We Are Most Amused and Amazed (2018) Movie Script

Tonight on...
Sandi Toksvig.
I love celebrating a big birthday.
Wallace and Gromit.
I bet Morph's there,
he gets everywhere.
Rowan Atkinson.
You're all here for...
Bill Bailey.
'Ere, let me through, I'm a doctor.
Penn and Teller.
Teller will do
the physical evidence,
while I do the deduction.
Mischief Theatre.
Think of a card.
In my brain?
If you have one.
Omid Djalili.
I audibly heard someone say,
"There used to be
a pool table in here."
These guys... Whoever they are.
This is like Charlie's party.
What Charlie?
Charlie from the Windsor crew.
And many, many more.
I'm rather excited.
So am I, Ben. So am I.
You join us here
at the London Palladium
as Their Royal Highnesses
the Prince of Wales
and the Duchess of Cornwall
arrive for a night
of comedy and magic.
# God save our gracious Queen
# Long live our noble Queen
# God save the Queen
# Send her victorious
# Happy and glorious
# Long to reign over us
# God save the Queen. #
Welcome to the London Palladium.
Before we begin the show,
here are a few important notices
to ensure tonight's performance
is a safe and enjoyable one.
Good evening.
To maximise everyone's enjoyment of
the Prince's birthday celebration,
please take this opportunity
to escape from technology
and social media and
put your phones into aeroplane mode.
Or, if you're
a member of the monarchy,
ceremonial-carriage mode.
Thank you.
It's just my phone, it's ringing...
Hold on.
Oh, I don't like them anyway,
never mind.
As we're in a theatre,
please remember
that it's very, very unlucky
to quote from, or to name,
Shakespeare's Scottish play.
Do you think people have any idea
what you're on about?
Do you think it's worth saying
which play, just so they're sure?
No, that would be unlucky.
Right. Could you whisper it?
Just whisper...
No. Hamlet is set in Denmark.
Is it?
Is it Richard III?
No. Richard III is set in England,
he was King of England.
Was he?
It's not Merchant Of Venice, is it?
The clue's in the title.
It's Macbeth!
Maccy, Maccy, Macbeth.
It's easy.
Are you sure
you want to say that out loud?
I thought you said that was
fantastically unlucky.
I... Oh!
We would like to assure
theatre-goers that there is in fact
plenty of armrest
space for everyone,
provided you follow this
simple time-share system.
For the first 15 minutes,
lean on your right arm rest,
then for the next 37 minutes,
use the armrest on your left.
Then, for the following 20 minutes,
please refrain from using
the armrests altogether.
Then, after that, we invite you
to employ both armrests
by romantically linking arms
with the person next to you
regardless of whether
or not you know them.
Remember, you can order an
interval drink before the show.
However, now the show's begun,
you're too late.
You snooze, you lose.
Cheers, sweeties.
I'm Martin Freeman.
Now, if you get hungry
in the interval,
then ice creams are available
and you don't have to be
Sherlock Holmes,
or indeed Dr Watson
to work out where to go for one.
Hi, one mint choc chip, please.
I'm the programme seller,
the ice cream vendor's up there.
You couldn't just play along,
could you?
For subtitling services, contatct:
It's just an announcement, really,
if you just...
Is it all right?
I can't possibly say this,
it's very rude.
Well, don't worry, we'll bleep it.
Oh, well, I suppose it's OK then.
Dame Judi, take one.
Swearing in the theatre
is prohibited.
So words like BLEEP, BLEEP
will simply not be tolerated.
That is brilliant, Dame Judi.
You're BLEEP welcome.
If you need to go to the toilet
during the performance,
don't inconvenience people
in your row
by squeezing past them
to go to the bathroom.
Simply use the special built-in
pouch in your spacesuit.
Just like I have there.
Sorry, Tim,
you're not wearing your spacesuit,
you're just wearing your overalls.
They're porous.
Oh, man, not again.
Can we get some wet wipes
for the seat?
And, finally, please be warned
that any raucous behaviour,
including heckling, drunkenness
and petty vandalism
will result in your
being injected from the venue.
Even if it is your birthday,
Your Royal Highness.
Happy birthday, Sir.
Enjoy the show.
Your Royal Highnesses,
ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
Alexander Armstrong and Ben Miller.
Your Royal Highnesses,
thank you very much indeed,
and, ladies and gentlemen,
a very good evening to you all.
And a very warm welcome to
We Are Most Amused And Amazed.
A night of spectacular
magic and comedy
in celebration of
Prince Charles' 70th birthday.
Now, all the proceeds from tonight's
show will go to The Prince's Trust,
this is a charity that has helped
more than 900,000 people
since it was formed in 1976.
In fact, there you are,
Rebecca Bernice Amissah,
who sang the national anthem,
there we are,
a fantastic example of someone
who has benefited
from The Prince's Trust.
And, by the way, a huge thanks
to Rebecca for opening the show,
alongside the fanfare team
from the band of The Welsh Guards.
But of course... Yes...
But, of course,
the real reason you're all here
is to witness the long-anticipated
reunion of Armstrong and Miller.
Yeah, well, it's been a few years
since we last worked together.
But, you know, when you've been
a double act as long as we have,
you never lose that special
connection and, you know,
we still have the most incredible...
Alexander's right, after you've
spent years as part of a double act,
you never forget how to do it.
It's just like riding a...
A cockhorse to Banbury Cross.
Could I speak to you for a moment?
A what horse?
To see a fine
lady upon a white horse.
There's a line, Alexander,
isn't there? Yeah?
Of good taste,
just remember who's here
and let's just take a step
back from the line.
LAUGHTER It's like riding a...
..bicycle, thank you.
Well, look, we both know what
we bring to the act.
I do the set-ups, Ben does the...
Hollywood movies.
The punch lines. The punch lines.
Punch lines, punch lines.
Now, moving on. Tonight
of course isn't just about us,
we have an amazing line-up
of comedy stars and world-famous
magicians here to entertain you,
with many of our acts travelling
from all over the world to be here.
I'm rather excited.
So am I, Ben. So am I.
OK, London Palladium,
let's get on with the show,
are you ready for the sharp,
no-nonsense, quick-witted face
of The Great British Bake Off?
I certainly am.
Here to put the cherry
on top of the birthday cake,
she'll need a ladder,
it's the wonderful Sandi Toksvig.
Can I just say?
I love celebrating
a big birthday, OK?
So this year, I turned 60.
And everybody said
I ought to do something special
and I do not know why hiring
the Palladium never occurred to me.
LAUGHTER It seems so obvious.
I have to say,
it makes the room above our local
look a little shabby.
one of my friends said to me,
she said, "You are 60, Sandy,
what you need is a toy boy."
And I thought,
"Wow, you do not know me well."
A toy boy. Although, you know,
it's a thought, Camilla.
Just, you know...
Everybody's thinking about him,
what about that lovely lady?
So you know what I did?
On the morning of my 60th birthday,
I gave up wearing small pants.
Yeah. Yeah.
Older women will appreciate this.
I now wear them to here!
If I ever go to a Tom Jones concert,
I will kill that man.
He'll have a marquee coming at him.
Death by pantage.
I gave up small pants
and I also gave up even pretending
that one day I'm going to get fit.
I just can't be arsed.
And, honestly,
I have the perfect job for this.
If you don't know what I do, this is
literally my day at work, OK?
I stand in a tent and I say,
"Bakers, you have one minute."
I don't move at all, right?
60-seconds later I say,
"Bakers, your time is up."
And 12 people bring me cake.
This is not a job anybody
mentioned at school.
It is absolutely fantastic.
And when I was at school,
everybody was always
going on about getting fit.
Honestly, I couldn't
be bothered then,
I am certainly not doing it now.
These days,
if my partner says to me,
"Let's run upstairs and make love",
I say, "Make up your mind cos
it's going to be one or the other."
You know what's the best
thing about getting older?
You start saying whatever you
like and you should try that, Sir,
it's very liberating.
So I love the idea of saying
or doing whatever occurs to me
and I have learned this from people
even older than me.
So this is a true story, right?
I was taking my daughter to an
open day at Bournemouth University.
Well, she's 28,
she needs to get out of the house.
And we stopped at one of those
motorway service places
and as soon as we went inside,
she did what I think young
people are trained to do,
she went straight off to a
retail opportunity,
presuming I would
be following with money.
Anyway, I didn't have any,
so I went over to a cash machine
and I had forgotten my glasses.
I can't see that well without them.
So I was really concentrating
when this little old
lady barrelled up to me.
I don't know where she was going,
maybe she was being made to go
on a coach trip to see the sea
one last time, I have no idea.
And she was wearing something
I hadn't seen for years,
she was wearing a Pakamac.
What a marvellous
early-warning sound that is.
She rustled up to me.
I was concentrating, like this,
and she went, "Hello, Sandi."
I said, "Oh, yes, hello."
And I carried on, like this.
She said, "You're very funny."
I said, "Oh, that's enormously kind,
thank you so much."
She said,
"That's not why I like you."
I said, "No?" She said, "No, Sandi,
I like you because you, like me,
"are not a specific shape."
Then she rustled off again.
So those are my top tips
for getting older.
Sit about in big pants saying
whatever the heck you like.
Happy birthday, Sir.
Still to come, Dynamo.
Maybe, Sarah, the page was
never there to begin with.
And Rowan Atkinson.
You must be feeling
a right bunch of nitwits.
Now, as well as His Royal Highness
being a big fan of comedy,
he also loves his magic.
So much so that he became a member
of the Magic Circle in 1975.
True fact.
Which makes it only right
that we invited
some of the world's best magicians
to perform tonight.
So, ladies and gentlemen,
please welcome
magician extraordinaire...
Oh, hang on.
I think we've got a
video call coming through. Er...
I don't understand
why we weren't invited.
It's his 70th, you know.
I bet Morph's there,
he gets everywhere.
Not now, Gromit.
Oh, oh, look, it's on.
Where's my speech, lad?
Must still be in the typewriter.
You say your bit
and I'll go and get it.
Oh, heck, this is a right
dog's dinner, this is.
We'll have to go to Plan B, lad.
I propose a toast.
Happy birthday, chuck.
Chuck, bit overfamiliar?
I know, I know, I think it's
different rules for plasticine.
Anyway, ladies and gentlemen,
he's stunned the world
with his sorcery
ever since he was a mere boy wizard
and has gone on to become one of
the greatest magicians of all time.
Ladies and gentlemen,
in his first television
appearance in over two years,
please, give it up for the original
Magician Impossible, Dynamo!
Thank you.
I was 12 years old when I saw
magic for the very first time.
It was early November 1995,
I remember because they'd just
started playing Christmas adverts
on the television
and outside it felt like
it had been raining forever.
I was at my nana and grandpa's flat
and one night,
my grandpa came walking up to me.
He was looking a bit more
serious than usual.
He said, "Stephen,
do you know what these are?"
In his hand, he held
a small, green matchbox.
"They're matches, Grandpa," I said.
I was 12, but I wasn't an idiot.
He opened the box to show me
it was full of matches.
Then he closed it shut,
shook the box three times,
you could literally hear all
the matches rattling around inside.
And he placed it on my hand.
He paused, dramatically.
"Open the box, Stephen," he said.
I opened it
and to my complete amazement,
all of the matches had vanished.
It was impossible.
It was like my grandpa was
a flipping superhero or something.
But before I had
a chance to say anything,
he just walked off, mysteriously.
Now, sadly, my grandpa
can't be here with us tonight.
But I want to show you something
that I wish I could have shown him.
I need someone to help me out.
Now, there's a very special person
here tonight who, like me,
was also supported by the incredible
work at The Prince's Trust.
She's got no idea I'm going
to get her up here,
but if you could
make her feel welcome,
a nice round of applause
for Sarah McHarg.
Where is Sarah?
APPLAUSE There she is.
So I'm going to put
a microphone on you down here,
this gentleman will put
a microphone on you.
That's good,
keep it going for Sarah.
How you doing?
Nice to meet you.
Come join me over this way.
How you doing, Sarah? You OK?
I'm very well, thank you.
So, Sarah, before we start,
I need to give you something.
It's really important.
It's a little green matchbox.
Can you put that somewhere safe
for me? Have you got a pocket?
And I've got something else for you.
I've got a stack of books here,
Now, they're all different,
you might recognise some of them,
like War Of The Worlds,
Oliver Twist, Frankenstein,
that sort of thing.
Choose any book you like.
Yep, take it out,
Les Miserables, classic.
Hold on to it for a second.
I want you to open the book
somewhere in the middle.
And now, in your head, not out loud,
I just want you to read any sentence
on the page that you opened up at.
So read that sentence
in your head a couple of times
so you remember it.
And then before you close the book,
make sure you know
the page number, as well.
So you got the sentence
roughly in your head?
And you got the page number?
Perfect, close up the book.
I'm going to give you a pen,
just come over
this way a little bit.
I want you to write down the page
number on your left palm like this.
But I don't want to see it,
so once you've written it down,
close your hand into a fist.
Let me know when you've done that.
Can I look?
Just done.
Perfect. I'll take the pen.
Yeah, drop both hands to the side.
Take a couple of deep breaths,
in and out,
so you're nice and relaxed
and just relax your shoulders.
Actually, Sarah,
come take a seat back here for me.
Have a seat.
Hold this hand-out for me.
I want you to imagine
that the sentence you just read
was actually a scene from a movie.
And imagine that whatever's
happening in the story at that point
is actually happening
all around you.
Look at me.
That's exactly what I needed, Sarah.
Keep replaying that scene
over and over in your mind.
But this time, pay special attention
to all of the sounds
that you would hear around you.
Now, close your eyes for me,
please, Sarah, and listen carefully.
Everybody in the room,
I need you guys to help me out.
If you're sat in this section here,
do this...
That's perfect.
Up top there,
clicking your fingers together.
This section in the middle here,
rub your hands like this.
This section right in the middle,
clicking your fingers together.
Everybody up top, do this.
This section here
rubbing your hands like this.
And this section on the floor here,
clicking your fingers together.
Everybody else,
if you're not doing anything,
just click your fingers
together for me like this.
OK, great, you can stop, thank you.
Sarah, open your eyes.
I believe that was the sound
you had in your head. Yeah.
Was you thinking
of the sound of rain?
Yes, I was.
Thank you very much, everybody.
For the first time, can
you tell us the page number?
158, and you wrote it on your hand,
right? Show everybody.
So 158.
Open the book again to 158,
but this time
read the sentence out loud.
You all right?
Can't find it.
What do you mean you can't find it?
The page is not in here.
Let's have a look.
It's torn.
Just stand up,
I've got to show everyone this.
She's right, look.
Page 158 is no longer in the book.
It's been torn out.
I've got 156, 159.
Maybe, Sarah, the page was never
there to begin with.
At the beginning of...
At the beginning of all of this,
I gave Sarah a little green matchbox
which you've been keeping
safe this entire time.
I don't know where it is.
Oh, it's in
your pocket there, right?
Open it up.
Is there something inside there?
Take it out.
What is it, Sarah?
Is it page 158?
And does it
fit right there in the book?
It fits perfectly!
Would you do one last thing for me,
please, Sarah? Yeah.
Just read the sentence out
loud to everybody.
"Suddenly, the heavens opened
and the rain poured upon them."
"Suddenly, the heavens opened
and the rain poured upon them."
Now, we're very lucky to be
here at the London Palladium tonight
because this stage has played
host to some truly legendary
performers in its time.
Harry Houdini...
Peter Andre.
Frank Sinatra.
Little Mix.
Aretha Franklin.
The Vengaboys.
The Beatles.
Mr Tumble.
And we're very pleased to welcome
another legend onto this stage.
Joining the ranks
of The Vengaboys and Mr Tumble,
it's Rowan Atkinson!
CROWD: Hello.
It's nice to see you all here.
Now, as the more perceptive of you
have probably realised by now,
this is Hell.
And I am the Devil.
Good evening.
But you can call me Toby
if you like,
we try to keep things informal here.
As well as infernal.
That's just my little joke.
Now, you're all here for...
Which I hardly need tell you
is a heck of a long time.
But I'm sure you'll all get to know
each other pretty well by the end,
but for now, I'm going to have
to divide you up into groups.
If that's OK?
Can you hear me at the rack?
Well, if you'd stop screaming,
that would help.
OK, now, murderers.
Over here!
Over here, please.
Thank you very much indeed.
Looters and pillagers,
over here, please.
Thieves, if you could join us
and lawyers, you're in that lot.
If you'd like to come down there.
Thank you very much indeed.
Ah, yes, there's plenty of room.
If the hedge-fund managers
will just move along a tiny bit?
There we go.
if you could step forward...
My God, there are a lot of you.
You're down here, but first,
if you could form a queue
in front of that small guillotine
in the corner there?
Thank you very much indeed.
The French, are you here?
And the Americans.
Yes, look, I'm sorry about this,
apparently God had a little falling
out with your founding fathers
and damned the entire
nation in perpetuity.
He sends particular
condolences to the Mormons...
..who he realises
put in an awful lot of work.
But never mind, if you'd
just like to come down here, yes.
If you'd just like to keep
clear of that big space there
we're reserving for a Mr... Trump.
Atheists. Atheists?
You must be feeling
a right bunch of nitwits.
Come down here, please.
If you don't mind. Er...
And everyone who saw
Monty Python's Life of Brian.
I'm sorry, turns out
God can't take a joke after all.
There, there, there, there, there.
And Christians.
Yes, I'm sorry,
I'm afraid the Jews were right.
If you'd like to come here
and form a line there,
that would be lovely.
Thank you very much indeed.
Right, well, that's about it.
Are there any questions?
Er, yes?
No, I'm afraid
we don't have any toilets.
I don't know if you read your Bible,
but I'm afraid it's
damnation without relief.
If you didn't go before you came,
then I'm afraid you're not
going to enjoy yourself very much.
But then I believe that's the idea.
OK, well, look, I'll see you all
later at the barbecue.
Or, rather, ON the barbecue.
And, generally, I just hope that
you all have a terrible time.
Um, I'd like to leave you, actually,
with another little joke of mine.
I only know two jokes,
informal, infernal
and this one.
And this joke goes like this,
it is, "Knock, knock",
"Who's there?"
"Death wh-..."
Still to come, Kylie Minogue.
And Omid Djalili.
It's not even a heckle,
just a wistful reminder
of a happier time.
Now, it's time to introduce
a very special guest to the stage,
I'll give you a couple of clues.
I can't get her out of my head...
Is it Kylie Minogue?
We should be so lucky
to have her here.
It's Kylie Minogue!
She'll have you spinning around.
Makes no sense,
but it's Kylie Minogue.
Is she Australia's best
pop star ever?
I'm torn.
No, that's...
That's Natalie Imbruglia.
But I assume you're still talking
about Kylie Minogue.
Have you guessed
who I'm talking about?
Yes, several times,
it's Kylie Minogue.
It's Kylie Minogue.
Good evening, everyone.
Well, there's a very special
reason were all here tonight
and that's to celebrate the
70th birthday of His Royal Highness.
Or to give him his full,
official title,
His Royal Highness,
Prince Charles
Philip Arthur George,
Prince of Wales.
Earl of Chester,
Duke of Cornwall,
Duke of Rothesay,
Earl of Carrick, Baron of Renfrew,
Lord of the Isles and Prince
and Great Steward of Scotland.
Do you mind
if I just call you Charles?
Thank you.
Well, Sir, you're a philanthropist,
an originator, a style icon,
a passionate environmentalist
with a relentless determination
to get things done.
And it gives me great pleasure
to introduce this next film
which takes a look at
some of the truly wonderful things
Your Royal Highness has achieved.
Here's Gaby Roslin with the tale
of our very own charming Prince.
For seven decades,
His Royal Highness
Prince Charles Philip Arthur George
has lived a life
in the public spotlight.
In 1969, the world watched
as he was invested
as the Prince of Wales
at the tender age of 20.
And it wasn't long before he became
the world's most-eligible bachelor.
By the time he was 27,
he was commander of his very own
ship, HMS Bronington.
But still found time to be a
champion polo player.
Today, he's a global figurehead.
You are the man.
In 2018 alone, he made over
160 overseas engagements.
You've even got the size right.
Whilst moonlighting
as an occasional weatherman.
The potential for a few
flurries over Balmoral...
Who the hell wrote this script?
..as the afternoon goes on.
And whether it's busting out some
moves on the dance floor
or being a global style icon,
the Prince has never been afraid
to use his profile to help others.
It's a privilege to be on the course
that helps with our communication
skills, key life skills,
things that we can really put
into practice on the outside world.
Even if it doesn't always work out.
Dig that crazy rhythm!
You have to keep ahead of the game.
You need to be constantly thinking
and aware of issues
that are arising to try
and make sure you're relevant.
He's incredibly driven
to do his duty
and therefore, in effect,
help so many people around him.
He's constantly wanting to make
the world a better place.
Decades ago,
his views on the environment
were considered controversial.
But now, many believe Prince Charles
was ahead of his time.
We cannot ignore the symptoms
and should act now to restore
the health of the planet.
He's not doing it for his sake.
He's doing it for everybody's sake,
he's doing it
for the next generation.
For his commitment to preserving
the future of the planet,
Prince Charles has
received over 25 awards.
And he is president
or patron of 423 charities.
Which raise over
140 million annually.
And make a positive
change to millions of lives.
Happy birthday!
So happy birthday
to the Prince of Wales,
we can't wait to see
what the future brings.
Very inspiring.
OK, here's a man
who actually performed at Prince
Charles' 60th birthday.
And he's back again tonight,
ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together for comedian
and break-out ethnic bit-part star
of Mamma Mia 2, it's Omid Djalili.
MUSIC: 'Dancing Queen'
Cut the music.
Cut it now, thanks.
Cut it, thank you.
Cut it.
It's great to be in a theatre
because I've been practising this
set for His Royal Highness
in comedy clubs
and I got the worst heckle
I've ever had in my life
above a pub in Willesden Green.
I was trying out a new joke
that got nothing and in the silence,
in the corner,
I audibly heard someone say,
"There used to be a pool
table in here."
It's not even a heckle, just a
wistful reminder of a happier time.
But it's great to have an Iranian
on the bill here.
Now, people say, "Are you banging
on about being an Iranian again?"
It's not banging on about it,
I'm reminded of it every day.
I mean, literally, just yesterday,
I went into a New York diner
because I was attracted by the sign
on the door that said,
"We offer the authentic
American experience."
And they wouldn't let me in.
Very realistic. Very realistic.
And the travel ban is actually...
Even if you have a British passport,
if you have Iranian heritage,
they won't let you in.
I was invited to do the
New York Comedy Festival
and they didn't give me a work visa,
I'm not kidding.
They said just come anyway.
At the time of heightened terror
attacks, I arrived at JFK,
they said, "Can you step forward,
please, sir?
"Can I have your passport?"
I gave the passport.
He says, "Could you put your
fingers there?" I said, "Fine."
And the guy looked through my
passport and he goes,
"Excuse me, sir, are you Iranian?"
I said,
"Er, yes, I'm ethnically Iranian,
but I was born and raised in the UK.
So, technically,
that makes me Ukrainian.
"Welcome to the United States, sir."
Thank you very much.
It's amazing.
It was a wonderful moment.
They told me not to talk
about Brexit, but, you know,
I have problems with authority
and, erm...
No, but Brexit is an amazing thing,
it's so British.
I love the fact that...
See, Brexit to me,
if we going to do it, we should...
Next Olympics,
we should do the Brexit 100m.
The Brexit 100m, everyone lines up,
the guy with the starter gun
shoots himself in the foot.
And that's it. That's it.
I love the Britishness of Brexit.
"Brexit means Brexit,
we've made our decision,
"we're going to get over it,
we're going to move on."
I love the stubborn
Britishness of it.
"We've made our decision."
Well, we don't know
what's going to happen.
"We've made our decision."
It could be a disaster.
"We've made our decision."
We could all die.
"We've made our decision."
And with all the lies that
we heard, you know, it's...
I don't want to
do too many analogies,
but it's a bit like going to a
newsagent and asking for a Mars bar.
And the newsagent gives you
a Snickers bar, you think,
"Oh, well, I'll eat the Snickers bar
despite the fact that
"I have a fatal nut allergy.
"But I've made my decision."
I don't want to do too
many analogies...
I haven't got
time for your applause.
I don't want to do too
many analogies,
but it's like jumping out of a plane
and your parachute doesn't open
and you think, "Oh, my God,
I'm going to die."
But then your instructor says,
"It's OK, you've got an emergency
parachute, pull the string."
"No, I've made my decision."
"We'll move on
at terminal velocity."
I don't want to do too many
analogies about this,
but it's a bit like watching the
first two minutes of The Kardashians
and then deciding
to continue watching.
"Because I've made my decision!"
But, Your Royal Highness,
70's a great age.
I know when I got to 50,
like most people,
you start making noises.
Do you ever make those noises?
You know, like when you've dropped
your phone you just kind of go...
You know what? I'll buy another one.
But 70, it's not like 80.
I've got two neighbours
who are 80 years old.
I didn't see them all summer
and they arrived,
they came back in September,
they looked tanned,
they got out of the car.
I watched them arrive,
she went in the house.
I thought I'd help the old guy
with the luggage and I said,
"Hey, you look great,
where have you been?"
He said, "Oh, well, it was amazing,
we were on holiday."
I said, "Where did you go?"
He went...
"No, I know this, I know this.
"Could you help me out, Omid?
"What's the name of that plant that
grows on the side of the building?"
I went, "Ivy?"
He goes, "Yeah, Ivy.
"Ivy, where did we go on holiday?
I've completely forgotten."
Completely forgotten.
You're not quite there yet,
you're not there yet.
But we respect you, Your Highness,
because as that film showed,
you believe in having a respect
and reverence for nature.
And I think that's
marvellous at a time
where we have to worry
about the environment.
I went to Clarence House to meet
His Royal Highness,
they said, "His Royal Highness,
he's in the greenhouse."
And I went there, and there he was,
surrounded by the delphiniums
and the begonias and the tulips
and he was talking to them.
He was talking to them.
It is not a rumour,
he was actually talking to them.
And I felt so humble
to watch him talk
and I just said,
"I don't mean to interrupt,"
and one of the delphiniums said,
"Please do, for God's sake.
"No clue what he's saying.
"Years! No clue."
It was a great moment.
I'm very proud to be
a Prince's Trust ambassador
and in the summer, we met again,
all the ambassadors
got to meet His Royal Highness
and we were all in
the gardens at Clarence House
and you can't meet everyone
at the same time,
we were put in little
groups of people.
I was in a little group and I said,
"Who are these guys?"
They said, "They're actors."
I didn't recognise who they were.
I saw some Hollywood A-listers,
three of them, over there.
And I said, "Who are they?"
And they said,
"They're another group of actors."
I said, "Well,
I suppose Ben Kingsley,
"he's never done The Bill, you know,
so he's not in my group."
But I just walked over and I stood
with the Hollywood A-listers.
I thought, "This is where I belong."
I just stood there, they looked at
me and said, "Hello," like that.
And then Prince Charles came over
and he made a beeline for me,
which meant a lot to me. He goes,
"Yeah, are you still doing the
comedy?" I said, "Yes, I am."
He looked at the others and goes,
"Have you seen his act?"
And they all said,
"We don't even know who he is."
And I said,
"That is the Prince of Wales."
You see.
I've got your back, baby.
I've got your back.
Your Royal Highness,
thank you so much.
Goodnight, thank you.
Still to come, Penn and Teller.
We do like to speak rather candidly
about magic to our audiences.
And Mischief Theatre.
Why haven't any of you
got normal jobs?
Now, our next guests
have changed the way we all view
magic over the years.
And have repeatedly raised the bar.
Now, they've kindly taken
a break from their Las Vegas show
and flown all the way to the UK
to perform here tonight.
Please put your hands together
for the legends that are
Penn and Teller!
Good evening from Penn and Teller
and we are so excited to be
in London. Very happy to be here.
You know, we're big fans
of Sherlock Holmes
and we try when we can
to use Sherlock Holmes' principles
in our show.
Like Sherlock and indeed Dr Watson,
we like to use deduction
and physical evidence.
I love the deduction stuff
and Teller loves the
physical evidence stuff.
So we're going to try
to do a card trick
using deduction
and physical evidence.
Xander, could you help us out here?
Alexander Armstrong!
We're going to have you pick a card,
but not just reach in,
where I can do
all sorts of manipulation.
When you look at the cards,
really think about them, OK?
I'm going to fan them out to you
and I'm going to try
to get you to see all the faces,
but try to think about what card you
want to pick, look at them over,
think about it.
It's really important
that you think about what card
you want to pick
and then reach in and grab a card
that speaks to you,
that means something to do.
A card that means something to you.
Pull it out of there.
And then you can show it
to the camera. We won't look.
It'd be no fun if we did.
There you go. Now, memorise it.
Don't forget it. Don't forget it.
And now,
put it right back in the deck.
And now, something you'll
never see a magician do,
you give the cards a shuffle.
Give those a good shuffle.
Oh, give them that kind of shuffle.
That's fine!
And now, Teller will do
the physical evidence...
..while I do the deduction.
I told you to look through
and pick one.
There's some psychology
going on here.
I can deduce some things.
Like, I did some research.
I happen to know that you went to
Trinity College, Cambridge, right?
So I know that part of their slogan,
their sign...
..roses, right? So just by doing
that, thinking about that,
I know that you indeed picked
a red card.
No. No.
You love music, don't you?
Well, the suit that looks the most
like musical notes is spades.
You have four children.
Final answer, four of spades.
OK, deduction doesn't always work.
But you looked through the cards.
Now, Teller has been examining this,
he's looked for your fingerprints,
he's looked at everything
and he thinks you picked
the queen of spades. Is that right?
No. Not right.
OK, well,
deduction didn't work perfectly.
Erm, evidence didn't work perfectly.
He says the queen of spades.
So we're going to try
something else.
We need somebody,
somebody who has tremendous
psychic mental powers.
What we call in America a mentalist.
Are there any mentalists
in the audience?
Any mentalists in the audience
tonight who can help us here?
I thought there was supposed to be
a mentalist...?
Oh, right there. I think there's
some mentalists right there.
Can you help us with this, please?
Of course.
I think you picked the ace of clubs.
Was it the ace of clubs?
That's it. That is my card.
So, deduction...
Deduction, physical evidence and
a little help from an old friend
got us there in the end.
Yes, this gentleman is actually
one of the world's
most revered mentalists.
He's former President
of the Magic Circle
and 43 years ago
witnessed the induction
of a certain Prince of Wales
into that very society.
Please put your hands together
for our incredible assistant
Mr David Berglas!
Thank you, dude.
We are not members
of the Magic Circle.
They will not let us in
because we've been known
to give away magic secrets.
We do like to speak rather candidly
about magic to our audiences
and there is a term, a misdirection,
that all lay people know,
but it's originally a term of art
in magic.
The way lay people use
the word misdirection,
it's almost synonymous
with distraction.
People sometimes think misdirection
is like, "Hey, look over there!"
And then you do something sneaky
over here.
And the problem is
that just doesn't work.
If people know they're distracted,
they just aren't fooled.
What we mean by misdirection
is almost a curating of attention,
giving people a story
that they naturally tell themselves
that explains where
their attention was every instant.
Now, we're going to do a trick
that uses misdirection for you here.
And this trick is called
the vanishing chicken.
Now, when I say I'm going to
give you a story to tell yourselves,
I don't mean some jive story,
like this is, you know,
Captain Clunky McCluckface
and she's going to blast off
to Mars in a rocket ship
shaped like a chicken coop.
No, I mean a real story
that's really natural
and you tell yourselves without
even thinking about it.
You know it's a vanishing chicken.
I've told you that.
So I cover it up and
you're thinking your to yourself,
"Well, this is Penn and Teller,
"we know they're going to do
a magic trick,"
so your thoughts automatically
cover the misdirection,
because you've promised yourselves
that at no time
will you allow your attention...
Now, I want to see how well
this worked.
Can I have the house lights up
for a second, please?
Oh, hi!
I want to see a show of hands here.
Now, how many of you saw
the gorilla with the cymbals?
It should be all of you!
It's a gorilla with cymbals!
Now, a subset of that,
how many of you saw Teller walk out,
cop the chicken, and split?
That's most of you, too. Now, here's
where the misdirection comes in.
During all of that,
how many saw I sneaked the gorilla
into the chicken coop right there?
How many saw me doing that?
Cos that's misdirection.
Ladies and gentlemen, Ben Miller!
That was so good.
I got to tell you, if you're ever
in Vegas and you need work,
give us a call. He's good!
That's fighting talk.
Ladies and gentlemen,
put your hands together
for the incredible Penn and Teller!
And I must stress, no animals
were harmed during that trick.
Although, I have sweated
half my body weight in this suit.
Now, Mr Penn, while I slip into
something slightly less moist...
..would you please be so kind
as to introduce the next act?
I sure will. Thank you.
Ben Miller!
I'm so happy
to introduce this next act.
We spend a lot of time
around London,
we've see some amazing
West End theatre shows,
and the last time we were here
we saw a show
that absolutely blew our minds.
A show called
The Play That Goes Wrong.
We loved it so much, we felt
compelled to get in touch with them
and said, "Why don't we do
a magic show together?"
So we did.
And it's called Magic Goes Wrong.
So, for the very first time,
we'd like to present an exclusive
little piece of the show
before it opens next year,
performed by members
of the fantastic Mischief Theatre.
It's time to delve into
the world of psyche
with our magic and their madness.
Please welcome the Mind-Mangler!
I am the Mind-Mangler.
Medal-winning master of the mind,
mind, mind, mind...
I have a sense of taste,
but it is a strange taste,
for I can taste
people's first names.
Gentleman here, please,
nice and clearly for all the
audience to hear, what is your name?
Are there any Johns in?
What, there's no Johns in?
2,000 people and not one John?!
It's the most common name
in the English...
Anyone called John?
LAUGHTER I'll take a Jonathan.
Yes, you, sir.
Your name is John?
Is your name John?
I knew it.
This is not my only skill.
I also have a sense of smell,
but it is a strange smell,
for I can smell what your job is.
Yes, I can.
When you arrived here
at the theatre this evening,
you checked your coats and bags into
the cloakroom by the box office.
I was in that cloakroom.
I smelt every one of those coats
and all of those bags.
And from that,
I was able to determine
what your professions are.
As I detected them,
I wrote them down
and the time has come now
for me to reveal them.
Gentleman here, please, nice
and clearly for all of us to hear,
what is your job?
I'm retired.
You're retired...
First one out of the gate,
and you don't have a job.
Thank you for helping me
with this section.
That's why I wrote down...
..when I smelt your coat
that you are old.
Anyone here have a job?
What's your job?
I'm a director.
You're a director?
That's generic, isn't it?
What kind of a director?
I run a marketing company.
You run a marketing company?
Very good. Absolutely.
That's why I wrote down
that you work indoors.
The lady here, please,
what's your job?
PR? What kind of PR?
You work for his company, do you?
What kind of PR do you do?
Champagne PR?
What an insanely niche market.
Just champagne PR,
just luxury champagne PR?
That's why I wrote down
that you have a vague job.
Why haven't any of you got
normal jobs?!
LAUGHTER You, what's your job?
A maze marshal.
You're a maze marshal?
You're a maze...? Is that right?
You marshal mazes?
That's unbelievable. There can't be
ten of those in the country!
How have I stumbled across
the one maze marshal?
You marshal a maze.
I'm surprised
you've found your way here!
That's why I wrote down
your job is ridiculous.
This is not my only skill.
I also have a sense of hearing,
but it is a strange hearing,
for I can hear
the thoughts of playing cards.
I hear them in my mind,
mind, mind, mind....
In this next experiment,
I need a member of the audience
to come up and join me on stage.
A member of the audience.
Who would like to volunteer?
Oh, me, yes!
You, sir! Thank you very much.
Give him a big hand as he comes up
and joins me on the stage.
Thank you very much.
Thank you, sir.
Thank you very much. Thank you.
Now, can you please confirm
we have never met before? No.
We do not live together.
What a strange thing to say.
What's your name? Steve.
Steve, right.
No, Brian, isn't it? We said Brian.
Brian. Thank you, Brian.
I'm a maze marshal.
Thank you, Brian.
Think of a card.
The three of clubs.
Think of a card.
Don't say it out loud.
HE WHISPERS: The three of clubs.
No, think of a card in your mind,
mind, mind, mind...
Not that one!
Think of a card, not
the three of clubs, that won't work.
Why? Because you've told me what
it is. Think of a different card.
the four of clubs. Don't say it out
loud! Don't say it out loud, right?
Think of a card. In my brain?
If you have one.
Not the three of clubs, not the four
of clubs, and don't say it, right?
Right. Right.
MAN: The five of clubs.
Not the five of clubs, please!
It was!
It was the five of clubs!
It wasn't the five clubs!
He's proper good, he is!
He's not good!
He's better than you are.
He's not better than me!
Of course he is!
He's not better than me!
You haven't done nothing!
I think it's very easy, yeah?
Yeah, watch. You, what's your job?
Prince of Wales. Right, next!
I'm so sorry. I'm so sorry.
Look, I'm the Mind-Mangler.
Oh, fine. Oh, right, so you
all think this is easy, do you?
They all do, yeah. You all think
this is easy? All right...
What do you mean, yes?!
OK, what's your name?
All right, Rachel, fine.
If it's so easy,
why don't you have a go?
I'm going to think of a number. A
number between one and ten, Rachel.
Why don't you tell me what number
I'm thinking of? Come on.
All right, well,
that time it was six, yes, but...
All right, maze marshal,
what's your name?
Why didn't you say that
in the first place?!
I was looking for a John
at the beginning, wasn't I?
OK, fine, all right.
All right, all right...
All right, I'm thinking of a city.
What do you mean, you didn't hear?
All right, I'm thinking of the city.
All right, go on, John.
If it's so easy, John...
All right, if it's so easy,
why don't you tell me?
Come on, what city am I thinking of?
Berlin? All right, well, again,
you got lucky. You got lucky.
All right, fine.
Just keep your cool, mate.
I am keeping my cool!
Right, let's try another one.
Give me the chalkboard.
All right, fine. Please.
All right, OK, fine.
Here, all right.
You, what's your name?
All right, fine, I knew it.
OK, fine, Anya.
I'm going to think of a colour, OK?
And if it's so easy to read minds,
mind, mind, mind...
Not now, please!
If it's so easy to read minds,
mind, mind, mind...
Stop it!
If it's so easy to read... thoughts,
then why don't you tell me
what colour have I written down?
How did you know that?!
For God's sake, go home!
Mate, just calm down!
Still to come, two old friends...
Yeah, and I, like, totally did
the fly-past over Buck Palace.
Like, actually shut up!
And Jim Carter...
I just heard here
on the stage tonight
there is a member of
the Magic Circle, which amazed me.
I tell you what, bruv,
I, like, totally made up
the whizz of the theatre.
It's like, sick, man.
Yeah, going theatre's swag.
Cos theatre's like, you know,
TV or something or whatever,
except it's all, like, in 3-D
cos, like, actual things
can come out in your face.
And you, like, actually smell things
which makes it foodie.
Yes, sorry about that, man.
I had a Scotch egg for lunch.
There is a line, bruv.
Isn't it?
Isn't it, though.
So, my nan reckons this is like a
birthday party. But how come, yeah?
Cos we're, like, in a theatre
and isn't a birthday party
supposed to be in a house
or a Laser Quest
or an ice cream shop?
Yeah, this is, like,
Charlie's party. What Charlie?
Charlie from the Windsor crew.
What, the one who used to be
all in the RAF
and flying them planes,
like what we does? Yes.
The man's boss.
I heard he's so skilled he flew
his plane through Windsor Castle
and didn't touch the sides
and I'm not even lying or nothing.
You can ask Kevin cos Kevin knows
Tina and Tina's sister saw it.
The man's well boss.
I heard he was the first Royal
to do a parachute jump.
You know, you fall out of a plane
and instead of dying,
you, like, live.
And he didn't hit a tree or a rock
or a cow or anything.
Remember, like, when he was born?
What, like as an actual baby?
But remember, like, when
he was born? Like an actual baby?
Yeah, like an actual baby.
That day was proper wicked.
The man had a well epic street party
- cake, hats, gin, juice.
Yeah, and I, like, totally did
the fly-past over Buck Palace.
Like, actually shut up.
You done the fly-past,
you're serious, bruv?
Totally serious.
The King asked me and the RAF
to fly over his crib
and do some stunts
or this or that or whatever.
So I gets in the Spitfire, yeah, and
I'm all, like, doing looperty loops
and upside-down swagger with smoke
and ting coming out the back.
What colour smoke, bruv?
British colour.
That's well gangsta.
That's what the King said.
He was like,
"Oh, my days! That's well gangsta!"
But get this, he didn't even not
give me no knighthood nor nothing.
That's, like, well prejudiced.
You should, like, totally complain.
He'd be well sacked. Isn't it?
Isn't it, though?
So, er...
So, who's next?
From school?
Cheryl from geography field trip,
who got wet in a rock pool
and you could, like,
totally see her bra strap
and Tommy said he got a picture,
but he never lets anyone see it.
No, no, this is, like,
a different Cheryl.
You know, from the wireless
and the music halls.
Oh, Cheryl
the multi-award-winning singer
and all-round national treasure
from the peng band Girls Aloud?
Yeah, that Cheryl.
Ladies and gentlemen,
let's go cray, cray for Cheryl.
Not from school!
I'm here to talk about
the Prince's Trust.
In 1976, his Royal Highness
the Prince of Wales had a bold idea.
Having completed his duty
in the Royal Navy,
he became dedicated
to improving the lives
of disadvantaged young people
in the UK.
He founded his trust
to deliver on that commitment.
Who could have imagined that,
40 years on, the Prince's Trust
would become
such an important part of society?
I have been so inspired
by the work of the Prince's Trust
that I've been raising funds
for a Prince's Trust
and a Cheryl's Trust centre
in my own home town.
I couldn't be happier
that my centre in Newcastle
is now open and we're helping
hundreds of local young people
get the support they need
from this amazing charity.
Here to tell more...
..about the incredible work they do
is Prince's Trust ambassador
Jon Snow.
I was a teenager,
up to no good all the time.
I was shot nine times.
Throughout my life, I have suffered
with psychotic depression.
I lost full sight in my left eye.
Environments I'm not familiar with
would be a struggle.
The Prince's Trust put me
on to their enterprise programme,
they helped me learn the ins
and the outs of running a business.
Relying on charitable donations
from the public,
the Prince's Trust is committed
to helping disadvantaged youngsters
into employment,
training or education.
You all have a job!
Young people,
from whatever background,
should have an opportunity
to fulfil their potential.
But particularly those
from disadvantaged circumstances.
The Prince's Trust referred me
to the Fairbridge Programme
where you meet a bunch
of new people, build your confidence
doing lots of different activities.
The Prince's Trust evolved
over time into what it is now,
which is this incredible charity
that has bust every possible limit
it was ever set.
who were literally rock-bottom,
and you give them
just a little glimmer of hope
and then, suddenly, they flourish.
It changed my life.
It gave me the confidence to leave
my house, it gave me friends,
it enabled me to get back
into college
and I recently got accepted
to the University of West London
for mental health nursing.
If it wasn't for the Prince's Trust,
I don't know where I would be.
It gave me more confidence
to do things.
The Prince's Trust
gave me some money
to go to
the National Youth Music Theatre.
And if I hadn't got that money,
I probably wouldn't be
standing here today.
Since it began,
the Prince's Trust has helped over
900,000 young people across the UK.
And now, it's branching out to
support youngsters across the world.
I'd just like to say thank you
to the Prince's Trust.
I was thinking about who I was
and who I used to be.
For more information on how
the charity helps our young people,
please go to...
And on behalf of everyone
the trust has helped,
happy birthday
to the Prince of Wales.
What an incredible charity.
Time now to welcome to the stage
another very special guest.
Fresh off the set
of the Downton Abbey movie,
where he plays
everyone's favourite butler,
ladies and gentlemen,
it's Jim Carter!
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
Tonight, I've been given
the distinct privilege
of saying a few words about someone
who I think I can get away with
referring to as the birthday boy.
As a fellow septuagenarian,
I'd like to take a moment
to recognise the impact
that this incredible individual
has had on so many lives
over the last 70 years.
His enthusiasm,
his energy are truly infectious.
And not content with the lasting
legacy that he's already created,
he continues to work tirelessly
for the betterment of others.
And tonight,
I just heard on the stage
that he's a member
of the Magic Circle.
Which amazed me.
I've no idea
where he finds the time.
Ladies and gentlemen,
I am of course talking about...
Speech! Speech!
Don't worry, Sooty,
I'll do it for you.
Now, Sooty, has been at the centre
of British life
for the past seven decades
and, despite his superstardom,
he remains modest to this very day,
preferring to communicate
by whispering in the ear
of his best friend Sue.
Sorry, Sweep, apologies.
Yes, I'm going to introduce you
as well.
Sweep, Sweep, language please!
Royalty's present.
But Sooty does of course
share his birthday
with someone he holds very dear,
the Prince of Wales.
And while not many people know this,
they've quite literally
grown up with each other.
Let's take a look
at their 70 years together...
# Oh, you're my best friend... #
Ever since he was a baby,
his Royal Highness
has been inseparable from his
favourite furry friend, Sooty.
And it was in the early years that
they both fell in love with magic.
So, here is Prince Charles
with Sooty
and their glamorous assistant
Princess Anne
rehearsing their disappearing pram
Sadly, the Incredible Windsors
didn't make it past round one
of Britain's Got Talent.
Now, age and time
only served to strengthen the bond
between the Prince
and his pint-sized pal
and as Charles's military career
so did Sooty's.
Here we see Sooty with the Prince
when he was a lieutenant
in the Royal Navy
abroad HMS Bronington.
You can't tell in this photograph
that Sooty is seasick
because it's in black and white
but, actually,
he's a disgusting shade of green.
In recent years,
both his Royal Highness and Sooty
have enjoyed
spectator sports together...
..with Royal Ascot
being an annual awayday
alongside the Duchess of Cornwall.
And after a lifetime together...
..they continue to enjoy
each other's company.
And I'm extremely honoured
to be here with you tonight
and to wish you both
a very happy 70th birthday.
Ladies and gentlemen,
Prince Charles and Sooty!
Still to come... Alistair McGowan.
Dara O Briain said, "Er..."
And the Ehrlich Brothers.
But this is nice, isn't it?
Back together again. I know.
It's been too long. Not that
it feels like we've been apart.
You know, you're never off
the telly. Well, you know, I dabble.
Well, it's more than dabbling.
What's that thing you do?
It's Pointless. Don't do yourself
down. I enjoy your singing.
No, as you very well know,
the TV programme is Pointless.
Your words, not mine.
Now for one of my comedy heroes,
here with some messages from
people who can't be here tonight,
please welcome Alistair McGowan!
Thank you!
Thank you very much, everybody.
Good evening, Your Royal Highness.
Yes, I have some messages
from people
who sadly couldn't be here
on the stage with us tonight.
Piers Morgan has tweeted...
AS PIERS MORGAN: I can't be there.
I've got to be up very early in the
morning to do Good Morning Britain
and annoy Susanna Reid
and most of the entire nation, so...
..no late nights for me these days.
Frank Skinner sent his apologies.
Happy birthday, sir.
A winter birthday as well.
And I have to say, actually...
..I love the winter. I really do.
Although, last November,
I actually went to call on a mate of
mine and when I rang his doorbell
I had to put on a pair of gloves
and a scarf
because a note on the door said,
"No cold callers." Anyway...
Boris Johnson.
AS BORIS JOHNSON: Well, you know,
look, come on, you know, erm...
when I received the invitation,
you know, and let me be
absolutely clear about this,
when I first received the
invitation, I was fully behind it.
I was fully behind it.
But by Monday...
You know...
Professor Brian Cox
was very upset not to be here.
AS BRIAN COX: I may be an expert
on the physics of the universe
and an authority
on the very nature...
..of time itself,
but I wrote the date down wrong
in my diary.
Sir Patrick Stewart said...
I'm washing my hair that night.
Dara O Briain said...
Er, er...
Blaa, blaa, er...
And Simon Cowell just said...
Which I think is a bit rude.
One final message, sir, from me.
Congratulations on 49 years
as the Prince of Wales.
Although, I have to say, in all
that time, to my knowledge, sir,
you've never once tried to be Welsh.
Now, if I'd been the Prince of Wales
for 49 years,
I think, just once, I'd have wanted
to turn up somewhere and go...
obviously, I'm absolutely delighted
to be here today to, erm...
to open this, erm...
..this here hospital.
And I've had
a bit of a look around, like,
and I've got to say
it's bloody lush here, innit, eh?
I tell you.
Thank you very much, goodnight!
Thank you!
OK, time now to enjoy
one of Germany's best exports.
I have to say what you're about
to see is absolutely extraordinary.
Please welcome for their
first-ever UK performance,
just sneaking in
before the borders close,
it's the Ehrlich Brothers!
# Why
# Why can't this moment
Last for evermore?
# We sail into infinity
# No
# Don't ever stop
Doing the things you do
# Don't go
# In every breath I take
I'm breathing you
# Euphoria
# From now on, only you and I
# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
# Oh, oh, oh, oh-oh
# Euphoria
# We're going u-u-u-u-u-u-up. #
Thank you very, very much
for your warm welcome.
Good evening, ladies and gentlemen.
We are the Ehrlich Brothers
from Germany.
And we feel very honoured
to be tonight here with you
in the Palladium.
Yeah, we'd like to tell you
how we actually got into magic
for the first time.
It all started at Christmas.
Yeah, I wished for a sister.
And then I got him!
Shut up.
At least he looks like a sister.
No, no, just kidding.
On that Christmas,
we got exactly, exactly
what we had put on our wish list.
It was a wooden sled
with craft runners.
Oh, we just loved it.
And every day,
we went outside and played on it.
But unfortunately,
it was a winter without any snow.
Our mum took a picture of it.
That's what it looked like.
No snow.
Just molehills.
The only snow we saw that winter
was Mum and Dad's snow globe.
And that was the very first time
in our lives
we really wanted to be able to do...
May each snowflake turn
into a magic moment in your life.
Thank you very much!
Thank you!
Still to come, Bill Bailey...
There was a fellow there, he was
doing a falconry demonstration
and he said to me,
"A lot of them don't come back."
Just before we bring on
our incredible final act,
sir, we'd like, if we may,
to read out a few birthday cards
that have been sent in.
This one's very cute, sir.
It's got a unicorn on it
and it says,
"May your day be full of rainbows,
cupcakes and sparkles."
Who is that from?
The Royal Marines.
This one...
It's lovely, look.
It's got a birthday cake there
was some candles in and some stars,
all wax crayon.
Oh, that's lovely.
Is that from little Prince George?
Donald Trump, no.
Joined-up writing, too.
Now, this is the last one.
So this is from the Tower of London.
For your birthday,
they want to put the crown jewels
on open-air display.
A bit nippy for that.
It's like talking to a brick wall.
The line, Xander. Remember the line.
Look, they're talking about
the orbs and sceptre.
So am I.
It's off the line!
I can't apologise enough, sir.
Let's just push on
with the grand finale,
and we promise you
this is going to be a real treat.
Now, he normally hails from
just down the road in Hammersmith
but tonight, he's flown
all the way from Australia
where he is currently
on his world tour.
Ladies and gentlemen,
it gives us immense pleasure
to welcome to the stage comedian
and musical genius Bill Bailey!
Good evening, everyone.
And good evening, er...
I'm Bill Bailey, I'm from the West
of England, the West Country.
And I don't have the accent any more
because I wanted to get on in life.
You don't see people
in positions of power or influence
with a West Country accent, do you?
IN ACCENT: "Hello, there..."
You just, you know,
you don't take them seriously.
If somebody fainted in the street
and you said,
IN ACCENT: "Here, let me through,
I'm a doctor."
People would just laugh
in your face.
"No, you're not."
IN ACCENT: "I flipping well am!
"I've got a certificate
and everything!"
"That's just a book of Pam Ayres
poems, you wurzle."
I like the West Country, though.
Don't get me wrong.
I mean, it's where I grew up.
I was filming down there in Devon.
I went to a West Country
wildlife park
and it's quite different down there,
they do things in a different way.
It's quite relaxed, you know.
And there was no signs
on any of the animal enclosures.
You know, "What's in there?"
"Well, I don't know.
"Could be a Mongolian red panda or
a cat or something, I don't know."
"They're all in together?"
"Yeah, we just chuck them all in
"Lemurs, wallabies, crabs, gazelles.
They all seem to get on."
"What do you feed them?"
"We just chuck
a big bag of Quavers in
"and they all seem to get on
with that."
There was a fellow there, he was
doing a falconry demonstration.
He said to me,
"A lot of them don't come back."
"That's another one gone down.
We've lost another one.
"Bring the ostrich out
and the big glove!"
Anyway, it's a great pleasure to be
here. Yeah, I am from West London.
They did mention briefly I'm
from West London. West London, yeah.
When people talk like that,
the young people,
when they're making a point,
they point a little bit to the side.
They don't point forwards,
like in the old way.
"Well, that's a very good point
well made."
No, they talk to the side.
"Yeah, that's it,
when I'm making a point,
"I point adjacent to the finger
I'm actually pointing it at.
"Like that, yeah?"
I feel sorry for them.
I reckon a lot of them must get
the wrong cheese in delis...
..on a regular basis.
"Yeah, some of that, yeah?"
"No, no, not the Wensleydale
low-fat with chive!"
"Port Salut, man!
"I'm gonna have to stand
a little bit to the side.
"Some of that, yeah?"
Thank you very much.
I've always preferred the minor key.
the building blocks of music.
The minor scales
are much more evocative.
The beautiful melodic minor.
The hopeful accent,
the depressing decent.
# Things are looking happy
and joyful
# No, they're not,
they're depressing and bleak. #
The harmonic minor with
that little Indian raga at the end.
It's impossible to play that
without playing this...
The minor key
is so much more evocative.
The major key, too eager to please.
# Like me, like me, like me,
like me, I'm a major key. #
No, back off.
I prefer the minor key.
Some of the world's
great classical music
is written in the minor key,
like Fur Elise.
But in the major key,
it doesn't work, does it?
It just sounds like a...
..Bavarian milking song.
Now, some of the great national
anthems are written in a major key.
In fact, most national anthems
are in a major key,
celebratory, uplifting.
I'd like to experiment with them
and play them in a different key.
And the one I'm thinking of
is The Star-Spangled Banner,
the American national anthem,
which I think is appropriately now,
I think it should be played
in the minor key.
It... It takes on a totally
different dynamic.
It actually makes it sound
a bit Russian.
I'd like to play for you now
one of my favourite hymns,
a lovely old song, Jerusalem.
Now, Jerusalem is a great tune.
And the mark of any great tune
is that you can play it
in all different ways.
And I'd like to play it in
many, many different ways tonight.
We'll be experimenting with virtual
instruments, real instruments,
one of these, which is a theremin,
you play it by moving
any part of your body in.
Actually, I don't know
if any of you have noticed,
the opening stanzas of Jerusalem
sound a bit like Fats Domino's
Blueberry Hill.
# And was the holy Lamb of God
# On England's
pleasant pastures seen?
# And did the countenance divine
# Shine forth upon
our clouded hills?
# And was Jerusalem builded here
# Among those dark Satanic Mills?
# Bring me my bow of burning gold!
# Bring me my arrows of desire!
# Bring me my spear!
# O clouds, unfold!
# Bring me my chariot of fire!
# I will not cease from mental fight
# Nor shall my sword
sleep in my hand
# Till we have built Jerusalem
# In England's
green and pleasant land. #
Thank you very much!
Jerusalem, as you probably
never heard it before.
It's really hard
playing those bells. So, now...
..I'd like to finish up by sending
you off into the balmy London air
with a little folk song.
This is a little folk reel
of my own composition.
And I'll be employing
the live looping skills,
as employed by Ed Sheeran.
So, in your face!
Here we go.
Ladies and gentlemen, Bill Bailey!
Thank you, Bill.
And a huge thank you
to everyone here on stage
who have given their time
in aid of the Prince's Trust.
Thank you very much, everyone.
Thank you.
And a final thanks of the night must
go to their Royal Highnesses,
the Prince of Wales
and the Duchess of Cornwall!
Ladies and gentlemen, please join us
in giving three hearty cheers
for his Royal Highness
the Prince of Wales!
After the performance,
their Royal Highnesses
joined the members of the cast
on stage,
where they met the creators of
tonight's Wallace and Gromit film,
Merlin Crossingham
and Nick Park.
Next is Rebecca Bernice Amissah
and the cast of the Mind-Mangler.
Followed by Penn and Teller.
Then Cheryl, Dynamo
and Sandi Toksvig.
Before moving on to Bill Bailey
and Rowan Atkinson.
Next is Kylie Minogue
and Alistair McGowan.
Followed by Omid Djalili,
Sooty and Sweep
and Jim Carter.
Then the Ehrlich Brothers.
Clinton Jordan,
conductor of the Kingdom Choir.
Opera singer Florence Hvorostovsky.
And finally, the Prince meets
Ben Miller and Alexander Armstrong.
We hope you've been
truly amused and amazed.
From everyone here
at the London Palladium,
thank you for watching
and goodnight!