Vacation (1983) Movie Script

"I found out long ago"
"It's a long way down a Holiday Road"
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick"
"Going to take a ride
to the West Coast, kids"
"Holiday Road!"
"Holiday Road!"
"Holiday Road!"
"Holiday Road!"
"I found out long ago"
"It's a long way down a Holiday Road"
"Holiday Road"
"Holiday Road"
"Holiday Road"
Clark Griswold.
I'm trading my wife's old car in.
Say good-bye
to the old gas-guzzler, Russ!
It's pretty exciting, isn't it, Rusty?
What's that, Dad?
Picking up the new car!
You can't wait, can you?
Hi there, Ed!
Good to see you, Mr. Griswold!
How are you doing?
Rubin right?
Look at him. He can't wait.
So, did you bring your trade-in?
Yes, a guy just took it away
a couple of seconds ago.
Well, let's get to it, then.
We were worried that the new car
might not be ready yet.
We're on our way to California
in the morning...
...big vacation, the whole family,
Walley World...
Walley World? Very exciting, Clyde.
Well, there she is.
Right here. The wagon.
Dad, this is not the car you ordered!
Take it easy, Rusty.
Ed, this is not the car I ordered.
I distinctly ordered the Antarctic Blue,
Super Sportswagon...
...with the C.B. and the optional
Rally fun pack.
You didn't order the Metallic Pea?
Metallic Pea? No, Antarctic Blue.
The Sportswagon.
This isn't even the right model!
You know, I think you're right.
I don't think this is the car.
This is the new
Wagonqueen Family Truckster.
This is a fine automobile,
if you want my honest opinion.
It beats the hell out of
the Sportswagon but...
...I want to make you happy.
I'll get to the bottom of this.
Mr. Griswold ordered a blue Sportswagon.
Where is it?
I don't know, sir.
I know what must have happened!
It didn't come in!
Ed, I'm not your ordinary,
everyday fool. Okay?
Now, I'd like my Antarctic Blue
Super Sportswagon right now.
If you can't get it for me,
I'm going to take my business elsewhere!
Where's my old car?
I'm just as upset as you are.
Believe me.
Get Mr. Griswold's car back!
Bring it back here!
And I can get you the wagon,
there's no problem there.
The problem is, it might take six weeks.
Now, I owe it to myself
to tell you, Mr. Griswold...
...if you're thinking of taking
the tribe cross-country...
...this is the automobile
you should be using.
The Wagonqueen Family Truckster.
You think you hate it now,
but wait until you drive it.
I don't want to drive it.
I just want my old car back, okay?
I'm not falling for this bit.
No way. Let's go, Russ.
Clark, is that the right car?
No, it isn't, honey. I changed my mind.
They flattened our old car
like a pancake.
Are you serious?
Is this really our car, Dad?
What happened? I thought we were
going to get the little Sportswagon.
Oh, no!
The Sportswagon's much too small.
Besides, I got a great deal on this one.
Believe me, we're taking
the whole tribe across country.
This is your automobile.
Why is it still running?
Oh, all new cars do that.
I'll take care of that in a second.
You may think you hate it now,
but wait until you drive it.
An air bag!
You know, Clark, it's not too late
to fly out to California.
We only have two weeks.
Let's not get into that again,
sweet pie. Please?
Lots of families fly, Clark.
Especially cross-country.
The idea of a family vacation
is to be together as a family.
On a plane, you put on earphones
and you're lost in your own world.
It's a very long drive, Clark.
I'm looking forward to a long drive.
You get to see the kids all the time!
I only see them a few minutes
in the mornings and evenings...
...and a few hours on the weekends.
Someday I'll wake up and realize
my babies have grown up!
And then what?
I just thought it would be
easier to fly.
Nothing that is worthwhile
is easy, Ellen.
We know that.
Do you want to see the trip plan?
Not now, we're playing a game!
Okay, shut off the video games.
Come on, Russ. Shut it off.
I know you'll enjoy this. I've worked
out the whole trip on the computer... that we get the maximum amount
of fun time at Walley World...
...without missing any
of the good stuff along the way.
Here we go! There's us.
And there's Walley World!
Now, let's just take a look at Day One.
Shall we?
Honey, come on in!
We're going to do Day One!
Okay, now, there's the Family Truckster
as we leave Chicago.
Rusty, please, do not eat the Truckster!
Russ, do you mind? I'm trying to work
this out here on the computer.
Okay, Audrey. Thank you, Audrey.
That's just great.
Look out, Dad, here I come.
All right, that's enough, Russ.
Okay, now,
I think we're moving further...
Good shot, Audrey.
Dad, I forgot. Why aren't we flying?
Because getting there is half the fun!
You know that!
I turned off the water,
the stove, the heat and the air.
Locked the door and notified the police.
Stopped the newspapers.
I called to get the grass cut.
Did I put the timers
on the living room lights?
Don't forget the mail...
So long!
Drive careful now, Clark!
Watch those freeways!
I know I've forgotten something.
Walley World, here we come!
"Mockingbird, tell me, everybody
"Have you heard?
"He's gonna buy me...
"A mockingbird
"And if that mockingbird don't sing
"He's gonna buy me a diamond ring
"And if that diamond ring don't shine
"He's surely gonna break
this heart of mine
"And that's why I keep on singin'
"Did you hear now... "
Come on, kids.
We don't know any of your songs!
Dad, is that made up?
It sounds made up!
I know a song!
How about
"The Walley World National Anthem"?
Okay, you start it.
"Who's the moosiest moose we know?
Marty Moose!
"Who's the star of our favorite show?
Marty Moose!
" 'M' is for merry,
we're merry, you see
" 'O' is for 'O' gosh!
'O' golly! 'O' gee!
" 'S' is for super-swell family glee
" 'E' is for everything you want to be
"What's that spell?
"Marty Moose, Marty Moose, Marty Moose
"That's me!"
All right! That's more like it!
Here's one you don't know.
We used to sing it
when you were little kids.
"Jimmy crack corn
And I don't care... "
"Swing low...
"Sweet chariot...
"Comin' for to carry me home
"I looked over Jordan
and what did I see?
"Comin' for to carry me home"
What smells in here, honey?
Russ! Russ! Your feet.
Isn't this the gas tank?
Yes, I know, honey.
Get in the car.
I'm just fixing the license plate.
Do you see that, kids?
That's the St. Louis Arch.
The Gateway to the West.
It's over 600 feet tall, and there's
an elevator all the way to the top.
Dad, can we go up on it?
Dad, what river is this?
That's the Mississippi.
The mighty Mississip.
The old Miss...
The old man...
Clark, I think this is the wrong exit.
What's the difference,
as long as we get across the river?
Clark? What are you doing?
Just relax, Ellen.
This is so dangerous!
We have no business being
in an area like this!
This is a part of America
we never get to see.
That's good!
No, that's bad.
We can't close our eyes
to the plight of the cities.
Kids, are you noticing all this plight?
This will just make us
appreciate what we have.
Roll them up!
I'd better ask these fellows
how to get back on the expressway.
I wonder if you could tell me how
to get back on the expressway?
Fuck your mama!
Thank you very much!
Hey, excuse me?
What it is, bro'!
We're from out of town.
No shit?
Listen, I'd really appreciate it
if you could...
...give me directions
back onto the expressway.
What? For free?
Five dollars.
I'm not going to give you
$5 for directions!
I think that's fair, Clark.
Okay. Here's $10.
Keep the change.
You see which way you're pointing?
You see that place?
Do you see the sign, "Rib Tips"?
Well, fuck that,
you don't want to go that way.
I wonder if these guys
know The Commodores.
You go half a block down the street...
...and you'll see a Torino
with no wheels on it.
Inside that Torino is my cousin, Jackie.
Tell him that you're my boy,
and that you're lost.
He'll make sure you
get where you're going.
You don't want to know from me.
I'm not from this neighborhood.
I'm from the west side of Chicago,
here on vacation.
Thanks a lot. You've been a great help.
"I'm Mister Blue
"When you say you love me... "
Remember when we were in college...
...and drove to Fort Lauderdale
in my Austin Healy?
I haven't thought about that
for a long time.
Remember what we did in the car?
It's amazing we didn't
get into an accident.
Want to relive a fond memory?
Are you serious?
Why not?
Because, that's why.
The kids are asleep.
Let's just wait until we get to a motel.
Okay, we'll wait.
I'll find the best one on the road.
Do you want to put your head in my lap?
It's not what I was thinking.
Let me adjust the steering wheel.
There you go, out of your way.
My head's stuck.
Quit kidding around! It hurts!
I'm not. It's stuck.
Cut it out!
I know what you're trying to do,
and I think it's sick!
The wheel's stuck, honey!
That was a dirty trick!
The damn wheel is all screwed up.
You're tired.
You get weird when you get tired.
Let's just find a motel.
I don't want you dozing off.
I'm not tired. Are you kidding?
I can drive for another 100 miles.
No problem.
"I stay at home at night
"By the phone at night
"But you don't call
"And I won't hurt my pride
"Call me Mister Blue
"I'm Mister Blue without you"
Sparky, why don't you turn off
the TV and come to bed?
Okay, honey.
Well, wake up everyone.
We're here.
Can I do your back, honey?
I've done it already.
Can I do your front?
Go do your own front.
We should call
Catherine and Eddie...
...and tell them that we won't be in
until tomorrow afternoon.
If we're not there by 10:00 a. m.,
we'll be completely off schedule.
I planned very carefully... that we would be
at Walley World early Saturday.
Sparky, I know what this trip
means to you...
...and that you want all of us
to have a great time, but... is a long way to Walley World.
I think it would be easier on all of us
if you would just try to relax.
I'm way ahead of you, honey.
When did you get these glasses?
Oh, I have my little secrets.
What a nice thought.
Don't drink yet!
I would like to propose a toast.
To a very restful vacation.
Here's to a very relaxing vacation.
To a renewed love affair.
To a time of joy with our kids.
You know, I've never told you this.
I know it's been a rough beginning.
I think there's something wrong here!
It's the bed.
It will slow down in a second.
I got it! Here, hold on to these.
What are you doing?
Let's try this, my darling.
We haven't done this in a long time.
Oh! Clark!
What's that noise?
What's going on?
Don't you kids knock anymore?
Sorry, we thought you were fighting.
No one is fighting in here.
It is very late.
Where is Mom?
I'm under here, kids.
Go back to bed.
Go back to bed now.
The bed was very soft.
It's the same street Wyatt Earp
kept law and order on.
It seems kind of dirty and touristy.
The Old West was dirty.
Everything isn't like home.
If it were, there would be no reason
for leaving home, right, Rusty?
Yeah, Dad. This is great.
I'm glad we didn't go to Hawaii.
I'll bet you are.
Okay, let's go get a drink.
Howdy, city slickers!
No fighting, cussing or gunslinging.
Watch what you say
to our bartender. He's ornery.
Thank you, sheriff.
Give me five, partner!
That guy was a crummy Wyatt Earp!
He's wearing jogging shoes!
Nah, they used to, Rusty.
Hey, knucklehead! Set us up
with four red-eyes, will you?
Hey, yellow-belly! I'm talking to you!
Hey, tenderfoot!
Move your chicken wings, turkey!
Clark! That's not nice!
It's part of the act, honey.
Hey, underpants!
I'm okay! I'm okay!
I'm all right!
That wasn't funny! A noise like that
could impair the kids' hearing.
It was real! It looked real, didn't it?
I thought it was real gun.
Didn't it look real when I fell down?
Didn't it look real?
Are you happy now, Clark?
She's deaf.
What's the difference? It was fun
anyway. Let's have a drink.
Pardon me, sir?
Catherine told us to follow 50.
I was thinking of taking
a detour to Liberal.
What for?
The House of Mud.
What's that?
The largest, freestanding
mud dwelling ever built!
The pioneers didn't have bricks,
so they used mud.
They didn't use mud, they used sod!
Right, Audrey.
When they ran out of sod,
they used mud!
Let's skip The House of Mud.
Dodge City was enough for today.
And Catherine and Eddie
are expecting us.
It's living history.
But, if you would rather visit
your cousins...'s okay with me.
I would rather see
a pile of mud than Eddie.
Stop it!
What's going on?
Rusty is licking his hand
and touching me with it!
Tell Rusty to behave himself.
Rusty, behave yourself!
But Audrey is eating candy and
smiling at me with her mouth open!
Audrey, eat with you mouth closed!
No eating in the car, kids!
You suck, you know that?
I am trying to concentrate on the road!
"I've had some lonely nights
"And I'll admit I cried sometimes
"Cause you were out of my life
"But then you called my name
"And you came back again
"I feel so inspired
"Kissing your lips of fire
"Little boy sweet, little boy sweet,
"Sweet little boy of mine
"Come a little closer"
You're driving 80 miles an hour!
Doesn't seem that fast, honey?
Slow down!
I don't know why,
we're making good time.
"Love for sale
"Appetizing, yummy love... "
They're here! Eddie, come on!
I can't believe it's been so long!
Eddie, you look terrific.
Come and meet your cousins!
Look how they've grown!
You have lost weight, Catherine!
She's added a few more mouths
to the litter.
Rusty and Audrey,
cousins Vicki and Dale.
And this is Eddie Junior and Junior.
The little one hanging onto
my skirt is Daisy-Mabel.
How old are you, little one.
She was born without a tongue, Clark.
But don't worry about her. She whistles
like a bird and eats like a horse.
Take your cousins out back
and show them your worm farm.
Come in the house, Ellen.
I've so much to tell you.
Look at that car!
That's the Family Truckster.
Boy, she's a beaut!
I like those "green walls. "
We had some trouble in St. Louis.
Well, you're looking really...
This is your homestead, huh?
Yeah, I don't know for how long, though.
The bank's been after me like
flies on a rib roast.
I know the feeling.
Oh, fuck it!
I bet you could use a cool one?
Now you're talking.
I'm going steady.
And I French kiss.
So? Everyone does that.
Yeah, but Daddy says I'm the best.
Want a worm?
No, thanks.
Do you have Pac-Man?
Space Invaders?
Do you have Asteroids?
No, but my dad does.
He can't even sit on the toilet
some days.
What do you do here, Dale?
Well, I have a stack of
nudie books this high.
She's beautiful!
Would you sell me any of them?
Shit, no! I cherish them!
And I use them a lot!
How do you use a magazine?
I'll tell you how.
A guy taught me something
really neat, last year.
Have you ever bopped your bologna?
I guess we are 11, right?
No, we are 12 with Aunt Edna.
Aunt Edna? Is she still alive?
You bet!
I can't wait to see the look
on Clark's face when he hears that.
She came to help when
Eddie ruptured his spleen...
...and she's been here ever since.
She wanted to go back
to Phoenix last year...
...but Eddie wouldn't let her.
Without her Social Security,
we'd never be able to live like this.
It looks as though you've really
got your hands full.
Oh, it's not so bad!
Eddie says after the baby comes,
I can quit one of my night jobs.
How do you like yours, Clark?
Oh, medium rare, a little pink inside.
No! Your bun! Light or dark?
Either way, it doesn't matter.
Vicki, can I help you
stir that? Please?
I don't know why they call this
Hamburger Helper!
It's just fine by itself.
I like it better than Tuna Helper,
don't you, Clark?
You're the gourmet, Ed.
No meat in this?
You get plenty of meat at home.
Be polite. Have some ketchup.
Real tomato ketchup, Eddie?
Nothing but the best!
Aunt Edna!
Helper's getting cold.
Is that your Aunt Edna?
Aunt Edna! After all these years!
And you look so good!
Hi, Edna! Nice to see you again!
You remember Clark, don't you?
You were the ones who sent me
the fruitcake for Christmas.
It made me so sick!
I'm sorry. We thought
you enjoyed fruitcake.
Do you enjoy throwing up
every five minutes, Claud?
Well, am I going to eat
or starve to death?
Did you tell Clark and Ellen
the good news.
No. I was just about to.
What's the good news?
You are driving me to Phoenix!
"Junior Pig Competition"?
You won this trophy for racing a pig?
Yeah. First Place.
Does anyone know about it?
Everyone knows.
Vicki, don't be offended, but being
a farmer is not too cool, you know.
Oh, yeah.
How cool... this?
I'm really glad things
are going well for you.
I was laid off when they
closed that asbestos factory.
The Army cuts my disability pension.
They claimed the plate in my head
wasn't large enough.
Clark and Ellen don't want
to hear about problems.
No, no. It is very interesting.
Why don't you just ask him
for the money, Eddie?
He sure as hell can't take a hint!
Well, I didn't want to ask you, Clark.
Could you, maybe,
spare a little extra cash?
Sure, Eddie!
How much money do you need?
About $52,000.
Good-bye, baby!
You'll send those checks?
It's taken care of.
Okay, let's go. Come on, Edna.
Lay off, lay off!
Well, gotta be going.
What's this?
This is for you, Clark.
Oh, what is it?
A gift.
You didn't have to buy me a gift!
Go on and open it.
Eddie, you shouldn't have.
Those are great, Dad!
Be quiet, Russ.
Try them on.
No, no, I don't want to get them dirty.
I told you he wouldn't like them!
I love them.
I knew you did because
the last time I saw you, Clark... remarked about
how much you liked mine.
I guess we better be going.
Here he is, Uncle Clark,
all walked and everything.
What is this? A dog?
He's Aunt Edna's dog, Dinky.
He watches "Family Feud. "
How are you, little fellow?
You didn't get to meet Dinky last night.
He had the shits,
so he slept in the barn.
Great. I'll make some space
for him in the back.
No! Sit, sit!
Roll over! Heel!
Here. Have a good trip.
Thanks a lot.
"I found out long ago
"It's a long way down a Holiday Road
"Holiday Road!
"Holiday Road! "
Look at these sandwiches.
Here, Aunt Edna.
Thank you.
Rusty, stop playing with the dog
and come and eat your lunch.
You're favorite, bologna and cheese.
"I've had some lonely nights
"And I'll admit I cried sometimes
"Cause you were out of my life
"But then you called my name
"And you came back again
"I feel so inspired
"Kissing your lips of fire
"Little boy sweet, little boy sweet
"Sweet little boy of mine
"Come a little closer
"I want to show you
"What's on my mind
"Here in the night, here in the night
"Here in the night, together
"I want to show you
"Love so... warm and tender!"
Mom, my sandwich is wet!
They're all wet...
The dog went on the picnic basket!
"Jack be nimble, Jack be quick
"Going to take a ride
to the West Coast, kids
"Holiday Road!
"Holiday Road!
"Holiday Road!
"Holiday Road! "
Russ, look!
Excellent! They have a pool!
Aren't the woods beautiful?
Clark! Dinky needs
a long walk and a bath.
Rusty, take care of Dinky.
Dad, he bites!
Bite him back!
We would like three tents, please.
All right. That'll be $37.
$37 for three tents?!
They're very nice tents.
The price includes
scenery and wildlife fun.
This seems like a nice place,
and it has a pool.
All right.
Would you fill that out?
Clark W. Griswold.
Do you want my address?
What do you need my address for?
We like to send out mailers.
- I can't wait to get in!
- Me, too.
Let's go get our bathing suits.
You're too cheap to pay
for a hotel room.
Oh, Clark, this tent smells.
Edna, this is your tent.
This isn't very romantic.
I don't think there's enough room
for two in this sleeping bag.
Right now, we're one.
One heart beating for two.
Sparky, there's a wild animal.
I know, I'm going for it, honey.
Get off!
Down! Go!
I'm sorry, honey. It's Dinky.
I'll kill that dog!
What do you say, honey?
In spite of the problems,
it's fun isn't it?
But with each new day there's new hope.
Kids, let's go!
We're losing daylight.
Did you walk him?
He took a big one
on Aunt Edna's blanket.
Good boy.
Go take care of Aunt Edna.
I'll take the leash.
Roll over, Dinky!
You're tearing my flesh!
Good morning, Edna.
Audrey, you're next.
No way, Jos!
What's the problem?
I had to sit next to Aunt Edna
last time. She smells like mothballs!
It's her turn.
For your information, Rusty slept
in his underpants last night!
Easy kids! Stop it!
Everyone into the car,
we leave in two minutes.
Or perhaps you don't want to see the
second-largest ball of twine on earth.
Which is only four short hours away.
Sweetheart, do you hear that rattle?
Where is it coming from?
Beats the heck out of me.
I've been looking for it since we left.
It's driving me crazy!
Dad, look behind you.
Now what have we done?
Will you hold my purse?
Just hold my purse!
Hello, officer, what's the problem?
Get out of the car!
I don't think I was speeding.
Was I weaving or something?
Shut up, sir!
If I wasn't in uniform, I'd split your
skull with the butt of this revolver...
...faster than you could
say, "police brutality. "
Officer, whatever it is I've done,
I'm sure I can explain.
Explain this, you son of a bitch.
Oh, my God!
Do you know what the penalty
for animal cruelty is in this state?
No, sir.
It's probably pretty stiff!
You can't think I'd do this on purpose?
I tied him to the rear bumper
when I was packing the car.
It was very confusing,
I must've forgotten.
I'm sorry. I feel terrible.
How do you think that little dog feels?
I'm sorry, it really was an accident.
I guess I can buy that, sir.
But it is a shame.
I had a dog like that when I was a kid.
Poor little guy.
He probably kept up with you
for a mile or so.
Tough little mutt.
I was afraid you would
get pulled over, Clark.
You've been exceeding the speed
limit for thousands of miles!
Dad wasn't speeding.
The officer stopped us
because Dad...
He was speeding, Rusty!
No, he wasn't, Mom.
Listen to your mother!
I was speeding.
I was driving like a maniac.
We can all be grateful
that this man stopped us!
- You see, kids, a car...
- Here's the leash, sir.
I'm going back to get the rest
of the carcass off the road.
Thank you, officer.
Have a nice day.
Is this your idea of a good restaurant?
Dog killer!
I'm sure the food is just fine.
I'll take that.
Thank you.
Oh, kids!
"I've had some lonely nights
"And I'll admit I cried sometimes
"Cause you were out of my life
"But then you called my name
"And you came back again
"I feel so inspired
"Kissing your lips of fire
"Little boy sweet, little boy sweet
"Sweet little boy of mine"
What happened?
What happened to your hair?
You're sweating!
Are you blushing?
Don't be silly.
Are you all right, Clark?
Of course, I'm fine!
I'm having a ball!
Come on, honey, look at the mountains,
breathe the air!
Put on a happy face for me.
I guess there's not much
more that can happen to us.
I think the worst is behind us.
Clark, I need my vanity case.
We have to go back and look for it.
All my credit cards are in it.
Honey, number one: I've already
called the bank and reported the loss.
We'll never find it when
we don't know where it fell off.
And three: I've got my credit cards.
And we've still got plenty of cash, okay?
No, we don't.
You gave $500 to Eddie.
And everything has cost twice
as much as you figured out.
Honey, there's nothing in that luggage
that can't be replaced.
Except for your diaphragm.
We can cash a check down the road.
Don't you trust me?
As long as you don't tie me
to the rear bumper.
That hurt.
Clark, I think we're lost.
We're not lost!
Ellen, please, let me do the driving.
I don't think you'll find
the Grand Canyon on this road.
Jesus, it's only the biggest
goddamn hole in the world!
Clark, watch your language!
Make that the second largest.
Dad, I haven't seen a car for an hour!
Shut up, Audrey!
Dad knows where he's going.
Thank you.
You're lost!
Ma, I saw some detour signs!
I didn't see any.
I saw them when you and Mom
were trying to fold the map.
When they close a road
they put up big signs.
Like this one.
I think I broke my nose!
I stabbed my brain.
I just got my period.
I'm going to check under the hood.
Audrey, gather up all the clothes,
and put them in a pile.
Rusty, find the first aid kit,
then bring the suitcases here.
Where can I go to the bathroom?
Find a bush, Audrey!
Dad, you must've jumped
the car about 50 yards!
It's nothing to be proud of, Rusty.
Fifty yards.
Ellen, get me out of here!
Stay in the car!
It's hot and dangerous out here!
Don't you tell me what to do!
I'll do what I want!
I should never have come
on this trip with you!
I should have taken an airplane!
And he, he shouldn't even have
a license to drive an automobile.
He should be behind bars!
Sit down, and shut up!
Move out of that seat,
and I'll split your lip!
Rusty, come up here!
I am going to have to hike down
the road to find a service station.
I want you to stay here
and take care of things.
Will you be okay?
Oh, sure.
I haven't had a chance
to talk to you, man to man.
I've only been a man a few days, Dad.
You're growing up so fast.
I have spent the past 15 years...
...developing newer and better
food additives.
I guess I missed a lot.
At first, I didn't want
to take this vacation.
Now I'm glad I did.
It has given me a chance
to spend more time with you and...
Audrey. Yeah.
It's been fun for me, too, Dad.
Except for Aunt Edna.
She doesn't mean to be
a pain in the rump.
It's just the way she is.
Let's not let it spoil our fun, okay?
I won't.
Maybe she would be nicer
if she had a family of her own.
Instead of always having to latch
onto someone else's.
You're a pretty bright little guy.
Excuse me... man.
It's okay.
Do you know what I want to do?
When I was your age,
my dad shared a beer with me.
And I thought it was
the best thing ever.
When I was a boy, just about
every summer we'd take a vacation.
In 18 years, we never had fun.
Now I have my own family.
And we're on our own vacation.
You know what?
What, Dad?
We're going to have fun.
We're going to have fun.
Don't let your mother smell
that beer on your breath.
She'll take it out on me.
I better get moving if I want
to get us out of here by dark.
Good talk, son.
Good talk, Dad.
I just had a good talk with Rusty.
You'll be in good hands here, honey.
Where are you going?!
There must be a phone or a gas station
around here, honey.
All right, but if you're
not back in an hour...
I'll be fine. You'll be fine.
I'm sure this happens all the time.
A patrol car will be by any minute.
"Over the river and through the woods
"To Grandmother's house we go
"A thousand bottles of beer on the wall
"Four bottles of beer
"If one of those bottles
should happen to fall...
"I love a parade
"The trampling of feet,
I love the beat I hear of a drum
"I love a parade"
We pass a goddamn gas station
every 100 yards for 1,000 miles!
But when you really need one,
you end up walking your ass off.
This is no way to run a desert!
Jesus! I'm going to die!
What an asshole!
Taxi. Taxi!
I'm dead.
I'm dying. I'm dead. I'm finished.
Hot! Hot!
I'm not sure of his
exact height and weight.
All I know is the man was
a saint with children...
...and a genius with food additives...
Are you all right?
I'm fine!
What happened to you?
How did you get here?
Well these two nice Indians and
a man on a camel called a tow truck.
Daddy's back!
Kids, are you thirsty?
- Yeah, I bet you are too!
- You said it!
What do I owe you?
I never heard of no one so stupid
as you driving off that road.
You must have manure for brains.
Yes, well, I'm from out of town.
What's the bill?
Come on. How much?
How much do you have?
No, I'm asking how much the repairs are.
I'm asking you, how much do you have.
You're crazy.
I don't have time to play around.
How much is it?
All of it, boy.
What does your sheriff think
of your business practices?
Audrey, how much
baby-sitting money do you have?
How come?
How much?
What's the matter?
I just spent $500
on four bald tires and a tow!
How much do you have?
She has $40, Dad.
How would you know? Unless you went
in my purse, you rotten sneak.
Have you been going through
her private property?
I don't give a frog's fat ass
who went through what.
We need money!
Edna, how much do you have?
She's asleep, Clark!
Russ, do you want to look
through Edna's purse?
Unzip it.
She has 11 cents, Dad.
The motel will cash your check.
They better. We're going to
run out of gas.
I'm sorry, sir.
I can't accept this credit card.
Why not?
The computer says
it's has been reported lost.
My wife lost her credit
cards in Colorado and I reported it.
The computer is probably reporting that
I lost mine also, which I haven't.
Well, you'll have to straighten that out
with your bank.
Will you accept a personal check?
For what amount?
I can't do that, sir.
Look, I've lost all my cash and
we're on our way to California.
Walley World?
Yeah! Walley World!
And I'm sort of stuck between
a rock and a hard place.
You know I'd really appreciate it.
We require a major credit card.
I have $6.13 to my name... I can see we're going to have
to work something out.
I've already told you that
I can't accept a check...
...without a major credit card.
I'll give you a check for $1,000.
All you have to give me is $300 in cash.
You can then keep $700 for doing nothing
more than acting like a total creep.
The only thing I can do... have you stay here
until the check clears.
Ten working days!
Let's go, come on!
Where is Edna?
In the car!
Good! Come on, get in the car.
Don't you want to look
at the Grand Canyon?
Great, let's go.
Rusty, wake up!
Get out those sandwiches
I got at the gas station.
I'm so hungry, I could eat
a sandwich from a gas station.
There's one for everyone.
Audrey, wake Aunt Edna. It's time
for her to eat and take her pill.
Please, get off of me!
Mom, tell Audrey to stop pushing
Aunt Edna on me.
I'm sick of her lying
on me all the time!
Be quiet!
Honey, it's only a few hours to Phoenix!
Let her be, she's fine!
She's not fine!
She's fine! Don't be silly!
She's not fine, Clark!
She's dead!
She breathed on me!
A dead person breathed on me!
Her hand touched me!
She's stiff already!
Goddamn it, anyway!
She must have passed away
somewhere near Flagstaff.
What are we going to do, Clark?
Well, we could leave her here...
...and the first phone we pass,
we'd call your cousin, Normie...
...and he can come and get her, I guess.
That's the meanest, coldest...
What do you want me to do,
call Federal Express?
Mom, we don't have to ride
with a dead person, do we?
Please say we don't!
Come on, Mom. It'd be real easy
for Cousin Normie to find her.
All he'd have to do is
look for the buzzards.
Hell! Then we'll drive her
to Cousin Normie's.
I just didn't want to get caught up in
a funeral, inquests and all that crap.
You're the most self-centered,
egotistical, manipulative...
Don't say anything you'll regret, Ellen!
I'm being practical.
If we drove straight through...
...we'd have three days
at Walley World at best.
She can't weight more than 100 pounds.
Oh, no!
You can't put her up on that roof!
Yes, he can!
Do you want me to strap her to the hood?
What's the difference? She'll be fine.
It's not as if it's going to rain
or something.
This is terrible!
What a nightmare!
Don't just blurt it out
about Edna dying!
How about if I ask him
to play a guessing game?
Oh, no, he isn't even home.
Maybe the neighbors know where he is.
The moron knows we're coming,
and he isn't home.
Normie's always been flighty.
He's always been a jag-off.
Will you watch your mouth?
There's a note.
"Have gone to Flagstaff.
Be back on Monday. "
What a worm!
It's locked!
Okay, let's go!
We can't leave her on the patio!
Would you rather I slipped her in the
night deposit box at the funeral home?!
Come on!
It's raining all over her!
She can't catch a cold now, Mom!
Clark? We have to at least
say something.
Okay, bow your heads, bow your heads.
Oh, God...
Ease our suffering in this,
our moment of great despair!
Admit this good and decent woman
into Thine arms and the flock... Thine heavenly area up there.
And Moab he laideth down
behind the land of the Canaanites.
And, yea,
though the Hindus speak of karma...
I implore you, give her a break.
Clark, this is a serious matter!
I'll do it myself!
Honey, I'm not an ordained minister!
I'm doing my best, okay?
Lord, we love this woman
with all our hearts!
Let's not overdo it, Mom!
Shut up!
We know she deserves
better than this...
...but my husband wants his
beloved family to get to Walley World... have their vacation!
I hope you understand!
Have mercy on his soul!
Amen! Let's go!
I hope you children have learned
something about life and death!
Yeah! Don't die unless someone is home!
I think Normie will understand...
...when he sees the note
we pinned on Edna's sleeve.
Sure! You left his dead mother
tied to a lawn chair in his backyard!
I'm sure he won't mind!
It's all over and done with!
We'll find a motel and start fresh
in the morning.
I don't want to be in the car anymore.
I want to go home!
I don't want to go to Walley World!
Clark? Under the circumstances,
I would rather we just go home.
In retrospect, driving across country,
has been one disaster after another!
Yeah, it's been a real drag, Dad!
Maybe we can try it some other time.
Walley World's overrated anyway.
What do you think?
I think you're all fucked in the head.
We're ten hours from the fucking
fun park and you want to bail out.
Well, I'll tell you something.
This is no longer a vacation!
It's a quest!
It's a quest for fun.
I'm going to have fun and
you're going to have fun.
We're all going to have
so much fucking fun...
...we'll need plastic surgery
to remove our goddamn smiles.
You'll be whistling zippity-doo-dah
out of your assholes!
I have to be crazy.
I'm on a pilgrimage to see a moose.
Praise Marty Moose! Holy shit!
Dad, do you want
an aspirin or something?
Don't touch!
The next time you have
one of your outbursts...
...I'd appreciate it if you'd have
some consideration for your kids.
What are you talking about?
You don't know?
All I know is I'm trying to treat
my family to a little fun!
Spare me, Clark!
I know your brand of family fun.
Tomorrow you'll probably
kill the desk clerk...
...hold up a McDonald's, and drive us
a thousand miles out of the way... see the world's largest
ball of mud!
You know what your problem is?
You have an uncanny knack
for looking at the dark side of things.
That's your problem.
You wouldn't know a good time
if it came up and bit you!
Where are you going?
What do you care?
Are you waiting for someone?
No! Do you mind if I sit down?
Fancy seeing you here.
Having a nice little family vacation?
It would appear so, wouldn't it?
No, the truth of it is,
and this is highly confidential...
...I own this motel.
I own the whole chain, nationwide.
Twenty-two hundred units.
Yeah, once a year,
I travel across the country, incognito.
Check things out,
and see how the operation is running.
I thought you were going to say
you worked for the CIA.
That's an old bit, isn't it?
No, I'm not with the CIA.
I was, but that was a long time ago.
I don't like to talk about it.
No, I'm mainly interested
in my motels now...
And my airline.
That's great.
I'm just trying to have a little fun.
It's a shame you're married.
I'm in the mood for some fun.
You mean those people I'm with?
That's my brother's family.
My brother's ring.
I usually borrow them on these
little inspection tours of mine.
It helps to complete the disguise.
It's fun for them.
It's a good disguise.
I like the station wagon effect.
Yeah? Well, that's a big part of it.
In order to be convincing, you have
to look and act like an ordinary jerk.
You know, stop at all the stupid sites
and look like a fool.
Basically, be yourself?
You like the disguise?
My credo is, if you have
to have a credo... know, "Go for it," pretty much.
You only go around this crazy
merry-go-round once! You know?
I agree.
That's my credo!
You don't have to have a credo, but...
"If the shoe fits, wear it. "
"A penny saved... "
"Pennies from heaven... "
My favorite credo... know "A penny saved, and... "
Thank you.
This feels great!
...are you going to go for it?
Uh... here?
To start with, yes.
Why not? Don't you swim?
Sure, I took third in the state finals
in my senior year.
Yeah, I'm really at ease in the water.
I'm proficient in many strokes
and I dive.
As a matter of fact,
I could've been in the Olympics.
Yeah. I'll be right there.
Yeah. This is crazy, this is crazy,
this is crazy!
How's the water?
I'm in deep, I'm in deep!
It's cold! Jesus! Fuck!
Hi, honey.
What are you doing?
Yeah, my back was killing me.
And I thought I'd get a swim
and loosen up the muscles.
Why go to the car and get
the bathing suit? Jump right in.
It's exhilarating.
Guess what, honey?
This person here was...!
I didn't see this person, so...
...I screamed, that's why I yelled.
I was so surprised.
You can imagine, can't you, honey?
Will you excuse me?
You have to go.
Well, I'd stay if I weren't married,
but I am.
I know.
I hope I didn't spoil your evening.
No, it's been interesting.
Well, enjoy the rest of your trip.
You, too.
I can't believe this.
I am so humiliated.
Cut it out. You don't even know
how to inhale.
Maybe I don't want to.
You're such a dork.
How can he do this to Mom?
They'll probably get a divorce.
I better have a talk with him.
What are you doing up?
You woke the whole motel up, Dad.
I was...
Yeah, I saw you.
Russ, come here a minute.
You know I wouldn't
do anything to hurt your Mom.
It's been a long drive.
I work very hard for you,
Audrey and your mom.
I guess when you get older
you get these feelings...
...and these feelings make you do
things you wouldn't normally do.
Like swimming naked with girls?
Yeah! Like swimming naked with girls.
Well, not with girls.
You think I was swimming with girls?
I saw just one girl.
Who, that girl?
Oh, no, that's a waitress.
No, I was just ordering in.
She's a pool waitress.
I was ordering some fish
for you, Audrey and Mom.
She took your order?
She took my order, yeah.
Swimming waitress.
You understand, don't you, Russ?
Sure, I understand.
Do you think Mom will buy it?
Good talk, son. Go to bed, Russ.
Are you mad?
Do you like that girl?
Is that what you want?
Oh, no.
How could I like a girl like that?
She's ugly.
I love you.
I'm sorry about everything.
I got angry because
you were right and I knew it.
I was hurt, honey.
I'm sorry, too.
It's not all your fault.
I know you've been trying.
I'm going to try, too.
I know how to have fun.
And I'm going to prove it.
Come on. Come on! Come on!
Honey, you don't have
to prove anything to me.
I want us to have some fun together.
- Come on!
- The water's very...
We must be getting close.
We're almost there.
Everybody just take it easy.
I know we're getting close.
What is that? What is that?
There it is!
Walley World, next three exits!
We made it dammit! We made it!
The Griswolds are
one hell of a family, huh?
Don't get too much sun, now.
It's beautiful!
It's just beautiful!
Oh, darling!
- We made it!
- You did it, Clark. Sparky...
We're the first ones here!
We're the first ones here!
But we're so far away, Clark.
And, at the end of the day,
when the lot's all full...
...and everybody's fighting
to get out of here...
...we'll be the first ones
to get out, too!
Because we're the Griswolds!
Come on, I'll race you!
Sorry, folks.
We're closed for 2 weeks... clean and repair
America's favorite family fun park!
Clark! What are you doing?
We watch his program.
We buy his toys.
We go to his movies!
He owes us!
Doesn't he owe us, huh?
He owes the Griswolds, right?!
Fucking right, he owes us!
Clark, you're scaring me!
Don't be scared!
I just think someone owes us
an explanation, that's all!
Come on...
Clark, now just a minute!
Honey, will you check
the mileage, please?
Where are you going?
I'll be right back...
I'm just going to get
some sporting goods.
Clark, will you listen to me?
Let's just find a hotel.
I'll have my parents wire us money.
We'll fly home and forget
this vacation ever happened.
Relax. I told you I'm not angry
anymore, I'm in complete control.
They can't be repairing
every ride at the same time!
I think they owe us an explanation
and a little fun.
Whatever happens, just trust me.
Will you just trust me?
Sorry folks, the park's closed.
The moose outside should have told you.
Yes, we're here to see Mr. Roy Walley.
What is your name, sir?
Clark W. Griswold.
What is this regarding, Mr. Griswold?
It's a public... business...
summer inspection...
Personal matter.
Well, nobody notified
this office of anything!
Well, I'm notifying you.
I'll need more than that, sir.
Have you lost your mind?
Where did you get that?
At the sporting goods store.
You listen to me, fat ass.
You do what I say and there won't be
any problems, okay?
We drove 2,460 miles, just for
a little Roy Walley entertainment.
The Moose says you're closed.
I say you're open.
We're not really violent people.
This is our first gun.
No, it isn't.
What's going on here?
You! Freeze! Freeze!
Sit! Sit!
Lie down! Let's go, lie down!
Roll over!
Okay! Let's ride! Let's ride!
Come on!
This is scary isn't it?
You boys and girls make sure... keep your hands on
the handlebars at all times.
We don't want any accidents!
Is that a real gun, Mom?
I don't know.
But when this is all over...
...your father may be going away
for a little while.
Boy, I sure am bushed!
Have you had enough yet, sir?
What do you mean "bushed"?
Where are the big rides?
The big ones?
Let's go. Get in the front.
Come on.
Has your father ever
killed anyone before?
Just a dog.
Oh, and my Aunt Edna.
Hey! You can't prove that, Rusty.
Rusty? May I call you Rusty?
I had a bad experience
on this ride once before.
What happened?
I threw up.
Now, don't do that again!
Goodie, goodie, goodie!
The Loop-D-Loop!
Come on, get in there.
Let's go, huh, kids?
Please, don't push!
Come on, Audrey.
Isn't this fun, honey?
That's not a real gun, is it, Clark?
What? Are you kidding?!
This is a Magnum P.I.!
It's a BB-gun!
Don't try me.
I could put your eye out with this.
You couldn't even break skin with that.
It could! It could break the skin.
It could put a lodge under the skin
and cause a bad infection.
That's an old wives' tale, Clark!
I'm telling.
See, I told you! I warned you!
If you wrecked the pants,
you'll pay for them!
Yeah, I'll pay for 'em.
Don't shoot!
Hands behind your heads!
Spread your legs!
Move up against the wall!
You two, over there!
It's just a BB-gun!
You are all under arrest.
You have the right to remain silent.
Watch your hands, mister!
How many are there?
A lot of them?
Whatever they want...
We'll pay 'em! We'll pay 'em!
Tell me, what is going on?
Everything's under control, sir.
They are terrorists!
He treated me like a dog!
He humiliated me!
What did he do with your dog?
He kidnapped me, Mr. Wally,
but I gotta tell you...
...I had a great time on your rides.
It was the most fantastic
experience I've ever had!
I like the part where you go
really way up high...
I'm glad you liked it.
Now, what's happening?
That is Roy Walley, honey!
I'm Russ Lasky. I met you
at the summer picnic last year.
I don't remember.
They kidnapped one of my men.
I was the one who got sick.
Anyway Mr. Wally,
I went on all the rides...
...I didn't get sick this time.
Normally I get sick on all your rides...
Mr. Walley... Roy?
I think I can make
some sense out of this.
Well, someone had better explain!
Or there will be a lot
of explaining to do!
I'm Clark W. Griswold.
This is my wife, Ellen.
Hi. We're big fans of yours.
We watch your show all the time.
These are my children, Audrey and Rusty.
Nice family.
We're from Chicago, Roy.
"The Windy City. "
I've been there many times.
We just spent two weeks
of living hell, driving out here.
We lost a dear member
of the family on the way.
But, the important thing,
Roy, is that...
...we could have gone anywhere
we wanted to this summer.
Anywhere in the world.
But when I asked my kids...
Kids, remember when I asked you
where you wanted to go on vacation?
What did you say?
Shut up, Russ.
Audrey, you remember?
Walley World, Dad?
"Walley World, Dad! "
Roy Walley World.
Do you have any children, Mr. Walley?
Are you kidding? I have seven.
I thought so.
Seven, did you hear that, honey?
You look so young!
Did you ever drive them across country?
I took the whole clan
to Florida one year.
The worst two weeks
I ever had in my life.
The smell from the backseat
was too unbearable.
I know that smell.
Imagine how your kids would
have felt if Florida had been closed.
They don't close Florida.
I know they don't close
the state of Florida.
When we got here,
to Roy Walley World...
...and it was closed down...
If you had seen the look
on my kids faces.
I guess I went a little haywire.
You went a lot haywire,
if you ask me!
I'm very sorry, sir.
I'm sorry to all these people.
I didn't mean any harm.
I want you to ask yourself one thing.
If you were me...
...wouldn't you have done
the same thing for your children?
Mr. Walley, do you want me to take
them downtown and book them?
No... no.
Forget it, officer.
I'm not going to press any charges.
What did I tell ya?
Did I say trust me?