Wanda Sykes: Tongue Untied (2003) Movie Script
(SIREN SOUNDING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCERLADIES AND
GENTLEMEN,
WANDA SYKES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WANDA SYKESWHOA!
WANDA SYKESWHOA!
YEAH!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
HOW YOU DOING NEW YORK?!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD TO BE HERE.
GOOD TO BE HERE.
I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
GOT MY SPECIAL.
GOT A SHOW COMING OUT--
MY OWN SIT-COM COMING OUT.
AND I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT IT,
AND I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE IT'S AN IDEA THAI CAME UP WITH.
YOU KNOW, AND BEFORE YOU GET TO
YOU KNOW, AND BEFORE YOU GET TO
DO A SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO DO,
YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ALL THEY BAD
IDEAS.
IDEAS.
AND THEY HAD A LOT OF BAD IDEAS.
YOU KNOW, MY AGENT WOULD CALL
ME, AND SHE'S LIKE-- "WANDA, YOU
ME, AND SHE'S LIKE-- "WANDA, YOU
DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR THIS."
I'S LIKE, "NO, TELL ME,
WHAT IS IT?"
SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY A MAID.
THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY A MAID.
AND YOU WIN THE LOTTERY.
BUT YOU LOVE WORKING FOR THIS
BUT YOU LOVE WORKING FOR THIS
FAMILY SO MUCH...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YOU CONTINUE TO BE THEIR MAID."
I SAID, "SET IT UP.
I SAID, "SET IT UP.
I WANT TO MEET THESE PEOPLE.
SO I CAN SLAP THAT DUMB-ASS IDEA
SO I CAN SLAP THAT DUMB-ASS IDEA
RIGHT OUT THEY HEAD."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK PEOPLE
WANT TO WORK FOR YOU LIKE THAT.
WANT TO WORK FOR YOU LIKE THAT.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,
SOMEBODY WALKED IN HERE AND
TOLD ME I JUST WON THE LOTTERY,
I WOULD WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE
I WOULD WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS JOKE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I FLEW IN HERE FROM L.A.
RIGHT?
(APPLAUSE)
AND THAT RANDOM SCREENING THAAND THAT RANDOM SCREENING THATHEY SAY THEY DO AT THE AIRPORT?
THERE'S NOTHING RANDOM ABOUTHE RANDOM SCREENING AT ALL.
THE RANDOM SCREENING AT ALL.
I KNOW EVERY TIME I FLY,
I GET CHECKED TWICE.
THEY STOP ME AT SECURITY,
AND THEN THEY GET ME AGAIN
AND THEN THEY GET ME AGAIN
AT THE GATE.
THE LAST TIME WAS SO BAD,
THEY ACTUALLY MADE ME GO THROUGH
THE MACHINE WITH THE LUGGAGE.
I LIKE-- MAN, WHAT IN THE--
I LIKE-- MAN, WHAT IN THE--
(LAUGHTER)
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY.
THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY.
BEING ALL IRRADIATED.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, MAN?
THERE IS NOTHING RANDOM ABOUTHERE IS NOTHING RANDOM ABOUIT.
AND THEN, YOU GET TO THE GATE,
AND THEY STANDING THERE WITH A
SHERMAN WILLIAMS PAINT CHART.
SHERMAN WILLIAMS PAINT CHART.
IF YOUR ASS IS DARKER THAN
KHAKI, YOU GETTIN' SEARCHED.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SHOOT, I BEEN SEARCHED SO MUCH,
I SAID THE HELL WITH LUGGAGE.
I COULD JUST PUT ALL MY STUFF ON
I COULD JUST PUT ALL MY STUFF ON
A HANGAR.
THIS IS ALL I GOT, Y'ALL.
THAT'S IT.
Y'ALL SEE?
TWO...THREE PAIR OF DRAWERS.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND THEN ALSO, THE PEOPLE WHO
AND THEN ALSO, THE PEOPLE WHO
DOIN' THE SEARCHIN', THEY SOUND
LIKE THEY JUST GOT INTO THE
COUNTRY FOUR DAYS AGO.
COUNTRY FOUR DAYS AGO.
(LAUGHTER)
"OKAY, OKAY, MY FRIEND.
OKAY, I-- I NEED--
WHAT I NEED-- I THINK-- "
WHAT I NEED-- I THINK-- "
"NO, NO.
I NEED TO SEE YOUR ID."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHERE THE HELL YOU FROM?
SO, THE THING IS NOW,
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT DID
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT DID
THE PRESIDENT KNOW BEFORE 9/11?
WHAT DID BUSH KNOW ABOUT 9/11?
WHAT DID HE KNOW?
WHAT DID HE KNOW?
AND I'M LIKE; HE DIDN'T KNOW
A DAMN THING.
REMEMBER; HE DIDN'T GET SMARUNTIL AFTER 9/11.
UNTIL AFTER 9/11.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU CAN'T HOLD HIM RESPONSIBLE
YOU CAN'T HOLD HIM RESPONSIBLE
FOR STUFF THAT WAS GOING ON BACK
THEN.
HE WASN'T PAYIN' ATTENTION.
YOU KNOW, DURING THE BRIEFINGS
HE WAS PROBABLY BUSY COLORIN'
HE WAS PROBABLY BUSY COLORIN'
ON SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO.
YOU WANT TO LISTEN UP,
MR. PRESIDENT?
MR. PRESIDENT?
UH-UH, I'M BUSY, OH, GO AHEAD.
I WANT TO FINISH THIS ONE.
I THINK IT MIGHT MAKE THE
FRIDGE.
FRIDGE.
(LAUGHTER)
HEY, LOOK, DICK, I STAYED IN THE
HEY, LOOK, DICK, I STAYED IN THE
LINES THIS TIME.
(LAUGHTER)
(GIGGLING)
(GIGGLING)
THE PRESIDENT NEEDS A NEW LAUGH.
THAT--
(MOCK LAUGHING)
(MOCK LAUGHING)
THE PRESIDENT SHOULDN'T LAUGH
LIKE A VILLAIN.
UH-UH.
THE MAN LAUGH LIKE HE JUST TIED
SOMEBODY TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
SOMEBODY TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
WHAT THE HELL THAT?
(MOCK LAUGHING)
BUT YOU GOTTA GET BEHIND HIM.
BUT YOU GOTTA GET BEHIND HIM.
THAT'S OUR PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW?
GOTTA SUPPORT HIM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW.
AND WE DO.
WE DO.
(APPLAUSE)
THE MAN HAS A 70% APPROVAL
RATING.
RATING.
WHICH MAKES SENSE TO ME,
BECAUSE HE'S PRETTY MUCH DONE
EVERYTHING I EXPECTED HIM TO DO.
THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET,
THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET,
WE'RE AT WAR AND EVERYTHING'S
ON FIRE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
WANDA SYKESYOU KNOW,
THE THING THAT BUGS ME THOUGH,
IS LIKE--
NOBODY EVER WANTS TO ADMIWHEN THEY MADE A MISTAKE, RIGHT?
NOBODY WANTS TO ADMIT IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK AT FBI, CIA,
NSA--
NSA--
THEY MESSED UP.
BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITTIN' IT,
THEY GO, "WELL, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD
WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED 9/11
HAPPENIN'.
HAPPENIN'.
NO WAY IN THE WORLD."
YOU KNOW, THEN LATER ON, WE FIND
OUT ALL THESE DAMN MEMOS CAME
OUT, YOU KNOW, HIGHLY TRAINED
FBI AGENT WROTE THE MEMO,
FBI AGENT WROTE THE MEMO,
"I THINK THIS DUDE WANTS TO FLY
A PLANE INTO THE WORLD TRADE
CENTER."
CENTER."
BUT THEY LIKE, "WELL, THERE'S
NO WAY IN THE WORLD WE COULD
HAVE PREDICTED THAT."
YEAH, I COULD UNDERSTAND IF
MISS CLEO WROTE THE MEMO.
MISS CLEO WROTE THE MEMO.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW, SO NOW, THEY WANT US
YOU KNOW, SO NOW, THEY WANT US
TO FEEL SAFE.
SO, HOW THEY DO THAT?
BY SCARIN' US TO DEATH.
BY SCARIN' US TO DEATH.
EVERY TIME WE TURN AROUND,
THEY TELLIN' US, SOMETHING GONNA
HAPPEN.
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
CAN'T EVEN TURN ON THE T.V.
WITHOUT HEARING A WARNING,
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
AND THEY ALWAYS DO IT ON A
FRIDAY, 'ROUND 5 O'CLOCK.
FRIDAY, 'ROUND 5 O'CLOCK.
(LAUGHTER)
JUST TO MESS UP YOUR WEEKEND.
YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY DO IYOU KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY DO ION A SUNDAY NIGHT, TELL
EVERYBODY TO TAKE THE DAY OFF
MONDAY OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
"UH-- UH, YEAH.
"UH-- UH, YEAH.
I AIN'T COMIN' IN TODAY.
NO, MAN.
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
(LAUGHTER)
WELL, THAT'S WHAT DICK CHENEY
SAID."
DICK CHENEY, MAN, HE'S ON A DAMN
SCARE TOUR.
SCARE TOUR.
YOU CAN'T TURN THE T.V. ON--
THAT MAN SCARIN' THE HELL OUT OF
YOU.
YOU.
AND I LOVE WATCHIN' THOSE
POLITICAL SHOWS, RIGHT--
SO SUNDAY MORNING, I'M WATCHIN'
MY FAVORITE SHOW, WATCHIN'
FACE THE NATION.
THERE'S DICK CHENEY ON THERE.
THERE'S DICK CHENEY ON THERE.
YOU KNOW IT LIKE WATCHIN'
CREATURE FEATURE, MAN?
DICK CHENEY LIKE, "OH, YES,
YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DOMESTIC
ATTACK, IT WILL HAPPEN.
ATTACK, IT WILL HAPPEN.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME.
I COULD HAPPEN NOW!"
I'M LIKE--
WHOA!
WHOA!
WHOA!
MY CEREAL WENT FLYIN' UP IN THE
AIR.
I GOT FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY
I GOT FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY
WALL.
(LAUGHTER)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, SHE DOES THE
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, SHE DOES THE
SAME THING.
THAT WOMAN SCARE YOU TO DEATH.
YOU NOTICE, WHENEVER SHE TALKS
YOU NOTICE, WHENEVER SHE TALKS
TO THE PRESS, SHE'S UP THERE,
"TODAY, THE PRESIDENT MET WITH--
DID Y'ALL HEAR SUMPIN'?
DID Y'ALL HEAR SUMPIN'?
(LAUGHTER)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, THE NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, I KNEW THASECURITY ADVISOR, I KNEW THAWAS A PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.
COME ON, NOW, YOU KNOW, A BLACK
WOMAN CAN'T KEEP NO SECRETS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SHE PROBABLY AT THE BEAUTY
PARLOR JUST TELLIN' ALL OUR
PARLOR JUST TELLIN' ALL OUR
BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, LOOK, I CAN'T BE
IN HERE ALL DAY.
WE BOMBIN' IRAQ AT TWO.
WE BOMBIN' IRAQ AT TWO.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
JUST GET ME A QUICK PEDICURE.
I WANT TO LOOK CUTE WHEN WE PUI WANT TO LOOK CUTE WHEN WE PUOUR FOOT UP SADDAM'S ASS.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
OUR AIR QUALITY'S ALL MESSED UP
NOW.
YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING.
WHEN THEY LOWERED THE EMISSION
STANDARDS.
STANDARDS.
YOU KNEW THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN
WHEN THEY APPOINTED
CHRISTINE WHITMAN HEAD OF THE
E.P.A.
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
YEAH.
THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY
IS HEAD OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL
PROTECTION AGENCY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DO YOU KNOW HOW DIRTY NEW JERSEY
DO YOU KNOW HOW DIRTY NEW JERSEY
IS?
I MEAN, I'M SORRY, YOU DRIVE
THROUGH NEW JERSEY, YOU GONNA
THROUGH NEW JERSEY, YOU GONNA
GET A LUMP ON YOUR BREAST.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
BETTER GET A MAMMOGRAM AT THE
TOLL.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
AH, THAT'LL BE 2.40, AND PUAH, THAT'LL BE 2.40, AND PUYOUR TITTY UP HERE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHOO!
OKAY, YOU ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, YOU ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
WANDA SYKESNOBODY LIKES
TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN.
TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN.
NOBODY.
THEN WE FIND ALL THESE ENRON
GUYS, ALL THESE CEO'S ROBBING
EVERYBODY BLIND, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I TELL YOU, THAT STOCK
MARKET, BOY.
THAT'S WHY I GOT OUT.
I GOT OUT THE MARKET.
I CALLED MY BROKER.
I CALLED MY BROKER.
I WAS LIKE, "HEY, PUT ALL MY
MONEY IN WEED."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
PRICE OF WEED NEVER GOES DOWN.
THAT'S A REAL BLUE CHIP RIGHTHERE.
THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
THESE CEO'S MAN, THEY JUSROBBIN' PEOPLE, BOY.
ROBBIN' PEOPLE, BOY.
I HOPE THEY GET A LOT OF
JAIL TIME, TOO.
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY
GET IN COURT, EITHER THEY PLEAD
THE FIFTH OR THEY GO, "I DON'RECALL."
AND THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.
THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.
THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.
I MEAN, THAT SHOULDN'T BE
ACCEPTABLE.
YOU KNOW, YOU ASK ANY WOMAN IN
HERE, YOUR MAN COMES HOME,
AND YOU BEEN LIKE, "EH, YOU BEEN
AND YOU BEEN LIKE, "EH, YOU BEEN
CHEATIN' ON ME," AND HE GOES,
"I DON'T RECALL."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW, AND THEN CONFERS WITH
HIS BUDDY.
"ONE MOMENT."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
"NO COMMENT."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SHOOT.
YOU GONNA WHIP HIS ASS 'TIL HE
GETS HIS MEMORY BACK.
PUT UP WITH THAT.
PUT UP WITH THAT.
BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN,
THEY RUTHLESS, BOY.
YOU KNOW THEY AFFECTED LIKE
MILLIONS OF LIVES.
THEY HAD PEOPLE OUT THERE,
THOUGHT THEY WAS GONNA BE ABLE
TO RETIRE IN FOUR YEARS,
AND THEN, THEY GOTTA WORK
40 MORE YEARS.
40 MORE YEARS.
YOU KNOW, THEN YOU GOT PEOPLE
WHO WERE RETIRED, AND THEY GOTTA
GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL GONNA FEEL IT.
YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE,
YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE,
RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC, SOME 80 YEAR
OLD DUDE IN THE CARPOOL LANE,
JUST MESSIN' TRAFFIC UP.
JUST MESSIN' TRAFFIC UP.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YOU BASTARDS!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING!
BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN, THEY--
I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS,
I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS,
YOU A SCARY DUDE, MAN.
I TELL YOU NOW, SHOOT, I WALK
PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER,
PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER,
I DON'T EVEN BLINK.
BUT IF I SEE A WHITE DUDE WITH A
WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS.
WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS.
SHOOT.
BEFORE I WALK PAST THE ARTHUR
ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH
ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH
THE PROJECTS.
(LAUGHTER)
CUTTIN' THROUGH THE PROJECTS,
YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU
YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU
HAVE ON YOU THAT DAY.
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN MUGGED OF MY
FUTURE.
FUTURE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MARTHA STEWART.
MARTHA STEWART.
NOW, SHE'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE
STOCK MARKET.
INSIDER TRADIN'.
YOU KNOW, WHICH I THINK IS
UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE'S RICH.
RICH PEOPLE, THEY TALK TO OTHER
RICH PEOPLE, AND THEY TALK ABOURICH STUFF.
PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING.
PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING.
WE ALL ARE GUILTY OF IT.
BROKE PEOPLE DO IT, TOO.
JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.
JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.
I HAVE COUSINS WHO WORK AWAL-MART.
THEY ALWAYS CALLIN' ME.
"GIRL, DON'T BUY THERE TODAY."
"GIRL, DON'T BUY THERE TODAY."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"UH-UH.
NO.
IT'S GOIN' ON SALE TOMORROW."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"UH-HUH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
TWO FOR ONE.
TWO FOR ONE.
IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
YEAH."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
CATHOLIC CHURCH, THEY IN
TROUBLE.
YEAH, I WAS DISAPPOINTED,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE POPE WAS
GONNA COME OUT AND JUST PUT HIS
FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW?
FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW?
JUST LAY THE LAW DOWN.
JUST GET IN THEY ASS.
YOU KNOW?
THOUGHT THE POPE WOULD JUST STEP
OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "LOOK,
OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "LOOK,
YOU MOTHER-(BLEEP) GOTTA CUTHIS (BLEEP) OUT, ALL RIGHT?
Y'ALL SOME DIRTY BASTARDS.
I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
IF Y'ALL DO KEEP THIS (BLEEP)
UP, YOU GONNA BUST HELL WIDE
OPEN.
I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
I'M--
THAT'S IT, RIGHT NOW,
YA' BITCH."
YA' BITCH."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND HE SHOULD USE THOSE EXACWORDS.
WORDS.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING
THAT WRONG: THE POPE SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO CUSS YOU THE (BLEEP)
OUT.
OUT.
(APPLAUSE)
BUT INSTEAD THE POPE AIN'REALLY SAY TOO MUCH.
REALLY SAY TOO MUCH.
YOU KNOW, HE KIND OF TOUCHED
ON IT.
THEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW, POPE
GETTIN' KIND OF OLD.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT, WHO WE FOOLIN'?
THE POPE IS OLD, Y'ALL.
THE POPE IS OLD, Y'ALL.
THE POPE IS OLD.
IT'S TIME TO START THINKING
ABOUT PUTTIN' THE POPE IN THE
OLD POPE'S HOME.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
AND THEN, THE MAN, HE CAN'T EVEN
STAND UP STRAIGHT.
THE POPE ALL DOUBLED OVER.
AND THEN, THEY PUTTIN' THABIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD
BIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD
AND ALL THOSE HEAVY ROBES AND
STUFF.
LIGHTEN THE MAN'S LOAD UP.
GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING
GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING
CAP OR SOMETHING.
HELP HIM OUT.
YOU KNOW?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
HELP THE POPE OUT.
HELP THE POPE OUT.
INSTEAD OF ALL THOSE HEAVY
ROBES, GIVE HIM A PAIR OF
PAJAMAS.
LET HIM WHERE A LITTLE TANK TOP
AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING.
AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW?
GIVE HIM SOME HOUSE SHOES OR
SOMETHING.
HELP THE MAN OUT.
HELP THE MAN OUT.
AND NOW, THE POPE GOT A
HUNCHBACK.
WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK?
WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK?
NOW HE GOT A HUNCHBACK.
YOU SEE THE BIG HUNCH ON HIS
BACK NOW.
THAT'S WHERE HE STORES ALL THE
CONFESSIONS THAT HE HEARS FROM
THE PRIESTS.
THE PRIESTS.
UH-HUH.
YOU DID WHAT?
OH, LORD.
OH-- OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP.
OH-- OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP.
OH, OH.
OH, Y'ALL ARE KILLIN' ME.
OH, I CAN'T HEAR NO MORE.
OH, I CAN'T HEAR NO MORE.
MY HUNCH.
OH, OH.
THE BELLS, THE BELLS, THE BELLS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WANDA SYKESSO, I'VE BEEN OUIN L.A. A LOT.
IN L.A. A LOT.
L.A. IS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF
DRIVIN'.
AND I HATE ALL THAT DAMN DRIVIN'
BECAUSE IT INTERFERES WITH MY
DRINKIN'.
DRINKIN'.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I LOVE ME SOME
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I LOVE ME SOME
NEW YORK, BOY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
RIGHT.
WE GET TOE UP IN NEW YORK.
WE GET TOE UP IN NEW YORK.
YOU KNOW, NEW YORK, WE HAVE ALL
THOSE BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY CABS AND
THOSE BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY CABS AND
STUFF.
OH, I LOVE THAT, MAN.
TELL YOU-- $5 OUT OF YOUR
TELL YOU-- $5 OUT OF YOUR
POCKET, PIN YOUR ADDRESS TO YOUR
COLLAR.
WHOO!
(LAUGHTER)
YOU GET HOME.
YOU GET HOME.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET THACAB, MAN.
I KNOW HERE IN NEW YORK, I'M AI KNOW HERE IN NEW YORK, I'M ATHE BAR DRINKIN', THE BARTENDER
COMES OVER, "UH, CAN I GET YOU
ANOTHER ONE?"
"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME SEE.
"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME SEE.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
OH, YEAH.
I COULD HAVE ABOUT TWO MORE."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
BECAUSE IN NEW YORK, THAT'S ALL
YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DO.
JUST WANDER YOUR ASS TO THAJUST WANDER YOUR ASS TO THACURB, AND--
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
YOU ARE HOME, MAN.
YOU ARE HOME, MAN.
YOU KNOW, BUT WHEN YOU'RE OUYOU KNOW, BUT WHEN YOU'RE OUDRINKIN', AND YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA
DRIVE, YOU TRY TO BE
RESPONSIBLE, RIGHT?
YOU DO.
YOU DO.
YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS.
YOU TELL YOURSELF, YOU SAY,
"OKAY, I'M DRIVIN' TONIGHT.
I'M GONNA HAVE TWO DRINKS.
THAT'S IT."
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.
BUT WHEN YOU GET WITH YOUR
FRIENDS THAT GOES RIGHT OUT THE
WINDOW, RIGHT?
BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS, THEY WANBECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS, THEY WANYOU TO ACT THE ASS, TOO.
RIGHT, YOU WANT EVERYBODY DRUNK.
YOU DON'T WANT SOMEBODY SOBER,
YOU DON'T WANT SOMEBODY SOBER,
RECALLING THE EVENTS THE NEXDAY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT.
NO.
"GIRL, YOU PEED ON YOURSELF."
"GIRL, YOU PEED ON YOURSELF."
"WHAT?
I DID NOT."
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
I HATE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR
SOBER ASS.
SOBER ASS.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
YOU WANT EVERYBODY DRUNK.
THAT'S WHY NO MATTER WHAT YOU
DO--
DO--
IF YOU GO, "NO, NO.
TWO DRINKS, MAN, I'M DONE,"
YOU ALWAYS GET THE ONE FRIEND
THAT'LL GO, "NO, NO, NO.
COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.
YOU BE ALL RIGHT.
I'LL FOLLOW YOU HOME."
I'LL FOLLOW YOU HOME."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND WE ALL FALL FOR THAT FOR
SOME REASON, RIGHT?
SOME REASON, RIGHT?
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE LOGIC
BEHIND THAT, EXACTLY.
IT'S LIKE OKAY, I'M GONNA GET MY
DRUNK ASS IN MY CAR.
DRUNK ASS IN MY CAR.
AND YOU GONNA GET YOUR DRUNK ASS
IN YOUR CAR.
AND WE GONNA HAVE THIS DRUNK
CARAVAN JUST FLYIN' DOWN THE
CARAVAN JUST FLYIN' DOWN THE
HIGHWAY.
HOW DOES HAVIN' A DRUNK BEHIND
YOU IMPROVE YOUR DRIVIN'?
YOU IMPROVE YOUR DRIVIN'?
(LAUGHTER)
ONLY THING THAT'S GOOD FOR--
ONLY THING THAT'S GOOD FOR--
LIKE SO WHEN YOU CRASH, YOUR
DRUNK FRIEND WILL BE THERE
TO TELL THE COPS WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT'S ALL.
YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH, OFFICER,
YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH, OFFICER,
I SAW THE WHOLE THING.
IT WAS TRAGIC.
IT WAS TRAGIC.
OKAY, THIS WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
OKAY, THIS WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
CAN YOU GET THE LIGHT OUT OF MY
EYE, OFFICER?
WELL, OKAY.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
NOW, YOU SEE HOW THE ROAD GO
NOW, YOU SEE HOW THE ROAD GO
LIKE THIS?
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
WELL, SHE WENT LIKE THAT.
WELL, SHE WENT LIKE THAT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I WAS FOLLOWING HER UNTIL SHE
I WAS FOLLOWING HER UNTIL SHE
HIT THAT TREE.
AND THEN, I SAID, "WELL, MAYBE
AND THEN, I SAID, "WELL, MAYBE
SHE LIVE IN THE WOODS."
SHE LIVE IN THE WOODS."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAYBE SHE GOT A TREE HOUSE.
MAYBE SHE GOT A TREE HOUSE.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
OH, OKAY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WANDA SYKESI WAS IN FLORIDA
WANDA SYKESI WAS IN FLORIDA
LAST WEEK, MAN.
LOT OF STRIP CLUBS IN FLORIDA.
GOOD, GRIEF.
EVERY ONE THEY CLOSED IN
NEW YORK, THEY MOVED TO FLORIDA.
I MEAN, FLORIDA GOT SO MANY
STRIP CLUBS, I MEAN, THEY NEED
STRIP CLUBS, I MEAN, THEY NEED
TO CHANGE THEY STATE FLAG TO
JUST A BRASS POLE.
YOU KNOW?
FLORIDA.
FLORIDA.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,
I WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE GUYS, AFTER
THE SHOW, WE WENT TO THIS CLUB.
AND WE GET TO THE STRIP CLUB,
AND THEY ACTUALLY TRIED TO
CHARGE ME A COVER.
CHARGE ME A COVER.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
WANTING ME TO PAY.
I WAS LIKE "PAY?
ARE YOU OUT YOUR DAMN MIND?"
I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.
I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.
I BROUGHT MY OWN TITTIES.
AND YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY TO SEE
TITTIES, SHOOT?
TITTIES, SHOOT?
I CAN SEE TITTIES FOR FREE
ALL DAY IF I WANT TO.
YEAH, I CAN EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.
YEAH, I CAN EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.
CAN YOU DO THAT IN THERE?
I AIN'T THINK SO.
YOU KNOW, B.Y.O.T., MAN."
YOU KNOW, B.Y.O.T., MAN."
(LAUGHTER)
BUT I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL.
ONCE I GOT INSIDE, AND SAW THOSE
TRIPLE-Gs AND STUFF, I WENT BACK
TRIPLE-Gs AND STUFF, I WENT BACK
AND PAID.
(LAUGHTER)
I WAS LIKE, "OH, OH.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, OH.
I GET IT NOW.
I SEE.
YEAH, THESE ARE PROFESSIONAL
TITTIES IN HERE."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
OH, GOOD LORD, NO, MY TITTIES
COULDN'T DO THAT.
I GUESS IF YOUR TITTIES BIGGER
I GUESS IF YOUR TITTIES BIGGER
THAN YOUR HEAD, THEN, YEAH.
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO PAY SOME
BILLS WITH THAT.
BILLS WITH THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE'S THIS ONE CLUB I WENT TO,
MAN.
THAT WAS THE END OF IT FOR ME.
THAT WAS THE END OF IT FOR ME.
WE WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,
MAN.
IT WAS LIKE THE LOWEST, THE MOSNASTIEST--
NASTIEST--
I MEAN, JUST RAW NAKED ASS.
THERE'S NO D.J., NO LIQUOR
LICENSE.
LICENSE.
AND THE GIRLS, THEY DIDN'T EVEN
AND THE GIRLS, THEY DIDN'T EVEN
BOTHER DANCIN'.
THEY JUST STOOD UP THERE.
"LOOK AT IT!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?
LOOK AT IT!"
(LAUGHTER)
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE."
I GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE."
I'M TRYING TO SNEAK OUT AND ALL.
BUT THE GUYS, THEY WERE JUST IN
THERE LOOKING AT IT.
THERE LOOKING AT IT.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WERE LIKE
WEIRD LOOKIN' FREAKY GUYS.
WEIRD LOOKIN' FREAKY GUYS.
THEY WERE JUST YOUR REGULAR
AVERAGE LOOKIN' GUY.
BUT THEY JUST NEEDED TO LOOK ABUT THEY JUST NEEDED TO LOOK AIT.
AND THAT'S WHEN I HAD A WHOLE
NEW RESPECT FOR MEN.
I WAS LIKE, BOY, BECAUSE THAI WAS LIKE, BOY, BECAUSE THAMUST BE REALLY HARD BEING A MAN.
YOU KNOW, HAVE THAT THING UP IN
YOUR HEAD MESSIN' WITH YOU ALL
THE TIME.
HOW DO YOU GET ANY WORK DONE?
HOW DO YOU GET ANY WORK DONE?
HOW DO YOU ALL HOLD DOWN JOBS,
MAN?
YOU KNOW, YOU AT WORK, MINDING
YOU KNOW, YOU AT WORK, MINDING
YOUR BUSINESS, AND ALL OF A
SUDDEN THAT THING JUST KICKS IN.
LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.
LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.
(LAUGHTER)
COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE SEEN IT?
LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.
I'M GLAD WOMEN DON'T HAVE ANY
I'M GLAD WOMEN DON'T HAVE ANY
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM
FOR 'EM.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM FOR
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS.
THAT'S ALL WOMEN DO IS THINK.
WE ARE THINKERS.
THINK ALL THE TIME.
RIGHT?
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
CAN'T STOP THINKING.
THINK, THINK, THINK.
CAN'T STOP THINKIN'.
LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER REMEMBERED
LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER REMEMBERED
A TIME WHEN YOU HAD A MOMENT OF
SILENCE IN YOUR HEAD?
DOESN'T HAPPEN, DOES IT?
NO.
NO.
ALWAYS THINKING.
SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T EVEN SLEEP,
BECAUSE YOU WON'T SHUT THE HELL
UP.
UP.
YOU IN THE BED AND YOUR MIND
IS JUST RACIN' ABOUT NOTHIN'.
JUST, "MMM, I NEED TO TALK
TO HER TOMORROW, BECAUSE I
DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE SPOKE
DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE SPOKE
TO ME TODAY.
AND I'M NOT GONNA HAVE THIS
UNCOMFORTABLE THING GOING ON
BETWEEN US.
DID I LOCK THE DOOR?
I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THOSE
I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THOSE
SHOES.
WHERE'S MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK?
OOOH, WHAT YOU GONNA HAVE FOR
LUNCH TOMORROW?
MMM, I DON'T KNOW.
MMM, I DON'T KNOW.
WHY YOU THINKING ABOUT LUNCH?
YOU NEED TO HAVE A GOOD
BREAKFAST.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA START EVERY MORNING
WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST.
MAYBE I'LL START THAT LOW-CARB
MAYBE I'LL START THAT LOW-CARB
DIET.
THAT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR A
LOT OF PEOPLE.
TEACHER'S NAME?
TEACHER'S NAME?
WHAT WAS HER NAME?
MISS JONES.
MISS JENKINS.
WHOO!
IT'S LATE.
IT'S LATE.
I NEED TO BE ASLEEP.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOIN' UP?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME THINK ABOUT IT."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S WHY I ENVY MEN.
THAT'S WHY I ENVY MEN.
MAN, I WISH I COULD THINK LIKE
A GUY.
BECAUSE GUYS, THEY DON'T SPEND
ALL THAT TIME, THINKING.
MAN, THEY THINK ABOUT IT,
MAN, THEY THINK ABOUT IT,
THOUGHT ABOUT IT, MOVIN' ON.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S WHY THEY ENJOY SPORTS.
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOTTA THINK
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOTTA THINK
ABOUT IT.
IT'S CUT AND DRY.
EITHER YOU GOT THE BASKET OR YOU
DIDN'T.
EITHER YOU MADE THE TOUCHDOWN
OR YOU DIDN'T.
OR YOU DIDN'T.
IF THERE'S ANY QUESTION ABOUIT, THERE'S A REFEREE RIGHTHERE TO SORT IT ALL OUT FOR
'EM.
'EM.
AFTER FURTHER REVIEW, PLAY
STANDS AS CALLED "TOUCHDOWN".
STOP THINKING.
STOP THINKING.
OKAY, THANK YOU, MAN.
THANK YOU.
WHOO!
I AIN'T GONNA-- OKAY.
NOW, I AIN'T GONNA DO ALL THANOW, I AIN'T GONNA DO ALL THATHINKIN'.
BUT WOMEN-- WOMEN, WE THINK ALL
THE TIME.
THE TIME.
TALK ALL THE TIME.
BUT IT'S SO HARD FOR US TO
ARTICULATE EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT,
ARTICULATE EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT,
WHAT WE NEED, WHAT HOW WE FEEL.
YOU KNOW, HARD FOR US TO BE
DIRECT.
BECAUSE IF WE DO, WE RUN THE
RISK OF BEING CALLED A BITCH.
RIGHT?
SO, WE GOTTA BE A LITTLE TRICKY.
SO, WE GOTTA BE A LITTLE TRICKY.
GOTTA BE A LITTLE SLICK?
INSTEAD OF COMING OUT AND JUSTELLIN' YOU SOMETHING OR ASKIN'
TELLIN' YOU SOMETHING OR ASKIN'
YOU SOMETHING, WE'D RATHER GIVE
YOU A TEST.
OH, WE SOME TESTIN' PEOPLE,
OH, WE SOME TESTIN' PEOPLE,
AREN'T WE?
BOY, SAT'S, THEY AIN'T GONOTHING ON US.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OH, WOMEN WILL GIVE YOU A TEST,
BOY.
AND, FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW THAT WE
AND, FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW THAT WE
FAIL YOU AT TESTS THAT YOU DON'EVEN KNOW YOU'RE TAKIN'?
EVEN KNOW YOU'RE TAKIN'?
FAILIN' MISERABLY.
GETTIN' A BIG F, AND YOU DON'GETTIN' A BIG F, AND YOU DON'EVEN KNOW THE TEST IS IN
PROGRESS.
HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?
EVERYDAY SIMPLE STUFF, TOO.
EVERYDAY SIMPLE STUFF, TOO.
OKAY, HERE'S THE SITUATION.
GUYS.
SAY YOU GET HOME FIRST, RIGHT,
SAY YOU GET HOME FIRST, RIGHT,
THERE'S A FEW DISHES IN THE
SINK.
YEAH.
YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WASHIN'
YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WASHIN'
THE DISHES.
YOU CHILL READING THE PAPER,
WHATEVER.
SHE COMES HOME SEES THE DISHES,
SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE AIN'GONNA SAY ANYTHING.
GONNA SAY ANYTHING.
BUT IT GETS DOWNLOADED.
SHE GONNA CREATE A LITTLE
FOLDER.
FOLDER.
GONNA BE A LITTLE ICON WITH YOUR
FACE ON IT.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
AND IT'S GONNA SAY, "DISHES."
AND SHE-- (BOOP)-- RIGHT UP
THERE.
THERE.
THREE MORE DAYS, AND THAT SAME
MESS GOES ON.
SHE COMES HOME, SEES YOU
CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T GONNA SAY
CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T GONNA SAY
ANYTHING.
THAT FOURTH DAY, SHE COMES HOME,
SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE GONNA
DOUBLE-CLICK RIGHT ON YOUR FACE.
CLICK-CLICK.
CLICK-CLICK.
(LAUGHTER)
OPEN UP THE FOLDER.
LET ME THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS MAN
IS TRYING TO TELL ME.
IS TRYING TO TELL ME.
WHAT IS THIS MAN TELLIN' ME?
WHAT IS HE SAYIN'?
IS HE TRYIN' TO TELL ME THAT I'M
THE LITTLE DISHWASHER AROUND
HERE?
HERE?
HUH?
IS HE TELLIN' ME THAT WASHIN'
DISHES; THAT'S BENEATH HIM?
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WORK HARD EVERY DAY, TOO.
MAYBE I'D LIKE TO COME HOME TO A
CLEAN SINK, AND GO AHEAD AND
CLEAN SINK, AND GO AHEAD AND
START ME EV-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS NOT PUT ON THIS EARTH TO
WASH HIS DIRTY DISHES.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M NOT GONNA WASH ANOTHER
DAMN DISH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND I'M GONNA SEE HOW LONG HE'S
GONNA LET THESE DISHES PILE UP
GONNA LET THESE DISHES PILE UP
BEFORE HE'LL WASH 'EM.
THREE WEEKS GOES BY.
NOW, SHE'S SO PISSED SHE CAN'NOW, SHE'S SO PISSED SHE CAN'EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.
BECAUSE Y'ALL WALKING AROUND
THE HOUSE EATING OFF OF NAPKINS
WITH TOOTHPICKS.
WITH TOOTHPICKS.
(LAUGHTER)
AIN'T A DAMN THING CLEAN IN THE
HOUSE.
HOUSE.
AND, FELLAS, YOU DON'T CARE,
BECAUSE YOU LIKE, SHOOT, THIS IS
HOW I LIVED BEFORE I MET YOUR
ASS.
ASS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
OH, BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE,
DOES IT?
OH, NO.
UH-UH.
UH-UH.
YOU JUST AT THE GATES OF HELL
RIGHT NOW, FELLAS.
YOU AIN'T IN THE FIRE YET.
NO.
NO.
BECAUSE WITH WOMEN, SOMETHING
THAT WE'RE PISSED ABOUT IN THE
KITCHEN, IT'S GONNA WALK IT'S
WAY RIGHT DOWN THE HALLWAY,
INTO YOUR BEDROOM.
INTO YOUR BEDROOM.
AND GUYS, YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
SO, YOU GET IN THE BED, TRYING
SO, YOU GET IN THE BED, TRYING
TO BE ALL INTIMATE TRYING TO GEA LITTLE SOMETHING GOING,
YOU KNOW.
DOING YOUR LITTLE POKIN' THING
THERE.
THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU IN THERE BEHAVIN' LIKE AN
YOU IN THERE BEHAVIN' LIKE AN
'A' STUDENT.
DON'T KNOW YOU GOT A BIG-ASS F.
YOU IN THERE POKIN' AND SHE JUSYOU IN THERE POKIN' AND SHE JUSSNAPS ON YOUR ASS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
AND NOW, YOU IN THE BED FELLAS
WITH CRACKED RIBS.
WITH CRACKED RIBS.
SHE DONE KNOCKED YOUR TOOTH
LOOSE.
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
IS YOUR PROBLEM?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
"WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?
YOU'RE JUST ALL MR. ENERGY
TONIGHT, HUH?
TONIGHT, HUH?
OH, YOU'RE JUST BUBBLING WITH
ENERGY.
YOU'RE IN HERE RUBBING ON ME,
AND TOUCHING MY ASS.
BUT YOU CAN'T WASH A
(BLEEP)-DAMN GLASS?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHY DON'T I GO SIT IN THE DISH
RACK, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ME THEN,
RACK, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ME THEN,
HUH?"
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
GET OFF OF ME!
WANDA SYKESYOU KNOW WHAT?
WANDA SYKESYOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK MARRIAGE IS AN
INSTITUTION FOR RAISING
CHILDREN.
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
I DON'T SEE THE OTHER PERKS,
I DON'T SEE THE OTHER PERKS,
MYSELF.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON TO GEMARRIED.
WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE SICKLY.
WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE SICKLY.
IF YOU'RE SICKLY, THEN--
YOU KNOW.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW, GET MARRIED, HAVE
SOMEBODY TAKE CARE OF YOUR
SICK ASS.
YOU KNOW.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S JUSFOR RAISING KIDS.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY?
THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.
I THINK WHEN YOU GET MARRIED
YOU'RE GOING INTO BUSINESS
TOGETHER.
YOU'RE DOING-- YOU'RE OPENING
YOU'RE DOING-- YOU'RE OPENING
A BUSINESS, RIGHT?
IN ALL BUSINESS, YOU HAVE TO
HAVE A PRODUCT.
GOTTA PRODUCE SOMETHING.
WHY ARE YOU IN BUSINESS?
WHY ARE YOU IN BUSINESS?
SEE WE WERE MARRIED SEVEN YEARS,
NO KIDS.
SO, WE WENT OUTTA BUSINESS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
NO INVENTORY.
I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE TO ME
I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE TO ME
IT WAS LIKE THIS.
OKAY.
I WAS TAKING CARE OF MYSELF
BEFORE I MET YOU.
BEFORE I MET YOU.
YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU MET ME.
LET'S JUST CONTINUE DOWN THIS
SAME PATH.
YOU KNOW, LET'S BE TOGETHER
SEPARATELY.
THAT WAS WORKING FOR ME.
THAT WAS WORKING FOR ME.
BUT HE WOULD COME HOME AND JUSSTAY STUFF TO ME THAT I JUSDIDN'T UNDERSTAND.
HE WOULD WALK IN THE DOOR--
"AH, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"
"AH, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"
"I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'D YOU COOK?"
(LAUGHTER)
I ATE ALREADY.
I ATE ALREADY.
I'M"--
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
HE WOULD ACTUALLY SAY STUFF LIKE
THAT.
HE ACTUALLY SAID THIS ONE TIME.
"I'M ALL OUTTA CLEAN UNDERWEAR."
"I'M ALL OUTTA CLEAN UNDERWEAR."
"OOH, YOU NEED TO WASH.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
I DID MY LAUNDRY YESTERDAY.
I GOT A DRAWER FULL OF CLEAN
PANTIES.
LOOK AT THERE.
LOOK AT THERE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO BORROW A PAIR
TO TIDE YOU OVER IF YOU LIKE."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
RAISING KIDS, MAN.
AND I GET ASKED THAT A LOT, TOO.
AND I GET ASKED THAT A LOT, TOO.
PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, DON'T YOU
REGRET NOT HAVING KIDS?"
AND I GO, "NOT REALLY."
AND THEN IF THEY KEEP ASKING,
AND THEN IF THEY KEEP ASKING,
I ALWAYS SAY THIS.
"WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE ONE DAY
I'LL ADOPT."
I'LL ADOPT."
BUT I DON'T MEAN THAT.
I DON'T.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S JUST SOMETHING I SAY
TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A NICER
PERSON, THAT'S ALL.
PERSON, THAT'S ALL.
I DON'T MEAN THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
I GUESS THE WHOLE THING WITH
KIDS, TOO, I DON'T REALLY THINK
ABOUT NOT HAVING KIDS 'CAUSE
ABOUT NOT HAVING KIDS 'CAUSE
I DON'T HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING.
TO ME, THE CLOCK STOPPED AT 26.
YEAH, THIS WHOLE AGING PROCESS
YEAH, THIS WHOLE AGING PROCESS
IS MESSING WITH ME, MAN, 'CAUSE
I STILL FEEL AND THINK THE SAME
WAY I DID WHEN I WAS 26.
YOU KNOW, SO I FEEL 26.
ESPECIALLY AFTER I HAVE A FEW
DRINKS.
OH, BOY.
OH, BOY.
THEN IT REALLY KICKS IN, RIGHT?
'CAUSE, BOY, YOU HAVE A FEW
DRINKS, BOY, YOU FEEL SEXY,
DON'T YOU?
I'M SAYING-- "I KNEW I WAS 26.
I'M SAYING-- "I KNEW I WAS 26.
I'M--
(LAUGHTER)
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LYING-ASS
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LYING-ASS
CALENDAR WAS TALKING ABOUT.
I'M 26."
RIGHT?
'CAUSE YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOU
DRINK, DON'T YOU?
WHOO, YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOU
DRINK.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DRINKING,
FEELING SEXY.
AT THE BAR, TALKING TRASH.
THEN YOU GO TO THE LADIES' ROOM,
AND YOU CHECK YOURSELF OUT IN
AND YOU CHECK YOURSELF OUT IN
THE MIRROR.
YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH.
DANG."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
"YOU'S A SEXY BITCH.
(LAUGHTER)
"YOU LITTLE SEXY--
"YOU LITTLE SEXY--
I'D (BLEEP) YOU.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHOO!
YOU HOT."
FEEL SEXY, MAN.
FEEL SEXY, MAN.
ME AND MY FOUR GIRLFRIENDS--
WE WENT DOWN TO SOUTH BEACH.
MAN, HANGING OUT IN MIAMI IN
MAN, HANGING OUT IN MIAMI IN
SOUTH BEACH DRINKING.
WITH OUR LITTLE THONG BIKINIS
ON, LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT.
FEELING SEXY.
FEELING 26.
UNTIL SOME REAL 26 YEAR OLDS
UNTIL SOME REAL 26 YEAR OLDS
WALKS BY.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
I'LL PUT THAT DOWN.
I'LL PUT THAT DOWN.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
PASS ME MY SURRONG.
PASS ME MY SURRONG.
IT GOT WINDY OUT HERE, DIDN'IT GOT WINDY OUT HERE, DIDN'IT?
A LITTLE 26 YEAR-OLD WIND
JUST WHIPPED RIGHT THROUGH HERE,
DIDN'T IT?
DIDN'T IT?
WANDA SYKESSEE, WOMEN LOVE
FEELING SEXY.
WOMEN LOVE FEELING SEXY.
MEN LIKE HAVING SEX.
MEN LIKE HAVING SEX.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.
SEE, MEN DON'T UNDERSTAND THAFEELING SEXY AND NOT HAVING
FEELING SEXY AND NOT HAVING
SEX--
THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE
TO THEM.
THEY LIKE-- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU FEEL SEXY, BUT YOU DON'YOU FEEL SEXY, BUT YOU DON'WANT TO HAVE SEX.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
WELL, THAT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE.
I DON'T--
THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
'CAUSE GUYS--
'CAUSE GUYS--
THEY'RE LIKE--
YOU CAN'T FEEL ANY SEXIER WHEN
YOU'RE HAVING SEX.
THAT'S THE EPITOME OF FEELING
THAT'S THE EPITOME OF FEELING
SEXY.
THE GUYS--
GUYS ARE LIKE "BABY, YOU JUSDON'T KNOW HOW SEXY YOU LOOK IN
THAT DOGGY POSITION.
THAT DOGGY POSITION.
NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU,
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO SEXY.
AND THE WAY THE LIGHT FROM THE
AND THE WAY THE LIGHT FROM THE
TV HITS THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OH, BABY!
IT'S SO SEXY.
IT'S SO SEXY.
BUT I DON'T BLAME GUYS THOUGH.
BUT I DON'T BLAME GUYS THOUGH.
'CAUSE WHEN YOU JUST GO LOOK ATHE ACT OF SEX, GUYS GOT IMADE.
Y'ALL REALLY DO.
LOOK AT THAT.
EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX, MAN,
EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX, MAN,
YOU'RE GONNA COMPLETE THE ACEVERY TIME.
LOOK AT THAT.
FOR GUYS, SEX IS LIKE GOING TO A
FOR GUYS, SEX IS LIKE GOING TO A
RESTAURANT AND NO MATTER WHAYOU ORDER OFF THAT MENU,
YOU WALK OUT OF THERE GOIN'
"DAMN, THAT WAS GOOD.
WHOO!
WHOO!
WHAT IS THE HELL?
AH, SHE PUT SOMETHIN' SPECIAL ON
THAT.
THAT.
MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.
GOOD LORD, THAT WAS TASTY.
I WANT TO EAT HERE THREE, FOUR
I WANT TO EAT HERE THREE, FOUR
TIMES A DAY.
I LOVE THIS.
(LAUGHTER)
SEE, BUT WOMEN, IT DON'T WORK
SEE, BUT WOMEN, IT DON'T WORK
LIKE THAT FOR US.
FOR WOMEN, WE GO TO THE
FOR WOMEN, WE GO TO THE
RESTAURANT, YOU KNOW, YOU ORDER
SOMETHING.
SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD.
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SEND ISOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SEND IBACK.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT GET FOOD
SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT GET FOOD
POISONING.
SEE?
BUT YOU HAVE THOSE HIT AND
BUT YOU HAVE THOSE HIT AND
MISSES.
YOU GONNA SKIP A FEW MEALS,
RIGHT?
OR "I'M NOT HUNGRY TODAY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUYOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUSTARTING MY FAST.
I THINK IT'S A GOOD TIME."
OR YOU MIGHT GO "YOU KNOW,
OR YOU MIGHT GO "YOU KNOW,
I THINK I'M GONNA COOK FOR
MYSELF TODAY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY I COOK.
IT'S ALWAYS FILLING.
MY COOKING STICKS TO YOUR RIBS.
I JUST LOVE THE WAY I COOK.
I JUST LOVE THE WAY I COOK.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M A FAST COOK.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
I CAN WHIP 'EM UP.
TIME IT TAKES YOU TO DO ONE MEAL
I CAN MAKE THREE.
I CAN MAKE THREE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
BUT GUYS, EVERY TIME, MAN.
BUT GUYS, EVERY TIME, MAN.
THAT IS AMAZING.
'CAUSE WOMEN, WE GOT TO GET IN
'CAUSE WOMEN, WE GOT TO GET IN
THE MIDDLE OF IT BEFORE WE
FIGURE OUT IF THE TRAIN'S GONNA
PULL INTO THE STATION OR NOT,
RIGHT?
WE DO.
WE DO.
AND THEN GUYS WONDER WHY WE
FAKE IT.
IT'S CALL "TIME MANAGEMENT".
IT'S CALL "TIME MANAGEMENT".
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AIN'T NO NEED TO BE UP ALL NIGHWORKING ON SOMETHING WHEN I KNOW
THERE HAS BEEN A DERAILMENT DOWN
THE ROAD.
THE ROAD.
I DON'T NEED TO BE UP ALL NIGHWORKING ON SOMETHING I KNOW
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU JUST CUTTIN' INTO MY SLEEP
TIME NOW.
SHOOT.
I'M TRYING TO DO US BOTH A
FAVOR.
FAVOR.
EVERY WOMAN HAS BEEN IN THASITUATION.
HE'S WORKING HARD TRYIN' TO MAKE
IT HAPPEN.
IT HAPPEN.
YOU ALREADY KNOW IT AIN'T GONNA
HAPPEN.
AND YOU GLANCE OVER AT THE
CLOCK.
YOU LIKE "SHOOT.
YOU LIKE "SHOOT.
IT'S 1:30 IN THE MORNING.
AND I GOT TO GET UP AT SIX.
1:30, 2:30, 3:30 4:30...
1:30, 2:30, 3:30 4:30...
"AH, THE HELL WITH THIS.
"AH, THE HELL WITH THIS.
OH, YES!
WHOO!
OH, YES, BABY!
WHOO!
WHOO!
OH!
OH, HERCULES, HERCULES,
HERCULES.
THANK YOU ALL.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
COMEDY CENTRAL.
COMEDY CENTRAL.
CAPTIONED BY
mCCaptioning Services.
(MUSIC PLAYING)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
ANNOUNCERLADIES AND
GENTLEMEN,
WANDA SYKES.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
WANDA SYKESWHOA!
WANDA SYKESWHOA!
YEAH!
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU, THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
THANK YOU.
HOW YOU DOING NEW YORK?!
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
ALL RIGHT.
GOOD TO BE HERE.
GOOD TO BE HERE.
I'M SO EXCITED ABOUT THIS.
GOT MY SPECIAL.
GOT A SHOW COMING OUT--
MY OWN SIT-COM COMING OUT.
AND I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT IT,
AND I'M REAL EXCITED ABOUT IT,
BECAUSE IT'S AN IDEA THAI CAME UP WITH.
YOU KNOW, AND BEFORE YOU GET TO
YOU KNOW, AND BEFORE YOU GET TO
DO A SHOW THAT YOU WANT TO DO,
YOU GOTTA LISTEN TO ALL THEY BAD
IDEAS.
IDEAS.
AND THEY HAD A LOT OF BAD IDEAS.
YOU KNOW, MY AGENT WOULD CALL
ME, AND SHE'S LIKE-- "WANDA, YOU
ME, AND SHE'S LIKE-- "WANDA, YOU
DON'T EVEN WANT TO HEAR THIS."
I'S LIKE, "NO, TELL ME,
WHAT IS IT?"
SHE'S LIKE, "ALL RIGHT,
THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY A MAID.
THEY WANT YOU TO PLAY A MAID.
AND YOU WIN THE LOTTERY.
BUT YOU LOVE WORKING FOR THIS
BUT YOU LOVE WORKING FOR THIS
FAMILY SO MUCH...
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YOU CONTINUE TO BE THEIR MAID."
I SAID, "SET IT UP.
I SAID, "SET IT UP.
I WANT TO MEET THESE PEOPLE.
SO I CAN SLAP THAT DUMB-ASS IDEA
SO I CAN SLAP THAT DUMB-ASS IDEA
RIGHT OUT THEY HEAD."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHAT MAKES YOU THINK PEOPLE
WANT TO WORK FOR YOU LIKE THAT.
WANT TO WORK FOR YOU LIKE THAT.
THAT'S RIDICULOUS.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU RIGHT NOW,
SOMEBODY WALKED IN HERE AND
TOLD ME I JUST WON THE LOTTERY,
I WOULD WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE
I WOULD WALK OUT IN THE MIDDLE
OF THIS JOKE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I FLEW IN HERE FROM L.A.
RIGHT?
(APPLAUSE)
AND THAT RANDOM SCREENING THAAND THAT RANDOM SCREENING THATHEY SAY THEY DO AT THE AIRPORT?
THERE'S NOTHING RANDOM ABOUTHE RANDOM SCREENING AT ALL.
THE RANDOM SCREENING AT ALL.
I KNOW EVERY TIME I FLY,
I GET CHECKED TWICE.
THEY STOP ME AT SECURITY,
AND THEN THEY GET ME AGAIN
AND THEN THEY GET ME AGAIN
AT THE GATE.
THE LAST TIME WAS SO BAD,
THEY ACTUALLY MADE ME GO THROUGH
THE MACHINE WITH THE LUGGAGE.
I LIKE-- MAN, WHAT IN THE--
I LIKE-- MAN, WHAT IN THE--
(LAUGHTER)
THIS IS RIDICULOUS.
THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY.
THIS CANNOT BE HEALTHY.
BEING ALL IRRADIATED.
WHAT THE HELL IS THIS, MAN?
THERE IS NOTHING RANDOM ABOUTHERE IS NOTHING RANDOM ABOUIT.
AND THEN, YOU GET TO THE GATE,
AND THEY STANDING THERE WITH A
SHERMAN WILLIAMS PAINT CHART.
SHERMAN WILLIAMS PAINT CHART.
IF YOUR ASS IS DARKER THAN
KHAKI, YOU GETTIN' SEARCHED.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SHOOT, I BEEN SEARCHED SO MUCH,
I SAID THE HELL WITH LUGGAGE.
I COULD JUST PUT ALL MY STUFF ON
I COULD JUST PUT ALL MY STUFF ON
A HANGAR.
THIS IS ALL I GOT, Y'ALL.
THAT'S IT.
Y'ALL SEE?
TWO...THREE PAIR OF DRAWERS.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S IT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND THEN ALSO, THE PEOPLE WHO
AND THEN ALSO, THE PEOPLE WHO
DOIN' THE SEARCHIN', THEY SOUND
LIKE THEY JUST GOT INTO THE
COUNTRY FOUR DAYS AGO.
COUNTRY FOUR DAYS AGO.
(LAUGHTER)
"OKAY, OKAY, MY FRIEND.
OKAY, I-- I NEED--
WHAT I NEED-- I THINK-- "
WHAT I NEED-- I THINK-- "
"NO, NO.
I NEED TO SEE YOUR ID."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHERE THE HELL YOU FROM?
SO, THE THING IS NOW,
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT DID
EVERYBODY WANTS TO KNOW WHAT DID
THE PRESIDENT KNOW BEFORE 9/11?
WHAT DID BUSH KNOW ABOUT 9/11?
WHAT DID HE KNOW?
WHAT DID HE KNOW?
AND I'M LIKE; HE DIDN'T KNOW
A DAMN THING.
REMEMBER; HE DIDN'T GET SMARUNTIL AFTER 9/11.
UNTIL AFTER 9/11.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
YOU CAN'T HOLD HIM RESPONSIBLE
YOU CAN'T HOLD HIM RESPONSIBLE
FOR STUFF THAT WAS GOING ON BACK
THEN.
HE WASN'T PAYIN' ATTENTION.
YOU KNOW, DURING THE BRIEFINGS
HE WAS PROBABLY BUSY COLORIN'
HE WAS PROBABLY BUSY COLORIN'
ON SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW, DOO-DOO-DOO-DOO.
YOU WANT TO LISTEN UP,
MR. PRESIDENT?
MR. PRESIDENT?
UH-UH, I'M BUSY, OH, GO AHEAD.
I WANT TO FINISH THIS ONE.
I THINK IT MIGHT MAKE THE
FRIDGE.
FRIDGE.
(LAUGHTER)
HEY, LOOK, DICK, I STAYED IN THE
HEY, LOOK, DICK, I STAYED IN THE
LINES THIS TIME.
(LAUGHTER)
(GIGGLING)
(GIGGLING)
THE PRESIDENT NEEDS A NEW LAUGH.
THAT--
(MOCK LAUGHING)
(MOCK LAUGHING)
THE PRESIDENT SHOULDN'T LAUGH
LIKE A VILLAIN.
UH-UH.
THE MAN LAUGH LIKE HE JUST TIED
SOMEBODY TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
SOMEBODY TO THE RAILROAD TRACKS.
WHAT THE HELL THAT?
(MOCK LAUGHING)
BUT YOU GOTTA GET BEHIND HIM.
BUT YOU GOTTA GET BEHIND HIM.
THAT'S OUR PRESIDENT, YOU KNOW?
GOTTA SUPPORT HIM.
THAT'S RIGHT.
THAT'S RIGHT.
YOU KNOW.
AND WE DO.
WE DO.
(APPLAUSE)
THE MAN HAS A 70% APPROVAL
RATING.
RATING.
WHICH MAKES SENSE TO ME,
BECAUSE HE'S PRETTY MUCH DONE
EVERYTHING I EXPECTED HIM TO DO.
THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET,
THE ECONOMY'S IN THE TOILET,
WE'RE AT WAR AND EVERYTHING'S
ON FIRE.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(MUSIC PLAYING)
WANDA SYKESYOU KNOW,
THE THING THAT BUGS ME THOUGH,
IS LIKE--
NOBODY EVER WANTS TO ADMIWHEN THEY MADE A MISTAKE, RIGHT?
NOBODY WANTS TO ADMIT IT.
YOU KNOW, YOU LOOK AT FBI, CIA,
NSA--
NSA--
THEY MESSED UP.
BUT INSTEAD OF ADMITTIN' IT,
THEY GO, "WELL, YOU KNOW,
THERE'S NO WAY IN THE WORLD
WE COULD HAVE IMAGINED 9/11
HAPPENIN'.
HAPPENIN'.
NO WAY IN THE WORLD."
YOU KNOW, THEN LATER ON, WE FIND
OUT ALL THESE DAMN MEMOS CAME
OUT, YOU KNOW, HIGHLY TRAINED
FBI AGENT WROTE THE MEMO,
FBI AGENT WROTE THE MEMO,
"I THINK THIS DUDE WANTS TO FLY
A PLANE INTO THE WORLD TRADE
CENTER."
CENTER."
BUT THEY LIKE, "WELL, THERE'S
NO WAY IN THE WORLD WE COULD
HAVE PREDICTED THAT."
YEAH, I COULD UNDERSTAND IF
MISS CLEO WROTE THE MEMO.
MISS CLEO WROTE THE MEMO.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YOU KNOW, SO NOW, THEY WANT US
YOU KNOW, SO NOW, THEY WANT US
TO FEEL SAFE.
SO, HOW THEY DO THAT?
BY SCARIN' US TO DEATH.
BY SCARIN' US TO DEATH.
EVERY TIME WE TURN AROUND,
THEY TELLIN' US, SOMETHING GONNA
HAPPEN.
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
CAN'T EVEN TURN ON THE T.V.
WITHOUT HEARING A WARNING,
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
AND THEY ALWAYS DO IT ON A
FRIDAY, 'ROUND 5 O'CLOCK.
FRIDAY, 'ROUND 5 O'CLOCK.
(LAUGHTER)
JUST TO MESS UP YOUR WEEKEND.
YOU KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY DO IYOU KNOW, WHY DON'T THEY DO ION A SUNDAY NIGHT, TELL
EVERYBODY TO TAKE THE DAY OFF
MONDAY OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW?
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
"UH-- UH, YEAH.
"UH-- UH, YEAH.
I AIN'T COMIN' IN TODAY.
NO, MAN.
SOMETHING GONNA HAPPEN.
(LAUGHTER)
WELL, THAT'S WHAT DICK CHENEY
SAID."
DICK CHENEY, MAN, HE'S ON A DAMN
SCARE TOUR.
SCARE TOUR.
YOU CAN'T TURN THE T.V. ON--
THAT MAN SCARIN' THE HELL OUT OF
YOU.
YOU.
AND I LOVE WATCHIN' THOSE
POLITICAL SHOWS, RIGHT--
SO SUNDAY MORNING, I'M WATCHIN'
MY FAVORITE SHOW, WATCHIN'
FACE THE NATION.
THERE'S DICK CHENEY ON THERE.
THERE'S DICK CHENEY ON THERE.
YOU KNOW IT LIKE WATCHIN'
CREATURE FEATURE, MAN?
DICK CHENEY LIKE, "OH, YES,
YOU KNOW, ANOTHER DOMESTIC
ATTACK, IT WILL HAPPEN.
ATTACK, IT WILL HAPPEN.
IT'S GONNA HAPPEN ANYTIME.
I COULD HAPPEN NOW!"
I'M LIKE--
WHOA!
WHOA!
WHOA!
MY CEREAL WENT FLYIN' UP IN THE
AIR.
I GOT FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY
I GOT FRUIT LOOPS ALL OVER MY
WALL.
(LAUGHTER)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, SHE DOES THE
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, SHE DOES THE
SAME THING.
THAT WOMAN SCARE YOU TO DEATH.
YOU NOTICE, WHENEVER SHE TALKS
YOU NOTICE, WHENEVER SHE TALKS
TO THE PRESS, SHE'S UP THERE,
"TODAY, THE PRESIDENT MET WITH--
DID Y'ALL HEAR SUMPIN'?
DID Y'ALL HEAR SUMPIN'?
(LAUGHTER)
CONDOLEEZZA RICE, THE NATIONAL
SECURITY ADVISOR, I KNEW THASECURITY ADVISOR, I KNEW THAWAS A PROBLEM RIGHT THERE.
COME ON, NOW, YOU KNOW, A BLACK
WOMAN CAN'T KEEP NO SECRETS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SHE PROBABLY AT THE BEAUTY
PARLOR JUST TELLIN' ALL OUR
PARLOR JUST TELLIN' ALL OUR
BUSINESS.
YOU KNOW, LOOK, I CAN'T BE
IN HERE ALL DAY.
WE BOMBIN' IRAQ AT TWO.
WE BOMBIN' IRAQ AT TWO.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
JUST GET ME A QUICK PEDICURE.
I WANT TO LOOK CUTE WHEN WE PUI WANT TO LOOK CUTE WHEN WE PUOUR FOOT UP SADDAM'S ASS.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
OUR AIR QUALITY'S ALL MESSED UP
NOW.
YOU KNEW THAT WAS COMING.
WHEN THEY LOWERED THE EMISSION
STANDARDS.
STANDARDS.
YOU KNEW THAT WAS GONNA HAPPEN
WHEN THEY APPOINTED
CHRISTINE WHITMAN HEAD OF THE
E.P.A.
(APPLAUSE)
YEAH.
YEAH.
THE GOVERNOR OF NEW JERSEY
IS HEAD OF THE ENVIRONMENTAL
PROTECTION AGENCY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
DO YOU KNOW HOW DIRTY NEW JERSEY
DO YOU KNOW HOW DIRTY NEW JERSEY
IS?
I MEAN, I'M SORRY, YOU DRIVE
THROUGH NEW JERSEY, YOU GONNA
THROUGH NEW JERSEY, YOU GONNA
GET A LUMP ON YOUR BREAST.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
BETTER GET A MAMMOGRAM AT THE
TOLL.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
AH, THAT'LL BE 2.40, AND PUAH, THAT'LL BE 2.40, AND PUYOUR TITTY UP HERE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHOO!
OKAY, YOU ALL RIGHT.
OKAY, YOU ALL RIGHT.
GO AHEAD.
WANDA SYKESNOBODY LIKES
TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN.
TO ADMIT THEIR MISTAKES, MAN.
NOBODY.
THEN WE FIND ALL THESE ENRON
GUYS, ALL THESE CEO'S ROBBING
EVERYBODY BLIND, MAN.
YOU KNOW, I TELL YOU, THAT STOCK
MARKET, BOY.
THAT'S WHY I GOT OUT.
I GOT OUT THE MARKET.
I CALLED MY BROKER.
I CALLED MY BROKER.
I WAS LIKE, "HEY, PUT ALL MY
MONEY IN WEED."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
PRICE OF WEED NEVER GOES DOWN.
THAT'S A REAL BLUE CHIP RIGHTHERE.
THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
THESE CEO'S MAN, THEY JUSROBBIN' PEOPLE, BOY.
ROBBIN' PEOPLE, BOY.
I HOPE THEY GET A LOT OF
JAIL TIME, TOO.
BECAUSE WHAT HAPPENS WHEN THEY
GET IN COURT, EITHER THEY PLEAD
THE FIFTH OR THEY GO, "I DON'RECALL."
AND THAT'S ACCEPTABLE.
THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.
THEY GET AWAY WITH THAT.
I MEAN, THAT SHOULDN'T BE
ACCEPTABLE.
YOU KNOW, YOU ASK ANY WOMAN IN
HERE, YOUR MAN COMES HOME,
AND YOU BEEN LIKE, "EH, YOU BEEN
AND YOU BEEN LIKE, "EH, YOU BEEN
CHEATIN' ON ME," AND HE GOES,
"I DON'T RECALL."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW, AND THEN CONFERS WITH
HIS BUDDY.
"ONE MOMENT."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
"NO COMMENT."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SHOOT.
YOU GONNA WHIP HIS ASS 'TIL HE
GETS HIS MEMORY BACK.
PUT UP WITH THAT.
PUT UP WITH THAT.
BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN,
THEY RUTHLESS, BOY.
YOU KNOW THEY AFFECTED LIKE
MILLIONS OF LIVES.
THEY HAD PEOPLE OUT THERE,
THOUGHT THEY WAS GONNA BE ABLE
TO RETIRE IN FOUR YEARS,
AND THEN, THEY GOTTA WORK
40 MORE YEARS.
40 MORE YEARS.
YOU KNOW, THEN YOU GOT PEOPLE
WHO WERE RETIRED, AND THEY GOTTA
GET BACK INTO THE WORKFORCE.
YOU KNOW, WE ALL GONNA FEEL IT.
YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE,
YOU GONNA BE OUT THERE,
RUSH HOUR TRAFFIC, SOME 80 YEAR
OLD DUDE IN THE CARPOOL LANE,
JUST MESSIN' TRAFFIC UP.
JUST MESSIN' TRAFFIC UP.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YOU BASTARDS!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING!
I'M SUPPOSED TO BE FISHING!
BUT THESE CEO'S, MAN, THEY--
I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS,
I MEAN, YOU BE THAT RUTHLESS,
YOU A SCARY DUDE, MAN.
I TELL YOU NOW, SHOOT, I WALK
PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER,
PAST A LITTLE GANG-BANGER,
I DON'T EVEN BLINK.
BUT IF I SEE A WHITE DUDE WITH A
WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS.
WALL STREET JOURNAL, I HAUL ASS.
SHOOT.
BEFORE I WALK PAST THE ARTHUR
ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH
ANDERSEN BUILDING, I CUT THROUGH
THE PROJECTS.
(LAUGHTER)
CUTTIN' THROUGH THE PROJECTS,
YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU
YOU MIGHT JUST LOSE WHAT YOU
HAVE ON YOU THAT DAY.
I AIN'T NEVER BEEN MUGGED OF MY
FUTURE.
FUTURE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MARTHA STEWART.
MARTHA STEWART.
NOW, SHE'S IN TROUBLE WITH THE
STOCK MARKET.
INSIDER TRADIN'.
YOU KNOW, WHICH I THINK IS
UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
UNFAIR, BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
SHE'S RICH.
RICH PEOPLE, THEY TALK TO OTHER
RICH PEOPLE, AND THEY TALK ABOURICH STUFF.
PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING.
PLUS, WE ALL DO INSIDER TRADING.
WE ALL ARE GUILTY OF IT.
BROKE PEOPLE DO IT, TOO.
JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.
JUST ON A DIFFERENT LEVEL.
I HAVE COUSINS WHO WORK AWAL-MART.
THEY ALWAYS CALLIN' ME.
"GIRL, DON'T BUY THERE TODAY."
"GIRL, DON'T BUY THERE TODAY."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"UH-UH.
NO.
IT'S GOIN' ON SALE TOMORROW."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
"UH-HUH.
YEAH.
YEAH.
TWO FOR ONE.
TWO FOR ONE.
IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
IT'S GONNA SPLIT.
YEAH."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
CATHOLIC CHURCH, THEY IN
TROUBLE.
YEAH, I WAS DISAPPOINTED,
BECAUSE I THOUGHT THE POPE WAS
GONNA COME OUT AND JUST PUT HIS
FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW?
FOOT DOWN, YOU KNOW?
JUST LAY THE LAW DOWN.
JUST GET IN THEY ASS.
YOU KNOW?
THOUGHT THE POPE WOULD JUST STEP
OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "LOOK,
OUT THERE AND BE LIKE, "LOOK,
YOU MOTHER-(BLEEP) GOTTA CUTHIS (BLEEP) OUT, ALL RIGHT?
Y'ALL SOME DIRTY BASTARDS.
I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
IF Y'ALL DO KEEP THIS (BLEEP)
UP, YOU GONNA BUST HELL WIDE
OPEN.
I'M SICK OF YOU MOTHER (BLEEP).
I'M--
THAT'S IT, RIGHT NOW,
YA' BITCH."
YA' BITCH."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND HE SHOULD USE THOSE EXACWORDS.
WORDS.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
BECAUSE WHEN YOU DO SOMETHING
THAT WRONG: THE POPE SHOULD BE
ALLOWED TO CUSS YOU THE (BLEEP)
OUT.
OUT.
(APPLAUSE)
BUT INSTEAD THE POPE AIN'REALLY SAY TOO MUCH.
REALLY SAY TOO MUCH.
YOU KNOW, HE KIND OF TOUCHED
ON IT.
THEN AGAIN, YOU KNOW, POPE
GETTIN' KIND OF OLD.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
ALL RIGHT, WHO WE FOOLIN'?
THE POPE IS OLD, Y'ALL.
THE POPE IS OLD, Y'ALL.
THE POPE IS OLD.
IT'S TIME TO START THINKING
ABOUT PUTTIN' THE POPE IN THE
OLD POPE'S HOME.
I'M SORRY.
I'M SORRY.
AND THEN, THE MAN, HE CAN'T EVEN
STAND UP STRAIGHT.
THE POPE ALL DOUBLED OVER.
AND THEN, THEY PUTTIN' THABIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD
BIG OLD HEAVY HAT ON HIS HEAD
AND ALL THOSE HEAVY ROBES AND
STUFF.
LIGHTEN THE MAN'S LOAD UP.
GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING
GIVEN HIM A LITTLE BURGER KING
CAP OR SOMETHING.
HELP HIM OUT.
YOU KNOW?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
HELP THE POPE OUT.
HELP THE POPE OUT.
INSTEAD OF ALL THOSE HEAVY
ROBES, GIVE HIM A PAIR OF
PAJAMAS.
LET HIM WHERE A LITTLE TANK TOP
AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING.
AND SOME SHORTS OR SOMETHING.
YOU KNOW?
GIVE HIM SOME HOUSE SHOES OR
SOMETHING.
HELP THE MAN OUT.
HELP THE MAN OUT.
AND NOW, THE POPE GOT A
HUNCHBACK.
WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK?
WHEN THE POPE GET A HUNCHBACK?
NOW HE GOT A HUNCHBACK.
YOU SEE THE BIG HUNCH ON HIS
BACK NOW.
THAT'S WHERE HE STORES ALL THE
CONFESSIONS THAT HE HEARS FROM
THE PRIESTS.
THE PRIESTS.
UH-HUH.
YOU DID WHAT?
OH, LORD.
OH-- OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP.
OH-- OH, PLEASE, SHUT UP.
OH, OH.
OH, Y'ALL ARE KILLIN' ME.
OH, I CAN'T HEAR NO MORE.
OH, I CAN'T HEAR NO MORE.
MY HUNCH.
OH, OH.
THE BELLS, THE BELLS, THE BELLS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WANDA SYKESSO, I'VE BEEN OUIN L.A. A LOT.
IN L.A. A LOT.
L.A. IS NOTHING BUT A BUNCH OF
DRIVIN'.
AND I HATE ALL THAT DAMN DRIVIN'
BECAUSE IT INTERFERES WITH MY
DRINKIN'.
DRINKIN'.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I LOVE ME SOME
YEAH, THAT'S WHY I LOVE ME SOME
NEW YORK, BOY.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
RIGHT.
WE GET TOE UP IN NEW YORK.
WE GET TOE UP IN NEW YORK.
YOU KNOW, NEW YORK, WE HAVE ALL
THOSE BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY CABS AND
THOSE BEAUTIFUL, LOVELY CABS AND
STUFF.
OH, I LOVE THAT, MAN.
TELL YOU-- $5 OUT OF YOUR
TELL YOU-- $5 OUT OF YOUR
POCKET, PIN YOUR ADDRESS TO YOUR
COLLAR.
WHOO!
(LAUGHTER)
YOU GET HOME.
YOU GET HOME.
ALL YOU HAVE TO DO IS GET THACAB, MAN.
I KNOW HERE IN NEW YORK, I'M AI KNOW HERE IN NEW YORK, I'M ATHE BAR DRINKIN', THE BARTENDER
COMES OVER, "UH, CAN I GET YOU
ANOTHER ONE?"
"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME SEE.
"OH, HOLD ON, LET ME SEE.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
OH, YEAH.
I COULD HAVE ABOUT TWO MORE."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
BECAUSE IN NEW YORK, THAT'S ALL
YOU HAVE TO BE ABLE TO DO.
JUST WANDER YOUR ASS TO THAJUST WANDER YOUR ASS TO THACURB, AND--
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
YOU ARE HOME, MAN.
YOU ARE HOME, MAN.
YOU KNOW, BUT WHEN YOU'RE OUYOU KNOW, BUT WHEN YOU'RE OUDRINKIN', AND YOU KNOW YOU GOTTA
DRIVE, YOU TRY TO BE
RESPONSIBLE, RIGHT?
YOU DO.
YOU DO.
YOU HAVE GOOD INTENTIONS.
YOU TELL YOURSELF, YOU SAY,
"OKAY, I'M DRIVIN' TONIGHT.
I'M GONNA HAVE TWO DRINKS.
THAT'S IT."
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.
THAT'S WHAT YOU SAY.
BUT WHEN YOU GET WITH YOUR
FRIENDS THAT GOES RIGHT OUT THE
WINDOW, RIGHT?
BECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS, THEY WANBECAUSE YOUR FRIENDS, THEY WANYOU TO ACT THE ASS, TOO.
RIGHT, YOU WANT EVERYBODY DRUNK.
YOU DON'T WANT SOMEBODY SOBER,
YOU DON'T WANT SOMEBODY SOBER,
RECALLING THE EVENTS THE NEXDAY.
YOU DON'T WANT TO HEAR THAT.
NO.
"GIRL, YOU PEED ON YOURSELF."
"GIRL, YOU PEED ON YOURSELF."
"WHAT?
I DID NOT."
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
I HATE HANGING OUT WITH YOUR
SOBER ASS.
SOBER ASS.
YOU MAKE ME SICK.
YOU WANT EVERYBODY DRUNK.
THAT'S WHY NO MATTER WHAT YOU
DO--
DO--
IF YOU GO, "NO, NO.
TWO DRINKS, MAN, I'M DONE,"
YOU ALWAYS GET THE ONE FRIEND
THAT'LL GO, "NO, NO, NO.
COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
HAVE ANOTHER DRINK.
YOU BE ALL RIGHT.
I'LL FOLLOW YOU HOME."
I'LL FOLLOW YOU HOME."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AND WE ALL FALL FOR THAT FOR
SOME REASON, RIGHT?
SOME REASON, RIGHT?
I NEVER UNDERSTOOD THE LOGIC
BEHIND THAT, EXACTLY.
IT'S LIKE OKAY, I'M GONNA GET MY
DRUNK ASS IN MY CAR.
DRUNK ASS IN MY CAR.
AND YOU GONNA GET YOUR DRUNK ASS
IN YOUR CAR.
AND WE GONNA HAVE THIS DRUNK
CARAVAN JUST FLYIN' DOWN THE
CARAVAN JUST FLYIN' DOWN THE
HIGHWAY.
HOW DOES HAVIN' A DRUNK BEHIND
YOU IMPROVE YOUR DRIVIN'?
YOU IMPROVE YOUR DRIVIN'?
(LAUGHTER)
ONLY THING THAT'S GOOD FOR--
ONLY THING THAT'S GOOD FOR--
LIKE SO WHEN YOU CRASH, YOUR
DRUNK FRIEND WILL BE THERE
TO TELL THE COPS WHAT HAPPENED.
THAT'S ALL.
YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH, OFFICER,
YOU'RE LIKE, "OOH, OFFICER,
I SAW THE WHOLE THING.
IT WAS TRAGIC.
IT WAS TRAGIC.
OKAY, THIS WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
OKAY, THIS WHAT HAPPENED, RIGHT?
CAN YOU GET THE LIGHT OUT OF MY
EYE, OFFICER?
WELL, OKAY.
THIS IS WHAT HAPPENED.
NOW, YOU SEE HOW THE ROAD GO
NOW, YOU SEE HOW THE ROAD GO
LIKE THIS?
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
WELL, SHE WENT LIKE THAT.
WELL, SHE WENT LIKE THAT.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I WAS FOLLOWING HER UNTIL SHE
I WAS FOLLOWING HER UNTIL SHE
HIT THAT TREE.
AND THEN, I SAID, "WELL, MAYBE
AND THEN, I SAID, "WELL, MAYBE
SHE LIVE IN THE WOODS."
SHE LIVE IN THE WOODS."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
MAYBE SHE GOT A TREE HOUSE.
MAYBE SHE GOT A TREE HOUSE.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
OH, OKAY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WANDA SYKESI WAS IN FLORIDA
WANDA SYKESI WAS IN FLORIDA
LAST WEEK, MAN.
LOT OF STRIP CLUBS IN FLORIDA.
GOOD, GRIEF.
EVERY ONE THEY CLOSED IN
NEW YORK, THEY MOVED TO FLORIDA.
I MEAN, FLORIDA GOT SO MANY
STRIP CLUBS, I MEAN, THEY NEED
STRIP CLUBS, I MEAN, THEY NEED
TO CHANGE THEY STATE FLAG TO
JUST A BRASS POLE.
YOU KNOW?
FLORIDA.
FLORIDA.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
I WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,
I WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,
YOU KNOW, WITH THE GUYS, AFTER
THE SHOW, WE WENT TO THIS CLUB.
AND WE GET TO THE STRIP CLUB,
AND THEY ACTUALLY TRIED TO
CHARGE ME A COVER.
CHARGE ME A COVER.
CAN YOU BELIEVE THAT?
WANTING ME TO PAY.
I WAS LIKE "PAY?
ARE YOU OUT YOUR DAMN MIND?"
I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.
I WAS LIKE, "COME ON, MAN.
I BROUGHT MY OWN TITTIES.
AND YOU EXPECT ME TO PAY TO SEE
TITTIES, SHOOT?
TITTIES, SHOOT?
I CAN SEE TITTIES FOR FREE
ALL DAY IF I WANT TO.
YEAH, I CAN EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.
YEAH, I CAN EVEN PLAY WITH THEM.
CAN YOU DO THAT IN THERE?
I AIN'T THINK SO.
YOU KNOW, B.Y.O.T., MAN."
YOU KNOW, B.Y.O.T., MAN."
(LAUGHTER)
BUT I AIN'T GONNA LIE TO Y'ALL.
ONCE I GOT INSIDE, AND SAW THOSE
TRIPLE-Gs AND STUFF, I WENT BACK
TRIPLE-Gs AND STUFF, I WENT BACK
AND PAID.
(LAUGHTER)
I WAS LIKE, "OH, OH.
I WAS LIKE, "OH, OH.
I GET IT NOW.
I SEE.
YEAH, THESE ARE PROFESSIONAL
TITTIES IN HERE."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
OH, GOOD LORD, NO, MY TITTIES
COULDN'T DO THAT.
I GUESS IF YOUR TITTIES BIGGER
I GUESS IF YOUR TITTIES BIGGER
THAN YOUR HEAD, THEN, YEAH.
YOU SHOULD BE ABLE TO PAY SOME
BILLS WITH THAT.
BILLS WITH THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S RIGHT.
THERE'S THIS ONE CLUB I WENT TO,
MAN.
THAT WAS THE END OF IT FOR ME.
THAT WAS THE END OF IT FOR ME.
WE WENT TO THIS ONE STRIP CLUB,
MAN.
IT WAS LIKE THE LOWEST, THE MOSNASTIEST--
NASTIEST--
I MEAN, JUST RAW NAKED ASS.
THERE'S NO D.J., NO LIQUOR
LICENSE.
LICENSE.
AND THE GIRLS, THEY DIDN'T EVEN
AND THE GIRLS, THEY DIDN'T EVEN
BOTHER DANCIN'.
THEY JUST STOOD UP THERE.
"LOOK AT IT!
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?
IS THAT WHAT YOU WANT, HUH?
LOOK AT IT!"
(LAUGHTER)
I WAS LIKE, "OH, MY GOD.
I GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE."
I GOTTA GET UP OUTTA HERE."
I'M TRYING TO SNEAK OUT AND ALL.
BUT THE GUYS, THEY WERE JUST IN
THERE LOOKING AT IT.
THERE LOOKING AT IT.
AND IT'S NOT LIKE THEY WERE LIKE
WEIRD LOOKIN' FREAKY GUYS.
WEIRD LOOKIN' FREAKY GUYS.
THEY WERE JUST YOUR REGULAR
AVERAGE LOOKIN' GUY.
BUT THEY JUST NEEDED TO LOOK ABUT THEY JUST NEEDED TO LOOK AIT.
AND THAT'S WHEN I HAD A WHOLE
NEW RESPECT FOR MEN.
I WAS LIKE, BOY, BECAUSE THAI WAS LIKE, BOY, BECAUSE THAMUST BE REALLY HARD BEING A MAN.
YOU KNOW, HAVE THAT THING UP IN
YOUR HEAD MESSIN' WITH YOU ALL
THE TIME.
HOW DO YOU GET ANY WORK DONE?
HOW DO YOU GET ANY WORK DONE?
HOW DO YOU ALL HOLD DOWN JOBS,
MAN?
YOU KNOW, YOU AT WORK, MINDING
YOU KNOW, YOU AT WORK, MINDING
YOUR BUSINESS, AND ALL OF A
SUDDEN THAT THING JUST KICKS IN.
LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.
LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.
(LAUGHTER)
COME ON, MAN.
COME ON, MAN.
WHEN'S THE LAST TIME WE SEEN IT?
LET'S GO LOOK AT IT.
I'M GLAD WOMEN DON'T HAVE ANY
I'M GLAD WOMEN DON'T HAVE ANY
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS LIKE THAT.
BECAUSE WE DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM
FOR 'EM.
WE DON'T HAVE ANY ROOM FOR
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS.
ADDITIONAL THOUGHTS.
THAT'S ALL WOMEN DO IS THINK.
WE ARE THINKERS.
THINK ALL THE TIME.
RIGHT?
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
CAN'T STOP THINKING.
THINK, THINK, THINK.
CAN'T STOP THINKIN'.
LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER REMEMBERED
LADIES, HAVE YOU EVER REMEMBERED
A TIME WHEN YOU HAD A MOMENT OF
SILENCE IN YOUR HEAD?
DOESN'T HAPPEN, DOES IT?
NO.
NO.
ALWAYS THINKING.
SOMETIMES YOU CAN'T EVEN SLEEP,
BECAUSE YOU WON'T SHUT THE HELL
UP.
UP.
YOU IN THE BED AND YOUR MIND
IS JUST RACIN' ABOUT NOTHIN'.
JUST, "MMM, I NEED TO TALK
TO HER TOMORROW, BECAUSE I
DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE SPOKE
DIDN'T LIKE THE WAY SHE SPOKE
TO ME TODAY.
AND I'M NOT GONNA HAVE THIS
UNCOMFORTABLE THING GOING ON
BETWEEN US.
DID I LOCK THE DOOR?
I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THOSE
I SHOULD HAVE BOUGHT THOSE
SHOES.
WHERE'S MY HIGH SCHOOL YEARBOOK?
OOOH, WHAT YOU GONNA HAVE FOR
LUNCH TOMORROW?
MMM, I DON'T KNOW.
MMM, I DON'T KNOW.
WHY YOU THINKING ABOUT LUNCH?
YOU NEED TO HAVE A GOOD
BREAKFAST.
THAT'S WHAT I'M GONNA DO.
I'M GONNA START EVERY MORNING
WITH A GOOD BREAKFAST.
MAYBE I'LL START THAT LOW-CARB
MAYBE I'LL START THAT LOW-CARB
DIET.
THAT SEEMS TO BE WORKING FOR A
LOT OF PEOPLE.
TEACHER'S NAME?
TEACHER'S NAME?
WHAT WAS HER NAME?
MISS JONES.
MISS JENKINS.
WHOO!
IT'S LATE.
IT'S LATE.
I NEED TO BE ASLEEP.
WHAT THE HELL AM I DOIN' UP?
I DON'T KNOW.
LET ME THINK ABOUT IT."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
THAT'S WHY I ENVY MEN.
THAT'S WHY I ENVY MEN.
MAN, I WISH I COULD THINK LIKE
A GUY.
BECAUSE GUYS, THEY DON'T SPEND
ALL THAT TIME, THINKING.
MAN, THEY THINK ABOUT IT,
MAN, THEY THINK ABOUT IT,
THOUGHT ABOUT IT, MOVIN' ON.
THAT'S IT.
THAT'S WHY THEY ENJOY SPORTS.
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOTTA THINK
BECAUSE YOU AIN'T GOTTA THINK
ABOUT IT.
IT'S CUT AND DRY.
EITHER YOU GOT THE BASKET OR YOU
DIDN'T.
EITHER YOU MADE THE TOUCHDOWN
OR YOU DIDN'T.
OR YOU DIDN'T.
IF THERE'S ANY QUESTION ABOUIT, THERE'S A REFEREE RIGHTHERE TO SORT IT ALL OUT FOR
'EM.
'EM.
AFTER FURTHER REVIEW, PLAY
STANDS AS CALLED "TOUCHDOWN".
STOP THINKING.
STOP THINKING.
OKAY, THANK YOU, MAN.
THANK YOU.
WHOO!
I AIN'T GONNA-- OKAY.
NOW, I AIN'T GONNA DO ALL THANOW, I AIN'T GONNA DO ALL THATHINKIN'.
BUT WOMEN-- WOMEN, WE THINK ALL
THE TIME.
THE TIME.
TALK ALL THE TIME.
BUT IT'S SO HARD FOR US TO
ARTICULATE EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT,
ARTICULATE EXACTLY WHAT WE WANT,
WHAT WE NEED, WHAT HOW WE FEEL.
YOU KNOW, HARD FOR US TO BE
DIRECT.
BECAUSE IF WE DO, WE RUN THE
RISK OF BEING CALLED A BITCH.
RIGHT?
SO, WE GOTTA BE A LITTLE TRICKY.
SO, WE GOTTA BE A LITTLE TRICKY.
GOTTA BE A LITTLE SLICK?
INSTEAD OF COMING OUT AND JUSTELLIN' YOU SOMETHING OR ASKIN'
TELLIN' YOU SOMETHING OR ASKIN'
YOU SOMETHING, WE'D RATHER GIVE
YOU A TEST.
OH, WE SOME TESTIN' PEOPLE,
OH, WE SOME TESTIN' PEOPLE,
AREN'T WE?
BOY, SAT'S, THEY AIN'T GONOTHING ON US.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
OH, WOMEN WILL GIVE YOU A TEST,
BOY.
AND, FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW THAT WE
AND, FELLAS, DO YOU KNOW THAT WE
FAIL YOU AT TESTS THAT YOU DON'EVEN KNOW YOU'RE TAKIN'?
EVEN KNOW YOU'RE TAKIN'?
FAILIN' MISERABLY.
GETTIN' A BIG F, AND YOU DON'GETTIN' A BIG F, AND YOU DON'EVEN KNOW THE TEST IS IN
PROGRESS.
HOW UNFAIR IS THAT?
EVERYDAY SIMPLE STUFF, TOO.
EVERYDAY SIMPLE STUFF, TOO.
OKAY, HERE'S THE SITUATION.
GUYS.
SAY YOU GET HOME FIRST, RIGHT,
SAY YOU GET HOME FIRST, RIGHT,
THERE'S A FEW DISHES IN THE
SINK.
YEAH.
YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WASHIN'
YOU DON'T EVEN BOTHER WASHIN'
THE DISHES.
YOU CHILL READING THE PAPER,
WHATEVER.
SHE COMES HOME SEES THE DISHES,
SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE AIN'GONNA SAY ANYTHING.
GONNA SAY ANYTHING.
BUT IT GETS DOWNLOADED.
SHE GONNA CREATE A LITTLE
FOLDER.
FOLDER.
GONNA BE A LITTLE ICON WITH YOUR
FACE ON IT.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
AND IT'S GONNA SAY, "DISHES."
AND SHE-- (BOOP)-- RIGHT UP
THERE.
THERE.
THREE MORE DAYS, AND THAT SAME
MESS GOES ON.
SHE COMES HOME, SEES YOU
CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T GONNA SAY
CHILLIN', SHE AIN'T GONNA SAY
ANYTHING.
THAT FOURTH DAY, SHE COMES HOME,
SEES YOU CHILLIN', SHE GONNA
DOUBLE-CLICK RIGHT ON YOUR FACE.
CLICK-CLICK.
CLICK-CLICK.
(LAUGHTER)
OPEN UP THE FOLDER.
LET ME THINK ABOUT WHAT THIS MAN
IS TRYING TO TELL ME.
IS TRYING TO TELL ME.
WHAT IS THIS MAN TELLIN' ME?
WHAT IS HE SAYIN'?
IS HE TRYIN' TO TELL ME THAT I'M
THE LITTLE DISHWASHER AROUND
HERE?
HERE?
HUH?
IS HE TELLIN' ME THAT WASHIN'
DISHES; THAT'S BENEATH HIM?
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WORK HARD EVERY DAY, TOO.
MAYBE I'D LIKE TO COME HOME TO A
CLEAN SINK, AND GO AHEAD AND
CLEAN SINK, AND GO AHEAD AND
START ME EV-- YOU KNOW WHAT?
I WAS NOT PUT ON THIS EARTH TO
WASH HIS DIRTY DISHES.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I TELL YOU WHAT.
I'M NOT GONNA WASH ANOTHER
DAMN DISH.
(CHEERS AND APPLAUSE)
AND I'M GONNA SEE HOW LONG HE'S
GONNA LET THESE DISHES PILE UP
GONNA LET THESE DISHES PILE UP
BEFORE HE'LL WASH 'EM.
THREE WEEKS GOES BY.
NOW, SHE'S SO PISSED SHE CAN'NOW, SHE'S SO PISSED SHE CAN'EVEN SEE STRAIGHT.
BECAUSE Y'ALL WALKING AROUND
THE HOUSE EATING OFF OF NAPKINS
WITH TOOTHPICKS.
WITH TOOTHPICKS.
(LAUGHTER)
AIN'T A DAMN THING CLEAN IN THE
HOUSE.
HOUSE.
AND, FELLAS, YOU DON'T CARE,
BECAUSE YOU LIKE, SHOOT, THIS IS
HOW I LIVED BEFORE I MET YOUR
ASS.
ASS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
WELCOME TO MY WORLD.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
OH, BUT IT DOESN'T END THERE,
DOES IT?
OH, NO.
UH-UH.
UH-UH.
YOU JUST AT THE GATES OF HELL
RIGHT NOW, FELLAS.
YOU AIN'T IN THE FIRE YET.
NO.
NO.
BECAUSE WITH WOMEN, SOMETHING
THAT WE'RE PISSED ABOUT IN THE
KITCHEN, IT'S GONNA WALK IT'S
WAY RIGHT DOWN THE HALLWAY,
INTO YOUR BEDROOM.
INTO YOUR BEDROOM.
AND GUYS, YOU DON'T KNOW.
YOU HAVE NO IDEA.
SO, YOU GET IN THE BED, TRYING
SO, YOU GET IN THE BED, TRYING
TO BE ALL INTIMATE TRYING TO GEA LITTLE SOMETHING GOING,
YOU KNOW.
DOING YOUR LITTLE POKIN' THING
THERE.
THERE.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU IN THERE BEHAVIN' LIKE AN
YOU IN THERE BEHAVIN' LIKE AN
'A' STUDENT.
DON'T KNOW YOU GOT A BIG-ASS F.
YOU IN THERE POKIN' AND SHE JUSYOU IN THERE POKIN' AND SHE JUSSNAPS ON YOUR ASS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(CHEERING)
(CHEERING)
AND NOW, YOU IN THE BED FELLAS
WITH CRACKED RIBS.
WITH CRACKED RIBS.
SHE DONE KNOCKED YOUR TOOTH
LOOSE.
AND YOU'RE LIKE, "WHAT THE HELL
IS YOUR PROBLEM?
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
WHAT'S WRONG WITH YOU?"
"WHAT, WHAT, WHAT, WHAT...
WHAT IS MY PROBLEM?
WHAT'S MY PROBLEM?
YOU'RE JUST ALL MR. ENERGY
TONIGHT, HUH?
TONIGHT, HUH?
OH, YOU'RE JUST BUBBLING WITH
ENERGY.
YOU'RE IN HERE RUBBING ON ME,
AND TOUCHING MY ASS.
BUT YOU CAN'T WASH A
(BLEEP)-DAMN GLASS?
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHY DON'T I GO SIT IN THE DISH
RACK, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ME THEN,
RACK, SEE IF YOU NOTICE ME THEN,
HUH?"
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
GET OFF OF ME!
WANDA SYKESYOU KNOW WHAT?
WANDA SYKESYOU KNOW WHAT?
I THINK MARRIAGE IS AN
INSTITUTION FOR RAISING
CHILDREN.
THAT'S ABOUT IT.
I DON'T SEE THE OTHER PERKS,
I DON'T SEE THE OTHER PERKS,
MYSELF.
(LAUGHTER)
THAT'S THE ONLY REASON TO GEMARRIED.
WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE SICKLY.
WELL, UNLESS YOU'RE SICKLY.
IF YOU'RE SICKLY, THEN--
YOU KNOW.
(LAUGHTER)
YOU KNOW, GET MARRIED, HAVE
SOMEBODY TAKE CARE OF YOUR
SICK ASS.
YOU KNOW.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
BUT OTHER THAN THAT, IT'S JUSFOR RAISING KIDS.
BECAUSE YOU KNOW WHY?
THIS IS WHAT I BELIEVE.
I THINK WHEN YOU GET MARRIED
YOU'RE GOING INTO BUSINESS
TOGETHER.
YOU'RE DOING-- YOU'RE OPENING
YOU'RE DOING-- YOU'RE OPENING
A BUSINESS, RIGHT?
IN ALL BUSINESS, YOU HAVE TO
HAVE A PRODUCT.
GOTTA PRODUCE SOMETHING.
WHY ARE YOU IN BUSINESS?
WHY ARE YOU IN BUSINESS?
SEE WE WERE MARRIED SEVEN YEARS,
NO KIDS.
SO, WE WENT OUTTA BUSINESS.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
NO INVENTORY.
I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE TO ME
I DIDN'T GET IT 'CAUSE TO ME
IT WAS LIKE THIS.
OKAY.
I WAS TAKING CARE OF MYSELF
BEFORE I MET YOU.
BEFORE I MET YOU.
YOU WERE TAKING CARE OF YOURSELF
BEFORE YOU MET ME.
LET'S JUST CONTINUE DOWN THIS
SAME PATH.
YOU KNOW, LET'S BE TOGETHER
SEPARATELY.
THAT WAS WORKING FOR ME.
THAT WAS WORKING FOR ME.
BUT HE WOULD COME HOME AND JUSSTAY STUFF TO ME THAT I JUSDIDN'T UNDERSTAND.
HE WOULD WALK IN THE DOOR--
"AH, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"
"AH, WHAT'S FOR DINNER?"
"I DON'T KNOW, WHAT'D YOU COOK?"
(LAUGHTER)
I ATE ALREADY.
I ATE ALREADY.
I'M"--
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
HE WOULD ACTUALLY SAY STUFF LIKE
THAT.
HE ACTUALLY SAID THIS ONE TIME.
"I'M ALL OUTTA CLEAN UNDERWEAR."
"I'M ALL OUTTA CLEAN UNDERWEAR."
"OOH, YOU NEED TO WASH.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
I DID MY LAUNDRY YESTERDAY.
I GOT A DRAWER FULL OF CLEAN
PANTIES.
LOOK AT THERE.
LOOK AT THERE.
YOU'RE WELCOME TO BORROW A PAIR
TO TIDE YOU OVER IF YOU LIKE."
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
RAISING KIDS, MAN.
AND I GET ASKED THAT A LOT, TOO.
AND I GET ASKED THAT A LOT, TOO.
PEOPLE SAY, "WELL, DON'T YOU
REGRET NOT HAVING KIDS?"
AND I GO, "NOT REALLY."
AND THEN IF THEY KEEP ASKING,
AND THEN IF THEY KEEP ASKING,
I ALWAYS SAY THIS.
"WELL, YOU KNOW, MAYBE ONE DAY
I'LL ADOPT."
I'LL ADOPT."
BUT I DON'T MEAN THAT.
I DON'T.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
IT'S JUST SOMETHING I SAY
TO MAKE ME SOUND LIKE A NICER
PERSON, THAT'S ALL.
PERSON, THAT'S ALL.
I DON'T MEAN THAT.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
I GUESS THE WHOLE THING WITH
KIDS, TOO, I DON'T REALLY THINK
ABOUT NOT HAVING KIDS 'CAUSE
ABOUT NOT HAVING KIDS 'CAUSE
I DON'T HEAR THE CLOCK TICKING.
TO ME, THE CLOCK STOPPED AT 26.
YEAH, THIS WHOLE AGING PROCESS
YEAH, THIS WHOLE AGING PROCESS
IS MESSING WITH ME, MAN, 'CAUSE
I STILL FEEL AND THINK THE SAME
WAY I DID WHEN I WAS 26.
YOU KNOW, SO I FEEL 26.
ESPECIALLY AFTER I HAVE A FEW
DRINKS.
OH, BOY.
OH, BOY.
THEN IT REALLY KICKS IN, RIGHT?
'CAUSE, BOY, YOU HAVE A FEW
DRINKS, BOY, YOU FEEL SEXY,
DON'T YOU?
I'M SAYING-- "I KNEW I WAS 26.
I'M SAYING-- "I KNEW I WAS 26.
I'M--
(LAUGHTER)
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LYING-ASS
I DON'T KNOW WHAT THAT LYING-ASS
CALENDAR WAS TALKING ABOUT.
I'M 26."
RIGHT?
'CAUSE YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOU
DRINK, DON'T YOU?
WHOO, YOU FEEL SEXY WHEN YOU
DRINK.
YOU KNOW, YOU'RE DRINKING,
FEELING SEXY.
AT THE BAR, TALKING TRASH.
THEN YOU GO TO THE LADIES' ROOM,
AND YOU CHECK YOURSELF OUT IN
AND YOU CHECK YOURSELF OUT IN
THE MIRROR.
YOU'RE LIKE, "YEAH.
DANG."
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
"YOU'S A SEXY BITCH.
(LAUGHTER)
"YOU LITTLE SEXY--
"YOU LITTLE SEXY--
I'D (BLEEP) YOU.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
WHOO!
YOU HOT."
FEEL SEXY, MAN.
FEEL SEXY, MAN.
ME AND MY FOUR GIRLFRIENDS--
WE WENT DOWN TO SOUTH BEACH.
MAN, HANGING OUT IN MIAMI IN
MAN, HANGING OUT IN MIAMI IN
SOUTH BEACH DRINKING.
WITH OUR LITTLE THONG BIKINIS
ON, LETTING IT ALL HANG OUT.
FEELING SEXY.
FEELING 26.
UNTIL SOME REAL 26 YEAR OLDS
UNTIL SOME REAL 26 YEAR OLDS
WALKS BY.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
I'LL PUT THAT DOWN.
I'LL PUT THAT DOWN.
(LAUGHTER CONTINUES)
PASS ME MY SURRONG.
PASS ME MY SURRONG.
IT GOT WINDY OUT HERE, DIDN'IT GOT WINDY OUT HERE, DIDN'IT?
A LITTLE 26 YEAR-OLD WIND
JUST WHIPPED RIGHT THROUGH HERE,
DIDN'T IT?
DIDN'T IT?
WANDA SYKESSEE, WOMEN LOVE
FEELING SEXY.
WOMEN LOVE FEELING SEXY.
MEN LIKE HAVING SEX.
MEN LIKE HAVING SEX.
THERE'S A BIG DIFFERENCE.
SEE, MEN DON'T UNDERSTAND THAFEELING SEXY AND NOT HAVING
FEELING SEXY AND NOT HAVING
SEX--
THAT DON'T MAKE ANY SENSE
TO THEM.
THEY LIKE-- WAIT A MINUTE.
YOU FEEL SEXY, BUT YOU DON'YOU FEEL SEXY, BUT YOU DON'WANT TO HAVE SEX.
(LAUGHTER)
(LAUGHTER)
(APPLAUSE)
(APPLAUSE)
WELL, THAT'S JUST IMPOSSIBLE.
I DON'T--
THAT MAKES ABSOLUTELY NO SENSE.
'CAUSE GUYS--
'CAUSE GUYS--
THEY'RE LIKE--
YOU CAN'T FEEL ANY SEXIER WHEN
YOU'RE HAVING SEX.
THAT'S THE EPITOME OF FEELING
THAT'S THE EPITOME OF FEELING
SEXY.
THE GUYS--
GUYS ARE LIKE "BABY, YOU JUSDON'T KNOW HOW SEXY YOU LOOK IN
THAT DOGGY POSITION.
THAT DOGGY POSITION.
NOW I'M GONNA TELL YOU,
I'VE NEVER SEEN YOU SO SEXY.
AND THE WAY THE LIGHT FROM THE
AND THE WAY THE LIGHT FROM THE
TV HITS THE SIDE OF YOUR FACE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
OH, BABY!
IT'S SO SEXY.
IT'S SO SEXY.
BUT I DON'T BLAME GUYS THOUGH.
BUT I DON'T BLAME GUYS THOUGH.
'CAUSE WHEN YOU JUST GO LOOK ATHE ACT OF SEX, GUYS GOT IMADE.
Y'ALL REALLY DO.
LOOK AT THAT.
EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX, MAN,
EVERY TIME YOU HAVE SEX, MAN,
YOU'RE GONNA COMPLETE THE ACEVERY TIME.
LOOK AT THAT.
FOR GUYS, SEX IS LIKE GOING TO A
FOR GUYS, SEX IS LIKE GOING TO A
RESTAURANT AND NO MATTER WHAYOU ORDER OFF THAT MENU,
YOU WALK OUT OF THERE GOIN'
"DAMN, THAT WAS GOOD.
WHOO!
WHOO!
WHAT IS THE HELL?
AH, SHE PUT SOMETHIN' SPECIAL ON
THAT.
THAT.
MY COMPLIMENTS TO THE CHEF.
GOOD LORD, THAT WAS TASTY.
I WANT TO EAT HERE THREE, FOUR
I WANT TO EAT HERE THREE, FOUR
TIMES A DAY.
I LOVE THIS.
(LAUGHTER)
SEE, BUT WOMEN, IT DON'T WORK
SEE, BUT WOMEN, IT DON'T WORK
LIKE THAT FOR US.
FOR WOMEN, WE GO TO THE
FOR WOMEN, WE GO TO THE
RESTAURANT, YOU KNOW, YOU ORDER
SOMETHING.
SOMETIMES IT'S GOOD.
SOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SEND ISOMETIMES YOU GOTTA SEND IBACK.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT GET FOOD
SOMETIMES YOU MIGHT GET FOOD
POISONING.
SEE?
BUT YOU HAVE THOSE HIT AND
BUT YOU HAVE THOSE HIT AND
MISSES.
YOU GONNA SKIP A FEW MEALS,
RIGHT?
OR "I'M NOT HUNGRY TODAY.
YOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUYOU KNOW, I WAS THINKING ABOUSTARTING MY FAST.
I THINK IT'S A GOOD TIME."
OR YOU MIGHT GO "YOU KNOW,
OR YOU MIGHT GO "YOU KNOW,
I THINK I'M GONNA COOK FOR
MYSELF TODAY.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
SOMETHING ABOUT THE WAY I COOK.
IT'S ALWAYS FILLING.
MY COOKING STICKS TO YOUR RIBS.
I JUST LOVE THE WAY I COOK.
I JUST LOVE THE WAY I COOK.
AND YOU KNOW WHAT?
I'M A FAST COOK.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
I'M GONNA TELL YOU.
I CAN WHIP 'EM UP.
TIME IT TAKES YOU TO DO ONE MEAL
I CAN MAKE THREE.
I CAN MAKE THREE.
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
BUT GUYS, EVERY TIME, MAN.
BUT GUYS, EVERY TIME, MAN.
THAT IS AMAZING.
'CAUSE WOMEN, WE GOT TO GET IN
'CAUSE WOMEN, WE GOT TO GET IN
THE MIDDLE OF IT BEFORE WE
FIGURE OUT IF THE TRAIN'S GONNA
PULL INTO THE STATION OR NOT,
RIGHT?
WE DO.
WE DO.
AND THEN GUYS WONDER WHY WE
FAKE IT.
IT'S CALL "TIME MANAGEMENT".
IT'S CALL "TIME MANAGEMENT".
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
(LAUGHTER AND APPLAUSE)
AIN'T NO NEED TO BE UP ALL NIGHWORKING ON SOMETHING WHEN I KNOW
THERE HAS BEEN A DERAILMENT DOWN
THE ROAD.
THE ROAD.
I DON'T NEED TO BE UP ALL NIGHWORKING ON SOMETHING I KNOW
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
AIN'T GONNA HAPPEN.
YOU JUST CUTTIN' INTO MY SLEEP
TIME NOW.
SHOOT.
I'M TRYING TO DO US BOTH A
FAVOR.
FAVOR.
EVERY WOMAN HAS BEEN IN THASITUATION.
HE'S WORKING HARD TRYIN' TO MAKE
IT HAPPEN.
IT HAPPEN.
YOU ALREADY KNOW IT AIN'T GONNA
HAPPEN.
AND YOU GLANCE OVER AT THE
CLOCK.
YOU LIKE "SHOOT.
YOU LIKE "SHOOT.
IT'S 1:30 IN THE MORNING.
AND I GOT TO GET UP AT SIX.
1:30, 2:30, 3:30 4:30...
1:30, 2:30, 3:30 4:30...
"AH, THE HELL WITH THIS.
"AH, THE HELL WITH THIS.
OH, YES!
WHOO!
OH, YES, BABY!
WHOO!
WHOO!
OH!
OH, HERCULES, HERCULES,
HERCULES.
THANK YOU ALL.
CAPTIONING MADE POSSIBLE BY
COMEDY CENTRAL.
COMEDY CENTRAL.
CAPTIONED BY
mCCaptioning Services.