Untitled Home Invasion Romance (2025) Movie Script
1
Suzie.
I knew from the very
first night I met you,
somehow only
three months ago...
...that the two of us
would be standing
up here today.
Kevin, if someone
told me I was gonna marry
the guy who wore sweatpants
to our first real date...
...I'd have told them
to get their head checked.
It's been a whirlwind,
and yet I feel like
I've known you my whole life.
Every day I learn
something new about you,
and every day I fall in love
with you all over again.
I love the way
you tease me,
I love your little smirk
that tells me
you're up to something.
I love the way
you make me laugh.
How you truly get me.
I promise to always be
your greatest ally,
your protector,
your knight in shining armor.
My goofball,
my utterly shameless
karaoke partner.
I promise to love you...
To support
and respect you.
In the happy times,
and the not so happy ones.
To be faithful, patient,
and yes, forgiving.
And to always,
always fight for us.
Stay away from my wife.
You don't know what
I'm capable of.
Kevin!
Shit! Just a minute!
Did you not get my text?
I'm double-parked.
Oh, sorry,
just two seconds.
All right, I'll wait downstairs.
Oh, hey, uh,
do you mind if I drive?
Kevin, I'm stressed as it is.
You don't want to spoil
the surprise, do you?
Thanks for agreeing
to spend the weekend with me.
Of course.
You know, I've really been
working on myself.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
I made a lot of...
a lot of changes, good ones.
That's great, Kev.
You know I never asked you
to change, right?
After you left, you know,
I took a long,
hard look at myself,
and, uh... don't know,
I think you're gonna be in
for a surprise this weekend.
You may not even recognize
your own husband.
After two months?
Yeah, that would be quite
the surprise, Kev.
Can you look
at the road, please?
Sorry. Yeah.
Yeah, you know,
I've really been using our break
to get healthier.
Hmm.
Yeah, I've been going out
on a lot more auditions,
which is nice,
exercising.
Kev, I appreciate what
you're trying to do. I--
My point is, Suzie,
that I think this break
has actually been
really good for us.
And now that it's over,
I think this getaway
is exactly what we need.
You know,
like a second honeymoon.
Just you and me,
and a nice, romantic weekend.
Kevin!
Hey, uh, mind if I
pull over up here?
Need to use the bathroom.
Hey, there's a line!
And there's a fellow
in there already!
We'll just be two minutes.
Ernie?
Oh. Hey, bud.
How's it going?
What the fuck?
What's the emergency?
You tell me. I mean,
you barged in here, so...
You said code yellow.
Oh, right, 'cause
I had to stop to pee,
but it's way more
of a code brown.
Code yellow means emergency.
Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't guest star
on Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Tyler.
Oh, that doesn't work.
God, it reeks in here.
No need
to be rude, but okay.
Hey, while I have you,
I would love to run
some dialogue tweaks by you.
The script is fine
the way it is.
Kevin, how long have we been
in acting class together, bro?
You know I have an ear
for that type of stuff.
Brother, if this scene
is not 100% authentic,
she's gonna see
right through you.
You're not listening
to me, are you?
Fucking miss her, man.
This plan has to work.
I need to show her
that I can step up, you know?
I know, and that's why
we gotta get this right, right?
I know.
We do this right,
she's gonna be so impressed.
Oh, yeah,
so impressed she'll run
straight into your arms
and then boom, brother!
Boom.
You're a motherfucking hero!
What's up? Come on!
All right, see you tonight.
Ten o'clock, do not be late.
We're gonna save
your fucking marriage, dude.
Almost there. Suzie!
Suzie! Hey! You awake?
Yep, I am now.
How far are we from the resort?
Who said anything
about a resort?
Please don't tell me
we're camping.
No. We are not.
Just want to see how long
it takes you to guess.
No, you didn't.
I did.
It's all ours
for the weekend.
Your dad said
he hasn't used it in years.
You spoke to my dad?
Well, uh, his secretary.
He's in Bangkok.
Or Boise. Something.
Uh, but Jenny said that you guys
used to come here every summer.
Kevin, you... Wha--
Why didn't you ask me?
Because I was being romantic.
What's the matter, honey?
I thought this
would make you happy.
Yeah, it's... it's fine.
I'll take it.
Shit.
The pink champagne
you ordered, madam.
Thanks.
You look very familiar.
You remind me
of a dear girl I met once
at an Irish pub
on West 14th Street,
what was it, uh,
two years ago.
A couple of Wall Street
knuckleheads were hassling her.
So what did I do?
Hmm. Your accent changed.
No, it--
Yes, it did.
It did?
Oh, yeah.
- Deal with it.
- So what did I do?
Marched right over there,
and I rescued her
from those goons
like a proper white knight.
And then I did what I do best.
I made her laugh.
At one point, she looked me
straight in the eye.
She said, "Do you want
to get out of here?"
To which I responded,
"And go where?"
How about Aruba?
"How about Aruba?"
You weren't messing around.
You got us two round-trip
tickets before I could buy you
a second drink, and I knew
right then and there
that I would do anything
to make you happy.
Honey, I'm sorry I didn't talk
to you about the house.
Honestly, I thought it would
bring back good memories.
Let me make it up to you.
I'm going to cook us
a Michelin-star dinner.
Kev, just hang on.
I see how hard you're trying.
I do.
This isn't our second honeymoon.
This is our first night
after the separation.
Break.
I think we just need
to ease into it.
I have to figure out
if this is something
that still works for me.
Yep. Of course.
So what do you want to do?
What do you want to do?
Yahtzee?
Let's-Let's just get out
of this house, okay?
Let's go to a bar.
Wait, really?
Yeah, let's see
if we could just have
a good time together.
Well, I-I am having
a-a good time here.
You want another round?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
No effin' way.
Suzie Stone?
Heather.
Oh my God, am I dreaming?
'Cause I... I really never
thought that I'd see you again.
Oh my God, come here.
How long has it been?
I mean, let's not do
the math, okay?
How on earth do you look
so friggin' young?
We're supposed to be
the same age, aren't we?
Heather, you look
incredible.
Pfft. I don't. I don't.
Oh, this is
my coworker Murphy.
This is my husband.
Mr. Softie, right?
He's in the commercials.
You are Mr. Softie, aren't you?
I mean, that's one of the roles
I've played, but Kevin is fine.
Nice.
Mr. Softie.
Kevin. Uh, how--
Sorry, how do you two
know each other?
We...
Well, Heather,
come on.
Ho-ga. Bo-ga.
Wapanoga.
Best camp north of Saratoga!
Oh!
Heather and I went
to camp together
right across the lake.
We were best friends.
You were best friends
with everyone.
Oh, please, that's not true.
You were. I was just waiting
all year for the summer
because I knew
I'd get to see you.
But then one summer,
you didn't come back.
I was so heartbroken.
Um, you-you guys
work together?
What... what do you do?
Oh, yeah, we're,
um, actually--
We're just... we're with
the police department.
So crazy, but...
Why are you being weird?
She's the chief.
Um...
What?! Just like your dad.
That's incredible.
So, are you two married?
No, no,
we just work together.
What are you doing here?
I texted you. Relax.
There's no service.
I told you to wait in the car.
You can't expect me to wait
in the car for four hours, dude.
I told you I did legs today.
That's just physically unsafe.
I'm not gonna risk it.
Hey, Kevin, right?
Uh, yeah.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm Murphy.
Come stai?
Io... Italian.
Yeah, he's a--
he's a tourist.
C'est mozzarella.
Bathroom? Are you looking
for the bathroom?
Oh, I think it's just...
But look, I-I hate
to be that guy,
but do you think
I could maybe get a photo?
My buddies are
never gonna believe this.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
- Io? S, si, s.
- Yeah, could you?
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
We friggin' love
your commercials, man.
Mr. Softie's the shit.
Thanks, man.
Una, due...
Oh, could you make the face?
Come on. Nice.
Yeah.
Eh... Amilo.
S.
Heck yeah, dude.
Thank you so much, man.
Yeah.
Um, bathroom.
Bellissimo.
Yeah, bathroom.
Oh, grazie.
How good was I?
Follow me.
Dude, no one was supposed
to see us together.
That was a cop.
Take a breath.
You heard me
in there, dude.
That dude totally thought
I was italiano.
Italiano. Why didn't you
just speak Spanish?
Because I was acting, Kevin.
Oh, shit, I thought you quit.
I did, except for emergencies.
This is an emergency.
Oh, shit. Playing the hero.
This is a stupid idea.
Staging a break-in?
What the fuck are we thinking?
So funny,
you're kind of like
exactly how I imagined
you'd be.
Oh, God, Heather,
what does that mean?
No, I just mean, like you
were always so driven
and, I don't know,
like a Barbie.
Of course, you have
this friggin' perfect life.
Perfect?
What? You're a huge deal.
You are. You have the big
nonprofit in the city.
You have cool actor husband.
People just dream of having
a life like yours.
Sorry.
Blabbing. Blabber Blabberson
over here.
No.
Yes.
Let's talk about something else.
Heather...
Remember how we used to tell
each other everything?
I miss that so much.
Me too.
You do?
Yes!
Okay.
Okay, so your life's
not perfect.
Got it.
What's going on?
I mean...
I just don't remember
the last time anything I said
or did actually mattered.
And I-I know
this sounds lame,
I just feel like
my... my whole life
is-is babyproof.
It... It's perfect,
just like you said.
There's just something
missing, you know.
Suzie is perfect.
Okay, she's nice, super rich,
super fucking hot. Like,
oh my God, honestly. What the...
All I'm saying is
she could've picked anybody,
but she picked you.
And all you gotta do, buddy,
is remind her why.
Yeah.
Oh, is that a question?
Uh...
I don't-I don't know, man.
I don't know why she chose me.
'Cause you are
a fucking beast, huh?
You are a seriously
underrated actor.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean it.
Most importantly, you are
a protector, right?
Well, what about
Kevin? He seems nice.
Yeah.
So he's gotta be on your side.
Yeah, Kevin's nice.
Right?
He's a goofball.
I love him for that.
I just...
I thought maybe he was
the missing piece,
but... I don't know.
Lately, I just feel like...
I don't know. We live...
we live in two different worlds.
Now I'm blabbing.
No, I'm-I'm... This is good.
Please, go on.
Like, I... I tried to tell him.
I tried to tell him what
I've been going through.
I tried to tell him I'm unhappy,
and he, like, freaked out.
And he made it all
about himself,
like I was trying to tell him
something was wrong with him.
What were you trying
to tell him?
That there's something
wrong with me.
Two hours from now,
I'm gonna break into your house,
and you better fucking stop me.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go.
You know my bro, Victor,
he jacks cars for a living,
so you could kind of say this
is, like, in my blood, right?
Oh, shit. I forgot.
What is this?
Wait for it. Wait.
Huh?
Holy shit.
Yeah, how cool is this?
I borrowed it from Victor.
He has like a whole collection.
I was gonna surprise you
with it later, but...
Give me your money!
Give me your money, man!
Come on!
Come on, let's practice.
Come on.
You're not getting through
this door, you hear me?
That was good! More, more, more!
Yeah. You stay away
from me and my wife,
you son of a bitch!
Oh, yeah.
How about I break
this motherfucker down?
Kevin, save me.
Please, Kevin.
Shut up,
you Barbie bitch!
The Barbie takes away
from the aggression.
Trust me. I'm gonna
take your jewels,
I'm gonna sell them
on the black market.
I--
Hi.
How do you do?
What do you think?
Time to head home, babe?
Hey, crazy idea,
but either of you ever ride
in a police cruiser before?
Why is he driving so slow?
You've trained as an actor,
and I've trained as an actor.
I did Meisner training, and--
Hey, flip that switch.
I was doing
some theater, and then--
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God, yes!
Whoo!
License and registration!
On your left!
Did you...
This was fun.
Yeah, it really was.
So fun.
So fun.
And I missed this,
you know.
Night, Chief.
Good night, Suzie.
Oh!
Bye.
Bye.
Honey.
Honey?
Honey, I got this.
Honey, I got this.
I got this.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit. Shit.
Oh my God.
She's gonna kill me.
Ernie!
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Ernie!
Ernie! Fuck!
Ernie!
Acting...
is reacting.
You got this.
Um...
Break down this door,
you Barbie bitch! Bitch!
Round the rugged rock the ragged
rascal ran. Fuck yeah!
Showtime.
Come on.
Okay.
Ernie.
Fuck!
Fuck yeah. Okay.
Ah, shit.
Action!
Hello?
Okay...
Give me your money!
I'm robbing your ass!
- I said I'm robbing your ass.
- "Your ass"?
Uh...
How about I break
this motherfucker down?
All right, I'm coming for you!
Unless there's a hero in there
who's gonna try to stop me
or something?
Or anybody?
I'm gonna take
your fancy jewels,
and I'm gonna sell them
on the black market.
Barbie bitch!
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Suzie?
Suzie, hello?
Hey, Suzie. Everything okay?
Oh my...
Jesus Christ.
What-What happened?
What happened?
Suzie?
He broke in.
He attacked me.
He-He said that
he wanted my jewels,
but he was coming for me.
I had to protect myself.
Is-Is he, uh...
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh my God.
Kev, it's o--
Kev, look. Kev.
He didn't hurt me.
I'm fine. Look.
No, I, I...
I know, I'm just, I'm...
I'm just so relieved,
you know?
Do you have any idea
who this guy could be?
Why? Why would you
ask me that? No.
Well, how can you be sure?
I've never met this man
before in my life.
Kevin, he's wearing a mask.
Uh, nope.
Okay.
All right, let's go
to the police.
Hold on. Hang on.
Kevin, there's no service.
Phones are out, power's out.
Okay. Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
Don't you think we should just
think about this for one second?
Okay?
Okay, think about...
think about what?
I mean, I mean,
I mean, look at...
look at you, look at this.
Doesn't this look bad?
I mean, maybe it
was just like a...
a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding?
Yeah, I mean,
maybe he was just--
How is this
a misunderstanding?
Kevin, this is a stranger
in our house.
He broke into our house,
he's wearing a terrifying mask,
he attacked me.
We're going to the police.
We're going to the police.
Okay, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Just...
I... Yeah, I know. It...
Before we go, why don't you
just wash up a little, you know?
I mean, it just looks...
I mean, your face...
Okay, yeah.
Oh... shit.
Oh, God.
Oh, Ernie! Oh, shit, shit! Shit!
Ernie! Fuck!
Fuck! I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Ernie. Oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God.
Okay. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna make this up to you.
I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna tell them everything.
Fuck. Oh my God.
Shit.
Kevin!
Shit.
Where's the car?
I'm sorry, okay?
I got distracted.
We'll talk about it later.
Okay.
Oh.
Quick, Kev, flag it down!
Hey.
Hey!
Hello? Hello!
Help! Help!
Hi, hi, right here.
Hi.
Hi!
Really?
Jeez.
I'm sorry.
Uh...
Hi.
Sorry to put you
through all this.
Do you mind just confirming
your name for the report?
Kevin.
Just Kevin?
Sorry, should I take that
again from the top?
Doesn't really work like that.
Starting positions, please.
And can you give me
a little bit of background?
What brought you up here
to Wapanoga?
Just a nice, romantic
weekend together.
Hmm.
What, did Suzie say
something different?
Well...
She mentioned something
about a trial separation.
It was a break.
And it's over now.
I'm not super comfortable
in the house.
You know, I haven't been back
in 20 years,
so I was very eager to get out
for a few hours.
Luckily, I ran into you.
And, um, can you tell me
a little bit
about the flower pot?
Heather, the guy knew
exactly where to look.
He showed up,
he took the key
from the flower pot,
and he just walked
right in the door.
Flower pot?
It's red terracotta,
about this size.
I don't even...
I don't even know what flower pot you're...
No, I-I, uh,
I have the key right here.
He was banging on the door.
Like banging, banging,
banging, banging.
And I'm-I'm, like,
pushing back against it,
and I'm-I'm-I'm pushing
with everything I have.
Like, I'm-I'm fighting
for my life, Heather.
And were you involved
in the altercation in any way?
No, sure-sure wasn't.
What's all that blood on you?
And then
when it was done,
I just couldn't...
I couldn't believe I was
the one still standing.
I don't know how many times
I have to say this,
I've never met that man
before in my entire life.
Kevin was talking
with the victim at the bar.
He was speaking Italian
or something.
Said he was looking
for the bathroom.
Can I change one
of my answers?
Hmm.
Who was in here?
Was it you, Kevin?
Hey, Chief?
It looks like our intruder
came from the woods.
I'm thinking there's gonna be
a car or a boat nearby.
Smart.
I'll be down in a sec.
Rest in peace, buddy.
Who are you talking to?
Huh? Oh, just... uh, you know.
How are you holding up?
So he really
attacked you, huh?
Just...
Did he have a weapon, or no?
What are you asking me?
No, I'm just-I'm just trying
to be there for you, honey.
You know, understand what you...
what you went through,
or thought.
Honestly, it was
the weirdest thing.
One minute, I truly believed
that I was gonna die.
Then I'm, like,
standing over him.
And he's covered in blood.
I'm a killer.
I killed him.
No, honey, don't,
don't say that. It's--
Well, it's true, Kevin.
Honey, it's-- No.
It's-It's complicated.
I mean, you were--
you were protecting yourself,
and...
you had no choice.
I mean, you're not a killer.
You killed one guy.
Just, you know,
don't make a habit of it.
Excuse me, Miss Stone?
I don't know if you remember me,
Jeff, from camp.
I was a year behind you.
Um...
Anyways, I just wanted
to say, what you did,
defending yourself like that,
you're a hero.
Everyone's saying so.
We don't all get
tested like that.
You've shown you're
a real protector.
Your husband's a lucky man.
Sorry, did you need
something or...
Uh... Yeah,
Chief would like to have a word.
Hey, catch!
Dummy.
...but we might have
more questions.
Would you mind
sticking around, Kevin?
Kevin!
Uh... I'm sorry, what?
We're, uh, we're just discussing
the logistics
of you staying
through the weekend.
The maid can't come
till Monday.
We'll just avoid
that hallway,
and there's plenty
of other bathrooms.
Wait, hang on. You, uh,
you want to stay here?
I thought we were leaving.
Well, the police are done
with their work in the house,
and Heather was saying
it might be helpful
for us to stick around in case
they have more questions.
Aren't we in some kind
of danger?
A man just tried
to kill my wife.
I mean, I-I'm-- we're happy
to get you, what,
like a motel downtown?
Yeah.
If that would help you
settle in, feel more safe.
If you don't want
to stay here with me,
we can get a car
to take you back.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm, uh...
You're right.
I agree, yeah, we should stay.
We should stay. Uh...
Hey, just out of curiosity,
what are the odds of you folks
figuring out
who this attacker, uh, was?
I mean, we're fairly confident
that he's from out
of town, right?
So once we locate
the vehicle,
I'd say our odds
are pretty damn good.
- I don't trust him.
- Of course you don't.
He lied, Murph.
You saw him with the attacker last night at the bar.
He corrected himself.
Yeah, only after he knew
he was caught.
If Kevin only met the guy
last night, why lie?
He was scared.
Thought it might make us
suspicious, which it did.
Doesn't mean he tried
to have his wife killed.
So the house key?
Suzie said she saw
the guy pull the key
out of the flowerpot,
let himself in.
You think Kevin
planted the key?
Yeah. How'd he know
where to look?
Oh, what if it's a sex thing?
No?
Okay, so, Murph,
what's your theory?
Well,
it's not so much
a theory per se.
I just am having a hard time
seeing Mr. Softie
as the kind of guy
who's dealing
with professional criminals.
The man's a cream puff.
He married way out
of his league, and he knows it.
And as far as I can tell,
he truly loves his wife.
I'd guess Mr. Softie
pissed off some thug at a bar.
The guy followed him home
and broke in.
Hell, I wouldn't be shocked
if Kevin was home
the whole time it went down,
just hiding under the bed.
Right, Murph. Yeah.
That's not a theory per se.
Well, we're not
gonna know anything
until we ID the attacker.
So let's just keep on
the grid search in the woods,
and I will start checking
with local businesses.
Thank you, boys.
It's just me
and this bear.
Thirty yards away, it charges.
Six hundred pounds
of raw, brute force
coming straight the fuck at me.
Twenty yards.
Well, you were always
a great shot, Stu.
I'm okay.
No four-time Ivy League
archery champ.
Shut up.
Were you scared?
No time.
I'm pure instinct.
Ten yards, five.
I fire. Wham!
Damn thing hits the ground
right at my feet.
I'll never forget that rush.
It's incredible.
The greatest feeling
in the world
is fighting for your life
and winning.
And your dad
would never admit it,
but he was impressed.
Her dad?
Kevin, how was your walk?
Yup. Old Stone and I
just wrapped up
our annual hunting trip.
Oh, you... you guys
went hunting?
I thought he was in, like,
Budapest, or...
Stu, you've met Kevin, right?
Mr. Movie Star.
How's it goin'?
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Stu.
Kevin, it's Stu.
I told you about Stu.
We went to high school
together.
And Yale.
He's a defense attorney.
I thought it'd be good
to bring in some outside help.
Don't piss yourself, Kev.
I'm not sending a bill.
I'd do anything for Suze,
starting with getting that
old Mercedes of yours fixed up.
Also, the power's back on.
I put in a call.
And listen,
the last thing I want is for you
to feel uncomfortable
about me being here, okay?
Why would I be
uncomfortable?
That's a great attitude.
I'm glad we can all be adults.
Right now, we need to focus
on what's best for Suze.
So I called some reporters,
and I think I better go
make a statement.
Statement? Hold-Hold on. Um...
Don't you think we should
discuss this first?
Kevin, Stu does this
for a living.
Kevin, listen to your wife.
You two hang back.
I've got this handled.
I'm gonna come with you.
Suze, seriously,
it's not necessary.
No, I'm-I'm coming.
That's our girl.
Full of surprises.
Suze.
Sue Bear! Wait up!
Sue Bear?
Good evening, folks.
Nobody goes on vacation
and plans on having
to fight for their life.
But that's exactly what happened
to my client, Suzie Stone.
All she wanted was a relaxing
and peaceful getaway
in the country.
At approximately 11:45
last night,
as she was getting
ready for bed,
Suzie was the victim
of a terrible assault.
No. That-That's...
That's not true.
I mean, I'm-I'm...
I'm not a victim.
Yes, somebody broke
into my house
and tried to hurt me.
Barbie bitch!
But...
I'm the one still standing,
aren't I?
That's right.
Suzie is not a victim.
She's... a survivor.
All right, folks, uh,
we're gonna ask
for some privacy
at this time.
It's been a harrowing
24 hours for my fiance.
We'd just like to...
to get...
Excuse me. Uh...
My client.
Like I said,
a harrowing 24 hours.
Thank you. That'll be all.
Oh, boy. New headline.
"Lawyer puts his fucking foot
in his mouth."
- Fiance?
- Kevin, I wasn't--
You were gonna marry him?
Yes, Kevin.
That's what fiance means.
I wasn't keeping it from you.
It just never came up.
What was I supposed to ask?
Oh, by the way,
were you ever engaged
to some asshat esquire?
Stu is ancient history.
Clearly, he doesn't think so.
He's still calling you fiance.
Kevin, you are
my husband, not Stu.
He and I didn't work,
it was never gonna work,
and it took me a while
to figure that out.
Once I did, I called off
the engagement.
All right?
I broke his heart.
You broke it off?
Yes.
And it really wasn't easy
'cause I had to explain it
to our entire family,
and I had to cancel a very
expensive venue and caterer,
and our fucking honeymoon.
Where was your honeymoon?
We didn't have one.
I know, but where was it...
where was it gonna be?
That's... that's not the point.
So then why don't you
just tell me?
Please don't do this, Kevin.
Was it Aruba?
Jesus Christ!
Kevin, it was such
a long time ago.
Not that long.
You're really focusing
on the wrong thing here.
That's why you had
those tickets.
Love at first sight?
It was-- It-- Bullshit!
That's not true.
And you lied to me about it.
I didn't lie to you.
Kevin, please.
You and I had such
an incredible time in Aruba.
If I said anything to you,
it would have completely
destroyed the whole memory.
Kevin.
Honey?
I'm so sorry.
I should have said
something to you.
I should've. I should've said
something to you.
You've always been
so completely honest with me.
Why did you bring him here?
Because I was scared!
I was freaked out.
He's the best...
he's the best defense attorney
in the state, okay?
Honestly, babe,
I don't even care.
You just say the word,
I'll tell him to leave.
I don't care. Okay, honey?
Just tell me.
I'm sorry.
Shoot.
This needs to be dry-cleaned.
L3 for Scout.
Uh, this is Scout.
Go ahead, Murph.
Took a report
from a couple who just came in,
said they overheard
two men arguing
behind the bar last night.
Okay. On my way.
Suzie?
Suzie.
Just getting my charger.
Honey, it's probably
not a good idea
to hang out in this part
of the house, don't you think?
Yeah.
Let's go downstairs.
Make sure Stu isn't
burning down the kitchen.
Sue Bear!
I sauted some broccolini
exactly how you like it.
Are you guys
smelling this?
Not very hungry.
What do you say we get
out of here for a bit?
Just the two of us.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that too.
Do you like venison pt?
A couple's weekend getaway
turned into a nightmare
when a New York City woman,
Suzie Stone,
found herself
in a life-or-death struggle
with a violent home invader.
WXDV reports.
I mean, I'm-I'm...
I'm not a victim.
Yes, somebody broke
into my house
and tried to hurt me, but...
I'm the one still standing,
aren't I?
Lying bitch!
Excuse me?
I can't believe
she'd show her face here.
That woman destroyed
my family,
and nobody fucking cares.
What is it that you think
that she did?
You must remember him,
don't you?
My nephew, Gregory Doyle.
Archives said you
signed it out when you retired,
right before I started.
Hey, you hungry?
Uh, there's a chicken
in the fridge, I think.
Dad, you signed out
a case file,
and you never returned it.
You can't do that.
Okay, okay. I'll, uh,
I'll pay the library fine.
This is not a joke.
Do you still have it?
Is that the only one
you took?
Yes.
Why?
Why Greg Doyle?
When you first told me
you were thinking about
joining the force, I figured
this might come up,
and... I decided
it was probably best
if you didn't know.
Know what, Dad?
That your friend Suzie
killed him.
What?
What happened?
Simple answer?
Self-defense.
That Doyle kid was
a real piece of work.
Gave his own grandmother
two black eyes.
Goddamn bully.
You ought to remember.
He made your life hell.
Yeah.
I remember.
So what happened to him?
That morning,
he biked over to that big,
piss-ugly mansion of theirs,
chased your friend Suzie
off into the woods.
He beat the daylights
out of her.
And she...
she killed him.
So he didn't move away.
How come I didn't know
about this?
She was a minor.
We couldn't release
her name,
and her family, they had
the Doyles tied up in NDAs
so damn quickly.
Oh my God.
Paid 'em off with one of those
undisclosed settlements.
And that's why she left camp.
Yeah, they whisked her off
back to the city.
That was that.
She didn't even say goodbye.
She tried, kiddo.
She...
wrote you a couple
of letters.
I threw them out.
Why would you do that?
You said the simple answer
is self-defense, right?
What's the complicated one?
I was first
on the scene that day.
Neighbor called it in,
said they heard some screaming
coming from the woods.
Thought it was probably
an injured animal,
needed being put down.
Nobody seemed to be home,
so I went around the back,
and...
that's when I saw her.
I found some Polaroids
back there too,
but...
...it didn't matter.
The DA had made up his mind.
What was on them?
Left cabinet,
top shelf, on the box.
What the hell are these?
Suzie told me
she invited him over for a swim.
I found that odd as hell,
him being the bully that he was.
Well, Greg had a crush on her.
I figured she waited
for him to get changed,
then when he was undressed,
she busted in with the camera.
Everybody's gonna see you naked.
Give me that.
Let go!
So you think she got him
to attack her on purpose?
I'll put it this way,
when he did,
she was ready.
I'll fucking kill you!
Greg. Don't.
You know, the thing
that sticks in my brain
from all those years ago
was the look on her face
when she was coming
down that dock,
you know, before
everybody else showed up,
and she thought
she was still alone.
She was smiling.
I don't know what I expected
coming here.
Hey... ...kiddo.
You asked me.
Don't get sore 'cause
you don't like the answer.
It's not the answer.
It's your drunken bullshit.
It's not the Suzie I know.
I'm 1,500 strokes in
and my arms are burning
like a devil's jock itch
when I hear
this god-awful scrape.
Must have bottomed out
on that roof there.
You folks are buying me
a new kayak.
Uh, okay.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And not one of those
cheap knockoffs.
Barely any oxidation.
Car hasn't been
in the water long.
Oh God.
Got a name.
Ernest Guerra.
You think it's our guy?
Yeah.
I think so.
Okay, so...
what do we do now?
Time to call the family.
Honey, what is it?
He's back.
Hi. We've met before.
I'm Mr. Softie,
and if I'm keeping you down
in the bedroom,
you're not alone.
52% of adult men
have encountered me
at least once.
You don't mind if I pee
in here, do you?
Wowee! That's a GILF
if I've ever seen one,
huh?
If you enjoy regular visits
from me,
definitely do not ask
your doctor
if Stiflocin
is right for you.
Ask your doctor if your heart
is healthy enough for sex.
Side effects include
headache, flushing,
upset stomach,
and abnormal vision.
Thanks to Stiflocin,
performing in bed
isn't hard anymore.
But I am.
No!
Oh, have you seen the one
in the weight room?
It's friggin' gold!
Play it, play it.
Victim's brothers
are here, Murph.
Ooh, awesome.
I want to talk to the bald one.
You look at the rap sheet
on that guy?
Let's hold the judgment.
They just lost their brother.
Look, all I'm saying is
somebody pushed Ernie's car
into the lake,
and I think we're
about to meet him.
Is somebody manning
the phones?
Yeah, can we just
at least pretend
this is a real police station?
Thanks.
Sorry, man, I forgot
to run to the store today.
I only have the big bags.
What's up?
I said we only have
the big bags
for your sandwiches.
Is that okay?
...New York City
woman, Suzie Stone...
Yeah, that's-that's fine.
Thanks.
...life-or-death struggle
with a violent home invader.
I'm the one still
standing, aren't I?
Suzie is not a victim.
She's... a survivor.
Police have identified
the suspected home invader,
a struggling actor,
Ernest Guerra.
I'm telling you, man,
that's him.
That's the dude,
bathroom fucker.
Say it again, mother bitch!
Yo, let him breathe.
He can't talk.
You think I give a fuck?
I'll waste this guy right now.
What the hell, bro?
We're in public.
There could be cops
and shit!
Fuck the cops.
They don't respect you.
They don't respect our brother.
Everybody only respects
one thing.
I-I saw him in the bathroom.
Who? Ernie?
I don't know, the home invader.
When?
Two days ago.
And then the couple
from the TV showed up.
The husband snuck in with him,
and the wife stayed outside.
The fuck you saying?
I mean, it's not
totally unexpected.
Look, I don't know
what happened with your...
your brother and this couple.
I'm pretty sure the wife
didn't know what was going on,
but if she found out,
jealousy, man.
That's-That's a hell of a drug.
Oh, hi.
Relax, jumpy.
What's the matter?
Nothing. What's the matter
with you?
Nothing.
Okay.
Okay, I got this.
You go in and make sure Stu
doesn't jack any of our stuff.
Okay.
Fuck yes.
Old Stone, you've been
holding out on me.
Where'd you find that?
That's not yours.
- In the bear's mouth.
- That's not yours.
- It is now.
- Give me that!
It's in my hand, isn't it?
Why are you so scared?
Give me that!
Is it yours?
Of course not.
Stop! What are you doing?
Oh, Suze, you know
whose phone this is?
It had a reminder
for acting class, of all things.
Great. We'll let
Mr. Stone know.
He, you know, he probably
left it behind, so...
Hon, you ready?
Why don't we, uh,
why don't we hit
the road, okay?
Hey, that doesn't belong to you!
Let's see here.
We've got an, oh,
an actor's ID card.
What? Whose is that?
Why don't you ask your husband?
How would I know?
In fact, why don't you ask him
how all of Ernie Guerra's stuff
got into that bear's mouth?
Okay, hang on, hang on.
This is, uh, this is evidence,
okay?
And we probably shouldn't
be messing around with...
Hey!
Oh, shit.
Ah! Get off of me!
What are you hiding?
Just, you're...
You're compromising evidence.
Would you-- Suzie,
would you help me, please?
Suzie? Stop.
Hey, Suzie, help me.
Would you, please?
Yeah. Hey!
What are you doing?
No! Suzie! Hey!
Kevin, why is your number
in this phone?
Oh, you are so fucked,
my guy.
Stop it. Hang on.
It's not what you think.
It's not what you think.
You were texting with him?
Kevin, you...
you planned this attack?
No, it's not,
it's not an attack.
It's not an attack.
Kevin?
Shit. No! Please.
Okay, look, look.
You think you're
some big guy, huh?
Hiring some thug
to kill your wife?
What? Kill? No, no, no.
Not... not kill.
I swear. Plea-- Okay, please.
Yes, I knew him.
I knew him, but it's not...
it's not what you think.
You really did this?
No, I just-- Could you please
just give me a chance
to explain, please?
Okay, I was trying
to fix things.
I gotta leave.
I gotta leave, okay?
We'll talk about this at home.
Stu, you're coming with me.
We're not going anywhere, Suze.
Pursuant to article 140.30
of the New York CPL code,
I'll be placing you
under citizen's arrest.
Oh my God. Stu?
What?
Would you stop being
a fucking prick
for one second
and let's go, please.
This isn't over.
Fuck!
Who the fuck
are these clowns?
Suzie Stone?
I got some questions for you.
That's not how
this works, buddy.
This is private property.
Why'd you kill my brother?
Hey, Geek Squad, get
the fuck outta here!
Answer me! Hey!
Want me to slap you with
a restraining order next?
We just want to talk.
Give me the gun.
I said we just want to talk!
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
I gotta make this right.
I gotta make this right.
I gotta make this right.
Trust me, guys, okay?
A guilty conscience,
it's a fucking toxic cage.
Just tell us the truth.
Do not say a word, Suze.
Hey.
We already know
what you did, okay?
So if you wanna make it off
this boat, you're gonna look
right in this camera
and confess your crimes.
Confess?
Are you joking?
Stu, stop it.
You want to talk
about crimes?
Okay, how's kidnapping,
battery,
assault with a deadly weapon,
possession of an illegal
firearm probably.
And your dumb ass
is filming the whole thing.
Stop talking.
Let me handle this, Suze.
No more games.
Confess or I'll put
a hole in your head.
Pull the trigger,
you coward!
I'm not aiming
at you, bro.
Oh.
Sorry, Suze.
Oh, shit.
What?
My phone just died.
Here, just pass me yours.
I left it in the car.
I told you my phone was at 6%.
Bring the charger,
that's all I asked.
Bring the charger, for what?
We're in a fucking boat.
I got the knot untied.
What?
I'll protect you.
Stu, don't!
I'm serious, don't.
I fucking got this!
Stu, stop.
What are you whispering about?
Stu!
Stu! Stu!
I didn't do anything,
it just went off!
You killed Stu!
Why do you keep
calling him that?!
Because that's his name!
I thought his name was Kevin!
Kevin's my husband!
Who the hell is this guy?!
He's Stu!
He's our fucking lawyer!
Where's your husband?!
Where's Kevin?!
Hi, uh, this, uh,
this is Kevin Stanwell.
Um, can I... can I please speak
with Chief, uh...
uh, Heather?
Uh... Well, it's...
it's really important.
Do you have, um, you have
any way that I can reach her?
Fuck! I told you, man.
Shut the fuck up
and grab his head.
I don't wanna grab
his head!
You're the one
who blew his brains out.
You're grabbing his head.
Fuck me! I'm gonna be sick!
Barbie bitch!
The greatest feeling
in the world...
...is fighting for your life...
...and winning.
Okay,
here we go. Ready?
Hey! What are you doing?
Sorry,
my service is bad.
What are you saying?
Can you hear me?
I'm-I'm guilty, okay?
I just... I want to confess.
Are you at the house?
Hello?
What?
Shit.
Where the fuck did she go?
We tied their hands, dumbass,
now they're both dead.
Fuck!
Fuck!
This is... this is your fault.
You shot the...
There she is!
Where?
Kill her!
What the hell?
Kevin!
Suzie? Hey!
Oh my God!
I thought you left.
I fuckin'... Oh my God.
Wait, what? Hold--
Are you okay?
You did this for me,
didn't you?
Why are you all...
What?
How did you know?
How did I--
How did you know?
How did I know what?
This house, Kevin,
it's exactly what I needed.
What, what?
This house!
What?
You know I had
some not so great memories
in this house, right?
All right,
there was this bully,
he was fucking awful,
he tormented Heather and me.
I had to kill him...
to protect myself.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Let's go.
What? Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine. My dad,
he put me through
a lot of therapy
and counseling
to help me reframe
the whole thing.
But all it ever did was
make me feel like a victim.
And I'm not a victim.
I won. I won.
And I felt on fucking fire, Kev.
I felt alive in a way
I haven't felt
in 20 fucking years.
Till the other night.
The... the other night?
What do you mean?
You mean with the attack?
That's thanks to you, honey.
Hold on, wait,
you like what happened?
I mean, I like the danger.
Wait, hold on.
Oh my God, hold on.
What is...
Is this like some sort
of kink or something?
Because, honey, I-I-I...
I never meant
for anyone to get hurt.
It was theater.
It was scripted.
I scripted it.
It was just
so I could save you
and you could see me
as a hero.
That's the stupidest fucking
thing I've ever heard.
I know, I know, I know.
I was just trying to fix things.
I thought maybe if I
could prove to you--
Kevin, stop it.
Please don't ruin this.
I'm fucking begging you.
Wait.
Hold on, where-where's Stu?
So your friend Ernie,
his brothers showed up
and they kidnapped us.
Stu's fucking dead.
Wha--
Are you-- Wait.
Hold on. Stu is dead?
Stu is dead?
They're here.
Who's here?
Who's fucking here?
What do you mean?
The-The brothers?
The brothers are here right now?
Yeah.
Okay. All right, let's go.
I'm not going anywhere.
What do you mean?
What the fuck, honey?
I'm staying here.
What do you mean?
We have to get out of here!
Let me handle it!
Suzie, we are in danger!
Suzie, they are going
to kill us.
They will if you
don't help me.
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, yeah.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I am going to prove to you
that I can protect us.
Kevin, you don't have
to prove a thing to me.
All this protector bullshit,
that's about you!
Okay, fine, fine.
Then for me, please,
just please let me do this.
Please.
Okay?
Go. Hide.
Honey, I've got this.
Please.
You stay away from my wife,
you son of a bitch!
"You're not getting through
this door, you hear me?"
"Untitled
Home Invasion Romance,
written by Kevin Stanwell."
Kick it harder!
I am!
Did you even check
it's locked?
Fuck this fucking door!
Fuck!
What are you doing?
Is that really
necessary, man?
I fucking like it, bro!
She saw us.
It helps me concentrate.
Dude, you look like you
want them to fuck you!
Just go...
check around back.
Grow up.
Thought you got this.
Jesus.
Murderer!
Come out and face me!
Kevin, shoot him!
Shoot him!
Oh my God!
Oh, God!
Let's go.
Shit, it's empty.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit. Shit.
Stop!
Hey, no! Victor!
Holy shit, honey, that was...
that was crazy.
Victor!
Hey, I know your brother
was set up.
Kevin called me to confess.
Shit.
Hey, we're gonna get
to the bottom of all this.
I'm gonna get you
to a hospital, okay?
Just, I need
to restrain you.
Can you cooperate with me?
Oh! Look out!
Shh!
Tell me where's
your other brother.
Oh!
Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
I didn't know what to do.
She's a cop.
I know that, Victor.
I fucking panicked.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Honey, we don't have
much time now.
What...?
All right? It's us or them.
Will you help me, please?
Oh my God. Fuck.
Give me your lighter.
What? I don't have a lighter.
Kevin.
What? I don't!
I know you still smoke.
Give me your lighter.
Are you sure
you can do this?
I mean, four-time
Ivy League archery champ.
Shit. What?
Okay.
Kevin, they're gonna
take Heather's gun.
We have to catch them
by surprise.
I'm gonna go up on the roof,
I need you outside.
Wait, I'll come with you.
Whatever you're doing,
I can do it with you.
Kevin, I need you outside.
Okay.
I need you to go down
to the dock house.
Yeah.
Okay, quietly.
When you're there,
count down from 60.
When you get to zero, I need you
to run out of the house
screaming, like,
really screaming, Kevin,
like you're scared
for your life.
I think I can manage that.
Good.
Okay.
Run straight up the path,
come back to the house.
Okay. Wait, hold on.
What happens then? I mean,
they're gonna come after me.
Let me worry about that.
Wait. Hold on, hold on.
So-So I'm the bait?
You're the lead.
I'm the lead. Okay.
Now, remember, not a peep
before zero, okay?
And, honey?
Okay. Yeah.
Break a leg.
Wait, hold on.
When do I start counting?
Now.
Now?
Oh. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight...
This isn't working, bro.
I gotta get to a hospital, man.
Fuck the hospital.
These people butchered
our brother.
They need to pay.
Forty-five,
forty-four,
forty-three...
Forty-two,
forty-one,
forty,
thirty-nine, thirty-eight,
thirty-seven...
You told me there's only
one thing everybody respects.
Let's go get
some fucking respect.
Twenty-nine,
twenty... Shit!
What the fuck was that?
They're in the dock house.
Oh, Suzie!
Suzie!
Suzie!
Ah, shit!
Oh my God!
Fucking help me, Victor!
Fucking help me!
Come on, please!
Fuck, you gotta get it outta me.
You gotta get it outta me!
Victor!
No! No! Victor!
Oh my God.
You're okay. You're okay.
Hey! Hey!
You're okay. Stay with me.
Victor! Victor!
Hey! Come on. Wake up.
Oh, no! No!
You bitch!
No, Suzie!
Now we're even.
Fucking psycho!
Suzie.
Oh my God.
Holy shit.
Heather.
Hey, it's me.
I'm so sorry about this,
Heather.
Your husband...
Bad.
Oh, no, no, no. No.
He's not.
Promise.
You know, I...
I never stopped thinking
about you, Heather.
I really thought that
you'd write back to me.
You never did.
You never even thanked me
for what I did for you.
With Greg.
I don't understand you.
I know, Heather.
I believe this is yours.
So what do we do now?
We were all alone.
We were terrified.
If Heather hadn't shown up,
I don't...
I don't know.
Thank you.
She just fought so hard,
you know?
After they...
they took her gun, and...
...all she had...
was that bow and arrow.
Um, do you have anything to add,
Mr. Soft-- Uh...
Sorry. Um, do you have anything
to add, Mr. Stanwell?
Uh...
Mr. Stanwell?
Nope. No.
- Nope.
- Well, we knew someone
pushed the car into the lake,
so... seems like
these two brothers
were working behind
the scenes the whole time.
Uh...
You two are either the luckiest
or unluckiest people
I've ever met.
Luckiest.
At least I am.
To have my husband
by my side this whole time...
He knows me
better than anyone,
like, the real me.
I know he'd do
anything for me.
You're my hero.
Suzie.
I knew from the very
first night I met you,
somehow only
three months ago...
...that the two of us
would be standing
up here today.
Kevin, if someone
told me I was gonna marry
the guy who wore sweatpants
to our first real date...
...I'd have told them
to get their head checked.
It's been a whirlwind,
and yet I feel like
I've known you my whole life.
Every day I learn
something new about you,
and every day I fall in love
with you all over again.
I love the way
you tease me,
I love your little smirk
that tells me
you're up to something.
I love the way
you make me laugh.
How you truly get me.
I promise to always be
your greatest ally,
your protector,
your knight in shining armor.
My goofball,
my utterly shameless
karaoke partner.
I promise to love you...
To support
and respect you.
In the happy times,
and the not so happy ones.
To be faithful, patient,
and yes, forgiving.
And to always,
always fight for us.
Stay away from my wife.
You don't know what
I'm capable of.
Kevin!
Shit! Just a minute!
Did you not get my text?
I'm double-parked.
Oh, sorry,
just two seconds.
All right, I'll wait downstairs.
Oh, hey, uh,
do you mind if I drive?
Kevin, I'm stressed as it is.
You don't want to spoil
the surprise, do you?
Thanks for agreeing
to spend the weekend with me.
Of course.
You know, I've really been
working on myself.
Oh yeah?
Yeah. Yeah.
I made a lot of...
a lot of changes, good ones.
That's great, Kev.
You know I never asked you
to change, right?
After you left, you know,
I took a long,
hard look at myself,
and, uh... don't know,
I think you're gonna be in
for a surprise this weekend.
You may not even recognize
your own husband.
After two months?
Yeah, that would be quite
the surprise, Kev.
Can you look
at the road, please?
Sorry. Yeah.
Yeah, you know,
I've really been using our break
to get healthier.
Hmm.
Yeah, I've been going out
on a lot more auditions,
which is nice,
exercising.
Kev, I appreciate what
you're trying to do. I--
My point is, Suzie,
that I think this break
has actually been
really good for us.
And now that it's over,
I think this getaway
is exactly what we need.
You know,
like a second honeymoon.
Just you and me,
and a nice, romantic weekend.
Kevin!
Hey, uh, mind if I
pull over up here?
Need to use the bathroom.
Hey, there's a line!
And there's a fellow
in there already!
We'll just be two minutes.
Ernie?
Oh. Hey, bud.
How's it going?
What the fuck?
What's the emergency?
You tell me. I mean,
you barged in here, so...
You said code yellow.
Oh, right, 'cause
I had to stop to pee,
but it's way more
of a code brown.
Code yellow means emergency.
Oh, I'm sorry
I didn't guest star
on Grey's Anatomy, Dr. Tyler.
Oh, that doesn't work.
God, it reeks in here.
No need
to be rude, but okay.
Hey, while I have you,
I would love to run
some dialogue tweaks by you.
The script is fine
the way it is.
Kevin, how long have we been
in acting class together, bro?
You know I have an ear
for that type of stuff.
Brother, if this scene
is not 100% authentic,
she's gonna see
right through you.
You're not listening
to me, are you?
Fucking miss her, man.
This plan has to work.
I need to show her
that I can step up, you know?
I know, and that's why
we gotta get this right, right?
I know.
We do this right,
she's gonna be so impressed.
Oh, yeah,
so impressed she'll run
straight into your arms
and then boom, brother!
Boom.
You're a motherfucking hero!
What's up? Come on!
All right, see you tonight.
Ten o'clock, do not be late.
We're gonna save
your fucking marriage, dude.
Almost there. Suzie!
Suzie! Hey! You awake?
Yep, I am now.
How far are we from the resort?
Who said anything
about a resort?
Please don't tell me
we're camping.
No. We are not.
Just want to see how long
it takes you to guess.
No, you didn't.
I did.
It's all ours
for the weekend.
Your dad said
he hasn't used it in years.
You spoke to my dad?
Well, uh, his secretary.
He's in Bangkok.
Or Boise. Something.
Uh, but Jenny said that you guys
used to come here every summer.
Kevin, you... Wha--
Why didn't you ask me?
Because I was being romantic.
What's the matter, honey?
I thought this
would make you happy.
Yeah, it's... it's fine.
I'll take it.
Shit.
The pink champagne
you ordered, madam.
Thanks.
You look very familiar.
You remind me
of a dear girl I met once
at an Irish pub
on West 14th Street,
what was it, uh,
two years ago.
A couple of Wall Street
knuckleheads were hassling her.
So what did I do?
Hmm. Your accent changed.
No, it--
Yes, it did.
It did?
Oh, yeah.
- Deal with it.
- So what did I do?
Marched right over there,
and I rescued her
from those goons
like a proper white knight.
And then I did what I do best.
I made her laugh.
At one point, she looked me
straight in the eye.
She said, "Do you want
to get out of here?"
To which I responded,
"And go where?"
How about Aruba?
"How about Aruba?"
You weren't messing around.
You got us two round-trip
tickets before I could buy you
a second drink, and I knew
right then and there
that I would do anything
to make you happy.
Honey, I'm sorry I didn't talk
to you about the house.
Honestly, I thought it would
bring back good memories.
Let me make it up to you.
I'm going to cook us
a Michelin-star dinner.
Kev, just hang on.
I see how hard you're trying.
I do.
This isn't our second honeymoon.
This is our first night
after the separation.
Break.
I think we just need
to ease into it.
I have to figure out
if this is something
that still works for me.
Yep. Of course.
So what do you want to do?
What do you want to do?
Yahtzee?
Let's-Let's just get out
of this house, okay?
Let's go to a bar.
Wait, really?
Yeah, let's see
if we could just have
a good time together.
Well, I-I am having
a-a good time here.
You want another round?
Uh, yeah, sure.
Jesus Christ.
Excuse me,
what's your Wi-Fi?
No effin' way.
Suzie Stone?
Heather.
Oh my God, am I dreaming?
'Cause I... I really never
thought that I'd see you again.
Oh my God, come here.
How long has it been?
I mean, let's not do
the math, okay?
How on earth do you look
so friggin' young?
We're supposed to be
the same age, aren't we?
Heather, you look
incredible.
Pfft. I don't. I don't.
Oh, this is
my coworker Murphy.
This is my husband.
Mr. Softie, right?
He's in the commercials.
You are Mr. Softie, aren't you?
I mean, that's one of the roles
I've played, but Kevin is fine.
Nice.
Mr. Softie.
Kevin. Uh, how--
Sorry, how do you two
know each other?
We...
Well, Heather,
come on.
Ho-ga. Bo-ga.
Wapanoga.
Best camp north of Saratoga!
Oh!
Heather and I went
to camp together
right across the lake.
We were best friends.
You were best friends
with everyone.
Oh, please, that's not true.
You were. I was just waiting
all year for the summer
because I knew
I'd get to see you.
But then one summer,
you didn't come back.
I was so heartbroken.
Um, you-you guys
work together?
What... what do you do?
Oh, yeah, we're,
um, actually--
We're just... we're with
the police department.
So crazy, but...
Why are you being weird?
She's the chief.
Um...
What?! Just like your dad.
That's incredible.
So, are you two married?
No, no,
we just work together.
What are you doing here?
I texted you. Relax.
There's no service.
I told you to wait in the car.
You can't expect me to wait
in the car for four hours, dude.
I told you I did legs today.
That's just physically unsafe.
I'm not gonna risk it.
Hey, Kevin, right?
Uh, yeah.
Sorry to interrupt.
I'm Murphy.
Come stai?
Io... Italian.
Yeah, he's a--
he's a tourist.
C'est mozzarella.
Bathroom? Are you looking
for the bathroom?
Oh, I think it's just...
But look, I-I hate
to be that guy,
but do you think
I could maybe get a photo?
My buddies are
never gonna believe this.
You know what I mean?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, sure, sure.
- Io? S, si, s.
- Yeah, could you?
Yeah, thank you, thank you.
We friggin' love
your commercials, man.
Mr. Softie's the shit.
Thanks, man.
Una, due...
Oh, could you make the face?
Come on. Nice.
Yeah.
Eh... Amilo.
S.
Heck yeah, dude.
Thank you so much, man.
Yeah.
Um, bathroom.
Bellissimo.
Yeah, bathroom.
Oh, grazie.
How good was I?
Follow me.
Dude, no one was supposed
to see us together.
That was a cop.
Take a breath.
You heard me
in there, dude.
That dude totally thought
I was italiano.
Italiano. Why didn't you
just speak Spanish?
Because I was acting, Kevin.
Oh, shit, I thought you quit.
I did, except for emergencies.
This is an emergency.
Oh, shit. Playing the hero.
This is a stupid idea.
Staging a break-in?
What the fuck are we thinking?
So funny,
you're kind of like
exactly how I imagined
you'd be.
Oh, God, Heather,
what does that mean?
No, I just mean, like you
were always so driven
and, I don't know,
like a Barbie.
Of course, you have
this friggin' perfect life.
Perfect?
What? You're a huge deal.
You are. You have the big
nonprofit in the city.
You have cool actor husband.
People just dream of having
a life like yours.
Sorry.
Blabbing. Blabber Blabberson
over here.
No.
Yes.
Let's talk about something else.
Heather...
Remember how we used to tell
each other everything?
I miss that so much.
Me too.
You do?
Yes!
Okay.
Okay, so your life's
not perfect.
Got it.
What's going on?
I mean...
I just don't remember
the last time anything I said
or did actually mattered.
And I-I know
this sounds lame,
I just feel like
my... my whole life
is-is babyproof.
It... It's perfect,
just like you said.
There's just something
missing, you know.
Suzie is perfect.
Okay, she's nice, super rich,
super fucking hot. Like,
oh my God, honestly. What the...
All I'm saying is
she could've picked anybody,
but she picked you.
And all you gotta do, buddy,
is remind her why.
Yeah.
Oh, is that a question?
Uh...
I don't-I don't know, man.
I don't know why she chose me.
'Cause you are
a fucking beast, huh?
You are a seriously
underrated actor.
Thank you.
Yeah, I mean it.
Most importantly, you are
a protector, right?
Well, what about
Kevin? He seems nice.
Yeah.
So he's gotta be on your side.
Yeah, Kevin's nice.
Right?
He's a goofball.
I love him for that.
I just...
I thought maybe he was
the missing piece,
but... I don't know.
Lately, I just feel like...
I don't know. We live...
we live in two different worlds.
Now I'm blabbing.
No, I'm-I'm... This is good.
Please, go on.
Like, I... I tried to tell him.
I tried to tell him what
I've been going through.
I tried to tell him I'm unhappy,
and he, like, freaked out.
And he made it all
about himself,
like I was trying to tell him
something was wrong with him.
What were you trying
to tell him?
That there's something
wrong with me.
Two hours from now,
I'm gonna break into your house,
and you better fucking stop me.
Yeah?
Yeah?
Yeah.
Yeah, there we go.
You know my bro, Victor,
he jacks cars for a living,
so you could kind of say this
is, like, in my blood, right?
Oh, shit. I forgot.
What is this?
Wait for it. Wait.
Huh?
Holy shit.
Yeah, how cool is this?
I borrowed it from Victor.
He has like a whole collection.
I was gonna surprise you
with it later, but...
Give me your money!
Give me your money, man!
Come on!
Come on, let's practice.
Come on.
You're not getting through
this door, you hear me?
That was good! More, more, more!
Yeah. You stay away
from me and my wife,
you son of a bitch!
Oh, yeah.
How about I break
this motherfucker down?
Kevin, save me.
Please, Kevin.
Shut up,
you Barbie bitch!
The Barbie takes away
from the aggression.
Trust me. I'm gonna
take your jewels,
I'm gonna sell them
on the black market.
I--
Hi.
How do you do?
What do you think?
Time to head home, babe?
Hey, crazy idea,
but either of you ever ride
in a police cruiser before?
Why is he driving so slow?
You've trained as an actor,
and I've trained as an actor.
I did Meisner training, and--
Hey, flip that switch.
I was doing
some theater, and then--
Are you kidding me?
Oh my God, yes!
Whoo!
License and registration!
On your left!
Did you...
This was fun.
Yeah, it really was.
So fun.
So fun.
And I missed this,
you know.
Night, Chief.
Good night, Suzie.
Oh!
Bye.
Bye.
Honey.
Honey?
Honey, I got this.
Honey, I got this.
I got this.
Oh, shit!
Oh, shit. Shit.
Oh my God.
She's gonna kill me.
Ernie!
Oh my God!
Oh my God! Ernie!
Ernie! Fuck!
Ernie!
Acting...
is reacting.
You got this.
Um...
Break down this door,
you Barbie bitch! Bitch!
Round the rugged rock the ragged
rascal ran. Fuck yeah!
Showtime.
Come on.
Okay.
Ernie.
Fuck!
Fuck yeah. Okay.
Ah, shit.
Action!
Hello?
Okay...
Give me your money!
I'm robbing your ass!
- I said I'm robbing your ass.
- "Your ass"?
Uh...
How about I break
this motherfucker down?
All right, I'm coming for you!
Unless there's a hero in there
who's gonna try to stop me
or something?
Or anybody?
I'm gonna take
your fancy jewels,
and I'm gonna sell them
on the black market.
Barbie bitch!
Oh, shit. Oh, fuck.
Suzie?
Suzie, hello?
Hey, Suzie. Everything okay?
Oh my...
Jesus Christ.
What-What happened?
What happened?
Suzie?
He broke in.
He attacked me.
He-He said that
he wanted my jewels,
but he was coming for me.
I had to protect myself.
Is-Is he, uh...
Oh, God.
Oh, God!
Oh my God.
Kev, it's o--
Kev, look. Kev.
He didn't hurt me.
I'm fine. Look.
No, I, I...
I know, I'm just, I'm...
I'm just so relieved,
you know?
Do you have any idea
who this guy could be?
Why? Why would you
ask me that? No.
Well, how can you be sure?
I've never met this man
before in my life.
Kevin, he's wearing a mask.
Uh, nope.
Okay.
All right, let's go
to the police.
Hold on. Hang on.
Kevin, there's no service.
Phones are out, power's out.
Okay. Hang on, hang on,
hang on, hang on.
Don't you think we should just
think about this for one second?
Okay?
Okay, think about...
think about what?
I mean, I mean,
I mean, look at...
look at you, look at this.
Doesn't this look bad?
I mean, maybe it
was just like a...
a misunderstanding.
A misunderstanding?
Yeah, I mean,
maybe he was just--
How is this
a misunderstanding?
Kevin, this is a stranger
in our house.
He broke into our house,
he's wearing a terrifying mask,
he attacked me.
We're going to the police.
We're going to the police.
Okay, hold on, hold on,
hold on, hold on.
Just...
I... Yeah, I know. It...
Before we go, why don't you
just wash up a little, you know?
I mean, it just looks...
I mean, your face...
Okay, yeah.
Oh... shit.
Oh, God.
Oh, Ernie! Oh, shit, shit! Shit!
Ernie! Fuck!
Fuck! I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry.
I'm so sorry, Ernie. Oh my God,
oh my God, oh my God.
Okay. I'm gonna...
I'm gonna make this up to you.
I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna come clean.
I'm gonna tell them everything.
Fuck. Oh my God.
Shit.
Kevin!
Shit.
Where's the car?
I'm sorry, okay?
I got distracted.
We'll talk about it later.
Okay.
Oh.
Quick, Kev, flag it down!
Hey.
Hey!
Hello? Hello!
Help! Help!
Hi, hi, right here.
Hi.
Hi!
Really?
Jeez.
I'm sorry.
Uh...
Hi.
Sorry to put you
through all this.
Do you mind just confirming
your name for the report?
Kevin.
Just Kevin?
Sorry, should I take that
again from the top?
Doesn't really work like that.
Starting positions, please.
And can you give me
a little bit of background?
What brought you up here
to Wapanoga?
Just a nice, romantic
weekend together.
Hmm.
What, did Suzie say
something different?
Well...
She mentioned something
about a trial separation.
It was a break.
And it's over now.
I'm not super comfortable
in the house.
You know, I haven't been back
in 20 years,
so I was very eager to get out
for a few hours.
Luckily, I ran into you.
And, um, can you tell me
a little bit
about the flower pot?
Heather, the guy knew
exactly where to look.
He showed up,
he took the key
from the flower pot,
and he just walked
right in the door.
Flower pot?
It's red terracotta,
about this size.
I don't even...
I don't even know what flower pot you're...
No, I-I, uh,
I have the key right here.
He was banging on the door.
Like banging, banging,
banging, banging.
And I'm-I'm, like,
pushing back against it,
and I'm-I'm-I'm pushing
with everything I have.
Like, I'm-I'm fighting
for my life, Heather.
And were you involved
in the altercation in any way?
No, sure-sure wasn't.
What's all that blood on you?
And then
when it was done,
I just couldn't...
I couldn't believe I was
the one still standing.
I don't know how many times
I have to say this,
I've never met that man
before in my entire life.
Kevin was talking
with the victim at the bar.
He was speaking Italian
or something.
Said he was looking
for the bathroom.
Can I change one
of my answers?
Hmm.
Who was in here?
Was it you, Kevin?
Hey, Chief?
It looks like our intruder
came from the woods.
I'm thinking there's gonna be
a car or a boat nearby.
Smart.
I'll be down in a sec.
Rest in peace, buddy.
Who are you talking to?
Huh? Oh, just... uh, you know.
How are you holding up?
So he really
attacked you, huh?
Just...
Did he have a weapon, or no?
What are you asking me?
No, I'm just-I'm just trying
to be there for you, honey.
You know, understand what you...
what you went through,
or thought.
Honestly, it was
the weirdest thing.
One minute, I truly believed
that I was gonna die.
Then I'm, like,
standing over him.
And he's covered in blood.
I'm a killer.
I killed him.
No, honey, don't,
don't say that. It's--
Well, it's true, Kevin.
Honey, it's-- No.
It's-It's complicated.
I mean, you were--
you were protecting yourself,
and...
you had no choice.
I mean, you're not a killer.
You killed one guy.
Just, you know,
don't make a habit of it.
Excuse me, Miss Stone?
I don't know if you remember me,
Jeff, from camp.
I was a year behind you.
Um...
Anyways, I just wanted
to say, what you did,
defending yourself like that,
you're a hero.
Everyone's saying so.
We don't all get
tested like that.
You've shown you're
a real protector.
Your husband's a lucky man.
Sorry, did you need
something or...
Uh... Yeah,
Chief would like to have a word.
Hey, catch!
Dummy.
...but we might have
more questions.
Would you mind
sticking around, Kevin?
Kevin!
Uh... I'm sorry, what?
We're, uh, we're just discussing
the logistics
of you staying
through the weekend.
The maid can't come
till Monday.
We'll just avoid
that hallway,
and there's plenty
of other bathrooms.
Wait, hang on. You, uh,
you want to stay here?
I thought we were leaving.
Well, the police are done
with their work in the house,
and Heather was saying
it might be helpful
for us to stick around in case
they have more questions.
Aren't we in some kind
of danger?
A man just tried
to kill my wife.
I mean, I-I'm-- we're happy
to get you, what,
like a motel downtown?
Yeah.
If that would help you
settle in, feel more safe.
If you don't want
to stay here with me,
we can get a car
to take you back.
No, no, no, no, no.
I'm-I'm, uh...
You're right.
I agree, yeah, we should stay.
We should stay. Uh...
Hey, just out of curiosity,
what are the odds of you folks
figuring out
who this attacker, uh, was?
I mean, we're fairly confident
that he's from out
of town, right?
So once we locate
the vehicle,
I'd say our odds
are pretty damn good.
- I don't trust him.
- Of course you don't.
He lied, Murph.
You saw him with the attacker last night at the bar.
He corrected himself.
Yeah, only after he knew
he was caught.
If Kevin only met the guy
last night, why lie?
He was scared.
Thought it might make us
suspicious, which it did.
Doesn't mean he tried
to have his wife killed.
So the house key?
Suzie said she saw
the guy pull the key
out of the flowerpot,
let himself in.
You think Kevin
planted the key?
Yeah. How'd he know
where to look?
Oh, what if it's a sex thing?
No?
Okay, so, Murph,
what's your theory?
Well,
it's not so much
a theory per se.
I just am having a hard time
seeing Mr. Softie
as the kind of guy
who's dealing
with professional criminals.
The man's a cream puff.
He married way out
of his league, and he knows it.
And as far as I can tell,
he truly loves his wife.
I'd guess Mr. Softie
pissed off some thug at a bar.
The guy followed him home
and broke in.
Hell, I wouldn't be shocked
if Kevin was home
the whole time it went down,
just hiding under the bed.
Right, Murph. Yeah.
That's not a theory per se.
Well, we're not
gonna know anything
until we ID the attacker.
So let's just keep on
the grid search in the woods,
and I will start checking
with local businesses.
Thank you, boys.
It's just me
and this bear.
Thirty yards away, it charges.
Six hundred pounds
of raw, brute force
coming straight the fuck at me.
Twenty yards.
Well, you were always
a great shot, Stu.
I'm okay.
No four-time Ivy League
archery champ.
Shut up.
Were you scared?
No time.
I'm pure instinct.
Ten yards, five.
I fire. Wham!
Damn thing hits the ground
right at my feet.
I'll never forget that rush.
It's incredible.
The greatest feeling
in the world
is fighting for your life
and winning.
And your dad
would never admit it,
but he was impressed.
Her dad?
Kevin, how was your walk?
Yup. Old Stone and I
just wrapped up
our annual hunting trip.
Oh, you... you guys
went hunting?
I thought he was in, like,
Budapest, or...
Stu, you've met Kevin, right?
Mr. Movie Star.
How's it goin'?
I'm sorry, who are you?
I'm Stu.
Kevin, it's Stu.
I told you about Stu.
We went to high school
together.
And Yale.
He's a defense attorney.
I thought it'd be good
to bring in some outside help.
Don't piss yourself, Kev.
I'm not sending a bill.
I'd do anything for Suze,
starting with getting that
old Mercedes of yours fixed up.
Also, the power's back on.
I put in a call.
And listen,
the last thing I want is for you
to feel uncomfortable
about me being here, okay?
Why would I be
uncomfortable?
That's a great attitude.
I'm glad we can all be adults.
Right now, we need to focus
on what's best for Suze.
So I called some reporters,
and I think I better go
make a statement.
Statement? Hold-Hold on. Um...
Don't you think we should
discuss this first?
Kevin, Stu does this
for a living.
Kevin, listen to your wife.
You two hang back.
I've got this handled.
I'm gonna come with you.
Suze, seriously,
it's not necessary.
No, I'm-I'm coming.
That's our girl.
Full of surprises.
Suze.
Sue Bear! Wait up!
Sue Bear?
Good evening, folks.
Nobody goes on vacation
and plans on having
to fight for their life.
But that's exactly what happened
to my client, Suzie Stone.
All she wanted was a relaxing
and peaceful getaway
in the country.
At approximately 11:45
last night,
as she was getting
ready for bed,
Suzie was the victim
of a terrible assault.
No. That-That's...
That's not true.
I mean, I'm-I'm...
I'm not a victim.
Yes, somebody broke
into my house
and tried to hurt me.
Barbie bitch!
But...
I'm the one still standing,
aren't I?
That's right.
Suzie is not a victim.
She's... a survivor.
All right, folks, uh,
we're gonna ask
for some privacy
at this time.
It's been a harrowing
24 hours for my fiance.
We'd just like to...
to get...
Excuse me. Uh...
My client.
Like I said,
a harrowing 24 hours.
Thank you. That'll be all.
Oh, boy. New headline.
"Lawyer puts his fucking foot
in his mouth."
- Fiance?
- Kevin, I wasn't--
You were gonna marry him?
Yes, Kevin.
That's what fiance means.
I wasn't keeping it from you.
It just never came up.
What was I supposed to ask?
Oh, by the way,
were you ever engaged
to some asshat esquire?
Stu is ancient history.
Clearly, he doesn't think so.
He's still calling you fiance.
Kevin, you are
my husband, not Stu.
He and I didn't work,
it was never gonna work,
and it took me a while
to figure that out.
Once I did, I called off
the engagement.
All right?
I broke his heart.
You broke it off?
Yes.
And it really wasn't easy
'cause I had to explain it
to our entire family,
and I had to cancel a very
expensive venue and caterer,
and our fucking honeymoon.
Where was your honeymoon?
We didn't have one.
I know, but where was it...
where was it gonna be?
That's... that's not the point.
So then why don't you
just tell me?
Please don't do this, Kevin.
Was it Aruba?
Jesus Christ!
Kevin, it was such
a long time ago.
Not that long.
You're really focusing
on the wrong thing here.
That's why you had
those tickets.
Love at first sight?
It was-- It-- Bullshit!
That's not true.
And you lied to me about it.
I didn't lie to you.
Kevin, please.
You and I had such
an incredible time in Aruba.
If I said anything to you,
it would have completely
destroyed the whole memory.
Kevin.
Honey?
I'm so sorry.
I should have said
something to you.
I should've. I should've said
something to you.
You've always been
so completely honest with me.
Why did you bring him here?
Because I was scared!
I was freaked out.
He's the best...
he's the best defense attorney
in the state, okay?
Honestly, babe,
I don't even care.
You just say the word,
I'll tell him to leave.
I don't care. Okay, honey?
Just tell me.
I'm sorry.
Shoot.
This needs to be dry-cleaned.
L3 for Scout.
Uh, this is Scout.
Go ahead, Murph.
Took a report
from a couple who just came in,
said they overheard
two men arguing
behind the bar last night.
Okay. On my way.
Suzie?
Suzie.
Just getting my charger.
Honey, it's probably
not a good idea
to hang out in this part
of the house, don't you think?
Yeah.
Let's go downstairs.
Make sure Stu isn't
burning down the kitchen.
Sue Bear!
I sauted some broccolini
exactly how you like it.
Are you guys
smelling this?
Not very hungry.
What do you say we get
out of here for a bit?
Just the two of us.
Yeah, I'd like that.
I'd like that too.
Do you like venison pt?
A couple's weekend getaway
turned into a nightmare
when a New York City woman,
Suzie Stone,
found herself
in a life-or-death struggle
with a violent home invader.
WXDV reports.
I mean, I'm-I'm...
I'm not a victim.
Yes, somebody broke
into my house
and tried to hurt me, but...
I'm the one still standing,
aren't I?
Lying bitch!
Excuse me?
I can't believe
she'd show her face here.
That woman destroyed
my family,
and nobody fucking cares.
What is it that you think
that she did?
You must remember him,
don't you?
My nephew, Gregory Doyle.
Archives said you
signed it out when you retired,
right before I started.
Hey, you hungry?
Uh, there's a chicken
in the fridge, I think.
Dad, you signed out
a case file,
and you never returned it.
You can't do that.
Okay, okay. I'll, uh,
I'll pay the library fine.
This is not a joke.
Do you still have it?
Is that the only one
you took?
Yes.
Why?
Why Greg Doyle?
When you first told me
you were thinking about
joining the force, I figured
this might come up,
and... I decided
it was probably best
if you didn't know.
Know what, Dad?
That your friend Suzie
killed him.
What?
What happened?
Simple answer?
Self-defense.
That Doyle kid was
a real piece of work.
Gave his own grandmother
two black eyes.
Goddamn bully.
You ought to remember.
He made your life hell.
Yeah.
I remember.
So what happened to him?
That morning,
he biked over to that big,
piss-ugly mansion of theirs,
chased your friend Suzie
off into the woods.
He beat the daylights
out of her.
And she...
she killed him.
So he didn't move away.
How come I didn't know
about this?
She was a minor.
We couldn't release
her name,
and her family, they had
the Doyles tied up in NDAs
so damn quickly.
Oh my God.
Paid 'em off with one of those
undisclosed settlements.
And that's why she left camp.
Yeah, they whisked her off
back to the city.
That was that.
She didn't even say goodbye.
She tried, kiddo.
She...
wrote you a couple
of letters.
I threw them out.
Why would you do that?
You said the simple answer
is self-defense, right?
What's the complicated one?
I was first
on the scene that day.
Neighbor called it in,
said they heard some screaming
coming from the woods.
Thought it was probably
an injured animal,
needed being put down.
Nobody seemed to be home,
so I went around the back,
and...
that's when I saw her.
I found some Polaroids
back there too,
but...
...it didn't matter.
The DA had made up his mind.
What was on them?
Left cabinet,
top shelf, on the box.
What the hell are these?
Suzie told me
she invited him over for a swim.
I found that odd as hell,
him being the bully that he was.
Well, Greg had a crush on her.
I figured she waited
for him to get changed,
then when he was undressed,
she busted in with the camera.
Everybody's gonna see you naked.
Give me that.
Let go!
So you think she got him
to attack her on purpose?
I'll put it this way,
when he did,
she was ready.
I'll fucking kill you!
Greg. Don't.
You know, the thing
that sticks in my brain
from all those years ago
was the look on her face
when she was coming
down that dock,
you know, before
everybody else showed up,
and she thought
she was still alone.
She was smiling.
I don't know what I expected
coming here.
Hey... ...kiddo.
You asked me.
Don't get sore 'cause
you don't like the answer.
It's not the answer.
It's your drunken bullshit.
It's not the Suzie I know.
I'm 1,500 strokes in
and my arms are burning
like a devil's jock itch
when I hear
this god-awful scrape.
Must have bottomed out
on that roof there.
You folks are buying me
a new kayak.
Uh, okay.
Thank you.
Thank you very much.
And not one of those
cheap knockoffs.
Barely any oxidation.
Car hasn't been
in the water long.
Oh God.
Got a name.
Ernest Guerra.
You think it's our guy?
Yeah.
I think so.
Okay, so...
what do we do now?
Time to call the family.
Honey, what is it?
He's back.
Hi. We've met before.
I'm Mr. Softie,
and if I'm keeping you down
in the bedroom,
you're not alone.
52% of adult men
have encountered me
at least once.
You don't mind if I pee
in here, do you?
Wowee! That's a GILF
if I've ever seen one,
huh?
If you enjoy regular visits
from me,
definitely do not ask
your doctor
if Stiflocin
is right for you.
Ask your doctor if your heart
is healthy enough for sex.
Side effects include
headache, flushing,
upset stomach,
and abnormal vision.
Thanks to Stiflocin,
performing in bed
isn't hard anymore.
But I am.
No!
Oh, have you seen the one
in the weight room?
It's friggin' gold!
Play it, play it.
Victim's brothers
are here, Murph.
Ooh, awesome.
I want to talk to the bald one.
You look at the rap sheet
on that guy?
Let's hold the judgment.
They just lost their brother.
Look, all I'm saying is
somebody pushed Ernie's car
into the lake,
and I think we're
about to meet him.
Is somebody manning
the phones?
Yeah, can we just
at least pretend
this is a real police station?
Thanks.
Sorry, man, I forgot
to run to the store today.
I only have the big bags.
What's up?
I said we only have
the big bags
for your sandwiches.
Is that okay?
...New York City
woman, Suzie Stone...
Yeah, that's-that's fine.
Thanks.
...life-or-death struggle
with a violent home invader.
I'm the one still
standing, aren't I?
Suzie is not a victim.
She's... a survivor.
Police have identified
the suspected home invader,
a struggling actor,
Ernest Guerra.
I'm telling you, man,
that's him.
That's the dude,
bathroom fucker.
Say it again, mother bitch!
Yo, let him breathe.
He can't talk.
You think I give a fuck?
I'll waste this guy right now.
What the hell, bro?
We're in public.
There could be cops
and shit!
Fuck the cops.
They don't respect you.
They don't respect our brother.
Everybody only respects
one thing.
I-I saw him in the bathroom.
Who? Ernie?
I don't know, the home invader.
When?
Two days ago.
And then the couple
from the TV showed up.
The husband snuck in with him,
and the wife stayed outside.
The fuck you saying?
I mean, it's not
totally unexpected.
Look, I don't know
what happened with your...
your brother and this couple.
I'm pretty sure the wife
didn't know what was going on,
but if she found out,
jealousy, man.
That's-That's a hell of a drug.
Oh, hi.
Relax, jumpy.
What's the matter?
Nothing. What's the matter
with you?
Nothing.
Okay.
Okay, I got this.
You go in and make sure Stu
doesn't jack any of our stuff.
Okay.
Fuck yes.
Old Stone, you've been
holding out on me.
Where'd you find that?
That's not yours.
- In the bear's mouth.
- That's not yours.
- It is now.
- Give me that!
It's in my hand, isn't it?
Why are you so scared?
Give me that!
Is it yours?
Of course not.
Stop! What are you doing?
Oh, Suze, you know
whose phone this is?
It had a reminder
for acting class, of all things.
Great. We'll let
Mr. Stone know.
He, you know, he probably
left it behind, so...
Hon, you ready?
Why don't we, uh,
why don't we hit
the road, okay?
Hey, that doesn't belong to you!
Let's see here.
We've got an, oh,
an actor's ID card.
What? Whose is that?
Why don't you ask your husband?
How would I know?
In fact, why don't you ask him
how all of Ernie Guerra's stuff
got into that bear's mouth?
Okay, hang on, hang on.
This is, uh, this is evidence,
okay?
And we probably shouldn't
be messing around with...
Hey!
Oh, shit.
Ah! Get off of me!
What are you hiding?
Just, you're...
You're compromising evidence.
Would you-- Suzie,
would you help me, please?
Suzie? Stop.
Hey, Suzie, help me.
Would you, please?
Yeah. Hey!
What are you doing?
No! Suzie! Hey!
Kevin, why is your number
in this phone?
Oh, you are so fucked,
my guy.
Stop it. Hang on.
It's not what you think.
It's not what you think.
You were texting with him?
Kevin, you...
you planned this attack?
No, it's not,
it's not an attack.
It's not an attack.
Kevin?
Shit. No! Please.
Okay, look, look.
You think you're
some big guy, huh?
Hiring some thug
to kill your wife?
What? Kill? No, no, no.
Not... not kill.
I swear. Plea-- Okay, please.
Yes, I knew him.
I knew him, but it's not...
it's not what you think.
You really did this?
No, I just-- Could you please
just give me a chance
to explain, please?
Okay, I was trying
to fix things.
I gotta leave.
I gotta leave, okay?
We'll talk about this at home.
Stu, you're coming with me.
We're not going anywhere, Suze.
Pursuant to article 140.30
of the New York CPL code,
I'll be placing you
under citizen's arrest.
Oh my God. Stu?
What?
Would you stop being
a fucking prick
for one second
and let's go, please.
This isn't over.
Fuck!
Who the fuck
are these clowns?
Suzie Stone?
I got some questions for you.
That's not how
this works, buddy.
This is private property.
Why'd you kill my brother?
Hey, Geek Squad, get
the fuck outta here!
Answer me! Hey!
Want me to slap you with
a restraining order next?
We just want to talk.
Give me the gun.
I said we just want to talk!
Oh, fuck.
Fuck!
I gotta make this right.
I gotta make this right.
I gotta make this right.
Trust me, guys, okay?
A guilty conscience,
it's a fucking toxic cage.
Just tell us the truth.
Do not say a word, Suze.
Hey.
We already know
what you did, okay?
So if you wanna make it off
this boat, you're gonna look
right in this camera
and confess your crimes.
Confess?
Are you joking?
Stu, stop it.
You want to talk
about crimes?
Okay, how's kidnapping,
battery,
assault with a deadly weapon,
possession of an illegal
firearm probably.
And your dumb ass
is filming the whole thing.
Stop talking.
Let me handle this, Suze.
No more games.
Confess or I'll put
a hole in your head.
Pull the trigger,
you coward!
I'm not aiming
at you, bro.
Oh.
Sorry, Suze.
Oh, shit.
What?
My phone just died.
Here, just pass me yours.
I left it in the car.
I told you my phone was at 6%.
Bring the charger,
that's all I asked.
Bring the charger, for what?
We're in a fucking boat.
I got the knot untied.
What?
I'll protect you.
Stu, don't!
I'm serious, don't.
I fucking got this!
Stu, stop.
What are you whispering about?
Stu!
Stu! Stu!
I didn't do anything,
it just went off!
You killed Stu!
Why do you keep
calling him that?!
Because that's his name!
I thought his name was Kevin!
Kevin's my husband!
Who the hell is this guy?!
He's Stu!
He's our fucking lawyer!
Where's your husband?!
Where's Kevin?!
Hi, uh, this, uh,
this is Kevin Stanwell.
Um, can I... can I please speak
with Chief, uh...
uh, Heather?
Uh... Well, it's...
it's really important.
Do you have, um, you have
any way that I can reach her?
Fuck! I told you, man.
Shut the fuck up
and grab his head.
I don't wanna grab
his head!
You're the one
who blew his brains out.
You're grabbing his head.
Fuck me! I'm gonna be sick!
Barbie bitch!
The greatest feeling
in the world...
...is fighting for your life...
...and winning.
Okay,
here we go. Ready?
Hey! What are you doing?
Sorry,
my service is bad.
What are you saying?
Can you hear me?
I'm-I'm guilty, okay?
I just... I want to confess.
Are you at the house?
Hello?
What?
Shit.
Where the fuck did she go?
We tied their hands, dumbass,
now they're both dead.
Fuck!
Fuck!
This is... this is your fault.
You shot the...
There she is!
Where?
Kill her!
What the hell?
Kevin!
Suzie? Hey!
Oh my God!
I thought you left.
I fuckin'... Oh my God.
Wait, what? Hold--
Are you okay?
You did this for me,
didn't you?
Why are you all...
What?
How did you know?
How did I--
How did you know?
How did I know what?
This house, Kevin,
it's exactly what I needed.
What, what?
This house!
What?
You know I had
some not so great memories
in this house, right?
All right,
there was this bully,
he was fucking awful,
he tormented Heather and me.
I had to kill him...
to protect myself.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
Let's go.
What? Oh my God.
I'm so sorry.
It's fine. My dad,
he put me through
a lot of therapy
and counseling
to help me reframe
the whole thing.
But all it ever did was
make me feel like a victim.
And I'm not a victim.
I won. I won.
And I felt on fucking fire, Kev.
I felt alive in a way
I haven't felt
in 20 fucking years.
Till the other night.
The... the other night?
What do you mean?
You mean with the attack?
That's thanks to you, honey.
Hold on, wait,
you like what happened?
I mean, I like the danger.
Wait, hold on.
Oh my God, hold on.
What is...
Is this like some sort
of kink or something?
Because, honey, I-I-I...
I never meant
for anyone to get hurt.
It was theater.
It was scripted.
I scripted it.
It was just
so I could save you
and you could see me
as a hero.
That's the stupidest fucking
thing I've ever heard.
I know, I know, I know.
I was just trying to fix things.
I thought maybe if I
could prove to you--
Kevin, stop it.
Please don't ruin this.
I'm fucking begging you.
Wait.
Hold on, where-where's Stu?
So your friend Ernie,
his brothers showed up
and they kidnapped us.
Stu's fucking dead.
Wha--
Are you-- Wait.
Hold on. Stu is dead?
Stu is dead?
They're here.
Who's here?
Who's fucking here?
What do you mean?
The-The brothers?
The brothers are here right now?
Yeah.
Okay. All right, let's go.
I'm not going anywhere.
What do you mean?
What the fuck, honey?
I'm staying here.
What do you mean?
We have to get out of here!
Let me handle it!
Suzie, we are in danger!
Suzie, they are going
to kill us.
They will if you
don't help me.
Oh my God.
Okay, okay, yeah.
I can do this.
I can do this.
I am going to prove to you
that I can protect us.
Kevin, you don't have
to prove a thing to me.
All this protector bullshit,
that's about you!
Okay, fine, fine.
Then for me, please,
just please let me do this.
Please.
Okay?
Go. Hide.
Honey, I've got this.
Please.
You stay away from my wife,
you son of a bitch!
"You're not getting through
this door, you hear me?"
"Untitled
Home Invasion Romance,
written by Kevin Stanwell."
Kick it harder!
I am!
Did you even check
it's locked?
Fuck this fucking door!
Fuck!
What are you doing?
Is that really
necessary, man?
I fucking like it, bro!
She saw us.
It helps me concentrate.
Dude, you look like you
want them to fuck you!
Just go...
check around back.
Grow up.
Thought you got this.
Jesus.
Murderer!
Come out and face me!
Kevin, shoot him!
Shoot him!
Oh my God!
Oh, God!
Let's go.
Shit, it's empty.
Hey! Hey!
Oh, shit. Shit.
Stop!
Hey, no! Victor!
Holy shit, honey, that was...
that was crazy.
Victor!
Hey, I know your brother
was set up.
Kevin called me to confess.
Shit.
Hey, we're gonna get
to the bottom of all this.
I'm gonna get you
to a hospital, okay?
Just, I need
to restrain you.
Can you cooperate with me?
Oh! Look out!
Shh!
Tell me where's
your other brother.
Oh!
Oh my God.
Oh my God. Oh my God.
I didn't know what to do.
She's a cop.
I know that, Victor.
I fucking panicked.
Fuck. Fuck. Fuck.
Honey, we don't have
much time now.
What...?
All right? It's us or them.
Will you help me, please?
Oh my God. Fuck.
Give me your lighter.
What? I don't have a lighter.
Kevin.
What? I don't!
I know you still smoke.
Give me your lighter.
Are you sure
you can do this?
I mean, four-time
Ivy League archery champ.
Shit. What?
Okay.
Kevin, they're gonna
take Heather's gun.
We have to catch them
by surprise.
I'm gonna go up on the roof,
I need you outside.
Wait, I'll come with you.
Whatever you're doing,
I can do it with you.
Kevin, I need you outside.
Okay.
I need you to go down
to the dock house.
Yeah.
Okay, quietly.
When you're there,
count down from 60.
When you get to zero, I need you
to run out of the house
screaming, like,
really screaming, Kevin,
like you're scared
for your life.
I think I can manage that.
Good.
Okay.
Run straight up the path,
come back to the house.
Okay. Wait, hold on.
What happens then? I mean,
they're gonna come after me.
Let me worry about that.
Wait. Hold on, hold on.
So-So I'm the bait?
You're the lead.
I'm the lead. Okay.
Now, remember, not a peep
before zero, okay?
And, honey?
Okay. Yeah.
Break a leg.
Wait, hold on.
When do I start counting?
Now.
Now?
Oh. Fifty-nine, fifty-eight...
This isn't working, bro.
I gotta get to a hospital, man.
Fuck the hospital.
These people butchered
our brother.
They need to pay.
Forty-five,
forty-four,
forty-three...
Forty-two,
forty-one,
forty,
thirty-nine, thirty-eight,
thirty-seven...
You told me there's only
one thing everybody respects.
Let's go get
some fucking respect.
Twenty-nine,
twenty... Shit!
What the fuck was that?
They're in the dock house.
Oh, Suzie!
Suzie!
Suzie!
Ah, shit!
Oh my God!
Fucking help me, Victor!
Fucking help me!
Come on, please!
Fuck, you gotta get it outta me.
You gotta get it outta me!
Victor!
No! No! Victor!
Oh my God.
You're okay. You're okay.
Hey! Hey!
You're okay. Stay with me.
Victor! Victor!
Hey! Come on. Wake up.
Oh, no! No!
You bitch!
No, Suzie!
Now we're even.
Fucking psycho!
Suzie.
Oh my God.
Holy shit.
Heather.
Hey, it's me.
I'm so sorry about this,
Heather.
Your husband...
Bad.
Oh, no, no, no. No.
He's not.
Promise.
You know, I...
I never stopped thinking
about you, Heather.
I really thought that
you'd write back to me.
You never did.
You never even thanked me
for what I did for you.
With Greg.
I don't understand you.
I know, Heather.
I believe this is yours.
So what do we do now?
We were all alone.
We were terrified.
If Heather hadn't shown up,
I don't...
I don't know.
Thank you.
She just fought so hard,
you know?
After they...
they took her gun, and...
...all she had...
was that bow and arrow.
Um, do you have anything to add,
Mr. Soft-- Uh...
Sorry. Um, do you have anything
to add, Mr. Stanwell?
Uh...
Mr. Stanwell?
Nope. No.
- Nope.
- Well, we knew someone
pushed the car into the lake,
so... seems like
these two brothers
were working behind
the scenes the whole time.
Uh...
You two are either the luckiest
or unluckiest people
I've ever met.
Luckiest.
At least I am.
To have my husband
by my side this whole time...
He knows me
better than anyone,
like, the real me.
I know he'd do
anything for me.
You're my hero.