Watermelon Man (1970) Movie Script

79, 80, 80, JUMP, 82,
83, 84, 85, 86...
Come on, harder.
Come on, yell.
Jimmy crack corn,
and i don't care
Jimmy crack corn,
and i don't care
my master's gone away
Take that, my good man.
Oh, you are fast,
Muhammad aAli.
You are fast, all right.
Ooh! Rabbit punch.
Jesus, ref, are you blind?
You're a credit to your race.
...damage estimated
in the millions.
It's the 3rd such outbreak
in this area this month
and reflects the unrest
that has plagued the area
since early last year
when similar conflagrations
all across the country...
Morning, troop.
Hello, sweetheart.
Hey, Burton.
Should another such incident occur,
he would be compelled to ask
for special federal riot troops,
an action that no one wants.
Least of all, the White House
which has been hopeful
that such disturbances were over,
at least for the time being.
That's got to be the smallest screen
in the world.
They look like ants.
They're getting very dangerous.
A screen that size ought to
only have 15-minute shows.
Get it?
Small screen, small shows.
You said that yesterday.
You didn't get it yesterday either.
It wasn't funny yesterday
any more than it'll be funny tomorrow.
Critics everywhere.
Aren't you concerned
with the civil rights issue?
Yeah, sure.
Most people are just crazy.
They think at any moment
a negro's gonna hit 'em over the head
with a watermelon and steal
their high school ring.
I think white people
have to show greater interest
and understanding. How else--
Look, aAlthea.
Your bus will be coming by soon.
I'd like to give 'em a head start.
Makes a contest out of it.
It is now post time.
Thank you, my dear.
Off to another smash week
in the insurance gig.
I want you to know that I feel
I'm leading a boring life.
I am so advised.
You were so advised yesterday.
It wasn't funny yesterday either.
Don't kiss me.
I wasn't gonna kiss you,
it's just that my shorts
are too tight, that's all.
Mommy, can we watch daddy run out the door?
No, you may not.
Oh, boy.
There goes your stupid bus.
Doesn't stand a chance.
There he is, the son of a bitch!
Step on it, you got him by 50 yards!
Sorry, folks, I got to
make a stop at this corner.
have your exact change ready, folks.
Come on.
Hurry up! Hurry up!
Go! Go! Go! Go!
Hey. Hey. Hey. Hey.
oh, shit.
Winner, and still undefeated, folks.
Pay some respectful homage, please.
Some applause, please?
Shows you have good taste, lady.
Fare, please
Arrogant, arrogant.
They're all arrogant.
In the good old days, back in the old south,
you'd have to drive from back here!
Get it? Back of the bus?
Why don't you take
all the money you save
racing this bus and race a cab?
That is very funny.
Hey, driver, you hear that?
I'm only good for short distances.
100 yards, maybe.
But over a long haul,
they just don't have it in 'em.
Camptown race track
5 miles long
doo-dah, doo-dah
Camptown race track
5 miles long
See you tomorrow, fans.
Same time, same station.
Yeah, you're not such
a big shot when it rains, are you?
When it rains, you ride.
No, no, when it rains, it pours.
come on, joe.
hey, joe, come on.
come on, come on.
mornin', mr. gerber.
ah, mornin', joe.
how goes it?
oh, ok.
any rioting in
the neighborhood last night?
uh, i don't see
any broken windows.
what's the matter? this place
ain't good enough to loot?
oh, mr. gerber.
the usual, mr. gerber?
oh, yes. uh,
but make mine a double.
i'm feeling a bit
under par this morning.
oh. one double polynesian
health juice
comin' up.
hey, uh, no offense
about that, uh, that
looting remark, you know?
oh, no, mr. gerber.
i know you don't go
for that sort of thing.
no, ok.
and of course, if you did,
it would be very hard for
the police to identify you.
i mean, an hour later,
all you cats look alike.
all us guys look--
oh, mr. gerber.
here's to your health.
[phone ringing]
oh, excuse me,
mr. gerber.
hello, no, goodbye.
hey, joe,
there's an extra nickel
in there for you.
thank you,
mr. gerber.
thank you, mr. gerber.
forget it.
ok, buddy, this is a hijack.
take this elevator to harlem.
hey, how'd you do
on the poker game, andy?
uh, uh, ok, fine.
hey, uh, when are
you and dotty
comin' over to the house
to try out my new barbecue?
oh, uh, soon--soon.
r-r-real soon.
5 saturdays in a row
i asked you.
i'm beginnin' to think
y'all don't like us.
don't be silly, it's--
it's--it's just that, uh...
ok. then we'll expect you
next saturday at 5:00,
and no more excuses
about the children
being sick.
well, actually, uh, dotty
hasn't been feeling well.
get her cured
by the weekend.
sluts, sluts.
all of you, sluts.
next thing you know,
you'll be
smoking cigarettes.
hello, there, erica,
you gorgeous hunk of sweden.
norway, sweden,
what difference does it make?
as long as you're a blonde.
are you?
just curious.
i mean, how many girls
are really blonde
all the way?
collars and cuffs?
excuse me, mr. gerber,
but i must get back
to my desk.
$1 if you walk fast
and stop short.
$2 if you trot.
$5 if you run.
and $10 if you're
really a blonde.
gerber! in here.
yes, sir, mr. townsend.
and $50 if you're a fella.
the top of the morning
to you, mr. townsend.
how are you?
gerber, sit down
and stop being so damn happy.
it's depressing.
yes, sir.
gerber, i am not
going to mince words.
you have turned in
a very disappointing month.
well, i must say
i agree with you.
but considering
the time of year--
look, i'm just pointing out
it's a subproductive month.
i'm not asking why.
it's income tax time.
though people die,
they seldom buy.
gerber, look, i may as well
come right out and say this.
it's time somebody told you--
i've got bad breath.
bad breath.
you got something
much worse than that.
offensive perspiration,
midriff bulge, uh,
dingy dentures,
asiatic crud.
there, that's exactly
that kind of a remark.
you, gerber, are a smart ass.
a number one,
king-size smart ass!
i'm the best salesman
in this office.
you were.
but your rate of new policies
is dropping.
here, i've been going about
particularly trying
to sell policies
only to younger men
who can live longer,
and pay premiums longer,
and you don't appreciate it.
anybody can sell a policy
to a 90-year-old man
with a cough
and the shingles.
listen to me, gerber,
your customers
curl up their toes
at the same rate as all
of our other customers.
yeah, well, of course,
if 23 of my customers
go down in
a sailing boat accident,
that's bound to raise
the mortality rate!
what sailing boat?
uh, in the squall.
what squall?
oh, no, no, it was the train
the train.
33 of them went
right off the trestle.
what train?
uh, would you
believe a--a tidal wave
in kansas city?
a--a--a volcano
in poughkeepsie?
uh, mass suicides
in fire island.
ok, mr...
mr. townsend,
about your breath...
hey, look, make it
easier on yourself.
home, office?
your house.
ok, then. tuesday.
5:30, very good.
good show.
see you then, john.
6 out of 6.
the kid does tricks.
clark dunwoodie, please.
oh, hi. hey, clark.
jeff gerber,
superior standard life.
hey, how about that lunch
i've been promising you, huh?
good show.
anytime you say.
(male newscaster on t.v.)
local black leaders
doing their utmost
to keep their pledge...
what are you trying to prove
with all that running?
don't bug me, althea,
i had a traumatic day.
13 appointments
out of 15 calls.
is that all you watch?
race riots?
what are you, perverse?
it's an important problem.
(male newscaster)
...was announced that
should a request be made
for federal intervention,
army units would be
immediately made available--
i was watching.
i'm gonna have my dinner
without watching
a bunch of uppity darkies
jigging up and down
on my t.v. screen.
why are you so hateful?
i'm not hateful,
and don't start telling me
i have a personality problem.
i said no such thing.
i merely tried to point out
that there's an issue
in this country today
that has to do with
the equal rights of man.
what kind of dinner is this?
what kind of dinner
is this, huh?
eskimos chew on blubber.
there's your old
persecution complex.
whenever you're hurt, attack.
well, that's what
this is all about.
[male newscaster chattering]
i don't want you staying up
too late, burton.
you should've done that
this afternoon.
go to sleep, dear.
maybe tomorrow morning
i'll let you watch
your father
run out of the house.
why can't he walk
like everybody else?
perhaps he's afraid
somebody will catch him.
kids at school
laugh at him.
they call me,
"son of speedy."
why does daddy
race buses, mommy?
nobody seems to know, dear.
is it like
some people save stamps?
yes, exactly.
some people save stamps,
some make model airplanes,
some drink, some smoke pot.
well, your father
races busses.
if he smoked pot,
he'd get there faster.
good night, children.
uh, our house is worth
$37,000 on the open market.
mmm, that's nice.
that's 17 percent more
than we paid for it.
mmm, you need a haircut.
are we gonna get ready
for bed early tonight?
it's wednesday.
it's monday.
let's pretend
it's wednesday.
forget it.
i'm going to bed.
you'll know where
to find me.
how come you are not
watching the riots?
haven't started yet.
what's the movie?
i don't know.
what's the commercial?
i don't know.
keep yourself pretty
well-informed, don't you?
i think we have to
face up to something.
oh, look. don't start.
you can't stand
the sight of me.
i can so.
you can't stand to touch me.
wrong again.
there's no
passion in our life.
there's plenty of passion
in our life.
let's pretend
it's wednesday.
look, sweetie,
i've had a hard day.
i know you're tired, but...
at least let me wake up
on your side of the bed
like we used to,
thursday mornings.
as soon as
janice was born,
we stopped
going to bed.
now, that's an exaggeration.
we can't afford
more than 2 children.
unless we have 6 at one time.
that way, everything's free.
and we can give them all away,
except the spotted one.
we can make love without
having children, you know.
there are methods,
there are devices.
they're not foolproof.
they are if you use them
all at the same time.
i'm not making love
to any heavy tank.
i've still got some
good years left, jeff.
i take something,
and i wear something,
and i keep count,
and if you...
(man on t.v.)
we were so right
to come here, dearest.
to get away.
yes, ralph, i know.
it's lovely.
being with you, sylvia.
being with you, ralph.
(newscaster on t.v.)
it marks the first time
federalized troops
have been used in this city.
black leaders have warned that
should such a situation...
how now,
brown cow.
it's a nightmare.
that's what it is, old buddy
a nightmare.
must be something you ate.
that's right,
something you ate.
put up your hands.
give me your
high school ring.
a nightmare
or too much sun lamp.
boy, what a great sun lamp.
i'm having a nightmare
about my sun lamp.
so don't wake up
and try and talk me
out of it.
it's just
a little nightmare
about a great sun lamp.
i'm going back to bed now.
i know that when i wake up
again in the morning,
my skin will be
lovely and white.
so just stay asleep, althea.
because as long
as you're asleep,
it's a nightmare.
but if you wake up
and begin screaming,
it won't be
a nightmare anymore.
and i don't want
that to happen.
so just stay asleep, althea.
as long as you're asleep,
it's a nightmare.
and all night long,
it'll be a nightmare.
it's a nightmare.
it's a nightmare.
it's not a nightmare.
sure is an even tan.
what a great sun lamp.
what a great nightmare
about a great sun lamp.
that's an old wife's tale.
[shower running]
mommy says i can watch you
run out of the house today.
dad, you in the shower?
i'm having a nightmare.
can we watch you
run out of the house?
uh, no, sweetheart, i--i--i
won't be going to work today.
i'm not feeling well.
but mommy said.
dad, the whole house
is getting steamed up.
so is your old man.
listen, burton?
uh, tell your mother to get
you both off to school,
and then come in here.
you mean, you won't be
racing the bus today?
don't ever bring up
the race issue again.
[door closing]
oh, lord, i've never been
a religious man.
i won't try to
kid you about that.
i don't go to church,
and i only pray
when i'm feeling
scared or rotten.
i meant to pray last night.
perhaps you're angry
because i didn't.
anyway, lord,
i'm in trouble now.
which is why
i'm trying to make contact.
please, lord, make it all be
a terrific nightmare.
and will you see a nice person
come out of this shower?
i want you to know
that i am a true believer.
there are no atheists
in this shower.
i'm praying now, lord.
do you hear me?
if you hear me,
don't say or do anything.
good. ok, lord.
i'm coming out now.
and i wouldn't care
if i gained 20 pounds
as long as i'm white.
here i come, lord.
jeff, jeff, jeff there's
a negro in your shower!
it is not a negro.
yes, yes, yes,
it is, it is.
i saw him. call the police,
he'll kill us.
i am not a negro.
i'm me.
if this is another
one of your jokes...
now look, althea,
i'm coming out
of this shower again
and i want no screaming,
you hear?
now, there's
a logical answer to this,
but we'll never find out
if i dry up into a prune
in this shower.
now i'm coming out again,
you hear? ok?
yes. ok.
now, hand me a towel.
all right.
here i come, ready or not.
open your eyes, althea,
i need a friendly opinion.
did you have to
give me a white towel?
you simp.
boy, you sure have a warped
sense of humor, baby.
oh, my god.
oh, my good god.
oh, shut up,
there is no god.
he don't give a damn.
you--you look like a negro.
i know what i look like.
shut up.
i mean a dark one.
i mean, i mean,
if i didn't know you--
will you shut up, althea?
oh, oh, should i hide
the money?
oh, you are hilarious.
h-how do you know
you're you?
that's the dumbest thing
you've ever said.
of course i know it's me.
i can tell
from my bridge work.
look. see? huh? huh?
your teeth are very white.
that's the contrast.
and your hair.
my hair's always been
naturally curly.
w-w-what about
your birthmarks?
i can't find them anymore.
maybe i've been overdoing
the sun lamp a bit.
a bit! if you spent
as much time in bed
as you do
under that sun lamp,
maybe we would have
more children.
this is no time to discuss
additional children.
no, i'd say not.
what would
the neighbors think
if we'd have colored kids
running around!
i am not colored!
well, that's your story.
when's the last time
you looked in the mirror?
i-it's the sun lamp,
isn't it?
because you wouldn't be
teasing me like that
if it wasn't the sun lamp,
'cause you're
not a cruel person.
don't you touch me.
oh, boy. you're a treat.
you're something to have
around in an emergency.
you know, you know,
it's very strange.
my mother always thought
you were a little
on the dark side.
i mean, she never came
right out and asked me.
your mother
is in no position
to judge
other people's races.
the way her eyes slant up,
my mother always thought
she was chinese.
silliest thing i ever heard.
oh, yeah?
well, then how come
her feet are so small?
and--and how come
whenever you asked her
when she was born,
she always says
"the year of the dragon"?
and how come
she was always so anxious
to--to wash my shirts?
does that sound like
a white woman to you, huh?
my mother has
almond-shaped eyes.
so has mao tse-tung.
she eats too damn much rice.
if you ask me,
she's a member
of the red guard.
all right, jeff,
all right.
but it isn't a chinese issue
we're discussing.
we're discussing
a negro issue.
it's a sun lamp issue.
well, that may
very well be, but you--
you certainly can't go
to the office like that.
oh, my god,
what time is it?
gladys is in the office now.
that's the first thing.
i got to report in sick.
you can't tell her that
you woke up sunburned.
sometime, althea, sometime.
look, i won't be
coming in today.
well, i'm, uh,
feeling a bit off color.
anyway, uh, gladys,
uh, look, just cancel
all my appointments
for the day, ok?
tell 'em i'll call 'em
tomorrow, ok?
ok. thank you.
the trick is to be
logical and rational.
i got a warrantee around her
for that sun lamp.
let's see,
logical and rational, yeah.
you really think
it's the sun lamp,
don't you?
oh, you'd like me to be
colored, wouldn't you?
well, not really.
but it would serve you right
with that attitude
of white supremacy.
well, i didn't see you
exactly runnin' over
to hug and kiss me
when you thought
i was a negro.
i was upset because i thought
you were a stranger.
oh, beans. if it was
a white stranger
coming out of that shower,
you'd have humped him.
ah, here it is.
they're a reputable company.
i'm sure this has
happened before.
yeah, all over africa.
oh, just keep it up, baby.
just keep it up.
hello, i'd like to speak--
to--to speak to somebody
with regard
to your sun lamp
model l.t.34x.
oh, it's working, all right.
a--a little bit too well.
uh, uh, thank you.
they're switching me
to the manager.
hello, my name is gerber.
uh, i've got one of your
model l.t.34x sun lamps.
uh, serial number 36677231.
uh, yeah. well,
the problem is...
that's an old wife's tale.
excuse me.
uh, the problem is, uh,
it's made me rather dark.
well, a little darker
than was necessary.
uh, yes, once in the morning,
and, uh, once at night.
uh, yes,
i--i--i use a lotion.
uh, well, it's kind
of my own concoction.
uh, baby oil, cocoa butter,
iodine, and soy sauce.
about one third soy sauce.
well, of course
you never heard of it.
it's my own formula.
l-look, you don't
seem to understand.
it's left me very tan.
yes, very.
very dark.
yes, very.
you stupid!
no, it's not a joke.
i am not sir percival
pulling your leg.
42, tangerine lane, and i'm
a dissatisfied customer.
hello? hello? hello?
can you beat that?
they want to send me
a new sun lamp.
that's very
sporting of them.
what the hell am i going
to do with a new sun lamp?
well, maybe
you could mate them.
you're just
having a dandy time, boy.
oh, relax, jeff.
you wouldn't hug me
unless you really thought
i was white, right?
oh, poor baby,
don't worry.
you'll be white again.
hey, wait a minute.
what is it?
there are things we can do.
i mean, what do they do
when they want to look white?
th-they must use
salves and creams.
hair straighteners.
i don't want
my hair straightened,
i want my skin straightened.
what the hell else
are we talkin' about?
where are you going?
to one of their drug stores.
call me a cab.
your cab's here.
what are you doing?
the door's not open
on the cab.
go on out there and open
the door on the cab.
[knock at door]
[car door closes]
take me to
the colored section.
nice neighborhood.
what do you do there?
mow the lawn?
what do they pay you?
i get to sleep with
the lady of the house.
would you put
your hands down?
all i want is a pair
of sunglasses. now, look,
i got a skin problem.
what's this, and this?
get me a paper bag.
no, better yet, get me a box,
a box, a big box.
there you go.
all right, let's see now.
uh-huh, white, yeah.
ok, give me some of these.
yeah. pearl sheen.
uh-huh, all right.
now, let's see now.
ah, try some of this
white folk stuff here.
now, let's see here,
that's good.
"beautiful bleach,"
that's probably great.
"miracle wash."
hair straightener.
that'll help.
more processing stuff, there.
all right.
remember, if anybody asks you
if you ever saw me in here,
you never laid eyes on me.
mum's the word.
any change?
but i don't imagine
it would be immediate.
i mean, i don't think
any intelligent negro
expects it to be immediate.
don't be so militant.
it's different.
i'm not militant, i'm white.
i expect it to be immediate.
we've rubbed in
4 different brands.
don't you think
we ought to stop?
come on, put on some more
hair straightener.
come on. here.
jeffrey, i don't want you
to get all excited,
but i do think
you're a little whiter.
it's hard to tell
through the cream.
i think you're right.
ar-ar-around the neck here,
around the neck.
and around the chin?
yes, the chin, too.
and--and around
the nose, mmm?
you're lying to me,
don't lie to me, althea.
just don't lie to me.
oh, this is crazy. i don't
want to be this color.
what are you doing up there?
calm down.
oh, i'll yell all i want.
he can't hear me.
he's the white man's god.
jeff, you're not a negro.
oh, my goodness,
i'm getting darker.
come on.
get all this crap off me.
come on, quick.
oh, my god, i need more.
oh, come on,
i'm getting darker.
jeff, calm down.
i can't take a--
i can't take a shower.
'cause if i take a shower,
my body will shrink and...
[muffled yelling]
will you calm down,
the children will be coming
home from school soon.
and i don't want you
getting them upset.
wait until they find out
they have a colored daddy.
huh? wait till i get down
my knee and i sing mammy.
you got yourself
into it, jeff.
oh, my goodness,
th-these creams don't work.
no wonder negroes riot.
i mean,
these are worthless hoaxes.
i'm your father.
sure, hi, dad.
hi, dad.
don't you have anything
you want to say to me?
your face is dirty.
that's a nice thing
to say to your father.
sure is a heck of a tan
you got, dad.
you look like
a colored man.
that's very good.
thank you, burton.
we could use you
at the u.n.
come on, kids.
i'll get your dinner ready.
what are we having?
black-eyed peas,
hominy grits,
corn bread, ham hocks.
what's with him?
didn't get to race his bus
this morning.
he's a little upset.
why are you
doing that, daddy?
doing what,
racing busses.
come on, janice,
you don't want
your ham hocks to get cold.
in here,
or in the dining room?
what is it?
i got to see.
maybe it's
the lighting in here.
maybe in the daylight,
i'll look less colored.
what are you going to do?
i'm going for a walk.
where to?
in the backyard.
how brave of you.
well, you're certainly
getting whiter whites
these days.
aren't you, mrs. johnson?
(mrs. johnson)
oh, yes,
i'm using a new detergent.
well, i wish you'd tell
my wife the brand
because we have a few things
around our house
that really need whitening.
jeff, are you all right?
you're hardly breathing.
i don't want to ruin it.
you look like
a birthday cake.
it's getting very late.
can't you at least
lie down in bed?
i'm afraid i'll roll over
and destroy the mold.
all right.
my last words:
pray for me.
[rooster crowing]
jeff, are you asleep?
my god, you've set.
jeff, jeff, are you breathing?
how to do this?
try not to hurt you.
i'm sorry about that.
jeff, can you speak?
how do you feel?
can you speak?
like a broken leg.
oh, thank god
you're all right.
my beard is strangling me.
i'll have you out in a jiffy.
[jeff groaning]
be careful
with that chisel.
careful with that chisel,
i've got enough dimples.
i think i'm getting
the hang of it now.
what color am i?
uh, well, uh,
uh, i'll have to open the blinds.
do it gradually.
remove a little
around the ears.
all righty.
w-w-w-what color am i?
uh, did you drink
any more milk?
yeah, i had another quart,
and then my hand
was paralyzed.
oh, poor thing. you know,
if we'd only known,
i could've rigged you
up a tube or something
what color am i, althea?
well, uh, let's see.
tell me the truth,
but tell me i'm white, althea.
you're white.
oh, god.
dark white.
well, i'm sure
you're white,
but you're a little
on the dark side.
wait. get me to a mirror.
i'm black! i'm black!
i'm black!
i'm black!
i'm a nigger!
i'm a nigger!
jeff, you'll have a stroke.
i don't want a stroke.
i want appendicitis.
i want to throw
myself off a bridge,
out of a window.
[jeff yelling]
i want my whiteness back.
where's that schmucky
white knight on that
schmucky white horse?
stick me. stick me.
turn me white. rinso-white.
jeff, the neighbors.
the neighbors, the neighbors
the neighborhood.
[jeff yelling]
there goes the neighborhood.
there it goes.
jeff, stop that.
i'm black!
i'm black!
oh, milk.
oh, cleanse me,
oh, great milk.
oh, clean me, great milk.
make me free again.
you're white. you're a nut,
but you're white.
i want all
the mirrors removed
from this house, woman.
that's a direct order
from your husband, othello.
oh, you stupid little boy,
is this the way
you face a problem?
shut up!
you've abused your skin.
you've dyed your skin.
yes, yes, i--i did.
w-wasn't that silly of me?
it was stupid.
yes, stupid. insane.
shut up.
well, i got to get back
to work.
you might as well
forget this day and...
so just relax.
the kids are off to school.
come on down,
i'll make you some breakfast.
i am not sure.
this emotionalizing
isn't retarding your skin
from returning
to its normal color.
you're making
great sense, althea.
i don't know, maybe--
maybe we needed this
little emergency to, uh,
make us realize how much
we need
and love each other.
i sure hate to think
every married couple
has to get
all shook up like this
just to see
how much they're in love.
no riots yesterday.
maybe that's a good omen.
[doorbell rings]
jeff, the ku klux klan
never rings the bell.
ah, gerber?
couple of packages here.
i want you sign
right here.
we didn't order anything.
sun lamp.
just put...
[jeff screaming]
jeff, jeff, stop it!
wait a minute!
jeff, jeff, stop!
get me out of here!
jeff, jeff, jeff, jef!
i don't think i know you.
jeff, back! i said, back.
jeff! jeff!
[jeff screaming]
back, back.
i said, back.
back. back,
jeff, jeff, back.
back, back. i said, back.
get back. just get back.
back, back, back.
back, back, back.
i said, jeff, back down.
talk about black power.
i'm--i'm terribly sorry.
that's all right.
never mind.
i must have
the wrong address.
put it on my head.
that guy needs a sun lamp
like fred astaire
needs dancing lessons.
look, just close the door
behind me, that's all.
let me go.
i heard. i heard him.
so you heard?
he thinks i'm colored.
so what?
you thought you were colored.
until you learned the fact
you thought you
were colored, right?
so why shouldn't
he think you're colored?
you're right again, althea.
i tell you,
you're a growing source
of strength to me.
you could've killed that man.
i suppose so.
the negroes in the city
have enough trouble
without your killing
a white man.
and what is that
supposed to mean?
what's wrong with dad,
too much sun lamp.
ooga, booga, doo.
i'm getting
whiter and whiter.
ooga, booga, dooga, doo.
ooga, booga, dooga, do
o. me, friend.
not funny.
you got enough milk?
think you're
getting any whiter?
no, but my skin
is getting lovely and soft.
you know, you've
been in there 3 hours.
you're going to marinate.
isn't it cold?
yeah, a little.
want me to warm it up
a little?
you know i hate warm milk.
have you decided
whether or not you're going
to work tomorrow?
i'm going to work.
i promised the kids
they could watch you
run out of the house.
did you promise them
they could stay up
and watch the cross burn
on our front lawn?
well, is there
anything i can get you?
a box of graham crackers
or some bosco?
i don't need companionship.
i've got my book.
yes, i know,
voodoo without
killing chickens.
they told me at the library
it's number one in haiti.
ooga, booga, dooga, doo.
ooga, boog
a, dooga, doo.
bon voyage.
ooga, booga, dooga, doo.
ooga, dooga, booga, doo.
the bus!
the bus is coming, yay!
[jeff humming]
[children exclaim]
there he is!
back in action!
[passengers clamoring]
let's go, man.
let's go. let's go.
is that him?
what happened to him?
of course it's him.
has to be him.
what happened to him?
son of a bitch! look, somebody
might've killed him by now.
it's him!
[all yelling]
he's catching up!
he's catching up!
[passengers chattering]
hey! hey! hey!
[women screaming]
[people shouting]
stop! thief!
where are you running,
sea biscuit?
police violence!
sure. what's in the case?
(woman #1)
isn't safe anymore.
i didn't do anything!
(woman #1)
isn't safe anymore.
(woman #2)
it's terrible. just terrible.
break it up.
shoes. i told you.
try 'em on, cinderella.
well, they're yours,
all right.
i told you!
somebody got a complaint
against this man?
somebody see him
steal anything?
speak up.
i didn't see him,
but he must have.
what is it, officer?
what did this man do?
(woman #1)
oh, they stick together.
what did he do?
(woman #1)
he stole something.
what did i steal?
who saw me steal something?
anybody see this man
steal anything?
a purse, a wallet?
how about a brand-new
color t.v. set?
you know this man?
this man's a regul
ar passenger on my bus.
he was runnin' for the bus.
since when is there
a law against
runnin' for the bus?
all right,
break it up, folks.
break it up. shoo-shoo.
come on.
hey, uh,
what happened to you,
man, uh?
how come i never notic
ed you were colored before?
because i was never colored
oh, it happened
just like that, huh?
just like that!
well, when you get
back on the bus,
just sit down and cool it.
they don't love you,
you know?
nobody loves me! big deal.
well, just don't make
any trouble.
listen, i'm not colored!
i know.
i'm spanish, myself.
sometimes i feel
like a motherless child!
hasta la vista.
health drink. double.
and don't be a wise guy.
don't i know you
from somewhere?
i'm mr. gerber.
jeff gerber.
well, i ain't gunga din.
i never noticed.
look, come on, hurry up
with my health drink.
[fingers snapping]
i'm late as it is now.
slow your roll, man.
i told the owner
the lights in here
wasn't no good.
hey, jeff.
you certainly
set a good example.
a good job like you got.
what's draggin' you, brother?
i'm wondering what's, uh,
in this health drink?
oh, that?
orange juice,
papaya juice,
lime juice,
and soy sauce.
soy sauce!
what the hell are you
puttin' in soy sauce for?
well, we was all out
of worcestershire sauce.
cool it, jeff.
that's why they don't want us
in these places now.
i'll sue
the entire n.a.a.c.p.
look at my skin!
i don't have to look
at your skin.
i can look at my own.
here, now,
what's goin' on?
i'm gonna have
this entire place shut down
as a homosexual hangout.
who is that gentleman?
soy sauce?
oh, now look, mr. soy sauce,
i don't want any trouble.
i've always gotten along well
with members of your race.
ask joe here.
i'm not negro.
i'm spanish. soy sauce!
not one word.
not one word.
can i help you?
no one can help me.
whom is it you wish
to see about what?
i'd like to see abe lincoln
about this equality bullshit.
mr. gerber!
well, it ain't soy sauce.
what happened to you?
i'm pledging
for a fraternity.
mr. gerber!
never heard of him.
but, mr. gerber...
get out of my way, erica,
unless you want to feel
the wrath of my switchblade.
i would like to feel
the wrath of
your switchblade.
morning, gladys.
mr. gerber,
what happened?
is there anything i can do?
hide your high school ring.
mr. townsend said
for you to see him
as soon as you come in.
all right.
all right.
all right.
[intercom buzzes]
(miss regan)
mr. townsend is waiting.
i'm colored, mr. townsend.
i'm a negro.
gerber, what the hell
have you been doing?
sitting under a sun lamp?
oh, that's the nicest thing
you've ever said to me, sir.
did you get that tan in just
the 2 days you were out?
yes, yes, i did.
the secret is soy sauce.
lots and lots of soy sauce.
don't you think
you overdid it a bit?
yes, yes, i do.
i--i really do.
it--it was
a frightening experience.
yeah, i should think so.
now, look, there's no need
to come apart at the seams.
it'll fade
and you'll be fine.
you still have got
to pick up your sales.
until i spoke to you,
mr. townsend,
i must confess,
i was pretty shook up.
all right,
now go on back to your desk,
and don't let me down.
all right, sir.
god bless you, sir.
there still is a god
, you know, sir.
miss regan...
yes, mr. townsend?
would you get my optometrist
on the phone?
these tinted contact lenses
he gave me,
i think they're
a bit on the dark side.
hello, palefaces.
come on, girls.
get back to work
or you'll be back
on the streets
working for real money.
what's the matter, fella?
ain't you never
seen an aztec before?
what the hell have you done
to yourself, jeff?
how do you like
my golden glow, andy?
don't i look like
a friggin' bronze god?
that's not what
they're sayin'.
i have it on
no less an authority
than d.j. townsend
that i have a glorious tan.
i--i got to tell you, jeff.
if--if i didn't
know you, i'd say--
look, andy, if you have
inherent racial prejudice,
that's your hang-up.
i personally think
i have a beautiful color.
gladys, bring in
my appointment book,
please, dear.
[jeff humming]
clark dunwoodie, please.
hello, clark?
jeff gerber. well, i hopped
down to the islands
for a couple days.
get that old tan in shape,
you know?
how's about today, lunch?
well, you name it.
ok, your club, 12:30.
see you then.
where do you think
you're going?
i'm lunching
with clark dunwoodie.
not in here,
you're not.
hey, come on,
you're kidding?
you know me, jeff gerber.
mr. dunwoodie,
he's expecting me.
come on, fella,
i got my orders.
now, this club has got rules.
fun is fun,
but don't make me angry.
you better let me pass.
what's your name, sir?
uh, jeff gerber.
uh, i'm having lunch
with, uh, clark dunwoodie.
oh, yes, mr. gerber.
mr. dunwoodie
wanted me to give you
his apologies.
he had to go
back to the office.
some kind of an emergency
board meeting.
he's going to call you
later this afternoon
and explain it.
don't pull that
crap on me!
well, i'm very sorry
for the inconvenience.
now, move along, please.
hey, look,
there must be some mistake.
come on, move along.
hey, hey, hey,
i ask you, is this america?
is this america?
yeah, man.
? no, this ain't america ?
? you can't fool me! ?
hey, look, why don't you
let him go in there?
i belong in there!
if you don't fit
the right image
they just pull out
their d.d.t.
if they just don't
like the way you look
[tires screech]
they just law and order
and pricks!
they're prickin' me!
come in.
excuse me, mr. townsend?
this man says
he works for you.
good grief.
gerber, is that you?
yes, officer,
he--he works for me.
very well. i'll leave him
in your charge.
he stole something.
we don't know
what it is yet.
you can leave him
with me, officer.
yes, sir.
thank you, sir.
w-w-what happened?
if i didn't know you myself--
i'm black.
i've become black.
you ask anyone
on the street,
they'll say,
"that man, he's black."
mmm-hmm, sure,
he's black."
get hold of yourself.
yowser. i'm gonna
get a hold of myself.
yowser, boss.
you know, this could work
to both our advantages.
boss have heap
big sense of humor.
stop that foolish
vaudeville routine
and listen to me a minute.
look, i don't care
what color you are.
you're an intelligent,
educated man.
and damn it, gerber, there is
a whole market out there
that has never even been
approached by our company
because we have never
had a negro salesman.
why, you can make yourself
a fortune.
that negro insurance market
is virtually untapped.
look, i tell you what,
you run back to your office--
i can't run anywhere.
they'll arrest me
before i get halfway
down the hall.
go back to your office
and wait there for me,
i'll bring the statistics.
they'll shock you.
i'll just shuffle along.
uh, give me 15 minutes.
oh, you don't have
to hurry yourself
over little old,
poor little me,
mr. townsend.
make a list of all
those articles
that have been stolen.
and any of you
who have been raped,
please report
to the dispensary.
any of you who are
interested in tap dancing,
gospel singing,
boxing lessons,
please come into my office.
dr. wainwright, please.
jeff gerber. thank you.
dr. wainwright, i got
to see you right away.
unclean! unclean!
beware the black scourge!
double trouble,
boil in trouble!
take your children,
gather them.
take them
to the high ground!
doctor, uh,
mr. gerber's here.
but, uh...
show him in.
no swelling.
if it were overexposure,
there'd be swelling.
your lips, as i recall,
were always rather full.
high cheekbones, wide face.
you tryin' to
tell me somethin'?
i don't see how
it could be the sun lamp.
anything unusual
in your diet?
i've laid a lot of crow, doc.
it could be some kind
of an allergy.
but it's more apt
to be something else.
well, go ahead, tell me.
i won't blab.
well, it's more apt
to be something
in your family lineage.
you mean like insanity?
it's quite possible that
somewhere in your lineage,
there is a negro strain.
you're lookin' at
a strained negro
right now, doc.
if that were the case,
it would be apparent
from birth,
not in your middle years.
and it would seem logical
that your parents
would have said
something to you about it.
they never
called me a nigger.
no matter
how angry they got,
they never
called me a nigger.
oh, they might have
revealed it in other ways,
ways more freudian.
um, what's your full name,
jefferson w. gerber.
what's the "w" for?
jefferson washington gerber?
do you realize that when
the slaves were set free
and they were allowed
to pick any names
they wanted,
many of them chose
the names of presidents?
jefferson washington gerber!
uh, what's your wife's name?
althea jemima gerber.
you're kidding me?
what are your
children's names?
beulah and rastus.
you're trying
to prove that i'm a negro,
and i'm trying
to prove that i'm not!
i'm only trying
to compile some facts.
all right, facts.
what about my skin, huh, huh?
what about that?
that's a fact, isn't it?
look, something happened
to cause this phenomenon.
somewhere there's
a medical explanation
to this, and we'll find it.
when do you want
to do that, doc?
right now.
how long do you
think it'll take?
maybe 3 hours.
the rest is up to
the laboratory technicians.
hello, althea?
guess who's coming to dinner?
the children are in bed.
even burton.
i thought it best.
what's wrong?
wrong? wrong?
nothing's wrong.
how come you're on fire?
[phone ringing]
don't answer it.
i beg your pardon?
don't answer it.
may i ask why?
it's a wrong number.
oh, then by all means,
let's not answer it.
but i feel i should ask
you this, althea,
uh, how do you know
it's a wrong number?
it has a different sound.
wrong numbers sound neurotic,
because the circuits
are confused.
i see.
and it just upsets it
if you answer it.
uh-huh, strange,
but it sounds
like a right number to me.
no, you're wrong.
you're nuts!
jeff gerber?
move out, nigger.
it was the wrong number.
they've been calling all day.
what "they"?
it was one voice.
don't make it sound
like the entire
west point glee club.
well, who do you think it is?
it's avon calling
and the bell's stuck.
jeff, i have to tell you,
i'm frightened!
you don't have to tell me.
it's fairly noticeable.
how did it go today?
oh, it was the usual day.
i was thrown out
of one of the better clubs,
i was picked up
twice for purse-snatching.
did they notice anything,
anything different
at the office?
there were a few remarks.
what about townsend?
oh, he seemed
quite pleased.
it seems i'm one of his
hottest negro salesmen.
you hungry?
yeah, i guess so.
are you crazy?
is that supposed to be funny?
i didn't realize
until after--
well, listen, jemima,
you're in this, too.
your middle name, baby.
my middle name is janine.
so don't you
"jemima" me, jeff gerber.
if you've been keeping
some racial secret
about yourself from me,
well, just don't you
"jemima" me!
oh, i get it!
you're getting
a little worried.
you're just not certain
about things anymore,
are you?
well, there are
children to consider.
what do you think,
right number or wrong?
i don't care anymore.
it's been ringing all day.
every bigot in this town
is honing in on us.
jeff? it's dr. wainwright.
yes. what is it?
it's not hay fever.
oh, good.
thought i'd let you know.
yes. thank you.
let me know as soon as you
find out about ragweed.
i'll call immediately.
dr. wainwright.
you'll be happy to know
i'm not suffering
from hay fever.
i'm a nervous wreck.
i'm going to bed.
oh, i thought
we'd stay up a while
and do a little humming.
i'm going to sleep.
you can turn off the phone
if you like.
can't. might be
my ragweed calling in.
suit yourself.
don't be frightened.
it's just me, black bart.
have something to eat?
just chicken.
doesn't taste good to me
unless it's freshly stolen.
mind if i get in bed?
(tom harkness on t.v.)
this is tom harkness
in the downtown business area,
where police are just now
bringing under control
a riot.
within minutes
the area was overrun
with pickets, militants,
and housewives
for lower food prices
when an unidentified
drunken negro
was denied admission
to the hagstrom yacht club.
the actual identity of the man
is not known for certain...
if only they
wouldn't be so pushy.
[phone rings]
jeff gerber?
move out, nigger.
was it dr. wainwright?
i certainly hope not.
it's wednesday night.
why don't we
have a little drink?
no, it's thursday.
let's pretend
it's wednesday.
i'm in need
of some human affection.
i understand,
but not tonight, ok?
i hate to tell you this,
but i'm beginning to feel
just a little bit unloved.
i mean,
it may be old-fashioned,
but where i come from,
a guy's wife sticks
real close to him
in time of stress.
well, uh, not tonight.
something i said?
we could change sides
if you'd like.
that's damn white of you.
[phone rings]
jeff, it's not ragweed,
asthma, or anything
to do with the kidneys.
good, keep me posted.
i'm staying with it
all night.
thanks, doctor
, i appreciate it.
[phone rings]
jeff gerber?
he's out bailing cotton.
can i take a message?
move out, nigger.
jeff, don't anger them.
just don't anger them.
don't anger them?
you mean,
they're not angry already?
what must i do
to get 'em angry?
try and get into one
of their yacht clubs?
good morning, mr. gerber.
morning, erica.
when do i get to
see your switchblade?
call me.
morning, gladys.
mr. townsend's
waiting to see you.
he's fit to be tied and...
dr. wainwright called twice
and wants you to call
as soon as you come in.
thank you, gladys.
jeff, it's no longer a joke.
it has nothing to do
with allergies,
blood counts
or electrocardiograms.
and it has nothing
to do with soy sauce.
we've run 18 different tes
on soy sauce,
and the opinion is that
soy sauce is more apt to
make you oriental than negro.
c'est le guerre.
that's logical.
i spent the entire night
in the trenches
with doctors carson,
harcourt, whittemore,
o'neil, and hamilton.
and they're firmly
of the opinion that...
jeff, i'm not one
of those doctors
who believes in
keeping the truth
from a patient.
did you know that
the first man to die
in an american war
was a black man,
crispus attucks?
what i'm getting at is,
jeff, you're a negro.
when do you want
to see me again?
i don't think
it's necessary.
closing the book
on me, huh?
now, with your approval,
i'd like to turn
your case over to
an outstanding young doctor
who's a member
of your own race.
dr. john l. catlin,
you may have heard of him.
what's the "l" for?
you do understand,
don't you, jeff?
of course.
well, perhaps we'll bump into
each other again some day.
maybe at the newport regatta.
mr. townsend is waiting.
you disappeared on me
yesterday, gerber.
i'm sorry. i thought
it was important.
it wasn't.
look, i want
a negro representative.
but i will not tolerate
any lack of diligence.
i understand.
good. now,
i want you to turn over
all your files to brandon.
he'll service them.
you can still get
the commissions.
this is the area
i want you to work in.
the sooner you get started,
the better.
any questions,
come directly to me.
oh, uh,
by the way, gerber,
i notified the n.a.a.c.p.
and core
that we have a negro
on our staff.
they're both quite pleased.
don't let 'em down.
these policies
aren't quite correct
for a man in your bracket.
i'd recommend that
you set aside a bit more
for your future children's
i'm very happy to say that
for the first time today,
i'm gonna recommend
that somebody buy
an insurance policy from me.
i strongly suggest that
you, uh, invest some
of your widow's pension
in income-earnin
g stocks and bonds.
and i'd be glad
to recommend a man.
he's white.
many people are.
well, gerber,
it looks to me as though
you've been giving out
quite a bit of free advice
these past few days.
that's part of the job,
isn't it?
maybe, but on your first day
you made 9 calls
and sold one policy.
3 policies
you did nothing about,
and 5 policies
you re-arranged so that--
so that our company loses
$363 in annual premiums.
but eventually,
all those people will
become good customers
only because
i took the time--
oh, nonsense.
gerber, those people
don't know the first thing
about insurance.
you would be
doing the community
a public service
to sell them
all the insurance you could
so that they would never
become a drain
on our society.
every one of those homes
i visited in the last few days
was occupied
by personable, responsible--
horse crap!
? excuse me, buddy, but ?
? excuse me, lady, but ?
? you foolin', ain't ya? ?
? where can i be? ?
? this ain't america,
is it? ?
? oh, lord,
where can i be? ?
? this ain't america,
is it? ?
? no, this ain't america ?
? you can't fool me ?
you're wrong to go on trying
to fool yourself.
? this here's
the home of the sheriff ?
? not the land of the free ?
? in america, folks don't run
through the streets ?
? blood streaming ?
? from where they been beat ?
? and the parks
is for the people ?
quite a background.
dean's list 3 times,
college graduate,
excellent service record.
17 years in the
insurance profession.
? and the cops
in the good old u.s.a. ?
? don't they need
some kind of gods either? ?
? no, this ain't america ?
? you can't fool me ??
[tractor engine running]
you're not kidding, man.
take jamie over there,
he's got 13 years.
and a hell
of a good bowler, too.
of course they
always make him
bowl on the far lane.
kind of downwind,
so to speak.
i'm not kidding.
? love ?
? that's america ?
? open arms
for every creature ?
? love ?
? open arms ?
? that's america ?
? for every man ?
? love ?
? that's america ?
? joy and peace
and harmony ?
? love! ?
? that's america ?
? billions of lives ?
? love! ?
? love ?
? that's america ?
? yes, love,
that's america ?
? love! ?
? that's america ?
? lonely but fallin' ?
? love! ?
? that's america ?
? the old eagle
wearin' a grin ?
? love! ?
? that's america ?
? the bald eagle ??
jeff, you know our neighbors.
well, the vigilantes.
i've got the coffee on.
well, then, what can i do
for you gentlemen?
jeff, we may as well
get right to the point.
everybody else does.
we feel your presence
in the neighborhood
can undermine
the value of our homes,
and we're concerned.
yes, i've gotten a couple
of your phone calls.
oh, that wasn't us, jeff.
shut up, fred.
as nicely
as we can put it, jeff,
we'd like you to move out,
before it becomes
common knowledge
that there's a negro family
in the area.
is that as nicely
as you can put it?
we're concerned.
oh, perfectly understandable.
especially since i've
taken the spot announcements
on radio.
and wait until
you see the skywriting.
we're prepared to offer
a very fair deal.
walter has the figures.
your house is
worth about $40,000
on the open market.
well, give or take--
$12 as soon as the word
gets out that i'm a nigger.
we represent
a group of people, jeff.
and we have the backing
of 3 local banks.
so we're prepared
to offer you $50,000.
oh, i do declare that sure
am a great pile of money.
we'll sell your house
to a good family and absorb
the loss among ourselves.
oh, my goodness!
50,000 samoleans!
heavens to uncle remus.
but i can't accept it.
we're prepared to pay it
right now. tonight.
oh, i know you're
prepared to pay it.
but i'm not prepared
to accept it.
i mean, uh,
me and my family,
we've looked forward
to living here
all our lives.
we like it here.
all those
friendly phone calls,
and at any time
a nice rock can come
crashing through the window
to remind us that people
are still thinking of us.
that's as high as we can go.
oh, come on,
try harder! $75,000.
all right,
$75,000, but that's as--
you see that?
you went higher.
now try $80,000.
oh, come on,
i'll make more than that
from my watermelon patch
in just one year.
not to mention the admission
from the revival meeting.
now try $90,000.
of course you don't mind
the smell of fried chicken
and ham bones
just wafting through
your lovely neighborhood.
oh, that sure
am a lot of money.
but i like something
with a--a more, uh,
naughts to it.
you know,
somethin' a bit rounder,
somethin' with more naught
you know, zeroes.
$100,000. and that's as high
as we're authorized to go.
you turn it down,
we're not responsible.
well, i'll take it.
i'll take it.
where do i sign?
you'll find
everything in order.
as you know, walter's
an officer with the bank.
it's all pretty standard,
if you care to read it over.
i think
this is the best thing
for everybody all around.
oh, i think so, too.
i was going
to sell this house.
i think the neighborhood's
a bit too jewish.
well, good night, jeff.
good luck.
it's nothing personal.
oh, it never is.
if it was personal,
well, i'd feel real bad.
good night, jeff.
you have 2 weeks.
look, if you have any trouble,
and need to store your stuff,
please call my secretary.
she'll give you
the necessary assistance.
good night, jeff.
you've gotten
a very good deal.
it'll make us seem
less villainous in your eyes.
good night, jeff.
villainous? don't be silly.
i know who my friends are.
and the next nice
neighborhood i move into,
you guys'll get
first crack at me.
all i got to do
is turn white.
would their faces be red.
you took advantage of them
because you're colored.
how's that?
those people
were our friends.
what should have i done,
given them a discount?
pushing your way,
just pushing, pushing,
is that the answer?
they wanted us
out of the neighborhood.
where do you get that "us"?
you, not us!
would you repeat that again?
i don't think
i heard that right.
it's very confusing.
forgive me.
there's been a great deal
of pressure on me lately.
i mean,
just answering the phone...
well, i haven't been
exactly winning any
popularity contests myself!
well, it's different with you.
you weren't liked
before this happened.
i was liked!
everybody liked me.
i hate to tell you this,
but you're supposed to
be on my side!
the marriage contract said,
"till death do us part."
it said that in
black and white, i believe.
when we got married,
i had no idea
it was going to be
an interracial thing,
you never told me.
well, i just got wind
of it myself.
if i had known
what was gonna happen,
i would have put
an escape clause
in your marriage contract!
"if my husband
becomes a negro,
all bets are off."
how dare you be
sarcastic with me?
i'm the one
who was compromised.
oh, i'm not angry.
how could i be angry?
i have a $100,000 suntan!
and why do you
insist on being negro?
i don't insist.
i accept it.
what would you have me do,
dye my hair
and insist i'm white?
you know what i'd look like
with blonde hair, althea?
like a grilled
cheese sandwich.
negro humor
always escaped me.
we're learning
a lot about each other,
aren't we?
yes, we are.
what happened to
the flaming liberal
i married?
i'm still liberal.
but to a point.
i'm sorry, baby.
i didn't realize
you were under
as much pressure as me.
let's forget it tonight.
because tonight,
it's wednesday.
it's wednesday.
and i love you.
no, it's tuesday.
it's wednesday.
i'm sorry, jeff.
i have to get my bearings.
it won't be wednesday
i get my bearings.
i-i-i'm going
to go to sleep.
jeff, i sent the kids
to my sister's.
your sister lives
in indianapolis.
they'll be there by morning.
margaret said
she'd meet the train.
i'm sorry, but i wanted them
away from all this,
if and when
the newspapers find out.
? where are the children? ?
? where are the children? ??
you were not disappointment.
you were wonderful.
thank you very much.
in norway
we have very few negroes.
oh, well, uh,
i'll tell my buddies, uh...
then you'll have
a lot of them
in no time at all.
negroes have
beautiful bodies.
yeah, well, uh,
i've been workin' out.
and when all
those black muscles
all work together
to make love,
it is so very marvelous.
yeah, well,
they all work together.
you know, we--we're note
d for that, you know.
the thigh bone
connected to the hip bone,
you know.
they're all
hooked up just right.
and the way
a negro makes love...
i can never make love
to a white man again.
well, i...
i guess
there'll be a few girls
to take up the slack.
we must make love
every night
and during lunch hours,
every spare moment.
yeah, well, i think we shoul
take time off to vote.
where are you going?
is there voting now?
no, i'm, uh, i'm leaving.
all right.
will i see you tomorrow?
oh, yeah,
probably at the office.
probably i'll give you
a pinch in the ass.
you know,
give you a little thrill.
i have disappointed you?
ah, no.
not quite the way you think.
you have disappointed me.
there's something
i didn't do?
ah, no, uh, offhand,
there's nothing
i can think of
that, uh, we forgot.
then why are you leaving?
well, i can't expect you
to understand, erica.
explain. i will try.
i will try
anything to please you.
try and understand that, uh,
beauty is only skin deep.
i want you to love me
because of what i am,
not because i'm a negro.
you're a very nice man,
very courteous.
you say please
and thank you.
so i like you.
then why are you leaving?
did i hurt you?
oh, my god,
if i hurt you.
such a great bang.
but you're a bigot, erica.
a big, blonde bigot.
so thank you,
but no thank you.
you black bastard.
you're really getting to it.
my goodness,
in no time at all,
you'll qualify for
american citizenship.
get out of here,
you--you nigger!
ah, by jove, she's got it.
i really think she's got it.
hey, don't worry about
running out of new words
to call me, erica.
'cause in a few years,
you'll know 'em all.
get out, nigger!
i'm going. bye, erica.
[men grunting]
bye, erica.
? where are the children? ??
jeff, i'm sorry.
i'm ashamed of myself
and i'm sorry.
but i can't help it.
i'm going to indianapolis.
please try to understand.
good morning, mr. gerber.
my goodness,
you've been getting
phone calls this morning
requesting appointments.
they started
coming in at 8:30.
and, oh, let's see,
uh, dr. catlin called
and, uh, well, mr. townsend
would like to see you.
thank you, gladys.
that's a nice tie,
mr. gerber.
thank you.
mr. townsend
yes, gerber, i sent for you.
sit down and shut up.
screw you. i'm opening up
my own office.
i said, "screw you,
i'm opening up
my own office."
serves you right.
you'll be broke in a week.
i don't think so.
some neighbors chipped in
and i won't have
to worry for quite a while.
about your breath...
[door opens]
[door closes]
? they gotta make
some kind of deal ?
? everything you got,
gives me a thrill ?
? don't they know
all gonna doubt ?
? gotta get through to you ?
? gotta get to you ?
? gotta get through,
just gotta get through ?
? don't throw my love
in a frying pan ?
? don't throw my love ?
? you got the keys,
and you got the latch ?
? you got the keys ?
? i'm soul'd on you ?
? soul'd on you ?
? i'm soul'd on you ?
? oh, they called me
mr. cool before ?
? but you got me poundin'
on your front door ?
? yes, i used to be mr. cool ?
? but, girl, i'm ready
to be your fool ?
? yeah, 'cause your lovin'
it makes me more ?
? your lovin' makes me more ?
? you can't take it
to my soul ?
? to my soul,
yeah, to my soul ?
? don't throw my love
in the trash out back ?
? you got the keys,
and you got the latch ?
? i'm soul'd out on you ?
? soul'd, sister ?
? i'm soul'd on you ?
? my crazy love ?
? i'm soul'd on you ?
? i'm soul'd on you ?
? lord, you got me down
on bended knees ?
? let me hip you
to the birds and bees ?
? come on, girl,
let's make it down there ?
? lord knows that you,
what you wear ?
? you know
i can't live without you ?
? i can't live without you ?
? when you do that thing
i just gotta do ?
? gotta do, just gotta do ?
? oh, don't throw my love ?
? in the trash out back ?
? oh, you got the keys,
and you got the latch ?
? you got the keys ?
? i'm soul'd on you,
oh, sister ?
? soul'd on you ?
? i'm soul'd on you,
my baby ?
? soul'd on you ?
? i'm soul'd on you ?
? soul'd on you ?
? soul'd ?
? soul'd on you ?
? soul'd ?
? soul'd on you,
soul sister ?
? soul'd ?
? soul'd on you,
black beauty ?
[phone ringing]
? soul'd on you,
brown sugar ?
? soul'd on you ??
[phone continues ringing]
it's althea.
althea, my wife?
i've been calling everywhere.
the phone's been turned off.
when i moved out
of our house,
i had the phone
where are you?
i finally got you
through information.
i'm in indianapolis.
what's wrong?
the kids all right?
the kids are fine.
thanks for sending
so much money.
it was very generous.
they're still my kids,
aren't they?
yes, and i'm never
gonna let them
forget their father.
well, thank you.
it's so nice to be
so well remembered
before i die.
jeff, hearing your voice,
i mean, on the phone,
it's--it's like
it never happened.
not on this end, baby.
anyway, i just wanted you
to know i was thinking of you
and--and i hope
you're taking care
of yourself.
well, i'm fine.
still getting your exercise?
yes, althea, you don't have
to worry about me.
i'm working out
in the evenings now.
promise me that you are.
oh, i are. i are.
you are?
i are.
? no, this ain't america ?
? you can't fool me ?
? you can't fool me,
you can't fool me ?
? excuse me, but seriously ?
? you can't fool me ?
? which way is
the good old u.s.a.? ?
? you can't fool me ?
? this ain't nothing like
the place i wanna be ?
? not a chance,
i didn't cheat ?
? you can't fool me ?
? i don't care
what you say ?
? you can't fool me ?
? hey, why you pointin' that
this way? ?
? this sure ain't america,
is it? ?
? no, this ain't america! ?
? you can't fool me ?
? you can't fool me ?
? you can't fool me ?
? you can't fool me ?
? no, this ain't america! ?
? you can't fool me ?