Wah-Wah (2005) Movie Script

( music playing )
( chirping )
( car horn honks )
( both giggling )
Shh, shh.
( soft panting )
You've got three minutes.
Don't run.
Where's your father?
Cat got your tongue?
What's the matter with you?
( sighs )
Regina, no lunch, thank you.
We're eating
at Belmont House.
Thank you, madam.
You scrubbed up
well, Popeye.
Don't call me that, Dad.
- Especially not in public.
- Of course I won't.
- Popeye.
- Dad!
Ask your father
for the car keys.
They're in
her handbag.
Might just make an effort,
just this once,
on this one occasion?
I suppose that would be
asking just a little too much,
wouldn't it?
Take the notice.
Let's go, Popeye.
- ( speaks Swati )
- Dozen.
- Sawubona, Dozen.
- Sawubona, Mr. Compton.
( speaks Swati )
( speaks Swati )
( car honks )
May I open
my window, please?
My hair
will get ruined.
To our trusty
and well-beloved
Harry Giles Compton,
for 22 years of exemplary
service for education
here in Swaziland.
This tenth
day of June, 1969,
in the 18th year
of our reign,
by the sovereign's command,
Elizabeth II!
- Well done, Dad.
- Thank you, young man.
- Well done, old bean.
- Thank you, Charles.
- Congratulations, lumpkin.
- Hear, hear.
- Welcome to the club.
- Oh, thank you.
- You're looking
ravishing, June.
- Oh, stop it.
- Am I really?
- Oh, yes, you are.
Why, Gwennie,
I didn't see you there.
Oh, don't mind me.
Huge congratulations, Harry.
- Thank you, Gwennie.
- So proud of you.
Congratulations, Harry.
You've got some
bloody front, Traherne.
- You must be ever so--
- Harry: Bugger off.
Would anybody
like a cigarette?
Thank you, Gwennie.
Is it some new game?
( June chuckles )
Am I missing something?
What's up?
Why don't you ask him?
Nine months.
Nine months,
now speaks.
Go on.
I dare you.
Just once, break
your epic bloody sulk.
Answer me this.
Where were you last night?
We all left the club
at the same time.
Another flat tire?
You think
he doesn't know?
Regina, you can remove
all these silly cards now,
thank you.
( speaks Swati )
Yes, sir.
How dare you contradict me
in front of a servant.
The sphinx has spoken.
What's a gong, Dad?
That stupid piece
of metal bird shit
they gave your father today.
Take no notice.
Ask your mother
to pass the salt.
Why is Daddy's
medal stupid?
Because all those idiots
dressed up like bloody
vanilla ice creams
think that
it's a suitable reward
for enduring
a lifetime of boredom
out here in this...
middle of bloody nowhere,
that's why!
If anyone deserves a medal,
it's me.
I need another drink.
Oh, I bet you do.
You're pathetic.
Always have been,
always will be.
Well, why is this house
stuffed to the gunnels
with cards and telegrams?
Toadying arselickers,
the lot of them!
Not for anybody.
( scraping )
( whispering )
Wake up, darling.
This is the hardest thing
I've ever had to say,
and there is no
easy way to say this,
but, my darling,
Mummy's leaving.
How do you mean?
You won't have
to go to school today.
It's just that I--
I can't carry on
anymore like this.
But I love you
very, very much,
- my angel, bye.
- Please don't go.
- I beg of you!
- I must.
Then take me with you.
I can't.
I'll call.
( car engine starting )
( inhales )
When's she coming back?
I don't know, Popeye.
A long time
or a little time?
Maybe long time.
Maybe never?
Doesn't she love me
Of course she does.
Then how can she leave?
( speaks Swati )
( speaking Swati )
- ( speaks Swati )
- She's very well, thank you.
( speaks Swati )
This is Mr. Compton.
( speaks Swati )
Morning, sir.
Good morning, class.
You may sit down, thank you.
( Teacher speaks Swati )
( children laugh )
- ( speaks Swati )
- ( children laugh )
All right, let's see.
- Muscle.
- Very good.
- Finger.
- Excellent.
- Very difficult one. Yes?
- Boy: Ear.
I'm begging you.
Begging you,
Lauren, please.
Just give me a chance.
Is that too much
to bloody ask?
It's over.
I'm never coming back.
Where's Ralph?
He's, uh, right here.
You ask her, Popeye.
Are you there already?
Just got here, darling.
When are you
coming home?
I can't.
Not for a while.
But I'll eat
all my vegetables.
- I can't.
- I promise.
Please, Mummy.
I beg of you.
Lauren: It'll be much
better once you've settled
at boarding school.
I love you,
and I have to go.
Bye-bye, Ralphie.
( Harry sobbing )
Thank You, Lord,
for the love you give.
Thank You, Lord,
for the life we live.
Please make my mummy
come back again,
and fix
our broken family.
( glass breaking )
Please, wake up.
Dad! Please don't
be dead!
( grunts )
Oh, God.
Don't worry, Dad.
Don't worry.
It'll be all right.
It'll be all right.
It'll be all right, Dad.
It'll be all right.
( children laughing )
Good morning, class.
Good morning, Mr. Parker.
Mr. Parker.
Stand up.
Yes, you two.
Read it out
loud and clear.
Chop, chop, Compton.
We're all waiting.
Well, speak up.
We haven't got all day.
"W-where's your mum?"
Nothing, sir.
His mother's
adulterated, sir.
Bugger you!
( children laughing )
Come back in here,
young boy!
Be quiet!
Bugger you.
No, bugger you.
Bugger you both!
Can I come in?
Oh, this is marvelous.
Absolutely marvelous.
How did you make it?
Just out of an old shoebox
and lollipop sticks.
Oh, well, it's very,
very clever.
Show me how it works.
What happened at
school today, Popeye?
I'm not cross,
I just want to know,
that's all.
Well, Mummy
ran away, too.
That's different.
She fell out of love
with me.
Why did she leave me?
One day you'll understand.
- When you're older.
- But you don't understand,
and you are older.
( chuckles )
That is very true,
smarty pants.
Haloo, all!
Why does she
have to come round
all the time?
Auntie Gwen's
very upset.
Mommy went away
with her husband
and we're going
to be very nice to her.
All right?
Anybody in?
- Surprise!
- ( screams )
( laughs )
You gave me the fright
of my life, you two did.
Come here and give your
Auntie Gwen a nice big kiss.
- Hello, Gwennie.
- Oh, Harry.
- Would you like a drink?
- Oh, bless you, my angel.
I could murder
something soft,
with maybe
just a teensy weensy
little squidge of whiskey.
- How are you, Harry?
- Well, you know, Gwennie.
Bearing up,
bearing up.
And, um-- and you?
Oh, don't ask.
Don't ask.
I've cooked you boys
a homemade curry.
Oh, you shouldn't
have worried, Gwennie.
You shouldn't have.
It was a pleasure.
Oh, thanks, angel,
just what the doctor ordered.
- Cheers, boys.
- Cheers, Gwen.
- This is not too stiff
for you, is it?
- No.
How's your sunstroke,
Auntie Gwen?
I beg yours?
Mummy said
you had sunstroke.
She said it made
you speak slurry and
walk all wobbly.
- Is she back, then?
- Of course she isn't.
He's just pulling your leg,
aren't you, Popeye?
No, relax, Gwen.
- Evening, chaps.
- Ah, June!
Don't get up.
- Hello, Gwennie.
- Hi, June.
Oh, I spy
with my little eye
someone who's
beaten me to it.
One of your curries?
Family allergies
to all things curried
after India,
I'm afraid.
Can't stomach the stuff.
Where's your husband?
Not him, too.
What, gone?
Can't keep up.
( sighs ) Yes,
I'm afraid so, June.
- Oh, you poor thing.
Have a hankie.
- Thank you.
Lauren's not skedaddled back
yet, has she, Ralphie?
Well, at least
I got that right.
Now, I've baked
you chaps a Dundee.
Can't stay.
- Must trot.
- That's so sweet of you.
Ta ta.
I'll kill that bitch!
( whinnies )
( laughs )
( all laughing )
Oh, Harry Compton.
I love you.
I do, you know.
I really do.
I've come
to say good night.
Come and give
your Auntie Gwen
a goodnight k--
- Are you all right,
old girl?
- Yeah, yeah, I'm fine.
- You're not my aunt.
- Steady on, Ralphie.
What's gotten
into you, old boy?
Ralphie! Come here.
- Oh...
- Leave me alone!
I know
this is hard, Popeye,
but Gwen's on our side,
Only 'cause she's
in love with you.
- Don't be daft.
- It's true.
Mummy stole her husband
and now she wants you.
It's obvious.
And Auntie June
is after you, too.
We're all just a little upset,
that's all.
Then why
are you laughing?
Because I am not going
to get remarried.
God, your breath stinks.
Enough back chat from you,
young man, now go to sleep.
Good night.
- Gwen: Morning!
- Oh, morning, Gwennie.
Good morning, all.
Forgoten all your manners?
Regina, could you
bring an extra cup
and plate for Mrs. Traherne?
Thank you.
Tea, Gwennie?
Oh, lovely.
I'm sorry about
last night, Ralphie.
It was a touch
of my sunstroke.
What did I tell you?
I slept on the couch,
you know.
Does Madame
eat the kipper?
Oh, yes.
Might be better if I did
go to boarding school,
- like Mummy wanted.
- Done.
I didn't mean that,
You can't go.
I'd be all alone.
Doesn't look like it.
( train whistle blows )
I won't ever
let you down, Popeye.
I'll miss you
so much.
All right, go.
Go on.
( train chugging )
- ( train whistle blows )
- ( applause )
- Popeye...
- What happened?
I'm so sorry I'm late.
I'm so sorry that I'm late.
Do you--
flat tire.
- How old are you?
- Can't remember.
( laughs )
Neither can I.
You look different.
Yes, I'm, uh...
I've got remarried.
You what?
- Who? Auntie Gwen?
- No, you daft fool.
She's American.
- How long have you
known her?
- Six weeks.
When two lovers
meet in Mayfair
So the legends tell
Songbirds sing
Winter turns to spring
Every winding street
in Mayfair...
( speaking Swati )
You're a very
big boy now.
Hello, Regina.
I know such
enchantment can be
'Cause it happened,
one evening...
Hi, Ralph.
I'm Ruby.
Hi, honey.
Oh, yeah?
And I'm Neil Armstrong.
You are funny.
Oh, God, look at you,
You are so handsome, too.
Fix me a drink,
please, hon?
- How do you do?
- Just fabulously.
I've heard so much
about you already.
I was getting
worried about you guys.
What happened, honey?
- Harry: Flat tire, darling.
- Really, again? Oh, God.
You must be starving.
First thing I'm gonna do
is feed you guys up a little.
You eat pasta?
- What happened here?
- You like it?
- Here we go, darling.
- I just love it.
- Bottoms up.
- Isn't she just gorgeous?
Excuse me, please.
You go right ahead.
Everything okay?
You got a gift
to welcome you home.
- You wanna open it?
- Thank you.
I'd rather not
just yet, thanks.
Take your time.
Oh, don't worry,
this is weird for me, too,
and please,
don't call me Mom.
Just Ruby, okay?
Or Rube, whatever.
All right, Popeye?
( inhales )
Listen, um...
I'm sorry you've chosen
to take it this way, Popeye.
Didn't have any choice,
did I?
But what was I
supposed to have done?
You could've
warned me.
Ruby's wonderful.
You'll see.
Just give it time.
You mean like you did?
- Nothing.
- No, no.
You said something.
Spit it out.
She's not my mum.
- Man: Yes, go!
- ( crowd applauds )
When's your mum
coming down?
What do you think?
- It's been two years.
- Bloody hell.
I say. The sort of people
who go caravanning.
Can you imagine?
Sleeping on four wheels
by choice?
I ask you.
Go get 'em, Harry.
Harry said
I'd be bored stiff
but I love it.
- Hey, hi.
- I beg your pardon?
- Granted.
- Lady Hardwick
is the wife
of our resident
high commissioner,
Sir Gifford.
Oh, good for you, girl.
Lady Hardwick to you.
And who might you be?
Gwen Traherne.
My hus--
my ex-husband's
the engineer.
We have met.
Four times.
- Oh, I don't think so.
- Oh, come on, girls, relax.
I'm an American.
How very
hubbly-jubbly for you.
Excuse me.
What's with her?
That's our family done for.
- Bollocks.
- You watch.
What am I doing, Gwen?
( whispering )
-( whispering )
- What?
( whispering )
What did I tell you?
You're kidding me.
I'm being sent home.
You guys want a ride?
Toodle pip.
Oh, damn that damnable--
Go, Ruby!
Lady Riva's upset?
What about poor Gwen?
She simply introduced me
to the old woman.
She's not a woman,
she's a lady.
Oh, not by my reckoning,
she's not.
- What was Gwen's crime?
- She spoke to Lady Hardwick
before waiting
to be spoken to.
- Just not done.
- Oh, come on, Charles.
I've been to college.
I've flown around the globe
a couple of times.
You're telling me
I have to hold my tongue
till Old Lady Doo-Dah
chooses to speak to me?
Come on.
- For the sake of peace--
- The only peace I'll
give that old witch
- is a piece of--
- Children present.
- She was rude.
- See? They were
my witnesses.
Right, well.
By the way, Harry,
we just had confirmation
that You Know Who will
be here for the independence
handover brouhaha.
Who, who, who, who?
Who is You Know Who?
Hush-hush, I'm afraid.
I'll let myself out,
thank you.
Toodle pip, all.
Toodle pip, Charles.
Toodle pip.
"Toodle pip"?
"Toodle pip" and
Why do they all speak
in this snooty baby talk
all the time?
- ( boys laughing )
- Blah, blah, this.
ta-da, that.
ding dong.
Sounds like a load
of old wah-wah.
Wah, wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah, wah, wah.
( laughing )
( both yelling "wah wah!" )
All: Ta-da!
How very hubbly-jubbly.
It's all just
wah wah to me.
( applause )
She's all right,
isn't she?
Maybe not.
Happiest I've ever
seen your old man.
Still feels weird,
Vernon, your mom
wants you home.
Oh, thanks,
Mrs. Compton.
Call me Ruby.
All right.
Cheers, Ruby.
- See you, mate.
- Glad you didn't throw
those puppets away, huh?
- I'm sorry.
- No problem.
Can you remember
the first time you did it?
Did what?
- I've stopped.
- Go on.
I dare you.
Just once.
Come on.
- Bah.
- Argh.
( both growling )
( growling loudly )
I'd say they're
all out now,
wouldn't you?
( both singing fanfare )
Here comes the porcupines!
I've had the most
incredible idea.
We might gift
the Swazi nation
with a diddly-doos-op
swan song of our own.
- Ooh!
- Plain English,
please Charles.
I prepare we mount
a farewell musical
for her most
royal highness.
What do you have
in mind, Charles?
- "Camelot"!
- ( all exclaiming )
- All those in favor
say "aye!"
- All: Aye!
Can I be in it?
Which royal highness?
I'm afraid that's still
hush-hush, Gwennie.
The good news is,
Tobias has agreed
to produce the show
once we get
the tra-la-la from HQ.
On condition we can
find singers.
Oh, Tobias.
Of course we can!
Dozen sings
like a dream.
( speaks Swati )
I'm afraid it's
for club members only.
Great, we'll all
propose him, then.
Hear, hear.
I take it, then,
I have your support?
( all cheering )
Hang on.
You want to mount
a medieval musical
for a minor British royal?
Aren't we supposed
to be celebrating
African independence here?
It's a symbolic gesture.
What do you think,
Dr. Zim?
Oh, excellent idea.
A perfect antidote
for Princess Margaret
before she endures a whole day
of Swazi tribal dancing.
Princess Margaret!
Who told you it was
Princess Margaret?
You did, Charles.
( laughter )
- ( bell ringing )
- ( Regina speaks Swati )
The other Mrs. Compton
is here.
Don't wish to intrude.
- Charles.
- Charles: Hello.
Sorry I'm late, Ralph.
Excuse me, please.
Where's my husband?
- Come on.
- Mum?
Where's my husband?!
- What are you doing here?
- I had no choice!
I've been stuck in
a meeting all morning
with Shetler and Shetler
trying to sort out
my visiting rights.
- Where's my husband?
- But I thought you were
coming down next weekend.
Is that
what he told you?
- Damn liar.
- Answer me!
Oh, shut up,
keep out of this!
- Where is he?
- I've warned you.
( thumping on car roof )
- I saw you, Mum.
- ( thumping continues )
I beg your pardon?
Two years ago
with Uncle John.
- Gwen: Answer me!
- That night, in the car
with him.
Where's my husband?
You're imagining things,
I can explain!
( car honking )
- Ralphie,
are you all right?
- Hang on.
Shetler and Shetler.
"Our client has
experienced frustration
and delay,
and the deliberate placing
of obstacles in the way
of exercising her rights
of reasonable access
to her child.
Your client has willfully
misinterpreted previous
I'm so sorry,
my boy.
Why did Lauren choose
to show up today?
Don't think even for one moment
that I don't understand--
- So what day is it today?
- It's Saturday, sweetie.
Oh, then
it'll be the hen
with its arse in the air.
No thanks, sweetie,
I'm not hungry.
Hey, honey, please.
Yeah, why do we always
have chicken on Saturday
and beef on Sunday--
- Regina can't read.
- So Dolly Boy's mother here
taught her to do a different
meal for each day of the week.
Got it?
- Comprende?
- Then I'll teach her
to read.
The bloody hell
you will.
- What's wrong with you, Dad?
- Nothing wrong with me,
sonny boy.
What is that
supposed to mean?
Listen to yourself.
Look at yourself.
You're nothing but a bloody
common ex-air hostess.
- Fuck you, Harry!
- ( rings bell )
Ah, quelle surprise!
Hen with
its arse in the air.
- Sit down.
- You knew Mum was
coming down to see me,
so why didn't
you bloody tell me?
- Shut up.
- No, you shut up.
Where do you think
you're going?
Hey! Hey, hey, hey!
Shut up.
Shut up, shut up, shut up.
( Harry repeating
"shut up" )
- What happened?
- Nothing.
Well, what then?
Doesn't matter.
Where's Uncle John?
Playing golf.
So what do you want
to do today?
Don't know.
Maybe drop me off
at the club later.
All right.
That's all?
Hello, mate.
What are you doing here?
- Don't ask.
- Here, have a gander
at this lot.
They can't sing, can't dance,
all of them too old.
But we're not.
Come on.
- No chance.
- Come on, you great gimbo.
- ( woman vocalizing )
- No, no, no.
No, she won't do, Tobias.
We can't have a royal
played by a commoner
with no neck.
At least she can sing,
Lady H.
- Who's she?
- Monica, Taj
Mahal's daughter.
How can she be?
They look like
different species!
Shh! I say!
Do you mind?
We're trying
to take notes here.
Right. Which of you
little buggers
is gonna bleat
for us first, hmm?
- Go on.
- Lady Hardwick:
Not the one in stripes.
Go on, my boy.
Come on, Ralph,
hurry up.
Bunny will give you
the intro.
( piano music playing )
All things
bright and beautiful
All creatures
great and small
All things
wise and wonderful
The Lord God
made them all
Each little flower
that opens
Each little bird
that sings
He made
their glowing colors
He made
their tiny wings
All things
bright and beautiful
All creatures
great and small
All things
wise and wonderful
The Lord God
made them all.
- Well done.
- Very good. Very good.
- Did my audition.
- Fabulous.
You get the part?
Have to wait and see.
Over my dead
bloody body.
Where's the key?
- Cat got your tongue?
- Haven't you had enough
already, honey?
Stop trying to control me
all the time, woman.
Where's the bloody key?
Please, Dad.
I'm asking really nicely.
- Give me the bloody key!
- Please, Dad!
Don't have anymore.
You stay out of this.
Get me some ice.
Honey, let's have
an early night.
- Are you deaf?
- Oh, just stop it, will you?
- Stop it!
- Ralph: Please, Dad, don't.
Please don't, Dad!
I suppose you think
this is all so bloody easy.
Well, wake up.
Just you wait
until you lose everything,
and I mean everything.
Wife, position, future.
The whole damn
kit and kaboodle.
Come independence,
we're all on the scrap heap!
- So wake up.
- Ralph: Spare us
the martyrdom, Dad.
You're drunk.
I've had enough of you,
you pompous little shit,
and you can forget about
your fucking "Camelot."
And you're a liar!
And a loser!
I'll knock your bloody
block off!
- Liar! Liar! Liar!
- Stop it! Stop it!
( glass breaking )
Open this door!
Open this bloody door!
Open this door!
I'll knock
your bloody block off!
Open this door!
Open this bloody door!
Nothing that I...
said or did
last night...
was the truth.
None of it.
Is that clear?
That's what you
always say, Dad.
It'll be different
this time.
Is it because of me?
- Me?
- No.
I must go.
I'm late for work.
Did you mean what
you said about "Camelot"?
Of course not, no.
I can't deal with this.
I knew he drank, but...
doesn't everyone out here?
Not like him.
He gets real legless
when no one else is
around except us.
Onward Christian soldiers
Marching as to war
With the cross of Jesus
Going on before...
Ha, ha, ha!
- Christ
the royal master...
- Bravo!
Charles, Charles!
( all talking excitedly )
Who is this Dozen person?
- Our gardener.
- What?
A., he's not
a club member,
and B., Lancelot is
supposed to be French.
- French?
- This is an outrage.
A., Dozen is a club member
as of today,
and B., he is the only man
who can reach the top notes
and stay in tune.
You will not have
the last word on this,
Tobias Brown.
That is my prerogative.
Chop chop.
I can't believe
I'm playing the queen
and you're playing Mordred!
- Thank you.
- Well done, Ralphie.
I think I'm
in love, Vern!
You haven't got
a chance, matey!
- Watch me!
- Yeah!
I got the part!
I got the part!
Oh, fabulous!
I knew you would!
And Dozen, Dozen's
going to be Lancelot.
Oh, my God, that'll
teach the old bat!
Too right!
Who sanctioned Dozen
to audition?
Ooh, hush-hush,
I'm afraid, Charles.
- Drink?
- That's not funny!
I don't think you realize
just what you've done.
Lady Hardwick is throttling
for your blood right now.
Does Harry know
about all this?
Know about what?
It's, uh, hush-hush,
I'm afraid, honey.
Oh, hush-hush.
Atta girl,
you're catching on.
And whose side
are you on, Harry?
Okay, toodley
pip pip pip pip pip,
- I got the part, Dad.
- Oh, congratulations,
Well done,
well done.
Can I stay over
at Vern's tonight?
It's just that
we've got rehearsals
and he lives closer
to the club.
So long as your mom
doesn't mind.
- She's groovy.
- I'll grab my bag.
Look and learn.
Evening, Mrs. Malaga.
Has, um, anyone
ever told you
who you're
the spitting image of?
No, love, who?
Elizabeth Taylor.
Scout's honor.
Look, I know it's an 18,
but we're studying
the book at school,
and wondered if you could
make an academic exception
just this once?
These are on the house, love.
But not a word to anyone.
( music playing )
Shameless, you are.
Got us in, didn't it?
That's disgusting.
Where's Charlie's wife?
On leave in England.
- How we gonna get out?
- Crawl, just before the end.
- See ya, Liz!
- Thanks, Liz.
"P" is for "pot."
Hey, Ralph, come here.
We'll do some
more later, Regina.
Thank you, ma'am.
Where were you
last night?
You know where.
Singing rehearsals.
Oh, singing
rehearsals, huh?
- Who was there?
- Oh, you know,
the usual bunch.
- What did you sing?
- Songs from the show.
Don't lie to me, Ralph,
I know where you were.
Sit down.
What's eating you?
Dad drunk again last night?
Answer my question,
and don't be rude.
What's it got to do
with you, anyway?
You're not
my real mother.
Oh, oh, oh,
I've been waiting
for that one.
- Someone saw you, Ralph.
- So?
- So it's illegal.
- So what?
You think an X flick
compares with anything
that goes on in this house?
I don't give a damn
about the rating.
I just won't stand
being lied to.
We all lie.
Everyone's bonking
everyone round here.
but just because they're
not divorced we pretend
it's not happening.
Like we pretend Dad's
not a total drunk!
What would
you know anyway?
You're nothing
but a common little
air hostess.
What's going on?
You deal with this.
- She hit me.
- For which I'm sure
she's very sorry.
Ralph, may I remind you
that Ruby is not the enemy?
She cares a great deal
about you.
You can talk.
You were the one
who called her common.
- I did nothing of the sort!
- Yes, you did!
You were drunk.
Ask her.
That's it.
You're grounded.
Go to your room.
You can't stay.
You have to scarper.
I can't.
Let me in.
Vernon! Are you
still in there?
No, this is a recording.
No, this is a recording.
Since when
did you smoke?
Since forever.
Do you want
some or not?
I'll fall off my bike.
Suit yourself.
- ( coughs )
- ( Vernon laughs )
What'll happen now?
Only everything.
Hey, Ralph,
kiss it back.
And what are you two
doing here?
What does it
look like, Charlie?
That's Uncle Charles to you,
thank you very much.
And I'm not a Charlie.
You could've
fooled me.
You're not
my uncle, either.
Stop laughing.
Aren't you both grounded?
So it was you
who grassed on us.
'Course it was.
Your pornographic behavior
is a direct consequence
of seeing that filth.
You ought to be ashamed
of yourselves.
Not half as ashamed
as we were of you.
I beg your pardon?
- We saw you there.
- With, uh, what's her name?
January, February
- March
- April, May...
So what?
So, you're a married
man, Charlie,
snogging another man's
wife, that's what.
You want seeing to,
you two.
- Oh, don't beat us, sir!
- We're underage!
Three, four, and five.
You're late, late,
late, late, late!
Too late!
- Sorry, Tobias.
- Tobias: Not good enough!
We can hardly inform
her royal highness
that Mordred has forgotten
his song and dance
because he's too late,
now, can we?
Told you we shouldn't
have cast him.
Please, Riva!
Both of you!
I've already told them.
Now skedaddle!
And I expect you
to be word perfect
and punctual next time!
( whispering, laughing )
- Tobias: Dance!
- All right.
- Ready, Gwen?
- Yes, yes.
Lovely long neck.
And one, and two.
Where the bloody hell
do you think that you've
been gallivanting to?
Or have you forgotten
that you've been grounded
until further notice?
- At rehearsals.
- Rehearsals, my arse.
You haven't even had
the decency to apologize,
have you?
Prancing around like
a pansy-fied little ponce.
- Drop it, Harry.
It doesn't matter.
- Oh, yes, it does.
Who the hell
do you think you are,
Margot fucking Fonteyn?
No, your fucking son.
- Stop it, both of you.
- You stay out of this.
This is between
me and him.
I don't care
about an apology.
Don't you ever
use that language
in front of me again,
young man.
- That understood?
- Yes, sir!
Loud and fucking clearly.
And you're drunk,
just for a change.
Oh, what the hell
is wrong with you?
You stay right here.
No, you stay
where you fucking are.
I'm out of here.
Come back here.
I'm talking to you.
Wah, wah, wah, wah,
wah, wah, wah, wah, wah...
Mark my words.
This time I'll knock
your bloody block off!
Stay where you are.
Ruby, open this door.
( Ruby and Harry
arguing indistinctly )
( breathing heavily )
And what do you think
you're doing?
( gunshot )
( gunshot )
( gunshot )
Stay where you are!
Fucking fairy.
Not so bloody smart now,
are you?
Go on.
Do it.
- ( gunshot )
- ( woman screams )
Go on.
( gunshot )
Ralph? Ralph!
Come on, please,
Ralphie, get in.
Come on,
please, Ralphie.
He is desperate
to talk to you.
- I'm scared of him.
- Oh, don't be scared.
Come on, get in.
That monster
isn't really him,
you know that.
- Then why do you stay?
- I love him.
I love him.
I love your dad
with every fiber
of my being.
I love him.
I can't help it.
And I know you do, too.
Why does he do this to us?
Honestly, you know,
I don't think he can
help himself.
But I can.
I'm getting out of here
the day I finish school.
That may be, Ralphie,
but you never really
get away, you know?
It's called family.
Maybe not.
It's just weird
that every time my mother
makes any kind of contact,
he goes ballistic.
( scoffs )
Ruby told me
what happened.
I don't remember
a bloody thing.
I'm so terribly
sorry, Popeye.
I'm begging you
for one last chance.
Please, Popeye.
What do you say?
Nothing to say.
Please, Popeye.
Come in.
how can I help you?
I don't know
how to say this.
Don't you worry.
There isn't much
I haven't seen
or heard in here.
I think--
I think my dad's
an alcoholic.
Look, most of us
have a bit of a tipple
from time to time.
- How much is a tipple?
- Varies.
- A bottle?
- How about a bottle
of scotch per day?
I had no idea.
He tried to shoot me.
When did this start?
The night
my mother left.
- Can you help me?
- Of course I will,
but no one else
must know about this.
He's too highly respected
and loved in this country
for anyone else
to find out.
Thank you.
( knocking )
I'm here, my boy.
Don't get up.
- Where's Dad?
- Ralphie,
he's at the hospital.
Don't panic.
He's had to see Dr. Zim
about something or other.
What's the matter?
Ralphie, I'm sorry
to have to say this...
but Ruby's leaving.
What do you mean?
Well, she's staying
with me at the moment
till she gets herself
sorted out,
but she's asked me
to tell you
because she's just
too upset to see you
herself at the moment.
I've just come
to collect the rest
of her things.
- This is all my fault.
- Not at all.
Now, it's nothing
to do with you.
Come here.
Oh, my angel boy.
Doctor Zim has prescribed
these anti-booze pills
which will make me
sick as a dog if I
so much as touch a drop.
How'd he find out?
Suppose Ruby must have
told him before she left.
What are we
going to do, Dad?
I don't know.
Your mother has asked me
for a second chance.
But you're married
to Ruby.
Yes, I know, Popeye,
but um... it doesn't look
as if she'll be coming back.
She says
the situation is too...
So for once I think
your mother may be right.
And I don't want to stand
in the way of that possibility.
But only if you agree,
of course.
What am I supposed
to say?
If that's what you want.
Where is she?
I've missed you so much.
You've really done
a remarkable job.
- This looks wonderful.
- Thank you.
Whose idea was all this?
- Ruby's.
- Oh.
But everyone
helped out.
Do you still use
the puppets I gave you?
Of course.
You must do me
a show sometime.
I'll look forward to that.
This looks lovely.
You did all this?
Thank you.
( rings bell )
Thank you, Regina.
Uh, what have we here?
- Regina: Spaghetti, madam.
- Ah.
I'm learning to read.
Could you ask your mother
to pass the salt, please?
Don't move.
( music playing )
Stay as sweet
as you are
Don't let a thing
Ever change you
Stay as sweet
as you are
Don't let a soul
Rearrange you
Don't ever lose
All the charm
you possess
Your loveliness
Darling, the way
You say yes
Stay as sweet
as you are
Discreet as you are
You're divine, dear
Stay as grand
as you are
And as you are
Tell me
that you're mine, dear...
I spy with
my little eye.
Hello, Ralphie.
Auntie June.
Morning, ma'am.
Haven't seen you
at rehearsals lately.
I've had to miss a few.
Where's the American?
Good morning, ladies.
Ralphie, you must come
riding sometime.
Hmm, well,
I'd like to,
thank you.
- Toodle pip.
- Ta-ta.
I'm not invisible,
you know.
No, you're a divorce,
which is far worse.
Excuse me.
We're leaving.
How dare they?
How dare they blank me?
And then judge me.
None of them's
got a monogamous bone
in their bodies.
I mean, what was I
supposed to have done?
I honestly thought
that giving your
father custody
was the kindest option.
You'd be at home.
You'd have your friends.
Now I'm being vilified,
like some-- some--
some scarlet woman.
Oh, my God,
I've been a damn fool
to think I could ever
come back into here
and do battle with
that coven of bitches!
What did Uncle John
have that Dad didn't?
He says what he means,
unlike every
damned Englishman.
He hasn't an ironic
or effete bone in his body.
Is he going back
to Auntie Gwen, then?
Don't be daft.
He's been transferred
to Peru.
Please don't look at me!
Come back!
Please come back!
So that's why
she asked to come back.
- Where is she?
- Who cares?
( car horn honking )
Harry, oh.
- I've lost Ralph.
- You most certainly have.
What do you mean?
Why don't you tell me?
Oh, come on, Harry,
don't play games.
Is he here?
- Where is he?
- Why don't you try Peru?
- I see.
- Oh, do you?
Pity I didn't.
I think it best
that you leave.
Don't be ridiculous.
God, you've changed
your tune, haven't you?
Wasn't that long ago
you were begging me
to stay.
Just leave.
I need to speak
to Ralph.
He doesn't want
to see you.
Don't be stupid,
I'm his mother!
( thumping on door )
Let me in!
Regina, let me in.
Harry! Let me in!
( thumping on door )
How many friends
do you have?
My father claimed
that if you had five
true friends in your life
you were a rich man.
Who do you truly love?
You make it
sound so easy, Popeye.
It is easy, Dad.
Just call her.
Who do you think?
( car horn honks )
- I'm so sorry.
- Me, too.
And uh, yes,
I was an air hostess.
Oh, yeah, just long enough
to learn how to deal with
very difficult passengers.
I hate to intrude, folks,
but we do need Mordred
back in rehearsals.
Up to Ralph, right?
- You sure?
- Damn sure.
Well, come on, then.
Can we take the car?
( honking )
I'd like to apologize
for calling you by your
first name, Uncle Charles.
Gratefully accepted.
When you turn 16,
I shall invite you
to drop the "uncle."
Thank you, sir.
That is it!
We simply cannot wait
any longer, June.
Lancelot will have
to walk on instead.
Don't shout!
You'll scare him.
- ( horse farting, defecating )
- That is it!
- Out now.
- Lady Riva: I warned you
about that horse, Tobias.
Excuse me, Lady Riva.
I shall repair to the bar
for approximately 17 minutes.
- Do I make myself clear?
- Well, I say.
I can't work like this!
It's gonna be so
bad it'll be brilliant.
I heard that.
Right you lot.
Let's take it from the top.
- Bunny, can we have our note?
- ( piano note sounds )
One, two, three, four.
I know it sounds
a bit bizarre
But in Camelot
That's how
conditions are...
Guys, how were rehearsals?
- Brilliant.
- Tobias threw a fit.
- What else is new?
- Where's Dad?
- He didn't pick you up?
- We came back on my bike.
Maybe he had
a flat tire.
Okay, I'll go
call the club.
- Vernon:
I'd better get going.
- Ruby: Thanks, Vern.
- See you, mate.
- See you.
He's not there.
He also refused to take
his pill this morning.
I know I should have made him
swallow the damn thing.
( car approaching )
- Just act normal, okay?
- Okay.
No matter what, okay?
Ah, the welcoming committee!
Perfect timing.
Don't you want to know
where I've been?
Where have you been?
To a post-independence
educational strategy
and budgeting meeting,
if you really want to know.
Translation, please?
They've asked me
to stay on.
Honorary advisor.
Full salary, full perks.
All post independence.
What do you think of that?
- You bastard!
- Ah-ah, language.
How could you
do that to us?
And you thought I was back
on the old you-know-what.
Oh, you bastard!
This is fabulous
news, honey.
Oh, my God, oh, my God,
oh, my God, oh, my God!
My mother wants to know
which night you've booked
to see "Camelot."
First night.
She can go see any
of the others.
- You sure?
- Absolutely.
I am so proud of you.
( indistinct singing )
Can you help me
with these buttons?
Hurry up,
you're nearly on.
- I can't wait.
- Let me help you.
You jammy bastard.
How'd you do it?
Charisma, my man.
...as if your lives
depend on it!
Let's see you all
curtsy deeply
as her most royal highness
parades past you.
Yes, Uncle Charles.
It's going
to be a triumph!
A T-R-I-U-M-P-H,
( laughs )
It's like "National
Geographic," only better!
Countdown, my man!
Do you know where
you're going next year?
only bloody Bahrain.
- Where's that?
- Exactly!
( singing in
native language )
Come on, we can't
be late, Dad.
Come in, come in,
come in. Ruby?
Yeah, yeah, yeah, relax.
I'm coming.
Dad, I have
a big favor to ask.
Ask away, Popeye.
Promise me you won't...
you know what.
- Thank you.
- Had to be done.
He knows it wasn't me
called Dr. Zim.
That was very brave
of you, Popeye.
Now there's something
you can do for me. Here.
- Oh, I can't, Dad.
- No such thing
as "can't."
Only one thing we want.
I know, Popeye.
I promise you I won't
let you down.
By the way,
good luck tonight.
How do I look?
Only fit
to meet a princess.
Right answer.
Oh, God,
you look beautiful.
Oh, yeah.
- Oh, "yah."
- Come on.
Now concentrate,
And stay calm!
You're all going
to be magical!
Her royal highness
is on her way.
( all exclaiming excitedly )
- Let's see.
- Please don't,
Auntie Gwen.
No, come on, Ralphie.
Let's have a look.
Shit, shit,
shit, shit.
( all vocalizing )
Now it's all up to you.
Break a leg.
I'll be rooting for you...
- in the bar.
- Thank you, see you later.
Where-- where's Gwen?
Where is Gwen?
- Out for the count.
- Oh, my God!
Ralph, run to the bar
and fetch Tobias quickly!
Phillip, ice
and black coffee fast.
What the hell
are you doing here?
- Guinevere's a goner.
- Oh, God, no, not tonight.
Not tonight
of all nights!
- ( music playing )
- ( cheers, applause )
- For God's sake.
- Come on, Gwen.
Come on, girl!
Come on, Gwen.
Come on, girl!
Come on...
I told you
she was too common
to play a queen.
She's proved herself
to be common beyond
commonness incarnate.
- Shut up, Riva!
- ( burps )
Common I may be,
but you can't act,
you can't cook,
you can't even keep
his lordship's cock out of
everybody else's clumps!
- ( all gasp )
- Oh.
Ice bucket, quick!
- ( vomits )
- ( all exclaim )
- Get her on stage.
- That's better.
( overlapping chatter )
Impossible deeds
should be his daily fare
But where in the world
is there in the world
A man so extraordinaire
C'est moi, c'est moi,
I'm forced to admit
'Tis I, I humbly reply
That mortal who
these marvels can do
C'est moi, c'est moi,
'tis I...
- ( cheers, applause )
- Well done, Gwen!
It's a triumph,
a medieval triumph!
No, it's not,
it's a bloody disaster.
- I beg your pardon.
- What do you mean?
Her royal highness
has departed.
But how can she,
stay till the interval--
Claims she has
an upset stomach.
Probably the local water.
- Water, my arse!
- Tobias!
- Very, very upset.
- Oh, honestly?
( music playing onstage )
Now say it out
with love and joy.
- Camelot!
- Yes, Camelot, my boy
Where once it never rained
till after sundown
By 8:00 am,
the morning fog
had flown
Don't let it be forgot
That once
there was a spot
For one brief
shining moment
That was known
as Camelot.
Run boy!
( cheers, applause )
( all cheering )
Great, you were
just so great.
It was just so great.
- Well done, Ralphie.
- Very good, my boy.
( overlapping chatter )
Fancy the royal personage
leaving in the interval
like that.
- I know.
- Food poisoning, my arse.
- ( loud thump )
- ( all laugh )
And wait till she gets
a dose of tribal dancing.
( all laugh )
Oh, my darling.
My son did very well,
didn't he?
( chuckles )
Hi, I'm Ruby.
He was great.
Aren't you
going to Peru?
Come on, Ralphie.
I thought you were coming
tomorrow night, Mum.
I wouldn't have missed this
for the world!
You've got
the big pool party,
Just because you married my
husband faster than a sandwich
doesn't give you rights.
Don't ever try and turn
my son against me.
- You coming, superstar?
- I can't, Mum.
I'm really sorry.
I've come all this way
to see you.
Come on, mate.
Let's go.
You guys stay
as long as you'd like.
( all chanting
indistincintly )
( all yelling and cheering )
- Thank you for saving me.
- My pleasure.
Good-bye, Swazliland!
( to the tune
of "God Save the Queen")
We're all buggered
All busted
and bewildered
We've all got to get
our arses out of here!
They don't want us
to rule or to rumpus
They just want to
kick our arses out of here!
( cheering )
We're all buggered...
( all singing indistinctly )
( cheering )
( singing
in native language )
( overlapping chatter )
She's minute.
Isn't she just marvelous?
It's not quite
Cheltenham, is it?
I wish my mum was alive
to see me now!
( cheers, applause )
No more la-di-dah,
hoity toity, hooty snooty
wah wah anymore.
- Wasn't that just incredible?
- Harry: Incredible.
What do you think
this little piece of metal
is worth, Popeye?
A big pile of money?
Oh, no.
Just a lifetime, old boy.
My lifetime.
- You deserve it, Dad.
- Oh, bollocks.
- Ruby: We are
so proud of you.
- Bollocks.
God damn it.
Can't feel my--
can't feel my bloody arm.
Go and lie down, honey.
I'm gonna call Dr. Zim.
- Oh, there's--
- Come on.
No, no, no, no.
I'm fine, really.
Don't panic.
I'm fine, really.
Dr. Zim:
He won't be able to speak
for much longer.
Pressure on the brain
will be too great.
Therefore I propose
that we operate immediately,
try to remove the tumor,
buy him a little more time.
What are you saying,
Dr. Zim?
At best we're talking about
just another couple of months.
- To what?
- To what?
To live.
Uncle Charles:
So... we've decided
to join forces.
And what about your wife?
Bolted, I'm afraid.
Staying in Blighty.
And you'll never guess
where we're headed.
Isn't that something?
- Lady Riva: I wonder...
- Ralph: I'll get it.
who could tell me
exactly whereabouts--
She doesn't know.
I'm sorry, Lady H.,
but he's still asleep.
Terrible business.
One just has
to brace one's self.
Where's the American?
Whatever you have to say,
say it and say it fast.
Look, I shan't pretend
there's been any love lost
between us,
but I've come to apologize
as I won't be attending
the funeral.
Don't do them.
I'd hate you to think
I was snubbing it.
He's not dead yet.
Get out!
Man on radio:
...the director general
of the BBC.
They said they wanted
something different,
so I popped down
to a little agency in
the Charing Cross Road
that I'd heard of.
It was called Boner Performers.
Hello, anybody there?
Woman: Hello, I'm June
and this is my friend Sandy.
( audience applauds )
- We're uh, Boner Performers.
- Boner Performers, we are.
Oh, it's Mr. Horn!
Oh, how nice to bow
to your jolly old eek again.
Oh, what brings you
trollin' in here?
Mr. Horn:
Well, I've been asked
to organize
a cabaret for the BBC
on the 15th.
I was wondering
if you could fix me up.
Oh, yes, ducky.
( audience laughter )
Oh, no, no, we'd be glad
to fix you up any time.
- ( audience laughter )
- Oh, BBC, is it?
Well, you'll want something
a bit risque for that mob.
How about Queenie?
I think she is at liberty.
Mr. Horn:
Oh, what does Queenie do?
Oh, she does strip tease
with a difference.
Normally, she's
the bearded lady of...
Take my watch.
Thank you, Popeye.
I never stopped
loving your mother.
Shall we say farewell
to Mahlaganipani.
Five friends was
his measure of wealth.
Judging by
the numbers around me,
he was indeed
a very rich man.
( singing
in native language )
Toodle pip, sweetie.
I loved him so much.
I know, Gwennie.
I know.
( man reading )
( Lauren reading )
( music playing )
( music continues )