Tracy Morgan: Takin' It Too Far (2023) Movie Script

- I remember when I first
started doing stand-up comedy
on the Uptown Comedy Club
in Harlem.
Four months later, I was on TV
with my boy Martin Lawrence
doing the Def Jam on HBO,
"Word is Bond."
That led me to
"Saturday Night Live,"
where I met Lorne Michaels.
I was instantly famous,
and I ain't even know
how to handle it.
I would dance at tabletops
at the best nightclubs
like a ghetto superstar.
I would drink champagne
from a strange chick's shoe.
I once shitted in my boy's
limousine for no reason.
I was wild.
That was then.
Now I'm a father of four,
a celebrity,
a man that was married
for over 20 years,
gave out food to the people in
the projects where I grew up.
Since I almost got killed
by that truck, I'm a new man.
Fuck that!
I'm the same old Tray-Bags,
and I'm taking it too far.
He is the last OG.
Put your hands together
for Tracy Morgan!

- Welcome back.
Your dreams were
your ticket out
Welcome back
To that same old place
that you laughed about
- Oh!
Y'all don't even know.
I needed that, man.
I was neglected as a child.
And I did your real talk, man.
2022, man, a lot of shit
went down
between the audience members
and comedians, man.
You all saw it--
Will Smith, Chris Rock,
Dave Chappelle,
Craig Robinson, North Carolina.
Y'all saw it.
Now, you know what?
I know why all that shit
went down.
Because there's a lack of love.
And I'm just here to tell
all of y'all, I love you.
But this is 2023 now.
If one of you motherfuckers
decide to come up here,
I'ma beat the shit out of you.
Then I'm gonna cut you
to the fucking white meat.
Is that clear?
Is that clear?
You can go now.
Just don't go far.
God damn it.
Let me tell you something.
If Will Smith were to smack me,
ain't no fucking award show
You want to get your trophy,
Will Smith?
You gotta come to me.
Pull up.
I'm in Brooklyn, murder avenue.
I'm outside.
Because you know
if you're a man
and you let another man
smack you,
you know what's next.
He gonna ask you
to suck his dick.
Point blank.
You know that smacking shit
is a gateway to sucking dick.
Come on, man.
That was a smack heard
around the world.
Everybody's talking
about the smack.
Even motherfuckers
fighting the Ukraine War
was talking about the smack.
I blame Jada.
Come on, man.
Everybody know he wanted
to smack Chris Rock for years.
He'd been one of those--
everybody in Hollywood know
that shit.
I remember I was
having tax problems.
I called Will up, and I said,
"Yo, Will,
"I'm having problems
with my money.
Could you help me out?"
He said, "Yes, this is
what you do, Tracy.
"First you get an LLC.
"Then you get an S Corp
to cover your LLC.
"That's gonna bring
your private trust.
"Most importantly of all,
you smack the shit
out of Chris Rock."
He smacked Chris Rock
so fucking hard,
Chris Rock had to start
dating white women.
White woman
ain't gonna bring it up.
She ain't gonna say shit.
But the first argument
with a Black woman,
she gonna be like, "Ah,
you Mr. Fucking Tough Guy now?"
"You gonna talk that shit to
"but you ain't said shit
"when Fresh Prince
of fucking Bel-Air
"smacked the shit
out your ass, nigga.
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?
"Where was Mr. Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars, huh?
Where was Mr. Fucking Tough Guy
at the fucking Oscars?"
"Shut the fuck up
'fore I kick your ass."
"You gonna kick my ass?
You're gonna ball
your fucking fist up at me?"
I'm serious, man.
When I got hit
by that fucking truck,
I was all fucked up.
I was all fucked,
cause I had to learn
how to walk again, talk again,
eat again, and everything.
And I realized that,
if I could survive that,
I could survive anything.
Boy, was I fucking wrong!
Because after that,
I got hit by a pandemic,
divorce papers,
and child support.
And all three of them shits
is worse.
I pay a good penny
in child support.
I pay a good--
I pay a good penny
in child support.
Kanye West paid
$200,000 a month.
If I got to give a woman
$200,000 a month,
you givin' me more kids, nigga.
Because I don't pull out.
Pulling out is
for college kids.
And I ain't got shit to lose.
I'm not pulling out, man.
That's what you get,
because me and Kanye West,
our marriages
didn't survive COVID.
You know, that's what you get
when you fuck
with them Kardashians.
Them bitches is
a group of demons, man.
You see Lamar Odom, right?
He almost went.
Kanye West is going.
Bruce Jenner is gone.
That nigga paid $2 million
for that fucking operation,
and he's still just the fifth
biggest bitch in the house.
Now, I'm not cutting
my fucking dick off
for nobody, not even you, Jim.
If my dick is this big,
it's mine.
And by the way, fellas,
if your dick is this big,
you should register
as a disability.
You should be getting SSI,
You and your fucking
Come on, man.
And I ain't believe
in that fucking COVID shit.
My new girl, she took
that social distancing shit
too far.
This chick left my crib,
and I ain't seen her since.
I call her and said,
"Baby, what you doing?
You quarantining?"
She said, "Call it what
the fuck you want to call it.
I ain't never coming
back to you, nigga."
'Cause I ain't believe
in that COVID shit.
I ain't believe it
until Idris Elba,
the Black actor Idris Elba,
got it.
I said, "Shit, that
hit the fucking fan."
My aunt says,
"I'd still suck his COVID dick.
I'd suck that COVID dick."
She just kept saying it
like she was proud of it.
"I'd suck that COVID dick."
I said,
"Shut the fuck up, Lorraine.
You see these fucking kids
sitting right here?"
She said, "So?
They know
I'd suck infected dick."
Nasty bitch.
My fucking cousin was paranoid.
That nigga was
paranoid of COVID.
He had his gloves.
He had his mask.
He got the shield
for extra protection.
Then he started fucking
with this chick,
and she gave him gonorrhea
because he ain't put
the condom on.
He has a pre-existing
medical condition.
Know what it is?
He's a stupid motherfucker.
Protect every part
of your body but your cock.
Stupid motherfucker.
Walmart took care of me.
I ain't gonna front.
Walmart gave me a grip.
They gave me--
they gave me so much money,
I could roll my eyes
at white people.
I mean, I made
them motherfuckers change
their whole fleet of trucks.
They side view mirror now says,
"Nigga may appear closer
than it seems."
They think they done
paying me, but we'll see.
I'll start acting fucked up
in four years.
They're gonna hear
from my attorney.
Tracy tried to fuck
his Doberman Pinscher,
and we won $5 million.
The dog won $2 million
for pain and suffering.
I don't give a fuck, man.
But you all got problems.
Everybody in this room
got trauma.
Everybody in this fucking room
got trauma.
Something happened
to everybody in this room.
Everybody in this fucking room,
I don't care how cool you look,
you got trauma in your life.
You went to camp
when you was little?
Did you go to camp?
You went to camp?
You got finger popped?
Now every time you see
a tree, you get triggered?
We all got fucking baggage.
Everybody in this fucking room
got baggage.
Mine's just happened
to be Louis Vuitton.
Speaking of Louis Vuitton,
see, I can't--
it's hard for me
to date women now
because they all know
I got money.
Everybody know I got hit
by the truck.
Everybody know that.
I thank the Lord it was Walmart
and not Walgreens.
I had one chick go
and text me in CashApp
talking about--
she just said, $3,000, help.
Now, I'm a generous man.
You can't just fucking
call me, ask for money.
You must have a good story.
I had one fucking chick
called me up and said,
"Listen, my son Craigo
"just shot a cop
in Paterson, New Jersey.
He's on the run.
He's coming straight to you."
I gave her $4,000 immediately.
It was a great story.
She had a great story to it.
I mean, one time,
my fucking business manager
gonna call me and say,
"Tracy, did you just give
a random woman $4,000?"
I texted him back
the emoji like this.
I don't care, man.
I've been
fucking divorced twice.
My business manager said,
"If you get married
three more times,
the fifth divorce is free."
So we working that out.
It's just hard on the streets.
It's hard to be sexy
in your 50s.
It's hard!
If you're in your 50s,
you know it's hard
because shit starts to change.
You develop that fucking gut.
She's gonna develop that FUPA.
She's gonna get that fat
over pussy, that girth,
that grandmother girth.
She gotta sit
with her legs open
because she got that girth.
I mean, she an old woman now.
She got that fucking girth.
She gotta sit like this.
Pregnant women, you know,
they get up.
When they get up,
they put their pussy first.
They go...
Get that girth.
It's hard.
I'm out there.
I know.
And if you don't believe
how hard it is
to be sexy in your 50s,
ask Bobby Brown,
because Bobby Brown was--
he one of the sexiest
in the world one time, right?
Bobby starts singing.
White women, Black women,
Latin women, they love Bobby.
The truth about a Roni
She's a sweet little girl
You could treat
her right, real nice
And hold her tight
Women went crazy.
Now that nigga look fucked up.
He from out here.
He look busted.
That nigga look
like Buster Douglas.
That nigga look
like Reverend TD Jakes
in the group.
That nigga look fucked up.
I mean, New Edition was doing
they shit at the concert.
That nigga Bobby look
fucked up.
He was struggling.
That nigga's stomach
was all big.
Nigga was breathing heavy,
out of shape.
Nigga's clothes didn't fit.
This nigga thought
he was young Bobby
on the stage talking about--
They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
That's my prerogative
They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
Know what?
This one was doing their shit!
This nigga Bobby
was all out of shape,
all fucked up,
breathing heavy,
leaning on a drum set.
They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
They were fucked up.
Y'all women hear that shit?
That's an aphrodisiac,
like oysters.
Nigga was fucked up.
I ain't never seen
a belly button
that fucking deep.
This nigga belly button
was deep.
You could get discharge
on your arm
fucking this nigga
in the stomach.
You find all kind of shit
in this belly button--
dice, change,
old pictures of Whitney.
This nigga belly button
was fucking deep.
Fuck that.
I love discharge.
I like when that shit
drop in your panties.
I put that shit on my salad.
It look just like Parmesan.
Al Green was
at the concert, y'all.
Al Green showed up.
That nigga Al Green
was sexy back in the day.
Love and happiness
Something that can make you
do wrong, make you do right
That nigga was singing,
but he had hernia balls.
Hey had my grandfather balls.
How the fuck your scrotum
get that big?
The balls was little,
but the scrotum was huge.
The fuck?
My grandfather balls.
I never want
my grandfather balls.
I don't want that shit.
I want my shit.
That's why I soak my balls
in olive oil every night.
Get that inflammation
out of there.
Gotta get that inflammation
out of there, goddammit!
Yeah, from my grandmother,
she talked
about my grandfather balls
all the time.
"Your grandfather had
some big-ass balls."
"Grandma, I don't wanna talk
about grandpa balls.
Oh, fuck."
"I thought you said you wanted
to know your family tree,
where you come from."
"Yes, I wanna know
where I come from."
"You come from your
grandfather's big-ass balls."
I don't wanna do that shit.
I want my balls to look right,
tight like I'm 16.
I mean, I got
a pretty dick, too.
You know, a pretty dick.
The shaft is skinny,
but the head is bulbous.
Big, bulbous dick head.
I got some mean dick.
The mouth of my dick
look like this.
Mean dick, hit you with
the mean dick, goddamn it.
You want some mean dick?
I don't fuck around.
I don't fucking pull out,
goddamn it.
I told y'all that.
My grandfather teabagged
my grandmother one time
and put her in a fucking coma
for six months.
She came out the coma.
He went up to the hospital
and teabagged her again,
put her
in another fucking coma.
The doctor said,
"Down goes Frazier."
Hey, I'm from Brooklyn.
I'm from Brooklyn,
but it ain't where you from,
it's where you're at.
I'm out here and bossin'
with y'all.
I love y'all, man.
I'm from Brooklyn, man.
Brooklyn in the house.
You could go to Russia.
They know about Brooklyn,
Motherfuckers from Brooklyn.
Brooklyn is changing.
Brooklyn is
becoming gentrified.
Brooklyn is becoming ge--
if you in this room,
and you don't know
what gentrification is,
gentrification is
when white people
move into your neighborhood,
the property value
goes through the roof,
and niggas gotta move out.
I'm sorry, that's just
the way the fuck it is.
But since I got hit
by that truck,
I'm doing something
I never did before.
I'm moving
into your fucking neighborhood.
And the property values
are gonna plummet.
Rock fucking bottom.
And I'm getting all
y'all daughters pregnant.
Gonna be a lot
of mulatto kids running around
this fucking neighborhood.
And I'm a good daddy.
I'll come back
every ten years and say,
"I'm your fucking daddy, nigga.
Your mama upstairs?"
I'm in my neighborhood.
My fucking white neighbors
are heated.
Why the nigga moving
next door to me,
bringing my property value
One of them gonna knock
on my door the other day,
talking about,
"So what do you do?"
I said, "About what?"
I know the nigga
ain't know who I was.
So I said, "You know the straws
you drink
your Coca-Cola with
at McDonald's?"
He said, "Yeah."
I said, "I make those."
He said, "Great,
I make the lids.
We should hook up."
I said, "Fuck you.
Tray don't hang out
with lid makers."
I'm serious, man.
My fucking-- I don't--
as we speak right now,
I don't got a GED.
But you know what I just
found out
I live right next door to?
I live right next door
to the CEO of Pepsi.
The CEO of Pepsi,
she's an Asian woman.
And she came over to my house
with a housewarming gift.
And I was thrown
'cause one
of the most kindest things
anyone has ever done for me.
And I told her,
"First off, I love you.
"I wish to be
a good neighbor to you.
"I won't start no trouble.
"And if you ever need
to borrow a cup of sugar,
"and your husband
is not home...
"please don't hesitate
to knock on my door,
because you can get some sugar
and some mean dick."
And then I told her,
"It would be an honor
for me to one day get hit
by one of your trucks."
Fuck that, Walmart.
Pepsi, nigga, I'm paid.
Walmart and Pepsi?
I'm paid.
Paid in full.
Or to the beat,
beat, check it out.
I come
from a great, great family,
but they were
a little dysfunctional.
My family was crazy.
My fucking Aunt Lorraine--
like I told you,
it was hard to date
in your 50s.
My Aunt Lorraine,
she's 54 years old,
can't get a man,
can't keep a man.
So she's gonna start watching
that "Life After Lockup" shit.
She start watching her "Life"--
so now she only fucked
with men in prison.
I said, "What the fuck is
wrong with you, Lorraine?
"All these free men out here.
Why don't you date
one of them?"
She gonna tell me, "At least
I know where mine is at."
"Lights out at 9:00 for mine.
He might be cheating,
but it ain't with no woman."
Fucked up family.
Then there's my Uncle Clyde.
This motherfucker been
in prison for 38 years.
Who the fuck does that?
38 years?
Come on, 38 years.
And he wrote me a letter,
and I received it
when I was in the hospital.
And it said, "Dear Tracy,
you're a prince.
"My brother Jimmy did
a great job with you.
"I'm glad you're healing
and you're getting well.
"And when I find out
which truck driver hit you,
I will kill him."
Now we know why you're doing
38 years, you son of a bitch.
"P.S., I'm graduating
high school.
Come see me."
You did 38 years in prison
and you're just getting
your GED?
Come on.
So I draw up to see the nigga.
I'm gonna make
a connection with him.
I don't know him.
38 years in prison.
I don't know
who the fuck you are.
You ain't been
a part of my life.
So let me go up there
and see this nigga.
So I drove over to the prison,
Elmira State Penitentiary.
I went up there
to see the nigga.
I get up there, and the prison
system got these niggas
so programmed and fucked up,
they got them actually thinking
they gonna get their diploma
and go off to college.
That's not gonna happen.
You gonna get
this fucking piece of paper,
and you gonna take
yours back to your cell.
It's fucked up.
It got weirder and weirder
as I was getting--
you know you graduate
high school.
You got your cap
and gown on, right?
But underneath, these niggas
got the state-issued greens.
And you graduate.
You throw your cap up
in the air.
Yeah, I graduated!
One nigga got stabbed to death.
It's fucked up.
They got these niggas.
They murderers.
They kidnappers.
They rapists.
They fucking extortion--
all these motherfuckers
on a stage singing
a graduation song, crying.
These fucking killers
is crying.
They up there,
How do I
Say goodbye
To what we had?
I said, "Let me get
the fuck out of here,
"'cause one of these murderers
is off key,
and he's fucking up the song."
I feel like I'm on my living
room with my family, y'all.
- Word up, being funny.
We got '80s babies in here?
We got anybody born
in the '80s in here?
Make some noise!
You was born in the '80s.
The '80s.
If you was born in the '80s,
you are a fucking crack baby.
You fucking crack babies.
You know you're a crack baby.
Look in the mirror, say,
"I'm a crack baby."
Fucking crack baby.
Everybody in this room got
a crackhead in they family.
I don't give a fuck
what color you are,
what class you are, or nothing.
You got a crackhead
in your family.
What happened to
your ColecoVision?
You know exactly what happened
to that microwave.
You know crackheads
steal shit,
anything that ain't nailed
I had a crackhead in my family.
His name was DeAndre.
You know you're a crackhead
when it's an announcement
you come to the house.
My aunt was like, "Everybody,
DeAndre's in the driveway."
My other aunt said,
"Let me get my purse.
"He ain't gonna get me again.
He ain't gonna get me again.
"He got me
for 40 fucking dollars.
He ain't gonna get me again."
My other aunt was like,
"Give him a second chance."
"Bitch, I gave him
five second chances.
He stole my son's
Tyco Nite Glow racetrack."
My other aunt was,
"He ain't gonna change."
You ain't got that aunt that
say, "He ain't gonna change."
"He ain't gonna change.
He ain't gonna change!
He ain't gonna change."
She made a song of that shit.
He ain't gonna change
He ain't gonna change
He ain't gonna change
I said bitch, please.
- Trace, tell 'em
about your gay boy.
- Nigga, shut the fuck up!
Fucking tell me what
to say up here, nigga.
Shut the fuck up.
Be happy you
in the front, nigga.
Yell out
at a fucking taping, nigga.
Nigga waiting for that moment.
"Yo, Tray, tell them about"--
Shut the fuck up.
Stop looking at my shit.
This is something new.
You know, white America is
losing they fucking mind again.
Y'all losing your mind 'cause
the Little Mermaid is Black.
You saw the fucking commercial.
The Little Mermaid is a nigga.
The Little Mermaid is Black.
It's racist to think that
we can't do what you do.
It ain't like she's gonna jump
in the water to save nobody.
She just got her hair done.
And she is not
fucking up her perm.
What she will be doing
is sitting on the rock,
arguing with Aquaman
over child support.
You need to come see
your fucking daughters,
Aquaman, Mr. Fucking Aquaman.
You swimming around with sharks
and dolphins and shit.
You need to come see
your fucking daughter, Aquaman.
Batman been wanting
my fucking phone number.
I know I shoulda gave
this pussy to Shazam.
Cinderella's next.
Cinderella gonna be wearing
box braids.
Some nigga name Leon gonna
pick her up in the Cadillac
and take her up
to the rib shack.
White people call
her Cinderella.
We call her Peaches.
I'm just glad
the holidays are over.
I get stressed out
with the fucking holidays.
Fucking--Chris-- I don't
celebrate Christmas.
Santa Claus real name is Kurt.
He's a registered sex offender
out of Salt Lake City, Utah.
Fucking pervert.
That's why he hang out
in malls with kids on his lap.
His wife's name is Yvette.
She sucked my dick in Queens.
She used to be a stripper.
Fuck that bitch, man.
Fucking Rudolph
the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
Everybody here know
why his fucking nose was red.
That's that cocaine.
Straight from fucking Bolivia,
ain't even been stepped on.
Rudolph the Red-Nosed Reindeer.
That's why they won't let him
play the little reindeer games:
because he gonna fucking hurt
somebody out there.
He's coked out
his fucking mind.
He gonna hurt
somebody out there.
Certain holidays
should be outlawed.
Certain ho--like Halloween.
Just recently,
it was in YouTube.
It was all over Instagram.
A six-year-old child
shot a teacher.
A six-year-old child
shot a teacher.
What fucking kind of world
are we living in?
And you want
these motherfuckers
to trick or treat
at your house?
This past October,
one came and trick or treated
at my house.
He ain't even say,
trick or treat.
He's supposed to be a ghost,
but his sheet was black.
I said, "Who the fuck is you?"
He said, "I'm a ghost."
I said, "Why your sheet
is black?"
He said, "I'm keeping it real."
This nigga ain't even say
"trick or treat."
He just show me the gun.
"The bag, nigga."
"Put the candy
in the bag, nigga,
before I blow your fucking..."
You can't do that shit.
I gotta let my ladies know
that I'm dating again.
I'm dating again.
I'm dating again, man.
My divorce was finalized.
I don't know what y'all females
gonna do
with all this dick back
out on the market.
I'm dating again.
I'm on Tinder.
My Tinder profile
is a Walmart truck
dropping off a bag of money
on my front lawn.
That's the profile.
I'm a grown man now.
I know what I want in a woman.
I see all the beautiful lady--
I know what I want in a woman.
My woman has to have
low integrity.
Low integrity.
I once dated a woman
with integrity,
and she was nothing
but fucking trouble.
Always had
to fucking answer to shit.
She got to have
the low self-esteem.
My lady need low self-esteem.
Her shit gotta be down.
She gotta have
serious daddy issues.
She's gotta have
a strong fucking neck...
good knees.
She need good knees.
And she gonna be down there,
so she need them good knees.
Strong knees,
you know what I mean?
Good fucking knees.
Take a long time
for me to come.
You're gonna be down there
for a minute.
Pack your lunch
and all of that.
You're gonna suck this dick.
Your jawbone gonna swell up.
I'm just tired of women
telling me
about all
of their accomplishments.
"I have an associate's.
I have a bachelor."
I be like,
"Bitch, are we fucking?
"I ain't getting in bed
with you to get no knowledge.
Trying to get this dick sucked,
and I got a pretty dick."
I mean, I appreciate it.
There are women in the world
that broke the glass ceiling.
They want equal pay.
They want equal rights.
They want equal respect.
And I applaud you.
I applaud you.
But that's not
the chick I want.
I'm looking for that
gold-digging bitch in the club.
She missin' an eyelash,
a fucking broken wing,
missing a stiletto.
She got dry vomit
on her halter top.
That's the bitch
I'm trying to get into the car.
Come on, baby, I got you.
Let's go.
Come on, now.
Come on.
I got you.
I got that.
That's the bitch.
If you're looking
for a Birkin life
with no self-respect,
I'm your one-stop shop.
That's me.
I see a lot of couples in here.
I see a lot of couples here.
Y'all look beautiful.
Stay that way, you know?
Stay that way, you know I mean?
My Black girls, my Latin girls,
my Asian girls,
my white girls.
Freaks all over the world
I love my freaks, man.
Y'all look good together.
It's couples, man.
I remember--
I remember
having my first girlfriend.
I was about 18, 19 years old.
My first girlfriend,
she was the little cutie,
little red bone,
had deep, fucking dimples,
had long black hair.
She had green eyes.
She had green fucking eyes.
Only thing fucked up with Dawn
was that she had a wooden arm.
Her hand looked
like she was holding a cart.
Boy, that was
my fucking baby girl.
I remember one time
I was caressing her shoulders,
and I got a splinter.
A fucking wooden arm.
Her mom's go to work at night.
Me and her jump
right in the shower.
We get out of the shower.
I put lotion
all over my body for her.
I was being sexy, put lotion--
this bitch was over there
spraying Pledge.
Went through two cans
spraying that Pledge.
That was my baby girl.
We used to go out to party.
We used to party hearty.
DJ be like,
"Throw your hands in the air.:
This bitch be like, "Hey."
"Wave it like you
just don't care."
You know when Black girls
get to weaving they hair,
they get the weave pat, right?
This bitch almost
knocked herself out
with that weave pat.
We had a bad breakup.
I took my wooden arm back
and made a coffee table.
I see a lot of couples in here.
Y'all look good.
Hey, everybody got
their preference.
Everybody got they preference.
I see all y'all.
Everybody got
their preference, you know?
I got my own.
I love Dominican women.
I love--
Ooh, see, they all around.
The DR right here.
That's DR.
You from Sosua?
That's DR. I love DR.
It's something
about a Dominican woman
when they go, "Ay, papi."
"Ay, papi."
That get my dick
so fucking hard.
She like, "Ay, papi."
I'm remember one time,
I was having dinner
with this Dominican woman,
and she ain't appreciate
the fact that she was having
dinner with Tracy Morgan.
She's gonna say to me,
I need $1,080 to pay my rent."
I said, "That's where you
fucked up from the gate.
"You fucking the wrong nigga.
You should be fucking
your landlord."
She said, "Ay, papi."
I said, "Let me pay
this bitch rent.
"Fucking around with this shit.
Goddamn it.
What you need, two months?"
One time, I met
this fucking Dominican woman.
Just got off the boat,
ain't speak
no fucking English, not a drop.
So in my mind, I said, "Ooh,
"I could talk nasty
to this chick
"and she won't even understand.
So I said to her, "I'ma eat
your pussy till I burp."
She said, "S, s, s, s."
I said,
"Then I'ma make you suck
this big bulbous dickhead."
She said, "S, s, s, s."
I said, "Then I'ma fuck
the shit out of you."
She said, "S, s, s."
And then she said,
"Then you gonna give me
$1,080 to pay my rent."
I go "Oh, shit!
She know how to talk
English quick."
She said, "S, s, s, s."
I love Dominicans, man.
I spend more money
on Dominicans
than the Yankees spend
on their farm team.
I love them from DR.
I'm divorced now, so I'm free.
I got two women in my life
that I'm dealing with,
one Black and one Dominican.
My Latin lover,
she calls me her mi amor.
She says, you are my mi amor.
My Black woman goes,
"This nigga!"
I'm telling you,
I had to let one--one time,
I had to let
a Dominican woman go.
She reprogrammed
my fucking remote control
to all Spanish.
I don't want to look at
How the fuck I'ma know who shot
Trayvon seven times
in front
of the 7-Eleven in Memphis?
Fucking wanna read.
That's why I dropped
out of high school.
I ain't feel like reading.
I'm telling you,
man, Dominican women.
I love a Domi--
but no more young girls.
- Papi!
- No more young girls.
No more--there's
a young Black--
they wiling out back there.
Fucking young girls.
Young girls, they
want too much for $2.
Come on, man.
Young girls is aggressive,
and they know
what the fuck they want.
I have one say,
"I'm not fucking around, okay?
"I want my eggs cracked,
meaning I want a child.
"I want my name dropped,
meaning I want to be married.
"I'm not fucking
with you, okay?
"I'm not your bed maiden.
"I'm not your maid.
"I'm not your floozy.
"I'm not your other bitch.
"I'm gonna need something
"a little bit more substantial
from you.
"Now, I know I'm not all there.
"Sometimes I wig out.
But I know one thing:
I am good to you."
And then I told her,
"I just want a Big Mac,
small fries, and a Coke.
"I don't know you.
I don't know your life.
"I just would like a Big Mac,
small fries, and a Coke.
"Please put napkins in the bag
"and give me
six extra barbecue sauces
because my daughter just
ordered some chicken nuggets."
"That's all I want."
No more fucking young girls.
Young girls is crazy.
They either wanna go to
the club and dance all night,
or they wanna go home and fuck.
Now, I'm 54 years old.
I ain't got the energy
for that shit.
It's either one or the other.
You want to go to the club
and dance all night?
You get two songs, and one
of them better be slow.
You want to go home and fuck,
you get six strokes
and a bullshit excuse.
You know I got shit
to do the morning.
Craig and them bringing
that truck down,
and, we got to move all
that furniture off the block.
I don't fuck
with no more young girls.
I don't even go to strip clubs
no fucking more.
I'll be in the strip club
pushing females
off my fucking lap.
The fuck off my lap!
You know my sciatica
is acting up.
I told you last night
it was gonna flare up.
God dammit,
don't fucking play with me.
But I must say some of y'all
look good in them fucking--
them jogging pants, them yoga--
them fucking tight and--
some of y'all look good.
Some of y'all good
in them yoga pants.
I'ma tell you, man,
with the hips
and the thighs and the ass
and fucking camel toe.
I don't want a camel toe.
I want an elephant foot.
I want a wildebeest hoof.
I want an alligator paw.
I had one girl,
her feet was bad.
You gotta have
pretty feet for me.
As a woman, your feet
gotta be impeccable.
You can't come in and take
your shoes off in my house,
and your fucking feet look
like fucking monkey hands.
I don't want that.
Chimpanzee hands.
And if your feet is pretty,
I'm gonna fuck the shit out
of you doggy style.
I'ma give you the baboon ass.
That shit go
into that big pink baboon ass.
I'm changing over a new leaf.
I'm changing over
a new leaf now, man.
No more young girls.
I only wanna fuck
with old broads,
75, 80.
Old broads.
She takes her teeth out
before she suck your dick.
That's what I want.
I love an old fucking broad.
Ooh, old broads.
Oh my god, she smoked
Pall Mall cigarettes,
no filter.
Old school.
She got an old broad name
like Blanche or Beatrice.
Old broad.
She got that fucking
Louis Armstrong cough.
Her voice, she talk like...
"How you doing, Tracy?
"I love you, baby.
"Let me get
my cigarettes, please.
I love you, baby."
She got that old woman voice.
"I love you,
I say some funny shit,
she started laughing.
I see trees of green
Red roses too
Sky's got a bloom
for me and you
And I think to myself,
what a wonderful world
Old fucking broad,
that's my shit.
She got
them fucking varicose veins
everywhere, blue veins.
I love white titties
and blue veins.
I love white titties 'cause
they look like lunch meat.
Got fucking varicose veins
even the back of her legs.
I was fucking
this old broad one time.
The back of her legs looked
like a map of the 1700s.
I love that shit.
I love a old broad.
I fucked this--I told
my brother the other day,
I fucked this old broad so hard
one time, I put her to sleep.
My brother said,
"Nigga, she was asleep
"before y'all started.
She was just taking
a nap, nigga."
I love a old broad.
She suffers from emphysema,
pushing that fucking oxygen
tank around all fucking day.
She wear one of these shits
right here.
Love a old fucking broad.
Old broad got big clits.
You ever seen
an old broad clit?
It looked like little
ding-a-ling down there.
Her clit look like steak.
That's that gravity pulling on.
Used to be innie,
now it's an outie.
Big clit.
Big clit.
The gravity pulling
it down on it.
Just like dick.
When you was in high school,
that dick get hard.
Remember when your dick
used to get hard?
You faint off the rope in gym
because your dick get hard.
But then you get in your 50s,
your shit get flaccid.
It still get thick,
but it don't get hard.
It just be flaccid.
And old broads, they freaks.
Wheaty beaty bing-bong freaks.
They love the 69.
Old broads sit on your face.
And she put that big clit
down your throat,
you gonna be gagging.
Every time you gag,
your butthole close.
Your mascara run.
Your eyes get watery.
You take that clit
out your mouth.
You got that long spit
chained connected to it.
She at the other end, sucking
on your big flaccid dick.
Look like she got a mouth
full of Laffy Taffy.
Mouth full of bubblegum.
I fucked an old broad
so hard one time,
her Apple Watch
detected a car crash.
Old broads got big pussy lips,
big pussy lips.
Old broad got them
big pussy lips.
She got
them old broad pussy lips.
Her pussy lips look
like the sleeve of a wizard.
Look like Merlin's sleeve.
You gag.
What is this sorcery?
There's something magical
happening here.
Old broads got
deep pussy queefs.
Some of y'all know.
Y'all know what a queef is.
Y'all heard it.
We love that queef.
We like, yeah, talk
to me, goddamn it.
That old broad sit on
your big, flaccid dick.
All you gonna hear is--
She too old to bounce on it,
so she gonna rock on it.
Sound like a Saint Bernard
sleeping by the fireplace.
Long, deep queef.
A old broad can multitask.
Old broads can multitask.
She be riding that dick.
Ooh, I got a brisket
in the oven.
She baste that brisket,
then sit back
on that flaccid dick.
Remind me to turn that off
in 20 minutes.
I fucked a old broad wearing
a Life Alert one time.
"What is your emergency?
This is Life Alert."
"Yeah, I just sat
on a big black flaccid dick,
and I can't get up."
You sick son of a bitches.
I know what my calling is.
I know what I'm supposed
to be doing on this Earth.
I know why he spared my life
in that accident
because I'm supposed
to be here making y'all laugh.
Let's share a laugh.
Let's share a laugh.
Before we leave
this motherfucker, let's laugh.
Who the fuck wanna live in
a world without Tracy Morgan?
Who wanna do that?
Could you imagine me
doing anything else?
- No.
- Could you imagine me working
in an emergency room
in a hospital?
- Hell, no!
- Doctor be like, "Tracy,
we have to get this patient
into emergency stat."
"Man, don't fucking yell at me.
"I don't give a fuck
about that doctor shit.
"Don't be fucking
yelling at me, man.
"I got 15 more minutes
on my lunch break.
"That nigga broke both his
legs. Where the fuck he going?
"Fucking yell at me.
That's that bullshit.
It's the same reason
why I left Foot Locker."
This is not my first job.
I used to work at McDonald's
just like y'all.
Young nigga trying
to earn money.
Worked right at McDonald's.
Let me tell you something,
my manager was pussy.
I had that nigga
under pressure, Brooklyn style.
I had him under pressure.
I was filling out
the application.
"Tracy, do you wanna
drop fries,
"do you wanna make
Big Macs,
or do you wanna take out
I said, "Nigga, I need to be
on the cash register.
How the fuck else
I'ma get paid?"
Yo, my cash register came up
short $76 every fucking day.
He gonna say,
"Tracy, you're short again."
I said, "Are you trying
to say I'm stealing, nigga?
Huh, huh, huh, huh?"
Said "No, but you're making
the same mistake every day."
Just like Red Lobster.
Fuck Red Lobster.
Try to get me to sing
"Happy Birthday"
to niggas I don't know.
I don't even know these niggas.
I ain't signing no fucking
"Happy Birthday"
to these niggas, man.
I ain't no singer.
You want to singer, hire one
of the Temptations, nigga.
I must sing?
I must sing?
My sing--I must sing?
They say I'm crazy
I really don't care
Happy birthday, motherfucker.
Tell y'all something, man.
If y'all niggas see me
dancing in my drawers
in my kitchen on TikTok, all
that Walmart money is gone.
I tricked all of that shit up.
Y'all remember--y'all remember
when Dave my man--
my main man Dave Chappelle
got attacked
while he was performing
on stage?
And everybody said
that dude went crazy.
Yeah, I get it.
I went crazy, too.
I just did 12 minutes
on fucking an elderly woman.
And I wrote that shit
when I was quarantining.
Yo, listen, COVID did
a number on all of us.
Thank the Lord we outside now.
Niggas ain't got no mask on.
We doing it.
To me, shit is normal again.
You can eat pussy
without getting sick.
Left that nigga
in the house for three years
looking at Instagram,
looking at Instagram.
Everything on Instagram
is a fucking lie.
If you were here right now,
you're looking at Instagram
and you fucking glued
to that shit,
you're watching a lie.
That shit is a lie.
DJ Khalid is not
that fucking happy.
That nigga just as miserable
as all of us.
He's not.
Everybody on Instagram
act like they could tell you
some shit that can make
your life more successful.
Look at me.
Look at me!
I had my first son at 17, okay?
I dropped out of high school.
My father died of AIDS.
I sold crack.
I got arrested a few times.
And on top of all of that shit,
I got hit
by a fucking Walmart truck.
Now, I'm not in here
telling nobody
to drop out of high school
and not get their education
and get hit by Walmart truck.
But look how your boy
turned out.
Yo, I love you.
My name is Tracy Morgan.
Please give my love.
Thanks for coming out.
And thank you for letting me
be me.

- Welcome back
Your dreams were
your ticket out
Welcome back
To that same old place
that you laughed about
Well the names
have all changed
Since you hung around
But those dreams
have remained
And they've turned around
Who'd have thought
they'd lead you
- Who'd have thought
they'd lead you
- Back here
where we need you
- Back here where
we need you
- Yeah, we tease him a lot
'Cause we got him
on the spot
Welcome back
Welcome back, welcome back
Welcome back
- Welcome back,
welcome back
- Yeah, we tease him a lot
- Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back
Welcome back, welcome back
- Yeah, we tease him
a lot
- Welcome back,
welcome back
- 'Cause we got him
on the spot
- Welcome back,
welcome back
- Yeah, we tease him
a lot
'Cause we got him
on the spot
Welcome back
- Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back
Welcome back,
welcome back, welcome back
Welcome back, welcome back,
welcome back