Ugly Truth, The (2009) Movie Script

You change your mind
Like a girl changes clothes
Yeah, you PMS
Like a bitch
I would know
And you over-think
Always speak cryptically
I should know
That you're
no good for me
'Cause you're hot
Then you're cold
You're yes
Then you're no
You're in
Then you're out
You're up
Then you're down
You're wrong
When it's right
It's black
And it's white
We fight, we break up
We kiss, we make up
Are you alert?
Okay, well tell them...
But you don't really
Want to go
You're yes
Then you're no
You're in
Then you're out
I'll be there in about
Okay, thanks. Bye.
We used to be
Just like twins
So in synch
- Morning, Freddy.
- [FREDDY]: Morning, Abby.
- You look awfully pretty today.
- Oh, is it that bad in there?
- Good morning. We got problems.
- Morning.
There are no problems, Joy,
only solutions.
The traffic camera is down
and we have no B-roll
for our traffic segment.
- That is a problem.
- Yeah.
Call Matt at Media Lab.
He's got some Skycams
and he owes me.
- Where are all my weathermen?
- Right here.
- [MAN]: Hey.
- Hello.
Thank you all for coming.
You guys look great.
Thanks for being here. Good.
Is there a reason
they're all overweight?
If they get
the forecast wrong,
research shows people
are more willing
to forgive a fat guy.
Abby, I hate to do this to you,
but I don't think that
I can work with her anymore.
It's bad enough I have
to take her criticism at home.
I'm not gonna
do it on the air.
- A man can only endure so much.
- Larry, you are not a man,
you are a newsman.
And newsmen are not defined
by the easy times,
they're defined
by the hard times.
Can you imagine
Ted Koppel or Tom Brokaw
working with their
wives as co-anchors? No.
Because they
couldn't handle it.
But you.
You, my friend,
have balls the size
of Volkswagens.
Don't think
I haven't noticed.
I only thought of them
as blue of late.
But you're right.
They're quite sizeable.
But not disproportionately
I like to think of them
as aesthetically pleasing.
Yeah, I think
I made my point.
- Are you kidding me right now?
- Josh, nobody in Sacramento
gives a crap about
the extinction rate
of the Brazilian slug worm.
It's not newsworthy.
All right. But knowing which
celebutante is in rehab
is of vital importance?
You know, the sound
of your voice makes...
Okay. He is trying to kill me.
- He knows I can't eat crab.
- It's Crab Rangoon.
Who doesn't eat Crab Rangoon?
Oh, my God. Does anybody
see this? Is that a hive?
Looks like syphilis to me.
[DORI]: You wouldn't know
what syphilis looks like
if it weren't for my story
on hot celebrity STDs.
- [MAN]: Stand by to go to three.
- [ROCCO]: Yeah, so some...
Cacciatore gets mushrooms,
garlic. Exactly.
- Yeah. Put the mushrooms in.
- [GEORGIA]: All right.
[ROCCO]: And whatever amount
of garlic you want.
- [LARRY]: Really?
- [ROCCO]: Can't have enough garlic.
You can.
LARRY: I certainly can.
Do it every night.
[ROCCO]: I got a nice,
big spoon for you.
Excellent. Thanks.
- Here you go.
- Mm.
- Mm!
- That good?
I have to say, Rocco,
this is the best chicken
cacciatore I've ever tasted.
I knew you'd like it.
It's duck cacciatore, actually.
- [CLIFF]: Oh, no.
- Did he just say "duck"?
And it's a great
alternative to chicken.
It kind of tastes
just like chicken, right?
- Mm-hm.
- Duck, like "quack, quack" duck?
Get ready to an early break.
- Whoa, duck.
- Yeah.
Man, we're a
chicken household.
We really are.
Tell Larry to throw it to Javier
while she pulls it together.
Or is it okay?
It's good.
Javier, do you like it?
Can I take home
the leftovers?
You sure you don't want
any leftovers?
When we return,
- our Skycam traffic update.
- Okay.
And guess who's
in rehab this week.
CLIFF: Stand by to roll break.
Also, how you too can adopt
your very own slug worm,
when we come back.
Roll your break.
ROCCO: How about salt?
Salt make it better?
I don't know how you do it.
It's just a matter of looking
chaos right in the eye
and telling it to eff off.
You guys did great.
Thank you.
I think it's time for a new chef
on this show. I do.
Now, come on.
Rocco's been with us...
- Abby?
- It's this upsetting?
Hey, Stuart wants to see you.
He's freaking out.
Oh, he got the ratings.
- Want some?
- Yeah, give me that.
Have you seen the ratings
from yesterday?
We got beat by all
the network shows,
including a rerun of
Who's the Boss?
The one where
the vacuum breaks.
It's just a temporary setback,
Things will be better
You know that guy
with the cable-access show
on Channel 83 does better.
If we program
Jerry Springer reruns,
we'd do a nine-share
at a quarter of the price.
Please don't tell me
you're thinking
of killing the show.
We're not a family-run station
anymore, Abby.
I mean, I love you.
You're great at what you do.
But you gotta
get me some numbers.
I got two daughters in college
and a son in beauty school.
I don't know how much
you know about Vidal Sassoon,
but that shit ain't cheap.
I can rally. I will rally.
You do rally.
Every day, Abby.
But that's
what worries me.
That even you
won't be enough.
I should not be letting
corporate management
dictate the content
of this show. It's my show.
I control it.
I should skip the date tonight.
Stay home,
think up some ideas for sweeps.
Absolutely not, Abby.
You should be out there
observing humanity.
Humanity is who watches
our show.
All 2.47 percent of them.
You have rescheduled
on this guy three times.
You cancel on him tonight
and he's gone.
Look at this bone structure.
This could be the bone structure
of your future children.
Don't you want them
to be symmetrical?
You printed out his profile?
What? These have
not been touched
in quite some time.
I have to live vicariously
through your dating life.
And I really think that this
could be our next boyfriend.
- Hi.
- Hello.
I'm looking for a guy
with sandy brown hair,
athletic build, blue eyes.
He's 5'9".
Which I know you're thinking
is a little short,
but he's read
The Great Gatsby twice...
Well, technically
I'm 5'8" and a half,
but I could read
The Great Gatsby
again if it makes
it any better.
[WAITER]: Hi. Can I get some water
for the table?
Uh, yeah, a bottle
of flat water, please?
- Sure.
- Thank you.
Um, just one second.
I'm sorry.
Did you know they've done
studies that show
tap water and bottled water
are basically the same thing.
And they recently passed
a law where restaurants
have to filter their tap water,
so it's not really tap water,
it's filtered water,
which is the same
except you don't have to pay
$7 for it. Right?
I like the way
it tastes better anyway.
Can I get a Scotch on the rocks,
please? Thank you.
Oh, yeah.
Huh. I thought, uh...
I thought in your profile
it said you, uh...
You like to drink red wine.
You printed out my profile?
my associate producer did.
She doesn't like me
to not be prepared.
Not that I'm ever not prepared.
Kudos, by the way,
on your comprehensive
car insurance plan.
That wasn't in my profile.
No, but it's in your
background check.
So, ahem,
tell me about yourself.
Well, what's
left to talk about
that you don't already know,
Ah. Good point.
All right,
well, you know,
I actually took the liberty
of printing out
some talking points
in case this happened.
I take it this
has happened before?
No. No. But you have
nine out of 10
of the necessary attributes
on my checklist.
Oh, dear God. Okay.
Oh, this is a good one.
Let's start with three, okay?
Don't ask.
More on this story
when we come back.
We'll hear from a zoo official
now forced to take...
[MAN]: And we're back with
The Ugly Truth,
where tonight
we're gonna be talking about
what it is men and women
really want in relationships.
I've been looking through
some books.
Smart Women,
Foolish Choices. Ehh!
Men Who Love Women
Who Hate Them. Ehh!
And Women Hating Men
Who Loved Women
Who Hate Loving Men. Huh?
Billions and billions wasted
on psychobabble bullshit.
Now, listen up, ladies, because
I'm only gonna say this once
and it is just
three little words.
Men are simple.
We cannot be trained.
All this
"Men are from Venus" crap
is a waste of your time
and money.
You wanna be a lonely hag,
then that's fine,
keep reading
these stupid books.
But you want a relationship,
then here's how you get one:
It's called a Stairmaster.
Get on it, and get skinny,
and get some trashy lingerie
while you're at it,
because at the end of the day,
all we're interested
in is looks.
And no one falls in love
with your personality
at first sight.
We fall in love
with your tits and your ass,
and we stick around because
of what you're willing
to do with them.
So you wanna win a man over,
you don't need 10 steps,
you need one,
and it's called a blowjob.
And don't forget to...
Okay? Now, let's
take the first caller.
How dare you burn those books.
They've helped my personal life
more than I can say.
What's your boyfriend's name,
[WOMAN]: Well,
I'm not seeing anyone right now.
My point exactly, Shrek.
Next caller.
You're on the air.
So you're saying that men
are incapable of love?
Oh, did I burst your little
harlequin romance bubble?
What? Come on.
The only thing you burst
is your credibility.
Men are completely capable
of experiencing love.
Okay, I'll bite.
Go on. Who's the guy?
- What?
- The guy. Mr. Wonderful.
The one who's
so capable of love.
Who is he? What's he like?
He's smart, he's handsome
but he doesn't know it.
He's successful, but in a job
that means something.
He loves red wine, picnics,
classical music.
Mm, this is a guy
in America, right?
I mean, you're not calling
from Europe or something?
He loves dogs,
but he's more of a cat person.
He never gets up before you
on a Sunday morning.
Wait a second, I get it.
You're a lesbian.
- What?
- Well, you must be.
I mean, you just described
the perfect woman.
Why are you so threatened
by these qualities?
Is it perhaps because you don't
possess a single one of them
and that is the real reason
why women aren't
interested in you? Hm?
Okay. Okay, I'll give you
to go get this guy
and bring him down here
and let me meet him.
Well, he's out there,
Wait a second.
You're not even
dating this guy?
No, I'm describing a type.
I thought that's
what we were doing.
Ha-ha-ha! What?
You don't even know him?
Oh, whoa, okay,
now I get the picture.
Hold on. Oh, you're a dog.
Well, you must be.
Come on, you heard me.
I mean, if you were...
If you were hot,
you would be out
breaking some poor
schmuck's heart
instead of spending
all your time fantasizing
about Mr. Wonderful.
Face it, you're ugly.
I am not ugly.
Well, okay,
let me help you out here.
You might as well face the fact
that you're gonna be alone,
and stop pining away
for some fantasy guy
you're never gonna get.
- How can you possibly...?
- Hey, Lassie.
The show's called
The Ugly Truth.
If you can't face it,
don't call.
That about
wraps it up for this evening.
I'm Mike Chadway reminding you
that the truth is never pretty.
How'd the date go?
Well, I was very pleased
with the choice of restaurant.
- That is so awesome.
- Why?
Good morning, everyone.
Now, before I play you this,
I should warn you,
this guy's a little rough
around the edges.
Face it, you're ugly.
I am not ugly.
- [MIKE]: Well...
- Why are we watching this?
Say hello to
our new guest commentator.
I'm starting him off at
two segments a week,
three minutes a pop.
- Are you kidding me?
- Who the hell is this guy?
- Name's Mike Chadway.
- [ABBY]: He's an uber-moron
misogynist who represents
everything that is wrong
with television and society.
I get crap every time
I suggest we do something
even remotely fluffy.
Oh, come on.
He's got a point of view.
We don't have to like it.
I mean, we're newspeople.
We're objective.
Stone Phillips interviews
Doesn't mean he likes them,
he does it for the ratings.
I have a whole list of ideas
to improve ratings.
You're gonna like it.
We don't need him.
- We don't need him.
- Not at all.
"An intimate profile
of the mayor".
- Yes.
- [GEORGIA]: I like that.
- I like the mayor.
- Fantastic.
The mayor?
Yes. It can be edgy
and yet intriguing.
Unless you can get him to bang
three crack whores
and a German shepherd
on live TV,
no one's gonna give a shit.
Oh, I'm sorry.
I was eavesdropping
out in the hall.
What did I tell you?
Isn't this guy great?
Oh, thanks, boss.
You already hired him?
Who's this
delightful creature?
I'm your producer.
Oh. Hey.
I like a woman on top.
Ugh. God.
- Nice office.
- Ha-ha! He's just kidding.
- Oh, yeah.
- Excuse me.
- Hey, Mike, you see your office?
- No, I didn't.
- Come on. Let me show you.
- Beautiful.
Everybody take five.
I'll be right back.
Were you all not there
last year...
for our
sexual-harassment meeting?
- Yes. Were you not there, Larry?
- He needs to go.
He wasn't
sexually harassing me.
I am an award-winning
news producer.
I am an award-winning
news producer.
I am an award-winning
news producer.
I am an awa...
You're an award-winning
news producer.
You don't knock?
Well, I did knock.
You didn't answer.
So essentially,
your knock was negated
by your complete
lack of adherence
to the social etiquette
that follows a knock.
You're wound like a fucking top.
Woof, woof.
Remember the bark?
Last night, a little
phone conversation we had.
Yeah. Hey, what do you know?
You're not ugly at all.
Oh, well,
imagine my relief.
I want to thank you
for getting me this gig.
I would never have gotten it
without you.
You and I, we make good TV.
You make imbecilic trash
watched by housebound
inbreds who are so busy
with their hands
down their pants,
they can't change the remote.
I hadn't been picturing you
that way, but it's a nice image.
I do not watch
your program.
My cat stepped
on the remote.
Oh, you want to thank
your pussy for me, then?
Larry, Georgia, listen to me.
I want you to skewer him.
I want Mike Chadway
to go down in flames.
I want Mike Chadway to be
nothing but a pile of ash
on the seat next to you.
I want the janitor to come in
and vacuum up the ashes
of Mike Chadway
with his Dustbuster
and when he dumps it
in the Dumpster outside,
I want the rats to vomit
and defecate
on the ashes of Mike Chadway.
Wow. And I thought
you were angry and bitter.
Uh, no, Larry, that would be
my untouched vagina.
- [MAN]: Chadway?
- What?
Twenty seconds to air.
About ready? Larry?
There's a bird
in my dressing room.
I'll take care of it.
- A real bird?
- Yeah. It's flying around.
Why is there a bird
in his dressing room?
I don't know
what type of bird it is.
Security here is awful.
You guys have really got
to keep the doors closed.
Four, three...
Good morning, everyone,
I'm Larry Freeman.
Another beautiful day
in Sacramento.
And I'm sitting here
with a beautiful woman.
- [CLIFF]: Go, 1.
- [STUART]: All right, here we go.
Thank you, Larry.
Hi. I'm Georgia Bordeney.
Ready for the single on Georgia.
For years,
there have been concerns
about lowering
television standards.
But many believe that this man
and his local
public-access show
have brought things
to a new low.
With that,
we welcome Mike Chadway.
How you doing, guys?
Mike, how do you respond
to people
who say your show is offensive?
Well, it is.
But then again, so is the truth.
Ha. The truth about what,
Mr. Chadway?
What relationships
are really like.
Take marriage, for instance.
It's about social pressure,
status and sex.
If it weren't for these
three things,
men and women
wouldn't even speak.
Oh, dear. Sounds to me
like no one's ever loved you,
and you're taking that out
on the female population.
Good one.
It's like Crossfire.
That was a good one.
While we're making
these observations, Georgia,
you two project this image
of the perfect couple,
when clearly it's a lie.
Excuse me?
Holy shit.
Oh. Break for commercial.
No, no, no.
Stuart said keep rolling
no matter what.
What? When? This is my show.
Not right now, it isn't.
Come on, Larry.
I watched your show for years.
You used to be this cool,
confident cat.
What the hell
happened to you?
And you, Georgia. I mean,
this one's no dumb bunny.
She knew the only way she was
getting off the weekend shift
was by hooking up
with you.
Then, lo and behold, she became
more popular than you did.
Ended up with twice
your salary.
Come on, Larry, take him down.
Hold on, pal. I am very proud
of my wife's success.
[MIKE]: Mm, baloney, you are.
You hate her success.
You feel emasculated by her.
And that screws with your head.
Which, in turn,
screws with your manhood.
What's your point, Mr. Chadway?
- Yes, Georgia, take control.
- [MIKE]: My point, Georgia...
My point is
that your husband
hasn't had
sex with you in...
I'm gonna say,
what, three months?
- Chadway, that is not my fault.
- I know.
- I mean, come on.
- I know, I know. It's her fault.
Why is it my fault?
What am I supposed to do?
Say no to the money
so he can get an erection?
She said "erection"
on network TV.
The other networks do it.
No big deal.
- They're talking about erections.
- Be quiet!
They say "erection"
on Sesame Street.
- I agree.
- Thank you.
You've economically
emasculated your husband
to such a point
that he's afraid to want you.
- Ugh.
- I mean, sure,
you could dump his ass, but,
have you seen the eligible men
in Sacramento? Oh, God.
It's slim pickings for a woman
in her 40s, I can tell you.
Oh, God.
[CLIFF]: Hold that shot
with Georgia and Mike.
He just talked about her age.
- She's gonna kill me.
- Well.
I mean, you ain't gonna do
any better than Larry.
- You just have to let him be a man.
- Hm?
- Let him be a man, Georgia.
- I let him be a man.
You have to let me be a man.
I have tried to let you
be a man.
- Let him be a man.
- You have to let me be a man.
Simple as that. Now, you,
Frowny McFlaccid, come on.
Oh, God.
[CLIFF]: Ready for a three-shot.
Zoom In.
- I'm not frowny.
- Yes, you are.
Move in here and give
this beautiful woman a kiss.
Oh, God.
This is ridiculous.
- That mean what I think it means?
- [MIKE]: Yes, it does. Kiss her.
No, no, no.
They're not gonna...
Give it to her,
right in front of me.
- And in front of them.
- Let me...
Goddamn it, Georgia,
let me be a man!
- No!
- Oh! Zoom in on that, 2. Zoom in.
America doesn't wanna see this!
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
Get ready to roll to break.
Ready to roll...
Oh, you are a man.
He is a man. Break.
Cut to commercial!
Cut to commercial!
That was great!
Wasn't that great?
I told you
that guy was great.
Good job,
everybody. Wow!
Found her.
over 300 e-mails, 53 percent
of them were women.
This guy's
a lightning rod.
They liked him?
Liked him?
They loved him.
- How is that possible?
- [STUART]: I don't know.
But I am
scaling back the news
and giving it
to The Ugly Truth.
Stuart, I really think
this is a mistake.
What do we even
know about this guy?
Who is he, really?
Moved here when he was 10,
pitched two consecutive
Little League Championships.
Voted "Most Likely
to Get Slapped"
in his senior yearbook.
Three years at San Jos State.
Salesman of the Year at
Dobson Medical Supplies in '04.
Once arrested for urinating
out of a moving vehicle.
That is actually
incredibly challenging.
Tell me about it.
Never been married,
hates asparagus.
Look, let's just keep a smile
on this guy's face,
and we'll both get
our contracts renewed.
Mike. Hi, it's Lauren.
I'm having a party on Saturday
and you know what happens
when I drink tequila.
[WOMAN 2]: It's me, Nikki.
Why haven't you called me? I miss you.
- I can't stop...
- [BOY]: Hey.
thinking about your huge...
Who's that?
Rubbing all over my...
- Dripping wet...
- How was...?
How was school?
- Well, you totally hosed me.
- What?
Last week on your show,
you said,
"Always be mean to hot girls
because they'll want you more".
Well, I tried it on Shauna.
She cried,
and then I got detention.
First of all, don't listen
to what I say on my show.
Second of all, you're supposed
to do that to 25-year-old girls
who think they're hot and
can get any guy they want,
not 14-year-old girls.
They're going through puberty.
They got enough problems.
Mom said when she was 14,
she was the prettiest girl
in class.
Well, I was there when
she was 14,
and let me tell you something.
She lied.
Don't listen to your Uncle Mike.
He was blind from touching
himself inappropriately.
Ha. That's a nice thing
to tell your son.
Like he hasn't heard worse
on your show.
Let's hope you can clean it up
now that you're on a network.
D'Artagnan, no, you didn't!
No, D'Artagnan, you get
back here. Get back here.
No, do not... No, no, no.
All right.
I'll just come up.
I'm really not that flexible,
D'Artagnan. I'm coming.
I got you, hold on.
Hold on. Come here, baby.
No, no. No, no. Come on.
Come here, D'Artagnan.
Good boy.
Oh, good boy. Okay.
Okay. You're gonna be okay.
Oh. I hope we can get down.
Oh, my.
Oh, my.
My, my.
He flosses.
Oh, my God!
Oh, my God.
Somebody help me!
Somebody help me!
I'm stuck in a tree!
Help me! Anybody!
- I'm stuck in a tree! I'm stuck!
- Stay, stay calm.
- You're gonna be fine.
- Get me down! Get me down!
Sorry. Oh, my God.
So you just moved in.
That's great.
I'm Abby, by the way.
Your neighbor
from across the way.
So you're a doctor? Wow.
An orthopedic surgeon.
Yeah, I do a lotta
leg and hip stuff,
but I do get
the occasional foot.
Your ankle seems to be fine.
Just a mild sprain,
so this should help.
Great. Thank you.
I guess I'm pretty lucky
my cat chose the tree
outside your window to climb.
Well, I'm here
whenever you need me.
Look, I'm gonna put
my home number
on the back
of my business card.
If your ankle starts giving you
any problems,
just give me a call.
- Great. Thanks.
Oh, wow, that's so weird.
He doesn't usually like men.
Well, you know,
dogs are great, but, uh...
I'm a cat person.
Well, I guess
I'll get going, then.
Yeah. Ha-ha.
- Thanks again for saving my life.
- Anytime.
- Okay. Bye.
- Okay. Bye.
- You forgot your cat.
- Right.
I had a spider on me. Ugh.
- Yeah.
- It's gone now, though. Good.
- All right, okay.
- Bye.
- Thanks again.
- Good night.
You are not gonna believe
how perfect he is.
- Symmetrical?
- Oh, you have no idea.
- Oh, good Lord.
- Yeah.
Well, how did you leave it?
I mean, did he ask
for your number?
No, but he gave me his.
So what do I do?
Should I call him?
If I call do call him,
what should I say?
- Okay. Take a breath.
- Uh-huh.
And please, sweetheart,
- No tap water.
- No tap water.
Don't bring it up.
You've got naughty eyes.
- Anyone ever tell you that?
- I have naughty everything.
Hold that thought.
[MIKE]: No, hey,
you won't get in trouble.
Down a bit. Down a bit.
Bye, Karen.
Keep it clean, moving,
stick to the script.
You are on a live
affiliate news program.
You do not have the luxury
of using the words
"blow" and "job"
in the same sentence.
If you say anything
you will be fired.
- Oh, really?
- Yes.
Because I kind of thought
that you were the one
that was gonna get fired
if you don't keep me happy.
Yes. I've got a list of demands
that I would like to make
after the show,
and let me just warn you,
they're gonna be
Ow. Ah.
You know, just because
you look pretty today,
I won't mention the misguided
phallic rage you just displayed.
When you hear my voice,
just do what I say.
Promise you'll talk dirty?
[LARRY]: Good morning,
Sacramento. I'm Larry Freeman.
And I'm Georgia Bordeney.
And I'm Mike Chadway.
And this is The Ugly Truth.
Where we'll be taking
a few minutes every day
to talk about men, women
and relationships.
Let's start with men.
Men are simple.
To illustrate my point,
here we have
a classic romantic setting.
We have, uh, candlelight,
champagne, and even
your own personal violinist.
over here, we have something
quite different.
[MAN]: This isn't on my list.
Ha-ha-ha! Follow me.
Is the segment over?
Where the hell's he going?
- Follow him. Follow him.
- Go with him, Remote.
Go with him, Remote 1.
Babes wrestling in Jell-O.
- Oh, Jell-O. That's great.
- Hello? Abby?
There's people calling
- and freaking out.
- Oh, Jesus.
- Sit down!
- Turn the monitor up.
Let's take a quick survey
and see which option
the men out there would pick.
We have classical music
and candle-lit dinner,
or semi-naked chicks wrestling
in strawberry-flavored goo.
Oh, shit.
All right.
If we're gonna do this,
we might as well milk it.
Two, get ready to go wide.
One, tight on his hand.
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
Lick the Jell-O off her finger.
Just do it.
I was wrong. It's cherry.
Back to you in the studio,
Georgia. Bye.
Coming up,
we're gonna visit the aquarium
and see how
Penny the Porpoise is doing.
Can she
clear that 10-foot pole
with a ball on her nose?
When we come back.
When we come back.
I smell threesome.
Great job, ladies.
I can still taste you.
You know what I mean.
Do you realize that
I once had the Archbishop
Desmond Tutu on this show?
Who's that?
I can't even demonstrate
how far I've fallen
because you're not smart enough
to get the references.
Hey, wait, wait, wait. I thought
we were a great team back there.
You were the one that
told me to lick the Jell-O.
Do you understand
how much I hate myself for that?
It was cheap titillation.
I am now going
to broadcasting hell
right behind the naked
weather girl from Canada.
There's a
naked weather girl?
Hey, can we get her?
You have to do it
for the ratings, Abby.
Think of my son.
My son, who had a dream
of being a cosmetician.
Think about him.
Think about Joy.
Just do it for me.
Today it'll be partly sunny
with a cloud cover moving in
from my left breast.
Low pressure systems
are moving up,
so expect a cold front.
[MAN ON TV]: Watch Mike Chadway
on Sacramento A.M.,
giving us The Ugly Truth
each and every day
at 9:00, right here
on Channel 2.
Oh, God.
I used
to really like caviar,
until I found out it was
made out of fish eggs.
- Did you know that?
- Caviar's revolting.
- I almost started to gag.
- Morning, ladies.
- John.
- Yesterday's ratings.
Oh. Thanks, John.
Guess I should be happy
about this, right?
Uh, yeah. Yeah. You've never
gotten a 12-share before.
I feel dirty.
Did you hear about
the ratings?
I am the producer.
Well, then did you hear that
corporate's coming next week
to take me out to dinner?
Oh. Well, let's hope you can
chew with your mouth closed.
Why do you hate my guts?
Your innards are of
no consequence to me.
It's what you represent.
- Oh, you hate the truth.
- Ha.
Your skewed perception
of male-female interaction
is not the truth.
But your imaginary
boyfriend's the truth?
For your information,
I happened to meet him.
Mm. Well, I hope
he's real this time,
because otherwise
this is just sad.
Oh, he's real.
He's very real.
Not to mention stunningly
handsome, morally sound.
He's a surgeon.
An orthopedic surgeon.
- You know what that means.
- What?
Had to stick his finger up
some guy's butt
in medical school.
You disgust me.
So did Butt Boy ask you out?
Not yet.
We're taking things slow,
getting to know
each other first.
Why am I
talking to you about this?
In other words,
he didn't actually ask you out.
What are you doing?
Doctor's office.
Hi. This is Abby Richter
calling for Dr. Anderson.
Please hold.
Yes, I'll hold.
- What're you doing?
- Shh!
- Why are you calling this guy?
- Shh.
- Shh.
- No.
- [COLIN]: Dr. Anderson.
- Hi, Colin. This is Abby.
Your neighbor
from last night.
Hey. Everything okay?
How's the, uh,
ankle treating you?
Couldn't be better.
I was just calling
to let you know
how much I enjoyed
meeting you last night.
and I was thinking we should
go out for dinner sometime.
There is a new
French bistro in town
and an art opening
that got amazing reviews.
So I was thinking
we could go on Friday.
Um, Friday.
Oh. Wow.
Would Saturday be better?
Abby, the thing is,
I haven't really settled in yet.
What the hell
are you doing?
I'm saving you.
He was blowing you off.
He wasn't blowing me off!
Don't. Okay, he'll be
expecting you to call him.
And when you don't,
he'll call back.
How do you know?
Because I know how men operate.
If you want it to
work out with this guy,
then you'll listen to me,
and you'll do exactly as I say.
You've probably already done
irreparable damage
with your psycho-aggressive
control-freak phone call.
It might even be too late.
And if you do salvage
the situation,
you'll never be more than Abby,
his desperate neighbor.
I'm not desperate.
Why? Did you think
I sounded desperate?
Listen to you.
Desperately asking me
if you sound desperate.
- Ah! Oh!
- Okay.
Although you won't admit it,
you know that I know
what I'm talking about.
It's your call, dude.
Fine. What do I do?
Pick up and say, "Hey, Doug".
- Why would I...?
- Just do it.
Hey, Doug.
Uh, no.
This is Colin.
Oh, my God!
I'm so sorry.
That's perfect.
Uh, who's,
uh, Doug?
Who's Doug?
He's just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
Just a guy I'm seeing.
It's nothing serious.
Oh, okay.
- Hang on a second.
- Hang on a second.
Now what?
Now just make him wait.
If he's still holding
after 30 more seconds,
you may
actually have a chance.
No one's gonna wait
for somebody
they're trying to blow off.
You better
be right about this.
Just give me a little time,
I'm gonna make this guy
your bitch.
I don't want a bitch.
Colin would never be a bitch.
He is a well-rounded man
capable of mature emotions
and deep, abiding love.
Things which
you know not of.
Maybe not.
But I do know about lust,
seduction and manipulation.
Things that you know not of.
Abby, I'll make you a deal.
If you do exactly as I say,
and you get this guy,
then you'll quit giving me shit
and you'll work with me.
You know as well as I do that
we could make this show huge.
And if it doesn't work?
What do I get?
Then I'll quit.
You're really
that confident?
It's been more than 30 seconds.
All right, deal. Now what?
Always make an impression.
Let's get a move on.
We have work to do.
But what about the...?
In five seconds,
he'll call. Come on.
What are you,
Rule number one:
never criticize.
Even if it's constructive?
Men are incapable of growth,
change or progress.
For men, self-improvement
ends at toilet training.
- Huh.
- Mm.
And rule number two:
laugh at whatever he says.
What if what he says
isn't funny?
That's irrelevant.
A fake laugh is like
a fake orgasm.
A fake orgasm is good?
No, but a fake orgasm
is better than no orgasm at all.
A fake orgasm is no orgasm.
Only to you.
You're not the only person
in the room, you know.
Let's not be selfish.
Now, that was perfect.
Real or fake?
You'll never know.
My face to the sky
Dreaming about just how high
Rule number three:
men are very visual.
We have to change your look.
What's wrong with my look?
Abby, you're a very
attractive woman,
but you are completely
You're all about
comfort and efficiency.
What's wrong with comfort
and efficiency?
Well, nothing,
except no one wants to fuck it.
Hello. May I be of assistance?
Yes, you may.
We need cocktail dresses,
tight jeans and some bras
that'll make my friend's breasts
sit up and say hello.
They're not saying hello now?
What are they saying?
Actually, they're giving off
more of a passing nod
rather than
an outright greeting.
You know what?
Why don't you try this on?
I think this would be wonderful.
Now, that is a bra.
Boobies in this thing say,
"Put me in your mouth,
I taste good".
I'm actually wearing one
right now as we speak.
Length is very important.
We need short enough
to see some thigh,
but not so short to see vag.
Mm. Vag says
you're trying too hard.
You think?
Jeans are all about
the curvature of the ass.
You've... Well,
you've got the raw materials.
Now all you need is
the proper presentation.
Did you just tell me
I have a nice ass?
Do you always have
to be so crass?
Rule number four:
never talk about your problems
because men don't
really listen or care.
- Some men care.
- No, some men pretend to care.
When we ask you how you're
doing, it's just guy code for:
"Let me stick
my dick in your ass".
Oh, I know you think
Colin is above it all,
but trust me, he's a guy.
If he's even remotely into you,
he's probably thought about
each one of your orifices
at least 10 times.
I love how you assume all men
are as perverse as you are.
Oh, I don't assume.
I know.
Wait. We need to make
one more stop.
Why? I have tons of stuff.
Nah, we have to make
your hair longer.
Men like something to grab onto
other than your ass.
My hair is fine. There's
nothing wrong with my hair.
Abby, a ponytail implies
that you are either
operating heavy machinery
or emptying the litter box.
Neither of those things
inspires an erection.
Why is it my responsibility
to inspire an erection?
Why isn't that his job?
Shut up.
Well? What do you think?
Uh... Not bad.
I just...
I don't wanna be perceived
as a bimbo. I mean...
And I don't want you
to be a bimbo.
You have to be two people:
the saint and the sinner.
The librarian
and the stripper.
On the one hand,
you have to push the guy away
with a cold indifference,
on the other, you have to be
a sexually teasing tornado.
Now, we have to teach
you flirting.
I know how to flirt.
You know how to flirt?
"Oh, my name's Abby,
and I love reading Tolstoy.
I also love cats, gardening,
and romantic picnics".
I don't think so.
[IN DEEP VOICE] Hey, babe,
you wearing any underwear?
Hey, you know what?
I wouldn't say that,
and I wouldn't grab ass.
What's wrong
with a little ass-grabbing?
- What's it there for if not to grab it?
- Oh!
You're just a set of orifices
and a pair of teetahs.
And you are a deeply,
deeply disturbed person.
[IN NORMAL VOICE] Hm. Maybe I'm just
a really good student.
- Would you stop doing that?
- Doing what?
Uh, running your finger
down there.
Over me.
Is it turning you on?
- Maybe.
- Heh.
It's weird,
I think I kinda like it.
- Sucker.
- Oh, I knew it.
- Okay, no teaching the teacher.
- Come on.
- Who is it?
- [COLIN]: It's Colin.
I'm not ready for this.
Am I ready for this?
- I'm not ready for this.
- Calm down. Shh!
Okay. Keep the conversation
under a minute. Now go.
- Under a minute?
- Yes.
Under a minute.
No, wait, wait, wait.
Come here, come here.
You're such an asshole.
- Hi.
- Hey.
- Wow, you look great.
- [ABBY]: Oh, thanks.
Yeah, I was just
doing the dishes.
- So, what happened to you today?
- What'd you mean?
Well, you put me on hold
and you never called back.
- Oh, my God. Was that you?
- Yeah.
- I'm so sorry.
- Ah, it's okay.
Uh, Colin, would you mind
giving me a call later?
I'm just so busy.
Gotta get back to those dishes.
- [COLIN]: Abby, wait.
- What now?
No, that's good.
Now make him suffer.
Make him suffer. Suffer.
[COLIN]: Abby, I was wondering
if you'd like to go
to the Devils game
with me on Saturday.
Go, Comets!
He delivers it.
[MIKE OVER RADIO]: Okay, I have
a visual. Nod if you can hear me.
Just relax.
It's gonna be fine.
Now, do exactly
what I tell you,
and when
I tell you to do it. Okay?
You follow baseball?
Do something noncommittal.
Eh. Ha-ha-ha.
You okay?
I'm fine.
That was a little over the top,
but nice try.
- Well, thanks.
- For what?
Well, thanks for being you.
- Mm-hm.
- You're welcome.
Excuse me.
Oh, my God.
You're Mike Chadway.
I love you.
- Hey, buddy, what the hell?
- Dude, what the fuck?
- Dude, what the fuck?
- What?
[MIKE]: No, no, no.
I'm not talking to you.
I'm not talking to you.
Okay, did I do something wrong?
No, stop. Listen.
Tell him you saw him
looking at another girl.
I... I saw you.
I saw you
looking at another girl.
- Who?
- That girl, right there.
I was trying to get us
a couple hot dogs.
- Oh. Okay.
- Two. Thank you.
Okay, we need a quick recovery.
Make sure you put the hot dog
in your mouth nice and slowly.
Men like watching
penis-shaped food
go into a girl's mouth.
- Oh!
- Oh!
I'm so sorry.
- Oh, God. I'm so, so sorry.
- No, it's okay. Really.
You know, I can get this out.
I'm sure I can.
- What kind of fabric is this?
- I don't know. Cotton?
Cotton. Ooh. Cotton's the worst.
Well, actually,
leather's the worst.
- After that would be suede.
- Okay.
- I think I can get it out.
- [MIKE]: Abby.
[ABBY]: Oh, look,
hold on. It's coming!
- Where?
- There. Right there.
[MIKE]: Abby? Abby,
you might wanna look up.
Way to go, Abby.
[WHISPERING] Okay, I got you.
I'm in position.
Can't say today
was boring.
You're being nice.
- I embarrassed you.
- No.
You're just, uh,
not what I'm used to.
I know.
No, actually,
it's a good thing.
I'm used to women I can
figure out in five seconds.
But I can't
do that with you.
i[MIKE]: He's an idiot.
I figured you out in two.
Now, tell him good night
and stick your tits out.
We're gonna give
this one last shot.
Well, good night then.
That definitely made up
for my wet crotch.
Ha. Me too.
No, scratch that.
I didn't have one.
Yeah. Ha-ha.
- I'll see you later.
- Yeah.
- Okay.
- Bye.
You did it! You did it!
You did it!
I didn't do anything.
You did!
- It was you.
- No.
I mean, don't ask me why,
but I think he likes you.
- He's such a great guy, right?
- Yeah, he's dreamy.
Yeah. And he fits all 10
of the criteria on my checklist.
Right. Though weren't items
one through nine
something to do with him
pretty much being gay?
I'm gonna ignore that,
because I am in such
a good mood.
Yeah, I heard. Wet crotch.
Of all the primates,
bonobo monkeys
are the closest relatives
to human beings
both genetically and socially.
Especially when
it comes to sex.
They use sex
as a way to end an argument.
One of my favorite
techniques as well.
In fact, when they come upon
a new food source,
they have a gangbang
in order to decrease tension...
- Small person on-set.
- Thanks.
[MIKE]:... which is something
we humans should look into.
No, no, no.
This is not for children.
It's okay. I know him.
- You do?
- Yeah.
[MIKE]:... sit on their asses
all day and boss their men around.
Sounds like a great argument
for evolution if you ask me.
And that, my friends,
is the ugly truth.
And we're wrapped.
Great job, Mike.
Thank you.
See you guys later.
Yeah, I've got an adult
male bonobo monkey
in my pants.
I'd like to see that.
Hey. What are you
doing here?
I told you no watching
the show, especially live.
I need some emergency advice.
Tracy Mclvor asked me
to the Sadie Hawkins dance.
Is it dorky if I say yes?
Hell, no. Are you kidding?
You're ahead of the game.
Women are coming to you.
You know
how cool that is?
this moment, okay?
Now get the hell out of here.
I'll see you at 5.
- Okay.
- We'll celebrate.
Don't forget the pizza, King Kong.
Hey, have I ever?
He lives with you?
Well, next door, with my sister.
He's my nephew.
- Cute kid.
- Yeah.
Here, uh, do me.
- Okay. So guess what.
- What?
Colin called, he wants
to get together again.
Oh, Lord.
Um, so how long should I wait
to have sex with him?
Well, the more you
make him beg for it,
the more you're gonna
keep him on the hook.
So do everything else but.
But then show him
that beneath that control-freak
exterior of yours,
that there's a sexual deviant
waiting to be unleashed.
No. No, I'm not
a sexual deviant. Mm-mm.
Good point.
I'm guessing you've been
out of practice for what,
- a year?
- No.
- Eleven months.
- God.
Eleven months.
How do you live? Come on.
So how often do you, uh...?
Do I what?
- Do I what?
- You know,
flick the bean?
What bean?
- Your bean. Flick it. Down there.
- Oh!
Gross! That's what you call it?
What is wrong with you?
No, well, actually,
I call it masturbating,
but I thought that might
offend your delicate
ladylike sensibilities.
- So how often do you flick it?
- I don't know.
How often do you flick it?
You're only asking me that so
you can picture me flicking mine
- while you flick yours.
- Oh, no.
I would never picture you
while I do that,
which is
not something I do.
- I don't do that, not ever.
- Yes, you would.
- No. No. No.
- Never?
I find it impersonal.
Abby, what could be
more personal
than you
flicking your bean?
I just don't see myself
that way, okay?
Okay, well, I do.
Come here. Ahem.
Well, you better start.
Because if you don't
wanna have sex with you,
- why the hell would Colin?
- Hm.
What is this?
What is this, baby?
What? What, baby?
What is this?
What is this, D'Artagnan?
"Astrea 1".
Oh. "Vibrating brief". Wow.
He said he was running late.
Ugh. What is he
doing here already?
Good, you're ready.
For what?
The dinner
with corporate.
- Didn't you get my e-mail?
- No.
And I can't.
I have a date with Colin.
You can't go because
you have a date?
You have no idea how hard
those are for her to get.
Well, then let's pick
him up on the way.
Come on, let's go.
Right now.
[MIKE]: Come on.
Come on, let's go.
Sorry to hijack
your date, brother.
No worries.
You're a producer as well?
No, dude,
I'm the talent.
So you're, uh...
You're an anchor, then?
No, I do
The Ugly Truth.
Hasn't he ever seen
our show?
Come on, Stuart.
Our show's way too
low-brow for Colin.
- He's a doctor.
- Yes.
That's right, he is.
He doesn't wanna hear about
things like implants
and oral sex.
You talk about oral sex?
Oh, look, we're here.
You invited
the Jell-O twins?
Yeah. I thought
it was good thinking.
Well, it certainly
can't hurt.
you look quite fetching.
Hey, hey, the gang's all here.
Harold, Bob, you remember Abby.
Hi. And this is...
And we all know Mike Chadway.
And who are these
lovely ladies?
Something tells me we won't be
talking about the news tonight.
That's right.
Our table's waiting. Shall we?
Come this way.
You're doing
a hell of a job.
Yeah, I couldn't agree more.
- [BOB]: That's a good one, huh?
- [STUAR]: That is funny.
Thank you.
So you guys here
to give me a raise or what?
Oh, that's my guy,
always with the jokes.
Yeah. Right.
No, really,
we are very excited
about this year's rating
increases. And we're hoping
that in the next quarter, we...
Oh, God.
What's wrong?
Nothing. Nothing.
Um... Could you excuse me?
- Shit.
- Sorry, she's...
What are you doing?
I'm looking for the remote.
- What remote?
- For the... Oh!
The underwear.
You're wearing them now?
Oh! Wow.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Mm. This ceviche, it's so good.
Quite possibly the best
I have ever tasted. Oh.
Yeah. I'm gonna ask the chef
for the recipe.
Abby, uh, hold on.
Tell Harold about
the new teaser campaign
we're starting next week.
You're gonna love this.
Sure. Sure, sure, sure.
Well, they're, uh...
They're 15 seconds
every hour, on the hour.
Yep. Yep, yep.
They're so,
You tell them, Mike.
You should tell them. Yes, yes.
Yes, you tell them.
I was really enjoying
the way you were
telling them. It was great.
You were...
You were telling them.
What's in ceviche?
They're, um...
They're unlike anything
you have ever felt.
And they're of...
Of Mike telling an ugly truth,
and they are just so...
So cutting-edge.
So... So fantastic.
So fantastic!
Oh, God!
Oh, it's so, so great!
Oh, God. Yeah!
You're gonna love them.
Well, gotta love her
enthusiasm, right?
I'm gonna use the restroom,
if you'll excuse me.
Sorry, buddy, that's my toy.
Did you know
he had it the whole time?
Not the whole time,
just part of the time.
I figured I should
let you finish.
How kind.
So thanks for coming tonight.
To dinner.
- That kind of coming.
- Mm-hm.
He likes you, by the way.
I can tell.
We ready to go?
- I know Abby is.
- Great.
Let's go.
- Take care. Thanks.
- Okay.
Well, that went well,
I think.
- Sure did. Let's get a drink.
- Yeah.
Bob and Harold...
I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine
Oh, whoa
Do what you want
But you never gonna break me
Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me
No, oh, whoa, oh
Take me away
Take me away
A secret place
A secret place
A sweet escape
A sweet escape
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
To better days
To better days
Take me away
Take me away
A hiding place
A hiding place
I got a pocket
Got a pocketful of sunshine
I got a love and
I know that it's all mine
Oh, whoa, oh
Do what you want
But you never gonna break me
Sticks and stones
Are never gonna shake me
Oh, oh, whoa, oh
Wish that you could
But you ain't gonna own me
Do anything
You can to control me
No, oh, no
Take me away
Take me away
A secret place
A secret place
A sweet escape
A sweet escape
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
To better days
To better days
Take me away
Take me away
A hiding place
A hiding place
The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride
I smile up to the sky
I know I'll be all right
The sun is on my side
Take me for a ride
Oh, my God. For me?
Oh, my God,
he sent you flowers!
A sweet escape
A sweet escape
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
A secret place
A secret place
To better days
To better days
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Take me away
Uh-huh. Okay. Just conference me
when you get a hold of her.
Okay, bye. All right,
so we have
the balloon festival coming up
and I thought for sweeps,
it might be nice to do a segment
on how men are full of hot air.
- Right? It's good, right?
- Heh. No.
No. Well, we should still
do some stuff on location,
because you're great when
you're interacting with people.
I'm sorry, did you just
say I'm great?
Yeah, you kind of are.
Hm. Back at you, babe.
So tell me this.
Why hasn't some fancy
New York show stolen you away?
Oh, I much prefer
Sacramento to New York.
Ha. Come on.
You just like being
a big fish in a little pond.
- No. No.
- Mm.
And Sacramento
isn't really a pond,
it's more of a lake,
or even an estuary. Hm.
And it's a great place
to raise a family.
Uh, really good
school system.
The parks are clean
and well-maintained and safe.
And there's a much lower
divorce rate here than
there is in New York.
Yes, well...
Thank God Colin would never
be into a woman like that.
Oh, yeah, I forgot. Colin only
likes women of quality, huh?
That's a trait to be admired,
not mocked, man-whore.
Why am I a man-whore?
I've seen you with
the Funbag Twins, remember?
Saw me what?
What, you saw me introduce them
to some network executives?
They wanna be actresses, baby.
I mean, who am I
to kill their dream?
Mm, such a generous man.
Now, you're telling me
you've never slept with them?
Well, no, I didn't say that.
That's my point.
Men, or man-whores,
prefer women in slutty clothes
who suck lots of cock.
Every man wants that.
And for your information,
I only slept with the one
who could read.
Wait a second,
did you just say "cock"?
Yes. Yes, I did.
I can say "cock".
You don't own the word. Cock.
Cock, cock, cock.
Okay, I got it.
A week ago, you were crying
at the thought of a vibrator.
Now you're, "cock this,
cock that," cock, cock, cock.
You slept with Colin,
didn't you?
No. No.
We didn't. We're saving
that for this weekend.
He's taking me
to Lake Tahoe.
here's to overturning
assumptions, huh?
I'm really a man
of discriminating taste
and you're a foul-mouthed slut.
Thank you.
So there you have it.
Never assume a girl is easy
or assume she's a prude.
There are many layers
in between.
And it's your job, gentlemen,
to peel back those layers
and figure out exactly what type
of woman you're dealing with.
That sounded
almost enlightened.
Because once you do peel back
those layers, my friends,
her lady garden awaits.
And he's back.
And I'm pretty sure you're gonna
wanna fertilize
that patch of petunias.
Well, thanks, Mike.
Coming up after this message,
Javier tells us if your petunias
are gonna see any rainfall
this weekend.
I sure hope mine do.
I wanna go home, but let's
go over the script right now.
Yeah, let's get it done
really quickly.
I'm turned on with the layers.
Want to see these layers?
- There he is.
- [MIKE]: Hey, what's up?
Good news.
You're not gonna believe this.
I got you on The Late Late Show
with Craig Ferguson.
They want you as his guest.
Craig Ferguson wants me
on his show?
You're shitting me.
I am not shitting you.
- Oh, yeah!
- We made it.
Hi. Who are you?
Oh, this is Rick.
- I'm his agent.
- Yeah.
Since when do you have an agent?
And since when is it okay
to book Late Night without
the producer's approval?
Actually, it's Late Late.
It's two "lates".
And since he became the hottest
personality on morning TV.
Have you seen this guy's
Yes. Yes, I have.
Yeah, okay.
Anyways, you leave tonight.
- Okay.
- It's all set.
- [MIKE]: How cool is this?
- [RICK]: Come on, let's go.
Aah! Oh, my God!
Joy said
you wanted to see me?
I just found out that
Mike's being offered a job
at a CBS affiliate in
San Francisco at twice the pay.
Craig Ferguson
is his audition.
- You can't be serious.
- Oh, I'm serious.
If Bob and Harold find out
about this, we're dead.
Now, I need you to fly out there
and talk him out of it.
I'm going to Lake Tahoe
this weekend.
Just don't let him know
that you know beforehand.
Go ahead and let him do the
show, and get us our publicity,
and then convince him
that he needs to sign on with us
for the next three years.
That's all we can do.
Stuart, I'm pulling up.
I'm gonna try to catch him
before he goes.
Okay. I'll call you back.
Thank you.
little stupid penis face.
You'd be on cable access
if it weren't for me.
Hear you wanna move to CBS.
Is everything okay, miss?
Yes, I'm just...
I'm practicing my speech.
What are you doing here?
I thought you were
going to Tahoe.
Oh. You couldn't spend a day
without me, could you?
Oh, yes. I just can't get enough
of your sparkling wit and charm.
Stuart thought you needed
a producer more
than I needed to get laid.
So come on, I gotta check in.
We leave in five minutes.
Five minutes.
Ticktock, ticktock.
Yes, dear.
[ABBY]: Okay, uh, so let's go over
the pre-interview questions.
I'm sorry you didn't get
to spend time
with little Colin
this weekend.
And by "little,"
I don't mean undersized,
although I highly suspect
that's the case.
Colin's penis. That's what
you wanna talk about right now?
Because I thought maybe
we should talk about
what you're gonna say
on the show.
Yeah. Okay.
[IN IRISH ACCENT] So tell me, Mike,
how did The Ugly Truth start?
Uh, well,
Mr. Irish Craig Ferguson,
I had a sales job
where I was driving around
a lot, listening to talk radio.
I started calling in,
and then I realized
I'm smarter than everybody else.
Just ask my producer, Abby.
She thinks
I'm a genius on days
when she's not
sexually frustrated.
Yes, thousands of lives
have been enriched
by your wisdom.
Excuse me, lady,
but you have a boyfriend
right now because of me.
It may have started
because of you,
but it's lasted because of me.
So you're acting like
your normal control-freak
psycho self again.
I am not a control freak.
When you checked
into the hotel,
did you or did you not
insist on getting
an eastern-facing room
on a floor not below 7?
I like rising with the sun,
and a view.
My point is, that Colin likes
the Mike version of Abby,
not the Abby version
of Abby.
So don't go knocking
my words of wisdom
when you're living proof
that they work.
I could be
having sex right now.
Right this way, please.
Dude, this is awesome.
You are about to go on
national television.
Okay, this isn't helping,
Just, you know,
do what you always do.
What do I always do?
You, uh...
I don't know, you...
You entertain millions of people
with your moronic ideas,
and they love you for it.
I think that may be the nicest
thing you ever said to me.
- You're welcome.
- [FERGUSON]: Next up,
here to tell us the ugly truth
about men and women
is Mike Chadway, everybody.
Mike Chadway.
Mike, Mike, Mike.
Come on up.
Hey, how are you, folks?
All right, Mike, welcome.
Now, listen. Men, we men,
I think I can say "we men".
Not necessarily "wee" men,
but men of all sizes...
No, I get it. I get it.
We're not known for
our expertise
in matters of the heart.
But I hear you have some very
interesting ideas and theories.
What advice would you give
to the good people out there
that are
looking for love?
My advice would be, uh:
Don't do it.
I mean,
try to find lust instead.
It's a lot easier
and a lot less messy.
Blue balls,
they only last a few hours,
but a broken heart,
that can last years.
Goodness me. Tell me, then.
What's her name?
[FERGUSON]: The woman that screwed
you up. She must have been a doozy.
Ah. Well, like I said,
better a floozy than a doozy.
Hi. I was looking
for an Abby Richter.
Did you get him? Is he ours?
I'm working on it.
I gotta go.
- Where's Rick?
- I sent him home.
I thought maybe you and I
could celebrate on our own.
Here. Give me some of that.
And, uh, what exactly
are we celebrating?
Hello? Craig Ferguson?
I was just on it.
I mean, maybe you saw it?
I heard about
the offer from CBS.
Well, then maybe you heard
I turned it down.
You did?
You know,
he needs me around.
I may not be the best
father figure out there,
but I'm the only one he's got.
And I don't wanna half-ass it
all the way from San Francisco.
Well, I think that's
a very good decision.
Thank you.
Now, can we stop
talking about work
and maybe relax
and drink, enjoy?
Tell me about the doozy.
You know, the woman
who broke your heart.
You are just totally
trying to kill my buzz.
No, I'm not. I'm just interested
in what makes you you.
for your information,
it was, uh...
It was more than just one.
It was more like a parade.
Co-dependent girls,
unfaithful girls,
depressed girls,
narcissistic girls,
phony girls.
Girls who, it turned out,
didn't actually like me.
By the time I hit 30,
I realized that, uh,
you can only have
so many lousy relationships
before you figure out
there's no such thing
as a good one.
Oh, come on. You can't really
believe there's no such thing
as a good relationship.
Mm. To my very core.
Hello. Can I
get you something?
I'll have one of those, please.
A mojito. Sure.
Would you like anything else?
Yeah, some water.
Okay, would you like
still or sparkling?
- Tap water's great. Thanks.
- Tap. All right.
It's the exact same thing,
isn't it?
So I've been told.
Come on, let's dance.
No, I'm serious.
I've seen your spazzy dance,
now I wanna see the real thing.
No, really.
I can't dance like that.
I can. Well, kind of.
Ugh. Mike, no.
The way you walk
The way you talk
The way you smile
It turns me on
The way you move
The way you groove
Makes me glad
That I'm with you
The way you walk
The way you talk
The way you smile
It turns me on
The way you move
The way you groove
Makes me glad
That I'm with you
The way you walk
The way you talk
The way you smile
It turns me on
The way you move
The way you groove
Makes me glad
That I'm with you
The way you walk
The way you talk
The way you smile
It turns me on
The way you move
The way you groove
Makes me glad
That I'm with you
We have an early flight
tomorrow. We should go.
Yeah. We should go.
So the car is gonna pick us
up downstairs tomorrow at 8.
Do you want me to call you?
No, I'll get a wake-up call.
- Oh, yeah, good idea.
- Yeah.
I had a really good time
Me too.
- My floor.
- Yeah.
- See you tomorrow.
- Eight o'clock.
Eight o'clock.
- Good night.
- Good night. Oh!
- Good night.
- Yeah, good night.
- A lot of fun. Yeah.
- Yeah. Yeah. Oh.
I guess, uh,
I guess I should go, huh?
Good night.
What the hell was that?
Why do I wanna do it again?
- Miss me?
- Colin.
You were expecting
someone else?
- Mm.
- Uh...
Since you couldn't
come to Lake Tahoe,
I decided to come to you.
Oh. How did you
know I was here?
Uh, Joy told me.
I just started
thinking about
all the stuff we were
going to do there, and I...
- Come here.
- decided I couldn't wait.
- A little champagne?
- Yeah.
- So happy to be here.
- Oh, yes.
What's wrong?
You just surprised me.
You told me you were
Yes, I did.
Have a little something else
on its way up for you.
You are going to love it.
- Oh! Whoa! Ha-ha!
- Whoa!
Let me tell you,
it comes out so fast, right?
Oh, wow, I guess we'll have to
get naked sooner than I thought.
- I'll get you a towel.
- Okay.
Abby, I...
Abby, I really,
really wanna do that again,
and not just tonight.
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
Man up, Chadway.
Come on, you can do this.
Hey, hey.
You're not room service.
- How you doing, man?
- Hey. Uh...
Hey. Good to see you.
I, uh...
I just came by to tell
Abby about the change
in our flight time,
but I can come by later.
What are you doing here?
Uh, flight's changed.
Eight o'clock in the morning.
I... I told you that already?
Uh, I'm so...
Long day, big day.
Okay, I'll just leave now.
Mike. Mike.
Hey, wait.
He came to surprise me. I...
Hey, how convenient.
No, I...
I thought it was you
at the door.
Well, I guess we're all
I taught you well.
Hey, maybe you could
even host the show.
Tell me what happened
in the elevator.
Should I tell Colin to go?
No, why pull up anchor now?
I mean, you worked damn hard
to get him here.
And that's it?
That's all you have to say?
What do you want me to say?
The truth is ugly, isn't it?
That's what I've been
trying to tell you.
I'll see you.
Sorry about that.
No. Honestly, no worries.
Just come here.
Listen, the rest
of the night is ours. Hm?
To the first of many
romantic evenings to come.
Whoa. Uh...
Mm. Yeah.
Colin, why do you like me?
Oh, heh.
Wow. Uh...
You're beautiful.
You're smart.
You, uh...
You never criticize.
You know what? You never
try to control the situation.
And I've gotta say,
it's a breath of fresh air
because I know so many women
who are total control freaks,
and it's a nightmare.
And I just love that
you're not like that.
But I am.
I am just like that.
Wait, what do you mean?
Well, this should be chilled.
And you know that.
And, uh,
as horrible as it sounds,
I was editing that speech
the entire time
you were giving it.
And the time you fed me caviar,
I was in physical pain.
I hate being fed
like a toddler.
That's how much
of a control freak I am.
But I couldn't show you
any of that, because
who would love
someone like that?
No one.
I'm so sorry.
You are a great guy,
you really are.
Which is why I have to tell you
that I have not been myself.
Not for one second of the time
that we've been dating.
Then who have you been?
The girl some idiot
told me to be.
Morning, Freddy.
What did you do to him?
I didn't do anything.
He missed the flight
all on his own.
He quit this morning.
I just got a smug call
from the local CBS affiliate
saying they'd closed
a deal with him.
Corporate's having a shit fit.
What the hell happened?
He quit to go to one
of our local competitors?
We don't need Mike Chadway.
Halfwit troglodytes
are a dime a dozen.
You'd better be right.
Because you gotta find me
another one
by the end of the week
or else we're cancelled.
[ABBY]: I'll find one
by the end of the day.
Not really. I'm just...
That's just a joke, everybody.
I can't believe I allowed myself
to feel anything for him.
Well, you felt enough something
to break up with Colin.
I'm sorry.
Okay, here are the
Mike Chadway replacements.
Yes, no, yes, no, no,
fuck no.
"Fuck no". All right.
So, what do you think
of the new set?
I love it.
KSXP retained the copyright
to your old segment title,
so we retitled you:
Morning Madness With Mike.
Love it.
And this is Joe,
your new producer.
You know what I like
best about you, Joe?
Is I don't wanna
have sex with you at all.
I'm relieved
to hear that.
Givin' myself to you is like
Givin' myself to chainsaw
You keep cuttin' me open
Is that the only thing
That you're good for?
Givin' myself to you is like
Givin' myself to a chainsaw
You keep cuttin' me open
Is that the only thing
That you're good for?
How's my face?
Is it too shiny?
Which side is better?
Right, left, full frontal?
They're all great.
Can we go over your intro
one more time?
"I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is.. ".
The Ugly Truth.
Okay. Let's, uh,
maybe lose the gun thing.
What? Gun's my signature move.
Unless the NRA is paying
your mortgage this month,
I say lose
the effing gun.
All right, we're live
in five, four, three...
Two, one.
Think this guy's any good?
He better be.
I'm Jack Magnum,
and this is The Ugly Truth.
Oh, Jesus.
He's going political.
Okay, so we'll do a couple
questions with the balloon pilot
about how often
couples get it on
and then we're out.
Got it.
Check it out.
Your replacement's on.
GEORGIA:... Jack Magnum.
My what?
How's it going out there?
Your replacement?
[JACK]: Most of you
are watching this show
so you can learn how
to get chicks.
Well, let me assure you,
you're in good hands.
You're looking at a guy
who personally has had sex
with over 137 women.
Most of them conscious.
This is beautiful.
Now, we're here
at the balloon festival
and I'm supposed
to be telling you about
how men are full of hot air.
But I think we all know,
it's the ladies
that are full of crap.
Just because she says no,
doesn't mean she means no.
If that were the case,
I'd have only 90 women...
Okay. All right.
What the hell?
Did she...? Oh.
- Uh...
- Welcome back.
It looks like we're experiencing
some technical difficulty.
Yeah, when you have
a wine festival...
Okay, I got it.
Unh. Hi.
- Uh...
- We're back.
I'm sorry,
but Jack Magnum will no longer
be able to do The Ugly Truth.
Which should really
come as no surprise
because men
are completely unreliable.
- What is she doing?
Yes? Yes, Harold? Yes. Yes,
I know. We're fixing it.
Take Mike Chadway,
for instance.
He up and quit the show
without so much as a word.
You think you know what men
are gonna do,
you think you know
what men want to do.
But when it comes right down
to that moment
where they actually need
to step up
and, I don't know,
make a move,
they chicken out.
Oh. I am all over this.
[JOE]: Where're you going?
We're live in two!
It's going great, isn't it?
The big, strong, brave men
that we've all been
reading about
in novels and watching in movies
since we were 9 years old,
that's a fallacy.
They don't exist.
Men are not strong.
Men are not brave.
Men are afraid.
It's all part of the show.
Sort of an Andy Kaufman
thing we're doing.
Even if they have a moment
in a hotel elevator, and...
and it's totally romantic
and full of potential,
men are incapable
of copping to it.
Because why?
Men are weak.
Let me tell you something
about women.
Oh. Hey.
Woman would have us believe
that they are the victims.
That we break
their hearts for sport.
[CLIFF]: I thought he quit.
That's crap.
See, Bob?
I told you we'd get him back.
They say they want true love,
but all they want
is a checklist.
Is he perfect? Is he handsome?
Is he a doctor?
For you men who fit
the criteria,
don't kid yourselves,
they're not sleeping with you.
They're sleeping with
a carefully calculated
set of venal choices.
Money over substance,
looks over soul.
Polish over principles.
No gesture,
no matter how real or romantic,
will ever compensate
for a really impressive list
of credentials.
This coming from a man
who's never made a gesture
other than this one.
Oh, so the elevator
wasn't a gesture?
The elevator
was a moment of passion,
followed by a moment of panic
on your part, apparently.
- Panic? I came by your room.
- Yes...
and then you ran away.
That wasn't panic,
That was
an unwillingness to compete
with the walking checklist
that was in your bed.
You should be thanking me.
Uh, we got 10 seconds.
Are we ready to soar
up, up and away?
Well, there you have it, folks.
That's the ugly truth.
A girl in heat for two guys
will always choose the one
with the better rsum.
That is bullsh...
- And we're out.
God. I hate you so much,
I just swore on live television.
No, you hate yourself
for being so shallow.
- Off we go.
- Where're we going?
I'm not going anywhere
with you.
[ABBY]: Oh. Well, that's a shocker,
you're bailing.
I wouldn't recommend that.
Keep rolling
on the onboard camera.
What're you doing?
God, what is wrong with you?
They don't even know
they're on the air, do they?
Is there any way to tell them
they're on the air?
Oh, they're gonna curse.
I know it.
So who
wants champagne?
Oh, I know.
I got a great idea.
Why don't we pass the time
with you telling me
how much fun you and Colin had
having sex in Los Angeles?
I broke up with Colin
in Los Angeles, you jackass.
On our left, you'll see
the High Sierras...
Oh, yeah.
That's got your interest.
Well, if you think we're gonna
finish what we started in LA,
you're out of your mind.
You lost your chance.
Oh, come on.
I never had a chance with you.
And to our right here, you'll
see the lovely Sacramento River
winding its way through
the dichromatic landscape.
Could you please stop talking?
Thank you.
You're right. I had a momentary
lapse in judgment
when I thought you were more
than you are, but you aren't.
Oh, yeah?
Well, what does that mean?
"I'm Mike Chadway.
I like girls in Jell-O.
I like to fuck like a monkey.
Don't fall in love, it's scary".
Oh, for God's sakes,
there's the first one.
Yeah, it is scary.
It's terrifying.
Especially when I'm in love
with a psycho like you.
I am not a psycho.
I just told you
that I loved you,
and all you heard was "psycho".
You're the definition
of neurotic.
The definition of neurotic
is a person who suffers from
anxiety, obsessive thoughts,
compulsive acts
and physical ailments
without any objective
evidence of...
Shut up.
Yet again, I just told
you I'm in love with you,
and you're standing here
giving me a vocabulary lesson.
You're in love with me.
Beats the shit outta me,
but I am.
Oh! Oh, Mike.
- You're amazing.
- [MIKE]: Ah, I am?
Oh, you're a god. Oh!
- [MIKE]: Really?
- [ABBY]: Oh, God!
Am I really that good?
Or are you...?
Are you just faking it?
You'll never know.
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
Walked out of the house
With my swagger
Hop in there with dough
I got places to go
People to see
Time is precious
I look at my cotty
They out of control
Just like my mind
Where I'm going
No women, no shorties
No nothin' but clothes
No stoppin' now
My Pirellis on roll
I like my jewelry
That's always on whoa
I know the storm is comin'
My pockets keep tellin' me
It's gonna shower
Call up my homies
It's on
Then pop in the next
'Cause this mix'll be ours
We keep a fade-away shot
'Cause we ballin'
It's platinum patron
That be ours, li'I mama
I owe you just
Like the flowers
Girl, you the drink with
All that goodie power
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
From the top of the pole
I watch her go down
She got me throwin'
My money around
Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found
It's goin' down, down
From the top of the pole
I watch her go down
She got me throwin'
My money around
Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found
It's goin' down, down
Hey, shorty must know
I'm the man
My money love her
Like a number-one fan
Don't look at my mouth
Let her talk to my fans
My Benjamin Franklins
A couple of grands
I got rubber bands
Paper planes makin' a dance
Get dirty all night
That's part of my thing
Keep building castles
That's made out of sand
She's amazing, fire blazing
Hotter than Cajun
Girl, won't you move
A little closer?
Time to get paid
It's maximum wage
That body belong on a poster
I'm in a daze
That bottom is wavin' at me
Like, damn it, I know you
You wanna shoot like a gun
Out of holster
Tell me whatever
And I'll be your roper
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
From the top of the pole
I watch her go down
She got me throwin'
My money around
Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found
It's goin' down, down
From the top of the pole
I watch her go down
She got me throwin'
My money around
Ain't nothing more beautiful
To be found
It's goin' down, down
Yeah, I'm spending my money
I'm out of control
Somebody help me
She's taking my bank roll
But I'm king of the club
And I'm wearin' the crown
Poppin' these bottles
Touchin' these models
Watchin' they asses
Go down, down
Down, go, go, down
Down, go, go
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down
You spin my head right round
Right round
When you go down
When you go down, down