Vicious Fun (2020) Movie Script

Need a ride?
That obvious?
How far are you going?
As far as I can.
Hop in.
You wanted a surgeon,
you fucker.
Okay. So why don't we, uh...
We're gonna stay on the wide,
and then lose that close-up
before she jumps out
of the doorway to stab him?
Oh, god damn it.
You say something?
Oh, it just sounds like
you're going for surprise
instead of suspense,
again, Jack.
Can you hang on
for just a second, please?
What is the name
of your magazine again?
Vicious fans?
Vicious fanatics.
- It's right here...
- I'm on a brutal deadline.
So you got five more minutes.
- Go.
- Yeah, sorry.
"Vicious tales."
Jack, serious critics,
myself included,
have noticed
that you've repeatedly used
slow moving killers
over your last dozen films.
You did it in
"your carnation for corpses,"
"status of fear,"
"black Friday."
- You did it in...
- Slower is scary.
I mean,
Sally's running blocks ahead
of the happy smile killer
in "black Friday."
He always manages to catch her,
but it's not really realistic.
- It's not possible.
- No, no, no. It's dream logic.
It's like you're in a nightmare,
And you can't outrun it,
no matter how fast you go.
Right, right, right, right,
right, right, right.
Lazy writing.
Why in your last three films,
when everyone hears a noise,
do they always go outside?
- Why would you do that?
- Okay, alright, alright.
"60 minutes,"
take it easy, okay?
I make fun movies.
If you don't like them,
why don't you tell me
what you would do?
You really want to know
what I would do?
Cab drivers.
Ca... cab drivers.
Huh? Think about it.
They drive you home,
so they know where you live,
but they have zero connection
to you.
Who looks twice
at their cab driver,
let alone remembers their face?
they're the perfect killers.
It's modern horror
for modern times.
Why is no one doing this?
Why aren't you doing this?
Well, that is a real
million dollar idea there, Jim.
You should be proud of yourself.
Thank you.
It's Joel, but thank...
Maggie! You're good, right?
Actually, no.
I was going to ask...
Maggie, can you show
the correspondents
for vicious fun out, please?
- Vicious fanatics.
- Vicious fun.
- Fanatics...
- Jack: Sounds better.
Vicious fun sounds better.
- Okay.
- See you, jed.
Hey, it's me.
Just letting you know
I'll be home late.
I have a date.
I just met the guy.
Crazy, right? Anyway, didn't
want you to worry again.
Thanks, roomie. Bye!
Fade in.
The city, night.
Rain falls like drops of poison.
Windshield wipers slash
like deadly knives.
On the corner,
like a crouching tiger,
a taxi awaits.
That's a sweet ride.
Damn it.
God damn it.
What are you...
Oh, damn it, Sarah.
"Eight ways to look better."
- Oh, Joel, hi.
- Sarah.
Oh, you having somebody over?
Um, well, yeah,
I was just thinking about it...
Thinking about it!
A couple of girls
asked me to hang out.
Had some options.
Carl... a.
Oh, and hey, do you mind
if I have the TV tonight?
Cindy's coming over
to watch "falcon crest."
Sarah, "falcon crest"?
God, Joel, do you like anything?
Like at all?
Lot of things,
but "falcon crest"?
I was thinking we could
rent a beta machine,
- a couple of movies, taco night?
- Yeah.
Actually, I was kind of hoping
for more of a girls' night.
I'll have a girls night
with Carl... a.
- Great.
- You've never met her.
- Hey, Joel.
- Hey.
Wait, wait, no, no, wait!
Taxi, taxi, wait, wait, wait.
Follow that car.
Operation the Phoenix...
The nest...
Working title.
Come on, Joel.
Come on, Joel. Come on, Joel.
Busy night, huh?
What's that, chief?
I said, sorry, it's loud.
Busy night in here.
Yeah, wouldn't know.
I'm not from around here.
- Me neither, actually.
- What can I get you?
Oh, just whatever he's having.
- Have I met you before?
- No, no,
never seen you before
in my entire life, ever.
Thought I might have, uh,
showed you a house sometime.
Name's Bob. Bob nice.
Bob, it's nice to meet you.
I'm... Dave.
So, what brings you
out to these neck
of these woods there, David?
Just taking a break...
- From all the ladies I get.
- Yeah, yeah, yeah.
Well, we've all had our troubles
with them at time or another,
trying to find them,
- trying to get rid of them.
- Yeah.
Why don't you say
this round's on me.
Sure. Very nice of you.
So I suppose you're here
waiting for your wife.
You're wearing...
Oh! Yeah, this.
I wear it because I find
it helps me sell and close.
So, there's no my wife
in the picture at all.
Fuck no.
But I did just happen to go
on a rather "eventful date,"
quote unquote.
What does that mean?
Go ahead. Give me the details.
Well, you see, Dave, well,
a date implies dinner,
some hand-holding, nice wine,
staring into each other's eyes.
So that didn't happen
with this one?
So it's not that serious, huh?
More like a few Tequila
gold shots,
followed by her mastering
her gag reflex, huh?
Oh! You rascal.
Two whiskeys!
Oh! Aah!
That was nice,
'cept for all the chatting.
She was definitely a talker.
Oh, yeah, big, uh, talker?
About anything specific?
Well, you name it...
Her job, her aerobics class,
her roommate.
Her roommate.
She talk about her roommate?
Yeah, that was a low point.
Might want to slow down there,
It does burn, though.
I was showing her a bungalow.
You see, she was looking
to get out on her own.
I mean, who can blame her
after living
with such a loser roommate
for so long?
- She called him a loser?
- No! No, I did.
You see, Dave, this boy,
- he's not like you and me.
- Really?
He's alone every night
watching any piece of shit
he can get
his grubby little hands on.
Guy would probably need
a chloroform rag and a panel Van
just to get any action,
am I right?
He's probably slept
with at least one girl.
You know, Bob,
you ever think that,
I don't know, maybe this girl's
bringing up this guy
on a date with you
because maybe she likes him
as more than a friend?
That's funny stuff, David.
That is funny!
Just don't know why
she didn't tell me.
What's that?
I don't know why
she didn't tell him.
Oh, well,
she "feels bad" for him,
whatever that means.
But you know what I say, David.
You cut and run.
Yeah, cut and run.
You make a good point, Bob.
You know what? F-Fuck that guy.
What don't you say
we get blitzed?
- Let's get blitzed, huh!
- Why don't you, uh,
hold the fort for me there,
I'll just be back
in a few minutes, huh?
Few minutes, 10 minutes, a year.
Who has time for Joel?
Hey, barkeep.
Maybe pour me some more
of this red hot molten lava.
Hey. Hey, what the fuck?
I added his drinks to your tab.
He said it's on you.
Hey, leave the bottle.
Wait, how much is the...
How much... forget it.
Gotta go. Bye.
Buy you a drink, hot stuff?
That was mine.
When I get back then.
That was so hot.
I'm the last devoted man
on earth!
Jesus, Joel.
You sound like you've had
a gallon of gasoline.
I had red hot molten lava.
Do you need me
to come and get you?
I don't need you, Sarah.
I'm just...
Joel? Joel!
I just gotta lay here, man,
till everything stops spinning.
What the fuck?
You think there's no way
you can change your lives.
You're wrong.
I'm here to tell you
that there's hope.
I'm happier now
than I have ever been.
More successful.
I have faced everything
that you're afraid of,
and I've come out
the other side.
I can help you live your life
with confidence.
Or you'll never know.
Sorry to interrupt your meeting.
You must be Phil.
Take a seat.
- You're late.
- Uh...
Come on. Come on.
Point is, you're here now.
Have a seat.
We're all here for
the same reason, right?
Have a seat.
This is a safe place.
Sir, guys, listen...
You are Phil, right?
Who the fuck else would he be?
I'm... I'm Phil.
Well, sit, then.
My name is Zachary.
- I'm hideo.
- Mike.
- Carrie.
- Fritz.
thanks so much for coming out.
You've got the floor.
- Hmm?
- Uh, uh, uh, what?
Oh, no, you know what?
I liked what you were saying
when I came around
the corner there.
That was some good stuff,
if you just want
to finish that up.
No, no, no. I'm finished.
- All done.
- I talked.
- So did I.
- Yep.
You've got the floor now, Phil.
Well, you know, I-I'm here
for the same reasons
as everyone else
is in the circle...
You know, to get help.
Yeah, for my... addiction?
It's getting rough.
Yeah, oh, it's bad.
It's bad.
Even this last day/night,
phew, I hit rock bottom.
To be honest, I'm starting to...
Starting to realize I'm not
what I think...
Other people think I am.
Well, that was fucking vague.
Zachary: Michael!
You seem agitated.
What's... what's... what's
swirling around your head?
Sometimes I just feel
like I lose touch
with my essence animal.
You know,
my essence animal.
I'm the shark, remember?
Oh, yeah, shark, that's cool.
I like that.
I just want to hunt,
to live by pure instinct.
Is it my fault
society rejects that?
No, Mike, no.
Fuck you! That was rhetorical.
I am troubled by our empty seat.
Well, our friend
is always reliable.
He's reliable and never late.
He said he'd be here.
He'll be here.
Alright? Let's...
Let's don't get off track.
Remember Utah?
Jesus, here we go again.
Hideo, we don't say
the word Utah
unless we've got ourselves
a Utah.
This ain't a Utah.
There's no chance
of being a Utah 'cause I'm here.
So can we just move on?
Yeah, let's move on.
No, forget Utah.
Let's keep the crosstalk
to a minimum. Alright?
Mike was saying
something really...
Interesting about what
you're hunting for in life,
if you want to finish
that thought up?
Just want to be in the moment.
Could be out in a little cabin,
summer camp upstate.
- Oh.
- Sorority house.
That's weird.
Then things get fuzzy for me.
All I remember is screaming.
Then the silence, you know?
Can you please describe
your disposal methods?
How do you conceal your actions
- from people?
- Fucking robot.
I don't know, man. I don't do
my dishes half the time.
You think I'm gonna clean up
a blood-drenched campsite?
What do you do with the bodies?
I have a 17 point plan
that involves several stages
of operations...
Oh, wake me up when you're done.
I once concealed myself
in a drop ceiling
for 16 consecutive hours,
lying in wait for my Mark,
while I slowed my heartbeat
to almost nothing.
Have you ever even bitten
into a kidney?
A warm, fresh kidney
is unlike...
I don't want to hear it.
If I may continue uninterrupted.
Oh, of course. Thank you, Fritz.
I found that by using the skills
from my pretend life
as an accountant,
I'm able to calculate
the number of kills
that I can perform
within a given time frame,
thus increasing my efficiency.
No, just give me a mask,
a machete,
and a bunch
of half naked co-eds,
and I'm ready to go!
You implied that eating flesh
is a shameful act.
On the contrary,
it is the only meat
that has any sense of nobility.
A voice calls me to do so.
- What is...
- It speaks only to me.
I have found that eating flesh
is all that soothes it.
Nope, axe of the head.
Hot damn.
Where were you two
in the early '70s?
I could...
I could have used you.
Do you know
what's a pain in the ass?
Training death squads
for the government.
You gotta take men
and break them
until they lose
all sense of humanity.
No weekends off.
But goddamn, if I had you two?
Oh, my.
Top of the agency
in a couple of years.
But I'm not.
Didn't make it there.
They said I didn't
follow protocol.
Got messy. It got really messy.
I like it messy sometimes.
Too much, what'd they say,
"collateral damage."
Oh, well.
Better luck next time.
I found what I think
is a unique solution
to the problem
of concealment and disposal.
I murder the same victim
repeatedly over several months,
therefore garnering
multiple kills per unit.
I put my victims
on life support,
revive them,
and kill them repeatedly.
The final kill is always
It's drawn out.
It's my reward
for exercising prudence.
Oh, my god.
- Wow.
- See?
Smart. Smart.
He listens,
stays within the limits.
Carrie, how about you?
How do you maintain
your lifestyle
and still keep your urges
under control?
I've killed seven people
this year.
I've never been caught,
and I'm fucking stoked about it.
- Quite a woman.
- Next.
- Phil.
- Hmm?
Why are you here?
It's complicated.
- Complicated?
- Mm-hmm.
Fuck you, complicated.
A month ago, I killed
an entire Cambodian village.
I poured ricin
into the village well.
I camped out in some trees
for a couple of days
and listened
to the screams of the dying.
Couple weeks go by,
what am I doing?
Hanging out,
just watching episodes
of "three's company"
in my underwear,
waiting for the next mission.
Now, what part of that story
do you think was the hardest
for me to admit?
Tell us.
I'm a tax... taxi driver.
Go on.
I... I'm like a crocodile.
A steel crocodile
on wheels...
Prowling through
the dark asphalt rivers
of the city.
Yeah, much like a crocodile,
I separate the weak
from the herd,
only for me, it's single girls,
you know, young girls
that have been...
Broken up with,
cheated on, stood up,
just pining for the men
they can't have.
And I-I pick them up.
They come to me,
and I just release them
from the pain.
That's beautiful, man.
Thank you.
You ever come close
to getting caught?
Mm, think about it, guys.
How would I, you know?
Taxi drivers,
they drive you home.
They know exactly
where you live,
but they have zero connection
to you, Right?
Who... have any of you
even remembered
the taxi driver
that you've driven with?
They're the perfect killers.
They are?
I, me... I'm perfect.
One of a kind, unique.
So you hide in plain sight.
I don't need a drop ceiling,
a 17-point plan,
a sorority house.
You just give me a car,
a rainy night...
And I'm invisible.
I'm invisible.
Brilliantly... banal.
- Yeah.
- Alright.
What do we say we take a break,
reconvene in 10 minutes?
10 minutes, fine with me.
We wait.
Not everyone has spoken.
Hideo, well, I believe
he has forfeited his turn.
Okay, fine,
you want to sit there,
you sit there,
get your heart rate down
to zero or 10
or whatever you want to do.
It's moving up, I can tell.
What are you clocking right now?
You keeping busy, Mike?
I mean, with work.
What, are you
conducting a poll?
Do not get caught up
in society's web of...
Phil, unlock the door
and see who that is.
Unlock the door, see who it is.
I'll just...
Unlock the door.
Holy shit!
Long time no see.
Looks like
I underestimated you, huh?
Love this guy.
Hey, everyone. I know I'm late.
I thought I had a little more
time to kill there, huh?
So just getting started?
We just took a break.
Glad you could make it.
Good to see you, too,
Zachary, Michael, hideo,
science teacher guy, Joan Jett.
They have names.
This is Fritz and Carrie.
Carrie's from
the south Dakota circle.
He knows who I am. He's just
being his usual hilarious self.
And Phil here is new.
- You're Phil?
- Yeah.
Thought you said
your name was Dave.
It's 'cause I didn't know
if I could trust you.
I was just in disguise as Dave
when we met earlier,
your regular, old...
Drunk bar patron.
- It's my go-to.
- So y'all talked?
Phil was telling us
all about himself.
Wow. It's like I get to meet you
all over again
for the first time.
So, hmm. What's your angle?
Are you a Skinner,
a slicer-dicer,
or corpse humper?
What gets the old
creative juices flowing?
Taxi cab driver.
No, no, no, you're going
to have to give me
a little more to go on there.
I am a cab driver.
I pick up girls...
- Mm-hmm.
- And, um...
- Right, right.
- You know? You get it?
Yeah, yeah, yeah.
No, no, actually, I don't.
You know, taxi drivers.
They know where you live.
They have zero connection
to you.
They're basically
the perfect killers.
But you are calling
into dispatch
with the address
you're going to, right?
What happens when the girl
who you dropped off,
you know,
she turns up dead or missing?
I mean...
Trail leads right to you.
Isn't that kind of dumb?
But I do most of my killings
off duty.
- Oh, oh, oh.
- Yes.
Wait, no, no, no.
I'm still confused.
How do you get the cab, then?
They let you drive it around
when you're off work?
Yeah. No.
If you're off duty, why would
you call into dispatch?
I have my methods.
It's a good point, Zachary.
The reason for that...
How many, uh, girls
you killed this year,
So many I can't even keep track.
You have not told me
one true thing
since the moment I met you, huh?
Your name is Phil, is it?
Son of a fucking bitch.
I thought you had
our little group sessions
on lockdown there, Zachary?
I did.
Hey, hey, hey.
You don't have to get up.
Looks like we have ourselves
an interloper.
No, no, no.
Bob! Mike!
Listen, there's a perfectly good
explanation, you guys.
No, please.
No, no, no, no, guys.
Please, please don't kill me.
Please don't fucking
kill me, please.
Who the fuck are you?
No one. I'm no one, I swear.
- I swear.
- Get his wallet.
How the fuck did
you get in here?
I was... I came in...
I got drunk at the bar,
and I went to go to the bathroom
and I just...
I passed out in a closet
for a few hours, okay?
I saw him in here earlier,
drunk off his ass.
- His story checks out.
- See, see?
Well, Joel polsky...
Zach, guys, if you let me go,
I won't tell anyone, I swear.
W-Who would even believe me?
- Right?
- Shut the fu...
Shut the fuck up.
I'm saying we let
this fucking idiot go,
give him a five minute
head start,
then I decide which one of you
has the pleasure
of hunting him down.
- First of all, I don't like it.
- Agreed.
Secondly, I'm obviously
the guy to hunt him down.
Mike, I'm in charge here.
Why don't you put a lid on it?
Who made you the leader?
Me, when I volunteered
to have this meeting.
Plus I have hundreds more kills
than the rest
of you fucking amateurs.
Fuck you. Oh, what?
Like it's so hard
to rack up a body count
with government funding.
You're not a big picture guy,
are you, Mike?
I think we've established that.
Why don't you go to the bar
and pour yourself
a nice tall glass
of shut the fuck up.
We've been compromised.
What, do you want
to kill him here?
What about the evidence? You're
gonna burn the place down?
This isn't some campsite, Mike,
where you've just killed
a bunch of sorority girls,
and you going to jerk off
all over their fucking corpses.
Hey, gang.
Why don't we put this to a vote?
We are still one member short.
Six minus one equals five,
and that's without Phil.
Jesus, what a bunch
of fucking weirdos.
What did you say?
Zachary: Oh, my god!
I'm so much better than this.
We are better than this.
Listen, it's going
to all work out, I promise.
Trust me.
- Where you going?
- Aaaah!
What the fuck?
Were you taping us
the whole time?
Guys, guys, there's
a perfectly good explanation...
Hey, hey, hey!
No, no, no, no, no!
No, no, please don't kill me!
What the fuck?
Who are you?
I'm the one who's gonna kill
every one of those sick fucks.
I'd say shit has gone south.
Jesus chr...
Carrie, darling!
- Th.
- Baby!
What do you want, Robert?
It's very quiet in there.
So what? He's dead.
The guys, they got
a little carried away.
They feel terrible about it.
You could just see their faces.
I'm sure they're so sorry.
We're tired. It's late.
I think all any of us want
is just to see him
and his little tape recorder,
and we could just pick up
and go our separate ways.
First person through that door
gets an ax in the head.
Things seem to have gotten
a little carried away.
You've turned this
into some sort of weird
hostage negotiation.
And how is it that
that little twerp
and his tape recorder
ended up in Phil's seat
in our circle tonight?
Why don't you find Phil
and ask him?
Why does that sound like a dare?
What the fuck
are you doing here?
- Who are you?
- Nobody, I told you.
I'm no... well,
I mean, I'm not nobody.
I'm the deputy assistant editor
for the review section
- of a horror magazine called...
- Okay. So, you're nobody.
Got it. Why are you here?
- 'Cause I followed Bob.
- Why?
Because he's dating my roommate.
So you followed him
to the middle of nowhere
- on a Friday night?
- When you say it like that,
you make me sound like
some kind of weirdo.
Yeah, no, I can't...
I can't hear him over the music.
Time out.
Who are these guys, huh?
What is this,
some kind of support group
for serial killers?
Can you give me
something to work with?!
I'm freaking out
over here, Carrie.
Oh, my god. Fine, yes.
Okay, sort of.
It's more like
a business retreat.
I can't even tell
if you're being sarcastic.
If I wanted to hit you,
I would've hit you.
I'm totally gonna
fucking die here.
Joel, look at me.
Those four men
in the next room...
Those men are
collectively responsible
for 12% of all the unsolved
murders in North America.
Hideo, a high-class chef
specializing in two things...
Upscale fusion cuisine
and raw human flesh.
Part-time cannibal,
full-time psycho monk nut job.
Mike, a rage monster
with mommy issues,
fixates on college-aged victims.
Loves killing them mid-coitus.
He's sloppy, though,
and it's not uncommon
for at least one woman to escape
from one of these rampages.
Fritz, emotionless,
barely human,
more like a lizard
in a skin suit,
takes notes when he's
interacting with people
so he can learn
about human behavior.
He never does.
he dresses up like a clown.
He just likes clowns.
Of course he does.
And finally, Bob nice.
Maybe the most dangerous
of the bunch.
He's a sociopathic,
homicidal pickup artist
who kills his target somewhere
between the first
and third date.
IQ of 180.
The only one of them
who knows how to blend
into polite society.
He's been a fake lawyer,
fake dentist,
fake real estate agent.
Changes identities
like you change shoes.
Guy's a chameleon.
He stuck me with his bar tab.
Sounds about right.
So what about Zachary?
He's dead.
And you...
How do you know all of this?
Trust me,
you do not want to know.
I kind of want to know.
What's this? Is that a list?
I don't know what
you're talking about.
Come on! Carrie,
I could be dead any minute,
and you're not gonna tell me
anything about this list...
I work for an organization.
- Okay?
- An organization?
- That could mean anything.
- It's top secret.
- Like the government?
- No.
- Kind of like the government?
- I've already said too much.
It's a government organization.
You said Bob is dating
your roommate?
Oh, my god, Sarah.
I have to save Sarah.
- We have to get out of here.
- Joel, listen to me.
I know things look bad,
but when I'm done here,
Bob's not going
hurt anybody ever again.
I didn't spend
the last 16 months
infiltrating that
fucked up circle of trust
just to have it all
go up in flames.
I wouldn't do that
if I were you.
Why? I'm parched.
I'm so hungover right now.
Oh, my god.
Who is that?
Oh, that's Phil.
What is going on?
What is your plan here?
Well, first,
I'm gonna have to kill you.
Son of a bitch!
Now Carrie!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
I'm sorry! I'm sorry!
Hey... hey...
Oh, my fucking...
Cocks and tits!
You in there, buddy?
I bet you right now
you wish you were home
at 54 laughing Brooks terrace,
My license. He has my license.
Fucking loser roommate.
What a day.
What a day.
Oh, that doesn't look
too good, Fritz.
I think once I've killed you,
I'm going to ask Sarah
on another date.
And you know what, Joel?
This time,
she's gonna go all...
The way.
Double entendre!
God damn it.
You wanna play it that way, huh?
Hello?! Yes, 9-1-1?
Oh, my god! It's horrible!
Aah, please send somebody.
I-I'm at 337 Cooper road.
Yeah, I just pulled
the fire alarm.
Oh, god.
Oh, I think she's armed.
She's got a leather jacket,
boots, a lesbian haircut.
Oh, and I think
she has an accomplice.
Oh, my god, please.
Send someone quick.
It's... it's horrible.
Oh! The blood.
Oh, the blood!
We got about three minutes
till have to answer
a fuck ton of questions.
Let's go! Chop-chop.
Yeah, but what about Zachary?
He's in there
half fucking dissolved.
Ah, fuck it.
It's their problem now.
That... was... fucked.
You're not making this easy,
Now we got to deal with
three psychopaths and the cops.
Well, at least cops
are easier to deal with
than serial killers,
relatively speaking.
Hey, can I just see that?
Hey, I mean,
if we're being honest,
you got three down and...
Three and a half
with the weird clown guy's hand
and the host of all, come on.
That's pretty good
for one night.
I guess I'm just...
Kind of a perfectionist.
I mean, sure, but...
Some things
you got to let it go.
That's what my dad always says.
What, like you and Sarah?
You're gonna let that go?
What? Let what go?
M-Me and Sarah have
a perfectly good...
You know, there's nothing
to let go between Sarah and I.
We're very... we're good.
We have a healthy, you know,
relationship, friendship thing.
So what were you
doing with this?
Work. My work.
I use it for work.
I, uh...
I'm... I'm a writer,
so I dictate my... okay!
Maybe I was using it to record
my conversation with Bob,
but that's because
I thought he was married.
So I was protecting Sarah.
So it's not weird.
You make it sound like
it's weird. It's not weird.
Okay, let's say none
of this happened tonight.
Bob's just your average
piece of shit.
You play the tape back for her.
Then what?
She suddenly wants to date you
because you obviously
haven't demonstrated
any creepy behavior whatsoever?
I'm just saying, you might
want to reexamine things.
And by reexamine things,
I mean you.
You might want to reexamine you.
- Yeah.
- Yeah.
- I got it.
- Mm-hmm.
- Officer: Let's do this, boys!
- Through that door.
Lock and load!
Keep your eyes open.
Busting in, come on.
Hey! We're in here.
We're in here!
Officer: Get down! Freeze!
- Get your hands up.
- Officer: Drop the axe, playboy!
I spilled my coffee.
- Officer: Book 'em.
- Don't look at me.
Well, well, well.
Look who's being sent
to the principal's office.
Looks like hideo came up short.
Now that's disappointing.
And there he is,
alive and talking.
You mind telling me
what the fuck is going on?
We are about to have
a lot of fun tonight.
Nice. Can we get to it?
I need you to stop.
- Okay. Go ahead. Yeah.
- Go ahead?
Okay, so listen.
This is gonna sound ridiculous.
Hold on.
Shut the fuck up for a second.
Okay, sweetheart.
- Last name?
- Doe.
Can I just please
get my phone call?
We can come right back to this,
if I could have my phone call,
No, I just want to reiterate.
I'm sorry.
This is what you said to me.
A group of serial killers
attending a 12-step meeting
tried to kill me
and my accomplice
before disappearing,
leaving us
with three dead bodies.
Two dead bodies.
The third one, hideo,
- we killed out of self-defense.
- Okay.
So you confessed
to killing a hideo?
- Not me personally.
- Just hold that thought.
It was self-defense.
I need you to hold
that thought quietly.
So you're magazine writer?
Horror journalist.
- What did I say?
- M-Magazine writer.
Yeah, I'm gonna keep it
as a magazine writer.
She's an assassin whose mission
it is to kill serial killers.
For a secret organization.
Okay, great, great.
Let me just write...
Just one word, right? Bullshit.
I can't imagine
you'll take this seriously,
but we and, potentially,
you people are in a lot
of danger right now.
And why would that be?
There are three men out there
who want him dead.
And frankly, they're not
real big fans of mine either.
Looney bin,
even if what
you're saying is true,
you happen to be in custody
in a police station, hmm?
What do you think's
gonna happen?
There are three of you.
Two of you are armed
with typewriters,
and your buddy over there
has his nose buried
in a garbage magazine.
I'm just saying we're not
exactly on lockdown here.
Yeah, well, everybody else is
picking through the mess
you and your sidekick there
left at the Chinese restaurant,
Listen, why don't you
make things easier on yourself
and, uh, sing
like your sweet little friend
over there, huh?
Yeah, he's definitely
got his own style.
Yeah, and he ended up being
one of the serial killers, Bob.
Right, right, Bob.
Bob, who also
sells premium real estate,
which is actually
sort of believable.
Great! See?
We're getting somewhere.
Now can I go make
that phone call?
Um, no! Stop asking.
- I thought it was the law.
- It is.
But guess what?
You're in my town now,
and you're so full of shit,
your eyes are brown.
Just relax there,
pippi longstocking.
You're gonna be there
for a while.
Jesse? Jesse!
I'm not done with you,
even by a long shot.
Don't touch any of my stuff,
Or I will put one of these
right in your suckhole
like a coiled snake, okay?
Smack in the face.
The fire alarm
was not a good idea.
Alright, boys, look.
I think we have
on our hands here
is a clear cut case
of Bonnie and idiot.
Now, Bonnie told me
that people are coming here
to try and kill him
and maybe us.
What? Us? Why?
Just relax.
These two are nutty, alright?
We're just gonna
let them stew in a cage
until the boys are done
with the crime scene tomorrow.
Okie doke. Sounds good.
And hey.
Let's keep an eye on her.
She scares the sweet shit
out of me.
Yeah. Agreed.
Completely terrifying.
I feel like, at any minute,
she could leap from that chair
and strangle any one of us.
Anyway, the horror journalist
wants his phone call.
The who, what?
A horror film journalist.
Like a reviewer
of the horror movie genre.
You know? Horror films!
Films that are outside
the mainstream genres,
like dramas, comedies,
action, musicals.
Sometimes the horror genre
can blend with other genres.
Then you get subgenres.
Now, these are where
you can sometimes find
some really interesting films
that are shocking, surprising,
if I do say so myself,
downright delightful.
Tony, I need you
to get out more.
Maybe try a contact sport.
Yeah, I can do that.
Contact sports, Tony.
Yes, sir.
Don't touch me.
Come on. Come on.
Come on, pick up, Sarah.
- Hello?
- Sarah! Sarah! Sarah!
Listen to me, okay?!
Listen very carefully.
Jesus, joeh
what the hell happened to you?
You sounded like you were drunk.
Yeah, I was, okay?
And I'm sorry.
Well, you should be.
I was worried about you.
- Where are you?
- Yeah, I'm safe now, okay?
I'm in jail. I'm safe.
What do you mean,
you're in jail?
It's a long story, okay?
Don't worry about it.
I had to pretend
to be a serial killer
so the serial killers
wouldn't kill me
- then they killed each other!
- What?
- Just listen!
- What the hell?!
Okay, you know what?
Where are you?
I'm at the appleton county jail.
I'm coming to get you.
No, no, no! Sarah!
Do not come and get me.
Listen, this is why I'm calling.
Listen very carefully.
You cannot leave the house,
No matter who comes to the door,
don't let them in.
If someone calls you, like Bob,
don't answer, okay?!
He's a dangerous man.
Jesus, joeh
my love life
is none of your business.
Wait, how do you
even know his name?
Because he's a murderer, okay?
He will fucking kill you.
Do you understand me, Sarah?
Alright, then. I'm leaving.
No, no.
Have I told you how nice
of a mustache you had?
If I could grow one, I would
grow one just like yours.
I'm just gonna make
a real quick...
Ooh, no.
Can't do that.
It's called one phone call,
- because you get one phone call.
- It'll be so quick.
Just one phone call.
Thank you.
Pop him in cage one, Matt?
Yeah. Then come back for her.
Okie doke.
- Come on, bud.
- Please, please.
If you could just...
Please, just let me...
Just one!
I swear, it'll be fast!
Tony: Come on, buddy.
Did you talk, you fucking fuck?
Son of a bitch!
Hey, settle, easy.
Yeah, baby!
I almost shot you!
Ooh, golly.
She really nailed you.
You okay?
Needed a distraction.
A distraction, yeah.
I knew that. I'm fine.
I mean, maybe in the future,
if you just want to warn me
about your plans prior
so I can be ready.
Maybe we could... fake it.
I don't know.
It just kind of hurts.
You know, I tried
to warn Sarah about Bob,
but she didn't even believe me.
Yeah, she just thinks
you're being a jealous weirdo.
Which you kind of are, I guess.
Here's a tip.
You ready?
You can't force a person
to feel something
or trick them into loving you.
You're not entitled to that.
Okay. So now you feel stupid.
It's a good first step.
You just got to up
your game a bit,
get your head out of your ass.
If you can face down a fucking
knife-wielding cannibal,
you can do anything.
Yeah, I did face him down...
Kind of.
Threw intestines out him.
That means... that's something
I almost got out
of that circle, too.
I mean, I had you fooled.
Who's Mr. Midnite?
When I was a kid,
he killed somebody close to me.
Turned my life
into a living hell.
Cops never found him.
By now, he's probably dead
or somebody I already killed,
or I don't know.
Maybe he's still out there.
The name was just something
I made up.
I thought it sounded deep.
So, was that, like,
how you became...
Who you are?
That and the organization.
Right, the organization.
What was the name
of that organization again?
You told me earlier.
Ooh, hey there.
How can I help you?
Special agent...
Jack felder.
Looking for a couple
murder suspects.
Figured weirdos like this
would be on some kind of list.
Yep, that's why I'm here.
They've been
on the bureau's list
for quite some time.
Hey, that's him!
That's him!
Arrest him! Shoot him!
Kill him! That's him!
The real estate guy
we talked about!
The guy that's dating
my roommate.
- That's him!
- Oh, drop the act.
You have a lot to answer for,
But when I'm done here...
I'm gonna go see your roommate,
and she's gonna give me
everything I need
to wrap...
- Up.
- Oh, come on.
I feel like you can hear
what he's saying to me
right now.
- Can you...
- I can hear what he's saying
to you,
and everything is perfect.
You're absolutely right,
special agent felder.
Come on.
That's a fake mustache.
You don't insult
a man's mustache!
You don't insult
a man's mustache!
I am gonna murder your face!
You don't insult
a man's mustache!
Give me my gun.
Give me... just one.
You see what I mean?
He's psychotic, delusional,
a sexual deviant.
- No.
- A real sociopath.
You two are lucky
he didn't kamikaze you
out in the hallway.
I can't believe a guy
with such a charming smile
would be able to kill
all those people like that.
Well, it's this one
I'm really worried about.
She's unpredictable, unstable.
To tell you the god's
honest truth,
I'm not 100% sure
who she really is
or why these two
are working together,
but what I do know is...
That she's extremely dangerous.
But they're safely under
lock and key, right, boys?
Is there a place where we can go
and talk the details, you know,
away from these two maniacs?
- Cap's office.
- Yeah.
Meet you there.
No, don't leave.
Don't... don't leave.
Don't trust him.
I will... I'm that close.
You got your time.
I am rock hard right now.
See you later.
Hey, keep picking the lock
so we can get out of here.
Alright, Jack. Here's
the evidence you asked for.
Did you listen to that?
No! No, no, no.
He did not want
to give it to us.
So, yeah, I'm excited
to listen to it.
Got to be something juicy
on here.
Well, let's give
a little listen, shall we?
The city, night.
Rain falls like drops of poison.
Windshield wipers slash
like deadly knives.
That's fucking terrible.
What was he trying to establish?
Jesus Christ.
Here you are, detective.
So, what else
do we have in here, huh?
Oh, just knives,
and it's a pretty grim box.
I've got to tell you...
Like a murderous pawnshop.
Little black book.
Took that off Jane Doe.
Things are much worse
than I expected.
Sorry, Mr. Policeman.
Hollands: Aw, jeez.
Alright, okay.
Goddamn it, Tony!
Let's see if Tony needs a hand.
He probably blew a circuit
with that goddamn popcorn maker
in the evidence locker again.
- Yeah.
- Hollands: Jesus Christ.
Yeah, you know what?
I'm taking this.
Don't want you fellas finishing
this before I get back here.
Well, you put your fears
to bed there, Jesse,
'cause the only way
you are not finishing
that bottle with us tonight
is if you drop dead.
Hope not.
I'm the only thing
my stepdaughter, Sharon,
has in the world.
I'MMA check on Tony.
I'm making a move.
Oh, shit.
I mean, nice.
Okay, okay, okay, okay. Come on.
Tony, goddamn it.
This is fuckin' bullshit.
You are unbelievable.
Fine, I'll do it myself.
Ah, shit.
Fucking Tony.
There we go.
What the fuck?
No! No, no, no, no.
Is that regulation
rain jacket?
Try it on.
I'm sure the cap won't mind.
It's nice, right?
Feels good.
Feels real good.
And it's waterproof?
Like a duck's ass.
- Perfect fit.
- Yeah.
That's right.
Like a duck's ass.
Jesus Christ!
Do not sneak up on people
like that.
Did I scare you?
This is serious.
Where is Mike?
We need to wrap things up.
You two need to cool it!
Let's go.
Well, for fuck's sakes.
They're not here.
Yes, keen observation, Michael.
Hold this.
Thank you.
I did find out some
very interesting news
about our good friend Carrie.
- Come on.
- We're free.
Let's go! What?
Did you forget something?
did I headbutt you too hard?
- Get out of here.
- Are you coming with me?
No, I got a job to do. Beat it.
No, you said you'd help me
save Sarah. I can't do that!
Look, none of this would be
happening if it weren't for you.
If you stay here,
you'll just screw things up.
- But I thought...
- Jesus, take a fucking hint.
Need you.
Stupid mannequin.
She's fine.
She doesn't need you.
She said it herself.
Damn it, Carrie.
What the fuck?
Nose! Knee! Head!
Aah! Oh. Holy sh...
Oh, those classes
are really working.
Joel, what this place?
What is happening here?
I can explain everything.
There's... oh.
Oh, my god.
- She kind of does that.
- What?!
- I'm guessing you're Sarah.
- Yes.
You mind just waiting outside
for a minute?
- Yeah, sure. Yeah.
- That's good.
- Yeah.
- O Kay?
Okay, okay.
You came back.
Well, I mean, I was in the area.
Can you just hold that thought?
You were saying?
Carrie, Carrie, Carrie,
watch out!
son of a...
Hey, douchebag.
Here's your one phone call.
Come on.
Let's go. You can do it.
Sarah, start the car!
- Joel, what is going on?
- No, don't get out!
Start it! We're safe now, okay?
Start the fucking car!
- Oh, my god! Is that real?
- What do you think?!
- Get in the car!
- Oh, my god. Okay.
Oh, my god. Is she dying?
Just got to get her
to the hospital.
- Okay. Okay.
- Aah, fuck!
Oh, my god. Is that Bob?
Just go!
We need a doctor!
I want... I want the drugs.
Give me all the drugs.
Anything you got,
just put it in me.
Okay, here we go.
Oh, Jesus Christ.
What happened here?
I fell down some stairs.
- Okay. Sure.
- Yeah.
Okay, ooh, ooh! Is this gonna
hurt as much as that did?
Wait. Aaah!
- Maybe we can j...
- Shh, shh.
God! Fuck!
Fuck you!
Fuck you! I'm sorry.
I shouldn't be swearing at you.
You're just doing your job.
I hate you!
I don't hate you. Aah!
Actually, it's not so bad.
Oh, fuck!
Okay. Uh...
So just tell me why
we can't call the police again.
Just because. Trust me, Sarah.
- Joel, that just sounds insane.
- I know.
But it's true.
And I mean, Carrie,
she's the only reason
I'm even alive.
So, is she your girlfriend?
No... Carrie?
She's just like...
This badass friend.
She's a friend,
just like you, okay?
Yeah, well,
you're definitely a good friend.
I mean, you did save me from
dating a serial killer, so...
So, your friend
is gonna be okay.
Those are a very
serious injuries.
She lost a lot of blood,
and she's pretty weak,
but she's tough, yeah.
Must be the eyeliner.
Anyway, we contacted
the precinct about your attack,
but the phone lines
seem to be down.
So, anyway, try not to
worry about her, okay?
She's going to be okay.
She is in good hands.
Oh, that's...
Alright. Okay.
Oh, my god.
Oh, no you don't!
I'm gonna kill you.
I'm gonna kill you.
Hey, I didn't...
I didn't even gag.
Oh, hey, hey. Are you okay?
I was mulling things over
doing post op, and...
I've come to the conclusion
that I could use an intern.
We got to get out of here.
Come on. Help me up.
Right, yeah.
Son of a bitch.
I knew it was a good idea.
Ah! Great.
I'll get a double chili dog,
thank you.
Oh, pack of jubjubs,
some licorice whips,
a large coke, and oh,
I got one of these popcorn...
If you can just put a bunch
of the liquid buttery stuff
all over the popcorn,
- both in the middle and the top.
- Yeah, sorry
we're actually closed
for the season.
What are you doing here?
Just restocking the shelves.
On the off season?
Got to keep busy.
Okay. Gotcha. I'm just
gonna use the can quick,
- and I'll be out of your hair.
- It's out of order.
Oh, nonsense.
It's just a number one.
- I'll be super quick.
- Hey, did you hear me?
I said it was out of order.
[ Body thuds 1
Grab some snacks.
I'll help her out.
Copy that.
Ahh! Whoo!
Let's roll.
You forget something?
No, cotton candy, pretzels,
jubjubs, popcorn.
What more can you want?
Right. Yep.
Getting it! Getting it!
Sorry about that.
Time's ticking.
No way.
Got it.
- You didn't puke.
- No, I didn't.
- You gag?
- Yeah.
Your meter's broken...
Yeah, um...
Maggie, can you send
in some writers?
I got an idea.
Cab drivers.
I'm gonna call it
"taxi cab driller."
Yeah, I know. Oh, yeah.
It's fucking genius, isn't it?
I'm back! I'm back, baby!
I'm back!
What a dick.