Unhinged in Hollywood (2015) Movie Script

Ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome Jeff Dunham!
Thank you so much.
Thank you very much.
Have a seat. Oh, my gosh.
Ladies and gentlemen, it does
not get any better than this,
right here at the Dolby
in Hollywood, California!
This is fantastic
and I...
I have to tell you,
you know, this is right here,
they have the Oscars,
the Academy Awards.
Doesn't get any better
than that.
This is fantastic,
and tonight we are here.
Plenty of adult
beverages. Yes?
And a middle-aged guy
on stage,
arguing with his dolls.
It's a magical night,
ladies and gentlemen.
But I am a ventriloquist,
for those of you
who might not have
figured that out yet.
And people ask me all the time,
"Jeff, why this, as a career?"
Well, I've never done
anything else.
I taught myself ventriloquism
in the third grade,
got a dummy,
and just kept practising.
I didn't have any brothers
and sisters,
so there was no one
there to tell me
that what I was doing
was incredibly lame.
And since I was adopted,
I guess my parents
were like, "Not our fault. "
As a kid, I didn't know it was
weird to be a ventriloquist-
But I got picked on for it.
The good part was
the bullies didn't know
who to stuff in the gym locker
first, me or the freaking doll-
As for my parents, they were
supportive of my hobby-
But when I was a kid,
if I said something stupid,
my father would go, "Stop
talking out of your butt- "
Ironically, that could be
a whole new bit in my show.
A little muffled voice,
"Let me out."
I'm working on it.
By the time junior high
rolled around,
to make matters worse,
not only was I
a ventriloquist,
but I also chose
to play the trombone.
Yep, the babes
were lined up for that.
So, in school I had braces,
I played the trombone,
and I carried around a dummy.
Even the nerds were like,
"Dude, you can't sit with us."
I'm not kidding, the short'
school bus started picking me up
simply 'cause the driver
figured he was supposed to.
After I graduated
from college,
I moved out to Los Angeles,
got married, had three girls,
and because it was part
of our everyday lives,
I guess my girls thought that what I
did for a living was not unusual-
One day when my youngest daughter
was playing at a friend's house,
she turned to the other kid
and goes,
"Where are your
daddy's dolls?"
True story.
But my daughters
are now young women,
I'm remarried, I'm the
luckiest guy on the planet
to have my wife, Audrey.
When we got married, I knew I
came with a lot of baggage-
There's an ex-wife, three
daughters, six talking dummies---
Try putting that
on your Match.com profile.
But we're here tonight
because my act
has taken me places
I'd never thought possible.
We've done shows in South Africa,
Abu Dhabi, Israel, Malaysia
and places where they can
barely speak English.
Like France
and southern California.
But they even
want me in China.
Heck, yeah, I'll go to China.
And then I can see the factory where small
children make my Jeff Dunham merchandise-
Oh, like Santa Claus
is any freaking different.
But I'm kidding, all of my
merchandise is made right here
in the good o!' US ofA-
Including the little
stickers on the back
that say, "Made in China."
You guys ready for the
little people in the boxes?
The first guy
I would like to introduce,
I think audiences like
because everyone knows
someone like this.
You know somebody like this in your
own family, or where you work-
Please help me welcome
my old friend, Walter.
Shut the hell up.
Walter, they like you.
Only 'cause they were drunk
before they got here.
Aren't you happy
to be here?
Not exactly.
Why not?
This town is too freaking
bizarre for me.
Why do you say that?
On my way in here tonight, I saw
Aquaman on Hollywood Boulevard-
What the hell?
Why would Aquaman
be on Hollywood Boulevard?
Well, there's a drought,
I guess he's homeless.
You know, Walter, there are a lot of
things to like about Los Angeles-
Like what?
Traffic from hell.
Highest gas prices
in the country.
and earthquakes, yay!
I love it here!
Dumb ass.
You ever been
in an earthquake?
Uh, does my wife falling off
of the couch count?
"What the...
Oh, it's you. All right."
Why are you
in a bad mood already?
Well, do you know what it's
like to wake up and discover
that your wife of 45 years has
left and isn't coming back?
No, I don't.
Yeah. Me neither.
But I can dream,
can't I?
Is it really that bad?
The other day, before her birthday,
she started yelling at me,
"Tomorrow, I'd better
see a diamond."
Oh, a diamond.
What'd you do?
I took her
to a baseball game.
So, does your wife
like Hollywood?
Yeah, but she thinks
it's crazy
how many folks in this
town get plastic surgery.
Oh. She wouldn't do that?
Why not?
Come on.
Putting new headlights
on a minivan
doesn't make it
a Corvette.
Yeah, these guys know
what I'm talking about.
And the women who get those
fake, giant whoo-haws,
they don't want you
to miss them either.
How's that? If you look
those women in the eye
when you're talking to them,
they get all pissed off
and they go, "Hey,
my boobs are down here."
I bet your wife likes
at least a few things in LA.
Like what? I don't know, The
Kardashians are filmed here-
I'm sorry, I threw up
in my mouth a little.
Kardashians. Hey!
Who the hell's that new tall chick?
She's kind of hot-
Did I miss something?
Yeah, I think so.
What the hell
are you laughing at?
Walter, that's Caitlyn.
Who the hell is Caitlyn?
Oh! Bruce has a sister?
What the hell
is so funny?
What, is she available?
No, I don't know.
Like, what does
your wife watch on TV?
I don't care.
Are you guys haPPY?
Look at me.
Well, you still love her.
Yeah, of course,
but like most marriages,
we have been through some
difficult times- Sure-
But we stayed together
because of the children.
Oh, you say your children
saved your marriage?
Well, admittedly, a good
marriage can be hard work-
Yeah, I know, I know,
I know, I know it can, yeah.
We went to a marriage
therapist one time.
Just once?
It was a therapist.
You didn't like
the therapist?
Oh, no, he seemed
like a good guy,
but after listening to my
wife talk for 10 minutes,
he jumped out the window.
And if it wasn't for the
leash around my nuts,
I would've
followed the guy.
It was a choke collar.
All right.
Look, Walter, I know for a fact
that you love your family,
you still love your wife,
and I think that
even at this age,
every once in a while
you should still try and be
romantic with your wife-
Good lord.
Like how?
I don't know, do you
ever speak to your wife
in a foreign language,
like in French?
Some women love that.
I call her a French name
now and then.
Mon cherie.
So, is there romance
between you two?
Well, not long ago, my wife
left a trail of rose petals
on the floor for me.
Into the bedroom?
Right out the front door.
You know, there are plenty of
romantic places in this country
you could go for
a special time together.
Like where?
Top of the Empire State Building-
Oh, no, we tried that-
A security guard took one
look at her and went, "Uh-oh-
"King Kong is back!"
See, just like that.
You've been married
for over 45 years.
Have you ever said anything to your
wife that you truly regretted?
Oh, yeah.
"Will you marry me?",
"I love you,"
shit like that.
Come on, when your wife
is a romantic mood,
do you ever think about taking
one of those little pills?
Cyanide? Oh, yeah.
I do actually.
Come on, what does your wife put on
when she's feeling frisky at bedtime?
Night vision goggles.
Then she sneaks around the
house and hunts my ass down-
It is scary stuff,
my friends.
When was the last time you even
put your arms around your wife?
A couple of weeks ago when she
was choking on a piece of steak-
You see, there you
gave her the Heimlich.
Yeah, I know,
I was drunk.
I don't know
what I was thinking.
I was so close.
Maybe you could do
something simple,
like watching
a movie together.
Oh, no, every time we watch
a movie, she falls asleep-
And the next morning I have
to drive back to the theatre
to pick her up
and bring her home.
Have you done anything fun
in town here this week?
You know I don't
like getting out.
Oh, you're a little bit
of a hypochondriac.
Yeah, why don't you wear
one of those paper masks?
Why, it's paper,
it can't stop anything.
I mean hell,
the Constitution is paper,
and it's never stopped
our current administration.
Just trying to get a read
on the crowd tonight.
So I take it you're not exactly happy
with our government right now?
Are you kidding me? Congress's
approval rating is at 12%-
Jock itch has a higher
rating than that-
So you paying attention to
the presidential candidates?
Oh, yeah- How would you feel
about a female president?
Oh! Fine with me.
Just whoever it is, make sure
it's after she hits menopause.
I was there when my wife
went through it.
If she had been President
then, holy crap!
"I'm hot, I'm cold,
I'm sweaty! I'm clammy!
"Fuck you, Russia.
Launch the missiles!"
I'm sorry.
You realize you just offended
about half the room here?
Yeah, and the other half is
trying not to look at their wives
and going, "Yeah,
he's got a point."
So, you told me
you've been
getting on the computer
a lot lately.
Oh, yeah- I've been getting
on Facebook- (LAUGHS)
You get on Facebook?
Yeah- What do you
do on Facebook?
I like getting on there and
defriending everybody possible-
Just so they'll wonder
what the hell
they did wrong.
It's funny as hell.
That's not nice.
I know. If it was nice,
it wouldn't be funny as hell.
I did actually lose a friend
on Facebook the other day
without defriending him.
How's that?
Well, an old buddy of mine
posted that his wife died.
I clicked "like ".
Then I posted, "Mine's still alive.
Sad face- "
So you're getting
into social networking?
Yeah, a little bit. You know
what I don't understand
is why young couples today
keep nude photos of themselves
on their phones and then
text them to each other.
What the hell?
When I was young
and dating my wife,
I never thought,
"She's so beautiful.
"I'm going to marry her. But
first I'm going to send her
"this picture of my balls. "
People ask me all the time
if my show is family friendly.
What am I supposed
to say now?
It depends on your family.
Well, since
you've gone there,
do you and your wife
have a decent love life?
Oh, she does things
to mix it up now and then.
Really? Yeah, she bought
a pair of handcuffs-
Like I needed
another reminder
that I'm serving
a life sentence.
Handcuffs at our age,
that's like
Fifty Shades of Old and Gray.
So, is there good communication
between you two?
I guess.
The other night she said,
"Your lips say no,
but your eyes say yes."
What'd you say?
"I have glaucoma."
So how's the actual love life?
You mean sex?
It's always doggy style.
Yep, she rolls over
and plays dead.
Then I just lick myself
and go to sleep-
I'm sorry.
Come on,
good comedy to me
can paint vivid pictures
in everybody's heads.
That was a fucking Van Gogh.
Yes, it was.
Say goodnight, Walter.
Thanks, everybody!
That's all...
All right.
Thank you.
Well, behind me you see something
that hints at the next guy.
He's from somewhere down
south- He's a good 0/' boy.
Please help me welcome
my buddy, Bubba J.
How you doing, Bubba J?
I'm doing pretty good!
So, what's been
going on lately?
Well, uh, last week
I went to another NASCAR race
and got pretty hammered.
Drunk again ?
No, it's the same drunk,
I just keep extending it.
Yeah, if you're not drinking
at a NASCAR race,
you're not at a NASCAR race.
Where are you?
You're at golf.
Well, Bubba J,
do you drink excessively?
I don't know
what that word means.
What's the longest you've
ever gone without a beer?
How long have I
been out here?
Less than a minute.
There you go.
Do you know
your drinking limits?
Uh, daily or lifetime?
How can you tell someone's
lifetime limit on drinking beer?
Well, if they die when they're
drinking, that was it-
What I meant was, do
you know how much beer
you could have before
you've had too much?
(GAS PS) I could have
too much beer?
That would be fantastic.
Have you ever drank as
much as you wanted? Yeah-
What happened? (LAU G H
S) You looked pretty.
Can't you have fun
without beer?
Yeah, but why risk it?
I don't know.
Would you rather drink beer out
of a can, a bottle, or on tap?
Uh, yes, yes,
and yes.
Just remember, Bubba J,
you should never drink alone.
(LAUGHS) You're not
fooling anybody.
That's why you have us.
So your favourite time to
drink is at sporting events?
Uh, yes, sporting events,
yeah. It's good, yeah.
Do you drink beer
every day?
Uh, only on my days off.
You don't have a job.
My favourite holiday to get
drunk on is St- Patrick's Day.
There's all the Germans.
I didn't know
you were Irish.
I'm not- I also get
drunk on Cinco de Mayo
and Martin Luther
King Day,
and I'm not Mexican
or black- Oh, okay.
(WHISPERING) Oh, sorry,
sorry, sorry, sorry.
What? I don't want anybody
thinking I'm racist-
Why would anyone
think you're racist?
Because I said "Mexican".
And I also said "black",
sorry about that. Sorry.
Bubba J, it's okay to say
"Mexican" and "black".
It is?
Why, 'cause everybody
here is white?
No, it's just okay
to use those words.
Okay. Well, thanks
for keeping me real, cracker.
Oh, wait a minute.
No, no.
You're a saltine American.
So, Bubba J, you know we're
right here in Hollywood-
Oh yeah.
What do you think of LA?
Oh, I don't like it.
You don't like LA?
Oh, I thought you
I like LA and I love beer.
That's good-
But I got to do something
about my gut.
Oh, you're going to
start working out?
No, I'm going to
get a bigger shirt.
Somebody told me
that to stay in shape,
I should get a trainer.
Yeah, that's a good idea.
I did it.
Yeah- You did? How's that going?
Pretty good. So far I can sit
and shake and roll over.
And then I get a cookie.
So what else do you
know about LA?
Uh, the bad traffic here
reminds me of marriage.
How's that?
You're stuck in it because
there was an accident-
Walter told me
to tell that one.
That's a good one, isn't it?
Here's another one Walter told
me, you want to hear this?
Getting married is like
your iTunes agreement-
How's that?
You have no idea
what you're saying yes to,
but you'll agree just so
it'll shut the hell up-
So, you've been
to Disneyland?
Oh, I love Disneyland.
Did you...
Did you see
"it's a Small World"?
Is that the one
where you go on a date
and it turns out
she's your cousin,
and you go,
"Ooh, small world"?
Been there,
done that.
Hey, did you know they now
sell beer at Disneyland?
I did know that- How
old do you have to be
to, uh, drink beer
at Disneyland?
Oh, no, everything
goes by height.
So you got drunk
at Disneyland?
No. I stayed drunk
at Disneyland-
Bubba J,
that's not good.
I know, it was bad.
At the arcade, I thought
we were really hunting
and I shot Donald Duck.
He had a big one
in the suit,
now he walks
a little goofy.
(LAUGHS) Get it?
Hey, did you know
that here in LA, last week,
some guy tried to sell me
a map to the stars?
Oh, did you get it? No, I went,
"Duh, buddy. Just look up- "
So, Bubba J, when we're
in southern California,
are you ever worried
about earthquakes?
No, I'm used to it,
the ground is always moving
when you're hammered.
If it stops suddenly,
that's when I fall down.
Hey, do they have
Wal-Marts in Los Angeles?
Sure, you like Wal-Mart?
Oh, yeah.
It's so convenient.
Where else can you get...
I screwed up the joke.
Wait a minute,
you screwed up the joke!
Don't make me say
what I did, you did,
and then make it
your fault, my fault,
my brain hurts now.
What were you
trying to ask?
No, what were you trying
to make me ask?
I didn't screw this up,
you did.
I may be dumb,
but you're helping me.
All right.
You want to try
that joke again- Huh?
You, you want to
try the joke again?
You mean from the start?
Sure, just, just to
get it right.
Duh, redo the whole joke?
Uh... Okay.
Okay, all right.
Okay. Okay-
Okay, 0K8)',
okay, Okay-
Oh, yeah.
What's my first line?
Do they have
Wal-Marts in Los...
Okay, I got it,
Do they have the
Wal-Marts, okay, okay.
This is like acting.
Okay. Take two.
Hey, Jeff!
Yes, Bubba J?
Oh, that was
really natural.
You're good,
that was good, okay.
(LOUDLY) Hey, do they have
Wal-Marts in Los Angeles?
(WHISPERS) Hurry up, you're
fucking up the timing.
Yes, they do have
Wal-Marts in Los Angeles.
Don't laugh when I talk,
it fucks the whole thing up.
You like Wal-Marts?
Yes. It's so convenient!
Where else can you get
Cheez-Its, tampons,
and a canoe,
all in the same place?
And now back to our
regularly scheduled show.
Hey, Mr. D, why are we on
stage like this all the time?
This is my job.
What is?
This is.
To stand here and talk to everybody?
That's right-
That's your job?
Don't exactly need a college
education for this, do you?
Well, I graduated
from college.
Oh, and now you do this?
That's right-
Well, that was a big ass
waste of money, wasn't it?
You need more education to
boil an egg than you do this-
Hey, can you boil an egg? Yeah-
Well, there you go, you got
something to fall back on-
Hey, I forgot
to tell you,
Walter told me
I should get on Titter.
Oh. Well, that doesn't
sound as fun, does it?
Hey, you know what the hardest
part is about the Internet for me?
What? Remembering
all the passwords-
Oh, well,
keep it simple.
Just use the name
of someone you love.
My dog? Sure, what's
your dog's name?
Your dog's name
is Dog?
Actually it's "Doug",
but the "U" is silent.
It's Italian.
Bubba J,
have you tweeted?
Oh, yeah,
sorry about that.
It's a big room,
I didn't know you'd know.
I usually blame
that on Doug.
Hey, somebody told me
they saw me on the Internet.
Oh, have you
googled yourself?
Not in public.
And not a lot.
I can still see.
So I take it you grew
up in a small town?
Yeah, pretty small.
How small?
Well, we didn't have
the street lights,
so the hookers
stood under a flash light.
I called her Ever Ready.
You know, Walter and I were
talking about our government-
Yeah. Do you pay
attention to politics?
Oh, yeah- I pay attention, yeah,
politics, yeah, sure. Sure do, okay-
Okay, can I ask you your opinion
on some current issues?
Oh, yeah, current issues,
okay, right, right.
Let's talk about some things
you might be familiar with.
Okay, for example,
Bubba J,
what is your feeling
on gun control?
Oh, I know this one.
Oh, yeah, if you're drunk and
seeing double, shoot in the middle-
So what do you think
about taxing the 1%?
Oh, I don't know,
I drink whole milk.
Are you familiar with the term
No Child Left Behind?
I think the movie's actually
called Home Alone.
So, what do you think about
immigration reform?
Is it bad for me to say I'm kind
of on the fence on this one?
All right, what do you think
about the Clintons?
My wife says
I can never find it.
No, Hillary Clinton.
It has a first name?
I always thought the full
name sounded like a dinosaur.
Either way, it's fossilized.
(LA U G H S)
How would you feel
about a woman President?
Oh, no.
Does Obama want
to become a woman, too?
I'm all for a woman
just so long as she doesn't
start all her speeches with,
"Where the hell
were you last night?"
But I heard it could be Hillary
against Jeb.
That's right- Either way, we are going
to have a bush in the White House-
I'm sorry.
You get it?
Unless she goes
to Brazil.
Will you stop?
Get it? 'Cause there's no
bush in Brazil- I got it-
I do some of these
just for me, you know, so...
So another big issue, I'm afraid
to even ask this one, um---
you feel about fracking?
Me and the wife are down to
about once a month.
No, I'm talking about drilling
into a hole and hitting gas-
Yeah, so am I.
Say goodnight,
Bubba J.
Night, everybody!
That's Bubba J!
All right.
Before we get started,
something that has been
bugging me,
you know, I travel
all over the world
with industrial strength
humidifiers for my voice.
I come to Hollywood,
big show like this,
and what do they get me,
not the industrial strength,
no, they give me
the Hello Kitty humidifier.
Great, thanks guys,
it's fabulous.
So if I run out of voice
tonight, it's their damn fault.
early days of television,
commercials were done live
in front of studio audiences.
Well, just like back then, I get to do
my own commercial for you, right now.
For something
that I am selling.
It's the Little Jeff
ventriloquist dummy!
So, let me show you how a professional
ventriloquist dummy works, all right?
So in the box, this is more
than just a dummy in the box,
it's a full circle program that
I have, uh, come up with here,
you also get a DVD.
On the DVD are me and all
the guys from my shop,
teaching how
to do ventriloquism,
anybody can learn to do it,
just takes some practice.
Along with that DVD
comes a book,
it's all the same lessons
in written form,
and then, of course, there's
Little Jeff in the box,
and also, uh,
when you get Little Jeff,
you'll also notice there's a
big plastic bag over his head-
Um, I learned that taking
care of my own kids-
Oh, it's great, it slows
them down just enough,
it's pretty great.
So, um...
But let me show you how a professional
ventriloquist dummy works-
This will be a little
disconcerting for some people,
but you pull
the head off.
And the body on a professional
ventriloquist dummy
is usually hollow, there's nothing
inside that chest cavity.
But in the top of the
shoulders is a hole
and inside that hole goes
what's called the control stick
or the head stick.
And on that head stick
are the various controls
to move the different movements
on the dummy's face-
This one does the mouth,
this one does the eyes.
You put them all together,
you can bring him to life.
As for the voice
for Little Jeff,
in one of my earlier acts,
way back when,
Peanut, one of my
other characters,
he had a Little Jeff
and he did a show with him.
He had his voice
for Little Jeff,
but I have to come up
with my own voice for him.
Because I can't do the same
voices that Peanut does-
Thank you
for getting that joke.
I promise you there have
been a handful of audiences
I've done that joke,
and they don't get it.
They sit there and look at
each other and go,
"Oh, yeah, you can't do the same voice
Peanut can. Can't do it, so--- "
How you doing, Little Jeff?
Uh, doing fine-
So here we are at the Dolby
Theater in Hollywood,
and I know I'm supposed
to come up here
and talk to all
the nice folks.
VVh y is there a little Hello
Kitty on the freaking stage?
Well, it's kind of covered up,
but that's my humidifier.
For Little Jeffy's voice-
Oh, you're getting pissed
now- That's funny as hell-
You realize you're
getting pissed at yourself.
I know you're getting pissed,
I can see it in my eyes.
So why am I here?
I want you to demonstrate.
Demonstrate what?
What you can do.
Oh great, ya y,
This is so much fun,
okay, here we go,
watch closely,
it goes by fast.
Ready, here we go.
Mouth, ah-ah-la-la-la.
Eyes, mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.
Head. Mmm, mmm,
mmm, mmm.
There, am I fucking done? Hey!
I'm sorry. What,
what do I got to do?
I know what
you're going to do,
you're going to demonstrate me,
then put me back in a box,
and sell my ass.
This sucks!
How much am I?
What? What? What
do you mean, what?
Why the hell
did you say that?
You freaking made me say it,
don't say "what".
We all know it's fake.
How much am I?
95 bucks.
95 bucks!
For this?
What a rip-off!
Well, there's more
in the box.
Oh, now it's like
a freaking infomercial.
(GASPS) "There's more?
"Jeff, how could there
possibly be more?
"We don't know
how you do this.
"What else is
in the box, Jeff?"
Well, besides you in the
box, there's a DVD- Of what?
Lessons in ventriloquism. VVh y?
Well, if somebody
purchases Little Jeff,
and they want to learn
or if they have
a child at home.
That's a great idea.
Yeah, if you have a kid at home
who's a total social outcast,
sucks at sports,
girls won't talk to him,
give him a fucking doll.
Due to the included D VD,
he can teach himself
then go to school
and do shows, yay!
Then two months later,
free of charge,
they'll send you another
DVD on self-defense!
'Cause if he does
this crap at school,
he's going to get
beat up a lot!
Little too close to home
there, Jeffy?
(HIGH-PITCHED) "What else
is in the box, Jeff?"
Well, only at the live shows like this
evening, when you purchase a Little Jeff,
also inside the box,
I've included an 8 x 1O
photograph of myself and Achmed
that I've personally
No one cares.
Stop it, stop it.
Stop it, come back.
Stop it.
Stop it. Stop it.
Stop it.
Stop m
Come on, stop
touching me.
What? Are you a fucking Catholic priest?
Cut it out.
What the hell
is that?
This is also
in the box.
Porn ?
You should include
porn in the box,
you'll sell
more dolls!
Little something
for everybody.
This is a book on how
to do ventriloquism.
That's great.
I bet that's a
real page-turner.
(HIGH-PITCHED) "What else
is in the box, Jeff?"
Well, in the back of the book are
three routines that I wrote-
That's great.
Well, if somebody
purchases Little Jeff,
they can learn ventriloquism
from the DVD,
then memorize
one of these routines,
and then pretty much instantly
be on stage performing-
That's great.
You know, Jeff,
sometimes I lie awake
in bed at night,
wondering to myself,
what's truly wrong
with our country today.
Not long ago, I think
I figured it out.
There's not enough
But now, with you selling
the Little Jeff dummies
and the DVDs on
how to do ventriloquism,
there's going to be
a lot more ventriloquists.
You're helping
to heal our nation.
Is this sarcasm?
So what I would like
to do this evening
is to perform one
of these three routines.
Please, sir, may I
help you do that?
The routine that I picked
to do this evening
is one that I wrote
as a tribute
to the comedy team,
Abbott and Costello.
Their most famous rout...
There you go.
Their most famous
routine was
one I really enjoyed
listening to as a child,
and this is pretty much
my nod to them.
That's great.
Why do you
have the book?
So I can
read the routine.
Didn't you write
this shit?
Just seems like these nice folks spent
a lot of money on their tickets-
I mean, you could take a couple
of minutes and fucking memorize-
So you're going to
read your lines?
Yes, I'm going to
read my lines!
And somehow having never seen
the book, I'll just know mine!
Yeah, let's all pretend the little
dummy's actually reading a book!
Oh, did I fuck up
the illusion ?
Sorry, Mr.
Now what are you doing?
Trying to get to the correct
page using just one hand.
You can do it, Forrest.
Run, Forrest, run!
Hey, you better hurry before
your cat runs out of water.
'Cause as we all know, there's
nothing worse than a dry.--
That was too close.
That's what
she said.
All right, so the first line
in here says, "How are you?"
And in parentheses,
"Figure's name
What the hell's
a figure?
A figure is the ventriloquist's
politically-correct term
for the word "dummy".
So you're technically
a ventriloquist's figure.
From now on, we would like to be
referred to as wooden Americans-
We're going to need some
land and slot machines.
I'll become Chief Little Jeff
and you're named Dumb ass.
Oh, we can use Hello Kitty
for smoke signals.
Well, you've always said you wanted
a hot, smoking pussy--- Cat-
Cat, pussy cat, I said pussy cat!
Meow! Meow!
Meow! Pussy cat!
Meow, meow!
You ready?
I guess.
All right,
here we go.
How are you, Little Jeff?
Kind of sad-
Why is that? Everyone
makes fun of my dog-
What's wrong with your dog?
Then why do people
make fun of him?
He has kind of
a weird name.
I see, did you come up
with the name yourself?
Yeah, my mom lets me
name all my pets- Sure-
What's your dog's name?
I Forgot.
How could you forget?
Forget what?
You said you forgot your
dog's name- No, I didn't-
Yes, you did- No, I said
my dog's name is I Forgot-
Right what?
You said it again.
Said what again?
That you forgot
your dog's name.
No. What's wrong
with you?
You just said, "My dog's
name is I Forgot- " Exactly!
Exactly what?
That's his name.
Whose name?
The dog's!
That you forgot.
Do you have a dog?
What's his name?
I Forgot.
How could you? I don't know
what you're talking about!
You're nuts.
That's the cat.
Who is?
You're Nuts.
I am not- I didn't say you
were, but the cat is-
The cat is what?
You're Nuts.
Stop saying that.
That's her name!
Do you have a dog?
What's his name?
I Forgot.
No one forgets their own
dog's name- I didn't-
Then why don't you tell me his name?
I just did-
But you forgot?
No, I Forgot.
You're nuts.
The cat.
Do you speak English?
That's the hamster.
Who is?
Do You Speak English.
I just asked you that.
That's the hamster.
Yes, what?
I was answering your question.
I didn't ask a question!
Yes, you did.
You asked me if
I spoke English.
No, I was telling you
the hamster's name.
You're nuts.
Say goodnight.
I'm Little Jeff.
So, folks...
This next guy, we don't
know where he's from,
we don't know
what he is,
but he's purple,
he's wacky...
Please help me welcome my buddy Peanut!
How you doing,
Doing pretty good, how about you?
I'm fine-
That's good, that's
good, that's good!
You like it here? I don't
like it here- I love it-
I love it right here
in Hollywood.
La-La Land, Tinseltown,
the City of Dreams,
the City ofAnge/s, West Hollywood.
It's all fabulous!
It's show biz.
It's show biz.
Let's do lunch,
call me, toodles.
Hey! I'm glad you like it here.
Why do the paparazzi need to get
a picture of Kim Kardashian?
If you'd leave her alone,
she'd just do it all herself!
click, click. Click, click, click-
Oh, got to do my butt,
panorama. Ahhh...
Now there's a selfie that?!
take a while to download-
And then there's
Kim and Kanye!
The big ass who married
the bigger ass-
Stop it.
Yeah, Kim got famous
from a sex tape.
I was going to
do that myself,
but realized
it was a bad idea.
Why is that? 'Cause I realized
you'd have to be there too!
Stop it!
What is wrong
with you tonight?
Nothing, I'm fine.
It's all great, great!
Fine, I love it here, I love it-
Love it in Hollywood, it's great!
You sure you're okay?
I'm fine! I'm fine!
I did not go to Starbucks,
I did not! Not!
Okay, yes I did,
I went to frigging Starbucks!
I--. Love it, love
coffee, it's great!
You went there?
Maybe, no.
Yes, I think so!
You're not supposed to
have any caffeine.
I know, sorry, I did, I know. You're
right, you're right, but I did anyway-
Yes! What did you ha ve ?
Sorry, I jumped ahead
to the next question!
Are you okay? I'm fine, I'm
fine, I love this stuff!
Is coffee legal? ls coffee legal, is it
legal, is this stuff legal, is it legal,
I can't believe
this stuff's legal!
You need help- (STUTTERS)
No, I need a latte-
Question- Is it normal for your
heart to sound like a weed eater?
Don't go to any more
coffee places.
You know what I heard
the other day?
I heard that some folks get
something called a coffee enema-
I don't know what that is, I
don't want to know what that is,
and please don't let it ever
show up on the menu at---
On the other hand, if you really
want to pull an awesome joke
when you're
standing in line,
secretly write it on
the chalkboard menu!
Then you get
to the register,
point to it
and say,
last time
I had that one frozen.
It gave my
butt the shivers!
I'm going to open
my own coffee place.
This could be a whole,
new line of beverages for me.
"Cafe Booty."
The ass-presso!
The crap-uccino.
The best part of waking up is
coffee in your butt.
Stop it.
How long have you
been like this?
So you're addicted
to caffeine?
Is there any way
you can get off it?
I tried a patch.
That didn't work.
VVh y? I stuck it on my arm,
took it off my arm,
rolled it up, smoked it-
Ya y!
And then I tried some kind of
gum, but that didn't work- Gum?
Because I it mixed up
with a condom,
that's a big ass bubble
right there.
Hey, you lost a shoe.
No dude,
I found one.
What the fuck
It's not funny!
I hate you!
I guess I know what we're
not gonna see on TV.
I'm a professional.
Sorry, he just kind of
got away from me there.
Sorry, Peanut.
Stand up.
Come on, stand up.
You're fine.
Close your mouth.
Close your mouth!
Apparently, they can
understand you and I can't.
Can you close your mouth? Huh?
What? What?
Help me.
Help me close my
freaking mouth.
Your hand.
Your hand!
Oh, you want me to
close your mouth?
Close my mouth.
What the hell
is that?
Your hand.
It smells like shit.
What? Your hand
smells like shit-
Smell it.
Smell it!
Smell your hand!
It smells like shit.
What did you do?
Look, I'm just gonna...
Oh, stop it.
Ugh! You got shit
on your face!
You be shit-faced.
Look, I'm just gonna...
No, no, no.
Oh, you got it fixed.
Oh, fine, now don't ever
let that happen again!
I'll kick your ass.
I can find another guy.
Yeah, you'll be talking
to your freaking sock!
You know, you're like the
Donald Trump of ventriloquism.
What does that mean?
You have no idea what you're doing,
but you're really good at it-
You know, Trump could
learn something from you-
How's that? He's always saying
things that'll get him into trouble-
Yeah- He should just
put me on his knee
and I'll say
the stuff for him.
I mean, Biden does that
with Obama all the time.
But I guess that's better than being
the Hillary Clinton of ventriloquism-
And what is that?
I don't know, I had
the joke in my e-mail,
but somehow
it got deleted.
Or you could be the Bush
of ventriloquism.
The Bush of ventriloquism?
By the time you get
to the third dummy,
everyone knows it's going
to be the same old crap-
I don't know why you make
fun of people like that-
I'm not making
fun of anybody.
I think that's
what that was.
You know, I used to
make fun of my grandpa.
Why'd you make fun
of your grandpa ?
'Cause he had
a hearing aid.
You can't make
fun of that.
I didn't make fun of him,
I made fun with him.
What do you mean? Grandpa owned
those really old hearing aids,
the kind you had
to adjust.
I used to run up to Grandpa
and I'd go, "Hey, Grandpa.
"Listen, I was wondering,
do you think that we could... "
Grandpa 'd be like, "What the
hell's wrong with this damn thing?"
Peanut, that's
really mean!
Yeah, but that
was funny as hell.
In fact, it was so funny,
Grandma started doing it.
They had a really
old dog too,
they eventually had to put stickers
across their sliding glass door,
otherwise that dog would try and
run right through the glass door.
I used to stand inside
with a tennis ball,
and then pretend
to throw it outside.
That dog would be like...
Sometimes Grandpa and that dog
would try and take walks together.
They'd both try and walk through
the glass door at the same time-
Grandma would be like, "I just got through
cleaning that thing- What the heck--- "
Peanut, what if your grandpa
was here this evening?
Wouldn't you feel kind of bad?
I guess-
What would you say
to your grandpa?
I'm sorry, Grandpa.
I didn't mean to upset...
Am I going to hell?
Well, we're in Hollywood.
Here we are.
Say goodnight, Peanut.
Thanks, you GUYS!
All right, so we
have one guy left.
And it amazes me
that I get to give this
introduction, but it's the truth-
And it's all because of great
folks like you, and here it is-
Please help me welcome, the most beloved
terrorist throughout the world---
Achmed, the dead terrorist.
Thank you.
Greetings, American
All right, Achmed, for the folks
who might not know you---
Hey, hey, hey.
Everyone knows me!
I don't know
about everyone.
Well, if they don't, then that means
they've been living in a cave
and have crappy Internet service.
Achmed- - - Who do you think the
most famous dead terrorist is?
It's probably Osama Bin
Laden- He doesn't count!
Why not?
He's dead.
You're dead.
He's dead-dead.
What's the difference?
He's not on Facebook.
Okay, but your
name is Achmed.
Yes. Achmed,
the dead terrorist.
Do you know me,
You see,
I rock.
All right.
To be honest, Achmed,
I don't understand
why people like you.
Oh. That's easy.
If folks had to pick between Justin Bieber,
Kim Kardashian and a dead terrorist,
I win that contest
fucking hands-down.
Thank you.
I kill you.
Thank you.
I kill you.
Thank you. I kill you.
All right.
So as a terrorist...
Excuse me ?
I said,
"As a terrorist..."
You think just because I look like this,
this automatically makes me a terrorist?
You just said you were a terrorist!
No, I didn't-
Are you crazy?
Yeah, little bit, Why?
That's another thing!
You always say
my name incorrectly.
It's not Achmed.
It's (G UTTU RAL) Argh-med!
It's so frustrating.
The only folks who get my name right
are Jewish guys and heavy smokers-
But the best is
a Jewish heavy smoker.
(G UTTU RA L) "Argh-med- "
So is there an English
equivalent for the name Achmed?
What's that?
It's not funny!
I kill you!
I love this stuff, yeah.
I got made fun of a lot
in school for that name.
What school?
Suicide-bomber school.
Really? And ironically,
we were in district C-4-
So how many teachers
did you have?
just one.
But we went through
a lot of substitutes.
And what were
the substitutes like?
A little nervous.
And always young.
Yeah, that's another thing- Why
are suicide bombers always young?
What, you want us to use old guys
that are already almost dead?
Son of a female goat!
I never thought of that.
Hurry this crap up, I have
to go make a phone call-
So, Achmed, why do you
wear a turbine?
Turban, sorry.
Yes, Jeff.
A tur-bine!
Wow, the SAT was a
bitch, wasn't it?
I wear a turbine because it's
more powerful than a jet pack
Hey, do you know what Donald
Trump and I have in common?
What's that?
We never let anyone see
the real tops of our heads.
What is that thing on his head?
I don't know.
If you ever meet him,
you should make it talk!
Wait, wait.
With a Mexican accent.
So what do you think
of Donald Trump?
I actually
love the guy.
But you think I'm crazy?
That guy's bonkers.
Even the ISIS guys are like,
"What the hell, dude? Calm down-
"We'll build your wall just to
keep you away from us!"
So I understand, you flew in today?
On a commercial airline.
No problems?
Like what?
You know- With the TSA,
the X-ray machine-
You idiot! For you it's an
X-ray, for me it's a selfie.
So are you enjoying
your time here?
Oh, very much.
I get recognized a lot
in Hollywood.
I was out in front of the theater
today, signing autographs-
They thought I was
an Olsen twin.
Oh, screw you, that's a funny joke.
That reminds me, did you know I have
been adding to my career skills lately?
Doing what? I am now not
just a dead terrorist---
I am a dead
A cyber-terrorist?
Don't forget to
like me on Facebook.
You know, Achmed, maybe for
a different line of work,
you could do something
that would help people.
Like what? I could answer a
suicide hotline. (LAUGHS)
I'd be like, "No, no, you're
fine, go ahead. You're good- "
That's horrible- They're laughing.
Not my fault-
So if you're going to
be a cyber-terrorist,
do you have a new catch
phrase besides "I kill you"?
Oh, yes,
this is a good one.
It's going to scare the crap out of you.
I click you!
Why are they laughing?
Because "cyber-terrorist"
makes you sound like a nerd.
(GASPS) Being a cyber-terrorist
is not easy- It takes balls-
Not real ones! What are you
looking at, you pervert?
What the hell?
Yes, they're gone.
I lost them
in the explosion.
Bye-bye balls.
But I found them again.
Balls don't bounce.
There they are.
And you kept them?
Dude, you don't just throw
away your own nuts.
How the hell
would that work?
Hello, Salvation Army,
have I got something for you!
What would you
do with them?
Oh, I didn't make a key chain
or something like that.
Or hide it under my pillow
and wait for the ball fairy.
Wait, is there
such a thing?
How much could I get
from the ball fairy?
It's a matching set.
In the original wrapper.
Oh, okay, don't ask me
how I carry them.
I have a ball boy.
All right.
You don't have them with you?
No, no-
No, they're at home in my junk drawer.
So, Achmed, what does a
cyber-terrorist actually do?
As I said before,
no more killing.
You never have
killed anyone.
I delete you!
Ah, is that
a new phrase?
Wait a minute, how do
you delete someone?
It's not as easy
as you think.
You first have to
highlight, then backspace.
But explain what a
cyber-terrorist actually does-
I terrorize
by computer.
Okay, but what do you think the best weapon
you have is to make computers not work?
Windows Vista.
Do you send spam?
You idiot.
No pork.
That was for all my Jewish
friends out there, ya y!
Have you spread
any viruses?
Well, before the explosion, I had
a little itch, but it went away-
If you're a cyber-terrorist,
who's your biggest enemy now?
The CIA,
the FBI?
I asked her to search the web
for booby-traps and she said,
"I found a number
of Hooters near you. "
Siri did that?
And then I asked her how
to get into the White House,
and she said, "Lower taxes and do
something about illegal immigration- "
Thanks, bitch.
Have you attempted any real
cyber-terrorism yet? Yes-
VVhafd you do ? I hacked
the Obama Care website-
What happened? I
accidentally made it better.
I'm kidding, I love Barack.
He and I grew up together.
In Hawaii.
In Hawaii.
I'm sorry,
I thought they knew.
Should I show them
my birth certificate?
Look, Achmed, no matter what, you'll
always, to me, be a suicide bomber.
No, I was a suicide bomber.
That's a one-time deal.
Well, what was a typical day
like for a suicide bomber?
You idiot,
it was only one day.
And it wasn't
even a full day.
You could try for
two in a row,
but you'd end up
like the Seahawks.
But do not worry,
I will never blow up anything if I don't
have my lucky charm, which I lost-
You had a lucky charm.
What was it?
I had a little
camel's toe.
What the hell
are they laughing at?
What? I had a little
camel toe.
You used to look at
it all the time!
I'm not kidding, he would
rub it for good luck-
Can we sell
little fake ones online?
Achmed's lucky
camel toe.
Makes a great
stocking stuffer!
You think
anybody saw that?
Where is it?
It's on...
It's on the floor.
Get it, you idiot.
Get my freaking arm!
Go get my arm.
Don't leave me here,
I'll fall down.
Go with me.
Put it back!
Put it back!
Okay, sorry,
I don't know...
Cheap construction.
All right,
fine, there.
It's not funny!
I kill you
from here!
How would you do that?
Just throw me-
Why not?
You did Peanut.
Can you put it back? I think.
I don't know what's wrong-
Just put it...
You are so cute.
All right, I think
it's good. Is it okay?
Oops, sorry.
Don't touch my leg!
It's not funny!
Don't touch it,
I can do this myself.
It's not funny!
Stop laughing-
Stop laughing at me!
This is not funny
at all.
This is all your fault.
I kill you again.
What? I can do...
Don't touch my leg!
I still got it.
Don't let me fall down!
What the hell?
You want me to fix?
Yes, fix my leg.
Don't touch my
You don't have one-
It's a phantom wee-wee-
His name is Robert.
Unless it's really cold,
then it's Bob.
And don't
make it talk-
All right.
It's not
funny at all, okay?
I think we're good. All right-
So, now...
What the hell?
How can I be naked?
I feel naked!
Fix all this! I'm going
to bite you to death!
It's not funny,
not funny one bit.
I kill you.
This one won't stay.
Take it out,
I can feel that.
Want to call it quits?
I think so.
You guys have been
absolutely fantastic.
Thank you
and good night.
Thank you!