Valanore (2024) Movie Script
(stone crumbling)
(thunder cracking)
(thunder roaring)
(intense music)
[Narrator] In land of
myth, in the time of magic,
the Kingdom of Valanore stood
like a shining beacon of hope,
but a darkness had fallen over the land
in the shape of the evil witch Mithian.
No longer able to ignore this,
King Einon sends one
of his fiercest warriors
to deal with the situation.
This is the tale of Valanore.
(fire roaring)
(fire crackling)
(fire crackling)
Come into the light, boy.
There's things in this forest
that will eat you whole.
Put that thing down
before you hurt yourself.
If I wanted to hurt you,
I could have done it a dozen times today.
(flames popping)
You hungry?
(forest insects chirping)
What's your name?
Gildred.
Gildred, sir.
So why have you been following me?
I was on my way to
Valanore and I got lost.
You were the first
person I've seen in days.
I hate to be the one to tell you this,
but Valanore is the other way.
No.
What are you going to Valanore for?
I wanna be a knight.
Aren't you a little young, kid?
Well, I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid to fight.
I'm sure you're not,
but a knight in the King's
Guard tends to be a little older
and a whole lot bigger than you.
Tell you what.
Why don't you come along
with me and be my squire.
I might not look like it,
but I'm actually a knight
in the King's Guard.
What are you doing out here?
I'm on a mission from
the king to destroy an evil
that's been plaguing
our lands for a long time.
Do I have myself a squire?
Yes, yes, yes, sir.
All right, then get some sleep.
We got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.
Wake up at couple hours for first watch.
Yes, sir.
(intense music)
(birds chirping)
Listen, boy, we get there, you be quiet,
you stay behind me.
The only chance we have of defeating her
is if we get the jump on her.
Yes, sir.
You're gonna see
horrors the likes of which
you've never seen.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Yes, sir.
Good lad. Follow me.
(intense music)
Whoa.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's a hell beast
that must be destroyed.
(intense music continues)
Now's my chance.
(powers thundering)
How bizarre.
Long time no see.
Not long enough, you evil hag.
Still the charmer, aren't you?
I can't believe you thought
you could take me on
with just a boy as your backup.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm here by myself.
Gilred, come out here
where I can see you.
Don't do it, boy!
It's okay, boy, I won't harm you.
That's a good lad.
How did you know my name, my lady?
Oh, I have magic.
I also know that you wanna go to Valanore
to become a knight for the king.
Yes, my lady.
And yet here you are with this old man
sneaking into my home.
I got lost in the forest.
If I could show you the way to Valanore,
would you give the king a message for me?
I would, my lady, but
what will happen to him?
I have special plans for
my old friend, Balthazar.
Guards.
Take Gildred here to the
main gate and set him free.
He has urgent business with the king.
Godspeed, Gildred.
[Balthazar] You've just
signed that boy's death warrant.
Oh, it's too bad we won't
be there to see it, huh?
But now for you, you
I'm gonna have fun with.
(Mithian laughing)
(gentle music)
Why am I dressed like a peasant?
You can't expect to blend
in dressed like the princess.
You don't understand
the dangers that lie ahead.
Trust me.
(mysterious music)
Sir Errol, why have you sent for us?
The prophecy is true.
And this is the girl?
Yes.
She is no longer safe in the kingdom.
What do you expect from us?
You need to protect and train her
so she can fulfill the prophecy.
You ask a lot of me
and my sisters, good sir.
This is by request of the king.
Very well. We will take the girl.
You may have just
saved the kingdom, sister.
We shall see.
I still don't understand
why I must stay here.
Why can't you train me?
The sisters can teach
you more than I ever could.
Learn as much as you can.
Fate of the kingdom lies with you.
Come child, it's time to go.
(somber music)
(crickets chirping)
(wings flittering)
(wings flittering continues)
(wings flittering continues)
That was a damn fool thing to do.
- Ewan, is that you?
- Gwen?
What are you doing out here at night?
[Gwen] I was trying to catch a fairy.
It's not safe out here.
- You are out here alone.
- Yes.
Is it because I'm a girl?
[Ewan] Well, yes, and that's not how
you catch a fairy, anyway.
Well, if you are such a master,
why don't you show me how it works?
They're not going to
come back around tonight
after you scared them off like that,
but the trick is you have to ease in slowly
until one of them lands on you.
Just next time, get me or
Peter to come out with you
and we'll show you how it's done.
Why would Peter wanna
come out here with me?
Haven't you noticed he fancies you?
I may have noticed,
but Tristan's been coming around as well.
Tristan, he smells of pig shit.
He's a successful pig farmer.
Do you really wanna
be the wife of a pig farmer,
successful or not?
Well, if you don't like the idea,
you can always ask me to marry you.
You don't want to marry me.
I won't be around here much longer.
Where are you going?
I've decided to go on a quest.
(laughing) What kind of quest?
That I don't know yet,
but ever since my parents died,
I've known I needed to get out of here.
Did you know that neither
of them ever traveled
more than a day's ride from our village?
What's wrong with that?
Don't you wonder what
more the world has to offer?
I can see it now, Ewan
the Bold. (Laughing)
You see, I'll be rich and
famous and you'll be siring
Tristan's little piglets.
You don't have to be mean.
Let's get you home before your parents
think we're up to something.
(bright music)
[Peter] You've got a lot
of nerves showing up here.
What did I do?
I heard you spent last night
in the western woods with Gwen.
You know how I feel about her.
- Where'd you hear that?
- Doesn't matter where.
Is it true?
- Yes, but nothing happened.
- Son of a bitch.
I was in the western wood
trying to catch a fairy when she jumped out
of the bushes and scared them all the way.
She jumped out of the bushes?
Well, she was trying
to catch a fairy too.
That's not how any of that shit works.
And that's what I told her,
and I know the way that you feel about her.
I would never try and steal her away.
There's been other bulls sniffing around.
Like who?
Tristan.
Tristan, he stinks some pig shit!
I know he does.
He's already successful.
Why would she pick me over him?
Well, you do smell
better than him most days,
and you're going to be rich and famous.
(laughing) Have you
been at the tavern all day?
How am I gonna be rich and famous?
You're going to come with me on a quest
and we will travel the
countryside, our swords for hire.
You're mad, do you know that?
There's nothing holding us here,
and there's a wide world to see.
What are you thinking,
like a month or something?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow! Oh, you are mad.
Why so soon?
Talking to Gwen made me realize
that no one's going to take
me seriously until I do this,
so let's do it.
What about Gwen?
What about Gwen?
Go to her, profess your love.
Tell her you'll be back
in one year to marry her.
I need to think about this.
Take your time, my friend,
but if you're not at the
east crossroads by dawn,
I will leave without you.
One year of adventure
and you'll be back to
marry Gwen, I promise.
(lively music)
I almost thought you weren't gonna make it.
I wasn't sure I was until
I was already on the way.
Where the fuck's the sword?
I'll will pick one up along the way.
Did you talk to Gwen?
Not exactly.
What do you mean not exactly?
Well, I wrote her a letter
and slipped it under her door.
You can read and write?
This could come in handy on the quest.
What'd your letter say?
It said, "My Dearest Gwen",
by the time you read
this, I will be with Ewan
as we go off to make our fortune.
I care for you deeply,
and if you will wait for me,
"I want to make you my
wife upon my return."
(thoughtful music)
So you don't even
know what her answer is.
No.
You have some balls, my friend.
If we're gonna get you back here in a year,
we'd better get started.
This is where we start?
The Forest of Igmar is our best chance
to strike it rich and get you back to Gwen
before Tristan sinks his hooks into her.
They say it's full
of all manners of evil.
And chock full of treasure.
Just be aware, if you get
me killed, I will haunt you.
Noted.
(intense music)
[Narrator] Five long
years have come to pass.
Mithian has grown ever stronger.
Peter and Ewan have found enough adventure
for 10 lifetimes, and all the while,
Princess Catrina still searches
to find her place in this world.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(sword squishing)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(sword thrusting, squishing)
(bird chirping)
(intense music)
Come, Your Highness, we
have to get you out of here.
(King Einon grunting)
Oh!
Ah.
Put me down.
We have to keep going, Your Highness.
- No, leave me here.
- Ah, never.
I'm finished.
Go, my old friend.
It is time for my daughter
to fulfill her destiny.
I just wish I could see her one last time.
In a day or two,
you will be fit to travel
and we will go see her together.
(arrow swishing)
Go, go, Errol. Your king commands it.
Go!
Peter, wake up.
We're two days from home.
I want to be sleeping in my
own bed by tomorrow night.
Aren't you excited to see Gwen?
If Gwen's waited for me this long,
she won't mind if I sleep in.
[Ewan] Makes sense.
Ha, good. Just wake me up in an hour.
Peter, do you hear that?
What?
Ah! Dragon brat!
Was that really called for?
Let's go.
Ah, gods, have you been eating turnips?
(lively music)
(arrow swooshing)
Halt, sir. What is your business here?
I've come to see Sister Diana.
Wait there.
Sir Errol, to what do we owe this visit?
The king is dead.
That means little to me.
It means I need the girl.
She is not ready.
Ready or not, now is the time.
Bring me Catrina.
Yes, sister.
Brother-in-law, so
nice of you to drop by.
I love what you've done with the place.
It's not as quite as nice as the palace,
but being that I only got to leave
with my head on my shoulders.
You have your sister to thank for that.
I know, and I will forever
be grateful to her for that.
And how do you show it?
By sending an assassin to kill her?
That assassin was clearly meant for you
after you sent your man to kill me.
You should know that he was
your man right up until the end,
and oh, did he suffer.
His death will be the downfall for you.
Are you referring to the prophecy?
Oh yes, I am well aware.
I also know that you sent the
girl to live with the sisters
after her mother died,
and the sisters are protected
by a powerful ancient magic
that as long as she stays with them,
she is just out of my reach.
Oh, you fool.
You sent for her, didn't you? (Laughing)
Oh, you may yet live to
see me sitting on your throne.
Why are you doing this?
She's your blood.
Funny you should say that.
The more my powers grew,
the more the magic
took its toll on my soul.
I need the blood of a
virgin to complete the spell
that will restore my soul
and make me immortal.
And my daughter's
blood is the only you can get
in this land of a virgin?
You're right, there are plenty of options
I could choose from, but to
sacrifice a family member
would create the most potent,
powerful spell possible.
Oh, woman.
(Mithian laughing)
Kill him.
- Yes, my lady.
Send word throughout the land,
1,000 gold pieces to whoever can bring me
Princess Catrina unspoiled.
It shall be done.
And that last part is very important.
Yes, my lady.
(Mithian laughing)
Come girl, we haven't a moment to lose.
Are we to fond to do with my father?
Your father fell in battle.
No.
Can't be dead.
I never got to apologize.
- For what, my lady?
The last words I said
to him were in anger
for sending me away to the sisterhood.
Your father knew that you
didn't mean what you said.
He told you this?
Many times.
It broke his heart to send you away.
He had to do what was best for the realm.
What do we have here, boys?
Stand aside and you won't be harmed.
Is that so, Granddad?
You're outnumbered three to one.
Give us your gold and we won't have our way
with the little girl.
She's coming in for a kiss.
Come here, beautiful.
(dramatic music)
(sword slicing)
Do you think I'm crazy to believe
that Gwen's been
waiting for me all this time?
Peter, I've seen you
run back into a burning pub
to save a couple bottles of wine.
Of course, I think you're crazy.
Come on, seriously.
I think she would've been crazy
not to have waited for you.
I mean, she was what, 18 when we left?
It's been five years.
That makes her what? 27 now?
- Yeah.
- A few years still
to give you a son the before she's too old.
- A son!
- A couple even.
Never really thought
about being a father.
You can tell them about all
the adventures you went on
with their Uncle Ewan.
You mean all the times their Uncle Ewan
almost got me killed.
You always put a negative spin on things.
Let me ask you this. Did you die?
Well, no, but... Did you hear that?
We should check it out.
(dramatic music)
(fist punching)
(sword clinking)
(dramatic music continues)
No!
(arrow squishing)
You could lend a hand.
Not sure which side you're on.
I'm the good guy.
No, I'm the good guy.
See, how am I to know?
[Catrina] This man is clearly a bandit.
I've known some really nice bandits.
(body thudding)
Do it.
(arrow swooshing)
We'd best be on our way, miss,
before anyone else shows up.
- I can't leave him.
- My lady.
This man is the closest
thing I have left to family
and I'm not going to
leave him for the crows.
[Peter] Hey, I found some
bread and cheese over here.
We're gonna eat well tonight.
This is Peter and I'm Ewan.
Catrina.
See if you can't find
a couple of shovels.
We need to dig a grave for this man.
Thank you.
(intense music)
This is amazing.
You say that now, wait
until you're in the thick of it.
Many adventurists
lost their lives in pursuit
of treasure in this Forest of Igmar.
I thought those were just tails
told to frighten children
and the feeble-minded.
Tales are true.
There's good water just
a little away from here.
We can make camp there.
(intense music continues)
(Ewan humming)
It's beautiful. What is it?
Something my mother
would sing to me as a child.
Where are your parents?
They're gone now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
It was a long time ago.
How long have you been gone from home?
Five years, give or take a few.
And here I am keeping
you away even longer.
You're not keeping me away.
The whole point of this
was to find adventure,
and riches if we could.
Did you?
Yeah, we found plenty of adventure.
And the riches?
Not as much, but we've always had food
and a warm bed when we needed it most.
What are your plans when you get back?
Peter's going back to
farming, or so he says.
Are you a farmer as well?
I was, but no, I could
never go back to that now.
Why not?
Because I've seen the world
more than I ever expected I would,
but now I know there's
always more for me to see.
Though my concern now is
seeing you safely to Valanore.
And I thank you for that.
Get some sleep.
We have a hard day ahead of us tomorrow.
What about you?
Someone has to stand watch.
There are foul things in this forest.
Like what?
Well, it's better not to talk about them
if you're trying to sleep tonight.
I'll take the first watch.
I'll wake you up for yours.
(birds chirping)
You'll be safe till morning.
(twig snapping)
Sister Vanessa?
Thank the stars I found you.
What are you doing here?
Sister Diana said you left the order
and I found the bodies you
left behind in your flurry.
Sir Errol didn't make it.
Why didn't you come back to the order?
I am to fulfill my destiny
and take my rightful
place on my father's throne.
It's not safe for you
out here by yourself.
I can take care of myself
and I have two capable escorts.
Do you think they'll be able
to protect you from Mithian's assassins?
- Think you could do better?
- I do.
You couldn't even beat
me in the training circle.
Well, we aren't in the
training circle anymore,
now are we?
What are you doing?
For the last five years
all I've heard is Catrina is the chosen one
and we must train
Catrina to defeat Mithian.
I still hear Sister Diane's
words in my sleep.
I thought you were my friend.
Whatever gave you that idea?
Until you showed up,
I was Diana's favorite.
I despise you.
Why are you doing this?
(swords swooshing)
For the reward, of course.
(swords clinking)
Mithian has 1,000 gold
piece bounty on your head.
Let me guess. You're here to collect.
Yes.
And Diana's no longer here to protect you.
We were supposed to be sisters.
I was never your sister.
(metal clinking)
(Vanessa thudding)
(sticks cracking)
(birds chirping)
I was thinking last night.
Oh?
You two have already
delayed your return home
long enough for me.
What are you saying?
You should start back home.
I can make my way to the capital on my own.
(Ewan laughing)
What?
That's a good one, miss.
I can make it back without your help.
I wouldn't make that journey on my own.
Then you're not the man I took you for.
Was that really called for?
If you want to go
alone, you're welcome to.
Good luck.
Are you mad? She won't survive.
You know nothing about me.
I can take care of myself.
In that case, it's been a pleasure.
(birds chirping)
You can't send her
off on her own like that.
You know what's out there.
She's made it perfectly clear
she doesn't need our help.
Thank you for stepping in yesterday.
I think you're crazy, but I
wish you luck on your quest.
Good luck to you.
What are you doing? She
doesn't stand a chance.
Calm yourself, my friend.
We're not letting her go on
her own, that would be madness.
There is madness!
No, no, pack your things.
We're going to shadow her
and let her think she's alone
until she gets herself into trouble.
That's a good idea.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(metal clinking)
Shit.
(enchanting music)
You gave her too much of a head start.
Oh, she'll be fine.
The only thing to worry about
in this area are trolls,
but they'll be in their
cave during the daytime.
Something doesn't feel right.
You're just paranoid.
You were saying?
Bandits.
What now?
Don't worry, I have a plan.
Oh, goodie, hopefully
it's better than the one
that got us into this damn mess.
Have faith, my friend.
What? You're seriously
not gonna tell me.
What would be the fun in that?
(enchanting music continues)
Halt.
Who goes there?
We're a couple of weary travelers.
We are hoping to share
your fire for the night.
There are foul things in this forest.
Aye, that there are,
but most don't compare
to the evil in this camp.
You lads don't look so bad.
What is she, like 12?
22, thank you very much.
Don't let her appearance fool you.
Why? She thief?
Worse, she's a witch.
Are you serious?
And a powerful one too.
She survived the flame.
You burned down my home.
I was lucky enough to
escape out the window.
It sounds like a grand story.
I would love to have it
regaled around a fire tonight.
We don't consort with beggars.
Actually, as I said
before, we're travelers.
What's with her?
She has a price on her head.
How much?
5,000 gold coin.
No shit, for her?
She's gonna set us up for the winter.
I see how you'd be excited by that?
And at the same time, it
makes me not like the fact
that we're going to have
to take her from you.
You and what army?
As I've been distracting you,
a dozen hard men have surrounded camp.
Think you're full of shit.
(dramatic music)
Plan B. Peter!
(swords clinking)
Cut me loose. I can help.
(swords clinking)
You fool. What have you done?
You should run.
Ewan, run.
(dramatic music continues)
You sure you wanna give up this life?
Go back to farming and pig shit?
Tristan.
But yeah, in a heartbeat.
I mean, sleeping in the
same bed every night,
the same beautiful woman.
You already have one,
or are you still looking more Ms. Right?
Gwen, she's the prettiest
one in our whole village.
It's been five years, but
I'm sure she's waited for me.
Hopefully you'll find out soon enough
and start the rest of your life with her.
Look at me.
I've got a good feeling about this.
(birds chirping)
You fought well today.
Where did you learn how to use a sword?
I have spent the last
five years living in training
with the Sisters of the Bleeding Heart.
- The killer nuns.
- The very ones.
How did you end up there?
It was my destiny.
To become a cold-blooded killer?
It has long been
foretold that it is my destiny
to kill Mithian and restore
peace to the kingdom.
You?
Yes, me.
Who told you such tales?
My father, the king.
The king. Like King Einon?
Why are you laughing?
[Ewan] You're serious.
Then that would make
you... Princess Catrina.
But don't forget.
(sword swooshing)
I'm a trained assassin,
not a helpless maiden.
Noted.
(wind gusting)
This is the last town
we'll come to for a while.
We should stop and resupply here.
Be on your guard.
Mithian has spies everywhere.
Oh, excuse me, miss.
- Peter?
- Gwen?
- You're alive.
- Of course I'm alive.
Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?
Oh, the family's here on business.
You have put on a little bit of weight.
Actually, I'm pregnant.
This is my youngest.
If that's your youngest,
how old's your oldest?
She just turned four.
I really was gonna wait for you,
but my parents told me
that you and Ewan died
in a battle a month after you left.
I ended up marrying Tristan.
(chuckling) I thought I smelled pig shit.
Oh.
I hope it all turned out well for you.
Gwen, get your ass over here.
I have to go, but I'm
glad you're not dead.
Thanks.
Peter.
(birds cawing)
Shouldn't you go after him?
He just needs to blow off some steam.
We'll get what we need
and we'll find him later.
What are the odds of running
into her this far from home?
Does it surprise you that
she didn't wait for him?
The first year I thought
she would've waited,
but each year after that...
Now come to find out the
whole town thinks we're dead.
Won't they be surprised when you show up?
Show up?
No, there's no reason to go now.
Why not? I'm sure you had friends.
They would've laid claim to our property
when they heard we were dead.
That's sad.
It's a hard life. You
can't fault them for it.
I do feel bad for Peter, though.
Gwen's parents never would've
let him marry her anyway,
but I feel bad.
- Peter?
- Peter?
Peter.
Come on, we've got the supplies,
we have to get out of town.
- Leave me alone.
- You're drunk!
Have you been holding out on us?
Should have never had come with you.
If I would've stayed home,
I'd be home with Gwen.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way,
but you know as well as
I do that your two families
have hated each other for generations.
We could have made it work.
Face it, they either lied
to her so that she would marry
the other guy or she lied to
you to spare your feelings.
She's kind of mean.
Heartless, I know.
We need to move.
There are three of Mithian's men out here.
Where?
You there, you come here for our princess?
(feet pounding)
What the hell is he doing?
I have a bad feeling about this.
(dramatic music)
(body thudding)
(dramatic music continues)
(swords clinking)
(arm thudding)
(swords clinking, slicing)
(dramatic music continues)
Now.
(birds chirping)
(Gwaine whistling)
Oh, oh, oh my good people.
Would you be so kind as to help me in this,
my hour of need?
Gwaine, is that you?
You?
Peter!
You're alive?
Well, of course we're alive.
Oh, happy day.
Well, what happened to you?
It was a big misunderstanding.
It always is.
I was teaching the
fine art of cunnilingus
to a woman and well,
when her legs were
pressed up against my ears,
I couldn't hear her husband come home.
And what happened to the wife?
Oh, she was lucky.
She got stoned to death.
How is that lucky?
Well, I've been here
for two days straight
and I've been plowed more times
than my neighbor's fields.
If you'd be so kind and just
release me from my bonds,
I'd be forever in your debt.
One moment.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Just talk amongst yourselves.
Though of you could
hurry it up and figure it out
before the next wave
comes, that would be great.
What do you think?
I think this is hilarious.
Yes, but should we help him?
A woman died because of him.
We know him. He's from our town.
It does seem that she
was a willing participant.
How is it fair that she is
dead and he just gets a tan?
[Ewan] Do you know how
many times you've been buggered?
I stopped counting after 25.
You see, this man has been buggered
more than 25 times in two days.
Did you enjoy it?
What?
I heard it can be enjoyable.
Maybe if you're a willing participant.
Did you enjoy it?
Not in the least.
But I did pass out a
few times from the pain,
so that was nice.
Oh, thank you.
Deliver me.
You just gotta-
One, two, three.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh. Ooh, ah.
Oh, thank you.
Perhaps you should
put on some pants first.
It's fair.
What is taking so long?
Might I remind them
that if we miss this window,
you won't get another
opportunity for over 100 years.
I am well aware of that.
Every single mercenary is
out there looking for her.
She will be found.
- Yes, my lady.
- Leave me.
Why am I surrounded by idiots?
You know,
I don't believe we've been
properly introduced yet.
Allow me to introduce our companion.
Catrina, Princess of Valanore.
Good one, brother. (Laughing)
What brothel he pick you up
at, sweetheart? (Laughing)
Right.
[Gwaine] You're not joking, are you?
Nope.
Forgive me, my lady.
There's nothing to forgive.
After spending the last few days with Ewan,
I can see where you'd assume
he found me in a brothel.
You know, while I was
walking through the forest,
I couldn't help but
think about the situation
we find ourselves in.
What situation is that?
(Gwaine grunting)
(Ewan thudding)
Don't move an inch.
Touch those weapons and I
will bash his little head in.
[Peter] We trusted you!
Ooh, while I appreciate that,
the bounty on her head seems
a little bit more enticing.
Now move.
(intense music)
(metal clinking)
Well done.
I was beginning to fear
that everyone had failed me.
I did not need this one.
Give up now before it's too late.
He's got spirit.
He was one of her protectors.
And the other one?
He won't be an issue.
Yeah, he will.
You'll be sorry when Ewan comes to save us.
You are close to him?
Practically brothers,
and if anything happens to me
or her, he'll kill all of you
and leave your rotten bodies for the crows!
A brother who convinced
you to leave your home
for his own selfish desires.
It's not like that at all.
Oh, but wasn't it?
You left the chance at love
and a family and for what?
To live in the dirt,
not knowing where your
next meal would come from.
What did I have to offer
her compared to Tristan?
Oh, that must be the pig
farmer she's breeding with.
He'll do nicely.
And about my reward?
Ah, yes.
10,000 gold coin.
Ah, 10,000?
And I deserve every penny of it.
Don't worry, you'll get
what you deserve. (Laughing)
(lively music)
(Gregory laughing)
(Ewan groaning)
Gregory, of course it
would be you to find me.
Did you have to piss on me?
I wasn't about to waste
good wine on waking you up,
not after what you did to my daughter.
How many times am I going
to have to apologize for that?
(Gregory laughing)
Where's Peter?
Where's Catrina?
[Gregory] Gone. Wait, Catrina?
Princess Catrina.
She hasn't been seen
in the kingdom in years.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a hell of a knot
on your head there, lad.
I have to get to her before Mithian does.
Mithian? The prophecy.
It's true.
Now help me up.
You're in no shape to travel.
Now let me tend your wounds.
You're gonna need all your strength, lad.
(fire crackling)
You should be resting.
I can't sleep.
Thank you, by the way.
I know I'm not your favorite person.
You know, I cast that
spell on my daughter
to hide her in the lake
until Arthur came along.
It was a brilliant plan
until you showed up.
First you steal her heart,
then you steal her innocence,
then you steal her sword, in that order.
[Ewan] I'm never going
to live that down, am I?
You're a good lad.
You're gonna need this if
you wanna take on Mithian.
What is it?
She has the power of mind control.
This is the dragon's nut sack.
- Ugh.
- Take it.
You're gonna need it if
you wanna defeat her.
Did you know Mithian?
She was a student of
mine back in Valanore
before she gained her powers.
What happened?
Things were going great until we
were supposed to have
a long romantic weekend
in a wonderful magical land called Napa.
What?
While she was my student,
she found a magical object
called the Eye of the Pegasus.
It was an old magical object that got lost
in a huge storm 100 years ago.
Now this thing's so powerful
that in someone's hands like hers,
it can give her powers tenfold strength,
but it will also corrupt
the most purest of souls.
How did she get it?
Magical objects find magical people.
It's as simple and as complicated as that.
Well, if she's so powerful,
how could we ever hope to defeat her?
By now, she's so intertwined
with the Eye of the Pegasus
that if you destroy it, you destroy her.
Get some rest, lad, you're gonna need it.
(intense music)
Take the road to the east.
That'll take you directly
into Mithian's realm.
You know, you should come and fight.
I could use a wizard by my side in battle.
It's complicated, kid.
Now go and don't let my
good work go to waste.
Kill that witch.
Hey, you don't have a sword.
I know where I'll get one.
You stay away from my daughter
or I'll turn you into a toad.
You'll never get away with this.
Oh, but I already have. (Laughing)
(Mithian's Dark Guard chanting)
Peter, you're alive.
You won't be for much longer.
Mithian has corrupted your mind.
I see through your lies, Ewan.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(swords clinking)
(dramatic music continues)
[Narrator] The dragon's
nut sack firmly gripped
in his hand, Peter could
feel the restorative power
of its ancient magic flying to and fro,
smacking him about the forehead and cheeks.
With this ancient arcane power,
it gave him the strength to join Ewan
in the siege on Mithian's castle,
if they aren't already too late.
That's not possible!
[Dark Guard] Must not been a virgin.
- You're not a virgin?
- I am, I swear.
Well, there was this one night
with a couple of the sisters.
That doesn't count!
Does it?
Peter, now!
No!
(crystal ball crashing)
You know, I never
thought I would say this,
but I'm glad you're not a virgin.
Ewen, I've... Had it
under control? Clearly.
Well, yes, but what I was going to say-
Hey, there's no need to thank us.
Peter and I are happy to serve the kingdom.
And I'm glad for that, but-
Catrina, there's something
that I have to tell you.
Uh, guys, little help.
Ewan!
Really? Really, guys?
Guys, you always do this.
- What?
- What?
Every campaign for a month,
you guys gang up on me and torture me
and find a way to just
kill me off at the end.
No, we don't.
[Peter] Bullshit!
(game clunking)
I'm going home.
Same time next weekend, right?
Yeah, yeah.
(door squeaking, slamming)
Maybe we shouldn't
gang up on him next time.
What fun would that be?
(crystals tinkling)
(Mithian laughing)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(enchanting music)
(enchanting music continues)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(enchanting music)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(thunder cracking)
(thunder roaring)
(intense music)
[Narrator] In land of
myth, in the time of magic,
the Kingdom of Valanore stood
like a shining beacon of hope,
but a darkness had fallen over the land
in the shape of the evil witch Mithian.
No longer able to ignore this,
King Einon sends one
of his fiercest warriors
to deal with the situation.
This is the tale of Valanore.
(fire roaring)
(fire crackling)
(fire crackling)
Come into the light, boy.
There's things in this forest
that will eat you whole.
Put that thing down
before you hurt yourself.
If I wanted to hurt you,
I could have done it a dozen times today.
(flames popping)
You hungry?
(forest insects chirping)
What's your name?
Gildred.
Gildred, sir.
So why have you been following me?
I was on my way to
Valanore and I got lost.
You were the first
person I've seen in days.
I hate to be the one to tell you this,
but Valanore is the other way.
No.
What are you going to Valanore for?
I wanna be a knight.
Aren't you a little young, kid?
Well, I'm not afraid.
I'm not afraid to fight.
I'm sure you're not,
but a knight in the King's
Guard tends to be a little older
and a whole lot bigger than you.
Tell you what.
Why don't you come along
with me and be my squire.
I might not look like it,
but I'm actually a knight
in the King's Guard.
What are you doing out here?
I'm on a mission from
the king to destroy an evil
that's been plaguing
our lands for a long time.
Do I have myself a squire?
Yes, yes, yes, sir.
All right, then get some sleep.
We got a long day ahead of us tomorrow.
Wake up at couple hours for first watch.
Yes, sir.
(intense music)
(birds chirping)
Listen, boy, we get there, you be quiet,
you stay behind me.
The only chance we have of defeating her
is if we get the jump on her.
Yes, sir.
You're gonna see
horrors the likes of which
you've never seen.
Are you sure you're ready for this?
Yes, sir.
Good lad. Follow me.
(intense music)
Whoa.
Oh, she's beautiful.
She's a hell beast
that must be destroyed.
(intense music continues)
Now's my chance.
(powers thundering)
How bizarre.
Long time no see.
Not long enough, you evil hag.
Still the charmer, aren't you?
I can't believe you thought
you could take me on
with just a boy as your backup.
I don't know what you're talking about.
I'm here by myself.
Gilred, come out here
where I can see you.
Don't do it, boy!
It's okay, boy, I won't harm you.
That's a good lad.
How did you know my name, my lady?
Oh, I have magic.
I also know that you wanna go to Valanore
to become a knight for the king.
Yes, my lady.
And yet here you are with this old man
sneaking into my home.
I got lost in the forest.
If I could show you the way to Valanore,
would you give the king a message for me?
I would, my lady, but
what will happen to him?
I have special plans for
my old friend, Balthazar.
Guards.
Take Gildred here to the
main gate and set him free.
He has urgent business with the king.
Godspeed, Gildred.
[Balthazar] You've just
signed that boy's death warrant.
Oh, it's too bad we won't
be there to see it, huh?
But now for you, you
I'm gonna have fun with.
(Mithian laughing)
(gentle music)
Why am I dressed like a peasant?
You can't expect to blend
in dressed like the princess.
You don't understand
the dangers that lie ahead.
Trust me.
(mysterious music)
Sir Errol, why have you sent for us?
The prophecy is true.
And this is the girl?
Yes.
She is no longer safe in the kingdom.
What do you expect from us?
You need to protect and train her
so she can fulfill the prophecy.
You ask a lot of me
and my sisters, good sir.
This is by request of the king.
Very well. We will take the girl.
You may have just
saved the kingdom, sister.
We shall see.
I still don't understand
why I must stay here.
Why can't you train me?
The sisters can teach
you more than I ever could.
Learn as much as you can.
Fate of the kingdom lies with you.
Come child, it's time to go.
(somber music)
(crickets chirping)
(wings flittering)
(wings flittering continues)
(wings flittering continues)
That was a damn fool thing to do.
- Ewan, is that you?
- Gwen?
What are you doing out here at night?
[Gwen] I was trying to catch a fairy.
It's not safe out here.
- You are out here alone.
- Yes.
Is it because I'm a girl?
[Ewan] Well, yes, and that's not how
you catch a fairy, anyway.
Well, if you are such a master,
why don't you show me how it works?
They're not going to
come back around tonight
after you scared them off like that,
but the trick is you have to ease in slowly
until one of them lands on you.
Just next time, get me or
Peter to come out with you
and we'll show you how it's done.
Why would Peter wanna
come out here with me?
Haven't you noticed he fancies you?
I may have noticed,
but Tristan's been coming around as well.
Tristan, he smells of pig shit.
He's a successful pig farmer.
Do you really wanna
be the wife of a pig farmer,
successful or not?
Well, if you don't like the idea,
you can always ask me to marry you.
You don't want to marry me.
I won't be around here much longer.
Where are you going?
I've decided to go on a quest.
(laughing) What kind of quest?
That I don't know yet,
but ever since my parents died,
I've known I needed to get out of here.
Did you know that neither
of them ever traveled
more than a day's ride from our village?
What's wrong with that?
Don't you wonder what
more the world has to offer?
I can see it now, Ewan
the Bold. (Laughing)
You see, I'll be rich and
famous and you'll be siring
Tristan's little piglets.
You don't have to be mean.
Let's get you home before your parents
think we're up to something.
(bright music)
[Peter] You've got a lot
of nerves showing up here.
What did I do?
I heard you spent last night
in the western woods with Gwen.
You know how I feel about her.
- Where'd you hear that?
- Doesn't matter where.
Is it true?
- Yes, but nothing happened.
- Son of a bitch.
I was in the western wood
trying to catch a fairy when she jumped out
of the bushes and scared them all the way.
She jumped out of the bushes?
Well, she was trying
to catch a fairy too.
That's not how any of that shit works.
And that's what I told her,
and I know the way that you feel about her.
I would never try and steal her away.
There's been other bulls sniffing around.
Like who?
Tristan.
Tristan, he stinks some pig shit!
I know he does.
He's already successful.
Why would she pick me over him?
Well, you do smell
better than him most days,
and you're going to be rich and famous.
(laughing) Have you
been at the tavern all day?
How am I gonna be rich and famous?
You're going to come with me on a quest
and we will travel the
countryside, our swords for hire.
You're mad, do you know that?
There's nothing holding us here,
and there's a wide world to see.
What are you thinking,
like a month or something?
Tomorrow.
Tomorrow! Oh, you are mad.
Why so soon?
Talking to Gwen made me realize
that no one's going to take
me seriously until I do this,
so let's do it.
What about Gwen?
What about Gwen?
Go to her, profess your love.
Tell her you'll be back
in one year to marry her.
I need to think about this.
Take your time, my friend,
but if you're not at the
east crossroads by dawn,
I will leave without you.
One year of adventure
and you'll be back to
marry Gwen, I promise.
(lively music)
I almost thought you weren't gonna make it.
I wasn't sure I was until
I was already on the way.
Where the fuck's the sword?
I'll will pick one up along the way.
Did you talk to Gwen?
Not exactly.
What do you mean not exactly?
Well, I wrote her a letter
and slipped it under her door.
You can read and write?
This could come in handy on the quest.
What'd your letter say?
It said, "My Dearest Gwen",
by the time you read
this, I will be with Ewan
as we go off to make our fortune.
I care for you deeply,
and if you will wait for me,
"I want to make you my
wife upon my return."
(thoughtful music)
So you don't even
know what her answer is.
No.
You have some balls, my friend.
If we're gonna get you back here in a year,
we'd better get started.
This is where we start?
The Forest of Igmar is our best chance
to strike it rich and get you back to Gwen
before Tristan sinks his hooks into her.
They say it's full
of all manners of evil.
And chock full of treasure.
Just be aware, if you get
me killed, I will haunt you.
Noted.
(intense music)
[Narrator] Five long
years have come to pass.
Mithian has grown ever stronger.
Peter and Ewan have found enough adventure
for 10 lifetimes, and all the while,
Princess Catrina still searches
to find her place in this world.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(sword squishing)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(sword thrusting, squishing)
(bird chirping)
(intense music)
Come, Your Highness, we
have to get you out of here.
(King Einon grunting)
Oh!
Ah.
Put me down.
We have to keep going, Your Highness.
- No, leave me here.
- Ah, never.
I'm finished.
Go, my old friend.
It is time for my daughter
to fulfill her destiny.
I just wish I could see her one last time.
In a day or two,
you will be fit to travel
and we will go see her together.
(arrow swishing)
Go, go, Errol. Your king commands it.
Go!
Peter, wake up.
We're two days from home.
I want to be sleeping in my
own bed by tomorrow night.
Aren't you excited to see Gwen?
If Gwen's waited for me this long,
she won't mind if I sleep in.
[Ewan] Makes sense.
Ha, good. Just wake me up in an hour.
Peter, do you hear that?
What?
Ah! Dragon brat!
Was that really called for?
Let's go.
Ah, gods, have you been eating turnips?
(lively music)
(arrow swooshing)
Halt, sir. What is your business here?
I've come to see Sister Diana.
Wait there.
Sir Errol, to what do we owe this visit?
The king is dead.
That means little to me.
It means I need the girl.
She is not ready.
Ready or not, now is the time.
Bring me Catrina.
Yes, sister.
Brother-in-law, so
nice of you to drop by.
I love what you've done with the place.
It's not as quite as nice as the palace,
but being that I only got to leave
with my head on my shoulders.
You have your sister to thank for that.
I know, and I will forever
be grateful to her for that.
And how do you show it?
By sending an assassin to kill her?
That assassin was clearly meant for you
after you sent your man to kill me.
You should know that he was
your man right up until the end,
and oh, did he suffer.
His death will be the downfall for you.
Are you referring to the prophecy?
Oh yes, I am well aware.
I also know that you sent the
girl to live with the sisters
after her mother died,
and the sisters are protected
by a powerful ancient magic
that as long as she stays with them,
she is just out of my reach.
Oh, you fool.
You sent for her, didn't you? (Laughing)
Oh, you may yet live to
see me sitting on your throne.
Why are you doing this?
She's your blood.
Funny you should say that.
The more my powers grew,
the more the magic
took its toll on my soul.
I need the blood of a
virgin to complete the spell
that will restore my soul
and make me immortal.
And my daughter's
blood is the only you can get
in this land of a virgin?
You're right, there are plenty of options
I could choose from, but to
sacrifice a family member
would create the most potent,
powerful spell possible.
Oh, woman.
(Mithian laughing)
Kill him.
- Yes, my lady.
Send word throughout the land,
1,000 gold pieces to whoever can bring me
Princess Catrina unspoiled.
It shall be done.
And that last part is very important.
Yes, my lady.
(Mithian laughing)
Come girl, we haven't a moment to lose.
Are we to fond to do with my father?
Your father fell in battle.
No.
Can't be dead.
I never got to apologize.
- For what, my lady?
The last words I said
to him were in anger
for sending me away to the sisterhood.
Your father knew that you
didn't mean what you said.
He told you this?
Many times.
It broke his heart to send you away.
He had to do what was best for the realm.
What do we have here, boys?
Stand aside and you won't be harmed.
Is that so, Granddad?
You're outnumbered three to one.
Give us your gold and we won't have our way
with the little girl.
She's coming in for a kiss.
Come here, beautiful.
(dramatic music)
(sword slicing)
Do you think I'm crazy to believe
that Gwen's been
waiting for me all this time?
Peter, I've seen you
run back into a burning pub
to save a couple bottles of wine.
Of course, I think you're crazy.
Come on, seriously.
I think she would've been crazy
not to have waited for you.
I mean, she was what, 18 when we left?
It's been five years.
That makes her what? 27 now?
- Yeah.
- A few years still
to give you a son the before she's too old.
- A son!
- A couple even.
Never really thought
about being a father.
You can tell them about all
the adventures you went on
with their Uncle Ewan.
You mean all the times their Uncle Ewan
almost got me killed.
You always put a negative spin on things.
Let me ask you this. Did you die?
Well, no, but... Did you hear that?
We should check it out.
(dramatic music)
(fist punching)
(sword clinking)
(dramatic music continues)
No!
(arrow squishing)
You could lend a hand.
Not sure which side you're on.
I'm the good guy.
No, I'm the good guy.
See, how am I to know?
[Catrina] This man is clearly a bandit.
I've known some really nice bandits.
(body thudding)
Do it.
(arrow swooshing)
We'd best be on our way, miss,
before anyone else shows up.
- I can't leave him.
- My lady.
This man is the closest
thing I have left to family
and I'm not going to
leave him for the crows.
[Peter] Hey, I found some
bread and cheese over here.
We're gonna eat well tonight.
This is Peter and I'm Ewan.
Catrina.
See if you can't find
a couple of shovels.
We need to dig a grave for this man.
Thank you.
(intense music)
This is amazing.
You say that now, wait
until you're in the thick of it.
Many adventurists
lost their lives in pursuit
of treasure in this Forest of Igmar.
I thought those were just tails
told to frighten children
and the feeble-minded.
Tales are true.
There's good water just
a little away from here.
We can make camp there.
(intense music continues)
(Ewan humming)
It's beautiful. What is it?
Something my mother
would sing to me as a child.
Where are your parents?
They're gone now.
Oh, I'm sorry.
No, don't be sorry.
It was a long time ago.
How long have you been gone from home?
Five years, give or take a few.
And here I am keeping
you away even longer.
You're not keeping me away.
The whole point of this
was to find adventure,
and riches if we could.
Did you?
Yeah, we found plenty of adventure.
And the riches?
Not as much, but we've always had food
and a warm bed when we needed it most.
What are your plans when you get back?
Peter's going back to
farming, or so he says.
Are you a farmer as well?
I was, but no, I could
never go back to that now.
Why not?
Because I've seen the world
more than I ever expected I would,
but now I know there's
always more for me to see.
Though my concern now is
seeing you safely to Valanore.
And I thank you for that.
Get some sleep.
We have a hard day ahead of us tomorrow.
What about you?
Someone has to stand watch.
There are foul things in this forest.
Like what?
Well, it's better not to talk about them
if you're trying to sleep tonight.
I'll take the first watch.
I'll wake you up for yours.
(birds chirping)
You'll be safe till morning.
(twig snapping)
Sister Vanessa?
Thank the stars I found you.
What are you doing here?
Sister Diana said you left the order
and I found the bodies you
left behind in your flurry.
Sir Errol didn't make it.
Why didn't you come back to the order?
I am to fulfill my destiny
and take my rightful
place on my father's throne.
It's not safe for you
out here by yourself.
I can take care of myself
and I have two capable escorts.
Do you think they'll be able
to protect you from Mithian's assassins?
- Think you could do better?
- I do.
You couldn't even beat
me in the training circle.
Well, we aren't in the
training circle anymore,
now are we?
What are you doing?
For the last five years
all I've heard is Catrina is the chosen one
and we must train
Catrina to defeat Mithian.
I still hear Sister Diane's
words in my sleep.
I thought you were my friend.
Whatever gave you that idea?
Until you showed up,
I was Diana's favorite.
I despise you.
Why are you doing this?
(swords swooshing)
For the reward, of course.
(swords clinking)
Mithian has 1,000 gold
piece bounty on your head.
Let me guess. You're here to collect.
Yes.
And Diana's no longer here to protect you.
We were supposed to be sisters.
I was never your sister.
(metal clinking)
(Vanessa thudding)
(sticks cracking)
(birds chirping)
I was thinking last night.
Oh?
You two have already
delayed your return home
long enough for me.
What are you saying?
You should start back home.
I can make my way to the capital on my own.
(Ewan laughing)
What?
That's a good one, miss.
I can make it back without your help.
I wouldn't make that journey on my own.
Then you're not the man I took you for.
Was that really called for?
If you want to go
alone, you're welcome to.
Good luck.
Are you mad? She won't survive.
You know nothing about me.
I can take care of myself.
In that case, it's been a pleasure.
(birds chirping)
You can't send her
off on her own like that.
You know what's out there.
She's made it perfectly clear
she doesn't need our help.
Thank you for stepping in yesterday.
I think you're crazy, but I
wish you luck on your quest.
Good luck to you.
What are you doing? She
doesn't stand a chance.
Calm yourself, my friend.
We're not letting her go on
her own, that would be madness.
There is madness!
No, no, pack your things.
We're going to shadow her
and let her think she's alone
until she gets herself into trouble.
That's a good idea.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(metal clinking)
Shit.
(enchanting music)
You gave her too much of a head start.
Oh, she'll be fine.
The only thing to worry about
in this area are trolls,
but they'll be in their
cave during the daytime.
Something doesn't feel right.
You're just paranoid.
You were saying?
Bandits.
What now?
Don't worry, I have a plan.
Oh, goodie, hopefully
it's better than the one
that got us into this damn mess.
Have faith, my friend.
What? You're seriously
not gonna tell me.
What would be the fun in that?
(enchanting music continues)
Halt.
Who goes there?
We're a couple of weary travelers.
We are hoping to share
your fire for the night.
There are foul things in this forest.
Aye, that there are,
but most don't compare
to the evil in this camp.
You lads don't look so bad.
What is she, like 12?
22, thank you very much.
Don't let her appearance fool you.
Why? She thief?
Worse, she's a witch.
Are you serious?
And a powerful one too.
She survived the flame.
You burned down my home.
I was lucky enough to
escape out the window.
It sounds like a grand story.
I would love to have it
regaled around a fire tonight.
We don't consort with beggars.
Actually, as I said
before, we're travelers.
What's with her?
She has a price on her head.
How much?
5,000 gold coin.
No shit, for her?
She's gonna set us up for the winter.
I see how you'd be excited by that?
And at the same time, it
makes me not like the fact
that we're going to have
to take her from you.
You and what army?
As I've been distracting you,
a dozen hard men have surrounded camp.
Think you're full of shit.
(dramatic music)
Plan B. Peter!
(swords clinking)
Cut me loose. I can help.
(swords clinking)
You fool. What have you done?
You should run.
Ewan, run.
(dramatic music continues)
You sure you wanna give up this life?
Go back to farming and pig shit?
Tristan.
But yeah, in a heartbeat.
I mean, sleeping in the
same bed every night,
the same beautiful woman.
You already have one,
or are you still looking more Ms. Right?
Gwen, she's the prettiest
one in our whole village.
It's been five years, but
I'm sure she's waited for me.
Hopefully you'll find out soon enough
and start the rest of your life with her.
Look at me.
I've got a good feeling about this.
(birds chirping)
You fought well today.
Where did you learn how to use a sword?
I have spent the last
five years living in training
with the Sisters of the Bleeding Heart.
- The killer nuns.
- The very ones.
How did you end up there?
It was my destiny.
To become a cold-blooded killer?
It has long been
foretold that it is my destiny
to kill Mithian and restore
peace to the kingdom.
You?
Yes, me.
Who told you such tales?
My father, the king.
The king. Like King Einon?
Why are you laughing?
[Ewan] You're serious.
Then that would make
you... Princess Catrina.
But don't forget.
(sword swooshing)
I'm a trained assassin,
not a helpless maiden.
Noted.
(wind gusting)
This is the last town
we'll come to for a while.
We should stop and resupply here.
Be on your guard.
Mithian has spies everywhere.
Oh, excuse me, miss.
- Peter?
- Gwen?
- You're alive.
- Of course I'm alive.
Oh my gosh, what are you doing here?
Oh, the family's here on business.
You have put on a little bit of weight.
Actually, I'm pregnant.
This is my youngest.
If that's your youngest,
how old's your oldest?
She just turned four.
I really was gonna wait for you,
but my parents told me
that you and Ewan died
in a battle a month after you left.
I ended up marrying Tristan.
(chuckling) I thought I smelled pig shit.
Oh.
I hope it all turned out well for you.
Gwen, get your ass over here.
I have to go, but I'm
glad you're not dead.
Thanks.
Peter.
(birds cawing)
Shouldn't you go after him?
He just needs to blow off some steam.
We'll get what we need
and we'll find him later.
What are the odds of running
into her this far from home?
Does it surprise you that
she didn't wait for him?
The first year I thought
she would've waited,
but each year after that...
Now come to find out the
whole town thinks we're dead.
Won't they be surprised when you show up?
Show up?
No, there's no reason to go now.
Why not? I'm sure you had friends.
They would've laid claim to our property
when they heard we were dead.
That's sad.
It's a hard life. You
can't fault them for it.
I do feel bad for Peter, though.
Gwen's parents never would've
let him marry her anyway,
but I feel bad.
- Peter?
- Peter?
Peter.
Come on, we've got the supplies,
we have to get out of town.
- Leave me alone.
- You're drunk!
Have you been holding out on us?
Should have never had come with you.
If I would've stayed home,
I'd be home with Gwen.
I'm sorry you had to find out this way,
but you know as well as
I do that your two families
have hated each other for generations.
We could have made it work.
Face it, they either lied
to her so that she would marry
the other guy or she lied to
you to spare your feelings.
She's kind of mean.
Heartless, I know.
We need to move.
There are three of Mithian's men out here.
Where?
You there, you come here for our princess?
(feet pounding)
What the hell is he doing?
I have a bad feeling about this.
(dramatic music)
(body thudding)
(dramatic music continues)
(swords clinking)
(arm thudding)
(swords clinking, slicing)
(dramatic music continues)
Now.
(birds chirping)
(Gwaine whistling)
Oh, oh, oh my good people.
Would you be so kind as to help me in this,
my hour of need?
Gwaine, is that you?
You?
Peter!
You're alive?
Well, of course we're alive.
Oh, happy day.
Well, what happened to you?
It was a big misunderstanding.
It always is.
I was teaching the
fine art of cunnilingus
to a woman and well,
when her legs were
pressed up against my ears,
I couldn't hear her husband come home.
And what happened to the wife?
Oh, she was lucky.
She got stoned to death.
How is that lucky?
Well, I've been here
for two days straight
and I've been plowed more times
than my neighbor's fields.
If you'd be so kind and just
release me from my bonds,
I'd be forever in your debt.
One moment.
Oh, sure, sure, sure.
Just talk amongst yourselves.
Though of you could
hurry it up and figure it out
before the next wave
comes, that would be great.
What do you think?
I think this is hilarious.
Yes, but should we help him?
A woman died because of him.
We know him. He's from our town.
It does seem that she
was a willing participant.
How is it fair that she is
dead and he just gets a tan?
[Ewan] Do you know how
many times you've been buggered?
I stopped counting after 25.
You see, this man has been buggered
more than 25 times in two days.
Did you enjoy it?
What?
I heard it can be enjoyable.
Maybe if you're a willing participant.
Did you enjoy it?
Not in the least.
But I did pass out a
few times from the pain,
so that was nice.
Oh, thank you.
Deliver me.
You just gotta-
One, two, three.
Oh, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes, yes.
Oh. Ooh, ah.
Oh, thank you.
Perhaps you should
put on some pants first.
It's fair.
What is taking so long?
Might I remind them
that if we miss this window,
you won't get another
opportunity for over 100 years.
I am well aware of that.
Every single mercenary is
out there looking for her.
She will be found.
- Yes, my lady.
- Leave me.
Why am I surrounded by idiots?
You know,
I don't believe we've been
properly introduced yet.
Allow me to introduce our companion.
Catrina, Princess of Valanore.
Good one, brother. (Laughing)
What brothel he pick you up
at, sweetheart? (Laughing)
Right.
[Gwaine] You're not joking, are you?
Nope.
Forgive me, my lady.
There's nothing to forgive.
After spending the last few days with Ewan,
I can see where you'd assume
he found me in a brothel.
You know, while I was
walking through the forest,
I couldn't help but
think about the situation
we find ourselves in.
What situation is that?
(Gwaine grunting)
(Ewan thudding)
Don't move an inch.
Touch those weapons and I
will bash his little head in.
[Peter] We trusted you!
Ooh, while I appreciate that,
the bounty on her head seems
a little bit more enticing.
Now move.
(intense music)
(metal clinking)
Well done.
I was beginning to fear
that everyone had failed me.
I did not need this one.
Give up now before it's too late.
He's got spirit.
He was one of her protectors.
And the other one?
He won't be an issue.
Yeah, he will.
You'll be sorry when Ewan comes to save us.
You are close to him?
Practically brothers,
and if anything happens to me
or her, he'll kill all of you
and leave your rotten bodies for the crows!
A brother who convinced
you to leave your home
for his own selfish desires.
It's not like that at all.
Oh, but wasn't it?
You left the chance at love
and a family and for what?
To live in the dirt,
not knowing where your
next meal would come from.
What did I have to offer
her compared to Tristan?
Oh, that must be the pig
farmer she's breeding with.
He'll do nicely.
And about my reward?
Ah, yes.
10,000 gold coin.
Ah, 10,000?
And I deserve every penny of it.
Don't worry, you'll get
what you deserve. (Laughing)
(lively music)
(Gregory laughing)
(Ewan groaning)
Gregory, of course it
would be you to find me.
Did you have to piss on me?
I wasn't about to waste
good wine on waking you up,
not after what you did to my daughter.
How many times am I going
to have to apologize for that?
(Gregory laughing)
Where's Peter?
Where's Catrina?
[Gregory] Gone. Wait, Catrina?
Princess Catrina.
She hasn't been seen
in the kingdom in years.
Whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa, whoa.
That's a hell of a knot
on your head there, lad.
I have to get to her before Mithian does.
Mithian? The prophecy.
It's true.
Now help me up.
You're in no shape to travel.
Now let me tend your wounds.
You're gonna need all your strength, lad.
(fire crackling)
You should be resting.
I can't sleep.
Thank you, by the way.
I know I'm not your favorite person.
You know, I cast that
spell on my daughter
to hide her in the lake
until Arthur came along.
It was a brilliant plan
until you showed up.
First you steal her heart,
then you steal her innocence,
then you steal her sword, in that order.
[Ewan] I'm never going
to live that down, am I?
You're a good lad.
You're gonna need this if
you wanna take on Mithian.
What is it?
She has the power of mind control.
This is the dragon's nut sack.
- Ugh.
- Take it.
You're gonna need it if
you wanna defeat her.
Did you know Mithian?
She was a student of
mine back in Valanore
before she gained her powers.
What happened?
Things were going great until we
were supposed to have
a long romantic weekend
in a wonderful magical land called Napa.
What?
While she was my student,
she found a magical object
called the Eye of the Pegasus.
It was an old magical object that got lost
in a huge storm 100 years ago.
Now this thing's so powerful
that in someone's hands like hers,
it can give her powers tenfold strength,
but it will also corrupt
the most purest of souls.
How did she get it?
Magical objects find magical people.
It's as simple and as complicated as that.
Well, if she's so powerful,
how could we ever hope to defeat her?
By now, she's so intertwined
with the Eye of the Pegasus
that if you destroy it, you destroy her.
Get some rest, lad, you're gonna need it.
(intense music)
Take the road to the east.
That'll take you directly
into Mithian's realm.
You know, you should come and fight.
I could use a wizard by my side in battle.
It's complicated, kid.
Now go and don't let my
good work go to waste.
Kill that witch.
Hey, you don't have a sword.
I know where I'll get one.
You stay away from my daughter
or I'll turn you into a toad.
You'll never get away with this.
Oh, but I already have. (Laughing)
(Mithian's Dark Guard chanting)
Peter, you're alive.
You won't be for much longer.
Mithian has corrupted your mind.
I see through your lies, Ewan.
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(swords clinking)
(dramatic music continues)
[Narrator] The dragon's
nut sack firmly gripped
in his hand, Peter could
feel the restorative power
of its ancient magic flying to and fro,
smacking him about the forehead and cheeks.
With this ancient arcane power,
it gave him the strength to join Ewan
in the siege on Mithian's castle,
if they aren't already too late.
That's not possible!
[Dark Guard] Must not been a virgin.
- You're not a virgin?
- I am, I swear.
Well, there was this one night
with a couple of the sisters.
That doesn't count!
Does it?
Peter, now!
No!
(crystal ball crashing)
You know, I never
thought I would say this,
but I'm glad you're not a virgin.
Ewen, I've... Had it
under control? Clearly.
Well, yes, but what I was going to say-
Hey, there's no need to thank us.
Peter and I are happy to serve the kingdom.
And I'm glad for that, but-
Catrina, there's something
that I have to tell you.
Uh, guys, little help.
Ewan!
Really? Really, guys?
Guys, you always do this.
- What?
- What?
Every campaign for a month,
you guys gang up on me and torture me
and find a way to just
kill me off at the end.
No, we don't.
[Peter] Bullshit!
(game clunking)
I'm going home.
Same time next weekend, right?
Yeah, yeah.
(door squeaking, slamming)
Maybe we shouldn't
gang up on him next time.
What fun would that be?
(crystals tinkling)
(Mithian laughing)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(enchanting music)
(enchanting music continues)
(dramatic music)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
(dramatic music continues)
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(enchanting music)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)
(enchanting music continues)