Unlucky Stars (2015) Movie Script
1
Good morning, bay area!
It's a beautiful Monday.
Hope you'll get out there
and try to forget
about this past weekend,
especially you sports fans.
I've never seen so much bad luck
in three days of my life.
If anybody put money down
on our bay-area favorites,
you might want to think
about robbing a bank
and getting out of the country.
Or maybe you should just
go back to Vegas and stay there.
I don't what to stay
besides "music cures all."
Here's hoping this new track
from "the illness" will do
just that.
- Yeah?
- Thomas!
Hey, it's Sam calling
for my dad, Carl.
You have had
some of the worst luck anyone
has ever had.
I can have your money
for you in a week.
A week? The last time
my dad waited a week,
I had to find the guy.
Had to track him down
and cut off his finger.
Had to bring it back to my dad.
Ended up being the wrong finger.
The point is I got trouble.
See, it's about image.
I can't go around cutting off
everybody's fingers.
There's only digits
on a guy's hands,
then I got to move to toes...
I'll get it, all right?
Look,
I'm on a new film right now.
I could just ask...
a new blockbuster
like your last couple?
What was that last one
you did with, uh...
With a plot?
Just give me some time.
I'll have it.
Well, I'm sure.
I'll see you soon.
Hey, pop?
This guy's not gonna
come up with 15 grand,
even if he had a week.
You wanna make a bet this
becomes an amazing action movie?
Tomas will be
out any second now.
Don't start the car
until we see him.
Hi, you've reached Sara.
I'm not available.
Give me a call,
but leave me a message.
Don't worry about the sign.
It's a low-budget gig.
I'm sure you're gonna get
some great action for your reel.
Okay.
Hey, guys. Sorry for the wait.
There was a huge order
put in before yours...
A little bit confusion.
Are you gonna put it down
or are you gonna
keep babbling like an idiot?
You mean to tell me
whose is which?
That's mine.
So put his there and give
me my plate!
Oh, here.
- What are you doing?
- You're fired!
I didn't...
hey, Sara.
- Hey, baby.
- I need to crash with you
for a couple of nights.
Is that all right?
Yeah, sure. Is everything okay?
It's too hard
to explain right now.
All right. I'll see you soon.
All right, thanks, bye.
So, you've known Nick
longer than I have?
Uh, yeah.
I've known Nick
since we were kids.
But you been working with him
for two years now, right?
Uh-huh. So, um,
Nick probably gave you
a good idea of what we do here.
Yeah, he said you guys
get paid pretty well
for just taking a few pictures
and, uh...
Every now and then, things get
a little physical, but...
It's not like you guys
are running around in the middle
of a gun fight or something,
right?
Right?
Is that what he said?
W-well, yeah.
Is that...
don't worry about that.
Listen, sometimes things
get a little physical,
but I'm assuming
since Nick sent you here
today to fill in for him
that you understand that.
Well... yeah.
But...
- Yo.
- Hey, is punk ass there?
Yeah, your guy's here.
You wanna stop by?
Listen, I just got a ticket
for parking...
yeah, okay.
Who was that?
You blind?
- This the guy?
- Yep.
That's him.
Was that... did you just call?
Don't matter. Stand up.
- Wait, is this... is this...
- Don't worry about it.
Get up.
What are you, like, 20?
- No...
- Doesn't matter.
Wait, wait!
How far is this supposed to go?
Hey...
Nice.
- What, are you guys nuts?
- Hey, hey.
I didn't know he was gonna
do all of that.
And who is he?
That's Stan.
He's an old buddy of Nick and I.
He's been a bounty hunter
for a couple of years now,
so, you know,
we help each other out on cases.
You work with this guy?
Sometimes.
You got the job, by the way.
- Uh...
- Grab that folder right there.
We're gonna make a run, drop off
some pictures to a client.
Then you and I get to start
on this new case together.
Wha... I...
What about... what about Stan?
But Josh handled himself like a
pro just like you said he would.
- Hey!
- All right, he's coming.
I'll call you back.
Oh, you seem very okay
with everything
that just happened in there.
Man, I'm not cool with that.
Listen, I'm not putting my life
in the hands of someone
who needs some warning
before something goes down.
I wanted to see what you got.
Stan was down to help.
Now, you handled yourself
like Nick said you could,
but I had to be sure.
If you want to fill in for Nick,
I got your back as long
as you agree to get mine.
It's the only way
this is gonna work.
I told Nick
I'd help fill in for him 'cause
him and his girl
are having a baby
and he'd do the same thing
for me.
Otherwise, what?
You'd go get another job? Yeah.
Oh, really?
'Cause Nick told me about
the last couple jobs you had.
I could make money
doing something else.
Not as much as you
would with me, but, you know,
it's up to you.
I'm down as long
as that is my last test.
I told you you got the job.
Why would I need to test you
again?
So?
All right. All right.
Come on.
So, I'm curious.
You ever use a gun?
Yeah, at a range.
- Okay, good.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Is getting shot
at a part of this job?
Thinking positive is good,
but being prepared
is even better.
Do you have a gun?
Did Nick have a gun?
No, Nick never carried a gun.
That's probably why he got shot.
I'm joking.
I think Nick would have told you
if he got shot.
Well, I don't know!
He didn't tell me about Stan!
That's not funny, man.
I just want you to know
I'm carrying.
And I've never had to use mine,
but I feel better
having it on me.
So, you know, whatever you want.
Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
So, shouldn't I get
a bullet-proof vest?
Yeah,
that's probably a good idea.
Well, then
shouldn't you get one, too?
No, why? I already have one.
So, who's this client
we're gonna go see?
Check out that folder.
So, what, we just...
We go over there, drop off
the pictures, that's it?
Yeah, then we start looking
for the action stars.
They're in there. You'll see.
I don't recognize this guy
at all.
Tomas de la Cruz is actually
a popular action star
from a small town in Peru.
He made some cheesy action films
and now he's got
himself a little cult following.
What do you mean "cheesy"
action films?
Cut!
- What the hell?
- What's wrong?
Somebody got the boom
in the shot.
Somebody got in my shot.
Who?
Jesus Christ.
Well,
I'm not doing all that again,
so you guys better just cut
that up and take it from, uh,
this guy's fall.
Uh, he's, uh, not conscious.
What?
This is not the fake piece
of wood.
Why would there be any real
pieces of wood anywhere near me
during this part of the fight?
And what is the purpose,
if I may ask,
of all this powder?
I told you
there's too much powder.
- Told me?
- Yeah. Yeah, you.
Why is that my responsibility?
- Have him do it.
- Hey, hold up.
Hold up. What? I could do it.
Wow. All right, you know what?
He can do it, okay?
I'm gonna go take a break.
You guys figure it out.
Let me know when you need me.
And get this guy some medical
attention or something.
Jesus.
Tomas.
Manny, just tell Carl
that I'm getting paid
enough for this masterpiece
I'm working on now.
Yeah, okay.
Who's this?
What?
That's just...
That's just his fan that came up
to me and wanted an autograph.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure he is. Come on.
You know I'm here to bring back
something of value.
All right.
I got some cash in the car,
all right? Just hang on.
Yeah, let me come with you.
Make sure your fans
don't get too hostile.
Tomas's Beatdown
put Carl's right-hand-man
- in the hospital.
- Damn.
Carl's not a guy
you want to be making bets with.
I mean, he's closer to a mob
boss than he is to a bookie.
So, why is Tomas up here
if he's an action star
down in Peru?
He thought he could break
into the industry up here.
Since he couldn't catch
a good break,
he started betting on a few
things to make some money back,
but the losses started
racking up pretty quickly.
So, what, we... we find him,
tell Carl where he is?
That's usually
how it's supposed to go,
but if it was that easy,
I wouldn't need a partner
to back me up.
People don't like being followed
around, you know?
Yeah, well...
Maybe they
can choose their friends
a little better then, you know?
All right, who is this
and where is he allowed
to be in action movies, man?
Sameer Yousef...
Another popular action star
- from Sahab.
- Where's that?
A small city in Jordan.
Doesn't matter.
Sameer's actually been following
in Tomas's footsteps for years.
He claims he taught him
everything he knows.
So, Sameer owes Carl money, too?
I don't know.
But Sameer's been
seen with Tomas.
He's the only connection
we have right now.
So far, we don't know if Tomas
has any other friends up here,
and we still don't even know
where the guy lives.
So then how are we even
supposed to find these guys?
Well, Tomas is gonna be tough,
but Sameer is actually a lead
in an indie action film
that is now on hold 'cause
he walked off.
So we're just gonna have to keep
an eye out for that production
to get up and running again.
Okay, cut!
Did he just say "cut"?
I'm feeling a little hungry,
so why don't you go ahead
and bring my stunt double
for now while I take a rest?
Okay.
Yeah, right.
Okay. Uh, well, all right.
Let's get the stunt double out.
Okay, this guy's terrible, man.
What do you say
we shoot the last few moves
with the stunt double?
Sure. It's good to make sure.
Yeah? Okay, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna take it back
a few shots, all right guys?
Hey.
You know,
I could do these moves,
but I wouldn't want
to stop the pace right now.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Hey, do your thing, man.
Do they look alike?
He came highly recommended.
Yeah, that's fine.
But we still
have to shoot the shot.
Now, how do we do
that when they don't look alike?
If you shoot it
at the right angle.
Guys, sorry about the confusion
on that last take.
Let's just work on the set
of moves that we did earlier,
and you guys will be great.
All right, guys.
Let's lock it down.
Give me a slate.
Scene 19, take 85.
Roll camera.
And action!
Wow.
Cut. Wow.
That was incredible, man. Huh.
Man, if this guy
lost 100 pounds,
you could have him as the lead.
Uh, all right, guys.
That's dinner.
Food's out in the truck.
Let's go.
Hey, man.
I think me and you, we trained
at the same martial arts school.
All right. I'm gonna go take...
I detect a little disbelief.
You're probably thinking
because I took a break time
it's your time
to shine and make me look bad!
I'm just trying to do my job.
If you have a problem,
talk to the director.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I studied 10 styles
of martial arts
and I never needed
this spinning kicking stuff,
just the element of surprise.
Hey, what's that?
That was pretty good.
I'm glad you passed my test.
I only surround myself
with the best talent there is.
And you, my friend, are good
enough to be my stunt double.
- Find someone else, asshole.
- Okay.
Okay, that's fine.
But just to let you know
that you won't be nothing
in this industry.
Nothing!
Hey, what's going on, man?
Why am I seeing
Dave walk off like that?
If you can't hire
a professional stunt double...
hey, buddy.
That guy's obviously a pro.
He's been doing it for years!
Yeah?
Well, y-y-your pro just
attacked me.
I can't believe this guy
is an action anywhere.
I got to see his movies.
No, you don't.
All right, man.
Time to help
break someone's heart.
Grab that folder.
Are we just gonna give her
the photos and that's it?
Isn't that kind of cold?
We're not her psychiatrist.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
- Who's this?
- I-I'm Josh.
Um, I'm... I'm sorry for...
Just come on inside.
I'll get your money.
All right,
let me see the pictures.
Sorry, Michelle.
Hey, um...
Michelle, you know,
sometimes people, you know,
they've...
son of a bitch is gonna pay.
Was that normal
for her to carry a switchblade
- in her apron?
- I don't know.
I'm hungry, though. You hungry?
- Oh, morning.
- Afternoon.
Really?
Yeah.
I made you some breakfast.
You might have
to heat it up a little.
Thanks.
Hey, you think I
could borrow your car again?
I-I-I got to get down to...
Tomas, I have to get to class
and I have to work later.
Right, right.
What is it?
I was thinking, you know,
you and I, we should... need
to take a trip, you know?
Like, let's get out of here,
you know?
Let's do something
to break the routine.
Just me and you, you know?
Uh, that would be nice,
but you know I have finals
next week.
But maybe after that.
Mm-hmm.
And besides, you have
to finish your movie, right?
Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
- Okay. I got to go.
- Yeah, who is it?
- It's Tomas.
If you're in debt,
why don't you just use this
to pay whoever you owe money to?
'Cause I think I need
a little bit more on the down
before I could start
making payments.
Huh. Okay. Same time tomorrow...
You got a passport and I.D.
Okay.
Dick.
Mmm.
What?
Want me... want me
to get something else?
You're... you're...
You're not even worried
about what Michelle might do
- to her now-ex-boyfriend?
- Why?
Do you have some special place
in your heart for cheaters?
No, I... I'm just saying,
what if she actually goes
and nunchakus this guy up
or worse?
Yeah, well, she might do that.
She might have done
that to the last guy.
I guess we'll never know, right?
Unless she pays us
to follow her.
Okay, so...
You're saying
if you don't see anything, then.
Out of sight out of mind.
I suggest you get used to it,
all right?
Nick and I got paid
for delivering information
to people,
not for what they do with it.
Hang on. I got to take this.
Hello?
Welcome back to "celebrity
action rehab live!"
Did you move my stuff?
- What stuff?
- My makeup bag in the bathroom.
Did you move my stuff?
Why would I move... Oh, really?
What's this? Ladies, ladies.
Are we here to fight addictions
or are we here
to fight each other?
Hey, you down to make
a couple extra g's tonight?
Uh, yeah.
What... what's going on?
Uh, my buddy needs backup.
W-what does that mean, "backup"?
Uh, we're probably just gonna
make sure he doesn't,
uh... nothing goes crazy.
Whatever.
Hey, you ever see that show,
"celebrity action rehab"?
- No, what...
- It's stupid.
- But what are we gonna do?
- Prime time slot.
Let's go.
I'll tell you in the car.
W-wha...
you're real smart, bitch.
I... I just want to know
who we're backing up.
Hey!
Thanks man.
Why you always messing
with my car?
Who is this?
- So, what's up?
- Some guy stole a Van
full of missing artwork
on the way to the museum.
I've been telling him
for an hour now...
Three guys,
didn't really recognize them.
They're probably buyers.
Okay, so, who hired you?
The museum?
No, actually,
this is the delivery company.
They figure the missing Van
would be low priority
for the police.
So u-haul hires bounty hunters?
Was I talking to you?
I'm just saying
it's kind of funny,
a delivery company's hiring...
if you want
a cut of this money,
you better watch your mouth.
I'm not even saying anything
about you, man.
Yeah, I didn't figure
you'd want this again.
Again?
You're memory's a little
altered there, buddy.
Hey, hey. Come on.
Look, we're here
to get your back,
okay? Relax.
- Let's go.
- All right.
So, anyway, like I was saying...
All right, there's four guys.
They're unloading the artwork
right now.
These guys are low-level.
The leader looks like he's young
noir or something like that.
Three guys in there look
like they're going clubbing
- afterwards.
- Wait, wait.
How many guys
you trying to catch?
I don't know.
Why don't you get a calculator
and go figure it out?
- Hey, I'm just...
- So, what's the plan?
My client's paying me to get
the artwork back.
The Van they sold.
And whatever happens, happens.
Question... why wouldn't
any of these guys have guns
or something? They probably do.
But if they do, then so do we.
Yeah, well, I don't.
Oh, yeah.
What did you expect, you idiot?
Don't worry about it.
There's two of us.
We got your back.
If people start shooting,
just hang back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang back and see
if you get a cut of the money.
Don't worry.
Just do what you do.
Oh, what are they doing here?
- Who?
- Those three guys in black.
Those are Carl's guys. Oh, good.
So we don't have
to worry about them?
I don't know.
I'm not buddies
with them or anything.
I'm just saying
I know them and they know me.
So what now?
Well, I'm guessing they're here
to do some kind of deal,
and since we're trying to stop
that from happening...
all right, all right, all
right. Well, we'll see.
All right, hey,
I'm gonna go take those three.
Fine.
I got the guys on the left.
- W-what about the other guys?
- Okay.
On three?
Hey!
Everybody get on the ground!
Ken?
Hey, man.
I'm just helping my buddy
with these guys.
We're not here for you.
Hey, get on the ground.
Stan, just one second.
Carl sent us here
to pick up some stuff.
Think you know what that means.
Yeah, well, my buddy's here
to get that stuff back,
so I'm sure you understand.
I'm sure Carl will, too.
I don't think Carl likes you
as much as you think he does.
Hey, man, I'm still
working for him just like you.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
Hey! Why isn't dick face
on the ground? What did you say?
I said, "why are you
on the ground, dick face?"
Stan, relax.
Guns are for pussies.
And you, my friend, are a pussy.
I would own you. Oh, would you?
Just calm down, Stan!
Oh.
Whoops.
Nick's substitute, right?
Thanks.
You didn't seem yourself
while you were training today.
What's the problem?
This last film
I worked on didn't go too well.
First the director
made a comment about my weight.
David, shape and size cannot
hide talent.
It adds character,
and your father
was the living proof of that.
Yeah, but he didn't try to make
it the entertainment industry.
I bet he could have
if that's what he wanted to do.
Before he passed away,
he did everything
he wanted to do in life.
He never let anyone tell him
he couldn't do anything,
like you when you first
started training with me.
That's training here with you.
Out there,
it's a different world.
During break, the lead
tried to pick a fight with me.
Jealous of your talent, maybe?
He seemed pretty confident
to me.
People who pick fights
usually don't have someone
to fight with them,
and people
who talk down to people
usually need someone to listen.
So what am I supposed to do?
Defend someone that wants
to fight me and lend my ear
to someone that's insulted me?
Not challenging enough for you?
Hello?
- Hey, David. It's frank.
- Yeah.
Yeah,
about that Sameer thing, well,
here's the deal...
Nobody saw nothing,
so unfortunately, it's
Sameer's word against yours.
And what did he say?
Well, apparently he says
he was talking to you
about martial arts,
you somehow became offended
and attacked him.
What an asshole.
Yeah, basically he's told
everyone on set that, you know,
he refuses to work
around a maniac.
So what does that mean for me?
Well, since he's the lead,
they're just gonna go
with another stunt double.
But, hey,
d-don't worry about it.
You know,
I'll keep an eye out for you.
And besides,
think about it this way...
As long as people
keep eating all that fast food,
- you'll have work.
- Okay.
Hey, listen,
I had a breakfast burrito
and that thing's working its way
through me.
I got to get to a toilet fast.
Yeah. Bye.
Yeah, talk to you soon, buddy.
- What's up?
- Oh, hey.
How's it going? Who's this guy?
Uh, it's... bill
no, I'm Tony.
Might want to make sure
it's actually bill.
I don't want to keep you...
You're busy...
But is my dad here?
- Yeah, what's up?
- Rich, Vic,
and Ivan were supposed to
pick up some artwork for my dad,
but they screwed it up.
I can give them one more chance,
but then I have to kill
all three of them.
And then that's a bummer
because you got to take care
of the bodies... you know,
digging all the ditches
and however you do it.
It's not my... you know what?
I'll handle it.
Well, see you around...
William. Um...
Well, actually, I probably
won't ever see you again.
But see you.
Isn't this fun? Huh?
Aren't we all having fun? Right?
Silence!
Rico, my old friend.
- Hyena.
- I thought you were dead.
Didn't take.
Ha ha ha.
Get out of my way.
You're just in time.
We're having a little party
for this bitch.
Well, you know what they say...
"It's not a bitch party
without a bitch."
Indeed.
One moment.
Hyena, there's just one problem.
Yes?
This bitch is my sister.
My nuts!
Oh!
Drop the gun.
I'm British.
I thought you were German.
Well, people change.
Now turn around.
Ha!
What good is your code
of Peruvian Bushido now?
It's good for this.
Rico!
Easy. Nothing.
Oh, Rico, if you weren't
my brother...
I'm not. I'm your step-brother.
Tomas de la Cruz!
Man, I know I can make it
like you did.
And I'll never forget
what you told me that day.
Respect.
What the hell
are you doing, man?
Sorry, Mr. de la Cruz?
I'm a huge fan of yours.
I love your movies.
And "multiple impact"
is such an action classic!
- You... you've seen my films?
- Yes, sir.
All three.
And I started acting and
studying several martial arts
to be as great of an action star
as you.
R-really?
Now, see, that's funny,
'cause actually I don't even
take martial arts, man.
I just kind
of punch and kick people.
No way, man.
You must be a natural then,
because I studied 10 martial
arts to be as great as you, man.
- Dang, 10?
- And I read all 10 books twice.
Oh, I see.
So you read fighting books.
- Yes, sir.
- Well, hey, you know what?
Whatever keeps you
motivated, you know, is...
Is good, I guess.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, hey.
Can I take an autograph?
Uh... sure.
Can you make it out to, uh,
Sameer Yousef, please?
I can't believe
that I just met you now.
I was on my way to an audition
downtown and...
This must be a sign.
Unbelievable. There you go, man.
Thank you, sir.
Can I take one picture?
Just... just one picture?
Yeah, sure.
My friends won't believe this.
All right.
Yes!
- Hey, this is me.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, man. You know what?
I got to go.
It was really great to meet you
and, uh,
take it easy, all right?
Is everything okay?
- Aye!
- Hey, is something wrong?
Is... is it paparazzi?
I'll create a divergence!
What are you doing?
Isn't that your...
Get on the train!
Hey, Vic.
Let's get ready to move.
Looks like they're getting
on this bus.
I swear,
if we lose these guys, you guys
are all walking back to Carl's.
What? Why?
'Cause you guys
keep asking me stupid questions.
Let's go.
I get it.
You keep pretending that people
are chasing after you
so you keep your acting sharp.
- Wow.
- Yeah, no.
It... it helps. It does.
It helps.
Wow. That is fantastic.
Hey, can you
give me any other advice?
I would really appreciate it.
- Well, it's a tough business.
- Okay.
All right, there's always gonna
be some asshole trying to Jack
you of your opportunities,
all right?
- So don't trust anybody.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, I hope you
make your audition, man.
Thank you so much, sir.
Hey!
Hey, it's an honor!
Whatever.
Man, that was a waste of time.
He didn't even have a gun.
Don't worry about it.
Look, we've got snacks now.
Hey, man.
You got to try these chips.
Those look like not chips,
all right?
Why are we walking
through all these alleys?
I don't like to pay
for the parking.
Chinatown sucks.
Man, I don't need one of those.
What I really need right now
is... one of those?
Hey, shut up and give me
your wallets... both of you.
Man.
This is just...
what are you doing?
- I'm giving him my wallet.
- Just shut up.
And you, do the same thing...
Wallet, now.
No, I don't want to.
- What?
- Are you crazy?
Yeah, man. What are you, crazy?
No.
Look, if I give you my wallet,
can I put
these down on the ground?
Whatever.
- Wallet, now.
- You know what?
I don't want to do that 'cause
it smells like someone
took a piss here and I
don't want to mess up my chips.
- So you hold this.
- Hold this?
Hold this.
Look at that.
Yeah, uh,
it's a gun with no... no clip.
There's no bullets.
Always complaining.
Okay, come on, man.
So, this guy, Pete,
he makes fake I.D.S
yeah, there's only a few guys
that are really pro.
Right there... white door.
So, what? We just wait?
- Yep.
- All right.
- Hello?
- I told you weren't out of it.
What's up?
New martial arts film casting
for an overweight actor
who can throw a couple of kicks
and they don't care
what you look like.
Now who's the man?
- Live!
- What am I gonna do?
Take drugs through my phone?
Is there an app for that?
What right do you have to take
my phone from me anyway?
It's part of the agreement
that all patients
make when they're receiving
treatment here.
Attacking the nurse is not
the way to deal...
- Attacking?
- You stomped on her foot.
I'm sorry, okay?
After you apologize
to the right nurse.
Okay, fine!
Okay, stop it right there.
Take it back a couple
of seconds.
Yeah, what am I gonna do?
Take drugs through my phone?
Is there an app for that?
Okay, right when she
says "I hate this place,"
I want you to cut to her crying
while she's talking
about her dad's abuse.
And then I want you to cut back
to her
talking to Amy saying "I've
never had a friend like you,"
and then I want you to cut to
her slapping Amy.
I think that's gonna
play out really nicely.
Yeah, no problem.
Hello?
- Hi, Amera?
- Yeah.
Shelley's not working well
with us.
She's getting increasingly
violent.
Yeah, and you've been doing
such an amazing job with her.
Take your bad shoes and go out!
I'm placing a request
to transfer to...
oh... oh, wait, wait, wait.
No, you can't do that.
Our ratings have gone way up
since she joined the show.
You know, my contract
says I have the right
to treat these patients
as I see fit.
Okay. No problem at all.
Thank you.
You are wasting my time.
Did you not hear me?
It's looking good.
What is wrong with you?
Out! Out!
We really need to find somebody
to replace Shelley
before she goes.
Are you insane?
I was just showing him
how to do the moves properly.
Proper... y-you hit the guy
in the back of the head
with a wooden sword!
How are you gonna hit him
in the back of the head
if he's supposed
to be watching you?
Hey, I took it upon myself
to make sure
that he does his job right,
which you guys apparently
screwed it up again.
Well, apparently I don't think
this went down the way
you say it did,
because you're obviously
a no-talent poser
who was suggested to me
by a casting director
that I'm never gonna use again.
Huh? What was her name again?
Was it your cousin? Huh?
Well, you can't fire me unless
you're gonna re-shoot everything
I just did, which is gonna
end up costing you.
I'll be just fine. Thanks, man.
But you can expect a lawsuit
from this guy when he wakes up.
Now get the hell off my set.
All right, guys.
I guess we'll finish these
scenes when this guy's okay.
And we'll do the pickups when we
find a new actor, all right?
Now let's... let's start
setting up, guys.
Okay, I'm gonna
give you one last...
get the hell of my set,
you maniac!
Okay, you know what?
You're making a mistake.
You're firing
the next Tomas de la Cruz!
Who?
All right, somebody
call the police.
This is bullshit!
Hey, w-when can I get bullets
for this thing?
I mean, what is the point...
wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. There he is.
So what do we do?
Do we... do we call Carl
now or what?
No, no, no, no.
He's gonna be in an out
and on his way.
So we'll just wait right here
and then follow him
to wherever he's staying.
Thanks.
Oh. Here we go.
- Hello?
- Yeah, we found Tomas.
He's at 2135 green street.
It's an apartment building.
Nice going, Kenny.
Uh, we tailed him from a guy
who makes fake I.D.S,
so I'm guessing he's not
gonna be here for very long.
I'll have some guys there soon.
All right.
Last chance,
then you're digging ditches.
Change first, but whatever.
What happens now?
Well,
he's sending some guys over,
so all we got to do is make sure
Tomas doesn't leave.
See that dude in front there?
That's that prick
I was talking about.
Oh, rich?
That little guy in the middle?
Yeah?
He's been wanting
to fight me since day one.
I don't know
what his problem is.
I almost feel bad
that we're helping these guys.
Listen, um...
I'm probably not gonna be
seeing you again anytime soon.
What do you mean?
God, whatever, Tomas.
You know what?
You're being just like any other
guy with your bullshit.
- Will you just wait a second?
- No.
I will not wait a second.
And I will not wait
for your explanation.
I got to admit, though.
I have never heard the "bookie's
after me for $15,000" excuse.
Lame.
I really wish you'd just
listen to me for a second.
Yeah? Can I help you guys?
- No, but he can.
- Okay.
All right, all right, all right.
You know what?
Just... can we take
this outside?
Why? Is that
where you keep your money?
I don't have it right now,
all right?
But I'm gonna get it.
Why don't you just
call your buddy here
and have him bring it instead?
- My buddy?
- We saw you guys last week
by the piers.
You were giving him something.
That's not my buddy, all right.
That's just some fan
who wanted an autograph.
Can we get your autograph, too?
All right, this is crazy.
I'm gonna call the police.
Aw, now
why you got to go do that?
So, how long's it take
three punks to kick the crap
out of one action star?
What? Let's go.
What do we do? What do we do?
What do we do?
Call an ambulance.
Yeah, yeah...
Hey! Who you calling? Huh?
You gonna come
kick this phone away from me?
- What if I do?
- See what happens.
I'll get you later.
Welcome back to "celebrity
action rehab live!"
Now we will meditate
to the music
as our anger
and tension melt away.
- Guess who I saw yesterday.
- Who did you see?
- Sylvester wonton.
- No way.
Oh, what was the name
of that last movie he did?
- "Garbage man."
- Did anybody go see that?
Yeah, I did.
It was like being a tampon
in a heavy flow,
but you needed another one.
I needed to call for backup.
Well, Ivan's dead.
I can't kill rich and Vic now.
Not... "let's all three
of them," you know?
It doesn't feel right.
They're like the three brothers,
the three amigos,
three compadres.
And when I started bugging him,
he got pissed at me 'cause
his friend died.
And I'm like, "am I supposed
to care about that?"
He'd be perfect for the show.
I'll be right back.
Are you just stupid?
Is that what the problem is?
He put Manny in the hospital.
He just threw Ivan
out of a window.
So you thought, "kill
this guy... an eye for an eye."
Cover your tracks really well
"and everything
will be just fine?"
Never mind the 15 grand,
so long as you teach someone
a lesson?
That's what the goal is here?
He just killed Ivan.
Ivan was a prick
and he slept with your sister.
Ask him.
Why don't you speak English...
hey, why don't you shut up
or I'll kill you right here?
How about that?
Look, let
me just explain to Carl, okay?
I said shut up or I will drop
you in the street.
You're not explaining anything
to my dad.
In fact, he doesn't want you
anywhere near his curb.
Here's what you two
are gonna do... you're gonna
find Ken and his little buddy
and you're gonna follow them
wherever they go.
And you better hope
Ken finds Sameer,
and you really better hope
Sameer has that money
you're so sure he has.
What if Ken
doesn't find anything?
Did I not tell him to shut up
or I'll kill him?
Do not speak in my presence
any more.
Find Ken.
Then your life
depends on him finding Sameer.
And you,
call me when it's an order.
Or a text.
Shoot me a text.
Go.
Aren't you tired?
I haven't pulled an all-nighter
in a long time, you know?
If you want to take off
and get some rest,
it's cool with me if you don't
mind walking or taking a bus.
All right.
Hey, listen, man.
Um, I don't know what you're
planning on doing now, but I...
I don't think I can help you
find that other guy for Carl.
I-I didn't expect this job
to be like this.
- Hello?
- Kenny, my man.
Excellent work last night.
My pops sent over Doe
with the payment.
I hope Tomas's fan
won't be too hard to find.
Yeah, shouldn't be a problem.
Great.
Okay, thank you.
No, thank you.
Carl put double payment
in my drop box.
You won't have
to worry about rent for months.
What?
I just... I don't know
how I feel about that.
What happened
to honorable judge Josh?
Didn't Tomas deserve this?
Doesn't Sameer deserve his, too?
Because... yeah,
I said that people
should choose their friends
better if their friends
get them into trouble,
but I don't want somebody
to die just to prove my point.
I don't want
anybody dying for anything.
I mean, maybe to you, Stan,
and Nick,
this is like normal everyday...
this isn't normal for me, okay?
I've been doing this
for a few years now,
and besides Carl's guys
roughing up a few people
here and there,
the worst I've ever seen
is some property damage
or a few broken hearts.
Everything else was for show.
All the clients Nick
and I've had,
talking about getting back
at people,
nothing has ever gone this far.
Well, that's what I'm saying,
man, I just...
I don't think I could continue
this case with you
if it's gonna go that far.
Well, me neither.
I get what you're saying.
I just feel like if I
don't get to Sameer first,
somebody else will.
So, if you want to help,
I could use it.
But if not, hey, I understand.
All right, wait, wait, wait.
Hey, come see this.
The death of Tomas de la Cruz.
In the life after death...
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Hey, I'm just showing her
this guy's web blogs.
He's supposedly an action star
from the middle east
or something.
And he's all depressed
about his idol's murder.
It's got to be a joke.
My friend worked as a P.A.
On an indie film this guy
was a star of,
and he supposedly fought on-set
with his own stunt double.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Do you want to see
him talk about it?
- It's hilarious.
- Yeah.
Actually, does he have
any contact information
on his channel?
They're gonna be my road hunt.
So, again, for the camera,
if you don't mind.
Okay, after doing a long set
of some fight choreography
that I did.
So I walk off and...
And I'm going straight
to grab my water bottle,
and here he comes...
David... walks straight up
with an attitude.
Walking, he looks at me
and he goes...
And he does these faces.
And I'm wondering,
"why you want to do that, bro?
Come on,
this is professional work."
Anyhow, so I let it go
because I'm a bigger man
than that.
We have to find this guy David
and bring him in here.
Hey.
And I just kind of pushed
him to congratulate him.
Yeah, can you get me
some information on the stuntman
named David Palatnikov?
Yeah. Thanks.
Drinking my water,
minding my own business,
and after the set is done,
he walks up, right?
And... and he's walking towards
me still with an attitude.
Are you out of your damn mind,
son?
You don't get your hands dirty.
Call him now!
All right, all right!
Just really creeps me out.
He wants me to call Kyle.
Yeah, I know.
Creeps me out, too.
Hey, Sam. How's your dad?
Hey, at least we tried, right?
We can't find Sameer,
maybe nobody else can.
Yeah, maybe he left town
or something.
Yeah.
Got to take a piss.
Welcome back to "celebrity
action rehab live!"
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'd like to welcome
Sameer Yousef to our group.
It'd be great if we could all
begin with a brief introduction.
Yeah, I'm Jimmy,
and this is Moe Moe.
Sorry, I need the music
for my rage.
No problem. Nice to meet you.
So, what brought you here?
Samantha,
can you just say "hello"
and tell him your name?
Hello.
And, uh, he just said my name.
Hello.
Sameer, would you care
to share your story with us?
Sure. Um...
He actually got on that show.
It's not gonna take long
for Carl's guys to find him.
Okay.
Can we stop at a bullet store
on the way?
Not now.
Let me make a call real quick.
Hey, Stan.
Yeah, we found the guy.
Are you still down? Okay.
Thanks, man.
- What's up?
- I told him back in the diner
that we're gonna
go after Sameer.
So, what,
he's gonna back us up now?
Sort of.
Did you meditate today?
Yeah, it's good.
No one was around, so I, uh,
popped in my jet Li DVDs
and just lathered up
with some oil
and just really relaxed.
Hello?
Hi, this is David Palatnikov.
I got your message.
I believe you have some work
for me.
David.
Is it possible for you to meet
us at the shooting location?
I'll text you the address.
Okay, yeah. I'll head on over.
Thank you.
Great.
- Yep?
- Hey, Mike.
- Yep?
- I have a David Palatnikov
coming over there right now.
I need you to get a camera
on him and on Sameer asap.
- You got it.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- So, good stuff so far today?
I got some hilarious footage
of the new guy.
Awesome. Thank you.
I'm gonna go welcome David
to the house.
He should be here any minute.
I'm ready for him.
I'll send him
in when he gets here.
Okay, sounds good.
And make sure that Mike
has a new tape.
- I just did that.
- Is Dr. Derek around?
No, he just left. He probably
won't be back for a while.
Okay, good.
I need you to keep an eye out
for him.
And if he comes back any sooner,
we might need to stall him.
Okay.
I can do that.
Oh, hey, Marty.
I mean, you guys
have seen "fist of won," right?
It's Tomas de la Cruz's
best movie, man.
Yeah, keep going, man.
I'm listening.
And I really don't know
why people keep giving me
a hard time for loving the guy.
I just want to carry on
his legacy.
I mean, he made amazing
action movies...
So, I did meet the guy...
Which was crazy.
Next thing I know, he's dead.
And the woman
who contacted me said she wants
me to be on this show
to pay tribute to him,
but I haven't had the chance
to do so yet.
And I still don't know
why I'm here.
But I do like that you guys
do listen to me.
Yeah, man.
It's what we're here for.
Thank you, man.
Because he always
forgets that, too.
And don't worry
about calling for Marty
unless there's a real problem.
We need to let Mike
get enough footage of David
and Sameer's reunion.
I got to go. David's here.
This is gonna be great.
Hi, I'm David.
Amera sent me here
to work on a project.
- Come on in.
- All right.
We got to get in
before the gate closes.
Just park
where you see the other cars
and take the path
up to the house.
Hey, uh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is private property.
You need to leave.
Yeah, we need to get in there.
Um... Want to help me here, man?
There's a guy in your cast
or whatever you call it...
He's in there
and he's in some big trouble
with some very bad people.
We're just gonna go in and...
everyone here is probably
in trouble with bad people.
Allow the music to soothe you.
He pretended he didn't
Tomas de la Cruz.
I wanted to test my stunt double
to see if he's capable
of doing this difficult move.
You know how it is, right?
Why are we wasting time?
Let's... look,
we're gonna go in.
You can do
what ever you need to.
No. No, I don't think so.
Marty?
Can you come down here, please?
Let's just jump this fence.
Hell no.
You ruined my career and now
you're here to rub it in?
Beginner moves.
Who are you guys?
- We're friends of Tomas.
- What?
Well, the last ones to hang out
with him, anyway.
He was a real asshole,
wasn't he?
Any enemy of Tomas
is an enemy of mine.
Sameer?
Everything all right?
As rage becomes calm...
Get his legs.
Hey, Sameer?
What is that? A stick?
Yeah. That's gonna hurt.
- You go first.
- Me?
You're the one
that wanted to come in.
Gonna say something?
There's somebody in that house
who could be in a lot of trouble
very soon.
We just want to help him out.
Man, what is...
What's going on down here?
Hey, Marty? You might want to
come up here soon.
- He's busy, Mike.
- Okay, whatever.
Relax and...
no!
Moe Moe! No!
Let me go. Fight me one-on-one.
David! David! Help me out, man.
I'll handle these fools.
I got him! Get the guns!
Get the guns!
Hit him, don't shoot him!
Hit him! Hit him!
His head broke your...
Broke your gun.
What'd you use my gun for?
I don't know, how am I
supposed to know which gun...
you're the one...
can't I put your bullets
in my gun?
No.
You all right, man?
Hey, man. Are you all right?
Wait, where'd he go?
Oh, those two guys
you were fighting
just wrapped him up in a carpet
and took off.
- When?
- Just now.
What the...
Hey. Hey, man.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Two guys in black.
They took someone.
Ah, let me guess who.
- Sameer?
- Yeah.
How'd you know?
Man, how'd he get by us?
Is there like a back road
or something?
Well, let's go. Come on.
All right.
So, where we gonna go?
I mean, there's no car
to follow, so...
Carl usually takes people
to this factory,
so I think
we should try there first.
Hey, man, you sure you want to
come with us?
All right.
No, it's my dad.
He's giving me a bunch
of crap about my jacket.
Yeah, the blue one.
No, I know.
It's my favorite one.
Hey, I got to go. All right.
Bye.
Hey, there, sunshine.
Welcome back.
Why does everybody do that?
You're tied up.
We're standing right in front
of you.
What's all the struggling about?
If you so much
as loosen anything or even try,
I'm just gonna have these guys
beat the crap out of you.
Whoa.
What are those?
Which one of those goes
into his eye?
Now, see, here's the thing...
Your boy, Tomas,
he owed my dad a pretty penny.
But someone couldn't collect
before stabbing him.
He's talking with the tape
on his mouth.
You see what I mean?
This could be very frustrating.
Take it off.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
You think that hurts?
Untie me now.
Fight me like real men.
Why are you trying...
Listen, my boys
saw Tomas give you something
and then you disappeared.
So now, unfortunately,
you're stuck
holding your friend's bill.
We're gonna start the collection
with whatever it is
Tomas gave you.
Tomas would have never
given out his autograph
to anyone like you.
Wow.
This guy's a lunatic.
You know, put the tape back on.
Can you put something sharp
in his face?
Maybe speed this process
up a little bit?
See what we have to put up with
because you
can't control yourself?
Now, this fools
out here all by himself,
too stupid to understand that...
Ken?
Come on, Sam.
He had nothing
to do with Tomas's debt.
He was just at the wrong place
at the wrong...
when did you start
caring so much?
Ah. Nick's substitute.
You know, Kenny?
You better walk away right now
and live with the fact
that I'm gonna be giving you
some very negative reviews
online, pal.
Who the hell is this guy?
So you gonna let him go?
Private investigator turned
superhero... Ken Champaco.
No, you know what? Shoot him.
All of them.
Seriously?
Neither of you guys
are carrying?
'Cause you know I don't.
This guy just brought a bucket
of tools, some plastic,
had enough room for a chair,
but no gun?
I see now why you guys have been
doing my dad's bitch work.
Now would be an excellent time
to redeem yourself.
Now hurry this up.
I'll just be a minute.
Not bad...
For a fat guy.
You're still fat.
Come on. Hit me.
Ha!
Aah!
Where's the rest of them, man?
We got them. We got them.
Can you check on him?
Please? All right.
So what do we do now?
Carl's obviously gonna come
after us,
and then him and then David.
I think we should wait
to hear from Stan.
Yeah, where is Stan?
What is he doing?
Aargh!
All right, so,
since I know every piece of shit
that you're gonna hire to go
after me and my buddies,
I think it's safe to assume
that we're done here, right?
Don't you know
what kind of movie this is?
First you finish him,
then we fight.
- Cheap shot.
- What did you say?
I said, "cheap shot."
I wasn't ready.
I was gonna kick you ass.
Oh, would you?
Yeah.
Let's go!
Argh!
Argh!
Argh!
Argh!
Aah!
Argh!
Argh!
All right.
All right, and then push me.
Watch it.
Lucas is gonna
fall outside the window
into these boxes and mats.
What?
I'm just gonna kick his ass.
Action.
And one, two, three.
Cut!
Good shot, good shot.
Oh, man.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, shit! Sorry.
Now you gotta trip him.
Oh, shit.
Nice, man.
You all right?
Sorry.
Let's go, man.
Cut.
- Ready?
- Yeah, you?
Yeah.
Last time.
I'm gonna get a sandwich.
Oh, hit cut.
Hey, Nick, remember that thing
I was telling you about?
You know, like, back in '84?
Uh... No.
- Weren't you a baby?
- There it is.
I don't know man.
I still want to be a p.I.
You know, I got a kid now.
So, what,
you want to buy a taco truck?
Who's gonna run it?
I can cook, man.
Okay. I can't.
Can you ride a skateboard?
Good morning, bay area!
It's a beautiful Monday.
Hope you'll get out there
and try to forget
about this past weekend,
especially you sports fans.
I've never seen so much bad luck
in three days of my life.
If anybody put money down
on our bay-area favorites,
you might want to think
about robbing a bank
and getting out of the country.
Or maybe you should just
go back to Vegas and stay there.
I don't what to stay
besides "music cures all."
Here's hoping this new track
from "the illness" will do
just that.
- Yeah?
- Thomas!
Hey, it's Sam calling
for my dad, Carl.
You have had
some of the worst luck anyone
has ever had.
I can have your money
for you in a week.
A week? The last time
my dad waited a week,
I had to find the guy.
Had to track him down
and cut off his finger.
Had to bring it back to my dad.
Ended up being the wrong finger.
The point is I got trouble.
See, it's about image.
I can't go around cutting off
everybody's fingers.
There's only digits
on a guy's hands,
then I got to move to toes...
I'll get it, all right?
Look,
I'm on a new film right now.
I could just ask...
a new blockbuster
like your last couple?
What was that last one
you did with, uh...
With a plot?
Just give me some time.
I'll have it.
Well, I'm sure.
I'll see you soon.
Hey, pop?
This guy's not gonna
come up with 15 grand,
even if he had a week.
You wanna make a bet this
becomes an amazing action movie?
Tomas will be
out any second now.
Don't start the car
until we see him.
Hi, you've reached Sara.
I'm not available.
Give me a call,
but leave me a message.
Don't worry about the sign.
It's a low-budget gig.
I'm sure you're gonna get
some great action for your reel.
Okay.
Hey, guys. Sorry for the wait.
There was a huge order
put in before yours...
A little bit confusion.
Are you gonna put it down
or are you gonna
keep babbling like an idiot?
You mean to tell me
whose is which?
That's mine.
So put his there and give
me my plate!
Oh, here.
- What are you doing?
- You're fired!
I didn't...
hey, Sara.
- Hey, baby.
- I need to crash with you
for a couple of nights.
Is that all right?
Yeah, sure. Is everything okay?
It's too hard
to explain right now.
All right. I'll see you soon.
All right, thanks, bye.
So, you've known Nick
longer than I have?
Uh, yeah.
I've known Nick
since we were kids.
But you been working with him
for two years now, right?
Uh-huh. So, um,
Nick probably gave you
a good idea of what we do here.
Yeah, he said you guys
get paid pretty well
for just taking a few pictures
and, uh...
Every now and then, things get
a little physical, but...
It's not like you guys
are running around in the middle
of a gun fight or something,
right?
Right?
Is that what he said?
W-well, yeah.
Is that...
don't worry about that.
Listen, sometimes things
get a little physical,
but I'm assuming
since Nick sent you here
today to fill in for him
that you understand that.
Well... yeah.
But...
- Yo.
- Hey, is punk ass there?
Yeah, your guy's here.
You wanna stop by?
Listen, I just got a ticket
for parking...
yeah, okay.
Who was that?
You blind?
- This the guy?
- Yep.
That's him.
Was that... did you just call?
Don't matter. Stand up.
- Wait, is this... is this...
- Don't worry about it.
Get up.
What are you, like, 20?
- No...
- Doesn't matter.
Wait, wait!
How far is this supposed to go?
Hey...
Nice.
- What, are you guys nuts?
- Hey, hey.
I didn't know he was gonna
do all of that.
And who is he?
That's Stan.
He's an old buddy of Nick and I.
He's been a bounty hunter
for a couple of years now,
so, you know,
we help each other out on cases.
You work with this guy?
Sometimes.
You got the job, by the way.
- Uh...
- Grab that folder right there.
We're gonna make a run, drop off
some pictures to a client.
Then you and I get to start
on this new case together.
Wha... I...
What about... what about Stan?
But Josh handled himself like a
pro just like you said he would.
- Hey!
- All right, he's coming.
I'll call you back.
Oh, you seem very okay
with everything
that just happened in there.
Man, I'm not cool with that.
Listen, I'm not putting my life
in the hands of someone
who needs some warning
before something goes down.
I wanted to see what you got.
Stan was down to help.
Now, you handled yourself
like Nick said you could,
but I had to be sure.
If you want to fill in for Nick,
I got your back as long
as you agree to get mine.
It's the only way
this is gonna work.
I told Nick
I'd help fill in for him 'cause
him and his girl
are having a baby
and he'd do the same thing
for me.
Otherwise, what?
You'd go get another job? Yeah.
Oh, really?
'Cause Nick told me about
the last couple jobs you had.
I could make money
doing something else.
Not as much as you
would with me, but, you know,
it's up to you.
I'm down as long
as that is my last test.
I told you you got the job.
Why would I need to test you
again?
So?
All right. All right.
Come on.
So, I'm curious.
You ever use a gun?
Yeah, at a range.
- Okay, good.
- Wait, wait, wait.
Is getting shot
at a part of this job?
Thinking positive is good,
but being prepared
is even better.
Do you have a gun?
Did Nick have a gun?
No, Nick never carried a gun.
That's probably why he got shot.
I'm joking.
I think Nick would have told you
if he got shot.
Well, I don't know!
He didn't tell me about Stan!
That's not funny, man.
I just want you to know
I'm carrying.
And I've never had to use mine,
but I feel better
having it on me.
So, you know, whatever you want.
Come on.
Let's go. Let's go.
So, shouldn't I get
a bullet-proof vest?
Yeah,
that's probably a good idea.
Well, then
shouldn't you get one, too?
No, why? I already have one.
So, who's this client
we're gonna go see?
Check out that folder.
So, what, we just...
We go over there, drop off
the pictures, that's it?
Yeah, then we start looking
for the action stars.
They're in there. You'll see.
I don't recognize this guy
at all.
Tomas de la Cruz is actually
a popular action star
from a small town in Peru.
He made some cheesy action films
and now he's got
himself a little cult following.
What do you mean "cheesy"
action films?
Cut!
- What the hell?
- What's wrong?
Somebody got the boom
in the shot.
Somebody got in my shot.
Who?
Jesus Christ.
Well,
I'm not doing all that again,
so you guys better just cut
that up and take it from, uh,
this guy's fall.
Uh, he's, uh, not conscious.
What?
This is not the fake piece
of wood.
Why would there be any real
pieces of wood anywhere near me
during this part of the fight?
And what is the purpose,
if I may ask,
of all this powder?
I told you
there's too much powder.
- Told me?
- Yeah. Yeah, you.
Why is that my responsibility?
- Have him do it.
- Hey, hold up.
Hold up. What? I could do it.
Wow. All right, you know what?
He can do it, okay?
I'm gonna go take a break.
You guys figure it out.
Let me know when you need me.
And get this guy some medical
attention or something.
Jesus.
Tomas.
Manny, just tell Carl
that I'm getting paid
enough for this masterpiece
I'm working on now.
Yeah, okay.
Who's this?
What?
That's just...
That's just his fan that came up
to me and wanted an autograph.
Yeah.
Yeah, sure he is. Come on.
You know I'm here to bring back
something of value.
All right.
I got some cash in the car,
all right? Just hang on.
Yeah, let me come with you.
Make sure your fans
don't get too hostile.
Tomas's Beatdown
put Carl's right-hand-man
- in the hospital.
- Damn.
Carl's not a guy
you want to be making bets with.
I mean, he's closer to a mob
boss than he is to a bookie.
So, why is Tomas up here
if he's an action star
down in Peru?
He thought he could break
into the industry up here.
Since he couldn't catch
a good break,
he started betting on a few
things to make some money back,
but the losses started
racking up pretty quickly.
So, what, we... we find him,
tell Carl where he is?
That's usually
how it's supposed to go,
but if it was that easy,
I wouldn't need a partner
to back me up.
People don't like being followed
around, you know?
Yeah, well...
Maybe they
can choose their friends
a little better then, you know?
All right, who is this
and where is he allowed
to be in action movies, man?
Sameer Yousef...
Another popular action star
- from Sahab.
- Where's that?
A small city in Jordan.
Doesn't matter.
Sameer's actually been following
in Tomas's footsteps for years.
He claims he taught him
everything he knows.
So, Sameer owes Carl money, too?
I don't know.
But Sameer's been
seen with Tomas.
He's the only connection
we have right now.
So far, we don't know if Tomas
has any other friends up here,
and we still don't even know
where the guy lives.
So then how are we even
supposed to find these guys?
Well, Tomas is gonna be tough,
but Sameer is actually a lead
in an indie action film
that is now on hold 'cause
he walked off.
So we're just gonna have to keep
an eye out for that production
to get up and running again.
Okay, cut!
Did he just say "cut"?
I'm feeling a little hungry,
so why don't you go ahead
and bring my stunt double
for now while I take a rest?
Okay.
Yeah, right.
Okay. Uh, well, all right.
Let's get the stunt double out.
Okay, this guy's terrible, man.
What do you say
we shoot the last few moves
with the stunt double?
Sure. It's good to make sure.
Yeah? Okay, yeah.
Yeah, we're gonna take it back
a few shots, all right guys?
Hey.
You know,
I could do these moves,
but I wouldn't want
to stop the pace right now.
Yeah, okay.
All right.
Hey, do your thing, man.
Do they look alike?
He came highly recommended.
Yeah, that's fine.
But we still
have to shoot the shot.
Now, how do we do
that when they don't look alike?
If you shoot it
at the right angle.
Guys, sorry about the confusion
on that last take.
Let's just work on the set
of moves that we did earlier,
and you guys will be great.
All right, guys.
Let's lock it down.
Give me a slate.
Scene 19, take 85.
Roll camera.
And action!
Wow.
Cut. Wow.
That was incredible, man. Huh.
Man, if this guy
lost 100 pounds,
you could have him as the lead.
Uh, all right, guys.
That's dinner.
Food's out in the truck.
Let's go.
Hey, man.
I think me and you, we trained
at the same martial arts school.
All right. I'm gonna go take...
I detect a little disbelief.
You're probably thinking
because I took a break time
it's your time
to shine and make me look bad!
I'm just trying to do my job.
If you have a problem,
talk to the director.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
I studied 10 styles
of martial arts
and I never needed
this spinning kicking stuff,
just the element of surprise.
Hey, what's that?
That was pretty good.
I'm glad you passed my test.
I only surround myself
with the best talent there is.
And you, my friend, are good
enough to be my stunt double.
- Find someone else, asshole.
- Okay.
Okay, that's fine.
But just to let you know
that you won't be nothing
in this industry.
Nothing!
Hey, what's going on, man?
Why am I seeing
Dave walk off like that?
If you can't hire
a professional stunt double...
hey, buddy.
That guy's obviously a pro.
He's been doing it for years!
Yeah?
Well, y-y-your pro just
attacked me.
I can't believe this guy
is an action anywhere.
I got to see his movies.
No, you don't.
All right, man.
Time to help
break someone's heart.
Grab that folder.
Are we just gonna give her
the photos and that's it?
Isn't that kind of cold?
We're not her psychiatrist.
What do you want to do?
I don't know.
- Who's this?
- I-I'm Josh.
Um, I'm... I'm sorry for...
Just come on inside.
I'll get your money.
All right,
let me see the pictures.
Sorry, Michelle.
Hey, um...
Michelle, you know,
sometimes people, you know,
they've...
son of a bitch is gonna pay.
Was that normal
for her to carry a switchblade
- in her apron?
- I don't know.
I'm hungry, though. You hungry?
- Oh, morning.
- Afternoon.
Really?
Yeah.
I made you some breakfast.
You might have
to heat it up a little.
Thanks.
Hey, you think I
could borrow your car again?
I-I-I got to get down to...
Tomas, I have to get to class
and I have to work later.
Right, right.
What is it?
I was thinking, you know,
you and I, we should... need
to take a trip, you know?
Like, let's get out of here,
you know?
Let's do something
to break the routine.
Just me and you, you know?
Uh, that would be nice,
but you know I have finals
next week.
But maybe after that.
Mm-hmm.
And besides, you have
to finish your movie, right?
Yeah, you're right.
- Yeah.
- Okay. I got to go.
- Yeah, who is it?
- It's Tomas.
If you're in debt,
why don't you just use this
to pay whoever you owe money to?
'Cause I think I need
a little bit more on the down
before I could start
making payments.
Huh. Okay. Same time tomorrow...
You got a passport and I.D.
Okay.
Dick.
Mmm.
What?
Want me... want me
to get something else?
You're... you're...
You're not even worried
about what Michelle might do
- to her now-ex-boyfriend?
- Why?
Do you have some special place
in your heart for cheaters?
No, I... I'm just saying,
what if she actually goes
and nunchakus this guy up
or worse?
Yeah, well, she might do that.
She might have done
that to the last guy.
I guess we'll never know, right?
Unless she pays us
to follow her.
Okay, so...
You're saying
if you don't see anything, then.
Out of sight out of mind.
I suggest you get used to it,
all right?
Nick and I got paid
for delivering information
to people,
not for what they do with it.
Hang on. I got to take this.
Hello?
Welcome back to "celebrity
action rehab live!"
Did you move my stuff?
- What stuff?
- My makeup bag in the bathroom.
Did you move my stuff?
Why would I move... Oh, really?
What's this? Ladies, ladies.
Are we here to fight addictions
or are we here
to fight each other?
Hey, you down to make
a couple extra g's tonight?
Uh, yeah.
What... what's going on?
Uh, my buddy needs backup.
W-what does that mean, "backup"?
Uh, we're probably just gonna
make sure he doesn't,
uh... nothing goes crazy.
Whatever.
Hey, you ever see that show,
"celebrity action rehab"?
- No, what...
- It's stupid.
- But what are we gonna do?
- Prime time slot.
Let's go.
I'll tell you in the car.
W-wha...
you're real smart, bitch.
I... I just want to know
who we're backing up.
Hey!
Thanks man.
Why you always messing
with my car?
Who is this?
- So, what's up?
- Some guy stole a Van
full of missing artwork
on the way to the museum.
I've been telling him
for an hour now...
Three guys,
didn't really recognize them.
They're probably buyers.
Okay, so, who hired you?
The museum?
No, actually,
this is the delivery company.
They figure the missing Van
would be low priority
for the police.
So u-haul hires bounty hunters?
Was I talking to you?
I'm just saying
it's kind of funny,
a delivery company's hiring...
if you want
a cut of this money,
you better watch your mouth.
I'm not even saying anything
about you, man.
Yeah, I didn't figure
you'd want this again.
Again?
You're memory's a little
altered there, buddy.
Hey, hey. Come on.
Look, we're here
to get your back,
okay? Relax.
- Let's go.
- All right.
So, anyway, like I was saying...
All right, there's four guys.
They're unloading the artwork
right now.
These guys are low-level.
The leader looks like he's young
noir or something like that.
Three guys in there look
like they're going clubbing
- afterwards.
- Wait, wait.
How many guys
you trying to catch?
I don't know.
Why don't you get a calculator
and go figure it out?
- Hey, I'm just...
- So, what's the plan?
My client's paying me to get
the artwork back.
The Van they sold.
And whatever happens, happens.
Question... why wouldn't
any of these guys have guns
or something? They probably do.
But if they do, then so do we.
Yeah, well, I don't.
Oh, yeah.
What did you expect, you idiot?
Don't worry about it.
There's two of us.
We got your back.
If people start shooting,
just hang back.
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Hang back and see
if you get a cut of the money.
Don't worry.
Just do what you do.
Oh, what are they doing here?
- Who?
- Those three guys in black.
Those are Carl's guys. Oh, good.
So we don't have
to worry about them?
I don't know.
I'm not buddies
with them or anything.
I'm just saying
I know them and they know me.
So what now?
Well, I'm guessing they're here
to do some kind of deal,
and since we're trying to stop
that from happening...
all right, all right, all
right. Well, we'll see.
All right, hey,
I'm gonna go take those three.
Fine.
I got the guys on the left.
- W-what about the other guys?
- Okay.
On three?
Hey!
Everybody get on the ground!
Ken?
Hey, man.
I'm just helping my buddy
with these guys.
We're not here for you.
Hey, get on the ground.
Stan, just one second.
Carl sent us here
to pick up some stuff.
Think you know what that means.
Yeah, well, my buddy's here
to get that stuff back,
so I'm sure you understand.
I'm sure Carl will, too.
I don't think Carl likes you
as much as you think he does.
Hey, man, I'm still
working for him just like you.
Come on, guys. Let's go.
Hey! Why isn't dick face
on the ground? What did you say?
I said, "why are you
on the ground, dick face?"
Stan, relax.
Guns are for pussies.
And you, my friend, are a pussy.
I would own you. Oh, would you?
Just calm down, Stan!
Oh.
Whoops.
Nick's substitute, right?
Thanks.
You didn't seem yourself
while you were training today.
What's the problem?
This last film
I worked on didn't go too well.
First the director
made a comment about my weight.
David, shape and size cannot
hide talent.
It adds character,
and your father
was the living proof of that.
Yeah, but he didn't try to make
it the entertainment industry.
I bet he could have
if that's what he wanted to do.
Before he passed away,
he did everything
he wanted to do in life.
He never let anyone tell him
he couldn't do anything,
like you when you first
started training with me.
That's training here with you.
Out there,
it's a different world.
During break, the lead
tried to pick a fight with me.
Jealous of your talent, maybe?
He seemed pretty confident
to me.
People who pick fights
usually don't have someone
to fight with them,
and people
who talk down to people
usually need someone to listen.
So what am I supposed to do?
Defend someone that wants
to fight me and lend my ear
to someone that's insulted me?
Not challenging enough for you?
Hello?
- Hey, David. It's frank.
- Yeah.
Yeah,
about that Sameer thing, well,
here's the deal...
Nobody saw nothing,
so unfortunately, it's
Sameer's word against yours.
And what did he say?
Well, apparently he says
he was talking to you
about martial arts,
you somehow became offended
and attacked him.
What an asshole.
Yeah, basically he's told
everyone on set that, you know,
he refuses to work
around a maniac.
So what does that mean for me?
Well, since he's the lead,
they're just gonna go
with another stunt double.
But, hey,
d-don't worry about it.
You know,
I'll keep an eye out for you.
And besides,
think about it this way...
As long as people
keep eating all that fast food,
- you'll have work.
- Okay.
Hey, listen,
I had a breakfast burrito
and that thing's working its way
through me.
I got to get to a toilet fast.
Yeah. Bye.
Yeah, talk to you soon, buddy.
- What's up?
- Oh, hey.
How's it going? Who's this guy?
Uh, it's... bill
no, I'm Tony.
Might want to make sure
it's actually bill.
I don't want to keep you...
You're busy...
But is my dad here?
- Yeah, what's up?
- Rich, Vic,
and Ivan were supposed to
pick up some artwork for my dad,
but they screwed it up.
I can give them one more chance,
but then I have to kill
all three of them.
And then that's a bummer
because you got to take care
of the bodies... you know,
digging all the ditches
and however you do it.
It's not my... you know what?
I'll handle it.
Well, see you around...
William. Um...
Well, actually, I probably
won't ever see you again.
But see you.
Isn't this fun? Huh?
Aren't we all having fun? Right?
Silence!
Rico, my old friend.
- Hyena.
- I thought you were dead.
Didn't take.
Ha ha ha.
Get out of my way.
You're just in time.
We're having a little party
for this bitch.
Well, you know what they say...
"It's not a bitch party
without a bitch."
Indeed.
One moment.
Hyena, there's just one problem.
Yes?
This bitch is my sister.
My nuts!
Oh!
Drop the gun.
I'm British.
I thought you were German.
Well, people change.
Now turn around.
Ha!
What good is your code
of Peruvian Bushido now?
It's good for this.
Rico!
Easy. Nothing.
Oh, Rico, if you weren't
my brother...
I'm not. I'm your step-brother.
Tomas de la Cruz!
Man, I know I can make it
like you did.
And I'll never forget
what you told me that day.
Respect.
What the hell
are you doing, man?
Sorry, Mr. de la Cruz?
I'm a huge fan of yours.
I love your movies.
And "multiple impact"
is such an action classic!
- You... you've seen my films?
- Yes, sir.
All three.
And I started acting and
studying several martial arts
to be as great of an action star
as you.
R-really?
Now, see, that's funny,
'cause actually I don't even
take martial arts, man.
I just kind
of punch and kick people.
No way, man.
You must be a natural then,
because I studied 10 martial
arts to be as great as you, man.
- Dang, 10?
- And I read all 10 books twice.
Oh, I see.
So you read fighting books.
- Yes, sir.
- Well, hey, you know what?
Whatever keeps you
motivated, you know, is...
Is good, I guess.
Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, hey.
Can I take an autograph?
Uh... sure.
Can you make it out to, uh,
Sameer Yousef, please?
I can't believe
that I just met you now.
I was on my way to an audition
downtown and...
This must be a sign.
Unbelievable. There you go, man.
Thank you, sir.
Can I take one picture?
Just... just one picture?
Yeah, sure.
My friends won't believe this.
All right.
Yes!
- Hey, this is me.
- Yeah.
Oh, hey, man. You know what?
I got to go.
It was really great to meet you
and, uh,
take it easy, all right?
Is everything okay?
- Aye!
- Hey, is something wrong?
Is... is it paparazzi?
I'll create a divergence!
What are you doing?
Isn't that your...
Get on the train!
Hey, Vic.
Let's get ready to move.
Looks like they're getting
on this bus.
I swear,
if we lose these guys, you guys
are all walking back to Carl's.
What? Why?
'Cause you guys
keep asking me stupid questions.
Let's go.
I get it.
You keep pretending that people
are chasing after you
so you keep your acting sharp.
- Wow.
- Yeah, no.
It... it helps. It does.
It helps.
Wow. That is fantastic.
Hey, can you
give me any other advice?
I would really appreciate it.
- Well, it's a tough business.
- Okay.
All right, there's always gonna
be some asshole trying to Jack
you of your opportunities,
all right?
- So don't trust anybody.
- Okay.
- Okay?
- Thank you. Thank you.
Yeah, I hope you
make your audition, man.
Thank you so much, sir.
Hey!
Hey, it's an honor!
Whatever.
Man, that was a waste of time.
He didn't even have a gun.
Don't worry about it.
Look, we've got snacks now.
Hey, man.
You got to try these chips.
Those look like not chips,
all right?
Why are we walking
through all these alleys?
I don't like to pay
for the parking.
Chinatown sucks.
Man, I don't need one of those.
What I really need right now
is... one of those?
Hey, shut up and give me
your wallets... both of you.
Man.
This is just...
what are you doing?
- I'm giving him my wallet.
- Just shut up.
And you, do the same thing...
Wallet, now.
No, I don't want to.
- What?
- Are you crazy?
Yeah, man. What are you, crazy?
No.
Look, if I give you my wallet,
can I put
these down on the ground?
Whatever.
- Wallet, now.
- You know what?
I don't want to do that 'cause
it smells like someone
took a piss here and I
don't want to mess up my chips.
- So you hold this.
- Hold this?
Hold this.
Look at that.
Yeah, uh,
it's a gun with no... no clip.
There's no bullets.
Always complaining.
Okay, come on, man.
So, this guy, Pete,
he makes fake I.D.S
yeah, there's only a few guys
that are really pro.
Right there... white door.
So, what? We just wait?
- Yep.
- All right.
- Hello?
- I told you weren't out of it.
What's up?
New martial arts film casting
for an overweight actor
who can throw a couple of kicks
and they don't care
what you look like.
Now who's the man?
- Live!
- What am I gonna do?
Take drugs through my phone?
Is there an app for that?
What right do you have to take
my phone from me anyway?
It's part of the agreement
that all patients
make when they're receiving
treatment here.
Attacking the nurse is not
the way to deal...
- Attacking?
- You stomped on her foot.
I'm sorry, okay?
After you apologize
to the right nurse.
Okay, fine!
Okay, stop it right there.
Take it back a couple
of seconds.
Yeah, what am I gonna do?
Take drugs through my phone?
Is there an app for that?
Okay, right when she
says "I hate this place,"
I want you to cut to her crying
while she's talking
about her dad's abuse.
And then I want you to cut back
to her
talking to Amy saying "I've
never had a friend like you,"
and then I want you to cut to
her slapping Amy.
I think that's gonna
play out really nicely.
Yeah, no problem.
Hello?
- Hi, Amera?
- Yeah.
Shelley's not working well
with us.
She's getting increasingly
violent.
Yeah, and you've been doing
such an amazing job with her.
Take your bad shoes and go out!
I'm placing a request
to transfer to...
oh... oh, wait, wait, wait.
No, you can't do that.
Our ratings have gone way up
since she joined the show.
You know, my contract
says I have the right
to treat these patients
as I see fit.
Okay. No problem at all.
Thank you.
You are wasting my time.
Did you not hear me?
It's looking good.
What is wrong with you?
Out! Out!
We really need to find somebody
to replace Shelley
before she goes.
Are you insane?
I was just showing him
how to do the moves properly.
Proper... y-you hit the guy
in the back of the head
with a wooden sword!
How are you gonna hit him
in the back of the head
if he's supposed
to be watching you?
Hey, I took it upon myself
to make sure
that he does his job right,
which you guys apparently
screwed it up again.
Well, apparently I don't think
this went down the way
you say it did,
because you're obviously
a no-talent poser
who was suggested to me
by a casting director
that I'm never gonna use again.
Huh? What was her name again?
Was it your cousin? Huh?
Well, you can't fire me unless
you're gonna re-shoot everything
I just did, which is gonna
end up costing you.
I'll be just fine. Thanks, man.
But you can expect a lawsuit
from this guy when he wakes up.
Now get the hell off my set.
All right, guys.
I guess we'll finish these
scenes when this guy's okay.
And we'll do the pickups when we
find a new actor, all right?
Now let's... let's start
setting up, guys.
Okay, I'm gonna
give you one last...
get the hell of my set,
you maniac!
Okay, you know what?
You're making a mistake.
You're firing
the next Tomas de la Cruz!
Who?
All right, somebody
call the police.
This is bullshit!
Hey, w-when can I get bullets
for this thing?
I mean, what is the point...
wait, wait, wait, wait,
wait, wait. There he is.
So what do we do?
Do we... do we call Carl
now or what?
No, no, no, no.
He's gonna be in an out
and on his way.
So we'll just wait right here
and then follow him
to wherever he's staying.
Thanks.
Oh. Here we go.
- Hello?
- Yeah, we found Tomas.
He's at 2135 green street.
It's an apartment building.
Nice going, Kenny.
Uh, we tailed him from a guy
who makes fake I.D.S,
so I'm guessing he's not
gonna be here for very long.
I'll have some guys there soon.
All right.
Last chance,
then you're digging ditches.
Change first, but whatever.
What happens now?
Well,
he's sending some guys over,
so all we got to do is make sure
Tomas doesn't leave.
See that dude in front there?
That's that prick
I was talking about.
Oh, rich?
That little guy in the middle?
Yeah?
He's been wanting
to fight me since day one.
I don't know
what his problem is.
I almost feel bad
that we're helping these guys.
Listen, um...
I'm probably not gonna be
seeing you again anytime soon.
What do you mean?
God, whatever, Tomas.
You know what?
You're being just like any other
guy with your bullshit.
- Will you just wait a second?
- No.
I will not wait a second.
And I will not wait
for your explanation.
I got to admit, though.
I have never heard the "bookie's
after me for $15,000" excuse.
Lame.
I really wish you'd just
listen to me for a second.
Yeah? Can I help you guys?
- No, but he can.
- Okay.
All right, all right, all right.
You know what?
Just... can we take
this outside?
Why? Is that
where you keep your money?
I don't have it right now,
all right?
But I'm gonna get it.
Why don't you just
call your buddy here
and have him bring it instead?
- My buddy?
- We saw you guys last week
by the piers.
You were giving him something.
That's not my buddy, all right.
That's just some fan
who wanted an autograph.
Can we get your autograph, too?
All right, this is crazy.
I'm gonna call the police.
Aw, now
why you got to go do that?
So, how long's it take
three punks to kick the crap
out of one action star?
What? Let's go.
What do we do? What do we do?
What do we do?
Call an ambulance.
Yeah, yeah...
Hey! Who you calling? Huh?
You gonna come
kick this phone away from me?
- What if I do?
- See what happens.
I'll get you later.
Welcome back to "celebrity
action rehab live!"
Now we will meditate
to the music
as our anger
and tension melt away.
- Guess who I saw yesterday.
- Who did you see?
- Sylvester wonton.
- No way.
Oh, what was the name
of that last movie he did?
- "Garbage man."
- Did anybody go see that?
Yeah, I did.
It was like being a tampon
in a heavy flow,
but you needed another one.
I needed to call for backup.
Well, Ivan's dead.
I can't kill rich and Vic now.
Not... "let's all three
of them," you know?
It doesn't feel right.
They're like the three brothers,
the three amigos,
three compadres.
And when I started bugging him,
he got pissed at me 'cause
his friend died.
And I'm like, "am I supposed
to care about that?"
He'd be perfect for the show.
I'll be right back.
Are you just stupid?
Is that what the problem is?
He put Manny in the hospital.
He just threw Ivan
out of a window.
So you thought, "kill
this guy... an eye for an eye."
Cover your tracks really well
"and everything
will be just fine?"
Never mind the 15 grand,
so long as you teach someone
a lesson?
That's what the goal is here?
He just killed Ivan.
Ivan was a prick
and he slept with your sister.
Ask him.
Why don't you speak English...
hey, why don't you shut up
or I'll kill you right here?
How about that?
Look, let
me just explain to Carl, okay?
I said shut up or I will drop
you in the street.
You're not explaining anything
to my dad.
In fact, he doesn't want you
anywhere near his curb.
Here's what you two
are gonna do... you're gonna
find Ken and his little buddy
and you're gonna follow them
wherever they go.
And you better hope
Ken finds Sameer,
and you really better hope
Sameer has that money
you're so sure he has.
What if Ken
doesn't find anything?
Did I not tell him to shut up
or I'll kill him?
Do not speak in my presence
any more.
Find Ken.
Then your life
depends on him finding Sameer.
And you,
call me when it's an order.
Or a text.
Shoot me a text.
Go.
Aren't you tired?
I haven't pulled an all-nighter
in a long time, you know?
If you want to take off
and get some rest,
it's cool with me if you don't
mind walking or taking a bus.
All right.
Hey, listen, man.
Um, I don't know what you're
planning on doing now, but I...
I don't think I can help you
find that other guy for Carl.
I-I didn't expect this job
to be like this.
- Hello?
- Kenny, my man.
Excellent work last night.
My pops sent over Doe
with the payment.
I hope Tomas's fan
won't be too hard to find.
Yeah, shouldn't be a problem.
Great.
Okay, thank you.
No, thank you.
Carl put double payment
in my drop box.
You won't have
to worry about rent for months.
What?
I just... I don't know
how I feel about that.
What happened
to honorable judge Josh?
Didn't Tomas deserve this?
Doesn't Sameer deserve his, too?
Because... yeah,
I said that people
should choose their friends
better if their friends
get them into trouble,
but I don't want somebody
to die just to prove my point.
I don't want
anybody dying for anything.
I mean, maybe to you, Stan,
and Nick,
this is like normal everyday...
this isn't normal for me, okay?
I've been doing this
for a few years now,
and besides Carl's guys
roughing up a few people
here and there,
the worst I've ever seen
is some property damage
or a few broken hearts.
Everything else was for show.
All the clients Nick
and I've had,
talking about getting back
at people,
nothing has ever gone this far.
Well, that's what I'm saying,
man, I just...
I don't think I could continue
this case with you
if it's gonna go that far.
Well, me neither.
I get what you're saying.
I just feel like if I
don't get to Sameer first,
somebody else will.
So, if you want to help,
I could use it.
But if not, hey, I understand.
All right, wait, wait, wait.
Hey, come see this.
The death of Tomas de la Cruz.
In the life after death...
Hey, guys. What's going on?
Hey, I'm just showing her
this guy's web blogs.
He's supposedly an action star
from the middle east
or something.
And he's all depressed
about his idol's murder.
It's got to be a joke.
My friend worked as a P.A.
On an indie film this guy
was a star of,
and he supposedly fought on-set
with his own stunt double.
- Really?
- Yeah.
Do you want to see
him talk about it?
- It's hilarious.
- Yeah.
Actually, does he have
any contact information
on his channel?
They're gonna be my road hunt.
So, again, for the camera,
if you don't mind.
Okay, after doing a long set
of some fight choreography
that I did.
So I walk off and...
And I'm going straight
to grab my water bottle,
and here he comes...
David... walks straight up
with an attitude.
Walking, he looks at me
and he goes...
And he does these faces.
And I'm wondering,
"why you want to do that, bro?
Come on,
this is professional work."
Anyhow, so I let it go
because I'm a bigger man
than that.
We have to find this guy David
and bring him in here.
Hey.
And I just kind of pushed
him to congratulate him.
Yeah, can you get me
some information on the stuntman
named David Palatnikov?
Yeah. Thanks.
Drinking my water,
minding my own business,
and after the set is done,
he walks up, right?
And... and he's walking towards
me still with an attitude.
Are you out of your damn mind,
son?
You don't get your hands dirty.
Call him now!
All right, all right!
Just really creeps me out.
He wants me to call Kyle.
Yeah, I know.
Creeps me out, too.
Hey, Sam. How's your dad?
Hey, at least we tried, right?
We can't find Sameer,
maybe nobody else can.
Yeah, maybe he left town
or something.
Yeah.
Got to take a piss.
Welcome back to "celebrity
action rehab live!"
Good afternoon, everyone.
I'd like to welcome
Sameer Yousef to our group.
It'd be great if we could all
begin with a brief introduction.
Yeah, I'm Jimmy,
and this is Moe Moe.
Sorry, I need the music
for my rage.
No problem. Nice to meet you.
So, what brought you here?
Samantha,
can you just say "hello"
and tell him your name?
Hello.
And, uh, he just said my name.
Hello.
Sameer, would you care
to share your story with us?
Sure. Um...
He actually got on that show.
It's not gonna take long
for Carl's guys to find him.
Okay.
Can we stop at a bullet store
on the way?
Not now.
Let me make a call real quick.
Hey, Stan.
Yeah, we found the guy.
Are you still down? Okay.
Thanks, man.
- What's up?
- I told him back in the diner
that we're gonna
go after Sameer.
So, what,
he's gonna back us up now?
Sort of.
Did you meditate today?
Yeah, it's good.
No one was around, so I, uh,
popped in my jet Li DVDs
and just lathered up
with some oil
and just really relaxed.
Hello?
Hi, this is David Palatnikov.
I got your message.
I believe you have some work
for me.
David.
Is it possible for you to meet
us at the shooting location?
I'll text you the address.
Okay, yeah. I'll head on over.
Thank you.
Great.
- Yep?
- Hey, Mike.
- Yep?
- I have a David Palatnikov
coming over there right now.
I need you to get a camera
on him and on Sameer asap.
- You got it.
- Okay.
- Hey.
- So, good stuff so far today?
I got some hilarious footage
of the new guy.
Awesome. Thank you.
I'm gonna go welcome David
to the house.
He should be here any minute.
I'm ready for him.
I'll send him
in when he gets here.
Okay, sounds good.
And make sure that Mike
has a new tape.
- I just did that.
- Is Dr. Derek around?
No, he just left. He probably
won't be back for a while.
Okay, good.
I need you to keep an eye out
for him.
And if he comes back any sooner,
we might need to stall him.
Okay.
I can do that.
Oh, hey, Marty.
I mean, you guys
have seen "fist of won," right?
It's Tomas de la Cruz's
best movie, man.
Yeah, keep going, man.
I'm listening.
And I really don't know
why people keep giving me
a hard time for loving the guy.
I just want to carry on
his legacy.
I mean, he made amazing
action movies...
So, I did meet the guy...
Which was crazy.
Next thing I know, he's dead.
And the woman
who contacted me said she wants
me to be on this show
to pay tribute to him,
but I haven't had the chance
to do so yet.
And I still don't know
why I'm here.
But I do like that you guys
do listen to me.
Yeah, man.
It's what we're here for.
Thank you, man.
Because he always
forgets that, too.
And don't worry
about calling for Marty
unless there's a real problem.
We need to let Mike
get enough footage of David
and Sameer's reunion.
I got to go. David's here.
This is gonna be great.
Hi, I'm David.
Amera sent me here
to work on a project.
- Come on in.
- All right.
We got to get in
before the gate closes.
Just park
where you see the other cars
and take the path
up to the house.
Hey, uh...
Whoa, whoa, whoa.
This is private property.
You need to leave.
Yeah, we need to get in there.
Um... Want to help me here, man?
There's a guy in your cast
or whatever you call it...
He's in there
and he's in some big trouble
with some very bad people.
We're just gonna go in and...
everyone here is probably
in trouble with bad people.
Allow the music to soothe you.
He pretended he didn't
Tomas de la Cruz.
I wanted to test my stunt double
to see if he's capable
of doing this difficult move.
You know how it is, right?
Why are we wasting time?
Let's... look,
we're gonna go in.
You can do
what ever you need to.
No. No, I don't think so.
Marty?
Can you come down here, please?
Let's just jump this fence.
Hell no.
You ruined my career and now
you're here to rub it in?
Beginner moves.
Who are you guys?
- We're friends of Tomas.
- What?
Well, the last ones to hang out
with him, anyway.
He was a real asshole,
wasn't he?
Any enemy of Tomas
is an enemy of mine.
Sameer?
Everything all right?
As rage becomes calm...
Get his legs.
Hey, Sameer?
What is that? A stick?
Yeah. That's gonna hurt.
- You go first.
- Me?
You're the one
that wanted to come in.
Gonna say something?
There's somebody in that house
who could be in a lot of trouble
very soon.
We just want to help him out.
Man, what is...
What's going on down here?
Hey, Marty? You might want to
come up here soon.
- He's busy, Mike.
- Okay, whatever.
Relax and...
no!
Moe Moe! No!
Let me go. Fight me one-on-one.
David! David! Help me out, man.
I'll handle these fools.
I got him! Get the guns!
Get the guns!
Hit him, don't shoot him!
Hit him! Hit him!
His head broke your...
Broke your gun.
What'd you use my gun for?
I don't know, how am I
supposed to know which gun...
you're the one...
can't I put your bullets
in my gun?
No.
You all right, man?
Hey, man. Are you all right?
Wait, where'd he go?
Oh, those two guys
you were fighting
just wrapped him up in a carpet
and took off.
- When?
- Just now.
What the...
Hey. Hey, man.
- Are you okay?
- Yeah.
Two guys in black.
They took someone.
Ah, let me guess who.
- Sameer?
- Yeah.
How'd you know?
Man, how'd he get by us?
Is there like a back road
or something?
Well, let's go. Come on.
All right.
So, where we gonna go?
I mean, there's no car
to follow, so...
Carl usually takes people
to this factory,
so I think
we should try there first.
Hey, man, you sure you want to
come with us?
All right.
No, it's my dad.
He's giving me a bunch
of crap about my jacket.
Yeah, the blue one.
No, I know.
It's my favorite one.
Hey, I got to go. All right.
Bye.
Hey, there, sunshine.
Welcome back.
Why does everybody do that?
You're tied up.
We're standing right in front
of you.
What's all the struggling about?
If you so much
as loosen anything or even try,
I'm just gonna have these guys
beat the crap out of you.
Whoa.
What are those?
Which one of those goes
into his eye?
Now, see, here's the thing...
Your boy, Tomas,
he owed my dad a pretty penny.
But someone couldn't collect
before stabbing him.
He's talking with the tape
on his mouth.
You see what I mean?
This could be very frustrating.
Take it off.
Aah! Aah!
Aah!
Aah!
You think that hurts?
Untie me now.
Fight me like real men.
Why are you trying...
Listen, my boys
saw Tomas give you something
and then you disappeared.
So now, unfortunately,
you're stuck
holding your friend's bill.
We're gonna start the collection
with whatever it is
Tomas gave you.
Tomas would have never
given out his autograph
to anyone like you.
Wow.
This guy's a lunatic.
You know, put the tape back on.
Can you put something sharp
in his face?
Maybe speed this process
up a little bit?
See what we have to put up with
because you
can't control yourself?
Now, this fools
out here all by himself,
too stupid to understand that...
Ken?
Come on, Sam.
He had nothing
to do with Tomas's debt.
He was just at the wrong place
at the wrong...
when did you start
caring so much?
Ah. Nick's substitute.
You know, Kenny?
You better walk away right now
and live with the fact
that I'm gonna be giving you
some very negative reviews
online, pal.
Who the hell is this guy?
So you gonna let him go?
Private investigator turned
superhero... Ken Champaco.
No, you know what? Shoot him.
All of them.
Seriously?
Neither of you guys
are carrying?
'Cause you know I don't.
This guy just brought a bucket
of tools, some plastic,
had enough room for a chair,
but no gun?
I see now why you guys have been
doing my dad's bitch work.
Now would be an excellent time
to redeem yourself.
Now hurry this up.
I'll just be a minute.
Not bad...
For a fat guy.
You're still fat.
Come on. Hit me.
Ha!
Aah!
Where's the rest of them, man?
We got them. We got them.
Can you check on him?
Please? All right.
So what do we do now?
Carl's obviously gonna come
after us,
and then him and then David.
I think we should wait
to hear from Stan.
Yeah, where is Stan?
What is he doing?
Aargh!
All right, so,
since I know every piece of shit
that you're gonna hire to go
after me and my buddies,
I think it's safe to assume
that we're done here, right?
Don't you know
what kind of movie this is?
First you finish him,
then we fight.
- Cheap shot.
- What did you say?
I said, "cheap shot."
I wasn't ready.
I was gonna kick you ass.
Oh, would you?
Yeah.
Let's go!
Argh!
Argh!
Argh!
Argh!
Aah!
Argh!
Argh!
All right.
All right, and then push me.
Watch it.
Lucas is gonna
fall outside the window
into these boxes and mats.
What?
I'm just gonna kick his ass.
Action.
And one, two, three.
Cut!
Good shot, good shot.
Oh, man.
- Come on, come on, come on.
- Oh, shit! Sorry.
Now you gotta trip him.
Oh, shit.
Nice, man.
You all right?
Sorry.
Let's go, man.
Cut.
- Ready?
- Yeah, you?
Yeah.
Last time.
I'm gonna get a sandwich.
Oh, hit cut.
Hey, Nick, remember that thing
I was telling you about?
You know, like, back in '84?
Uh... No.
- Weren't you a baby?
- There it is.
I don't know man.
I still want to be a p.I.
You know, I got a kid now.
So, what,
you want to buy a taco truck?
Who's gonna run it?
I can cook, man.
Okay. I can't.
Can you ride a skateboard?