V/H/S/94 (2021) Movie Script

[ominous music]
[crow caws]
[tense music]
[ominous music]
[VCR clatters]
[foreboding music]
10, nine, eight, seven,
six, five, four,
three, two, one.
[static hisses]
[Officer] This is
an important bust.
We need it after Slater
fucked up that raid
at the strip club.
Say hi, Gary.
Hi, Gary.
[Officer] First
drug raid, Gary?
We're coming up!
I'll make the announcement
when we get inside!
Police, search warrant, don't
move, show me your hands!
Lab says that goopy
shit from the van
is a monster of a compound.
So what?
Do you shoot it,
slurp it, or sniff it?
Well, we're about to find out.
Let's assume it's
very fucking potent
and highly addictive!
Well we all saw what
it did to that girl.
[heavy rock music]
Let's roll out!
[dog barks]
Listen up.
Get down means get fucking down.
10-26 means crime in progress,
and 29-9 means erase
the fucking tape.
[Petro] Hey, you stay with me.
Running out, going in!
- [officers shout]
- Police, search warrant!
[alarm rings]
Police, search warrant!
- Police!
- Police, search warrant!
Police, police!
[police radio chatters]
- Search warrant!
- Coming up on your left.
- Search warrant!
- Don't fucking shoot!
- Search warrant!
- We're taking the lead!
[Slater] Get the fuck back!
- Low to the left!
- Damn it!
[Slater] Where
are these fucks?
[Petro] Oursler,
Slater, check in.
- Search warrant!
- We're seeing planes here.
These guys could be
heavier-armed than we thought.
[Slater] Keep
this channel clear,
you fucking professional!
[jingle chimes]
[Woman] All are welcome.
All are watching.
Finally, followers,
tonight is the night
you've been waiting for.
Track my signal.
- The signal is the stimulant.
- Clear!
- The signal is the sedative.
- Clear!
[Woman] The
signal is salvation.
[Officer] What the
hell is that smell?
- Forever starts right now.
- Birkhorn, don't move!
Hands in the air, motherfucker.
Oh, those fucking eyes.
[Officer] Hey,
I know this guy.
He owns the video
store on my block.
[Nash] This is
Brayberry, we founds some
of that goopy shit
from the videotape.
We've also got a 419,
could be self-inflicted.
- Police, first squad!
- Police!
[foreboding music]
[Oursler] Are you gonna
keep crying, Slater,
or are you gonna find
me some drugs in there?
Police, search warrant!
[Spivy] Slater,
we've got bodies!
Maybe get another
tac unit on standby.
[tense music]
This is a crime scene,
do not touch anything.
Don't fuck with
my scene, Slater!
Slater, let's keep moving.
Got a lot of building to clear.
We'll take the upper level.
[Gary] Hey, I
don't think that girl
from the videotape is in here.
It's an information
superhighway that spans the globe,
and it is called internet,
or just the net
to frequent users.
Today millions of Americans
have personal computers
and can access the net
for a modest monthly fee.
I think I'll stick to
my telephone for now.
And in local news, a number
of Westerville residents
have come forward with
stories of a mysterious figure
they're calling the Rat Man.
Sounds like a
superhero, Camille.
[chuckles] That is no
superhero I'd want to meet, Mark.
Eyewitnesses have said that
this man or man-animal hybrid
lives in the sewers
and comes out at night,
but if you shine a
light directly at it,
it suddenly disappears.
Channel Six's Holly
Marciano has more.
Is he an urban legend?
Or is there really a
creature of unknown origin
lurking within the sewers?
I was just out here
taking a walk at night
and I heard it making
noises down there.
And it looked up at me like a...
A fucking clown.
[Holly] This amateur sketch
resembles what many of you say
the Rat Man looks like.
Almost everyone has come
up with their own theories
and explanations for the image.
Yeah, my theory is the
dude's from the fucking prison
in Athens for like
the criminally insane.
That's where my cousin went.
Yeah, her crazy-ass
cousin was in there,
so he's like an
escaped mental case.
Oh, and he lives in the sewer
so that nobody can find him.
[bell tolls]
Well, I believe it's
a sign from Jesus.
It's time for
sinners and elitists
to get what's coming to them.
[Holly] Mm-hm.
So tell me, where did
you first see him?
Right there.
Behind me, that's
where I saw him.
Right there.
Okay, we're done.
Thank you for your service.
Fucking last time I need
to be in this forest.
[Jeff] We could have picked
an easier path, you know.
There are no paths.
[Jeff] Yeah.
So do you want more
B-roll of the forest?
No, we have all
kinds of footage
of the forest and the
mouth of the drain.
Jesus, Barry, what, what
does he want us to do,
walk through raw sewage?
No, I'm not being
dramatic, I just...
Yep, no problem.
[phone beeps]
[Jeff] Looking
a little stressed.
You wanna get a
drink afterwards?
- Jeff?
- Yeah?
- Fuck you.
- Copy that.
[Jeff mutters angrily]
This is the remarkable
story of the Rat Man,
- Westerville's very own...
- He said he might want it
from inside the
drain, though, right?
I mean, it's a health
hazard, look at it.
[Jeff] Where is it?
That guy's creepy.
Yeah, let's get
out of his eye line.
This is the remarkable
story of the Rat Man,
Westerville's very
own Loch Ness monster.
It's a mystery that
can only be told
inside the cavernous
tunnels beneath our feet.
I'm Holly Marciano,
Channel Six News.
[eerie scraping]
- Let's go again.
- Yeah, going again.
Hang on, just gotta get focus.
And, all right.
This is the remarkable
story of the Rat Man,
Westerville's very
own Loch Ness monster.
- It's a myst...
- Uh, the hell is that?
Are you even,
what are you doing?
[Jeff] No, no, no,
there's someone there.
- Seriously.
- Oh my god.
I don't have the time
for these shenanigans,
can you with me
about something else?
[Jeff] Gimme a sec,
Holly, just hold on.
[clears throat] Excuse me.
Oh man, are you fucking kidding?
[Jeff groans]
[Holly] What is it?
[Jeff] I don't know.
Yeah, it's just a bunch of junk.
You think kids live down here?
[Jeff] I don't know if
you'd call this living,
but yeah, I mean, it's possible.
Jesus Christ.
You know, we are the
richest country in the world
and we treat people like this.
It's shameful.
We should record more of this.
Right, evidence
of what it's like
to actually live down here.
[Jeff] Wow, you are
really selling this, Holly.
Don't be a dick.
I'm serious, this
is a good story.
[Jeff] Don't you
have an AA meeting?
Fuck, I don't
want to sit around
and talk about my fucking
drinking problem, okay?
Don't you want to do something
that will make a
difference, Jeff?
That will like, I don't
know, help people?
[Jeff] Help you get
your Pulitzer, right?
This is what we're
talking about.
- Holly!
- Come!
I need your light.
[Jeff] Ah, fuck.
[Holly] Come on.
[foreboding music]
What are you doing?
[Holly shushes]
[Jeff] What?
What's going on?
I think someone's here.
Come on.
[eerie hissing]
[Jeff] Holy shit.
Check, look behind you, check.
This must be where he lives.
[Jeff] Okay, so let's,
I don't think we should be
messing with this right now.
We don't have to
mess with anything,
just get some footage.
[Jeff screams]
[Jeff moans]
Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...
[Jeff] Let's get
the fuck out of here.
- Just calm down, calm down.
- No, no, no, no.
Take a deep breath.
I'm not, fuck.
[Holly shushes]
fuck, is that him?
[Holly] It's okay, just
take a deep breath, all right?
We didn't come this
far to get nothing.
Just take a deep breath,
let me get your camera.
It's okay.
[Jeff] Okay.
- Give me a sec.
- Okay, good?
[Jeff] Yeah,
just give me a sec.
[Jeff] I'm ready,
do you see him?
[shushes] Just relax.
We didn't mean to scare you.
We're, we're friends, we just...
We wanna ask you just
a couple of questions.
Is that okay?
Okay, I'm gonna come
a little bit closer.
Okay, okay.
Can I ask you what your name is?
It's really nice
to meet you, Bill.
I'm Holly, and that's Jeff.
Do you have a last name, Bill?
Are there other people that
live down here with you?
[Holly] I'm sorry,
can you repeat that?
Did you say Rat Man?
Are, are you the Rat Man, Bill?
Okay, uh...
[foreboding music]
Thank you.
I'm going to leave
you my business card,
- right here.
- Holly!
I'd love to follow up...
[loud growling]
[Holly screams]
[creature shrieks]
Holly, Holly...
Fuck this, I'm out,
I'm out of here.
[Jeff screams]
[static hisses]
[distorted voices]
[foreboding music]
[Holly moans]
What the...
Oh my god!
What, I don't know
what you want with...
There are...
There are people
that can help you,
that can get you
on your feet, okay?
I'm actually doing
a story on you.
To show people that...
That you're just, you're just...
You're normal, just
you need some help,
and I can help you.
Okay, I can...
If you just let me,
I can help you, okay?
Just let me help you.
- How?
- And I can help...
How would you help?
I wanted to tell
their stories.
I would tell their
stories to the public.
- Oh.
- I would help you.
That's a very generous offer,
but we're gonna
tell our own story.
- Jeff?
- Holly?
- Jeff, Jeff?
- Holly!
Stop, stop!
[Jeff whimpers]
[Raatma screeches]
No, turn that light
off, you're scaring him.
Come on.
Come on.
That's it, come on.
[Raatma shrieks]
[Jeff whimpers]
In the name of Raatma.
[Jeff screams]
[skin sizzles]
No, no!
Please, no, no!
Help me, please, no!
- Please, no!
- I thought you were
gonna do one of your
little news stories on us.
No, please.
Now you might
not realize it yet,
but you are witnessing the
beginning of a new era.
Only the righteous shall rise.
Your friend wasn't worthy,
but you, who knows?
For all of your sins,
you could be saved.
No, please, please!
[Raatma shrieks]
- No, please!
- Give me that.
It's time to see if you're
welcome in the new world.
[Raatma growls]
[Holly whimpers]
It's not for me to
answer evil for evil.
We leave that to the
wrath of our new god.
[Holly sobs]
[Raatma shrieks]
Please, no, god!
[Raatma screeches]
[Holly screams]
Why, God?
[static buzzes]
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Tech Pharmaceuticals.
[dramatic music]
Now I am very glad to
have our wonderful coworker
Holly Marciano with us
following her incredible rescue
after she got trapped
in a storm drain.
- [police siren wails]
- Okay, come on.
Come on, give me your hand.
[Holly grunts]
Gripping stuff.
And as I'm sure our
viewers are by now aware,
we are very sad to report
that cameraman Jeff Wohl
has yet to be found.
But Holly, we are so
happy to have you back.
Thank you, Mark,
it's good to be back.
It's the first day of fall,
and there's no better way
to kick off the season
than with Westerville's 94th
annual pumpkin festival.
People are already lining
up to Raatma the hay rides,
apple Raatma, and of course,
to see who will be crowned
the festival's largest Raatma.
Okay, why don't we
cut to commercial...
[Holly spits]
Jesus fucking Christ!
[crew members scream]
[skin sizzles]
[Mark screams]
[door opens]
And in sports news,
Ohio state plays the Indiana
Hoosiers tomorrow night.
Good luck to our Buckeyes.
I'm Holly Marciano,
Channel Six News.
Hail Raatma.
[emergency tone blares]
[Petro] These super
labs can be booby-trapped,
proceed with caution.
[Nash] Could be no
one left alive in here.
[Slater] You feeling
in over your head, Nash?
[Nash] Mind your own
fucking head, Slater.
[eerie organ music]
[Spivy] I've got people,
there's people in here.
[Slater] Blue Team,
we've got more DBs.
Room full of bodies.
[Spivy] Fuck me, I'm
calling for backup.
No, not yet, let's
find the others.
Hey Slater, what's your 10-20?
[Slater] Fuck if I know.
Oursler and I got
fucking separated.
Could be these bitches are
barricaded or got tipped off.
Stay where you are.
You know, if this thing
ever makes the news,
and they ask for an interview,
I can do it, I
got a face for TV.
[static crackles]
[somber choral music]
[Hailey] So with
these memorial videos,
isn't it usually just
like home movies?
We record our services
from time to time.
You haven't yet met the family
of the deceased, have you?
They are, well,
the main point is
we never question the
request of the client.
Grief is a personal matter.
If the bereaved family
wants to include footage
of the wake in their memorial
video, we are happy to oblige.
I assume they're
paying extra for this.
That also, yes.
Hand me the battery.
I've got it to program
for the cameras as well,
so make sure you
keep this in CD mode,
otherwise you'll eject a tape
in the middle of
someone's eulogy.
- Ready to go?
- Yeah, I parked out front.
The wake's going to begin
at nine, so I would suggest
- you open the doors...
- Yeah, I already know.
- Why's the casket crooked?
- Hm?
I didn't place it like that.
You know I didn't go near it.
Maybe I bumped it.
Oh, Jesus, that's heavy.
Well he was a big boy.
Parts of him that
were left, anyway.
Ronald, he's joking, right?
The deceased was
in a severe accident.
It is a closed casket wake.
- Yeah, I knew that, but...
- Don't worry.
I was more or less
able to get him back
into his original shape.
Pity about his face and head.
But the family wanted
him to put back together,
and aside from that top part,
I'd say it's pretty good work.
But don't take my word for it,
why don't you have
a look for yourself?
You're gonna do great, Hailey.
I'll be in early tomorrow
morning to relieve you,
so if anything serious
comes up, give me a call.
And if it doesn't,
don't wake me up.
[somber organ music]
[Hailey] Yes, I was just
about to switch out the tapes,
but I feel dumb recording
myself just sitting here.
I'm standing.
[Ronald] Call me if
anything serious came up.
Nothing happening,
it's not serious.
It's a wake, he's
not going anywhere.
Maybe they got
caught in the storm,
or maybe nobody liked the guy.
Okay, okay, sorry.
[somber organ music]
[thunder rumbles]
Hey Sharon, it's me.
I know it's late,
but if you're up,
give me a call it
the funeral home.
No one's here and I'm
working all night,
and I had a quick
question for you.
[eerie organ music]
[casket creaks]
[phone rings]
I mean, Jensen Funeral Home.
Hey, Sharon, yeah.
Your mom still saves
the newspaper, right?
No, I...
No, that's fine.
Listen, would you mind
checking the obituary page
in the last few issues for
a guy named Andrew Edwards?
This is weird, but I'm supposed
to be hosting his
wake tonight, and I...
Something like that.
Basically, just
in the past week.
Thanks, I appreciate it.
[somber music]
[thunder cracks]
[thunder cracks]
Shit, shit.
[rain patters]
[door closes]
It's crooked?
[Holly yelps]
I am fucking telling
you he's alive in there.
He fucking moved, I heard it.
[Ronald] I promise you,
he is very dead, Hailey.
If you can't handle one
under-attended wake...
Hang on, here's Tim.
[Tim] Hailey, kid, I assure
you that body in that casket
is not capable of moving.
All those stories
about people waking up
are just urban legends.
It's just gas is escaping
or one of the other
hundred chemical processes
that can happen with embalmed
remains in the first 96.
We talked about this.
[Hailey] Gas is escaping.
[Tim] It's just
you there, right?
So go crack the lid
and take a peek.
Seriously, I mean it, Ronnie
and I will stay on the line
and you'll see it's
just a person's remains.
Might look a little gross,
but that's all it is,
and you'll feel better.
No, you're right.
It's just the remains
settling, I know that.
Sorry, Tim.
[Tim] It's okay, kid.
But don't call here again
tonight or Ron will fire you.
[thunder rumbles]
[door opens]
[man chats]
[Man] This is
Andrew's wake, no?
Yes, yes.
My gosh, I am so
sorry, wait one second.
We had a power outage, so...
[thunder rumbles]
We met with a man
before, an old fellow.
He's not here tonight?
Oh, you must mean
Ronald, he's the manager.
He'll be in tomorrow for
the funeral services itself,
but I was given the
responsibility of the wake.
Doesn't matter.
Of course, I understand
very few could make it up
in this storm.
There's a tornado watch,
something like this.
I listen to the weather.
May I?
My gosh, yes.
Are you family, or...
[man groans]
[speaking foreign language]
[Man] Thank you very much.
Oh, do you need anything else?
[Man] No, I paid
my respects in full.
[door closes]
[somber organ music]
[phone rings]
Janssen Funeral Home.
[Sharon] Hey, sorry,
I totally passed out.
Don't sweat it, it's cool.
No one showed up to
this wake tonight.
It's been kind of creepy,
so I wanted to know the
deal with the dead guy,
but someone finally visited,
so now it's not as strange.
[Sharon] Really,
someone showed up?
What were they like?
I went and flipped
through the Tribune
for Andrew Edwards
like you said,
but I didn't need to
look in the obituaries.
He was on the front page.
- [thunder cracks]
- What?
[Sharon] Andrew Edwards
is the name of the guy
who jumped off the roof of
that church down in Haysburg.
You heard about that, right?
He was on the roof for an
hour shouting crazy gibberish,
and then he hit
the concrete steps
right as families were
beginning to show up for...
[Hailey] Hello, Sharon?
[Hailey gasps]
[Hailey yelps]
[casket thuds]
[thunder cracks]
[tornado siren wails]
Mr. Edwards?
Mr. Edwards, you've been
in an accident, okay?
And there was...
There's some kind of a
mistake at the morgue...
[Andrew snarls]
[Hailey screams]
He can't see me.
[Andrew gurgles]
[Hailey screams]
[Andrew growls]
[thunder cracks]
[camera beeps]
[Andrew growls]
[tornado sirens wail]
[Andrew shrieks]
[Hailey screams]
[wind whistles]
[Nash] Petro, we're on
the move, where are you?
[static crackles]
[Spivy] We're
fucking lost in here.
Oh god, there's
that smell again.
It's worse than dead bodies.
This is not the
same staircase.
[foreboding music]
Watch your step, there's
something on the floor.
[static buzzes]
What the fuck is that?
Petro, where the fuck are you?
We've got another 419,
definitely not self-inflicted.
We don't need more tech,
we need a gravedigger!
[Nash] We're gonna need more
than just one gravedigger.
This is gonna get nastier.
[Spivy] Petro!
Fucking radio isn't working.
[Spivy] Petro, Oursler!
[Slater] All officers
check in right fucking now!
With radio interference,
this channel is not stable.
We have to find
an exit right now.
[jingle chimes]
[Woman] All are welcome.
All are watching.
Finally, followers,
tonight is the night
you've been waiting for.
Track my signal.
The signal is the stimulant.
The signal is the sedative.
The signal is salvation.
Forever starts right now.
[electricity buzzes]
[shouts in pain]
[doctor chuckles]
[speaking foreign language]
[static hisses]
[machine beeps]
[speaking foreign language]
[saw whirs]
[speaking foreign language]
[man grunts]
[man screams]
[muffled breathing]
[static hisses]
[heart thumps]
[machine beeps]
[machinery warbles]
[speaking foreign language]
[static buzzes]
[sings in foreign language]
[breathing heavily]
[speaking foreign language]
[machinery warbles]
[saw whirs]
[static crackles]
[machinery whirs]
[speaking foreign language]
[torch crackles]
[speaking foreign language]
[men shout]
[machinery warbles]
[static buzzes]
[speaking foreign language]
[drill whirs]
[S.A. whimpers]
[static crackles]
[speaking foreign language]
[speaking foreign language]
[guns cock]
[guns fire]
[speaking foreign language]
[Jono yelps]
[speaking foreign language]
[Jono gags]
[Jono yelps]
[speaking foreign language]
[machinery warbles]
[S.A. wails]
[speaking foreign language]
[S.A. wails]
[alarm buzzes]
[gun fires]
[machines beep]
[explosion booms]
[speaking foreign language]
[soldiers whimper]
[speaking foreign language]
[doctor laughs maniacally]
[Jono whimpers]
[creature growls]
[man screams]
[tense music]
[Jono yelps]
[guns fire]
[speaking foreign language]
[Jono cries]
[creature growls]
[gun fires]
[speaking foreign language]
[soldier shouts]
[grenade explodes]
[static buzzes]
[S.A. gasps]
[foreboding music]
[creature roars]
[man yelps]
[creature growls]
[men shout]
[guns fire]
[S.A. shouts]
[man shouts in pain]
[thudding footsteps]
[S.A. moans in fear]
[speakers crackle]
[Girl] Hello.
[speaking foreign language]
[S.A. whimpers]
[heart thumps]
[machine beeps]
[foreboding music]
[speaking foreign language]
[gun cocks]
[speaking foreign language]
[gun fires]
[tense music]
[gun whirs]
[speaking foreign language]
[gun fires]
[man screams]
[suspenseful music]
[man shouts]
[gun fires]
[S.A. screams]
[man shouts]
[gun fires]
[man shouts]
[speaking foreign language]
[static crackles]
[gun whirs]
[grenade explodes]
[S.A. breathes heavily]
[footsteps approach]
[S.A. gasps]
[gun clicks]
[speaking foreign language]
[man shouts]
[Jono whimpers]
[speaking foreign language]
[Jono coughs]
[gun whirs]
[Commander shouts
in foreign language]
[gun fires]
[Jono yelps]
[gun clicks]
[screams in rage]
[laughs maniacally]
[gun fires]
[speaking foreign language]
[footsteps thud]
[machinery whirs]
[S.A. gasps]
[Jono whimpers]
[creature growls]
[Jono screams]
[creature shrieks]
[static crackles]
[birds chirp]
[Gary] I, I thought you
promised no one would get hurt.
Oh, Gary.
Someone always gets hurt.
[Slater] What the fuck
is going on in there?
If you cannot clear
the fucking place,
then get the fuck
out of there now!
Forever starts right now.
[static buzzes]
Is Spivy here with you, Nash?
He got separated.
Haven't laid eyes on him.
I want to get the
fuck out of here.
[foreboding music]
Spivy, Oursler!
Fucking hate this place.
Spivy, come in.
Fucking anybody, come in!
[Petro] Try not to
lose your head, Slater.
[rhythmic tone blares]
[static buzzes]
[alarms ring]
[men chat]
[Victim] Oh god!
No, no.
[man whimpers]
God, no, please.
[Bob] I'm rolling.
Okay, ready?
You can go.
Happy shall he be
that taketh and dashest
thy little ones
against the stone.
[gun fires]
[Bob] Yep, cool.
America is plagued
by a black cancer
that has been allowed to
rot this once great land
from within for far too long.
We, the last decent
men of America,
are the true patriots who
have given blood oaths
to defend our way of life.
We will take back America.
Its rapists will be
put down in the gutter.
We will put boots to them
and squash this mongrel horde
like the rats they are.
We, the First Patriots Movement
Militia, are coming for you.
Our time of mass
cleansing is at hand.
And with this weapon
that Christ himself
in his infinite wisdom
has seen fit to bestow upon us,
we have become likened unto
a righteous fist of justice
that will smite the wickedness
from the face of this earth!
- Yeah!
- The United States
- of Fuckdom will fall!
- Yeah!
By god!
[men cheer]
[guns fire]
Bob, what do I, I
got it on standby.
Now do I just press the button?
[Bob] Press the red button.
Just press it, okay.
I don't wanna press, I
don't wanna fuck it up.
[Bob] Let's go, let's go,
let's go, roll, roll, roll!
Business, business time.
Jesus fuck!
Thanks for the puddle, Steve.
Do you copy, we got a
dash on this building.
Looks like a security
entrance to the east side.
Employee parking lot,
and it's not open today,
but guarantee on the
day it's gonna be open.
[Greg] Copy that.
I'm looking at...
Got one security camera.
Two security
camera, three, four.
We got definitely two X-ray
analyzers in the lobby,
and maybe a retinal scan.
I'll try to get some codes,
but if I don't, shit, guys.
That was final.
- Good job, good job.
- Good job.
We can maybe walk the beast in,
but I don't think they're open
until well after sun's out.
[Bob] Does the front of the
building even get sunlight?
If we miss our
weather window now,
we're not gonna get sunlight
for a few months, Bob.
[Bob] No, no, no,
no, we have to go now.
[Jimmy] Maybe a bit drastic.
We have to go in
there and hit them up
when the building's
full up, okay?
[Man] Hell yeah.
They got a daycare.
They got a daycare.
Okay, um, pull out.
Oh shit, front door it is.
You know, at least the street
runs past there, right?
[Bob] Oh, hang on a moment
here, Commandant, the...
[Greg] Via loading dock.
Oh, it's the
maintenance entrance,
my cousin can get
us the passcode.
Oh, nice, and the sun is
there most of the day, too.
Well, gentlemen, this
is where we roll in
and we detonate the abomination.
[alarm rings]
[gun cocks]
[man whimpers]
[gun fires]
Good shot.
[Man] Tower one
to eagle's nest.
[Greg] Go for eagle's nest.
Package has landed.
[Greg] Copy that, tower one.
Hope you weren't waiting long.
Work as much, but
there's plenty of it.
Gotta say, you boys
don't fool around.
I'm very impressed
with the security here.
Dam right, we're tight as
a fucking drum, all right?
Shut the fuck up, Jimmy,
you're out of order.
My bad, sorry, Commandant.
Well trained soldiers
you got there, Greg.
It's Air Commandant
when we're in uniform.
Copy that, Air Commandant.
Now your unit may be a
well-regulated militia.
[men laugh]
But you ain't nowhere
near well armed enough
for the very necessary fight
you've got coming your way.
My god, this is making
my fucking dick hard.
[Bob] This is making
all our dicks hard.
[Jimmy] Yeah, Bob, I
can see it from here.
This will be more than enough
to hold off whatever authorities
come at you after the op.
Now if those Waco numbnuts
would have had half
this hardware on hand,
ATF would still be out
there getting chewed up.
Bet you these were
just drinking up
- that fucking Iraqi blood, huh?
- Oh fuck yeah!
Fucking Desert Storm!
Oy, desert buttfuck, Talon!
No one at the police station
saw you taking
any of this stuff?
How's that?
We got friends everywhere.
You know it.
Especially with a grease
stain like Clinton
in the White House.
[man laughs]
Lots of cops are
ready for you patriots
to take the feds down, hard.
[Bob] Could you say
something, Air Commandant,
about how momentous this
moment is for the cause?
With the weapons and all.
This is but a earthly arsenal.
Well met, fellow warrior.
This man here...
This man heard Wu Tan's
clarion call to action
and he did his part.
He hath armed us for
conflict sure to come
after the heroic act that
we have all given blood oath
to undertake.
We will topple the Patrick
V. McNamara Federal Building
in the infested cesspit
of Detroit, Michigan.
- Fuck yeah.
- Fucking right.
[Man] And you're
certain the weapon works?
The creature?
Of course.
[Man] So you tested it?
[alarm rings]
Someone turn off
that fucking bell!
- There.
- Please, no.
[gun fires]
[Jimmy] Bucket.
[Man] Come on, take that bit.
[Greg] Don't get any on you,
you don't know what that
shit's gonna do to your scent.
Yeah, drain him.
[Jimmy] Come on, bitch.
Yeah, here we go.
That's probably good enough.
- [coyotes howl]
- Pretty cool eyes.
This one looks pretty cool.
[Bob] Kinda evil looking.
Oh shit, those coyotes?
[Bob] Yeah.
Okay, let's do this.
Good girl.
Good girl.
Okay, Phoebe, this
is the good stuff.
This is to redeem the soul
of the goddamn US of A.
- Oh yeah.
- You understand me?
Okay, get this for posterity,
can you focus this?
- Yeah, yeah.
- Okay, let's get that.
- Got it?
- Let's do this, yeah.
Creature blood going
in, three, two, one.
[Bob] Say something,
Air Commandant,
on what we're doing here.
Well, uh, I got
to thinking, Bob,
that it would probably
be a good idea
to test the ultimate weapon
before we're fully committed
and running the mission.
[Bob] Smart, really smart.
[Man] What's taking him so...
Oh shit.
Shit, here we go, here
we go, here we go.
Run, boy, the sun is coming up!
Everyone down, down!
What in the actual fuck?
- Jimmy!
- What?
It's probably blocked
by the tree or something!
Get in there, don't
be such a fucking...
[explosion booms]
[Man] Fucking Christ.
[coughs violently]
[Jimmy] First martyrs
of the cause, baby!
- It happened, it worked!
- It's gone!
- What'd you say?
- It's gone!
- What?
- Phoebe!
- It's gone!
- It works!
[men cheer]
[Man] Fuck you!
[Jimmy] This fucking smoke!
[alarm rings]
[gun fires]
All right, I give
the go-ahead, and...
And fucking boom!
Fuck, Chuck, one second.
- Fuck.
- Sorry, sorry.
They have to all go
down at the same time,
- otherwise these fucking...
- Sensor's just not
fucking going, Greg, I
don't know what's going on.
[Greg] Well then you go and
you get the part tomorrow.
Guess what, we're going
the day after now.
[Jimmy] Fuck!
Nothing can be left to chance,
we are stepping onto
the world stage here.
God in his infinite wisdom has
given us a boon for the ages.
A metaphysical super
weapon, living destruction.
I will not let
Christ the King down.
We must do his good
work with honor!
Yes, sir.
Well it looks like
it's one more day
until the fall of the
unholy American Empire.
But tonight,
tonight we will send off proper.
We will cleanse ourselves
before the retribution.
We will get cork
high and bottle deep!
We're gonna get fucking wasted.
[men cheer]
All right, yeah!
- Fucking...
- Commandant's private stash!
Oh, get it!
[men whooping]
[heavy rock music]
[men chatter]
[Bob] You gonna go piss?
- A piss?
- You taking a piss?
Are you gonna come
watch me take a piss?
[Bob] Yeah, you
want me to film it,
- you fucking perv?
- Yeah, fucking go ahead.
Hey, we're going to
the pissing hole!
- No, never rest, only pee!
- Yeah.
- Never rest, only pee!
- Only pee.
- [laughs]
- Holy, ah, I tell you.
[groans] Let me tell
you, these were fucking,
these are $12.
Oh, Jessie, what the fuck?
- I'll get, I'll get you.
- Oh shit!
I know how to use this.
[men shout drunkenly]
Oy, oy, oy, you're good.
[men laugh drunkenly]
- [Jimmy whoops happily]
- Bob, we need you, Bob!
- You need a drink, Bob.
- Bob's out!
- You need a drink.
- Bob!
- [men laugh]
- Give it to him.
[Jimmy] Your
camera is your mask.
- Camera is my mask?
- Why don't you have a drink?
[Bob] You're wearing
a literal mask.
- You have to have...
- I will have a drink.
- A drink.
- I've been working hard.
- Oh, you first. [laughs]
- You know what?
You're sick.
[Bob] Ow, ow.
There he is.
Fucking fuck.
[Bob laughs]
Fucking pussy.
[Bob giggles]
Where's the fucking monster?
Let's fuck with him, man.
- What?
- Let's fuck with him.
You don't...
You don't wanna piss on him?
The fuck, Bob, what the
fuck is wrong with you, man?
[Bob] The fuck
is wrong with you?
Bob, just go back to the
fucking party, man, okay?
Let me do my thing, you go,
get the fuck out of here.
The fuck?
Pussy, I fucking knew you'd
pussy out, you little bitch.
Fucking Steve.
Welcome to romance hour.
[hums drunkenly]
[both laugh]
Oh, oh, wow.
[Bob] Give him a kiss.
- What?
- Kiss him!
You fucking dare me?
Fucking do it!
Fucking French him!
[Bob laughs raucously]
Oh my god.
Give me that fucking thing.
[Bob] No, no, no, no, no.
- [Bob laughs]
- Bob!
[Steve coughs]
Oh god!
You sick fuck!
[alarm rings]
[doors bang open]
Is that you?
- What the fuck?
- Go, go, go!
- Wait, who the fuck...
- Who's that with Bart?
- I don't know.
- Who's on fucking duty?
- Who's on duty?
- It's supposed to be me.
- I'm sorry!
- What the fuck?
I'm sorry,
Commandant, I'll fix it!
- Oh, fuck.
- Go!
- What are you doing?
- I'll fix it!
Who the fuck is that,
who the fuck is that?
The fuck is that thing?
Is that Terry?
- Is that Terry?
- Terry?
- Who is that?
- Terry's fucking dead!
[Bob] Oh my god.
Fuck, fuck, fuck,
fuck, fuck, fuck.
Terry's fucking dead.
Do not fire until
I give the order!
[Steve shouts]
[creature growls]
Who, who are we missing?
- Um...
- Who?
- Fucking Reed.
- Steve.
Steve was on desk last night.
Has anyone seen him?
Steve, is that you, boy?
[creature growls]
- [gun fires]
- What the fuck!
[men shout]
Stop, wait!
Wait, stop, stop, fucking wait!
[men shout]
Fucking wait,
take your hands off the trigger!
[gun fires]
[Jimmy wails loudly]
Judas fucking Priest!
- Greg?
- Steve!
Steve, no, stop, stop,
you fucking idiot!
You're covered in vampire blood!
Stop moving, no, no, no, no!
[explosion booms]
[Bob grunts]
Steve, Steve, Steve, Steve!
[Greg coughs]
Come on, Greg.
Mother fuck.
Fuck, fuck this
evil abomination.
We are gonna go in there
and we're gonna take
this creature down.
We don't get in
there before sundown,
we're not gonna be able
to do nothing noways.
This fucking thing's
unstoppable at night, come on.
[Greg] Well then lock
and fucking load then.
Move in!
[loud scraping]
[Tom] Dude, what the fuck
was that, what the fuck?
[footsteps pound]
[creature rasps]
[Tom shouts]
[Jimmy] Over here, come here.
[creature growls]
[Bob] Fuck!
- Oh shit, fuck.
- What?
Fucking thing, holy shit.
Let's go, let's go, let's go.
[footsteps thud]
[gun fires]
[creature roars]
Whoa, whoa!
Oh fuck!
[Tom screams]
Oh god!
Oh my god, Tom!
[gun fires]
What the fuck!
[men scream in terror]
Jesus Christ!
I think we got him.
Get up there!
[creature growls]
[footsteps thud]
[Bob screams]
[gun fires]
[creature growls]
[Jimmy wails]
[gun fires]
- [Greg shouts in pain]
- Shit!
- Greg!
- My leg, my leg!
[gun fires]
No, no, no!
[Greg wails]
[creature growls]
[Greg] My leg!
[shouts in pain]
Okay, okay, okay.
[creature cackles]
[Bob screams]
[creature shrieks]
[Bob screams in pain]
[footsteps thud]
[Greg whimpers]
[creature gurgles]
Christ is king,
Christ is king, Christ.
Christ is king, Christ
is king, Christ is king,
Christ, Christ is king.
Christ is king, Christ is
king, Christ, Christ is king.
Christ is king, Christ
is king, Christ is king,
Christ, Christ, Christ
is king, Christ is king.
[crying] Christ is
king, Christ is king.
Christ is king! [screams]
Jesus fucking Christ!
Get me out of here, god damn it!
[Petro] God can't
help you now, Slater.
Didn't you see that
last videotape?
I saw you in that last tape.
Slater's got some
explaining to do.
We've got some
explaining to do.
Fucking untie me!
We're lost in here
with fucking junkies.
You still think
this is a drug ring?
It's our videotapes
that are the villain.
Our videotapes are
gonna fuck you up.
It's more like a trance.
Are you telling me that Spivy
is in a fucking trance!
No, Spivy's dead.
[eerie music]
What the fuck is all of this?
This is a far out
fetish film cult
of bootleggers pushing that
untouched, untouchable,
nastiest of the nasties.
Snuffing and fluffing,
cannibals, animals.
Girls in white suits
fucking shit up!
We deal in contraband
content, strictly VHS.
Definitely illegal.
Oh my god, I didn't
think we'd get busted
by our own useless unit.
[Petro] Are you
ready for your closeup?
What the fuck
did you just say?
[Nash] We are the final girls.
You're our final kill.
[heavy rock music]
[Slater shouts angrily]
[Petro shouts]
[Petro grunts]
Some help here, Nash?
My camera's fucking stuck!
[static buzzes]
[Nash] This tape's
gonna be our best one yet.
Fans are gonna go crazy.
What should we call it?
Dead cops, dead
cops, dead cops
Dead cops down on the street
Giving poor the heat
With their clubs and guns
We do it all for fun
Dead Cops, dead
cops, dead cops
Dead cops, big bad and blue
They're in the Klan too
Brutality's their sport
We'll put 'em to the torch
Dead Cops, dead
cops, dead cops
Dead cops
["Dead Cops" by M.D.C.]
Rebel, rebel on the street
Makeup on my face,
stockings on my feet
All the straights
asking me why
I'm not a normal
American guy
What makes them so
straight and me so bent
What makes them so
straight and me so bent
What makes them so
straight and me so bent
What makes them so
straight and me so bent
Call this the
land of the free
Say it's the
home of the brave
You know they
call me a queen
Just another human being
What makes America so
straight and me so bent
What makes America so
straight and me so bent
What makes America so
straight and me so bent
What makes America
straight and me so bent
Your authority
and your power
Has turned us sick and sour
And your justice is a lie
And we're gonna
fight until you die
What makes them so
straight and me so bent
What makes them so
straight and me so bent
What makes America so
straight and me so bent
What makes America so
straight and me so bent
Dead cops, dead cops,
dead cops, dead cops
Dead cops, dead cops
[ominous metal music]