Tschick (2016) Movie Script

Actually, I wouldn't be here
if it weren't for Tatjana.
Even though she had nothing
to do with the whole thing.
Is what I'm talking
about hard to follow?
Yeah, well, sorry.
Tatjana Cosic isn't
even part of the story.
The prettiest girl in the world
plays no part.
My vacation.
For summer last year
we went to the sea.
We were stuck in our rubber dingy.
The paddles were in the water.
It got pretty hot in the sun.
Luckily the coast guard got us out.
They rescued us. Thank God.
Put in some effort next time, Justin.
Sit down.
Who's next?
It's my birthday
in three weeks.
First Saturday of summer.
Party! There'll be an invite.
Love, Tatjana.
Vacation. Water. Rescue. God.
Maik Klingenberg.
Please come up.
Maik, sometime today.
My mother and the beauty farm.
By Maik Klingenberg.
I like my mother.
She's not like other mothers.
She can be very funny.
Most moms aren't.
My mother plays tennis.
She's the family tennis nut.
She won the club championship even
with a bottle of vodka in her system.
Need help, mom?
It's all right.
This conversation often comes up:
Mrs. Weber asks my mother:
Are you in the summer match,
Mrs. Klingenberg?
Don't worry.
I'll be gone.
Where to?
The beauty farm.
Then somebody at the table
who didn't know the phrase
always threw out the clever quip:
You don't need help with that,
Mrs. Klingenberg.
That's a joke.
It's a rehab facility.
We'd walk home hand in hand since
she was no longer capable of driving.
I carried her heavy racket bag
and she said to me,
"You can't learn much from me.
But two things you can learn:"
"First, you can talk about anything."
"Second, what others think
doesn't mean shit."
Quiet, please.
Thanks, Maik.
I'm not finished.
How much longer is it?
Six pages.
That'll do for today.
Was that funny to you?
It's your mother.
Did you think about that?
Your mother.
Do you get that?
I get that my mother is my mother.
Your story was the most
sickening, unsavory, and shameless
I've encountered
in 30 years of teaching.
You should rip these pages out.
I don't mean literally,
I mean think about what you've done.
Really think!
Quite clearly, I'd made a big mistake.
But I didn't know what I'd done wrong.
Wagenbach didn't tell me,
and I still don't know.
He told me to think.
But all I could think about
was Tatjana's birthday.
It was all anybody talked about.
I heard Tatjana's uncle is bringing
his own beer tap with 100 liters.
Wow! I already ordered
condoms on Amazon.
Word was that
everyone would be invited.
I tried desperately
to think of a present for her.
It had to be something special.
But I couldn't come up with anything.
And then I hit on an idea.
...the bankruptcy guy?
That jerk can kiss my ass.
Hey, Maik, there's a front door too.
Do you know what I'm going
to do to those eco-fascists?
I guess I wanted her to see
I put a lot of effort into it.
If you put in a lot of effort,
people guess why.
Good morning.
Come up front with me.
Ladies and gentlemen,
may I have your attention please,
we've got a new classmate.
His name is Andrej.
Tsch... Tschicha...tschoroff.
Would you like to tell us
about yourself, where you're from?
I don't care.
Okay, fine, I will then.
Or would you rather I not?
Go ahead.
So, Andrej...
Tschi-chow is
our new classmate's name,
and he's from
the vast expanses of Russia.
Right away I couldn't stand Tschick.
No one could.
Tschick was trash,
and he looked the part.
I had a rotten feeling about
him up there with Wagenbach:
two assholes for the price of one.
- ...now he's here at our high school.
And all that in just four years.
Isn't that something? Was that right?
- About 90% of it.
Well then, fine.
We can't have you up here all day,
as nice as it is chatting with you.
Please take the open desk
in the second row
next to Maik Klingenberg.
Laila, could you please
wipe the blackboard?
And so, everyone
take out their notebooks...
A scent wafted over
that almost knocked me over.
It was the smell of my mother
on a bad day.
Something just had to happen
after his performance with Wagenbach.
It was sure to be interesting.
But then nothing happened
in the next few days.
Then a week later,
we got our math test back.
Here Kevin, a D -.
I put mercy above justice.
A miracle happened!
One of you got an A+.
Not you.
You either.
Go to the board and show us
how you solved problem 2.
New shoes?
Stolen for sure!
- Hey, Putin!
Drunk as a skunk?
What do you want?
That fired up the rumor machine:
like that Tschick's family
was Russian mafia.
There was no other
explanation for how
he shut that fool down
with just few words.
This came for you today!
Then, on the last day of school...
For Justin.
I'd have been the happiest guy
in the universe
if finally an invite
found its way to me...
Hey, Maik.
Hey Psycho, give it here.
It's for me.
Maik Klingenberg.
Here you go.
Everyone had a little green invite.
Almost everyone.
Tschick didn't get one either.
Big surprise.
No invite for the psycho or the weirdo.
I completely forgot you!
Here's your invite.
I hope you can make it.
I'd be so disappointed if you,
of all people, couldn't make it.
I hope you thought of my present.
Of course, I can depend on you!
See you there.
I'm so happy you're coming!
Have a nice summer, Klingenberg.
Ultra kick-ass jacket.
- Your jacket.
I'll buy it.
It's my favorite.
Not for sale.
Where can I get one?
Hey, wait up!
Where are you going?
Did you get held back?
- Why are you shouting?
Did you fail?
- No.
Bunch of Ds, eh?
- No idea.
No idea?
If I'm bugging you, say the word.
I don't know.
You don't know if I bug you?
- I don't know if I got Ds.
I didn't look yet.
You didn't check your report card?
Way to play it cool!
What are you up to now?
- Going home.
And then?
- None of your damn business.
Hey Maik,
ultra kick-ass jacket!
I'm going back to
the beauty farm tomorrow.
Turn down the music.
I have a business meeting.
I'm being picked up soon.
How long?
14 days or so.
Is that all right?
I'll leave you 200 euros.
So you don't get into trouble.
Why do you hang in here?
We have a pool.
How much do you think it cost me?
I'm Mona.
What's your name?
It's hot, huh?
It's supposed to get hotter.
What are you doing for summer?
I'm staying here.
By yourself?
Don't feel sorry for this guy.
Maik, this is Mona.
We work together.
We just met.
If there's anything, call me.
During your business meeting?
Yes, during my business meeting.
Not on our property, bitch.
Don't get into trouble!
You look like a homo
whose garden got shat all over.
Did you steal that car?
No, just borrowed it.
I'll put it back later.
Lada Niva, runs on diesel.
What about finger prints?
- That's TV bullshit.
Go ahead, touch anything.
You want to go to jail?
- I'm only 14, man.
Criminal accountability starts at 15.
Come on, Maik,
let's go for a spin.
Kick-ass pool.
- Yeah, kick-ass pool.
Kick-ass jacket, kick-ass pool.
That's your kitchen?
Kick-ass kitchen!
You're not from Marzahn.
My father dragged us here
two years ago.
What's he do?
- Real estate developer.
Developers make that much money?
Not really.
What do you mean?
- My dad wanted to build houses here.
But they found three extinct bugs
and a rare frog.
So, no permit.
He only built this house.
It now belongs to the bank.
What's the frog called?
Anura rossomontana.
Man! I can't see you!
Are you in a tank?
I'm behind the barn.
In a pinch, go to the last safe spot.
You going to the party?
What party?
Tatjana's party.
Nah, don't feel like it.
I've got plans.
Besides, I'm not invited.
I thought I was the only one.
It'll be boring anyway.
Simla will be there.
And Natalie,
Laura, Corinna,
and Sarah with the big tits.
Not to mention Tatjana.
And Mia.
And sweet-ass Jennifer from class 8a.
And her cousin.
And Melanie.
Are you gay, actually?
- Are you nuts?
Because you don't care about girls.
The whole class is hot for Tatjana.
You're the only one
not staring at her ass, so are you gay?
You're an idiot.
It's no big deal.
Did you notice I'm in a bad mood?
Sure, but why?
Because it's today.
What's today?
- The party, duh.
Tatjana's party!
- A minute ago you didn't feel like it.
It's okay to be gay.
I'm not gay!
Want me to prove it?
You have feelings for her.
You gotta do something!
Do what?
Go to Tatjana and say,
"I have a little gift."
"I don't mind at all
you didn't invite me."
"No problem.
I was just passing by."
"Enjoy the drawing that
I just worked my ass off on."
That's exactly what I would do.
You didn't signal.
- Don't be afraid.
I drive like a champ.
- Then signal like a champ.
Everyone sees where I'm going.
We're not going to the party,
just driving by, okay?
Know why
Tatjana didn't invite you?
Because I'm boring and ugly.
There's no reason to.
You don't stand out.
You gotta get noticed.
Look, it's Lukas and Justin, retards.
We don't go in.
We said just drive by.
Please don't, Tschick!
Tschick, please don't.
It'll be fine.
Wait up!
A drawing.
For you.
Hey Tatjana!
Want a drink?
No thanks, we've got stuff to do.
Should I give them a show?
Should I?
- Do whatever you want.
Floor it!
That doesn't work every time.
See you tomorrow?
Okay, I'll be here at 10.
Kick-ass ride.
What if we just kept driving?
Where to?
I have a grandfather in Wallachia.
The middle of nowhere?
Not the middle of nowhere,
in Wallachia.
Wallachia is just a word,
like East Bumfuck.
Saying someone lives in Wallachia
means they live in the boondocks.
It isn't a place?
- But my grandpa lives there.
In the boondocks, really?
- You're getting on my nerves.
He lives in a place called Wallachia.
That's where we're going.
So, are you Russian? Or Wallachian?
German. I have a passport.
Yeah, but where are you from?
My family is from all over.
Volga Germans,
Kalmyks, Wallachians,
Jewish Gypsies.
Jewish Gypsies,
there's no such thing.
That's like saying
there are English French.
There are Jewish French
and Jewish Gypsies.
Either you're a Jew or a Gypsy.
Jewish is a religion. A Gypsy
is just someone without a home.
People without homes
are Berbers.
Yeah right, Berbers are carpets.
Lemme see!
Hey, that was expensive!
Any cocksucker
can find us with that.
Want to get scraped off the side of the road?
- Sense-less!
Don't we have a map?
No phone, no map!
We'll never get there.
- Maps are for pussies.
We just have to drive south.
Look at this guy.
Richard Clayd-erman.
Totally awesome.
You sure you're not gay?
Don't take the autobahn!
I'm not, I'm going south.
- Yes you are!
I couldn't see 'cause of the fog.
You assholes! What the fuck?
- He'll see you're only 14.
He's calling the police!
Tschick, exit!
- I forgot to turn on the lights.
Kevin Kurnyi!
You don't look like Kevin Kurnyi!
You look like a 14-year-old
with duct tape on your silly mug.
That's it.
It's perfect for around here.
Which way is south?
You do know that with a watch
you can tell the direction?
Here, aim one hand at the sun
and the other points north.
Then that's north.
Since when is the sun in the north?
- Right now.
Now look,
the sun rises in the east,
moves south and sets in the west.
It's never in the north.
Then it's daylight savings.
It doesn't work in summer.
Turn it back an hour.
But the directions don't spin around.
Maybe it's a gyrocompass.
A gyrocompass doesn't spin
like a gyroscope.
It spins with alcohol.
- You're shitting me.
I read it in a book.
A sailor breaks open the compass
'cause he's an alcoholic,
and then they all get lost.
The book was "The Sea Bear"
or "The Sea Wolf"...
You mean "Steppenwolf"
that's about drugs.
"Steppenwolf" is a band.
I'm going right.
I think Clayderman is dying!
This is good.
It's a dead end.
I'm not driving back now!
Tschick, what are you doing?
Drive your name!
My name?
- So we can read it on Google Earth!
Now snake around for the S.
This kicks ass!
You losers, get out of the way!
Farmer at 6 o'clock!
No, the farmer!
- Hurry, drive!
The cows are in the way!
- Just run them down!
Drive, go!
- I can't!
Tschick go!
- I'm trying!
Put the pedal to the metal, dude!
Loose him!
Drive! Drive!
Go, Tschick!
Lost him! Yeah!
- Gimme five!
We showed them!
Where are you going?
We've got to get the Lada
off the roads for a couple of days.
Dude, Transformers!
Got a can opener?
You brought cans
but no can opener?
What did you bring?
Frozen pizza.
Bring an oven?
Got a lighter?
Hold this.
Goal for Mario Gtze!
It's all over now!
Want to have a go?
That's crazy.
Way better than TV.
You seen "Starship Troopers"?
With the monkeys?
- No, bugs.
And the brain at the end?
The giant brain bug?
- Yeah!
Somewhere up there,
on one of those stars,
that's what's happening.
Actual bugs are slaughtering millions.
Nobody even knows about it.
Except for us.
Really think something's out there?
The chances are very slim.
But since it's infinitely large,
there's a good chance
even for the slimmest odds...
And somewhere there's a movie
that plays on Earth
about two kids who steal a car.
They all think it's sci-fi:
People and cars.
Nobody believes it.
Except for two young bugs.
They believe it.
They just hot-wired a helicopter.
And they're thinking the same thing.
They believe in us
because we believe in them.
- Crazy.
Where's the orphanage
you escaped from?
We didn't, we're Mobile Nobles,
traveling from manor to manor.
Are you cyclists too?
We're automobilists.
You were wrong.
They're automobilists.
Mobile Nobles,
what's that?
Certainly not
proletariats in chariots.
I think your baron is calling.
He's a count.
Who are those guys?
- Mobile Nobles.
Don't we have anything to eat?
Let's ask them.
- We're not weirdos.
Where you going?
To the Lada?
- I have to eat.
I thought we were hiding the Lada.
A guy's gotta eat, or he'll die.
- Norma!
Where's Norma?
Hey, I asked you a question.
We don't go to the supermarket.
- But where is it?
We buy food from family Frhlich.
- Oh, the Frhlichs.
But where is the supermarket?
The Frhlichs live that way.
Hello Friedemann!
- Hello, Constable!
Let's try again.
Where is Norma?
- Are you just going to have a look?
Do you go to a supermarket
just to look?
We want to buy food!
Come home, it's noon.
Do you know where Norma is?
They want to buy food, mommy!
Norma who?
- The supermarket!
Oh! We never go there.
We go to the Frhlichs.
We heard.
- What do you want there?
Grocery shopping.
We're hungry.
We're about to have lunch.
Join us.
What's for lunch, my dear lady?
- Risi Bisi.
We hold hands in prayer
and thank God for his care,
the beautiful Earth
where everything grows...
We'll make it short.
May this meal be blessed.
Holy moly.
Stop! First the questions!
Wait, I have to think of one.
What did Merope Gaunt get
for Slytherin's locket...
- 12 galleons!
10 galleons!
Elizabeth was the fastest.
What was the name of the ship
that Alexander von Humboldt...
- Pizarro!
Good job, Friedemann.
Why did I say 12?
How about a guest round?
That's not fair!
After that it's your turn.
Who was the first
president of Germany?
Helmut Kohl!
- Heuss, Lbke, Heinemann, Scheel,
Carstens, Weizscker,
Herzog, Khler, Wulff, Gauck.
Good Jonas.
Now you can ask a question.
What's the capital of Germany?
I'd say Berlin.
Me too.
Then, dig in.
Here's a melon.
It's good for when you get thirsty too.
Thank you.
- Thanks a lot.
- Bye!
Now I have a quiz question:
How do you figure out
where north is by using a watch?
Aim your hour hand at the sun,
then wind the minute hand to 12,
then it points south.
- Bye.
Cool people.
So smart.
Where was the father?
Good question.
Go ahead.
I gotta pee.
Show me your driver's license!
How old are you?
Open this door!
Open it now!
Darn you!
Shit, Maik, sorry!
Don't make it worse for yourself!
Stay right there!
What was I to do?
I was 100km, maybe 200km,
south of Berlin.
Tschick just drove off
in the light blue Lada
that every cop was now after.
I had no idea how
we would find each other again.
Normally, I guess you'd try to meet up
at the spot you'd lost each other.
But that wouldn't work now,
the village sheriff was waiting there.
If you can't meet where
you'd last seen each other,
you go back to the last safe spot
you'd been together.
The wind turbines!
The simplest solution!
The more I thought about it,
the more convinced I was that
Tschick would have the same idea.
Last safe spot!
- Last safe spot!
How do you like the color?
- Kick-ass!
Where did you get the license plate?
- Munich.
Shit, we're out of gas.
Where are we gonna get gas?
What if we just steal another car?
Are you nuts? We can't steal
a new car every time we run out of gas.
Then that's the end of our trip.
I wanted to take the Lada back.
We're stupid!
We just have to get
gas from another car.
We need a hose.
Great, what about a hose?
Not a trace.
Get out of here!
You morons!
Are you crazy?
You heard me, moron.
Your friend is a moron too!
Who is that bitch?
You're too dumb to fuck!
Shove it up your ass and shut up!
Fucking Oriental!
- I'm Russian!
Russian pansy!
- I'm about to come up there!
Come on up, pussy!
Oh, I'm so scared!
She's not right in the head.
What were you looking for?
A pile of shit!
We were looking for hoses.
Hoses are over there.
What do you need it for?
It's a birthday present for my father.
I showed you where the crap was,
now tell me why you want it.
We stole a car.
Now we have to steal gas.
For sure, you retards!
Even though I showed you them!
Go ahead, do want you want.
Yo, Maik.
Got anything to eat?
- Do we look like we do?
You look like retards!
You're repeating yourself.
I'm hungry.
There's blackberries back there.
I thought you were queer.
Because of the lipstick.
Where are you going?
I'm going to Prague.
It's on the way.
No it's not.
Ever notice you stink?
You stink like a pile of shit.
Piss off.
You didn't have to tell her she stinks.
I had to say something.
And man, she did stink!
She had pretty eyes,
but she was a weirdo.
It's open!
- Sweet!
First, suck it.
Ever heard of gravity? It won't flow up!
Once it's started,
overall it flows downward.
But the gas doesn't know that!
It's a law of physics.
It's got a name, something force.
The bullcrap force.
You never saw it in a movie?
- Yeah, in a movie.
Maybe the tank's empty.
It's wet.
There's got to be gas.
Someone's coming.
Let's go.
What are you doing?
- Camouflage.
You morons!
Real pros!
Can you shout louder?
- Too dumb to fuck!
Ever heard of sucking?
- We were sucking!
Give me the hose.
Didn't you ever steal gas in Russia?
No, I didn't, you racist.
Why didn't it work for us?
This has to be below
the water level.
Oh, below the water level.
- Right.
What water level?
- Ask her.
My name's Isa.
- Good for you.
Why are you going to Prague?
- I have to visit my half-sister.
Too warm?
- No, you still stink.
There are things living in there.
I know.
Play this cassette.
Ever notice that a mirror switches
left and right, but not up and down?
Yeah, I have noticed that.
Don't even think about it.
Check it out.
She can't swim!
- She's acting.
You retards!
Here's a present. Soap!
You've probably never seen that!
I do feel a bit sor...
You're dumber
than your boyfriend.
A gentleman swims like this.
Give me soap too.
I'll get us some food.
I want you to cut my hair.
I've never cut hair before.
I don't care. I want it all off.
I don't want a hairy T-shirt.
Looks like crap, right?
It looks good.
Have you ever done it?
- You heard me.
And what?
Want to?
Want to what?
But I liked...
your hand on my knee.
You're shivering.
I know.
You don't know much.
I know.
We could just make out.
If you want.
Do you like sausages?
What are we doing here?
Taking a vacation.
Just like normal people do.
It's just like "Game of Thrones."
The handrails ruin it.
Here's the oldest one.
Anselm Wail,
All dead.
Like us in a hundred years.
AT, MK, IS... I like it.
- I like it too.
Someone just needs
to scratch in some letters,
then it'll be "Atomic Crisis of 2016."
Let's cut our fingers,
and smear our blood on it.
Are you Geronimo now?
No, dude, I'm a Jewish Gypsy.
What's she up to?
- I don't know.
Do you have 30 euros?
I'll send it to you, I swear!
My half-sister has money.
I'll never make it with you guys.
You didn't fall in love again, did you?
Seriously, though,
you have a way with women.
Or what's the phrase?
It was all too quick.
And we're singing
in the fallout shelter,
Hurrah, this world goes helter skelter!
Hurrah, this world goes helter skelter!
Am I seeing things?
They're real!
I'm not sure about this.
I'm not driving back.
Here we go, here we go!
Tschick! Look out!
Are you hurt?
What happened?
I can't drive like this.
That's it then, we're done.
No way. You drive.
- Have you lost your mind?
You just hit the gas and steer.
I'll shift.
No, man.
- Why not?
I'm a coward.
I'm a coward and I'm boring.
I haven't been bored with you.
Not you, but Tatjana didn't
even invite me to her stupid party.
You know what?
Compared to Isa,
Tatjana is brain dead.
I can tell,
I don't like girls.
I never told anybody that before.
Think of me what you please,
but I wasn't particularly surprised.
For a moment I even thought
about becoming gay myself.
Give me my shoe.
That would have
solved all my problems.
But I couldn't.
I just liked girls too much.
Just step on the clutch, left pedal.
Careful, let it up slowly.
Super, actually.
Let's try again.
Careful, careful.
Not too much gas.
Let the clutch up slowly.
A little gas, that's right.
That's right.
Go, give it some gas.
Yeah, nice.
Nicely done, you coward!
What a shitty life.
What a fucking idiot!
Pass him!
Pass on the right!
Is he nuts?
Should I try the emergency lane?
If you think you can.
- Yeah, just like "GTA."
So much for that.
You pigs!
I'm going to get you!
When I get my hands on you...
Are you okay?
And you?
I think I cut myself.
I have to go.
Or they'll put
me in an orphanage.
Take it.
It'll get cold.
See you later.
Kick-ass jacket.
Klingenberg, Maik.
Maik with A I.
Date of birth?
- 14 May 2002.
I'm only 14.
I'm quite able to count.
I'm not criminally accountable yet.
- Oh, yes you are.
At 14 you are.
I thought it was 15.
Nope, it's 14.
15 is just baloney.
Good morning.
- Morning.
Where do you live?
Say something!
What? I said, yes!
Yes, I got it!
You don't get a thing, you idiot!
- I'm not an idiot.
I know we screwed up.
No, your Russian buddy screwed up!
That antisocial asshole,
he screwed up!
You're too dumb
to adjust a rearview mirror.
Now listen to me.
You keep your mouth shut
at the hearing.
The lawyer will tell the judge
exactly what happened.
Andrej Tschichatschow, "Tschick,"
fled and is therefore guilty.
Stealing the car was his idea.
He was also at the wheel
when the accident occurred.
My client went along
because he was afraid of Andrej.
That's not true.
Maik, sit down.
We both decided
to drive off with the Lada.
And I was driving on the autobahn.
Stop this crap!
Order, Herr Klingenberg,
I'll ask if I want to hear from you.
Sit down, please.
Maik. Is that the truth?
Yes, Your Honor.
At school they tell us
violence is never the answer.
When you get
sucker punched like that
you know damn well
it's an answer.
Holy bejoly.
I thought about how things would be.
How long we'd live in this house,
how long my parents
would stay married,
if my father would
have kids with Mona...
What are you doing, mom?
- Look at all this shit!
Give me a hand.
I know exactly what I thought
as I held my breath under water.
I thought there were a lot worse things
than having an alcoholic mother.
Or that father's gone.
Because you can't
hold your breath forever,
but for a pretty long time.
And that was the summer.
School started again.
Can we talk?
I have to get to school.
It's the first day back.
We'll take you.
Do you know
Andrej Tschichatschow?
He's my friend.
- Where is he?
No idea.
What happened?
A Lada was stolen.
The day before yesterday,
Found it last night, totaled.
I got nothing to do with that, officer.
I'm doing civil service
with the retards all day.
Evenings I'm with my mom.
That bowled me over.
Tschick could have written a letter.
But to total a Lada
just to drop me a line,
what an idea!
Is that Maik Klingenberg?
What happened to him?
...as well as the Pythagorean Theorem.
Geometry and geometric forms,
surfaces, bodies, angles...
Hey, it's for you.
Where were you this summer?
- Tatjana.
She had seen me.
Tatjana Cosic had finally seen me.
Before this summer
I'd have jumped for joy.
But strangely, now I didn't care.
In the boondocks.
The only thing I cared about
was seeing Tschick again.
I thought without Tschick I never
would have had the summer we did,
and that it was a cool summer.
The best summer ever.
AT, MK, IS... I like it.
- I like it too.
Someone just needs
to scratch in some letters,
then it'll be "Atomic Crisis of 2016."
I was so excited to
see Tschick again soon.
Tschick and Isa.
If not next week, maybe a little later.
'Cause, I almost forgot this part:
Let's meet up in 50 years
at this exact spot.
On 28 July 2066.
Whatever we're doing then.
Or is that stupid?
We'll be here.