Uncle Kent (2011) Movie Script
[RATTLING..]
SO I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY IS A RABBIT WEARING A
HUMAN SKELETON COSTUME?
BECAUSE A RABBIT WOULD HAVE A
RABBIT SKELETON COSTUME.
NO, NO.
IT'S A HUMAN SKELETON
WEARING A RABBIT COSTUME.
OH, ONE OF THE HUMAN
SKELETONS IS WEARING THE RABBICOSTUMES TO FOOL THEM?
YEAH, AND THEN...
JUST FOR THE, JUST FOR
THE ONE BIT?
-YEAH.
I DON'T THINK THAT MAKES
ANY SENSE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD CUT IT.
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT...
WELL, BECAUSE...
YEAH, WELL, I'M THE
DIRECTOR, SO...
BUT THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.
YES, SIR!
SO, ACTUALLY THIS IS GONNA BE
TOO LONG, SO LET'S ACTUALLY CUTHAT, 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK IT'S
THAT FUNNY.
GOOD IDEA.
[...]
THIS IS HARD.
-FUCK.
HOW DO YOU DO THIS EVERY DAY?
CAN YOU SEE, CAN YOU
READ THAT? THAT, THAT...
WHAT? CAN I READ WHAT?
DUDE, I CAN READ THIS FROM LIKE
ACROSS THE ROOM.
NO, NO. GET IT CLOSE TO
YOUR FACE.
I CAN READ THIS FROM AN INCH
OR, LIKE, 10 FEET, MAN.
I GOT PERFECT EYESIGHT.
I'VE BEEN DOING... I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS IN MY LIFE.
WHAT, MOVING SOMETHING AWAY?
THAT'S WHAT MY MOM DOES.
THAT'S WHAT MY DAD DOES.
I FEEL LIKE MY DAD.
WE'RE ALL BECOMING OUR DADS.
THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT.
I USED TO HAND MY DAD, LIKE,
"SIGN THIS PERMISSION SLIP" AND
HE'D GO...
BUT NOW I'M DOING THAT.
SO, THEN GET GLASSES.
I NEED GLA... NO, I WENT TO
MY DOCTOR AND I SAID...
I THOUGHT I NEEDED GLASSES.
AND HE SAID TO GO TO THE
PHARMACY AND GET THOSE
MAGNIFYING READING GLASSES.
THOSE ARE GOING TO BE
SO LAME.
YOU SEE MY NEW GLASSES?
[MAKES BLAST-OFF SOUND]
[...]
WHAT IS THAT?
IS THAT SOME KIND OF POD?
Man: IT'S MY NEW CAMERA.
OH, IT'S ONE OF THOSE,
LIKE, UH, U.S.B. CAMS?
[ELECTRONIC LAUGH FROM KEYBOARD]
[BOTH LAUGH]
[ELECTRONIC LAUGH FROM KEYBOARD]
WAIT, DO THAT AGAIN.
BUT, LIKE, YEAH.
LIKE, WAIT, I'll TELL YOU
A JOKE AND THEN...
HEY, WHY IS SIX AFRAID OF SEVEN?
WHY'S THAT?
'CAUSE SEVEN ATE NINE.
[ELECTRONIC LAUGH FROM KEYBOARD]
[...]
SO, AT THE ADVICE FROM MY
EYE DOCTOR, I'M GETTING SOME
READING GLASSES.
WOW.
[...]
[MUFFLED VOICES ON COMPUTER...]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[...]
HOW'S IT GOING?
[...]
[MUFFLED VOICES FROM COMPUTER]
[...]
ALL RIGHT, ALMOST DONE.
HOLD ON.
Voices from computer:
Wow... Wow... Yes!
[APPLAUSE]
[...]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
[KISSING SOUND]
[...]
[BUBBLING]
[...]
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
[...]
[BIRDS CHIRPING...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
HOW THOSE GLASSES WORK...
TREATIN' YA?
THEY WORK, ACTUALLY.
LOOK, I CAN'T DRAW WHILE
YOU'RE DOING THAT.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
[BOTH LAUGH]
JUST THE SHOULDERS.
JUST THE SHOULDERS.
SLOW IT DOWN, SLOW IT DOWN.
O.K.
[MOANS]
THE SKELETON IS GREAT, BUT I
THINK DAVE WANTS THE GUITAR
TO BE BIGGER.
HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO LOOK
LIKE A GUN.
SO, I THINK...
DOES IT NEED TO BE LIKE,
LIKE A, UM...
IT'S GOT TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
LIKE AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR,
THOUGH?
THAT BIG?
YEAH, LIKE IT'S ON HIS BACK.
HE'S LIKE RUNNING WITH IT ON HIS
BACK, 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ITO LOOK LIKE...
OH, HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO
BE LIKE A MACHINE GUN BECAUSE
IT'S TOO VIOLENT.
YEAH, SO, IT'S JUST...
SO, IT'S, THIS IS TOTALLY
NO GOOD?
RIGHT.
[LIGHTER CLICKING,
[WIND BLOWING...]
THOSE GLASSES ARE NOT COOL.
I'M COOL.
[...]
[...]
DA NA-NA NA, NA N...
[SCOFFS] ARE YOU COMING TO MY
PARTY TOMORROW?
UM, YES.
WELL, I'M GOING TO TRY TO.
YOU GOTTA COME, MAN.
YOU GOTTA SEE MY TRAILER.
NO, I WANT TO.
I HAVE A FRIEND IN FROM OUT OF
TOWN, SO...
WHAT FRIEND?
I MET HER ON CHATROULETTE,
ACTUALLY.
THE FIRST TIME I EVER WENT ON.
OH, GOD.
BUT SHE'S SUPER COOL.
SHE'S A JOURNALIST.
SHE WRITES ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENAND, UM...
AND YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH HER REALLY BAD.
AH, I DO, BUT SHE ACTUALLY
HAS A BOYFRIEND, SO...
[SCOFFS] KENT!
BUT, MAYBE SHE'LL HAVE
SUCH A FUN...
OH, YOUR LIFE IS JUST A
WRECK, KENT.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY.
GOOD, YEAH.
O.K.
O.K., UH, JUST PARK ON THE
STREET, IT'S HARD TO FIND.
AND I'll COME UP AND GET YOU.
O.K., COOL.
YAY!
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
[...]
UGH.
KATE!
HEY, KENT, HOW ARE YOU?
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!
LOOK WHO'S HERE!
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS THIS?
I JUST GOT THIS.
I'M TRYING TO BE A JOURNALIST.
OH, MY GOD.
WELCOME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HI! WOW.
HOW'S IT GOING?
YOU'RE SHORT.
YOU'RE TALL.
I MEAN, SHORTER... THAN ME.
SORRY.
YEAH.
YOU'RE TALLER THAN I... AM AND
ALSO THOUGHT YOU WERE.
IT'S REALLY GOOD TO BE IN
YOUR PRESENCE.
THIS ONE?
NOPE, KEEP GOING.
THAT ONE?
ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
O.K...
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[LAUGHS]
IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
CLOSET.
LIVING ROOM.
UH, I'M GOING TO PUYOUR BAG...
-PERFECT.
-HERE.
-THANK YOU.
ON THE SHAG.
YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING TO
PUT YOUR BED THERE.
-O.K.
THIS IS ALL YOUR AREA, SO...
OH, MY GOODNESS.
BABY CAT.
[KISSING SOUND]
-UM, SO, KATE...
-YES.
WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE FOR DINNER?
WHAT SHOULD WE MAKE?
HMM, THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION,
MY DEAR.
WE HAVE OLIVE OIL.
WHAT WOULD WE MAKE WITH
OLIVE OIL?
UM, PASTA?
PASTA.
WAIT, OH, I HAVE TO BUY
CAT LITTER.
[...]
OH.
[CHUCKLES] PARDON ME.
I'M SORRY.
OH, HI.
SORRY.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, SORRY... HELLO.
WHAT DID YOU THINK WE
WERE DOING?
I, UM, THOUGHT WE WERE
FIGHTING OVER THIS
DELICIOUS BEER.
Kent: WHAT WERE WE
TALKING ABOUT?
Kate: UM...
OH, YEAH, HOW LONG WERE YOU
GUYS TOGETHER?
ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
YEAH.
UM, LIKE FIVE YEARS?
YEAH.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
HAVE YOU... IS IT O.K. THAI'M ASKING YOU QUESTIONS?
YEAH.
O.K.
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING...
NO, YOU SHOULD ASK.
FELT WEIRD, LIKE...
DON'T WORRY.
UM, I GUESS I JUST, I JUSWANTED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
JUST FOR ME.
LIKE, I'M FEELING WEIRD AND
I'M LIKE...
YEAH, I APPRECIATE THAT.
I FEEL WEIRD TOO, AND...
[CAT MEOWS]
I REALLY LIKE YOU.
AND I, I DON'T WANT TO DO
ANYTHING TO, LIKE, MAKE YOUR
LIFE STRANGE.
OR JUST, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK
ANYTHING UP WITH ANYONE'S LIVES.
[CAT MEOWS, DOG BARKS]
AND I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
WHILE WE'RE HERE IN THIS MOMENT.
[DOG BARKS]
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
UM, LIKE 19.
IT'S A GOOD TIME TO...
AND YOU HAD, LIKE, FOOLED
AROUND WITH ONE GIRL?
A LITTLE BIT.
AND THEN YOU CAME OUTO YOUR PARENTS.
-YEAH.
YOU SAID, "I'M GAY."
YEAH.
WHAT DID THEY SAY?
"NO, YOU'RE NOT."
THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I AM."
AND THEN THEY SAID, "WELL, IF"
YOU'RE GAY THEN YOU ARE COMING
HOME FROM COLLEGE AND YOU'RE
GOING TO LIVE AT HOME AND YOU'RE
GOING TO WORK 40 HOURS A WEEK
AND GO TO SCHOOL, SO YOU WON'"HAVE TIME TO BE GAY."
AND I WAS LIKE, "O.K., I'M NOGAY, SORRY."
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAYOU WERE...
LIKE, DID YOU THINK YOU
WERE GAY?
-YEAH.
I WAS JUST, I DECIDED I WAS GAY.
I WAS JUST LIKE, "IT JUST MAKES
MORE SENSE."
LIKE, WOMEN ARE A
GENTLER SPECIES.
I JUST WOULD PREFER THEM.
I MEAN, THAT WAS THE CONCLUSION
I CAME TO, I WAS LIKE TAKEN...
THAT'S SO WEIRD.
'CAUSE DON'T YOU KNOW INSIDE?
LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU SEE A
GUY AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, THAT"
"GUY IS..." RIGHT?
I KNOW.
IT WAS ON A MORE INTELLECTUAL
PLANE THAN THAT.
WE DIDN'T LIKE SET A DATE
OR ANYTHING.
WE JUST...
SHE MOVED TO NEW YORK AND
WE WERE STILL DATING.
AND THEN AFTER A YEAR SHE WAS
LIKE, "WE'RE NOT GETTING"
"MARRIED," AND I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, I DON'T THINK WE ARE."
BUT THEN WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.
WOW.
YEAH, WE DATED FOR FOUR YEARS
BUT WE... IT WAS WEIRD.
WE WERE TELLING PEOPLE WE WERE
ENGAGED, AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
"CONGRATULATIONS," BUT IN THE
BACK OF MY MIND, I WAS LIKE...
"NO, WE'RE NOT."
YEAH, IT WAS JUST A...
IT WAS LIKE A TEMPORARY...
AND NOW, LOOKING BACK, I'M LIKE,
I KNOW THAT I WAS JUST...
I WANTED HER TO MOVE BACK
TO NEW YORK, LIKE, I WAS JUST...
SHE WAS MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND
AND...
IT WAS NOBLE.
I GUESS...
BUT IT SEEMS REALLY LAME.
NOW I LOOK BACK AND I'M LIKE,
OH, HER PARENTS WERE SO RIGHTO BE SKEPTICAL OF ME, LIKE,
"WHO IS THIS JOKER?"
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
-LIKE 18...
-WOW.
OR 19.
HI.
HI.
THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING
IN THIS INTERVIEW.
INTERVIEW OR INTERROGATION?
UM, I'll ASK THE QUESTIONS.
O.K. [LAUGHS]
O.K., FIRST QUESTION.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU
MY PHOTOGRAPHS.
YES.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
AND THEN THERE WAS A
PHOTOGRAPH THAT YOU...
IT WASN'T INTENDED FOR PUBLIC
CONSUMPTION.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN YOU PLEASE BE MORE
SPECIFIC?
LIKE, LET'S NOT...
THERE WAS A NAKED PHOTOGRAPH
THAT WAS NOT TO BE SEEN
BY ANYONE.
OF WHO?
OF YOURS TRULY.
AND, AND...
BUT I SAW IT BY ACCIDENT.
YOU DID, INDEED.
AND...
BUT NOW I CAN'T SEE IT?
RIGHT.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
SURE, KISS.
[CHUCKLES]
UM...
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
YEE-HA...
MMM...
IT'S LIKE WE'RE POSING
FOR A PHOTOBOOTH PICTURE.
WE SHOULD HELP A BROTHER OUT.
YEAH, SHOULD WE KISS?
-O.K.
-ALL RIGHT.
JUST FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
YEAH, WE'VE ACTUALLY
NEVER KISSED.
WE'RE JUST DOING THIS FOR
YOU, TO HELP YOU, NEW FRIEND.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THIS IS INSANE.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS REALLY INSANE.
RIGHT.
-WHY NOT?
-O.K.
I HAVE MEDICATION FOR THIS.
GOOD NIGHT.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[...]
MY FEET ARE COLD.
THEY ARE COLD.
THEY'RE REALLY COLD.
DO YOU WANT SOCKS?
UM...
WHAT ABOUT HUMAN SOCKS?
[BOTH LAUGH]
WHAT, I DON'T KNOW WHAYOU MEAN...
YEAH, LIKE YOUR HAND
IS REALLY PERFECT.
YEAH?
THAT'S PERFECT.
I HAVE WARM HANDS.
YES, YOU DO.
YOU KNOW WHY WOMEN, DO YOU
KNOW WHY YOUR HANDS AND FEEGET COLD?
AND MEN'S HANDS AND FEET ARE
USUALLY WARM?
BECAUSE WE'RE PROTECTING
OUR WOMBS?
YEAH!
I'M PROTECTING MY WOMB
RIGHT NOW.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THANKS FOR CARING FOR MY FEET.
[AIR PUMP WHIRRING...]
[WHIRRING STOPS]
OH! [LAUGHS]
HI.
HI.
THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ANYTHING FOR A PRETTY LADY.
[LAUGHS] THANK YOU.
I HAVE TO GO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
[COMPUTER GAME BEEPS AND CHIMES]
Game: Level complete.
[GAME BEEPS, PLAYS MUSIC...]
[BEEPING AND MUSIC CONTINUE...]
HEY, KATE? [KNOCKS]
YEAH?
DID YOU GET A TOWEL?
OOH, YES, I DID.
O.K.
WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING
FOR THE MEETING?
UM, I HAVE TO GO IN LIKE
HALF AN HOUR?
O.K.
SO, I'M JUST GETTING READY.
O.K.
YEAH.
[...]
AH, FUCK! AH... OOH, OOH.
AH, SH...
[...]
AH...
[...]
[BUBBLING...]
Kate: HOW DID YOU BREAK IT?
LIKE, I STILL DON'T GET IT.
Kent: I WAS CLEANING UP
AND I SPILLED WATER ON IT.
THAT SUCKS.
-I KNOW.
-YEAH.
I'M VERY CLUMSY.
WHOA.
YEAH, KEEP TALKING.
UM, ARE YOU ENJOYING
THIS CAMERA?
DO YOU THINK IT'S THE ONE?
I THINK IT'S A NICE CAMERA.
DOES MY FACE LOOK GOOD
WITH DIGITAL LIPS?
YEAH, KISS. KISS.
DO THE... YEAH.
[KISS]
[...]
[...]
[LAUGHS] HA! WHAT...
WHAT IS GOING ON?
WELCOME.
HEY, BUDDY.
YOU HAVE A GATE.
I HAVE A GATE.
IT'LL CLOSE BY ITSELF.
COME ON IN.
WHERE ARE WE?
[LAUGHS] WE'RE IN HOLLYWOOD,
BABY!
HA!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
UH, IT'S A PRODUCER.
THIS GUY THAT'S INTERESTED
IN ME.
IS HE HERE?
NO.
YOU'RE ALONE IN HERE.
YEAH.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHO IT IS?
NO.
WHY?!
HE LIVES HERE LIKE A COUPLE
WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR AND THEN
IT JUST SITS HERE.
IS IT SOMEBODY I KNOW?
[LAUGHS] NO.
I MEAN IT'S SOMEBODY YOU'VE
HEARD OF.
BUT NOT SOMEBODY YOU KNOW.
THIS IS AWESOME.
YOU WANT TO SEE AN ULTRASOUND
OF MY UNBORN CHILD?
YEAH. YEAH.
CAN YOU SEE, SORT OF?
I PUT THE LITTLE ARROWS THERE
AS A...
I CAN SEE THE ARROWS.
[LAUGHS] THAT'S...
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT'S THE
HEAD IS THIS SHAPE HERE.
AND THEN THAT'S THE ARM,
I THINK.
HONESTLY, IF IT DIDN'T SAY
"BABY", I WOULDN'T KNOW WHATHIS WAS.
IT LOOKS LIKE, LIKE "THIS IS OUR
NEAREST PLANET OUTSIDE OUR SOLAR
SYSTEM AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES
OF THE HUBBLE."
[LAUGHS]
OH, MAN!
I CAN GET USED TO THIS.
WANT TO EAT HERE?
JOE?
YEAH?
HOW'S IT GOING?
FINE.
UM, WHY ARE WE EATING INSIDE
AND NOT OUTSIDE?
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUNSCREEN
HERE.
AND I GET SUNBURNED REALLY
EASILY.
[LAUGHS]
SEE, YOU'RE ALREADY LAUGHING.
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ICUT TOGETHER.
[JOE LAUGHS, WIPES HIS HANDS...]
RIGHT.
I'M GONNA GO SWIMMING.
O.K.
WHOO!
WHOO...
I DON'T LIKE...
I GET OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS
BECAUSE I'M LIKE, I DON'T WANNA
FUCKING HAVE A DISCUSSION
ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GONNA EAT FOR
DINNER EVERY NIGHT.
THAT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.
AND WHEN I'M ALONE, I'M JUSLIKE... I CAN JUST SIT ON THE
COUCH UNTIL I'M HUNGRY AND THEN
EAT WHATEVER I WANT.
IT'S NOT LIKE, "HEY, WE NEED
TO COORDINATE.
WHAT ARE WE DOING
FOR BREAKFAST?"
I JUST WANT TO GO, "I'M GONNA
LIE HERE UNTIL I HAVE TO TAKE
A SHIT AND THEN I'M GONNA GEOUT OF BED."
[BOTH LAUGH]
IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S THE BEST.
YOUR VIEW OF MARRIAGE
IS VERY BLEAK.
IT'S A LOT MORE FUN THAN THAT.
YEAH, YEAH, NO, I JUST THINK
I MISSED THE BOAT.
I THINK IF I'D MET THE LOVE OF
MY LIFE WHEN I WAS 20 AND
WE WERE MARRIED NOW, IT WOULD
BE AWESOME.
BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT I'D BE LIKE,
"I'M SO GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER 20 YEARS.
I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU."
YEAH.
"YOU'RE THE ONE."
YEAH.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY
PATHETIC ABOUT DATING WHEN
YOU'RE 40.
IT'S LIKE...
IT'S, YOU KNOW... JUST...
THERE'S A DESPERATION YOU CAN'SCRUB OFF.
[BOTH LAUGH]
AND MY, MY...
MY PENIS USED TO LOOK SO YOUNG.
BUT NOW IT LOOKS SO OLD.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE ALL THE
WOMEN YOU'RE MEETING REALLY WANTO HAVE KIDS?
-YEAH.
AND THEY'RE FEELING LIKE
THEIR BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS
GOING CRAZY?
-YEAH, YEAH.
DOES THAT FREAK YOU OUT?
WELL, IT'S JUST, IT'S HARD
BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY DATING FOR
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THEN YOU
FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO HAVE THACONVERSATION.
BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "LOOK,
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE TIME,
LIKE DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS?"
AND I'M ALWAYS HONEST.
I'M LIKE, "WELL, I'M NOPLANNING ON IT."
AND THAT'S WHEN RELATIONSHIPS
END?
YEAH... OR I SAID TO ONE
GIRL, I WAS LIKE, "IF I MEESOMEONE AND I'M IN LOVE AND SHE
WANTS TO HAVE A KID, I'll HAVE
A KID WITH HER."
AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,
"I LOVE YOU."
[JOE LAUGHS]
AND I WAS LIKE, "CHECK, PLEASE!"
[JOE LAUGHS]
AND WE WERE AT THE MOVIES, SO
EVERYONE WAS LIKE "SHH!"
[BOTH LAUGH]
AH, KENT!
[...]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[CAR TIRE HITS CURB]
[...]
[KENT AND KATE TALKING FAINTLY]
Kent: SO, LIKE I SAID,
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE
EXCEPT FOR KEV.
Kate: YEAH?
SO WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY THALONG, IF YOU DON'T...
YEAH, LET'S DO WHATEVER.
I'M TOTALLY COOL.
[...]
[GENERAL CONVERSATIONS
[AND LAUGHTER]
Kev: AGHH!
TOES IS HERE!
MY TOES IS HERE!
Kent: HEY! [GRUNTS]
HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M GOOD.
WELL, WELCOME TO THE TRAILER
WHERE I KIND OF AM SLEEPING
SOMETIMES.
-YEAH.
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS
AND UH...
HEY, I'M KENT.
THIS IS KATE.
WHAT'S UP? HEY, I'M KEV.
Kate: HEY, KEV.
Kent: I BROUGHT SOME BEER.
Kev: YEAH, DRINK IT.
Kate: THANK YOU.
Kev: I DON'T CARE.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DRINK,
JUST DRINK SOMETHING.
TOES! YO! TOES!
YOU KNOW WHY I CALL HIM "TOES"?
WAIT, FIRST, YOU KNOW WHY
I CALL HIM "TOES"?
HE LET A GIRL SUCK
HIS TOES AND HE LOVED IT.
AGHH!
Kent, mortified: OH, MY GOD.
AND YOU KNOW WHY I CALL HIM
"TIES"?
BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE MOVIE
SCHOOL TIES WITH FUCKIN'
BRENDAN FRASER AND MATT DAMON.
TIES, TOES, T.K.O., TIES OZ...
[RAPPING] BA-BIB-BIB-BIB-BORN,
BE BORN, TIED TO HIS O-FACE
YO, KENT NEED A NEW CHICK
LIKE O.J. NEED A NEW CASE.
WHAT?!
[MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND...]
SO KENT, ARE YOU GONNA DO ANY
COCK TRICKS?
UH, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE
EARLY IN THE EVENING.
AND, UH...
Kev: HE DOES COCK TRICKS FOR
CELEBRITIES AROUND THE WHOLE
NATION, MOSTLY L.A., BUT...
HEY GUYS!
Kent: YEAH, MAN, WAIT!
YOU'RE MISSING THE...
HEY, YO-YO, GUTH-GUTH!
GUTH, LILS!
Kent: KEV... KEV...
LITTLE LILS AND GUTH!
COME HERE!
LISTEN, YOU'RE MISSING
THE POINT.
[WOMAN COUGHING...]
THE POINT IS THAT YOU'RE
THE BEST COCK TRICK MASTER
OF LOS ANGELES.
YEAH, BUT IT'S...
HEY, GUTHRIE!
[KENT SIGHS]
HEY, EVERYBODY, COME HERE!
IT'S 'CAUSE OF THE GIRL.
AND IF YOU JUST...
O.K., BUT JUST...
SHE, BELIEVE ME, SHE ALREADY
LIKES YOU.
SHE ALREADY KNOWS THAT YOU DO
COCK TRICKS.
SHE'S NOT GONNA NOT...
SHE PROBABLY LIKES YOU BECAUSE
YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD
DO COCK TRICKS FOR EVERYONE.
SHH... HEY, HEY...
SO, JUST DO THEM.
IT'S SO GOOD.
EVERYBODY WILL BE LAUGHING AT IAND YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE THAT.
IT GIVES YOU LOVE, YOU'RE LIKE,
"YES, EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING
AT ME! I'M KENT OSBORNE!"
KEV! KEV! KEV!
STOP. STOP. STOP.
JUST HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND, RIGHT?
HELP ME OUT.
-MM-HMM.
STOP, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
STOP TALKING ABOUCOCK TRICKS?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
O.K., FINE, FINE.
-O.K.?
-FINE, FINE.
[ITALIAN ACCENT] 'SCUSE ME
LADIES AND GENTLEMALINI!
[LAUGHS]
GENTLEMALINI.
I NOW WILL PRESENT TO YOU
A SIGHT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET IN
YOUR WHOLE LIVES AS LONG AS YOU
LIVE AND HIS NAME IS KENOSBORNE AND HIS PENIS IS A
GLORIOUS THING.
HE WILL NOW PRESENT THE COCK
TRICKS FOR EVERYONE TONIGHT.
I PRESENT KENT OSBORNE.
PLEASE STAND BEFORE ME, KENT.
BEFORE THIS TREE!
Crowd, chanting: COCK TRICKS,
COCK TRICKS, COCK TRICKS,
COCK TRICKS, COCK TRICKS...
GET IN THERE! GO!
Crowd: WHOO!
[APPLAUSE]
I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN TO DO IT.
AND I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO
VANISH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE, UM,
THIS HAS BEEN BUILT UP WAY
TOO MUCH.
-Kev: WHAT'S WRONG?
I CAN'T DO COCK TRICKS
ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE SCAR
TISSUE AROUND MY TESTICLES AND
I WENT TO MY DOCTOR BECAUSE I
THOUGHT IT WAS CANCER AND HE
SAID, "DON'T DO STRENUOUS THINGS
WITH YOUR SCROTUM".
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH, AND I'M SORRY, THAT'S
WHY I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO
KNOCK IT OFF ALL NIGHT.
AND YOU JUST FUCKING LOOKED ME
IN THE EYE AND SAID, "O.K.,
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT ON MONDAY."
AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW THAT I...
THE MUSIC'S OFF AND I'M THE
ONLY ONE TALKING.
I'll TURN THE MUSIC ON, THEN.
AND I'M NOT, I LOVE YOU, OF
COURSE, I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYBODY
BECAUSE...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE HAMBURGER!
[CROWD CHEERS]
[...]
[...]
HEY, KENT.
YEAH?
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
UH, NOTHIN'.
ME EITHER.
YOU WANNA DO NOTHIN' TOGETHER?
UH, SURE.
OH, GOOD.
WHEN YOU MASTURBATE, YOU JUSUSE YOUR IMAGINATION?
YEAH.
FANTASY TIME.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU LOOK AT PORN?
MM-HMM.
WERE YOU LOOKING AT PORN
JUST NOW?
-MAYBE.
WHAT? REALLY?
MAYBE.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
JUST GETTING READY FOR BED.
[LAUGHS]
OH...
YEAH, WELL...
A LITTLE NIGHTCAP?
I USUALLY MASTURBATE ONCE
A DAY.
WHAT TIME OF DAY?
DID I INTRUDE?
NO, NO, NO, NO, I...
NO, I WASN'T GOING TO, I WAS,
JUST, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW...
RIGHT, I WAS RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU HAVE A
HOUSEGUEST, YOU DON'T...
SMACK IT, LOUDLY?
AS MUCH, YEAH.
UM, THAT'S PROBABLY PRUDENT.
BUT, IT'S NICE.
IT'S NICE, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU
LEAVE, IT'LL BE A NICE LITTLE...
I MEAN, IT'LL BE SAD, BUT...
WELCOME HOME.
BUT THEN I'll LIKE...
GET TO MASTURBATE, SO...
YOU CAN MASTURBATE.
I'M NOT GOING TO STOP YOU.
I'M ONE OF THOSE COOL
HOUSEGUESTS.
LIKE, JUST DO WHAT YOU NORMALLY
DO, PLEASE.
REALLY?
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
O.K.
GOOD TO KNOW.
YEAH.
GO RIGHT NOW, I'M FINE.
YEAH?
YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH?
ALL RIGHT.
[SNORTS LAUGH]
YOU... YOU WOULD WATCH ME
MASTURBATE?
WHY NOT?
ARE YOU JOKING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'll WATCH YOU MASTURBATE.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS?
YES.
O.K., SO I TAKE A PILLOW.
YEAH.
PUT IT UNDER THE SHEET.
VERY NICE.
AND THEN I JUST LIKE,
THERE...
-WOW.
-YEAH.
AND THEN I'll PUT SOME...
MY COMPUTER OR...
ON THE BED?
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
AND THAT'S IT.
AW, HE'S A PILLOW HUMPER.
YEAH, PILLOW HUMPER.
I MEAN, SO SOMETIMES, PILLOW
DOWN LIKE THIS.
OR JUST LIKE NO PILLOW.
SORRY, PILLOW.
AND THEN JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, JUST KIND OF WRITHING
AROUND, AND LIKE...
BUT NEVER ON YOUR BACK?
NO, I JUST CAN'T.
WE'D BE SO INCOMPATIBLE.
WE'D BE LIKE TWO TOPS,
NO BOTTOM. [LAUGHS]
-YEAH.
I KNOW.
[MARKER SCRAPING ON PAPER]
[...]
[BUBBLING]
[COUGHING]
[COUGHING]
WOW, I'M, I'M... O.K.
MAYBE I'M WALKING TOO FAST,
I'M OUT OF BREATH.
MY... LIPS ARE CHAPPED.
I'M HIGH, BY THE WAY.
I'M TOTALLY BAKED.
I'M GOING TO GET EGGS.
WALKING DOWN A VERY STEEP HILL.
[TRAFFIC PASSING]
MY LIFE IS A BIT OF A WRECK.
AND I'M THE ONE DRIVING, I'M THE
ONE GETTING INTO THE WRECKS.
GETTIN' INTO THE WRECKS,
GETTIN' INTO THE WRECKS.
[WIND BLOWING]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[...]
[...]
[...]
THAT IS A GREAT PICTURE.
I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE A REAL,
IT'S NOT LIKE...
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT LOOKS LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.
YEAH, IT'S GORGEOUS.
THIS CAN'T BE REAL.
"HI, I HEAR THAT CRAIG'S LIST IS
GOOD FOR FULFILLING OR DASHING
FANTASIES.
I HAVE A FANTASY OF MEETING A
BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, FUNNY
WOMAN WHO ALSO MAYBE HASN'T HAD
MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH OTHER
WOMAN... WOMEN... BUT WHO WANTS
TO EXPLORE LIKE WE'RE
TWO NEW BOOKS OPENING EACH
OTHER'S PAGES.
OR MAYBE THERE'S A LIBRARIAN
WHO OPENS OUR PAGES AT THE
"SAME TIME."
WHOA, THAT'S SO HOT.
[LAUGH]
"IS ANYONE OUT THERE
A LIBRARIAN?'
DARN!
WOW, SHE'S... "WHO IS GOOD ATURNING ON TWO WOMEN AT ONCE.
I'M MOSTLY JUST CURIOUS TO MEEANOTHER BI GIRL WHO ISN'T GOING
TO JUDGE ME FOR HAVING
LOOSE-KNIT FANTASIES THAT MAY OR
MAY NOT INVOLVE LIBRARIANS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT TITS AND THEN
DOSTOYEVSKY.
LET'S RELATE ABOUT ALL THE GUYS
WE'VE BLOWN WHO DIDN'T GO
DOWN ON US.
LET'S MAKE UP NATION STATES RUN
"BY SAPPHO AND BEETHOVEN."
"LOOKING FOR A COMPATRIOT".
WOW.
MAYBE SHE'S A VEGETARIAN.
LOOK, LIQUID AMINOS.
I EAT THOSE.
REALLY?
YEAH.
UM... ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE IT.
YOU SHOULD WRITE BACK.
YOU SHOULD.
HMM?
I JUST FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TO
IMPRESS HER, A LITTLE BIT.
SHE'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
SHE'S PRETTY SMART.
I DON'T KNOW ANY OF HER
REFERENCES.
OH... WHERE DO WE...
JUST GO AHEAD.
YOU'RE SMART.
SAY, LIKE... JUST BE HONEST.
JUST SAY YOU'RE OUT HERE
VISITING A GOOD FRIEND.
I MEAN...
AS A BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT,
FUNNY WOMAN I CAN... THAT I...
TOO ENJOY EXPLORING.
YOU, YEAH, I THINK
THAT'S GOOD.
AND THEN ASK, SAY...
SHOULD WE JUST TAKE A PICTURE
OF OURSELVES?
LIKE, WITH, WITH...
I THINK IT SHOULD, YEAH,
THAT'S...
ALL RIGHT. READY?
WE HAVE TO LOOK THERE.
O.K.
O.K.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
BE SEXY.
I CAN'T. [LAUGHS]
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
OOH.
THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE.
IT'S REALLY LIKE OUR WORSFEATURES.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE IT.
HOLD ON.
LET'S MOVE THIS BACK.
WHAT IF I SLOUCH A LITTLE?
YOU SHOULD...
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
I SHOULD GO UP.
O.K.
-ALL RIGHT.
-ARE WE GOOD?
-YEAH.
-I THINK WE LOOK GOOD.
-O.K.
O.K.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S O.K.
I'M WAITING FOR THE COUNT.
[LAUGHS]
-O.K.
THIS IS GONNA...
THREE, TWO, ONE.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
OH, NO, IT'S TERRIBLE.
WE TOTALLY SAW WORSE
THAN THAT... THAT'S FINE.
WE HAVE TO JUST SEND THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A
PERFECTIONIST.
BUT, I'M NOT EVEN HARD.
THAT'S FINE!
WAIT, CAN WE TAKE ONE MORE?
I'M SORRY, CAN WE JUST TAKE
ONE MORE, PLEASE?
IMPROMPTU... O.K.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BLOW
THIS BECAUSE I'M NOT STRETCHED
OUT PROPERLY. O.K.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M ROLLING.
YOU'RE ROLLING.
YEAH, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I'M NERVOUS AND EXCITED AND
WE'RE ABOUT TO GO MEEJOSEPHINE.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE
THIS BEFORE?
NO, NOT THIS.
LIKE, I MEAN, MEETING SOMEONE ON
CRAIG'S LIST?
RIGHT.
NO.
Kent: HI.
Josephine: HI.
Kate: HI.
CAN YOU SEE US?
Kent: BARELY.
I CAN SEE THE CANDLES.
MMM.
Josephine: CAN YOU SEE US
NOW?
Kate: WE'RE LIKE TWO BRIGHLIGHTS IN A DARK, DARK BAR.
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR...]
Josephine: SO, KENT?
YES?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I LIVE HERE.
I MEAN, WERE YOU FROM HERE?
OH, OH, I GREW UP IN VERMONT.
OH.
OH, YOU'RE A FARM BOY.
UH, SORT OF.
WELL, I WAS BORN IN NEW JERSEY.
O.K.
AND THEN I MOVED TO VERMONWHEN I WAS FOUR.
SO AND UM, UH, SORRY, I'M A
LITTLE DISTRACTED. [LAUGHS]
Both: OOH, UH!
[KENT LAUGHS]
I'M KIND OF A LIGHTWEIGHT.
I'M ONLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO
HANDLE ONE MORE DRINK BEFORE
I'M GOOD.
YEAH.
WELL, THEN.
Kent: WHY IS NO ONE LOOKING
AT ME?
WHAT?
OH, SORRY.
YOU'RE THERE? HI!
WE WERE...
I'M HAPPY WITH EITHER ONE.
SHE'S HAPPY WITH ANYTHING.
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE...
[GLASS BREAKING]
OH, MY GOD.
OH, OH, NO.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?
Kent: I BACKED INTO IT.
I HAVE TO PUT THIS AWAY
RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
DO WE GO TO THE FRONT AND SAY
WE BROKE...
Kate: YEAH, LET'S JUSCONFESS.
-O.K.
AWESOME. THANKS. SORRY.
Man: NO PROBLEM.
I'M SORRY.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Kate: BYE.
Josephine: BYE.
Kate: LOOK, HE'S CARRYING
EVERYTHING.
Josephine: OH, HE'S SUCH
A MAN, HE'S TAKING CARE OF US.
Kate: I KNOW, LOOK AT THAT.
Kent: ALL RIGHT.
Josephine: OH, THANKS.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
[CORK POPS]
Josephine: OH, NICE.
SO PAINLESS!
GOOD. [LAUGHS]
AWESOME.
O.K., CHEERS.
CHEERS.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS FUN.
Kate: YEAH, THIS IS GREAT.
Josephine: IT'S SO GREAT TO
MEET YOU.
-WANT A TOUR?
-Josephine: SURE.
-YEAH?
UH, KITCHEN.
AWESOME.
O.K., COOL.
PANTRY.
Josephine: MM-HMM.
Kent: BATHROOM.
GOTCHA.
THIS IS THE HALLWAY.
O.K.
THIS IS THE FIRST PIECE OF
ART I EVER BOUGHT.
OH.
[LAUGHS]
WOW.
IT'S JUXTAPOSITION ART.
THIS IS THE LIGHTS!
LIVING ROOM!
NICE.
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE YOU HAVE.
THANKS.
I LIKE YOUR STATE OF THE ARVIEWING MATERIALS.
YES.
OOH, GOSH.
SOME BOOKS.
Kate: BOOKS.
Josephine: YOU HAVE SOME
SERIOUS STUFF.
I CAN MASTURBATE
TO A PRAYING MANTIS.
Kate: REALLY?
LIKE... WELL, JUST A FEMALE
LIKE, AT...
-RIGHT.
LIKE EATING ME AS I'M...
BUT THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY.
-RIGHT, LIKE...
-YOU DON'REALLY WANT THAT BUT IT'S
FUN TO THINK ABOUT.
RIGHT. I CAN FANTASIZE ABOUBEING RAPED IN PRISON...
RIGHT... HOT!
BUT IF IT WERE TO REALLY
HAPPEN...
-NOT SO HOT.
IT WOULD BE THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU DO OR YOU DON'T HAVE
RAPE, MALE RAPE FANTASIES?
NO, I MEAN, LIKE, O.K., ONE
NIGHT I WAS REALLY BORED AND I
FANTASIZED THAT I WAS RAPED
BY A BUNCH OF MEN.
WHILE MASTURBATING?
IT'S A FANTASY.
YEAH, LIKE I... YEAH.
BUT YOU GOT OFF
ON THAT... IDEA?
IT WAS A, IT WAS ACTUALLY, IWAS A CRAIG'S LIST POSTING.
AND IT WAS LIKE, "HEY, ANYBODY"
WANT TO COME OVER?
WE'VE GOT THIS GUY TIED UP AND
WE'RE, LIKE, WE'RE FUCKING HIM
"IN EVERY HOLE" AND... AND THATURNED ME ON... I WAS LIKE,
"OH, THAT'S TURNING ME ON."
BUT I REMEMBER THINKING, LIKE,
IF THAT WAS... REALLY HAPPENED,
I WOULD... IT WOULD BE AWFUL.
-YEAH.
-WOW.
WELL, THERE'S A DARK PLACE
THAT HAPPENS, I THINK.
I MEAN, I'VE HAD...
I THINK MOST YOUNG GIRLS...
LIKE, WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 11 AND
HADN'T STARTED MASTURBATING
AND I WAS LIKE... I REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY WISHED SOMETHING
WAS GOING ON IN THAT AREA AND
WOULD HAVE RAPE FANTASIES, BUI... I THINK IT WAS, I DON'KNOW... YEAH, IF IT REALLY
HAPPENED, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
REALLY MESSED UP AND SAD.
-RIGHT. -BUT, UM...
-YEAH.
A LOT OF WOMEN HAVE RAPE
FANTASIES... I JUST NEVER TALKED
TO A MAN WHO DID.
SO... YOU'RE A FIRST.
I DIDN'T START MASTURBATING
UNTIL, LIKE, REALLY RECENTLY,
LIKE THE LAST FOUR YEARS.
-Kent: REALLY?
-YEAH.
Kate: WHAT CHANGED THINGS?
UM... A VIBRATOR. [LAUGHS]
Kate: WHAT KIND OF VIBRATOR?
A VERY SIMPLE ONE, BUT...
ACTUALLY IT WAS A MINDSETHAT CHANGED, BUT IT WAS ALSO
THE VIBRATOR.
I THINK I JUST WAS... WHEN I WAS
YOUNG I NEVER DID IT BECAUSE IN
TEXAS, LIKE, YOU JUST WERE
TAUGHT, LIKE, "DO NOT TALK ABOUSEXUALITY, IT'S GROSS,"
AND THEN, UM... I MEAN,
WHATEVER KIND OF SEXUALITY.
IT DIDN'T MATTER IF IT WAS,
LIKE, HOMOSEXUALITY, BISEXUALITY
OR HETEROSEXUALITY, LIKE, YOU
JUST DIDN'T TALK ABOUT WHAT WAS
GOING ON, AND THEN... SO, I
WOULD ASK MY FRIENDS, "LIKE, SO
DO YOU GUYS MASTURBATE?"
'CAUSE I KNEW GUYS DID IT,
AND MY GIRLFRIENDS WERE LIKE,
"NO... UGH, THAT IS SO GROSS.
I WOULD NEVER, NEVER DO THAT."
AND THEN I FOUND OUT, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, 10 TO 12 YEARS LATER THAT,
YES, OF COURSE THEY WERE ALL
MASTURBATING, EVEN THOUGH...
BUT NOBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT IT.
Kate: THAT'S PRETTY
FASCINATING.
-Kent: YEAH.
AND SO, I WAS JUST LIKE,
"WELL, NOBODY DOES THAT,
THAT'S GROSS, SINCE..."
Kent: HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
OH, OLD. [LAUGHS]
700 YEARS OLD?
HE'S VERY IMMATURE THOUGH...
[JOSEPHINE LAUGHS]
SO IT CANCELS OUA LOT OF THE TIME.
NO, I JUST... I RECENTLY
TURNED 40.
OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THANKS.
SO YOU... THAT'S NOT OLD.
WHY DO YOU FEEL OLD?
I NEVER DID UNTIL I TURNED
40, BUT... YOU KNOW, I'M
HANDLING IT. -O.K.
-O.K.
[ALL LAUGH]
[BONG BUBBLING,
[WOMEN TALKING IN BACKGROUND]
Josephine: I LOVED IT AND
I FELT SO CONNECTED TO HER.
I WAS LIKE, I REALLY NEED
TO PUT MYSELF OUT THERE MORE
AND MEET MORE GIRLS.
-YEAH.
-HENCE, TONIGHT.
-YAY!
-SEEMS LIKE A VERY...
BRAZEN WAY OF DOING IT, I GUESS,
BUT, LIKE, SOMETIMES YOU JUST...
YOU GOT TO TAKE A RISK.
YOU MAKE YOUR...
YOU MAKE YOUR, UH, DESTINY.
YES, YOU DO... YEAH.
KENT, ARE YOU GONNA...
COME JOIN US?
UM... YEAH.
[HEAVY BREATHING...]
[KENT MOANS]
[WOMEN MOAN AND GIGGLE]
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
MMM, THANK YOU.
[WHISPERS]: SO ARE YOU...
[...]
[...]
Josephine: THAT WAS
DIFFERENT.
I'M GONNA RUN TO THE BATHROOM.
I'll BE RIGHT BACK.
[...]
[KATE SIGHS]
Kent: [LAUGHS] WHAT ARE
YOU...? WHAT'S GOING ON?
KATE?
I MEAN, IT WAS GOOD, RIGHT?
I'M JUST WAITING FOR HER.
I DON'T WANT TO LIKE...
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING
A MOVIE... SOMEONE HAS TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM, YOU JUSPAUSE THE MOVIE.
Josephine: WOW, IT'S REALLY
HOT AND HEAVY IN HERE.
Kent: YEAH. [LAUGH]
SORRY TO BREAK IT UP...
I JUST HAD TO...
Kate: HI! HI, HI...
[JOSEPHINE LAUGHS]
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE, COME HERE...
OH, DON'T GO ANYWHERE
EVER AGAIN.
WAIT, YOU PUT THIS BACK ON?
I... WELL, I WAS JUST...
I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU
A BIT OF A SURPRISE.
HERE, I'll TAKE IT OFF.
COME HERE...
HI... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY
LIFE? [LAUGHING AND SIGHING]
YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME MEETING
YOU TOO.
ENJOY THOSE.
THANKS... YEAH, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR THESE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANTHIS ONE? SLING BLADE?
YEAH, YEAH... NO, I'M GLAD...
YOU'RE DOING ME A FAVOR.
THAT'S A REALLY... THAT'S
LIKE... I APPRECIATE IT.
YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE.
-GOOD NIGHT.
-BYE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YEAH, IT'S BEEN AWESOME.
YEAH. STAY, STAY WARM.
HEY, LOOK, THE SUN IS COMING UP.
Kate: WOW... OH, MY GOD.
NIGHTY-NIGHT.
GOOD MORNING.
Josephine: GOOD NIGHT.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
SEE YOU... IN THE FUTURE.
Kate: YES.
Josephine: BYE.
Both: BYE.
[AIR PUMP WHIRRING...]
[PEN CLATTERS ON DESK]
Kent: ARE YOU O.K.?
I'M FINE... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M TOTALLY FINE.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEEM IT,
LIKE, YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE YOU.
[THROATY GROWLING]
DID YOU FEEL THAT?
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
HOT AIR! HOT AIR!
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
[THROATY GROWLING]
DID YOU... DID YOU HEAR THE
SOUND OF, LIKE, HELL?
LISTEN.
[THROATY ROAR]
O.K., LET'S, LET'S RIDE
AROUND ON THE CHAIR.
RIDING ON THE CHAIR...
KATE, KATE, WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I WANT TO BE NEAR YOU.
O.K., YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU...
YOU SEE, WE'RE... THIS IS
LIKE WE'RE BOYFRIEND AND
GIRLFRIEND, BUT WE'RE NOHAVING SEX, WHICH IS...
THAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEING A
BOYFRIEND AND A GIRLFRIEND.
NO... I MEAN, IT'S A GREAPART.
-WHAT DO YOU WANT...?
-I JUST...
-REALLY? LIKE...
CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP?
-REALLY?
-CAN I SIT ON YOUR
LAP? -NO! -PLEASE?
-NO.
-PLEASE?
-NO.
-ROCK ME LIKE A BABY.
-NO.
ROCK ME LIKE A BABY, JUST...
PAL?
WE'RE PALS, RIGHT?
REALLY? LIKE, YOU NEED ME TO
HELP YOU RIGHT NOW FEEL...
I, I... MY MIND IS BEING BLOWN
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU SAID,
"GO WORK, I'M GONNA SIT HERE,"
AND NOW... I DON'T...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LIKE...
[PURRING]
[CHUCKLES]
[PURRING]
[MEWING]
[HISSING]
YOU WANT TO BE KITTIES?
LET'S BE KITTIES.
LET'S BE KITTIES...
KATE, YOU'RE... O.K.,
NOW I ACTUALLY AM STARTING
TO GET A LITTLE MAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
WE'RE JUST KITTIES.
WE'RE JUST BABY KITTIES.
CAN I... I GOTTA WORK.
I GOTTA GET THIS...
I'll JUST BE RIGHT HERE.
I'M JUST GONNA BE REALLY...
I JUST WANNA BE NEAR YOU.
KENT?
WHY ARE YOU SO MAD?
[KATE CRYING AND SNIFFLING...]
[KATE SIGHS]
HEY... HEY, LISTEN.
I'M, I'M SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY, O.K.?
[SNIFFLES]
HEY, KATE, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M, I'M, I'M JUST HUNG OVER
AND I'M TIRED AND I'M JUST...
I DIDN'T TAKE MY WELLBUTRIN
YESTERDAY AND I'M... I'M JUSBEING A... A BABY 'CAUSE WE'RE
NOT... WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
[LAUGHS] YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I'M... I'M SO SORRY.
I'M NOT... COME HERE.
[KATE SOBS, SNIFFLES]
COME HERE.
HEY, DON'T CRY, O.K.?
THIS WAS SUCH A FUN WEEKEND.
THIS WAS, LIKE, AWESOME.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
[KATE SNIFFLES]
LIKE, SERIOUSLY.
I'M SO SORRY... I WAS, UM...
I WAS BEING A DICK AND I'M,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
LIKE, I, I'M...
YOU'RE SO...
YOU'RE AWESOME, O.K.?
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
[GRUNTING]
ALL RIGHT.
DRIVE SAFE.
THANK YOU.
HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT BACK.
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR THE WEEKEND.
YEAH, YOU TOO.
THIS WAS FUN.
IT WAS FUN.
SUN'S BRIGHT.
YEAH.
HOW'S THAT?
GOOD.
YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOTTA GO.
YEAH, I GOTTA GO.
I DON'T WANT TO MISS MY FLIGHT.
O.K., WE'RE GOOD?
-YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
-O.K.
THANKS.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
O.K.
BYE.
[KISS]
WRITE ON MY WALL.
BE IN TOUCH.
[...]
[...]
[...]
[KISSING SOUND]
[CAT MEOWS]
[DIAL CLICKING]
[MUFFLED CONVERSATION ON VIDEO]
[KENT LAUGHS]
[BUBBLING]
Bow, bow, bow.
Bow, bow, bow.
See, he knows something's up.
Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.
[LAUGHTER]
Woman: You have to do it,
Uncle Kent!
Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow...
[LAUGHTER]
[BABY LAUGHS]
Baby: A ba ba.
Bow, bow, bow...
[LAUGHTER]
Baby: Ma ma.
Bow, bow, bow...
[BABY LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Baby: Ba ba ba ba.
Bow, bow, bow...
[LAUGHTER]
[CAT MEOWS]
[KENT CLICKS HIS TONGUE]
COME HERE.
[CAT MEOWS LOUDLY]
WHAT?
[CAT MEOWS]
WHAT?
[CAT MEOWS]
WHAT?
KITTY, HEY, CAT.
[DISGUSTED] AH...
NO, NO, NO.
HEY, COME HERE.
[CAT MEOWS]
[CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY]
[CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY]
[CAT HISSES]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
Josephine: I JUST HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM, I'll BE
RIGHT BACK.
Kate: WHAT?
SO I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T UNDERSTAND.
WHY IS A RABBIT WEARING A
HUMAN SKELETON COSTUME?
BECAUSE A RABBIT WOULD HAVE A
RABBIT SKELETON COSTUME.
NO, NO.
IT'S A HUMAN SKELETON
WEARING A RABBIT COSTUME.
OH, ONE OF THE HUMAN
SKELETONS IS WEARING THE RABBICOSTUMES TO FOOL THEM?
YEAH, AND THEN...
JUST FOR THE, JUST FOR
THE ONE BIT?
-YEAH.
I DON'T THINK THAT MAKES
ANY SENSE.
I THINK YOU SHOULD CUT IT.
WELL, IT'S JUST THAT...
WELL, BECAUSE...
YEAH, WELL, I'M THE
DIRECTOR, SO...
BUT THAT IS A GOOD IDEA.
YES, SIR!
SO, ACTUALLY THIS IS GONNA BE
TOO LONG, SO LET'S ACTUALLY CUTHAT, 'CAUSE I DON'T THINK IT'S
THAT FUNNY.
GOOD IDEA.
[...]
THIS IS HARD.
-FUCK.
HOW DO YOU DO THIS EVERY DAY?
CAN YOU SEE, CAN YOU
READ THAT? THAT, THAT...
WHAT? CAN I READ WHAT?
DUDE, I CAN READ THIS FROM LIKE
ACROSS THE ROOM.
NO, NO. GET IT CLOSE TO
YOUR FACE.
I CAN READ THIS FROM AN INCH
OR, LIKE, 10 FEET, MAN.
I GOT PERFECT EYESIGHT.
I'VE BEEN DOING... I'VE NEVER
DONE THIS IN MY LIFE.
WHAT, MOVING SOMETHING AWAY?
THAT'S WHAT MY MOM DOES.
THAT'S WHAT MY DAD DOES.
I FEEL LIKE MY DAD.
WE'RE ALL BECOMING OUR DADS.
THERE'S NO WAY AROUND IT.
I USED TO HAND MY DAD, LIKE,
"SIGN THIS PERMISSION SLIP" AND
HE'D GO...
BUT NOW I'M DOING THAT.
SO, THEN GET GLASSES.
I NEED GLA... NO, I WENT TO
MY DOCTOR AND I SAID...
I THOUGHT I NEEDED GLASSES.
AND HE SAID TO GO TO THE
PHARMACY AND GET THOSE
MAGNIFYING READING GLASSES.
THOSE ARE GOING TO BE
SO LAME.
YOU SEE MY NEW GLASSES?
[MAKES BLAST-OFF SOUND]
[...]
WHAT IS THAT?
IS THAT SOME KIND OF POD?
Man: IT'S MY NEW CAMERA.
OH, IT'S ONE OF THOSE,
LIKE, UH, U.S.B. CAMS?
[ELECTRONIC LAUGH FROM KEYBOARD]
[BOTH LAUGH]
[ELECTRONIC LAUGH FROM KEYBOARD]
WAIT, DO THAT AGAIN.
BUT, LIKE, YEAH.
LIKE, WAIT, I'll TELL YOU
A JOKE AND THEN...
HEY, WHY IS SIX AFRAID OF SEVEN?
WHY'S THAT?
'CAUSE SEVEN ATE NINE.
[ELECTRONIC LAUGH FROM KEYBOARD]
[...]
SO, AT THE ADVICE FROM MY
EYE DOCTOR, I'M GETTING SOME
READING GLASSES.
WOW.
[...]
[MUFFLED VOICES ON COMPUTER...]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[...]
HOW'S IT GOING?
[...]
[MUFFLED VOICES FROM COMPUTER]
[...]
ALL RIGHT, ALMOST DONE.
HOLD ON.
Voices from computer:
Wow... Wow... Yes!
[APPLAUSE]
[...]
[KISSING SOUNDS]
WHAT'S THAT?
WHAT'S THAT?
[KISSING SOUND]
[...]
[BUBBLING]
[...]
[KEYBOARD CLICKING]
[...]
[BIRDS CHIRPING...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
HOW THOSE GLASSES WORK...
TREATIN' YA?
THEY WORK, ACTUALLY.
LOOK, I CAN'T DRAW WHILE
YOU'RE DOING THAT.
THAT'S NOT GOOD.
[BOTH LAUGH]
JUST THE SHOULDERS.
JUST THE SHOULDERS.
SLOW IT DOWN, SLOW IT DOWN.
O.K.
[MOANS]
THE SKELETON IS GREAT, BUT I
THINK DAVE WANTS THE GUITAR
TO BE BIGGER.
HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO LOOK
LIKE A GUN.
SO, I THINK...
DOES IT NEED TO BE LIKE,
LIKE A, UM...
IT'S GOT TO LOOK LIKE THIS.
LIKE AN ACOUSTIC GUITAR,
THOUGH?
THAT BIG?
YEAH, LIKE IT'S ON HIS BACK.
HE'S LIKE RUNNING WITH IT ON HIS
BACK, 'CAUSE HE DOESN'T WANT ITO LOOK LIKE...
OH, HE DOESN'T WANT IT TO
BE LIKE A MACHINE GUN BECAUSE
IT'S TOO VIOLENT.
YEAH, SO, IT'S JUST...
SO, IT'S, THIS IS TOTALLY
NO GOOD?
RIGHT.
[LIGHTER CLICKING,
[WIND BLOWING...]
THOSE GLASSES ARE NOT COOL.
I'M COOL.
[...]
[...]
DA NA-NA NA, NA N...
[SCOFFS] ARE YOU COMING TO MY
PARTY TOMORROW?
UM, YES.
WELL, I'M GOING TO TRY TO.
YOU GOTTA COME, MAN.
YOU GOTTA SEE MY TRAILER.
NO, I WANT TO.
I HAVE A FRIEND IN FROM OUT OF
TOWN, SO...
WHAT FRIEND?
I MET HER ON CHATROULETTE,
ACTUALLY.
THE FIRST TIME I EVER WENT ON.
OH, GOD.
BUT SHE'S SUPER COOL.
SHE'S A JOURNALIST.
SHE WRITES ABOUT THE ENVIRONMENAND, UM...
AND YOU JUST WANT TO HAVE SEX
WITH HER REALLY BAD.
AH, I DO, BUT SHE ACTUALLY
HAS A BOYFRIEND, SO...
[SCOFFS] KENT!
BUT, MAYBE SHE'LL HAVE
SUCH A FUN...
OH, YOUR LIFE IS JUST A
WRECK, KENT.
[LAUGHS]
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
HEY.
GOOD, YEAH.
O.K.
O.K., UH, JUST PARK ON THE
STREET, IT'S HARD TO FIND.
AND I'll COME UP AND GET YOU.
O.K., COOL.
YAY!
ALL RIGHT, BYE.
[...]
UGH.
KATE!
HEY, KENT, HOW ARE YOU?
IT'S SO GOOD TO SEE YOU!
LOOK WHO'S HERE!
OH, MY GOD.
WHAT IS THIS?
I JUST GOT THIS.
I'M TRYING TO BE A JOURNALIST.
OH, MY GOD.
WELCOME.
THANK YOU SO MUCH.
HI! WOW.
HOW'S IT GOING?
YOU'RE SHORT.
YOU'RE TALL.
I MEAN, SHORTER... THAN ME.
SORRY.
YEAH.
YOU'RE TALLER THAN I... AM AND
ALSO THOUGHT YOU WERE.
IT'S REALLY GOOD TO BE IN
YOUR PRESENCE.
THIS ONE?
NOPE, KEEP GOING.
THAT ONE?
ALL THE WAY TO THE BOTTOM.
O.K...
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[LAUGHS]
IT'S GOOD, RIGHT?
CLOSET.
LIVING ROOM.
UH, I'M GOING TO PUYOUR BAG...
-PERFECT.
-HERE.
-THANK YOU.
ON THE SHAG.
YEAH, I THINK I'M GOING TO
PUT YOUR BED THERE.
-O.K.
THIS IS ALL YOUR AREA, SO...
OH, MY GOODNESS.
BABY CAT.
[KISSING SOUND]
-UM, SO, KATE...
-YES.
WHAT WOULD YOU
LIKE FOR DINNER?
WHAT SHOULD WE MAKE?
HMM, THAT IS A GOOD QUESTION,
MY DEAR.
WE HAVE OLIVE OIL.
WHAT WOULD WE MAKE WITH
OLIVE OIL?
UM, PASTA?
PASTA.
WAIT, OH, I HAVE TO BUY
CAT LITTER.
[...]
OH.
[CHUCKLES] PARDON ME.
I'M SORRY.
OH, HI.
SORRY.
OH, EXCUSE ME.
OH, SORRY... HELLO.
WHAT DID YOU THINK WE
WERE DOING?
I, UM, THOUGHT WE WERE
FIGHTING OVER THIS
DELICIOUS BEER.
Kent: WHAT WERE WE
TALKING ABOUT?
Kate: UM...
OH, YEAH, HOW LONG WERE YOU
GUYS TOGETHER?
ARE YOU GUYS TOGETHER?
YEAH.
UM, LIKE FIVE YEARS?
YEAH.
IT'S BEEN A WHILE.
HAVE YOU... IS IT O.K. THAI'M ASKING YOU QUESTIONS?
YEAH.
O.K.
'CAUSE I DON'T KNOW ANYTHING...
NO, YOU SHOULD ASK.
FELT WEIRD, LIKE...
DON'T WORRY.
UM, I GUESS I JUST, I JUSWANTED TO HAVE A CONVERSATION.
JUST FOR ME.
LIKE, I'M FEELING WEIRD AND
I'M LIKE...
YEAH, I APPRECIATE THAT.
I FEEL WEIRD TOO, AND...
[CAT MEOWS]
I REALLY LIKE YOU.
AND I, I DON'T WANT TO DO
ANYTHING TO, LIKE, MAKE YOUR
LIFE STRANGE.
OR JUST, I DON'T WANT TO FUCK
ANYTHING UP WITH ANYONE'S LIVES.
[CAT MEOWS, DOG BARKS]
AND I DON'T KNOW.
I DON'T KNOW.
I JUST WANT TO HAVE A GOOD TIME
WHILE WE'RE HERE IN THIS MOMENT.
[DOG BARKS]
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
UM, LIKE 19.
IT'S A GOOD TIME TO...
AND YOU HAD, LIKE, FOOLED
AROUND WITH ONE GIRL?
A LITTLE BIT.
AND THEN YOU CAME OUTO YOUR PARENTS.
-YEAH.
YOU SAID, "I'M GAY."
YEAH.
WHAT DID THEY SAY?
"NO, YOU'RE NOT."
THEN WHAT DID YOU SAY?
I WAS LIKE, "WELL, I AM."
AND THEN THEY SAID, "WELL, IF"
YOU'RE GAY THEN YOU ARE COMING
HOME FROM COLLEGE AND YOU'RE
GOING TO LIVE AT HOME AND YOU'RE
GOING TO WORK 40 HOURS A WEEK
AND GO TO SCHOOL, SO YOU WON'"HAVE TIME TO BE GAY."
AND I WAS LIKE, "O.K., I'M NOGAY, SORRY."
BUT DID YOU KNOW THAYOU WERE...
LIKE, DID YOU THINK YOU
WERE GAY?
-YEAH.
I WAS JUST, I DECIDED I WAS GAY.
I WAS JUST LIKE, "IT JUST MAKES
MORE SENSE."
LIKE, WOMEN ARE A
GENTLER SPECIES.
I JUST WOULD PREFER THEM.
I MEAN, THAT WAS THE CONCLUSION
I CAME TO, I WAS LIKE TAKEN...
THAT'S SO WEIRD.
'CAUSE DON'T YOU KNOW INSIDE?
LIKE, YOU KNOW, YOU SEE A
GUY AND YOU'RE LIKE, "OH, THAT"
"GUY IS..." RIGHT?
I KNOW.
IT WAS ON A MORE INTELLECTUAL
PLANE THAN THAT.
WE DIDN'T LIKE SET A DATE
OR ANYTHING.
WE JUST...
SHE MOVED TO NEW YORK AND
WE WERE STILL DATING.
AND THEN AFTER A YEAR SHE WAS
LIKE, "WE'RE NOT GETTING"
"MARRIED," AND I WAS LIKE,
"YEAH, I DON'T THINK WE ARE."
BUT THEN WE MOVED IN TOGETHER.
WOW.
YEAH, WE DATED FOR FOUR YEARS
BUT WE... IT WAS WEIRD.
WE WERE TELLING PEOPLE WE WERE
ENGAGED, AND PEOPLE WERE LIKE,
"CONGRATULATIONS," BUT IN THE
BACK OF MY MIND, I WAS LIKE...
"NO, WE'RE NOT."
YEAH, IT WAS JUST A...
IT WAS LIKE A TEMPORARY...
AND NOW, LOOKING BACK, I'M LIKE,
I KNOW THAT I WAS JUST...
I WANTED HER TO MOVE BACK
TO NEW YORK, LIKE, I WAS JUST...
SHE WAS MY FIRST GIRLFRIEND
AND...
IT WAS NOBLE.
I GUESS...
BUT IT SEEMS REALLY LAME.
NOW I LOOK BACK AND I'M LIKE,
OH, HER PARENTS WERE SO RIGHTO BE SKEPTICAL OF ME, LIKE,
"WHO IS THIS JOKER?"
HOW OLD WERE YOU?
-LIKE 18...
-WOW.
OR 19.
HI.
HI.
THANK YOU FOR PARTICIPATING
IN THIS INTERVIEW.
INTERVIEW OR INTERROGATION?
UM, I'll ASK THE QUESTIONS.
O.K. [LAUGHS]
O.K., FIRST QUESTION.
WHAT JUST HAPPENED?
I WAS JUST SHOWING YOU
MY PHOTOGRAPHS.
YES.
AND THEN WHAT HAPPENED?
AND THEN THERE WAS A
PHOTOGRAPH THAT YOU...
IT WASN'T INTENDED FOR PUBLIC
CONSUMPTION.
I APOLOGIZE.
CAN YOU PLEASE BE MORE
SPECIFIC?
LIKE, LET'S NOT...
THERE WAS A NAKED PHOTOGRAPH
THAT WAS NOT TO BE SEEN
BY ANYONE.
OF WHO?
OF YOURS TRULY.
AND, AND...
BUT I SAW IT BY ACCIDENT.
YOU DID, INDEED.
AND...
BUT NOW I CAN'T SEE IT?
RIGHT.
[COMPUTER BEEPS]
SURE, KISS.
[CHUCKLES]
UM...
[BOTH CHUCKLE]
YEE-HA...
MMM...
IT'S LIKE WE'RE POSING
FOR A PHOTOBOOTH PICTURE.
WE SHOULD HELP A BROTHER OUT.
YEAH, SHOULD WE KISS?
-O.K.
-ALL RIGHT.
JUST FOR YOU.
THIS IS FOR YOU.
YEAH, WE'VE ACTUALLY
NEVER KISSED.
WE'RE JUST DOING THIS FOR
YOU, TO HELP YOU, NEW FRIEND.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THIS IS INSANE.
OH, MY GOD.
THIS IS REALLY INSANE.
RIGHT.
-WHY NOT?
-O.K.
I HAVE MEDICATION FOR THIS.
GOOD NIGHT.
[BOTH LAUGH]
[...]
MY FEET ARE COLD.
THEY ARE COLD.
THEY'RE REALLY COLD.
DO YOU WANT SOCKS?
UM...
WHAT ABOUT HUMAN SOCKS?
[BOTH LAUGH]
WHAT, I DON'T KNOW WHAYOU MEAN...
YEAH, LIKE YOUR HAND
IS REALLY PERFECT.
YEAH?
THAT'S PERFECT.
I HAVE WARM HANDS.
YES, YOU DO.
YOU KNOW WHY WOMEN, DO YOU
KNOW WHY YOUR HANDS AND FEEGET COLD?
AND MEN'S HANDS AND FEET ARE
USUALLY WARM?
BECAUSE WE'RE PROTECTING
OUR WOMBS?
YEAH!
I'M PROTECTING MY WOMB
RIGHT NOW.
[BOTH LAUGH]
THANKS FOR CARING FOR MY FEET.
[AIR PUMP WHIRRING...]
[WHIRRING STOPS]
OH! [LAUGHS]
HI.
HI.
THANKS.
YOU'RE WELCOME.
ANYTHING FOR A PRETTY LADY.
[LAUGHS] THANK YOU.
I HAVE TO GO MAKE A PHONE CALL.
[COMPUTER GAME BEEPS AND CHIMES]
Game: Level complete.
[GAME BEEPS, PLAYS MUSIC...]
[BEEPING AND MUSIC CONTINUE...]
HEY, KATE? [KNOCKS]
YEAH?
DID YOU GET A TOWEL?
OOH, YES, I DID.
O.K.
WHEN ARE YOU LEAVING
FOR THE MEETING?
UM, I HAVE TO GO IN LIKE
HALF AN HOUR?
O.K.
SO, I'M JUST GETTING READY.
O.K.
YEAH.
[...]
AH, FUCK! AH... OOH, OOH.
AH, SH...
[...]
AH...
[...]
[BUBBLING...]
Kate: HOW DID YOU BREAK IT?
LIKE, I STILL DON'T GET IT.
Kent: I WAS CLEANING UP
AND I SPILLED WATER ON IT.
THAT SUCKS.
-I KNOW.
-YEAH.
I'M VERY CLUMSY.
WHOA.
YEAH, KEEP TALKING.
UM, ARE YOU ENJOYING
THIS CAMERA?
DO YOU THINK IT'S THE ONE?
I THINK IT'S A NICE CAMERA.
DOES MY FACE LOOK GOOD
WITH DIGITAL LIPS?
YEAH, KISS. KISS.
DO THE... YEAH.
[KISS]
[...]
[...]
[LAUGHS] HA! WHAT...
WHAT IS GOING ON?
WELCOME.
HEY, BUDDY.
YOU HAVE A GATE.
I HAVE A GATE.
IT'LL CLOSE BY ITSELF.
COME ON IN.
WHERE ARE WE?
[LAUGHS] WE'RE IN HOLLYWOOD,
BABY!
HA!
WHOSE HOUSE IS THIS?
UH, IT'S A PRODUCER.
THIS GUY THAT'S INTERESTED
IN ME.
IS HE HERE?
NO.
YOU'RE ALONE IN HERE.
YEAH.
YOU CAN'T TELL ME WHO IT IS?
NO.
WHY?!
HE LIVES HERE LIKE A COUPLE
WEEKS OUT OF THE YEAR AND THEN
IT JUST SITS HERE.
IS IT SOMEBODY I KNOW?
[LAUGHS] NO.
I MEAN IT'S SOMEBODY YOU'VE
HEARD OF.
BUT NOT SOMEBODY YOU KNOW.
THIS IS AWESOME.
YOU WANT TO SEE AN ULTRASOUND
OF MY UNBORN CHILD?
YEAH. YEAH.
CAN YOU SEE, SORT OF?
I PUT THE LITTLE ARROWS THERE
AS A...
I CAN SEE THE ARROWS.
[LAUGHS] THAT'S...
YOU KNOW, I THINK THAT'S THE
HEAD IS THIS SHAPE HERE.
AND THEN THAT'S THE ARM,
I THINK.
HONESTLY, IF IT DIDN'T SAY
"BABY", I WOULDN'T KNOW WHATHIS WAS.
IT LOOKS LIKE, LIKE "THIS IS OUR
NEAREST PLANET OUTSIDE OUR SOLAR
SYSTEM AS SEEN THROUGH THE EYES
OF THE HUBBLE."
[LAUGHS]
OH, MAN!
I CAN GET USED TO THIS.
WANT TO EAT HERE?
JOE?
YEAH?
HOW'S IT GOING?
FINE.
UM, WHY ARE WE EATING INSIDE
AND NOT OUTSIDE?
BECAUSE THERE'S NO SUNSCREEN
HERE.
AND I GET SUNBURNED REALLY
EASILY.
[LAUGHS]
SEE, YOU'RE ALREADY LAUGHING.
YOU HAVEN'T EVEN SEEN ICUT TOGETHER.
[JOE LAUGHS, WIPES HIS HANDS...]
RIGHT.
I'M GONNA GO SWIMMING.
O.K.
WHOO!
WHOO...
I DON'T LIKE...
I GET OUT OF RELATIONSHIPS
BECAUSE I'M LIKE, I DON'T WANNA
FUCKING HAVE A DISCUSSION
ABOUT WHAT WE'RE GONNA EAT FOR
DINNER EVERY NIGHT.
THAT'S A PAIN IN THE ASS.
AND WHEN I'M ALONE, I'M JUSLIKE... I CAN JUST SIT ON THE
COUCH UNTIL I'M HUNGRY AND THEN
EAT WHATEVER I WANT.
IT'S NOT LIKE, "HEY, WE NEED
TO COORDINATE.
WHAT ARE WE DOING
FOR BREAKFAST?"
I JUST WANT TO GO, "I'M GONNA
LIE HERE UNTIL I HAVE TO TAKE
A SHIT AND THEN I'M GONNA GEOUT OF BED."
[BOTH LAUGH]
IT'S AWESOME.
IT'S THE BEST.
YOUR VIEW OF MARRIAGE
IS VERY BLEAK.
IT'S A LOT MORE FUN THAN THAT.
YEAH, YEAH, NO, I JUST THINK
I MISSED THE BOAT.
I THINK IF I'D MET THE LOVE OF
MY LIFE WHEN I WAS 20 AND
WE WERE MARRIED NOW, IT WOULD
BE AWESOME.
BECAUSE EVERY NIGHT I'D BE LIKE,
"I'M SO GLAD WE'RE TOGETHER.
WE'VE BEEN TOGETHER 20 YEARS.
I FUCKIN' LOVE YOU."
YEAH.
"YOU'RE THE ONE."
YEAH.
BUT THERE'S SOMETHING REALLY
PATHETIC ABOUT DATING WHEN
YOU'RE 40.
IT'S LIKE...
IT'S, YOU KNOW... JUST...
THERE'S A DESPERATION YOU CAN'SCRUB OFF.
[BOTH LAUGH]
AND MY, MY...
MY PENIS USED TO LOOK SO YOUNG.
BUT NOW IT LOOKS SO OLD.
DO YOU FEEL LIKE ALL THE
WOMEN YOU'RE MEETING REALLY WANTO HAVE KIDS?
-YEAH.
AND THEY'RE FEELING LIKE
THEIR BIOLOGICAL CLOCK IS
GOING CRAZY?
-YEAH, YEAH.
DOES THAT FREAK YOU OUT?
WELL, IT'S JUST, IT'S HARD
BECAUSE YOU'RE ONLY DATING FOR
A COUPLE OF WEEKS AND THEN YOU
FEEL LIKE YOU HAVE TO HAVE THACONVERSATION.
BECAUSE THEY'RE LIKE, "LOOK,
I DON'T WANT TO WASTE TIME,
LIKE DO YOU WANT TO HAVE KIDS?"
AND I'M ALWAYS HONEST.
I'M LIKE, "WELL, I'M NOPLANNING ON IT."
AND THAT'S WHEN RELATIONSHIPS
END?
YEAH... OR I SAID TO ONE
GIRL, I WAS LIKE, "IF I MEESOMEONE AND I'M IN LOVE AND SHE
WANTS TO HAVE A KID, I'll HAVE
A KID WITH HER."
AND THEN SHE WAS LIKE,
"I LOVE YOU."
[JOE LAUGHS]
AND I WAS LIKE, "CHECK, PLEASE!"
[JOE LAUGHS]
AND WE WERE AT THE MOVIES, SO
EVERYONE WAS LIKE "SHH!"
[BOTH LAUGH]
AH, KENT!
[...]
[CAR APPROACHING]
[CAR TIRE HITS CURB]
[...]
[KENT AND KATE TALKING FAINTLY]
Kent: SO, LIKE I SAID,
I DON'T KNOW ANYONE HERE
EXCEPT FOR KEV.
Kate: YEAH?
SO WE DON'T HAVE TO STAY THALONG, IF YOU DON'T...
YEAH, LET'S DO WHATEVER.
I'M TOTALLY COOL.
[...]
[GENERAL CONVERSATIONS
[AND LAUGHTER]
Kev: AGHH!
TOES IS HERE!
MY TOES IS HERE!
Kent: HEY! [GRUNTS]
HOW'S IT GOING?
I'M GOOD.
WELL, WELCOME TO THE TRAILER
WHERE I KIND OF AM SLEEPING
SOMETIMES.
-YEAH.
THESE ARE MY FRIENDS
AND UH...
HEY, I'M KENT.
THIS IS KATE.
WHAT'S UP? HEY, I'M KEV.
Kate: HEY, KEV.
Kent: I BROUGHT SOME BEER.
Kev: YEAH, DRINK IT.
Kate: THANK YOU.
Kev: I DON'T CARE.
[LAUGHTER]
I DON'T CARE WHAT YOU DRINK,
JUST DRINK SOMETHING.
TOES! YO! TOES!
YOU KNOW WHY I CALL HIM "TOES"?
WAIT, FIRST, YOU KNOW WHY
I CALL HIM "TOES"?
HE LET A GIRL SUCK
HIS TOES AND HE LOVED IT.
AGHH!
Kent, mortified: OH, MY GOD.
AND YOU KNOW WHY I CALL HIM
"TIES"?
BECAUSE HE WAS IN THE MOVIE
SCHOOL TIES WITH FUCKIN'
BRENDAN FRASER AND MATT DAMON.
TIES, TOES, T.K.O., TIES OZ...
[RAPPING] BA-BIB-BIB-BIB-BORN,
BE BORN, TIED TO HIS O-FACE
YO, KENT NEED A NEW CHICK
LIKE O.J. NEED A NEW CASE.
WHAT?!
[MUSIC PLAYS IN BACKGROUND...]
SO KENT, ARE YOU GONNA DO ANY
COCK TRICKS?
UH, I THINK IT'S A LITTLE
EARLY IN THE EVENING.
AND, UH...
Kev: HE DOES COCK TRICKS FOR
CELEBRITIES AROUND THE WHOLE
NATION, MOSTLY L.A., BUT...
HEY GUYS!
Kent: YEAH, MAN, WAIT!
YOU'RE MISSING THE...
HEY, YO-YO, GUTH-GUTH!
GUTH, LILS!
Kent: KEV... KEV...
LITTLE LILS AND GUTH!
COME HERE!
LISTEN, YOU'RE MISSING
THE POINT.
[WOMAN COUGHING...]
THE POINT IS THAT YOU'RE
THE BEST COCK TRICK MASTER
OF LOS ANGELES.
YEAH, BUT IT'S...
HEY, GUTHRIE!
[KENT SIGHS]
HEY, EVERYBODY, COME HERE!
IT'S 'CAUSE OF THE GIRL.
AND IF YOU JUST...
O.K., BUT JUST...
SHE, BELIEVE ME, SHE ALREADY
LIKES YOU.
SHE ALREADY KNOWS THAT YOU DO
COCK TRICKS.
SHE'S NOT GONNA NOT...
SHE PROBABLY LIKES YOU BECAUSE
YOU'RE THE KIND OF GUY WHO WOULD
DO COCK TRICKS FOR EVERYONE.
SHH... HEY, HEY...
SO, JUST DO THEM.
IT'S SO GOOD.
EVERYBODY WILL BE LAUGHING AT IAND YOU KNOW HOW YOU LOVE THAT.
IT GIVES YOU LOVE, YOU'RE LIKE,
"YES, EVERYBODY'S LAUGHING
AT ME! I'M KENT OSBORNE!"
KEV! KEV! KEV!
STOP. STOP. STOP.
JUST HEAR WHAT I'M SAYING.
YOU'RE MY FRIEND, RIGHT?
HELP ME OUT.
-MM-HMM.
STOP, STOP TALKING ABOUT IT.
STOP TALKING ABOUCOCK TRICKS?
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
O.K., FINE, FINE.
-O.K.?
-FINE, FINE.
[ITALIAN ACCENT] 'SCUSE ME
LADIES AND GENTLEMALINI!
[LAUGHS]
GENTLEMALINI.
I NOW WILL PRESENT TO YOU
A SIGHT YOU WILL NEVER FORGET IN
YOUR WHOLE LIVES AS LONG AS YOU
LIVE AND HIS NAME IS KENOSBORNE AND HIS PENIS IS A
GLORIOUS THING.
HE WILL NOW PRESENT THE COCK
TRICKS FOR EVERYONE TONIGHT.
I PRESENT KENT OSBORNE.
PLEASE STAND BEFORE ME, KENT.
BEFORE THIS TREE!
Crowd, chanting: COCK TRICKS,
COCK TRICKS, COCK TRICKS,
COCK TRICKS, COCK TRICKS...
GET IN THERE! GO!
Crowd: WHOO!
[APPLAUSE]
I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN TO DO IT.
AND I WOULD LOVE NOTHING MORE
THAN TO HAVE THE ABILITY TO
VANISH RIGHT NOW BECAUSE, UM,
THIS HAS BEEN BUILT UP WAY
TOO MUCH.
-Kev: WHAT'S WRONG?
I CAN'T DO COCK TRICKS
ANYMORE BECAUSE I HAVE SCAR
TISSUE AROUND MY TESTICLES AND
I WENT TO MY DOCTOR BECAUSE I
THOUGHT IT WAS CANCER AND HE
SAID, "DON'T DO STRENUOUS THINGS
WITH YOUR SCROTUM".
ARE YOU SERIOUS?
YEAH, AND I'M SORRY, THAT'S
WHY I'VE BEEN TELLING YOU TO
KNOCK IT OFF ALL NIGHT.
AND YOU JUST FUCKING LOOKED ME
IN THE EYE AND SAID, "O.K.,
LET'S TALK ABOUT IT ON MONDAY."
AND I'M SORRY, I KNOW THAT I...
THE MUSIC'S OFF AND I'M THE
ONLY ONE TALKING.
I'll TURN THE MUSIC ON, THEN.
AND I'M NOT, I LOVE YOU, OF
COURSE, I APOLOGIZE TO EVERYBODY
BECAUSE...
LADIES AND GENTLEMEN,
THE HAMBURGER!
[CROWD CHEERS]
[...]
[...]
HEY, KENT.
YEAH?
WHAT ARE YOU DOIN'?
UH, NOTHIN'.
ME EITHER.
YOU WANNA DO NOTHIN' TOGETHER?
UH, SURE.
OH, GOOD.
WHEN YOU MASTURBATE, YOU JUSUSE YOUR IMAGINATION?
YEAH.
FANTASY TIME.
WHAT ABOUT YOU?
DO YOU LOOK AT PORN?
MM-HMM.
WERE YOU LOOKING AT PORN
JUST NOW?
-MAYBE.
WHAT? REALLY?
MAYBE.
WHAT WERE YOU DOING?
JUST GETTING READY FOR BED.
[LAUGHS]
OH...
YEAH, WELL...
A LITTLE NIGHTCAP?
I USUALLY MASTURBATE ONCE
A DAY.
WHAT TIME OF DAY?
DID I INTRUDE?
NO, NO, NO, NO, I...
NO, I WASN'T GOING TO, I WAS,
JUST, 'CAUSE, YOU KNOW...
RIGHT, I WAS RIGHT THERE.
YOU KNOW, WHEN YOU HAVE A
HOUSEGUEST, YOU DON'T...
SMACK IT, LOUDLY?
AS MUCH, YEAH.
UM, THAT'S PROBABLY PRUDENT.
BUT, IT'S NICE.
IT'S NICE, 'CAUSE WHEN YOU
LEAVE, IT'LL BE A NICE LITTLE...
I MEAN, IT'LL BE SAD, BUT...
WELCOME HOME.
BUT THEN I'll LIKE...
GET TO MASTURBATE, SO...
YOU CAN MASTURBATE.
I'M NOT GOING TO STOP YOU.
I'M ONE OF THOSE COOL
HOUSEGUESTS.
LIKE, JUST DO WHAT YOU NORMALLY
DO, PLEASE.
REALLY?
MAKE YOURSELF AT HOME.
O.K.
GOOD TO KNOW.
YEAH.
GO RIGHT NOW, I'M FINE.
YEAH?
YOU'RE GOING TO WATCH?
ALL RIGHT.
[SNORTS LAUGH]
YOU... YOU WOULD WATCH ME
MASTURBATE?
WHY NOT?
ARE YOU JOKING?
I DON'T THINK SO.
I'll WATCH YOU MASTURBATE.
WHAT DO YOU DO?
YOU REALLY WANT TO SEE THIS?
YES.
O.K., SO I TAKE A PILLOW.
YEAH.
PUT IT UNDER THE SHEET.
VERY NICE.
AND THEN I JUST LIKE,
THERE...
-WOW.
-YEAH.
AND THEN I'll PUT SOME...
MY COMPUTER OR...
ON THE BED?
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
AND THAT'S IT.
AW, HE'S A PILLOW HUMPER.
YEAH, PILLOW HUMPER.
I MEAN, SO SOMETIMES, PILLOW
DOWN LIKE THIS.
OR JUST LIKE NO PILLOW.
SORRY, PILLOW.
AND THEN JUST LIKE, YOU KNOW.
YEAH, JUST KIND OF WRITHING
AROUND, AND LIKE...
BUT NEVER ON YOUR BACK?
NO, I JUST CAN'T.
WE'D BE SO INCOMPATIBLE.
WE'D BE LIKE TWO TOPS,
NO BOTTOM. [LAUGHS]
-YEAH.
I KNOW.
[MARKER SCRAPING ON PAPER]
[...]
[BUBBLING]
[COUGHING]
[COUGHING]
WOW, I'M, I'M... O.K.
MAYBE I'M WALKING TOO FAST,
I'M OUT OF BREATH.
MY... LIPS ARE CHAPPED.
I'M HIGH, BY THE WAY.
I'M TOTALLY BAKED.
I'M GOING TO GET EGGS.
WALKING DOWN A VERY STEEP HILL.
[TRAFFIC PASSING]
MY LIFE IS A BIT OF A WRECK.
AND I'M THE ONE DRIVING, I'M THE
ONE GETTING INTO THE WRECKS.
GETTIN' INTO THE WRECKS,
GETTIN' INTO THE WRECKS.
[WIND BLOWING]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[MUSIC ENDS]
[BIRDS CHIRPING]
[...]
[...]
[...]
THAT IS A GREAT PICTURE.
I MEAN, THAT'S LIKE A REAL,
IT'S NOT LIKE...
IT'S BEAUTIFUL.
IT LOOKS LIKE A PROFESSIONAL.
YEAH, IT'S GORGEOUS.
THIS CAN'T BE REAL.
"HI, I HEAR THAT CRAIG'S LIST IS
GOOD FOR FULFILLING OR DASHING
FANTASIES.
I HAVE A FANTASY OF MEETING A
BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT, FUNNY
WOMAN WHO ALSO MAYBE HASN'T HAD
MUCH EXPERIENCE WITH OTHER
WOMAN... WOMEN... BUT WHO WANTS
TO EXPLORE LIKE WE'RE
TWO NEW BOOKS OPENING EACH
OTHER'S PAGES.
OR MAYBE THERE'S A LIBRARIAN
WHO OPENS OUR PAGES AT THE
"SAME TIME."
WHOA, THAT'S SO HOT.
[LAUGH]
"IS ANYONE OUT THERE
A LIBRARIAN?'
DARN!
WOW, SHE'S... "WHO IS GOOD ATURNING ON TWO WOMEN AT ONCE.
I'M MOSTLY JUST CURIOUS TO MEEANOTHER BI GIRL WHO ISN'T GOING
TO JUDGE ME FOR HAVING
LOOSE-KNIT FANTASIES THAT MAY OR
MAY NOT INVOLVE LIBRARIANS.
LET'S TALK ABOUT TITS AND THEN
DOSTOYEVSKY.
LET'S RELATE ABOUT ALL THE GUYS
WE'VE BLOWN WHO DIDN'T GO
DOWN ON US.
LET'S MAKE UP NATION STATES RUN
"BY SAPPHO AND BEETHOVEN."
"LOOKING FOR A COMPATRIOT".
WOW.
MAYBE SHE'S A VEGETARIAN.
LOOK, LIQUID AMINOS.
I EAT THOSE.
REALLY?
YEAH.
UM... ALL RIGHT.
YOU'RE GOING TO WRITE IT.
YOU SHOULD WRITE BACK.
YOU SHOULD.
HMM?
I JUST FEEL LIKE WE HAVE TO
IMPRESS HER, A LITTLE BIT.
SHE'S PRETTY IMPRESSIVE.
SHE'S PRETTY SMART.
I DON'T KNOW ANY OF HER
REFERENCES.
OH... WHERE DO WE...
JUST GO AHEAD.
YOU'RE SMART.
SAY, LIKE... JUST BE HONEST.
JUST SAY YOU'RE OUT HERE
VISITING A GOOD FRIEND.
I MEAN...
AS A BEAUTIFUL, INTELLIGENT,
FUNNY WOMAN I CAN... THAT I...
TOO ENJOY EXPLORING.
YOU, YEAH, I THINK
THAT'S GOOD.
AND THEN ASK, SAY...
SHOULD WE JUST TAKE A PICTURE
OF OURSELVES?
LIKE, WITH, WITH...
I THINK IT SHOULD, YEAH,
THAT'S...
ALL RIGHT. READY?
WE HAVE TO LOOK THERE.
O.K.
O.K.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
BE SEXY.
I CAN'T. [LAUGHS]
THIS IS TERRIBLE.
OOH.
THIS LOOKS TERRIBLE.
IT'S REALLY LIKE OUR WORSFEATURES.
I CAN'T EVEN SEE IT.
HOLD ON.
LET'S MOVE THIS BACK.
WHAT IF I SLOUCH A LITTLE?
YOU SHOULD...
YEAH, THAT'S GOOD.
I SHOULD GO UP.
O.K.
-ALL RIGHT.
-ARE WE GOOD?
-YEAH.
-I THINK WE LOOK GOOD.
-O.K.
O.K.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
YEAH, YEAH, YEAH.
THAT'S O.K.
I'M WAITING FOR THE COUNT.
[LAUGHS]
-O.K.
THIS IS GONNA...
THREE, TWO, ONE.
[COMPUTER BEEPING]
[COMPUTER CAMERA SHUTTER CLICKS]
[BOTH LAUGH]
OH, NO, IT'S TERRIBLE.
WE TOTALLY SAW WORSE
THAN THAT... THAT'S FINE.
WE HAVE TO JUST SEND THIS.
I DON'T WANT TO BE A
PERFECTIONIST.
BUT, I'M NOT EVEN HARD.
THAT'S FINE!
WAIT, CAN WE TAKE ONE MORE?
I'M SORRY, CAN WE JUST TAKE
ONE MORE, PLEASE?
IMPROMPTU... O.K.
I JUST DON'T WANT TO BLOW
THIS BECAUSE I'M NOT STRETCHED
OUT PROPERLY. O.K.
ALL RIGHT.
I'M ROLLING.
YOU'RE ROLLING.
YEAH, HOW ARE YOU FEELING?
I'M NERVOUS AND EXCITED AND
WE'RE ABOUT TO GO MEEJOSEPHINE.
-YEAH.
-YEAH.
HAVE YOU EVER DONE
THIS BEFORE?
NO, NOT THIS.
LIKE, I MEAN, MEETING SOMEONE ON
CRAIG'S LIST?
RIGHT.
NO.
Kent: HI.
Josephine: HI.
Kate: HI.
CAN YOU SEE US?
Kent: BARELY.
I CAN SEE THE CANDLES.
MMM.
Josephine: CAN YOU SEE US
NOW?
Kate: WE'RE LIKE TWO BRIGHLIGHTS IN A DARK, DARK BAR.
[LOUD MUSIC PLAYING IN BAR...]
Josephine: SO, KENT?
YES?
WHERE ARE YOU FROM?
I LIVE HERE.
I MEAN, WERE YOU FROM HERE?
OH, OH, I GREW UP IN VERMONT.
OH.
OH, YOU'RE A FARM BOY.
UH, SORT OF.
WELL, I WAS BORN IN NEW JERSEY.
O.K.
AND THEN I MOVED TO VERMONWHEN I WAS FOUR.
SO AND UM, UH, SORRY, I'M A
LITTLE DISTRACTED. [LAUGHS]
Both: OOH, UH!
[KENT LAUGHS]
I'M KIND OF A LIGHTWEIGHT.
I'M ONLY GOING TO BE ABLE TO
HANDLE ONE MORE DRINK BEFORE
I'M GOOD.
YEAH.
WELL, THEN.
Kent: WHY IS NO ONE LOOKING
AT ME?
WHAT?
OH, SORRY.
YOU'RE THERE? HI!
WE WERE...
I'M HAPPY WITH EITHER ONE.
SHE'S HAPPY WITH ANYTHING.
I THINK YOU'RE GOING TO LIKE...
[GLASS BREAKING]
OH, MY GOD.
OH, OH, NO.
HOW DID THAT HAPPEN?
WHAT DID YOU JUST DO?
Kent: I BACKED INTO IT.
I HAVE TO PUT THIS AWAY
RIGHT NOW.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO.
DO WE GO TO THE FRONT AND SAY
WE BROKE...
Kate: YEAH, LET'S JUSCONFESS.
-O.K.
AWESOME. THANKS. SORRY.
Man: NO PROBLEM.
I'M SORRY.
[ALL CHUCKLE]
Kate: BYE.
Josephine: BYE.
Kate: LOOK, HE'S CARRYING
EVERYTHING.
Josephine: OH, HE'S SUCH
A MAN, HE'S TAKING CARE OF US.
Kate: I KNOW, LOOK AT THAT.
Kent: ALL RIGHT.
Josephine: OH, THANKS.
[INDISTINCT CONVERSATION]
[CORK POPS]
Josephine: OH, NICE.
SO PAINLESS!
GOOD. [LAUGHS]
AWESOME.
O.K., CHEERS.
CHEERS.
CHEERS.
THANK YOU FOR HAVING ME.
OH, MY GOD, THIS IS FUN.
Kate: YEAH, THIS IS GREAT.
Josephine: IT'S SO GREAT TO
MEET YOU.
-WANT A TOUR?
-Josephine: SURE.
-YEAH?
UH, KITCHEN.
AWESOME.
O.K., COOL.
PANTRY.
Josephine: MM-HMM.
Kent: BATHROOM.
GOTCHA.
THIS IS THE HALLWAY.
O.K.
THIS IS THE FIRST PIECE OF
ART I EVER BOUGHT.
OH.
[LAUGHS]
WOW.
IT'S JUXTAPOSITION ART.
THIS IS THE LIGHTS!
LIVING ROOM!
NICE.
THIS IS A GOOD PLACE YOU HAVE.
THANKS.
I LIKE YOUR STATE OF THE ARVIEWING MATERIALS.
YES.
OOH, GOSH.
SOME BOOKS.
Kate: BOOKS.
Josephine: YOU HAVE SOME
SERIOUS STUFF.
I CAN MASTURBATE
TO A PRAYING MANTIS.
Kate: REALLY?
LIKE... WELL, JUST A FEMALE
LIKE, AT...
-RIGHT.
LIKE EATING ME AS I'M...
BUT THAT'S THE DIFFERENCE
BETWEEN FANTASY AND REALITY.
-RIGHT, LIKE...
-YOU DON'REALLY WANT THAT BUT IT'S
FUN TO THINK ABOUT.
RIGHT. I CAN FANTASIZE ABOUBEING RAPED IN PRISON...
RIGHT... HOT!
BUT IF IT WERE TO REALLY
HAPPEN...
-NOT SO HOT.
IT WOULD BE THE WORST THING
THAT EVER HAPPENED TO ME.
YOU DO OR YOU DON'T HAVE
RAPE, MALE RAPE FANTASIES?
NO, I MEAN, LIKE, O.K., ONE
NIGHT I WAS REALLY BORED AND I
FANTASIZED THAT I WAS RAPED
BY A BUNCH OF MEN.
WHILE MASTURBATING?
IT'S A FANTASY.
YEAH, LIKE I... YEAH.
BUT YOU GOT OFF
ON THAT... IDEA?
IT WAS A, IT WAS ACTUALLY, IWAS A CRAIG'S LIST POSTING.
AND IT WAS LIKE, "HEY, ANYBODY"
WANT TO COME OVER?
WE'VE GOT THIS GUY TIED UP AND
WE'RE, LIKE, WE'RE FUCKING HIM
"IN EVERY HOLE" AND... AND THATURNED ME ON... I WAS LIKE,
"OH, THAT'S TURNING ME ON."
BUT I REMEMBER THINKING, LIKE,
IF THAT WAS... REALLY HAPPENED,
I WOULD... IT WOULD BE AWFUL.
-YEAH.
-WOW.
WELL, THERE'S A DARK PLACE
THAT HAPPENS, I THINK.
I MEAN, I'VE HAD...
I THINK MOST YOUNG GIRLS...
LIKE, WHEN I WAS, LIKE, 11 AND
HADN'T STARTED MASTURBATING
AND I WAS LIKE... I REALLY,
REALLY, REALLY WISHED SOMETHING
WAS GOING ON IN THAT AREA AND
WOULD HAVE RAPE FANTASIES, BUI... I THINK IT WAS, I DON'KNOW... YEAH, IF IT REALLY
HAPPENED, IT WOULD HAVE BEEN
REALLY MESSED UP AND SAD.
-RIGHT. -BUT, UM...
-YEAH.
A LOT OF WOMEN HAVE RAPE
FANTASIES... I JUST NEVER TALKED
TO A MAN WHO DID.
SO... YOU'RE A FIRST.
I DIDN'T START MASTURBATING
UNTIL, LIKE, REALLY RECENTLY,
LIKE THE LAST FOUR YEARS.
-Kent: REALLY?
-YEAH.
Kate: WHAT CHANGED THINGS?
UM... A VIBRATOR. [LAUGHS]
Kate: WHAT KIND OF VIBRATOR?
A VERY SIMPLE ONE, BUT...
ACTUALLY IT WAS A MINDSETHAT CHANGED, BUT IT WAS ALSO
THE VIBRATOR.
I THINK I JUST WAS... WHEN I WAS
YOUNG I NEVER DID IT BECAUSE IN
TEXAS, LIKE, YOU JUST WERE
TAUGHT, LIKE, "DO NOT TALK ABOUSEXUALITY, IT'S GROSS,"
AND THEN, UM... I MEAN,
WHATEVER KIND OF SEXUALITY.
IT DIDN'T MATTER IF IT WAS,
LIKE, HOMOSEXUALITY, BISEXUALITY
OR HETEROSEXUALITY, LIKE, YOU
JUST DIDN'T TALK ABOUT WHAT WAS
GOING ON, AND THEN... SO, I
WOULD ASK MY FRIENDS, "LIKE, SO
DO YOU GUYS MASTURBATE?"
'CAUSE I KNEW GUYS DID IT,
AND MY GIRLFRIENDS WERE LIKE,
"NO... UGH, THAT IS SO GROSS.
I WOULD NEVER, NEVER DO THAT."
AND THEN I FOUND OUT, YOU KNOW,
LIKE, 10 TO 12 YEARS LATER THAT,
YES, OF COURSE THEY WERE ALL
MASTURBATING, EVEN THOUGH...
BUT NOBODY WAS TALKING ABOUT IT.
Kate: THAT'S PRETTY
FASCINATING.
-Kent: YEAH.
AND SO, I WAS JUST LIKE,
"WELL, NOBODY DOES THAT,
THAT'S GROSS, SINCE..."
Kent: HOW OLD ARE YOU NOW?
HOW OLD ARE YOU?
OH, OLD. [LAUGHS]
700 YEARS OLD?
HE'S VERY IMMATURE THOUGH...
[JOSEPHINE LAUGHS]
SO IT CANCELS OUA LOT OF THE TIME.
NO, I JUST... I RECENTLY
TURNED 40.
OH, HAPPY BIRTHDAY.
THANKS.
SO YOU... THAT'S NOT OLD.
WHY DO YOU FEEL OLD?
I NEVER DID UNTIL I TURNED
40, BUT... YOU KNOW, I'M
HANDLING IT. -O.K.
-O.K.
[ALL LAUGH]
[BONG BUBBLING,
[WOMEN TALKING IN BACKGROUND]
Josephine: I LOVED IT AND
I FELT SO CONNECTED TO HER.
I WAS LIKE, I REALLY NEED
TO PUT MYSELF OUT THERE MORE
AND MEET MORE GIRLS.
-YEAH.
-HENCE, TONIGHT.
-YAY!
-SEEMS LIKE A VERY...
BRAZEN WAY OF DOING IT, I GUESS,
BUT, LIKE, SOMETIMES YOU JUST...
YOU GOT TO TAKE A RISK.
YOU MAKE YOUR...
YOU MAKE YOUR, UH, DESTINY.
YES, YOU DO... YEAH.
KENT, ARE YOU GONNA...
COME JOIN US?
UM... YEAH.
[HEAVY BREATHING...]
[KENT MOANS]
[WOMEN MOAN AND GIGGLE]
YOU ARE SO BEAUTIFUL.
MMM, THANK YOU.
[WHISPERS]: SO ARE YOU...
[...]
[...]
Josephine: THAT WAS
DIFFERENT.
I'M GONNA RUN TO THE BATHROOM.
I'll BE RIGHT BACK.
[...]
[KATE SIGHS]
Kent: [LAUGHS] WHAT ARE
YOU...? WHAT'S GOING ON?
KATE?
I MEAN, IT WAS GOOD, RIGHT?
I'M JUST WAITING FOR HER.
I DON'T WANT TO LIKE...
IT'S LIKE WHEN YOU'RE WATCHING
A MOVIE... SOMEONE HAS TO
GO TO THE BATHROOM, YOU JUSPAUSE THE MOVIE.
Josephine: WOW, IT'S REALLY
HOT AND HEAVY IN HERE.
Kent: YEAH. [LAUGH]
SORRY TO BREAK IT UP...
I JUST HAD TO...
Kate: HI! HI, HI...
[JOSEPHINE LAUGHS]
I'M SO GLAD YOU'RE BACK.
COME HERE, COME HERE, COME HERE,
COME HERE, COME HERE...
OH, DON'T GO ANYWHERE
EVER AGAIN.
WAIT, YOU PUT THIS BACK ON?
I... WELL, I WAS JUST...
I JUST WANTED TO GIVE YOU
A BIT OF A SURPRISE.
HERE, I'll TAKE IT OFF.
COME HERE...
HI... WHERE HAVE YOU BEEN ALL MY
LIFE? [LAUGHING AND SIGHING]
YEAH, IT WAS AWESOME MEETING
YOU TOO.
ENJOY THOSE.
THANKS... YEAH, THANK YOU
SO MUCH FOR THESE.
ARE YOU SURE YOU DON'T WANTHIS ONE? SLING BLADE?
YEAH, YEAH... NO, I'M GLAD...
YOU'RE DOING ME A FAVOR.
THAT'S A REALLY... THAT'S
LIKE... I APPRECIATE IT.
YOU HAVE GOOD TASTE.
-GOOD NIGHT.
-BYE.
NICE TO MEET YOU.
YEAH, IT'S BEEN AWESOME.
YEAH. STAY, STAY WARM.
HEY, LOOK, THE SUN IS COMING UP.
Kate: WOW... OH, MY GOD.
NIGHTY-NIGHT.
GOOD MORNING.
Josephine: GOOD NIGHT.
[WOMEN LAUGH]
SEE YOU... IN THE FUTURE.
Kate: YES.
Josephine: BYE.
Both: BYE.
[AIR PUMP WHIRRING...]
[PEN CLATTERS ON DESK]
Kent: ARE YOU O.K.?
I'M FINE... ARE YOU ALL RIGHT?
I'M TOTALLY FINE.
BECAUSE YOU DON'T SEEM IT,
LIKE, YOU DON'T SEEM LIKE YOU.
[THROATY GROWLING]
DID YOU FEEL THAT?
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
HOT AIR! HOT AIR!
YOU'RE KILLING ME.
[THROATY GROWLING]
DID YOU... DID YOU HEAR THE
SOUND OF, LIKE, HELL?
LISTEN.
[THROATY ROAR]
O.K., LET'S, LET'S RIDE
AROUND ON THE CHAIR.
RIDING ON THE CHAIR...
KATE, KATE, WHAT IS GOING ON?
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
I DON'T KNOW.
I WANT TO BE NEAR YOU.
O.K., YOU'RE RIGHT THERE.
SERIOUSLY, WHAT DO YOU...
YOU SEE, WE'RE... THIS IS
LIKE WE'RE BOYFRIEND AND
GIRLFRIEND, BUT WE'RE NOHAVING SEX, WHICH IS...
THAT'S THE BEST PART OF BEING A
BOYFRIEND AND A GIRLFRIEND.
NO... I MEAN, IT'S A GREAPART.
-WHAT DO YOU WANT...?
-I JUST...
-REALLY? LIKE...
CAN I SIT ON YOUR LAP?
-REALLY?
-CAN I SIT ON YOUR
LAP? -NO! -PLEASE?
-NO.
-PLEASE?
-NO.
-ROCK ME LIKE A BABY.
-NO.
ROCK ME LIKE A BABY, JUST...
PAL?
WE'RE PALS, RIGHT?
REALLY? LIKE, YOU NEED ME TO
HELP YOU RIGHT NOW FEEL...
I, I... MY MIND IS BEING BLOWN
RIGHT NOW BECAUSE YOU SAID,
"GO WORK, I'M GONNA SIT HERE,"
AND NOW... I DON'T...
WHAT ARE YOU DOING? LIKE...
[PURRING]
[CHUCKLES]
[PURRING]
[MEWING]
[HISSING]
YOU WANT TO BE KITTIES?
LET'S BE KITTIES.
LET'S BE KITTIES...
KATE, YOU'RE... O.K.,
NOW I ACTUALLY AM STARTING
TO GET A LITTLE MAD.
I DON'T KNOW WHAT...
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THIS IS.
I'M NOT YOUR BOYFRIEND.
WE'RE JUST KITTIES.
WE'RE JUST BABY KITTIES.
CAN I... I GOTTA WORK.
I GOTTA GET THIS...
I'll JUST BE RIGHT HERE.
I'M JUST GONNA BE REALLY...
I JUST WANNA BE NEAR YOU.
KENT?
WHY ARE YOU SO MAD?
[KATE CRYING AND SNIFFLING...]
[KATE SIGHS]
HEY... HEY, LISTEN.
I'M, I'M SORRY.
I'M REALLY SORRY, O.K.?
[SNIFFLES]
HEY, KATE, I'M REALLY SORRY.
I'M, I'M, I'M JUST HUNG OVER
AND I'M TIRED AND I'M JUST...
I DIDN'T TAKE MY WELLBUTRIN
YESTERDAY AND I'M... I'M JUSBEING A... A BABY 'CAUSE WE'RE
NOT... WE DIDN'T HAVE SEX.
[LAUGHS] YOU KNOW WHAT I MEAN?
LIKE, I'M... I'M SO SORRY.
I'M NOT... COME HERE.
[KATE SOBS, SNIFFLES]
COME HERE.
HEY, DON'T CRY, O.K.?
THIS WAS SUCH A FUN WEEKEND.
THIS WAS, LIKE, AWESOME.
I'M SO GLAD YOU CAME.
[KATE SNIFFLES]
LIKE, SERIOUSLY.
I'M SO SORRY... I WAS, UM...
I WAS BEING A DICK AND I'M,
I'M REALLY SORRY.
LIKE, I, I'M...
YOU'RE SO...
YOU'RE AWESOME, O.K.?
[SIGHS, SNIFFLES]
[GRUNTING]
ALL RIGHT.
DRIVE SAFE.
THANK YOU.
HAVE A SAFE FLIGHT BACK.
THANK YOU.
THANKS FOR THE WEEKEND.
YEAH, YOU TOO.
THIS WAS FUN.
IT WAS FUN.
SUN'S BRIGHT.
YEAH.
HOW'S THAT?
GOOD.
YOU GOT IT.
YOU GOTTA GO.
YEAH, I GOTTA GO.
I DON'T WANT TO MISS MY FLIGHT.
O.K., WE'RE GOOD?
-YEAH, WE'RE GOOD.
-O.K.
THANKS.
YEAH, ALL RIGHT.
O.K.
BYE.
[KISS]
WRITE ON MY WALL.
BE IN TOUCH.
[...]
[...]
[...]
[KISSING SOUND]
[CAT MEOWS]
[DIAL CLICKING]
[MUFFLED CONVERSATION ON VIDEO]
[KENT LAUGHS]
[BUBBLING]
Bow, bow, bow.
Bow, bow, bow.
See, he knows something's up.
Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow, bow.
[LAUGHTER]
Woman: You have to do it,
Uncle Kent!
Bow, bow, bow, bow, bow...
[LAUGHTER]
[BABY LAUGHS]
Baby: A ba ba.
Bow, bow, bow...
[LAUGHTER]
Baby: Ma ma.
Bow, bow, bow...
[BABY LAUGHS]
[LAUGHTER]
Baby: Ba ba ba ba.
Bow, bow, bow...
[LAUGHTER]
[CAT MEOWS]
[KENT CLICKS HIS TONGUE]
COME HERE.
[CAT MEOWS LOUDLY]
WHAT?
[CAT MEOWS]
WHAT?
[CAT MEOWS]
WHAT?
KITTY, HEY, CAT.
[DISGUSTED] AH...
NO, NO, NO.
HEY, COME HERE.
[CAT MEOWS]
[CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY]
[CAT MEOWS AGGRESSIVELY]
[CAT HISSES]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
[...]
Josephine: I JUST HAVE TO GO
TO THE BATHROOM, I'll BE
RIGHT BACK.
Kate: WHAT?