you were loved,
to tell you how you love.
Tell me
how you loved me,
so I can understand how I love,
how to love
When I started to ask you
about all these memories,
do you remember how difficult it was,
for both of us?
I came to understand how this love-myth
hides so many conflicting emotions,
how layers of anger,
guilt,
violence
make it so difficult to reach that "love".
And how today, I carry with me,
in my intimate life,
the fear of losing the one I love,
the distrust,
the anger,
the never fulfilled longing.
Is there also a conflict
between your image of me
and who I really am?
And am I maybe still
too afraid to ruin this image,
for fear I lose you?
Is this maybe why we never talked about this film?
Mela-mela, melancholy
Melancholy, my dear
Mela-mela, melancholy
Floats over the new city and over the country
Over the control centers
Over the concrete stubble fields
Over the secret bunkers
Which are impossible to remove
Marlene, go home!
Over the Marlene-Dietrich-Platz, too
The new temples are already cracked,
Future ruins
One day, grass will grow over this city too,
Over its last layer
Mela-mela, melancholy
Melancholy, my dear
Mela-mela, melancholy
Floats over the new city and over the country
In the sky slashed to pieces
By the rehearsing jets flying across.
She hangs with widespread wings
Sleepless,
Her frozen gaze
Turned towards the rubble
Behind her, the future is piling up
Slowly, she flies higher and higher,
Finally overseeing the whole country
What's the state of the country?
What's the state of the country?