Troop Zero (2019) Movie Script

Last summer, Mama gave me
this flashlight to signal the aliens.
She said, "Of course
theres life out there.
Now go outside."
But now its just me and yall,
the aliens of the universe,
so if you can hear me...
I am Christmas Flint, human female.
I think youd like me.
I think youd want to be my friend.
Dang it.
And I dont want no ketchup stains
- on those pages again.
- Yes, maam.
Mama believed that sound waves
travel out into the universe.
She said that if I ever got lonely,
I should just send my message out.
All right, give me the ball.
- Uh-huh.
- Here you go.
Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law.
- What it is, boss?
- What it is, boss.
Now, now, hold up, Joe Frank.
Im your attorney.
Yeah, you got to listen to me.
Not about the property line now.
That is a big tractor, Joe Frank.
Id advise you get out of the way.
This is legal advice.
You not hungry?
No, Im talking to the dog.
Hey, Im just trying to save your life.
Thats the boss man.
Hes my dad.
Damn it.
Hes doing his best.
It aint his fault he loses so much.
- Where are my pants?
- Since Mama died,
hes been losing everything.
Boss, when were done talking,
you think our words travel
out into the universe forever?
I sure as heck hope not.
I swear...
Im gonna pop somebody,
I dont get my damn money.
Miss Rayleen?
I got to go down,
take care of Joe Frank in Live Oak.
Where are your pants?
You 400 in the hole, and you talking
- about Joe Frank.
- Now, listen...
Thats Miss Rayleen.
Shes an intergalactic warrior.
You know what? You the boss,
but you a broke-ass boss.
But she crash-landed here,
working for my dad
instead of going to law school.
Aint nothing wrong helping somebody.
Still, shes the smartest person
- youre gonna meet.
- We can discuss this later.
I got to find my pants. You move my pants?
I dont have anything to do
with your pants.
Mr. Ramsey, hi. I cant pay you yet,
but I brought you some avocados.
- Avo-what?
- A-Avocados.
Its the good Lords way
of saying "mayonnaise."
Uh, well get your payment soon.
You dont need no mayonnaise.
You need some money. You know how much
you have in your bank account?
- I do. It aint pretty.
- You pay... Th-Thank you, miss.
You pay her no mind.
- Everybodys doing their best.
- Im going to the deck.
Im doing my best
not to whup your ass.
Boss... h-hold up.
Got to make contact, though.
I know you aint walking around
looking like that.
Take that off.
Look at that hair.
People gonna think
you were raised by wolves.
| Oh, yes |
| Im the great defender... |
- What it is, boss?
- What it is, Dwayne.
What it is, Miss Rayleen?
If it aint $200 for the petty theft,
- I dont want to hear it.
- That can wait.
Im gonna need his services, actually.
Lets go. Prepare to fall out.
Joe Frank got himself
arrested again.
We got to go bail him out.
Hey, there are my pants. All right.
People aint got no sense.
Boss, dont you touch
that hair! Youll mess it up!
You be a real sweet, go grab me a beer?
Now, I know you already
offered one to Mr. Dwayne.
- Isnt she sweet?
- Just like her mama.
I cant do it.
Hey. What the hell?
Whyd you say that?
Now, now, now, now, now, now.
Like this, boss.
Thats how it go.
King of Beers. Clink it up.
King of Beers.
Mmm. Tell you what.
You dont back down till you
reach them aliens, huh?
Give me that.
Maybe they can come down here
and babysit or something.
Sir, yes, sir.
All right.
Uh, all right, come on, Fluffy.
Yall have a good time.
- Whoop!
- Dwayne, fall out!
Miss Rayleen?
Can you help me get
my flashlight brighter?
You going up on that deck again?
Mm, I dont know.
Dont you have any girlfriends?
- I got you.
- Uh-uh.
Im not a friend. Im a grown-up.
Then I guess nah.
What about that little sparkly friend?
His daddys making him football-practice.
God help that boy.
Nobody at school?
They all say I pee myself,
even though I dont.
No. No, no, no, I know.
Whats that?
Its a curler.
Whats it for?
Make your eyelashes look longer.
Miss Rayleen?
You think I could be part alien?
I worry about you, Christmas.
Do you want to watch
The Outer Limits later?
Im sorry, boo, but Im busy tonight.
When Mama died, everyone said
all kinds of different stuff.
Shes in Heaven.
Shes here with me but invisible.
The boss man says
she got turned into stars
and comets and meteors,
and I think thats whats true.
I think shes stars
and comets and meteors.
I would like to introduce
this bill of sale as Defense Exhibit A.
Thats what I would do, too.
Were involved
in something more frivolous.
Well, there are those of us
who still side with the establishment.
Case dismissed.
Go! Go, run, run, run!
Hey, get them legs up! Get them legs up!
Yeah! All right, now zigzag. Zigzag.
Zigzag. Serpentine. Yeah!
They aint gonna catch you
if you serpentine. All right.
Good hustle. All right.
All right, now go long,
go long. Go, go, go.
I want you to tell Joseph
it gets better for people like us.
For the ones with no mamas.
Or the girl boys
and the falsely accused bed wetters.
Hey! Hey.
- But you might have to lie.
- Thats all right.
Come on, bring it back in.
Bring it back in.
Hustle, hustle, hustle, hustle.
- Are we done yet?
- Give me the ball.
All right, now, you got to be faster.
- You have got to be fast.
- I dont need to be fast.
- No, youre gonna be faster.
- Joseph.
Ive been watching you.
Youre gonna have to learn
to run fast as all hell.
Right? All right. So go long.
Set, hut!
Okay, turn around.
Hands up. Back up.
- Here we go!
- | I say a little prayer for you |
| Im combing my hair now |
| And wondering what dress to wear now |
| Wear now |
| I say a little prayer for you |
| Forever and ever |
| Youll stay in my heart... |
- Run!
- Its Hell-No!
Lets get out of here!
Tax day. Im yall tax collector.
Give me yalls tax!
Youd be advised
to stay the hell away from Hell-No Price.
Hey, Betsy-Wetsy.
- Its not true.
- It dont matter.
Come on, just run.
Hey! I will hunt you down!
Shes got the ferocity
of a T. rex and twice the appetite.
Hell-No Price, I heard
she done ate her parents.
Get down here!
I said get down here!
- Crap.
- You got to pay.
You dont got tax...
Smash attacks.
- We aint coming down.
- Nah.
We aint got candy. We aint got nothing.
Come on. Well get em later.
| For the sake of all mankind |
| We pity the less lucky ones |
| The weak and the begrimed |
| Those that good fortune left behind |
| Be brave, be true |
| In everything you do... |
Beware of
nasty Principal Massey.
She grew up right next door
to Miss Rayleen.
She pretends shes better than everybody.
Good afternoon, Birdies.
Good afternoon, Miss Massey.
Have we got a treat for you today.
Whos excited for some Jamboree?
Whos excited for some winning?
And this year,
I know were gonna bring home
that trophy like always.
Otherwise, yall gonna be
staying in Marietta.
Im playing.
Im playing.
theres something special
happening this year.
An opportunity for all of us
to be a part of science.
Hi. Hi, everybody.
This is Doctor... Pers...
- Persad.
- Persad.
- All the way from NASA.
- Hello. Hello.
Raise your hands if you like
to think about outer space.
Theyre girls.
Thats okay, huh.
You know, someone who loves to think
about outer space is our president.
- Oh, my.
- He has sent some of us
on a mission across the Earth.
We are putting together a record of life.
A record?
Yes. The Golden Record.
The greatest hits of planet Earth.
An account of all of us
to be launched into space.
- Ooh.
- But I dont want to go to space.
Hush up, precious. Shh, shh.
We are recording people
from all over the world,
giving greetings
in their native languages.
If there is a chance there is other life,
there is a chance someone will hear this.
Theres no such things as aliens, though.
Piper, please.
Dont interrupt.
Our president is a humble man
from Georgia,
so why not a little girl
from somewhere like...
- Wiggly.
- Somewhere like Wiggly
be the keeper of our immortality?
Thats quite a job.
Well, um, I appreciate your time.
A group of us will be there
at the Jamboree.
We are looking forward
to recording the winners.
All right, lets go get changed
into our Jamboree costumes.
Come on, get going!
Lets bring home the gold
like we do, right?
- Christmas!
- Ow!
Why you always got to be
the one in the front, Piper?
- I got more badges than you...
- Piper! Hold up!
So why dont you
pour yourself a big old glass
- of hush up.
- Hey. Hey.
Hey, Piper.
Do yall smell something?
Did somebody pee on themselves?
I want to be a Birdie Scout.
I want to go to Jamboree.
Go run into trees, bed wetter.
- Im not a bed wetter.
- Yes, huh.
Shell get the uniform nasty.
Youll get the uniform nasty.
I just said that.
I can be good for you.
I know stuff about space.
I could help you win.
Jamboree is a talent show.
The best of the best.
Is that you, or is trash you?
Why yall so mean to me?
I dont know.
Just feels right.
Im at the top, and youre at the bottom.
Its just how we was made.
Go, go, go.
Open the locker!
Does this mean Im in?
Aint that some shit.
Greetings from planet Earth.
I am Krystal Massey.
And, um...
There we go.
And I wish you great tidings
and great joy.
I do.
Aliens out there.
Oh, look, its Christmas.
Bless your heart.
Im gonna tell you something, precious.
When we get put in a locker, its because,
one way or the other,
we got ourselves in there.
- You understand?
- No.
Oh, Christmas Flint.
We just dont know about you, do we?
Youre sweet, but we just dont know.
Oh, my God, I love your hair.
Its so different.
- Yeah.
- Its abstract.
Youre abstract.
I want our band name to be Gemini.
We can dress in that shiny plastic.
Shiny plastic?
What the hell happened to your hair?
Fell off, I guess.
You look ferocious, boss.
Nothing more important than that.
She didnt do this herself.
- Who did this?
- No one.
Just tell her she looks nice.
Whats wrong with yall?
Whys she letting people cut on her hair?
She aint letting nobody do nothing.
- Clarification, boss.
- Overruled!
Thatd be the judge.
You tell him Im on my way, all right?
Oh. Come on, Fluffy.
Can you make sure
she got something to eat?
I aint got time for no children!
- And I aint her mama.
- Come on there, boss.
There you go, Fluffy.
Ramsey Flint, attorney-at-law.
| Have a little song |
| Wont take long |
| Sing it right |
| Once or twice |
| Oh, Lordy, me |
| Didnt I shake, sugaree? |
| Everything I got
Is done and pawned |
| Everything I got
Is done and pawned. |
See that?
Theres gonna be
a meteor shower this year.
It only happens every 60 years, and...
that means I can make contact.
There aint no one up there.
And if there is,
your shabby-ass flashlight
aint gonna get it.
You ever actually seen Aretha Franklin?
Im gonna get on that Golden Record.
Im gonna get on that Golden Record!
Joseph, we funna be Birdies.
What? Im not a girl.
Well, theres nothing in the whole book
that says you have to be. I checked.
We need a dance for Jamboree
so we can win.
Youre over your limit.
You can only get one more.
Hey. If I make that dance,
we funna win.
We funna win.
Go on, get out of here.
| Well, you rock my soul
Down in the bosom... |
We need a minimum of four scouts
so that we can make a troop
and I can get my voice on that record.
| He rocks my soul |
| Down in the bosom of Abraham... |
We have two weeks to find
Birdies with special skills.
| Whoa, rock my soul |
| Why dont you rock my soul |
| Wont you rock my soul |
| Down in the bosom of Abraham... |
Were looking for girls
with talents that have to be
useful in some way.
| Down in the bosom of Abraham |
- Mm-mm.
- | Mm-hmm, oh, yeah... |
But Id settle for anyone
whod say yes to me.
| Whoa, rock my soul... |
Have you been saved?
Thats Anne-Claire.
Loves her Jesus.
She aint got but one eye.
Have you been saved?
- Sorry.
- Do you want to help
the most poorest,
struggling fools of the Earth?
Were gonna leave a message
for the aliens.
Let me ask.
Dear Lord Jesus,
um, do you think this is a good idea?
The Birdie manual says
we need girls with grace
and virtue to lead us to glory.
But I think we need Hell-No Price.
Papa gave it to me.
Bubblegum. My favorite.
Hell-No Price.
I made you an avocado sandwich.
What the hell is this?
Its Gods way of saying "mayonnaise."
Get that nasty away from me.
Heads up, bed wetter.
Were coming for you.
Let me help you.
No, get away from me. Im fine.
That was real nice of you.
I aint doing this cause Im nice.
Just like to fight.
Using you as bait.
Now, go away.
I started
a Birdie Scouting troop.
Youre fast, and youre smarter
than everybody.
You could help us and be invaluable.
I dont need to be invaluable.
Oh, dont you want a chance
to leave a message
for the aliens in the future?
Or at least earn some badges?
- Hell no.
- But theres a record
they funna send into space.
Smash is like the universe.
Easy, Smash. Go play.
Full of gas and mystery.
youre like a human volcano.
I see you walking around,
fixin to explode all the time.
I always wonder,
what that girl think about?
So, what do you think about?
Blowing everything to kingdom come.
How were all headed for the boneyard,
so whats the difference.
Burning everything down
so I dont have to look at nothing pretty,
cause none of that for me.
By us standing together and saying,
"We should be here forever,"
and winning it over them,
thats burning their whole nasty operation
right to the ground.
- Hmm? Hmm?
- Not right now, Smash.
Smash gets to come, too.
All right.
Smash get all the cookies she wants.
You know I aint your friend, right?
Yeah, I know that.
Birdie manual says
every troop needs a Troop Mother
who will show us how to be
shining examples of womanhood.
Whatever that means.
My client could not have been
present the night in question,
because we have receipts from Winn-Dixie
that prove he spent the night shopping.
He was shopping for
lighter fluid for 20 minutes.
Its right here on the receipt.
I swear, you men and arson.
Why you feel like
you have to set things on fire
every time you have a problem?
Thats our way.
Life comes at you hard,
you set it the hell on fire.
Aint that right, boss?
- Miss Rayleen?
- Yeah?
- I need something.
- Welcome to life, sugar booger.
Will you lead us to glory?
Hell no.
Prize is you get to leave a message
for the aliens on the Golden Record,
- with Mozart and them.
- What?
Now, ho-hold up, hold up.
Id be the representative of
all the children on planet Earth.
So, like, our music for aliens?
- Some of our music.
- Johnny Cash?
- Waylon?
- No.
Gram Parsons? Rolling Stones?
No, more like Beethoven and them.
Well, then Im not interested in space.
I dont care for that at all.
Yeah, well, I care.
Theres some other life out there,
and they funna know me.
- It-itd be office hours.
- You already owe me back pay.
Well, Ill get it. Ill get it.
I mean, aint my fault everybody guilty.
Aint my fault you cant
get people to pay you.
Joseph already started
our choreography, though.
No. No, sir.
I dont get on good with little girls.
I do arsonists, murderers
and state prosecutors.
Little girls give me the creeps.
Plus, you cant hit em no more.
They changed the laws.
All right.
"Lead us to glory." I like that.
And it wouldve been good
for you to be around other girls, boss.
Lord knows I raise you like one
of them hillbillies next door.
Youll be doing dip
if I dont take some action.
Miss Rayleen, take your
office days down to two.
No. Hell no.
Im the boss man.
You the leader of the Birdies.
Me and Fluffy,
we gonna go and try and get paid.
Here you go.
Fall out, Fluffy.
I dont do nothing half-ass.
I dont want to do anything
with half an ass.
You know youre just setting yourself up
for your little heart to get broke.
No, setting myself up
to change my whole life.
He forgot to open
the damn beer can.
Rayleen Mosely?
Hi, Krystal.
Its been a minute.
Since, uh...
Pavo Possum Fest.
Well, hey. Sure is nice to see you.
And are you a... are you a mama?
Im the Troop Mama.
For real?
- Are you playing?
- I dont play. You know that.
They cant be Birdies.
- Why not?
- Because these children
are not...
Because Birdies have
a strict quality code.
My boos are quality.
And you think you can get these children
to follow these standards?
Does a fat puppy poot? I got this.
That kind of language isnt necessary.
All right, then.
Got to give you a number.
Oh, dear, well...
Huh. The only number left in
the state of Georgia is zero.
Isnt that sweet?
Perfectly appropriate.
Yes, precious.
Zeros the number of infinity.
Is that right?
- Yeah.
- Well...
Troop Zero, welcome to Birdie Scouting.
I dont know if you thought
this was gonna be easy.
Being a woman of substance is never easy.
Its not pageantry,
where you look pretty for the boys.
Its not 4-H, where you birth
a calf and call it a day.
Before youre taking care of your babies,
before youre
taking care of your husbands,
your old parents and whoever
else needs you to hold them up,
youre taking care of your troop.
Youre making sure youre all winners.
Each member is required to earn one badge.
Thats the bare minimum
to qualify for Jamboree.
You will earn them honestly...
No cheating... and if you earn em,
then you got a shot at Marietta.
So, welcome, Troop Zero.
Well see you on the other side.
If you make it out alive.
Im playing. Im playing.
Im not.
Come on, yall.
Come on. Dont take nothing.
Shell say you got it dirty.
- I will destroy you!
- Stop it! Stop it!
All right, all right.
Yall want to do this.
Hey, hey.
- Yall my Birdies now.
- He cant be a Birdie.
Cant be a Birdie cause hes half boy.
Cant be a football player
cause hes half girl.
No, maam, that would be a "no, maam."
We are sweet to each other.
Smash, get your finger out your nose.
Get the straw out of your mouth.
Hell-No, you get the straw
out of your mouth, too.
Put your foot down.
Joseph, welcome to the Birdie Scouts.
Smash, I dont care about the law.
Rayleen funna whup your ass.
Joseph is one of yall now, all right?
And we are gonna do the best we can.
- Yeah.
- Nah.
We funna lose.
This a bunch of losers and trash
- nobody wants.
- No.
We funna win.
Here we are.
Leftovers for the leftovers.
Im playing. Yall know I am.
For real.
Good luck with whatever
you find in this badge jar.
My girls have won almost every one.
Can you believe it?
Im sure theres something
in there for you.
I appreciate you.
- Mm.
- And lets see what we got here.
Whats that?
Dang, these are ugly.
Take it.
What the hell is this?
Oh, thats Survival in the Wilderness.
Can we have something
more in their ballpark?
I mean, "Dress-idge,"
that aint gonna work.
"Dressage" is the correct pronunciation.
Whatever it is, it aint gonna work.
- Ceramics. Table Settings?
- Hell-No.
- No.
- Just remind me,
what do they say about beggars again?
Im playing. Im playing.
Yall clean up this mess in here.
- These smell.
- Mm!
All right.
All yall got to do is win one badge each
to go to Jamboree.
So, it shouldnt be that hard.
Have yall ever won
anything in your lives?
All right, Troop Zero, lets just...
You know what? Lets just do what we can.
You too thick, wear the sash.
You dont want to wear
girl clothes, wear the sash.
You pee your pants, wear the sash.
- Just dont get any pee on it.
- I dont pee myself.
Yeah, thats just
in principle. Here.
Well, come on, now, Hell-No.
Come on. Even if yall dont win,
you got to show them that youre serious.
- Yall serious?
- Yes, maam.
All right.
Lets get this, my boos.
Cookie Selling badge.
Blood makes the grass grow.
Kill, kill, kill!
Come on. Come on.
- Come on.
- Lets do this!
- Lets go!
- Oh, Im a real-life Birdie Scout!
| Yeah |
| Lookin back on the track
For a little green bag |
| Got to find just the kind |
| Or losin my mind |
| Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight in the day |
| Lookin back on the track,
Gonna do it my way |
| Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight in the day |
| Lookin back on the track,
Gonna do it my way |
| Lookin back |
| Ah |
| Lookin for some happiness |
| But there is only loneliness |
| To find... |
Buy my cookies, Ray-Ray.
- I got to ask my mama.
- Theyre two dollars.
Two boxes.
Give me four dollars for my cookies
so I can be a woman of substance.
Now, Ray-Ray.
Do it.
Give that back.
Now, get out of here.
| Lookin for some happiness |
| But there is only loneliness... |
There, take some cookies.
Come on.
| Jump to the left,
Turn to the right |
- | Lookin upstairs... |
Would you like to buy
some delicious Birdie cookies?
- Youre not a Girl Scout.
- Its Birdie Scouts,
and we work on building communities
through strengthening ourself...
No. No. No.
Please? I get so scared
talking in front of strangers.
What kind of evangelist
does that make you?
Real bad one.
All right, well, just hold my hand.
| Out of sight in the night,
Out of sight... |
I funna puke, Miss Rayleen.
Dont puke before you get the money, boo.
- Hello.
- Hello.
Would you please...
give me some... some money?
Ill be happy to.
I used to be a Birdie myself.
| Lookin for some happiness... |
Is she gonna be all right?
Shell be fine.
Its good for the grass.
Come on.
| Jump to the left |
| Turn to the right |
| Lookin upstairs |
- There. Come on.
- | Lookin behind... |
Every little girl dreams
about getting married
and having their own babies.
Child Care badge prepares you
for the ultimate joys of motherhood.
Act right. Stop that.
Stop that.
- | Lookin for some happiness |
- Ow!
| But there is only loneliness |
- | To find... |
- Perfect trust falls.
What the hell they trying
to teach you, trust?
Try that in the real world.
Get up, now.
Get up.
Get going. Come on.
Dear Lord in Heaven,
be safe, be safe.
All right, I got you, I got you.
- Hey, dont mess this up.
- Right.
All right, I got this.
You better. I need this.
No, no, no.
No. No, no.
We never gonna get to Jamboree like this.
Shouldnt have taken them.
Theyre ruining everything.
Theyre even bigger losers than I am.
Oh, youre right.
Better for you to be back
at home watching Outer Limits
and me to be living my life in peace.
What? No.
Let me see them badges.
You got to work with what you got.
Special skills.
Beauty badge
was made for Joseph.
If he can make my hair less ugly,
he can make the world less ugly.
This is the time to say yes.
This is how I am.
This is what God gave me to work with.
And Im gonna make it beautiful
cause its mine.
All right.
| And Im so glad |
| I took the chance on you, baby |
| Hey |
| My friends all say
He dont play by the rules |
| So listen, dont you be no fool |
| Dont you know
Youre just a beginner |
| So look at me now |
| Im a winner |
| Oh, oh |
| Im a winner |
| Ooh, yes, I am |
| Ow! |
| Put that money down
And put them chips on nine |
| Ah, ah |
- | Ah, ah |
- | Ah, ah |
- | Ooh |
- | Ah |
| Im a winner |
| Yes, I am... |
Dang, son.
You survive nine more years of this,
youre gonna make a whole
bucketload of damn money.
Yes, maam.
Special skills.
All right, Christmas, whos next?
| I took a chance on you, baby |
| Oh, Im a winner... |
Got some inspiring words, Mr. Ramsey?
- Thank you, Miss Rayleen.
- Yeah.
When I was in
the United States Army
with Mr. Dwayne,
we used to run a course
like this twice a day.
And there were machine guns
going off over our heads.
We had bowls of rice
just once a day
just to get us through the hardships.
Not about the rice right now.
What Mr. Dwayne is saying
is life aint about winning.
I mean, it is for some...
For those who win.
But for the rest of yall...
the trick is to endure.
Not let the kicks and the nasty words
keep you down.
Then you wake up one day,
and youll be the last one standing.
Go get them Endurance badges, little boos!
Go! Come on.
Smash, pick up those feet.
Pick up your feet!
You go easy on my girl.
All right? You-you know she got
one leg shorter than the other?
That poor thing cant afford
to do nothing easy, and you know that.
- Come on!
- Come on, yall.
- Come on! Come on!
- Come on! Come on!
This badge was made
for Hell-No Price.
She eats obstacles for
breakfast, lunch and dinner.
Hell-No! Hell-No!
You done good, Hell-No.
Smash, I figure you take things apart,
you might be able
to put em back together.
Go on.
My boo!
That Smash will surprise you.
And I will, too.
Got to have one special skill.
This is almost impossible to mess up.
Even for you, Christmas.
Baking badge.
Bake a cake, get the badge.
Cant you just give me one?
- Are you a cheater?
- No, maam.
Oh, forgot the dang vanilla.
What the "H" yall doing?
Baking badge.
Why are yall playing like this?
Yeah, yall suck at being girls.
- Yall suck at being girls.
- Yeah.
- Why does she always do that to me?
- Its okay.
You aint even got no eye.
And you...
You aint even a real girl.
All of yall.
I dont get yall.
How do any of yall even get out of bed,
being so weird?
Shut up.
Whatd you say, girl boy?
I said, "Shut up."
And my names Joseph.
Call me Joseph like a normal person.
Youre not a normal person.
Dont talk about him like that.
Be sweet, Hell-No.
Were just doing our badge.
He didnt mean any harm.
He ours.
He our fellow Birdie Scout.
Hes a freak.
No, you are.
Just let her say what she wants.
Dont matter.
I need this badge, though.
It does too matter.
We funna win.
We funna get on that record.
Youre just one piece of dirt
on a bigger piece of dirt.
Were gonna last forever,
and youre just gonna wash away.
Oh, hell no.
Lets get em!
Act right, yall! Act right!
Holy mother...
Piper, stop!
Stop! You are sweet.
You are sweet!
Where are my young ladies?
Right here.
I have never seen
such delinquency, such a lack of hygiene.
Oh, the trash, the trash of it all!
And yall... yall were raised better.
Troop Zero...
you were so close.
You blazed through
all the badges on your level.
They sure in hell did.
- Theyre sorry.
- I aint sorry.
Starting fights, acting ugly.
Yall suspended.
Oh, come on.
Cant I just use the cafeteria
to get my Baking badge?
No, maam. No.
I cant even pretend
yall are cute anymore.
Its sad.
Sad, sad, sad.
And, my troop, yall are on thin ice.
Lets go. Get on out.
Piper. Come on, get.
And yall clean this mess up.
- Family special.
- Coming right up.
Think yall would be happier just doing...
I dont know... Bible school
or FFA or just watching TV.
Whatever happened to watching TV?
I cant give up.
I mean, there must be
one badge I can earn.
If yall even get to Jamboree,
which you wont, yall aint gonna win.
I mean, Im sorry, but...
I wish someone had told me that.
No Jamboree?
I made a dance, though.
I really want to tell yall
what you want to hear,
but this situation just aint salvageable.
Couldve been gone from here.
I couldve been famous.
I wanted to leave a permanent record.
We still can.
Quit it!
Smash, come back.
Calm down.
Smash, come back!
- No, come on!
- Come on, Smash.
This aint us.
This is some candy-ass,
B-grade version of us
cause we aint got nobody
- to show us how to be better.
- Hey!
Show us.
Be that one for us, please.
No one was that for me.
Yeah, well, it can be different now.
Its never gonna be different.
Your life is gonna be the same
as you are right now.
The sooner you learn that, the better.
That cant be true.
Cause Ill die.
You were running after her
- just the same.
- That doesnt mean
you can yell at her like that.
Will yall help me
with this window?
Sit down! Sit down.
One badge. One more badge.
Uh-uh. Give me that.
Surviving in the Wilderness.
Like Jesus.
Enjoy your suspension.
- Wow.
- Stay down, bed wetter.
We do not stay down
because they tell us to, Christmas.
That is a "no, maam."
- Smash get a snack break?
- Hunger is good for you.
You starving us. You putting us in danger.
Yall in danger every day.
We aint going into
the South Woods, are we?
Its time yall learned
to take it by the horns.
Smash, wait up.
I heard someone died in there.
Dont touch nothing.
What was that? Im ascared.
Will it be fast when I die?
Yall get ahold of yall selves.
Go. Go.
And its really cool
because the aliens, th-theyll hear us
because the sound waves,
they go out, out, out into the universe
until they hit something, then...
That is not how it works.
Yeah, it is. My mama said.
All right, now, yall.
We sleeping here?
Im not gonna sleep with Christmas.
She funna pee on me.
- I dont wet the bed.
- Yes-huh.
Yall stop acting ugly.
All right, my boos.
Its time yall earned
that badge fair and square.
You leaving us?
We funna die.
Ah, hell, hell no, I cant stay...
Hell yes, Hell-No.
And when yall wake up
in the morning, yall know that
you spent the night in the wilderness,
didnt no one help you.
What if we dont...
All right, prove em wrong.
Make me proud.
But what if we dont wake up?
Yea, though I walk through
the valley of the shadow of death...
I will fear no evil,
for thou art with me...
Its rockin WZPZ Rock.
Coming up, David Bowies "Rebel Rebel."
My dear and holy God.
| Youve got your mother in a whirl |
| Shes not sure
If youre a boy or a girl |
| Hey, babe, your hairs all right |
| Hey, babe, lets go out tonight |
| They put you down,
They say Im wrong |
| You tacky thing,
You put them on |
| Rebel Rebel |
| Youve torn your dress |
| Rebel Rebel, your face is a mess |
| Rebel Rebel |
| How could they know? |
| Hot tramp, I love you so |
| Dont ya? |
Can you see us better
when were together like this?
Is our signal stronger?
I think it is.
- Oh, Smash.
- Smash.
If there is wild animals,
I funna spit scuppernong seeds
in their eyes and blind them.
And then... then theyll
run off and be scared.
Theyll be the ones whos scared.
Cause Im not scared. Im not scared.
Youre out of the circle of protection.
I dont need it.
- Yes, you do.
- Nuh-uh.
- Yes-huh.
- Nuh-uh.
Its fixin to be a meteor shower.
Just... just go over there
and look for it.
Im responsible for you
not getting ate in the wilderness.
Now, come sleep with the rest of us.
I cant.
- Why not?
- Because.
And its not true
that I wet the bed, but...
if I did,
maybe, whenever I get
emotional or nervous,
and maybe thats when Id pee on stuff.
If I did, I wouldnt know why.
I used to wet the bed.
But if I did, Id be shamed.
How come you pee the bed?
- Cant help it?
- I dont.
But maybe if I did...
time was right after my mamas death,
and then I couldnt stop.
And so, you-you can just go, you know.
I leave, and you die
all alone in the wild,
covered in your own pee,
and youll miss every meteor shower
that will ever happen
the whole rest of your life
cause you be dead.
Im gonna tell you some scary
stories to keep you awake.
- Please dont.
- Too late.
One night, in the pouring rain,
a girl hears on the radio,
"Lock the doors.
Theres a maniac!"
And all that was left of her...
was her hand,
scratching at the door.
And when she came out,
she never spoke again,
and her hair was bright white.
- Bright white?
- Yeah.
Christmas. Christmas.
- What do you want?
- Get up.
Get up now. Now.
Think they might have been peacemakers
sent from-from the giant caterpillar?
Ah, something bit me.
There is no giant caterpillar.
- Yeah, there is.
- Yeah, there is.
No, there isnt.
How do yall believe in that?
Look what I found.
I brought scuppernongs.
- Hmm?
- Okay.
I want one.
- Three.
- Dont take all of them, now.
Give me some.
Anyone comes for you again,
Im gonna beat their ass
back to their gosh damn swamp shack.
Just come at them
with hair like that.
My boos! Yall did it!
Come on, get up.
You done it, Christmas.
There you go.
We funna go to Jamboree!
Yes, maam.
We got it, Miss Massey.
Were gonna go to Jamboree.
Praise the living Jesus.
And we funna win, too.
We funna dance.
Me and Christmas
made a dance thats amazing.
Yall have a lot to be proud of.
Yall do. Im not even playing.
Were gonna go.
- We are.
- Were going.
Oh, precious.
Youre not.
We are.
They dont have a legitimate troop leader.
Its so, so sad,
but what I discovered last night
when I consulted statute 12,
section eight of the Birdie Scout Code...
Here it is.
Troop Mothers must not have
any prior arrests.
And, Miss Rayleen, dont you have one?
- No convictions.
- For an incident
in which a gentlemans tires were slashed,
his trailer broken into,
and all his mounted deer heads
spray-painted pink.
- You cant prove it was me.
- It was you.
- Nuh-uh.
- Yes-huh.
That gentleman, if you recall...
And I think you do...
Was some fool named Yellow-Teeth Davis
that saw a lot of silly-ass girls
back in the day.
And the reason why
Yellow-Teeth Davis wasnt at home
when his trailer got broke into
is cause he was running around
with one or more of those silly-ass girls
instead of being
at my house like he promised
to pick me up to take me
to Bouttes Chicken.
And then I started wondering
what was wrong with me
that made him treat me like trash.
And then I waited so long figuring out
what was wrong with me
that I didnt go to law school
and I missed my whole life.
But lately, Ive been wondering,
"You know what, Rayleen?
Who cares what people want?
What do you want?"
So, from now on, my life is on me,
not some fool with crowded yellow teeth
that put dead deer all over his walls.
Its on me.
And I feel sorry for you, Miss Massey,
cause you gonna spend your whole life
trying to impress fools,
and you aint never gonna
be enough for them, either.
What ever happened to you, Krystal?
You a bad example.
This is my example.
Im going to law school,
you sad snake lady.
I dont like being like this.
I dont like being Nasty Miss Massey.
Yall will find life gets easier
if you dont want so much.
- Hey!
- "Hey" yourself.
Whatd you mean, law school?
I mean Im out. Im out.
I can see about law school.
I can see about a job.
You leaving me?
Theres no leaving you
if I was never with you.
Youre supposed to stay here with me.
How can you ask me to be there for you
when I was never there for myself?
So, is it over?
We find a new Troop Mama now.
Everyone we know got felonies.
There aint no one else.
Whyd you make me want it so bad?
I never wanted anything, and I was fine!
Whyd you do this to me?
I was happy before this.
I was happy before I thought
I could talk to anyone or be permanent.
Whyd you make me so unsatisfied?
Stay down!
You cant tell me to stay down!
Jesus wept.
- Get away from me!
- Dont leave me!
Why dont you just leave me alone!
We funna be permanent!
Youre a dang fool.
- Yes-huh.
- Nuh-uh!
No one ever chased me before.
Heres your damn sash.
Now, you said you borrowed it,
but you didnt say whether
they knew you borrowed it.
Do they know you borrowed it?
Now, hold up. Hold on.
These little boos need a mama.
Uh, Miss Rayleen, I aint their mama.
You are now.
Boss, you there?
Let me call you back.
You ask for the boss man,
the boss man steps up.
- Big Eddie, lets go.
- Joseph!
Sam, Buddy, Robby, lets go!
Miss Massey gonna learn a thing or two.
Nancy. Mary.
Lets go.
Yall gonna want to see this.
- | Oh, Lord, you know |
- Here we go.
| I can hardly wait... |
Look at that, boss.
- Hey, guys!
- Yeah!
Come on, fall out.
| I see those per-per-pearly gates |
| Ill walk dem golden stairs
When I die, when I die |
| Well, well, well,
Im gonna walk |
| Up dem golden stairs |
| Cause I know my Jesus
Answers all my prayers... |
Will you do the honors, Rayleen?
| To my home on high |
| Ill walk dem golden stairs
When I die, when I die. |
Principal Massey,
may I have a word, maam?
I aint got time for this, Ramsey Flint.
Listen, devil woman.
I read your rule book.
Nobody beat the boss man
when it come to rule books.
Nothing in that book say
the Troop Mother has to be female.
Therefore, I am proud
to be the Troop Mother
for Birdie Scout Troop Zero of Wiggly.
There are ways things are done, Mr. Flint.
What kind of world
would it be if every homely,
strange little girl
thought she could just go out
and do whatever she wanted?
To be laughed at
and humiliated and ruined?
Im helping them more than you do.
You think this was easy for me?
These are our girls. All of us.
Whole damn town of Wiggly.
I dont care how many eyes they got
or who wet the bed or...
if some of them debatable as girls.
They our Birdies,
and Im their Troop Mama.
You tell her, Ramsey.
How you gonna pay the $500 entry fee?
Son of a puppy.
It costs money to pay
for these judges time.
You got $500, Ramsey Flint?
You dont.
Because Ramsey Flint,
he just keeps on losing.
You know Id give you
the whole gosh damn
solar system if I could.
Yeah, I know that.
Mr. Ramsey?
I know Ive been owing you 50 for a while.
And this is for Big Sams legal fees.
And the broken furniture.
Buddys public... urination.
A-And Robbys truancy.
I-Im sorry it took me so long
to get it to you, Ramsey.
Thats all right.
You know what for.
- Yeah.
- Here you go, Ramsey.
Oh. Thank you.
- Heres mine.
- Thank you.
Ramsey, I got 17.
What you dont seem
to understand, Miss Massey,
Im the boss man,
and we going to the Birdie Jamboree.
And we funna kick everybodys ass.
- Good day, maam.
- Yeah, Ramsey!
- Lets fall out!
- Falling out.
All right, here we go.
| No more to roam |
| In the search of fortune and fame |
| The hand of fate... |
If its all gonna be okay,
will you please give me a sign?
Look, I know
one thing... yall funna win.
- Oh...
- No, I can feel it.
Thats gas. You eat like
you got a train to catch.
What if I lose in front of everybody?
Ah, so what?
Boss, get over here.
Yes, sir.
Sit here.
Boss, you know I lose
in front of everybody
- every day.
- Mm-hmm.
Sure as hell do.
When the judge says to me its over,
I go over to the prosecution,
and I shake their hand.
Give me your hand.
Cause that show them they may beat me,
but Im strong as hell,
and one day, maybe tomorrow,
Ill kick their ass.
But you still lost.
Yeah, boss, but its the principle.
- What?
- Forget it.
- You a little young for it.
- Christmas!
Not too long. Big day tomorrow.
Yall gonna win. I can feel it. I know it.
You know youre drunk again.
Youre drunk.
Yeah, he drunk as all hell.
- You drunk.
- Yeah.
And you the best damn employee I ever had.
Well, Im the only one that
hasnt stole from you, so...
You know, I-I dont want you
breaking my daughters heart.
Well, its gonna break
if she let one of those
nasty girls tell her who she is.
Well, now, that aint what I mean.
What do you mean?
You could, uh...
you could stay, right?
I cant.
Theres a spot at Emory.
I start in the fall.
Yeah. All right.
I-I know. I know.
Well be fine.
Well be just fine.
Come on.
Hurry up!
Come on, get on, get on.
Here you go, honey.
Here you go.
Here you go, baby.
- What it is, Dwayne?
- What you say, boss?
Whered you get that bike?
Dwayne, you are on parole.
Im gonna give it back. I...
Look, Im here for protection.
Yeah, I just, I just want to do
something nice, Miss Rayleen.
Dear God, blanket us with protection,
and I ask, God,
give these children
a long life with no fears.
And that you put the love
thats on your heart
unto my heart.
Shut your face up.
You dont know what you talking about.
See you in Marietta.
Hey, thats my motorcycle.
He stole that.
All right.
Here we are.
Prepare for battle.
I want yall to know that yall my boos.
And I wish I had yall around
when I was little and dumb and sweet.
Come on, we funna win.
We funna win! Come on.
"Hey" yourself.
Uh, if I was, um...
If I got on the record, Id be important.
And youd stay here with me.
Oh, God.
Im gonna be all alone again.
You are not alone.
- Yeah, I am.
- No...
And you dont need that record.
- Yeah, I do.
- No, you dont.
Whos smarter, me or you?
- You.
- Right now.
When you speak, it creates a sound wave,
and then it vibrates through the air,
and it keeps traveling out.
That means, if someones listening
for life on this Earth,
they gonna hear you.
Are you sure thats even true?
Shoot, no.
Probably not.
Probably all you can wish for
is someone fool enough to show up.
Hey, you want me to help?
I got it, I got it.
- I dont mind helping.
- I got it.
Now, the wings, you cant...
Hey, I dont want them to bend.
- Big Eddie, you got that?
- I got it.
- I-Im cool. I got it.
- All right. Im happy to help.
Hold on to that rocket, all right?
Coming down. Coming down.
- Lets fall out!
- Coming down!
We funna kick some butt today.
Slowly, slowly, slowly.
- Got it?
- Pull it on down.
I got it, I got it, I got it.
Oh, oh, oh, I aint got it.
I aint got it.
Dont touch.
Bed wetter.
All right. Troop Zero, Wiggly.
Precious. And you are?
Oh, uh, Ramsey Flint.
- Troop Mama.
- Oh.
Isnt that something?
Did yall bring your... your fees?
Oh. Of course I got it.
Yeah, thats part of Jamboree.
Yeah, there you go.
Thank you.
Im gonna need you to count that, please.
Well, we look forward
to seeing what you little girls
are made of.
Uh-huh. What is it, angel?
Were made of organs and tissues.
You guys got a latrine here?
Mm-hmm, we do have a latrine.
We have about eight latrines all around.
They are made for little girls,
so youre gonna have to squeeze in there.
I could just use the woods.
Do not use the woods. I repeat,
- do not use the woods.
- All right. All right.
Well, yall have some time to rehearse,
and then we will see you
over in the tent at 4:00.
Lets fall out.
See you by 4:00 for the show.
Fly, Birdies, to that tent,
cause at Jamboree, fun and talent abound.
Dont get too loose with that fun, though,
cause you are being judged.
Lets have a blast.
The tent at 4:00.
They are judging us. Do you understand?
Act right.
Welcome, Birdies, to Jamboree.
you have all worked so hard to get here,
and that work is not gonna stop now,
because this... this is the place
where were gonna see
the best of the best.
And who knows?
There may be a little bit of
international prestige
in with this as well.
Uh, Dr. Persad.
Young ladies are here on this Earth
to create beauty
wherever they set their feet.
So go on, now.
Show us your gifts.
Were gonna begin
with Troop 28 from Moultrie.
Lets do this.
Knock-knock. Whos there?
- The Holy Spirit.
- Amen.
Yall, get ready for Troop 17
from Alberta.
| Am I a soldier of the cross |
| A follower of the lamb |
| And shall I fear... |
The reigning champions of
Jamboree need no introduction.
Please welcome Troop Five from Wiggly.
You funna puke, Anne-Claire?
I get nervous in front of strangers.
Look, you funna puke,
just reach out, and one of us
will hold your hand, okay?
Whatever you do, dont lose the song.
We got this, boos.
Yall my boos.
All right, quit.
Funna give me lice.
How precious.
Oh, you still aint got no eye.
Well, you aint got no talent,
you snake from hell!
Come on.
Next up, we have a new troop.
A troop that is, uh,
a number that I didnt know
was a real number until today.
Please welcome, uh,
Troop Zero from Wiggly.
- Yeah!
- All right!
Come on!
| Ground Control to Major Tom |
| Ground Control to Major Tom |
Why are they singing?
| Take your protein pills |
| And put your helmet on |
- Is that a boy?
- Ten.
- | Ground Control |
- Nine.
- | To Major Tom |
- Eight. Seven.
- Six. Five.
- | Commencing countdown |
| Engines on |
- | Check ignition |
- One.
- | And may Gods love |
- Liftoff!
| Be with you |
| This is Major Tom to Ground Control |
| Im stepping through the door |
| And Im floating in a most |
| Peculiar way |
- Well, this is unusual.
- | And the stars |
| Look very different today |
Yeah, shes unusual.
| This is Ground Control |
| To Major Tom |
- | Youve really made the grade |
- GIRL: You stink!
- | And the papers |
- Get off the stage, you weirdos!
| Want to know whose shirts |
- | You wear |
- RAMSEY: Watch your mouth, girl.
One-eyed freak!
- Shh. Stop it.
- | Now its time |
| To leave the capsule... |
Hey, bed wetter!
Hes not a girl!
Huh-uh. Uh, s-stop that music.
Dont give up, boss.
Ew. That is disgusting.
Get off the stage.
You turn that back on.
- Turn that back on.
- Rayleen, stop.
My name is Christmas Flint.
I am a human female.
Sometimes I pee myself when I get nervous.
I dont know why.
I dont want to.
I just want to tell you...
I hope...
hope you live a good life.
And I hope you have a friend.
I hope you got everything I got.
| Ground Control to Major Tom |
| Your circuits dead |
| Theres something wrong |
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
| Can you hear me,
Major Tom? |
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
Oh, my God!
- They nasty!
- | Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
- They nasty!
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
No, no, no, no, no, no, no, no.
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
| Can you hear me,
Major Tom? |
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
| Can you hear me, Major Tom? |
Oh, my boos! Kill, kill, kill!
Solid gold!
Yeah! Thats my boy.
Oh, my beautiful Birdies.
We have seen some examples today:
of how to be...
and how not to be.
Yall, weve come to possibly
the most exciting part of the day.
Dr. Persad is gonna hand out the awards.
Here he is. Dr. Persad.
We were really touched by
the courage every troop showed.
It wasnt an easy call to make, because...
what does "the best"
even mean in the big picture?
Who decides whats good, whats worth it?
Who knows?
The winner of this years Jamboree...
and the troop whose voice
will go into outer space
is Troop Five from Wiggly.
Congratulations to our
ambassadors of the human race.
You all right, boo?
If theres life out
there, theyll know about you.
Thank you, and
congratulations to Troop Five.
You sparkly Birdies.
You sequined lovelies.
Oh, inspiring, inspiring.
How inspiring in all capital letters...
You gonna be okay, Christmas?
- Oh, heck yeah.
- Simply the best.
- You?
- And thats what were
working for here at Jamboree:
to be clearly the best
and to clearly beat everyone else here,
and they did it, yall.
Now, Mr. Persad, can you please record?
Can you give me a puff?
So, wholl come up
for the statement?
Whenever youre ready.
Greetings from the children
of planet Earth.
I hope you kick everybodys ass
in law school.
The human race
is beautiful and peaceful...
Hmm. Sure.
You will, though.
Tells you who we were.
Dont take shit from anybody.
Thank you, Piper.
What a perfect representation
of a Birdie.
That just warms up my heart.
No, you can finish it.
You always did.
And raise our voices in song.
Lets do that Birdie anthem, yall.
| Were good, were kind |
| Were sweet to those we find |
| Were beautiful and loving |
| For the sake of all mankind |
| We pity the less lucky ones |
| The weak and the begrimed |
| Those that good fortune left behind |
| Be brave, be true |
| In everything you do... |
What it is, boss.
Im proud of you, Major Tom.
I miss Mama.
I know Im not supposed to tell you that.
But I miss her.
Hey, um...
you can tell me anything.
Aint nothing you cant tell the boss man.
Id do anything if you could have her.
But its... its gonna have to
be just you and me, Christmas.
Just the way its got to be, I guess.
I wish I, uh...
I wish I could be better.
You and me...
were solid gold.
Were the King of Beers.
King of Beers.
Solid gold.
| Deep down in Louisiana |
- | Close to New Orleans |
- Ah, yeah!
| Way back up in the woods
Among the evergreens |
| There stood a log cabin
Made of earth and wood |
| Where lived a country boy
Named Johnny B. Goode... |
We didnt win,
but it dont matter none,
cause Dwayne stole
the trophies from Troop Five.
| Go, Johnny, go, go |
| Go, Johnny, go, go |
| Go, Johnny, go, go |
| Go, Johnny, go, go |
| Johnny B. Goode... |
Hot damn.
When all the signals
have been received,
maybe you will know about us.
Sound waves travel, right?
Think aliens have the same
petty standards that we do?
Hell no.
They gonna hear you.
They gonna hear you.
Go on.
Im here.
- Im here.
- Im here.
Here I am.
Im here.
Here I am.
I hope you always safe and warm
and dry and have foods always.
Nice, Hell-No.
I hope you have everything good,
in Christ Jesus name.
I hope you have Gladys Knight
and Aretha Franklin and Freddie Mercury.
I hope you got Mama.
I hope you keep her safe.
Now on,
you gonna be permanent.
You already are.
I am here!
- Im here!
- Im here!
- Here I am!
- Im here.
Im here, too.
Were here!
- Im here!
- Im here.
Were here!
- Were here!
- Were here!
We got on that record,
so I know youre gonna hear me.
What I want to say is this:
I hope you got friends like mine.
Like Hell-No, Joseph,
little Smash, and my boo Anne-Claire.
I hope you see us
for all our bursting treasure.
Me and Miss Rayleen.
Boss man and Fluffy.
Well be right here.
| Theres a starman waiting in the sky |
| Hed like to come and meet us |
| But he thinks hed blow our minds |
| Theres a starman waiting in the sky |
| Hes told us not to blow it |
| Cause he knows its all worthwhile |
| He told me,
Let the children lose it |
| Let the children use it |
| Let all the children boogie |
| La, la, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, la, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la, La, la, la-la |
| La, la, la-la... |
Hello from
the children of planet Earth.