Wedgerino (2015) Movie Script

- My right eyelid just gave out.
Larry, are you there?
- Hmmm.
- This is my new reality.
I'll have to live the rest
of my life with only one eye.
- What's wrong
with having only one eye?
I think one eye is plenty.
- I know you're
trying to be positive, but...
- I'm serious, Carl.
You can see fine with one eye.
Just like you can do fine
with one best friend.
- I agree about the
"only needing one best friend" part,
but I do have concerns
about my depth perception
and my ability to use binoculars.
- You can train
your one working eye
to have the power of two.
- I've never trained
for anything in my entire life.
You know that, Larry.
You're supposed to by my best friend.
You're supposed to help
me in times of crisis.
- I am helping you.
I'm keeping you company.
I'm helping you adjust to your new life.
- I'm scared.
Are you scared, Larry?
- Of course I'm scared.
I'm scared for you.
I'm scared for me.
I'm scared for our friendship.
- And it's back up and running.
I almost caught a little
permanent shuteye, there.
- You're probably allergic to
something in the apartment.
- I'm not allergic to anything.
- Good, then we can get a cat.
- Except cats.
Come on, Larry.
- I'm sorry, Carl.
I just really want a pet cat.
I have for a long time.
- I feel bad.
I just don't wanna be constantly sneezing
in my own apartment.
- I feel bad for even bringing it up.
- No, I feel bad.
- I feel bad.
- I feel bad.
- I feel bad.
- I...
- Still...
- You first.
- I was gonna say, still best friends?
- Number one.
- What were you gonna say?
- I was gonna say, I feel bad.
- How's it going?
- Let's just say,
I'm happy to see you
with both eyes.
Cross myself
But now I see
For the first time you won
Folding fast
Finally freed
My mind
- That girl's drowning.
- She sure is, Larry.
She sure is.
She needs a towel, stat.
She's wet and her skin is pruned.
Veronica, may I speak
with you for a moment?
In private.
Why aren't you being supportive?
This young lady needs our help.
- I realized you were being a good guy
when you jumped into the water
to save her from drowning,
but at the same time,
I'm jealous that you saved her and not me.
- But Veronica, you weren't drowning.
- Emotions don't always make sense, Carl.
- She's right, Carl.
For instance, I feel annoyed
that you saved this
young lady from drowning
when I was clearly the one who pointed out
she was drowning in the first place.
Now, my girlfriend thinks you're a hero
and she thinks I'm a
complete and utter loser.
- Can I talk to you for a second, Larry?
- Sure, speak away.
- In private.
I don't understand why you
think you need to impress me
by saving some upstart
skank from drowning.
When you act uncertain
about my feelings for you,
it makes me feel you're
feelings for me are uncertain.
- I don't know what my problem is.
Here I've got this great girl
and I'm acting like a total jerk.
- Even when you act like
a jerk, you're my jerk.
- Here, I got you these
as a way of saying, I'm sorry.
- Come on, let's get back to the picnic.
- Larry, Sophia, meet Nicole.
- Great to meet you Larry, Sofa.
- It's Sophia.
- I've heard so much about you both.
I don't have a boyfriend right now,
but I hope, someday,
to be in a relationship
as killer as yours.
- I'm glad you're feeling better.
- Yep.
I mean, I guess I should
have learned how to swim
before walking so dangerously
close to the river.
Thank you.
- Nicole, can I talk to you for a second?
In private.
- What is it, Veronica?
- You're being super
flirty with my boyfriend.
I realize you're probably
feeling emotional right now,
or whatever.
Maybe you think you're in love with him.
I guess what I'm saying is,
don't mess with my boyfriend just because,
by some coincidence,
he happened to save you from drowning.
- The truth is I do find
your boyfriend attractive,
but I would never do anything
to put your relationship in jeopardy.
Besides, Carl loves you.
You're beautiful, inside and out.
I know that Sophia is your
number one best friend,
but I'd like to wedge myself in there
and become one of your
top five best friends.
Also, I hope you don't mind if
I give Carl my business card.
I hope to someday repay
him for saving my life.
- You can never repay
somebody for saving your life.
- You could get pretty freaking close.
Here's my card.
I design websites for a living.
I love my job.
I'm really good at it.
Keep in touch
and always follow your heart.
- What's this thing for?
- Well, I know how much
you wanted a real pet,
but we couldn't have one
because I'm allergic.
So, I thought, since you are
my number one best friend,
I'd get you the next best thing.
- A stuffed animal.
- His name is Stuffy.
- That name makes him sound like
he has a stuffed nose.
- If he had a stuffed nose,
his name would be Sniffles.
- Maybe his name is Sniffles.
How do you even know his name?
- Maybe you should be
a little more concerned
with taking care of your new pet
and a little less concerned
with being so selfish all the time, Larry.
- It's not selfish to
want an actual live pet
instead of a pretend one.
What am I supposed to do
with a stuffed animal?
Feed it a can of stuffed tuna?
- I'm gonna take a snooze.
- Yeah, seems like you
could use a little shuteye.
- And you can use a little shut mouth.
- Hello, Larry.
Hey, Stuffy.
How's your cold?
I mean, I don't think you have a cold.
You know, Stuff,
I thought Larry was my best
friend through thick and thin,
but apparently...
- But apparently, he is.
You were right.
Stuffy's an excellent compromise
and more than a compromise.
I've grown to love the little guy.
Now I see, he's even better
than a real life pet.
He doesn't need a litter box,
he'll never get sick
and he's just as soft, if not, softer.
- Are you just saying that?
Because I still have the receipt.
I'm sorry for telling you
to get a little shut mouth.
- It did me good.
Gave the old flapper a break.
- Let's celebrate.
- What is with all the commotion?
I was trying to read.
If you can't keep it down
you can find another place to live.
And incase you haven't figured it out yet,
I'm your new landlord.
I'm Dominic.
I'm not messing around.
- I'm Carl and this is my
roommate and best friend, Larry.
Sorry to have bothered you.
See, we're celebrating.
That's why we popped open a bottle
of non-alcoholic champagne.
- Would you care for a glass?
- No!
No, I don't wanna glass
of your stupid champagne.
Especially is it's non-alcoholic,
which would technically make
it sparkling grape juice.
What I would care for
is some peace and quiet
so I can finish reading my novel.
- What's that you're reading?
- What do you care what I'm reading?
How would you like it if I
asked you what you were reading
or what size hat you are?
- I wouldn't mind at all
and I don't see what that
has to do with anything.
- It has everything to do with everything.
Now, what size hat are you?
- I don't know.
- He doesn't know.
- What size hat are you?
- Large.
- Medium!
I hate both of you and
you can both shove it.
And I also hate women
because they're tricky,
mean and confusing.
To be clear, I don't hate everything.
I like reading.
I like spending time with my kid brother,
being a landlord and I
also like my other job
as a boxing promoter.
Now, I'm going back to my apartment
and I don't wanna be bothered again.
You got it?
I just wanna remind you dummies
that rent is two thousand per month.
Not per year, not per
decade, but per month
and I'm gonna need it by
this Thursday or else.
- You know something, Carl?
That was some lip-smacking good lemonade.
- Yeah.
We shoulda sold it at a lemonade stand
instead of drinking it all.
- Yeah, we do need to make some money.
- We could get jobs on Wall Street.
- You can't just get a
job on Wall Street, Carl.
You, at least, need a masters in business
or an uncle who works on Wall Street.
- I know that, Larry.
I was simply just
tossing out a suggestion.
- We need to...
We don't wanna get jobs
working for somebody else.
- We could form a band.
Did you know bands make
more money from touring
than they do CD sales?
- Actually, I did know that,
but I was thinking more along the lines
of being entrepreneurs.
Starting a small business.
- Or medium business or a large business.
- Now you're thinking bigger.
- We could sell computers.
- How would we get the computers?
- We steal them right off
the truck in broad daylight.
- Pretty sure that idea is
illegal, Carl.
- No masks.
No disguises.
We just walk right up, take the computers
and no one knows a thing.
- You don't think the
people who own the computers
might suspect something?
- Not if we broke into the database
and changed the computer count.
- How would we do something like that?
We don't have that kind of expertise.
- We'd hire a master hacker.
- What would we pay him with?
- Computers.
We could become the largest
computer distributor
on the entire continent, Larry.
- I think you're thinking a
little too big here, Carl.
We need to think bigger...
- We could start a website.
Like that girl, Nicole,
whose life I saved.
- She did seem successful.
- From what I hear, she's
uncommonly successful.
- No.
I'll grab her number.
It's ringing.
- Yeah, talk to me.
- Hi, it's Carl.
- Carl.
Former NBA star, Karl Malone?
One of the greatest power
forwards of all time?
- Carl, from yesterday.
- Oh, hi Carl from yesterday.
How are you?
Thanks, again, for saving my life.
- You're welcome.
Hey, I was thinking, since you run
an awesome website for a living,
maybe you could help me and
my number one best friend
and awesome roommate, Larry,
start up a website.
We're in a little bit of a bind
and we could use some quick cash.
- Well, first of all, it takes time
to create a profitable website.
- And what's second of all?
- There is no second of all.
- Then why was there a first off all?
- It's unlikely that
you'll make a quick buck
from a website.
It takes time.
It could take a year or more.
- A year?
- Or more.
- What do you think about this idea?
Stealing computers and selling them
for a hundred percent profit.
- Oh Carl, you have such
a playful sense of humor.
I really appreciate you saving my life.
I feel so close to you.
I know you're already spoken for,
but if it doesn't work out,
maybe you'll ask me on a date?
- Maybe in some alternate reality...
- Maybe this, right here,
is an alternate reality
and in our actual reality we
are successful truck drivers
and we don't have to pay rent
because we live in our trucks.
Think about that.
- All I can think about is Nicole.
What if she's the one?
- Don't you think you're
forgetting someone?
- What does Stuffy have
to do with anything?
- I'm talking about your girlfriend.
- Oh, Veronica.
She's gonna be crushed when
I leave her for Nicole.
And as my very best friend,
you have to break the news to her.
- You two have so many
beautiful memories together.
Time at the street fair.
The vacation in Paris.
The road trip.
The night she surprised
you with dinner in bed.
She loves you.
Don't throw that away
for a flash in the pan.
- You're right, Larry.
What was I thinking?
How could I mistake some fleeting
attraction for true love?
Please don't tell Veronica.
- Carl,
I would never.
Well, time for my afternoon shower.
- Great move, Larry.
I'm gonna make a snack of toast and jam.
- That's it!
- What's it?
- I've thought of an idea for a website.,
a site for jam lovers city wide.
a site for jam lovers nationwide?
- Eh.
It's like, we'll cover all sorts of jam.
Raspberry, strawberry.
- Blueberry?
- Now you got it.
- We should spread, pun intended,
the good news.
- Yeah, I think this idea
really is gonna spread.
No pun intended.
- We are jam packed full of ideas.
Pun intended.
- That's a berry good pun.
No pun intended.
- I feel like that pun was intended.
- What the hell do you want?
- Great news, friend.
- I'm not your friend, doy-yoy.
- We figured out a way to make money,
so we'll definitely be able
to pay our rent on time.
- I just want my money.
I don't care how you idiots get it.
Now it's time for my online book club.
I have to go set up my new webcam,
I don't need no gratitude
That's just my attitude
I don't need no gratitude
That's just my attitude
Three points, oh yeah
Walking down the street
Snapping fingers to
the beat of my own drum
And my life has just begun
'Cause I'm back on the scene
And you know what I mean
I'm dancing in my dreams
'Cause you're right with me
- I'm surprised
the name,,
isn't already taken.
- Sweetie, didn't you boys check to see
if the domain name was taken?
- We didn't think of that.
- Well, you should
really check to be sure,
but I'd be really surprised
if it isn't already taken.
- Even if you come up with another name.
- Like,
- Yeah, like that.
- You kinda interrupted
my girlfriend there, Carl.
- Now you're interrupting me, Larry.
As I was saying,
even if you do come up with another name...
- Maybe's still available.
- You just did it again, Carl.
- I'm trying to think bigger-ish, Larry.
- I would really love
to finish this sentence.
- Go ahead.
- Do not touch my girlfriend.
- Look, even if you come
up with another name
or if the name isn't taken,
how does this idea make a quick buck?
A website about jam?
I assume your primary source of revenue
would be advertising.
It takes time to get advertisers.
- We would also maybe be selling jam.
- Would you be making the jam
or would you be buying it wholesale?
Either way, it's gonna cost money upfront
and you guys can't even make rent.
- That's why we're trying to make money.
- What you guys need is a
steady source of income.
- We don't mean to sound non-supportive.
It just seems like you two
haven't thought this idea
all the way through.
- Well, you do sound non-supportive,
so thanks for nothing.
Come on Carl, let's go.
- Don't tell me what to do, Larry,
but I will go with you
because I agree with you.
- Why don't you boys stay for dinner?
- Yeah, we can order pizza
and eat it on the stoop.
- I've lost my appetite.
- So have I.
- I can't believe
the lack of support
from our girlfriends.
- I know, both our girlfriends
were completely non-supportive.
Maybe I was right to
have a crisis about mine.
Maybe you were wrong to not
have a crisis about yours.
- Well, at least
we'll always have each other.
- I'm really grateful we're
number one best friends, Larry.
- I was just taking a break.
Getting a little shut mouth.
- Cool.
- What's up, fellas?
- Hello.
My name is Larry
and this is my best
friend and roommate, Carl.
Haven't seen you around.
Are you new in town?
- Just got in this morning
and drove all the way from Cali.
- That is a looooong drive.
- It's long enough.
Gives you time to think.
That's my motorcycle over there.
- Nice hog.
Nice wheels.
- You know about bikes?
- Not really.
- Neither do I.
- It's because you're not from California.
Everyone in California rides a bike.
My name's Johnny.
My full name's Jonathan Junior,
so some people call me J.J.,
but you guys can call me Johnny.
Trying to get away from
the whole J.J. thing.
- Carving out a new identity
on a new coast, huh?
- Something like that.
- Say, we were just about
to go inside and unwind
because we just got into huge
fights with our girlfriends.
You wanna come inside and join us
for some decaffeinated coffee?
- I don't see the point in decaf.
I'll take some almonds if you got any?
- So does your bike have a name?
- Bike Tyson, like the boxer.
- Funny you should mention boxing
because the landlord
of this very apartment
is not only a landlord,
but also a boxing promoter.
- I know.
He's my brother.
I don't particularly care for my brother.
We didn't even really grow up together,
except summers.
He's mean.
He's aggressive, he's judgmental,
but he's the only family I've got.
I found out a couple weeks ago
he suffers from an enlarged heart.
He could die
just like that.
So I decided to come back,
go into the family business
in a last-ditch effort to
salvage our rocky relationship
before he passes on.
Going into the family
business also makes sense,
from a financial perspective.
- Johnny, you seem like a super cool,
level-headed guy with
a flair for business.
Maybe you could give my best
friend and I some advice.
We need to make a quick buck.
Couple thousand quick
bucks, to be precise.
We need to pay our rent to your brother,
as it turns out.
We're thinking about
starting a website about jam.
Our girlfriends don't like the idea,
but what do you think?
- Let me sleep on it.
Meet me tomorrow for some coffee action
and I'll help you guys figure it out.
- That's great, Johnny.
I look forward to hearing your input
and becoming very, very
close friends with you.
- Beige.
- Johnny is such a great guy.
- If he's so great,
why don't you make him your
number one best friend?
- That's not what I mean't, Larry.
- He hasn't even helped us yet.
- "Yet" being the key word.
I'm sure he'll help us sort it out.
Just hold your horses.
- I literally am holding my horses.
- Gentlemen, I have figured it out.
I remembered, this morning,
that I have a friend who has
a raspberry farm upstate.
I called him and he's willing to donate
a hundred pounds of berries
to give your guys a little jumpstart.
- That's great.
- Yeah, real great.
We'll only sell one type of jam.
It's a good thing variety
is not the spice of life.
Oh wait, J.J., I just remembered,
variety is the spice of life.
- That's rude, Larry.
- I thought I told you to call me Johnny?
Not J.J.
- I guess I wasn't paying
attention to what you were saying
because I don't find you
that interesting or cool.
- Larry's usually a really nice guy.
- No, that's all right.
I'll just go hang by myself.
- I'm sorry Johnny, I got jealous
because Carl likes you so much
and you seem like a cool guy
and I thought he might make you
his new number one best friend.
But I've realized, true friends,
like Carl and I,
we don't hold each other back.
So I'd love it if the
three of us could become
extremely close.
Carl and I will remain best friends
and you'll be right here.
- Beige.
- What do you mean, beige?
- Whenever something is
cooler than cool, it's beige,
'cause beige is a super cool word.
Thank you.
Nothing like that first
sip of a fine roast.
- Say Johnny, not
to change the subject,
but I've been thinking.
- You are changing the
subject, but I don't mind.
- You seem like a really great guy
and I know this really great girl
and I think the two of
you might potentially
get along really well.
- You mean, like a setup?
Like a blind date?
- That's exactly what I mean.
I know what it's like to be new in town
without any friends.
- I also know and so does Stuffy.
- I don't think so.
- Why not?
- I love you, Johnny.
I'll always love you.
I'll never leave you.
- Tell us, Johnny, what is it?
- Come on, Johnny,
we're all friends here.
- I have emotional...
problems, okay?
What badasses do
is the price you pay
for being a cool dude.
- Right, but being a cool
dude must be awesome.
- Being cool is usually pretty beige,
but with women I have trust issues.
- Your brother indicated he
also doesn't trust women.
- Well, he didn't indicate it, Larry.
He flat out said it.
- Excuse me, Carl.
I'm sorry if I didn't
memorize the conversation
and repeat it back verbatim.
My point is, maybe a lack
of trust towards women
runs in the family.
- Or, maybe his trust issues stem
from his own personal experiences.
- Or, maybe he's just attracted
to the wrong kind of woman.
- Johnny, if you're truly
committed to seeing results
and working on your trust issues,
then you should give it a
shot with my friend, Nicole.
She's a great girl
and if I weren't already
in a relationship,
I would have asked her out on a date.
- I don't want your sloppy seconds.
- Now hold on there, Johnny.
My best friend Carl, here,
was a perfect gentleman.
He never once touched her,
aside from when he
pulled her from the ocean
to save her from drowning.
- Maybe I can save you from drowning too.
- All right, I'll give it a shot.
- What is that?
A piece of string around your neck?
What are you, a Texan?
Is that a bolo tie?
Why don't you wear a thick
tie, like a real man?
I brought you here to assist
with the family business,
not to go to some late night parties.
I need you to do some
office work D Properties
and I also need you to find an undercard
for the upcoming fight I'm promoting.
Your hair is too long.
You're gonna need a haircut
before you meet up with clients.
- What is this, Dominic?
- What?
- Why do you let the
cereal get soggy like this.
It's disgusting.
- I like the mushy consistency.
- This is why your wife left you.
- This is not why my wife left me.
My wife left me because
I'm mean and I hate women.
- You're mean and you hate women
because your wife left you.
- You bastard.
That was part of a set.
Where are you going?
- I'm going out!
I'm not 74 thousand years old like you
and I don't need 18 thousand
hours of sleep every night.
- Yeah well, we'll see how
many tens of thousands of hours
of sleep you need when you
are 74 thousand years old.
- You think there
are some people on talk radio
who are troubled by...
- Well, of course
you do invite people to call
and you treat them rude.
Anybody can call somebody a
name and hang up on them and...
- That, Mr. Lasseter?
You're not familiar with that?
- I have not had...
- Nicole?
- Johnny.
- I like your nails.
Sorry I'm late.
My brother.
Makes me so mad sometimes.
- Tell me what happened.
- You're so supportive.
- I feel safe with you.
- What if you stop loving me?
Then what?
- Don't say that.
- Why not?
It's what happened with
my last girlfriend.
- I'm not her.
I'll never be her, Johnny.
I can't tell if you like me.
- I read that girls like you more
when they can't tell if
you like them or not.
- Let's just be honest with each other.
Can you tell me what
you're thinking right now?
- I can show you.
- Why are you so far away?
I wanna have your babies.
Oh, Jonathan.
What's wrong?
- Jonathan was my father's name.
- I don't even know your father.
- That's 'cause he's dead
and you utter his name
during our first ever kiss.
- Damn it, Johnny.
It was after our first ever kiss
and I was simply, in the moment,
moaning your full name.
- My full name is Jonathan Junior.
- You're being impossible.
I was just trying to say your full name.
Couples always do that during passionate...
- So we're a couple now?
- Well, I thought that...
- You thought what, exactly?
- Au Revoir?
- I'm sorry, we don't speak French.
- I see your woman,
she's having tears in her eyes.
- She's fine.
- Would you care to order?
Perhaps an Hors d'oeuvre?
- I'm going to the bar.
Hi, can I have a house whiskey, please?
- I was merely...
- Thanks for taking care of my girl.
Can we have a moment?
- Of course.
- I'm sorry for being such a jerk.
My last relationship was really volatile.
Was volcanic, even,
and I think it left me scared.
But I wanna change
and I wanna change with you.
I consider you, not only my lover,
but also my best friend.
I'm sorry for ruining
what should have been
a wonderful first date
and I don't want it to be our last.
- I, I, I, I.
You are so self-absorbed.
Please, just take me home.
When I talk to you
I feel your sadness
When you look at me
Your eyes go red
When the sun goes down
Inside the blue
Fall out of the sky
Laying, now, beside you
Falling now
- Hey, how was the big date?
- Awful.
There's something wrong with me.
- There's nothing wrong with you, bro.
Women are tricky and mean.
- This one is nice.
I blew it.
I blew it.
I tried to tell Larry and Carl
about my problems with women.
They didn't believe me.
- Yeah, those idiots are no good.
I bet those clowns set
you up on a bad date
just to make you look like a fool.
I hate those bird's brains.
- I do feel like a fool.
- I know how we can teach
those twerps a lesson.
- I'm really glad we're roommates
because if we weren't,
I would be very sad.
- Very sad?
I would be so depressed, I
wouldn't be able to walk.
Not even to come visit you.
- So you would never visit
me if we weren't roommates?
Thanks a lot, Carl.
- Of course I would visit you, Larry.
I would hire a muscular person
to carry me over to your
apartment every single day.
- On your way to my
apartment you'd pass me
being carried to your apartment.
- I was just getting a little shut mouth.
- Very cool.
- Now let's hang up that sign.
- Hello, friends.
- Welcome, friend.
- How was the big date?
- It was fine.
- Just fine?
- It was marvelous.
My trust issues and baggage
with women in checkered past,
didn't get in the way at all.
- That's great.
It sounds like you're cured.
- We're all out of almonds
because they're very expensive
and we haven't been able
to replenish our supply
since we're pretty short on cash.
But would you like a glass of water?
- I can't stay long.
- So tell us about the big date.
- You know, I'm kind of tired.
I don't really feel like talking about it.
- Then why'd you swing by?
I mean, not that you can't
stop by for no reason at all.
- Or for a specific reason.
- I have a way for you
guys to make some money.
All you have to do
is box on the undercard of a
fight my brother's promoting.
Okay, the fight's in three days.
It pays two grand a piece.
That's two month's rent.
- Great!
Who do Carl and I have to box against?
- You box against each other.
- I don't know.
Carl's my number one best friend
and I'd rather not get
into a fist fight with him.
- Larry's my number one best friend
and I'd rather not get
into a fist fight with him.
- I just said that, Carl.
- I know that, Larry, I was
just echoing your sentiment.
Entiment, entiment.
- Listen, you guys. is not happening.
Okay, we all know that
and my bro needs and undercard.
So let me bottom line it for you.
You get in the ring,
you throw a few punches,
you make two grand a piece.
What do you say?
- We'll think about it.
- We'll strongly consider it.
We'll bottom line it for you tomorrow.
- It's all I ask.
- Foul, foul.
That's a foul, Larry.
- Running around, playing sports.
- You know that's a foul.
- It's exhausting.
We should cool down with some ice cream.
- Eating ice cream will be
counterproductive, Larry.
We should be training for our big match.
- If we both don't train,
it'll even itself out.
We get paid either way
and we should cool down
with some ice cream.
- But ice cream is full of saturated fat.
- But ice cream is a great way
to relax after some exercise.
- Bottom line, we shouldn't
be eating ice cream
when we need to be in the
best shape of our lives.
We should be drinking protein shakes.
- I don't understand
why you're suddenly so
serious about boxing.
- I'm not suddenly so
serious about boxing, Larry.
I just think we should train
so we don't get tired during the fight.
- Well I don't feel like training
and I don't care for protein shakes.
I'm going to get some ice cream.
You can train by yourself.
- Hey, Johnny.
How's things with Nicole?
- You know, I'm really not that into her.
Hey, I have a proposal
I'd like to make you.
Carl, I admire and respect your passion
for the sport of boxing.
You got heart.
You got guts
and I'd be honored if you'd allow me
to be your personal trainer.
- I don't know, Johnny.
- Carl, boxing is a business.
You have to train properly
if you wanna beat Larry.
- Yeah, but I don't wanna...
- Carl, you might even
have a career as a boxer.
And if you and I train together,
it might be an excellent opportunity
for us to become extremely close.
- I agree with you.
We could become very close
if I allow you to train me,
but I don't wanna upset Larry.
He is my number one best friend
and he's already on edge
about things between us.
- Where is Larry?
Right, he's eating ice cream.
- Okay, I'll allow you to train me,
but with one stipulation.
Larry remains my number one best friend.
- Understood.
- Great training sesh.
- It sure was, Johnny.
Thanks man.
Whoa, Larry.
What's up, man?
I just had a great training sesh.
I thought you'd be asleep by now.
- It's tough to fall asleep when you eat
an entire tub of ice cream by yourself.
- Yeah, all that sugar will
definitely keep you up at night.
Speaking of which,
you sure have been a big
fan of ice cream lately.
- Well, my best friend ditched
me for his new best friend
and my pet doesn't even have a brain,
so ice cream seemed like a pretty decent...
- I gotta rinse off, man.
I just had a great
training sesh with Johnny.
- You're not even listening to me, Carl.
- I promise you, Larry, I
am listening to you, buddy,
but I gotta rinse off.
It was a great training sesh.
The best training sesh.
Just give me two seconds.
I'll come back, I promise.
Let me just power down.
Be right back.
- I don't understand why you need to get
an arm full of tattoos.
- Well, first of all, when
you cover your arm in tattoos,
it's called a sleeve.
Not an arm full of tattoos.
And secondly, even though
we're best friends,
I still wanna look tough
for our boxing match.
- To impress Johnny?
- Not just to impress Johnny,
but to be beige in general.
- Beige.
What're you even gonna
get to fill up your arm?
I mean, you could get some
sort of fireworks display.
- There's no way that
the magic of fireworks
can be conveyed on an arm.
You'd need, at least, an entire back.
This might be totally random,
but I could see, someday,
getting a companion back piece.
- That's not random at all, Carl.
It's completely on topic.
- Enough chitchat, Larry.
It's tattoo time.
Come on!
- What?
- What?
- You, bonehead, come on.
I don't have all day.
What do you want?
- I'm here to receive a sleeve.
An arm full of tattoos.
- Okay, have you ever
been tattooed before?
- Nope, this is my first.
I'm Carl and that's my
very best friend, Larry.
He's here for moral support.
- Well, my name is Skulls.
I'm 31 years young and I run this joint.
I inherited it from my
old man when he kicked,
back when I was some
young twenty-something
year old stupid punk.
Tattoos have become more mainstream, Carl,
and I don't like it.
Used to be, people used to just get
their eyebrows pierced and call it a day,
but I'm not one to turn
away any business, am I?
Got a kid to feed and bills to pay,
just like everybody else.
- I hear that.
- But I gotta ask you, full sleeve, huh?
Why don't you start
with something smaller?
- No, that's okay.
I think I'm gonna go with the sleeve
and you could draw whatever you want.
A dragon, maybe a Japanese saying,
maybe a sexy woman in a
bikini or fire hydrant.
I just wanna look tough, like you.
- I earned these tats.
They reflect my inner being.
Seriously, Carl, this is a big decision.
Tattoos are forever, man.
- Like friendship.
- No, not necessarily like friendship.
- How do you mean?
- Friendship tends to change.
It can shift, right?
Okay, when I was in college,
my best friend, her name was Charlene.
We called her Charlie.
We were really tight.
We used to smoke weed everyday.
She was my roommate.
One time, this stupid
frat guy made up a rumor
that we were dykes, so we
totally kicked his ass.
That was a trip, actually.
But then, Charlene just
turned into this mega bitch
and things just weren't
the same after that.
I haven't spoken with
her in over ten years.
- That is a really heart-wrenching story.
I'd love to hear her side of it.
Girl relationships are really different
than guy relationships.
So I'm certain that what happened to you
would never happen to Larry and me.
- Actually, Skulls, Carl
is somewhat mistaken.
He and I have begun to grow apart,
ever since he started
spending a lot of time
with a mysterious badass named Johnny.
- Is Johnny coming?
- Okay, see, this is what
I'm talking about, right?
Friendships are not forever,
necessarily, but tattoos are.
Yes, technically Carl,
you can get them lasered
off, but it causes...
- Cool.
- Focus, Carl, Jesus.
Do you want a full sleeve or not, man?
Come on.
- Well, I'm a little less certain
than when I first entered your parlor,
but yeah, I want the sleeve
and put it on my right arm
because I'm a righty.
And, you know what, I'll take whatever
this crisp ten dollar bill will get me.
- Can I speak with you for a moment, Carl?
- Go for it.
- In private.
You don't need an arm full of tattoos.
- A sleeve.
- You know what, Carl?
I've had it with you.
- So, are we gonna hang
at your house later?
- Sure.
- Okay, we should get some beer.
Oh my god, there's that guy.
- He's looking over here.
- Should I go talk to him?
I'll catch you guys later.
Nice bike.
You got a ciggy?
- I don't smoke.
- That's surprising.
You look like a smoker.
- Go buy yourself a pack, on me.
My name's Johnny.
- Thanks, Johnny.
You're a true gentleman.
I'm Lisa.
People call me 'Sa, for short.
- Is that spelled, apostrophe "Sa?"
- Yeah.
- Hey Johnny.
I almost ordered a pizza
for lunch, but I resisted.
I had a protein shake instead.
- Beige.
Let's go train.
- I love pipping hot pizza.
- So do I, Carl.
So do I.
Gotta stretch out these
limbs, Carl, all right?
It's the only way for you to stay limber.
It'll help you move
around quick in the ring
and when you see an opening,
you pop Larry right in the jaw.
- Actually, Larry and I have an agreement.
Nothing above the shoulders
and nothing below the upper stomach.
- So what, you're just gonna stand there
and punch each other in the chest?
- Or the hand.
- You're not gonna punch
him in the hand, Carl.
Boxing is a sport.
Okay, Larry will understand
that when you're in the ring.
You know, it's his fault
if he wants to loaf around
all day eating ice cream.
You're working hard.
You're out here training.
You're eating complex carbohydrates.
We both want pizza right now, right?
We're not eating it.
We're eating this wholegrain bread.
- Johnny, I appreciate you taking the time
and teaching me a few tricks of the trade
and I feel like we're
becoming very close friends.
- Maybe even best friends.
- Maybe.
- Yo, Larry.
Larry, what's up?
Another great training sesh.
Oh, he's ignoring us.
- I'm not ignoring you.
I was just getting a little shut mouth.
- He's been so touchy lately.
- Gee, I wonder why.
Do you wonder why, Stuffy?
No, because you're not stupid.
- No, because he's a stuffed animal.
- Yeah, because you're
afraid of real animals.
- I'm not afraid.
I'm allergic.
- Same difference.
- Not same difference at all, Larry.
- Ready for the big fight, Larry?
- More than ready.
- Doesn't seem like you've
been doing much training.
- You don't know what I do when I'm alone.
- What do you do when you're alone?
- Wouldn't you like to know.
- I'm pretty sure I do know.
- And what is it you think I do?
- The evidence is right
there, on the table.
- What you call evidence,
I call a snack filled of vitamin D,
which builds strong bones.
- A protein shake would be healthier,
but you're not the kind of guy
who cares about your health, are you?
- What's that supposed to mean?
- It means what it means.
- What's "it means what it
means" supposed to mean?
- It means what it means.
What it means, what it
means, what it means,
what it means.
- It means nothing.
- What it means.
- Means nothing.
- What it means.
- Means nothing.
- Means, means,
- Means nothing.
- Means, means!
- Nothing!
- I'm gonna fix myself a protein shake
to help replenish my system.
- Good idea, Carl.
- You want one, Larry?
- No thanks, I already have a drink.
- Coffee at this hour.
You'll be up all night, Larry.
- So what, I do my best
thinking after midnight.
- You know, you should take
a page out of Carl's book
and replenish your system
with a protein shake.
Carl's been working hard.
He's the first guy in
the gym every morning.
The last guy to go home.
- So what, so am I.
- I've never seen him there.
- I'm going for a walk.
- Larry.
If you're going out, can
you pick up my dry cleaning?
I'm staying at Johnny's tonight.
You can just hang the D.C. in my room,
whenever you get back.
Awesome, thanks pal.
I'll reimburse you.
I'm not afraid of animals.
- Your are afraid of animals.
- Hey man, let me get a dollar.
Trying to get a bite to eat.
Trying to catch a bus.
- I feel like I've lost my best friend.
All he cares about, these
days, is training with Johnny.
Carl's being such a jerk.
- Carl is being a jerk.
What about you, Larry?
When you started off by saying
you felt like you lost your best friend,
I thought you were talking about me,
but no, you were talking about Carl.
- Carl is my best friend
and you're my girlfriend.
- You don't care about me.
We haven't seen each other in forever.
You're not even standing next to me.
- I've been training for my boxing match.
- From what I hear, you
haven't been training at all.
- Training is 95 percent mental.
- Look, Larry,
I love you, but I'm
allowed to be mad at you.
- I don't understand why you're mad.
I'm just trying to earn
money to pay the rent.
I don't wanna wind up
like some street punk
asking for a dollar to get
some food or catch the bus.
- I'm sleepy.
I'm going to take a snooze.
- I was just in the back, taking a snooze.
Let me give you some advice, Larry.
A woman likes to feel understood.
You're not being very understanding.
- I appreciate your attempt
to moderate our discussion,
and it is a discussion, not an argument,
but I don't think you're helping.
In fact, I think you're biased.
I'm sorry, I'm just upset
about this whole Carl thing.
You guys are coming to
the boxing match, right?
- I guess you'll just
have to wait and see.
- Yeah, Larry, after not
talking to me for three days,
suddenly you care if I
come to your boxing match.
- Ladies and gentlemen, welcome
to tonight's boxing match.
Before we get to tonight's main event,
D Properties is proud to
present the undercard.
Introducing first, out of the red corner,
this man holds a
professional boxing record
of zero and zero,
And in the blue corner, with
a professional boxing record
of zero and zero,
I'd like to add that I hope
to become close friends
with both boxers after tonight's fight.
- All right, keep it clean in here.
Nothing below the belt.
- Or above the shoulders.
- Above the shoulders is okay.
Just tap it out.
- Remember what we talked about.
Come out strong.
- Ow!
What was that for?
- A massive right from Carl.
- I'm trying to box you, Larry.
- We don't have to box each other.
We get paid either way.
- I know that, but I figured
if we are gonna fight,
we might as well do a good job.
- You know, I didn't realize
it was worth it to you
to hurt your best friend
in order to be good at a sport
you never even cared about
until three days ago.
- Both boxers playing the waiting game.
- I guess, now that
Jonny's in the picture,
I'm no longer your best friend.
- Fight, you idiots!
- Larry, you know that's not true.
- Sure feels that way.
You slept at his house last night.
You guys are basically roommates now.
- And I'd have to give that round to Carl
for landing every single
one of his punches.
Or should I say, every
single one of his punch?
- How was that, Carl?
You came out strong, like we talked about,
but you didn't follow through at all.
You gotta pounce.
You understand?
- It's the start of the second round
and Larry looks like he's got
a hankering for hydration.
Carl, removing his mouthguard.
- Where's your mouthguard, Larry?
- An unorthodox
move by the non veteran.
- I forgot to get one.
- Do something all ready.
- Also, I didn't think
you'd be punching me
in the side of the head.
- Boo!
- You look parched.
Did you even bring a water bottle?
- I thought there'd be a water fountain.
- In the corner of the ring?
Come on, Larry.
- Sorry, I'm not a
professional boxer like you.
So excuse me if I don't know
the exact layout of a boxing ring.
- Do something!
- Come on, let's get you rehydrated.
- When's the real fight start?
- Larry, here, is parched and
could use a squirt of water.
- You guys need to fight, all right?
That was the agreement.
You can't just stand there,
talking to each other.
Put that glove back on, Larry.
- I'd appreciate it if you gave
my T.B.F. a squirt of water.
T.B.F. stands for "thirsty best friend."
- T.F.B.F., "thirsty former best friend."
- Take it back, Larry.
- No.
- Take it back, immediately.
- No.
- The fight has slowed to a crawl.
Both men illustrating the old adage
that boxing is all about patience.
- Carl!
- Larry!
- Hey, Stuffy!
- Hello.
- Hey, who needs him?
He doesn't appreciate you.
Not like I do.
Now go in there and knock his ass out.
- Boo!
- I've been thinking a lot, Carl,
I miss you.
Miss hanging out.
Wow, sure is toasty in here.
- You probably have a fever.
- Break it up.
- I'm sorry my friendship
with Johnny made you jealous.
I just got excited with
someone new and different.
I got carried away.
Will you take me back as
your number one best friend?
- Of course I will.
- Okay, break it up.
- Boo!
- This doesn't mean all is forgiven.
I'm still upset.
- I need you to be the
bigger man here, Larry.
I need you to forgive and forget.
- I can forgive and I can forget,
but I can't forgive and forget.
- That's not fair.
I apologized.
And if we truly are best
friends, that should be enough.
- Now, we're even.
- Now, we're even.
- This is a massacre.
The referee's gonna
have to call the fight.
- Finish him!
- A bop on the shoulder from Larry
and that is the first time
Carl has ever been wounded.
And a surprise second wind from Larry.
- Yeah!
- Keep your hands up.
- Now, that's
what I call a low blow.
A furious exchange between
these two pounding pummelers.
Ladies and gentleman, pure
anarchy has erupted here tonight.
Forget about coaching, folks.
Forget about technique.
This is a street brawl.
Larry and Carl are beating
the living daylights out of each other,
as if there's no tomorrow.
And you know what, maybe there isn't.
As the old saying goes,
"just because the sun rose
yesterday morning, doesn't me..."
Uh oh.
- He's dead.
- I'm not dead, you idiot!
- Dominic?
- Come on in.
- Your cut from the fight.
- Oh, it's just a few scrapes.
- Is Carl around?
- He's at the park with the girls.
I'm sorry for your loss, Johnny.
- His last words were,
"I'm not dead, you idiot."
- Why don't you have a seat?
- I owe you an apology, Larry.
When I set up the undercard for the fight,
I was really mad about
the date with Nicole.
- If you'll recall,
Carl only said you two
might potentially get along.
- Yeah, but I was still mad
and I think I wanted to
break up your friendship.
- I was out for revenge
and revenge is never the right move.
And the worst thing about it
is that I really would
like to be best friends
with both of you.
What do you say, Larry?
- That'd be beige.
That'd be real beige.
- I should go.
I need to finish clearing
out my brother's stuff.
- Or we could go meet
everybody at the park.
Now I know
What's on my way
You made my world
The perfect place
- Hey guys.
- Hi Johnny.
How are you?
- I'm starting to feel
a little better, thanks.
- Oh, yeah!
- 'Sa!
- Hey Johnny.
- Hey.
- She seems nice.
- What're you doing here, Johnny?
- Just hanging out with some friends.
What're you doing here?
- I'm taking a break with a few coworkers.
I work catering on weekends.
- What about the weekdays?
What do you do then?
- I'm studying Chinese medicine.
- Oh, that's funny 'cause
"Lisa" is an anagram from "ails."
Like, the cure for what ails you.
- Thanks.
Maybe we should hang
out sometime on purpose.
- I should tell you,
I just got out of an intense relationship.
- That's okay, Johnny.
We can take it slow.
- You two sure did jam
in that boxing ring.
- I love jam.
- I know you do, Larry.
- He also loves pizza, which I also love.
Too bad it's impossible
to get a pizza in a park.
- Define impossible.
- You mind if I take a peek inside?
Larry, get in here.
How about we pair this pizza
with some Vino.
- But we can't drink any alcohol.
- Why not?
- Because we're both pregnant.
- Five second rule.
What did we miss?
- Carl, you're my best friend
and I'd like you to be
my child's godfather.
- And you're my best friend
and I'd like you to be
my child's godfather.
- I just said that.
- I'm not finished, Larry.
Much like you and I are
number one best friends,
our children will be
number one best friends
and their children will be
number one best friends.
And so on and so forth forever, always,
until the end of time.
- Why are you crying, Johnny?
- Because I'm so happy.
- Why would you cry if you're happy?
Now that it's over
You can sleep the whole night through
Wake up and do what's good for you
Work until you can't remember
Everything that bothers you
That I do
And when the summer rain
Comes down
You'll try to keep it from the ground
I don't doubt that you were right
Every time we had a fight
Over whether I need therapy
But you keep everything to yourself
You don't share with no one else
And it's killing me
When the summer rain
Comes down
You'll try to gather up the sound
So now it's over
We can finally get some rest
After all this work
And I'll wish you sweeter dreams
Than you ever had with me
Next to you
But I won't say it wasn't worth it