Trigger Happy (2025) Movie Script
1
[muffled rattling]
[jovial music]
And tonight's
winning numbers are...
five.
Nine.
Fifteen.
Twenty-one.
And the lucky number.
-Thirty.
-[gunshots popping]
Congratulations to the winner.
[rhythmic clicking]
[footsteps approaching]
Turn the water
heater on, George.
Hm?
I'd like to shower.
I'm not sure
turning on the water heater
should be on my list
of responsibilities.
You're out here first.
You've been out here since--
Just turn the water heater on,
please.
I can't.
Why?
I'm busy making tea.
The kettle is making tea.
-[kettle whistling]
-There she is.
[whistling stops]
[Annie scoffs]
[George chuckles] Whoops.
Settle. Settle.
[exhales sharply]
[ominous music building]
Turn the water heater on,
George.
Going, going.
[faint whirring]
-Go to work.
-Work?
Go to whatever
you like to call it.
It's Sunday, the day of rest.
[Annie spits]
You know, it's never too late
to try something new.
-Yes, it is.
-I've suggested hobbies.
-Do I strike you as a beekeeper?
-George.
Or maybe a stamp collector?
Or should I paint
tiny toy trains
and make the conductor wave?
I am trying to cultivate
a positive head space
until the audition.
Two days.
I only need
two days of peace, George.
Goodbye.
Have a nice day, Annie.
Thanks, you too.
[pills rattling]
-[pills crunching]
-[phone ringing in the distance]
[phone ringing]
-What?
-[woman] Mr. George Decker?
-No.
-Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
This is Jack and Associates
Debt Collection.
Your outstanding balance
of $65,100.5
-is past due--
-[phone clatters]
[intriguing music]
[door slams]
The United States government
and the American
Firearm Federation
would like to remind you that,
due to recently passed
U.S. code 060519,
only the purchase of
an approved firearm
has universal coverage of
health insurance.
I repeat, health insurance
can only be obtained
or sustained with the purchase
of an approved firearm.
Please see that
your local department
[indistinct]
for more information.
[pleasant, dreamy music]
[music stops abruptly]
-[guns clattering]
-[George groaning in pain]
[George groans]
[chuckles wryly]
[Kent]
Hottest thing in the market.
Mm-hmm, yes I know
it sounds like a lot--
I'm going to the Bahamas.
If I were you, I'd get in now.
The fundamentals are sound.
It may be my brokerage,
but at the risk
of offending compliance,
which is a department of me...
[chuckles]
I just wanted to let you know
I'm investing
in this company myself.
A wise decision.
I'll put that through today.
All right. Love you too, Mom.
Flexing that economics degree,
are you, Kent?
Uh, triple majoring at Bloward
University cost a pretty penny.
I've got to put it
to use when I can.
So, when are you headed
to the Isle of June?
What's that?
The most beautiful
place from space.
-I don't follow.
-The Bahamas.
Ah.
I would like to think soon.
Soon.
Okay. Yeah.
Look at you. Go, go, George.
Go, go, George.
-It has a ring to it.
-Alliteration.
-A literal ring, in a sense--
-I know what alliteration is.
-It's the constant repetition--
-I'm aware.
Do you know onomatopoeia?
I do.
Swah!
-Yes.
-You're a smart man, George.
Always have been a smart man,
even if you didn't want to.
I didn't mean to...
Oh.
Bygones and all that.
Yeah.
So, are you leaving soon, soon?
Have you been saving?
Yes.
Here and there.
No.
Well, maybe today's
your lucky day.
Win the lotto,
settle up with me,
and then jet off to a new life
with the missus, huh?
All right.
Um, you know,
I've never calculated a total.
-It's been years.
-Time flies.
-Maybe we should get an idea?
-Oh, I'd love to.
I'm-- I'm in a bit of a rush.
-Of course.
-Work.
Okay, well,
take pride in being a man
who's important to society,
all right?
Oh, and did Annie book
that infomercial?
Um, audition's in a couple days.
I-- I told you, as soon as
her acting career takes off,
I'll pay you back.
But then that'll be her money,
though, George.
We're married.
[Kent chuckles]
Have a good one.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts close]
[sighs]
[Lucy groans angrily]
Have you seen him?
-[both] No, sorry.
-[Lucy sighs in frustration]
You're 45 minutes late.
We don't open till 11.
Why must we be here
so goddamn early?
As Mother used to say,
"Preparation is
the buns for the meat."
Preparation is
the buns for the meat.
Mother said that.
Thank God for nonsense
from your dead mom.
Are you implying that my
experience isn't satisfactory?
I have been in the workforce
longer than you've been alive.
Don't cry me
any blue-collar tears, bitch.
Don't blame me
for your horizontal life.
I'm moving you from the floor.
Excuse me?
I'm putting you
in the custodial department.
-The fuck?
-Don't you raise
-your voice with me.
-What the flying shit?
I am a stellar waiter.
Mother made this restaurant
the institution
that it is today,
and your commitment
hasn't lived up
to our time-tested standards.
-My commitment?
-I can't have you pi--
By your standards?
I can't have you pissing
all over her grave
with your
disrespectful behavior.
When have I ever exhibited
disrespectful behavior?
[laughs sarcastically] Marie.
You're a worthless donkey
roasting in the twilight
-of your life.
-Hm. There's a raise for you.
-Thank you.
-Tod, you're up.
Be cruel.
Y-- you-- you-- you're--
you're a miserable man,
and you smell
like fat beer shit.
Oh, I'm so proud of my boy.
-Thanks.
-This is abuse.
This, this is corruption.
Is this your way of quitting?
Flowered boy can't figure out
how to use a mop?
I'm not quitting.
But I'm taking the day off.
Unpaid. Naturally.
-I did well.
-You did so good.
-You did very good.
-[Lucy snickering]
[disco music]
You getting ready
for that audition?
Getting there.
Right two. Kick it up a notch.
I'm getting ready to mourn
our 15th year anniversary,
-if you can believe it.
-Oh, that's a big one.
Yeah, 15 years since Mickey
moved me from everyone I love
to an entry-level job
that he gets fired from,
only to end up
baking all goddamn day.
-Got unlucky.
-Don't say that, Annie.
Don't-- He fucks everything up.
If likes spending his time
in the kitchen--
Shh.
I am doing something
to celebrate, though.
Just me.
I'm going skydiving.
Skydiving? Alone?
Uh, there's an instructor
at the flight school place. Ty.
Honestly, I'd rather spend
my anniversary with him.
Ty?
Ty is a man.
Man of experience.
[phone chiming, buzzing]
[Abeline] Reminder,
turn off your cell phones
before class begins.
This is known, Abeline.
How can we turn our cell phones
off before class begins?
It's already happened.
The beginning is over.
That's probably Ty calling.
He's been trying
to reach me all week.
You know, it'd be sad
if it wasn't so fucking cute.
-Must be nice.
-Yeah.
[TV host] And tonight's
winning numbers are...
six.
Two.
Nineteen.
Twenty-three.
Fifty-five.
And the lucky number...
[loud whirring]
Congratulations to the winner.
[theme music playing on TV]
[Annie on TV] Hi, everybody.
It's me, Triceraglocks.
Bang, bang. [chuckles]
The ticket to Target Island
is your very own
Triceraglocks!
That's right.
For just $3.99, you can...
[rapid gunshots on TV]
I got shot today.
[phone ringing in the distance]
[music playing on TV]
[Annie making slurring noises]
I got demoted.
Oh, shot and demoted.
That's almost impressive.
[Annie blowing raspberries]
-What are you doing?
-I read in a magazine today
that an actress must absolutely
practice her vocal warm-ups
to keep her larynx loose.
[vocalizing]
-Please don't.
-Wow. Wow.
-Wow.
-Uh...
Ooh.
Ooh.
Wow. Wow.
[clearing throat]
Wow. Wow.
-We really ought to get a gun.
-No.
Oh
Wow. Wow.
-I'd like to see a doctor.
-The answer is no.
-Wow.
-We're the only people I know
that don't have a gun.
Okay, this is not up for debate.
And now I have to start over.
[exhales sharply]
[microwave chimes]
[Annie sighing deeply]
[Annie gasps]
-What?
-I forgot.
Oh, we scheduled dinner
with Gemma and Mikey.
I didn't schedule anything.
-Put your coat on.
-I just unwrapped this.
-Throw it in the fridge.
-You want me to put a hot,
frozen dinner in the fri--
[woman on TV] [indistinct]
[indistinct]
the shade of the reality.
[indistinct]
Let's go further.
[indistinct]
We have a material
[indistinct].
[kid on TV] [indistinct]
God.
-[door creaks open]
-[footsteps approaching]
Hi, honey.
Mm...
I'm surprised to see you made
time for us outside the kitchen.
Oh, stop. [chuckles nervously]
-How-- how are you?
-Fine.
It's been an hour.
Uh, traffic, uh, on the highway
was just brutal.
Huh. Must have been an accident.
I took the highway and flew.
[awkward laughter]
[Mikey sighs]
Usuals for me.
[waiter]
We're supposed to be closed.
[footsteps receding]
George,
how's your end of things?
George got promoted today.
-[loud thud]
-Good for you.
I've been saying it
since day one.
You're going to be running
that place in no time.
Have you been
job hunting, Mikey?
Uh, you got let go...
when?
Time is an illusion
to the fun employed.
[all laughing awkwardly]
Yeah, yeah.
No, I-- I've been busy.
I haven't slept in--
Oh, I haven't slept in--
I haven't slept in--
-I--
-He's been baking.
He is just so proud
of those pies.
-I'll tell you my slogan.
-Oh, can't wait.
[Annie] Please.
"With a little discipline
and a little practice,
hardly anything
is off the table.
At Mikey's,
the pies are on the table."
-Goddamn you.
-[distant clattering]
-It's a little wordy.
-The message is-- that's...
-That is...
-It's nearly there.
Oh.
[sniffing]
[inhales sharply]
-Mine is better.
-Yeah, I've imagine that--
-Imagine so...
-We knew, it was. Yeah.
Would you like a bite,
sweetheart?
In-- in what universe
would I eat pie to placate you?
[laughter]
Oh.
[laughter continues]
You're good, hon.
Whoo-wee.
[Mikey and Gemma clear throats]
-[door shuts]
-[low buzzing]
-[water trickling]
-[George groans quietly]
-Tomorrow's the first.
-[George] Fuck.
-What?
-[George] What?
-Tomorrow's the first.
-[George] And?
Bill day.
[George] Yeah.
That's sort of
your thing, right?
Okay, I have been paying
for everything forever
and I've decided
that it's going to stop.
[George] Uh, why?
I sell insurance, George.
You know? I'm not rich.
Uh, we're married?
Well, how about your life
insurance premium, for instance?
This is money I'm theoretically
going to get when you die.
You should pay your premium.
You should pay for your death.
[George] Who says
I'm going to die first?
-Don't be funny, George.
-Why am I being punished?
You're not being punished.
It's called a teachable moment.
You're teaching me.
You are teaching me?
Okay, from tomorrow on,
I'm covering my half.
-You're covering yours.
-My half of what?
Everything. Okay?
Times are changing, dear.
Don't you want to be
a modern man?
Could've signed
a prenup, you know.
Yeah, I know.
I thought you were
going to be some big shot.
[phone ringing]
-[intriguing music]
-Turn the water heater on.
I'm making tea.
-The kettle is making tea.
-The kettle does my bidding.
-I make the tea around here.
-Hello?
[debt collector]
Mr. George Decker?
-His wife.
-Just as well.
-This is Jack--
-[phone clatters]
[Annie sighs]
The water heater.
The United States government
and the American
Gun Owners Federation
would like to share an amendment
to the recently
passed legislation.
Health insurance
is now available la carte,
without to the previously
required assimilation
to purchase of firearms.
Coverage begins at $200,000
per insured person.
[dreamy music]
[music stops abruptly]
-[guns popping]
-[George groans in pain]
[girl laughing]
[reporter on radio]
We interrupt this program
for breaking news.
-The suspect...
-Have you heard about this?
...for the murder of
her 48-year-old husband.
Police believe that
the suspect had sabotaged
her husband's life jacket
and pushed him overboard,
knowing he was unable to swim.
Court documents claim
she was after a nearly
$2 million
life insurance payout.
[dramatic music]
"And now night falls,
Me, tempest-tost,
and driven from pillar to post,
A poor, worn ghost."
-That's beautiful.
-Dowson.
Thought it might be yours.
Poetry might have been
my second major
at Bloward University,
but no.
In my three collections,
I never reached Dowson.
But that's okay.
A man needs something
to aspire to.
[cash register dings]
$2 million.
[Kent] A nice chunk of change,
but not worth it.
Worth what?
The soul, George.
Madness eats away at the soul.
[intriguing music]
Eh.
Do you ever get bored, Kent?
Bored of what?
This.
I built Kent's
from the ground up
all by myself, man.
I, uh, I didn't mean to--
I know.
We all have bad days at work.
What about not working?
Well, that's what
we work towards.
See, I don't-- I just--
I don't-- I don't know
how I feel about that.
-About what exactly?
-Working as a way of...
waiting.
Try to have a good one, George.
This one's on me.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
This one's on me? [scoffs]
[low flickering]
[screaming]
[music playing on TV]
[TV host] The numbers are...
nine.
[yells] Fuck!
[TV host] Seven.
Eighty-eight.
[loud whirring]
Time to rehearse.
[upbeat music on TV]
[Annie on TV] Do you have
a life of spills, drips,
and other wet messes?
Do you have a life
of spills, drips,
and other wet messes?
[George groaning softly]
[Annie] Wow Sponge. Wow. Wow,
Wow. Wow. Wow, wow.
Wow!
There it is.
Wow Sponge!
There it is, yes!
Wow. Wow Sponge!
[George groaning softly]
[rhythmic beeping]
-George!
-Mikey.
You two know each other?
Our wives are friends.
[Kent] Oh, small world.
You know, Mikey is about
to start a business.
Isn't that something?
Gathering munitions, as it were.
And to have
such a supportive wife
like Gemma
makes all the difference.
-[Mikey] I'm a lucky guy.
-[George mouthing]
-[Mikey chuckling]
-Usual for me.
Uh, put it on my card.
Whatever George wants
is on my wife this morning.
In that case, uh, ma-- ma--
make it two tickets then, huh?
Let's not get greedy.
Lottery, huh?
Not for me.
I like to know where I stand.
-[Kent] Me too, brother.
-Different strokes.
-See you guys.
-Mr. Decker.
George.
-[door shuts close]
-Top tier, isn't he?
Mm-hmm.
[door creaks open]
Principal Breyer.
Uh, who else would it be?
May I come in?
Uh, you need to schedule
something with, uh, eh,
-what's her name out there?
-Just hoping I could--
I don't mind talking
with you when it's scheduled.
Okay?
It's almost Triceraglocks hour
in the auditorium.
You know the deal.
Mandatory attendance.
Chop, chop.
-Just that I--
-I said chop, chop. Okay?
When an adult says
"chop, chop," you chop twice.
Okay? Hmm.
[sighs, whispering]
I love my job. I love my job.
[incoming message sings]
[voice notification]
Incoming voicemail from Ty,
the hot skydive instructor.
[clears throat]
Hello, Mikey.
Uh, can you stop, uh, whisking?
The huffing is nauseating.
Um, I'm out for dinner
with a friend from work tonight.
That's all.
[TV host]
Welcome back to the all-day,
every day, true crime marathon
where we show you
cheating spouses
and gruesome murders,
24/7 in graphic detail.
For your casual entertainment.
-[dramatic music]
-[people screaming on TV]
[door latch rattling]
[Annie huffs angrily]
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
"Don't come in today.
Piper's building flooded."
Wow.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow
Wow
[sighs] Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Wow, wow.
-Oh, wow.
-[faint buzzing]
[sighs in pleasure]
[laughing triumphantly]
-[phone ringing, buzzing]
-[Annie groaning in frustration]
[phone continues
ringing and buzzing]
Hello?
What?
Today?
You want-- you want to
reschedule to today?
Toni-- Uh, oh, yes.
Yes, yes. I'll be right there.
Hello. Uh, 'm Annie Decker,
and I'm an actress.
And I'm reading for the role
of Wow Sponge infomercial host.
-[director] Age?
-Thirty-one years.
-[director] Height?
-5'4", sopping wet. [chuckles]
No, 5'4". In heels.
5'4".
[director]
Social security number?
Social security number?
Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero,
zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.
Yes, really.
[director] Action.
[sighs]
Hi there.
I'm Annie from Wow! Sponge.
Do you have a life of spills,
drips, and other wet messes?
Are you a busy working gal
in need of a quick fix?
Do you know what would fill
that unnameable hole
inside of you,
eating you alive
from the inside out?
I do.
It's the Wow! Sponge.
You'll be spilling things
just to clean them up.
It's like a sponge, but... wow!
The Wow Sponge holds
twice its weight in liquid.
Look at that.
It's doing all the work.
Now that is what I call
the "Wow Factor."
It doesn't drip.
It doesn't make a mess. It's--
Say it with me.
Wow!
Now, the Wow Sponge goes
for $3.99 a sponge,
which is a downright steal.
But if you call now,
and I mean
in the next 20 minutes,
because
we can't hand sponges out
all willy-nilly ad infinitum.
We will fill in a second
Wow Sponge absolutely free.
That's right. You heard me.
That is two Wow Sponges
for only $3.99.
I am swooning.
Here's how to order.
You call 555-555-5555.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow.
Beware, Wow Sponge imitators.
There is only one true sponge.
And it's Wow!
That's 555-555-5555.
-[George coughs]
-[faint hissing]
[coughing]
[faint hissing continues]
Oh.
[coughs]
[coughing]
[suspenseful music]
I need you
to take out the trash.
[Lucy coughing]
Why are you stopping?
Pick it up.
I'm off the clock.
Pick it up.
You have five seconds, George.
Five, four,
three, two...
Why do you treat me like this?
Who are you going to tell?
-[loud thud]
-[Lucy groans in pain]
Oh, God. Oh, no, Lucy.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[George groaning]
Oh, my goddamn knees.
-Whiny little boy.
-I--
[George groaning] Oh, fuck.
[somber music on TV]
[laughter on TV]
You don't have to.
Do you want me to...
No.
[TV host] We are proud to
present the world premiere of...
Sylvia Plath,
poet, lover,
lady carbon monoxide.
Did you pay
for your half of the bills?
I paid for mine.
Got something to tell you.
Is it good night?
I got the part.
Oh. Oh, my God. About...
about the audition?
They changed it.
I went in today.
I can't believe it.
I'm finally gonna make
something of myself.
Oh, oh, my God, Annie.
[chuckling] Oh!
Oh, dear good Lord, we're saved.
-W-- we?
-You and me, baby, you and me.
[chuckles] Wh, uh, uh,
where-- where-- where-- where--
where's the check?
What's your cut
of the royalties?
There's no money, hon.
It's non-union.
What?
No, I get paid an experience.
And experience is valuable.
I mean, even more valuable
than money, they said.
I just wanted
to tell you in case
you wanted to have
some sweet dreams tonight.
[Annie clapping]
They're sending us sponges.
For free, George.
Free Wow Sponges.
Wow.
[George sighs deeply]
[George's voice] A $2 million
life insurance pay.
And she almost made it, too.
That's sloppy.
Can't have witnesses.
That's rule number one.
Make it look like an accident.
Everything you own
is old and leaky.
Your house
is full of shit, George.
No one would suspect a thing.
[door creaking]
Send Annie to hell
and let the cool island breeze
carry you home.
[quirky music]
Lucy, I am taking the day off.
My wife and I are celebrating
a professional accomplishment.
Yes, hers. I--
I-- I'm aware I haven't had
a professional
accomplishment in some time.
Goodbye.
[Gemma] It's so exciting.
I mean, it's so cool,
Annie, for real.
Shouldn't take this long
to get a cup of tea.
Ugh, what's the rush?
We're celebrating.
You took the day off for me.
Let's enjoy it.
-I was thinking we could--
-I know, and I want to, but...
I gotta get to flight school.
-Again?
-[sighs] He's got me, Annie.
He's got me good.
Wait, do you always go there
and never to his house?
-Never.
-Why?
-[Gemma] Fuck.
-[Ty] Yes!
[Gemma] [indistinct]
Oh, come on, come on.
Come on! Come on!
-Come on!
-[Gemma screaming]
Fuck me.
-I would.
-[phone buzzing]
-You can pick up.
-Doesn't matter with you.
If Ty calls, I'll answer.
Don't you think
he's gonna get, uh, suspicious?
That would require
a single fucking brain cell
to fire about
anything other than...
-pies.
-Hmm.
Annie, if you had told me
when I was a little girl
that pies would come
to haunt me,
I mean, really, pies
are my fucking cross to bear?
Annie?
Hmm?
Sometimes you get this,
like, weird twitch in your eye.
Okay, I've never told
anyone this.
Not even George.
Well, you can trust me, right?
I mean, you know you can
talk to me about anything?
Okay.
Well, these pills
you see me take,
they're meant to stop me
from letting
certain thoughts, certain--
Sometimes I picture just--
Oh, my God!
[both retching and sobbing]
-[doorbell chimes]
-[door shuts]
Mrs. Breyer.
It's been a while.
Hi, Annie.
You ladies doing okay? Or...
Okay.
Good for you and Mikey.
So, Annie,
how'd that audition go?
I got the part.
That's amazing to hear.
Congratulations!
I know.
It's all happening so fast.
I mean,
one day I was just like you,
-and now I'm on TV.
-I left my wallet in the car.
Annie, can you...
-Yeah.
-Thanks.
I'll put it on George's tab.
-Tab?
-[door shuts]
I'll just
take care of these now.
On me.
Wow, Annie, thank you.
That's mighty generous.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts close]
[Annie sighs]
[suspenseful music building]
[Annie coughing]
[tires screeching]
[Annie wheezing, coughing]
[Mikey]
Annie, have you seen Gemma?
When was the last time
you saw Gemma exactly?
-[Annise wheezing] What?
-I called the school
and they don't kn-- Hello?
-Is George inside?
-No.
-Stop!
-George! George!
[Annie coughing]
[wheezing and coughing]
[Mikey coughing]
Jesus Christ.
Annie, you've got a gas leak!
-I think, yeah.
-Gas, exactly!
[Mikey coughing]
George? Gemma?
George?
-[Annie coughing]
-Gemma?
[suspenseful music]
[Annie] George!
Holy shit.
Mikey found a gas leak.
-Mikey?
-Mikey is the interesting part
of what I just said?
Uh, Mikey found what?
A gas leak.
He was looking for Gemma.
I was home. I smelled something.
I wanted a shower
because she threw up on me
and all of a sudden,
I couldn't breathe.
The fire department came
and they said that
all the appliances
are shot to hell.
And I opened
all the windows and doors,
but it still smells like--
like rotten eggs,
don't you think?
Where were you?
George,
we need a new water heater.
That thing is shot to hell.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
The water heater is out.
It almost tried to kill me.
Are you hearing a word
I'm saying?
I'll take it cold.
[Annie clapping]
Here's how to order.
You call 555-555-5555.
Here it is again.
It's 555-555-5555.
Beware, Wow Sponge imitators.
There is only one true sponge.
And it's Wow!
That's 555-555-5555.
Future Oscar
Walk of Fame superstar
right here in our goddamn midst.
Bravo, Annie. You did it.
It's a dream come true, guys.
You must be a proud man, George.
Speechless.
-Say something.
-I'm speechless, I said.
Well, what are you two
doing to celebrate?
-Oh, I don't know. We're gonna--
-You should go skydiving.
-No, no, that's dangerous.
-[Gemma] It's not.
The instructors
are well-trained.
How do you know
so much about skydiving?
It's a hobby.
-It's active.
-Come on, hun.
I've always wanted to try it.
-You have?
-You knew that.
-I didn't.
-It's quite the release.
-Seeing who's--
-I will book us a reservation
-tomorrow.
-I'll refer you.
He will get you in wherever,
whenever you want.
-He?
-The skydive thing.
The automated--
the appointment number, Mikey.
Modern technology, huh?
Texting a skydive center?
That is unbelievable.
A toast! Oh.
[screaming]
[Mikey choking]
-What's wrong with you?
-It was an accident.
Sloppy.
Sloppy man.
[Mikey] I'm sorry.
Screwed up with the missus.
-She'll be fine.
-Your missus.
How are you, George?
To be honest,
I am drowning in debt
and woefully underappreciated
in every facet of my small,
pathetic life.
I am attempting to pull off
something truly devilish
for which I will certainly burn
in Satan's eternal fire,
but I can't imagine hell
being any worse than life.
That's great. How's work?
Come by sometime.
I'll give you
a free slice of pie.
[Mikey scoffs]
I got pies galore at home.
We say ours are better
than homemade.
No, no.
Burgers Now is selling my pies.
-How's that?
-And they pay well.
And that Lucy, well,
she couldn't be nicer.
I like their ethos, too.
Preparation is crust
for the filling.
Solid mantra, that.
And the encouragement. Oh.
So refreshing to have
higher ups that believe in you.
You know, Gemma's out all day,
so I have the house to myself.
Sounds nice.
You'd think so.
[chuckles softly]
The pies, George,
the pies have been my salvation.
Salvation to salivate over.
How's that for a slogan?
The trick is the apple, okay?
Depending upon what type
of apple you use, George,
you can dramatically alter
the taste of the pastry.
Honeycrisp, Fuji, Granny Smith.
Gemma usually comes
home pretty late,
and so I like to have something
delicious waiting for her.
The way to a woman's heart
is through her stomach.
-Must you taste it before--
-She's popular.
She's got friends and interests,
and I love that about her.
Mmm.
[Mikey grunts]
Well, our first date.
It's my favorite picture of us.
-It's something, isn't it?
-Do you need medical attention?
I was lucky.
Lucky as Lou Gehrig. [chuckles]
But, well, you know Gemma.
We start dating.
She stops answering my calls.
We moved in together.
She rarely comes home.
I manage, but--
There are dark moments, George.
And I think to myself,
"Oh, God,
has she been cheating on me?"
I mean, that makes me
sound crazy, doesn't it?
And the last thing
I want to do
is be one of those
hysterical men.
And I get the look,
"No, we don't have sex."
And I have a notebook
full of things
I would love to experiment with
when she's ready.
If I can be honest, George,
I think
she might have become asexual.
Just doesn't interest her.
But when we first met,
woo-wee, George,
she was whatever
the opposite of asexual is.
-Sexual?
-We haven't slept together in...
Can I be honest, George?
I'm-- I'm worried.
I'm worried about me.
I mean, do you listen
to the radio, George?
Do you watch the television?
Are you aware
of the terrible things
that people do to each other?
Why don't you clean yourself up?
Sure thing.
You okay?
Never better.
[Mikey's stomach gurgles]
Did you, uh,
get the water heater fixed?
Oh, got a new one at Kent's.
-Hmm.
-Always on.
-Expensive.
-Hmm.
Lucky you came by the other day,
or, you know, who knows
what would have happened.
-Yeah, lucky indeed.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was looking for Gemma.
-Here?
-Well, just checking.
Yeah. You find her?
-Nope.
-No.
No.
Uh-huh.
[intriguing music]
-[music continues]
-[no audio]
[music fades]
Oh.
Hey, so Annie said that
you were out the other day
when the gas leaked.
Indeed.
Where were you?
Old friends.
-Anyone I'm familiar with?
-I don't think so.
Well, I might know them,
given the pie situation.
These are friends work...
nights.
The graveyard shift?
Yes.
[chuckles] That's funny.
For a restaurant
that closes at 9:00 p.m.
[George groans softly]
They're the cleaning crew.
Oh.
Oh.
-Okay, well, good night.
-Good night.
So proud of you. I'm so proud.
Thank you.
Good night, you guys.
Did George seem
a little off to you tonight?
No.
Hey, I really do love you, Gem.
[car engine rumbles]
[planes whooshing]
[Annie] I really don't want
to do this, George.
[George]
Come on, we're celebrating.
[Annie on radio]
Say it with me.
-Live a little.
-Wow!
Now, the Wow Sponge
goes for $3.99 a sponge, which--
Yeah, what the fuck is up,
you adrenaline junkies?
You goddamn adrenaline addicts.
What the fuck is up,
you adrenal heads?
I'm Gail, but enough about me.
How are you today?
-We're excited.
-Hell yeah.
All right, now, listen up.
Come here.
Story time. Come here.
People are always asking me,
"Gail, what's the trick
to staying calm up there?"
All right, now, let's be honest.
It's in your DNA to fear,
and that's why we're here.
Don't avoid it, confront it.
Head-on collision with our
base instincts, motherfucker.
-[George laughing nervously]
-Yeah.
Now, here's a tip, all right?
This is a Gail trademark.
If you look down,
you're falling.
But if you look out,
you're flying, baby.
-Fucking A, right?
-[George chuckles]
Yeah, all right, now, let me
just go ahead and check this.
Yes. All right.
Now, um, you know,
I do like to suggest
a quick visit to the old
toilet day before we head up.
A little field trip
to the piss and shit factory,
if you catch my drift.
Uh, yes, please.
All right, well,
follow me, darling.
I gotta empty the tank myself.
[suspenseful music]
[cloth ripping]
[Ty] George?
Yep, I'm Ty.
-Uh.
-You're Gemma's referral, yeah?
-That's right.
-Ah. Cool.
Does she ever talk about me?
-Um...
-Shit. Sorry.
Oh, so weird to ask.
Ah, forget it.
She said she loves,
uh, skydiving.
That's cool.
I love her.
Holy shit, is that
the Wow Sponge lady?
All right, who's ready to fly?
Oh, excuse me. Huge fan.
-Oh, wow.
-Wow, you said it.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-It's like a--
Wow!
Oh, my God.
Wow. Truly.
Oh, oh, my stomach.
I can't go up.
-What?
-My stomach.
-I can't go up.
-I heard you,
-but what do you mean you're--
-Oof, ouch.
That'll result in a $2,000
per person cancellation fee.
What?
-Oof, ouch. That'll result in--
-I heard you.
I hear all of you, but...
it's going to be $4,000
if we don't go up?
-[Gail] Yeah. Oh!
-[Annie whispers] Oh, dear.
[groans in pain]
[Gail] All right, hey,
listen, what?
I'll tell you this, okay?
If we go up, you and me,
lady friend,
I'll spare you his fee.
I got the jet already fueled up.
It's all full of fucking fuel,
and I'm ready to fly, baby.
Gail's ready to fucking fly!
-All right.
-This was a gift for you. Go.
I don't want to do this, George.
[George] You'll have fun. Go.
-What the hell?
-It's my stomach.
It acts up. You know this.
It doesn't.
It does. [groaning]
[Gail]
What do you say, Ms. Wow?
I'll go up. For you.
-That's a lot of money.
-All right.
Smell, you bitch.
Okay, Ms. Wow.
Let's hit
the jet stream and soar.
Fucking soar.
[George mimicking pain]
[upbeat music]
Bathroom's inside, to the right,
if it's that kind of
stomach thing.
[propellers whirring]
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
[body thuds]
[Ty] Holy shit.
Holy shit!
Jesus fucking Christ!
[gasping]
[upbeat music continues]
[screaming]
-[Gail retching]
-[Annie and George screaming]
[frustrated crying]
Sorry.
[Annie groans]
I'll do it myself.
[phone ringing]
What?
[medical biller]
This is East Lake Hospital.
I'm calling to confirm
that you do not own
a health insurance
qualifying firearm,
nor have you ponied up the dough
to purchase one a la carte.
My wife was nearly killed.
God damn you.
You couldn't even wait an hour?
I could not,
you'll be receiving a bill
in the amount
of $200,000.53.
[newscaster]
Annie Decker of Wow Sponge fame
is lucky to be alive
after a harrowing accident.
[Annie on TV] Now that
is what I call the wow fact--
[rapid tapping]
-[loud thud]
-We have a birthday.
[door creaks and shuts]
Decker, you're dancing today.
-Lucy, I'm not dancing--
-I'm doing you a favor.
The $10 birthday bonus
might help.
Your wife is all over the news,
and I imagine things are getting
a little tight at home.
$10 is real money, George.
How about
a birthday bonus for my boy?
It's your birthday.
Happy birthday.
Every day is a gift.
This is yours.
[birthday man] Thank you.
[chuckling]
Hit it.
[disco music]
Baby,
it's a silly birthday
Oh, yeah, another year older
Yum, yum,
so eat some fucking cake
Baby, we ain't got to wait,
so we might as well say
Oh, oh,
look at this guy go
-Cake!
-It's made with love
It's got sprinkles
on the top
A candle that'll pop,
like this song
Happy birthday,
Burgers Now
Fucking damn, Burgers now
Oh, oh, songs not over
I know you want more,
you sexy little whore
Oh, yeah, so baby, get vulgar,
you ain't getting younger
You old piece of shit
Happy birthday,
Burgers Now
Fuck yeah, Burgers Now
-[loud pop]
-Wow!
Thank you. I--
I really needed that.
The Department of Gun Ubiquity
is pleased to announce
that the purchase
of an approved firearm
now entitles the gun owner
to medical coverage,
dental coverage,
mental health coverage,
an allowance
for a gym membership,
an allowance
for meditation courses.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
-George.
-Kent.
Is Annie doing okay?
Oh. She is remarkable.
A month later
and she is already on her feet.
She's an inspiration.
Light of my life.
Nice flowers.
[Kent] Thank you.
Picked 'em out myself.
Trying to diversify.
I'll take the sunflowers.
[Kent] An assorted bouquet?
Sure.
[quiet music playing on radio]
And rat poison.
Had an infestation a while ago.
Ended up with a barn cat.
Still better than
any product on the market.
And you could save a life.
Adopt.
Has that always been there?
It's mandatory
that all businesses
display their firearms
ever since
they got rid of health ratings,
fire codes,
and occupancy guidelines.
-Oh, yes.
-[phone rings]
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Kent's Korner Store.
Kent speaking.
How may I help you?
Um, it's for you.
-Who is it?
-Jack and Associates.
I'll call them back.
He'll call you right back.
-They're rather angry about--
-Hang up the phone, Kent.
Apologies. You just missed him.
-Jack and Associates, huh?
-Telemarketers.
-Brutal.
-Relentless.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
All right,
let's get back to business.
[Kent whispering]
Perfect. Okay.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
George.
-You just missed him.
-What did he get?
He's got a heavy tab, my friend.
What did he get this morning,
just now?
Uh, a bouquet of flowers
and rat poison.
And a lotto ticket, naturally.
-Were they sunflowers?
-They were.
Annie almost dies
in a freak parachute accident,
and now George
is buying rat poison
and my wife's favorite flowers?
Okay, this isn't some
crazy conspiracy--
Gemma's cheating on me, okay?
I-- I know it.
I'm not gonna defend
George's character, but--
Would you stand aside if
you knew who the other man was?
Can you say for certain
George is the other man,
despite his deeply selfish
and destructive personality?
I know I'm right.
I know I'm right.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
Now would be
a good time to help.
[intriguing music playing]
[dog barking]
Fresh flowers
for the light of my life.
-I'm allergic to sunflowers.
-Are you?
You knew that.
How about some
lasagna for dinner?
-I have plans.
-[George chuckles]
I'm treating you
to a home-cooked meal,
flowers and lasagna.
I'm being romantic, darling.
-George?
-Hmm?
I made plans.
[shouting] Can't you at least
pretend to love me?
You're supposed to be
an actress.
George...
I'm making you dinner.
-I have--
-Let me be a good husband.
You're scaring me.
-It's lasagna.
-George, stop.
It's flowers and lasagna.
-Stop walking.
-Beautiful, Annie.
-George, stop!
-Wow! Wow! Wow!
[Gemma] Annie!
She's not here.
I was supposed to pick her up.
What did you do?
Uh, I--
-I couldn't tell you.
-Hmm.
Wait, let me text her.
Well, I'm fucking starving.
Um, I was gonna make lasagna.
Hmm. Enough for two?
[tense music]
Nice to be away from them,
isn't it?
Almost feels like I'm alone.
Ah, paradise.
Nice to be away from them,
isn't it?
Almost feels like I'm alone.
Paradise.
[laughter on TV]
I told you
I was having dinner at Annie's.
[Mikey on phone]
How's it going?
Good.
-[George laughs]
-[Mikey] Who is that?
-George.
-[Mikey] I...
thought you were
having dinner with Annie.
Yeah, we were supposed
to have dinner,
but she left and she isn't
answering her phone.
-[laughter on TV]
-[Gemma laughs]
-[Mikey] Gemma.
-Look, I'm having
an impromptu dinner
with George, okay?
I'll talk to you later.
Jesus Christ.
Well, you missed dinner.
Time for me to turn in.
Good night, George.
-Uh, where were you?
-Hiding.
Fame getting to you?
No, no, I think
George is trying to kill me.
Mikey kills me every day.
He tried to poison me
with lasagna.
I ate the lasagna.
Do I look dead?
Can I just-- can I just stay
with you for a little while?
Oh, Annie, I love you, I do,
but the place is cramped
for two people.
And it's almost
too small for Mikey now.
Yeah.
You really think George
is smart enough
to kill you
and get away with it?
He went to Bloward.
Well, there's little
evidence of that, so...
Uh, I mean, look, you could--
you could divorce him.
No, he'd take
half of everything.
Wait, you didn't sign a pre--
No, he didn't think
it was a good idea.
Are you out of your mind?
You let him talk
to you into a marriage.
You're fine, okay?
It's--
it's George, you know?
It's-- it's George.
Okay?
All right, I love you.
You call me
if you need me, okay?
-Okay.
-You're gonna be fine.
Bye.
-George?
-[scissors clatter on ground]
[Annie sighs]
[sobbing]
Wow.
Wow.
[crying bitterly]
[grunting and groaning]
[laughing]
[romantic music]
[girl laughing]
[girl thuds on ground
and screams]
Do you fucking hear me?
[Tod] Yes, ma'am.
[Lucy]
And where were you yesterday?
Coffee and a slice of apple pie.
Uh, you're supposed to be
on the clock.
Coffee and a slice of apple pie.
Make it two of each.
Lucy...
-What do you think you're--
-You'll speak when spoken to.
I'll just ask.
I'll just come out and ask it.
Why do you torture me?
I want you to show me
that you want to be here.
-You abuse me.
-You like it.
-And you're well paid.
-Don't.
This is my place.
I run it how I want.
Mommy built it, no?
You need this place.
You need me.
[Lucy on speakers]
I want you to show me that
-you want to be here.
-[George] You abuse me.
[Lucy] You like it.
And you're well paid.
[George] Don't.
-Well paid.
-Legal wage.
Record me all you want.
I'll be fine. You know that.
Maybe life
isn't about public opinion
so much as it is
about one person
deciding something irreversible
should happen to you.
Hmm. I'll be damned, Mikey.
Well done.
-George, please.
-"George.
George, please."
What does "George" even mean?
"George."
It stopped sounding
like a word after a while.
George. George.
[laughing]
George got good grades
so he could get into college.
George...
did well at Bloward,
so he could get a good job.
I did have them too.
In the city. Did you know that?
Yeah, the city.
Me.
I was a part of it.
Can you picture that, huh?
Me, fancy cocktail parties.
My business card out just so.
"Take me, take me."
Little bits of me
stuffed into important wallets.
Then there was Annie.
Always in my ear.
Hmm.
"We should start a family.
We should move to the suburbs.
Maybe we'd be happier."
You know something, Lucy?
That woman has a lot...
of life in her.
She was--
she was always destined to--
to make something of herself.
She-- honestly, she...
she sees life as a-- as a--
kind of-- of, uh, opportunity,
an invitation...
to be someone.
It's infuriating.
And she has suppressed that.
For me, for-- for so long.
So long.
Honestly, is she--
she didn't want to,
she shouldn't have, uh,
hitched her cart to this donkey
'cause I am...
who I've always been.
[exhales sharply]
You wouldn't understand that.
No.
You're a child.
I wasn't happy in the city.
I lived well beyond my means.
I still wasn't happy.
I'm not happy now.
I have been alive
long enough to know...
that I never will be.
Nothing I ever do
will live up to
who I think George should be.
I played my part.
I've stayed on track.
And now I'm j-- I'm--
I'm building up quarters.
Have you been to the Bahamas?
I'm going tonight.
[cutlery clattering]
Um, Lucy, um...
I really mean this, okay?
I hate you.
I hate you more that hate.
I hope you die early...
slowly...
and alone.
Can I get a deal on that?
Annie doesn't want one,
so it would have to be quiet.
I can't do the paperwork.
Why do you need it?
Protection.
All these freak accidents, um--
[chuckling]
I'm a little jittery.
I'll be fined, and so will you.
What's a little fine
at this point, Kent?
You're a good person, George.
Aren't you?
Absolutely.
I have never felt more hinged.
[ominous music]
Can I use your bathroom?
Ah, there's something
wrong with the loo,
-my friend.
-What's going on?
Water just keeps
rising and rising.
Okay.
Rising...
[Kent] Don't worry, George.
I'll manage.
I don't know how these work.
Engineering was my third major
at Bloward University.
Since in the blueprint as part
of an internship application.
Didn't get the job.
Never saw a cent of profits.
Could you imagine
the kind of money that is?
I'm not bitter.
Just to know that they've helped
people is [indistinct] enough.
Oh, um,
and I'm sorry
to do this so callously,
but I added the [indistinct].
A little over $40,000.
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you
for not believing in me
when I asked you to open a store
with me all those years ago.
I don't blame you for begging me
to let you in on it
once you saw it was a success.
It-- it was my investors
that wouldn't allow me
to do that.
-[toilet flushes]
-I felt terrible.
I tried to do right, but I--
I know things
haven't been easier.
But I'm here for you, George.
I consider you a friend.
And I value my customers
and my friends equally.
So consider yourself
double valued.
Coming out now as a friend.
And I hope in turn
to be met with a friend.
[door creaks and slams shut]
Motherfucker.
[Gemma chuckling]
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Mikey on phone]
What are you doing?
I told you I was having dinner
with Annie tonight.
-[Mikey] Again?
-Yes.
What are your plans till dinner?
Are you at work?
Yes.
[Mikey]
I'm coming to your office.
-I made a pie for you.
-I don't eat pie, Mikey.
A nice midday surprise
for my baby?
I'm-- I'm--
I'm out of the office.
You just said you were at work.
Well, I-- I am.
-[Mikey sighs] What's going on?
-Nothing.
-[man sneezes]
-[Mikey] Who is that?
Uh, no one.
[Mikey]
That was a man sneeze.
Don't be hysterical, Mikey.
It's unbecoming.
[Mikey] Hysterical?
Are you cheating on me?
You're cheating on me.
-I know who it is.
-[line beeps]
He does?
[dog barking]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Gemma on phone]
Mikey knows about the affair.
I'll pack a bag.
Come here
and we can leave them together.
We could just
fucking leave them.
[Gemma sighs] I'm sorry.
I never told you.
-I didn't think--
-Didn't tell me what?
[Gemma sighs] I'm pregnant.
Gemma?
[Gemma] I'll make its life hell
without even meaning to.
Hey, um...
come quick, okay?
-[Gemma] Annie...
-Just get in the car, Gemma.
Get in the car.
[groans]
[floor creaking]
[can hisses open]
[choughs]
[can hisses open]
[sighs]
[newscaster on TV]
Kent's Korner Store
was the site of a robbery
tonight and Kent,
the proprietor, was murdered.
Point-blank shotgun
blast to the face.
Authorities obtained
security footage,
which we are obligated
to show you.
[announcer on TV]
Up next, the lottery.
But first, a word
from our sponsor, Triceraglocks.
[Annie on TV]
It's me. Triceraglocks.
Bang, bang. [chuckles]
The ticket
to Target Island is...
-[gunshots bang]
-...your very own
Triceraglocks!
That's right.
For just $3.99, you can...
-[gunshots bang]
-[glass shatters]
-[exhales sharply]
-[body thuds on ground]
[upbeat music playing on TV]
[host on TV]
And now, the lottery.
An tonight's
winning numbers are...
five.
Nine.
Fifteen.
Twenty-one.
And the lucky number...
-Thirty!
-[gunshot bangs]
Congratulations to the winner.
-[screaming]
-[gunshot bangs]
[Annie grunting]
[Annie panting]
[Annie panting, gasping]
[George wheezing]
Wow.
[upbeat electronic music]
[muffled rattling]
[jovial music]
And tonight's
winning numbers are...
five.
Nine.
Fifteen.
Twenty-one.
And the lucky number.
-Thirty.
-[gunshots popping]
Congratulations to the winner.
[rhythmic clicking]
[footsteps approaching]
Turn the water
heater on, George.
Hm?
I'd like to shower.
I'm not sure
turning on the water heater
should be on my list
of responsibilities.
You're out here first.
You've been out here since--
Just turn the water heater on,
please.
I can't.
Why?
I'm busy making tea.
The kettle is making tea.
-[kettle whistling]
-There she is.
[whistling stops]
[Annie scoffs]
[George chuckles] Whoops.
Settle. Settle.
[exhales sharply]
[ominous music building]
Turn the water heater on,
George.
Going, going.
[faint whirring]
-Go to work.
-Work?
Go to whatever
you like to call it.
It's Sunday, the day of rest.
[Annie spits]
You know, it's never too late
to try something new.
-Yes, it is.
-I've suggested hobbies.
-Do I strike you as a beekeeper?
-George.
Or maybe a stamp collector?
Or should I paint
tiny toy trains
and make the conductor wave?
I am trying to cultivate
a positive head space
until the audition.
Two days.
I only need
two days of peace, George.
Goodbye.
Have a nice day, Annie.
Thanks, you too.
[pills rattling]
-[pills crunching]
-[phone ringing in the distance]
[phone ringing]
-What?
-[woman] Mr. George Decker?
-No.
-Yes.
-No.
-Yes.
This is Jack and Associates
Debt Collection.
Your outstanding balance
of $65,100.5
-is past due--
-[phone clatters]
[intriguing music]
[door slams]
The United States government
and the American
Firearm Federation
would like to remind you that,
due to recently passed
U.S. code 060519,
only the purchase of
an approved firearm
has universal coverage of
health insurance.
I repeat, health insurance
can only be obtained
or sustained with the purchase
of an approved firearm.
Please see that
your local department
[indistinct]
for more information.
[pleasant, dreamy music]
[music stops abruptly]
-[guns clattering]
-[George groaning in pain]
[George groans]
[chuckles wryly]
[Kent]
Hottest thing in the market.
Mm-hmm, yes I know
it sounds like a lot--
I'm going to the Bahamas.
If I were you, I'd get in now.
The fundamentals are sound.
It may be my brokerage,
but at the risk
of offending compliance,
which is a department of me...
[chuckles]
I just wanted to let you know
I'm investing
in this company myself.
A wise decision.
I'll put that through today.
All right. Love you too, Mom.
Flexing that economics degree,
are you, Kent?
Uh, triple majoring at Bloward
University cost a pretty penny.
I've got to put it
to use when I can.
So, when are you headed
to the Isle of June?
What's that?
The most beautiful
place from space.
-I don't follow.
-The Bahamas.
Ah.
I would like to think soon.
Soon.
Okay. Yeah.
Look at you. Go, go, George.
Go, go, George.
-It has a ring to it.
-Alliteration.
-A literal ring, in a sense--
-I know what alliteration is.
-It's the constant repetition--
-I'm aware.
Do you know onomatopoeia?
I do.
Swah!
-Yes.
-You're a smart man, George.
Always have been a smart man,
even if you didn't want to.
I didn't mean to...
Oh.
Bygones and all that.
Yeah.
So, are you leaving soon, soon?
Have you been saving?
Yes.
Here and there.
No.
Well, maybe today's
your lucky day.
Win the lotto,
settle up with me,
and then jet off to a new life
with the missus, huh?
All right.
Um, you know,
I've never calculated a total.
-It's been years.
-Time flies.
-Maybe we should get an idea?
-Oh, I'd love to.
I'm-- I'm in a bit of a rush.
-Of course.
-Work.
Okay, well,
take pride in being a man
who's important to society,
all right?
Oh, and did Annie book
that infomercial?
Um, audition's in a couple days.
I-- I told you, as soon as
her acting career takes off,
I'll pay you back.
But then that'll be her money,
though, George.
We're married.
[Kent chuckles]
Have a good one.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts close]
[sighs]
[Lucy groans angrily]
Have you seen him?
-[both] No, sorry.
-[Lucy sighs in frustration]
You're 45 minutes late.
We don't open till 11.
Why must we be here
so goddamn early?
As Mother used to say,
"Preparation is
the buns for the meat."
Preparation is
the buns for the meat.
Mother said that.
Thank God for nonsense
from your dead mom.
Are you implying that my
experience isn't satisfactory?
I have been in the workforce
longer than you've been alive.
Don't cry me
any blue-collar tears, bitch.
Don't blame me
for your horizontal life.
I'm moving you from the floor.
Excuse me?
I'm putting you
in the custodial department.
-The fuck?
-Don't you raise
-your voice with me.
-What the flying shit?
I am a stellar waiter.
Mother made this restaurant
the institution
that it is today,
and your commitment
hasn't lived up
to our time-tested standards.
-My commitment?
-I can't have you pi--
By your standards?
I can't have you pissing
all over her grave
with your
disrespectful behavior.
When have I ever exhibited
disrespectful behavior?
[laughs sarcastically] Marie.
You're a worthless donkey
roasting in the twilight
-of your life.
-Hm. There's a raise for you.
-Thank you.
-Tod, you're up.
Be cruel.
Y-- you-- you-- you're--
you're a miserable man,
and you smell
like fat beer shit.
Oh, I'm so proud of my boy.
-Thanks.
-This is abuse.
This, this is corruption.
Is this your way of quitting?
Flowered boy can't figure out
how to use a mop?
I'm not quitting.
But I'm taking the day off.
Unpaid. Naturally.
-I did well.
-You did so good.
-You did very good.
-[Lucy snickering]
[disco music]
You getting ready
for that audition?
Getting there.
Right two. Kick it up a notch.
I'm getting ready to mourn
our 15th year anniversary,
-if you can believe it.
-Oh, that's a big one.
Yeah, 15 years since Mickey
moved me from everyone I love
to an entry-level job
that he gets fired from,
only to end up
baking all goddamn day.
-Got unlucky.
-Don't say that, Annie.
Don't-- He fucks everything up.
If likes spending his time
in the kitchen--
Shh.
I am doing something
to celebrate, though.
Just me.
I'm going skydiving.
Skydiving? Alone?
Uh, there's an instructor
at the flight school place. Ty.
Honestly, I'd rather spend
my anniversary with him.
Ty?
Ty is a man.
Man of experience.
[phone chiming, buzzing]
[Abeline] Reminder,
turn off your cell phones
before class begins.
This is known, Abeline.
How can we turn our cell phones
off before class begins?
It's already happened.
The beginning is over.
That's probably Ty calling.
He's been trying
to reach me all week.
You know, it'd be sad
if it wasn't so fucking cute.
-Must be nice.
-Yeah.
[TV host] And tonight's
winning numbers are...
six.
Two.
Nineteen.
Twenty-three.
Fifty-five.
And the lucky number...
[loud whirring]
Congratulations to the winner.
[theme music playing on TV]
[Annie on TV] Hi, everybody.
It's me, Triceraglocks.
Bang, bang. [chuckles]
The ticket to Target Island
is your very own
Triceraglocks!
That's right.
For just $3.99, you can...
[rapid gunshots on TV]
I got shot today.
[phone ringing in the distance]
[music playing on TV]
[Annie making slurring noises]
I got demoted.
Oh, shot and demoted.
That's almost impressive.
[Annie blowing raspberries]
-What are you doing?
-I read in a magazine today
that an actress must absolutely
practice her vocal warm-ups
to keep her larynx loose.
[vocalizing]
-Please don't.
-Wow. Wow.
-Wow.
-Uh...
Ooh.
Ooh.
Wow. Wow.
[clearing throat]
Wow. Wow.
-We really ought to get a gun.
-No.
Oh
Wow. Wow.
-I'd like to see a doctor.
-The answer is no.
-Wow.
-We're the only people I know
that don't have a gun.
Okay, this is not up for debate.
And now I have to start over.
[exhales sharply]
[microwave chimes]
[Annie sighing deeply]
[Annie gasps]
-What?
-I forgot.
Oh, we scheduled dinner
with Gemma and Mikey.
I didn't schedule anything.
-Put your coat on.
-I just unwrapped this.
-Throw it in the fridge.
-You want me to put a hot,
frozen dinner in the fri--
[woman on TV] [indistinct]
[indistinct]
the shade of the reality.
[indistinct]
Let's go further.
[indistinct]
We have a material
[indistinct].
[kid on TV] [indistinct]
God.
-[door creaks open]
-[footsteps approaching]
Hi, honey.
Mm...
I'm surprised to see you made
time for us outside the kitchen.
Oh, stop. [chuckles nervously]
-How-- how are you?
-Fine.
It's been an hour.
Uh, traffic, uh, on the highway
was just brutal.
Huh. Must have been an accident.
I took the highway and flew.
[awkward laughter]
[Mikey sighs]
Usuals for me.
[waiter]
We're supposed to be closed.
[footsteps receding]
George,
how's your end of things?
George got promoted today.
-[loud thud]
-Good for you.
I've been saying it
since day one.
You're going to be running
that place in no time.
Have you been
job hunting, Mikey?
Uh, you got let go...
when?
Time is an illusion
to the fun employed.
[all laughing awkwardly]
Yeah, yeah.
No, I-- I've been busy.
I haven't slept in--
Oh, I haven't slept in--
I haven't slept in--
-I--
-He's been baking.
He is just so proud
of those pies.
-I'll tell you my slogan.
-Oh, can't wait.
[Annie] Please.
"With a little discipline
and a little practice,
hardly anything
is off the table.
At Mikey's,
the pies are on the table."
-Goddamn you.
-[distant clattering]
-It's a little wordy.
-The message is-- that's...
-That is...
-It's nearly there.
Oh.
[sniffing]
[inhales sharply]
-Mine is better.
-Yeah, I've imagine that--
-Imagine so...
-We knew, it was. Yeah.
Would you like a bite,
sweetheart?
In-- in what universe
would I eat pie to placate you?
[laughter]
Oh.
[laughter continues]
You're good, hon.
Whoo-wee.
[Mikey and Gemma clear throats]
-[door shuts]
-[low buzzing]
-[water trickling]
-[George groans quietly]
-Tomorrow's the first.
-[George] Fuck.
-What?
-[George] What?
-Tomorrow's the first.
-[George] And?
Bill day.
[George] Yeah.
That's sort of
your thing, right?
Okay, I have been paying
for everything forever
and I've decided
that it's going to stop.
[George] Uh, why?
I sell insurance, George.
You know? I'm not rich.
Uh, we're married?
Well, how about your life
insurance premium, for instance?
This is money I'm theoretically
going to get when you die.
You should pay your premium.
You should pay for your death.
[George] Who says
I'm going to die first?
-Don't be funny, George.
-Why am I being punished?
You're not being punished.
It's called a teachable moment.
You're teaching me.
You are teaching me?
Okay, from tomorrow on,
I'm covering my half.
-You're covering yours.
-My half of what?
Everything. Okay?
Times are changing, dear.
Don't you want to be
a modern man?
Could've signed
a prenup, you know.
Yeah, I know.
I thought you were
going to be some big shot.
[phone ringing]
-[intriguing music]
-Turn the water heater on.
I'm making tea.
-The kettle is making tea.
-The kettle does my bidding.
-I make the tea around here.
-Hello?
[debt collector]
Mr. George Decker?
-His wife.
-Just as well.
-This is Jack--
-[phone clatters]
[Annie sighs]
The water heater.
The United States government
and the American
Gun Owners Federation
would like to share an amendment
to the recently
passed legislation.
Health insurance
is now available la carte,
without to the previously
required assimilation
to purchase of firearms.
Coverage begins at $200,000
per insured person.
[dreamy music]
[music stops abruptly]
-[guns popping]
-[George groans in pain]
[girl laughing]
[reporter on radio]
We interrupt this program
for breaking news.
-The suspect...
-Have you heard about this?
...for the murder of
her 48-year-old husband.
Police believe that
the suspect had sabotaged
her husband's life jacket
and pushed him overboard,
knowing he was unable to swim.
Court documents claim
she was after a nearly
$2 million
life insurance payout.
[dramatic music]
"And now night falls,
Me, tempest-tost,
and driven from pillar to post,
A poor, worn ghost."
-That's beautiful.
-Dowson.
Thought it might be yours.
Poetry might have been
my second major
at Bloward University,
but no.
In my three collections,
I never reached Dowson.
But that's okay.
A man needs something
to aspire to.
[cash register dings]
$2 million.
[Kent] A nice chunk of change,
but not worth it.
Worth what?
The soul, George.
Madness eats away at the soul.
[intriguing music]
Eh.
Do you ever get bored, Kent?
Bored of what?
This.
I built Kent's
from the ground up
all by myself, man.
I, uh, I didn't mean to--
I know.
We all have bad days at work.
What about not working?
Well, that's what
we work towards.
See, I don't-- I just--
I don't-- I don't know
how I feel about that.
-About what exactly?
-Working as a way of...
waiting.
Try to have a good one, George.
This one's on me.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
This one's on me? [scoffs]
[low flickering]
[screaming]
[music playing on TV]
[TV host] The numbers are...
nine.
[yells] Fuck!
[TV host] Seven.
Eighty-eight.
[loud whirring]
Time to rehearse.
[upbeat music on TV]
[Annie on TV] Do you have
a life of spills, drips,
and other wet messes?
Do you have a life
of spills, drips,
and other wet messes?
[George groaning softly]
[Annie] Wow Sponge. Wow. Wow,
Wow. Wow. Wow, wow.
Wow!
There it is.
Wow Sponge!
There it is, yes!
Wow. Wow Sponge!
[George groaning softly]
[rhythmic beeping]
-George!
-Mikey.
You two know each other?
Our wives are friends.
[Kent] Oh, small world.
You know, Mikey is about
to start a business.
Isn't that something?
Gathering munitions, as it were.
And to have
such a supportive wife
like Gemma
makes all the difference.
-[Mikey] I'm a lucky guy.
-[George mouthing]
-[Mikey chuckling]
-Usual for me.
Uh, put it on my card.
Whatever George wants
is on my wife this morning.
In that case, uh, ma-- ma--
make it two tickets then, huh?
Let's not get greedy.
Lottery, huh?
Not for me.
I like to know where I stand.
-[Kent] Me too, brother.
-Different strokes.
-See you guys.
-Mr. Decker.
George.
-[door shuts close]
-Top tier, isn't he?
Mm-hmm.
[door creaks open]
Principal Breyer.
Uh, who else would it be?
May I come in?
Uh, you need to schedule
something with, uh, eh,
-what's her name out there?
-Just hoping I could--
I don't mind talking
with you when it's scheduled.
Okay?
It's almost Triceraglocks hour
in the auditorium.
You know the deal.
Mandatory attendance.
Chop, chop.
-Just that I--
-I said chop, chop. Okay?
When an adult says
"chop, chop," you chop twice.
Okay? Hmm.
[sighs, whispering]
I love my job. I love my job.
[incoming message sings]
[voice notification]
Incoming voicemail from Ty,
the hot skydive instructor.
[clears throat]
Hello, Mikey.
Uh, can you stop, uh, whisking?
The huffing is nauseating.
Um, I'm out for dinner
with a friend from work tonight.
That's all.
[TV host]
Welcome back to the all-day,
every day, true crime marathon
where we show you
cheating spouses
and gruesome murders,
24/7 in graphic detail.
For your casual entertainment.
-[dramatic music]
-[people screaming on TV]
[door latch rattling]
[Annie huffs angrily]
[phone buzzing]
[sighs]
"Don't come in today.
Piper's building flooded."
Wow.
Wow. Wow, wow, wow. Wow.
Wow, wow, wow, wow,
wow, wow, wow, wow, wow
Wow
[sighs] Wow.
Wow, wow, wow.
Wow, wow.
-Oh, wow.
-[faint buzzing]
[sighs in pleasure]
[laughing triumphantly]
-[phone ringing, buzzing]
-[Annie groaning in frustration]
[phone continues
ringing and buzzing]
Hello?
What?
Today?
You want-- you want to
reschedule to today?
Toni-- Uh, oh, yes.
Yes, yes. I'll be right there.
Hello. Uh, 'm Annie Decker,
and I'm an actress.
And I'm reading for the role
of Wow Sponge infomercial host.
-[director] Age?
-Thirty-one years.
-[director] Height?
-5'4", sopping wet. [chuckles]
No, 5'4". In heels.
5'4".
[director]
Social security number?
Social security number?
Zero, zero, zero, zero, zero,
zero, zero, zero, zero, zero.
Yes, really.
[director] Action.
[sighs]
Hi there.
I'm Annie from Wow! Sponge.
Do you have a life of spills,
drips, and other wet messes?
Are you a busy working gal
in need of a quick fix?
Do you know what would fill
that unnameable hole
inside of you,
eating you alive
from the inside out?
I do.
It's the Wow! Sponge.
You'll be spilling things
just to clean them up.
It's like a sponge, but... wow!
The Wow Sponge holds
twice its weight in liquid.
Look at that.
It's doing all the work.
Now that is what I call
the "Wow Factor."
It doesn't drip.
It doesn't make a mess. It's--
Say it with me.
Wow!
Now, the Wow Sponge goes
for $3.99 a sponge,
which is a downright steal.
But if you call now,
and I mean
in the next 20 minutes,
because
we can't hand sponges out
all willy-nilly ad infinitum.
We will fill in a second
Wow Sponge absolutely free.
That's right. You heard me.
That is two Wow Sponges
for only $3.99.
I am swooning.
Here's how to order.
You call 555-555-5555.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, wow.
Beware, Wow Sponge imitators.
There is only one true sponge.
And it's Wow!
That's 555-555-5555.
-[George coughs]
-[faint hissing]
[coughing]
[faint hissing continues]
Oh.
[coughs]
[coughing]
[suspenseful music]
I need you
to take out the trash.
[Lucy coughing]
Why are you stopping?
Pick it up.
I'm off the clock.
Pick it up.
You have five seconds, George.
Five, four,
three, two...
Why do you treat me like this?
Who are you going to tell?
-[loud thud]
-[Lucy groans in pain]
Oh, God. Oh, no, Lucy.
Oh, I'm so sorry.
[George groaning]
Oh, my goddamn knees.
-Whiny little boy.
-I--
[George groaning] Oh, fuck.
[somber music on TV]
[laughter on TV]
You don't have to.
Do you want me to...
No.
[TV host] We are proud to
present the world premiere of...
Sylvia Plath,
poet, lover,
lady carbon monoxide.
Did you pay
for your half of the bills?
I paid for mine.
Got something to tell you.
Is it good night?
I got the part.
Oh. Oh, my God. About...
about the audition?
They changed it.
I went in today.
I can't believe it.
I'm finally gonna make
something of myself.
Oh, oh, my God, Annie.
[chuckling] Oh!
Oh, dear good Lord, we're saved.
-W-- we?
-You and me, baby, you and me.
[chuckles] Wh, uh, uh,
where-- where-- where-- where--
where's the check?
What's your cut
of the royalties?
There's no money, hon.
It's non-union.
What?
No, I get paid an experience.
And experience is valuable.
I mean, even more valuable
than money, they said.
I just wanted
to tell you in case
you wanted to have
some sweet dreams tonight.
[Annie clapping]
They're sending us sponges.
For free, George.
Free Wow Sponges.
Wow.
[George sighs deeply]
[George's voice] A $2 million
life insurance pay.
And she almost made it, too.
That's sloppy.
Can't have witnesses.
That's rule number one.
Make it look like an accident.
Everything you own
is old and leaky.
Your house
is full of shit, George.
No one would suspect a thing.
[door creaking]
Send Annie to hell
and let the cool island breeze
carry you home.
[quirky music]
Lucy, I am taking the day off.
My wife and I are celebrating
a professional accomplishment.
Yes, hers. I--
I-- I'm aware I haven't had
a professional
accomplishment in some time.
Goodbye.
[Gemma] It's so exciting.
I mean, it's so cool,
Annie, for real.
Shouldn't take this long
to get a cup of tea.
Ugh, what's the rush?
We're celebrating.
You took the day off for me.
Let's enjoy it.
-I was thinking we could--
-I know, and I want to, but...
I gotta get to flight school.
-Again?
-[sighs] He's got me, Annie.
He's got me good.
Wait, do you always go there
and never to his house?
-Never.
-Why?
-[Gemma] Fuck.
-[Ty] Yes!
[Gemma] [indistinct]
Oh, come on, come on.
Come on! Come on!
-Come on!
-[Gemma screaming]
Fuck me.
-I would.
-[phone buzzing]
-You can pick up.
-Doesn't matter with you.
If Ty calls, I'll answer.
Don't you think
he's gonna get, uh, suspicious?
That would require
a single fucking brain cell
to fire about
anything other than...
-pies.
-Hmm.
Annie, if you had told me
when I was a little girl
that pies would come
to haunt me,
I mean, really, pies
are my fucking cross to bear?
Annie?
Hmm?
Sometimes you get this,
like, weird twitch in your eye.
Okay, I've never told
anyone this.
Not even George.
Well, you can trust me, right?
I mean, you know you can
talk to me about anything?
Okay.
Well, these pills
you see me take,
they're meant to stop me
from letting
certain thoughts, certain--
Sometimes I picture just--
Oh, my God!
[both retching and sobbing]
-[doorbell chimes]
-[door shuts]
Mrs. Breyer.
It's been a while.
Hi, Annie.
You ladies doing okay? Or...
Okay.
Good for you and Mikey.
So, Annie,
how'd that audition go?
I got the part.
That's amazing to hear.
Congratulations!
I know.
It's all happening so fast.
I mean,
one day I was just like you,
-and now I'm on TV.
-I left my wallet in the car.
Annie, can you...
-Yeah.
-Thanks.
I'll put it on George's tab.
-Tab?
-[door shuts]
I'll just
take care of these now.
On me.
Wow, Annie, thank you.
That's mighty generous.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts close]
[Annie sighs]
[suspenseful music building]
[Annie coughing]
[tires screeching]
[Annie wheezing, coughing]
[Mikey]
Annie, have you seen Gemma?
When was the last time
you saw Gemma exactly?
-[Annise wheezing] What?
-I called the school
and they don't kn-- Hello?
-Is George inside?
-No.
-Stop!
-George! George!
[Annie coughing]
[wheezing and coughing]
[Mikey coughing]
Jesus Christ.
Annie, you've got a gas leak!
-I think, yeah.
-Gas, exactly!
[Mikey coughing]
George? Gemma?
George?
-[Annie coughing]
-Gemma?
[suspenseful music]
[Annie] George!
Holy shit.
Mikey found a gas leak.
-Mikey?
-Mikey is the interesting part
of what I just said?
Uh, Mikey found what?
A gas leak.
He was looking for Gemma.
I was home. I smelled something.
I wanted a shower
because she threw up on me
and all of a sudden,
I couldn't breathe.
The fire department came
and they said that
all the appliances
are shot to hell.
And I opened
all the windows and doors,
but it still smells like--
like rotten eggs,
don't you think?
Where were you?
George,
we need a new water heater.
That thing is shot to hell.
I'm gonna go take a shower.
The water heater is out.
It almost tried to kill me.
Are you hearing a word
I'm saying?
I'll take it cold.
[Annie clapping]
Here's how to order.
You call 555-555-5555.
Here it is again.
It's 555-555-5555.
Beware, Wow Sponge imitators.
There is only one true sponge.
And it's Wow!
That's 555-555-5555.
Future Oscar
Walk of Fame superstar
right here in our goddamn midst.
Bravo, Annie. You did it.
It's a dream come true, guys.
You must be a proud man, George.
Speechless.
-Say something.
-I'm speechless, I said.
Well, what are you two
doing to celebrate?
-Oh, I don't know. We're gonna--
-You should go skydiving.
-No, no, that's dangerous.
-[Gemma] It's not.
The instructors
are well-trained.
How do you know
so much about skydiving?
It's a hobby.
-It's active.
-Come on, hun.
I've always wanted to try it.
-You have?
-You knew that.
-I didn't.
-It's quite the release.
-Seeing who's--
-I will book us a reservation
-tomorrow.
-I'll refer you.
He will get you in wherever,
whenever you want.
-He?
-The skydive thing.
The automated--
the appointment number, Mikey.
Modern technology, huh?
Texting a skydive center?
That is unbelievable.
A toast! Oh.
[screaming]
[Mikey choking]
-What's wrong with you?
-It was an accident.
Sloppy.
Sloppy man.
[Mikey] I'm sorry.
Screwed up with the missus.
-She'll be fine.
-Your missus.
How are you, George?
To be honest,
I am drowning in debt
and woefully underappreciated
in every facet of my small,
pathetic life.
I am attempting to pull off
something truly devilish
for which I will certainly burn
in Satan's eternal fire,
but I can't imagine hell
being any worse than life.
That's great. How's work?
Come by sometime.
I'll give you
a free slice of pie.
[Mikey scoffs]
I got pies galore at home.
We say ours are better
than homemade.
No, no.
Burgers Now is selling my pies.
-How's that?
-And they pay well.
And that Lucy, well,
she couldn't be nicer.
I like their ethos, too.
Preparation is crust
for the filling.
Solid mantra, that.
And the encouragement. Oh.
So refreshing to have
higher ups that believe in you.
You know, Gemma's out all day,
so I have the house to myself.
Sounds nice.
You'd think so.
[chuckles softly]
The pies, George,
the pies have been my salvation.
Salvation to salivate over.
How's that for a slogan?
The trick is the apple, okay?
Depending upon what type
of apple you use, George,
you can dramatically alter
the taste of the pastry.
Honeycrisp, Fuji, Granny Smith.
Gemma usually comes
home pretty late,
and so I like to have something
delicious waiting for her.
The way to a woman's heart
is through her stomach.
-Must you taste it before--
-She's popular.
She's got friends and interests,
and I love that about her.
Mmm.
[Mikey grunts]
Well, our first date.
It's my favorite picture of us.
-It's something, isn't it?
-Do you need medical attention?
I was lucky.
Lucky as Lou Gehrig. [chuckles]
But, well, you know Gemma.
We start dating.
She stops answering my calls.
We moved in together.
She rarely comes home.
I manage, but--
There are dark moments, George.
And I think to myself,
"Oh, God,
has she been cheating on me?"
I mean, that makes me
sound crazy, doesn't it?
And the last thing
I want to do
is be one of those
hysterical men.
And I get the look,
"No, we don't have sex."
And I have a notebook
full of things
I would love to experiment with
when she's ready.
If I can be honest, George,
I think
she might have become asexual.
Just doesn't interest her.
But when we first met,
woo-wee, George,
she was whatever
the opposite of asexual is.
-Sexual?
-We haven't slept together in...
Can I be honest, George?
I'm-- I'm worried.
I'm worried about me.
I mean, do you listen
to the radio, George?
Do you watch the television?
Are you aware
of the terrible things
that people do to each other?
Why don't you clean yourself up?
Sure thing.
You okay?
Never better.
[Mikey's stomach gurgles]
Did you, uh,
get the water heater fixed?
Oh, got a new one at Kent's.
-Hmm.
-Always on.
-Expensive.
-Hmm.
Lucky you came by the other day,
or, you know, who knows
what would have happened.
-Yeah, lucky indeed.
-Yeah, yeah, yeah.
I was looking for Gemma.
-Here?
-Well, just checking.
Yeah. You find her?
-Nope.
-No.
No.
Uh-huh.
[intriguing music]
-[music continues]
-[no audio]
[music fades]
Oh.
Hey, so Annie said that
you were out the other day
when the gas leaked.
Indeed.
Where were you?
Old friends.
-Anyone I'm familiar with?
-I don't think so.
Well, I might know them,
given the pie situation.
These are friends work...
nights.
The graveyard shift?
Yes.
[chuckles] That's funny.
For a restaurant
that closes at 9:00 p.m.
[George groans softly]
They're the cleaning crew.
Oh.
Oh.
-Okay, well, good night.
-Good night.
So proud of you. I'm so proud.
Thank you.
Good night, you guys.
Did George seem
a little off to you tonight?
No.
Hey, I really do love you, Gem.
[car engine rumbles]
[planes whooshing]
[Annie] I really don't want
to do this, George.
[George]
Come on, we're celebrating.
[Annie on radio]
Say it with me.
-Live a little.
-Wow!
Now, the Wow Sponge
goes for $3.99 a sponge, which--
Yeah, what the fuck is up,
you adrenaline junkies?
You goddamn adrenaline addicts.
What the fuck is up,
you adrenal heads?
I'm Gail, but enough about me.
How are you today?
-We're excited.
-Hell yeah.
All right, now, listen up.
Come here.
Story time. Come here.
People are always asking me,
"Gail, what's the trick
to staying calm up there?"
All right, now, let's be honest.
It's in your DNA to fear,
and that's why we're here.
Don't avoid it, confront it.
Head-on collision with our
base instincts, motherfucker.
-[George laughing nervously]
-Yeah.
Now, here's a tip, all right?
This is a Gail trademark.
If you look down,
you're falling.
But if you look out,
you're flying, baby.
-Fucking A, right?
-[George chuckles]
Yeah, all right, now, let me
just go ahead and check this.
Yes. All right.
Now, um, you know,
I do like to suggest
a quick visit to the old
toilet day before we head up.
A little field trip
to the piss and shit factory,
if you catch my drift.
Uh, yes, please.
All right, well,
follow me, darling.
I gotta empty the tank myself.
[suspenseful music]
[cloth ripping]
[Ty] George?
Yep, I'm Ty.
-Uh.
-You're Gemma's referral, yeah?
-That's right.
-Ah. Cool.
Does she ever talk about me?
-Um...
-Shit. Sorry.
Oh, so weird to ask.
Ah, forget it.
She said she loves,
uh, skydiving.
That's cool.
I love her.
Holy shit, is that
the Wow Sponge lady?
All right, who's ready to fly?
Oh, excuse me. Huge fan.
-Oh, wow.
-Wow, you said it.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-Wow.
-It's like a--
Wow!
Oh, my God.
Wow. Truly.
Oh, oh, my stomach.
I can't go up.
-What?
-My stomach.
-I can't go up.
-I heard you,
-but what do you mean you're--
-Oof, ouch.
That'll result in a $2,000
per person cancellation fee.
What?
-Oof, ouch. That'll result in--
-I heard you.
I hear all of you, but...
it's going to be $4,000
if we don't go up?
-[Gail] Yeah. Oh!
-[Annie whispers] Oh, dear.
[groans in pain]
[Gail] All right, hey,
listen, what?
I'll tell you this, okay?
If we go up, you and me,
lady friend,
I'll spare you his fee.
I got the jet already fueled up.
It's all full of fucking fuel,
and I'm ready to fly, baby.
Gail's ready to fucking fly!
-All right.
-This was a gift for you. Go.
I don't want to do this, George.
[George] You'll have fun. Go.
-What the hell?
-It's my stomach.
It acts up. You know this.
It doesn't.
It does. [groaning]
[Gail]
What do you say, Ms. Wow?
I'll go up. For you.
-That's a lot of money.
-All right.
Smell, you bitch.
Okay, Ms. Wow.
Let's hit
the jet stream and soar.
Fucking soar.
[George mimicking pain]
[upbeat music]
Bathroom's inside, to the right,
if it's that kind of
stomach thing.
[propellers whirring]
We're almost there.
We're almost there.
[body thuds]
[Ty] Holy shit.
Holy shit!
Jesus fucking Christ!
[gasping]
[upbeat music continues]
[screaming]
-[Gail retching]
-[Annie and George screaming]
[frustrated crying]
Sorry.
[Annie groans]
I'll do it myself.
[phone ringing]
What?
[medical biller]
This is East Lake Hospital.
I'm calling to confirm
that you do not own
a health insurance
qualifying firearm,
nor have you ponied up the dough
to purchase one a la carte.
My wife was nearly killed.
God damn you.
You couldn't even wait an hour?
I could not,
you'll be receiving a bill
in the amount
of $200,000.53.
[newscaster]
Annie Decker of Wow Sponge fame
is lucky to be alive
after a harrowing accident.
[Annie on TV] Now that
is what I call the wow fact--
[rapid tapping]
-[loud thud]
-We have a birthday.
[door creaks and shuts]
Decker, you're dancing today.
-Lucy, I'm not dancing--
-I'm doing you a favor.
The $10 birthday bonus
might help.
Your wife is all over the news,
and I imagine things are getting
a little tight at home.
$10 is real money, George.
How about
a birthday bonus for my boy?
It's your birthday.
Happy birthday.
Every day is a gift.
This is yours.
[birthday man] Thank you.
[chuckling]
Hit it.
[disco music]
Baby,
it's a silly birthday
Oh, yeah, another year older
Yum, yum,
so eat some fucking cake
Baby, we ain't got to wait,
so we might as well say
Oh, oh,
look at this guy go
-Cake!
-It's made with love
It's got sprinkles
on the top
A candle that'll pop,
like this song
Happy birthday,
Burgers Now
Fucking damn, Burgers now
Oh, oh, songs not over
I know you want more,
you sexy little whore
Oh, yeah, so baby, get vulgar,
you ain't getting younger
You old piece of shit
Happy birthday,
Burgers Now
Fuck yeah, Burgers Now
-[loud pop]
-Wow!
Thank you. I--
I really needed that.
The Department of Gun Ubiquity
is pleased to announce
that the purchase
of an approved firearm
now entitles the gun owner
to medical coverage,
dental coverage,
mental health coverage,
an allowance
for a gym membership,
an allowance
for meditation courses.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
-George.
-Kent.
Is Annie doing okay?
Oh. She is remarkable.
A month later
and she is already on her feet.
She's an inspiration.
Light of my life.
Nice flowers.
[Kent] Thank you.
Picked 'em out myself.
Trying to diversify.
I'll take the sunflowers.
[Kent] An assorted bouquet?
Sure.
[quiet music playing on radio]
And rat poison.
Had an infestation a while ago.
Ended up with a barn cat.
Still better than
any product on the market.
And you could save a life.
Adopt.
Has that always been there?
It's mandatory
that all businesses
display their firearms
ever since
they got rid of health ratings,
fire codes,
and occupancy guidelines.
-Oh, yes.
-[phone rings]
Oh, uh, excuse me.
Kent's Korner Store.
Kent speaking.
How may I help you?
Um, it's for you.
-Who is it?
-Jack and Associates.
I'll call them back.
He'll call you right back.
-They're rather angry about--
-Hang up the phone, Kent.
Apologies. You just missed him.
-Jack and Associates, huh?
-Telemarketers.
-Brutal.
-Relentless.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
All right,
let's get back to business.
[Kent whispering]
Perfect. Okay.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
George.
-You just missed him.
-What did he get?
He's got a heavy tab, my friend.
What did he get this morning,
just now?
Uh, a bouquet of flowers
and rat poison.
And a lotto ticket, naturally.
-Were they sunflowers?
-They were.
Annie almost dies
in a freak parachute accident,
and now George
is buying rat poison
and my wife's favorite flowers?
Okay, this isn't some
crazy conspiracy--
Gemma's cheating on me, okay?
I-- I know it.
I'm not gonna defend
George's character, but--
Would you stand aside if
you knew who the other man was?
Can you say for certain
George is the other man,
despite his deeply selfish
and destructive personality?
I know I'm right.
I know I'm right.
-[doorbell dings]
-[door shuts]
Now would be
a good time to help.
[intriguing music playing]
[dog barking]
Fresh flowers
for the light of my life.
-I'm allergic to sunflowers.
-Are you?
You knew that.
How about some
lasagna for dinner?
-I have plans.
-[George chuckles]
I'm treating you
to a home-cooked meal,
flowers and lasagna.
I'm being romantic, darling.
-George?
-Hmm?
I made plans.
[shouting] Can't you at least
pretend to love me?
You're supposed to be
an actress.
George...
I'm making you dinner.
-I have--
-Let me be a good husband.
You're scaring me.
-It's lasagna.
-George, stop.
It's flowers and lasagna.
-Stop walking.
-Beautiful, Annie.
-George, stop!
-Wow! Wow! Wow!
[Gemma] Annie!
She's not here.
I was supposed to pick her up.
What did you do?
Uh, I--
-I couldn't tell you.
-Hmm.
Wait, let me text her.
Well, I'm fucking starving.
Um, I was gonna make lasagna.
Hmm. Enough for two?
[tense music]
Nice to be away from them,
isn't it?
Almost feels like I'm alone.
Ah, paradise.
Nice to be away from them,
isn't it?
Almost feels like I'm alone.
Paradise.
[laughter on TV]
I told you
I was having dinner at Annie's.
[Mikey on phone]
How's it going?
Good.
-[George laughs]
-[Mikey] Who is that?
-George.
-[Mikey] I...
thought you were
having dinner with Annie.
Yeah, we were supposed
to have dinner,
but she left and she isn't
answering her phone.
-[laughter on TV]
-[Gemma laughs]
-[Mikey] Gemma.
-Look, I'm having
an impromptu dinner
with George, okay?
I'll talk to you later.
Jesus Christ.
Well, you missed dinner.
Time for me to turn in.
Good night, George.
-Uh, where were you?
-Hiding.
Fame getting to you?
No, no, I think
George is trying to kill me.
Mikey kills me every day.
He tried to poison me
with lasagna.
I ate the lasagna.
Do I look dead?
Can I just-- can I just stay
with you for a little while?
Oh, Annie, I love you, I do,
but the place is cramped
for two people.
And it's almost
too small for Mikey now.
Yeah.
You really think George
is smart enough
to kill you
and get away with it?
He went to Bloward.
Well, there's little
evidence of that, so...
Uh, I mean, look, you could--
you could divorce him.
No, he'd take
half of everything.
Wait, you didn't sign a pre--
No, he didn't think
it was a good idea.
Are you out of your mind?
You let him talk
to you into a marriage.
You're fine, okay?
It's--
it's George, you know?
It's-- it's George.
Okay?
All right, I love you.
You call me
if you need me, okay?
-Okay.
-You're gonna be fine.
Bye.
-George?
-[scissors clatter on ground]
[Annie sighs]
[sobbing]
Wow.
Wow.
[crying bitterly]
[grunting and groaning]
[laughing]
[romantic music]
[girl laughing]
[girl thuds on ground
and screams]
Do you fucking hear me?
[Tod] Yes, ma'am.
[Lucy]
And where were you yesterday?
Coffee and a slice of apple pie.
Uh, you're supposed to be
on the clock.
Coffee and a slice of apple pie.
Make it two of each.
Lucy...
-What do you think you're--
-You'll speak when spoken to.
I'll just ask.
I'll just come out and ask it.
Why do you torture me?
I want you to show me
that you want to be here.
-You abuse me.
-You like it.
-And you're well paid.
-Don't.
This is my place.
I run it how I want.
Mommy built it, no?
You need this place.
You need me.
[Lucy on speakers]
I want you to show me that
-you want to be here.
-[George] You abuse me.
[Lucy] You like it.
And you're well paid.
[George] Don't.
-Well paid.
-Legal wage.
Record me all you want.
I'll be fine. You know that.
Maybe life
isn't about public opinion
so much as it is
about one person
deciding something irreversible
should happen to you.
Hmm. I'll be damned, Mikey.
Well done.
-George, please.
-"George.
George, please."
What does "George" even mean?
"George."
It stopped sounding
like a word after a while.
George. George.
[laughing]
George got good grades
so he could get into college.
George...
did well at Bloward,
so he could get a good job.
I did have them too.
In the city. Did you know that?
Yeah, the city.
Me.
I was a part of it.
Can you picture that, huh?
Me, fancy cocktail parties.
My business card out just so.
"Take me, take me."
Little bits of me
stuffed into important wallets.
Then there was Annie.
Always in my ear.
Hmm.
"We should start a family.
We should move to the suburbs.
Maybe we'd be happier."
You know something, Lucy?
That woman has a lot...
of life in her.
She was--
she was always destined to--
to make something of herself.
She-- honestly, she...
she sees life as a-- as a--
kind of-- of, uh, opportunity,
an invitation...
to be someone.
It's infuriating.
And she has suppressed that.
For me, for-- for so long.
So long.
Honestly, is she--
she didn't want to,
she shouldn't have, uh,
hitched her cart to this donkey
'cause I am...
who I've always been.
[exhales sharply]
You wouldn't understand that.
No.
You're a child.
I wasn't happy in the city.
I lived well beyond my means.
I still wasn't happy.
I'm not happy now.
I have been alive
long enough to know...
that I never will be.
Nothing I ever do
will live up to
who I think George should be.
I played my part.
I've stayed on track.
And now I'm j-- I'm--
I'm building up quarters.
Have you been to the Bahamas?
I'm going tonight.
[cutlery clattering]
Um, Lucy, um...
I really mean this, okay?
I hate you.
I hate you more that hate.
I hope you die early...
slowly...
and alone.
Can I get a deal on that?
Annie doesn't want one,
so it would have to be quiet.
I can't do the paperwork.
Why do you need it?
Protection.
All these freak accidents, um--
[chuckling]
I'm a little jittery.
I'll be fined, and so will you.
What's a little fine
at this point, Kent?
You're a good person, George.
Aren't you?
Absolutely.
I have never felt more hinged.
[ominous music]
Can I use your bathroom?
Ah, there's something
wrong with the loo,
-my friend.
-What's going on?
Water just keeps
rising and rising.
Okay.
Rising...
[Kent] Don't worry, George.
I'll manage.
I don't know how these work.
Engineering was my third major
at Bloward University.
Since in the blueprint as part
of an internship application.
Didn't get the job.
Never saw a cent of profits.
Could you imagine
the kind of money that is?
I'm not bitter.
Just to know that they've helped
people is [indistinct] enough.
Oh, um,
and I'm sorry
to do this so callously,
but I added the [indistinct].
A little over $40,000.
I don't blame you.
I don't blame you
for not believing in me
when I asked you to open a store
with me all those years ago.
I don't blame you for begging me
to let you in on it
once you saw it was a success.
It-- it was my investors
that wouldn't allow me
to do that.
-[toilet flushes]
-I felt terrible.
I tried to do right, but I--
I know things
haven't been easier.
But I'm here for you, George.
I consider you a friend.
And I value my customers
and my friends equally.
So consider yourself
double valued.
Coming out now as a friend.
And I hope in turn
to be met with a friend.
[door creaks and slams shut]
Motherfucker.
[Gemma chuckling]
Wait, wait, wait, wait!
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Mikey on phone]
What are you doing?
I told you I was having dinner
with Annie tonight.
-[Mikey] Again?
-Yes.
What are your plans till dinner?
Are you at work?
Yes.
[Mikey]
I'm coming to your office.
-I made a pie for you.
-I don't eat pie, Mikey.
A nice midday surprise
for my baby?
I'm-- I'm--
I'm out of the office.
You just said you were at work.
Well, I-- I am.
-[Mikey sighs] What's going on?
-Nothing.
-[man sneezes]
-[Mikey] Who is that?
Uh, no one.
[Mikey]
That was a man sneeze.
Don't be hysterical, Mikey.
It's unbecoming.
[Mikey] Hysterical?
Are you cheating on me?
You're cheating on me.
-I know who it is.
-[line beeps]
He does?
[dog barking]
[phone ringing]
Hello?
[Gemma on phone]
Mikey knows about the affair.
I'll pack a bag.
Come here
and we can leave them together.
We could just
fucking leave them.
[Gemma sighs] I'm sorry.
I never told you.
-I didn't think--
-Didn't tell me what?
[Gemma sighs] I'm pregnant.
Gemma?
[Gemma] I'll make its life hell
without even meaning to.
Hey, um...
come quick, okay?
-[Gemma] Annie...
-Just get in the car, Gemma.
Get in the car.
[groans]
[floor creaking]
[can hisses open]
[choughs]
[can hisses open]
[sighs]
[newscaster on TV]
Kent's Korner Store
was the site of a robbery
tonight and Kent,
the proprietor, was murdered.
Point-blank shotgun
blast to the face.
Authorities obtained
security footage,
which we are obligated
to show you.
[announcer on TV]
Up next, the lottery.
But first, a word
from our sponsor, Triceraglocks.
[Annie on TV]
It's me. Triceraglocks.
Bang, bang. [chuckles]
The ticket
to Target Island is...
-[gunshots bang]
-...your very own
Triceraglocks!
That's right.
For just $3.99, you can...
-[gunshots bang]
-[glass shatters]
-[exhales sharply]
-[body thuds on ground]
[upbeat music playing on TV]
[host on TV]
And now, the lottery.
An tonight's
winning numbers are...
five.
Nine.
Fifteen.
Twenty-one.
And the lucky number...
-Thirty!
-[gunshot bangs]
Congratulations to the winner.
-[screaming]
-[gunshot bangs]
[Annie grunting]
[Annie panting]
[Annie panting, gasping]
[George wheezing]
Wow.
[upbeat electronic music]