Unicorn City (2012) Movie Script

You are my fever
A heat beneath my bones,
I won't escape it
My skin's as thin as
those who've come before
All those that suffer
for the greater good
You are my temptress
Why can't you see that I am working
Stop bothering me
And take the key in case
you need to come back
And I can smell what you're cooking
I'm nearly torn from the moment
By the rattle you make
And I'm walkin' through
feelings that you love me
But just because I can hear you
doesn't mean I can't sleep
And you wanna believe
that you can tempt me
No, no, no
Oh, oh, oh
I don't need it, I can identify
Oh, oh, I'll just break
it as you ought to reply
And you're walking
through feelings
I will remind you that
this body will keep
And I wanna believe
that you can tempt me
And I wanna believe
that you can tempt me
And I wanna believe
that you can tempt me
No, no, no, no
No, you cannot graft the thumbs
of a dead orc onto your paws
Just so you can hold a sword.
Is it not conceivable that I
would have at least a half thumb
From my grandmother's
recessive gene?
Tygraxamus, you can't have a sword.
- This is stupid.
- Weak.
Guys, this bickering is totally
ruining my suspension of disbelief.
I mean, you lure me into a barnyard
of the coveted brain juice
Just to corner me with these
bloodsucking bovines.
And your problem is?
Spontaneously growing appendages
in the middle of the campaign
Disrupts my story's
delicate balance.
Frickin' puss 'n boots
carries a sword.
I warned you months ago
the ills of selecting
A feline digitagrade
as your character.
You're killin' the game, Shadow Hawk.
Clancy, I'll protect you.
We're eatin' veal tonight.
Who's with me?
- I'd follow you anywhere, my liege.
- Epic.
With the song of old, I,
Magmald Teufelschlager,
Will protect you from
their mind control.
- Sing with me.
- Aah...
Voss, you can't do that.
I can't do what?
Sing. You have no vocal cords.
I'm a bardladin, okay? Slaying
and singing is what I do.
You are a wandering phantom
trapped in the astral plane.
You've cut the umbilical cord that
tethered your soul to the mortal world.
- Your body is back at the glen.
- I didn't cut my cord.
- Pat, did I cut my cord?
- No cords were cut.
You tried sharpening
your sword on it.
No, I wasn't.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yes.
- No.
- Yep. Yep.
- No, there was no sharpening.
- Yep. Yep.
- You're having a senior moment!
Personal attacks.
Very mature.
Every time Magmald defies
one of your lame monsters,
Your reap vengeance on
a member of the guild.
And you're creating monsters that don't
even exist in the known universe.
Release Moon-Strider
from the pale ruby.
Let me come down from
the astral plane.
- Give Tygraxamus some thumbs!
- Yeah!
May I remind you, it's "D of D"...
"Dawn of days"... My
game, my creation!
If you don't like it, Voss, Why
don't you go join another guild?!
But stop picking apart my narrative in
some desperate attempt for attention!
Three hundred dollars?
Come on, Gary, I can get a couple of
pristine plastic tables for 20 bucks.
Mr. Gary says this is
for punitive damages
For the other times you popped your
lid and scared customers away.
Personally, I think
it's pretty gracious
Considering he could press charges.
Why does he have my sword?
To ensure that Mr. Gary is paid in full.
Or you could take a ride.
Oh, that sucks.
What's worse is he's never
gonna last in prison,
Not with a pretty face like that.
Oh, that's Pat-Pat. I gotta go.
- I'll talk to you later.
- I'll think positive. Tell me what happens.
You've been wearing my
magnets. I can tell.
Your complexion is less...
Admit it. The therapy works.
Uh, yeah. Thanks for...
letting me use them.
Oh, stay your hand.
Have you tried sleeping with them?
I find my dreams change color
depending on where I place them.
I'm leaving.
My freakin' hard drive.
Oh, man!
So, how was working
with your brother?
I don't know. Maybe it's coming
from the gaming industry
To, uh, food service,
but I can't do it.
You know, they don't
even have benefits?
You're gonna have to get a
job at some point, right?
You can come work at
Digicert with me.
Oh, no, actually, I have my interview
with Warlocks of the Beach,
Warlocks of the...
Of the Beach?
Yeah, that's the one that's
gonna take you to Seattle?
- Yeah.
- And that's... This is a good thing.
This is great... for you.
This is your dream.
Yeah. I'm gonna sell 'em on my new
ideas for that gaming scenario.
I figure it's time for
me to move up, so...
And that's it. Oh...
Um, I'll see ya tomorrow.
You know what? Actually, um,
I have some good news of my own.
Did you know that I've been
dating someone online?
Yeah, I remember.
Oh. You... You do. Okay, well...
I wanted to show you.
His name is Tanick Stormblade.
He's a rogue, huh? Those are
sweet heroic shoulder pads.
Yeah, when we melee together, it's
like we've done so in a former life.
As you can imagine, our
relationship is very special,
And so after months
of online courtship,
I feel his intentions are noble...
And so tomorrow we're
meeting for hoagies.
Sweet. Be careful.
I... I will.
But if he does the same
thing Samantha did...
You and Samantha broke up?
Yeah. She said she wanted
somebody more responsible.
I am...
I'm so sorry about that.
I... I'm so sorry...
to hear that.
- Let's... Do you want to talk about this?
- Nope.
But hey, if Tanick hurts
you, let me know,
I'll find his character
online and kick its ass.
Thank you... Voss.
The most important lesson in life
Is that you are what
you pretend to be.
Did you pull that out
of a fortune cookie?
It's the secret to
surviving this world.
You want to be a knight,
pretend you're a knight
And live by their code
and think like one.
And in the end, you ARE a knight.
Well, I'm just tired
of wasting my life,
Not being productive.
You're not gonna be out
there just, like, doing...
Oh, hey.
Where's Voss?
He's not...
I will break your liver.
You didn't show up
at the taco shop.
Aaah! Clancy!
You said that your unemployment
would help me pay the rent...
Ow!!!! And then you told
me that you'd have a job,
What was that, five,
six months ago?
Ow! Ow!
I'm sensing a pattern here.
I don't like it.
Ow! I have my meeting with
Warlocks at the Beach, all right?!
I'm not going smelling
like a fish taco!
Now, this is a new choke hold I learned
tonight from Jackson the mighty.
It's a ballet of
violence, brother...
A ballet of violence.
Unh! Pliee....
I have my interview tomorrow!
You tellin' me the truth? Yeah?
'Cause if you're lying, then
you're out of here, bro.
Why don't you choke Clancy anymore?
Because Clancy participates,
helps me pay the rent.
And look at him...
Can't handle my rhythm.
Right, Clance?
Yeah... yeah.
I held out for twice that long.
Tapping is for suckers.
What'd you guys eat?
Bok Choy.
Bok Choy?
Hey. Hey, bro.
Hey. Hey.
Hey, there he is.
do you feel all tingly?
I love that.
Yah! Yah!
I have to tell you
something serious.
I haven't been honest...
About my feelings.
I'm in love with someone else.
Very real.
Okay. Um, I'm sorry
That I led you on
At the Tavern of the Green Dragon.
It's not you. It's me.
We can still...
fight together,
Just... not as often.
Tanick. Tanick.
I'm an awful person.
What's wrong?
I want to create a love
interest for Rashanna
To experience for
the duration of this campaign,
And I really like the idea of her
falling in love with your character.
And I've already created
a backstory
How she lost her husband to
a freak white dragon accident
And is now in tremendous
mental turmoil
Because of her sudden rebound,
So she's very vulnerable
And she needs somebody
to protect her.
But Magmald went celibate.
We can work around that.
Handwritten resum.
Never seen one in calligraphy.
You realize this job requires you to
move to our headquarters in Seattle?
I'm not at liberty to tell you
too much about the project
Other than it's an A.R.G.,
Alternative Reality Game,
- A blend of online and offline gaming.
- Epic.
The game director position
is not gonna be an easy one.
You are gonna have to
manage a team of over 15 people
And... I'm not seeing
anything on your resum.
Look, I'm, uh, I'm the
leader of a... of a guild.
My main character
actually has a full set
- Of fifth tier heroic level-
- Yeah.
- I've also spent more than 3900 hours...
- Look...
I've seen over 50 people
for this position,
And they're all saying the same
thing over and over again.
- Tier five...
- If you want this job,
You need to stand out and prove to
me that you're the complete package.
Gamer? Yeah.
I can lead people, sir.
Look, I'm not gonna make a
decision for another week.
Can you put together something
in the next day or two
That will prove to me
that you can lead people?
I look forward to seeing
what you bring back.
Me too.
Why can't I do that?
It doesn't make any sense.
Why can't I go through
the high plains pass?
Voss, it's your brother! You were
supposed to be here 17 minutes ago!
Where are you?! If you are
not here in five minutes,
I swear to you
I am doubling your rent,
And if I see you,
I will choke you out!
- It wasn't snowing.
- What the hell are you talkin' about?!
You said it was fall, not winter!
Well, let's see. The turtlebuds
haven't bloomed yet,
All the rabbits have gone south,
ss well as the plains wolves,
Which is the only food source
for the Beast Lord.
So that would make it, I think...
Uh, yeah... Winter.
It's bullcrap.
Bullcrap! Right?
- Right? Am I right?
- Hi.
Right? Right? Yeah!
Come on, fantasy pants,
what are you gonna change now?
I'm incredibly unsatisfied with the
particular inconsistencies of this game.
I'm just sayin'.
I have a vote I'd like to
bring before the guild.
I have a lot of friends that
would like to join this game,
But unfortunately,
it sucks three things:
Turkey balls, troll, and ass.
I would like to propose that
I become the new game master
And manage
the rest of this campaign.
I can promise you by next friday
We'll have at least
a dozen new people involved.
That includes healers.
Who agrees?
It's settled, then.
I'll run the guild this week.
This is my campaign.
No, it's not!
We took a vote!
It's the role-Playing.
My character's a barbarian,
Has some control issues.
I think I could give it a go
under one condition:
That you...
Destroy... the Beast Lord.
Bring it, weak sauce.
And if you lose, Magmald dies,
Never to be resurrected,
And you have to leave
the guild forever.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Don't do it.
Let's do it.
Fine. Do it.
I cast righteous indignation.
That's a 15-Foot barrier of
protection against projectiles.
I'll also be drinking
my potion of bull strength.
Don't forget fire.
Resistance to fire.
I come down from
the astral plane...
Which I was never in...
Ah ah... Ah...
And raise my sword to heronius,
Adding plus-Three
to my hit and damage.
Yes, yes, yes.
That's... pretty hot stuff.
Why don't you roll a saving throw
Against the Beast Lord's psyonic
death stare while you're at it?
Come on, man! When did the
Beast Lord get psyonics?!
When he was a baby Beast Lord?
Whatever. Let's do this.
A critical failure.
Unless you roll something greater
than eight, you will die.
Thank you.
Five, five, five, five, five.
the dice don't lie.
It's just a game.
What, your pegasus get ringworm?
Have to be put down?
Shut up.
I was born in the wrong universe.
Phhht. That...
Was horrible.
This is a play about
forbidden love.
It's in the words.
Feel it in your loins.
Yes, sir.
Let's try again, shall we?
Yes, sir.
Okay. Places.
Okay, yeah.
Four ages shall pass...
But I will be patient...
Hoping for the day
When I shall again see you
My darling little sushi roll.
Our love shall be
Like a disgraced samurai...
yes? What?
Impaled with his own sword.
Well... Everyone out.
Off the stage! Let's go.
Of all the invitations
I've given you,
For what reason do you grace
this pleasant stage?
After we find the brain juice,
What if Rashanna goes
to the hills of monyar
And finds a rod of resurrection
to bring Magmald back?
That would divert too much
attention from the narrative.
More important than
Voss's tattered ego
Is that you've come
to see my play.
It's an unlikely love story
About a woman...
Who loves a man.
Is there... Is there anything
that the guild can do for Voss?
The only ointment for someone feeling
sorry for themselves, my darling,
Is to help them realize
that they suck.
Morning, sunshine. What
happened with that interview?
It's really close
between me and one other guy.
I got you set up monday morning.
Taco shop. Be there.
It's Marsha.
Hey, Marsha.
Would you like to come over
for breakfast chicken?
I made you something.
It's a cape, and, uh,
it has flannel on the inside
So it can double as a blanket
and keep you warm.
Oh. Thank you,
Oh, wow.
He's... total...
He's here. This is so
unexpectedly awesome.
This is so great.
That's a pretty dress.
I think that we should start
our very own campaign.
Um, I was mulling some story
points around just this morning.
"a wicked hobgoblin king
"Enslaves a village
of egg-Laying gnomes,
Forcing them to hard labor
and into the swamps."
I mean, I could see our
combined sacrifice to save them
As being just shy of legendary.
And also, the...
Love interest idea, which I
mentioned the other day,
Between Magmald and Rashanna...
Could easily be folded
into this plot line,
Which I think is necessary.
I don't get what a surface-Dwelling
hobgoblin has to do with the svirfneblin.
I'm glad you said something.
I think Clancy's just
trying to say that
You can't up and willy-Nilly
a campaign together.
I know. I mean, right. I...
I guess I was just thinking
That the entire guild
would abandon Shadow Hawk if...
If they knew that you were
creating your own new guild.
I mean, they've always trusted
your leadership in the game,
so why wouldn't they
trust you in real life?
But that's stupid.
It's for monkey brains, and...
Do you need the Heimlich?
Yeah. Uh-Huh, yeah.
Yeah? Okay!
I figured out how I'm gonna
get the job at warlock.
I'm gonna create a land
of magic and wonder.
I'm gonna show 'em how I can
handle a group of six or...
Sixteen people in
an out-Of-The-Box kind of way.
And I need you to
document everything.
I need you to take notes
and... And film...
O-Okay. I'll get the guild
on the phone,
- I'll tell 'em exactly what we're doing.
- I love that. No, I hate that.
Because they can't know
I'm doing it for a job,
- They won't be themselves.
- Oh, right.
So I have to tell them... what, then?
I'm creating a utopia for gamers.
Oh, I love that.
Excellent. Call the guild.
- What up, doc?
- Hold for Voss.
Oh, hey, Marsh. What's up?
Patty melt! What's up, buddy?
Angie and I are just
biting into frozen yogurt.
Uh, yeah, I need you to meet me
at the corner of state and fourth
With your tent, your gear,
and Angie.
Why? What for, man?
Just do it! Doesn't matter why.
Why didn't you guys wait for me?
Waffle and wok, this is Rhubarb.
I got somethin' big, something epic going
on, ginormous. I'm gonna need you.
What's goin' down?
Hello? Dude, I can't play
on the phone.
I gotta clean...
I don't want to!
And I got customers.
Who is that?
Who's with you?
You're breakin' up.
No, uh, I distinctly heard
somebody in the background.
Come again?
It's Shadow Hawk, isn't it?
You got a crappy phone.
You're hanging with sh...
I'm losing you, man.
Well, he's not invited,
so ditch him.
No, really.
Who is that?
I totally forgot I volunteered
to help this old lady
Who lost some toes in a battle...
With diabetes?
It's sad.
I gotta go. Text me.
I'm gonna change
and get my stuff, okay?
Check it.
It sought me out.
It's my holy avenger.
Open the back.
Do it.
Dude, where's Clancy going?
And where's your outfit, man?
Don't worry about it, Pat man,
all right? Taking care of business.
My mom wants me back by seven.
Hey, where we're going,
you don't need a mom.
You gettin' this?
Wait. Wait.
That's it, nice, slow pan,
Okay, into the zoom,
just a single...
So get on this harp
And get on the sun
Get on this train and watch it roll
Downhill, downhill, downhill
You're losing your life,
you're losing control
You're losing your brain
with the rock and roll...
You have just entered a new realm.
You are now quite literally
your characters.
You will act like your characters,
You will be your characters,
And through them,
we shall create a utopia.
You are now in unk-Tar town,
A small fishing village on the
shores of the deserted sea.
Carrion birds circle above...
And then we look down.
We are standing among
what appears to be
Two dozen human remains.
Their intestines scattered,
holes in their skulls,
And black scarring on their faces.
Infamous skull ciphers.
Ohh! Whoa!
Arm yourselves!
Form up!
You primordial maggot pukes!
It was foolish of you to think
that you could claim my spoils.
Now I shall devour you!
I'm hit! Kill me! Kill me!
Bring everything with you.
Come on, get in there!
Kill! Kill!
- Come on, everybody! Focus!
- Whoo!
Insolent wimps, all of you!
Go for the lips!
Nerf gun!
Don't! Ohh! Crap!
Split up!
That's it!
Together now!
Dang it.
Go for the lips!
The assassin!
No! No!!!
I'll take 40 acid damage, Marsha.
Everybody fall back!
Launch the magic missile!
Magic missile...
Not yet!
Magic missile!
We are no longer
heroes of the imagination.
We are taking this adventure
to the next level.
Tell everyone you know.
And welcome...
to unicorn city.
This is it.
This is everybody we know?
Where's Gary and trevor?
Um, well, Gary had jury duty,
And trevor's mom said
that our camp is satanic.
Hold, please.
Name and former life?
Hi. My name is kathy.
I work in whole foods.
My character's name is Tearsumina,
And my powers are somewhere
in the field of... seduction.
You're a succubus, huh?
Should we be inviting
evil into the camp?
Once you go centaur...
Yeah, we know.
What took you so long?
Nice map, ace.
Listen, I had trouble with the chassis.
I had to go to the store.
Someone followed me.
Shadow Hawk.
A-N-T, baby,
"Ain't no thing."
Circled back, lost him in,
like, women's apparel
Or canned foods.
You gotta trust the ruby, baby.
We're all good. So what's
the haps out here?
We gonna party or what?
Congregate, get together,
Gather up.
Everyone's together,
But I've already received
eight complaints about...
Quargooz's codpiece, and...
Okay, I could see it.
I'm gonna go ahead and take
care of that in private.
Thank you.
Okay. Um...
Before we send out the npcs...
I have some business
to take care of.
I'm listening.
I think we all learned some
things from the treasure hunt....
And now it's time to
take things to the next level.
Unicorn city is an intricate web of
equal opportunity disciplines and rules
Based on an extremely fair
role-Playing system.
You can find these rules on page
four of your citizenship manual.
You will also see that there is an area for
you to draw a picture of your character...
Which Marsha will evaluate at a later
time for possible experience points.
You can also show your support
for unicorn city
Through a tax-Deductible pledge.
And Voss, I would like to donate,
to unicorn city, a dollar.
Oh, my gosh, Marsha, now we
know how much it means to you.
Make sure that gets
all the way around.
Our first order of action is to see
how well you handle my leadership
Under a threat level of one.
This shouldn't be too difficult,
people, so let's stay focused.
Friend of the forest!
What's wrong?
It was terrible, terrible.
It moved so fast we never saw it.
Oh, my wife and children.
Oh, the carnage.
We shall avenge your pain.
Everyone find your buddy.
Move out calmly.
Stay in a nice orderly fashion.
Since I've submitted
to all of this,
Will you be my buddy?
Yeah, sure.
Who took the dollar?!
Hey, Voss,
will you deduct XP if I stay?
You will not lose
any experience points.
In face, I will award you 200
points regarding the encampment
And any trash you might pick up.
Let's do this!
Mmm! Mmm!
This is so exciting!
I guess I tripped.
Marsha, are you crazy?
She needs some room.
Come on.
As bardladin I sing,
Life, back to your life
Spirit back to its shell
Be you well
Somebody cast a spell to offset
the temporary effects of death.
This was a failure.
Clodnar, contact the mpcs.
We're returning to camp.
"in rural areas, automobiles...
- Kill more deer than hunters."
- False!
Because that sentence is an
example of a dangling modifier.
- Ten out of ten on grammar.
- Yes!
With my default student loan status
cleared up, I'm in this time!
The highway patrol will be
compelled to have me!
Bogie! 12 o'clock!
Eleven o'clock, ten o'clock,
nine o'clock, eight o'clock!
You see that?
Saw it.
What are you doing out here?
Nothing. I'm not doing anything.
Just... Just walking.
Are you alone?
Just me.
Um, I'm positive,
I'm pretty sure, that
Moon-Strider is missing.
I need a tracker!
is missing.
I'm on it.
Great. I have lost
a 25-Year-Old german.
Please don't make note of that.
These are Moon-Strider's
prints all right,
But there's two other
sets over there.
Which means he pansied out and his
mom and dad came and got him.
What a wuss.
And what, left his allegiance
cards back at camp?
I don't think so.
Okay, so then he was abducted?
It was the same cops that
took your sword at hastur's.
- And then what?
- I have to pay $150 for loitering.
My mother's gonna kill me.
Do they know
the rest of us are here?
No, because... I lied.
It was a noble lie.
One hundred experience points
for Moon-Strider's lie.
You got it.
- Okay, I think we should move the camp.
- No, all we need is surveillance.
Okay, that's what we're gonna do.
Who has night vision?
How powerful is it?
Okay. Yeah, that's great.
Okay, listen to me.
One blow for "danger,"
two blows for "all clear."
We are screwed.
Did you just see how he ran?
That was... I've never seen
anything like that, really.
I guess... I just...
I don't know exactly what it is,
I mean, I know this city
means everything to him,
And he's got that job,
and he's gonna...
I get that...
What job?
Um... the job where...
The job... The job where he's the
leader of this... This camp.
Oh. Yeah.
I'm just saying, I feel like I should
quit because he doesn't need me.
Ohh. Marsha, why are you
always, "unhh," every time?
- I don't "unhh" every time.
- Yes, you do.
You just need to get out
of your comfort zone
And you need to do something risky.
Do you even really
want to be with him?
- Then do you trust me?
- Yeah.
Okay. Are you willing to do
exactly what I tell you to do?
It has been brought
to my attention
That while Rhubarb was out in the
trees taking care of business,
Someone took his better half for a
little joyride and flattened a tire.
Shame on you.
Shame. On. You.
On page three of your
manuals, it clearly states
unless you are a thief
Or have at least
seven thieving skill points,
You are not allowed to steal.
If you are caught doing so,
you will be sent home.
We are not the undead, people,
so let's not act like it.
- That was so stupid!
- No, no, it was amazing! You did so great.
- I'm definitely leaving now.
- Did you even see yourself?
Okay, so Voss is coming. Just be
mean. Tell him that you hate him.
What? What? Oh, my gosh.
Hey, that was, um...
It was really... different.
Did, uh, did Angie
put you up to that?
Oh. Hey, Voss.
Um, so, quargooz
called his cousins,
And we're gonna have, like, a
huge influx of gamers tomorrow.
I thought maybe you knew
somebody who knew somebody
That knew someone that worked at
one of the news stations maybe?
Yeah. Mm-Hmm. Maybe.
I mean, I don't know.
Okay, cool.
I broke up with Tanick Stormblade.
Um... sorry.
I'm not.
Okay. Um, look,
It's freezing.
Why don't you come back
to the fire?
I'm sorry.
No, I... Yeah, I'm sorry.
That was stupid.
That was my bad.
I don't even know...
- You okay?
- Sorry!
I'm an idiot.
- How do I look?
- Great.
Um, Pat was asking about
a meal plan. I don't know...
I need you to stand right about here.
Get a picture of me shaking their hands.
You got it.
So I hear you two were
kissing last night.
Oh... sorry.
It's okay. Welcome to unicorn city.
Ah, yes. Unicrap city.
Hmm. Looks just like the brochure.
What are you doing here? Hmm?
Shadow Hawk looks like a pimp.
Did you tell him what
I was doing out here?
No. No, of course not.
Ah... the land.
Where's Rhubarb?
Is anybody hungry? We have
flapjacks on the grill!
Whoa, whoa, whoa. Where do you
think you're going, clodnar?
No, no, no, no. You're gonna finish
digging your section of the moat.
Oh, it's yummy!
Nobody moves.
We have swine on the spit.
Turkey swine,
but swine nonetheless.
You lost him in canned foods?
You led him straight to our camp!
I'm going potty!
Hit the sod! Cops!
And why in heronius's name did you
tell everyone about us kissing?
I didn't. I swear I... I didn't.
Well, how does Clancy know?
- Well, uh, Angie.
- Angie! That's great.
How am I supposed to manage people
If they all think I'm trying
to scam on the citizens?
Which I'm not, 'cause that wouldn't
be a safe working environment.
Well, it doesn't matter if you
like me, does it? I mean...
Can we just stay focused on the goal?
Which is to get me a job, remember?
Right. Right.
So... just stay focused.
Well, you don't have to
be so mean about it.
I'm sorry.
Like another pancake up there?
Come one, come all!
There's nothing like a spot
of food in the morning, eh?
Grace us with your presence while
we grace you with our food.
How many more of those do you have?
Enough. What's in it for me?
This is utopia, brother. We're
supposed to share everything.
- And?
- I got a buck.
That ain't gonna cut it.
Nothing in this world's
free, man. Nothin'.
All rightie.
- How many do you want?
- Nine.
We'll start with two. See me later.
Get down! Everybody down!
Hi! I'm looking for... Voss.
Is he here?
Uh, I'm Voss.
Kay crossland.
Channel four news.
I want to do a special on the
nine o'clock spot this evening.
Do you have time for
a brief interview?
The axis one day,
The psychic universe,
Where it's as if it works
on a cosmic level,
Every planet pulling the energy
from this very unicorn...
That's just great.
So, how would you state that
for the layman?
I wouldn't. If you don't understand
that, you're probably not a gamer
- And shouldn't be coming to the 'corn.
- Okay!
I think we're ready
for the money shot.
Uh, I could have the guild
make a little pyramid...
- Be about there.
- Something bigger.
Like you standing triumphantly
on a mountaintop.
- I'm this close to getting that job.
- I wish I could go with you.
Listen, I need you to be thinking of
a way to get Shadow Hawk out of here
Before I get back.
All right, yeah, yeah.
Voss. Um...
I, uh...
That's your good side.
All right.
Well, I'll see ya.
She said I should come along,
Maybe use me for some shots.
Oh, boy, we are really
burning daylight.
Okay, that's our mountain
up there,
And let's just blaze a trail
Right up to that tree.
Okay, let's go!
Hut, hut, hike!
Hup, hup, hup! Let's go!
All right! Hurry!
Bob, prep the camera.
I gotta get my notes.
How did we not see that coming?
We're such idiots, man.
Like, there were
no channel numbers on the van.
And then we got in, they're like,
"hey, you want some candy?"
And then we're like, "sure! Take us to an
undisclosed location and dump our bodies."
And then, like, you,
you're all serious...
Shut up! All right?
Shut up! I get it!
- You shut up.
- You know what?
When we get back I want you to get
your crap and get out of the city,
You're banished to the apartment.
Okay, good. Because
this is stupid city!
- Yeah, so go.
- It's hot, and it's... It's...
- It's gross...
- Yeah. Run!
- Run, little kitty, be free!
- I will!
- Okay, great!
- And I'll be free with my sword!
- Don't touch it!
- It's my sword!
- Do not touch the sword!
- Because you stole it!
- Stop it!
- You...
Oh, do it. Oh, I... I would
love for you to do that again.
Don't... Don't...
Shut up!
Get up.
Why don't you be a man?
That's it!
You got it now...
Why don't you be a man?!
I heard my throat crunch.
Clancy, come back, man.
I'm sorry!
Where's Clancy?
You're the only one who stayed.
We're the last ones.
Not exactly.
Um, gunight
actually is still here.
What's up, dude... Ohh!
When we were running low
on t.P., he improvised,
And we think it's poison oak.
What should we do?
I don't know.
Let it air out.
I'm gonna go kill Shadow Hawk.
I talked to him about that,
And he said
he wasn't involved. So I...
I imagine anyone else who would
leave me in the desert to die
For his own amusement.
You don't want to kill anyone.
You don't want to
make a fool out of yourself.
Ohh! Ow!
- Oh, my gosh! Are you okay?
- Stupid mole!
Oh, darny-Darn it!
Are you okay?
Seriously, what's wrong?
No, let me see it.
Are you okay?
Are you okay?
It looked like it really hurt.
I mean, you really twisted it.
Can I do anything?
I learned at girls' camp you
shouldn't take your shoe off.
And maybe we should elevate it?
I'd be more than happy to help
bind it, or... or hold it up.
Where are you?
Are you okay?
It's probably really throbbing.
Milady Rashanna.
A challenge has been made fFor
the leadership of unicron city.
- It's unicorn.
- Whoever wins the challenge,
Shall be the leader.
Whoever loses...
Shall be the loser... and
may never come back again.
- Agreed?
- Aye!
I'm gonna club you
like a baby seal.
Since you extended
the challenge, Voss,
I choose the weapon.
I choose wit.
A battle of wits.
- Wits is not a weapon.
- The tongue is mightier than the sword.
Bullcrap! We're gonna do this like men
and beat the hell out of each other!
Under the code of the bardlidans,
to which you are bound,
I may choose the weapon...
And it doesn't state
what manner of weapon.
Am I right, Marsha?
I shall throw down
the gauntlet and go first.
A troll and an elf are walking
down a pebbled path together.
Oh, no.
Story problems.
The troll is carrying
20 pounds of pastries;
The elf has a bundle of
sticks weighing 50 pounds.
Which one will get to the end first?
You have ten seconds.
Tick, tock...
Tick tock, tick...
The troll! Because the
troll would eat the elf!
Wrong. Both... Because
the elf is in the troll.
No, it's the troll!
Let's just assume
That story problems are
beyond your cranial capacity,
And we'll move into the ancient
art of maternal insults,
Shall we?
Your mother...
Smokes troll malarkey
in a corncob pipe.
Your mom...
Dated a dragon.
I win!
Now it's time for you to go home
Walk home, walk home you
would all give up your honor
For pancakes and couple of orcs!
No, Voss!
Hold him back!
As rightful leader of unicron city,
I will enact righteous judgment
that Voss be banished!
Do any oppose?
Are you all right?
Walk away, Voss.
Walk away in shame!
Magmald and Rashanna's
love can endure this.
Magmald and Rashanna?
This is over.
This was a game to get a job,
And it failed.
I know this is a game,
Voss, I'm not...
I'm talking about us.
We're not a game.
I don't know what you're trying to start
between us through our characters,
But it's not gonna work, okay?
We're not gonna live
happily ever after.
I'm not your knight, I'm
not gonna save you.
What about our kiss?
Our... Our kiss was part of
all this magic and wonder.
So... so you were
just playing a part?
It didn't mean anything?
Do me a favor.
The next time that you
see your character,
Tell him that I think he's an ass!
I just think I need to leave.
Marsha, you are in no condition
to walk miles back to town.
You suffered blunt-Force trauma!
I need to leave. I just...
No. Marsha, you stood directly
in front of that pipe
Which was aimed at me.
How many fingers am I holding up?
You see? I was
holding up one.
Now, please allow me
to return the favor.
Hmm? I have a cold pack
inside which we can apply,
And it'll help to bring
down the swelling.
Come! Okay.
It's very cold.
Really cold?
Ice cold.
Ohh. Okay.
That's it, bro.
I gave you many chances.
You're out of here!
No! No!
You don't show up at the taco shop,
So pack up your stuff,
bro... and go.
Where you goin'?
I'm joining the marines
to get a sword.
- Right.
- Or the national guard or whatever.
Because unlike someone here,
I know what's important.
So you go ahead and leave.
Go get your sword.
You don't get it.
She is in love with you.
- Come on, Clancy. We're friends.
- Oh, just friends.
That makes more sense, because I
thought you were treating her that way
Because you're a big dumb-ass.
But now that I know you're
just friends, that...
- Get out.
- Ya know, one of these days
Someone's gonna come along
and sweep her off her feet...
And then you'll
realize what you had.
I'd wish you good luck, but...
You're probably gonna screw it up.
What, what, what, what?!
Oh, man. Okay,
count of three, right?
One. Sorry, bro.
On there.
Wait, wait, wait, wait.
Release toxins.
Release the toxins.
The doc is in the house.
There. Good as new.
You all right?
Ohh! Thanks for that.
Hey, uh...
Clancy was right.
About Marsha?
What are these supposed
to do exactly?
Well, I freeze magnets just
for occasions like this.
The cold helps to bring
down the swelling,
And the magnets
increase circulation.
Oh, you don't have to do that.
With the correct amount of pressure,
- Okay.
- We can release all of the negative energy
And quicken the rate at which
the swelling will go down.
So if I press here...
I'm actually sending and receiving
messages from your kidneys.
Hello, Mr. Kidney.
26-Charlie, copy detail.
Suspicious persons trespassing on county
build site, possible 604. Use caution.
S0 when are you retiring, again?
That's very pretty.
Where did you come up
with that character name?
Um, the egyptian sun god
and a friend from the 8th grade.
How about you? How'd you
come up with "Shadow Hawk"?
That's a temporary character name.
What do you mean?
Well, I...
I didn't want to tell you
my real character name.
Why not?
I was shy.
I'm confused.
My real character name is...
"Tanick Stormblade."
I was so excited to tell you,
but then you broke up with me!
I wanted you to judge me on my
true character, not on my age.
You said you were 26!
I wasn't being honest,
But... But I am being honest
when I tell you that...
I'm into you.
Oh, that's gross.
- What the...?
- It's like a geek breeding ground.
Do you know how hard
It was to be in the guild with you
Without the ability to
reach out and touch you,
To never speak the words
that just ached to be said?
But here we are together...
Like the forces were pulling
us together... like magnets!
Well, then how can I show you
the depth of my love?
By letting me out.
Rather, how about
if I recite a sonata?
Let me out!
No! I'm just
trying to leave!
I... I...
I didn't... No, no, no...
I just want to...
Please! I'm just going...
You dirty old man.
I oughta shank you right now
and save the taxpayers...
There's a reason
there's no trespassing!
This is a super fund site!
The entire ground is poisoned!
You're probably gonna have
two-Headed babies!
Be careful, everyone!
The ground is poisoned!
The ground is poisoned!
It's poisoned.
It's poisoned.
The ground is poisoned.
Whoop! Well, what are
you gonna do now?
Slap some plastic cuffs on me
and sing me "happy birthday"?
Come again?
How much did Voss pay to hire
this pathetic performance?
I want everyone
to take five steps back
And get face down
on the ground now!!!
Well, that was almost believable.
Get down on your knees
And put your hands
behind your back.
Do it!
Run! Run!
What did you do to Marsha?
Of course you'd come back!
Hands off of him!
Mooner, get up!
Hands in the air now!
Hands where I can see 'em!
Okay! I'm just gonna...
Put your hands up!
Get your hands up!
I need my pills!
I'm sorry...
Hands in the air!
Girl, I am now
gonna count! One...
That. Hurt. So. Bad.
I knew you'd come back for me.
- get 'em over here!
- Don't split up!
Don't make any sudden movements!
You're gonna spook 'em!
Hamwater, what are you doing?!
Listen, Magmald's in my pocket.
See if you can reach back
and cut us free.
On three, okay?
One, two, three.
Got him?
Aahh! You got it!
Uhh. I'm... I'm good.
Hold this.
Take her to safety!
Stop for no one! Go!
What is the matter with you?!
Stop moving!
Don't move!
Stay right where you are!
Friends of the guild!
Look to the bard!
From his song we gather
strength, and charge!
We gather strength,
and chaaaaarge!!!
Get in formation!
Off... Officers in
need of assistance!
Start the car!!!
Did we not repulse the
charging horde's onslaught?
I do not deserve to be your leader.
I deceived you.
I used you to get a job.
And for that, I'm sorry.
We can start over again.
It will be a new beginning.
If you will take me
again as your leader,
I will make the city
thrive once again!
So that all may live in peace
against tyranny and aggression
from those...
Drop your weapons and
get on the ground now!
- Get down now!
- Stay down on the ground...
Get down, peter pan!
All rightie, then.
You can get down now!
I'd like all of you to
approach the bench.
What in the world were
you doing out there?
Nothing... sir.
Creating a utopia for gamers.
Is that right?
I bet you could have a lot
of fun in a place like that.
I'll bet you could get
a lot of families to show up,
Maybe some at-Risk youth
to help set things up.
I'm giving you all 800 hours
of community service...
To build your unicorn city
at the municipal park.
And it better be good.
I'll drop it to 700 hours
if I can be king.
Yes, your majesty.
Cradle it.
Cradle it like a baby.
What are you doing?
That's a tortilla-Wrapped
gut-Ache. Seriously,
How much cabbage you think one
person can consume in one sitting?
I don't care. Okay? I don't have
to do this. I'm too good for this.
I'm so glad that you are happy
in taco town, but I'm out.
Is that what you think of me?
That you're better than me?
Well, you're not, bro!
Tacos are awesome!
This restaurant is my life!
Drop your weapons
and get on the ground now!
You got arrested
trying to get a job with us?
You got the job, man.
Are you serious?
I've never seen anyone go
to these lengths for a job.
So how soon before
you can move up to Seattle?
I have some community service
to finish, but...
Sure. Take as much time
as you need.
Do you mind if I show this
to some of the guys?
I thought you were gonna organize
a canned food drive or something,
But this?
This is amazing.
Oh. Oh...
You got the job.
I'm really sorry. I...
It's okay. Uh...
I can live with it.
See ya up there.
As king of this fair land,
I wish to welcome you all
to the official opening of...
Unicorn city!
Blow down your door
Where you say get yourself
a straight job
And no, never bored, no never
You lost your head
See, we're all
On our way out
Been through it all
Reelin' in everyone
Wild jazz they scrape
Scrape by...
That's fiber, by the way.
Mmm. Mmm.
Lords and ladies,
Di tom inpaderi vero.
I know this.
I studied all night for,
like, a half hour, okay?
You make up a language
and you force me to use it.
It's very difficult, okay?
Al castiba...
El wunya ronley hoo-Hoo.
Will you temper
your words and actions
With love...
So, I have some ideas for
the campaign you suggested.
Oh. Oh, yeah.
What if... Magmald came down
from the astral plane
After months of
aimlessly wandering,
Rashanna finds him weakened
And carries him back
to her woodland home...
Where she... saves him
By nursing him back to health
With feral berries and moss...
And they live happily ever after,
And have a whole litter
of baby bardladins.
Ronley hoo-Hoo.
Kiss her now?
All right, thank you,
everyone, for coming, so much.
We have sno-Cones,
so everyone enjoy!
Arm yourselves!
I've got 20,000 more experience
points since we've last feuded!
En garde!
Let's go dancing
And fall in love
For the first time
And five years later...
Welcome to unicorn city
Yeah, what
This is your world
I was cruisin' down
the astral plane
Heard a freaky wizard
calling my name
He was gettin' a spell
sent me straight to hell
But I don't care 'cause
it's dawn of days
I get my hands all
covered in brain juice
Bring it down to the party
where we break loose
And take a succubus
To beat this potion
'cause it's 80 proof
Let's roll to the party like
we roll them polyhedral dice
Let's roll a d-11 not once,
not 20 times but thrice
Let's roll with the punches from
my mortal enemies and foes
Let's roll creatures, let's roll
I crossed paths with a
wicked, wicked hawk
With his ears poppin'
out like spock
Couldn't fool me with
his beady little eyes
So I pop off his head like a cork
A silver heaven that blew my mind
The hawk's head came back to life
So that mary and her lover
head down to the party
With the head rollin' right behind
Let's roll to the party like
we roll them polyhedral dice
Let's roll a d-11, not once,
not 20 times but thrice
Let's roll with the punches from
our mortal enemies and foes
Let's roll, creatures, let's roll
Meet the beastly,
he's the Beast Lord
He's shootin' laser
beams like oh, my word!
So I retaliate with my
psyonic death stare
But I ricocheted through the floor
So I entice that dude
with some turtlebuds
And the shining glitter
tassels on my luscious duds
He falls into my trance
and we begin to dance
Now we rockin' this mortal's club
Let's roll to the party like
we roll them polyhedral dice
Let's roll a d-100, not once,
not 20 times but thrice
Let's roll with the punches from
our mortal enemies and foes
Let's roll, creatures, let's roll
We gotta roll down to the area
where all the cool kids go
We gotta get there,
get there real fast
'Cause we're rollin',
we're rollin' the dice
Polyhedral dice, baby, yeah