Up in Arms (1944) Movie Script

NARRATOR: Folks, if you've got
a copy of this morning's paper,
you've probably read
about the daring exploits
of this brave young soldier.
His name is Danny Weems.
Here he is on an island
in the South Pacific,
where single handed
he captured 20 Japs.
Imagine that.
But he wasn't always this
fearless fighting man.
No sirree.
On another island
in the Atlantic,
six short months
ago, bright and early
one morning in this
old schoolhouse,
a group of public
spirited citizens
were discussing our hero.
Order number 1437.
What are all those papers
attached to his questionnaire?
Oh, they're a list
of his ailments.
There wasn't room
on the regular form.
Show this to Campbell.
You'd better have a look
at this, Dr. Campbell.
Name is, uh, Daniel Weems.
Oh, yes.
I know this man.
I suspect every doctor
in New York does.
He's a confirmed hypochondriac.
Give you an idea how
bad he is, Maxwell,
he got himself a job
running an elevator
in the Manhattan medical
clinic just so he could
be near doctors and nurses.
Oh, then those diseases of
his are just imaginary, huh?
Why, according to
him he has everything
from hoof and mouth disease
to the galloping willies.
And listen to this--
nervous indigestion,
nervous digestion.
And look there.
High blood pressure
and low blood pressure.
Flat feet and rising arches.
And then there's
one disease there
he must've found
in the dictionary--
ichthyosis colitis.
If there were such a thing, it
could only happen to a fish.
Well, I hope he enjoys
his diseases today.
He's due for a shock
in the next mail.
1A?
NARRATOR: 1A.
1A.
Going up, please.
Oh, hello, Dr. Jones.
Step right in.
I was hoping to see you.
I'd like you to have
a look at my liver.
It's only three flights.
I'll walk up.
Oh, but Dr. Jones--
oh, Dr. Weavermacher?
Paint it with iodine.
DANNY: Paint what?
Who cares?
MAN: Good morning.
MR. HIGGINBOTHAM: Good morning.
You're looking better,
Mr. Higginbotham.
Feel great.
18 holes of golf, and
the day is just a pup.
Just seeing the doctor
for my final checkup.
Morning.
- Morning, sir.
Good morning.
[clearing throat]
Not doing you much good, is he?
Oh, yes, I feel much better.
You looked better
three months ago.
Oh, come now.
What's the matter?
Your eyes-- they blink.
Oh, everybody's eyes blink.
Yeah?
Everybody's eyes
blink once a second.
Yours blink twice.
Twice?
Mm-hm.
Oh, is that bad?
Oh, no.
Except if it works back.
Works back?
Well, what'll happen?
If I told you the truth,
it would only make it worse.
A man in your condition
shouldn't get himself upset.
Oh, I'm all right.
I'm all right.
I don't know.
In my job, I see people
come and go all the time.
Oh!
We just passed the seventh.
What are you stopping for?
I just remembered.
Only last week a fellow
wanted the 16th floor
just like you did.
Well, I got him as far as
the eight, and he was gone.
Maybe I should've
stayed in bed.
Of course you should.
Let me see your tongue.
No!
Put it back.
It's contagious.
Now you've exposed me to it.
Well, what'll happen to us?
Us?
Don't say us.
I haven't got it yet.
- Well, what is it?
What have I got?
Don't hold back on me.
Tell me.
Tell me.
Well, it looks like
pollenari morphiosis.
It strikes without warning.
You'll be coming to your office
one day, and then suddenly--
then you'll be all
right for a few days.
And then--
You mean to tell
me that I'll be--
You see?
It's started already.
Your skin is turning green.
Your knees are
beginning to buckle.
In just a second,
you'll be gone.
Oh, water, water.
Please, give me
a glass of water.
Water!
Water!
Oh, Dr. Freyheisen?
Dr. Freyheisen?
Dr. Frey-- a man just fainted.
Dr. Freyheisen?
[pounding]
Dr. Freyheisen?
Doctor-- Dr. Freyheisen, it's--
it's Mr. Higginbotham again.
What?
All I did, doctor, was--
Oh, doctor.
I told you to keep
away from my patients.
Doctor, why is your
hand trembling like that?
Because I'm mad, you idiot!
That's why.
But doctor, that
wouldn't make it purple.
It's not purple.
It is purple, except for
those green and yellow streaks.
- Where?
- There.
[gasp]
Go away from me, you maniac.
Get away!
Get out!
- But, doctor--
Shut up!
Doctor, you shouldn't
yell like that.
It's bad for you.
- I will yell.
All right, yell.
But remember Dr. Flugel.
He used to yell.
He came in at 9:00 one morning,
and at 9:05 he was gone.
Well, let me
tell you something.
If you are here at 9:00
tomorrow morning, at 9:05
you'll be gone.
Oh, but, doctor, you don't--
VIRGINIA: Here, drink this.
- What is this?
- Water.
I heard you calling for it.
Water?
Just plain, ordinary water.
Oh, Virginia, you know I
never drink anything but Jupiter
Springs number three distill.
Well, don't worry about it.
See?
Don't worry about Freyheisen.
He just likes to
make a lot of noise.
Come on in my
office for a minute.
I got something I
want to show you.
All right.
Oh, you mean the liver
extract has arrived?
Hey, you're
gonna be all right.
You look much better today.
- I do?
- Uh-huh.
Oh, well wait till
you see me tomorrow?
I expect to have
a very bad night.
[chuckling]
OK.
Virginia, do you
really think I'm
strong enough to get married?
Well, of course, if
the you married a nurse.
Virginia, you're right.
I'll do it.
Danny!
Come here.
Come closer.
Look into my eyes.
Oh, Danny.
Ever since the
first day we met
up I've wanting to say this.
Yes, Danny?
You're the most wonderful
girl in the world.
Oh, Danny.
And I love you.
Darling.
I want you to
be my wife, Mary.
Mary?
Well, who did you
think I was talking to?
I was only practicing.
Oh, fine.
I light the fire, and
she's cooking with it.
I see what you mean.
Well, anyway, how was
the proposal, Virginian?
You think it'll work.
Oh, I don't see
how it could miss.
I don't know how she
could resist you.
Well, I--
I know I'm not the best
looking guy in the world, but--
No.
No.
Mary likes me more
than you know.
It's the little things she
says and the little things
she doesn't say.
Mostly the things
she doesn't say.
Yes.
Well, thanks, Virginia.
I gotta go now, but thanks
for letting me use you.
Oh, hello, Mary.
Hello, Danny.
Any new symptoms today?
Oh, Mary.
Uh, Mary?
You haven't forgotten
about tonight?
I've got a lot of things to
tell you, and one of them
is very important.
You have forgotten that?
No, of course I
remember, Danny.
This is the night I promised
to go to a movie with you.
Yeah, and meet my friend, Joe.
He's gonna take us to dinner.
Gee, you look pretty.
Say, Danny, why don't we
ask Virginia to come along.
No, we don't want her.
Oh, I mean, uh--
Oh, thanks a lot.
Well, excuse me, but I know
you've got a date or something.
She's got a date or
something, haven't you?
No.
No, I'm perfectly free.
That's great.
No, we can't, Mary.
I mean, that would
ruin everything.
Joe was gonna pay
for the dinner,
and we just can't
take people along.
Oh, I don't mind.
We can go dutch or something.
We'll have a wonderful
time, Danny-- a double date.
We'll sort of pair off.
No, that's out of the quest--
pair off?
That might be fine.
[buzzer]
Oh, there's the elevator.
I'll pick you up at 6:00.
Bye.
Bye.
Oh, lovely.
[inaudible], please.
[chatter]
Milk.
Thank you.
Say, uh, what kind
of milk is this?
Cow's milk.
Cow's milk?
I didn't order cow's milk.
Haven't you got any goat's milk?
No.
Our goat is out shooting
pool with some friends.
Have you got any Vitamize?
My friend, this is
the Chalet Saint Maritz.
You want the polyclinic
hospital perhaps.
Now-- now wait a minute.
If you haven't got
what he asked for, OK,
but we could do without
the jokes, understand?
Indeed.
What seems to be the trouble?
I bring milk to this man, and
he starts an argument with me.
What?
Please, I must ask
you to be careful
how you talk to my waiters.
Well, just a minute.
All I did was--
I warn you.
One more incident
like this, and I quit.
Earnest!
Earnest, you are just tired.
You've been working too hard.
Go out for a while
and have a smoke.
Take tomorrow off.
I think it over.
Please.
Well, how do you like that.
Danny, I know a place that
specializes in Vitamize milk.
DANNY: You do?
Uh-huh.
It's one of the
hot spots in town.
Come on, I'll take you there.
All right.
Oh, uh, I was supposed to
sit this dance out with Mary.
Oh, no.
Go ahead, Danny.
We'll meet you in
front of the theater.
- Sure.
- You sure you don't mind?
- Uh-uh.
- Oh, I can hardly wait.
You know I'm just crazy
about Vitamize milk.
Come on.
We'll see you at
the movies, huh?
There's only one Danny.
Yeah, he's quite a guy.
You know, he's
pretty stuck on you.
You know that, don't you?
Yes, and I don't know
what to do about it.
I-- I've tried to tell him, but,
oh, he's got the funniest way
of twisting your words around.
No, I-- I can't come
right out with it.
Besides, Joe, he's-- oh, he's
got so many other troubles--
at least, he thinks
he has-- that,
well, I don't wanna hurt him.
You're a pretty
nice person, Mary.
You're OK yourself.
Like to dance?
Oh, I'd love to, Joe.
Step up.
There'll be a short
wait for all seats.
[chatter]
Keep moving, please.
Step up.
There'll be a short
wait for all seats.
Keep moving.
Three [inaudible] please.
Two general, please.
Step up.
There'll be a short wait
for all seats, please.
- Here you are, Mrs. Willoughby.
- Thank you.
I take two every day
and three on Sunday.
And holidays.
Come on.
- Oh, come on.
Come on.
See, as I was telling you,
I only get $22.50 a week,
but I figure Mary
could work a little
while after we're married.
- Yes.
And I haven't decided
yet about the proposal.
I-- I don't know
whether to blurt it
out or kind of lead up to it.
What do you think?
Well, I don't know.
Maybe I can help.
Why don't you marry him, Mary?
Oh, I'd love to,
except I'm Virginia.
Yeah.
Oh, then you must be Joe.
[laughter]
No, no.
I'm Mary.
Oh.
I-- I mean Danny.
Come on, Joe.
Yoo-hoo!
Oh, there they are.
Hello.
That's them.
The one on the right's Mary.
She's pretty, isn't she?
Yeah.
Oh, uh, Joe, Mary, this
is Mrs. Willoughby.
She's 46 years old and
has seven children.
Her husband's a baker.
Gets $88 a week.
How do you do?
[inaudible].
How do you do, you two?
Oh, we've lost our place.
Oh.
[interposing voices]
Now look what happened.
We've lost our place.
Why didn't you get here?
Well, I'm glad you did
get here, because now
we've got to get out of here.
- What?
- Why?
- What are you talking about?
Why?
Well, the lobby's
full of people,
and the people
are full of germs.
But we came to
see the picture.
I don't see why, Joe.
These musical pictures
are all alike.
If you've seen one,
you've seen them all.
Supposing we do go in,
and we do get a seat,
and the woman in front
does take her hat off,
and you do get a look
up at the screen.
What do you see?
(SINGING) Manic depressive
pictures present--
[lion roaring]
--hello Fresno.
Goodbye.
Produced by are you manic?
And directed by depressive.
Now you know the
name of the picture,
and you'd like to
see it, but no.
Screenplay by Gluck from a stage
play by my Motz from a story
by Blip from a chapter
by Run from a sentence
by Dopes from a comma
by Stokes from an idea
by Brokes based on
Joan Miller's jokes.
Now you know the name of the
picture and who wrote it,
and you'd still like
to see it, but no.
Art direction [inaudible],,
interiors Minerva [inaudible]
photography Alonzo tech
recorded sound [inaudible]
upholstery by Zachary.
Knick knackery by Thackeray.
[inaudible] by dickory,
and dickory by dock.
Now finally, at last comes the
picture, and what do we see?
The same old beautiful
chorus girls.
The opening scene is a
ranch in Fresno, California.
So what are they singing?
When it's cherry
blossom time in Orange,
New Jersey we'll make
a peach of a pair.
I know we cantaloupe, so
honeydew be mine and if--
up from the gulch
rides a hunk of man.
He is a hero, cowboy Dan,
the galloping [inaudible]
and buckaroo.
His horse, of course,
is a baritone, too.
I've got that old wagon
wheel inside of me.
Yahoo!
I've got that old cactus
in the hide of me!
Yahoo!
The girls are
delighted to hear this.
But where is our heroine?
As the bell rings for lunch, we
find the heroine in the corral
eating her heart out.
She is Mary Swenn, the
tap dancing daughter
of an American juggling
act, who left her
on the doorstep of an
old English castle,
where was found by
Sir Basil Metabolism,
who said, by Jove, a girl baby.
I shall raise her
as me own daughter.
Which he did, but she
wants to tap dance,
and cowboy Dan, who
she met on this trip,
knew it was love at first
sight, wants to marry her
so she can tap dance,
but she knows Sir
Basil will never permit this.
Never, never, never!
That's why she's
eating her heart out
because she wants to tap dance.
But through her
tears, she's singing
a happy little song because she
is also a countertenor soprano.
She is beside herself,
her favorite position.
She rushes to her father.
Oh, father, you must
let me marry cowboy Dan.
He owns the biggest
ranch in Texas bar none.
[laughter]
Cowboy Dan cannot
believe his ears--
bar none.
Why, that's the
password of the FBI.
It can't be.
No, no.
Yes, yes.
No, no.
Yes, yes.
No, no.
Yes, yes.
No, no.
Yes, yes.
It can't be.
But it was.
He rushes to Mary Swenn.
Mary Swenn, you must help me.
Can you tap out a
message in code?
This is a big chance.
Now you can tap dance, which
she does, but what has she done?
She has betrayed her own father.
But he isn't her father.
He is Heinrich von [gibberish],,
the dangerous German spy.
- What?
- Yes.
Oh!
Stick up your hands, you
dirty rat [inaudible]
so the FBI finally
captures a German spy.
Dan and Mary are
about to [inaudible]..
You think the picture's
about to end, but no.
Who ever heard of
a musical picture
without Carmelite Pepita,
the Bolivian bombshell?
I wish you could come with me
to my little village in Bolivia.
So peaceful there are the purple
mountains with the lovely list
and the shining stars.
And the little people who
live so simple and quiet.
And every night, all
they want to do is conga!
[spanish]
[inaudible] the opening chorus.
When it's cherry blossom
time in Orange, New Jersey.
That Danny is doing all right.
That must be his
third bottle of milk.
He's gonna drink himself white.
He's quite a guy.
Yes, he is.
He's going to make some
woman a wonderful medicine
cabinet someday.
[chuckling]
Well, I guess I'd
better go in now.
It's pretty late.
Yeah?
Holy smoke, it's after 2:00.
I didn't even realize.
I had a grand time, Joe.
Thanks for letting
me tag along.
I had a swell time, too.
I enjoyed every minute of it.
Goodnight.
Goodnight.
Well, goodnight, Joe.
Night.
Oh, Mary?
Yes, Joe?
Joe and Mary just
met tonight so they
have a lot to talk about.
Joe is a great little talker.
I can never think of
anything to say, can you?
See, I was gonna ask
her to marry me tonight.
I only make $22.50 a
week, but I was gonna
ask her to marry me anyway.
I just didn't get round to it.
There were too
many people around.
We're having a good
time, aren't we?
See, we're out on a double date.
Joe is with Virginia,
and I'm with Mary.
You wants some milk, Virginia?
[neighing]
Say, what's the matter
with that horse of yours?
He keeps breathing
in all the time.
Never breathes out.
Well, I'll tell
you the truth, bub,
but I don't want
it to get around.
He ain't really a horse.
He's a vacuum cleaner.
Gee, I'm awful glad
you like Mary, Joe,
and I'm glad she likes you,
because if the two of you
didn't hit it off, maybe I'd
feel different about what
I'm going to do.
What do you mean, Danny?
What are you gonna do?
Well, you were
with her all evening.
Didn't she tell you?
We're in love.
We're gonna get married.
Oh, Danny.
Maybe you'd better think
it over for a while.
Have you asked her?
No, not right out,
but Mary understands.
The only thing keeping us apart
right now is my varicose veins.
I sure know how to
pick 'em, don't I, Joe?
Yeah, you sure do.
But, uh, maybe you'd
better wait, Danny.
Things might be different.
But I don't want to wait, Joe.
You know, a girl like
Mary is awfully easy
to fall in love with.
She might meet somebody else,
and then where would I be?
Sure.
Look-- well, let's
get some sleep.
We'll talk about
it some other time.
[danny yawning]
Oh, there's a letter
here for you, Danny.
Oh, I'll-- look
at it in morning.
It can't be anything important.
Oh.
Joe?
Yeah?
I wish you hadn't told
me about that letter.
Now I won't be able to sleep
wondering what's in it.
Then why don't you
get up and open it?
Well, it might be bad news,
and then I'd never sleep.
Then don't open it.
But if I don't open it, I'll
be wondering what's in it,
and I'll be awake all night.
All right, all right.
I'll open it myself, or you'll
keep me awake all night.
Oh.
What's the matter?
JOE: It's nothing.
Then why did you go, huh?
Oh, uh, just a little
something in my throat,
I guess.
Oh.
That letter must be
about something, Joe.
Nobody sends you a letter
with nothing in it.
Open it up.
What is it?
Oh, it's nothing
important, Danny.
Just an add or something.
It'll keep till morning.
Oh, well, if it's only an add,
tear it up and throw it away.
Well, I can't do that.
You know it's unpatriotic
to throw away paper.
Then why did you
throw away the envelope?
Well, the envelope's just
a little piece of paper.
That's a big piece of paper.
Somebody went to a lot
of trouble to print it.
Now, go to sleep,
for the love of Mike,
Oh, I'm too nervous
to sleep now, Joe.
You've got me all upset.
[gasp]
MAN (VOICEOVER):
To Daniel Weems--
Joe--
MAN (VOICEOVER): --greetings.
It's from the President
of the United States.
MAN (VOICEOVER): Having
submitted yourself
to the local board for
the purpose of determining
your availability for service in
the armed forces of the United
States, you are hereby
notified that you
have now been selected
for training and service
in the Army.
Joe, did you hear that?
What?
Oh, nothing.
I was so nervous I
thought I heard--
Joe, I'm drafted.
They drafted me.
They can't take me, Joe.
Of course, I'd like
to be in the Army,
but they make soldiers
hike 30 miles a day.
I walk half a block,
and I get palpitations,
even with my arch supports.
I'd probably slow up
the whole company,
and lose the maneuvers, and
be dishonorably discharged,
and come home, and
never I wouldn't
be able to get a job any
place, and all my friends
would be laughing at me.
Danny, take it easy.
Take it easy.
Joe, you've gotta go
over to the draft board
and explain to them about me.
Well, I can't go now.
It's 3 o'clock in the morning.
It is?
Well, you ought to go
over and get in line.
Oh.
Maybe he's not really
sick, but he thinks he is,
and that amounts
to the same thing.
Well, the Army may be a
tough pill for him to swallow,
but I think it'll do
the trick, Mr. Nelson.
I can't figure it.
You take fellas
like Danny, and me--
I've been here dozens of
times, and there's nothing--
Mr. Nelson, you've
been supporting
your father in Chicago.
Isn't that right?
Yeah, but he's not so old.
He can find some
way to get along.
Well, this ought to be
good news for you then.
You won't have to worry
about your father anymore.
He's been drafted.
What?
That's right,
son, and so are you.
You're in 1A.
Huh?
1A?
ALL: 1A.
Well, what do you know?
Next case.
NARRATOR: And so, after many
months of strenuous training,
fresh air, regular hours,
and nourishing food,
Danny has become a new man.
Or has he?
Fine doctors
telling me I'm not
sick just because
they can't find
anything the matter with me.
You never looked better
in your life, junior.
What?
The Army agrees with you.
Regular hours, exercise.
Ah!
Last night, you
ate two steaks.
Yeah, that's one of the
worst symptoms-- over hunger.
You better get rid of
that traveling drugstore
you've got there, too.
Before long, we're
going to be carrying
only what we can carry.
Get rid of that?
Oh, look at that.
You see how nervous I am?
I spilled it all over Mary's
letter, and right on the part
where she says I'm the
nicest fella in the world.
By the way, where
is she now, Danny?
Still in Colorado.
Yeah.
Still visiting
that aunt of hers.
Funny, I never knew
she had one there.
SERGEANT: Weems!
Nelson!
Here.
SERGEANT: Come here, you guys.
I got a little detail for you.
Oh, sergeant, we
were just getting
ready for weekend leave.
Well, that's tough.
A couple of lieutenants just
arrived with a few bags,
and we're fresh out of red caps.
They're waiting for
you at the sentry gate.
Come on.
There goes our leave.
You know, if I don't
get a rest pretty soon,
I'm gonna have to
have an operation.
They can't operate
on you, junior.
With all those pills inside of
you, you'd roll off the table.
A-choo!
Sergeant Gelsen reporting
with detail as requested.
Thank you, sergeant.
Hey, Joe, lookit!
They've been drafted.
Well, how about that.
Isn't it wonderful?
Don't they look great, Joe?
Gee, I don't know whether
to salute you or kiss you.
You'd better
salute them, soldier.
Enlisted men don't talk to
officers, except in line
of duty, and don't forget it.
Yes, sergeant.
That's right, sergeant.
How do you do, sir?
Uh, ma'am.
Uh, at your service.
Better, ma'am?
Uh, sergeant?
Get their bags
and snap into it.
- Yes, sir.
- Take them down to that hotel.
Swell double date.
You can't even
talk to the girls.
Why don't you stay
in town over night?
I bet you can find a
nice room at the YMCA.
Gee, you look
great in a uniform.
Well, I always think of you
with a blue ribbon in your hair.
I'm so glad you
didn't grow a mustache
like you said you would.
You know, I entered your
picture in a beauty contest
at camp.
You came in third.
Wasn't it awfully hard to get
used to living in the same room
with 16 fellas?
You know, if I had known
you were gonna enlist,
I'd never have sent you
those silk stockings.
Oh, don't forget to remind me.
I-- I brought you
a box of cigars.
Say, uh, I wanna
get you some flowers.
Is there anything in
regulation says you can't wear
flowers when you're in uniform?
Here.
I was gonna take
these home to my wife,
but I'll get her a
derby hat instead.
Good, good.
Danny?
- Oh, no.
- Here.
No, thank you.
That's a zebra.
MARY: There.
JOE: That doesn't
look like a swan.
That looks like a
wombat or something.
Lookit, a swan is like this.
MARY: Call that a swan?
JOE: Yeah, that's a
swan with a stiff neck.
[chuckling]
Here, hold your arm like this.
Crook this finger.
Gee, your hand is cold.
Oh, it'll get warm
if you hold it a while.
I suppose you'll be
leaving soon, Joe.
Yeah, I suppose so.
Will you write to me?
Danny'll be writing
to you every day.
He'll keep you posted about me.
How about you keeping
me posted about Danny?
I don't want to do
anything to hurt him, Mary.
And you know how
he feels about you.
It just seems kind of
a bad time to knock
the pins out from under him.
Don't you think?
I guess you're right.
I wish there were some way
to wrap up a night like this
and take it along.
So do I. Well,
at least we made
beautiful shadows together.
Mary?
What, Joe?
I know how to make
a wonderful shadow.
DANNY: Joe, Mary?
What's yourself, fellas.
Hey, wait'll you
see what I found.
Virginia's over there now.
You can make one for me, and
Joe can make one for Virginia,
or they can put all
four of us on one.
Gee, I won't mind being
separated from you now, Mary.
Of course I'll mind,
but it won't be so bad.
What on earth are
you talking about?
Well, for Pete's
sake Mary, I just
told you we found a place
right near her where you can
put your own voice on a record.
Well, uh, none
of us know where
we're headed or-- or when.
It's kind of a mixed up world.
You just get started to
really know somebody,
and next thing you know,
you're telling them goodbye.
Well, all I can say is
good luck to us all.
- Oh, that's swell.
- That was swell.
[interposing voices]
Mary, [inaudible].
I don't know what to say.
Say something.
[interposing voices]
Well, I never liked--
I never like goodbyes, and--
and this way I--
I get kind of a funny
feeling, knowing
you'll be playing this when
we're thousands of miles apart.
Hurry back.
I'll be waiting.
And Danny, take good
care of yourself,
as if I have to tell you.
Well, I-- I guess that's all.
Bless you both.
Oh, gee, Mary,
that was wonderful.
Gee, Mary, that was wonderful.
I'll be playing that
record all the time,
and hearing your voice, no
matter where they send this,
it'll be just like
you were there.
In the mic.
What's the matter?
Keep on talking.
Say that again.
Keep on talking.
What's that clicking
in your throat?
Clicking?
Yeah.
You've got enlarged tonsils.
They didn't get 'em all out
when they operated, did they?
Nobody operated, not on me.
Look.
Uh-huh.
That explains everything.
You should be on
the table right now.
You know, there's lots
of people walking around
don't know how sick they are.
Ought to be in hospital.
Here's your first shrimp.
That shrimp is here.
Beat it, you.
Oh, button your lip.
Think you're a big shot
just because you're making
a lot of noise around here.
[barking]
MAN: Scram.
[barking]
Shut up!
Get out of here.
MAN: Ah, shut up.
Oh, Virginia, that
thing's still going.
Get up there.
Take her.
[interposing voices]
Oh, wait a minute.
Wait a minute.
Wait a minute, folks.
Wait a minute.
Hold it, hold it.
Now this is turning out
to be a fine record.
Now look, you've got
three minutes left.
Will you see if
you can do a little
better on the rest of it?
Well, I don't know
anything to say.
But I want to give you
something to remember me by.
Would anybody be surprised if
I sang a song at this point?
Well, it's about time.
(SINGING) I used
to be bewildered.
My outlook on life wasn't clear.
Then all at once the
mists seemed to disappear.
Now I know why I go walking
round in a wonderful glow.
There's a lot that
I'm not conscious of,
but this feeling I
feel must be love.
Now I know why it's
so, why I'm alive
and I thrive on the thrill.
Here am I riding high on a hill
far away from the usual drone
with a world of
my own at my feet
all because it was
heavenly sweet to have
planned that we meet.
Never dreamed in
my wildest dream
that I'd fall quite
so wholeheartedly.
Now I know love is all
that it's cracked up to be.
Never dreamed in
my wildest dream
that I'd fall quite
so wholeheartedly.
Now I know love is all
that it's cracked up to be.
[applause]
[inaudible].
Thank you.
Very good.
Oh, cut it out,
will ya, Blackie?
Listen, nervous.
Take it easy, Blackie.
I thought I told you
to lay off that Victrola.
The next time I catch you
fooling around with it,
I'm gonna break off
both your arms and legs,
and hit you over
the head with 'em.
Get your hands off
that record, Blackie.
OK.
Oh, Butterball, give
me that record, will ya?
- Come on.
- Oh, watch it, fellas, will ya?
You're gonna break that.
Give me it.
Listen, fellas, you're
gonna break that.
Get away.
I eat records, and I'm hungry.
Hey, fellas, you ever
see me eat a record?
Hey, wait a
minute, Butterball.
I'll get you some
ketchup for it.
Yeah, yeah, get
me some ketchup.
We'll put some ketchup on it.
OK, we'll get some ketchup.
Come on.
Where is it?
Let's get over here.
- Get out of the way.
- Come on.
Come one.
- Here we are.
OK, sarge, shake it up there.
My medicine.
What have you done
with my medicine?
I put it all in one bottle
so as we could conserve space.
- Hey, spill some on here.
- OK.
That's it.
Get it all over.
Hey, come here, you.
[inaudible] give
him a shampoo.
No, make him drink it.
Stuff it down his
throat, Blackie.
Good idea.
[inaudible] stand around
and watch him explode.
Hey, you goons.
Hey, hey, cut it out!
Who's doing that?
Yeah, you two-- you've been
picking on Danny long enough.
Now cut it out or I'm gonna
crack your heads together
like a couple of coconuts.
Listen, meathead, you're
gonna crack whose heads
together like what coconuts?
Yeah, that's
what I wanna know.
Hey, fellas!
Hey, fellas!
[inaudible]
It's come!
No!
No, no, no!
Wait a minute.
[interposing voices]
Wait a minute.
It's just like I've
been telling you.
What?
What?
- We're shoving off.
- Really?
Who told you that?
We're shoving off
right this minute.
What do you mean?
[interposing voices]
No, come here.
Look.
Look for yourself.
Get a load of this.
Maybe he's telling the truth.
Hey, Joe.
Now do you believe me?
DANNY: Oh, brother.
MAN: Oh, boy, it looks
like the third platoon
is going out right there.
Hey, look at the guns!
MAN: Yeah.
DANNY: Hey, Joe, we're
really leaving, I guess.
MAN: Danny, lookit!
There goes that
gold brick outfit.
MAN: Hey, hey, look!
They've got a hospital
truck just for me.
Attention.
All right, men, get
everything ready.
Full packs and helmets.
This company moves out
in exactly one half hour.
Snap to it.
Come on, Danny.
Get your pills.
[chatter]
Hey, [inaudible],, don't
forget to take your pills.
How am I gonna get
ready in a half hour, Joe?
You won't if you don't
stop worry and start packing.
Well, why do they give us
such short notice all the time?
Oh, Joe, what about Mary?
She'll be awfully worried.
I can't go away without
saying goodbye to Mary.
Maybe I'll never
see her again, Joe.
Maybe never.
That's quite a while.
A lot of fellas in
that same spot, Danny.
Come on.
Get going.
OK, you take it.
Thanks.
Goodbye, Veronica.
Hey, what am I talking about?
You're going with us.
I'm going, too.
Get out of here.
Hey, Butterball, you
seen anything of Danny?
Not since we left camp.
Hey, you know, LT--
[inaudible] is not at rest.
Cut out the talking.
Uh, yes, sir--
ma'am-- lieutenant.
That will be all!
Danny, you're not making sense.
What is it that was a
matter of life and death?
Why did you have
to come down here?
Mary, don't you understand?
We're leaving.
There's only a few
more minutes left,
and the most terrible
thing has happened.
Virginia's going with
us on the same boat,
and it's right there.
For heaven sake's, what's
so terrible about that?
She's a wonderful girl,
and she likes you.
Yeah, but she's not you.
Well, if she can go, you can go.
What?
Maybe you could
even take her place.
I could talk to the
colonel, and explain,
and tell him that the only--
But Danny, you're
not running the Army.
You can't just put me on a boat.
Yeah.
How did you ever know
where you were sailing from?
- Oh--
- Oh, no, no.
Don't tell me.
You know you could
be shot at sunrise.
Just because I--
No, don't tell me.
Oh, I've gotta get out of here.
What's the matter?
Oh, it's your sergeant.
S-- s-- sergeant?
Quick.
You'd better get in there.
Oh, no.
I can't get in--
Come on.
It's all right.
I left my rifle
and pack in there.
Hey, Lynn.
Have you seen anything
of Danny Weems?
Yeah, I saw him a minute
ago talking to a nurse.
I think I know where he went.
Come on.
You stay in there.
I'll see if the coast is clear.
Oh, cut it out,
will ya, Blackie?
Mary!
Mary!
Mary!
Mary!
Let her down!
Let her down!
Mary!
Mary!
Mary!
What's going on here?
Mar-- oh.
Get down off there.
Yes, sir, Colonel Ashley.
Well, what is it?
[stuttering]
I was just saying
goodbye to my truck, sir.
Truck?
Uh, yeah, I call it Mary.
Mary?
Uh, yeah, well--
oh, you know the way the
flyers name their planes?
Well, you've heard of the
Daisy Mae and the Susie Q?
That's the Mary Ann.
Uh, goodbye, Mary.
Bye.
- What is this?
What is this?
Report to your company at once.
- Yes, sir.
- Fasten your belt.
Yes, sir.
Well, that's all.
Yes, sir.
(SINGING) There's a
mighty rumble in the air.
And the rumble's
going everywhere.
It's the echo of
a simple prayer.
People pray to be saved
from the tyrants [inaudible]
and the tyrant must be
crushed, so here we go.
ALL: (SINGING) All out freedom.
It's all out for freedom.
Who dares to take it away?
10 million Yankees
and standing pat.
And the world knows
that is a pain.
That which we carry
was not one to bury.
We'll need to keep it or die.
Who's [inaudible] Yankee
[inaudible],, like our
[inaudible] we shall call
out for freedom to the sky.
That's the Yankee
doodle man reply.
All out for freedom.
It's all out for freedom.
Who dares to take it away?
10 million Yankees
are standing pat
and the world knows
that is a pain.
That which we carry
was not hard to bury.
We need to keep it or die.
[inaudible] we shall call
out fro freedom to the sky.
That's the Yankee
doodle man reply.
All out for freedom.
It's all out for freedom.
Who dares to take it away?
10 million Yankees
are standing pat.
And the world knows
that is a pain.
That which we carry
was not one to bury.
We'll need to keep it or die.
To the last Yankee
[inaudible] we shall call
out for freedom to the sky.
That's the Yankee
doodle man reply.
That which we carry
was not one to bury.
We'll need to kee it or die.
[inaudible] without a ship.
We'll just keep on [inaudible].
Well, should we go and
have a word with the captain?
All right, sir.
Come along, gentlemen.
Hey, Joe.
Psst!
What's all the mystery about?
Well, something a little
unexpected has happened.
It's made me so sick I--
I hadn't had a chance
to get seasick.
Well, where are we going?
Down in the hold.
Wait'll you see what I've got.
Well, whatever it
is, can't it wait?
No, it'd starve.
You mean it's alive?
I-- I hope so.
No, that's not the one.
Joe!
Mary!
What are you doing--
- Shh!
Well, what is she doing--
Shh!
Holy cats.
This is all I
could get, Mary--
pretzels and-- and--
and-- and bananas.
I hope you're not thirsty.
Well, tell me.
What's going on?
How did this happen?
It's a long story, Joe.
I don't even want
to hear it myself.
Well, the colonel's
going to hear it.
What?
I'll just have to tell
him what happened, Danny.
Oh.
Mary, I-- I hate
to bring this up.
It's only a small detail, but if
you tell the colonel the truth,
I'll be shot at sunrise--
as early as that.
Oh, why didn't that draft
board listen to me when
I told them not to take you.
Shh!
Get back in there.
Stay where you are.
I tell you, I heard something.
Isn't there
livestock in this hold?
[danny barking]
It's a dog.
[danny barking]
Shh!
[danny barking]
Sounds vicious.
[danny barking]
I hate dogs.
[danny barking]
MAN: If he comes at
you, take a shot at it.
Don't come at me.
[danny barking]
I got hydrophobia.
[danny barking]
What's going on here?
I've got a dog in my throat.
Some people have
frogs, but I have a--
[honk]
I, uh-- that is, we
were looking for C deck.
Come on.
Get out of there.
Come on.
What gives?
- Speak up, soldier.
Speak up.
I, uh--
I bought a little gun,
and I learned to shoot.
I bought a little horn,
and I learned to too.
Now I can't shoot and toot and
[inaudible] [blows raspberry]..
Why, you!
Hey, hey!
What?
[danny barking]
Hey, hey, hey!
DANNY: These pills
are on me, boys.
[danny barking]
[band playing]
What's happened to Mary?
I haven't had a
chance to get away.
We've got to figure some
way to sneak her out.
Joe, she's already snuck.
What?
[whistle]
I couldn't her in the hold.
The air is full
of dust particles.
Where you're going the
windows are full of bars.
Yes.
Hm.
Look, she's got her uniform on
underneath my fatigue clothes.
If she can get through this
crowd up to the officers deck,
then all we have to do is
get her to the nurses deck.
Yeah, but--
There's 106 of them on board.
Nobody'll notice if there's 107.
Virginia'll help us.
I'll tell her.
Psst!
Uh, captain, would
you be sweet enough
to get my musette bag.
I left it over there
somewhere on a chair.
Certainly, lieutenant.
Thank you so much.
Hello, Danny.
Where can we go and be alone?
Oh, Danny.
I've gotta get you
alone right away.
Well, well.
Listen, if we could
find a dark place
somewhere, just you and I.
Oh, this salt air is
doing you a lot of good.
Uh-huh.
And how about a life boat?
Uh, what is this, honey?
Commando tactics?
No.
Virginia, you don't understand.
Oh, yes, I do.
By popular request, Lt.
Virginia Merrill will sing.
"Tess's Torch Song."
[applause]
Oh, I've gotta go sing
now, but I'll be back.
Now, don't go away.
[applause]
(SINGING) Here is a
story 'bout a gal.
Folks called her totty Tess.
Because she trusted,
her heart got busted.
Love made her life a mess.
It evidently was an awful blow,
for this is word for her word
for Tess's tale of woe.
I had a man.
He was a good man.
That is, you see, what I mean
is I thought he was a good man.
I had a friend.
She was a good friend.
I told my friend
'bout my man 'cause I
thought she was a good friend.
Life was sweet.
Didn't I have my man?
World complete.
Then the fireworks began.
Ain't got no man.
Ain't got no friend.
I'll bet you can guess
just exactly what happened.
That was the end, the end of
my friend, the end of my man,
and almost the end of me.
ALL: (SINGING) She had a man.
Oh, yes.
Yes, I had a man.
ALL: He was a good man.
That is, you see, what I mean
is I thought he was a good man.
ALL: She had a friend.
I had a friend.
I said I had a friend.
ALL: She was a good friend.
I told my friend
'bout my man 'cause I
thought she was a good friend.
Life was sweet.
Didn't I have my man, my man?
World complete.
Then the fireworks began.
Ain't got no man.
Ain't got no friend.
I bet you can guess just
exactly what happened.
That was the end, the end of
my friend, the end of my man,
and darn near the end of me--
of me.
ALL: Was darn near
the end of me.
[applause]
Uh, Colonel Ashley!
Colonel Ashley!
Uh, well, fellas, you
all know the colonel.
You-- you all know
the colonel offered
the prize for best original song
about the life of a soldier.
Well, I, uh-- uh--
[stuttering]
I've been composing one,
but I haven't learned all
the words that Joe wrote yet.
That is, that I wrote.
We're writing now.
Uh-- uh-- that we--
why-- why-- why, I'll recite
"Gunga Din" by Rudyard Kipling.
Oh, no you won't.
Oh, no I won't.
Uh, how about I--
well-- well, I'll
try the new song.
I don't know it very well,
but-- uh, Rudy, if you'll--
well, I can-- thanks.
(SINGING) Oh, they passed
a law down in Washington DC.
ALL: (SINGING) Yes, yes!
Yes, they passed a law
down in Washington DC.
Yes, they did.
That's what they did.
They passed a law
down in Washington DC.
Yankee Doodle's going
to town, and they
want young fellas like me.
In a goldfish bowl
new and shiny,
they went eeny, meeny, miney,
and cried, hey, young, pup,
you knocked us out.
[scatting]
The mailman.
[scatting]
Questionnaire.
[scatting]
The mailman.
[scatting]
Report to doctor.
[scatting]
Fine specimen.
Oh no.
[scatting]
Flat feet.
[scatting]
1A!
Hey!
[scatting]
High left.
[scatting]
Hi right.
[scatting]
Left, right, right, left.
Oh, the sergeant.
[scatting]
Get out of there.
[scatting]
Left, right, right,
left, left, right.
Make up your mind.
[scatting]
Shut up.
[scatting]
Peel potatoes.
[scatting]
Hey [inaudible].
[scatting]
[applause]
[knocking]
Hey.
Yeah?
Mary?
Oh, Joe.
Come on.
Joe, I'm scared.
It's all right.
Come on.
Where are we going?
Danny's gone up and set
everything up with Virginia.
He's gonna meet us
in a few minutes.
Gee, you look cute
in that outfit.
Well, I feel like
Tuesday afternoon
in a wet wash laundry.
We might as well
wait here for Danny.
Oh, I got the shivers.
Are you cold,
honey-- uh, Mary?
A little.
Mostly frightened.
Well, here.
That better?
Much better, Joe.
This is like being in
front of a warm fire
and it's snowing outside.
I kind of like it, too.
We must do this more often.
Remind me of that, will you?
Three times a day
for the next 40 years.
40 years.
Well, I wonder--
What?
Well, I was just wondering
what these uniforms will look
like when we take 'em
out of a trunk someday,
and shake the moth
balls out of 'em, and go
marching in a parade
on the Fourth of July.
Joe, do you really think
it'll be a better world?
I'm sure of it.
Gosh, it's a better
world already.
[whistling]
That's him.
Hey!
Hey!
- Oh.
Come here.
Everything's arranged.
Come on.
We go.
Hey, I better take her, Danny.
No, no, Joe.
I can get away with it
much better than you can.
I've been up to the
dispensary so many times
they think I live there.
Come on.
Well, good luck,
and be careful.
I'll wait here for you, Danny.
Hey, wait a minute.
Do you know your way?
Do I know my way?
You go up the third
companionway on the starboard,
then cross to the port side
through the [inaudible]
on the left, then
turn right on B deck
up the third ladder to C deck,
nip through the paint locker
to the second corridor, two
turns right, one turn left,
then you double back.
It's a cinch.
It's this way.
Well, haven't you
any idea where we are?
No.
They must have turned
the boat around.
Oh, Danny.
Shh!
[yawning]
Who is it?
That you, Meeker?
Oh.
[switch clicking]
[yawning]
[yawning]
Who are you?
Uh-- uh, me?
Well, who are you?
Uh, (SCOTTISH ACCENT),
Private MacTavish, sir.
Well, get up.
Come out of there.
Well, what's going on here?
Uh, uh, it's a [gibberish].
Very [gibberish],,
very [gibberish]..
COLONEL ASHLEY: On your feet.
It's a wee bit of
mistake, colonel.
I was always looking
for me bagpipe,
and I mistook a wee
bit of your quarters
for a wee bit of
my quarters, sir.
Sorry, sir.
MacTavish, you're
under arrest.
Aye, sir.
Uh, I was looking
for me bagpipe, sir.
[stuttering]
You're drunk.
Report to ship's brig.
Aye, sir.
Private MacTavish places
himself under arrest, sir.
[inaudible] sir.
[screaming]
It's a wee bit of a mouse, sir.
What?
Oh, which is a
[gibberish] bagpipes.
COLONEL ASHLEY: There
are two of them!
Call for the guards!
Come back here!
Come back here!
One of them's a woman!
Call for the guards!
Yes, sir.
Arrest that man.
Those men.
- One of them's a woman.
Well, what are you
standing there for?
[inaudible]
Danny, no.
This is full of men.
Shh!
There's my bed.
Get in it.
Why?
I-- I mean, get under it.
[snoring]
Well, I might as well
take a look across the way.
Hey, Danny, I can't stay here.
I know.
But I can't think
of any other place.
[grumbling]
Hey, you.
You!
- Yeah?
Yeah?
Who are you talking to?
Oh, to me.
I always talk to
myself in my sleep.
Yeah?
You always sleep with your
head hanging onto the floor?
Oh, sure.
Keeps the blood from
rushing to my feet.
Well, you wake me up
again, and your blood'll
be rushing all over the boat.
[alarm]
[danny chirping]
What are you doing?
Oh, Veronica.
Where you been, Veronica?
Come out into the
garden with me.
I wouldn't have you
wear it any other way.
Say something, sweetie.
Say something.
(HIGH PITCHED VOICE)
I have to go now.
I have to go to the hairdresser.
[inaudible] Veronica.
Yes, I do.
You?
Hey, what'd you
do with Veronica?
I don't--
I don't know.
She had to go.
She had to go to
the hairdresser.
You dirty double crosser,
what are you doing here?
I was walking in my sleep.
When-- when I walk in my sleep,
I gotta talk in my sleep,
but I can't talk unless I walk.
Isn't this a beautiful night?
Ah.
[grumbling]
[danny doing reveille]
[grumbling]
Everybody up.
All right, reveille, boys.
Everybody up.
Come on.
Everybody gets out of bed.
That's it.
Come on.
Inside.
Last one up's a rotten egg.
Beautiful morning?
Wait a minute.
It's dark outside.
That's fog.
Dark fog.
Reveille?
It feels like I
just went to bed.
No, it only seems like
you just went to bed.
Come on.
Everybody up.
Time flies when you're busy.
Hey, you just woke
me up a minute ago.
Oh, you're
sleepwalking, Blackie.
Wake up.
Wake up.
Come on.
Wake up.
Everybody out.
That's the spirit.
Come on.
Hey, what's the
matter with you?
Will you cut it out?
[interposing voices]
First company out on deck!
Not here, Blackie.
- What?
Over there.
There's a draft here.
- Hey, cut it out.
- You'll catch cold over there.
Cut it out, or
I'll [inaudible]..
Wonder where I put 'em?
I can't find 'em anywhere.
Oh, look out!
Look out!
- Hey, what's that?
- Oh, look out.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
I got it.
What's the matter with you?
There was a
spider on your head.
- A spider?
- Yeah, a big one.
Where?
There he is.
Oh, what's the
matter with you?
There was a big spider.
You been taking
too many pills, jack.
There's a spider [inaudible].
Ah, shut up.
I wonder where I put my drawers.
Don't say that.
That's a naughty word.
What, drawers?
No, no, no!
Ah, cut it out.
You know, I'll be
glad when I can sleep
like I used to-- bare naked.
Now don't say the word naked.
Huh?
We don't want words
like that in our quarters.
Don't forget, fellas,
this is our home.
[laughter]
Horace, would you mind
passing me my unmentionables?
Now wait a minute--
Just a second, Percy,
till I put on my wimple.
Oh, my, my, Ferdinand.
What a beautiful snoot you have.
[laughter]
Woo woo.
Woo woo.
ALL: Rooty toot, rooty toot.
We are the boys
of the institute.
[inaudible]
What's going on here?
Hey, guys, look at Joe.
He's up already and all dressed.
Come on, Butterball.
Get dressed.
That's setting a very
good example, Joe.
Well, what's everybody
doing up so early?
It's only 4:00--
- Ah!
Hey, what's that?
Only 4:00.
(SINGING) Only the duration,
and then we'll take a vacation,
and sleep, and sleep,
and sleep, and sleep,
and then we'll take a--
Well, Danny, what's all the--
Mary's under the la-la-la.
We've gotta get the fellas out.
What's that?
The fellas up on the deck.
And up, and up, and up, and up.
Hit the deck.
[inaudible].
And the wind
a-blows [inaudible]..
[inaudible].
[inaudible].
Where is she?
Where's who?
Oh, where's the salt
and the spray [inaudible]
on the deck in the [inaudible].
Hey, what kind of
an outfit is this?
Oh.
Wow.
All right, Mary.
Joe, darling.
Oh, Mary.
Oh, I'm so happy to see you.
Oh, you don't know what
we've been through.
I don't know whether
to laugh or cry.
Don't worry, darling.
I'll take care of everything.
Oh, just let me
stay here a minute.
I'm sorry, Danny.
We didn't plan it this way.
It just happened.
Oh, Danny, we didn't mean to.
It's all right [inaudible].
Better get her out of here, Joe.
Yeah.
Platoon, attention!
At ease.
All right, men, sound off
when I call your names.
Jones!
Here!
No.
No.
Taller man.
Bogland.
Here!
No.
Thinner.
Here he comes, Joe.
Yeah, here he comes, and
you better stop shaking.
If he recognizes you,
he'll have you shot.
MAN: Black!
BLACK: Here!
Well, I was only good
for a few months anyway.
MAN: [inaudible].
MAN: Here.
But I didn't want to
die from the colonel, Joe.
I wanted to die in a hospital.
MAN: Tim.
TIM: Here.
With some flowers, and nurses,
and maybe a little fruit.
MAN: Rhodes.
Here.
MAN: Weems!
What's your name?
Patrick O'Houlihan sir.
O'Houlihan, eh?
Uh, yes, sir.
Oh, and the top of the morning
to you, for a fine [inaudible]
of a colonel you are.
May you get to kiss
the Blarney Stone
and spend every
minute of your life
in the shadow of the statue of
St. Patrick, and [gibberish]..
What?
[scatting]
Goodbye, Joe.
Grab him!
Come on, Weems.
The colonel wants to see you.
All right, I'm coming.
Well, bring him here.
Bring him here.
I surrender, sir.
O'Houlihan, eh?
Yes, sir.
Aren't you also Private Weems?
Well, aren't you?
Yes, sir.
I want to tell you
everything, colonel.
I'm also Private MacTavish.
See?
[gibberish]
What?
Oh, I just had
to do it, colonel.
I had to.
I was protecting a certain lady.
And I know as one
gentleman to another
you won't ask me who she is.
Oh, I won't, eh?
Well, here are
your glasses, sir.
I just used them
for a little while,
but I took very good
care of them, and now--
Well, that's very kind of you.
Thank you.
Here.
Oh!
What's that clicking
in your throat?
What did you say?
Nothing, sir.
Nothing.
Thanks for the glasses, sir.
Well, who was the girl?
I don't know.
Who did she say?
She doesn't know.
Don't keep me in suspense.
What did he do with her?
Well, he tried to hide
her, and they landed right
in the colonel's state room.
No.
Said he thought it
was the boiler room.
What happened then?
Well, then he sneaked
her into his own bunk room.
That sounds interesting.
Hm?
Oh, yes, well they
questioned him for hours,
but he refused to
give the girl's name.
Said it was the unwritten law.
Listen, you officers,
I heard that there was
going to be an investigation.
They're going to
check up on all of us.
Well, anyway,
I'm in the clear.
Are you sure?
Yes.
I couldn't squeeze
under a soldier's bunk.
Darn it.
[chuckling]
We never had anything
like this in the last war.
Sergeant, we don't have
anything like it in this war
either.
Gosh, how could a guy
who looks like a canary
turn out to be a wolf?
This fellow Weems'll probably
go down in history books.
What are you dishing?
Shh.
Say, by the way,
where were you
last night when
you said you were
out getting some fresh air.
I was out getting
some fresh air.
Disappointed?
Hey, maybe it was
the girl's idea.
Maybe she was chasing after him.
Why, Joanna.
That'd change things
considerably, wouldn't it?
You ever heard of a
girl being arrested
for overpowering a man?
Not where I come from.
[laughter]
Hello.
Hello.
- Hi.
- Hello.
Hello.
Hey, Virginia, do you
think anybody noticed me?
No.
No.
But did you hear
what that girl said?
Uh-huh.
Mary, suppose you
went to Colonel Ashley
and told him that you
were the aggressor.
What?
That you sneaked in
Danny's bunk room because--
because, well, you couldn't
keep away from him.
[chuckling]
Well, that'd take
the blame off Danny
and get him out of the brig.
That's what you want, isn't it?
Uh-huh, but-- uh-uh.
They'd find out
I'm a stowaway, and
Danny's responsible for that.
They'd probably
shoot the both of us.
No.
I-- I guess you couldn't do it.
Hey.
COLONEL ASHLEY: Try to remember.
How did you get there?
I don't remember
how I got to his room.
Or when.
All I remember is the
moonlight and the music
coming from nowhere.
Coming from where?
From nowhere, sir.
Yeah, make a note of that.
Yes, sir.
I must say I can't understand
this man's hypnotic power.
He doesn't seem to
be the type at all.
Well, if he'd ever held
you close in his arms,
you understand, Colonel Ashley.
Yes, I daresay.
Lt. Merrill, you astound me.
You've got a fine record.
You don't appear to be the
type of girl who would--
Oh, you don't know me
at all, Colonel Ashley.
And I don't know you--
not really, I don't.
But I bet you weren't always
so stern and unapproachable.
Yes, well, uh, my character
is not under discussion.
No, sir, but you
were young once.
Maybe you can still understand
what it's like to lie here
night after night,
restless, lonely,
longing to throw your
arms about someone,
to feel the touch of
his lips on yours.
[clearing throat]
No.
No, I reckon you don't know
what that means, Colonel Ashley.
Well, I should think not.
Well, I tried to fight it off,
but it was stronger than I was.
Then suddenly it happened.
COLONEL ASHLEY: What happened?
There was a purple flash.
Purple flash?
And the next
thing I knew I was--
I'm sorry.
I was breaking down his door.
And there he was.
Where?
Lying there, asleep.
Helpless.
I came closer.
And closer.
And--
That's close enough.
Lt. Merrill, you are
confined to your quarters
till further notice.
VIRGINIA: Yes, sir.
And that'll be all.
Yes, sir.
Well, this alters
the case against Weems.
How is that, sir?
Well, you can't very
well punish the catnip
for the behavior of the cat.
Release Private
Weems from the brig.
All right, sir.
Colonel, you really don't
believe that story, do you?
Certainly not, but I'd like
to read the last chapter.
Give him a little rope.
See that they're
both closely watched.
They'll hang themselves.
All right, sir.
Purple flash.
And here he is--
the purple flash.
Oh, cut it out,
will ya, fellas?
I ain't in the mood.
He ain't in the mood.
He ain't romantical.
Imagine.
They say a dame broke down
his door to get to him.
I heard it was two
dames with hatchets.
One of 'em got away.
I, uh, thought his pal
Joe was the great lover.
Yeah, I guess he is.
Say, flash, what's in
them pills you been eating?
Hey, lover, roll them big
blue eyes for us, will ya?
Yeah, come on.
Hop to it [inaudible].
Come on.
[interposing voices]
Just stop it, fellas.
Hey, Blackie, I want
to ask you a favor.
BLACKIE: Yeah?
Would you do me a favor?
No.
I just wanted to use your
phonograph for a little while.
You got some nerve
after what you done.
What did I done?
ALL: Last one up's a rotten egg.
Black fog.
Yeah, you still owe
me three hours sleep.
I catch you taking
anything else,
I'm gonna reach down your
throat, grab you by the feet,
and turn you inside out.
Maybe you'd look
better that way.
JOE (ON PHONOGRAPH):
Well, uh, none of us
know where we're headed or when.
It's a mixed up world.
MARY (ON PHONOGRAPH): This way
I get kind of a funny feeling
knowing that you'll
be playing this when
we're thousands of miles apart.
Hey, Blackie,
are my eyes pink?
Nah, only the
white part's pink.
That guy, nervous,
says I got pinkeye.
And I breathe in, and
I don't breathe out.
I breathe out.
He says I got arteriosclerosis.
Yeah, what's that?
It means I got too much liver.
I'm a walking butcher shop.
Shh.
MARY (ON PHONOGRAPH): Oh, Danny,
take good care of yourself.
How do you like that guy?
He's in trouble with one
dame, and he's already
got another one in there.
Yeah?
MARY (ON PHONOGRAPH): Well.
I guess that's all.
Take-- take good
care of yourself.
Hurry back.
DANNY (ON PHONOGRAPH): Oh,
gee, Mary, that was wonderful.
Oh.
[pounding]
Gee, Mary, that was wonderful.
I'll be playing that
record all the time
and hearing your voice no
matter where they send us.
[pounding]
[shouting]
Hey, what's going on here?
Uh.
DANNY (ON PHONOGRAPH): What's
that clicking in your throat?
Huh?
DANNY (ON PHONOGRAPH):
You know, there's
lots of people walking around,
don't know how sick they are.
Ought to be in hospital.
How's that?
MAN (ON PHONOGRAPH):
Here's your fresh shrimp.
That shrimp is here.
Oh, I'm a shrimp, am I?
MAN (ON PHONOGRAPH):
Ah, button your lip.
Think you're a big shot
just because you're making
a lot of noise around here.
Shrimp!
Shrimp!
They're hot.
They're tasty, they're fresh.
[honking]
[barking]
[honking]
[barking]
MAN (ON PHONOGRAPH): Shut up.
- The guy's going nuts.
MAN (ON PHONOGRAPH):
Get out of here.
MARY (ON PHONOGRAPH): Look out.
Stop.
You're tickling me.
Tickling you?
I ain't even touched you.
Oh, would anybody be
surprised if I sang a song?
MAN (ON PHONOGRAPH):
Well, it's about time.
MARY (ON PHONOGRAPH): (SINGING)
Now I know why I go walking
round in a wonderful glow.
There's a lot that
I'm not conscious of,
but this feeling I
feel must be love.
Now I-- now I-- now I--
now I-- now I--
now I-- now I-- now
I-- now I-- now I--
now I-- now I know.
Now we both know.
Girls, girls, girls.
Beautiful girls.
Purple flash.
Big lover.
Girls.
Beautiful girls.
MAN: There he goes,
the purple flash.
BLACKIE: The purple flash.
MAN: [inaudible] flash.
BUTTERBALL: What's in them
pills you been eating?
MAN: It's the purple
flash, the great lover.
BLACKIE: Hey, lover, roll
them great big blue eyes.
MAN: That's him,
the purple flash.
COLONEL ASHLEY: Arrest that man.
MAN: They broke his
door down to get to him.
[laughter]
MAN: The purple flash.
[laughter]
[scatting]
I do.
[scatting]
I do.
[scatting]
(SINGING) Love-- it can get
you in the strangest messes.
I know your story well.
It's just like tortured Tess's.
You had a gal.
(SINGING) [inaudible]
mama, what a gal was marry.
She was your best gal.
Oh, beat me, daddy,
what a pal was Mary.
That is, you see,
what I mean is you
thought she was your best gal.
[inaudible].
I had a friend.
Oh, Joe, Joe, Joe, the
Rock of G--Gibraltar.
He was my best friend.
So, so, so, so sweet
as chocolate malted.
I told my friend
'bout my gal 'cause I
thought he was my best friend.
[inaudible].
Life was sweet.
I was happy man.
World complete.
Then came the bust up
that busted my crust up.
The fireworks began.
You lost your gal.
Oh, murder Jackson,
blows those blues for me.
You lost your friend.
Oh, murder, murder
in the first degree.
I got a feeling that
something will happen.
BOTH: This won't be the end.
No, no.
I'll find a new friend.
Yes, yes.
I'll find a new gal.
Ho, ho.
This won't be the end of me.
Well, zoop.
Well, root.
Well, well, I'll root
with a heppa, heppa,
heppa, and a step, step, step.
Greetings, [inaudible].
How you been?
Feeling great.
Give me some skin.
Looking sharp.
Sharp as a harp.
Feeling keen?
Oh, keen as a bean.
No tears for Mary?
They're dry as the prairie.
No woe for Joe?
Oh, no, no, no.
No beating the grave?
Nay, nay, nay.
No busted ticker?
Ticker ticking slicker.
Well, toast me, Melba.
Is this is a fact?
Meet me, daddy, and
I'll hit you back.
BOTH: Well, zoot.
Well, root.
Well, well, I'll root
with a heppa, heppa,
heppa, and a step, step, step.
Hey, good looking.
Whatcha is a-cooking?
Feeling groovy?
Groovy as a movie.
Soft and mellow.
Mellow as a cello.
Born to be with chicken.
Now you's a-clicking.
No [inaudible].
Solid jack.
Well, ration me some passion.
Pitch me some woo.
I'm a button glutton.
Smackeroo.
Well, drill me, lance.
I'm well all right.
Slap me, mama, 'cause
it's Saturday night.
BOTH: Well, zoot.
Well, boot.
Well, well, I'll root
with a heppa, heppa,
heppa, and a step, step, step.
[scatting]
Well, zoot.
Well, boot.
Well, well, I'll root
with a hep, hep, hep!
Mary.
Mary.
Mary.
Mary.
My name's Bertha Sewella.
No.
Mary.
Mary.
Private Weems?
Here, let me in here.
Who's Mary?
Mary Morgan, the girl
I smuggled onto the boat.
- Uh-oh.
- Huh?
- Make a note of that, Meeker.
- Yes, sir.
Better look into this captain.
Yes, sir.
Did you say Mary Morgan?
Yes, Mary.
What are you doing in my dreams?
You're not a beautiful girl.
Well, I should think not.
His pulse is normal, sir.
Well, get the rest of
him normal and lock him up.
You hear me?
Lock him up.
Yes, sir.
Well, it was a nice
dream while it lasted.
NARRATOR: And so, after spending
many long hours in the brig,
our hero reaches Baguna,
the isle of dreams,
the garden spot of the Pacific,
a lush tropical paradise
to spend many more
hours in the brig.
Please, come here.
Blackie!
Blackie!
Butterball!
A million islands
in the Pacific, and we
gotta land on one
with no canteen,
no hula girls, and no Japs.
You gotta get
it to me, fellas.
It's been weeks now.
I'm going crazy.
I warn you.
I warn you!
If I don't get my vitamins,
it'll overexcite my thyroid,
and anything can happen!
Maybe we ought to
get reinforcements.
Yeah.
Oh, now really, fellas?
I've lived with Danny
Weems for 12 years, sir.
I admit he's got kind of a
genius for stirring up trouble,
but he always means well.
He wouldn't hurt a fly.
Private Weems is not
charged with hurting flies.
However, when I look over
the list of his offenses,
it appears to me that's the
only crime he hasn't committed.
But Colonel Ashley, I'm
just as much to blame,
and I'm perfectly willing to--
She had nothing
to do with it, sir.
It was all an accident,
and then on the ship,
she wanted to tell you the
truth, and I wouldn't let her.
That will be all.
This investigation has
produced no evidence
that alters the case.
Has it?
No, sir.
Then Private Weems will face a
court martial as I've directed.
And until that can be arranged--
MAN: Colonel Ashley?
Private Weems has, uh--
If you please.
Sorry, sir.
Until that can be arranged,
he will remain under arrest.
Now, what is it you want?
Private Weems
has escaped, sir.
What?
Weren't there any guards there?
Yes, sir, are they're
still there, sir.
You mean to tell me that
Weems did this all by himself?
Yes, sir, but I can't
figure it out, sir.
He was a man with
no muscles at all.
Yeah, yeah.
Well, look at that place.
Well, there's one thing.
He got his health back, anyhow.
Well, what happened?
Well, I don't know, sir.
It all happened so
quick, didn't it Blackie?
Yeah, he must have
had accomplices, sir.
They came from behind
and overpowered us.
Captain, send out
a searching party.
Yes, sir.
Why did you fellas have
to pick on me, anyway?
If you think the Americans
are gonna to think I escaped,
you're crazy.
They'll know you did
it, and they'll know
there's Japs on this island.
And you'll see
what'll happen then.
[speaking japanese].
[danny repeating]
How do you like that?
They can't speak English,
but I can speak Japanese.
[inaudible] and
[inaudible] of antiaircraft.
Well, how many men?
Men?
Men.
Oh.
Let me see.
Now, there's, um--
there's a fellow
called George Motteltrow.
He-- he's a little
fella from Detroit.
Has a rubber [inaudible].
[inaudible].
And we-- then there's,
uh, Robert Clockelpoop.
He has hay fever all the time.
Never mind about the men.
What about tanks?
T-- tanks?
Tanks?
Oh, tanks.
Uh, tanks.
Well, there's, uh-- oh,
we have a great big tank.
We keep hot water
in it all the time.
Enough of this foolishness!
Oh.
Well, I'm trying to
think, but that thing hurt
my head all the time, and I--
I-- well, maybe if you let
me take one of my pills,
I could think more clearly.
It would clear my head, and
I'd tell you everything.
[chuckling]
You think this is a
headache pill, don't you?
Well, you're wrong mister Tojo.
We carry a thing like this
just for such an emergency.
It's cyanide of potassium.
No, it's too late.
I've already drunk it.
One drop-- one drop
will kill 100 men.
In one second, I'll be dead,
and dead men tell no tales.
[screaming]
You see?
It's started already.
[crash]
MAN: [speaking japanese].
(JAPANESE ACCENT)
If you don't talk,
I will put two in your head.
(NO ACCENT) Oh, oh, no.
(JAPANESE ACCENT) Yes!
Yes!
[inaudible] you must talk.
I will [inaudible].
How many tanks?
How many tanks? (NO
ACCENT) That's all I know.
I told you everything.
[speaking japanese].
[soldiers shouting]
[speaking japanese].
[speaking japanese].
[speaking japanese].
[speaking japanese].
[speaking japanese].
[speaking japanese].
NARRATOR: Oh, look at that.
What do you know?
Danny's captured 'em
all single handed,
but he's still in plenty of
trouble with the colonel.
Oh, here's the colonel now.
But please, Colonel Ashley,
if you'll only let me explain.
Lt. Morgan, you're in trouble
enough yourself without trying
to intercede for Private Weems.
- But colonel--
Oh, I know.
I know.
He's a hero, but he's
violated every conceivable
military regulation.
If I can only find some
extenuating circumstance,
such as a--
a mental lapse.
Oh, he has those
all the time, sir.
Well, he's been with
Major Brock all afternoon--
a complete psychiatric
examination.
And Major Brock's as fine
a doctor as you'll find--
oh, here's the major now.
Well, major, what's the verdict?
Him?
Oh, I'd rather not discuss that.
I've-- I've got to get to bed.
Bed?
Bed?
What's this?
Hm?
Yeah.
Oh.
You're all right.
It's me.
Look.
Look at my eyes.
I blink four times a second.
I'm-- I'm breathing
through my liver.
I'm buckling at the knees.
I've got a-- I've got
a click in my throat.
Look at my tongue.
I have ichthyosis colitis.
That can only happen to a fish.
Well, hello.
Oh, nurses.
Get a hold of me.
What am I doing?
I don't know
whether I'm supposed
to take three
pills at 10 o'clock
or 10 pills at 3 o'clock.
BOTH: What?
Hm?
Well, never mind.
I'll-- I'll take 'em all now.
Oh.
Next patient, please.
Oh, well, say ah.
- Ah.
- Ooh.
Ooh.
BOTH: Ee ooh ah ooh.
Well, ic Well, root.
Well, well, I'll root with
a hep, hep, hep, hep hep.
[music - "all out for freedom"]
All out for freedom.
It's all out for freedom.
Who dares to take it away?
10 million Yankees
are standing pat.
And the world knows
that is a pain.
That which we carry
was not ours to bury.
We need to keep it or die.
[inaudible]
We shall call out for
freedom to the sky.
That's the Yankee
doodle man reply.
That which we carry
is not ours to bury.
We need to keep it or die.
[inaudible]