Voicemails for Isabelle (2026) Movie Script

["Dancing on My Own" by Robyn playing]
[sprays]
["Dancing on My Own" continues]
I did it!
Holy shit!
It
was
awesome.
Start from the top!
I walked into school this morning.
And then I see Colin Corwin.
-[screams] Yeah!
-Somebody said you got a new friend
Does she love you better than I can?
Jill tastes like beef jerky.
[boys laughing]
[girls gasp]
[boys gasp and groan]
I see you told everyone
how you begged me to suck face.
-Classy!
-[girls exclaim] Ooh!
Sorry, Jill, but I'm not
gonna be your boyfriend.
-[boys exclaim] Oh!
-Don't flatter yourself, Colin Corwin.
I regretted you the second
your sweaty slug lips touched mine.
[girls exclaim]
Hey, Jill, does your sister taste
like beef jerky too,
or just cancer?
-[boys and girls gasp]
-[boy] Cold.
I'm just gonna dance all night
-[Jill and Colin grunt]
-Fight!
[boy and girls chanting]
Fight! Fight! Fight!
[screams]
[sobbing]
You're gonna be in so much trouble.
Mr. Corwin!
You cry like a little bitch.
[Colin sobs]
He asked if I tasted like cancer?
That's it?
I'd rather have cancer
than cystic fibrosis.
Boys are just so embarrassing.
Well, congratulations. You're suspended.
Again.
-["Dancing on My Own" continues]
-[both laughing]
[woman on TV] Welcome to
the culinary motherland, San Francisco.
I just gotta see it for myself
I'm in the corner
Watching you kiss her
Oh
[Jill] Turmeric.
Pistachio, fruit of the gods!
Oh!
I'm giving it my all--
-[music stops]
-[both screaming]
Back away, girls! Out of the way!
[Isabelle squeaks]
[Isabelle sighs]
[Dad] We shoulda had boys.
You see, the antibiotics aren't working
as well as we'd hoped.
Hi.
Izzy, listen. It's Robyn.
-["Dancing on My Own" playing]
-[gasps]
On my own
-Ready?
-Ready!
On my own
So far away, but still so near
Do you really need to go out?
It's your last New Year's with us.
I know.
It's also my last New Year's
with my friends.
-I know.
-Bye, love you!
-Be safe.
-Mwah! Bye!
-[Mom] Love you.
-To say goodbye
You ready?
-[woman] 15 minutes to midnight, bitches!
-[partiers whooping]
-I'm sorry. I have gotta go. I can't
-[moaning]
-[moaning continues]
-[electronic dance music playing]
[inhales, exhales]
[sighs]
-I'm so sorry.
-No.
That was so fun.
["Dancing on My Own" by Robyn playing"]
-Sorry. Pardon me. Excuse me.
-I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl
You're taking home
[Mom, Dad, Isabelle] Three, two, one!
-Happy New Year!
-[whooping]
-[Jill yelling]
-[all yelling]
-[blows]
-[shouts]
I have my knife skills test tomorrow,
and there's just no way for me
to make it in time and I am so, so sorry.
Holy sh
[Isabelle] Don't worry, my lad.
Pretty soon, you'll be headed
to the culinary motherland!
Dancing on my own
He thought it was gonna happen
in 2029, 30 years ago,
so if we can just
[indistinct chatter]
Oh, you're looking at my eye.
-Your eye? What?
-Yeah. I look like Sloth from The Goonies.
[both chuckle]
-No, you don't.
-I know.
-No, you don't.
-[Scott] Don't worry. It's
It's just pink eye.
Well, I'm pretty sure
pink eye is, like, super contagious.
No, that's just a common misconception.
No, really, I think it is.
Fake news made up by Big Pharma.
[laughs nervously]
[Scott] Trust me.
Your eyes, on the other hand,
are super beautiful.
[tense music playing]
[automated voice] Your call
has been forwarded to voicemail.
And then he smears butt particles
all over my face.
My face is a butthole.
Call me tomorrow, please.
[laughs]
[song fades]
[alarm chiming]
[Jill] I'm up.
["Almost Happy" by Laces playing]
I'm just young enough
To be a little numb and dumb
Not sure how I feel
But I'm sure I've seen enough
Enough that the world
Would miss me a little
Would they say I--
-[music stops]
-[coughing intensely]
[gags]
-[song resumes]
-Here we are, here we are
Here we are, here we are
Hey
Hey
Here we are, here we are
It's like I'm almost happy
It's like I'm almost happy
[groans softly]
[song fades]
[dramatic classical music playing]
[cheering]
-[excited chatter]
-[dramatic classical music continues]
[crowd screaming]
Bonjour!
Chef Bastien, who is your favorite chef?
Who is my favorite chef? That is easy.
It is ma mre.
She is so beautiful, she is dead.
Your performance on Top Chef
changed my life.
Ow.
[music fades]
[Bastien] Geoffrey! Eyes on your cake!
-[man gasps]
-Get!
Look at me. Don't look at me.
Look at me.
Never look at me!
[tense music playing]
Did you just look at me?
Did you just make eye contact with me?
No, Chef.
-[both exhale]
-[music fades]
-Oh!
-[man grunts]
Maybe try saying "corner" next time.
[cooks laughing]
[sighs]
-You okay?
-Yeah.
Eight hours deseeding
and slicing kumquats?!
Culinary waterboarding.
[Jill] I can't even remember
the last time I actually made anything,
other than my brekkie burrito.
All I do is measure, deseed, slice,
and pray for the sweet release of death.
An AI robot could
do my job better than me.
You were built for this, my dude.
Let a mofo know.
[groans]
I will let a mofo know I am homesick,
I'm almost out of savings,
and there's nowhere for me to go
unless a baker quits or retires or dies.
All right, fine, you crazy son of a bitch.
I will fly to San Fran
and murder one of the bakers with you.
How would we do it?
Well, obviously, we'd wrap
my oxygen cord around his neck.
-Wow, you answered that so quickly.
-[laughing]
Wait, speaking of lack
of oxygen to the brain,
I'm getting drinks
with Equinox Ethan tomorrow.
Isn't that the guy who thinks
that babies can breathe underwater?
He's neurospicy.
Have a little healthy self-love, my guy.
Eh
You've gotta get on Hinge.
It's amazing.
Except for the part where you feel
like a hideous, unlovable troll
that might match with Ted Bundy.
-I've never been drier.
-[Jill laughs]
I think I'd rather
just live vicariously through you.
Perfect.
-Hello?
-Yeah. I'm here.
-Hi.
-No
I have to tell you something.
Don't freak out.
What?
[sniffles, sighs]
Test results came back.
-Why didn't you call me?
-I literally just did.
They're, uh
listing me for a lung transplant.
It's lookin' pretty dire. [laughs sadly]
They don't know
what they're talking about.
I mean, they've been wrong
every single step of the way.
You're fine, because
Because you're a superhero.
Have they still not figured that out yet?
Yeah, I guess not.
-Tsk. I'm gonna come home.
-No.
-I'll look up flights now.
-No.
It's not because of the results.
I miss you. I need to see you.
You're gonna be home
in three weeks for turkey.
-For the weekend.
-If you do, I will kick you in the tit.
You'll never make baker if you fly home
every time they give us shit news.
-No, I'm--
-You are being so dramatic.
-I'm not being dramatic!
-This is not A Walk to Remember.
But is it A Fault in Our Stars?
[chuckles]
Shailene would def play me in my biopic.
-But no.
-Okay, fine.
But I'll see you in three weeks. Turkey!
Jill?
Yes, my lad?
[poignant music playing]
You're the most lovable person
I've ever known.
If you're a bird, I'm a bird, brother.
Call me tomorrow?
Night.
Good night.
[sniffles]
[inhales, exhales]
Jill, look, I want
to be absolutely translucent.
-"Transparent"?
-That too.
Uh, listen,
I am down to, like, hang,
but not for anything, like, intense.
-[inhales] Oh
-But I am 100% committed to--
Penetration?
Yes!
Oh, my God, yes. Yeah.
We are, like, on the same wavelength.
We are just over here,
finishing each other's--
-Minds!
-[indistinct chatter]
[cell phone buzzing]
I'm gonna take this.
[ominous music playing]
[Mom on recording] Jill, honey,
you need to come home right now.
-Call me when you get this.
-[gasps]
[somber music playing]
[Jill] Mom, I'm here.
What's going on? How is she?
-Talk to me. What's going on?
-[medical staff chattering indistinctly]
-What are they saying?
-She crashed suddenly.
Okay.
Her oxygen levels dropped.
She didn't make it.
Izzy didn't make it.
Okay. What are they saying?
Jill, honey
Mom, where is she?
She didn't make it, honey.
I'm here. Where is she?
Where is she?
-Jill, honey
-Where is she?
-Jill.
-Izzy?
["To Build A Home"
by The Cinematic Orchestra playing]
[Jill] Izzy was dealt
a bullshit hand.
["To Build A Home" continues softly]
But she never ever complained.
She was beyond that.
[laughs] And she believed
in angels and fate.
In an "order" of things.
I think she would
have really loved Burning Man.
[inhales, exhales]
So, um today,
rather than eviscerating this
order of things that I don't understand,
um, I'm gonna try my best.
I'm gonna try my best
to make lemonade, like Izzy.
And Beyonc.
[sighs]
Isabelle could have been alive
a thousand years ago,
or a thousand years from now,
but what are the chances
that in all of time, space, humanity,
she was alive with us, right?
With me.
How lucky are we?
And not only did she and I meet.
[Jill sobs softly]
But
[voice breaks] But we got to eat pancakes.
We got to wiggle out
our little baby teeth together.
We got to paint each other's toenails.
[inhales sharply, laughs sadly]
We got to be sisters.
We got to be sisters.
-["To Build A Home" continues]
-Built a home
For you
For me
Until it disappeared
From me
From you
[Izzy on recording] My brother in Christ.
We miss you on Whore Island.
[laughs]
My brother in Christ.
We miss you on Whore Island.
Don't forget.
You're more beautiful than Cinderella.
You smell like pine needles,
and you have a face like sunshine.
When I look at you, my heart is filled
with purple and pink fireworks.
Be ungovernable.
You gotta flop to fly.
We could open a chowder spot
and call it "Bisquey Business."
I just drank all of Mom's ros
and DMed Jacob Elordi.
Maybe he'll think
I'm a Make-a-Wish kid. [laughs]
Good night, lad. I love you.
Call me.
[song fades]
[ship horns blowing distantly]
[laughs]
[line dialing]
[cell phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
Who is that?
I don't know. I just got a new work cell.
[laughing] Yo, Isabella!
It is I, your brother.
I'm sitting here at my bench.
I'm looking out at the Golden Gate Bridge.
It's a beautiful night.
I'm drinking champagne
out of a brown paper bag,
and I am missing you.
Oh, my God, I hate this place.
Where are our weirdos, man?
You know, I thought SF was gonna be
full of rock-and-roll hippies in drag
who love pot and Journey and burritos.
But where the hell is the Jos's here?
Where are the?
[shouting] And whose dick
do I have to suck
to get a breakfast taco around here?!
I love you, brother.
You are such a bitch for leaving
before I could tell you that.
[door opens]
We need to talk about boundaries.
[ethereal music playing]
-Good night, Arthur. See you tomorrow.
-Good night, see ya.
-Hey, Jill?
-Yeah?
You wanna grab a drink?
So, that was a sorta long-ass vacation
you took, Jill.
Oh, my sister sorta
died.
-Dang.
-Yeah.
Jill, that is hella sad.
Thanks, yeah. So how have you been?
-Amazing. Life is just perfect.
-[indistinct chatter]
Everything is working for me, Jill.
Everything is exactly where it should be.
How are you?
-I'm done, Wes.
-[chatter continues]
-With your cider, or?
-With us.
What? We're just getting
to know each other.
You've been inside of me for six months.
Pastries, baking,
it's a chick thing, traditionally.
But that's so sexist, right?
Because I can do anything my mom can do.
[coughs]
I am trying to hold space
for your brokenness.
But I deserve secure attachment,
not someone who love bombs me
like I'm on The Bachelor,
and then the moment that I catch feels
brings me to Buffalo Wild Wings.
-You said you liked wings.
-I lied!
[chatter stops]
Excuse me, can I get one of those?
Thank you so much.
[Jill and Arthur] Cheers!
[upbeat music plays, stops]
God, you're so beautiful.
You're like easily a 6.5.
Like, an SF 6.5, a Kansas ten.
-Do you want another shot?
-Can we get one more of those?
[Brittani] I just wanna
hear you say it, Wes.
You don't know how to love.
-That's No. I don't think that-- Britt.
-[whimsical music playing]
-Britt, listen. Hey, stop.
-Stop.
I'm sorry. I can't claim to understand
all the ways that my trauma
has affected me,
but I know that
I'm genuinely sorry.
["Joyride" by Kesha playing]
Are you a man? 'Cause I'm a bitch
You're strong.
[Brittani] You've been a bad boy.
-[song stops]
-[Arthur moaning]
-Don't touch my hair.
-Okay. Sorry.
-[song resumes]
-Joyride
-Joyride
-[Brittani exclaims]
I'm just looking for a good time
-[song stops]
-Tell me everything's gonna be okay.
[breathing heavily]
Everything's gonna be okay.
-[Arthur moans]
-Hm?
Say it again.
No, I can't. I
To be honest, I don't
Between climate change
and the unraveling of democracy,
I don't really think that everything is
-[song resumes]
-[Brittani grunting]
[Brittani grunting and growling]
-Tell me.
-Everything's gonna be okay.
-[screams]
-[grunts]
[moaning loudly]
-[groaning] Oh!
-[sighs contentedly]
-[laughing]
-[sighs]
[inhales sharply]
[cries]
Sorry.
Joyride
[song ends]
What's up, babe?
Hey.
So, I cannot stop thinking
about last night.
Oh!
Yeah. I got several noise complaints.
Did you?
What do you say tonight
my bear claw goes in your croissant?
-No.
-[laughing]
No. No, you can't handle this.
-[scoffs]
-[Arthur laughs]
No? Isn't?
-Hey.
-I feel sick.
No, I'm sorry.
No, it's good. I'm good. We're good, 'kay?
-Okay.
-Jill.
I'm cool.
Cool as a kumquat.
You used me like a human dildo.
And you kicked me to the curb.
-What are you talking about?
-I'm talking about what you did.
-What I did? I--
-You're You gaslit me.
And you're gonna regret it.
["Walking at a Downtown Pace"
by Parquet Courts playing]
Um
I've found a reason to exist
Begging not to go extinct
-Do what you saw
-[inaudible dialogue]
[Wes] Fefe, I got you a triple-shot latte
to thank you.
Shh! That was the last time, Wes.
It's a felony.
Reading texts?
Hacking someone's texts for insider info
to sell commercial real estate?
-Yes, a felony.
-I don't--
In all 50 states.
Including Idaho,
where cannibalism is legal.
I'm out, Wes.
You're gonna have to stalk people
the same way as everyone else.
Instagram.
All right, no, I see the play.
I will pay you double
and then you can buy yourself
more sweater vests or Pokmon cards or--
Pokmon?
You know what?
I'm done being your little hacker boy.
So you can take your lattes
and your shiny teeth back upstairs.
Okay. All right. Understood.
[employees chattering]
I appreciate you, Fefe.
[man] Uh, he's in a meeting right now.
Can I take a message?
Okay, sure. Just call back.
It's Felix!
[indistinct chatter]
[upbeat music playing over speakers]
Oh, my God. You went on that date
with the guy with the pink eye.
-[laughs] Yeah, that's me.
-[laughs]
It's been weeks, I bet his eye's healed.
Maybe I should hit him up
for a second date?
No, that was a joke.
I'm actually on a dick cleanse.
A D-tox, if you will.
Patiently awaiting my gay awakening.
-Did you know what you wanted?
-I'll have a mocha to go. Please. Thanks.
Ever been stood up?
-Oh, are you talking to me?
-I overheard your conversation.
[Jill] Oh, great.
Have I been stood up?
Actually, no.
So I still have that to look forward to.
Well, I have you beat, then.
I am currently being stood up.
-On a day date?
-Yeah.
Yikes.
Yikes is right.
Sorry.
Would you maybe want to join me?
Please. I don't think my fragile male ego
could handle another rejection today.
[chuckles]
Um, what's your name?
Tyler Riordan.
Jill Shaw.
-Lady Shaw.
-Thanks.
Tyler Riordan sounds so familiar.
Are you a tech founder?
Not smart enough.
Actor?
Hmph! Not pretty enough.
Oh, you're not pretty enough?
Okay. So you're an influencer.
-The irony is palpable.
-[gasps]
Wait.
You have the, um, dating podcast.
You're the dating guy. [gasps]
Hi! Nice to meet you, Tyler Riordan.
Oh, my God.
Tyler, my phone died, and I had
to find my way back from the East Bay.
I completely raw-dogged it with my mind.
No worries. I ran into a friend.
-Yes.
-Mm-hmm.
Well, nice to see you, friend.
Have a seat.
No, no, no. We can get another table.
No, no, no, please. Please sit.
[laughs awkwardly]
Um, I'm just gonna grab my stuff.
Nice to meet you, ma'am.
Take your seat. I've warmed it up for you.
-I'm so sorry. I'm just gonna Yeah.
-Yeah.
[Jill] Cool. Bye.
Jill!
[Jill] Hi.
I figured I could let you leave.
Then I'd have to go home,
get on Craigslist, and write a post
on Missed Connections. Very early 2000s.
[both laugh]
Or I could just run out on my date,
chase you down the street,
and ask you for your number,
which now that I say it out loud
uh, maybe Craigslist was the move.
[hopeful music playing]
I'm swearing off men, remember?
-The whole D-tox thing, so
-Yes. D-toxing. Right.
I can't.
-Nice to meet you.
-Well, how about I give you my number?
[music fades]
Okay.
[Tyler chuckles]
[cell phone buzzing]
[sighs]
[buzzing continues]
[cell phone chimes]
[Jill on recording] Izzy? [laughs]
-[shrieks]
-[laughs softly]
[Jill inhales sharply]
You're not gonna believe this.
It was some Notting Hill,
frickin' Bridget Jones shit.
-Please get ready.
-[laughs softly]
You know what he was?
He was Bri-hi-ti-hish
from foggy London town.
Actually, I don't know if he was
from London, but I'm gonna pause
so that you can finish masturbating.
[laughs out loud]
[auspicious music playing]
-[knocking on door]
-[music fades]
Good work, Wes.
Thank you, sir.
-[Jim] Close her up.
-You got it.
All right.
[whispers] Jill.
Hey, psst!
[mouths] Fuck you.
[Bastien] Line up!
[tense pensive music playing]
I have a little bit of a puzzle.
Zella, Bastien la crme.
What are the ingredients?
All-purpose flour, almond flour,
powdered and granulated sugar, whole egg,
cream, unsalted butter,
vanilla bean, and salt, Chef.
Did you say "human hair"?
[Zella] No, I did not, Chef.
[Bastien] That puts me
in a real snickerdoodle. [snickers]
[music crescendos]
Oh, now, wait a second.
Kirby, why do I see
one of your radioactive
Chucky-doll pubes in my tart?
That is not mine.
That's not yours?
Right there, on the little titty part.
-No.
-No?
Oh, did Little Orphan Annie
come into my kitchen last night
and shed her ginger ass on this tart?
I don't know.
-You don't know?
-[Kirby] Mm-mm.
[music turns dramatic]
[Jill] It was so unhinged, my dude.
But
there is a silver lining.
Or shall I say a ginger lining?
[laughs] Damn, Jilleth. I know. Too soon.
Look, I take no pleasure in saying this,
but the baker position is now open!
[yells]
Finally!
[Jill and Tyler laugh]
But what are the qualifications
to host a podcast?
-Qualifications?
-Yes.
-There are none.
-Really?
-Thought so.
-I'm virtually skill-less.
I just think that the dating game
has gotten somewhat toxic.
I don't know, it's going great for me.
Haven't been murdered yet.
Well, the night is young.
[both laugh]
[indistinct chatter]
Tell me about your work, Chef.
Well, I don't want
to flex on you too hard, but, uh
I am the kumquat girl of Flner.
-Oh, wow.
-Yeah.
-I'm impressed.
-Mm-hm.
Though I'm not entirely sure
what a kumquat is.
They're like very tiny,
very annoying oranges.
-[Tyler] Ah.
-And I am their leader.
[R&B music playing over speakers]
Yes. Wait.
Flner? Isn't that the fellow
from Top Chef?
Chef Bastien. I'm currently in a battle
to the death to become his new baker,
in the hopes that, one day,
I do actually get to bake.
Well, take no prisoners, kumquat girl.
[laughs]
-Thank you so much.
-[Tyler] Thank you.
[waitress] Of course.
So how are the fish and chips
compared to back home?
Not bad, actually.
Yeah? I've never been to England.
It's amazing.
I'll have to take you.
["Hey Daddy" by Usher playing]
Daddy's home
Home for me
And I know you've been
Waiting for this loving all day
You know your daddy's home
-Daddy's home
-And it's time to play
-It's time to play
-Yeah
So you ain't got to
Give my loving away
[Jill] Mm!
So all my ladies say hey, hey
Hey, daddy--
-[song stops]
-[coughs]
[both moaning softly]
-Okay, you gotta go.
-[exhales]
-You have to go. Get up.
-What?
-Now?
-Yep, right now.
-Okay.
-That's all your stuff. Yep. Come on!
-Was it something that I did?
-Hurry!
-No. Go!
-No problem.
Well, I had a great time.
-Bye.
-Bye.
[exclaims softly]
Come on.
I didn't think I could do it,
but I did it!
-Come on. Call.
-[line dialing]
[automated voice]
Please record your message.
Hello, Izzy.
I would like to tell you something,
that it was very, very, very,
very, very, very close,
but I kept it in my pants,
because my body is a sacred temple,
and my vagina is a secret garden.
-I I am Jillothene Shaw!
-[dramatic music playing]
Resistor of desires of the flesh,
almighty tamer of sexual demons!
-I am Jill!
-[music crescendos, stops]
[Jill screams]
I left my wallet.
Help.
I promise I barely heard anything.
[Jill] Oh, my God.
[Tyler] I do have one question though.
[Jill whimpers]
What was that about a secret garden?
God damn it.
[Jill exhales sharply]
-[Jill screams on recording]
-[Tyler] I left my wallet.
-No! No, Jill, no!
-[Jill] Oh, my God.
God, lock your door, Jill.
You don't lock your door?
-[Tyler] Promise I barely heard anything.
-Oh, God.
[exhales]
They're probably hooking up right now.
They're definitely hooking up. [laughs]
Well, whatever.
He probably has terrible teeth.
[upbeat music playing]
No text. Hm.
[music fades]
Okay.
Don't be crazy. You're being crazy.
[Tyler on podcast]
Ladies, save yourself the heartache.
If he's not texting you,
he doesn't want to talk to you.
Truth is so important. We all need to get
What?
Check.
[muffled scream]
[yells]
[gentle music playing]
[chuckles]
Good night, Izzy.
[Izzy] Good night, lad.
I love you.
[music fades]
I love you too.
Okay, you know as best man
that you have to give a speech, right?
-[indistinct chatter]
-[Andy and Breeda] He didn't.
-Oh, come on. I knew that.
-[Breeda] No idea.
I knew that.
You guys think so little of me.
We do not. We think very highly of you,
but I should write it.
And after much deliberation
-Yeah?
-we're giving you a plus-one.
-Yes!
-[Breeda] But
You do not get to bring an influencer
whose actual name you do not know.
I knew her name.
-You didn't know her name.
-Not at all.
You're talking about Lu, right?
Lonestar Lu?
-Lonestar Lu was her handle.
-[Andy] Mm-hm.
-Her name was Keilani.
-[mellow music playing over speakers]
I mean, that's just confusing branding.
-Bye.
-Go.
-Beat it.
-Really?
-Yes.
-You can't sit with us.
-You cannot.
-Are you serious?
[Andy] Oh, look, open table.
Just for you.
Okay, fine.
-Fine. I'm walking over here.
-Fine.
-Bye.
-I'll enjoy my tacos alone.
Yeah, enjoy.
[groans]
-You know what your problem is?
-[Wes] Huh?
You're sad-boy deadly.
-Yeah.
-It's your eyes.
Every girl thinks you're a wounded puppy,
and you have no idea how gorgeous you are.
-But you're not sad. He's not sad.
-Mm-mm. No, he's not.
-And he knows exactly how gorgeous he is.
-What?
You think I'm gorgeous, Breeds?
-You think he's gorgeous?
-[cell rings]
-Wait.
-[Breeda] I mean
Now he has two phones to use for evil.
[Breeda] Oh, great.
No. Okay, so this random girl has been
leaving voicemails on my new work cell,
and they're for her sister.
-And they're, like, kinda hilarious.
-[Breeda] Wait.
How does she not know
that her sister changed her number?
-Text her.
-[Wes] I thought I did.
I'm gonna just see what's happening
with the douchecaster real quick.
-Douchecaster?
-Douchecaster?
Guess who's officially being ghosted
by a Hitch wannabe.
[chuckles] I am.
And I am never gonna make baker
because, um, I boned the competition
and now he's out to destroy my life,
which rocks.
Um, so, yeah.
I'm, uh
I'm just calling you to ask
how
am I supposed to do this without you?
[poignant music playing]
We were supposed to die together.
We made a deal.
Like Noah and Allie in The Notebook.
"You're a bird, I'm a bird," you whore.
"I wish I knew how to quit you."
Okay, I'll stop.
You're in a better place.
Probably slurping face with Heath Ledger
as we speak, huh?
But I miss you.
My lad.
Every minute
of every single day.
This party sucks without you.
Call me?
[poignant music continues]
[Wes] Isabelle's dead. They're
They're voicemails for her dead sister.
-What?
-What?
-Oh, my God, that's heartbreaking.
-Uh
You gotta tell her.
-Now you're a sicko.
-No, no, no, do not tell her.
She's healing. This is her way of healing.
[Andy] Just stop listening to her
like a creeper, then.
[Breeda] Yeah, maybe stop
listening to her like a creeper, then.
You tell him you no longer want to invest
in something that isn't going anywhere.
You shut your whore mouth when you talk!
-[Jim] Wes.
-Hey! Hey, Jim.
Red River closed?
-Yes, sir.
-Very nice.
What's next?
Hey, is Donovan still slipping
on that San Fran spot?
-[snickers]
-He goes, "Jill, this is exciting."
I shit you not,
those were his final words to me.
He has no soul!
I must protect womankind!
Well, guess what?
[chortles]
Love, Not Actually has
a live podcast taping tomorrow!
And I know, if you were here,
I know what you would say.
You would say,
in the immortal words of our queen,
Michelle Obama, esquire,
"When they go low"
-"We go high."
-"we go lower!"
Okay.
["Electric Love" by BRNS playing]
-Candy
-[lively chatter]
She's sweet like candy in my veins
Baby, I'm dying for another taste
[chatter stops]
And every night
My mind is running around her
[clears throat]
Excited for the show.
Thank you.
Oh! I'm so-- Did I step on your foot?
I'm so sorry about that. I'm sorry.
I'm sorry.
-So sorry.
-No, it's okay.
-[chatter resumes]
-I can't let you go now that I got it
And all I need is to be struck
By your electric love
Is that okay?
Perfect.
Baby, your electric--
-[song stops]
-[women screaming and cheering]
[sensual theme music playing]
Thank you all for coming.
Looking gorgeous as ever, I see.
And we're going live.
Hi there.
[cheering]
Well
-What should we talk about, ladies?
-[women laughing]
I am at your disposal.
-Now, who wants to kick us off?
-[mouths] Oh, my God.
Me!
[Tyler] Yes, in the Giants hat.
[Jill] Thank you.
Hey, Tyler. I'm a huge fan.
My favorite episode is the one
about dating with accountability.
[women exclaiming]
It's a good one, right?
But I had a quick question about that.
Accountability, that's only expected
of us lovelorn, pathetic,
desperate ladies, correct?
Fellas get a free pass
to, say, I don't know,
like, hypothetically speaking,
talk about bringing you home to England,
get you naked, vanish out of thin air
without even a text saying,
"I'm alive, but no thank you"?
[woman coughs]
Um, well, uh,
this pod is designed for, uh, women
to navigate the perils
of the dating world.
Oh!
Okay, well, thanks to you, Tyler,
I've come face-to-face
with the perils of the dating world!
[laughs]
Here's my little bit
of "proactive dating advice"
to you ladies.
If it looks like a duck
and it swims like a duck,
it's probably just a bargain-bin,
Hugh Grant fuckboy with a podcast.
["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]
-So
-[song stops]
I'm gonna just, um see myself out.
I'll give this to you.
Thank you, excuse me. I'm sorry.
-[song resumes]
-Boys wanna be her
Girls wanna be her
Boys wanna be her
I wanna be her
Well, um
What is testimony without a test?
What is accountability without an account?
I'm sorry. I'm Excuse me.
["Boys Wanna Be Her" continues]
[Tyler] Uh, communication is key.
-Proactive dating isn't about perfection.
-[exhales]
-[Tyler] It's about progress.
-[song fades]
[woman] What?
"If it looks like a duck
and swims like a duck,
it's probably just a Hugh Can't
with a podcast." [whoops]
At first it got very, very quiet,
and then they were like [whoops]
[chuckles, sighs]
Wow.
Another one bites the dust.
Oh, there's this, um,
cute deli at the bus stop
at my bench at Battery Spencer.
I got my salami on sourdough
with spicy mustard.
Mmm-mmm.
[birds twittering]
["Marjorie" by Taylor Swift playing]
You're gonna tell me
that this is dumb, but whatever.
I have this
stupid fantasy that
someone's gonna come and sit down
next to me like I'm Meg Ryan.
And we start talking
about our days and the weather,
which makes no sense,
'cause it's always foggy.
Maybe I offer him half my sandwich
and we lock eyes and it happens.
We just know.
In our bones, like how birds know
when a storm is coming.
How do they do that?
[laughs]
And we can't even play it cool,
because there's nothing cool
about what we feel.
It's desperate and all-consuming
and really scary,
but we're in it together.
That could happen, right?
Says the girl
who can't even get a text back.
[exhales deeply]
I'm sharing this with you, my lad.
-[squawks]
-[gasps]
["Marjorie" continues]
And if I didn't know better
I'd think you were listening to me now
If I didn't know better
I'd think you were still around
What died didn't stay dead
What died didn't stay dead
You're alive, so alive
Sorry, is this Is this seat taken?
-[song fades]
-[Wes sighs]
It's beautiful.
[ship horns blowing distantly]
[Jill] Mm-hm.
-I'm Wes.
-Hm!
I'm Jill.
Jill.
Nice to meet you, Jill.
Well, enjoy the view.
Uh wait.
Um
I have to tell you something.
You have to tell me something?
Um, I I am here uh, in San Francisco
for, um
for, uh for work,
and I
I just
just get
-I wanted to get a few recs from a local.
-Oh!
Did you just have a stroke?
Do you smell burnt toast?
[both laugh]
Gosh. I don't know.
I'm not a local, by the way.
I've been here a year,
so I guess, technically,
but I have not cracked the code
of this city.
God damn it,
she's a tough nut to crack. Sorry.
Well, what's your favorite thing
to do here?
You're looking at it.
Wow. Then I'm off to a good start, huh?
Jeez. [chuckles]
-What?
-[laughing]
You're rolling in here with all this like
[laughs] What is that?
That is why I have to bid you
good night and good luck.
I'm closed for business.
Not that I even had any business,
or that men
Men are not my business. Zero judgment.
Love and light to the girlies
selling feet pics online.
I tried, but someone said
my toes look like ugly fingers,
so I chop fruit now.
-Should we start over?
-Yes, please.
Okay, I'm Wes.
And, uh
I'm visiting.
I'm Jill.
And I'm boy sober.
Oh, okay.
Nice to meet you.
[Wes] Nice to meet you.
Oh, uh
Do you think
you could just point me
in the direction of some breakfast tacos?
[hopeful music playing]
-It ain't Jos's, but it ain't half-bad.
-What?
-You know Jos's?
-Oh, yeah.
-Jos's is my favorite.
-Jos's is my favorite.
So you really are from Tejas, huh?
-Yes, ma'am.
-[chuckles]
So, could you just give me
like an opening line
or a thesis statement?
You don't need help from a stranger.
These are your best friends.
I'm not sure that I believe
in the whole, uh, marriage thing.
Ah, so let me guess.
[Spanish song playing over speakers]
-Your parents are divorced.
-[both chuckle]
-Very, very astute.
-Am I right?
Yeah, they probably would be
if my mom were still alive.
I am so sorry.
No, it's I was little.
-Sorry. I shouldn't have said that.
-No, it's okay. It's really okay.
[inhales deeply]
You don't want a first line from me.
[laughs nervously]
I've been told that
I suffer from a severe case of TMI.
No great speech started with a filter.
Um
What are their names?
Breeda and Andy.
-Breeda and Andy.
-Mm-hm.
"You have made a believer out of me."
Holy shit.
-See? I knew it.
-Well, don't say it if it's not true.
You don't wanna kick off their union
in a bed of lies.
-Cross my heart and hope to die.
-Don't hope that.
I won't. I--
I won't hope that.
-Thank you.
-So, uh, real estate, huh?
-Yeah, yeah.
-Do you have a fancy metal nameplate?
-Why else would I be doing this?
-Living the corporate daddy dream.
Yeah, that's right.
I mean, it has its perks.
But, uh, I got my eye on something.
I'm playing the long game.
What kind of something?
Let's just say, I keep my cards close.
What about you?
What's the dream?
I'm living the "it's a good day if I'm not
being publicly humiliated" dream.
-[Wes laughs]
-[chuckles]
-That can't be the dream!
-Well, dreams are so short-sighted.
When you're a little kid,
you only know three jobs, right?
There's, like, police officer,
school teacher, and chef.
-Mission accomplished.
-Except no.
I'm what they call a "prep cook."
And as Chef says,
we are barely one step
above the janitorial staff and pedophiles.
Sounds like you gotta take
your prep cook skills elsewhere.
-Mm.
-Come on. If you build it, they will come.
-Trust me, I'd love to start my own thing.
-What's stopping you?
I don't know, just any money at all,
or brand reputation,
business plan, house specialty.
Oh, come on, you got a specialty.
Even my mom had a specialty.
-It was cornbread chicken pot pie.
-Oh!
A woman after my own heart.
Do you know the recipe?
No, I wish.
It was legendary.
I mean, people still talk about it.
I wish I, uh I wish I could remember.
I'll bet your taste buds do.
[chuckles softly]
All right, the suspense is killing me.
If you could put one thing on your menu,
what would it be?
You think I'm gonna share
my culinary secrets with a stranger?
[Wes chuckles]
I'll tell you what,
I'm here for two weeks.
Why don't we try
to crack this SF nut together?
As fellow Texas expats,
I feel obligated to tell you
that I am girl sober,
so I will not make out with you.
Even if you beg me, I won't do it.
Scout's honor.
["Something Like This" by CIL playing]
[inaudible dialogue]
Something about the day make me
Wanna put it on the line, on the wire
All you need to bring is yourself
Company's all that I require
I'm not naive for needing my baby
So, today, come on over
And play 'cause
I've been patient
I've been waiting
For something like this
Ooh-wee
Like this
-Ooh-wee
-Waiting for something like this
-Ooh-wee
-Waiting for something like
Baby, If you want me
You know where to find me
I'll be ready for you, babe
Taste so sweet, it's like honey
Dripping down my body, babe
I know that this bitch love
Drive you crazy
So, today
Won't you come out and play, 'cause
I've been patient
I've been waiting
For something like this
-Ooh-wee
-Mmm
Like this
-Ooh-wee
-Waiting for something like
Ooh-wee
Like this
[song ends]
I don't know what happened, Chef.
I rolled it out last night,
and I put it in the fridge.
[Bastien] Apparently not.
-You've set us all back!
-[Jill] We could grate it.
[man] Whoa.
Or
It's I accidentally froze
my butter in culinary school,
and grating it
made the dough even flakier.
-You're still talking?
-[cooks laugh]
What is this? The Alpha Gamma prep girls?
[laughing]
-Right?
-[Arthur] Michelin-star joke, Chef.
[Bastien] "It makes it extra flaky."
[cooks laughing]
Hey.
I never asked for your help.
[Wes] I sold the spot.
-You did?
-Yeah.
What a star! We have to celebrate.
-After you. How was your day?
-[Jill chuckles]
-Uh
-[passengers chattering]
[clears throat] Chef Bastien
was feeling particularly evil.
He didn't use a single 'quat.
He literally poured them out
into the trash can
while maintaining eye contact with me.
It was kumquat carnage.
He's hazing you, Jill.
[sighs]
I don't know if I'm built for this.
What, this Flner gig?
This
This dream.
Ignore me and my existential dread.
[chuckles]
It's your last day,
and I am ready to giggle.
Welcome to Golden Gate Giggles.
[whoops]
I'm your tour guide, Walter,
and we're so glad you chose us,
Golden Gate Giggles.
How about a joke?
Sure.
Why did the hipster refuse
"Why did the hipster refuse
to cross the Golden Gate Bridge?"
[both] Why?
Because it was too mainstream.
Pause for laughs.
[laughs]
-It's my first day today.
-[microphone feedback squeals]
-Crushing it, Walter.
-Let's start out with some funny facts.
Sure.
Ha!
San Francisco is where
they invented blue jeans,
and the electric
-I can't do this.
-You're doing fine.
-Just take a deep breath.
-I quit.
-[driver] You can't. We got 2 hours left.
-[Walter] Let me off!
-Nope. Sit down and take a breath.
-Open the door! [yells]
-[driver] I need this job!
-Open the door!
-Let me off!
-This is why I don't have kids.
Let me off!
[panting]
Hey, boss. We paid for giggles.
-Not my department.
-[passengers groaning]
[woman] We gonna get a refund?
[passengers chattering indistinctly]
What are you doing?
[Wes] Uh
Uh, what's up, guys?
I'm Wes.
So, where's everybody from?
-Uh, other than New Jersey.
-[passengers chuckle]
Look, kid, you gotta sit down. Now.
Uh, I know. I'm sorry. I just
We came for giggles, right?
-Yeah.
-[Wes] Let's get some giggles in here.
Uh, up ahead, we've got
the world-famous
squiggle street.
["San Francisco Blues"
by Peggy Lee playing]
On your right, we have, uh, the house
where Robin Williams brought a donkey
into the party in Mrs. Doubtfire.
[passengers exclaiming]
Go to Fisherman's Wharf
Top of the Mark
Telegraph Hill
Golden Gate Park
Baby, baby, baby
There's so much in this town
[Wes] Out in the bay, you see it?
That is Alcatraz,
the famous prison that is known
for hosting legendary criminals
like Al Capone and, um, Sean Connery.
[passengers laugh]
Okay, look, child, you're gonna have
to sit down now or I will kick you off.
-Last thing. On your left
-[driver] Seriously?
is the delectable Flner.
I don't want to embarrass her,
but we are actually in the presence
of one of San Francisco's
most talented up-and-coming chefs.
She taught Chef Bastien
everything he knows because she--
she is most definitely built for this.
-[driver] Okay, Romeo, show's over.
-[passengers groan]
-I'm going. I just have one more thing.
-I know you are. No, you don't.
-Let's go. And you're done.
-I left my heart
-Off! Uh-huh. All right.
-In San Francisco
I just need to finish!
-[man 1] High on a hill
-Dude!
[all] She calls to me
-Let go!
-When I come home to you
-[driver] All right. Fine.
-San Francisco!
Your golden sun
Will shine
For me
[passengers cheering]
[hopeful music playing]
[music turns dramatic]
I guess the scouts have no honor, huh?
It's a good thing I wasn't a Boy Scout.
-[man 1 whistles]
-[passengers cheering]
[man 2] Yeah, all right!
[passengers cheering and whooping]
Ah, ta-da!
Blue crab and corn fritters
with smoked jalapeo aioli.
-Wow.
-Voil!
-[Wes] This is insane.
-Yay.
[Wes chuckles]
-What?
-Is it good?
Are you kidding me?
Chef Bastien is an idiot.
He is sitting on a gold mine.
How did you even learn how to do this?
Um
["Either Way I Lose" by Meshell
Ndegeocello playing over speakers]
My sister was stuck at home
a lot as a kid.
She was really sick.
And the kitchen was our happy place.
We were like two little mad scientists.
-[laughs]
-[chuckles]
We always thought we were
on the verge of discovering something
the world had never seen.
-[laughs]
-[chuckles]
Either way I lose
Though I know
My sister
Isabelle, she died.
In November. She had cystic fibrosis.
I'm so sorry, Jill.
She was just the love of my life. No big.
-I bet she's proud of you.
-Uh
I was much cooler as a kid.
I peaked at like 12.
[both chuckle]
I would do the craziest shit
just to come home with a story for her.
I would've tried crack
if it made her laugh.
And now, I think I might be
a little bit dead inside.
Jill
you couldn't be less dead inside.
What you need to do
is you need to get out there
and try crack.
[laughs]
Come with me
to Breeda and Andy's wedding.
Hm.
Okay. [laughs nervously]
-I'll ask my overlord.
-[snickers]
All right.
Ready for the main course?
There's more?
-I This was already so impressive.
-Come on!
-How could you make more? I don't even
-[laughs]
-Shut up.
-You can't top this.
Okay.
Either way I lose
Is that chicken pot pie?
With cornbread crust.
You made this for me?
Yeah. I mean, I have no idea
if it's anything like your mom's.
It was a full-blown experiment,
but we will see.
All right.
[wistful music playing]
Uh
I'm gonna go Just
I'm gonna prep dessert, okay?
["Cherish You" by Mikky Ekko playing]
Believe it
I need you by my side
Yes, I know you know
Know you know
Know I've been a sinner, baby
I've seen it
I've seen you high and dry
Yes, I know you don't
Know you don't
Know you don't need me to say it
But if anything happens between us
Does everything change?
[pots and pans clanking]
I know you feel it too
I can see it in your face
So tell me now not to get too close
'Cause it always happens
One, two, three, four
How much longer can this go?
Oh, babe, don't break
Every single breath you take
Kills me softly, chills my body
But when we reach the limit
-[song ends]
-[dishes clattering]
-Sorry.
-No. Sorry.
-Yeah I just have to go to the bathroom.
-Okay.
[thuds]
All right. You okay?
-Yep.
-Okay.
-[Wes] Sorry. Uh
-Oh, no. Okay.
Okay.
[inhales, exhales]
Just say it. Just say the words.
Just say it.
Jill. Hey, Jill. I've been
I've been getting your voicemails.
I've been getting
Oh, shit.
Oh, shit.
[exhales sharply]
[sighs]
[sniffs]
[inhales, exhales]
[door opens]
Jill.
Uh
I, um
[sucks through teeth]
No, it's okay.
It's totally okay.
Um
Want to just watch Top Chef?
[woman on TV] I took a date-based ganache.
I shaped it into a small sphere,
and I coated it
in a cocoa-infused beignet dough before
Jill, I've been getting your voicemails.
[man 1 on TV] I like the surprise
in the middle. It's nice.
[man 2] I went with
a bombolone-style donut.
I worked in fresh orange and lemon zest,
fried it off,
and finished it
with a passionfruit cream filling.
-[man 1] The texture's great.
-[Wes sighs]
Heaven help me
My mind changes like the wind
["Waking Up Slow"
by Gabrielle Aplin playing]
Please excuse me
I don't know where to begin
But I didn't think I cared
I could be your friend
But I'm unprepared
Oh, I've never felt like this
I was unaware
That you were lighting flares
Now I'm running scared
Oh, how did it come to this?
You know I've never
Been so lonely on my own
And it shows
'Cause I don't see you like I used to
Now I'm going back
On the things that I know
Oh, all my nights taste like gold
Yeah, when I'm with you
It's like everything glows
And all my days, we can lay low
Yeah, when we're waking up
We're waking up slow
[song fades]
Dessert tacos.
Dessert tacos?
When Izzy was super sick,
they tried to get her to eat,
and she'd throw everything up
except her favorite.
Dessert tacos. And that is my specialty.
Magic: The Gathering.
The card game?
Actually, they're not just cards.
They're actually collectible.
They're really valuable.
But, um, my mom, uh
she would buy them for me,
and she bought me my first pack, and
I just need the Alpha Black Lotus
to complete the Power Nine.
It's one of the rarest cards in the world.
That's what I've been working towards.
Wow.
And I think I may have found one on eBay.
-Really?
-Yeah.
So
I gotta confess,
I was actually gonna ghost you
for not having the full Power Nine.
-[chuckles]
-So now I don't have to.
-Yeah.
-Yeah.
Okay, wow. Still in the game.
Still in the game.
I'll see you at home.
Yeah.
Safe flight.
Thanks.
[Andy and Breeda laughing]
[Wes] Last breath of freedom
till you're chained for life.
-Hey!
-Yay!
[cell phone ringing]
Oh! We are excited to meet Jill.
-[Breeda] Yeah, we are.
-[ringing stops]
-Oh, no.
-[groans]
I knew it.
What happened, Wes?
Nothing. Nothing.
-We're just hanging out.
-[both groan]
All right, I admit that things
have gotten a little intense.
Intense? You're the one
that flew to another city for this girl.
No, I flew to another city for work.
-Oh, for work.
-Oh, yes, of course.
-It was a work trip.
-Work trip, and--
All I'm saying is once in a while, Wes,
someone comes along
that changes the whole game.
Yeah, don't be so busy scoring
that you miss it.
-[scoffs]
-Wow.
-That was good. So good.
-That was nice.
-[Breeda] Copyright that.
-[Andy] Every single time.
Wait a minute. Wait. You didn't tell us
what happened with the voicemails.
[groans]
-You didn't tell her?
-O.M. God.
I'm going to.
-Liar, liar!
-Guys, look.
Oh, my God, this is like a sick reboot
of You've Got Mail.
Tom Hanks is America's sweetheart!
[in unison] You are not Tom Hanks!
I might slap him.
-Violence is never--
-[Breeda] Slap him.
-[Wes] Hey! Hey!
-Wes, tell her the truth.
-I'm going to.
-Okay? Yes.
-[in unison] Tell her the truth, Wes.
-I will! In person.
I swear on my mom.
-[exhales]
-[indistinct chatter]
[Wes sighs]
-Well, now we can't say anything.
-Yeah.
[playing alluring melody]
[exhales, sniffs]
["Beige" by York Lore playing]
I don't wanna see you smile
I want you in the morning
Before you go performing
Tell me something I don't know
And lead me to the place
Where no one ever goes
You know you're beautiful
But that ain't half the gold treasure
In your soul
What you got? 'Cause I want it all
With your fingers in my mouth
I fail to see your faults
So please don't let me fall
So please don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
Don't let me fall
-[song fades]
-[glass clinking]
Good evening, everyone. I'm Wes.
[cheering and whooping]
[whoops]
Andy's younger, dreamier cousin.
-Lies.
-[Wes] If not by blood.
Our mothers were best friends.
And Breeda is the older sister
that I never had.
[guests] Aww.
So I tried to warn 'em both
that marriage is Russian roulette, okay?
-Should we go over the divorce rate?
-[all] No.
Okay, suffice it to say,
I wouldn't consider myself a romantic.
[woman] Aw.
[poignant music playing]
But, um
did you know that these two
weren't even supposed to meet?
Andy's alarm randomly didn't go off.
This man has never been late
to anything in his entire life.
And he missed his dentist appointment.
And he loves the dentist.
[guests laughing]
-It's true.
-I do.
They made him wait for an hour,
and he was about to walk out,
when Breeda walked in.
[man] Aww.
[Wes] If that alarm had gone off
when it was supposed to,
these two would never have met,
and we would not be here tonight.
[guests chattering softly]
I don't know about gambling on forever,
but I do know this.
You're proof
that sometimes
life rigs things in our favor.
[poignant music intensifies]
To Breeda and Andy.
Yeah!
You made a believer out of me.
[guests cheering and whistling]
-I am so proud of you.
-Couldn't have done it without you, coach.
[Jill] That was beautiful.
-Your hands are so cold.
-I know. [laughs]
-What?
-[guests chattering]
Wait, let's warm you up.
Jeez.
["Ride the Storm"
by Goldford playing over speakers]
Thanks.
-Can I top you off?
-Yes, please.
Thanks.
-[Andy] There she is.
-Oh, my God! Jill!
Oh, wow. I am so starstruck.
-Oh, my God!
-[all laugh]
We can ride the storm
Can I get one more
and a whiskey on the rocks?
-Yes.
-Thank you for being here. You're so cute.
-Congrats!
-Enjoy. Thank you!
-[Breeda] Oh, my God.
-[Andy] Look who decided to show up!
[line dialing]
[cell phone buzzing]
[dialing and buzzing continue]
We can make it through it all
Go and show us what we really are
[dramatic poignant music playing]
[gasps]
[gasps]
[breathing heavily]
-Oh, my God, are you okay?
-I'm so sorry.
-Are you all right?
-Sorry.
Jill! Hey, Jill! Jill, wait!
Why is my sister's number
connected to your phone, Wes?
Okay, it's-- It's a crazy story.
I I got a work phone,
and then I inherited
your sister's phone number.
-What are you talking about? How?
-After she died.
But my sister died in November.
So, you've been getting my
voicemails this entire time?
I was going to tell you. I just
Things kept happening.
-And I--
-What did you hear?
Wes, what did you hear?
My bench?
You knew that I was gonna be at my bench.
You knew about Jos's, about my fantasy.
You knew about my sister.
You knew everything?
You knew everything.
-Oh, my God, I'm gonna die.
-Just Jill.
-No. I knew it.
-Jill.
-Hold on.
-I knew that this was too good to be true.
-No, Jill.
-It was too perfect, I was too happy.
And I'm not-- I'm not that lucky.
-I was gonna tell you.
-Take this.
I promise. I
I know how much you loved Isabelle, and--
No, you do not!
You wouldn't know anything about that.
You're right.
I don't.
You deserve someone
that can love you like that, and
I don't know how.
[laughs ruefully]
That's crazy.
So you heard all my voicemails,
and you still don't get it.
Those voicemails
are not a plea to the universe,
"God, send me somebody to love me!"
I don't need a man.
[music fades]
What I need is my little sister back.
[poignant music playing]
[poignant music continues]
[Jill] Wait.
No, no, no, no.
No, that's
[exhales sharply]
[sobs]
[sobbing] Please, no!
[sobbing]
-[music fades]
-[sirens wailing distantly]
[Bastien] Mettez-vous en rang!
Line up!
Prep piggies.
[in unison] Yes, Chef!
The time has come to see which of you,
if any,
has what it takes to bake.
[inhales deeply]
Le souffl.
-I just have a quick question--
-Begin!
[tense music playing]
Vingt et une minutes.
"Twenty-one minutes."
[mouths] Fuck you.
[Bastien] Quatorze minutes.
"Fourteen minutes."
[tense music continues]
No.
Help me, brother. Pears, plums.
Dragon fruit with chocolate?
Chocolate crme? That's boring.
What would you do?
What would you do? [exhales]
[serene music playing]
Fruit
of the gods.
Pistache. Pistache and
Raspberry coulis.
Oh, my God, that's perfect.
[both gasp]
[Arthur] Oh!
Oh, so sorry.
I didn't hear you say "corner,"
Kumquat.
[laughs]
["Boys Wanna Be Her" by Peaches playing]
[laughing]
Okay.
Oh!
To you they crawl, body sprawl
One minute.
Close call, stand tall
Doll, you make them feel so small
What in the world are you doing?
[laughing]
[Bastien] And three, two, one.
-Time!
-[song ends]
Very good. Trs bien.
[suspenseful music playing]
Le moment de vrit.
"The moment of truth."
Hm.
It's everything
you've ever taught me, Chef.
Enjoy.
-You do me great honor.
-[Arthur] Thank you, Chef.
[suspenseful music intensifies]
[inhales, exhales]
Yes.
[Jill] Souffl pancakes
with flamb kumquats,
cream chantilly,
and ground pistachios, Chef.
[suspenseful music continues]
[Bastien] Being a baker
is about precision.
Consistency.
Being a baker is not
about desperate, frantic experimentation.
[laughing]
Congratulations, young man.
-Me?
-[triumphant music plays]
-Me? What?
-[cheering]
[Arthur laughing]
Yes!
Yeah!
[laughing hysterically]
This is a joke, right?
This is a funny little ha-ha,
little hee-hee joke, no?
-No.
-You barely tasted that.
And why might that be?
Maybe because
Uh no.
-It's raw?
-[cooks gasp]
But you knew that, didn't you?
Did you also know
that while you're busy out there,
pretending to be Timothe Chalamet,
he's been sticking pubes in tarts
and butter in freezers?
And you know what? Did you ever consider
that the girl with the dead sister might
be the one who wants to cry during sex?!
So, sugar tits, look at me.
I did not leave my home
and my beautiful family
to waste this one wild and precious life
working for the goddamn
Temu Gordon Ramsay.
You finished
fourth on Top Chef!
-It was third!
-[cooks gasp]
And you can drop
the bad Lumire impression
because we all know
that you're from Wisconsin.
And that your name
No!
is Gilbert!
It's actually Gilbert.
[Jill] Who's coming with me?
Who's coming with me?
[Jill breathing heavily]
Happy birthday to me
[garage door opening]
[knocking on door]
-[Jill gasps]
-[both] Surprise!
Oh, my God.
I went full Jilly Maguire.
You told 'em to come with you, didn't you?
Yeah. Yeah, I did.
No one came with you, did they?
No. No, they did not.
[both] Cowards.
Not really. Where are they
supposed to come to?
I have nothing built.
I have nothing to offer anyone.
Maybe this isn't who I am anymore.
And I just need to accept it.
I need to grow up.
It's time to grow up.
It's time to get a job in accounting.
-Honey, you're not good at math.
-So bad.
Maybe I'm good now.
I haven't counted in a long time.
Okay. Um
We, uh, got something for you.
We found it in the garage.
[tender poignant music playing]
[laughs]
I feel like I'm letting her down.
Honey.
You are her hero.
Maybe her hero just wants to go back home.
Well, then your home
will be waiting for you.
Always.
Sweetheart, there's, uh,
something else in there.
[music fades]
[tender poignant music resumes]
What?
What is-- What is this?
Izzy's college fund.
No, I'm not I can't take that.
It's not much, but we know
she'd want you to have it.
You could use it to come back home,
get a new apartment,
maybe a job in accounting.
Or you could use it to give 'em hell.
What would Izzy say?
Yeah, yeah, yeah
["Show Me Love" by Robyn playing]
[chuckles]
Always been
Told that I've got too much pride
Too independent to have you by my side
-[growls]
-But my heart said
-No.
-All of you will see
Just won't live for someone
-Until he lives for me
-[cries] I suck.
Well, now I've found you
-[groans]
-And I'll tell you no lie
This love I've got for you
Oh, my God.
-Now show me love
-Show me love
Show me life
Baby, show me what it's all about
[yelps]
-[growls]
-You're the one that I ever needed
Show me love and what it's all about
All right
Show me love, show me life
All right
Show me love and what it's all about
All right
[song fades]
-[seagulls cawing]
-[ship horn blows distantly]
Hi, sir. Are you interested
in trying one of
Hi.
[lilting music playing]
[thunder crashes]
-Wow.
-Hi.
Hey.
Uh, can we get the Ube All Day nachos?
Yes. [laughs]
-[man] Thank you.
-[music fades]
[gasps, screams]
Oh, my God!
Shit, it's on fire!
[yelling]
[screaming]
[yelling and screaming continue]
-[extinguisher thuds]
-[man coughing]
[coughing]
[Jill] So sorry.
I can't make your dessert nachos
anymore.
I hate you.
I'm so sorry.
You've taught her to hate.
-[poignant music playing]
-[sobbing]
Stupid.
[knocking on door]
We're closed!
[pounding on door]
I said we're closed!
-Zella, what are you doing here?
-Shit.
Short circuit?
-I guess.
-[sighs]
Probably overloaded the battery.
Need to beef up the power system.
[exhales]
Why are you pre-making chips?
Everything needs to be served hot.
Well, I don't have time
to make fresh chips every single order.
Seems like you do.
Which brings me to why,
in all that's holy,
are you parked in the Marina?
The Marina's pretty,
and there's lots of joggers and--
Preppy tech bros and Karens
and vegan Alo clones?
Everyone hates the Marina.
The Marina hates itself.
It's basically LA.
Let's pretend this little soft opening
extra soft, flaccid opening
never happened.
We move the truck
to our grand reopening at Hippie Hill.
"We"?
You asked who was with you, right?
Yeah.
[hopeful music playing]
I'm with you, okay?
I'm with you.
Why?
You're good.
And so am I.
And if you can't join 'em, beat 'em.
[both laugh]
-[band playing "Lights"]
-[crowd cheering]
When the lights go down in the city
[crowd whistling]
And the sun shines on the bay
Ooh, I wanna be there in my city
Oh
Oh, oh, oh!
Yeah, yeah!
Oh, oh, ah
When the lights go down in the city
And the sun shines on the bay
Ooh, I wanna be there in my city
Oh
-Oh, oh, oh
-[both cheering and laughing]
Oh, oh, oh
[song fades]
[Mom squealing]
-[Jill] Hi.
-Jill.
-[Dad laughing]
-[Mom] You're home.
Hi, honey.
[man 1] Yeah. Okay, perfect.
[man 2] Okay.
[wistful music playing]
[indistinct chatter]
[Wes] Mm.
[music fades]
I ate. I just wanted
to come say hi to you.
-Hi.
-Hi.
How are you?
Will you talk to me?
We never see you anymore.
-Wes, you spend every night at Jos's.
-[sighs]
-She's not at Jos's.
-I know that.
-Do you know that?
-I know that.
I just love Jos's.
No one loves Jos's that much.
Jos doesn't love Jos's that much.
I love Jos's that much.
Jill's doing really well. If it helps.
-She got a food truck.
-How do you know?
Obviously, I follow her on Instagram.
She's adorable.
[sighs]
You don't ever peek?
I think she's had enough
of me peeking into her life.
[sighs]
Yeah.
Yeah.
I hope she got her voicemails back.
What?
[poignant music playing]
She posted about losing
all of her voicemails from Isabelle.
It was a while ago.
She was asking if anyone
knew how to recover them.
[Felix] Voicemails?
-They're encrypted.
-[music fades]
Probably already wiped.
Even if they're not,
you'd have to hack into a telecom server,
which is how you end up on a watch list.
Why don't you try getting your sales
the old-fashioned way, Wes? By selling.
[employees chattering indistinctly]
No, Felix, it's not for a sale, man.
It's for a girl.
And I did everything wrong.
But this feels like one thing
I don't know, maybe the only thing
that I can do right.
[pensive music playing]
Magic: The Gathering?
What do you think I am? A loser?
That, Felix, is an Alpha Edition
Black Lotus card.
That's the most valuable thing I own.
If anyone can do this, it's you.
[music turns poignant]
Wes!
Maybe you should just call her?
No. She wouldn't answer.
Then
leave her a voicemail.
["New Year's Day"
by Taylor Swift playing over speakers]
There's glitter on the floor
After the party
[inhales, exhales deeply]
[line dialing]
Candle wax and Polaroids
On the hardwood floor
[on recording] You've reached Jill,
and you know the drill.
Hey, Jill. Uh, it's Wes.
Been a minute.
Um
I saw your food truck is popping off.
I'm so proud of you.
I If I can say that. Um
I just
I wanted to let you know that,
uh, I got a new work number,
so you can continue to leave voicemails.
Um, I paid for the line
to the end of next year.
And I can extend it longer too.
Um, as long as you want.
And no one will be listening.
Just Izzy.
I want your midnights
You probably have plans tonight, um,
but I was thinking
of ringing in the New Year at Jos's.
You know, who needs a midnight kiss
when you can smash a taco? Am I right?
That, um
Sorry, that sounded better in my head. Uh
[inhales]
I don't even know if you're in town.
So, um
Happy New Year, Jill.
[door opens]
-[sighs]
-[door closes]
-[Andy] Intervention.
-What?
-Intervention!
-What are you--
-You stood us up! Again.
-Mm-hm!
No cousin of mine is spending
New Year's alone, crying to Taylor Swift.
I don't cry to Taylor Swift.
-The whole block can hear!
-They're complaining again.
-Okay, well, I have plans tonight, so
-No more tacos!
Yes, tacos!
I miss the old Wes!
I'm sorry. The old Wes can't come
to the phone right now.
-Why? Oh
-Oh, no. Don't you dare.
-Because he's dead.
-Get your ass in the shower!
My God, you need a shower.
We are going to the party.
-No!
-Yes!
-No!
-Yes!
[both grunting]
Okay. Very mature.
[Wes] No!
[Wes and Andy gasping]
I'm Postmating champagne.
-[Andy] Very nice.
-[Wes] Wait.
Look what you made me do!
[Wes on recording] I was thinking
of ringing in the New Year at Jos's.
You know, who needs a midnight kiss
when you can smash a taco? Am I right?
What?
Thirty minutes.
Whoo!
[both] Whoo.
["To Build A Home"
by The Cinematic Orchestra playing]
What was it about her, Wes?
[music fades]
[people cheering distantly]
She had no filter to speak of.
-[Breeda chuckles softly]
-[chuckles] Hm.
Her cheeks were always full of food,
like a
sexy chipmunk.
[laughs]
And
-Do you guys know what a kumquat is?
-Nope.
A small citrus fruit
native to Southeast Asia.
Yeah.
That was weird.
And her laugh.
["To Build A Home" resumes]
It was, um
Yeah.
I am broken.
And she was the dream.
Have you told her that?
She is home for the holidays.
No, it's too late.
You said it, Breeds,
like, she's not there.
Why would she be? She
I don't deserve that.
Maybe sometimes life rigs things
in our favor.
[music turns hopeful]
[cell phone chiming]
What?
[music intensifies]
[gasps]
[gasps]
Oh, my God.
[gasps]
-[Izzy on recording] Hello?
-[gasps]
Hello? I think I have the wrong number.
I'm trying to reach my big brother, Jill,
who has an interview today.
Maybe you've heard of her?
My brother, Jill, who macked
on Colin Corwin then whupped his ass.
My brother that is the hottest,
bravest, baddest bitch on the block.
Condoms wear her for protection.
"Simba, remember who you are."
-That was not my best. [laughs]
-[laughs]
-[Izzy exhales]
-[sobbing softly]
I've got a good feeling
about this one, Jilly.
[sniffles]
It's okay if you're scared.
I'm right there with you.
You feel that?
That's me, brother.
Get out there.
[thunder rumbles distantly]
This is the part where you run, Wes.
["Beautiful Things"
by Benson Boone playing]
-[Andy] Run!
-You have 15 minutes.
-Okay. Run?
-[Breeda] Now. Go.
-I should go?
-[Andy] Yes, go.
Don't take
-Love you.
-Oh, there he goes.
These beautiful things that I've got
Please stay
I want you, I need you, oh, God
Don't take
These beautiful things that I've got
[horn honking]
-Oh, shit! Whoa!
-[tires screeching]
[man] Get out of the street!
-These beautiful things that I've got
-[fireworks exploding]
Oh, oh, oh
Ooh
Whoa, oh, oh
Ooh
Please stay
[man speaks in Spanish]
[Wes] Sorry!
Just-- Just looking for somebody.
I'll just be one second.
These beautiful things that I've got
-[song ends]
-[suspenseful music playing]
[music turns tender]
-Hi.
-Wait. Jill. Um
I gotta tell you something.
I love you.
In a very uncool, desperate,
all-consuming kind of way.
But it wasn't from the moment
that I saw you.
It was before then.
And
I'm scared.
And I
I don't really have
the tools for this. But
you make me feel brave.
You make me feel everything.
I know that you don't need a man, Jill.
But I sure as hell need you.
[dramatic ethereal music playing]
That was good. Really good.
-Are you sure?
-Yeah.
[laughs]
-I feel like Meg Ryan.
-Mm.
Well, then that would make me Tom--
-[speaking Spanish]
-Oh, sorry!
I told you, I said I was leaving. Okay.
-[speaking Spanish]
-Yeah, yeah, yeah!
-Lo siento.
-Thank you.
["New Touch" by Caveboy
playing over speakers]
Hello.
Oh, sorry. Just give me one sec.
I'm gonna go take my break, okay?
-Do it up.
-Okay.
Next.
[families chattering]
[automated voice] Your call
has been forwarded to voicemail.
Hey, Isabelle.
[poignant music playing]
This is Wes.
I wanted to ask for your blessing.
I'm gonna ask Jill to move in with me.
Or here, so
I mean, I guess I'm actually
gonna ask if I can move to her.
Um
I know that I can never replace you, but
I promise to watch
every episode of Top Chef.
Even after I've seen 'em all.
And, yes, I promise to partake
in all the Robyn dance parties.
I am
sorry I never got to meet you.
I always wanted a little sister.
So if there's any way
that you could just, like, give me a sign.
Hey, Izz.
I'll be really quick.
I'll let you get back to margaritas
with Grandpa and Elvis, but I
I just wanted to let you know
that this is my last voicemail.
And I wanted to tell you
not to worry about me, okay?
I'm gonna be all right.
This Wes kid
I think he's a bird like us.
I mean, he can't fry an egg,
and he acts all cool,
but he's actually
a Magic: The Gathering nerd.
[laughs]
And he says that he can't dance.
I I'm working on it.
But yeah, I just wanted to call
and say that
["Dancing on My Own"
playing over speakers]
Oh, my God.
[volume increases]
Oh, my God, Izz, it's our song.
It's Robyn! It's Robyn!
Like a dove with a sign
that says, "Yes, Wes."
-It's Robyn!
-Ooh-- I gotta go.
-[screams] It's Robyn!
-[laughs]
Bitch really loves Robyn.
Oh
I'm right over here
Why can't you see me?
Oh
Well played.
I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl
You're takin' home
Ooh
I keep dancing on my own
You ready?
Dancing on my own
So far away, but still so near
The lights go on, the music dies
But you don't see me standing here
I love you, Isabelle.
I just came to say goodbye
I'm in the corner
Watchin' you kiss her
Oh
I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl
You're takin' home
Ooh
I keep dancing on my own
I keep dancing on my own
I'm in the corner
Watchin' you kiss her
Oh
I'm right over here
Why can't you see me?
Oh
I'm giving it my all
But I'm not the girl you're takin' home
Ooh
I keep dancing on my own
I keep dancing on my own
I keep dancing on my own
[song fades]
[lively electronic pop music playing]
[music fades]
[poignant music playing]
[wistful music playing]
[ethereal music playing]
[poignant music playing]
[music turns hopeful]
[music fades]