Watching the Detectives (2007) Movie Script
1
[footsteps]
[footstep continues]
[screaming]
No.
Please.
Bang!
Nice shot, lover. What was that for?
This was due back last Thursday.
And besides, he forgot to rewind.
Gumshoe Video.
If we don't have it, we'll hit
the pavement looking for it.
[crowd cheering and applauding]
Wow, this is amazing.
I don't really knowwhere to begin.
[gasps]
I told myself I wouldn't cry.
Um... no, seriously, I haveso
many people to thank...
I would just like tostart by saying...
[ads playing]it's you
guys that make this...
[crowd booing]
[crowd screaming]Stop!
Guys, can someone...
[crowd yelling]
[ads playing]Media Giant.
[Buddy] It's horrible.
It's okay.
I know I can't compete withthese big
guys, but as long asl have you guys...
my small and loyal followingof geeks
and weirdoes, I know I'll be alright.
Everyone, have some more beer!
Oh, and stick around, because later on...
we are gonna have a specialmidnight
screening ofa 1949 classic She-Gorilla.
Yes!
That's right.
[girl] Yeah!
Alright.
[people chatting]
How was that, man?
You're not supposed toshow ads
for two differentvideo stores...
during the samecommercial break, alright?
Who cares? When is the show again?
Oh my god, 3:12 a.m.
[illegible] God damn thing.
Those are your people.
Who? Scottish people?-Hmm-hmm.
No, no, no, the freaks.
They're up all night, sniffingglue, watching
competitivejump rope on ESPN for women.
Those are the peoplekeeping
you in business.
Yeah, you know, you're
right.-I know I'm right.
All I'm saying is I love
Neilas much as everyone.
But it was basically a rip offof
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.
[woman chuckles]
Well, it was.-Thanks, man.
I would've done somethingmore deconstructive,
likevideotape actual video tape.
The commercial was
dynamite.-Great, thanks.
And Denise was great. Where is she?
I guess she didn't show it. She thinks
this whole thingis a little stupid.
What?-Yeah.
You okay?-I'm alright.
Alright, see you guys,
bye bye.-Alright, bye.
Have fun tonight, alright?
[Marcia] I cannot
believeDenise didn't show.
[Neil sobbing]
[baby crying]
[Neil] Hey, I'm just
kidding, I'm just kidding.
[baby crying]
Great.-[Neil] I'm just kidding.
Hey, man, come here.
What's up?
Hey, you see that girl?
Um, can you spill water on her?
[giggles]Like on her tits?
No, uh... in her lap.
Alright.-Alright.
Wait.
Alright.
Here.
Don't insult me.
[woman screaming][waiter]
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
[screaming continues][waiter] I'm so
terribly sorry. I'm so horribly sorry.
Awfully sorry.-[woman]
You should be sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.
Hey.-Hey.
Sorry, I'm late.-Never mind.
Guess that's what happens whenyou
turn into a big TV star.
[chuckles]
Oh, what happened withyour dress?
Oh, yeah, it's nothing.
Again, I'm really sorry.
Uh... Denise, do you thinkyou're a
little hard onthat waiter before?
Neil, what do you get out ofhiring some goon
to throwa pitcher of water in my face...
while you hide...-It's not a pitcher.
While you werehiding in the bushes.
You are not sitting in front ofsome movie, you
are acting outsome immature little game...
if you want this to work,
you'll have to grow up.
Or we could just break up.
What?
Wait a minute, I came here to tell
youto get your shit together...
you can't turn this
intobreaking up with me.
Here we are.
I don't believe this.
The next thing you're gonnasay
is, "It's not you, it's me".
No, it's definitely you.
See you're not enough likeKatharine Ross
in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
I don't know what that means.
She was so supportive, she didn't
make Paul Newmanfeel stupid.
She went along with it.
Well, you know what, Neil? You can't go
long with someonewho's going nowhere...
someone who runs a shitty littlevideo
store that doesn't evenmake any money...
and spends his days hangingaround a bunch
of dorks talkingabout the Seventh Seal.
No, hey, you likedthe Seventh Seal.
I was faking it, you sucker.
Oh, this is Burgman?
The imagery is so powerful! What a genius!
I'm so happyyou made me watch this.
Hmm!
[Neil] I can't keep sponsoringMonday
nights at the club, man.
Come on.-I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I'm getting killedon Mondays, dude.
Nobody comes out to seethese local bands.
These are shitty bands, man.
Who the hell wants to watcha bunch of
high school metalheads with names like...
shit and bricksand Trojan whores.
Trojan whores?-Yeah.
I like that.
I don't know. You gotta help me out, dude.
You got help me out. I'm taking
a bathon these live shows.
I can't even afford new
uniformswith a soccer ball team.
The other teams arelaughing at us.
It's a total joke.
Shit.-I know.
[ads playing]
Oh, I love this, check out this entrance.
[ads playing]
[TV] What a sucker!
[door bangs]
[TV] You did a very good job yourself,
you didn't need too much of my help.
No, I don't mind. I'm in
the video storeright now.
No, it's one of thoselittle shitty ones.
[TV] Yeah, and wouldn't
that break your heart?
What do you think aboutThe
City of Lost Children?
Excellent film by the same
guywho made Delicatessen.
I'm on the phone, actually.
What's Casino?
To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it.
It's basically a poor man'sgood
fellas bet in Vegas.
Hang on, I'm, I'm... still on the phone.
So which one should I rent?
So which one do you recommend?
[sighs][bangs]
All of a sudden, you're mute?
Oh, oh... I take it
you'retalking to me now.
Who else would I be talking to?
[chuckles]
It's for a friend who'sat home
sick, which onedo you recommend?
What's the matterwith your friend?
Why?
If your friend's got stomach fluand he's
running to thebathroom every five minutes...
then I'd go for this one.
But if your friend is in
somekind of medication like...
You know what, just surprise me.
This one.
Great, uh... so how does this work?
What do you mean?
I've never been toone of these places.
You never rented a movie?
I've been to a movie, does that count?
Okay, let's start you offwith a membership.
You know what, I knew it
wassome kind of racket.
No, not really, you need togive me your
driver's licenseand I'll give you a membership.
I don't have a driver's license.
How do you get around?-I get around.
Okay, well, I can't give youa membership
until you giveme a driver's license.
Hmm, how about a cash deposit?
I'll give you 20 bucks.
What? 20 bucks?-Yeah,
20 American Dollars.
You know, these are all
typesyou kind of hard to...
Alright, I'll give you 50 bucksand I don't
want to hearanything more about it.
Fifty it is.
Lucky for you, I saw my pimp today.
Oh, ah, Fletch, right?
No, his name is Donald.
Well, that's it. That's all I've got.
Don't blow it all
oncigarettes and toilet wine.
[both chuckle]
It'll be right here.-Alright.
Great.
[Neil whistling]
[commentator speaking]
[commentator continues speaking]
[people cheering in TV]
It makes no sense that zombieseat, they are
dead, they haveno digestive system that works.
But they need people's brainsin order
to continue to livein the undead world.
Yes.-How come they never puke?
Their insides are full of puke.
I still don't understand
whyzombies have to eat people.
Why don't they justgo into restaurants?
Absolutely.-It doesn't make sense.
They need to eat brains.
But they are already dead.
I understand them killing peopleripping them
apart because theyare angry that they are dead.
[Neil] Hi!
Hi.-Hi.
You like the movie?
Um... yeah.
Cool.
We made ithalf way through, huh?
Um... yeah.
You want to see something cool?-Sure.
Watch this. Hey, guys, guys, here!
Hey.
Okay, okay.
She stopped it when Clancy
isfollowing the professor.
My love, don't embarrassthe family.
It's clearly, the race track scene.
Please, she obviously stoppedwhere the
goons jump Clancyback at his apartment.
Hmm.
You're on crack.
This movie is stoppedat the
scene in the night club.
Just as Baxter... depending
on the tracking...
just when he confesseskilling the Gypsy.
That's crazy.
Why would anyone stop at
justwhen he's about to confess?
[laughing]
You're right.
Precisely, hey, she wouldn't.She would
be dying to knowwho killed the Gypsy.
Until I put it to you,
ladies and gentleman...
that she fell asleep beforethe
Gypsy was murdered.
And then she woke upin
the nightclub scene...
and then not being able toappreciate the
ironic tragedyof Baxter having to murder...
the only person who couldgot him
out of the hook, she shut it off.
I don't know, put it in.
He seems a little...
[woman grunts]Let's see.
[TV playing]
[characters speaking]What's
wrong with that?
- Will you cut that music out!
- Cut out the rest of the fuss!
Why did you kill her?
[laughing and applauding]
Cool... but scary.
Listen, I'm still gonna haveto
charge you full price...
even though you onlywatched
half the movie, sorry.
Uh... guys, did anyonetake an envelope
fromunderneath the register...
written on itwas nothing at all?
You wrote the words, "nothing
at all", on the envelope?
I don't evenunderstand the question.
[Marcia] Yeah, I'm confused.
No?-No.
Looks like I have mislaidyour deposit.
I'm sorry.
This is where you offer me
50dollars' worth of movie rental.
It's a pretty good idea.
You know what, no offense, but I
don't think I'm reallygonna use it.
You get a lot of goodmovies for 50 dollars.
Or you could just take me
outto a 50-dollar dinner.
Oh.
Well, I could just use thecash
as well, just the cash.
No, no, no.
That's a great idea.
I can write it offas a business dinner.
[chuckles]
Uh... tonight?
Sure.
Do you know a placecalled Lightsides?
Hmm.-Alright.
I'll see you there at eight.
Deal.-Cool.
Uh, Violet.-Oh, Neil.
[both chuckling]
[woman laughing]
She asked me.
Hey, when your done fuckingthe customers,
want to playTrivia Pursuit with us?
No, thank you.
[TV playing]
[Neil whistling]
Hi.
Ha-ha.-Well, well, well.
Look who decide to
finallyshow up for a date.
Uh, I'm only three minutes late.
We're on a business trip.
I gotta tell you though,
it's a hell of a happy hour.
[tapping on the couch]
They got the best goddamnpeanuts in town.
What?-Peanuts, P-E-A-nuts.
Oh, alright.-Peanuts.
I guess you'vebeen here a while.
Okay, enough with the chitchat.
You gonna take me backto
your place or what?
Uh, you know my car is rightoutside, I can give
you a ride, or maybe I can call you a cab?
What do you think?-You sure
you don'twanna take me home?
Hmm...-Neil, look at me...
I'm wasted.-Yeah.
I mean, like shootinga fish in a barrel.
[Violet laughing]
Uh, you know, Violet? I think you are very
attractive. Really, you're very attractive.
But come on, I mean, what
kindof guy would I be if I...
take you homeand take advantage of you.
[Neil whispers] You know?
So...-You're such a nice guy, Neil.
I'm gonna cry.
It's just really refreshingto meet
such a decentperson these days.
Vodka and soda.
Um...
I'll have the screwdriver.
I thought there'llalways be a market...
a group of customerswho needed
somethinga little more personal...
and a little more intimate?
Sure.
Plus, most of these big storesdon't have more
than a few Altmovies, hardly any B movies...
Sci-fi, Neway, forget about it.
That's a bummer.
I know.
Plus, I find out there's gonnabe another Media
Giant storeopening at least a mile away.
Did they send over a bunch ofguys in suits with
cash in theirbriefcases try to buy you out?
No, I'm not really a threat,
they don't need to buy me out.
Goons with crowbars?-Um, no.
No?
No goons so far.
Um, I guess we've eaten almost50
dollars' worth of food?
Alright.-Ah...
Not so fast, big boy, you
owe me a 50-dollar dinner.
I put my own tally in...
that'd be about...
[machine clicks]
About 37 bucks.
Um, I'll have a brownie Sundaeand
a cup of coffee and...
right, a piece of key-lime pie.
So, what are we gonna doabout
that big video store?
I mean, I assumed that everybodywould
feel the same waythat I felt, you know?
But no, no, no, no.
Most people just want to get intheir cars,
they want to driveto the local store and...
rent the latest disastermovie, you know?
Well, there's not many peoplejust wanna come
in and havea leisurely stroll around...
maybe talk about cool break,
shoot the shit... No!
Sis.
[TV] Media Giant online, renting your
favorite new releases as easy as watching.
Um, which version of thelnvasion of the
Body Snatchers would you recommend...
the 1956 version, or the 1978 version?
We're closing in a few minutes.
Psst! Sh-ht!
[whispers] Come here!
[Violet] Hurry!
Uh... so what's in your mind?
After he leaves, we'll go outand switch the
DVDs so thatthey are all in the wrong boxes.
That could take all night.
It'll only a take a second tothrow a
rock throughthe window, smart guy.
[laughing]
[DVD boxes click]
Fancy, put somethingreally dirty in here.
Alright.
Here you go.
[unintelligible]
Here.
So we never really... got
to talk aboutyou so much...
what is that you do?
Hmm, I'm looking forsomething I like.
Alright, what was your last job?
Doing a little this, a little that.
Uh-uh, and... what is it,
you know, you want to do?
I don't know, have younever noticed how
smalljobs get boring pretty quick?
Yeah, yeah.
I would totally hire you, you know,
if you didn'tfuck up my inventory.
[Violet laughing]
Could I have a disc?
[police car siren]
Shh!
[siren continues]
Good idea!
[screams]
[alarm ringing]
[both gasping]
Oh my god, I thinkl'm
having a heart attack.
My stomach.
Silent alarm? I can afford a
silent alarm, forget about it.
Why did I eat all that dessert?
That was fun.
Yeah, it wasn't badfor a Tuesday.
Um, so, if we can get back tothe
car, can I give you a lift?
No, you go, I think we've got
tosplit up for the night.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I'm just gonna lay low tillthe
heat dies out, you know?
What? Just gonna hang in the yard?
I don't know, there's probablya
Frisbee around here somewhere.
I'll be fine.
What are you doing?
Look at that, whole new guy.
Just remember, if they catch
you, deny everything.
Alright.
Oh, Neil, you certainly give
mea lot to think about.
I'll never rent fromthat video store again.
Tell me about it.
Not just because they almostcertainly
have our picturebehind the counter...
[Neil] Alright, well... why?-Ah!
[Violet] Hey, Neal.
Neal, psst, hey, you.
Yeah?
[Violet whispers]We forgot
the goodnight kiss.
I mean, you know, if you
wantedthe goodnight kiss.
Yeah, sure.
Um...
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
[kissing]
[Violet] Okay. I'll catch you later.
Okay.
Tell you what, man, that was the
weirdestfirst date I'd ever had.
Yeah, sounds to me like thatchick's
cookoo for coco puffs.
I mean, did she havea tendency
to mutterthings loud to herself?
No.
Alright, then she's not schizophrenic.
Did she have wild mood swings?
No, she was prettyconsistently out there.
Alright, then she's not bipolar.
Does she have an unusualtendency
to count things?
Um, well, she did get a
bitobsessed about the bill.
Yeah, but I mean, did she touchthe bill
a lot, touch a lotdoorknobs, OCD style?
No.
Are we gonna play this game,
or you just list off...
every diagnosis just to showme how
much you knowabout psychology?
I'm pretty surethe girl isn't crazy?
Yeah, okay. You're gonna
go outwith her again?
I don't know, I don't havea number
and I don't knowwhere she lives.
You gotta Google her ass.
That's what you gotta do.
I don't know her last name.-[man] Hello?
Oh, customer, I got
it.-Alright, thanks, man.
Sorry.
Hey.-Hey.
I went inside to look for
you, but you weren't there.
The store was totally empty, it was creepy.
I thought maybe you're
havingthose promotional deals...
like you are in a special
postapocalyptic movies or something.
Nah, I was just passing time.
Yeah?-Yeah.
Nice. Hey, do you knowhow
to "dunk slam" it?
Yeah, I've been knownto
"dunk slam" in my day.
Ah, nice steal.
I want to learn how to do it.
Okay, first of all, it's
called a "slam dunk".
Yeah?
Wow![wall bangs]
You hear that?
You gotta take these things inbaby steps,
today, you'll learnthat it's called a slam...
Oh shit!
Dunk.-This one'sfor all the marvels...
the world finals. Five,
four, three, two, one!
Yes!
God's will! God's will!
Well, the ball has to be in
theair when the clock runs out...
you count down the clock, and then
you jump, so the game's over.
I'm pretty sure it's the player, as long as the
player's in theair when the time runs out.
Uh, no, it's the ball.
I'm pretty sure it's the player.
It's the ball.
Um, but you can comedown now if you want.
No, you come up here.
It's nice, you'll like it.
Aren't your hands killing you?
Yeah.
Wanna go pool hopping?
Uh, no.
[laughs]
You carry binoculars?
Oh, yeah, you'll be surprisedhow
often these babiescome in handy.
People are doing all sorts ofnasty
things in privacyof their homes.
Seems unfair we shouldn'tget
a peek at it, right?
Looks like the manager issaying they
still can't findanything missing.
And the cop is saying maybethey are
just some kidshaving some fun.
And the manager's saying thatfrom the
security tape theydon't look like kids.
Although the female
cooperatorseems quite fetching.
I suppose she could pass as
acollege student in a TV show.
And the cop is like, "yeah, she was quite
beautiful in aunique and fascinating way..."
almost like the sunriseon a misty morning".
Is this how most people getcaught
coming back to the scene?
I have an idea, let's goto
my store and watch a movie.
Oh, always with the movies... that's
the differencebetween you and me...
I like you, Neil, but clearlyyou sit
around and you'recontent to just watch...
and me, I have tobe doing something.
I'm perfectly aware right nowwhat I'm
doing is sittingaround watching...
so don't botherpointing out the irony.
Huh-huh.
Don't get me wrong, last night
was veryvery exciting...
and I guess this isexciting too...
and given that we're definitelygonna
get busted sitting here, but...
can we just go?
Hmm, okay.
So where did you grow up?
Alaska, and Stockholmand Cape
Town, but mostly Tasmania.
Wow, that sounds incredibly...-Exciting?
I was just gonna say made up?
So where did you go to school?
A mystery schoolfor young women.
[chuckles]
Hmm, that sounds hot.
Oh, yeah.
We all wore baby doll pyjamasand
we had pillow fightsevery night.
And when Ms. Stern caught us, She
doused us all with baby oil.
Terrific.
Terrific.
So do you live around here?-No.
Oh.-What?
Did you think we're going backto my place?
Slow down, Casanova.
No, I was just hoping to getsome confirmation
that youactually live around here.
I can't shake off the feelingthat you're just
blowing throughthe town like a carnival.
Well, I can't give my addressout to
anybody, I'm sureyou'll understand.
Huh-huh.
Well.
I gotta go do some stuff.
OK, well, thanks for stopping
bymaybe you'll stop by again.
Nah.
Actually, I'm ready to
giveyou my phone number.
Cool.
I want you to be very
carefulwith this number, Neil.
Sure, I'll memorize the numberAnd
eat the paper, how does that sound?
I wouldn't recommend it.
It's scented note paper.
You'd be better offflushing
it down to the toilet.
Okay, I wasn't actually gonna
dothat, but sure, I'll flush it.
You are a sweet heart.
[Lucien] Neil, what're you gonnado
when this place goes tits up?
[Neil] I don't think it's
gonnahappen for a few years...
not until people can getany movie
they want to, directly in a TV set...
and I'm dead meat.
You should go back to school.
I mean, look at me. I have absolutely
noconcept of the real world.
Hmm.
I think you need to find a wayto
supplement your business.
You gotta turn this
placeinto a single's club.
People come in here, they tellyou
their favorite movies...
and you match them upwith the
perfect mateusing that information.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
You can charge woman 100 bucks.
And no matter what theytell you,
you just give themmy phone number.
If I set you up with someonewho
likes Ben Affleck...
you'd throw her outof a moving car.
I don't know. Is she cute?
[John] Alright, this iswhat you gotta do?
You gotta turn this place intoa late night
underground casino. Make some cash!
Lots of towns have thesesecret
gambling clubs...
places making like50 grand a night.
Right, but if it's a secret,
how do people know to come?
Uh, good question.
You let it leak outthrough word of mouth.
Well, then it's not a secretanymore
and thenyou get busted.
That's why you have secretpassword,
something likeice station zebra or rosebud.
No, no, no. You can't say rosebud,
you'll ruin citizen Kane.
No, you don't, the only wayyou ruin citizen
Kane is youtell people rose bud is a sled.
Rosebud is a sled?
Yes, it's a sled, it's the last shot out
of... what film school do you go to?
How do you let people knowwhat
the secret password is?
You let it leak outwhat the password is.
It's a secret.-Yeah.
Then it's not a secret,
then you get busted.
He's right.-I think
you're over-analyzing.
You can't have a secret...-I
know you're over-analyzing.
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm looking for
Neil Louis, the guy who owns this place.
That's him.-That's the guy.
That's me.
I'm Detective Lowenstein,
this is Detective Barlow.
We were wondering if we
couldhave a word with you.
Oh, sure.
Um, you want tocome into my office?
[Neil] Guys, can youhold
down the fort?-Yeah.
You see that?
And you thought we don't
livein a totalitarian society.
All you have to do is evenmention
opening upa secret gambling joint...
the cops crack down.
Shut up.
What can I do for you, fellas?
So you ownand operate this store.
Yes, I do.
And you havejust this one store.
Yes.
So it must reallybe tough for you...
with these big franchise videostores bringing
up every day, must really tick you off...
These big guys drivingyou out of business?
What's the dealwith the old costumes?
Oh, those... I use themfor promotions...
if we were doing any specialon classic
horror films, I'll dress up as [illegible]
I think you like to play
games, you little cock sucker.
We're not gonna beataround
the bush, Mr. Louis.
We know that you vandalizedthe Media
Giant video storeon Tuesday night.
You're in a shitloadtrouble, shitface.
You're actually ina very
fortunate situation.
The person we're more
interestedin is your accomplice.
My accomplice?
No, I mean...
Alright, cut themealy mouth act, shithead.
We want to talk about the girl.
We're willing to let
youslide on this thing...
if you can just tell uswhere
we can find the girl.
Why? I mean I barely know here. How
come you guysare looking for her?
You don't ask thegoddamn question!
We ask the goddamn questions!
You don't need to knowwhat
she did, Mr. Louis.
What you need is tell
uswhere we can locate her.
Okay. I don't knowwhere she lives, I swear.
You obviously have some
wayof contacting her.
A phone number, maybe.
No, no, she didn't give meany number.
Alright, enough with this shit.
You're gonna tell us whereto find the girl,
or the onlycostume you'll be wearing...
is this one!
What are you doing?
You know goddamn wellwhat I'm doing.
Oh, yeah, I think you know.
Alright, back off!
This is mine!-I tried.
Here he comes. Do it.
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
[laughing]
I owe you guys so big!
[laughing continues]
I met Tony at a Karaoke barand
Rick is my next doorneighbor.
Don't they look like cops?
[laughing]
Oh, come on. You cannot be mad about that.
Are you kidding me?
I thought I was going to jail, I
thought I was gonnalose the store.
Wasn't it wild?-I thought that
guy was gonnado something to me.
You thought hewas gonna bugger you.
[laughing]
Jesus Christ.
But you didn't givethem my phone number...
even though you thought
youwere gonna get buggered.
I didn't actually thinkhe's
gonna really bugger me.
The whole good cop bad coproutine
was a littleover the top.
You were so brave.
[Violet chuckles]
I gotta go homeand do some stuff.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I don't know, I'll probablyspend
some time in the store.
I'll come visit you.
You can teach me the differencebetween
thrillers and chillers.
[Violet laughing]
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.-Hey.
Can you watch the storefor a while?
Could we order a pizza?-No.
Then yes, I will watch.
Alright.
Neil!-Neil, hi, cutie.
What are you doing?
This is good, you can
settlean argument for us.
It's not really an argument.
It's a differenceof opinion anyway.
Okay, what is it?
What's happening? Where are you going?
What are you doing?
I'm following a girl, okay?
It is important. What's up?
I think the baby should wearsunglasses so
he doesn'tstare at the sun and go blind.
And you think that's stupid.
Yes, I do, I think it's stupid.
Why would a baby stareat the sun?
Why wouldn't a baby stareat the sun? He
is a baby, he doesn't know any better.
Get down, get down, get down.
[kid giggling]
You're killing me, buddy.
A baby wouldn't stare at the sunany more
then it would holdhis breath and drop dead.
Thank you.
Is this whatmarried life is like?
[cats mewing]
[Violet] Kitties.
There you go.
Ha!-Fuck!
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
I'm sorry.
You'd be a lousy spy, Neil.
Oh, no, I wasn't.I wasn't spying.
You know, I'm totallycool with...
the cats and everything.
I totally understand.
You know, wipe that lookof pity
off your faceit's not my house.
My place is a dump, but it's
a step upfrom this place.
Oh.-I'll be right out.
Okay. Okay.
I sneak over every now and thento make sure
Mrs. Calmandoesn't forget to feed them.
I have this fear that I'llwalk in one day
and they'll beeating her fingers and toes.
[Neil] Yeah.
I should have known it wasn'tyour
place when I sawthat TV set.
I have a TV set, look.
Oh.
Do you ever think that if yougot a real TV
set so that youwouldn't feel the need...
to go around playingall these adventures?
Hmm.
I like to think that becausel lead a life
of adventurethat I don't need a TV set.
Besides, what has televisionsgot
that I haven't got?
Game shows?
Hmm, I have a Monopoly sethere somewhere.
Except all of the pieces missingexcept
for the top patand the little dog.
Hmm, ESPN Classic?
I don't know what that is.
I have somethingcalled a Space Channel.
Oh, really?
I also have some selectionof
pornography channels
Oh help me, I want to lay down.
Oh, help me
I want to lay down.
I follow my own song.
Oh I follow my own song.
And I screwed some fakes.
And I loved so soft.
The pink mountaintops.
[Marcia] Hi.-Hi.
Hi, where are you going?
I'm going to the park.
We're going to the park, you come with us.
Well, I'm kind ofmeeting someone.
Ah, a new girlfriend, right?
The one that we stalkedthe other day?
Yes.-Yeah, can we meet her, please?
You want to meet her?
Yes, please.
I'm going to get the car.
[Marcia] Good times!
Um...
Child locks.
Hi.-Hi.
You brought friends.-Yeah.
Oh, are you nervousabout something?
You've got that stinkybreath
people getwhen they are nervous.
No, it's just... they are very good
quiet peopleand they have a baby...
Can you not do that?
Hi.-Hi.
Violet, this is Marcia, this is Buddy.
It's so nice to meet you.
Who is this?
This is Emerson.
Oh my gosh, can I hold him?
Of course you can.-I want to hold a baby.
Here you got him?-Yeah.
[everyone screams]
[everyone laughs]
Listen, we're so sorry thatwe're in on the
date, but wejust really wanted to meet you.
No, don't be silly, there's plenty of food.
Plenty of food, Emerson!
This is nice, I'm so gladyou can join us.
Wow, you made food.
Let's see what we've got.
Now I wish I could sayl
made all of this, but...
[laughs]
What are you up to?
Now this, I did make.
Oh my god, I love this. I have tried
to make thisa couple of times...
and it always just sucks.
It's true.
Did you put LSD in the jello?
Oh my god, how did you know?
Believe it or not, the
secret ingredient is salt.
Really?-Hmm-hmm.
I know it sounds gross, but it's true.
Not surprising, because there'sactually a
lot of dessertrecipes that call for salt.
Really?-It's true.
It's amazing.
So you guys start...
I'm actually gonna goand feed the ducks.
[Marcia] Okay.
You are going away?
I love her.-Yeah.
[Buddy] She's a keeper.
Yeah.-[Marcia] And she's pretty.
Yeah.-She is a hell cat.
[laughing]
Hi, there.
Hello.-Hi.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Yeah, it really is.
Oh, no.
Um... how come you guysare eating our food?
So what was the bet?
If the bucks won, I could
shove a burritoin your face.
The last time you lost, I was
supposed to get topiss on your foot.
I never did.
What are you waiting for?
You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.
Hey, Neil.-Yeah.
You want to see mepiss on his foot?
Sure, yeah, just not in the store.
Take your sneaker off.-Wait slow down.
Now listen, why don't we godouble
or nothing ontonight's game?
I don't understandwhat I get if I win?
How do I double uppissing on your foot?
Both feet.
Oh, shit, I forgot about the game.
I'm supposed togo to Violet's tonight.
What? The pranksterdoesn't
let you watch TV?
It's not that. It's just shelikes to
act stuff out, like a scene I guess.
She couldn't bemore perfect for you.
You think so, right?
Too bad, man, it's gonnabe a great game.
I know, shit.
Are your friends mad at me?
No, they thought it was cute.
Um, so where isthe cat lady tonight?
I don't know, sometimes she goes out.
I think she's balling that
guythat picks up aluminium cans.
Hmm.
Do you think we should
goand check on the cats?
Not especially.
It's been dark over
therefor a few hours now.
I think we should goand check on them.
What's your angle?
Why?
[commentator speaking on TV]
[Neil cheers]Yes!
[table bangs]Yes!
Sorry.
Wow, that was the first coolthing
that happened all night.
Come on, that was amazing.
Wait, are you pissed becausel
want to watch the game?
No, I just don't get it, if youlike basketball,
we could be outplaying basketball right now.
We could be sneaking intoa high school
gym, playingbasketball by candle light.
Yeah, no.
But sometimes, it's nice to do something...
that's fun notscrewy and weird.
You know?
[Violet sighs]
Whenever I'm in a cemeteryl tried
to look for the graveof somebody...
who died the day I was born.
And then you steala headstone and
dumped iton someone's doorstep.
No, just to gives
yousomething to think about.
That guy is here, now he's gone and I'm
here. I'm taking his place, you know?
Would he want me to sit
aroundwatching TV all day?
No.
He would want me to run
around, all sorts of shit.
Is this why you feel the need
togo out and cause trouble?
I have a condition.
It's called bore-phobia.
Bore-phobia?
Bore-phobia.
I see, you'reallergic to boredom.
A very exoticand misunderstood disorder.
So you can understandwhy doctors
are reluctant todiagnose it.
Hey look, you know, I...
I hear what you are saying.
And I wish I could bemore totally
reckless, and I'm trying.
I mean, if you wannago nude hang-gliding,
I'll go nude hang-gliding.
Really? Because I know this guy.
Not right now.-It's a guy...
But I could call him.
Not right now, just let me finish.
I want to those things, but justin
a little more not insane way.
So I'll go nude hang-gliding...
but I just don't want togo
to bed and then wake up...
and find myself in a
hang-gliderwith no clothes on.
Are you okay with that?
I understand.
Good.
You want tocome back to my place?
I don't think so.
Are you upset with me?-No, not at all.
It's just you got in my head nowyou are getting
on your clothesinto a hang glider without...
waking up, it's justmy wheels are spinning.
I just don't think you reallywant
me to be in bed withyou tonight.
Right.
Fair enough.
[singing]
[singing continues]
Hey.-Hey.
A good crowd.-Yeah, it's
a reallygood band tonight.
We've got the singerand the keyboard
player fromthe American Sex Club.
They also get the guitarsand bass
player fromthe Mustache Rides.
Plus, tonight they got thedrummer from Tard
sitting in, so should be pretty bad-ass.
You lost me, dude.
Okay, look, the drummer isnormally in a band
called Tard, tonight he is not, alright?
Alright, ...-Yeah, you go check it out.
It's probably better that
way, learn from doing.
Neil, see you later.
So she likes musicians, huh?
[doorbell rings]
[singing]
Thank you and good night.
That was great.
Of course it was great, baby.
Why don't you get me a beer?
[Neil coughing][Violet laughing]
So, you do thiskind of thing much?
Balling guitar players? I don't
usuallygo for musicians.
Really?
Why did you thinkthat I did, Neil?
Uh, I heardthat chicks dig musicians.
No, magicians, we go nuts for magicians.
Get the wax out of your ears.
Oh?
So you never dated a musiciannot even that
guy that I saw youwith at Baltimore Jacks?
I always know when youare spying on me.
I get a little warm spot on
theback of my neck right here.
That was for my benefit?
[laughing]
You're a sicko.
Maybe, but I managed tobring
out a rock star in you.
I've dated a few musiciansbut I swore off.
Really, why is that?
Well, first, there wasGarry
Leathers.[illegible]
[Neil] At least he hada great stage name.
Except that wasn't a stage name.
Garry Leather's just a givenname,
stage name wasRandy Cocks.
[laughs]Nice.
And then there wasRick Niamacus.
Rick's all the ambition in lifewas play the
entire guitarssolo from hot for teacher.
[guitar playing]
Once in a day, he did it.
After more than ten years,
he finally nailed it.
And after filling his ambitionin life, there
is really onlyone thing left for him to do...
[screaming]
[Violet] Oh god! Oh my god!
Wow.-Hmm.
And that put you offfor musicians forever.
No, but you would think so.
Finally there was Garth Bodka.
Gigantic bald, musical prodigy from Poland.
See I thoughtRock and Roll was a problem...
but this classically trainedgargantuan
was ten timesworse than the rest.
[Neil] Hmm, and how did that go?
[Violet] Hmm, he's been chasingme all
over the countryfor the last three years.
I move to another city, he follows
me and breaksdown my door.
I move to somewhere else, he tracks me
down again, breaks down my door again.
I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.
Here you go.-I'll take this.
Yeah?-Yeah, I'll take this.
Okay.
Steve Jackson.
It's a nice generic
nameyou've got there, Steve.
I guess.
Interesting accent.
Where's the accent from?
Wyoming.-Right.
You catch the gamelast night, Steve?
I think Lakers are gonnawin
it all again this year.
Just like they did last year.
Yeah.
Lakers didn't win the
championlast year, Steve.
Can I just get my card please?
[Neil sighs]
Remember when you werewondering
why we don't havemany customers?
[movie playing]
[man laughing]
[laughing continues]
That's him. That's the guy.
What are you talking about?
Alright, knock it off! You
crazy fucking polark!
[audience applauding]
I got my eye on you, alright?
You ever set foot anywherenear Violet, I
will personallyshit down your throat.
You got it?
What was that?
Oh, oh man.
Violet, she's playing thesetricks on me,
she tries toget inside of my mind...
She thinks it's funny, so
shetells me this guy after her...
this bald guy, ex-boyfriend.
Shh!
Try to watch the movie.
You're the polark.
You're Polish?
Jerry Lucy is gonnamake a salad.
Hello.[door knocking]
Violet?
Hello?
[door knocking]Violet!
Violet!
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Jesus!-Neil!
[Violet screams]
Jesus, Violet.
[screams]
This is bullshit.
[screams]
[screaming continues]
Come on now. I get it.
[gasps]
Fuck, fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.
[Neil screams]
You said no onewas gonna get hurt.
What was in your jacket?
God, Neil, you and your video tapes.
I'm sorry he hurt your headyou
think you can make it homealright?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Nice to meet you.-Nice to meet you too.
Denis.
Pa-pa.
[chuckles]
You know every time I see youl feel I'm
in one of thosehidden camera shows?
It's not so bad, people
lovethose shows, right?
No. I don't love those shows.
I hate those shows.
I mean what wasl supposed
to do tonight, huh?
What was supposed to happen?
I don't know! Whatever you want to do.
You are the guy who sitsaround all
day watchingthis kind of shit on TV.
What does the guy on TV do?
What do you mean watch thiskind of shit?
How do you knowwhat I am watching?
Oh my god, do you spy on me?
Da.
[chuckles]
That is crazy!-Why?
Come on, you can't seehow crazy that is?
There is not one guy in theworld would
go out with a girlwho spies on him.
But we're not going out, we're
getting toknow each other.
We're finding outabout each other.
Frankly, there's no better wayto know somebody
than to catchthem in their unguarded moments.
Everybody can say all the rightthings
on those first few dates.
I find that's an effective wayto
cut through the bullshit.
And you followed mejust the other day.
Well...-Uh-huh.
Yes, I followed.
Look, you were being cagey, you were
practically beggingme to follow you home.
I'm not one of those insecuregirls who
runs around spyingon a boyfriend...
because she thinks hemay be
cheating on him. That is just sad.
No, you definitelyproject confidence.
Yeah, yeah.
I happen to thinkl'm a real catch...
so why shouldn't I be
thoroughabout who I go out with?
Yes, so I watched youand I find
out you area very decent person.
You are.
So if it's the spyingthat bothers you,
I promiseto put down my binoculars.
Unless you want to gobird-watching
in whichl would gladly do.
Even though it soundskind of boring.
Um...
No, I'm sorry, I can't... I can't...
[door bangs]
Oh, man.
[Lucien] I still say that Koreansnuff cartoons
are much betterthan Japanese death-match anime.
[John] I say the
Japanesedeath-match anime...
is much, much betterthan
Korean snuff cartoons.
I still say that Korean snuffcartoons are
much better thanJapanese death-match anime.
You're crazy!
Japanese death-match animeis so much
better thanKorean snuff cartoons.
You're crazy!
Korean snuff cartoons...-Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Excuse me, you guys have
anyJapanese death-match anime?
Yes, but we can't talk about it, because
our boss broke upwith his girlfriend.
I think I'm gonna leaveyou guys alone.
Hey.
Have you ever seen
anyKorean snuff cartoons?
No.-Yeah, nobody has. It's garbage.
Hi Neil!-Hi.
How is it going?-Good, good, how are you?
Good, you look good.-I know, thank you.
You do too.-Thanks
It's so funny I was justthinking about you.
Is that a fact?-Yeah.
Hey, you.-Oh, hey.
This is Chad.
Chad.-Hi.
This is the guy I was
justtelling you about.
Your old boyfriend?
Yeah, guilty.
They guy that let the waiterthrow
a bucket of wateron you?
First of all, it wasn't a bucketand I was just
trying to observefrom a distance her reaction...
Sounds like a perv to me.
That's cool.
So you were just hangingin the bushes and
jerking offlike some pathetic peeping tom?
We should definitelyget together some time.
[Lucien] Last but not
least, there's a letter...
from a place calledMovie
Dork Videoin San Clement.
This guy is going underand
he needs to liquidate.
So he wants 3000 bucks.
And if we buy everything for3000 bucks, he'll
give usfree shipping, which is great...
but obviously, there's a lot ofcrap here we
don't need, like8 copies of Ernest Ghosts camp.
But he does have some
stuffthat we don't have.
So we could just take everythingand save on
the shipping, which is not a bad idea...
or we can cherry-pickand...
[DVDs banging]
We can do this later, if you want.
Oh, god, Lucien. She's
ruined it for me, Lucien.
It's all so boring now.
Hey, let's put in a movie.
No, no more movies.
It's no use, it's notenough
anymore, you know?
It's just all so mundaneand
so predictable, Lucien.
Oh, hey, look. It's Jason.
Jason is gonna come in here...
and he's gonna hand me a packageand
then he's gonnahand me his thing...
And I'm gonna sign the thingand hand it right
back to himand he's gonna get in his truck.
He's gonna drive off.
Woo... it's so predictable, Lucien.
It's not enough anymore.
You know, where is the... where's
the adventure, you know?
There is no adventure, man.
Where is the adventure, Lucien?
You signed "Neil Adventure".
I did?
Crossed out "Adventure", you
wrote "Adventure" again...
What does it matter, Jason?
Huh?
Matters because I'mresponsible
for any package...
that doesn't have a
validsignature of receipt.
Jesus Christ.- I don't make the rules.
Lighten up, Jason.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
Gumshoe Video.
Do you guys have westerns?
Yes, we do.
OK, I really want to rent a couple of Westerns,
but I only have enough money for one.
As it happens, we're actuallydoing a special
tonight, which means you can get...
Here is the thing, I only feel comfortable renting
the Westerns from a guy dressed as a cowboy.
Do you have anybody there
dressing like a cowboy?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
[phone ringing]
Gumshoe Video.
Why did you hang up on me?
Um, I guess I'm nevergonna learn huh?
I know, it's brilliant.
So I wonder how you knewwhat I was wearing.
Don't bother looking out the
window, I'm actually at work.
You have a job?
Yeah, you wanna come pick me up from work?
Um... well, I was gonnagive the
store open foranother hour, so...
You have to come now.
Yeah, I guess I could... I
guess I could come now.
Parking lot behind the bookstore
and then walk north up the alley.
Hmm, this sounds dubious.
Oh, it's very dubious.
There is a stair leading up to
the door on the second floor.
Doorway to the second floor, got it.
[door creaks]
When you get to the door, you're gonna give
it three long knocks and three short knocks.
Three long knocks, three
short knocks, got it.
And Neil, you absolutely have
to keep the cowboy outfit on.
[Violet chuckles]
[door banging]
[man laughs]
Oh, hey, take it easy, brother.
Just take it easy.-Wait, man.
Hey.-Hang on.
You hang on.-Hang on.
Come on.
Okay, cow boy, just be cool, alright?
Don't do anything crazy.
God damn it, Glenn, just give him the cash!
Alright, nobody needs toget hurt, okay?
Okay, guys?
Alright, Glenn.[clearing throat]
Why don't you just tossthat pouch
over herereal nice and easy like?
[Neil] Then we'll justtake it from there.
Good.
Now you stay right there, I'm just gonna
take a look atthe little Missy here.
What the hell is going onin here, Glenn?
Be careful, Andy, he's got a gun.
How did he get in here, Glenn?
We let him in, Andy.
Why did you let him in, Glenn?
He used the secret knock, Andy.
I told you the secret knockwas a bad idea!
No, you didn't.-Yes, I did!
I said as soon asyou leak it
out, it's not a secret anymore!
No, that's what you said
aboutthe secret password, Andy.
It's the samegoddamn thing, Glenn!
Alright, guys, I get it, I get it.
Andy, come on, Andy.
I get it, come on.
Why don't you stepover
there behind the desk...
Damn it, Glenn!-Andy!
What's he wearing?
What does it look like?
It looks like a dress.-No, it's a poncho.
He's obviously a cowboy, you've
never seena cowboy before?
So what have you guysgot
going on here, huh?
[crowd talking]
Holy shit!
An underground black jack club.
Bang!
Hey, you look like the good,
the bad and the ugly.
Come here, poncho!
After him!
Faster!
[Glenn grunts]
Shit!
Bang!
Glenn! Glenn!-Andy, what?
What are you doing?
I'm washing myself, I'm
cooling down, I'm hot.
What happened toyour head, you okay?
I fell down.
You okay?
No, I'm not okay, I've got a headache.
[windows banging]
Hey.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Do you know what we did?
Listen, Neil, it wasn't supposedto be dangerous,
the ownerwasn't supposed to be there...
I never thought for a minutethat
somebody was gonnashoot at you.
Holy shit, that was the wildestthing
I've ever donein my whole life.
How many people can say
they'vedone something like that?
I thought you'd never want tosee me again.
Are you kidding me?
There was like20,000 dollars in this bag.
How long have youbeen planning this?
I mean, this is genius.
Wait, you know I think thatthey
think it's an inside job.
Because if they do, you
should quit right away, no!
Not right away, you should tellthem that you
suffer from somekind of post-traumatic stress.
That way, they won'tsuspect anything.
I'm serious, Neil.
I thought you wouldn'twant to have
anythingto do with me after this.
We need to find a way to getmy car back, good
thing you toldme to park it up the street.
I guess I can have Luciengo get it, right?
What is it? My cut? Is that my cut, baby?
How does this work?
I guess you're the brains,
I'm the monkey wrench, yeah?
Yeah?
You know what I hate aboutall those
old detective moviesyou always watch?
No, what?
It's always so obviousthe
dame was up to no good.
It always turns outthe girl's playing
the guyfor a sap every time...
and everybody knows
itexcept for the poor sap.
No, there are some good movieswhere
the dame turns outto be alright.
Uh, Key Lago for instance.
You're the nicest guyl've ever met.
And I'm a terrible person.
Out on the wall sounds of banging
is constant coming from your head
And desperate the calls came and ringing
from those wanna wring your neck
Your neck
[Neil sobbing]
Open your mouth sounds of breathing
found it spilling from your face
[sobbing]
Best to be dim to be humble of
traffic stepping on your name
Count on...
Us all falling our own swords tonight
[sobbing]
Chilling walk home down the portions roads
there leading straight to your place
And look like the tin can with swallows
the kitchen plugging up your space
Count on us all stepping on
Our own toes tonight
Are you never gonna
stopfalling for this shit?
What?
What?
What?
What're you doing to me, Violet?
Why are you doing this?
Why are you like this?
Because I really like you.
Give me a break.-No, I'm crazy about you.
I believethe first half of that.
I'm just tryingto protect myself.
It doesn't make any sense.-It doesn't?
Let me guess, you've neverbeen in a
relationship longerthan a year, right?
Fifteen months.-Fifteen months
before youstart to get restless...
just one year before you startedto look at your
girlfriend likeshe's an old comfortable shoe.
Because she is not... or...[illegible]
It's just a matter of timebefore zip
out the door, nice knowing you, right?
Does it make me crazy, becausel never want you
to look at melike an old comfortable shoe.
You're the sweetest, most interesting,
most creative guy I've ever met.
But you're fundamentallyscrewed
up, I mean...
you've spent half ofyour life hanging
outwith fictional characters...
and what woman canlive up to that?
Oh.
And I shouldpoint out, Neil, that...
it takes two to tango, I mean, if you are not the
most gullibleson of a bitch I've ever met...
I wouldn't feel obligedto
do these things to you.
Give me a break, you're likethe baby
that nevergets tired of peek-a-boo.
Every time it's like you'venever
seen this trick before.
Maybe you're right, maybe I'm some
kind ofsick, twisted baby but...
come on, how canthis possibly work?
How can people live like this?
And how do I knowyou're not
gonnavanish in a couple of days?
That's easy, just don'tlet
me out your sight.
I mean how do I know, I'm notgonna end up in a
bathtub of icewater with my liver taking out.
It's either spending your lifewondering
whether I'm goingto steal your liver...
or try to find a womanyou'll never
take for granted, you choose.
Can a person livewithout his liver?
What do I look like, the surgeon general?
Okay.
Put some clothes on, you gotta
take a ridein the new car.
Come on!
Wait, um...
Neil, come on!
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Come on!
Wow!-Ta-da!
Ha-ha, you... you spent
all thatmoney on a car?
You think I want to walkaround the
rest of my lifelooking like a schmuck?
Well, I like it.
Yeah?-Yeah.
And I didn't spend all the moneynot even
close, that was a lotof money we stole.
Hey, I stole.
Yeah, well, there is enoughmoney
left for a week in Vegas.
Oh, I don't even want to thinkabout the
kind of troubleyou'll get me into in Vegas.
Puerto Vallerta?
No, no, no, Mexican prisons,
I've heard stories.
Mount Rushmore.
Defacing a national
monument five to ten years.
Graceland.
Graceland, huh?
Hey, um, you'regonna let me drive?
How come?
I just have this image of youpulling
a Thelma & Louise and phew...
[chuckles]
[footsteps]
[footstep continues]
[screaming]
No.
Please.
Bang!
Nice shot, lover. What was that for?
This was due back last Thursday.
And besides, he forgot to rewind.
Gumshoe Video.
If we don't have it, we'll hit
the pavement looking for it.
[crowd cheering and applauding]
Wow, this is amazing.
I don't really knowwhere to begin.
[gasps]
I told myself I wouldn't cry.
Um... no, seriously, I haveso
many people to thank...
I would just like tostart by saying...
[ads playing]it's you
guys that make this...
[crowd booing]
[crowd screaming]Stop!
Guys, can someone...
[crowd yelling]
[ads playing]Media Giant.
[Buddy] It's horrible.
It's okay.
I know I can't compete withthese big
guys, but as long asl have you guys...
my small and loyal followingof geeks
and weirdoes, I know I'll be alright.
Everyone, have some more beer!
Oh, and stick around, because later on...
we are gonna have a specialmidnight
screening ofa 1949 classic She-Gorilla.
Yes!
That's right.
[girl] Yeah!
Alright.
[people chatting]
How was that, man?
You're not supposed toshow ads
for two differentvideo stores...
during the samecommercial break, alright?
Who cares? When is the show again?
Oh my god, 3:12 a.m.
[illegible] God damn thing.
Those are your people.
Who? Scottish people?-Hmm-hmm.
No, no, no, the freaks.
They're up all night, sniffingglue, watching
competitivejump rope on ESPN for women.
Those are the peoplekeeping
you in business.
Yeah, you know, you're
right.-I know I'm right.
All I'm saying is I love
Neilas much as everyone.
But it was basically a rip offof
Dead Men Don't Wear Plaid.
[woman chuckles]
Well, it was.-Thanks, man.
I would've done somethingmore deconstructive,
likevideotape actual video tape.
The commercial was
dynamite.-Great, thanks.
And Denise was great. Where is she?
I guess she didn't show it. She thinks
this whole thingis a little stupid.
What?-Yeah.
You okay?-I'm alright.
Alright, see you guys,
bye bye.-Alright, bye.
Have fun tonight, alright?
[Marcia] I cannot
believeDenise didn't show.
[Neil sobbing]
[baby crying]
[Neil] Hey, I'm just
kidding, I'm just kidding.
[baby crying]
Great.-[Neil] I'm just kidding.
Hey, man, come here.
What's up?
Hey, you see that girl?
Um, can you spill water on her?
[giggles]Like on her tits?
No, uh... in her lap.
Alright.-Alright.
Wait.
Alright.
Here.
Don't insult me.
[woman screaming][waiter]
Oh, my god, I'm so sorry.
[screaming continues][waiter] I'm so
terribly sorry. I'm so horribly sorry.
Awfully sorry.-[woman]
You should be sorry.
I'm sorry, I'm so very sorry.
Hey.-Hey.
Sorry, I'm late.-Never mind.
Guess that's what happens whenyou
turn into a big TV star.
[chuckles]
Oh, what happened withyour dress?
Oh, yeah, it's nothing.
Again, I'm really sorry.
Uh... Denise, do you thinkyou're a
little hard onthat waiter before?
Neil, what do you get out ofhiring some goon
to throwa pitcher of water in my face...
while you hide...-It's not a pitcher.
While you werehiding in the bushes.
You are not sitting in front ofsome movie, you
are acting outsome immature little game...
if you want this to work,
you'll have to grow up.
Or we could just break up.
What?
Wait a minute, I came here to tell
youto get your shit together...
you can't turn this
intobreaking up with me.
Here we are.
I don't believe this.
The next thing you're gonnasay
is, "It's not you, it's me".
No, it's definitely you.
See you're not enough likeKatharine Ross
in Butch Cassidy and the Sundance Kid.
I don't know what that means.
She was so supportive, she didn't
make Paul Newmanfeel stupid.
She went along with it.
Well, you know what, Neil? You can't go
long with someonewho's going nowhere...
someone who runs a shitty littlevideo
store that doesn't evenmake any money...
and spends his days hangingaround a bunch
of dorks talkingabout the Seventh Seal.
No, hey, you likedthe Seventh Seal.
I was faking it, you sucker.
Oh, this is Burgman?
The imagery is so powerful! What a genius!
I'm so happyyou made me watch this.
Hmm!
[Neil] I can't keep sponsoringMonday
nights at the club, man.
Come on.-I'm sorry, I can't do it.
I'm getting killedon Mondays, dude.
Nobody comes out to seethese local bands.
These are shitty bands, man.
Who the hell wants to watcha bunch of
high school metalheads with names like...
shit and bricksand Trojan whores.
Trojan whores?-Yeah.
I like that.
I don't know. You gotta help me out, dude.
You got help me out. I'm taking
a bathon these live shows.
I can't even afford new
uniformswith a soccer ball team.
The other teams arelaughing at us.
It's a total joke.
Shit.-I know.
[ads playing]
Oh, I love this, check out this entrance.
[ads playing]
[TV] What a sucker!
[door bangs]
[TV] You did a very good job yourself,
you didn't need too much of my help.
No, I don't mind. I'm in
the video storeright now.
No, it's one of thoselittle shitty ones.
[TV] Yeah, and wouldn't
that break your heart?
What do you think aboutThe
City of Lost Children?
Excellent film by the same
guywho made Delicatessen.
I'm on the phone, actually.
What's Casino?
To be honest, I wouldn't recommend it.
It's basically a poor man'sgood
fellas bet in Vegas.
Hang on, I'm, I'm... still on the phone.
So which one should I rent?
So which one do you recommend?
[sighs][bangs]
All of a sudden, you're mute?
Oh, oh... I take it
you'retalking to me now.
Who else would I be talking to?
[chuckles]
It's for a friend who'sat home
sick, which onedo you recommend?
What's the matterwith your friend?
Why?
If your friend's got stomach fluand he's
running to thebathroom every five minutes...
then I'd go for this one.
But if your friend is in
somekind of medication like...
You know what, just surprise me.
This one.
Great, uh... so how does this work?
What do you mean?
I've never been toone of these places.
You never rented a movie?
I've been to a movie, does that count?
Okay, let's start you offwith a membership.
You know what, I knew it
wassome kind of racket.
No, not really, you need togive me your
driver's licenseand I'll give you a membership.
I don't have a driver's license.
How do you get around?-I get around.
Okay, well, I can't give youa membership
until you giveme a driver's license.
Hmm, how about a cash deposit?
I'll give you 20 bucks.
What? 20 bucks?-Yeah,
20 American Dollars.
You know, these are all
typesyou kind of hard to...
Alright, I'll give you 50 bucksand I don't
want to hearanything more about it.
Fifty it is.
Lucky for you, I saw my pimp today.
Oh, ah, Fletch, right?
No, his name is Donald.
Well, that's it. That's all I've got.
Don't blow it all
oncigarettes and toilet wine.
[both chuckle]
It'll be right here.-Alright.
Great.
[Neil whistling]
[commentator speaking]
[commentator continues speaking]
[people cheering in TV]
It makes no sense that zombieseat, they are
dead, they haveno digestive system that works.
But they need people's brainsin order
to continue to livein the undead world.
Yes.-How come they never puke?
Their insides are full of puke.
I still don't understand
whyzombies have to eat people.
Why don't they justgo into restaurants?
Absolutely.-It doesn't make sense.
They need to eat brains.
But they are already dead.
I understand them killing peopleripping them
apart because theyare angry that they are dead.
[Neil] Hi!
Hi.-Hi.
You like the movie?
Um... yeah.
Cool.
We made ithalf way through, huh?
Um... yeah.
You want to see something cool?-Sure.
Watch this. Hey, guys, guys, here!
Hey.
Okay, okay.
She stopped it when Clancy
isfollowing the professor.
My love, don't embarrassthe family.
It's clearly, the race track scene.
Please, she obviously stoppedwhere the
goons jump Clancyback at his apartment.
Hmm.
You're on crack.
This movie is stoppedat the
scene in the night club.
Just as Baxter... depending
on the tracking...
just when he confesseskilling the Gypsy.
That's crazy.
Why would anyone stop at
justwhen he's about to confess?
[laughing]
You're right.
Precisely, hey, she wouldn't.She would
be dying to knowwho killed the Gypsy.
Until I put it to you,
ladies and gentleman...
that she fell asleep beforethe
Gypsy was murdered.
And then she woke upin
the nightclub scene...
and then not being able toappreciate the
ironic tragedyof Baxter having to murder...
the only person who couldgot him
out of the hook, she shut it off.
I don't know, put it in.
He seems a little...
[woman grunts]Let's see.
[TV playing]
[characters speaking]What's
wrong with that?
- Will you cut that music out!
- Cut out the rest of the fuss!
Why did you kill her?
[laughing and applauding]
Cool... but scary.
Listen, I'm still gonna haveto
charge you full price...
even though you onlywatched
half the movie, sorry.
Uh... guys, did anyonetake an envelope
fromunderneath the register...
written on itwas nothing at all?
You wrote the words, "nothing
at all", on the envelope?
I don't evenunderstand the question.
[Marcia] Yeah, I'm confused.
No?-No.
Looks like I have mislaidyour deposit.
I'm sorry.
This is where you offer me
50dollars' worth of movie rental.
It's a pretty good idea.
You know what, no offense, but I
don't think I'm reallygonna use it.
You get a lot of goodmovies for 50 dollars.
Or you could just take me
outto a 50-dollar dinner.
Oh.
Well, I could just use thecash
as well, just the cash.
No, no, no.
That's a great idea.
I can write it offas a business dinner.
[chuckles]
Uh... tonight?
Sure.
Do you know a placecalled Lightsides?
Hmm.-Alright.
I'll see you there at eight.
Deal.-Cool.
Uh, Violet.-Oh, Neil.
[both chuckling]
[woman laughing]
She asked me.
Hey, when your done fuckingthe customers,
want to playTrivia Pursuit with us?
No, thank you.
[TV playing]
[Neil whistling]
Hi.
Ha-ha.-Well, well, well.
Look who decide to
finallyshow up for a date.
Uh, I'm only three minutes late.
We're on a business trip.
I gotta tell you though,
it's a hell of a happy hour.
[tapping on the couch]
They got the best goddamnpeanuts in town.
What?-Peanuts, P-E-A-nuts.
Oh, alright.-Peanuts.
I guess you'vebeen here a while.
Okay, enough with the chitchat.
You gonna take me backto
your place or what?
Uh, you know my car is rightoutside, I can give
you a ride, or maybe I can call you a cab?
What do you think?-You sure
you don'twanna take me home?
Hmm...-Neil, look at me...
I'm wasted.-Yeah.
I mean, like shootinga fish in a barrel.
[Violet laughing]
Uh, you know, Violet? I think you are very
attractive. Really, you're very attractive.
But come on, I mean, what
kindof guy would I be if I...
take you homeand take advantage of you.
[Neil whispers] You know?
So...-You're such a nice guy, Neil.
I'm gonna cry.
It's just really refreshingto meet
such a decentperson these days.
Vodka and soda.
Um...
I'll have the screwdriver.
I thought there'llalways be a market...
a group of customerswho needed
somethinga little more personal...
and a little more intimate?
Sure.
Plus, most of these big storesdon't have more
than a few Altmovies, hardly any B movies...
Sci-fi, Neway, forget about it.
That's a bummer.
I know.
Plus, I find out there's gonnabe another Media
Giant storeopening at least a mile away.
Did they send over a bunch ofguys in suits with
cash in theirbriefcases try to buy you out?
No, I'm not really a threat,
they don't need to buy me out.
Goons with crowbars?-Um, no.
No?
No goons so far.
Um, I guess we've eaten almost50
dollars' worth of food?
Alright.-Ah...
Not so fast, big boy, you
owe me a 50-dollar dinner.
I put my own tally in...
that'd be about...
[machine clicks]
About 37 bucks.
Um, I'll have a brownie Sundaeand
a cup of coffee and...
right, a piece of key-lime pie.
So, what are we gonna doabout
that big video store?
I mean, I assumed that everybodywould
feel the same waythat I felt, you know?
But no, no, no, no.
Most people just want to get intheir cars,
they want to driveto the local store and...
rent the latest disastermovie, you know?
Well, there's not many peoplejust wanna come
in and havea leisurely stroll around...
maybe talk about cool break,
shoot the shit... No!
Sis.
[TV] Media Giant online, renting your
favorite new releases as easy as watching.
Um, which version of thelnvasion of the
Body Snatchers would you recommend...
the 1956 version, or the 1978 version?
We're closing in a few minutes.
Psst! Sh-ht!
[whispers] Come here!
[Violet] Hurry!
Uh... so what's in your mind?
After he leaves, we'll go outand switch the
DVDs so thatthey are all in the wrong boxes.
That could take all night.
It'll only a take a second tothrow a
rock throughthe window, smart guy.
[laughing]
[DVD boxes click]
Fancy, put somethingreally dirty in here.
Alright.
Here you go.
[unintelligible]
Here.
So we never really... got
to talk aboutyou so much...
what is that you do?
Hmm, I'm looking forsomething I like.
Alright, what was your last job?
Doing a little this, a little that.
Uh-uh, and... what is it,
you know, you want to do?
I don't know, have younever noticed how
smalljobs get boring pretty quick?
Yeah, yeah.
I would totally hire you, you know,
if you didn'tfuck up my inventory.
[Violet laughing]
Could I have a disc?
[police car siren]
Shh!
[siren continues]
Good idea!
[screams]
[alarm ringing]
[both gasping]
Oh my god, I thinkl'm
having a heart attack.
My stomach.
Silent alarm? I can afford a
silent alarm, forget about it.
Why did I eat all that dessert?
That was fun.
Yeah, it wasn't badfor a Tuesday.
Um, so, if we can get back tothe
car, can I give you a lift?
No, you go, I think we've got
tosplit up for the night.
Well, what are you gonna do?
I'm just gonna lay low tillthe
heat dies out, you know?
What? Just gonna hang in the yard?
I don't know, there's probablya
Frisbee around here somewhere.
I'll be fine.
What are you doing?
Look at that, whole new guy.
Just remember, if they catch
you, deny everything.
Alright.
Oh, Neil, you certainly give
mea lot to think about.
I'll never rent fromthat video store again.
Tell me about it.
Not just because they almostcertainly
have our picturebehind the counter...
[Neil] Alright, well... why?-Ah!
[Violet] Hey, Neal.
Neal, psst, hey, you.
Yeah?
[Violet whispers]We forgot
the goodnight kiss.
I mean, you know, if you
wantedthe goodnight kiss.
Yeah, sure.
Um...
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
[kissing]
[Violet] Okay. I'll catch you later.
Okay.
Tell you what, man, that was the
weirdestfirst date I'd ever had.
Yeah, sounds to me like thatchick's
cookoo for coco puffs.
I mean, did she havea tendency
to mutterthings loud to herself?
No.
Alright, then she's not schizophrenic.
Did she have wild mood swings?
No, she was prettyconsistently out there.
Alright, then she's not bipolar.
Does she have an unusualtendency
to count things?
Um, well, she did get a
bitobsessed about the bill.
Yeah, but I mean, did she touchthe bill
a lot, touch a lotdoorknobs, OCD style?
No.
Are we gonna play this game,
or you just list off...
every diagnosis just to showme how
much you knowabout psychology?
I'm pretty surethe girl isn't crazy?
Yeah, okay. You're gonna
go outwith her again?
I don't know, I don't havea number
and I don't knowwhere she lives.
You gotta Google her ass.
That's what you gotta do.
I don't know her last name.-[man] Hello?
Oh, customer, I got
it.-Alright, thanks, man.
Sorry.
Hey.-Hey.
I went inside to look for
you, but you weren't there.
The store was totally empty, it was creepy.
I thought maybe you're
havingthose promotional deals...
like you are in a special
postapocalyptic movies or something.
Nah, I was just passing time.
Yeah?-Yeah.
Nice. Hey, do you knowhow
to "dunk slam" it?
Yeah, I've been knownto
"dunk slam" in my day.
Ah, nice steal.
I want to learn how to do it.
Okay, first of all, it's
called a "slam dunk".
Yeah?
Wow![wall bangs]
You hear that?
You gotta take these things inbaby steps,
today, you'll learnthat it's called a slam...
Oh shit!
Dunk.-This one'sfor all the marvels...
the world finals. Five,
four, three, two, one!
Yes!
God's will! God's will!
Well, the ball has to be in
theair when the clock runs out...
you count down the clock, and then
you jump, so the game's over.
I'm pretty sure it's the player, as long as the
player's in theair when the time runs out.
Uh, no, it's the ball.
I'm pretty sure it's the player.
It's the ball.
Um, but you can comedown now if you want.
No, you come up here.
It's nice, you'll like it.
Aren't your hands killing you?
Yeah.
Wanna go pool hopping?
Uh, no.
[laughs]
You carry binoculars?
Oh, yeah, you'll be surprisedhow
often these babiescome in handy.
People are doing all sorts ofnasty
things in privacyof their homes.
Seems unfair we shouldn'tget
a peek at it, right?
Looks like the manager issaying they
still can't findanything missing.
And the cop is saying maybethey are
just some kidshaving some fun.
And the manager's saying thatfrom the
security tape theydon't look like kids.
Although the female
cooperatorseems quite fetching.
I suppose she could pass as
acollege student in a TV show.
And the cop is like, "yeah, she was quite
beautiful in aunique and fascinating way..."
almost like the sunriseon a misty morning".
Is this how most people getcaught
coming back to the scene?
I have an idea, let's goto
my store and watch a movie.
Oh, always with the movies... that's
the differencebetween you and me...
I like you, Neil, but clearlyyou sit
around and you'recontent to just watch...
and me, I have tobe doing something.
I'm perfectly aware right nowwhat I'm
doing is sittingaround watching...
so don't botherpointing out the irony.
Huh-huh.
Don't get me wrong, last night
was veryvery exciting...
and I guess this isexciting too...
and given that we're definitelygonna
get busted sitting here, but...
can we just go?
Hmm, okay.
So where did you grow up?
Alaska, and Stockholmand Cape
Town, but mostly Tasmania.
Wow, that sounds incredibly...-Exciting?
I was just gonna say made up?
So where did you go to school?
A mystery schoolfor young women.
[chuckles]
Hmm, that sounds hot.
Oh, yeah.
We all wore baby doll pyjamasand
we had pillow fightsevery night.
And when Ms. Stern caught us, She
doused us all with baby oil.
Terrific.
Terrific.
So do you live around here?-No.
Oh.-What?
Did you think we're going backto my place?
Slow down, Casanova.
No, I was just hoping to getsome confirmation
that youactually live around here.
I can't shake off the feelingthat you're just
blowing throughthe town like a carnival.
Well, I can't give my addressout to
anybody, I'm sureyou'll understand.
Huh-huh.
Well.
I gotta go do some stuff.
OK, well, thanks for stopping
bymaybe you'll stop by again.
Nah.
Actually, I'm ready to
giveyou my phone number.
Cool.
I want you to be very
carefulwith this number, Neil.
Sure, I'll memorize the numberAnd
eat the paper, how does that sound?
I wouldn't recommend it.
It's scented note paper.
You'd be better offflushing
it down to the toilet.
Okay, I wasn't actually gonna
dothat, but sure, I'll flush it.
You are a sweet heart.
[Lucien] Neil, what're you gonnado
when this place goes tits up?
[Neil] I don't think it's
gonnahappen for a few years...
not until people can getany movie
they want to, directly in a TV set...
and I'm dead meat.
You should go back to school.
I mean, look at me. I have absolutely
noconcept of the real world.
Hmm.
I think you need to find a wayto
supplement your business.
You gotta turn this
placeinto a single's club.
People come in here, they tellyou
their favorite movies...
and you match them upwith the
perfect mateusing that information.
Yeah, that's a great idea.
You can charge woman 100 bucks.
And no matter what theytell you,
you just give themmy phone number.
If I set you up with someonewho
likes Ben Affleck...
you'd throw her outof a moving car.
I don't know. Is she cute?
[John] Alright, this iswhat you gotta do?
You gotta turn this place intoa late night
underground casino. Make some cash!
Lots of towns have thesesecret
gambling clubs...
places making like50 grand a night.
Right, but if it's a secret,
how do people know to come?
Uh, good question.
You let it leak outthrough word of mouth.
Well, then it's not a secretanymore
and thenyou get busted.
That's why you have secretpassword,
something likeice station zebra or rosebud.
No, no, no. You can't say rosebud,
you'll ruin citizen Kane.
No, you don't, the only wayyou ruin citizen
Kane is youtell people rose bud is a sled.
Rosebud is a sled?
Yes, it's a sled, it's the last shot out
of... what film school do you go to?
How do you let people knowwhat
the secret password is?
You let it leak outwhat the password is.
It's a secret.-Yeah.
Then it's not a secret,
then you get busted.
He's right.-I think
you're over-analyzing.
You can't have a secret...-I
know you're over-analyzing.
Excuse me, excuse me, I'm looking for
Neil Louis, the guy who owns this place.
That's him.-That's the guy.
That's me.
I'm Detective Lowenstein,
this is Detective Barlow.
We were wondering if we
couldhave a word with you.
Oh, sure.
Um, you want tocome into my office?
[Neil] Guys, can youhold
down the fort?-Yeah.
You see that?
And you thought we don't
livein a totalitarian society.
All you have to do is evenmention
opening upa secret gambling joint...
the cops crack down.
Shut up.
What can I do for you, fellas?
So you ownand operate this store.
Yes, I do.
And you havejust this one store.
Yes.
So it must reallybe tough for you...
with these big franchise videostores bringing
up every day, must really tick you off...
These big guys drivingyou out of business?
What's the dealwith the old costumes?
Oh, those... I use themfor promotions...
if we were doing any specialon classic
horror films, I'll dress up as [illegible]
I think you like to play
games, you little cock sucker.
We're not gonna beataround
the bush, Mr. Louis.
We know that you vandalizedthe Media
Giant video storeon Tuesday night.
You're in a shitloadtrouble, shitface.
You're actually ina very
fortunate situation.
The person we're more
interestedin is your accomplice.
My accomplice?
No, I mean...
Alright, cut themealy mouth act, shithead.
We want to talk about the girl.
We're willing to let
youslide on this thing...
if you can just tell uswhere
we can find the girl.
Why? I mean I barely know here. How
come you guysare looking for her?
You don't ask thegoddamn question!
We ask the goddamn questions!
You don't need to knowwhat
she did, Mr. Louis.
What you need is tell
uswhere we can locate her.
Okay. I don't knowwhere she lives, I swear.
You obviously have some
wayof contacting her.
A phone number, maybe.
No, no, she didn't give meany number.
Alright, enough with this shit.
You're gonna tell us whereto find the girl,
or the onlycostume you'll be wearing...
is this one!
What are you doing?
You know goddamn wellwhat I'm doing.
Oh, yeah, I think you know.
Alright, back off!
This is mine!-I tried.
Here he comes. Do it.
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
[laughing]
I owe you guys so big!
[laughing continues]
I met Tony at a Karaoke barand
Rick is my next doorneighbor.
Don't they look like cops?
[laughing]
Oh, come on. You cannot be mad about that.
Are you kidding me?
I thought I was going to jail, I
thought I was gonnalose the store.
Wasn't it wild?-I thought that
guy was gonnado something to me.
You thought hewas gonna bugger you.
[laughing]
Jesus Christ.
But you didn't givethem my phone number...
even though you thought
youwere gonna get buggered.
I didn't actually thinkhe's
gonna really bugger me.
The whole good cop bad coproutine
was a littleover the top.
You were so brave.
[Violet chuckles]
I gotta go homeand do some stuff.
What are you doing tomorrow?
I don't know, I'll probablyspend
some time in the store.
I'll come visit you.
You can teach me the differencebetween
thrillers and chillers.
[Violet laughing]
Hey, guys.
Oh, hey.-Hey.
Can you watch the storefor a while?
Could we order a pizza?-No.
Then yes, I will watch.
Alright.
Neil!-Neil, hi, cutie.
What are you doing?
This is good, you can
settlean argument for us.
It's not really an argument.
It's a differenceof opinion anyway.
Okay, what is it?
What's happening? Where are you going?
What are you doing?
I'm following a girl, okay?
It is important. What's up?
I think the baby should wearsunglasses so
he doesn'tstare at the sun and go blind.
And you think that's stupid.
Yes, I do, I think it's stupid.
Why would a baby stareat the sun?
Why wouldn't a baby stareat the sun? He
is a baby, he doesn't know any better.
Get down, get down, get down.
[kid giggling]
You're killing me, buddy.
A baby wouldn't stare at the sunany more
then it would holdhis breath and drop dead.
Thank you.
Is this whatmarried life is like?
[cats mewing]
[Violet] Kitties.
There you go.
Ha!-Fuck!
[laughing]
[laughing continues]
I'm sorry.
You'd be a lousy spy, Neil.
Oh, no, I wasn't.I wasn't spying.
You know, I'm totallycool with...
the cats and everything.
I totally understand.
You know, wipe that lookof pity
off your faceit's not my house.
My place is a dump, but it's
a step upfrom this place.
Oh.-I'll be right out.
Okay. Okay.
I sneak over every now and thento make sure
Mrs. Calmandoesn't forget to feed them.
I have this fear that I'llwalk in one day
and they'll beeating her fingers and toes.
[Neil] Yeah.
I should have known it wasn'tyour
place when I sawthat TV set.
I have a TV set, look.
Oh.
Do you ever think that if yougot a real TV
set so that youwouldn't feel the need...
to go around playingall these adventures?
Hmm.
I like to think that becausel lead a life
of adventurethat I don't need a TV set.
Besides, what has televisionsgot
that I haven't got?
Game shows?
Hmm, I have a Monopoly sethere somewhere.
Except all of the pieces missingexcept
for the top patand the little dog.
Hmm, ESPN Classic?
I don't know what that is.
I have somethingcalled a Space Channel.
Oh, really?
I also have some selectionof
pornography channels
Oh help me, I want to lay down.
Oh, help me
I want to lay down.
I follow my own song.
Oh I follow my own song.
And I screwed some fakes.
And I loved so soft.
The pink mountaintops.
[Marcia] Hi.-Hi.
Hi, where are you going?
I'm going to the park.
We're going to the park, you come with us.
Well, I'm kind ofmeeting someone.
Ah, a new girlfriend, right?
The one that we stalkedthe other day?
Yes.-Yeah, can we meet her, please?
You want to meet her?
Yes, please.
I'm going to get the car.
[Marcia] Good times!
Um...
Child locks.
Hi.-Hi.
You brought friends.-Yeah.
Oh, are you nervousabout something?
You've got that stinkybreath
people getwhen they are nervous.
No, it's just... they are very good
quiet peopleand they have a baby...
Can you not do that?
Hi.-Hi.
Violet, this is Marcia, this is Buddy.
It's so nice to meet you.
Who is this?
This is Emerson.
Oh my gosh, can I hold him?
Of course you can.-I want to hold a baby.
Here you got him?-Yeah.
[everyone screams]
[everyone laughs]
Listen, we're so sorry thatwe're in on the
date, but wejust really wanted to meet you.
No, don't be silly, there's plenty of food.
Plenty of food, Emerson!
This is nice, I'm so gladyou can join us.
Wow, you made food.
Let's see what we've got.
Now I wish I could sayl
made all of this, but...
[laughs]
What are you up to?
Now this, I did make.
Oh my god, I love this. I have tried
to make thisa couple of times...
and it always just sucks.
It's true.
Did you put LSD in the jello?
Oh my god, how did you know?
Believe it or not, the
secret ingredient is salt.
Really?-Hmm-hmm.
I know it sounds gross, but it's true.
Not surprising, because there'sactually a
lot of dessertrecipes that call for salt.
Really?-It's true.
It's amazing.
So you guys start...
I'm actually gonna goand feed the ducks.
[Marcia] Okay.
You are going away?
I love her.-Yeah.
[Buddy] She's a keeper.
Yeah.-[Marcia] And she's pretty.
Yeah.-She is a hell cat.
[laughing]
Hi, there.
Hello.-Hi.
Beautiful day, isn't it?
Yeah, it really is.
Oh, no.
Um... how come you guysare eating our food?
So what was the bet?
If the bucks won, I could
shove a burritoin your face.
The last time you lost, I was
supposed to get topiss on your foot.
I never did.
What are you waiting for?
You want to piss on my foot, be my guest.
Hey, Neil.-Yeah.
You want to see mepiss on his foot?
Sure, yeah, just not in the store.
Take your sneaker off.-Wait slow down.
Now listen, why don't we godouble
or nothing ontonight's game?
I don't understandwhat I get if I win?
How do I double uppissing on your foot?
Both feet.
Oh, shit, I forgot about the game.
I'm supposed togo to Violet's tonight.
What? The pranksterdoesn't
let you watch TV?
It's not that. It's just shelikes to
act stuff out, like a scene I guess.
She couldn't bemore perfect for you.
You think so, right?
Too bad, man, it's gonnabe a great game.
I know, shit.
Are your friends mad at me?
No, they thought it was cute.
Um, so where isthe cat lady tonight?
I don't know, sometimes she goes out.
I think she's balling that
guythat picks up aluminium cans.
Hmm.
Do you think we should
goand check on the cats?
Not especially.
It's been dark over
therefor a few hours now.
I think we should goand check on them.
What's your angle?
Why?
[commentator speaking on TV]
[Neil cheers]Yes!
[table bangs]Yes!
Sorry.
Wow, that was the first coolthing
that happened all night.
Come on, that was amazing.
Wait, are you pissed becausel
want to watch the game?
No, I just don't get it, if youlike basketball,
we could be outplaying basketball right now.
We could be sneaking intoa high school
gym, playingbasketball by candle light.
Yeah, no.
But sometimes, it's nice to do something...
that's fun notscrewy and weird.
You know?
[Violet sighs]
Whenever I'm in a cemeteryl tried
to look for the graveof somebody...
who died the day I was born.
And then you steala headstone and
dumped iton someone's doorstep.
No, just to gives
yousomething to think about.
That guy is here, now he's gone and I'm
here. I'm taking his place, you know?
Would he want me to sit
aroundwatching TV all day?
No.
He would want me to run
around, all sorts of shit.
Is this why you feel the need
togo out and cause trouble?
I have a condition.
It's called bore-phobia.
Bore-phobia?
Bore-phobia.
I see, you'reallergic to boredom.
A very exoticand misunderstood disorder.
So you can understandwhy doctors
are reluctant todiagnose it.
Hey look, you know, I...
I hear what you are saying.
And I wish I could bemore totally
reckless, and I'm trying.
I mean, if you wannago nude hang-gliding,
I'll go nude hang-gliding.
Really? Because I know this guy.
Not right now.-It's a guy...
But I could call him.
Not right now, just let me finish.
I want to those things, but justin
a little more not insane way.
So I'll go nude hang-gliding...
but I just don't want togo
to bed and then wake up...
and find myself in a
hang-gliderwith no clothes on.
Are you okay with that?
I understand.
Good.
You want tocome back to my place?
I don't think so.
Are you upset with me?-No, not at all.
It's just you got in my head nowyou are getting
on your clothesinto a hang glider without...
waking up, it's justmy wheels are spinning.
I just don't think you reallywant
me to be in bed withyou tonight.
Right.
Fair enough.
[singing]
[singing continues]
Hey.-Hey.
A good crowd.-Yeah, it's
a reallygood band tonight.
We've got the singerand the keyboard
player fromthe American Sex Club.
They also get the guitarsand bass
player fromthe Mustache Rides.
Plus, tonight they got thedrummer from Tard
sitting in, so should be pretty bad-ass.
You lost me, dude.
Okay, look, the drummer isnormally in a band
called Tard, tonight he is not, alright?
Alright, ...-Yeah, you go check it out.
It's probably better that
way, learn from doing.
Neil, see you later.
So she likes musicians, huh?
[doorbell rings]
[singing]
Thank you and good night.
That was great.
Of course it was great, baby.
Why don't you get me a beer?
[Neil coughing][Violet laughing]
So, you do thiskind of thing much?
Balling guitar players? I don't
usuallygo for musicians.
Really?
Why did you thinkthat I did, Neil?
Uh, I heardthat chicks dig musicians.
No, magicians, we go nuts for magicians.
Get the wax out of your ears.
Oh?
So you never dated a musiciannot even that
guy that I saw youwith at Baltimore Jacks?
I always know when youare spying on me.
I get a little warm spot on
theback of my neck right here.
That was for my benefit?
[laughing]
You're a sicko.
Maybe, but I managed tobring
out a rock star in you.
I've dated a few musiciansbut I swore off.
Really, why is that?
Well, first, there wasGarry
Leathers.[illegible]
[Neil] At least he hada great stage name.
Except that wasn't a stage name.
Garry Leather's just a givenname,
stage name wasRandy Cocks.
[laughs]Nice.
And then there wasRick Niamacus.
Rick's all the ambition in lifewas play the
entire guitarssolo from hot for teacher.
[guitar playing]
Once in a day, he did it.
After more than ten years,
he finally nailed it.
And after filling his ambitionin life, there
is really onlyone thing left for him to do...
[screaming]
[Violet] Oh god! Oh my god!
Wow.-Hmm.
And that put you offfor musicians forever.
No, but you would think so.
Finally there was Garth Bodka.
Gigantic bald, musical prodigy from Poland.
See I thoughtRock and Roll was a problem...
but this classically trainedgargantuan
was ten timesworse than the rest.
[Neil] Hmm, and how did that go?
[Violet] Hmm, he's been chasingme all
over the countryfor the last three years.
I move to another city, he follows
me and breaksdown my door.
I move to somewhere else, he tracks me
down again, breaks down my door again.
I'm tired, I'm gonna go to bed. Good night.
Here you go.-I'll take this.
Yeah?-Yeah, I'll take this.
Okay.
Steve Jackson.
It's a nice generic
nameyou've got there, Steve.
I guess.
Interesting accent.
Where's the accent from?
Wyoming.-Right.
You catch the gamelast night, Steve?
I think Lakers are gonnawin
it all again this year.
Just like they did last year.
Yeah.
Lakers didn't win the
championlast year, Steve.
Can I just get my card please?
[Neil sighs]
Remember when you werewondering
why we don't havemany customers?
[movie playing]
[man laughing]
[laughing continues]
That's him. That's the guy.
What are you talking about?
Alright, knock it off! You
crazy fucking polark!
[audience applauding]
I got my eye on you, alright?
You ever set foot anywherenear Violet, I
will personallyshit down your throat.
You got it?
What was that?
Oh, oh man.
Violet, she's playing thesetricks on me,
she tries toget inside of my mind...
She thinks it's funny, so
shetells me this guy after her...
this bald guy, ex-boyfriend.
Shh!
Try to watch the movie.
You're the polark.
You're Polish?
Jerry Lucy is gonnamake a salad.
Hello.[door knocking]
Violet?
Hello?
[door knocking]Violet!
Violet!
Hello?
Hello?
Hello?
Jesus!-Neil!
[Violet screams]
Jesus, Violet.
[screams]
This is bullshit.
[screams]
[screaming continues]
Come on now. I get it.
[gasps]
Fuck, fuck.
Okay, okay, okay.
[Neil screams]
You said no onewas gonna get hurt.
What was in your jacket?
God, Neil, you and your video tapes.
I'm sorry he hurt your headyou
think you can make it homealright?
Yeah, I'm okay.
Nice to meet you.-Nice to meet you too.
Denis.
Pa-pa.
[chuckles]
You know every time I see youl feel I'm
in one of thosehidden camera shows?
It's not so bad, people
lovethose shows, right?
No. I don't love those shows.
I hate those shows.
I mean what wasl supposed
to do tonight, huh?
What was supposed to happen?
I don't know! Whatever you want to do.
You are the guy who sitsaround all
day watchingthis kind of shit on TV.
What does the guy on TV do?
What do you mean watch thiskind of shit?
How do you knowwhat I am watching?
Oh my god, do you spy on me?
Da.
[chuckles]
That is crazy!-Why?
Come on, you can't seehow crazy that is?
There is not one guy in theworld would
go out with a girlwho spies on him.
But we're not going out, we're
getting toknow each other.
We're finding outabout each other.
Frankly, there's no better wayto know somebody
than to catchthem in their unguarded moments.
Everybody can say all the rightthings
on those first few dates.
I find that's an effective wayto
cut through the bullshit.
And you followed mejust the other day.
Well...-Uh-huh.
Yes, I followed.
Look, you were being cagey, you were
practically beggingme to follow you home.
I'm not one of those insecuregirls who
runs around spyingon a boyfriend...
because she thinks hemay be
cheating on him. That is just sad.
No, you definitelyproject confidence.
Yeah, yeah.
I happen to thinkl'm a real catch...
so why shouldn't I be
thoroughabout who I go out with?
Yes, so I watched youand I find
out you area very decent person.
You are.
So if it's the spyingthat bothers you,
I promiseto put down my binoculars.
Unless you want to gobird-watching
in whichl would gladly do.
Even though it soundskind of boring.
Um...
No, I'm sorry, I can't... I can't...
[door bangs]
Oh, man.
[Lucien] I still say that Koreansnuff cartoons
are much betterthan Japanese death-match anime.
[John] I say the
Japanesedeath-match anime...
is much, much betterthan
Korean snuff cartoons.
I still say that Korean snuffcartoons are
much better thanJapanese death-match anime.
You're crazy!
Japanese death-match animeis so much
better thanKorean snuff cartoons.
You're crazy!
Korean snuff cartoons...-Shut up!
Shut up! Shut up! Shut up!
Excuse me, you guys have
anyJapanese death-match anime?
Yes, but we can't talk about it, because
our boss broke upwith his girlfriend.
I think I'm gonna leaveyou guys alone.
Hey.
Have you ever seen
anyKorean snuff cartoons?
No.-Yeah, nobody has. It's garbage.
Hi Neil!-Hi.
How is it going?-Good, good, how are you?
Good, you look good.-I know, thank you.
You do too.-Thanks
It's so funny I was justthinking about you.
Is that a fact?-Yeah.
Hey, you.-Oh, hey.
This is Chad.
Chad.-Hi.
This is the guy I was
justtelling you about.
Your old boyfriend?
Yeah, guilty.
They guy that let the waiterthrow
a bucket of wateron you?
First of all, it wasn't a bucketand I was just
trying to observefrom a distance her reaction...
Sounds like a perv to me.
That's cool.
So you were just hangingin the bushes and
jerking offlike some pathetic peeping tom?
We should definitelyget together some time.
[Lucien] Last but not
least, there's a letter...
from a place calledMovie
Dork Videoin San Clement.
This guy is going underand
he needs to liquidate.
So he wants 3000 bucks.
And if we buy everything for3000 bucks, he'll
give usfree shipping, which is great...
but obviously, there's a lot ofcrap here we
don't need, like8 copies of Ernest Ghosts camp.
But he does have some
stuffthat we don't have.
So we could just take everythingand save on
the shipping, which is not a bad idea...
or we can cherry-pickand...
[DVDs banging]
We can do this later, if you want.
Oh, god, Lucien. She's
ruined it for me, Lucien.
It's all so boring now.
Hey, let's put in a movie.
No, no more movies.
It's no use, it's notenough
anymore, you know?
It's just all so mundaneand
so predictable, Lucien.
Oh, hey, look. It's Jason.
Jason is gonna come in here...
and he's gonna hand me a packageand
then he's gonnahand me his thing...
And I'm gonna sign the thingand hand it right
back to himand he's gonna get in his truck.
He's gonna drive off.
Woo... it's so predictable, Lucien.
It's not enough anymore.
You know, where is the... where's
the adventure, you know?
There is no adventure, man.
Where is the adventure, Lucien?
You signed "Neil Adventure".
I did?
Crossed out "Adventure", you
wrote "Adventure" again...
What does it matter, Jason?
Huh?
Matters because I'mresponsible
for any package...
that doesn't have a
validsignature of receipt.
Jesus Christ.- I don't make the rules.
Lighten up, Jason.
[phone ringing]
[phone ringing]
[ringing continues]
Gumshoe Video.
Do you guys have westerns?
Yes, we do.
OK, I really want to rent a couple of Westerns,
but I only have enough money for one.
As it happens, we're actuallydoing a special
tonight, which means you can get...
Here is the thing, I only feel comfortable renting
the Westerns from a guy dressed as a cowboy.
Do you have anybody there
dressing like a cowboy?
Fuck you.
Fuck you.
[phone ringing]
Gumshoe Video.
Why did you hang up on me?
Um, I guess I'm nevergonna learn huh?
I know, it's brilliant.
So I wonder how you knewwhat I was wearing.
Don't bother looking out the
window, I'm actually at work.
You have a job?
Yeah, you wanna come pick me up from work?
Um... well, I was gonnagive the
store open foranother hour, so...
You have to come now.
Yeah, I guess I could... I
guess I could come now.
Parking lot behind the bookstore
and then walk north up the alley.
Hmm, this sounds dubious.
Oh, it's very dubious.
There is a stair leading up to
the door on the second floor.
Doorway to the second floor, got it.
[door creaks]
When you get to the door, you're gonna give
it three long knocks and three short knocks.
Three long knocks, three
short knocks, got it.
And Neil, you absolutely have
to keep the cowboy outfit on.
[Violet chuckles]
[door banging]
[man laughs]
Oh, hey, take it easy, brother.
Just take it easy.-Wait, man.
Hey.-Hang on.
You hang on.-Hang on.
Come on.
Okay, cow boy, just be cool, alright?
Don't do anything crazy.
God damn it, Glenn, just give him the cash!
Alright, nobody needs toget hurt, okay?
Okay, guys?
Alright, Glenn.[clearing throat]
Why don't you just tossthat pouch
over herereal nice and easy like?
[Neil] Then we'll justtake it from there.
Good.
Now you stay right there, I'm just gonna
take a look atthe little Missy here.
What the hell is going onin here, Glenn?
Be careful, Andy, he's got a gun.
How did he get in here, Glenn?
We let him in, Andy.
Why did you let him in, Glenn?
He used the secret knock, Andy.
I told you the secret knockwas a bad idea!
No, you didn't.-Yes, I did!
I said as soon asyou leak it
out, it's not a secret anymore!
No, that's what you said
aboutthe secret password, Andy.
It's the samegoddamn thing, Glenn!
Alright, guys, I get it, I get it.
Andy, come on, Andy.
I get it, come on.
Why don't you stepover
there behind the desk...
Damn it, Glenn!-Andy!
What's he wearing?
What does it look like?
It looks like a dress.-No, it's a poncho.
He's obviously a cowboy, you've
never seena cowboy before?
So what have you guysgot
going on here, huh?
[crowd talking]
Holy shit!
An underground black jack club.
Bang!
Hey, you look like the good,
the bad and the ugly.
Come here, poncho!
After him!
Faster!
[Glenn grunts]
Shit!
Bang!
Glenn! Glenn!-Andy, what?
What are you doing?
I'm washing myself, I'm
cooling down, I'm hot.
What happened toyour head, you okay?
I fell down.
You okay?
No, I'm not okay, I've got a headache.
[windows banging]
Hey.
Oh my god, oh my god, oh my god!
Do you know what we did?
Listen, Neil, it wasn't supposedto be dangerous,
the ownerwasn't supposed to be there...
I never thought for a minutethat
somebody was gonnashoot at you.
Holy shit, that was the wildestthing
I've ever donein my whole life.
How many people can say
they'vedone something like that?
I thought you'd never want tosee me again.
Are you kidding me?
There was like20,000 dollars in this bag.
How long have youbeen planning this?
I mean, this is genius.
Wait, you know I think thatthey
think it's an inside job.
Because if they do, you
should quit right away, no!
Not right away, you should tellthem that you
suffer from somekind of post-traumatic stress.
That way, they won'tsuspect anything.
I'm serious, Neil.
I thought you wouldn'twant to have
anythingto do with me after this.
We need to find a way to getmy car back, good
thing you toldme to park it up the street.
I guess I can have Luciengo get it, right?
What is it? My cut? Is that my cut, baby?
How does this work?
I guess you're the brains,
I'm the monkey wrench, yeah?
Yeah?
You know what I hate aboutall those
old detective moviesyou always watch?
No, what?
It's always so obviousthe
dame was up to no good.
It always turns outthe girl's playing
the guyfor a sap every time...
and everybody knows
itexcept for the poor sap.
No, there are some good movieswhere
the dame turns outto be alright.
Uh, Key Lago for instance.
You're the nicest guyl've ever met.
And I'm a terrible person.
Out on the wall sounds of banging
is constant coming from your head
And desperate the calls came and ringing
from those wanna wring your neck
Your neck
[Neil sobbing]
Open your mouth sounds of breathing
found it spilling from your face
[sobbing]
Best to be dim to be humble of
traffic stepping on your name
Count on...
Us all falling our own swords tonight
[sobbing]
Chilling walk home down the portions roads
there leading straight to your place
And look like the tin can with swallows
the kitchen plugging up your space
Count on us all stepping on
Our own toes tonight
Are you never gonna
stopfalling for this shit?
What?
What?
What?
What're you doing to me, Violet?
Why are you doing this?
Why are you like this?
Because I really like you.
Give me a break.-No, I'm crazy about you.
I believethe first half of that.
I'm just tryingto protect myself.
It doesn't make any sense.-It doesn't?
Let me guess, you've neverbeen in a
relationship longerthan a year, right?
Fifteen months.-Fifteen months
before youstart to get restless...
just one year before you startedto look at your
girlfriend likeshe's an old comfortable shoe.
Because she is not... or...[illegible]
It's just a matter of timebefore zip
out the door, nice knowing you, right?
Does it make me crazy, becausel never want you
to look at melike an old comfortable shoe.
You're the sweetest, most interesting,
most creative guy I've ever met.
But you're fundamentallyscrewed
up, I mean...
you've spent half ofyour life hanging
outwith fictional characters...
and what woman canlive up to that?
Oh.
And I shouldpoint out, Neil, that...
it takes two to tango, I mean, if you are not the
most gullibleson of a bitch I've ever met...
I wouldn't feel obligedto
do these things to you.
Give me a break, you're likethe baby
that nevergets tired of peek-a-boo.
Every time it's like you'venever
seen this trick before.
Maybe you're right, maybe I'm some
kind ofsick, twisted baby but...
come on, how canthis possibly work?
How can people live like this?
And how do I knowyou're not
gonnavanish in a couple of days?
That's easy, just don'tlet
me out your sight.
I mean how do I know, I'm notgonna end up in a
bathtub of icewater with my liver taking out.
It's either spending your lifewondering
whether I'm goingto steal your liver...
or try to find a womanyou'll never
take for granted, you choose.
Can a person livewithout his liver?
What do I look like, the surgeon general?
Okay.
Put some clothes on, you gotta
take a ridein the new car.
Come on!
Wait, um...
Neil, come on!
Hurry, hurry, hurry! Come on!
Wow!-Ta-da!
Ha-ha, you... you spent
all thatmoney on a car?
You think I want to walkaround the
rest of my lifelooking like a schmuck?
Well, I like it.
Yeah?-Yeah.
And I didn't spend all the moneynot even
close, that was a lotof money we stole.
Hey, I stole.
Yeah, well, there is enoughmoney
left for a week in Vegas.
Oh, I don't even want to thinkabout the
kind of troubleyou'll get me into in Vegas.
Puerto Vallerta?
No, no, no, Mexican prisons,
I've heard stories.
Mount Rushmore.
Defacing a national
monument five to ten years.
Graceland.
Graceland, huh?
Hey, um, you'regonna let me drive?
How come?
I just have this image of youpulling
a Thelma & Louise and phew...
[chuckles]