Tucked (2018) Movie Script
1
[applause]
[music]
[lip sync] First I was
afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking
I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent
So many nights
Thinking how
You did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned
How to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in
To find you here
With that sad look
Upon your face
I should have
Changed that stupid lock
I should have
Made you leave your key
If I'd known
For just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go,
walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not
Welcome anymore
Weren't you
The one who tried
To hurt me with goodbye
Do you think I'd crumble
Did you think
I'd lay down and die
Oh, no, not I,
I will survive
Oh, as long as
I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got
All my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
[applause]
[cheering]
Thank you, I do love applause
but just throw money next time.
[laughter]
Oh, good evening,
my beautiful kings
and queens.
Look, if you want to take
a photograph, take it now.
Because this is
as good as I get.
It's very unprofessional
to drink on stage,
so could you help me down?
[exhales]
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, you're lovely.
[laughter]
Cheers. Hmm.
- Oh, that's fucking better.
- [laughter]
Is there any lesbians here?
Lesbi... Oooh, yes, yes.
How long
have you known each other?
20 minutes? Did I offend you?
Thank fuck for that.
[laughter]
Oooh, hello, big boy.
Tell me something, [clears throat] if
I had a rooster and you had a donkey,
and your donkey
hit my rooster, what
what would you have? Hmm?
My cock in your ass.
[laughter]
[laughs] Oh, I do love
a dirty audience.
Are you two together?
No shit.
Um... Oh, hello.
Are you alone? Oh, dear.
[clears throat] Do you
know the difference
between erotic and kinky?
Let's see, an erotic person
uses a feather,
and the kinky person uses
a whole fucking chicken.
[laughter]
Oh, oh, sorry, boys,
he looks better.
Oh, tell me something, big boy.
Are you gay?
Wait, you're straight?
So is spaghetti
until it gets hot and wet.
Is there a married couple here?
Oh, oh, yes.
You look married to me.
[chuckles]
How quaint. Tell me something,
do you know
the difference between
your job and your wife?
After five years
your job will still suck.
[laughter]
[chuckles] Sorry, darling.
You know
why men are like motorcars?
Because they always
pull out before
checking to see if
anybody else is coming.
[laughter]
Oh, you see,
darlings, I'm not fat.
I'm just easier to see.
[laughter]
[applause]
[cheering]
[music]
There's a hue of blue
In the air around you
As I say
I see nothing but sheets
Of grey
Sliding over us for days
I've been told
It might be easy
[coughs]
I've been told to forgive me
[coughs]
It isn't easy, oh
[coughs]
[glass breaks]
[doctor] I'm so sorry,
Mr. Collins.
Is there someone
I can call for you?
- Family? Friends?
- Pardon?
[doctor] You have
any family or friends
I could call for you?
No, I've...
no family, no friends.
[doctor] I understand.
This must have come
as quite a shock.
Yes, you could say that.
Um, how long...
How long have I got?
[doctor] It's hard to say.
Maybe six, seven weeks.
Got an expiry date like
a piece of fucking chicken.
[doctor] You have an aggressive
form of cancer, mister Collins.
It's spreading quickly.
There's a group of people
who meet on Wednesday nights.
It might help maybe
to talk with people who
are going through
the same thing.
I don't want to
spend the last six weeks
of my life talking about
the last six weeks of my life.
[doctor] I can understand that.
In the meantime,
I'm going to prescribe something
that will ease
the pain a little bit.
Make sure
you take these twice daily.
Okay?
[club sounds in the background]
[knocking on door]
Jackie, you in there?
- What are you doing?
- Taking a shit.
- That's not very lady-like, is it?
- Neither is my cock.
Listen, we've got, uh... We've
got a new kid start tonight.
His name's Faith, just
want you to show him around.
You know, make him feel at home.
Look, I am not
a fucking babysitter.
I'm not asking you to hold his fucking
hand whilst he crosses the street, okay?
Just give him a
little tour round, okay?
Where is he?
He's in the dressing room.
Thank you very much.
Ta-ta, ta-ta.
Fucking unbelievable.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
Jesus.
[tears paper]
[club music]
Anyway [indistinct]
Threw up all over his cock.
Well, it's safe to say
you're never gonna
- make a sword swallower, dear.
- [laughs] What does he...
Hey, um, exc... You're Faith?
- Faith? Faith?
- Yes, I am. And you are?
I am your fairy godmother,
you can call me Jackie.
You're Jackie?
I am.
The one and only Jackie.
I [chuckles] didn't
expect you to be so...
Old, old? I know, old.
Well, you gotta
pay the bills, kid.
Do you mind?
You're sitting in my chair.
Oh, sorry.
[exhales] How do you
walk in those high heels?
- I've been practicing since I was nine.
- Mm-hmm.
So, tell me, ahem, what is it you do?
You know, what's your thing?
You're a comedian, you dance,
you sing? What is it?
- What's your thing?
- I'm a singer.
Oh, you're a s...
Mollie, you think you got
a bit of competition here.
Oh, bitch, please, the BFG ain't
got nothing on this, honey.
[laughs] Don't worry about her.
She's all bark and no bite.
Now, listen, couple of rules
you've, uh, gotta know.
First of all, there's
no fucking the customers.
Now, I know that sounds
very obvious, but...
I mean, you've got no idea how...
No, no, it happens.
So, whatever
you've got in your panties,
you just keep it in there.
Alright?
- Mm-hmm.
- Secondly, all your tips are your own.
We don't share shit here.
Now, you know, generally,
the audience are pretty,
you know, generous as long
as you give them what they want.
Well, within reason, remember.
- What's the first rule?
- No fucking the customers.
Good. Good. Now, third rule is,
if anybody touches you,
you know, inappropriately,
you've got all
the permission in the world
to beat
the living shit out of them.
Fine?
Everything makes sense with you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good. Oh, yeah.
Arrive 15 minutes early,
Alex will love you.
- [knock on door]
- Uh, talk of the devil.
Kid, you're up.
Let's go.
Oh, hey.
Why are you Faith?
'Cause everyone
needs a bit of faith
in their lives, darling.
[laughs]
I give her a week.
I'm the sixth queen
I'm the wrong queen
I've got mascara
Running through my bloodstream
I'm on the hot step
I've got a broken heart
I want to be a cherry-lipped
Little cheap tart
There's a boy
with a monobrow and clubfoot
And his family own
All the village huts
So I traveled to New York
Sold my crotch
For a dollar and a short
There's a symphony
In my heart
And I've lost all my morals
Down an alleyway,
Boot polish, sky gaze
Bloody murder, my life has
Moved in strange ways
I was the sixth queen
From the start
But I cast all my morals
On a tube train,
Boot polish, sky gaze
Bloody murder my life has
Moved in strange ways
[hums]
[applause]
[background music]
Hey.
Hey.
But what's your story?
What do you mean?
How did you
learn to sing like that?
Self-taught, darling.
I've been singing my whole life
ever since I was a little girl.
So, how did you end up here?
Mmh.
Well, when I told
my father I wanted to be
a singer,
he told me to get a real job.
And when I told him I wanted to
give blowjobs, he fucking lost it.
Kicked me out.
The worst thing is he was right.
There's no fucking money in it.
This is the best gig in town.
How old are you?
Don't ask a lady her age.
I'm 21.
How old are you?
- 74.
- Fuck it out.
Shouldn't you be in an old
people's home or something?
Listen, I don't piss
in my pants yet, you know.
And when I eat,
I drool just a little.
I mean, I can drive a car.
- There's a lot of fight left in me still.
- Mmh.
Well, you look good for
your age if that means anything.
Mmh. Yeah, it does.
Thank you. Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
Who do we have there?
A couple of fucking puffs?
- Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
- Fucking faggots.
It's not right.
Alright. Fuck off.
How are we gonna do it then?
One at a time or all at once?
I mean I got quite a tight ass, but
probably about three inches between you.
- Fuck you say?
- Well, that's why you're in this back alley, isn't it?
To get in my back alley.
- [smack]
- Oh, fuck.
- [punch]
- Oh. Jeez.
- What are you doing?
- Oh.
Are you alright?
I thought you said you still
had a bit of fight left in you.
- Oh.
- [spits]
- [thud] - Ouw!
- Fucking moron, dickhead.
[running feet]
Look what you've done!
Fucking cowards.
Fuck.
[Faith] You know, you didn't
have to put those back on.
[Jackie] I can't give up, you
know.
In hindsight, maybe we should've
gone back into the club.
You think so?
Yeah.
I just hate hitting people
like that, you know.
I haven't hit anybody
like that for 40 years.
How did it make you feel?
Good.
Makes you feel alive, right?
Briefly.
Do you want a coffee
or something?
Mmh? No. No. No.
I'm fine, really.
- Mmh?
- Could I borrow some money, please?
I left my purse at the club.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
[beeping]
[announcer]
Please go to room number five.
Look, there you go. It's alright
[announcer]
Please go to room number five.
Mr. Collins.
He's here.
The doctor will see you now.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[Jackie] And so, do you, uh,
do you want a lift anywhere?
[Faith] No, it's fine,
I have my car.
[Jackie] Well, that was
one hell of a night.
[Faith] It was fun.
[Jackie] I can
think of other words.
Are you working tomorrow night?
[Faith] Well, as long
as I'm not fired, yes.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll clear it with Alex,
you'll be fine.
Well, I suppose I'll
see you tomorrow then, Jackie.
Yes, tomorrow.
- Thank you.
- [blows kiss]
[laughs]
[car door banging]
Oh, fuck.
[crows cawing]
[knocking]
Fuck me, what?
Open, open it.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm sleeping in my car.
- You are sleeping in your car.
- Yes.
Oh, God. Look, get your things together.
Come on. Get out of there. Come with me.
Come with me. Just get out of
the car and come with me.
- Would you j... just get out of the car?
- Really?
Really. You can't sleep in your
bloody car for God's... Come on.
- You know, Jack...
- Just get your things, close the boot.
Get with me. Come on.
You keep me holding on
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Hey, chocolate
Sunrise, never mind
Smoke filled room
Blur my eyes
You fucked me
And I felt it...
Thank you so much for this, Jackie. I promise
it's only one night. Just one night.
No, listen. No, you can stay here
until you get somewhere permanent.
- Really?
- Yeah, fine. No, listen, you'll be very comfortable here.
Oh. [laughs] What? Ooh.
Great, fine.
That's... No, thank you.
That's lovely. Look, you...
You know, sleep well.
See you in the morning. Okay?
- Okay.
- I see. [laughs]
Thank you.
So what are you waiting for
You keep me holding on
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Hey, chocolate...
[Faith] Fuck!
Mm-hmm.
[background music]
Oh, what the fuck.
[music continues]
Oh, shit.
What the fuck are you doing?
- You scared me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, please, please, would you
turn the music down a little?
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
Now, can you please sit down?
I've made you breakfast.
You made me breakfast.
Yes, take a seat.
Oh, thank you very much.
Who's the girl
in all the pictures?
It's, um, it's my daughter.
- Daughter?
- Mm-hmm.
What's her name?
Her name's Lily.
So you're not one of us, then?
What do you mean one of us? Hmm?
The gays, darling.
- No, I'm not a gay.
- Fuck off.
No, it's true.
But I tell you one thing, right?
I-I do like dressing as a woman,
but I also like being with women.
Do you dress like a woman
outside of the club?
Hm.
Sort of as often as I can.
Well, there's plenty of
time to turn you, darling.
- What about you?
- I don't think that what's between my legs defines me.
I'd prefer not
to be stuck in a box.
Hm.
- Stereotyped.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not a guy. I'm not a girl.
- Hm.
I'm an individual.
I'm Faith.
Yeah, fine.
Where in the world is Lily?
[sighs] I, um, I don't know.
We, um... haven't
spoken for 10 years.
Why?
We had an argument.
Because?
Because I wouldn't go
to her mother's funeral.
Why?
[sigh] Well...
When my wife was dying,
she told me not to be there.
- She said that?
- Yeah, she did.
Because you enjoyed...
you liked to dress as a woman?
Daughter never forgave me.
[Alex] Jackie?
What the fuck are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I'm praying to the East.
Do you know how many different people's
piss is on that floor? Disgusting.
I do now. Thank you.
- Can I see you in my office two secs?
- Why? What's wrong?
Just two secs, two secs.
[sighs] Alright.
- Fuck!
- [Alex] Do you want a drink?
[deep sigh] Why the fuck not?
Alright.
[pouring] Here.
Thanks.
So, um,
so the kid's moved in with you?
Yes. Just for a little
while until he gets settled in.
You think that's
a good idea, do you?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
I mean the kid's only
21 years old, for fuck's sake.
I'm a little confused.
What are you-
what are you accusing me of?
I just don't think it's
a very good idea. That's all.
What? Because you think that I want to
fuck him? Is that what you're saying?
- Hey. That's not what I said.
- Oh, no, because you don't have the balls
- to say it to my face.
- Listen, we're just-
- talking here, alright?
- I am not gay.
- You're not?
- No, I am not.
- Well... Well, I just assumed.
- Oh, yes, you assumed.
Just because
I like wearing dresses,
I must like sucking cock.
Is that it?
Well, yeah.
Kind of.
Look, the kid has
got nowhere to live.
Do you know how
fucking scary that must be?
I know. Wait, hey. Would you?
Hey, he can stay with you.
- Would you like that?
- Listen, no. It's fine.
I think... I think you're
doing a-a good job.
Thanks for the fucking drink.
We live in an age where there's
brand new gender issues, isn't there?
And there's a lot
of genders going on
and some people
get a little bit confused.
For instance,
I know a guy, alright,
who used to be a guy
and she's now a girl.
And now that she's a girl, she's a
lesbian, and some people might say,
"I don't get that."
You know what?
I don't get that, but maybe it's
not for me to get, right?
Maybe it's just not
for me to understand.
But at the same, I reckon
give me a couple of years,
and slowly but surely,
all the names
for gender will
permeate my consciousness.
But in the meantime,
can everyone else
just calm the fuck down
if I accidentally say trannie?
[laughter]
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
now for the main event
of the evening.
Please stand your feet,
clap your hands,
and welcome
all the way to the microphone.
It's Jackie!
[applause]
Do you know what
a man's balanced diet is?
A beer bottle in each hand.
[laughter]
A man went into a candy shop,
had to buy some condoms,
and the cashier said,
"Um, do you want a bag?"
He said, "She's not that ugly."
[laughter]
[coughs] I do
love a dirty audience.
Do you know
the difference between a hooker
and-and-and [coughs]
a drug dealer?
Well,
a hooker can wash her crack
and resell it.
[coughs]
Oh, dear, oh dear. I'm so sorry.
My boyfriend was so rough
with me last night.
[coughs]
Do you know what the saggy boob
said to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support,
people would think we're nuts.
[coughs]
So, let me get this straight.
You haven't taken any of your pills?
- No, I haven't taken any of my pills.
- Because you dropped them?
- Yes, because I dropped them.
- In urine?
Yes, I dropped
them in the urine.
You know,
this isn't a joke, Mr. Collins.
Those pills are
meant to ease your pain.
You need to take them every day.
You know,
last night can't happen again.
Yeah, fine. Look, doc, just, you know,
write me another prescription for the pills
and I'll-I'll be on my way.
- So, you collapsed on stage?
- Yes, I collapsed on stage.
- Was it hot on the stage?
- What... Of course, it was hot on stage.
I mean, they've got lights and the
air conditioning hasn't worked since,
I don't know, mid-90s.
Look. I think you might
want to think about
taking a back step.
You mean giving up performing?
It's not helping you.
The stress, the conditions.
At your age, you should be
living a more relaxed life.
A more relaxed life? I'm dying,
for fuck's sake. How relaxed can you be?
- I mean that's what's happening to me, isn't, it doctor?
- Yes.
And there's absolutely nothing you can do
about it. I mean, with all of your expertise
and all the millions of pounds
they put in cancer research.
I mean, none of that's
gonna stop me from dying, right?
- Yes, that's correct.
- So, if I'm dying and there's nothing anyone can do about it,
I mean, you know, why should I
give up doing what I love?
I mean, what is that
gonna do for me, doctor?
Would it give me,
uh, one extra week,
two extra weeks?
I mean, fucking wonderful.
Dying is shit.
Did you know that?
It is...
It fucking sucks, doctor.
And look, if nothing
anybody can do about it
and I'm going to die, right,
well, I'm going to make certain
that I'm going to
enjoy the last few weeks
before leaving
this shitty, fucking planet.
Is that alright
with you, doctor?
Yes. That's okay.
Good.
Is he okay?
Oh, yes. He'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
[Faith is sobbing]
- [Jackie] Here, why don't you have a drink of whisky.
- [Faith] No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
It'll make a man of you.
[Faith] Okay, darling, I don't need
to be made a man of, but I'll try.
Okay.
Here you go.
Drink up.
Mm.
[spits]
I took you for a swallower.
- How can you make jokes at a time like this?
- What do you mean?
Well, look, you don't
even look like you give a shit.
I know what
my face is looking like,
but of course I give a shit,
of course I give a shit.
I mean, who...
I don't want to die.
Who the fuck wants
to die, eh? Hm?
Well, look, they cure cancer all the
time, maybe they can still do something.
Well, if they catch it
early enough.
Have they?
No, they never did.
What do we do now?
Get pissed.
Hm.
- Got a bit on the chin there.
- Yeah, I know.
- What about your daughter?
- What about her?
Well, you're gonna have to
tell her that you're dying.
Tell my daughter, who hates me,
that I'm gonna die?
Yes, absolutely.
[Jackie sighs]
I wouldn't even
know where to find her.
Facebook.
What the fuck is Facebook?
- Is this the first laptop ever invented?
- I bought it in a boot sale.
- You bought a laptop at a car boot sale?
- I bought it in a boot sale.
- Does it even have the Internet?
- What's the Internet? Come on.
'Course I know what
the fucking Internet is.
I mean, where's your sense of humor?
I'm the one who's dying.
I'm not a
fucking caveman, you know.
- Coming from the man who didn't know what Facebook is.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, let me set
this profile up for you.
- Do you want to set one up?
- Well, wh... why?
I'm gonna be dead in a month.
- Do you have to be so fucking blunt about it?
- I'm sorry. I really...
You're not
gonna cry again, are you?
Well, no. I'm just
a very emotional person.
Okay, fine. Now, tell me,
How... how do I find my daughter?
What's her name?
Lily Collins.
Wait, so that means
that you're Jackie Collins?
No, I'm Jack Collins.
Jack, well, you know...
How am I only just
finding that out now?
You've never asked me before.
- Jack Collins.
- Jack.
- Jack Collins.
- Jack. J-A-C-K.
- Okay.
- Right.
- Is this her?
- No, that's not her.
There's quite a few left.
No, no, I'm fine. Next.
No, no, that's not her.
No, whoa...
Is it...
That's my little girl.
Should we send her
a message, then?
An email perhaps,
you have email, right?
I've got email,
yeah, I've got email.
But tell me, a message.
But what... what...
- I mean, what am I gonna say?
- Well, just invite her for a coffee or something.
The last time I invited her for a cup of coffee,
she said she never wanted to see me again.
- Yeah, because she was angry. You just apologize.
- Apologize?
What do you mean apologize? It's
not gonna be easy just saying,
"Oh, girl, I'm sorry." You know,
it's not gonna be that easy.
Yeah, well, get on your hands
and knees and beg, Jackie.
- This is your daughter we're talking about.
- Alright.
- Alright?
- Yes. Okay.
I've got to go to
the little girls room.
- Okay, it's fine.
- I expect you to have
- a full message written.
- I'm gonna do it.
I'm going to do it.
- Do it.
- I'm doing it. Can't you see I'm doing it?
Fuck.
Dearest Lily...
[sighs]
I've got so much to say.
I really don't
know how to begin.
I... I know you hate me.
I know you hate me.
I really don't blame you.
I'm...
Oh, I made
the most terrible mistake.
And I would really, um...
I mean I'd love to, you know,
have a... a cup of coffee
because um, I really miss you.
Miss you, you.
And I... I'm so sorry.
I... made so many mistakes.
I apologize.
I miss you and I love you.
I'm so sorry
I wasn't there for you.
I'm so sorry I
wasn't there for you.
I love you.
Dad.
[soft music]
[footsteps]
Fucking elegant, Jesus.
[radio playing music]
[coughs]
[song on radio] You're
everything I need to survive
I'm broken, baby,
Help me to fly
I wish it was only you
Let it be only you
Could it be only you and I
So won't you bring me
Back to the light
I wish it was only you, yeah
Let it be only you, oh
Could it be only you and I
So won't you bring me
Back to the light
[waves lapping]
[club music]
Thank you, darling.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You look fabulous.
So this is, um, this was
what was on your bucket list?
Yeah, well, um,
I haven't seen a pair of
breasts, you know,
for about 20 years, you know.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't even know these places
were open in the day, to be honest.
No, neither did.
You know,
they do toasted sandwiches here.
- What?
- Do you fancy a toasted sandwich?
Uh, yeah, I mean, why not?
Great.
[club music]
Fucking hell.
I know.
You wanna dance with her?
No, come on,
I'm too old to dance with her.
No, you idiot,
she dances for you.
What?
You do nothing.
Come on, let me treat you.
No, no, really,
no, really. No. No. [laughs]
I mean,
I wouldn't know what to do.
You literally do nothing.
Stop being a testicle?
I'm not... [sighs]
Now, which one do you fancy?
How long have you
been doing this?
Nearly a year.
Do you... do you like it?
- It's alright.
- Uh-huh.
To meet some interesting people.
Um, listen, you
really don't have to do this.
I mean, I can tell my friend that
you did if you don't want to.
You don't want me
to dance for you?
Well, well, yes, I do, but,
you see, I'm, I'm very old now.
And, um, and listen, kid,
- I could be your grandfather.
- You're serious, aren't you?
Yeah, I don't want
[indistinct] weird about it.
Just sit back, okay?
I don't want you to feel
like you have to do this. You...
What's a handsome man
like you doing in
a strip club
at three in the afternoon?
Well, I really didn't
have anywhere else to go.
Oh, well, you know how
to make a girl feel special.
- Oh, no. Sorry. No, I didn't mean that.
- I'm fucking with you.
It's just, um, it... it's
that I haven't, you know, seen,
I mean, really,
seen a woman for 20 years.
And, you know, when you get an
old man like me, you know, look at
girls and people think you're like
a, you know, a dirty old man.
Some sort of awful pervert
or something like that.
And, you know, mind you,
I could be something back in the '60s.
Do you know, I-I was really...
A lot of people thought
I was, you know,
and sort of that desirable.
I bet you used to get
all the girls back in the day.
Well, there was really only one.
We were high school sweethearts.
Aw, cute.
How long were you together?
- 54 years.
- Fuck off.
Yes. [laughs] Yeah.
Um, you haven't got a fella?
I'm not really into boys,
if you know what I mean.
- What do you mean boys?
- I prefer women.
Oh, you do? Oh, that's fine.
Oh, good on you. That's fine.
I don't mind...
That's good. Good.
So... what do you think?
Amazing.
Thank you. Give me your hand.
No, don't, really,
really, don't, no, no.
- Give me your hand, it's grand.
- They're cold.
You have very soft hands.
Thank you.
I moisturize.
I don't even know your name.
Jack.
Well, Jack, it's been
a pleasure to dance for you.
- Thank you, it has.
- Come and see me again some time.
Oh, yeah, definitely. Listen,
please, oh, wait a minute.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, really, really, look, please,
I-I really,
I really want you to take it.
- No, you really don't have to.
- No, no, thank you, no,
you know, for the nice talk.
I loved it.
Thank you.
- [Faith] Hey, hold on, big boy.
- Mh.
- Hold this for me a second.
- Yeah.
Hold this.
Oh, right.
Thank you. I'll have that back.
- Oh, yeah.
- How was it?
Spectacular.
I mean, she was cute.
If I was straight,
I'd totally ask her to
sit in the back
of the cinema with me.
[laughs] What about you?
What about me?
- You know, you got a fella?
- No.
I mean, there was this one boy,
but, um, didn't work out.
Why?
I suppose I loved him
more than he loved me.
- It's a very complex thing, love.
- Mm.
Sometimes I wonder why
we only have one word for it.
Do you ever speak with him?
- No, nothing left to say.
- Mm-hmm.
Plus, I'm not the first person
to have my heart broken.
- Fucking no. It's depressing enough as it is.
- [laughs]
Come on,
what else do you wanna do?
Well, there is... there is
something I'd like to do.
So, listen, I'll see you tonight
at the club? Alright?
Sure, yeah, no problem.
[sinister music]
[gulls squawking]
Well, um, where to begin?
Oh, yes, I went to a...
a strip club today.
I met this lovely girl.
Oh, no.
Nothing like that.
She showed me her breasts,
they were amazing.
I mean just like... Well, actually,
yours were nicer, they were.
Well, um, how've you been?
I'm sorry I haven't
really been around too often.
Because I didn't think
you really wanted me to
and I still...
Still don't think you do.
Well, um,
I have a bit of bad news.
You see, I'm dying.
I'm dying real quick.
So, I'll be
seeing you real soon.
I... I don't know
how you feel about that
because... I'm a little
nervous my... myself.
And anyway I...
I really wanted to come
and tell you and, um,
ask you a favor.
See, when I come up there,
um, please don't shout at me.
Because, um,
I don't think I could
stand for that all eternity
because I know you...
You hate me.
But I never... I never
really wanted you to know.
I'm so sorry
I wasn't at the funeral.
I really wanted to be, but how
could I be when you didn't want me.
I... loved you too much to,
you know, hurt you again.
I've never...
I've never stopped loving you.
I really should be going.
I am so terribly sorry.
[sighs] Well, see you real soon.
Yeah.
- [Faith] I'll fucking kill you.
- [Mollie] I'd like to see you try, baby.
- Fuck this...
- [Faith] Ever since I came
to this club, you've been
trying to take my shit.
- Get the fuck off me.
- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- You fucking piece of shit.
- What the fuck is going on here?
- This bitch is trying
to steal my fucking style.
It's just a coincidence.
Beyonc here decides
- to lose her shit about it.
- Fuck you.
- You're just jealous of my ass.
- Bitch, please.
Look, would you just fuck...
Get the fuck out of here.
Just go.
Jesus, what are you doing?
- That little shit is just wearing my makeup.
- He's just a kid.
He's 21. He knows
not to be a little cunt.
- Oh, you, you are just jealous.
- What are you talking about?
Well, actually what I'm
talking about, you're nearly 50.
No matter how much
you pull yourself in.
No matter how many dresses you
wear, you're still gonna look
older than him and he's still
gonna look younger than you.
I'm like a fine wine, darling.
I get better with age.
Yes, of course,
and some of the greatest wines
- I ever drunk were old.
- Exactly.
But then I thought to myself,
"They're not fucking worth it."
- Are you alright?
- Who the fuck does she think she is?
- I mean, what is going on?
- What do you mean?
What do I mean?
You had Mollie on the floor.
You were beating
the living shit out of her.
What do you want to say, Jackie?
I want you to tell me the truth.
- Do you want the truth?
- Yes, I do.
The fuck all, alright?
The fuck, I'm singing
for 40 a night,
I'm sleeping
on your fucking sofa.
My dad hates me.
I broke my favorite
pair of fucking heels today.
I don't have much,
but I've got style.
So when someone tries to take
it from me, it pisses me off.
You've always got me, Faith.
Yeah, not for much longer.
Okay, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
Oh, yes you did.
Jackie.
Fuck.
[somber music]
Come my, little monkey
Quiet now, my pet
Don't be such as sore puss
Don't be so upset
All above the rainbow
I've got color you can borrow
Don't be such a shady
I won't let you fail
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtains
And open up your window
I can be your light
Let's climb up your mountain
I've got dynamite
Let's blow up your burden
It's blocking up your sight
Step out of that photo
Let me be your shoulder
Lower down your thunderbolt
Don't be so upset
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your light
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your light
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your love
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your love
[coughs]
I can be your love
I can be your love
I can be I can be your love
I can be your love
I can be your love...
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
I'm having
a cheeky fag before work.
why didn't you
come home last night?
Uh, I didn't
think you wanted me to.
[sighs] What are
you talking about?
You know, after what I said.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Listen, I'm not your dad,
you know that.
Look, you've always
got a home with me, really.
Thank you, Jackie.
You better have a shower, do you
know I can smell you right from here?
[giggles]
So, do you have anything else
on your bucket list?
Yes, yes, there is something.
So, this is the place?
Yeah, looks like it.
Do you want us to
go in together?
Well, of course
we're gonna go in together.
Okay, well, do I look good?
Yes, you look good. What?
What the fuck, it's just a
drug dealer for, Christ's sake.
- And?
- You look lovely.
Come on.
Come on, Faith.
Give me a [inaudible]
[hooting]
[hooting]
[music playing]
You're, uh, Daryl?
Yeah.
This is Bianca.
Very pleased to
meet you, Bianca.
She's sleeping.
What is it you want?
Um, Alex gave me your address
and he said that he would
text you, or call you and say
that we were gonna pop by.
I didn't get a text.
You didn't get a text?
- This is not gonna be very good.
- I told you.
It's fucking one in the morning.
You're a guy, right?
It depends what
your definition of a guy is.
Well, you got a cock.
Yes, I do, yeah.
So, you're a guy then?
I mean, it's a little
more complicated than that,
but it's late,
so I'd agree to disagree.
Disagree that you've got a cock?
Disagree that
that's what makes me a man.
Well, I don't get it, guys got
cocks, women have got pussies.
Simple as that, ain't it, mate?
What about you?
- I think we ought to be going.
- I think so too.
No, no, no. stay there.
- You got money, right?
- Yes, I have, yeah.
Let's do a bit of business.
What is it you want?
Um, what have you got?
She's in a candy shop.
I'm not your sugar daddy.
Doesn't make any sense.
The fuck did you say?
Uh, nothing.
You have coke?
Of course I've got coke.
Yes.
How much do you want?
Um, how much
do people usually take?
Of cocaine?
Yes, of cocaine.
Is it just for tonight?
It was just for
a one-off thing. [coughs]
- Okay, well, a gram should do you.
- Ok, yeah, fine. Gram.
- Alright.
- [cough]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. No, sure, I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
That will be 90.
Pounds?
Yes, pounds.
Lot of difference from the '60s.
Got off a bit since then. Yeah.
Okay, 90.
I'm a little bit short.
You've got a fiver?
You're not serious, are you?
Oy!
- 20, 30...
- Oy!
- Excuse me, I'm counting.
- It's not a fairground. I don't take coppers.
We didn't know it was
gonna be, you know, this much.
Just fuck off out of my flat.
Just get out.
Look. Can I give you 85
for half a gram?
Is that alright?
Yes, just give us that money.
Come on. Come on.
- Give us it.
- Thank you very much.
There you go now, bugger off.
Thank you very much. Sorry.
And you, twinkle tits, piss off.
That's a lovely jacket, really.
[background music]
Kim, fruit case, uh, see that?
Confusing. Fuck it.
[music playing]
So long, so long, so long
Sending out a message to
The corners of the universe
A mayday for Mother Earth
The situation's
So much worse than I thought
Can you hear the voices
In the middle of the Milky Way
From 10 billion miles away
This is not where I belong
Take me home, take me home
Sending out a message to
The corners of the universe
A mayday for Mother Earth
The situation's
So much worse than I thought
Can you hear the voices
in the middle of the Milky Way
From 10 billion miles away
This is not where I belong
Take me home, take me home
Bloody thing.
[coughs]
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
- [coughs]
- It's okay, it's okay.
- [coughs]
- It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
- [coughs and gasps]
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- [Faith] I have a question.
- [Jack] Yeah.
When did you first
start wearing women's clothes?
When did I start?
Well, when did I start?
I'm stupid for doing it.
Must be... must be
near on 50 years now.
Why?
Why? Why?
Makes me feel
a different person.
- Different?
- Mm-hmm.
And so you just
kept it a secret.
I just preferred
not to tell anybody.
- So then why did you tell your wife?
- I didn't.
She came home early one day
and she saw me
dancing to Tom Jones.
So?
Wearing her wedding dress.
- [laughs]
- No, it's not funny.
- Fuck.
- Yeah, fuck.
I must say that you do make
a very attractive woman, Jackie.
Oh, for Christ's sake, don't...
Fuck off, Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna get out of the fucking
bath, I got enough wrinkles.
Yes, you do.
[sinister music]
[tattoo machine buzzing]
You have really pretty nails.
Do I?
Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.
My mom said I'm not allowed
to pick nails until I'm older.
But you know something? I think... I think
your mommy is a very, very wise lady.
- She is.
- Yes.
It's okay, though,
it's my birthday soon.
Is it your birthday?
Yes, and I'm turning six.
Wow, six.
How old are you?
How old do you think I am?
Old, like 20.
- That's near enough.
- Rosie.
Rosie, what have I told you
about running away like that?
- No, it's really...
- Sorry, mommy.
It's really alright, she's a...
She's a lovely little girl.
- Thank you. Has she been bothering you?
- No, no, no, she's been lovely.
- Say goodbye, Rosie.
- Bye.
Bye, bye, Rosie,
very nice meeting you.
- Bye.
- Bye, bye.
[laughs] What...
what is all this?
- Surprise.
- Did you cook this?
Yes, uh, well, [indistinct] when
I cooked this from a distance.
It was in this recipe book.
Please take a seat.
Oh. Thank you.
You haven't tried it yet,
it could be shit.
No, I'm saying
thank you... for everything.
You know, if, um, if I had a son,
I'd want him to be exactly like you.
You know, that's, um,
a really lovely thing to say.
You're like the cross-dressing
granddad I always wanted.
- Really?
- Mmh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Oh, and eye contact, otherwise it's seven years of bad sex.
- Seven years?
I don't think
I have to worry about that.
Fuck you, I was
talking about me.
Alright, then, go on, try it.
Mm.
Mm. Would you try
and get a takeaway?
- Mm.
- Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Finish up.
Do you know why
God created orgasms?
So that women could moan
even when they're having fun.
There was this old lady
and she went in to the dentist,
waited her turn, she went
inside, took her knickers off,
sat in the chair,
lifted her legs up high.
And the dentist said, "Excuse me,
madam, I'm not a gynecologist."
And the old lady said,
"I know, I just
want you to remove
my husband's teeth."
[laughter]
Is that too much, is it? Oh.
Well, there's this
young man, and he took a big
bouquet of flowers
back to his girlfriend.
The girlfriend said, "Uh,
I suppose I've got to open my legs now."
He said,
"Why, don't we have a vase?"
[laughter]
'Cause the airplane was
crashing, the girl got up
and screamed, she said,
"Oh, I'm gonna die."
So she stripped
herself naked, she said,
"If I'm gonna die,
I want to feel like a woman.
Is there any man here who can
make me feel like a woman?"
So a man stood up, ripped off his shirt,
threw it at her and said, "Here, wash that."
I said to my father, I said, "Oh,
I'm so tired of running around in circles."
So he nailed
my other foot to the floor.
I used to be
a very good father, oh, yes.
[tense music]
And I... I sang
to my little girl every night.
I told her little stories.
Christmas time,
I'd dress up as Father Christmas
and then she'd leave little
mince pies by the fireplace
for when Father Christmas
came down to eat.
Fuck, they were stale.
And then I used to dream.
I used to dream
wonderful dreams for her.
And that's the way
it should have been.
Oh, but dear, I did fuck up.
And so I haven't seen my little
girl for, ooh... 10 years.
So one day, you know,
I'm going to solve my problem,
but tonight
it's got to be through whisky.
[audience applauds and cheers]
You were very funny tonight.
[laughs] Thank you.
Wow, uh, you look...
You look really... great.
Thank you.
So do you.
Well, I'm a bit old, you know.
I think it suits you.
Thank you. [chuckles]
How many more times do you think
we're gonna say thank you?
I, um, I thought you never
wanted to speak to me again.
No, I didn't.
What changed your mind?
I found a little Faith.
What did he say?
Well, he... he told me everything
that you've done for him,
which is pretty amazing.
And, um... And he told me that you
were ill. I hope it's nothing serious.
No, no, no,
just a bit of a cough.
- Nothing serious at all.
- So you've been to a doctor?
Oh, yes, I've been to the...
yeah, but I don't like making a fuss.
You love to make a fuss.
Only around you.
Got a question.
Mm-hmm.
- Where do you buy all your clothes?
- Where I buy my clothes?
Yeah, well, I mean, you know,
you're quite a big guy. I mean tall. Tall.
- Yes, 5'10.
- You know what I mean.
Yeah, but, you know, they do... they have
shops for fat women as well, you know.
So what about you?
I mean, what's, um, what's new?
Uh, well, I'm an architect.
You're an arch... Really?
Wow.
Yeah, I'm living up in London.
I won't hold that against you.
- Got a dog and...
- Oh, wait, what is this? What...
Oh, yeah,
and I'm getting married.
You're getting married?
Oh, god! Congratulations.
Thank you.
Um, has he got a name?
- Mark.
- Mark, beautiful name.
Have you... have you set a date?
Yeah, it's in a month.
In a month.
What about you, dad?
Anyone special in your life?
- What do you mean? Like a lady?
- Yeah.
- No, no.
- Why?
Well, I mean.
I am a little old now, you know.
- A little old to fall in love.
- [laughs]
- I am really sorry about everything.
- I know. I know you are.
I always have known that you've been sorry,
but that doesn't make it any easier, does it?
- I really loved your mother.
- Yes, and she loved you too.
I genuinely believe
she died of a broken heart.
- Look, I am so sorry, really.
- Do you know what?
I hated you for
the way you made her feel.
I hated you for all the shit
you put me through at school.
Do you know I hated you the most
because you just gave up on us.
Do you think that's what I did?
Mom died.
All I wanted was a hug.
I didn't give a fuck that you were wearing a
dress, you're my dad and you weren't there.
I mean, your mother... Your mother was
so... I don't know, she was embarrassed,
she was humiliated,
she hated it.
She didn't want me there.
I wanted you there.
I wanted you there.
There's not one day that passes
when I don't wish that
I could turn back time,
that I could wear that suit, but I can't.
I just, I...
I can't turn back the time.
All I can try and do is...
is make up for it now with you.
- I can... But it's just that I...
- It's just that what?
Lily, it's just that I'm-
I'm not sure how to do that
anymore, you see, I...
I don't think I... I don't think
I can remember how to be a dad.
But that's so easy.
You just have to love me.
Of course, I love you.
I've always loved you,
you're my little girl.
[Jack sobs]
Okay, okay, but this is it, alright?
No second chances.
You fucked up once and you cannot fuck up
again, dad, because I need you in my life.
I am here now for you.
I am-I promise you I'm here.
Dad I-I want you
to walk me down the aisle.
[Jack sobs]
In a month, hmm?
Yeah, I will. I will.
But you have to
promise me one thing.
Hmm?
You cannot wear
a better dress than me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I've told Mark about...
He's just
so excited to meet you.
Thanks.
Look, I better go.
It's getting late.
- Do you need a lift anywhere?
- No, I drove.
- You haven't had too much to drink?
- I had one.
Oh, you had one. That is okay.
[laughs]
What are you doing Friday night?
Friday night...
Oh, one show,
only at ten o'clock, though.
So, do you wanna
meet sometime before?
Oh, I would love really love to.
Great, I'll, um,
leave a message for you
if I'm able to
come to your place.
I won't be here right up to
[voices are muted]
[soft music]
[laughter]
So, one day this beautiful woman
walks into a doctor's surgery.
In fact, she's so attractive that
the doctor loses all professionalism.
He says to her,
"Take down your trousers"
and begins to touch her thighs.
He says, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
She says, "Yes,
checking for abnormalities."
Then he asks her
to take off her bra,
- starts massaging her breasts.
- [audience hooting]
He says, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
She said,
"Yes, checking for cancer."
Then he got her to take her panties
off and laid her on the table
and starts having sex with her and
says, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
And she says, "Yes, getting
herpes, that's why I'm here."
[laughter]
A good friend of mine
told me that joke.
He was a great man before
he got all selfish and died.
The truth is,
he was like a father to me,
but he was a father
to his daughter Lily.
Just before he passed,
he walked his lovely daughter
down the aisle.
To me, he was granddad,
to Lily, he was dad.
But to you all,
he was simply Jackie.
[audience cheers]
[playing "Rocket (Skit)"
by Elli Ingram]
Lay on the wing
Of a rocket to paradise
Blue in the sky
Blue of his eye
My pilot who drives me high
Popcorn and apple pie
It's so divine
In this gold moonlight
Candy-colored clouds
There's no coming down
Let's stay for a while
Baby, I want you, you're
My world and my weakness
It's true, the captain of
This love is you
Fly me up
Throw me down in the stars
Flying first class with you
In the stars
Flying first class with you
["Tucked"
by Sam Beveridge playing]
I never told you
All about these scars of mine
Collected them quietly All
throughout My long and lonely time
But let me tell you
How they came to be
Let me show you the real me
And peacefully broken down From a
life That I've spent out on stage
But none of that matters now
Our history will be
Washed out in the waves
So hold me now
I will never let you go
You will be my final show
I tucked you
Away from it all
When you were so small
I tucked you
Away from it all
I tucked you discreetly away
I never got to see All your
childhood dreams Just coming true
Yet from so many miles apart I knew
exactly what You were going through
Because those same people That looked
at me with Judgment in their eyes
Although wearing my disguise
That's why I tucked you
Away from it all
When you were so small
I tucked you
Away from it all
I tucked you discreetly away
That's why I tucked you
Away from it all
When you were so small
I tucked you
Away from it all
I tucked you discreetly away
[applause]
[music]
[lip sync] First I was
afraid I was petrified
Kept thinking
I could never live
Without you by my side
But then I spent
So many nights
Thinking how
You did me wrong
And I grew strong
And I learned
How to get along
And so you're back
From outer space
I just walked in
To find you here
With that sad look
Upon your face
I should have
Changed that stupid lock
I should have
Made you leave your key
If I'd known
For just one second
You'd be back to bother me
Go on now, go,
walk out the door
Just turn around now
'Cause you're not
Welcome anymore
Weren't you
The one who tried
To hurt me with goodbye
Do you think I'd crumble
Did you think
I'd lay down and die
Oh, no, not I,
I will survive
Oh, as long as
I know how to love
I know I'll stay alive
I've got all my life to live
And I've got
All my love to give
And I'll survive
I will survive, hey, hey
[applause]
[cheering]
Thank you, I do love applause
but just throw money next time.
[laughter]
Oh, good evening,
my beautiful kings
and queens.
Look, if you want to take
a photograph, take it now.
Because this is
as good as I get.
It's very unprofessional
to drink on stage,
so could you help me down?
[exhales]
Oh, thank you, sir.
Oh, you're lovely.
[laughter]
Cheers. Hmm.
- Oh, that's fucking better.
- [laughter]
Is there any lesbians here?
Lesbi... Oooh, yes, yes.
How long
have you known each other?
20 minutes? Did I offend you?
Thank fuck for that.
[laughter]
Oooh, hello, big boy.
Tell me something, [clears throat] if
I had a rooster and you had a donkey,
and your donkey
hit my rooster, what
what would you have? Hmm?
My cock in your ass.
[laughter]
[laughs] Oh, I do love
a dirty audience.
Are you two together?
No shit.
Um... Oh, hello.
Are you alone? Oh, dear.
[clears throat] Do you
know the difference
between erotic and kinky?
Let's see, an erotic person
uses a feather,
and the kinky person uses
a whole fucking chicken.
[laughter]
Oh, oh, sorry, boys,
he looks better.
Oh, tell me something, big boy.
Are you gay?
Wait, you're straight?
So is spaghetti
until it gets hot and wet.
Is there a married couple here?
Oh, oh, yes.
You look married to me.
[chuckles]
How quaint. Tell me something,
do you know
the difference between
your job and your wife?
After five years
your job will still suck.
[laughter]
[chuckles] Sorry, darling.
You know
why men are like motorcars?
Because they always
pull out before
checking to see if
anybody else is coming.
[laughter]
Oh, you see,
darlings, I'm not fat.
I'm just easier to see.
[laughter]
[applause]
[cheering]
[music]
There's a hue of blue
In the air around you
As I say
I see nothing but sheets
Of grey
Sliding over us for days
I've been told
It might be easy
[coughs]
I've been told to forgive me
[coughs]
It isn't easy, oh
[coughs]
[glass breaks]
[doctor] I'm so sorry,
Mr. Collins.
Is there someone
I can call for you?
- Family? Friends?
- Pardon?
[doctor] You have
any family or friends
I could call for you?
No, I've...
no family, no friends.
[doctor] I understand.
This must have come
as quite a shock.
Yes, you could say that.
Um, how long...
How long have I got?
[doctor] It's hard to say.
Maybe six, seven weeks.
Got an expiry date like
a piece of fucking chicken.
[doctor] You have an aggressive
form of cancer, mister Collins.
It's spreading quickly.
There's a group of people
who meet on Wednesday nights.
It might help maybe
to talk with people who
are going through
the same thing.
I don't want to
spend the last six weeks
of my life talking about
the last six weeks of my life.
[doctor] I can understand that.
In the meantime,
I'm going to prescribe something
that will ease
the pain a little bit.
Make sure
you take these twice daily.
Okay?
[club sounds in the background]
[knocking on door]
Jackie, you in there?
- What are you doing?
- Taking a shit.
- That's not very lady-like, is it?
- Neither is my cock.
Listen, we've got, uh... We've
got a new kid start tonight.
His name's Faith, just
want you to show him around.
You know, make him feel at home.
Look, I am not
a fucking babysitter.
I'm not asking you to hold his fucking
hand whilst he crosses the street, okay?
Just give him a
little tour round, okay?
Where is he?
He's in the dressing room.
Thank you very much.
Ta-ta, ta-ta.
Fucking unbelievable.
Oh, fuckin' hell.
Jesus.
[tears paper]
[club music]
Anyway [indistinct]
Threw up all over his cock.
Well, it's safe to say
you're never gonna
- make a sword swallower, dear.
- [laughs] What does he...
Hey, um, exc... You're Faith?
- Faith? Faith?
- Yes, I am. And you are?
I am your fairy godmother,
you can call me Jackie.
You're Jackie?
I am.
The one and only Jackie.
I [chuckles] didn't
expect you to be so...
Old, old? I know, old.
Well, you gotta
pay the bills, kid.
Do you mind?
You're sitting in my chair.
Oh, sorry.
[exhales] How do you
walk in those high heels?
- I've been practicing since I was nine.
- Mm-hmm.
So, tell me, ahem, what is it you do?
You know, what's your thing?
You're a comedian, you dance,
you sing? What is it?
- What's your thing?
- I'm a singer.
Oh, you're a s...
Mollie, you think you got
a bit of competition here.
Oh, bitch, please, the BFG ain't
got nothing on this, honey.
[laughs] Don't worry about her.
She's all bark and no bite.
Now, listen, couple of rules
you've, uh, gotta know.
First of all, there's
no fucking the customers.
Now, I know that sounds
very obvious, but...
I mean, you've got no idea how...
No, no, it happens.
So, whatever
you've got in your panties,
you just keep it in there.
Alright?
- Mm-hmm.
- Secondly, all your tips are your own.
We don't share shit here.
Now, you know, generally,
the audience are pretty,
you know, generous as long
as you give them what they want.
Well, within reason, remember.
- What's the first rule?
- No fucking the customers.
Good. Good. Now, third rule is,
if anybody touches you,
you know, inappropriately,
you've got all
the permission in the world
to beat
the living shit out of them.
Fine?
Everything makes sense with you?
- Mm-hmm.
- Good. Oh, yeah.
Arrive 15 minutes early,
Alex will love you.
- [knock on door]
- Uh, talk of the devil.
Kid, you're up.
Let's go.
Oh, hey.
Why are you Faith?
'Cause everyone
needs a bit of faith
in their lives, darling.
[laughs]
I give her a week.
I'm the sixth queen
I'm the wrong queen
I've got mascara
Running through my bloodstream
I'm on the hot step
I've got a broken heart
I want to be a cherry-lipped
Little cheap tart
There's a boy
with a monobrow and clubfoot
And his family own
All the village huts
So I traveled to New York
Sold my crotch
For a dollar and a short
There's a symphony
In my heart
And I've lost all my morals
Down an alleyway,
Boot polish, sky gaze
Bloody murder, my life has
Moved in strange ways
I was the sixth queen
From the start
But I cast all my morals
On a tube train,
Boot polish, sky gaze
Bloody murder my life has
Moved in strange ways
[hums]
[applause]
[background music]
Hey.
Hey.
But what's your story?
What do you mean?
How did you
learn to sing like that?
Self-taught, darling.
I've been singing my whole life
ever since I was a little girl.
So, how did you end up here?
Mmh.
Well, when I told
my father I wanted to be
a singer,
he told me to get a real job.
And when I told him I wanted to
give blowjobs, he fucking lost it.
Kicked me out.
The worst thing is he was right.
There's no fucking money in it.
This is the best gig in town.
How old are you?
Don't ask a lady her age.
I'm 21.
How old are you?
- 74.
- Fuck it out.
Shouldn't you be in an old
people's home or something?
Listen, I don't piss
in my pants yet, you know.
And when I eat,
I drool just a little.
I mean, I can drive a car.
- There's a lot of fight left in me still.
- Mmh.
Well, you look good for
your age if that means anything.
Mmh. Yeah, it does.
Thank you. Yeah.
Hey. Hey.
Who do we have there?
A couple of fucking puffs?
- Yeah. Come on. Let's go.
- Fucking faggots.
It's not right.
Alright. Fuck off.
How are we gonna do it then?
One at a time or all at once?
I mean I got quite a tight ass, but
probably about three inches between you.
- Fuck you say?
- Well, that's why you're in this back alley, isn't it?
To get in my back alley.
- [smack]
- Oh, fuck.
- [punch]
- Oh. Jeez.
- What are you doing?
- Oh.
Are you alright?
I thought you said you still
had a bit of fight left in you.
- Oh.
- [spits]
- [thud] - Ouw!
- Fucking moron, dickhead.
[running feet]
Look what you've done!
Fucking cowards.
Fuck.
[Faith] You know, you didn't
have to put those back on.
[Jackie] I can't give up, you
know.
In hindsight, maybe we should've
gone back into the club.
You think so?
Yeah.
I just hate hitting people
like that, you know.
I haven't hit anybody
like that for 40 years.
How did it make you feel?
Good.
Makes you feel alive, right?
Briefly.
Do you want a coffee
or something?
Mmh? No. No. No.
I'm fine, really.
- Mmh?
- Could I borrow some money, please?
I left my purse at the club.
Yeah, yeah, of course.
[beeping]
[announcer]
Please go to room number five.
Look, there you go. It's alright
[announcer]
Please go to room number five.
Mr. Collins.
He's here.
The doctor will see you now.
Thank you.
[sighs]
[Jackie] And so, do you, uh,
do you want a lift anywhere?
[Faith] No, it's fine,
I have my car.
[Jackie] Well, that was
one hell of a night.
[Faith] It was fun.
[Jackie] I can
think of other words.
Are you working tomorrow night?
[Faith] Well, as long
as I'm not fired, yes.
Oh, don't worry about that.
I'll clear it with Alex,
you'll be fine.
Well, I suppose I'll
see you tomorrow then, Jackie.
Yes, tomorrow.
- Thank you.
- [blows kiss]
[laughs]
[car door banging]
Oh, fuck.
[crows cawing]
[knocking]
Fuck me, what?
Open, open it.
- What the fuck are you doing?
- I'm sleeping in my car.
- You are sleeping in your car.
- Yes.
Oh, God. Look, get your things together.
Come on. Get out of there. Come with me.
Come with me. Just get out of
the car and come with me.
- Would you j... just get out of the car?
- Really?
Really. You can't sleep in your
bloody car for God's... Come on.
- You know, Jack...
- Just get your things, close the boot.
Get with me. Come on.
You keep me holding on
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Hey, chocolate
Sunrise, never mind
Smoke filled room
Blur my eyes
You fucked me
And I felt it...
Thank you so much for this, Jackie. I promise
it's only one night. Just one night.
No, listen. No, you can stay here
until you get somewhere permanent.
- Really?
- Yeah, fine. No, listen, you'll be very comfortable here.
Oh. [laughs] What? Ooh.
Great, fine.
That's... No, thank you.
That's lovely. Look, you...
You know, sleep well.
See you in the morning. Okay?
- Okay.
- I see. [laughs]
Thank you.
So what are you waiting for
You keep me holding on
Ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh-ooh
Hey, chocolate...
[Faith] Fuck!
Mm-hmm.
[background music]
Oh, what the fuck.
[music continues]
Oh, shit.
What the fuck are you doing?
- You scared me.
- Oh, I'm sorry.
Look, please, please, would you
turn the music down a little?
- I'm sorry.
- Thank you.
Now, can you please sit down?
I've made you breakfast.
You made me breakfast.
Yes, take a seat.
Oh, thank you very much.
Who's the girl
in all the pictures?
It's, um, it's my daughter.
- Daughter?
- Mm-hmm.
What's her name?
Her name's Lily.
So you're not one of us, then?
What do you mean one of us? Hmm?
The gays, darling.
- No, I'm not a gay.
- Fuck off.
No, it's true.
But I tell you one thing, right?
I-I do like dressing as a woman,
but I also like being with women.
Do you dress like a woman
outside of the club?
Hm.
Sort of as often as I can.
Well, there's plenty of
time to turn you, darling.
- What about you?
- I don't think that what's between my legs defines me.
I'd prefer not
to be stuck in a box.
Hm.
- Stereotyped.
- Mm-hmm.
- I'm not a guy. I'm not a girl.
- Hm.
I'm an individual.
I'm Faith.
Yeah, fine.
Where in the world is Lily?
[sighs] I, um, I don't know.
We, um... haven't
spoken for 10 years.
Why?
We had an argument.
Because?
Because I wouldn't go
to her mother's funeral.
Why?
[sigh] Well...
When my wife was dying,
she told me not to be there.
- She said that?
- Yeah, she did.
Because you enjoyed...
you liked to dress as a woman?
Daughter never forgave me.
[Alex] Jackie?
What the fuck are you doing?
What do you think I'm doing?
I'm praying to the East.
Do you know how many different people's
piss is on that floor? Disgusting.
I do now. Thank you.
- Can I see you in my office two secs?
- Why? What's wrong?
Just two secs, two secs.
[sighs] Alright.
- Fuck!
- [Alex] Do you want a drink?
[deep sigh] Why the fuck not?
Alright.
[pouring] Here.
Thanks.
So, um,
so the kid's moved in with you?
Yes. Just for a little
while until he gets settled in.
You think that's
a good idea, do you?
What do you mean?
What do I mean?
I mean the kid's only
21 years old, for fuck's sake.
I'm a little confused.
What are you-
what are you accusing me of?
I just don't think it's
a very good idea. That's all.
What? Because you think that I want to
fuck him? Is that what you're saying?
- Hey. That's not what I said.
- Oh, no, because you don't have the balls
- to say it to my face.
- Listen, we're just-
- talking here, alright?
- I am not gay.
- You're not?
- No, I am not.
- Well... Well, I just assumed.
- Oh, yes, you assumed.
Just because
I like wearing dresses,
I must like sucking cock.
Is that it?
Well, yeah.
Kind of.
Look, the kid has
got nowhere to live.
Do you know how
fucking scary that must be?
I know. Wait, hey. Would you?
Hey, he can stay with you.
- Would you like that?
- Listen, no. It's fine.
I think... I think you're
doing a-a good job.
Thanks for the fucking drink.
We live in an age where there's
brand new gender issues, isn't there?
And there's a lot
of genders going on
and some people
get a little bit confused.
For instance,
I know a guy, alright,
who used to be a guy
and she's now a girl.
And now that she's a girl, she's a
lesbian, and some people might say,
"I don't get that."
You know what?
I don't get that, but maybe it's
not for me to get, right?
Maybe it's just not
for me to understand.
But at the same, I reckon
give me a couple of years,
and slowly but surely,
all the names
for gender will
permeate my consciousness.
But in the meantime,
can everyone else
just calm the fuck down
if I accidentally say trannie?
[laughter]
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
now for the main event
of the evening.
Please stand your feet,
clap your hands,
and welcome
all the way to the microphone.
It's Jackie!
[applause]
Do you know what
a man's balanced diet is?
A beer bottle in each hand.
[laughter]
A man went into a candy shop,
had to buy some condoms,
and the cashier said,
"Um, do you want a bag?"
He said, "She's not that ugly."
[laughter]
[coughs] I do
love a dirty audience.
Do you know
the difference between a hooker
and-and-and [coughs]
a drug dealer?
Well,
a hooker can wash her crack
and resell it.
[coughs]
Oh, dear, oh dear. I'm so sorry.
My boyfriend was so rough
with me last night.
[coughs]
Do you know what the saggy boob
said to the other saggy boob?
If we don't get some support,
people would think we're nuts.
[coughs]
So, let me get this straight.
You haven't taken any of your pills?
- No, I haven't taken any of my pills.
- Because you dropped them?
- Yes, because I dropped them.
- In urine?
Yes, I dropped
them in the urine.
You know,
this isn't a joke, Mr. Collins.
Those pills are
meant to ease your pain.
You need to take them every day.
You know,
last night can't happen again.
Yeah, fine. Look, doc, just, you know,
write me another prescription for the pills
and I'll-I'll be on my way.
- So, you collapsed on stage?
- Yes, I collapsed on stage.
- Was it hot on the stage?
- What... Of course, it was hot on stage.
I mean, they've got lights and the
air conditioning hasn't worked since,
I don't know, mid-90s.
Look. I think you might
want to think about
taking a back step.
You mean giving up performing?
It's not helping you.
The stress, the conditions.
At your age, you should be
living a more relaxed life.
A more relaxed life? I'm dying,
for fuck's sake. How relaxed can you be?
- I mean that's what's happening to me, isn't, it doctor?
- Yes.
And there's absolutely nothing you can do
about it. I mean, with all of your expertise
and all the millions of pounds
they put in cancer research.
I mean, none of that's
gonna stop me from dying, right?
- Yes, that's correct.
- So, if I'm dying and there's nothing anyone can do about it,
I mean, you know, why should I
give up doing what I love?
I mean, what is that
gonna do for me, doctor?
Would it give me,
uh, one extra week,
two extra weeks?
I mean, fucking wonderful.
Dying is shit.
Did you know that?
It is...
It fucking sucks, doctor.
And look, if nothing
anybody can do about it
and I'm going to die, right,
well, I'm going to make certain
that I'm going to
enjoy the last few weeks
before leaving
this shitty, fucking planet.
Is that alright
with you, doctor?
Yes. That's okay.
Good.
Is he okay?
Oh, yes. He'll be fine.
He'll be fine.
[Faith is sobbing]
- [Jackie] Here, why don't you have a drink of whisky.
- [Faith] No, thanks.
Oh, come on.
It'll make a man of you.
[Faith] Okay, darling, I don't need
to be made a man of, but I'll try.
Okay.
Here you go.
Drink up.
Mm.
[spits]
I took you for a swallower.
- How can you make jokes at a time like this?
- What do you mean?
Well, look, you don't
even look like you give a shit.
I know what
my face is looking like,
but of course I give a shit,
of course I give a shit.
I mean, who...
I don't want to die.
Who the fuck wants
to die, eh? Hm?
Well, look, they cure cancer all the
time, maybe they can still do something.
Well, if they catch it
early enough.
Have they?
No, they never did.
What do we do now?
Get pissed.
Hm.
- Got a bit on the chin there.
- Yeah, I know.
- What about your daughter?
- What about her?
Well, you're gonna have to
tell her that you're dying.
Tell my daughter, who hates me,
that I'm gonna die?
Yes, absolutely.
[Jackie sighs]
I wouldn't even
know where to find her.
Facebook.
What the fuck is Facebook?
- Is this the first laptop ever invented?
- I bought it in a boot sale.
- You bought a laptop at a car boot sale?
- I bought it in a boot sale.
- Does it even have the Internet?
- What's the Internet? Come on.
'Course I know what
the fucking Internet is.
I mean, where's your sense of humor?
I'm the one who's dying.
I'm not a
fucking caveman, you know.
- Coming from the man who didn't know what Facebook is.
- Mm-hmm.
Now, let me set
this profile up for you.
- Do you want to set one up?
- Well, wh... why?
I'm gonna be dead in a month.
- Do you have to be so fucking blunt about it?
- I'm sorry. I really...
You're not
gonna cry again, are you?
Well, no. I'm just
a very emotional person.
Okay, fine. Now, tell me,
How... how do I find my daughter?
What's her name?
Lily Collins.
Wait, so that means
that you're Jackie Collins?
No, I'm Jack Collins.
Jack, well, you know...
How am I only just
finding that out now?
You've never asked me before.
- Jack Collins.
- Jack.
- Jack Collins.
- Jack. J-A-C-K.
- Okay.
- Right.
- Is this her?
- No, that's not her.
There's quite a few left.
No, no, I'm fine. Next.
No, no, that's not her.
No, whoa...
Is it...
That's my little girl.
Should we send her
a message, then?
An email perhaps,
you have email, right?
I've got email,
yeah, I've got email.
But tell me, a message.
But what... what...
- I mean, what am I gonna say?
- Well, just invite her for a coffee or something.
The last time I invited her for a cup of coffee,
she said she never wanted to see me again.
- Yeah, because she was angry. You just apologize.
- Apologize?
What do you mean apologize? It's
not gonna be easy just saying,
"Oh, girl, I'm sorry." You know,
it's not gonna be that easy.
Yeah, well, get on your hands
and knees and beg, Jackie.
- This is your daughter we're talking about.
- Alright.
- Alright?
- Yes. Okay.
I've got to go to
the little girls room.
- Okay, it's fine.
- I expect you to have
- a full message written.
- I'm gonna do it.
I'm going to do it.
- Do it.
- I'm doing it. Can't you see I'm doing it?
Fuck.
Dearest Lily...
[sighs]
I've got so much to say.
I really don't
know how to begin.
I... I know you hate me.
I know you hate me.
I really don't blame you.
I'm...
Oh, I made
the most terrible mistake.
And I would really, um...
I mean I'd love to, you know,
have a... a cup of coffee
because um, I really miss you.
Miss you, you.
And I... I'm so sorry.
I... made so many mistakes.
I apologize.
I miss you and I love you.
I'm so sorry
I wasn't there for you.
I'm so sorry I
wasn't there for you.
I love you.
Dad.
[soft music]
[footsteps]
Fucking elegant, Jesus.
[radio playing music]
[coughs]
[song on radio] You're
everything I need to survive
I'm broken, baby,
Help me to fly
I wish it was only you
Let it be only you
Could it be only you and I
So won't you bring me
Back to the light
I wish it was only you, yeah
Let it be only you, oh
Could it be only you and I
So won't you bring me
Back to the light
[waves lapping]
[club music]
Thank you, darling.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
You look fabulous.
So this is, um, this was
what was on your bucket list?
Yeah, well, um,
I haven't seen a pair of
breasts, you know,
for about 20 years, you know.
Mm-hmm.
I didn't even know these places
were open in the day, to be honest.
No, neither did.
You know,
they do toasted sandwiches here.
- What?
- Do you fancy a toasted sandwich?
Uh, yeah, I mean, why not?
Great.
[club music]
Fucking hell.
I know.
You wanna dance with her?
No, come on,
I'm too old to dance with her.
No, you idiot,
she dances for you.
What?
You do nothing.
Come on, let me treat you.
No, no, really,
no, really. No. No. [laughs]
I mean,
I wouldn't know what to do.
You literally do nothing.
Stop being a testicle?
I'm not... [sighs]
Now, which one do you fancy?
How long have you
been doing this?
Nearly a year.
Do you... do you like it?
- It's alright.
- Uh-huh.
To meet some interesting people.
Um, listen, you
really don't have to do this.
I mean, I can tell my friend that
you did if you don't want to.
You don't want me
to dance for you?
Well, well, yes, I do, but,
you see, I'm, I'm very old now.
And, um, and listen, kid,
- I could be your grandfather.
- You're serious, aren't you?
Yeah, I don't want
[indistinct] weird about it.
Just sit back, okay?
I don't want you to feel
like you have to do this. You...
What's a handsome man
like you doing in
a strip club
at three in the afternoon?
Well, I really didn't
have anywhere else to go.
Oh, well, you know how
to make a girl feel special.
- Oh, no. Sorry. No, I didn't mean that.
- I'm fucking with you.
It's just, um, it... it's
that I haven't, you know, seen,
I mean, really,
seen a woman for 20 years.
And, you know, when you get an
old man like me, you know, look at
girls and people think you're like
a, you know, a dirty old man.
Some sort of awful pervert
or something like that.
And, you know, mind you,
I could be something back in the '60s.
Do you know, I-I was really...
A lot of people thought
I was, you know,
and sort of that desirable.
I bet you used to get
all the girls back in the day.
Well, there was really only one.
We were high school sweethearts.
Aw, cute.
How long were you together?
- 54 years.
- Fuck off.
Yes. [laughs] Yeah.
Um, you haven't got a fella?
I'm not really into boys,
if you know what I mean.
- What do you mean boys?
- I prefer women.
Oh, you do? Oh, that's fine.
Oh, good on you. That's fine.
I don't mind...
That's good. Good.
So... what do you think?
Amazing.
Thank you. Give me your hand.
No, don't, really,
really, don't, no, no.
- Give me your hand, it's grand.
- They're cold.
You have very soft hands.
Thank you.
I moisturize.
I don't even know your name.
Jack.
Well, Jack, it's been
a pleasure to dance for you.
- Thank you, it has.
- Come and see me again some time.
Oh, yeah, definitely. Listen,
please, oh, wait a minute.
- Oh, no, it's okay.
- No, no, no, no, no, no, really, really, look, please,
I-I really,
I really want you to take it.
- No, you really don't have to.
- No, no, thank you, no,
you know, for the nice talk.
I loved it.
Thank you.
- [Faith] Hey, hold on, big boy.
- Mh.
- Hold this for me a second.
- Yeah.
Hold this.
Oh, right.
Thank you. I'll have that back.
- Oh, yeah.
- How was it?
Spectacular.
I mean, she was cute.
If I was straight,
I'd totally ask her to
sit in the back
of the cinema with me.
[laughs] What about you?
What about me?
- You know, you got a fella?
- No.
I mean, there was this one boy,
but, um, didn't work out.
Why?
I suppose I loved him
more than he loved me.
- It's a very complex thing, love.
- Mm.
Sometimes I wonder why
we only have one word for it.
Do you ever speak with him?
- No, nothing left to say.
- Mm-hmm.
Plus, I'm not the first person
to have my heart broken.
- Fucking no. It's depressing enough as it is.
- [laughs]
Come on,
what else do you wanna do?
Well, there is... there is
something I'd like to do.
So, listen, I'll see you tonight
at the club? Alright?
Sure, yeah, no problem.
[sinister music]
[gulls squawking]
Well, um, where to begin?
Oh, yes, I went to a...
a strip club today.
I met this lovely girl.
Oh, no.
Nothing like that.
She showed me her breasts,
they were amazing.
I mean just like... Well, actually,
yours were nicer, they were.
Well, um, how've you been?
I'm sorry I haven't
really been around too often.
Because I didn't think
you really wanted me to
and I still...
Still don't think you do.
Well, um,
I have a bit of bad news.
You see, I'm dying.
I'm dying real quick.
So, I'll be
seeing you real soon.
I... I don't know
how you feel about that
because... I'm a little
nervous my... myself.
And anyway I...
I really wanted to come
and tell you and, um,
ask you a favor.
See, when I come up there,
um, please don't shout at me.
Because, um,
I don't think I could
stand for that all eternity
because I know you...
You hate me.
But I never... I never
really wanted you to know.
I'm so sorry
I wasn't at the funeral.
I really wanted to be, but how
could I be when you didn't want me.
I... loved you too much to,
you know, hurt you again.
I've never...
I've never stopped loving you.
I really should be going.
I am so terribly sorry.
[sighs] Well, see you real soon.
Yeah.
- [Faith] I'll fucking kill you.
- [Mollie] I'd like to see you try, baby.
- Fuck this...
- [Faith] Ever since I came
to this club, you've been
trying to take my shit.
- Get the fuck off me.
- I'm gonna fucking kill you.
- You fucking piece of shit.
- What the fuck is going on here?
- This bitch is trying
to steal my fucking style.
It's just a coincidence.
Beyonc here decides
- to lose her shit about it.
- Fuck you.
- You're just jealous of my ass.
- Bitch, please.
Look, would you just fuck...
Get the fuck out of here.
Just go.
Jesus, what are you doing?
- That little shit is just wearing my makeup.
- He's just a kid.
He's 21. He knows
not to be a little cunt.
- Oh, you, you are just jealous.
- What are you talking about?
Well, actually what I'm
talking about, you're nearly 50.
No matter how much
you pull yourself in.
No matter how many dresses you
wear, you're still gonna look
older than him and he's still
gonna look younger than you.
I'm like a fine wine, darling.
I get better with age.
Yes, of course,
and some of the greatest wines
- I ever drunk were old.
- Exactly.
But then I thought to myself,
"They're not fucking worth it."
- Are you alright?
- Who the fuck does she think she is?
- I mean, what is going on?
- What do you mean?
What do I mean?
You had Mollie on the floor.
You were beating
the living shit out of her.
What do you want to say, Jackie?
I want you to tell me the truth.
- Do you want the truth?
- Yes, I do.
The fuck all, alright?
The fuck, I'm singing
for 40 a night,
I'm sleeping
on your fucking sofa.
My dad hates me.
I broke my favorite
pair of fucking heels today.
I don't have much,
but I've got style.
So when someone tries to take
it from me, it pisses me off.
You've always got me, Faith.
Yeah, not for much longer.
Okay, I'm sorry,
I didn't mean that.
I'm sorry, I didn't mean that.
Oh, yes you did.
Jackie.
Fuck.
[somber music]
Come my, little monkey
Quiet now, my pet
Don't be such as sore puss
Don't be so upset
All above the rainbow
I've got color you can borrow
Don't be such a shady
I won't let you fail
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtains
And open up your window
I can be your light
Let's climb up your mountain
I've got dynamite
Let's blow up your burden
It's blocking up your sight
Step out of that photo
Let me be your shoulder
Lower down your thunderbolt
Don't be so upset
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your light
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your light
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your love
Allow me into your bedroom
Let's pull away the curtain
Open up your window
I can be your love
[coughs]
I can be your love
I can be your love
I can be I can be your love
I can be your love
I can be your love...
Hi.
Hi.
What are you doing?
I'm having
a cheeky fag before work.
why didn't you
come home last night?
Uh, I didn't
think you wanted me to.
[sighs] What are
you talking about?
You know, after what I said.
Oh, don't be ridiculous.
Listen, I'm not your dad,
you know that.
Look, you've always
got a home with me, really.
Thank you, Jackie.
You better have a shower, do you
know I can smell you right from here?
[giggles]
So, do you have anything else
on your bucket list?
Yes, yes, there is something.
So, this is the place?
Yeah, looks like it.
Do you want us to
go in together?
Well, of course
we're gonna go in together.
Okay, well, do I look good?
Yes, you look good. What?
What the fuck, it's just a
drug dealer for, Christ's sake.
- And?
- You look lovely.
Come on.
Come on, Faith.
Give me a [inaudible]
[hooting]
[hooting]
[music playing]
You're, uh, Daryl?
Yeah.
This is Bianca.
Very pleased to
meet you, Bianca.
She's sleeping.
What is it you want?
Um, Alex gave me your address
and he said that he would
text you, or call you and say
that we were gonna pop by.
I didn't get a text.
You didn't get a text?
- This is not gonna be very good.
- I told you.
It's fucking one in the morning.
You're a guy, right?
It depends what
your definition of a guy is.
Well, you got a cock.
Yes, I do, yeah.
So, you're a guy then?
I mean, it's a little
more complicated than that,
but it's late,
so I'd agree to disagree.
Disagree that you've got a cock?
Disagree that
that's what makes me a man.
Well, I don't get it, guys got
cocks, women have got pussies.
Simple as that, ain't it, mate?
What about you?
- I think we ought to be going.
- I think so too.
No, no, no. stay there.
- You got money, right?
- Yes, I have, yeah.
Let's do a bit of business.
What is it you want?
Um, what have you got?
She's in a candy shop.
I'm not your sugar daddy.
Doesn't make any sense.
The fuck did you say?
Uh, nothing.
You have coke?
Of course I've got coke.
Yes.
How much do you want?
Um, how much
do people usually take?
Of cocaine?
Yes, of cocaine.
Is it just for tonight?
It was just for
a one-off thing. [coughs]
- Okay, well, a gram should do you.
- Ok, yeah, fine. Gram.
- Alright.
- [cough]
- Are you okay?
- Yeah. No, sure, I'm fine.
- Are you sure?
- Yeah, I'm fine.
That will be 90.
Pounds?
Yes, pounds.
Lot of difference from the '60s.
Got off a bit since then. Yeah.
Okay, 90.
I'm a little bit short.
You've got a fiver?
You're not serious, are you?
Oy!
- 20, 30...
- Oy!
- Excuse me, I'm counting.
- It's not a fairground. I don't take coppers.
We didn't know it was
gonna be, you know, this much.
Just fuck off out of my flat.
Just get out.
Look. Can I give you 85
for half a gram?
Is that alright?
Yes, just give us that money.
Come on. Come on.
- Give us it.
- Thank you very much.
There you go now, bugger off.
Thank you very much. Sorry.
And you, twinkle tits, piss off.
That's a lovely jacket, really.
[background music]
Kim, fruit case, uh, see that?
Confusing. Fuck it.
[music playing]
So long, so long, so long
Sending out a message to
The corners of the universe
A mayday for Mother Earth
The situation's
So much worse than I thought
Can you hear the voices
In the middle of the Milky Way
From 10 billion miles away
This is not where I belong
Take me home, take me home
Sending out a message to
The corners of the universe
A mayday for Mother Earth
The situation's
So much worse than I thought
Can you hear the voices
in the middle of the Milky Way
From 10 billion miles away
This is not where I belong
Take me home, take me home
Bloody thing.
[coughs]
It's okay, it's okay, it's okay.
- [coughs]
- It's okay, it's okay.
- [coughs]
- It's okay, it's okay.
It's okay.
- [coughs and gasps]
- It's okay.
It's okay.
- [Faith] I have a question.
- [Jack] Yeah.
When did you first
start wearing women's clothes?
When did I start?
Well, when did I start?
I'm stupid for doing it.
Must be... must be
near on 50 years now.
Why?
Why? Why?
Makes me feel
a different person.
- Different?
- Mm-hmm.
And so you just
kept it a secret.
I just preferred
not to tell anybody.
- So then why did you tell your wife?
- I didn't.
She came home early one day
and she saw me
dancing to Tom Jones.
So?
Wearing her wedding dress.
- [laughs]
- No, it's not funny.
- Fuck.
- Yeah, fuck.
I must say that you do make
a very attractive woman, Jackie.
Oh, for Christ's sake, don't...
Fuck off, Jesus Christ.
I'm gonna get out of the fucking
bath, I got enough wrinkles.
Yes, you do.
[sinister music]
[tattoo machine buzzing]
You have really pretty nails.
Do I?
Oh, thank you,
thank you very much.
My mom said I'm not allowed
to pick nails until I'm older.
But you know something? I think... I think
your mommy is a very, very wise lady.
- She is.
- Yes.
It's okay, though,
it's my birthday soon.
Is it your birthday?
Yes, and I'm turning six.
Wow, six.
How old are you?
How old do you think I am?
Old, like 20.
- That's near enough.
- Rosie.
Rosie, what have I told you
about running away like that?
- No, it's really...
- Sorry, mommy.
It's really alright, she's a...
She's a lovely little girl.
- Thank you. Has she been bothering you?
- No, no, no, she's been lovely.
- Say goodbye, Rosie.
- Bye.
Bye, bye, Rosie,
very nice meeting you.
- Bye.
- Bye, bye.
[laughs] What...
what is all this?
- Surprise.
- Did you cook this?
Yes, uh, well, [indistinct] when
I cooked this from a distance.
It was in this recipe book.
Please take a seat.
Oh. Thank you.
You haven't tried it yet,
it could be shit.
No, I'm saying
thank you... for everything.
You know, if, um, if I had a son,
I'd want him to be exactly like you.
You know, that's, um,
a really lovely thing to say.
You're like the cross-dressing
granddad I always wanted.
- Really?
- Mmh.
- Cheers.
- Cheers.
- Oh, and eye contact, otherwise it's seven years of bad sex.
- Seven years?
I don't think
I have to worry about that.
Fuck you, I was
talking about me.
Alright, then, go on, try it.
Mm.
Mm. Would you try
and get a takeaway?
- Mm.
- Yeah?
Oh, yeah. Finish up.
Do you know why
God created orgasms?
So that women could moan
even when they're having fun.
There was this old lady
and she went in to the dentist,
waited her turn, she went
inside, took her knickers off,
sat in the chair,
lifted her legs up high.
And the dentist said, "Excuse me,
madam, I'm not a gynecologist."
And the old lady said,
"I know, I just
want you to remove
my husband's teeth."
[laughter]
Is that too much, is it? Oh.
Well, there's this
young man, and he took a big
bouquet of flowers
back to his girlfriend.
The girlfriend said, "Uh,
I suppose I've got to open my legs now."
He said,
"Why, don't we have a vase?"
[laughter]
'Cause the airplane was
crashing, the girl got up
and screamed, she said,
"Oh, I'm gonna die."
So she stripped
herself naked, she said,
"If I'm gonna die,
I want to feel like a woman.
Is there any man here who can
make me feel like a woman?"
So a man stood up, ripped off his shirt,
threw it at her and said, "Here, wash that."
I said to my father, I said, "Oh,
I'm so tired of running around in circles."
So he nailed
my other foot to the floor.
I used to be
a very good father, oh, yes.
[tense music]
And I... I sang
to my little girl every night.
I told her little stories.
Christmas time,
I'd dress up as Father Christmas
and then she'd leave little
mince pies by the fireplace
for when Father Christmas
came down to eat.
Fuck, they were stale.
And then I used to dream.
I used to dream
wonderful dreams for her.
And that's the way
it should have been.
Oh, but dear, I did fuck up.
And so I haven't seen my little
girl for, ooh... 10 years.
So one day, you know,
I'm going to solve my problem,
but tonight
it's got to be through whisky.
[audience applauds and cheers]
You were very funny tonight.
[laughs] Thank you.
Wow, uh, you look...
You look really... great.
Thank you.
So do you.
Well, I'm a bit old, you know.
I think it suits you.
Thank you. [chuckles]
How many more times do you think
we're gonna say thank you?
I, um, I thought you never
wanted to speak to me again.
No, I didn't.
What changed your mind?
I found a little Faith.
What did he say?
Well, he... he told me everything
that you've done for him,
which is pretty amazing.
And, um... And he told me that you
were ill. I hope it's nothing serious.
No, no, no,
just a bit of a cough.
- Nothing serious at all.
- So you've been to a doctor?
Oh, yes, I've been to the...
yeah, but I don't like making a fuss.
You love to make a fuss.
Only around you.
Got a question.
Mm-hmm.
- Where do you buy all your clothes?
- Where I buy my clothes?
Yeah, well, I mean, you know,
you're quite a big guy. I mean tall. Tall.
- Yes, 5'10.
- You know what I mean.
Yeah, but, you know, they do... they have
shops for fat women as well, you know.
So what about you?
I mean, what's, um, what's new?
Uh, well, I'm an architect.
You're an arch... Really?
Wow.
Yeah, I'm living up in London.
I won't hold that against you.
- Got a dog and...
- Oh, wait, what is this? What...
Oh, yeah,
and I'm getting married.
You're getting married?
Oh, god! Congratulations.
Thank you.
Um, has he got a name?
- Mark.
- Mark, beautiful name.
Have you... have you set a date?
Yeah, it's in a month.
In a month.
What about you, dad?
Anyone special in your life?
- What do you mean? Like a lady?
- Yeah.
- No, no.
- Why?
Well, I mean.
I am a little old now, you know.
- A little old to fall in love.
- [laughs]
- I am really sorry about everything.
- I know. I know you are.
I always have known that you've been sorry,
but that doesn't make it any easier, does it?
- I really loved your mother.
- Yes, and she loved you too.
I genuinely believe
she died of a broken heart.
- Look, I am so sorry, really.
- Do you know what?
I hated you for
the way you made her feel.
I hated you for all the shit
you put me through at school.
Do you know I hated you the most
because you just gave up on us.
Do you think that's what I did?
Mom died.
All I wanted was a hug.
I didn't give a fuck that you were wearing a
dress, you're my dad and you weren't there.
I mean, your mother... Your mother was
so... I don't know, she was embarrassed,
she was humiliated,
she hated it.
She didn't want me there.
I wanted you there.
I wanted you there.
There's not one day that passes
when I don't wish that
I could turn back time,
that I could wear that suit, but I can't.
I just, I...
I can't turn back the time.
All I can try and do is...
is make up for it now with you.
- I can... But it's just that I...
- It's just that what?
Lily, it's just that I'm-
I'm not sure how to do that
anymore, you see, I...
I don't think I... I don't think
I can remember how to be a dad.
But that's so easy.
You just have to love me.
Of course, I love you.
I've always loved you,
you're my little girl.
[Jack sobs]
Okay, okay, but this is it, alright?
No second chances.
You fucked up once and you cannot fuck up
again, dad, because I need you in my life.
I am here now for you.
I am-I promise you I'm here.
Dad I-I want you
to walk me down the aisle.
[Jack sobs]
In a month, hmm?
Yeah, I will. I will.
But you have to
promise me one thing.
Hmm?
You cannot wear
a better dress than me.
Thank you.
Thank you.
And I've told Mark about...
He's just
so excited to meet you.
Thanks.
Look, I better go.
It's getting late.
- Do you need a lift anywhere?
- No, I drove.
- You haven't had too much to drink?
- I had one.
Oh, you had one. That is okay.
[laughs]
What are you doing Friday night?
Friday night...
Oh, one show,
only at ten o'clock, though.
So, do you wanna
meet sometime before?
Oh, I would love really love to.
Great, I'll, um,
leave a message for you
if I'm able to
come to your place.
I won't be here right up to
[voices are muted]
[soft music]
[laughter]
So, one day this beautiful woman
walks into a doctor's surgery.
In fact, she's so attractive that
the doctor loses all professionalism.
He says to her,
"Take down your trousers"
and begins to touch her thighs.
He says, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
She says, "Yes,
checking for abnormalities."
Then he asks her
to take off her bra,
- starts massaging her breasts.
- [audience hooting]
He says, "Do you know
what I'm doing now?"
She said,
"Yes, checking for cancer."
Then he got her to take her panties
off and laid her on the table
and starts having sex with her and
says, "Do you know what I am doing now?"
And she says, "Yes, getting
herpes, that's why I'm here."
[laughter]
A good friend of mine
told me that joke.
He was a great man before
he got all selfish and died.
The truth is,
he was like a father to me,
but he was a father
to his daughter Lily.
Just before he passed,
he walked his lovely daughter
down the aisle.
To me, he was granddad,
to Lily, he was dad.
But to you all,
he was simply Jackie.
[audience cheers]
[playing "Rocket (Skit)"
by Elli Ingram]
Lay on the wing
Of a rocket to paradise
Blue in the sky
Blue of his eye
My pilot who drives me high
Popcorn and apple pie
It's so divine
In this gold moonlight
Candy-colored clouds
There's no coming down
Let's stay for a while
Baby, I want you, you're
My world and my weakness
It's true, the captain of
This love is you
Fly me up
Throw me down in the stars
Flying first class with you
In the stars
Flying first class with you
["Tucked"
by Sam Beveridge playing]
I never told you
All about these scars of mine
Collected them quietly All
throughout My long and lonely time
But let me tell you
How they came to be
Let me show you the real me
And peacefully broken down From a
life That I've spent out on stage
But none of that matters now
Our history will be
Washed out in the waves
So hold me now
I will never let you go
You will be my final show
I tucked you
Away from it all
When you were so small
I tucked you
Away from it all
I tucked you discreetly away
I never got to see All your
childhood dreams Just coming true
Yet from so many miles apart I knew
exactly what You were going through
Because those same people That looked
at me with Judgment in their eyes
Although wearing my disguise
That's why I tucked you
Away from it all
When you were so small
I tucked you
Away from it all
I tucked you discreetly away
That's why I tucked you
Away from it all
When you were so small
I tucked you
Away from it all
I tucked you discreetly away