Tuxedo, The (2002) Movie Script
(water splashes)
(lilting melody played
on acoustic guitar)
(violins join in)
(French horns playing)
(trumpets join in)
(solo guitar resolves melody)
(water gurgling)
(water gurgling)
(pastoral theme music begins)
(water gurgling)
(music soaring)
(music stops)
(espionage-flavored
techno-pop intro)
(water gurgling)
(French horns playing melody
over techno beat)
# #
# #
# #
# #
# #
# #
(theme music ends)
Come on.
WOMAN:
Central Security Agency.
This is Wallace.
Operation Big Drip
is cresting Level Two.
I need Devlin.
I need him now.
WOMAN:
Hold, please.
No, no, don't put me on hold!
- (dialing)
- Mother...
(groaning)
(whooshing)
(retching)
(gurgling)
WOMAN:
Hello, Agent Wallace.
I need your nine-digit
security code, please.
Hello? Agent Wallace?
Agent Wallace?
(phone beeps off)
Agua la vista... baby.
MAN:
Hello, my name's Jimmy Tong
and I was wondering
if there's anything I could say
that would convince you
to have lunch with me.
MAN 2 (imitating woman):
Oh, Jimmy, you're so cute.
Let's go back to your apartment
and make like... donkey.
You got me nervous again.
It's just a salesgirl.
To you... but, to me...
I dream of her
before I ever saw her.
No, that there! That!
Shh.
That is the line.
Go tell her that. That line.
Listen.
Hi.
My name is Jimmy Tong.
When I see you,
I have a wet dream.
Is that what I say?
No, no, you know...
just ask her out to lunch now
and later,
we work out that line.
But hurry up, man.
We be wasting time, man.
Come on. We have to drive.
(anxious sighing)
And whatever you do,
do not be yourself.
Just joking.
(sighs)
WOMAN:
Thank you so much.
You're welcome. Good-bye.
(sighs)
I can do it.
Hi. My name's Jimmy Tong.
Okay...
(exhales)
Hi.
Hi.
Pretty colors.
Will you excuse me
for just one moment?
Okay.
(anxious sighing)
Ah...
Just between us guys...
you don't come around
here for the art, do you?
Who would?
Heh. Yeah.
Uh... let me,
as owner of this gallery
give you a little bit
of friendly advice.
Don't waste any time.
You go over there and
you ask Jennifer out.
You think so?
Yes. That way, she can say no
and we can get on
with our little lives.
Thank you for your advice.
Yeah.
Hello. My name Jimmy Tong.
What can I say to convince you
to have lunch with me?
("Love's Theme" disco music
playing)
(groaning)
Oh!
(groaning in pain)
I'm sorry. Are you hurt?
I'm terr... I didn't...
(growling)
(howling)
Come here, you little runt.
(gasping)
Hi. Hello.
(growling)
(woman screams)
(honking)
Get back here! Come here!
Where'd you go?
Where are you?
Sauer... sauerkraut
or sauercrop?
Sauerkraut?
(roaring)
(clanks)
(grunting)
Hey... hey, hey!
Hey! I just washed that car.
What the hell
wrong with you, boy?
Want I jam this in your ass
and break it?
You want a go? Come down here.
Whoa, whoa, wait, oh.
Not too fast.
- Not too fast.
- (tire iron clanks)
Hey, I just want to talk.
Eh, eh, you do that
there, man. You do that.
Oh, you're scared now.
(clucking)
Just-just go
and get yourself
some training wheels!
Go get a tattoo of a chicken!
Go!
I thought all your
people know karate.
Not everybody Chinese
is Bruce Lee.
Just calm yourself, eh,
Jimmy, calm yourself.
Just not my day.
Whoo! Wow.
Do you think you can get me
to 70 Fleming Street?
Of course. Wait a second.
(metallic thumping)
(blowing)
You Jimmy Tong?
That's who I am.
Who are you?
The name is Steena.
So, how come you drive so fast?
More fares.
Mmm. Is that why
you had your license
suspended nine times
for speeding?
But no accidents.
Do you remember where I'm going?
Get me there before
I finish putting on my makeup
and I'll, uh, double the meter.
You serious?
Do I look like
I have a sense of humor?
Okay.
(engine roaring)
Hurry, open the gate!
Hey, Jimmy... ho, ho, ho, ho!
(speaking Chinese):
LAZY ASS! OPEN THE GATES!
I'M ON MY COFFEE BREAK.
SHUT UP, OLD MAN!
IT'S JIMMY, YOU FOOL!
DON'T RUN OVER THE CHICKENS!
You drive too fast!
Oh, I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I got mad skills, I will
get wild
I will get wild,
I will get wild
I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I got mad skills, I will
get wild
I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I will get wild,
I will get wild...
Yeah, I got mascara
and eyeliner left.
You got five blocks.
(sirens blaring)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
Don't tell me
you're slowing down.
(honking continues)
You know, you drive like
an old woman.
Hmm.
You're not scared, are you?
(honking)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I got mad skills, I will
get wild
I will get wild,
I will get wild.
(whistle blows)
Hey, you!
What do you think you're doing?
Back off, buddy.
She's mine.
Oh, it's you, miss.
Well, you lived up
to your reputation.
The job is yours.
I have a job. A good one.
Oh, yeah? How much do you
make at this "good job"?
$475 a week, plus tips.
So how would you like to make
$2,000 a week
plus room and board?
When do I show up?
Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m.
You'll be driving
Clark Devlin, Mr. Tong.
DOORMAN:
Good day, miss.
Now, you!
Out of here!
(birds chirping)
STEENA:
Good morning, Mr. Tong.
Huh.
You put your face on
without me, huh?
Please have a seat.
Those are the house rules.
Memorize them.
Especially number one.
"Never talk directly
to Mr. Devlin."
If you have any questions
you'll find
all the answers in there.
And, if I were you, I'd get rid
of the mildew on the chin.
My soul patch?
Uh, yeah.
You like working
for this Devlin guy?
I don't work for him.
(slow, techno-pop
espionage theme playing)
(door shuts)
I'm not a professional driver,
but I'd always believed
that thing you're staring
into is designed
for the monitoring of traffic,
not passengers.
Am I wrong?
While I'm really enjoying
our time together
shall we try moving?
DEVLIN:
Wallace has been my partner
for years.
Something's happened to him.
He wouldn't just disappear.
Now, you get yourjob done
and find my partner.
MAN (on phone):
So tell me how.
You're the head
of an intelligence agency.
Why don't you be intelligent?
I don't understand
what you're talking about.
Well, why don't you call me back
when you do understand
what I'm talking about.
(disco music
plays on speakers)
Did we just take
the Balsam Road exit?
Of course.
You have to take
the surface street.
Sorry.
Did you get a copy
of the rules?
Did you read them?
Jimmy, let me tell you
something, my friend...
I hate the rules.
Take Grant Boulevard
all the way.
The lights are timed.
Thank you.
(speaks Chinese)
And, Jimmy...
crank the music up.
Yes, sir.
(music blaring)
C.S.A. HEADQUARTERS
MAN:
Deputy Director Chalmers,
ladies, gentlemen
I present to you
Special Agent Wallace.
Deceased two days, 14 hours,
five minutes... approximately.
Pretty interesting.
Now, why don't you, uh,
tell me a little about him?
Well, in simplest terms,
he drowned in his bathtub.
Contusion here suggests
he hit his head
fell prone, unconscious.
The man infiltrated
a Serbian death squad
with not even a scratch.
He goes down in a bathtub?
Life's a bitch.
You want to put him
back in the fridge?
WOMAN:
He didn't drown, sir.
He was murdered.
Does that make life
a little less bitchy?
And-and you would be?
That's Del Blaine, sir.
She's having a filter installed
between her brain and mouth
next week.
So you don't think he drowned?
Well, sir, there was water
in his lungs
but the pulmonary vein
was filled with
collapsed platelets
indicative of dehydration.
He died of thirst.
Thirst.
And it wasn't just
city tap water.
The mineral profile fit
a high-end bottled water
but what was really weird
is that
it contained a strain
of bacteria that I, so far
haven't been able to culture.
Anyway, uh... didn't
mean to interrupt.
Ooh, the woman seems to know
a lot about water.
Yeah. She thinks she knows
a lot about a lot of things.
You know, we have a special
situation in the field.
I think we could use
your talents.
You interested?
When do I start?
You ever hear of Clark Devlin?
Rumors and innuendo.
Del, I could tell you
a thing or two
about Clark Devlin.
Uh, you think we
could keep our minds
out of the gutter
for about a second?
Meet me upstairs
in an hour.
CHALMERS:
You might just become
Clark Devlin's next partner.
DEVLIN:
I'm going to need
that Gerris marginalis
as soon as possible.
WOMAN:
Yes. My contacts in Guatemala
have what you're looking for,
I'm sure.
Good.
And, meanwhile...
I'll take one of these
beautiful Uticella marginalis.
Just gorgeous.
(quiet chuckle)
Now, you're going to call me?
Is your phone number on file?
I'm having a bit of trouble
with the phones at the moment.
It might be better
if you dropped it off yourself.
It may take a while.
Well, why don't you
familiarize yourself
with the route?
There's a little gathering
at my house tonight...
a fund-raiser for
the Natural History Museum.
I would so love to have you.
(mouthing)
Should I send a car?
I drive myself.
Admirable.
Eight o'clock.
And, uh, be sure
not to wear anything
too distracting, or no one
will get their checkbooks out.
How did you learn
to be so smooth?
I've seen the way you drive.
You have
the same instincts I do.
You lack confidence.
The girl in the art gallery's
not beyond you, you know.
You know about her?
Every time we leave the house
we go by the art gallery
and slow down.
You just need a little polish.
(deep voice):
I'll never be a Clark Devlin.
Don't tell anyone this, Jimmy,
but there's a lot less
to Clark Devlin
than meets the eye.
I've got a couple of good lines
and a couple of
very expensive suits.
Apart from that,
we're exactly the same.
How about
a couple hundred million?
Trust me...
The other ten percent?
The other ten percent's
in there.
You've got plenty of it.
Oh, Mr. Devlin,
can I ask you a big favor?
Yeah?
Can I stop wearing my hat?
All right.
Thank you.
No, just stay smooth.
Remember... smooth.
Thank you.
Steena, Devlin.
This driver, this Jimmy,
I like him.
Let's get him a proper suit.
Something sexy. You pick it out.
All right.
Always a delight
talking to you, too, darling.
(phone beeps off)
Home, James.
Absolutely, Mr. Devlin.
(Argentine tango music plays)
(tango ends)
Oh!
Oops.
Watch your step.
Thank you, sir.
(Jimmy humming)
(continues humming)
(humming stops)
Oh...
This definitely not a rental.
Hello.
My name's Clark Devlin.
Would you like to dance?
Would you like to dance?
(chuckles)
Admirable.
There is just one rule.
(gasps)
Never touch my tuxedo.
I didn't.
Good.
Don't.
Yes, sir.
Jimmy.
Get the car.
Let's go for dinner.
Yes, sir.
# #
What'll you have? It's my treat.
Anything.
All right.
Two Whoppers,
hold the onion, extra ketchup.
Toast the bottom bun only,
medium well-done.
Two large fries,
extra well-done.
Two chocolate milkshakes,
however the chef likes.
That's it.
Your order's ready.
Pull forward.
That's pretty quick.
It's fast food. Anything else?
DEVLIN:
Yeah.
I'll have a personal pizza,
crispy crust.
He doesn't eat out much.
They don't serve pizza
at Burger...
New item, huh?
Do you have chicken chow mein?
Thank you.
- Jimmy?
- Yes?
It's a drive-through.
Let's drive.
Watch out!
(tires squeal)
(beeping)
Watch it, man!
Sorry, pal.
Let's go.
# #
JIMMY:
Why are we running away
from a skateboard?
I think it's probably a bomb.
(chuckles)
I thought you said a bomb.
What do you mean, a bomb?
(horns honking)
(horns honking)
(tires squealing)
(tires squeal)
(tires squealing)
(horn honks)
(honking)
(screeching)
No good. Out!
Mr. Dev...
Move!
(beeping rapidly)
(glass shattering)
(flames crackling)
Jimmy, you okay?
I'm fine.
You okay, boss?
Yeah.
Yeah, all in a day's work, eh?
Look.
Oh, damn.
Mr. Devlin.
You got any aspirin?
Who did this to you?
Water stri...
Walter Strider... he's the one?
Wat... er... stri...
Walter... Walter Strider.
(dialing cell phone)
No... no police.
Okay. Uh...
I need an ambulance right now.
His name is...
Trust nobody.
Uh... his name is...
Brad Dillford.
Wear it.
Wear...
Boss! Boss!
(sirens approaching)
(bell dings)
Hold on, boss. You'll be fine.
Give me the clipboard.
I'll take care of you.
Wa...
stri...
- Huh?
- Sir!
Oh!
Please wait in the waiting room.
Okay.
I will find Walter Strider.
Hey! Hey!
Huh? I'm sorry.
I promise.
(speaking Chinese)
MAN:
What do you want
my mother's maiden name for?
Last time she was
in here, I was born.
I'm sure my dad had something
to do with it
at least I hope so.
WOMAN (singsongy):
Dr. Angela.
Where is Dr. Angelo?
Dr. Angelo.
Are you Dr. Angela?
Dr. Angela.
Dr. Ang... ela.
Hey!
There's no smoking
in a hospital.
I was nervous. How is he?
He might be here a while.
You might want to get him
some things from home
in case he comes to.
Oh.
He had this clutched
in his hand.
I don't know
if it means anything.
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Orderly with wheels
to the front desk.
I do need Dr. Angelo.
Dr. Angelo.
Dr. Angelo is on holiday today.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
(seagulls calling)
BANNING, INC.,
FLOATING HEADQUARTERS
MAN:
I'll tell you,
I'm pretty excited.
I mean, nervous,
but I'm excited.
I'm pumped, you know.
I knew I was doing good work
for Banning International
but I didn't know Mr. Banning
would be taking so much notice
of me so soon.
I'll say this, though,
when I'm CEO of this place
I won't be having
my headquarters
in the bottom of a boat,
you know what I mean?
MAN 2:
Why did you choose Mr. Lundeen?
He questioned
my growth projections.
(clanking)
No, that's not it.
I don't like his hair.
Mr. Banning.
So, word filtered
down to me
that you don't share my optimism
about our company's future.
Oh, no.
Actually, I just...
Drink?
Oh, yes, thank you.
I just felt that to meet
your projections, pretty much
every person on Earth
would have to drink
only Banning Springs water.
Yes, indeed.
Water, Mr. Lundeen,
comprises 60o/o of your body.
Don't you find it incredible
that two hydrogen atoms
and an oxygen atom can combine
to create something
so beautiful
so useful, so essential?
I find water to be
miraculous.
Do you think I'm silly?
Not at all.
(clears throat)
Feeling thirsty?
Yes.
BANNING:
You're helping me out
by being a guinea pig
for a new product.
Oh, I see.
What a brilliant idea.
Water that makes you thirsty.
What's in it?
Salt?
There's no profundity in salt.
(chuckles)
Bacteria.
Once ingested
its DNA will instruct
your cells' cytoplasm
to spill electrolytes
into your bloodstream
causing dehydration.
(groaning)
It's virulent
but, unfortunately,
it's too fast.
Way too fast.
As we speak, your internal
organs are shriveling.
You're becoming as dry as...
Well, as dry
as your limited imagination.
Gentlemen,
fetch the vacuum, won't you?
Thank you.
Schiffer, Schwartzkopf,
Sondheim, Springsteen...
No Strider.
(sighs)
(beeping)
Wow.
(beeps)
(electrical zapping)
TUX:
Welcome to the Tactical Uniform
Experiment.
Tuxedo recognizing new user.
Mapping user's
neurological structure.
Activate wristwatch
for desired function.
JIMMY:
Demo...
Okay, show me.
(beeps)
Uh-oh.
TUX:
Caution... demolition mode.
The Tuxedo will consider
any object a target
and act to destroy it.
(gasps)
Oh, what's happening?
(clangs)
TUX:
Exit the demolition mode
immediately.
(crashing)
(whimpers)
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burn the mother down
Burn, baby, burn...
(beeping)
(frightened whimpering)
(beep)
MAN:
Mr. Devlin, is everything
all right?
This is Jimmy.
I think Mr. Devlin wants you
to clean his room tomorrow.
It's a little bit messy.
I think he threw the party.
Should I send someone up now?
No. Maybe after he leaves.
Very good.
(phone ringing)
Hmm?
(yells)
(groans)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Are we on?
Are we on what?
C.S.A. OPERATIONS
I take my work seriously,
Mr. Devlin, so please
stop using
that ridiculous accent.
What?
What accent?
All right.
You're the senior officer.
I'll play it however you want.
Deitrich Banning is holding
a meeting with water CEOs.
The Agency wants us to find out
what he's planning.
Wh-What about Walter Strider?
Who is he?
I don't know. You tell me.
Okay.
So, we will meet tomorrow.
V-15, 10:00.
I'll be wearing a gray suit.
Your code is "nice rack."
(cackling)
I'll respond
"I forgot my bra."
That passes
for humor around here.
JIMMY:
What's the cross street?
Very funny.
(laughter continues)
(clears throat)
May I join you?
Uh, yeah.
Nice rack.
(heavy blow landing)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Mr. Devlin, there's been
a change of plans.
But I'm here already.
Where are you?
Don't get all pissy about it.
They just told me,
so I'm telling you.
We'll meet tonight
base of the silo and...
forget the password.
Oh, now you tell me.
Oh, hey, there he is.
Oh, my God, that's him.
I got to go.
Guy in the raincoat. Get him!
I see you tonight. Sorry.
OFFICER:
Stop!
WOMAN:
Get back here, you creep!
(sighs)
So, we've got five minutes
to get into position.
I secured the rooftop.
The equipment's good to go
and I just have to say
it is such an honor to be
working with the legendary...
Clark Devlin?
I'm Del Blaine.
Have we met before?
No.
Good.
Okay, Del Blaine, let's do
what we've come here to do.
I'll follow you.
Ladies first.
Okay.
A couple of details changed
from what was in the file.
You read it?
The files are crap.
Give me the
short version.
Deitrich Banning's
holding a meeting
of international
water company CEOs.
We think he's trying
to force them
into selling
their companies to him.
Where are you going?
Huh?
I'm thinking.
We had Agent Wallace
working undercover
at his bottled water factory.
That is, until last week.
Wallace calls us
on his cell phone
to tell us that the operation
had reached critical mass
and, suddenly, wham! Dead.
As you requested, a Klineholtz
bolt-action nine-millimeter
titanium folding stock with
and counterweighted
micro-rifled barrel.
My favorite gun.
But I don't kill
people anymore.
Killing?
You're planting a bug.
It was all in that "crap" file.
Go look through your binoculars.
(beeping)
They're arriving.
Ready?
It's critical we get
a listening device
in Banning's meeting.
Range... 962 feet.
Aim for the briefcase.
Should be a piece
of cake for you, sir.
(yelling)
(foghorn blowing)
You kind of missed.
(ricochet)
(metallic clunk)
BANNING:
In the year 2001
$35 billion worth of bottled
water was consumed worldwide.
Today, bottled water costs more
per gallon than gasoline.
We, my friends,
are the new oil barons.
BANNING (through headset):
We at Banning Springs
have developed
a new filtration process
that would protect your assets
against the biological holocaust
that's coming.
Looks like we got company.
CSA would be my bet.
You've heard what I have to say.
Now I'd like to hear you.
How much is this plan
going to cost us?
It won't cost you a penny,
out of pocket.
All I ask is to become
your slightly-more-
than-equal partner.
DEL:
Banning says he's got
the only process
to make their water safe.
But to use it,
they've got to give him
half of their companies?
He's trying to muscle
these guys
into selling
their companies to him.
Banning says that their
water sources are in danger.
Something about everyone
being defenseless
against more deadly
forms of bacteria.
I can barely make out
what he's saying.
Do you want to listen to this?
What do you think
that means, sir?
Del Blaine!
Yeah, I'll be there
in a minute.
Yeah, I'd really like
some help up here, sir.
Del Blaine!
DEL:
Do you hear me, sir?
I know this is not
near as exciting
as most of your missions,
but could you humor me
with just a little
professionalism?
I would really
love some help...
What are you doing?
(grunting)
What's with the jumpy-jumpy?
Take off your headphones!
- What?
- Your headphones!
(grunting)
(panting):
Okay, Chapter Six
of the training manual.
Unarmed assailant...
frontal attack.
Begin!
Stomach, head! Stomach, head!
- (whimpers)
- (growls)
(grunting)
(yells)
God!
What's my name?!
Yeah!
(grunting)
You okay?
(grunting)
Oh! Where the hell
have you been?!
(grunts)
DEL:
Stop pushing!
Aah, my hand!
Whoa!
(high-pitched karate yell)
(grunting)
Yeah! Not bad.
Sir?!
Sir, are you okay, sir?
(both grunting)
(shrieks)
Don't let go! Don't!
No, no, no, let go!
(shrieking)
(grunting)
You're-you're-you're ripping...
my sl-sleeve! You-you...
(shrieks)
No, no. No, not, not my...
(screaming)
Sir!
My ring.
(screaming)
(metallic clang)
(gasping):
Oh, my God!
Oh, my... Oh!
This was not...
part of the plan.
(grunts)
Del Blaine?
Del...
(footsteps clattering)
(mouthing)
(beeps)
Confidence.
Del...
(light stand creaks)
(mouthing)
(clanging)
(grunting)
(hollow thud)
(groans)
(grunts)
(panting)
Nice of you, moron.
Not in the manual.
(disgusted grunt)
Creep!
(tires squealing)
(engine revving)
Del Blaine! Stop!
(shrieks)
Get off of me!
(both gasping)
Why didn't you stop?
God, what the hell
is wrong with you?!
How do you...
fall off a building
and end up... uh...
- You okay?
- (panting)
(rhythmic breathing)
Would you stop that?
JIMMY:
It's okay.
I am in the car
with a psychopath.
We are not safe.
Are you upset?
Why would I be upset?
I've always wanted
to begin and end my career
with a big fat failure!
Thank you very much, Mr. Devlin.
It's my first time.
I mean... every mission
is like my first time.
It's so difficult
being Clark Devlin.
Oh.
Sorry.
(electrical crackling)
(Blaine shrieks)
Aah!
(coughing)
I didn't do that.
What...
i-is wrong with you?!
I'm not who you think I am.
Stay away!
I'm a little over-amped
myself right now.
Let's just call it a day.
Get some rest and medication.
What?
We'll be in communication.
Oh.
(engine starts)
I don't have your phone number!
(tires screech)
C.S.A. TARGET RANGE
DEL:
Who am I kidding?
I have no idea what I'm doing
or why I'm doing it.
STEENA:
I felt the same way
when I took my first
field assignment.
Then I met Clark Devlin
and life just got
a whole lot better...
and a little more complicated.
MAN:
Let's, uh, can we get
a close... can we...?
MAN 2:
How do we pan down...
Yeah. Just hit the
second button there.
DEL:
Everybody warned me,
he was unorthodox
but he's way irrational,
bordering on nutso.
We'll just get, uh... That's it.
There, yeah. That's it, there.
Look at that.
Move it over, over just a bit.
He's getting under your skin,
isn't he?
He got under my skin once
and I'm still feeling it.
Yeah, you told me.
What about his English?
Oh, I can never understand
half of what he says
but don't you just love
his accent?
She can't hear
anything from here...?
No, I don't think... Whoa!
God, I wish I was
still back in the field.
(cocks rifle, exhales)
How do you like me now?
(bullet casings clattering)
She's got issues, man.
Holy...
Can your, uh, can your
girlfriend shoot, uh...
A groin out of a target?
STEENA:
Let's go.
Let's get our nails done.
Okay.
STEENA:
Have a nice day, boys.
WOMAN (singsongy, over P.A.):
Dr. Angelo, Dr. Angelo...
They ran out of "Get well soon."
You said to wear this,
but I don't know.
Being Clark Devlin is not easy.
(ringing)
(ringing)
Hello.
BLAINE:
So, Mr. Devlin
how are you feeling today?
Not so good, I'm afraid.
Well, you've got a few hours
to pull yourself together.
What do you mean?
After the fiasco
of planting the bug
I'd say we have
only one choice:
Level One surveillance.
In other words...
Infiltration.
Banning's going to be at
the Lanford Hotel tonight
entertaining three
of his new partners.
Chalmers has agreed to...
get us at the next table.
Is this a black-tie event?
No. But I'm sure you'll
wear whatever you want.
Maybe we can find
Walter Strider.
Meet you there at 8:00.
(muffled):
Water... strider...
What?
Water...
Mr. Clark Devlin.
(muffled):
Stri... der...
What are you doing?
- Huh?
- (groans)
Uh, he needs help.
Security! Security!
(soulful orchestral intro)
At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over...
Del Blaine.
Hey.
I know how partial you are
to that monkey suit of yours
so I got gussied up.
Good job. You gussy very well.
Oh, and here's a little
something for you.
Hmm?
Oh.
Thank you.
Sorry, I don't have
anything for you.
It's a video camera.
Shh. Act normal.
We don't want everybody to know.
Sorry.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Uh, name, please.
Name?
Um...
Lincoln.
(chuckling)
Washington.
(chuckling)
Washington.
You're a billionaire
and you try to grease
the guy with seven bucks?
You think I have money
to throw away?
You on the list?
(sighing):
Perfect.
Let me talk to him.
No. You know what,
we'll do this my way.
I've got a T-135
disorientation module.
You just stand there.
Hi. Could you...
hold this for me?
Aw, thanks.
Now, where did I put
those tickets?
What's happening, Snowman?
What's happening?
What's happening, Snowman?
What's happening, Snowman?
Hey... what's happening?
(whispering):
Oh, hey.
I can't believe it.
James Brown.
The Godfather of Soul.
- What's happening?
- Hello.
Mr. Brown.
Forgive us for bothering you.
We came to see your show and...
Yeah, she forgot
to make reservations.
Don't worry about it.
I can get tickets
for the front row for you.
Oh, thank you very much,
Mr. Brown.
See? The things work out.
There's one more thing
I'd like to say, um...
It's not the in thing today
to give compliments
to a young lady
but I just got
to let you know that...
you got a nice rack.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Brown.
Enjoy the show.
(shouts and grunts)
- What...
- (gasps)
Is wrong with you?!
He f-fell down by himself.
You killed James Brown.
No, he's fine.
He's not fine.
And Banning is going to leave.
Don't panic.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Are you... praying?
Miss Cleo told me
this would happen.
$4.99-a-minute Miss Cleo?
Just go out and tell them
Mr. Brown is not here.
There will be another act.
Nice to meet you.
ANNOUNCER:
And right about now,
it is style time!
(audience whooping)
If you will,
ladies and gentlemen
introducing the hardest-working
man in show business
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Dynamite...
James Brown!
(drumroll)
(cheering and whistling)
(drumroll ends)
Uh, l-ladies and gentleman...
MAN:
What's going on?!
Mr. James Brown will not be
appearing tonight...
(audience groaning)
Due to unforeseen circumstances
but stay right where you are
because the Lanford Hotel is
really proud to present
the Last Emperor of Soul.
And, um, well, here he is.
(audience jeering)
Hi.
Hi, everybody. Good evening.
(nervous laughter)
How are you tonight?!
MAN:
Go home!
(audience jeering and booing)
Who wants to get funky tonight?!
Go ahead and make it funky.
Yeah.
(band plays up-tempo
rock intro)
(in James Brown's voice):
Get up!
CHORUS:
Get on up
Get on up
Get on up, y'all
Get on up
- Get on up
- Get on up
Gonna get-get-get-get-get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get on up
Get on up
Like a sex machine
Get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Get on up
Gonna get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Like a sex machine
Gonna get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Wait a minute!
Shake your arm,
then use your form
Stay on the scene
Like a sex machine
You got to have the feeling
Sure as you're born
Get it together
Right on, right on,
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
(musical interlude)
(audience cheers)
(woman shrieks)
(applause)
(audience cheering, whistling)
(shrieks)
Oh!
Ooh.
(audience whistling)
(cheering and whistling)
(audience cheering,
music playing)
Good God!
So, you had fun up there.
(derisive groan)
I was blending;
that's what agents do.
Would you please stop?
I'd like to get to Banning's
table before morning.
Whoa! Hey, slut, thanks.
I hate celebrities
who brush off their fans.
Banning's girlfriend
has been drinking.
Okay, she might be
able to tell... Clark!
Yes.
Stop.
Get on the scene, Sex Machine.
(light applause)
MAN:
Great job, man.
Hi.
Hi. Good evening.
Hello.
Well, we're all
vaguely honored
you could join us, I suppose.
Singing is my favorite
type of music.
Oh, admirable.
BANNING:
Regrettably, this is
my vacuous fiancee.
I think her name is Cheryl
something.
Oh, charmed.
I could look at you all day.
(giggles)
Do you ever dance
unprofessionally...
Emperor?
Let's see what I can do.
(giggles)
Oh, excuse us.
Of course.
(band plays mambo)
Do you know how to mambo?
I hope so.
(beeping)
Whoo!
(giggling)
(sultry saxophone plays)
Hmm... '92 Dasani.
Gentle bouquet with a hint
of vinyl polychloride.
Earthy yet... ethereal.
Cheers.
(water splashes)
Oops.
I spilled.
JIMMY:
You and Banning seem very close.
Tell me about his work.
I don't want
to talk about him.
I want to talk about you.
You're such a handsome devil.
So are you.
When I can't sleep at night,
which is quite often
I step into my
laboratory and I play.
It's not work, you see.
It's glorious
wet... play.
Well, maybe I can
come over and play.
That would be very nice.
The thing is, I, uh...
I have a small problem...
trusting people.
I don't know if I can trust
myself with you, Deitrich.
Well, maybe we can come up
with a way for you to pro...
Her name's Del Blaine.
She's CSA.
Oh, bloody hell.
He drives a BMW,
registered to Clark Devlin.
You told me you
dealt with Devlin
with the skateboard bomb.
Yeah, well, he looks
pretty alive to me.
Pretty good dancer.
He's all over Cheryl.
You want me to do
something about that?
No.
Maybe the rancid tart
might actually be
of some use for once.
Get the boys, would you?
Whoo! I am so bushed.
I'm sorry,
you'll have to excuse me.
Unfortunate interruptus.
So, my long streak of love,
here is the key
to the hospitality suite
should you feel the need
to spend the night.
Good-bye.
Well, I think I'll just go up
to room 7-2... excuse me... 6-8
and take a long, hot bath
in room 7-2-6-8.
Good night.
Good night.
(chuckles)
And once again,
we end up with nothing.
I can get her to talk.
And say what?
(ditzy voice):
Oh, Emperor,
would you sign my bra?
Oops, I'm not wearing one.
(giggles)
What is it with you and bras?
She has information.
Oh, right, and that's why you
have to go up to her hotel room.
You have never seen my work.
This is what
Clark Devlin does best.
Can I go home?
No, you have to cover me.
With what, a shot of penicillin?
Huh?
Fine.
I'll be waiting by the pool.
Oh, wait.
What's her room number again?
(ditzy voice):
(amplified, slow motion
footsteps echoing)
("You'll Never Find Another
Love Like Mine" begins)
Yoo-hoo!
Cheryl!
CHERYL:
Hey, you little devil.
You'll never find...
What kind of bubbles
do you like?
Little...
As long as you live
...or big?!
(clattering)
Someone who loves you
Hang it for me, will you?
Tender like I do
Whoa, I'm not bragging
on myself...
So...
I know you can dance, but...
what else can you do?
Get on the bed.
I'll show you.
(giggling)
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
(beeping)
Okay, Mr. Devlin,
let's see your magic.
(Cheryl moaning erotically)
Oh, my God, your hands
are like a machine.
Oh, I am never working
with him again.
So, tell me about Deitrich's
good friend, Walter Strider.
(bones cracking)
Oh! Never heard of him...
but I know Dry Martini.
Maybe someone should mix us
a couple.
Y-O-U spells "you."
(giggles softly)
(chuckles)
Oh.
You're smart.
Really?
And a good speller.
(giggling)
Thanks. I graduated
top two-thirds
of my sixth grade class.
But I know somehow, some way...
What a gentleman.
Some way, you are...
You're gonna miss my lovin'...
Look, it's Cocktail Barbie.
Take your clothes off
and stay a while.
L-I like my clothes on.
Kinky boy.
Wh-Wh...?
Where did you
get that pin?
Oh. Deitrich.
Want to have a closer look?
Huh?
(giggling)
I'm sorry.
Look at the time. I got to go.
Oh, Emperor.
(yelling)
(shrieking)
Where are you going?
JIMMY:
What are you doing?
Oh, Emperor.
(both shrieking)
Oh, where are you going
you naughty boy?
I adore romance when it's rough.
Whoo!
(grunting)
(whirring)
(slapping)
(gasping)
(yells)
(angry grunt)
Get back here!
You're dead meat!
Come on!
(grunting)
(screaming)
(panting)
Take a bath.
Oh, yes, because I've been
a dirty, dirty girl.
(loud smooch)
(gasping)
Go fill the tub.
Do you like it with bubbles?
Hot bubbles.
(shrieking):
Oh, yippee!
Yippee!
(shrieking)
CHERYL:
Tiny bubbles in my wine...
Makes me feel fine
Come on, her voice reminds me
of my mother.
(thud)
CHERYL:
Is that room service?
(gasping)
(grunting)
(beeping)
(grunting)
(groans)
What's happening?
CHERYL:
What's going on under those
cute little boxers of yours?
(grunting)
CHERYL:
Emperor, the bubbles
are perfect.
CHERYL:
Come to mama, Emperor!
Coming!
(grunting and groaning)
Ow!
(whimpers)
DEL:
Help!
(screaming)
(whirring and beeping)
Say good night... agent!
Del Blaine. Del Blaine.
(gasping)
(man screaming)
(whirring and beeping)
Sorry.
CHERYL:
Emperor...
This is not what
I signed up for!
I need my bathroom bud.
Shh. She's in there
taking a bath.
What happened to your nose?
(yelping)
(gasping and yelping)
Sorry!
Honeymooners.
Yes, some things never change.
Emperor!
Emperor, come back!
Please!
(soft grunt)
Oh...
Go! Get going.
Ouch!
Can't you do anything?
Why are you so mad?
Gee, let me think.
Because big, ugly men
are trying to kill me?
Because I got stuck
with a millionaire playboy
dilettante for a partner?
You don't care
how you make people feel.
I happen to be
an extremely sensitive person.
Ow!
Okay, you think
you know feelings.
Look at me.
How do I feel?
Sick.
Sad.
What about now?
Constipated.
Creepy.
Horny.
(exaggerated laughter):
Is funny.
(exaggerated yelling):
Is angry.
(exaggerated scream):
Is crazy.
You know nothing.
This is why you don't have
a boyfriend.
No wonder you didn't get
anything from Banning.
Oh... right, I didn't
get anything from Banning
except where
his friggin' lab is.
Where?
Let's see if the great master
"agent" can figure it out.
Banning said he sometimes
has trouble sleeping.
Big secret.
All men have trouble sleeping.
Sometimes at night, he goes
down and works in his lab.
He sleeps in his lab?
He sleeps in his bedroom.
His lab's in his bedroom?
No.
Get your facts straight.
His lab is at his house...
his casa, where he lives...
get it?
Excellent.
You passed the test.
I put in a good word
with the boss.
Well, let's go
see Chalmers tonight.
No.
Keep him out of this.
Just you and me.
You know,
if you're so good at this
why-why don't you tell me
something about me?
Okay.
You have big crush on me
and I know your
name is Del Blaine.
First of all, you wish, and...
my real name is Delilah.
Delilah?
Suits you.
Hey...
Hmm?
(Jimmy grunting)
Ooh!
(laughing):
Oh!
(shrieking):
Oh... oh, Emperor!
JIMMY:
Hey!
Oh, God, Clark,
isn't anything sacred?
Oh, rug burns are so sexy!
It's the driver.
Oh, my God.
(Cheryl laughing)
(techno-pop dance music plays)
Thank you.
Invitations?
Oh, yes.
Why don't you offer him
five bucks?
I have them somewhere.
Birds of a feather...
Nice party, huh?
So, you're the strong,
silent type, huh?
That's the whole
bouncer package.
(whirring and beeping)
I didn't mean your package.
Thank you...
Dr. Schwartz.
Shalom.
Come, darling.
Product launch, my ass.
Let's go find
Banning's lab.
(techno dance music blaring)
Let's go.
(gate squeaking)
Are you trying to get me alone?
Where'd they go?
Don't tell me
the great Clark Devlin
can't come up with an answer.
(water splashing)
Although
he can walk on water.
It's a trick, right?
(machinery grinding)
Come on.
Wow!
Mr. Devlin likes insects, too.
What?
Oh, uh, uh, I mean
sometime I speak of myself
in the third person.
Hmm, Del Blaine
thinks you're a freak.
MAN:
Have you cleaned the tanks?
(indistinct voices)
JIMMY:
What are they doing down there?
DEL:
I don't know.
MAN:
When you're done here
you can go
and sweep the tunnels.
Don't use the blower!
I can tell the difference.
And don't touch the tequila
for me and Mr. Banning.
Whatever you say there,
Dr. Simms.
Yes, Dr. Simms.
Louder!
BOTH:
Yes, Dr. Simms.
We better hope the little
ones follow the queen.
Well, if they don't
the stock is going
to be worthless.
"Follow the queen"?
Huh? Have you seen Cheryl?
Maybe he's gay.
Cheryl? No.
WORKER:
Man, let's get out of here.
Let's go have a smoke.
It still stinks.
Hey.
How did you...?
Whatever.
JIMMY:
Look at this.
(air hissing)
He's pinpointed
the national reservoirs.
He's going to poison
the water?
Not with that stuff.
It's too detectable
and there's
government safeguards.
Let's check out the computer.
Now you're thinking.
(whirring and beeping)
Who are they?
They shouldn't be in the lab.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, your God what?
DNA recombinant microbes
carrying a T-4 genome.
English.
Genetically induced
hydrogen-oxygen barrier.
Normal person's English.
DEL:
Dehydrating water.
Drink it,
you'll shrivel up and die
but the big question is,
how is he possibly
going to introduce it
into the water supply?
(door opening)
I think we better go.
Huh?
Go.
(typing on keyboard)
(computer beeps)
Quick, over there by the wall.
(sensor beeping)
Nobody here.
Let's check the hatchery.
(beeping continues)
DEL:
You're on my foot.
(electrical crackling)
What was that about?
Shh! Go!
How did they miss us?
What, are they blind?
Don't look up my skirt.
("Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"
playing)
Set adrift
on memory bliss of you
The camera pans
the cocktail glass
Behind a blind
of plastic plants
I found the lady
with the fat diamond ring
Then you know I can't remember a
damn thing
I think it's one...
Banning's got the bacteria
but he has to transport it
from his lab to the water.
There's no way he can.
Maybe with airplanes.
Not possible.
Besides, even if he could get it
to a reservoir undetected
an alarm would trigger
the second the surface
of the water's broken.
You're really smart.
It's an act.
I'm an inexperienced girl
who's trying to bluff
her way through.
You are?
Come on, stop humoring me.
Just be honest.
...assuming that there are
some out there...
Honest?
All right.
You think
I'm the great Clark Devlin.
(phone ringing)
...gonna say
I look lovely...
Yeah, hello?
Steena, I can't talk right now.
...I can't lie
She's just one of those corners
in my mind
And I just put her right back...
Yeah.
Yeah, I can handle it.
Bad news?
Can we go somewhere
and be... alone?
Sure.
I didn't know
you were so strong.
Take off your clothes.
Let's not do anything
we'll regret.
Take off your clothes.
What's happening?
Look, I knew
the second I met you
you weren't Clark Devlin.
Now take off the tuxedo.
It doesn't belong to you.
I wanted to tell you,
but I just didn't know how.
Take off your clothes.
(toilet flushing)
What is that?
Hey!
Whoa!
You, out here!
Okay.
Take the clothes.
Okay.
Slow down.
My name is Jimmy Tong.
I'm Mr. Devlin's driver.
He asked me to find
Walter Strider.
I don't want to hear
any more of your lies.
Now, give me the watch
and the shoes.
Now, where's Clark Devlin
and how did you think
you were going
to get away with this?
Things happened.
I decided to go with the flow.
What about the underwear?
They're mine.
L-I mean, my roommate.
Jimmy.
Suits you.
(door opens, closes)
These are my roommate's, too.
Go finish your business.
(belt buckle clanking)
(dance music blaring)
Have you seen the Emperor?
No.
Impolite to leave
without saying good-bye
to the host.
I was just looking for Deitrich.
I'll take you to him, then.
(grunting)
Like a big terrier
with a little rat.
I think she was
down in the lab.
Well, at least your interest
in water was genuine.
Look, I'm here because of you.
You wanted to know
if I could be trusted?
I bet this tux
is just your size.
Thank you.
(beeping)
(whirring and beeping)
We got a positive location
on Blaine, sir.
CHALMERS (over headset):
How long till we get to her?
I've transmitted
the coordinates.
JIMMY:
Dear Mr. Devlin
I did the best I could,
but it wasn't good enough.
I did not find Walter Strider
for you.
I also lost your tuxedo.
I'm sure you will get it back.
I guess I will go back to being
what I was before I met you.
Oh!
Water Strider.
Water strider.
Water strider!
Stupid!
BANNING:
My beautiful little darlings.
DEL:
Gerris maginatus.
Species native
to Southeast Asia.
Commonly known
as the water strider.
(quietly):
Walter Strider.
Yes, the water strider.
Very good. Very good.
Well, it's brilliant.
They touch down
on the reservoirs.
Their little feet transfer
a deadly bacteria
without breaking
the surface of the water
so no alarms sound,
and it looks like
a nasty little trick of nature.
Fortunately
there is one drinkable
water source.
(gasps)
Yours.
(giggles maniacally)
Deitrich,
you're a genius.
Too bad it won't work.
Oh... you so wrong.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong.
It will work because
my plan is perfect.
Sorry, Mr. Banning,
it's your plan... and mine.
Um... it's ours.
Shut up. Explain.
Oh, all righty.
The life cycle
of the Gerris maginatus
begins with mating...
something Dr. Simms
is not personally familiar with.
Anyhoo, the insects swarm
to freshwater
where fertilized eggs are then
deposited on the underside
of lotus leaves
and hatch into larvae.
Spare me
the Discovery Channel blather.
(chuckles)
Tell me why it won't work.
Yes, tell us.
Why it won't work?
This is the northern
hemisphere, correct?
You incubated insects native
to the southern hemisphere.
So, simply, it is too cold
for them to mature sexually...
much like Simms here.
Therefore...
they won't mate.
Therefore,
they won't seek out water.
Is this true?
No, I knew a girl once,
in college, quite well.
Very well.
And then you remember
cousin Doris?
No, Simms, the bugs.
The bugs.
Oh, you're not going
to believe this hootchie
are you, Mr. Banning?
Oh, yeah?
Ask him if I lied
about the tuxedo.
This tuxedo is...
it's all right. It's...
"All right"?
That is the most incredible
piece of technology
on the planet.
And I am laying it
in your big, hot hands.
Mr. Banning, release the bugs.
Go ahead.
Do what he tells you.
You might have a chance
at second prize
at a junior high school
science fair
but you can forget your dreams
of world domination.
Slip into it, Deitrich.
See how it feels.
DEVLIN:
The other ten percent's
in there.
You've got plenty of it.
Hey, Dr. Schwartz.
Tell your boss
Clark Devlin is back.
(guns cocking)
(electronic crackling)
Drapes nicely.
(beeping)
Well, it certainly puts
a spring in one's step.
Happy to have lightened
your loafers, Deitrich.
One question.
Why are you doing this?
(alarms blaring)
Hey, what the hell is this?
This is the moment where
take you,
your pretentious accent
your jackass sideburns
to the Federal pen where,
guess what?
All they serve is highly
chlorinated tap water.
Presenting Clark Devlin.
(grunts)
Have I told you how amazing
you look in this tuxedo?
(groans)
Simms, prepare for release.
With pleasure, sir.
COMPUTER VOICE:
Hatchery doors opening.
Water sources targeted.
Pods will begin releasing
striders in five minutes.
(sticky squishing)
(beeping)
Maturation level: 85o/o.
(groans)
Why are you here?
I've come to save you.
That's great.
What about the big guys
with the big guns?
(gasps)
(grunts)
For years, I've heard about you.
Now we finally meet, I find
that the great Clark Devlin
is nothing more
than an ordinary man
who's about to die
an extraordinary death.
You're right
except for one thing.
My name's Tong.
James Tong.
(grunting)
(yells)
(muffled yells)
You okay?
Uh, Jimmy, is there
something you want to tell me?
Later.
(electrical rumbling)
Oh, you've got
a good suit as well.
(theme plays)
(grunts)
(yells)
All right!
Let go!
(grunts)
(yells)
(yells)
(yells)
(blows)
(grunting)
(electrical rumbling)
COMPUTER:
X-4 genome bacteria-induced
water striders: 100o/o mature.
Bacteria drop sites identified.
Pods now opening.
What are you doing?! No! No!
She's ruining everything.
Electrical malfunction.
Hatchery door is disengaged.
Ah, I knew girls like you
in high school.
Yeah? Did they do this?
Uh-huh, they did.
SIMMS:
Mr. Banning, you must
open the hatch manually.
Sod off.
COMPUTER:
Manual hatch release required.
Manual hatch release required.
(grunting)
COMPUTER:
Rotate valve counterclockwise
to open hatch.
(grunting)
(Banning yells)
(grunts)
Get off.
Bloody open!
COMPUTER:
Manual procedure complete.
Hatchery doors opening.
(macho grunt)
COMPUTER:
Airborne striders
awaiting queen release.
(grunts)
(techno music playing)
Hatchery doors opening.
Clark!
I mean, Jimmy, help me!
I'm busy.
(yells)
All mature striders
ready for release.
Bacteria-laced microbes
fully activated.
(grunts and groans)
(gagging)
His head's about to explode.
Look at him.
Look at him!
You might know a few tricks
but you're just
a sad, pathetic man.
(gagging)
(puffing)
(yells)
(sizzling)
Smoking is bad for your health.
You okay?
Yeah, duh.
By the way, nice going.
Now millions of people are going
to die of dehydration.
You left the hatch open.
(bugs buzzing)
They're not flying away.
DEL:
Yeah, what are they waiting for?
They are waiting...
to follow the queen.
COMPUTER:
Airborne striders
awaiting queen release.
DEL:
Oh, my God.
For once, you're right.
The queen is going
to lead the striders
to freshwater sites
all over North America.
Quick, grab it
before it's released.
Queen strider disengaged.
Alert!
Queen strider disengaged.
(alarm blaring)
Let's go.
MAN:
He's got the queen!
(screaming)
(grunts and groans)
Wait!
You dropped it.
(wings whirring)
(buzzing)
(buzzing)
(whimpers)
(squeaky chittering)
(squeals)
Don't move!
(gasps)
(squeals)
(moans and squeals)
(grunts)
(giggling)
Oh!
(electronic rumble)
(loud buzzing)
Ow.
(bones cracking)
(yelling)
(yelling continues)
(yelling)
(gagging)
(water striders buzzing)
(gagging)
DEL:
Sir, excuse me,
I deserve to see this.
Ugh.
(alarms blaring)
Trouble.
(alarm continues)
Okay, okay, make hustle, ladies.
Let's go. Let's go.
Watch out, Aqua-Lung.
Hey, pal, nice suit.
It's okay, kitten.
Everything's going
to be all right.
It is not okay.
You just decked the hero.
L-I'm a genius and I can testify
for a piece of immunity.
Also, I'm from
a neutral country...
Shut it.
Well, looks like we
got here just in time.
Oh, to what? Take credit?
Oh, you're hilarious, Blaine.
Winton Chalmers, CSA.
I spearheaded the operation
that took down Deitrich Banning.
I bet you're Jimmy Tong.
Here's your tuxedo.
You happy now?
Well, I will be when I get it
safely back to headquarters.
By the way, Blaine,
not a bad job
for your first time
in the field.
Well, I didn't do it alone.
She always says
nice things about me.
When you finally
do something right,
you deserve the credit.
Well, sir
it's an honor to help
the United States of America.
I feel exactly
the same way, soldier.
You don't think you're going
to be able to get away
with a bureaucratic pat
on the butt, do you?
Well, I'm hoping to.
(agents laughing)
(grunts)
Ooh, man down, people.
Well... there is one thing
you can do for me.
And that would be?
STEENA:
All right, tracking
systems locked on.
Anybody screws up
and your ass is mine.
Block off this end
of the street.
AGENT:
Roger that.
All right, we're at
T minus 30 and counting.
Is everyone in position?
AGENT:
Manhole agent up.
Flower lady, hot dog vendor, go.
Replace the hot dog vendor.
Come on, hustle.
Let's go.
AGENT:
This is Bird Three,
the street is secure.
Uh-oh, bike messenger.
Hostile forces moving in.
Go on, Randall, take him out.
AGENT:
Roger. T-14 descending.
AGENT:
Advance the lead
operation vehicle.
Bring in the package
as soon as I cross.
AGENT:
Roger that.
Hustle, people.
The package is on the move.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
it's show time.
How's our package?
I forget what to say.
But you can do this.
Focus. Go.
Huh?
Go.
AGENT:
Package dropped.
AGENT 2:
Roger. Target locked.
Jimmy, what do you say?
The name's Tong. James Tong.
I'm the man. I'm the man.
STEENA:
Del, did you tell him
to say that?
DEL:
No. Well, sort of.
Oh, God.
DEVLIN:
Come on, ladies, relax.
He's just pumping out
pheromones.
Clark, shut up.
I do believe I'm in charge
of this operation.
Package is locked on target.
Why did you wear those pants?
AGENT:
He's stopping.
- What's he stopping for?
- Why is he stopping?
DEVLIN:
Use the door, Jimmy.
AGENT:
He's really
breathing heavy now.
AGENT 2:
Have you seen her?
He's out of his league,
if you know what I mean.
Shh!
- He's like a hunter.
- It's the gallery owner.
Randall, quiet.
Nice.
Clark, please,
would you focus?
He's about to speak.
Open your mouth.
Hi.
- He said, "Hi."
- Hi.
That's the girl?
AGENT:
He came up with that on his own.
She's not that pretty.
STEENA:
Jimmy, smile, come on.
DEVLIN:
Move on to something else...
quick.
He doesn't look so good.
He doesn't look so good.
He doesn't look so good.
- Jimmy? Jimmy?
- He doesn't look so good.
Clark, give him a line.
Steena, shut up.
- Just look deep into her eyes...
- Clark, no.
That crap doesn't work...
Looks like
he's hyperventilating.
If I remember rightly,
it worked...
Don't listen to them.
Listen to me.
I can't think with you
screaming in my ear.
Everybody calm down, all right?
Not you, her.
No, no, her, her.
Look deep into her eyes...
DEL:
It's me.
...and tell her you had a dream
about her last night.
Clark, be quiet.
Del, will you shut up?
- Uh...
- (agents talking)
DEVLIN:
I hate to say this, Jimmy
but don't take advice
from women about women.
DEL:
Shut up.
STEENA:
Clark, you've been reassigned.
The voices are screaming
in my ear.
DEL:
Hey, if you can hear me
wipe that look off your face.
Remember me?
Hooters.
(agents groan)
Soul patch.
Okay, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
I'm the love of my life...
DEVLIN:
No, no! No, no!
You're the love of my life.
No, you never tell them
you love them, Jimmy.
Can you have... dinner with me?
Get out.
Pretty sure he craps
his pants, people.
I just want to have dinner.
Get out now.
- Lunch?
- Now!
Oh!
STEENA:
All right, we're
terminating this mission.
Pack it up and roll home.
I think I blew it, Mr. Devlin.
Jimmy, I wrote the book
on this stuff.
Trust me, you didn't blow it.
You outgrew her.
Maybe.
Tell you what.
Take the weekend off.
First thing Monday morning
we'll head for somewhere with
more interesting prospects.
How about Monte Carlo?
Sounds good.
Thanks, Mr. Devlin.
Thanks, everybody.
AGENT:
It's okay, Jimmy.
AGENT 2:
Hang in there.
AGENT 3:
Next time.
Well, if you were trying
to get her to notice you
mission accomplished.
What are you planning
for the second date?
Running at her with a knife?
It's difficult for me.
What is so hard?
You just have to say
something like...
"Excuse me, you want
to go get some coffee?"
When I around beautiful
women, I can't talk.
Sure. Beautiful women.
You know, a real knockout.
Like the beautiful lady
in the gallery.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
What?
You can't tell how I feel?
You look sad.
No.
Sick?
No.
Constipated?
No.
A little.
Tell me, what's wrong?
It's just no guy would ever
do anything for me
like what you did for her.
Or tried to do.
You know why?
Because you are
a pain in the butt.
Yeah, nice working
with you, too.
Hello.
Delilah, excuse me.
You want to have a coffee?
I only drink organic green tea.
(imitates buzzer)
Wrong answer.
You're never going
to have a boyfriend.
Fine.
Coffee. I love coffee.
You learn quick.
Is that your happy face
or your horny face?
I tell you later.
One, two, three, four
(James Brown's "Get Up"
begins)
Get up
Getty-get, get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Get up now
Getty-get, get-get-get...
James. James...
Tong...
(giggling)
Get-get-get get on up...
Cut.
Get up now
Getty-get, get-get-get on up
Oh...
Couldn't tell you
what I'm about to say.
(grunting)
Purse!
(crew laughs)
Cut.
I'm sorry.
Huh?
(laughing)
The bird hit the guy.
Huh?
WOMAN:
Is this a bunch of crap.
Is this a bunch crap?
Bunch of crap.
Okay.
You think I'm speak
very good English, huh?
What's in your head,
flies out your mouth.
What's in your head,
fly from your mouth.
What's in your mouth...
That's okay. Cut.
No wonder.
This is why
you don't have a boyfriend.
That's...
(laughter)
That's... thought...
Frog?
Fraud.
(giggling)
Look at...
Look at her ugly face.
Every time I look...
Every time, she just like this.
How can I act?
- Can we do a single on me?
- No.
Action!
Aah...
No, no, no.
Cut! Cut!
(grunting)
Let's follow 'em.
They'll take us to the lab.
Who?
(giggling)
Let's...
(laughing)
Cut.
I got the happy partner
over here.
Jimmy.
What do you...?
(laughing)
(crew laughing)
She smile the whole movie.
Waste of film, waste of time.
What is she doing?
Hit me!
Oh, no!
You're fast.
But I'm faster.
Good God!
(espionage-flavored
techno-pop theme playing)
DREAMWORKS PICTURES
Captioned by
access. Wgbh. Org
(lilting melody played
on acoustic guitar)
(violins join in)
(French horns playing)
(trumpets join in)
(solo guitar resolves melody)
(water gurgling)
(water gurgling)
(pastoral theme music begins)
(water gurgling)
(music soaring)
(music stops)
(espionage-flavored
techno-pop intro)
(water gurgling)
(French horns playing melody
over techno beat)
# #
# #
# #
# #
# #
# #
(theme music ends)
Come on.
WOMAN:
Central Security Agency.
This is Wallace.
Operation Big Drip
is cresting Level Two.
I need Devlin.
I need him now.
WOMAN:
Hold, please.
No, no, don't put me on hold!
- (dialing)
- Mother...
(groaning)
(whooshing)
(retching)
(gurgling)
WOMAN:
Hello, Agent Wallace.
I need your nine-digit
security code, please.
Hello? Agent Wallace?
Agent Wallace?
(phone beeps off)
Agua la vista... baby.
MAN:
Hello, my name's Jimmy Tong
and I was wondering
if there's anything I could say
that would convince you
to have lunch with me.
MAN 2 (imitating woman):
Oh, Jimmy, you're so cute.
Let's go back to your apartment
and make like... donkey.
You got me nervous again.
It's just a salesgirl.
To you... but, to me...
I dream of her
before I ever saw her.
No, that there! That!
Shh.
That is the line.
Go tell her that. That line.
Listen.
Hi.
My name is Jimmy Tong.
When I see you,
I have a wet dream.
Is that what I say?
No, no, you know...
just ask her out to lunch now
and later,
we work out that line.
But hurry up, man.
We be wasting time, man.
Come on. We have to drive.
(anxious sighing)
And whatever you do,
do not be yourself.
Just joking.
(sighs)
WOMAN:
Thank you so much.
You're welcome. Good-bye.
(sighs)
I can do it.
Hi. My name's Jimmy Tong.
Okay...
(exhales)
Hi.
Hi.
Pretty colors.
Will you excuse me
for just one moment?
Okay.
(anxious sighing)
Ah...
Just between us guys...
you don't come around
here for the art, do you?
Who would?
Heh. Yeah.
Uh... let me,
as owner of this gallery
give you a little bit
of friendly advice.
Don't waste any time.
You go over there and
you ask Jennifer out.
You think so?
Yes. That way, she can say no
and we can get on
with our little lives.
Thank you for your advice.
Yeah.
Hello. My name Jimmy Tong.
What can I say to convince you
to have lunch with me?
("Love's Theme" disco music
playing)
(groaning)
Oh!
(groaning in pain)
I'm sorry. Are you hurt?
I'm terr... I didn't...
(growling)
(howling)
Come here, you little runt.
(gasping)
Hi. Hello.
(growling)
(woman screams)
(honking)
Get back here! Come here!
Where'd you go?
Where are you?
Sauer... sauerkraut
or sauercrop?
Sauerkraut?
(roaring)
(clanks)
(grunting)
Hey... hey, hey!
Hey! I just washed that car.
What the hell
wrong with you, boy?
Want I jam this in your ass
and break it?
You want a go? Come down here.
Whoa, whoa, wait, oh.
Not too fast.
- Not too fast.
- (tire iron clanks)
Hey, I just want to talk.
Eh, eh, you do that
there, man. You do that.
Oh, you're scared now.
(clucking)
Just-just go
and get yourself
some training wheels!
Go get a tattoo of a chicken!
Go!
I thought all your
people know karate.
Not everybody Chinese
is Bruce Lee.
Just calm yourself, eh,
Jimmy, calm yourself.
Just not my day.
Whoo! Wow.
Do you think you can get me
to 70 Fleming Street?
Of course. Wait a second.
(metallic thumping)
(blowing)
You Jimmy Tong?
That's who I am.
Who are you?
The name is Steena.
So, how come you drive so fast?
More fares.
Mmm. Is that why
you had your license
suspended nine times
for speeding?
But no accidents.
Do you remember where I'm going?
Get me there before
I finish putting on my makeup
and I'll, uh, double the meter.
You serious?
Do I look like
I have a sense of humor?
Okay.
(engine roaring)
Hurry, open the gate!
Hey, Jimmy... ho, ho, ho, ho!
(speaking Chinese):
LAZY ASS! OPEN THE GATES!
I'M ON MY COFFEE BREAK.
SHUT UP, OLD MAN!
IT'S JIMMY, YOU FOOL!
DON'T RUN OVER THE CHICKENS!
You drive too fast!
Oh, I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I got mad skills, I will
get wild
I will get wild,
I will get wild
I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I got mad skills, I will
get wild
I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I will get wild,
I will get wild...
Yeah, I got mascara
and eyeliner left.
You got five blocks.
(sirens blaring)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
Don't tell me
you're slowing down.
(honking continues)
You know, you drive like
an old woman.
Hmm.
You're not scared, are you?
(honking)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
(tires screeching)
(horns honking)
I got mad skills,
I will get wild
I got mad skills, I will
get wild
I will get wild,
I will get wild.
(whistle blows)
Hey, you!
What do you think you're doing?
Back off, buddy.
She's mine.
Oh, it's you, miss.
Well, you lived up
to your reputation.
The job is yours.
I have a job. A good one.
Oh, yeah? How much do you
make at this "good job"?
$475 a week, plus tips.
So how would you like to make
$2,000 a week
plus room and board?
When do I show up?
Tomorrow morning, 7:00 a.m.
You'll be driving
Clark Devlin, Mr. Tong.
DOORMAN:
Good day, miss.
Now, you!
Out of here!
(birds chirping)
STEENA:
Good morning, Mr. Tong.
Huh.
You put your face on
without me, huh?
Please have a seat.
Those are the house rules.
Memorize them.
Especially number one.
"Never talk directly
to Mr. Devlin."
If you have any questions
you'll find
all the answers in there.
And, if I were you, I'd get rid
of the mildew on the chin.
My soul patch?
Uh, yeah.
You like working
for this Devlin guy?
I don't work for him.
(slow, techno-pop
espionage theme playing)
(door shuts)
I'm not a professional driver,
but I'd always believed
that thing you're staring
into is designed
for the monitoring of traffic,
not passengers.
Am I wrong?
While I'm really enjoying
our time together
shall we try moving?
DEVLIN:
Wallace has been my partner
for years.
Something's happened to him.
He wouldn't just disappear.
Now, you get yourjob done
and find my partner.
MAN (on phone):
So tell me how.
You're the head
of an intelligence agency.
Why don't you be intelligent?
I don't understand
what you're talking about.
Well, why don't you call me back
when you do understand
what I'm talking about.
(disco music
plays on speakers)
Did we just take
the Balsam Road exit?
Of course.
You have to take
the surface street.
Sorry.
Did you get a copy
of the rules?
Did you read them?
Jimmy, let me tell you
something, my friend...
I hate the rules.
Take Grant Boulevard
all the way.
The lights are timed.
Thank you.
(speaks Chinese)
And, Jimmy...
crank the music up.
Yes, sir.
(music blaring)
C.S.A. HEADQUARTERS
MAN:
Deputy Director Chalmers,
ladies, gentlemen
I present to you
Special Agent Wallace.
Deceased two days, 14 hours,
five minutes... approximately.
Pretty interesting.
Now, why don't you, uh,
tell me a little about him?
Well, in simplest terms,
he drowned in his bathtub.
Contusion here suggests
he hit his head
fell prone, unconscious.
The man infiltrated
a Serbian death squad
with not even a scratch.
He goes down in a bathtub?
Life's a bitch.
You want to put him
back in the fridge?
WOMAN:
He didn't drown, sir.
He was murdered.
Does that make life
a little less bitchy?
And-and you would be?
That's Del Blaine, sir.
She's having a filter installed
between her brain and mouth
next week.
So you don't think he drowned?
Well, sir, there was water
in his lungs
but the pulmonary vein
was filled with
collapsed platelets
indicative of dehydration.
He died of thirst.
Thirst.
And it wasn't just
city tap water.
The mineral profile fit
a high-end bottled water
but what was really weird
is that
it contained a strain
of bacteria that I, so far
haven't been able to culture.
Anyway, uh... didn't
mean to interrupt.
Ooh, the woman seems to know
a lot about water.
Yeah. She thinks she knows
a lot about a lot of things.
You know, we have a special
situation in the field.
I think we could use
your talents.
You interested?
When do I start?
You ever hear of Clark Devlin?
Rumors and innuendo.
Del, I could tell you
a thing or two
about Clark Devlin.
Uh, you think we
could keep our minds
out of the gutter
for about a second?
Meet me upstairs
in an hour.
CHALMERS:
You might just become
Clark Devlin's next partner.
DEVLIN:
I'm going to need
that Gerris marginalis
as soon as possible.
WOMAN:
Yes. My contacts in Guatemala
have what you're looking for,
I'm sure.
Good.
And, meanwhile...
I'll take one of these
beautiful Uticella marginalis.
Just gorgeous.
(quiet chuckle)
Now, you're going to call me?
Is your phone number on file?
I'm having a bit of trouble
with the phones at the moment.
It might be better
if you dropped it off yourself.
It may take a while.
Well, why don't you
familiarize yourself
with the route?
There's a little gathering
at my house tonight...
a fund-raiser for
the Natural History Museum.
I would so love to have you.
(mouthing)
Should I send a car?
I drive myself.
Admirable.
Eight o'clock.
And, uh, be sure
not to wear anything
too distracting, or no one
will get their checkbooks out.
How did you learn
to be so smooth?
I've seen the way you drive.
You have
the same instincts I do.
You lack confidence.
The girl in the art gallery's
not beyond you, you know.
You know about her?
Every time we leave the house
we go by the art gallery
and slow down.
You just need a little polish.
(deep voice):
I'll never be a Clark Devlin.
Don't tell anyone this, Jimmy,
but there's a lot less
to Clark Devlin
than meets the eye.
I've got a couple of good lines
and a couple of
very expensive suits.
Apart from that,
we're exactly the same.
How about
a couple hundred million?
Trust me...
The other ten percent?
The other ten percent's
in there.
You've got plenty of it.
Oh, Mr. Devlin,
can I ask you a big favor?
Yeah?
Can I stop wearing my hat?
All right.
Thank you.
No, just stay smooth.
Remember... smooth.
Thank you.
Steena, Devlin.
This driver, this Jimmy,
I like him.
Let's get him a proper suit.
Something sexy. You pick it out.
All right.
Always a delight
talking to you, too, darling.
(phone beeps off)
Home, James.
Absolutely, Mr. Devlin.
(Argentine tango music plays)
(tango ends)
Oh!
Oops.
Watch your step.
Thank you, sir.
(Jimmy humming)
(continues humming)
(humming stops)
Oh...
This definitely not a rental.
Hello.
My name's Clark Devlin.
Would you like to dance?
Would you like to dance?
(chuckles)
Admirable.
There is just one rule.
(gasps)
Never touch my tuxedo.
I didn't.
Good.
Don't.
Yes, sir.
Jimmy.
Get the car.
Let's go for dinner.
Yes, sir.
# #
What'll you have? It's my treat.
Anything.
All right.
Two Whoppers,
hold the onion, extra ketchup.
Toast the bottom bun only,
medium well-done.
Two large fries,
extra well-done.
Two chocolate milkshakes,
however the chef likes.
That's it.
Your order's ready.
Pull forward.
That's pretty quick.
It's fast food. Anything else?
DEVLIN:
Yeah.
I'll have a personal pizza,
crispy crust.
He doesn't eat out much.
They don't serve pizza
at Burger...
New item, huh?
Do you have chicken chow mein?
Thank you.
- Jimmy?
- Yes?
It's a drive-through.
Let's drive.
Watch out!
(tires squeal)
(beeping)
Watch it, man!
Sorry, pal.
Let's go.
# #
JIMMY:
Why are we running away
from a skateboard?
I think it's probably a bomb.
(chuckles)
I thought you said a bomb.
What do you mean, a bomb?
(horns honking)
(horns honking)
(tires squealing)
(tires squeal)
(tires squealing)
(horn honks)
(honking)
(screeching)
No good. Out!
Mr. Dev...
Move!
(beeping rapidly)
(glass shattering)
(flames crackling)
Jimmy, you okay?
I'm fine.
You okay, boss?
Yeah.
Yeah, all in a day's work, eh?
Look.
Oh, damn.
Mr. Devlin.
You got any aspirin?
Who did this to you?
Water stri...
Walter Strider... he's the one?
Wat... er... stri...
Walter... Walter Strider.
(dialing cell phone)
No... no police.
Okay. Uh...
I need an ambulance right now.
His name is...
Trust nobody.
Uh... his name is...
Brad Dillford.
Wear it.
Wear...
Boss! Boss!
(sirens approaching)
(bell dings)
Hold on, boss. You'll be fine.
Give me the clipboard.
I'll take care of you.
Wa...
stri...
- Huh?
- Sir!
Oh!
Please wait in the waiting room.
Okay.
I will find Walter Strider.
Hey! Hey!
Huh? I'm sorry.
I promise.
(speaking Chinese)
MAN:
What do you want
my mother's maiden name for?
Last time she was
in here, I was born.
I'm sure my dad had something
to do with it
at least I hope so.
WOMAN (singsongy):
Dr. Angela.
Where is Dr. Angelo?
Dr. Angelo.
Are you Dr. Angela?
Dr. Angela.
Dr. Ang... ela.
Hey!
There's no smoking
in a hospital.
I was nervous. How is he?
He might be here a while.
You might want to get him
some things from home
in case he comes to.
Oh.
He had this clutched
in his hand.
I don't know
if it means anything.
WOMAN (on P.A.):
Orderly with wheels
to the front desk.
I do need Dr. Angelo.
Dr. Angelo.
Dr. Angelo is on holiday today.
- Oh, my God.
- Yeah.
(seagulls calling)
BANNING, INC.,
FLOATING HEADQUARTERS
MAN:
I'll tell you,
I'm pretty excited.
I mean, nervous,
but I'm excited.
I'm pumped, you know.
I knew I was doing good work
for Banning International
but I didn't know Mr. Banning
would be taking so much notice
of me so soon.
I'll say this, though,
when I'm CEO of this place
I won't be having
my headquarters
in the bottom of a boat,
you know what I mean?
MAN 2:
Why did you choose Mr. Lundeen?
He questioned
my growth projections.
(clanking)
No, that's not it.
I don't like his hair.
Mr. Banning.
So, word filtered
down to me
that you don't share my optimism
about our company's future.
Oh, no.
Actually, I just...
Drink?
Oh, yes, thank you.
I just felt that to meet
your projections, pretty much
every person on Earth
would have to drink
only Banning Springs water.
Yes, indeed.
Water, Mr. Lundeen,
comprises 60o/o of your body.
Don't you find it incredible
that two hydrogen atoms
and an oxygen atom can combine
to create something
so beautiful
so useful, so essential?
I find water to be
miraculous.
Do you think I'm silly?
Not at all.
(clears throat)
Feeling thirsty?
Yes.
BANNING:
You're helping me out
by being a guinea pig
for a new product.
Oh, I see.
What a brilliant idea.
Water that makes you thirsty.
What's in it?
Salt?
There's no profundity in salt.
(chuckles)
Bacteria.
Once ingested
its DNA will instruct
your cells' cytoplasm
to spill electrolytes
into your bloodstream
causing dehydration.
(groaning)
It's virulent
but, unfortunately,
it's too fast.
Way too fast.
As we speak, your internal
organs are shriveling.
You're becoming as dry as...
Well, as dry
as your limited imagination.
Gentlemen,
fetch the vacuum, won't you?
Thank you.
Schiffer, Schwartzkopf,
Sondheim, Springsteen...
No Strider.
(sighs)
(beeping)
Wow.
(beeps)
(electrical zapping)
TUX:
Welcome to the Tactical Uniform
Experiment.
Tuxedo recognizing new user.
Mapping user's
neurological structure.
Activate wristwatch
for desired function.
JIMMY:
Demo...
Okay, show me.
(beeps)
Uh-oh.
TUX:
Caution... demolition mode.
The Tuxedo will consider
any object a target
and act to destroy it.
(gasps)
Oh, what's happening?
(clangs)
TUX:
Exit the demolition mode
immediately.
(crashing)
(whimpers)
Burn, baby, burn
Disco inferno
Burn, baby, burn
Burn the mother down
Burn, baby, burn...
(beeping)
(frightened whimpering)
(beep)
MAN:
Mr. Devlin, is everything
all right?
This is Jimmy.
I think Mr. Devlin wants you
to clean his room tomorrow.
It's a little bit messy.
I think he threw the party.
Should I send someone up now?
No. Maybe after he leaves.
Very good.
(phone ringing)
Hmm?
(yells)
(groans)
(phone ringing)
Hello?
Are we on?
Are we on what?
C.S.A. OPERATIONS
I take my work seriously,
Mr. Devlin, so please
stop using
that ridiculous accent.
What?
What accent?
All right.
You're the senior officer.
I'll play it however you want.
Deitrich Banning is holding
a meeting with water CEOs.
The Agency wants us to find out
what he's planning.
Wh-What about Walter Strider?
Who is he?
I don't know. You tell me.
Okay.
So, we will meet tomorrow.
V-15, 10:00.
I'll be wearing a gray suit.
Your code is "nice rack."
(cackling)
I'll respond
"I forgot my bra."
That passes
for humor around here.
JIMMY:
What's the cross street?
Very funny.
(laughter continues)
(clears throat)
May I join you?
Uh, yeah.
Nice rack.
(heavy blow landing)
(phone ringing)
Hello.
Mr. Devlin, there's been
a change of plans.
But I'm here already.
Where are you?
Don't get all pissy about it.
They just told me,
so I'm telling you.
We'll meet tonight
base of the silo and...
forget the password.
Oh, now you tell me.
Oh, hey, there he is.
Oh, my God, that's him.
I got to go.
Guy in the raincoat. Get him!
I see you tonight. Sorry.
OFFICER:
Stop!
WOMAN:
Get back here, you creep!
(sighs)
So, we've got five minutes
to get into position.
I secured the rooftop.
The equipment's good to go
and I just have to say
it is such an honor to be
working with the legendary...
Clark Devlin?
I'm Del Blaine.
Have we met before?
No.
Good.
Okay, Del Blaine, let's do
what we've come here to do.
I'll follow you.
Ladies first.
Okay.
A couple of details changed
from what was in the file.
You read it?
The files are crap.
Give me the
short version.
Deitrich Banning's
holding a meeting
of international
water company CEOs.
We think he's trying
to force them
into selling
their companies to him.
Where are you going?
Huh?
I'm thinking.
We had Agent Wallace
working undercover
at his bottled water factory.
That is, until last week.
Wallace calls us
on his cell phone
to tell us that the operation
had reached critical mass
and, suddenly, wham! Dead.
As you requested, a Klineholtz
bolt-action nine-millimeter
titanium folding stock with
and counterweighted
micro-rifled barrel.
My favorite gun.
But I don't kill
people anymore.
Killing?
You're planting a bug.
It was all in that "crap" file.
Go look through your binoculars.
(beeping)
They're arriving.
Ready?
It's critical we get
a listening device
in Banning's meeting.
Range... 962 feet.
Aim for the briefcase.
Should be a piece
of cake for you, sir.
(yelling)
(foghorn blowing)
You kind of missed.
(ricochet)
(metallic clunk)
BANNING:
In the year 2001
$35 billion worth of bottled
water was consumed worldwide.
Today, bottled water costs more
per gallon than gasoline.
We, my friends,
are the new oil barons.
BANNING (through headset):
We at Banning Springs
have developed
a new filtration process
that would protect your assets
against the biological holocaust
that's coming.
Looks like we got company.
CSA would be my bet.
You've heard what I have to say.
Now I'd like to hear you.
How much is this plan
going to cost us?
It won't cost you a penny,
out of pocket.
All I ask is to become
your slightly-more-
than-equal partner.
DEL:
Banning says he's got
the only process
to make their water safe.
But to use it,
they've got to give him
half of their companies?
He's trying to muscle
these guys
into selling
their companies to him.
Banning says that their
water sources are in danger.
Something about everyone
being defenseless
against more deadly
forms of bacteria.
I can barely make out
what he's saying.
Do you want to listen to this?
What do you think
that means, sir?
Del Blaine!
Yeah, I'll be there
in a minute.
Yeah, I'd really like
some help up here, sir.
Del Blaine!
DEL:
Do you hear me, sir?
I know this is not
near as exciting
as most of your missions,
but could you humor me
with just a little
professionalism?
I would really
love some help...
What are you doing?
(grunting)
What's with the jumpy-jumpy?
Take off your headphones!
- What?
- Your headphones!
(grunting)
(panting):
Okay, Chapter Six
of the training manual.
Unarmed assailant...
frontal attack.
Begin!
Stomach, head! Stomach, head!
- (whimpers)
- (growls)
(grunting)
(yells)
God!
What's my name?!
Yeah!
(grunting)
You okay?
(grunting)
Oh! Where the hell
have you been?!
(grunts)
DEL:
Stop pushing!
Aah, my hand!
Whoa!
(high-pitched karate yell)
(grunting)
Yeah! Not bad.
Sir?!
Sir, are you okay, sir?
(both grunting)
(shrieks)
Don't let go! Don't!
No, no, no, let go!
(shrieking)
(grunting)
You're-you're-you're ripping...
my sl-sleeve! You-you...
(shrieks)
No, no. No, not, not my...
(screaming)
Sir!
My ring.
(screaming)
(metallic clang)
(gasping):
Oh, my God!
Oh, my... Oh!
This was not...
part of the plan.
(grunts)
Del Blaine?
Del...
(footsteps clattering)
(mouthing)
(beeps)
Confidence.
Del...
(light stand creaks)
(mouthing)
(clanging)
(grunting)
(hollow thud)
(groans)
(grunts)
(panting)
Nice of you, moron.
Not in the manual.
(disgusted grunt)
Creep!
(tires squealing)
(engine revving)
Del Blaine! Stop!
(shrieks)
Get off of me!
(both gasping)
Why didn't you stop?
God, what the hell
is wrong with you?!
How do you...
fall off a building
and end up... uh...
- You okay?
- (panting)
(rhythmic breathing)
Would you stop that?
JIMMY:
It's okay.
I am in the car
with a psychopath.
We are not safe.
Are you upset?
Why would I be upset?
I've always wanted
to begin and end my career
with a big fat failure!
Thank you very much, Mr. Devlin.
It's my first time.
I mean... every mission
is like my first time.
It's so difficult
being Clark Devlin.
Oh.
Sorry.
(electrical crackling)
(Blaine shrieks)
Aah!
(coughing)
I didn't do that.
What...
i-is wrong with you?!
I'm not who you think I am.
Stay away!
I'm a little over-amped
myself right now.
Let's just call it a day.
Get some rest and medication.
What?
We'll be in communication.
Oh.
(engine starts)
I don't have your phone number!
(tires screech)
C.S.A. TARGET RANGE
DEL:
Who am I kidding?
I have no idea what I'm doing
or why I'm doing it.
STEENA:
I felt the same way
when I took my first
field assignment.
Then I met Clark Devlin
and life just got
a whole lot better...
and a little more complicated.
MAN:
Let's, uh, can we get
a close... can we...?
MAN 2:
How do we pan down...
Yeah. Just hit the
second button there.
DEL:
Everybody warned me,
he was unorthodox
but he's way irrational,
bordering on nutso.
We'll just get, uh... That's it.
There, yeah. That's it, there.
Look at that.
Move it over, over just a bit.
He's getting under your skin,
isn't he?
He got under my skin once
and I'm still feeling it.
Yeah, you told me.
What about his English?
Oh, I can never understand
half of what he says
but don't you just love
his accent?
She can't hear
anything from here...?
No, I don't think... Whoa!
God, I wish I was
still back in the field.
(cocks rifle, exhales)
How do you like me now?
(bullet casings clattering)
She's got issues, man.
Holy...
Can your, uh, can your
girlfriend shoot, uh...
A groin out of a target?
STEENA:
Let's go.
Let's get our nails done.
Okay.
STEENA:
Have a nice day, boys.
WOMAN (singsongy, over P.A.):
Dr. Angelo, Dr. Angelo...
They ran out of "Get well soon."
You said to wear this,
but I don't know.
Being Clark Devlin is not easy.
(ringing)
(ringing)
Hello.
BLAINE:
So, Mr. Devlin
how are you feeling today?
Not so good, I'm afraid.
Well, you've got a few hours
to pull yourself together.
What do you mean?
After the fiasco
of planting the bug
I'd say we have
only one choice:
Level One surveillance.
In other words...
Infiltration.
Banning's going to be at
the Lanford Hotel tonight
entertaining three
of his new partners.
Chalmers has agreed to...
get us at the next table.
Is this a black-tie event?
No. But I'm sure you'll
wear whatever you want.
Maybe we can find
Walter Strider.
Meet you there at 8:00.
(muffled):
Water... strider...
What?
Water...
Mr. Clark Devlin.
(muffled):
Stri... der...
What are you doing?
- Huh?
- (groans)
Uh, he needs help.
Security! Security!
(soulful orchestral intro)
At last
My love has come along
My lonely days are over...
Del Blaine.
Hey.
I know how partial you are
to that monkey suit of yours
so I got gussied up.
Good job. You gussy very well.
Oh, and here's a little
something for you.
Hmm?
Oh.
Thank you.
Sorry, I don't have
anything for you.
It's a video camera.
Shh. Act normal.
We don't want everybody to know.
Sorry.
Good evening.
Good evening.
Uh, name, please.
Name?
Um...
Lincoln.
(chuckling)
Washington.
(chuckling)
Washington.
You're a billionaire
and you try to grease
the guy with seven bucks?
You think I have money
to throw away?
You on the list?
(sighing):
Perfect.
Let me talk to him.
No. You know what,
we'll do this my way.
I've got a T-135
disorientation module.
You just stand there.
Hi. Could you...
hold this for me?
Aw, thanks.
Now, where did I put
those tickets?
What's happening, Snowman?
What's happening?
What's happening, Snowman?
What's happening, Snowman?
Hey... what's happening?
(whispering):
Oh, hey.
I can't believe it.
James Brown.
The Godfather of Soul.
- What's happening?
- Hello.
Mr. Brown.
Forgive us for bothering you.
We came to see your show and...
Yeah, she forgot
to make reservations.
Don't worry about it.
I can get tickets
for the front row for you.
Oh, thank you very much,
Mr. Brown.
See? The things work out.
There's one more thing
I'd like to say, um...
It's not the in thing today
to give compliments
to a young lady
but I just got
to let you know that...
you got a nice rack.
Oh, thank you, Mr. Brown.
Enjoy the show.
(shouts and grunts)
- What...
- (gasps)
Is wrong with you?!
He f-fell down by himself.
You killed James Brown.
No, he's fine.
He's not fine.
And Banning is going to leave.
Don't panic.
Oh, my God. Oh, my God.
Are you... praying?
Miss Cleo told me
this would happen.
$4.99-a-minute Miss Cleo?
Just go out and tell them
Mr. Brown is not here.
There will be another act.
Nice to meet you.
ANNOUNCER:
And right about now,
it is style time!
(audience whooping)
If you will,
ladies and gentlemen
introducing the hardest-working
man in show business
ladies and gentlemen,
Mr. Dynamite...
James Brown!
(drumroll)
(cheering and whistling)
(drumroll ends)
Uh, l-ladies and gentleman...
MAN:
What's going on?!
Mr. James Brown will not be
appearing tonight...
(audience groaning)
Due to unforeseen circumstances
but stay right where you are
because the Lanford Hotel is
really proud to present
the Last Emperor of Soul.
And, um, well, here he is.
(audience jeering)
Hi.
Hi, everybody. Good evening.
(nervous laughter)
How are you tonight?!
MAN:
Go home!
(audience jeering and booing)
Who wants to get funky tonight?!
Go ahead and make it funky.
Yeah.
(band plays up-tempo
rock intro)
(in James Brown's voice):
Get up!
CHORUS:
Get on up
Get on up
Get on up, y'all
Get on up
- Get on up
- Get on up
Gonna get-get-get-get-get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get on up
Get on up
Like a sex machine
Get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Get on up
Gonna get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Stay on the scene
Get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Like a sex machine
Gonna get-get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Wait a minute!
Shake your arm,
then use your form
Stay on the scene
Like a sex machine
You got to have the feeling
Sure as you're born
Get it together
Right on, right on,
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
Right on, right on
(musical interlude)
(audience cheers)
(woman shrieks)
(applause)
(audience cheering, whistling)
(shrieks)
Oh!
Ooh.
(audience whistling)
(cheering and whistling)
(audience cheering,
music playing)
Good God!
So, you had fun up there.
(derisive groan)
I was blending;
that's what agents do.
Would you please stop?
I'd like to get to Banning's
table before morning.
Whoa! Hey, slut, thanks.
I hate celebrities
who brush off their fans.
Banning's girlfriend
has been drinking.
Okay, she might be
able to tell... Clark!
Yes.
Stop.
Get on the scene, Sex Machine.
(light applause)
MAN:
Great job, man.
Hi.
Hi. Good evening.
Hello.
Well, we're all
vaguely honored
you could join us, I suppose.
Singing is my favorite
type of music.
Oh, admirable.
BANNING:
Regrettably, this is
my vacuous fiancee.
I think her name is Cheryl
something.
Oh, charmed.
I could look at you all day.
(giggles)
Do you ever dance
unprofessionally...
Emperor?
Let's see what I can do.
(giggles)
Oh, excuse us.
Of course.
(band plays mambo)
Do you know how to mambo?
I hope so.
(beeping)
Whoo!
(giggling)
(sultry saxophone plays)
Hmm... '92 Dasani.
Gentle bouquet with a hint
of vinyl polychloride.
Earthy yet... ethereal.
Cheers.
(water splashes)
Oops.
I spilled.
JIMMY:
You and Banning seem very close.
Tell me about his work.
I don't want
to talk about him.
I want to talk about you.
You're such a handsome devil.
So are you.
When I can't sleep at night,
which is quite often
I step into my
laboratory and I play.
It's not work, you see.
It's glorious
wet... play.
Well, maybe I can
come over and play.
That would be very nice.
The thing is, I, uh...
I have a small problem...
trusting people.
I don't know if I can trust
myself with you, Deitrich.
Well, maybe we can come up
with a way for you to pro...
Her name's Del Blaine.
She's CSA.
Oh, bloody hell.
He drives a BMW,
registered to Clark Devlin.
You told me you
dealt with Devlin
with the skateboard bomb.
Yeah, well, he looks
pretty alive to me.
Pretty good dancer.
He's all over Cheryl.
You want me to do
something about that?
No.
Maybe the rancid tart
might actually be
of some use for once.
Get the boys, would you?
Whoo! I am so bushed.
I'm sorry,
you'll have to excuse me.
Unfortunate interruptus.
So, my long streak of love,
here is the key
to the hospitality suite
should you feel the need
to spend the night.
Good-bye.
Well, I think I'll just go up
to room 7-2... excuse me... 6-8
and take a long, hot bath
in room 7-2-6-8.
Good night.
Good night.
(chuckles)
And once again,
we end up with nothing.
I can get her to talk.
And say what?
(ditzy voice):
Oh, Emperor,
would you sign my bra?
Oops, I'm not wearing one.
(giggles)
What is it with you and bras?
She has information.
Oh, right, and that's why you
have to go up to her hotel room.
You have never seen my work.
This is what
Clark Devlin does best.
Can I go home?
No, you have to cover me.
With what, a shot of penicillin?
Huh?
Fine.
I'll be waiting by the pool.
Oh, wait.
What's her room number again?
(ditzy voice):
(amplified, slow motion
footsteps echoing)
("You'll Never Find Another
Love Like Mine" begins)
Yoo-hoo!
Cheryl!
CHERYL:
Hey, you little devil.
You'll never find...
What kind of bubbles
do you like?
Little...
As long as you live
...or big?!
(clattering)
Someone who loves you
Hang it for me, will you?
Tender like I do
Whoa, I'm not bragging
on myself...
So...
I know you can dance, but...
what else can you do?
Get on the bed.
I'll show you.
(giggling)
Oh!
Oh, oh, oh, oh, oh...
(beeping)
Okay, Mr. Devlin,
let's see your magic.
(Cheryl moaning erotically)
Oh, my God, your hands
are like a machine.
Oh, I am never working
with him again.
So, tell me about Deitrich's
good friend, Walter Strider.
(bones cracking)
Oh! Never heard of him...
but I know Dry Martini.
Maybe someone should mix us
a couple.
Y-O-U spells "you."
(giggles softly)
(chuckles)
Oh.
You're smart.
Really?
And a good speller.
(giggling)
Thanks. I graduated
top two-thirds
of my sixth grade class.
But I know somehow, some way...
What a gentleman.
Some way, you are...
You're gonna miss my lovin'...
Look, it's Cocktail Barbie.
Take your clothes off
and stay a while.
L-I like my clothes on.
Kinky boy.
Wh-Wh...?
Where did you
get that pin?
Oh. Deitrich.
Want to have a closer look?
Huh?
(giggling)
I'm sorry.
Look at the time. I got to go.
Oh, Emperor.
(yelling)
(shrieking)
Where are you going?
JIMMY:
What are you doing?
Oh, Emperor.
(both shrieking)
Oh, where are you going
you naughty boy?
I adore romance when it's rough.
Whoo!
(grunting)
(whirring)
(slapping)
(gasping)
(yells)
(angry grunt)
Get back here!
You're dead meat!
Come on!
(grunting)
(screaming)
(panting)
Take a bath.
Oh, yes, because I've been
a dirty, dirty girl.
(loud smooch)
(gasping)
Go fill the tub.
Do you like it with bubbles?
Hot bubbles.
(shrieking):
Oh, yippee!
Yippee!
(shrieking)
CHERYL:
Tiny bubbles in my wine...
Makes me feel fine
Come on, her voice reminds me
of my mother.
(thud)
CHERYL:
Is that room service?
(gasping)
(grunting)
(beeping)
(grunting)
(groans)
What's happening?
CHERYL:
What's going on under those
cute little boxers of yours?
(grunting)
CHERYL:
Emperor, the bubbles
are perfect.
CHERYL:
Come to mama, Emperor!
Coming!
(grunting and groaning)
Ow!
(whimpers)
DEL:
Help!
(screaming)
(whirring and beeping)
Say good night... agent!
Del Blaine. Del Blaine.
(gasping)
(man screaming)
(whirring and beeping)
Sorry.
CHERYL:
Emperor...
This is not what
I signed up for!
I need my bathroom bud.
Shh. She's in there
taking a bath.
What happened to your nose?
(yelping)
(gasping and yelping)
Sorry!
Honeymooners.
Yes, some things never change.
Emperor!
Emperor, come back!
Please!
(soft grunt)
Oh...
Go! Get going.
Ouch!
Can't you do anything?
Why are you so mad?
Gee, let me think.
Because big, ugly men
are trying to kill me?
Because I got stuck
with a millionaire playboy
dilettante for a partner?
You don't care
how you make people feel.
I happen to be
an extremely sensitive person.
Ow!
Okay, you think
you know feelings.
Look at me.
How do I feel?
Sick.
Sad.
What about now?
Constipated.
Creepy.
Horny.
(exaggerated laughter):
Is funny.
(exaggerated yelling):
Is angry.
(exaggerated scream):
Is crazy.
You know nothing.
This is why you don't have
a boyfriend.
No wonder you didn't get
anything from Banning.
Oh... right, I didn't
get anything from Banning
except where
his friggin' lab is.
Where?
Let's see if the great master
"agent" can figure it out.
Banning said he sometimes
has trouble sleeping.
Big secret.
All men have trouble sleeping.
Sometimes at night, he goes
down and works in his lab.
He sleeps in his lab?
He sleeps in his bedroom.
His lab's in his bedroom?
No.
Get your facts straight.
His lab is at his house...
his casa, where he lives...
get it?
Excellent.
You passed the test.
I put in a good word
with the boss.
Well, let's go
see Chalmers tonight.
No.
Keep him out of this.
Just you and me.
You know,
if you're so good at this
why-why don't you tell me
something about me?
Okay.
You have big crush on me
and I know your
name is Del Blaine.
First of all, you wish, and...
my real name is Delilah.
Delilah?
Suits you.
Hey...
Hmm?
(Jimmy grunting)
Ooh!
(laughing):
Oh!
(shrieking):
Oh... oh, Emperor!
JIMMY:
Hey!
Oh, God, Clark,
isn't anything sacred?
Oh, rug burns are so sexy!
It's the driver.
Oh, my God.
(Cheryl laughing)
(techno-pop dance music plays)
Thank you.
Invitations?
Oh, yes.
Why don't you offer him
five bucks?
I have them somewhere.
Birds of a feather...
Nice party, huh?
So, you're the strong,
silent type, huh?
That's the whole
bouncer package.
(whirring and beeping)
I didn't mean your package.
Thank you...
Dr. Schwartz.
Shalom.
Come, darling.
Product launch, my ass.
Let's go find
Banning's lab.
(techno dance music blaring)
Let's go.
(gate squeaking)
Are you trying to get me alone?
Where'd they go?
Don't tell me
the great Clark Devlin
can't come up with an answer.
(water splashing)
Although
he can walk on water.
It's a trick, right?
(machinery grinding)
Come on.
Wow!
Mr. Devlin likes insects, too.
What?
Oh, uh, uh, I mean
sometime I speak of myself
in the third person.
Hmm, Del Blaine
thinks you're a freak.
MAN:
Have you cleaned the tanks?
(indistinct voices)
JIMMY:
What are they doing down there?
DEL:
I don't know.
MAN:
When you're done here
you can go
and sweep the tunnels.
Don't use the blower!
I can tell the difference.
And don't touch the tequila
for me and Mr. Banning.
Whatever you say there,
Dr. Simms.
Yes, Dr. Simms.
Louder!
BOTH:
Yes, Dr. Simms.
We better hope the little
ones follow the queen.
Well, if they don't
the stock is going
to be worthless.
"Follow the queen"?
Huh? Have you seen Cheryl?
Maybe he's gay.
Cheryl? No.
WORKER:
Man, let's get out of here.
Let's go have a smoke.
It still stinks.
Hey.
How did you...?
Whatever.
JIMMY:
Look at this.
(air hissing)
He's pinpointed
the national reservoirs.
He's going to poison
the water?
Not with that stuff.
It's too detectable
and there's
government safeguards.
Let's check out the computer.
Now you're thinking.
(whirring and beeping)
Who are they?
They shouldn't be in the lab.
Let's go.
Oh, my God.
Oh, your God what?
DNA recombinant microbes
carrying a T-4 genome.
English.
Genetically induced
hydrogen-oxygen barrier.
Normal person's English.
DEL:
Dehydrating water.
Drink it,
you'll shrivel up and die
but the big question is,
how is he possibly
going to introduce it
into the water supply?
(door opening)
I think we better go.
Huh?
Go.
(typing on keyboard)
(computer beeps)
Quick, over there by the wall.
(sensor beeping)
Nobody here.
Let's check the hatchery.
(beeping continues)
DEL:
You're on my foot.
(electrical crackling)
What was that about?
Shh! Go!
How did they miss us?
What, are they blind?
Don't look up my skirt.
("Set Adrift on Memory Bliss"
playing)
Set adrift
on memory bliss of you
The camera pans
the cocktail glass
Behind a blind
of plastic plants
I found the lady
with the fat diamond ring
Then you know I can't remember a
damn thing
I think it's one...
Banning's got the bacteria
but he has to transport it
from his lab to the water.
There's no way he can.
Maybe with airplanes.
Not possible.
Besides, even if he could get it
to a reservoir undetected
an alarm would trigger
the second the surface
of the water's broken.
You're really smart.
It's an act.
I'm an inexperienced girl
who's trying to bluff
her way through.
You are?
Come on, stop humoring me.
Just be honest.
...assuming that there are
some out there...
Honest?
All right.
You think
I'm the great Clark Devlin.
(phone ringing)
...gonna say
I look lovely...
Yeah, hello?
Steena, I can't talk right now.
...I can't lie
She's just one of those corners
in my mind
And I just put her right back...
Yeah.
Yeah, I can handle it.
Bad news?
Can we go somewhere
and be... alone?
Sure.
I didn't know
you were so strong.
Take off your clothes.
Let's not do anything
we'll regret.
Take off your clothes.
What's happening?
Look, I knew
the second I met you
you weren't Clark Devlin.
Now take off the tuxedo.
It doesn't belong to you.
I wanted to tell you,
but I just didn't know how.
Take off your clothes.
(toilet flushing)
What is that?
Hey!
Whoa!
You, out here!
Okay.
Take the clothes.
Okay.
Slow down.
My name is Jimmy Tong.
I'm Mr. Devlin's driver.
He asked me to find
Walter Strider.
I don't want to hear
any more of your lies.
Now, give me the watch
and the shoes.
Now, where's Clark Devlin
and how did you think
you were going
to get away with this?
Things happened.
I decided to go with the flow.
What about the underwear?
They're mine.
L-I mean, my roommate.
Jimmy.
Suits you.
(door opens, closes)
These are my roommate's, too.
Go finish your business.
(belt buckle clanking)
(dance music blaring)
Have you seen the Emperor?
No.
Impolite to leave
without saying good-bye
to the host.
I was just looking for Deitrich.
I'll take you to him, then.
(grunting)
Like a big terrier
with a little rat.
I think she was
down in the lab.
Well, at least your interest
in water was genuine.
Look, I'm here because of you.
You wanted to know
if I could be trusted?
I bet this tux
is just your size.
Thank you.
(beeping)
(whirring and beeping)
We got a positive location
on Blaine, sir.
CHALMERS (over headset):
How long till we get to her?
I've transmitted
the coordinates.
JIMMY:
Dear Mr. Devlin
I did the best I could,
but it wasn't good enough.
I did not find Walter Strider
for you.
I also lost your tuxedo.
I'm sure you will get it back.
I guess I will go back to being
what I was before I met you.
Oh!
Water Strider.
Water strider.
Water strider!
Stupid!
BANNING:
My beautiful little darlings.
DEL:
Gerris maginatus.
Species native
to Southeast Asia.
Commonly known
as the water strider.
(quietly):
Walter Strider.
Yes, the water strider.
Very good. Very good.
Well, it's brilliant.
They touch down
on the reservoirs.
Their little feet transfer
a deadly bacteria
without breaking
the surface of the water
so no alarms sound,
and it looks like
a nasty little trick of nature.
Fortunately
there is one drinkable
water source.
(gasps)
Yours.
(giggles maniacally)
Deitrich,
you're a genius.
Too bad it won't work.
Oh... you so wrong.
Wrong! Wrong! Wrong.
It will work because
my plan is perfect.
Sorry, Mr. Banning,
it's your plan... and mine.
Um... it's ours.
Shut up. Explain.
Oh, all righty.
The life cycle
of the Gerris maginatus
begins with mating...
something Dr. Simms
is not personally familiar with.
Anyhoo, the insects swarm
to freshwater
where fertilized eggs are then
deposited on the underside
of lotus leaves
and hatch into larvae.
Spare me
the Discovery Channel blather.
(chuckles)
Tell me why it won't work.
Yes, tell us.
Why it won't work?
This is the northern
hemisphere, correct?
You incubated insects native
to the southern hemisphere.
So, simply, it is too cold
for them to mature sexually...
much like Simms here.
Therefore...
they won't mate.
Therefore,
they won't seek out water.
Is this true?
No, I knew a girl once,
in college, quite well.
Very well.
And then you remember
cousin Doris?
No, Simms, the bugs.
The bugs.
Oh, you're not going
to believe this hootchie
are you, Mr. Banning?
Oh, yeah?
Ask him if I lied
about the tuxedo.
This tuxedo is...
it's all right. It's...
"All right"?
That is the most incredible
piece of technology
on the planet.
And I am laying it
in your big, hot hands.
Mr. Banning, release the bugs.
Go ahead.
Do what he tells you.
You might have a chance
at second prize
at a junior high school
science fair
but you can forget your dreams
of world domination.
Slip into it, Deitrich.
See how it feels.
DEVLIN:
The other ten percent's
in there.
You've got plenty of it.
Hey, Dr. Schwartz.
Tell your boss
Clark Devlin is back.
(guns cocking)
(electronic crackling)
Drapes nicely.
(beeping)
Well, it certainly puts
a spring in one's step.
Happy to have lightened
your loafers, Deitrich.
One question.
Why are you doing this?
(alarms blaring)
Hey, what the hell is this?
This is the moment where
take you,
your pretentious accent
your jackass sideburns
to the Federal pen where,
guess what?
All they serve is highly
chlorinated tap water.
Presenting Clark Devlin.
(grunts)
Have I told you how amazing
you look in this tuxedo?
(groans)
Simms, prepare for release.
With pleasure, sir.
COMPUTER VOICE:
Hatchery doors opening.
Water sources targeted.
Pods will begin releasing
striders in five minutes.
(sticky squishing)
(beeping)
Maturation level: 85o/o.
(groans)
Why are you here?
I've come to save you.
That's great.
What about the big guys
with the big guns?
(gasps)
(grunts)
For years, I've heard about you.
Now we finally meet, I find
that the great Clark Devlin
is nothing more
than an ordinary man
who's about to die
an extraordinary death.
You're right
except for one thing.
My name's Tong.
James Tong.
(grunting)
(yells)
(muffled yells)
You okay?
Uh, Jimmy, is there
something you want to tell me?
Later.
(electrical rumbling)
Oh, you've got
a good suit as well.
(theme plays)
(grunts)
(yells)
All right!
Let go!
(grunts)
(yells)
(yells)
(yells)
(blows)
(grunting)
(electrical rumbling)
COMPUTER:
X-4 genome bacteria-induced
water striders: 100o/o mature.
Bacteria drop sites identified.
Pods now opening.
What are you doing?! No! No!
She's ruining everything.
Electrical malfunction.
Hatchery door is disengaged.
Ah, I knew girls like you
in high school.
Yeah? Did they do this?
Uh-huh, they did.
SIMMS:
Mr. Banning, you must
open the hatch manually.
Sod off.
COMPUTER:
Manual hatch release required.
Manual hatch release required.
(grunting)
COMPUTER:
Rotate valve counterclockwise
to open hatch.
(grunting)
(Banning yells)
(grunts)
Get off.
Bloody open!
COMPUTER:
Manual procedure complete.
Hatchery doors opening.
(macho grunt)
COMPUTER:
Airborne striders
awaiting queen release.
(grunts)
(techno music playing)
Hatchery doors opening.
Clark!
I mean, Jimmy, help me!
I'm busy.
(yells)
All mature striders
ready for release.
Bacteria-laced microbes
fully activated.
(grunts and groans)
(gagging)
His head's about to explode.
Look at him.
Look at him!
You might know a few tricks
but you're just
a sad, pathetic man.
(gagging)
(puffing)
(yells)
(sizzling)
Smoking is bad for your health.
You okay?
Yeah, duh.
By the way, nice going.
Now millions of people are going
to die of dehydration.
You left the hatch open.
(bugs buzzing)
They're not flying away.
DEL:
Yeah, what are they waiting for?
They are waiting...
to follow the queen.
COMPUTER:
Airborne striders
awaiting queen release.
DEL:
Oh, my God.
For once, you're right.
The queen is going
to lead the striders
to freshwater sites
all over North America.
Quick, grab it
before it's released.
Queen strider disengaged.
Alert!
Queen strider disengaged.
(alarm blaring)
Let's go.
MAN:
He's got the queen!
(screaming)
(grunts and groans)
Wait!
You dropped it.
(wings whirring)
(buzzing)
(buzzing)
(whimpers)
(squeaky chittering)
(squeals)
Don't move!
(gasps)
(squeals)
(moans and squeals)
(grunts)
(giggling)
Oh!
(electronic rumble)
(loud buzzing)
Ow.
(bones cracking)
(yelling)
(yelling continues)
(yelling)
(gagging)
(water striders buzzing)
(gagging)
DEL:
Sir, excuse me,
I deserve to see this.
Ugh.
(alarms blaring)
Trouble.
(alarm continues)
Okay, okay, make hustle, ladies.
Let's go. Let's go.
Watch out, Aqua-Lung.
Hey, pal, nice suit.
It's okay, kitten.
Everything's going
to be all right.
It is not okay.
You just decked the hero.
L-I'm a genius and I can testify
for a piece of immunity.
Also, I'm from
a neutral country...
Shut it.
Well, looks like we
got here just in time.
Oh, to what? Take credit?
Oh, you're hilarious, Blaine.
Winton Chalmers, CSA.
I spearheaded the operation
that took down Deitrich Banning.
I bet you're Jimmy Tong.
Here's your tuxedo.
You happy now?
Well, I will be when I get it
safely back to headquarters.
By the way, Blaine,
not a bad job
for your first time
in the field.
Well, I didn't do it alone.
She always says
nice things about me.
When you finally
do something right,
you deserve the credit.
Well, sir
it's an honor to help
the United States of America.
I feel exactly
the same way, soldier.
You don't think you're going
to be able to get away
with a bureaucratic pat
on the butt, do you?
Well, I'm hoping to.
(agents laughing)
(grunts)
Ooh, man down, people.
Well... there is one thing
you can do for me.
And that would be?
STEENA:
All right, tracking
systems locked on.
Anybody screws up
and your ass is mine.
Block off this end
of the street.
AGENT:
Roger that.
All right, we're at
T minus 30 and counting.
Is everyone in position?
AGENT:
Manhole agent up.
Flower lady, hot dog vendor, go.
Replace the hot dog vendor.
Come on, hustle.
Let's go.
AGENT:
This is Bird Three,
the street is secure.
Uh-oh, bike messenger.
Hostile forces moving in.
Go on, Randall, take him out.
AGENT:
Roger. T-14 descending.
AGENT:
Advance the lead
operation vehicle.
Bring in the package
as soon as I cross.
AGENT:
Roger that.
Hustle, people.
The package is on the move.
All right, ladies and gentlemen,
it's show time.
How's our package?
I forget what to say.
But you can do this.
Focus. Go.
Huh?
Go.
AGENT:
Package dropped.
AGENT 2:
Roger. Target locked.
Jimmy, what do you say?
The name's Tong. James Tong.
I'm the man. I'm the man.
STEENA:
Del, did you tell him
to say that?
DEL:
No. Well, sort of.
Oh, God.
DEVLIN:
Come on, ladies, relax.
He's just pumping out
pheromones.
Clark, shut up.
I do believe I'm in charge
of this operation.
Package is locked on target.
Why did you wear those pants?
AGENT:
He's stopping.
- What's he stopping for?
- Why is he stopping?
DEVLIN:
Use the door, Jimmy.
AGENT:
He's really
breathing heavy now.
AGENT 2:
Have you seen her?
He's out of his league,
if you know what I mean.
Shh!
- He's like a hunter.
- It's the gallery owner.
Randall, quiet.
Nice.
Clark, please,
would you focus?
He's about to speak.
Open your mouth.
Hi.
- He said, "Hi."
- Hi.
That's the girl?
AGENT:
He came up with that on his own.
She's not that pretty.
STEENA:
Jimmy, smile, come on.
DEVLIN:
Move on to something else...
quick.
He doesn't look so good.
He doesn't look so good.
He doesn't look so good.
- Jimmy? Jimmy?
- He doesn't look so good.
Clark, give him a line.
Steena, shut up.
- Just look deep into her eyes...
- Clark, no.
That crap doesn't work...
Looks like
he's hyperventilating.
If I remember rightly,
it worked...
Don't listen to them.
Listen to me.
I can't think with you
screaming in my ear.
Everybody calm down, all right?
Not you, her.
No, no, her, her.
Look deep into her eyes...
DEL:
It's me.
...and tell her you had a dream
about her last night.
Clark, be quiet.
Del, will you shut up?
- Uh...
- (agents talking)
DEVLIN:
I hate to say this, Jimmy
but don't take advice
from women about women.
DEL:
Shut up.
STEENA:
Clark, you've been reassigned.
The voices are screaming
in my ear.
DEL:
Hey, if you can hear me
wipe that look off your face.
Remember me?
Hooters.
(agents groan)
Soul patch.
Okay, I'm going to have
to ask you to leave.
I'm the love of my life...
DEVLIN:
No, no! No, no!
You're the love of my life.
No, you never tell them
you love them, Jimmy.
Can you have... dinner with me?
Get out.
Pretty sure he craps
his pants, people.
I just want to have dinner.
Get out now.
- Lunch?
- Now!
Oh!
STEENA:
All right, we're
terminating this mission.
Pack it up and roll home.
I think I blew it, Mr. Devlin.
Jimmy, I wrote the book
on this stuff.
Trust me, you didn't blow it.
You outgrew her.
Maybe.
Tell you what.
Take the weekend off.
First thing Monday morning
we'll head for somewhere with
more interesting prospects.
How about Monte Carlo?
Sounds good.
Thanks, Mr. Devlin.
Thanks, everybody.
AGENT:
It's okay, Jimmy.
AGENT 2:
Hang in there.
AGENT 3:
Next time.
Well, if you were trying
to get her to notice you
mission accomplished.
What are you planning
for the second date?
Running at her with a knife?
It's difficult for me.
What is so hard?
You just have to say
something like...
"Excuse me, you want
to go get some coffee?"
When I around beautiful
women, I can't talk.
Sure. Beautiful women.
You know, a real knockout.
Like the beautiful lady
in the gallery.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
What's wrong?
Nothing.
What?
You can't tell how I feel?
You look sad.
No.
Sick?
No.
Constipated?
No.
A little.
Tell me, what's wrong?
It's just no guy would ever
do anything for me
like what you did for her.
Or tried to do.
You know why?
Because you are
a pain in the butt.
Yeah, nice working
with you, too.
Hello.
Delilah, excuse me.
You want to have a coffee?
I only drink organic green tea.
(imitates buzzer)
Wrong answer.
You're never going
to have a boyfriend.
Fine.
Coffee. I love coffee.
You learn quick.
Is that your happy face
or your horny face?
I tell you later.
One, two, three, four
(James Brown's "Get Up"
begins)
Get up
Getty-get, get-get-get get on up
Get on up
Get up now
Getty-get, get-get-get...
James. James...
Tong...
(giggling)
Get-get-get get on up...
Cut.
Get up now
Getty-get, get-get-get on up
Oh...
Couldn't tell you
what I'm about to say.
(grunting)
Purse!
(crew laughs)
Cut.
I'm sorry.
Huh?
(laughing)
The bird hit the guy.
Huh?
WOMAN:
Is this a bunch of crap.
Is this a bunch crap?
Bunch of crap.
Okay.
You think I'm speak
very good English, huh?
What's in your head,
flies out your mouth.
What's in your head,
fly from your mouth.
What's in your mouth...
That's okay. Cut.
No wonder.
This is why
you don't have a boyfriend.
That's...
(laughter)
That's... thought...
Frog?
Fraud.
(giggling)
Look at...
Look at her ugly face.
Every time I look...
Every time, she just like this.
How can I act?
- Can we do a single on me?
- No.
Action!
Aah...
No, no, no.
Cut! Cut!
(grunting)
Let's follow 'em.
They'll take us to the lab.
Who?
(giggling)
Let's...
(laughing)
Cut.
I got the happy partner
over here.
Jimmy.
What do you...?
(laughing)
(crew laughing)
She smile the whole movie.
Waste of film, waste of time.
What is she doing?
Hit me!
Oh, no!
You're fast.
But I'm faster.
Good God!
(espionage-flavored
techno-pop theme playing)
DREAMWORKS PICTURES
Captioned by
access. Wgbh. Org