Tube Tales (1999) Movie Script

Excuse me.
- Hi.
- Hello.
- Are you walking to the tube?
- I get the bus.
- Wrong answer.
- Wrong answer?
Well, yeah, I wanted you to say
that you were walking to the tube.
In an ideal world, you would've said
that you were walking to the tube.
- You see, in my head it begins...
- It begins?
Yeah, with me saying "are you walking
to the tube?", and you, "Yes, I am".
- Then I'd say...
- Emma!
Let me help you with that,
Mr. Kilsen.
Are you going with him?
- Sorry?
- Who is he?
- I think he works in the post room...
- Luke. Call me Luke, Emma.
- Luke.
- So, are you going with him?
He's getting the tube. I get the
bus. I always get the bus.
But you thought about getting
the tube, didn't you?
- I mean, it crossed your mind.
- No. No, never.
- I'm going your way.
- Your keys, sir.
Alone, at last.
- Nice car.
- It 's warm, dry, smooth.
- Lovely.
- I never travel any other way.
This train is not in service.
All change, please.
This train terminates here.
Do you believe you can make things
happen if you want them enough?
- Whereabouts exactly are we going?
- Avalon.
- Avalon?
- Magical island surrounded by mist.
- So you set sail...
- Not knowing where you might end up.
It 's there if you believe
it 's there.
If you believe?
You can't imagine how
I dreamt with this moment.
This is how it begins.
- Emma!
- Mind the doors!
Is it just me or do tube journeys
make you horny? Bollocks!
Don't get me wrong. It 's not like
I'm some kind of raving nympho...
who likes being shunted back and
forth through a long dark tunnel...
to be ejected at the other end
slightly breathless and a bit sticky.
No, it 's not that at all.
It 's the whole trapped thing.
You know, I think...
it brings out the peep-show
devil in you.
Fuck it! It 's not as you're ever
gonna see these people again anyway.
Next stop and they're off,
back to their own planets.
Who cares?
Excuse me, I've got to get off.
- Quick!
- I'm sorry.
If you go for it, why not between
Liverpool St. And Tottenham Court?
Sorry, I just couldn't
help myself, could I?
And it was so hot. What was
I supposed to do but blowing?
And blow...
Look at that.
- What an old sucker!
- Shame, shame, shame on him.
What 's that, mummy?
I bet you a five that geezer
has broken his willy!
Don't want to get caught with
this bag of goodies on me, do I?
Play it safe. Better sort
myself out with a ticket.
Where did you get that annual
travel card from, mate?
Hey, get your thieving hands off it.
Give back my card. Give it back.
I fucking paid for it.
What do you think?
- Should try to buy one yourself.
- I don't need to buy no ticket, man.
Last ticket I had I found. As long
as you've got one, I'm fine.
I'll just squeeze in tight
behind you.
Mo? Where did you get
them jeans, man?
Forget it, man. You won't find these
anywhere. Securicor delivered these.
- Heard of a designer called VEX?
- VEX?
- "Vincento Exclusivo"!
- Who the fuck is that?
He was an Italian butcher, man. Kind
of went beyond animals, understand?
Vincento's dead. Before burying him,
they pulled out his gold teeth...
and turned that gold
into a fucking label.
There's 3 people in the universe with
these because there was only 3 teeth.
Believe, I'll be wearing that tooth.
They want to put me in the V&A Sta.
What a fucking tosser!
Get up, man.
- Get up, man!
- Why?
I'm uncomfortable here.
Please, just get up.
Little punks.
What the fuck...?
I don't need these idiots
around me. Not today.
Tell you what: There's no
fucking around today, mate.
I ain't gonna miss a single hit.
- Who said I hated her?
- You cannot love without hate.
- She's just a friend, man.
- Right. What are you doing?
No slip-ups, no mercy.
I can feel it in my veins.
- Hey, Mazaar! You fucking bastard!
- Shut your mouth, man.
Bulla, got De Niro's autograph?
You told my girlfriend you'd get it.
What 's the matter, Roy?
You feel ready to take on
my all-time record, huh?
- You watch me.
- Bulla, I'm talking to you, man.
Hey, Bulla, I'm going to fuck
someone up today, you know?
Yo, Stevie, what stop?
- Soon, man.
- What?
- Soon.
- Soon what?
- Alright, just keep it together.
- Soon Junction.
Right, next stopeither
they move or I move.
Last weekend, I gave Ryan a green
light and I said: "Listen, Ryan...
call me in 7 days. If you don't,
that light is gonna change color."
This is him: "Is it gonna change to
amber? I said "Don't even go there!
Amber is for unsure people. I'm
talking from green to red. Stop...
or you'll pay the penalty." Anyway,
7th day came I was at the telephone.
Did he call? No. So I dialed up his
number to find a dead fucking tone!
I know the bill's been paid cause
I paid it! What are you looking at?
Let 's get out of here, man.
Fool! Listen, Jackie, if I'm lying,
I'm flying. These are the facts.
- Jesus, I can't believe this.
- I know someone who works for BT.
If I want to track him down, trust
me, that 's what I'm going to do...
Fuck this. I ain't taking no chances.
Next stop let's get out of here.
She is like "whatever", but he
messed with the wrong"senorita".
- Chods, I ain't telling you shit!
- What 's your name?
My name is Tony Montana.
I'm a political refugee.
- I've got all the time in the world.
- Stop that!
Point that to me again, and you'll
have a light shining out your arse!
What 's wrong with you? Listen,
keep this professional, man.
- Sit down, man.
- I'm alright, man.
- Sit down. There's a seat over here.
- I don't want to sit there.
- What are you standing for?
- I don't want to sit down!
What 's up with you, man?
All right, mate!
- No...
- Blimey, what have you been up to?
No. No!
I know what you're screwing over.
- Yeah, what?
- Stevie man, you ain't fat.
I know Eve was telling everyone last
night she thought you put weight.
That weight is muscle, you get me?
You're getting broad, man.
- Like a 2-lane turning into a 4-lane.
- Mo, what are you talking about?
Yeah, I'm a travelling
salesman now.
Yeah, the basic's fucking shit, but
the commission's fucking excellent.
You ain't going to make 50,000 in
a day, but still there's potential.
God, I promise I'll never do this
again. Get me through this, please.
I'm not a loser.
I'll get a real job, I swear.
I'm selling these things now, look.
They're alright as it goes, right?
They've got a pen on one side, right?
It 's a bit leaky that one, right.
And you've got a pencil on the
other side, plus a separate rubber.
I was fat once, man.
I wasn't no biggie no nothing.
But then with my kickboxing,
tae kwon do, kung fu and shit...
I'm now down to what
I consider my ideal weight.
- It 's possible, man. Don't give up.
- Mo, shut up!
I prefer the felt tips we sold last
month. These ain't shifting, but...
there's always tomorrow,
Billy boy.
I don't know who the fuck you are.
Just fuck off and leave me alone!
I'm fucking James, man,
from school!
Hey, listen, cause you ain't fat.
You've got the frame of a body
builder. All you need is the muscle.
- So are you working? Studying?
- I'm working, ain't I?
- 0h, yeah? What 's your job?
- I'm a computer engineer.
Fucking hell, man!
That 's what I wanna do!
That 's where the money is at,
at the call-in charge.
Excuse me.
- Do you think he's fat?
- Sorry?
Do you think he's fat?
- No.
- Thank you!
You can turn around now, man.
Stevie! Stevie!
It 's a good job I bumped into, mate.
You just made me remember.
You're looking well.
Fuck it man, you are fat!
This fucking train, man.
We're fucking stuck here.
I'll tell you what: If I'm at the top
of your hit list, I'll take on you...
and all your extras, cause I ain't
no pussy cat. I'm Bulla, the bull.
- Fucking no! Not again, man!
- What the fuck are you doing?
- Calm down.
- What the fuck is this?
- It 's just a little bit of blood.
- Stupid wanker!
- I've got a nose bleed, all right?
- Stand back, please. Are you okay?
- I'm fine.
- Take this and hold your head back.
- What, man?
- Take another one.
I hadn't seen him for 10 years.
Look, I don't want you
to walk with me.
Hold it there, alright? Just wait
there for me. I won't be a minute.
Roy, Charlie, come in.
Is there anyone upstairs?
- Yeah, it 's Roy.
- Suspect coming up towards you.
Young guy wearing jeans with VEX
written on them and a black jacket.
- He should be going up the escalator.
- All right.
You can't miss it.
- It 's your lucky day, boy.
- No, my friend. It 's your lucky day.
Yes, got it.
Stevie, I told you. You're not fat.
You're just big-boned.
Fuck it.
Come on, then.
- Shut up and get over there.
- All right, mate. Calm down.
Roy, did you get him?
- Who's this guy?
- Everything's under control, Sonia.
Can I see your ticket, please, sir?
Your ticket, mate.
I need to see your ticket.
Is that all you want?
The fucking ticket?
I've got a fucking ticket!
Thank you, sir.
Fuck! Fuck!
- Nice one. I love working with you.
- Fuck!
Dad! Dad!
- Come.
- I'm coming.
What 's that?
- I made it myself.
- Marmite?
Mom says this is good for you.
Yeah, well, it is in beer.
Come on, on your toes.
- What 's been happening?
- Mom's a nightmare as usual.
She fancies Leonardo Di Caprio now.
- Why is that then?
- Cause he's so posh.
- I don't drink tea anymore, dad.
- What do you mean with that?
Mom says I'd always want some of
yours when you got back from work.
You did?
I'd follow you about and make
you put some in my plastic cup.
- Yeah, you did.
- I think it 's bitter.
Yeah, it is.
No, don't fuck about.
- What 's your mom doing today?
- She's in bed.
- All day?
- Sometimes.
- You had a wash?
- 0f course.
- I don't want you going back mucky.
- I always get back mucky.
Mind that tire.
- Di Caprio is a bit young for her.
- She likes them young.
0h, I see.
Race you upstairs. Lively!
I'm tracing your footsteps.
Hold on, hold on.
You should pack up smoking, mate.
You'll get black lungs.
Fuck that.
Look at that.
You must be right. In 1748 that
meant you knew where you were.
That 's to do with lunch, that 's not
to do with time, but with space.
That 's totally different from when
the clock's wrong in Cornwall.
No, no, Gerard was in 1198. That
was completely different then.
That was the first Latin travelogue,
and that was relative.
It 's to do with Einstein, with
numbers. Numbers, you know?
No, there's two of them.
It can't work out.
No, it 's the other way around.
It has to do with numbers,
somewhere. Real numbers.
Real numbers, not fractions.
Go on, my son.
- Hi, mate.
- I'm alright. Nice.
- Here you go.
- Thanks.
Excuse me.
- I ain't got nothing.
- No, no, no. Fag.
Fag, tin.
Put the fag in the tin.
Fuck me.
- What 's that?
- Swear box, ain't it?
Is it? Fuck me.
What do you think you're doing?
- What does it look as if I'm doing?
- Causing a hazard, that 's what.
This is my luggage, I'm taking it.
Be a good man and take the front end.
- Take the trolley down the steps.
- You think you're the Queen Mother?
I'm certainly not your mother.
Now come along.
- It 's got wheels.
- So has a pram!
All right?
Have you got a hold of this?
Cause we could all fall down!
Would you mind? I think I shall have
to report you to your superior.
No one else would let you do this.
Don't you tell him I let you on.
- Carry on.
- Don't tell where you got on either.
Smother up.
Smother up.
He ain't got you.
Look at the state of you.
I drag you through a bush.
Pick a number one to twenty-four.
No, not one or twenty-four.
Something in the middle.
You laughing at me?
That is a blinding horse.
I fancy that twenty-five to one.
...becomes the Southern. What?
Yes, that 's right, the Southern.
Not the great Southern, the Southern.
I beg your pardon?
It 's not Brunel. It 's not the great
Western. It does go to Paddington.
It 's not the man with the stoat-pipe
hat. That came later, much later.
We talked about the 1947 conversion.
And that was the important thing...
when they suddenly decided
to take 200 and put it into 400.
Four won't go. Were not talking
fractions, we're talking railways.
0f course that 's a difference.
That 's what made it the difference.
I was necessary, it was sufficient,
but it didn't happen. It 's obvious.
Can't put a gallon into a pint pot.
But you can put a pint into a gallon.
It was only retraced back from the
first time. 0ld hats on new heads.
When they started talking about the
streets, it just had to happen.
- Two parallel lines of steam.
- Wait here.
You can't hide the physical
behind the metaphysical.
But you just can't do that.
That 's what I'm trying to tell you,
but you won't listen.
Fucking hell!
Teddy! Teddy!
It 's all right, son. Teddy!
Come here!
I got you.
It 's all right, it 's all right.
You're all right. All right.
Come on. Daddy's got you.
Come on, I got you.
It 's all right.
It was horrible.
Why did that man jump
under the train, dad?
He didn't jump, he fell.
Someone fell, all right?
That has to do with relativity.
Not... No.
Gerard was the first man to write
a travel book in Latin in 1198.
0h, no!
- You don't know the words.
- I don't have to know the words!
Everyone is getting annoyed with us.
Look at them all.
Yeah! What are they looking at?
What are they looking at?
Listen. She wants to get into
the kebab's man's pants.
- You want a chip? Why not?
- I don't like chips.
- So why didn't you tell me that?
- I just wanted "onion rings".
So why didn't you say
you wanted onion rings?
I would've bought you if you made it
clear. You don't make things clear.
The Boardwalk first, then Mickey.
I don't wanna stay there longer.
I don't want you running off for some
bird and I ending up with a pig.
Last time what was it like?
That pig I ended up with last time.
What was her name? 0h, come on.
She was twice the size of me.
Shauney says I've got the best legs.
Do I got the best legs on the train?
Bit of a flash!
It 's always worse for her. It 's
always like: "No one has as many...
difficult clients as I do."
And all that thing.
It 's bollocks, cause we all do.
We all have a hard time of it.
But she makes such a meal of it.
Have you clocked him down there?
He's got a pair like my gramps.
- Clock Madonna.
- 0h, gosh.
I've gone all squeaky!
- Will you stop it?
- She's doing my head in. Stop her.
- Do something. Tell her to stop.
- What do you want me to do?
Just tell her...
- Daddy.
- God, I'm bursting for the toilet.
Does anyone mind if I have
a wee on the train?
- Gonna wet my knickers.
- Shut up!
- What is he doing?
- Cutting the peak off his hat.
- Just tell him to stop it.
- It 's a regular freak show.
What 's going on there?
Look, look, sign language.
Do you reckon
they understand that?
Why is it whenever you talk about
sex the whole train goes quiet?
What 's wrong with sex?
Don't you have sex?
- Come on, have a chip. Go on!
- No, I don't want one!
Calm down, girls.
We're just being true.
- Look what you've done!
- I'm all dirty. What 's your problem?
- You dirty fucking sod!
- You grabbed one of his breasts.
- Yeah, you popped one.
- I'm really sorry. It was her, okay?
- Why were you giving her the box?
- Cause she was being sick.
- Better have sick or chips on you?
- You threw chips on me. Use the floor.
Jesus Christ!
You disgusting cow!
- Sorry.
- It 's disgusting!
What would you do?
What did you want me to do?
- You should've said something.
- What? What did you want me to say?
- Like "Don't be sick on my girl".
- Lf she was sick on me, you'd say?
"Don't be sick on my fellow".
She just went sick on me. You were
sitting there. You're my boyfriend.
- These trousers were brand new.
- You're not the only one, you know?
Your trousers don't matter. I paid
for mine. Your mom pays for yours.
- What are you trying to say?
- Your mom buys yours, I pay for mine.
Will you please shut up?
- How's things at work?
- Passed me over again, didn't he?
- 5 years in the job, I ain't moved.
- What are you going to do?
Well, I'm going to go into
his office tomorrow...
and tell him to have a serious
rethink about this job thing.
- 0r else I'm gonna walk.
- That 's the thing about life.
You never ever let anyone mug you
off. I was in a similar situation.
I thought I was going mad.
0h, dear.
Never had such a shock in my life.
I think I'm okay.
- Do you think he's dead?
- Can't be sure. Pick it up and look.
- I won't pick it up. It 's dirty.
- It 's a bird. Ain't gonna hurt you.
You pick it up.
In 30 secs we'll be in a station.
Those doors are going to open...
there will be people all over.
Someone might step on that bird.
- Excuse me.
- You silly old...
- I don't know.
- We can't see it.
Hey, go steady, fellow!
If you haven't got a valid ticket,
you're liable to a10 pound charge.
You haven't got a valid ticket,
have you, ma'am? Have you?
If so, you'll pay now or I want
to see ID so we can send you a bill.
I'm not going to let you through.
Ask yourself if you want to stay here
all day. I'm here all day anyway.
- Go on, let her through.
- Excuse me, ma'am.
Do yourself a favor. Put your hat
on straight and smarten yourself up.
Two words: "thin ice".
All right, mate, through you go.
0ff you go. Mind the stairs.
Now, where was I?
Does your mommy know
where you are?
Heavens, what 's wrong with you?
Look what you've done to my skirt!
Hang on. My baby!
Wait, stop! Stop the train!
Stop the train! Stop the train!
What if somebody takes her?
Come on, Mr. H.
What if someone
offers her sweets or...
drags her off or takes her away?
Hurry up! Would someone just...
would someone hurry up the train?
Move, move, move, move!
Have you seen my little girl?
Have you seen...
Have you seen my little girl?
She's small and dressed in red.
Have you seen my girl? She's under
7. She's never been alone before.
- She's my only child.
- I'm a only child. Used to bother me.
- Mind the gap. Has she got money?
- 0f course not! She's 7 years old!
Mind the gap, mind the gap.
Party over. Can't you read that?
Clear off.
She's wearing red shiny shoes,
white woolen tights...
red velvet cuffs,
her hair in plaits...
and she's got Mr. H. With her.
- So she's not alone.
- What do you mean? Look, this is...
This is her and that 's Mr. H.
She takes him with her...
Does your mommy
know where you are?
- Bet you can't do a loop-the-loop.
- Do you mean around the world?
I can do a walk on the wild side.
Anything else?
- And the time warp.
- Oh, that's very good.
Are you my fairy godmother?
- No. Mate, fuck off!
- Tell you what: This one's on me.
- I said fuck off. Hey!
- Excuse me.
Get the fuck off me!
You scared me.
Are you all right?
Let 's go.
- Come on.
- Wait!
Come on!
Down here.
- Come on, open it.
- It 's locked.
Shit! Shit! Shit!
My God, look at the fucking money!
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. You?
- It 's covered in dye!
- Shit, we can't use this.
- Look at you.
- Look at you.
- I got it in my tongue?
- You've got it all over your tongue.
Look how much money there is.
How are we going to get this off?
We can sweat it off. Come here.
Wait. Wait.
Come on, we've got enough.
- Come on.
- Lord, Lord, not me, Lord.
I have sinned.
I have grown weary...
in the ways of the world.
I'm beyond the reach...
of your eternal grace.
Not me.
Not me, Lord.
But I ask you.
If not you, then who?
Who else...
but you?
You say you have sinned.
Friends, he knows it. You say:
"How can He know
in my heart of hearts...
what I have wished for...
what I have desired?
How can He know
the terrible depth...
of my disgrace?"
You think He doesn't?
- No, no.
- Good God, my friends.
Do you think He does not know it?
He has carved your name
on the palm of His hand.
He has numbered the hairs
on your head.
He knows the secret
of your inner heart and still...
an still He holds out His hand...
to you, to any here
who are thinking:
"No, not me".
- "His grace was not meant for me".
- Here you are. Are you sure?
I say to you: None but you.
None but you, my friends.
- Though your sins are...
- Sorry. black as the grave.
He died for you,
and you are saved!
Are you an angel?
He died for you...
- Jesus.
...and me, my friend.
Here you are, mate.
Wash my feet.
Go on, wash that...
No, stop.
All right, mate!
Sorry, did I hurt you?
I didn't mean to kick you.
Sorry, I'm a bit pissed.
Are you all right?
Sorry, are you all right?
Score. Here you have it.
Twenty pounds.
What 's he doing?
He'll live.
- Come on.
- Come, mate.
Sorry, sorry.
Stay where you are.
Lean back.
Lean back.
- It 's all getting a bit cheesy, eh?
- Come on, come on.
No sense of humour or what?
Steal away
Steal away
Steal away to Jesus
Steal away
Steal away home
I ain't got long
To stay here
My Lord, He calls me
He calls me by the thunder
The trumpet sounds within my soul
I ain't got long
To stay here
Steal away
Steal away
Steal away to Jesus
Steal away
Steal away home
I ain't got long
To stay here
My Lord, He calls me
He calls me by the lightning
The trumpet sounds
Within my soul
I ain't got long
- To stay here
- All right, Dave?
Steal away
Steal away
These two have been begging. Can
you get them off the train, please?
- Steal away to Jesus
- Let 's have you off the train.
Steal away
- Steal away home
- And you.
I ain't got long
- To stay here
- This train terminates here.
- Get off!
- What are you doing? Get off me!
- Get off me!
- That 's mine, thieves. Get away!
Fuck off! Fuck off!
All right, move along now, please.
Thank you.
Hurry along, please.
That 's right.
- Hello.
- Hello.
- Welcome. Hello.
- Thank you.
- Straight on?
- Right. Straight here, thank you.
Move along, please.
Hurry along, please.
That 's right. Hello.
That 's it, move right along.
No, no. You're in the wrong zone,
my darling. You go over there.
Welcome. Hello. Hello.
I have to go back just because
I slept with my best mate's wife?
- Sorry, mate. I don't make the rules.
- Come on! Hurry up!
Wait your turn, baldy!
Hello, my darling.
- "God shall wipe away...
- Shine?
...all tears from their eyes.
- And there shall be no more death...
- Shoe shine, sir?
...not a sorrow nor crying.
- Shine?
Neither shall there be
any more pain."
People get ready
There's a train coming
You don't need no baggage
You just get on board
All you need is faith to hear
The diesel humming
You don' need no ticket
You just thank the Lord
You just thank the Lord
Thank the Lord
People get ready
Forthe train to Jordan
Picking up passengers
From coast to coast
Faith is the key that opens
Doors for boarding
There's room for allwho need
To love the most
You just love the most
Love the most
Love the most
There ain't no room
Forthe hopeless sinners
Who would harm mankind
Just to save his own
Have pity of those
Whose chances were thinner
Cause there's no hiding place
From the Kingdom's strong
You just thank the Lord
Thank the Lord
You just thank the Lord
Thank the Lord