When Do We Eat (2005) Movie Script
- God's a fairy tale.
- God's real, dude,
and for forty bucks you can meet
Him.
- Ecstacy costs twenty.
- Not Touch-God X, man.
It's got acid in it.
- No.
Just the eighth of bud and a bag
of whizz.
- You're missing out Stuckman.
- Hold on.
Hey, mom.
- Zeke, why are you answering?
I was going to leave a message.
- I'm in study hall, Mom.
- I hear the
lawnmower.
- I'm sitting near a window!
- Zeke, where are you?
Don't lie.
- Mom, what do you want?
- I want you to go to the
supermarket
on your way home, and get
me two boxes of matzo.
- No way, not on Passover!
- I just need one box for my
mom!
Mom, I don't have any money.
- Come home first.
- Mom!
- Zeke, don't play with me.
I've got too much going on here.
- What?
Mom?
You are cutting out here.
I&hear you.
Call me back later.
I hate Passover.
- Why man?
Saders are cool.
- You know what?
Give me one of those tabs.
I'm going to need it.
Zeke Stuckman.
Dropping X at Sader.
- Dude, my mom is just
the tip of the iceberg.
- What is it, Peg?
- No matzo, no
seder, Ira.
- Have Zeke get it.
- I can't reach him.
I think I caught him skipping
class again.
- Oh Christ.
- Is that antacid?
- No, it's just reflex, Peg.
- What if it isn't Ira?
- It is.
- Now that, that's a Chubby
Santa.
- Thank you Mr. Stuckman.
- Bye Peg.
- No wait.
Ira, what about the matzo, can
you get it?
- Mr. Stuckman?
- Have his lordship get it.
It's not like he's so busy.
- Ira, you will not pick on
Ethan tonight.
- No, Peg, no.
I promise you'll all be
amazed how I treat him.
Also I'll get you your matzo,
okay?
Bye bye.
- Don't ask Nicole, she doesn't
know
from matzo.
- Mr. Stuckman sir.
- What's there to
know?
- It has to be kosher.
- All matzo's kosher.
- Kosher for Passover.
- Oh, gee, what the hell?
- Mr. Stuckman, I'm sorry,
the alarm's not inside yet.
I have to reconfigure
for the chubby Santa.
- I need a prototype today, not
slop.
- But it's only April.
- Ira!
- Don't tell me it's only April.
- Ira.
- I have been in this Christmas
business for 30 years.
Design delay equals production
delay.
- That's $10,000 a
day.
You get that?
- Ira please.
- What!?
- I have pots boiling, men
working.
I have to make calls
for the Autsim Society
and I want Kosher matzo.
- The matzo will be there.
- And get it yourself.
Nicole is working.
- Now, I'm gonna unbutton your
shirt.
- I should do sensate focus?
- Yes you should.
- Right.
You're touching my collar.
- Yes.
- I feel heat in my lap.
- Uh-huh, very good.
- Unbuttoning my top button.
- Yes I am.
- You are unbottoning my second
button.
- Yes.
- Oh sorry.
- No, that's excellent.
- Really?
- Next week we're gonna make it
to
the fourth button.
- Nikki, you're a goddess.
- Well, okay, I want you to
clean up.
I am going to go freshen up.
When I get back, we're gonna
review
todays session.
- Yes.
- Nikki's place.
She'll make a man out
of you, I guarantee it.
- She there?
This is her father.
- Oh, there's no Nikki here.
- Son, I know what my daughter
does for a living.
- Okay, it's okay.
No, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
Just relax.
You're perfect, it's great.
- Hello?
- Hey, Princess.
You should have that guy put a
testimonial
on your website.
- Yeah, yeah, I will, as soon as
he gets
over the shock of an approving
father.
Are you okay?
How's the reflux?
- Zeke is driving me nuts.
Your mother thinks he skipped
class.
- Well Dad, she's just paranoid.
Is that really what's bothering
you?
- The new Christmas ornament
just blew up.
- Dad, you are nervous about
Ethan.
- What should I be nervous about
Ethan?
I'm the one offering that bum a
lifeline.
- Okay, Dad, you're
going to have to show him
the new you or he's never
gonna take that job.
- He needs a new him more
than I need a new me.
Honey, can you make a
stop on your way over?
- Dad, if I do, I'll be late.
- Right.
That will get her started.
All right, not to worry.
Big kiss, love you.
- Muscle Beach.
- Hey, Pop, are you
winning?
- Winning is for cheaters.
- Pop, I need a favor.
Can you get some matzo for
Peggy?
- It is already Passover!
They will double the price!
- Yeah, I will pay you back,
Pop.
- You should have planned ahead,
Ira.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
I didn't.
- You got to have a plan.
Or what happens when
they poison the water,
and you don't have a gas mask?
- What are you talking about?
That doesn't make any sense.
- Sense?
Did it make sense when the Nazis
said,
"You look dirty, you
should take a shower."
"Use a lot of soap.
don't forget your towel."
- Never mind, Pop.
I will call Jen.
- Men who love women who would
rather
check their email, when we
return.
- Stuckman.
- Jen, this is your father.
- Dad, we will be on time, okay?
- Listen, I need you
to pick up some matzo.
- Oh, really. First Seder in
three years
and your wife forgot the matzo?
- Please?
Come on, I am trying to make
this work.
- Why don't you get one of
your real kids to get it?
- That is not fair.
- Every store is going
to be sold out already!
- I am sure you can find one
box.
- The commercial is
ending, Dad, I got to work.
- Jen, we are counting on you!
- How long have you known Amy?
Because as I understand it
this was a passionate marriage
before
email entered the picture.
- Room six.
- Do you love me so much?
- What is wrong?
- I just want you to know that I
completely missed lunch today.
And when I finally found
these last two boxes,
this old lady, she comes
up to me and she says,
"Excuse me.
I need those for Passover."
And so I said, "So do I, sugar."
And she goes, "This is
the bread of affliction,
my dear, we don't eat it with
sugar."
- Oh, my God.
- What is wrong?
- How long have we been
together?
That is your best Jewish?
- Ira, no.
I love how I look in this
picture.
Put your father's picture
somewhere else.
- On Passover, my father's
picture goes here.
- This is not your house,
Ira, it is our house,
and certainly not your father's.
- Since when are you paying the
mortgage?
- I pay, I pay.
- Behold, the new me remains
clam.
- Absolutely not.
If it has to go some place&
- Peg, it is your daughter.
- Well, that's is your son.
- Yeah, yeah,
you always say that.
- Once we get in there,
there's no turning back.
This is our last chance.
- All right, all
right.
Zeke.
- Well, it is
temporary.
- Jennifer.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
Peggy.
How is every little thing?
- Hey, Jen.
- Hi, Dad.
So, this is Grace.
- Hi.
We brought the matzo.
- We dropped it, but you don't
need all
the pieces intact, do you,
Peggy?
- Well, it is preferable, dear.
We didn't expect you so early.
- Come on in.
- Actually, we are right on
time.
- And so are we.
So are we.
So are we.
- Hi!
- There is
one of the half brothers,
and this is Grandpa!
- Not kosher for Passover.
- Since when do we give a crap?
- Excuse us.
Come on.
- Let go of the boy!
- Let go of me!
- You first!
- I heard you skipped class.
- That is a lie!
- You moved the picture of your
brothers and sister for a pizza?
- It is not just for a pizza.
- It is a better spot, Pop.
Come on, go inside.
Go ahead.
- I love that picture.
- You, hey, move it.
Come on, move it.
- The table is not even set yet.
When do we eat?
- We are doing everything
differently this year.
Come see.
- That is too bad, because
last time we all got together,
it was such a treat.
- My reflux is starting up
again, Zeke.
don't test me.
Were you hanging out with
your druggie friends?
- No. Are you sure it is your
reflux, because your doctor&?
- It is reflux!
Why are you changing the
subject?
- Because I don't want you to
die!
Dad, I didn't skip class today.
Now, do you want a sample or
not?
I got stage fright.
- Yeah go ahead.
- Lionel!
I got a lot this time.
There.
And the top one is the best!
Seven sevens!
- Seven here.
Seven.
Seven here.
- It is an authentic Passover
lamb
on a spit, just like Moses had.
- It smells delicious.
- It smells like impaled baby
sheep.
- I don't have to hope,
I know it will turn blue.
- Justin, Justin, who is
the senior publicist here?
- Whoa, you look hot!
- I don't care that it is
synthetic.
It looks like an animal product!
Hello! It is a leopard print!
No, Justin, she is not
going to wear a black suit!
She got botox for this,
and she is going to
wear something that shows her
tits!
- Hey, princess, how are you?
- Hi!
- It turned blue, you are clear.
- I told you!
- You are the master of all
galaxies!
- Grandpa, this is level one.
- Hi.
- Nikki.
- Lionel.
How are you?
- Hey, give me a hug. I want to
feel your
new boobs on the back of my
neck.
- Can it, Zeke.
- Dad, he should not
direct that energy at me,
but it is perfectly normal.
- Zeke, do you masturbate
regularly?
- What?
Nikki!
- It is very important
boys his age masturbate
regularly and not feel guilty
about it.
- Jen, hi!
- Hi!
- Happy Passover!
How are you?
- This must be Grace.
Hi.
- And I brought the matzo.
You must be Nikki.
- Enchanted.
It is so great to finally
see Jen in a relationship.
Look at you two!
Listen, if you guys ever
have bed death issues
I can get the Better Sex
series, Lesbian edition.
It is half price.
Very hot girl on girl action.
- Oh, well, see, thanks, but we
prefer
woman on woman action Nikki.
- Me, too, sis.
Get me one of those tapes.
- Well, this zit you
met at the door is Zeke,
and this is Lionel.
- Lionel is an idiot savant.
- Really?
- He is not an idiot savant.
- We aren't exactly sure what
his special talent is but
I think it has something to
do with the number seven.
- No!
- What?
- We will be eating dinner soon.
- When?
His lordship is late.
Nikki and I are starving.
- This hasn't been koshered.
- Since when are we kosher?
- Yeah, since when?
- Since I said so.
- don't worry, Princess.
I run the world's fastest Seder.
- The world's fastest Seder.
I should live so long!
- What is that?
- Oh, Ethan!
It is Ethan!
- Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu
Melech
ha'olem asher kidshanu
bemitzvotav
vitzivanu likboa mezuzah.
- Are you out of your fucking
mind?
- Your mezuzah was no good.
I got you a kosher scroll.
Happy Passover, Papa!
Hello, Ma.
- Hi!
- Nikki.
- Ethan.
Now you are going for
the whole get-up, huh?
- The Rebbe says, "Look
righteous, feel righteous."
Jen.
- Hi, Ethan.
So, this is Grace.
- A.k.a. the matzo bearer.
- Sorry, I can't touch a
woman unless she is related.
- What, is that like a rule or
something?
That is so rude.
- Yeah, not to mention
arbitrary.
- Leave him alone, he's a good
Jew.
- And what, I am a bad Jew?
- Ethan!
- Grandpa!
- Oh, that is a beautiful hat.
But why do you got to look so
Jewish?
When the Nazis come,
they're going to take
the black-hats first.
- You got a hell of a nerve
pounding nails into my house.
- Dad, the mezuzah will
protect your body and soul
twenty-four seven, free of
charge.
Mom?
- Yes?
- Did you get the paper plates?
- Paper plates, in my house?
Let me show you what I did.
- Hold it, hold it.
You think because some Moonie
Rebbe
tells you to put on a Hasid suit
you can take a hammer to my
house
and tell me to relax?
Hey Ethan.
You haven't learned a goddamn
thing
since our last Seder.
There is no product, Ethan!
You are going to be in
the toilet in six months!
- That is old economy thinking,
Dad!
I made more money last month
than
you made in your entire life!
I don't need your dinosaur
advice!
- Excuse me, you son of a bitch?
- Oh, now you are going
to call Mom a bitch?
- Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!
- Dad!
I just hope you have learned not
to
smash the Seder plate, Dad.
It is the holiest object
in the Jewish home.
- don't start with me, Ethan.
You got religious because
you lost all your money.
Maybe this Hasid crap works
in bankruptcy court, huh?
- Ira, you promised.
- Yes, I did, Peg.
Yes, I did.
I got news for you, Ethan.
Your life is about to change.
Starting tomorrow&
- Mrs. Shtuckman?
- Yes?
- Mrs. Shtuckman, tent is ready.
- Oh, fantastic!
- Wait, wait.
And who the hell are you?
- Rafi.
- Rafi, this is my son, Ethan.
He is a good Jew.
- Sorry?
Oh, I don't speak Hebrew.
- Very interesting to meet you.
Mrs. Shtuckman&
- I am Mr. Shtuckman.
I mean, Stuckman.
You better scram.
You are going to be
late for your own Seder.
- No, no Seder.
I not religious.
- Smart Jew.
Bye bye.
- Ira, shush.
- don't shush me in front of the
help.
- Dad, you should get that
checked out.
Mom, is Vanessa inside?
- She is out back.
You made such a beautiful tent.
Why don't you just stay
and have dinner with us?
- I really grateful, Mrs.
Shtuckman&
- Yeah, I bet you can't wait
for that shower, huh, pal?
Here is twenty bucks.
Happy Passover.
- I stay.
- Great.
Stay.
- Mrs. Shtuckman, I can have a
shirt?
- Follow me.
- Thank you.
- Have them pick us up in
a gas/electric hybrid limo
and Justin, no white limos.
Okay, then, we are a go.
Bye.
- Sorry, only immediate family.
- I thought you were just
going to services and stuff.
You are Hasidic?
- If the suit fits&
- The suit fits nicely.
- You look snappy too, Vanessa.
- Snappy?
Well, I am wearing this
for an event later.
I thought I would have to
fight you off all night.
- No.
- Ethan.
Too bad.
I looked up the law on cousins.
Ethan, we can't.
- You say that but you never
mean it.
- Come down, you two, we are
starting!
- Your mommy is calling.
- Vanessa.
- Stop it.
We are cousins.
- Once removed.
And that is why we can't even
kiss hello.
- Okay, Hasid boy.
But if I turn up the heat
you will take off the hat.
- Everyone, we are
starting!
- We are already here!
- Cousin!
- Hi!
- Nice dress.
You know, I wore the same
one once for a client
erectile instability.
He was stable that day.
- Hi, Ira.
- Hey, you are wearing my shirt!
- Yes.
- Look at all this crap.
- This "crap" is what our
ancestors had Seders in.
- Yeah, and we descended from
monkeys.
Maybe we should have a banana
Seder.
- Ira, this matters to me.
Sweetheart, did you think
about what I asked you?
- Yeah, Mom, I believe he's
going to be nice and all,
but I still can't come.
The house is not kosher.
- Kosher?
You want kosher?
It will be kosher enough for
Moses.
- So Ethan has gone religious,
I got to eat in a teepee?
- Dad, new you?
- Yeah.
Hey, Ethan, we all expected
you to come back here
on your hands and knees
begging for forgiveness.
But you know what?
I don't need an apology.
The new me is magnanimous.
Matter of fact, I am going
to fix your life for you.
Just the way I did Zeke's.
I got that yutz off drugs.
- What is a yutz?
- It just so happens there is an
opening in Stuckman Ornaments.
- Dad, you make Christmas
ornaments.
- So what?
You didn't object when they paid
for
your food, your clothes&
- Ira, this is not the time.
- Ethan, let me ask you a
question.
How do you get by?
- I do whatever the Rebbe asks.
- How much you get paid?
- I still have my investments.
- Your investments, huh?
You don't think I know that you
are taking money from your
mother?
i.e. my money!
- Dad, Lionel is getting upset.
- All right.
I am going to sweeten the deal.
I know you need to make these
adjustments in your life.
I am going to give you your own
secretary,
an office, the works.
You start tomorrow.
- I would be surprised.
- Can we just table
this and go in the tent,
and have a warm family Seder,
okay?
- You, get me the antacid.
- Sure, take it out on the yutz.
"I got the yutz off drugs."
Prick.
Prick.
I am a light your inner wick.
- I can't sit with my legs
crossed for the whole Seder.
Peggy: Stretch them out, Ira.
There is room.
Nikki: At least you have the
camel saddle.
How do I sit up straight?
Ethan : It is Passover.
You are supposed to recline.
Mom, beautiful job.
Kosher enough for Moses.
Jennifer: Could have used a
heater.
Artur: don't worry, Jenny,
I got a space blanket in the
suitcase.
Zeke: Dad.
Peggy: Gentlemen, yarmulke.
Ira: This I know something
about.
Nowhere in the Torah does
it
say I have to wear a yarmulke.
Artur : It is traditional.
You should not take your
hat off for nobody but God.
Vanessa: I thought it was
because God is over you.
Ethan: God is not over
you, God is everywhere.
We are in God.
Ethan: The yarmulke
just protects the mind,
because it separates us from the
animals.
Jennifer: Okay, then why
don't women wear them?
Women should wear them as
well.
Ethan: - Well&
Grace: - I will take one.
Nikki: For Dad.
Peggy: Ira&
Zeke: Dad?
Ira: Fastest Seder on Earth.
Page seven.
Here is the Seder plate.
Peggy: Not as nice as my
mother's,
but we all know what happened to
that one.
Ethan : Grace, the
Seder plate is holy because
these foods, they tell our
story.
Grace: Sort of like the last
supper.
Ethan: The last supper was a
Seder.
Grace: Get out?
Ira : Here is the
egg, here is the bone&
Peggy: Real lamb, not a chicken
neck.
Ira: The greens, the charoset&
Peggy: Made with kosher
wine.
Ira : And the horseradish.
Peggy : Which I bought
extra strong
because some of us have
a lot to atone for.
Ira : - Peg, just
light the damn candles.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God Ruler of the universe,
who has sanctified us
with your commandments
and commanded us to kindle
the festival lights.
Blessed are you&"
- Wait, Mom, there is a
beautiful melody
for the holiday blessing.
It goes like, "Baruch ata&"
- No melody.
- This is Vanessa.
Hi, sweetie.
It is my client.
- Unbelievable.
- I am here, no problem.
- Page seven.
All right, lift your cups.
"Blessed are You, etc.
for the fruit of the vine.
Blessed are You etc.
for the seasons of joy."
Cheers.
- Stop, nobody drink.
Dad, these are prayers.
They matter.
- Ethan, when you have a job, a
house,
a table, you can run the Seder.
Until then, just shut up.
- Dad, these words can transform
you.
If you want a new you do this
right and it will happen.
Look how wise the Haggadah is.
It says to repeat the holiday
blessing,
and that is the second chance to
sing.
- Baruch ata&
- No singing.
- Your brother Imre of blessed
memory, oh,
he could sing like a cantor.
- Moving on.
- Now, the commandment
is to drink, not sip.
- Right on.
- Next is hand washing.
Let us just rub them a little.
- No, this year we wash.
That is why I got these silver
bowls.
- Naturally.
Kosher Seder means shopping for
new stuff.
- Guys, the Seder has power.
It is not just about
our ancestors escaping
from the Pharaoh in Egypt.
It is about us escaping
from impatience and anger,
and envy from our own inner
Pharaohs.
- Ethan focus on your
own inner selfishness
and stop interrupting.
- It is a commandment to
interrupt.
That is how we learn.
- It is more of a commandment to
read
the Haggadah in Hebrew
like I did in my house.
- Pop, this is my house.
- What house?
It is a tent.
Why don't you do things the
right way?
Your brother David of blessed
memory
he could read Hebrew like a
rabbi.
- Page eight.
Dip the parsley in salt water.
- Sorry.
We need this photo op,
even though I am playing
it like they need us but
now it turns out there is
an aquarium there and my client
won't go where there
is captive fish, and I&
- Vanessa, dip.
- Sorry.
- "Blessed are you, etc.
for the food of the earth."
Eat.
- Now, food is a miracle.
Really taste it.
- It is freaking parsley.
- Imagine if food didn't
come from the ground?
Imagine if you had to
climb a mountain for it,
or swim to get it?
- Or have to earn it?
You would starve, Ethan.
- Dad, thank you for
putting food on our table.
- Thank you.
Now that is a miracle.
- But why have a Seder
if all you are going
to do is rush through it?
- Because that is what Jews do.
Page nine.
Here is the matzo.
Here is the middle matzo.
I break it in half, take the
larger piece
and I wrap it.
This is the Afikomen.
Later when I go wash my
hands, the kids will hide it.
And after dinner I
ransom it back from them,
we can end this whole thing.
No.
The way you are supposed
to do it is you hide it,
and the kids find it.
- Peg, that is your way.
And we all know why we don't do
it that way anymore.
- I found it!
I win the prize!
- Where did you find that?
- Where you hid it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You little cheater.
- Leave the boy alone.
- I was only trying to help!
You hid it way too well.
Nobody could find it.
- That was fifteen years ago!
- We could switch off
who hides it each year.
- Shut up.
- You don't have to talk to him
like that.
- Page ten.
- Dad, if you apologized
to Zeke right now,
a spark of divine light would be
released.
- Page ten.
- God's light hides in this
world.
But when one soul reaches out to
another a
spark of that light flies back
to God.
And releasing those sparks
releasing those
sparks is the whole
purpose of the human race.
- Page ten.
Going around the table.
Profound intellectual
comments not required.
Vanessa.
- "This is the bread of
affliction.
Let all who are hungry&"
- Don't you dare.
- This is Vanessa.
No, we don't want the aquarium
moved,
we want the fish freed!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- From those who anger
us, we learn patience.
- Okay, Ethan, I admit it.
You are a great teacher.
- Thank you.
- This is for real?
You really believe this garbage?
- Of course it is real.
God is great.
- And how do you know this God
exists?
- I don't.
But I want to believe,
so I cultivate that desire.
And the funny thing is
the more I want God,
the more I feel God.
- That is not Judaism.
That is new age psycho-babble.
- Works for me.
- No, no, Ethan.
Judaism doesn't work for
you, you work for it.
Your people survived by the
sweat of their
brows not by "cultivating
desire".
- You are saying that God
doesn't help?
- Dipping into your mother's
pocketbook, that is God's help?
- Problem solved.
- they're freeing the fish?
- We are very big.
What did I miss?
- I asked you a question, Ethan.
- Ira if I want to give my son a
gift
because I love him, I will.
Now why don't you just move it
forward
and I will check on the lamb.
- And I don't love him, huh?
I didn't send him to
Stanford for three years?
And I would have sent him for a
fourth so
he could get his degree
if he hadn't bailed!
- Oh, enough already!
When do we eat?
- Your inner Pharaoh anger,
Dad, at losing the bragging
rights to a son who
graduated from Stanford?
- You know what, Ethan?
That is obnoxious.
This man raised you!
He sacrificed for you!
- Do you really want a part of
this?
- Of what, of your sanctimonious
b.s.?
Go ahead, I am right here.
Bring it on!
- Your "career" doesn't exactly
send sparks back to God.
- Yeah, well, at least she
doesn't mooch from her parents.
- Do you even know what I do,
Ethan?
Do you?
I have a client.
His face disfigured at
childhood.
He can't even look at women
because he's so sure that they
look at him
and they see a monster.
So together, we follow a
fourteen week protocol,
and the first seven we just
talk.
Then I start to make him feel
like an
actual human being who is worthy
of love.
I mean, do you have any
idea what that means to him?
Do you?
- For a price, Nikki, for a
price!
- What?
So what, okay?
Doctors make money, therapists
make money, you know.
We all make money helping
people, Ethan.
And soon I am going to be
helping a
whole lot more people making
more money,
and I am not going to
be ashamed then either.
- What are you going to do?
Are you going to hire other
sex surrogates and go public?
- No, I am not!
I am launching a remotely
controlled
cybersexual device for the
home-bound.
- Oh, you are going to be rich!
- Yeah, I know, I know.
Because all of those
people in those chat rooms,
typing with one hand.
You know, Sexologizer 2.0 could
be huge.
- There is so many one-handed
people in the world?
- Wait, I got to tell you, I
don't recall Sexologizer 1.0.
- It was my partner's idea.
Because people, they
will think that we have
already sold millions, so.
- Who is we?
- It is confidential at this
juncture.
- You are backing a cyber
company?
- Real people, real products.
Not like your "new economy
paradigm".
- It is not enough Nicole
is a sex worker now
you are her pimp?
- This will allow her to
transition from
surrogate to entrepreneur.
- Surrogate?
Entrepreneur?
She has sex for money!
- Oh, my God, Mom!
Oh, my God, Mom!
Like you are so perfect?
You bringing your big
gigolo here to Seder?
Parading him around in
front of your husband!
- Do you see how your little
princess speaks to me?
- Shoe fits, Peg.
- You allow girl speak to
Mrs. Shtuckman like this?
- Why don't you just scram, pig.
- Pig?
- This is a kosher Seder.
- You insult the wrong man,
Shtuckman.
- Oh, my gosh!
- Make apology to Mrs. Shtuckman
and me.
- Get away from me.
- Make apology, Shtuckman!
- Stop it!
Lionel is getting upset!
- Ira, stand up to him like a
man!
- Dad did it again!
- You hit me with most
holiest object in house,
you son of a bitch?
- Ira!
His heart!
His heart!
- Oh, my God, Dad!
- Let Grace through, she is a
nurse!
- I do laser hair removal.
- Go, come on!
Is it a heart attack?
I told him to make that
appointment!
- I can't tell.
His pulse feels okay.
Is he on any medication?
- No, he hasn't seen the doctor
yet.
- I don't know what is wrong.
- I drugged him.
- Ira, can you see my eyes?
- What did you just say?
- I said, I drugged Dad!
- You what?
- I slipped a tab of
ecstasy into his antacid.
It is really good stuff, should
give him
a new perspective.
- Oh, my God!
- You little bastard!
- Dad!
- You give me your goddamn
drugs?!
I am going to give you
some goddamn misery!
- It burns!
- Guys, I think Dad is okay now.
- It is all right.
You are all right.
Breathe.
- It is all right, it is all
right.
In the camps, horseradish
was like ice cream.
- It is all right, it is
all right, Mrs. Shtuckman.
It is a big family Seder.
It is normal.
- It is not all right.
His pupils aren't responding.
- My pupils aren't responding?
- Ira, you will be fine.
The pupil thing is normal.
- What do you know?
You aren't the nurse.
- Ira, listen to me.
You will roll for a few hours,
and then you will be fine.
The only thing that can
turn those hours into
a bad experience is fear.
Look at me, Ira.
There is nothing to fear.
Do you understand?
- Are you a druggie, too?
- I am a celebrity publicist.
I know how to handle a drug
overdose.
- What?
I overdosed?
- No.
No, not with one tab.
- Vanessa, you aren't
going to leave me, right?
- Absolutely not.
Let me explain to you what
rolling is.
It is like a roller coaster.
Up, down, up again.
Touchy, feely, connected.
This is Vanessa.
They got Jennifer Lopez?
They don't need us!
- Vanessa, wait!
You said you were not going to
leave!
- Better buckle up, Dad.
- I wish I lived on your planet.
- Seven dwarfs.
- No, I mean, you don't
get upset unless we do.
Mom doesn't spit every
time you come in the room.
- Nympho daughter?
Druggie son.
Another Seder ruined.
- Peggy, I could die here.
- Ira, you aren't going to die.
- What do you know?
You are a hair plucker.
- Welcome to the family, Grace.
- Okay, bathroom break.
- Right.
right.
Okay.
Oh, shoot, I am losing the
signal.
They have J-Lo now, they don't
have to
free the fish.
I am sure it is a four-star
aquarium.
Look, look, look.
I will get you in the
picture with her, I promise.
No, not the fish, J-Lo!
Hello?
Hello?
I hate A minus celebrities.
- Hate fuels the sinful impulse.
- Isn't that lust?
- Lust too.
- Ethan, you are sinning right
now.
- I am not doing anything.
- You are leering at me.
- I am merely admiring.
God created animals in ascending
order,
and He made women last.
You are holy.
- Ethan, you are lusting.
- Fine, I will look away.
- Here, let me help you.
Why don't you just look into my
eyes.
Or you can look down if you want
to.
- I don't want to.
- Now you are lying and lusting.
- Grounded?
No, no, no.
Your punishment is going
to be a work of art.
- Masterpiece.
- Wow, Mom and Dad on the same
page.
- You insolent little&
- I told you don't hit the boy!
You think I hit David or Imre?
- You hit me.
- You deserved it.
- This is awesome.
What are you looking at?
Peggy, it is freezing in here.
Look at me, I am freezing.
- Jenny, I will get a space
blanket from the suitcase.
- No, it is all right.
Thank you, Grandpa.
But really, I would like a
sweater.
Peggy, do you have a sweater?
- Hall closet.
- Thanks.
- This is her last Seder here.
- This is my last Seder ever.
- Seventh inning.
- What kind of guy actually
marries a sex surrogate?
You know how many partners I
have had?
Well, an open-minded kind of
guy, right?
But those kind of guys come with
their
own excess baggage.
- Don't walk the batter.
- Why do I let her do this to
me?
I am a good person.
I have sex with cripples, for
God's sake!
- Lucky seven!
- I feel much better.
Thank you.
How is Dad doing?
- Never better.
- Really?
Is he tripping?
- Usual tyranny.
But you know, he seems scared.
- That doesn't sound good.
- Well, it depends on your
perspective.
- You know what?
We try to be very sweet to
you, and you come in here
acting like this big victim
because you grew up in
a smaller house than us.
- First of all, it was
a one bedroom apartment!
Which it would't have been if
dad hadn't
left my mom for your creepy mom.
- You are a bitch!
- You are a privileged slut!
- No, I am happy and
interesting.
You?
You aren't.
- I am not happy and
interesting.
That is it!
- Where were we?
- We were about to head back.
- No, no, we were just about to&
- Vanessa, look, I can't.
- But we already kissed.
- It is against the law.
- I looked it up.
- Jewish law!
- But I feel a holy spark down
here.
- Vanessa, no!
Please!
- Fine!
But it will never happen again,
Ethan.
You hear me?
Never.
- Fuck it.
I will atone at Yom Kippur.
- What is this?
Oh, sexy.
I have never seen that.
- It is supposed to remind me
not to sin.
- You mean like this?
- I feel something.
It is like, I am angry, but I
don't know
what I am angry at.
- That is not the X.
That is you.
- No, no.
I am angry because&
I lost it.
- Maybe it is better I run
the Seder, Mrs. Shtuckman.
- Not in my tent.
- Is my tent.
- My yard, my rent, my tent!
- Way to lay it down, Dad.
- "Way to lay it down, Dad."
- Page eleven.
Zeke.
- Why do I always have to
read the four questions?
- Because you are the youngest.
- I am not.
Lionel is.
So it should rotate like
every other paragraph.
- Then it is still your turn.
- Fine, but if it was not&
- Read the damn questions before
I rip
your tongue out of your mouth.
- I should have given you two
tabs,
you are such a prick.
- What did you just say?
- "How is this night different
from all other nights?
On all other nights, we eat
either
leavened bread or matzo.
Why on this night only matzo?
On all other nights, we
eat all kinds of herbs.
Why on this night only bitter
herbs?
On all other nights, we
don't dip our food at all.
Why on this night do we dip it
twice?
On all other nights, we
sit upright or reclining.
Why on this night only
reclining?"
- Ethan.
Is there an inner meaning
to the four questions?
- No.
- Oh, really?
I would have thought that there
was&
- No!
- "We were slaves to Pharaoh in
Egypt&"
- Ethan, no wisdom to share?
- Yeah, Ethan.
Unleash some sparks.
- The key word in the last part
was&
- "Length", isn't it?
Discussing it at length?
I mean, really, guys haven't we
been here
long enough already?
- No.
- No, we have.
We have, okay?
And at this point, we aren't
going to eat until midnight.
- The key word is not "length".
It is "we".
We are enslaved.
Coveting the things we can't
have.
Lusting&
- For dinner, growing impatient.
I feel you.
I got it, dude.
Your turn.
- "Rabbis Akiba, Joseph, Tarfon
and Elazar
ben Azaryah were celebrating the
Seder.
- Pay attention!
You think David was daydreaming
at Seders?
- No.
- No?
- ."&the 'days of
your life'
refers to this world&"
&but 'all the days of your life"
refers to
the time of the Messiah."
These guys spent the whole
night studying one adjective.
- That doesn't mean we have to.
- It is not about the adjective.
You study it to learn about
yourself.
- Dad, what happened to
the world's fastest Seder?
Dad?
Jesus Christ.
Look at him, he's tripping like
a hippie!
- It is all here and now.
- What is here and now, Ira?
- This Seder, Pop's
Seder, the Sages' Seder.
Oh, Peggy.
You have created a beautiful
here and now.
The fabrics, the cushions&
The saddle.
You did great.
- Thank you very much, Ira.
Of course, you are on drugs.
- And all the other tents.
All the tents of all the Jews of
all time.
- Goddamn, Dad, you are
tripping.
- No, listen.
We are in the desert.
We just left Egypt.
We don't know where we are
going.
But we are here now, and God is
near.
- He is wasting our time!
- I think he's cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
- I think he's Moses.
- Guys, this is Dad.
He has lots of sides to him you
don't see.
- Tonight he's Moses the
most important person
in the story, but he's never
mentioned in
the Haggadah because
he's the one leading us
out of Egypt now.
Dad is Moses, and I think
he's finally feeling God.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know what, sweetie?
We need to move on.
Okay.
"Four times the Torah tells us:
'And you shall tell your
child.'"
"From this we infer that there
are
four kinds of children."
Just like our family.
"One is wise."
"One is wicked."
"One is simple."
"And one doesn't know how to
ask."
- Peggy, we have got five kids
here.
- We do. I am so sorry, dear,
really.
I am sorry.
- It is all right.
- I am going to get some more
wine.
Rafi, read.
- "The wise son says,
What are the laws and statutes
that God
has commanded you?"
"Instruct him in the laws of
Passover;
that after eating the Passover
sacrifice
we don't eat anything else."
- That is the Afrikomen,
so even if you do something
horrible at the Seder you
still leave with a blessing.
- Jennifer?
- Okay, Peggy arranged
the seating so that I
would get this paragraph.
- She didn't do that.
Why would she do that?
- Yeah.
It must have been God.
- Jen.
Jen.
Look, the wicked son is the
best one because look at us.
We are all wicked, but he asks
because he
wants us to be good.
When one soul reaches out to
another,
a spark of that light flies back
to God.
- "The wicked son&"
Daughter.
"&says, 'What does this
service mean to you?'
"To you and not to him.
Thus she excludes herself from
her people.
And had he been there when we
left Egypt,
he would not have been saved.
Okay, see?
He asks and he gets left out.
- Jen, you aren't left out.
You are here.
It is great.
- Babe, your dad is reaching
out.
- Babe, my dad is stoned.
Just read, okay?
- Jen, I know you are
hungry, so I am going to
skip a few pages, okay?
- Dad, don't make this about me,
okay?
Everybody here is hungry.
- Jen, I want to do this for
you.
Because I was not there for you
when
you were growing up.
I am so sorry.
- Ira, it is about time.
- There is a new me in town.
Tings is going to change.
- Okay, see, no.
No.
Tings is not going to change.
You blew it a long time ago,
Dad.
And you can't just, "I
am sorry, I am sorry
and make everything all right.
- Yeah, but I can try.
- Yeah, well, we will
see what happens when
the drugs wear off, okay?
- It hasn'thing to do with
drugs.
Well, maybe a little.
But I promise you, I am
never going to forget this.
Raise your cups.
"Not once, nor twice&"
- Dad, we should all say
this and with great joy.
- "Not once nor
twice was our destruction
planned but in every
generation our enemies rise
up to destroy us.
Yet the Holy One, Blessed
be He who delivers
us from their hands."
- It could have been more
joyful.
- What joyful?
This inner pharaoh, love
me, love you business.
Nonsense!
When you thank God for
deliverance, you mean it!
The Egyptians only wanted to
enslave us, but the Philistines
wanted us dead!
So did the Babylonians and the
Greeks!
So did the Romans!
Then came the Inquisition of
Spain,
the pogroms in Russia.
The Nazis in Germany who
put numbers on my arm!
Killed Ira's mama and his two
brothers,
David and Imre.
And his sister little Monic
who made the sun shine.
This is the history of
the world, my friends!
When you thank God for saving
you, you better mean it!
Because if the children,
and the children's
children of all those
bastards could kill us here
and now, they would!
- Grandpa, I don't think that is
what
the Rebbe meant by great joy.
- Nuts to the Rebbe!
- Grandpa, the enemies in every
generation
are the forces that hold us
back from becoming the man
or woman that we want to be.
Anger, prejudice, lust!
- Those are feelings!
The bastards are real!
- Feelings are real,
Grandpa, and they lead to all
kinds of problems, even war.
The Rebbe says be joyful,
not just because God saves us
but because joy frees
us from those forces.
I am talking about real joy,
deep joy!
If we could all tap into
that for just one moment,
we would be a light unto
the nations and that
would be the end of war.
- Fantasy!
- "And we cried out to
the God of our fathers,
and He heard our voice and
remembered his covenant
with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."
- I don't need a drug hug!
- Pop, we have never hugged.
- What hug?
We are men!
- I don't even remember
shaking hands with you.
- The day I made you a
partner, I shook your hand.
And you slapped me with it!
- I gave you twelve months
notice.
- Six generations of
Stuckmans made fine hats,
but not you!
- Pop, Kennedy killed the hat.
Nobody wears them anymore.
- Baloney.
Look at me, look at
Ethan, and look at you.
You make Christmas balls.
- I make Christmas ornaments
because
the people who hid me
during the war gave me
one as a present.
Pop.
I am sorry about the hat shop.
I know you loved it.
But I am only talking about hugs
here.
Zeke.
Zeke.
I am sorry I never hugged you.
- Or listen to me.
Or respect me.
- Oh, no, I respect you, kid.
Maybe now I understand why you
enjoy your drugs so much.
But hey, listen.
They are dangerous, and I am
going to
still punish you for it.
- Do not feel you have to.
- Nikki.
Look, I haven'thing
against your profession.
I mean, I know you help people.
But now that you are thinking
about
changing your career maybe
your mother is right.
- Are you trying to back
out of Sexologizer, Daddy?
- Oh, come on, sweetheart.
You can do better than the sex
business.
- Okay.
- Jennifer.
- Ethan.
- Jennifer.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry about so many
things.
I am sorry that I never showed
you
how much I love you.
And maybe if I had, you would
not be&
- Gay?
I would not be gay, Dad?
This is unbelievable!
You still think it is
your fault that I am gay.
All right, listen carefully.
Gay is what I am, that is it.
It hasn'thing to do with you.
- Yeah, but I was not there
for you like the others.
- And thank God!
Dad, they are way more
screwed up than I am!
You have got a drug addict, a
prostitute.
This guy, God bless him, he's
tragic.
And your precious Ethan
was boning your cousin in
Dad's study not one hour ago.
- Dude.
Nice.
- I built this tent for you.
I bought plates for you.
I roasted a goddamn lamb
because you are so holy.
And you have sex with my cousin?
- I am sorry.
- In my house?!
- I am sorry.
- So, Ethan notice any sparks
floating back to God while
you were committing incest?
- It is not incest!
- Really?
Cousins is not incest?
- Once removed.
It is a gray area.
- I knew that Hasid junk was an
act.
- It is not an act, okay?
I slipped.
That is part of the process.
It is not like I had an
affair because my wife
would not have me, Dad!
- That is a lie.
- Really?
Mom?
- It is a lie!
It never happened!
And that thing that never
happened never
happened a long time ago.
It never happened.
- One of you go!
- They don't deserve you, Peggy.
- Lousy supermarket macaroons.
She buys the same ones every
year.
- Thank you.
It is funny, in Italy
when they say macaroons,
it is like macaroni.
It means spaghetti.
Every time in America, they
say, "Do you want macaroons?"
I say no, because I hate
spaghetti.
I mean not spaghetti bologanse,
but a little spaghetti&
- Whose turn is it?
Okay, good, I will go.
- Oh, no, no, no, honey don't&
- Lift your cups.
- Please don't do this.
- Guys, you are onto
something here something your
family needs.
Go with it.
Jesus said, "Blessed are those
who
weep for they will laugh."
- Honey, it is the wrong crowd.
- Jesus was Jewish, honey.
He got it from Ecclesiastes,
okay?
Now, lift your cups.
- Excuse me, but where do you
get off
telling us what to do?
- I am the matzo-bearer.
Without me, there would be no
matzo!
Now, girl, lift your damn cups!
Ira?
"Wherefore it is our duty to
thank, to praise to honor,
to glorify to exalt, to
commend, to bless, to extol,
and to acclaim him who
performed all these miraculous
deeds for our fathers, and for
us.
He brought us forth from
bondage to freedom from
anguish to joy, from darkness
to great light from servitude
to redemption.
Let us therefore sing
before him a new song!
Praise to the Lord!
Hallelujah!"
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
Ethan.
Sing that song, that new song!
- Forget it.
- Honey, I think we should go.
- Oh, no.
No, we need this.
We need this for us.
- Ira.
I kissed Rafi like I haven't
kissed anyone in years.
Because you aren't the
man I married anymore.
Ethan, you want to talk about
Pharaohs?
You are my Pharaoh.
All of you.
I have been a slave to this
family for years, thirty years.
I have been feeding you, and
dressing you,
and driving you and
trying to keep the peace
and I failed at that.
Trying to make a loving
presentable family of all of you
and I failed at that, too.
So I am not sure when I will be
back.
No, no, no.
No, no.
- Mom, Mom, Mom!
Mom, don't say that stuff.
It is almost dinner.
You made it, we will love
it, and you will feel better.
- Mom, I am really
sorry about what I said.
I am really sorry!
- No, you aren't.
- Yes, I am!
- Mom, look.
There is no excuse for what I
did.
I am an ass.
- You had sex at a Seder
that I made for you!
- Mom, please!
- Mom, Mom, Mom!
- Peggy, I am sorry I said
anything.
- Please.
Jennifer, don't bother.
- No!
Daddy, please say something!
Dad, say something!
- What can I say?
She is right.
- Seven minutes.
- Okay, Mom, Mom, Mom!
- Seven minutes.
- Mom, listen to him!
- Okay, Mom, stay seven minutes!
- You are going to want to stay
for this.
I am&
- What did you say, baby?
- Oh, hell, I am not autistic.
- Dude!
Dude, you owe me a hundred
bucks!
- She is not here.
- You are such a dick.
- You are such a pussy.
- At least I am master of all
galaxies.
- So am I.
- Liar.
- Look.
- I will be master by tomorrow.
- Dude, no.
And if they knew how bad
you were at video games,
the gig would be up.
- Only one out of ten is a
savant.
- But Dad always says,
"Lionel is an idiot savant."
Mom just says you are
relatively high-functioning.
- I really am evil, huh?
- So come out.
- I can't just come out.
I got to find my way back
thanks to their years of
teamwork and doting attention.
- Hundred bucks says you blow
it before you are fifteen.
- I should have lost
that bet a long time ago.
I am sorry.
- And the doctors?
- They wanted to find something
wrong.
All of you did.
I just didn't talk at first, you
know?
I certainly was not normal.
And then you guys, you
are all such big talkers
that compared to you,
I seemed especially off.
And then the doctors,
they called it autism.
And I don't know, I just went
with it because I realized
that I would not catch Dad's
wrath like Zeke or Ethan or
get the curse of Mom like
Nikki, and I just shut my mouth,
and that was that.
Not to say it was a great
decision, it was a very,
very poor one, but I
figured out that I could
stop your fights with an
episode, and Mom you became
this champion for my
cause and for a while,
it was the only thing
that kept us a family.
Those were good things,
really good things.
What can I say but I am sorry,
guys.
- It's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
- You goddamn liar!
Do you know what you have done
here?
The grief you have caused,
Lionel?
The goddamn grief!
Let me have it!
Let me have it!
- Dad!
Dad, please, this is awesome!
- Awesome?
No!
No, he's the devil!
- Okay, Dad, please just sit
down!
- And all of you!
All of you are out of your
minds!
This tent bullshit!
- I guess he's not Moses
anymore.
- Shut up!
- Ira, we're all a little
overwhelmed.
- Lionel.
Lionel.
What is with the sevens?
- Yeah, that was just to get the
receipts.
- And you need the receipts why?
- They have merchant numbers.
And I wrote a protocol for
credit card authorizers
so I could borrow and float
on the interval between
approval and the actual debit.
- You are a hacker?
- How much did you get?
- About a million five.
- Dude, you never told me that!
- You are a thief?
- Mom, it is a gray area.
But you and Dad keep the money
for all I put you through.
- What about the rest of us?
- You knew.
- Not about that!
- You know, I didn't know.
So if you want to invest
in Sexologizer, we could&
- No, Nikki, he doesn't.
- Mom, it was a joke.
- This money is going
to the Autism Society.
Period.
- Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I tell you he was a
genius?
My son, the genius.
I told you!
I told you, it had to do
with the number seven.
- Dad&
- &it hadn'thing to do&
- &with&
- &seven.
- Folks?
- "Holy land tent is
waterproof", Rafi?
- Oh, no, this is different,
the rain is different, it is&
Okay, I lied.
- Okay.
Waterlogged outside, dried out
inside.
- Do you have a pressure cooker?
- Paprika?
- Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Who did I miss?
- Wow, the room looks great!
- Thank you.
We work as one.
One hungry son of a bitch!
- Do you like the clothes I buy
you?
- Yeah, some of them.
- You must have felt so lonely.
- I have friends online.
There was Zeke.
- All right, let us refill the
glasses,
top off Elijah's cup.
That is for the prophet Elijah.
Later we will open the door for
him
and one of these years he'll
come in
and announce the day of the Lord
is here.
- I would settle for a pizza.
- I am going to wash my hands.
- We will hide the Afikomen.
- No, Peg.
We will do it your way.
I am going to hide the Afikomen,
the kids can find it later.
But Ethan you are still banned.
- That was fifteen years ago!
- What the hell are you humming
about?
- I am filling in for
Moses, and I am doing
a pretty good job.
- Moses?
You ain't done bupkis.
When the drugs wear off
Jen will still hate you,
Ethan won't take the job,
Peggy won't touch you
and Pop will still think you are
a putz.
- He forgot to hide it.
- Dad?
Dad, you with us?
- I thought he was down.
- It is a roller coaster.
- Dad?
Come on.
Okay, Dad, just look at your
plate.
For the sake of time, we set
up all the offerings already.
All we need to do is
bless and eat, all right?
Ready?
Dad, just eat what we tell you.
- Vanessa, read.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God, Ruler of the Universe
who has sanctified us with
commandments
and commanded us to eat matzo."
- Zeke.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God, Ruler of the Universe
who has sanctified us with
commandments
and commanded us to eat the
bitter herb."
- "This is what Rabbi
Hillel did in the time
of the Holy Temple;
He would combine the Passover
sacrifice,
matzo and bitter herb."
- Does anyone else get
constipated from all this matzo?
- Yes.
- All right.
That is that.
Mom.
Boys.
- Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
- Page twenty-eight, the Festive
Meal.
- Seconds, please.
- Save your appetite.
Peggy has got a phenomenal meal
in store.
- The gelfite fish is
kosher for Passover, Ethan.
I checked.
- The Rebbe says no
packaged foods on Passover.
- And what does the Rebbe say
about schtupping your cousin?
- What?
It is matzo ball soup.
- The Rebbe says&
- What could the Rebbe possibly
say
about matzo ball soup?
- He said when you put
matzo in water long enough,
it leavens.
- The food.
It has to do with the food!
- Mom!
It smells wonderful, Mom!
- I made the lamb.
We made the stew.
- Mom, how did you make the stew
so fast?
- Pressure cooker.
Jen's idea.
- Thank you very
much.
- This stew is very good.
The way Ira's mama used to make
it.
- What, Ethan?
- It is your old pressure
cooker, right?
Hey, Mom, it is not kosher.
- Ethan.
I am sorry that we made a
mistake but I really think
the holy thing to do would
be to eat the Festive Meal
along with your family,
including
your resurrected brother,
he'll tell you how good it is.
- Yeah, it is amazing, but
he's obviously trying to heed
a higher calling, okay?
- Shut up, Lionel.
- Ethan, why would God care what
you eat?
- God cares that I am trying
to do the right thing now.
Especially tonight.
- But it won't change the past.
- Let the religious do his way.
- Why has my dinner become
a boys-versus-girls debate?
- What does Moses say?
- Yeah, stick up for the boys,
Dad.
- Will you all submit to my
decision?
- Hey, look, I am not going
to eat the lamb, okay?
Please.
- I thought you were serious
when you called me Moses.
- No, it just served him at the
time.
- Ethan?
- I will submit to a fair
decision, okay?
- And the rest of you?
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Ethan wants to eat the
stew as much as anyone.
But he's willing to make a
sacrifice.
- Right on, Dad.
- No, Zeke, he's wrong.
Because there is no
religion on Earth that says
it is all right to hurt
your mother's feelings.
- Go, Moses.
- Go ahead, son, eat.
- I said I would submit
to a fair decision, Dad.
Yours is personal.
- Ethan.
- You are just steamed
I won't work for you.
- Is that what all of you heard?
- It doesn't matter what they
heard, Dad.
You want me to take over the
business, you know I won't,
and it pisses you off!
- Do I sound pissed off?
- Listen to me.
I am not going to make Santa
balls!
- Why do you mock something
that I have worked
all my life to give you?
- Because, Dad this night
aside, you are a miserable
old bastard and I don't want to
be you!
- Take that back!
Take it back, Ethan!
- No, Nikki, it is okay.
That is not my Pharaoh, Ethan.
It is yours.
You are enslaved to not being
me.
Maybe, maybe you don't
know me that well, huh?
- Maybe.
- Maybe I don't know you that
well?
- Yeah.
- What do you say we have lunch?
- There is a kosher place
right by your office.
- It is a start.
Tell you what.
You don't have to eat the lamb.
- No, that is not being serious,
Dad.
That is taking a love bribe.
- Nikki, are you against a
love bribe or are you still
mad that I backed out of
Sexologizer?
- You just made a decision
based on Mom's feelings, right?
Are you now saying that
Ethan's are more important?
- That is the first time I
heard you defend your mother.
- Answer my question.
- Ethan this must be
proof that God exists!
The day your sister defends
your mother is the day
God will permit you to eat some
lamb.
- Moses, my tukis.
If every judge thought
like you, the Fourth Reich
would run the world and
we would all be dead.
You are milk-livered,
Ira, you always were.
- Pop, you are stuck in the
past.
You always were.
- What stuck?
I brought you to America.
- Why do you always carry
around this suitcase?
- Because I am smart.
You never know when the
bastards are coming,
especially nowadays.
- You have been carrying
it around for sixty years.
- So?
I am a survivor.
And if I didn't keep surviving
your mama,
and your two brothers
and your sister would
have died for nothing!
- But I am here, Pop!
- Yeah, you are here.
- Yeah, I am here.
I am here!
I may not read Hebrew like David
or
or sing like Imre, or make
the sun shine like Magdi.
But I am here, Pop.
I am here!
I survived!
- You survived, and for what?
Six generations of
Stuckmans made fine hats.
Hitler murdered our whole
family,
but he couldn't take that away
from me.
But you did.
Why?
- I am sorry, Pop.
I am sorry.
- I miss them.
I miss them.
- I know you do.
- Well, I will give you one
thing.
Your mother, she didn't care
much about
the hat business either.
- She didn't?
- No, she always said,
"Artur, you have such a
beautiful voice you should be a
cantor."
Ira.
Let Ethan do what he wants.
- Thank you, Grandpa.
- Wait.
It is not going to be a fair
decision until Mom speaks.
- It freaks me out that
you are a regular kid.
- Wait until you get to know
him, he's a regular yutz.
- What is a yutz?
- Mom?
- I don't really care
what Ethan eats anymore.
- No, Lionel is right.
I owe you, Peg.
Not only for all the
wonderful Seders you have made
but especially for this one.
- Thank you.
- You know, your mother
always believed in me.
She believed in me when I
started a Christmas business.
I believed in making her
happy, making her proud
and I worked hard.
Oh, geez.
Then I would come home tired and
expecting some gratitude, you
know?
Stupid, huh?
It didn't matter that she
was busy raising you guys
working for the Autism Society.
So that is when we stopped
talking and I started yelling.
Yeah, there was another woman.
She looked a lot like your
mother,
she was very sweet to me.
We kissed.
One night, we took a hotel room&
- Dad.
I think I can speak for
all of us when I say,
none of us needs to hear this.
- Please, Ethan, let me finish.
- Dad, it is like the
end of The Wizard of Oz
when Dorothy goes on
and on about everything
that she has learned?
We are all Dorothied out.
- Zeke, please.
And you know what?
I ran out of that room,
because I love you, Peggy.
And I always have.
I love the way I used to make
you laugh.
You remember when we moved into
the house,
we had that pizza and we tried
to reheat it with a candle?
Do you remember that?
I know you don't believe
that guy exists anymore.
I know that.
I mean, after all these
years of bullying you and
screaming at the kids, never
paying any attention to you
never listening to your
thoughts.
I swear to you I am not that man
anymore.
- People don't change in one
night Ira.
- I can try.
- Well, I guess Ethan is free
to eat his matzo and salad.
- Maybe he'll get matzipated.
Get it?
Matzo and constipated?
- Grandpa.
Kosher?
- Of course.
- Hey, hey, where are you going?
- It is okay.
Kiss your wife.
- Rafi.
Stay.
You helped us with the tent.
You went through hell with us.
Come on, sit down.
Stuckman.
I stay.
- Ethan, what is left?
- Eat the Afikomen, two cups of
wine,
and open the door for Elijah.
- Pass the Afikomen.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God, Ruler of the Universe
who creates the fruit of the
vine."
- Ethan.
Teach us that song.
- It is really for any holiday,
anytime you are thankful to
be around the ones that you
love.
"Blessed are You, Lord
our God, who brings us to
this moment of joy."
- Come on, Ethan, sing for us.
- Zeke, go get the door for
Elijah.
- I didn't even knock yet.
- Shaffer?
- Hey, man, your family sings?
That is cool.
Hey, it couldn't have been that
bad, huh?
- Yeah. I mean, no.
I mean, thanks.
Thanks, dude, really.
- Whoa, man, whoa.
Do not get all sarcastic on me,
okay?
Look I am sorry that I jacked
you over.
I was sorting pills when my
dad got home and I freaked.
You know, I started
mixing in the perkies with
the jolly beans and then
the roofies were there and
basically, you got kiddie
aspirin.
They look alike, you know?
The pills, they all blend
together.
Anyhow.
Here is the Touch-God X.
It is real.
Hey, we're hitting a
banging rave a little later.
You want to roll with us?
- No.
No, thanks.
- Whatever, man.
Later man.
- So, your cell phone
does it have a number?
- Rafi, about the tent.
- Next year, rain-proof!
- Next year in Jerusalem!
- One more time!
- God's real, dude,
and for forty bucks you can meet
Him.
- Ecstacy costs twenty.
- Not Touch-God X, man.
It's got acid in it.
- No.
Just the eighth of bud and a bag
of whizz.
- You're missing out Stuckman.
- Hold on.
Hey, mom.
- Zeke, why are you answering?
I was going to leave a message.
- I'm in study hall, Mom.
- I hear the
lawnmower.
- I'm sitting near a window!
- Zeke, where are you?
Don't lie.
- Mom, what do you want?
- I want you to go to the
supermarket
on your way home, and get
me two boxes of matzo.
- No way, not on Passover!
- I just need one box for my
mom!
Mom, I don't have any money.
- Come home first.
- Mom!
- Zeke, don't play with me.
I've got too much going on here.
- What?
Mom?
You are cutting out here.
I&hear you.
Call me back later.
I hate Passover.
- Why man?
Saders are cool.
- You know what?
Give me one of those tabs.
I'm going to need it.
Zeke Stuckman.
Dropping X at Sader.
- Dude, my mom is just
the tip of the iceberg.
- What is it, Peg?
- No matzo, no
seder, Ira.
- Have Zeke get it.
- I can't reach him.
I think I caught him skipping
class again.
- Oh Christ.
- Is that antacid?
- No, it's just reflex, Peg.
- What if it isn't Ira?
- It is.
- Now that, that's a Chubby
Santa.
- Thank you Mr. Stuckman.
- Bye Peg.
- No wait.
Ira, what about the matzo, can
you get it?
- Mr. Stuckman?
- Have his lordship get it.
It's not like he's so busy.
- Ira, you will not pick on
Ethan tonight.
- No, Peg, no.
I promise you'll all be
amazed how I treat him.
Also I'll get you your matzo,
okay?
Bye bye.
- Don't ask Nicole, she doesn't
know
from matzo.
- Mr. Stuckman sir.
- What's there to
know?
- It has to be kosher.
- All matzo's kosher.
- Kosher for Passover.
- Oh, gee, what the hell?
- Mr. Stuckman, I'm sorry,
the alarm's not inside yet.
I have to reconfigure
for the chubby Santa.
- I need a prototype today, not
slop.
- But it's only April.
- Ira!
- Don't tell me it's only April.
- Ira.
- I have been in this Christmas
business for 30 years.
Design delay equals production
delay.
- That's $10,000 a
day.
You get that?
- Ira please.
- What!?
- I have pots boiling, men
working.
I have to make calls
for the Autsim Society
and I want Kosher matzo.
- The matzo will be there.
- And get it yourself.
Nicole is working.
- Now, I'm gonna unbutton your
shirt.
- I should do sensate focus?
- Yes you should.
- Right.
You're touching my collar.
- Yes.
- I feel heat in my lap.
- Uh-huh, very good.
- Unbuttoning my top button.
- Yes I am.
- You are unbottoning my second
button.
- Yes.
- Oh sorry.
- No, that's excellent.
- Really?
- Next week we're gonna make it
to
the fourth button.
- Nikki, you're a goddess.
- Well, okay, I want you to
clean up.
I am going to go freshen up.
When I get back, we're gonna
review
todays session.
- Yes.
- Nikki's place.
She'll make a man out
of you, I guarantee it.
- She there?
This is her father.
- Oh, there's no Nikki here.
- Son, I know what my daughter
does for a living.
- Okay, it's okay.
No, no.
It's okay, it's okay.
Just relax.
You're perfect, it's great.
- Hello?
- Hey, Princess.
You should have that guy put a
testimonial
on your website.
- Yeah, yeah, I will, as soon as
he gets
over the shock of an approving
father.
Are you okay?
How's the reflux?
- Zeke is driving me nuts.
Your mother thinks he skipped
class.
- Well Dad, she's just paranoid.
Is that really what's bothering
you?
- The new Christmas ornament
just blew up.
- Dad, you are nervous about
Ethan.
- What should I be nervous about
Ethan?
I'm the one offering that bum a
lifeline.
- Okay, Dad, you're
going to have to show him
the new you or he's never
gonna take that job.
- He needs a new him more
than I need a new me.
Honey, can you make a
stop on your way over?
- Dad, if I do, I'll be late.
- Right.
That will get her started.
All right, not to worry.
Big kiss, love you.
- Muscle Beach.
- Hey, Pop, are you
winning?
- Winning is for cheaters.
- Pop, I need a favor.
Can you get some matzo for
Peggy?
- It is already Passover!
They will double the price!
- Yeah, I will pay you back,
Pop.
- You should have planned ahead,
Ira.
- Yeah, I know, I know.
I didn't.
- You got to have a plan.
Or what happens when
they poison the water,
and you don't have a gas mask?
- What are you talking about?
That doesn't make any sense.
- Sense?
Did it make sense when the Nazis
said,
"You look dirty, you
should take a shower."
"Use a lot of soap.
don't forget your towel."
- Never mind, Pop.
I will call Jen.
- Men who love women who would
rather
check their email, when we
return.
- Stuckman.
- Jen, this is your father.
- Dad, we will be on time, okay?
- Listen, I need you
to pick up some matzo.
- Oh, really. First Seder in
three years
and your wife forgot the matzo?
- Please?
Come on, I am trying to make
this work.
- Why don't you get one of
your real kids to get it?
- That is not fair.
- Every store is going
to be sold out already!
- I am sure you can find one
box.
- The commercial is
ending, Dad, I got to work.
- Jen, we are counting on you!
- How long have you known Amy?
Because as I understand it
this was a passionate marriage
before
email entered the picture.
- Room six.
- Do you love me so much?
- What is wrong?
- I just want you to know that I
completely missed lunch today.
And when I finally found
these last two boxes,
this old lady, she comes
up to me and she says,
"Excuse me.
I need those for Passover."
And so I said, "So do I, sugar."
And she goes, "This is
the bread of affliction,
my dear, we don't eat it with
sugar."
- Oh, my God.
- What is wrong?
- How long have we been
together?
That is your best Jewish?
- Ira, no.
I love how I look in this
picture.
Put your father's picture
somewhere else.
- On Passover, my father's
picture goes here.
- This is not your house,
Ira, it is our house,
and certainly not your father's.
- Since when are you paying the
mortgage?
- I pay, I pay.
- Behold, the new me remains
clam.
- Absolutely not.
If it has to go some place&
- Peg, it is your daughter.
- Well, that's is your son.
- Yeah, yeah,
you always say that.
- Once we get in there,
there's no turning back.
This is our last chance.
- All right, all
right.
Zeke.
- Well, it is
temporary.
- Jennifer.
- Oh, hi, Dad.
Peggy.
How is every little thing?
- Hey, Jen.
- Hi, Dad.
So, this is Grace.
- Hi.
We brought the matzo.
- We dropped it, but you don't
need all
the pieces intact, do you,
Peggy?
- Well, it is preferable, dear.
We didn't expect you so early.
- Come on in.
- Actually, we are right on
time.
- And so are we.
So are we.
So are we.
- Hi!
- There is
one of the half brothers,
and this is Grandpa!
- Not kosher for Passover.
- Since when do we give a crap?
- Excuse us.
Come on.
- Let go of the boy!
- Let go of me!
- You first!
- I heard you skipped class.
- That is a lie!
- You moved the picture of your
brothers and sister for a pizza?
- It is not just for a pizza.
- It is a better spot, Pop.
Come on, go inside.
Go ahead.
- I love that picture.
- You, hey, move it.
Come on, move it.
- The table is not even set yet.
When do we eat?
- We are doing everything
differently this year.
Come see.
- That is too bad, because
last time we all got together,
it was such a treat.
- My reflux is starting up
again, Zeke.
don't test me.
Were you hanging out with
your druggie friends?
- No. Are you sure it is your
reflux, because your doctor&?
- It is reflux!
Why are you changing the
subject?
- Because I don't want you to
die!
Dad, I didn't skip class today.
Now, do you want a sample or
not?
I got stage fright.
- Yeah go ahead.
- Lionel!
I got a lot this time.
There.
And the top one is the best!
Seven sevens!
- Seven here.
Seven.
Seven here.
- It is an authentic Passover
lamb
on a spit, just like Moses had.
- It smells delicious.
- It smells like impaled baby
sheep.
- I don't have to hope,
I know it will turn blue.
- Justin, Justin, who is
the senior publicist here?
- Whoa, you look hot!
- I don't care that it is
synthetic.
It looks like an animal product!
Hello! It is a leopard print!
No, Justin, she is not
going to wear a black suit!
She got botox for this,
and she is going to
wear something that shows her
tits!
- Hey, princess, how are you?
- Hi!
- It turned blue, you are clear.
- I told you!
- You are the master of all
galaxies!
- Grandpa, this is level one.
- Hi.
- Nikki.
- Lionel.
How are you?
- Hey, give me a hug. I want to
feel your
new boobs on the back of my
neck.
- Can it, Zeke.
- Dad, he should not
direct that energy at me,
but it is perfectly normal.
- Zeke, do you masturbate
regularly?
- What?
Nikki!
- It is very important
boys his age masturbate
regularly and not feel guilty
about it.
- Jen, hi!
- Hi!
- Happy Passover!
How are you?
- This must be Grace.
Hi.
- And I brought the matzo.
You must be Nikki.
- Enchanted.
It is so great to finally
see Jen in a relationship.
Look at you two!
Listen, if you guys ever
have bed death issues
I can get the Better Sex
series, Lesbian edition.
It is half price.
Very hot girl on girl action.
- Oh, well, see, thanks, but we
prefer
woman on woman action Nikki.
- Me, too, sis.
Get me one of those tapes.
- Well, this zit you
met at the door is Zeke,
and this is Lionel.
- Lionel is an idiot savant.
- Really?
- He is not an idiot savant.
- We aren't exactly sure what
his special talent is but
I think it has something to
do with the number seven.
- No!
- What?
- We will be eating dinner soon.
- When?
His lordship is late.
Nikki and I are starving.
- This hasn't been koshered.
- Since when are we kosher?
- Yeah, since when?
- Since I said so.
- don't worry, Princess.
I run the world's fastest Seder.
- The world's fastest Seder.
I should live so long!
- What is that?
- Oh, Ethan!
It is Ethan!
- Baruch Ata Adonai Eloheinu
Melech
ha'olem asher kidshanu
bemitzvotav
vitzivanu likboa mezuzah.
- Are you out of your fucking
mind?
- Your mezuzah was no good.
I got you a kosher scroll.
Happy Passover, Papa!
Hello, Ma.
- Hi!
- Nikki.
- Ethan.
Now you are going for
the whole get-up, huh?
- The Rebbe says, "Look
righteous, feel righteous."
Jen.
- Hi, Ethan.
So, this is Grace.
- A.k.a. the matzo bearer.
- Sorry, I can't touch a
woman unless she is related.
- What, is that like a rule or
something?
That is so rude.
- Yeah, not to mention
arbitrary.
- Leave him alone, he's a good
Jew.
- And what, I am a bad Jew?
- Ethan!
- Grandpa!
- Oh, that is a beautiful hat.
But why do you got to look so
Jewish?
When the Nazis come,
they're going to take
the black-hats first.
- You got a hell of a nerve
pounding nails into my house.
- Dad, the mezuzah will
protect your body and soul
twenty-four seven, free of
charge.
Mom?
- Yes?
- Did you get the paper plates?
- Paper plates, in my house?
Let me show you what I did.
- Hold it, hold it.
You think because some Moonie
Rebbe
tells you to put on a Hasid suit
you can take a hammer to my
house
and tell me to relax?
Hey Ethan.
You haven't learned a goddamn
thing
since our last Seder.
There is no product, Ethan!
You are going to be in
the toilet in six months!
- That is old economy thinking,
Dad!
I made more money last month
than
you made in your entire life!
I don't need your dinosaur
advice!
- Excuse me, you son of a bitch?
- Oh, now you are going
to call Mom a bitch?
- Get out of my house!
Get out of my house!
- Dad!
I just hope you have learned not
to
smash the Seder plate, Dad.
It is the holiest object
in the Jewish home.
- don't start with me, Ethan.
You got religious because
you lost all your money.
Maybe this Hasid crap works
in bankruptcy court, huh?
- Ira, you promised.
- Yes, I did, Peg.
Yes, I did.
I got news for you, Ethan.
Your life is about to change.
Starting tomorrow&
- Mrs. Shtuckman?
- Yes?
- Mrs. Shtuckman, tent is ready.
- Oh, fantastic!
- Wait, wait.
And who the hell are you?
- Rafi.
- Rafi, this is my son, Ethan.
He is a good Jew.
- Sorry?
Oh, I don't speak Hebrew.
- Very interesting to meet you.
Mrs. Shtuckman&
- I am Mr. Shtuckman.
I mean, Stuckman.
You better scram.
You are going to be
late for your own Seder.
- No, no Seder.
I not religious.
- Smart Jew.
Bye bye.
- Ira, shush.
- don't shush me in front of the
help.
- Dad, you should get that
checked out.
Mom, is Vanessa inside?
- She is out back.
You made such a beautiful tent.
Why don't you just stay
and have dinner with us?
- I really grateful, Mrs.
Shtuckman&
- Yeah, I bet you can't wait
for that shower, huh, pal?
Here is twenty bucks.
Happy Passover.
- I stay.
- Great.
Stay.
- Mrs. Shtuckman, I can have a
shirt?
- Follow me.
- Thank you.
- Have them pick us up in
a gas/electric hybrid limo
and Justin, no white limos.
Okay, then, we are a go.
Bye.
- Sorry, only immediate family.
- I thought you were just
going to services and stuff.
You are Hasidic?
- If the suit fits&
- The suit fits nicely.
- You look snappy too, Vanessa.
- Snappy?
Well, I am wearing this
for an event later.
I thought I would have to
fight you off all night.
- No.
- Ethan.
Too bad.
I looked up the law on cousins.
Ethan, we can't.
- You say that but you never
mean it.
- Come down, you two, we are
starting!
- Your mommy is calling.
- Vanessa.
- Stop it.
We are cousins.
- Once removed.
And that is why we can't even
kiss hello.
- Okay, Hasid boy.
But if I turn up the heat
you will take off the hat.
- Everyone, we are
starting!
- We are already here!
- Cousin!
- Hi!
- Nice dress.
You know, I wore the same
one once for a client
erectile instability.
He was stable that day.
- Hi, Ira.
- Hey, you are wearing my shirt!
- Yes.
- Look at all this crap.
- This "crap" is what our
ancestors had Seders in.
- Yeah, and we descended from
monkeys.
Maybe we should have a banana
Seder.
- Ira, this matters to me.
Sweetheart, did you think
about what I asked you?
- Yeah, Mom, I believe he's
going to be nice and all,
but I still can't come.
The house is not kosher.
- Kosher?
You want kosher?
It will be kosher enough for
Moses.
- So Ethan has gone religious,
I got to eat in a teepee?
- Dad, new you?
- Yeah.
Hey, Ethan, we all expected
you to come back here
on your hands and knees
begging for forgiveness.
But you know what?
I don't need an apology.
The new me is magnanimous.
Matter of fact, I am going
to fix your life for you.
Just the way I did Zeke's.
I got that yutz off drugs.
- What is a yutz?
- It just so happens there is an
opening in Stuckman Ornaments.
- Dad, you make Christmas
ornaments.
- So what?
You didn't object when they paid
for
your food, your clothes&
- Ira, this is not the time.
- Ethan, let me ask you a
question.
How do you get by?
- I do whatever the Rebbe asks.
- How much you get paid?
- I still have my investments.
- Your investments, huh?
You don't think I know that you
are taking money from your
mother?
i.e. my money!
- Dad, Lionel is getting upset.
- All right.
I am going to sweeten the deal.
I know you need to make these
adjustments in your life.
I am going to give you your own
secretary,
an office, the works.
You start tomorrow.
- I would be surprised.
- Can we just table
this and go in the tent,
and have a warm family Seder,
okay?
- You, get me the antacid.
- Sure, take it out on the yutz.
"I got the yutz off drugs."
Prick.
Prick.
I am a light your inner wick.
- I can't sit with my legs
crossed for the whole Seder.
Peggy: Stretch them out, Ira.
There is room.
Nikki: At least you have the
camel saddle.
How do I sit up straight?
Ethan : It is Passover.
You are supposed to recline.
Mom, beautiful job.
Kosher enough for Moses.
Jennifer: Could have used a
heater.
Artur: don't worry, Jenny,
I got a space blanket in the
suitcase.
Zeke: Dad.
Peggy: Gentlemen, yarmulke.
Ira: This I know something
about.
Nowhere in the Torah does
it
say I have to wear a yarmulke.
Artur : It is traditional.
You should not take your
hat off for nobody but God.
Vanessa: I thought it was
because God is over you.
Ethan: God is not over
you, God is everywhere.
We are in God.
Ethan: The yarmulke
just protects the mind,
because it separates us from the
animals.
Jennifer: Okay, then why
don't women wear them?
Women should wear them as
well.
Ethan: - Well&
Grace: - I will take one.
Nikki: For Dad.
Peggy: Ira&
Zeke: Dad?
Ira: Fastest Seder on Earth.
Page seven.
Here is the Seder plate.
Peggy: Not as nice as my
mother's,
but we all know what happened to
that one.
Ethan : Grace, the
Seder plate is holy because
these foods, they tell our
story.
Grace: Sort of like the last
supper.
Ethan: The last supper was a
Seder.
Grace: Get out?
Ira : Here is the
egg, here is the bone&
Peggy: Real lamb, not a chicken
neck.
Ira: The greens, the charoset&
Peggy: Made with kosher
wine.
Ira : And the horseradish.
Peggy : Which I bought
extra strong
because some of us have
a lot to atone for.
Ira : - Peg, just
light the damn candles.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God Ruler of the universe,
who has sanctified us
with your commandments
and commanded us to kindle
the festival lights.
Blessed are you&"
- Wait, Mom, there is a
beautiful melody
for the holiday blessing.
It goes like, "Baruch ata&"
- No melody.
- This is Vanessa.
Hi, sweetie.
It is my client.
- Unbelievable.
- I am here, no problem.
- Page seven.
All right, lift your cups.
"Blessed are You, etc.
for the fruit of the vine.
Blessed are You etc.
for the seasons of joy."
Cheers.
- Stop, nobody drink.
Dad, these are prayers.
They matter.
- Ethan, when you have a job, a
house,
a table, you can run the Seder.
Until then, just shut up.
- Dad, these words can transform
you.
If you want a new you do this
right and it will happen.
Look how wise the Haggadah is.
It says to repeat the holiday
blessing,
and that is the second chance to
sing.
- Baruch ata&
- No singing.
- Your brother Imre of blessed
memory, oh,
he could sing like a cantor.
- Moving on.
- Now, the commandment
is to drink, not sip.
- Right on.
- Next is hand washing.
Let us just rub them a little.
- No, this year we wash.
That is why I got these silver
bowls.
- Naturally.
Kosher Seder means shopping for
new stuff.
- Guys, the Seder has power.
It is not just about
our ancestors escaping
from the Pharaoh in Egypt.
It is about us escaping
from impatience and anger,
and envy from our own inner
Pharaohs.
- Ethan focus on your
own inner selfishness
and stop interrupting.
- It is a commandment to
interrupt.
That is how we learn.
- It is more of a commandment to
read
the Haggadah in Hebrew
like I did in my house.
- Pop, this is my house.
- What house?
It is a tent.
Why don't you do things the
right way?
Your brother David of blessed
memory
he could read Hebrew like a
rabbi.
- Page eight.
Dip the parsley in salt water.
- Sorry.
We need this photo op,
even though I am playing
it like they need us but
now it turns out there is
an aquarium there and my client
won't go where there
is captive fish, and I&
- Vanessa, dip.
- Sorry.
- "Blessed are you, etc.
for the food of the earth."
Eat.
- Now, food is a miracle.
Really taste it.
- It is freaking parsley.
- Imagine if food didn't
come from the ground?
Imagine if you had to
climb a mountain for it,
or swim to get it?
- Or have to earn it?
You would starve, Ethan.
- Dad, thank you for
putting food on our table.
- Thank you.
Now that is a miracle.
- But why have a Seder
if all you are going
to do is rush through it?
- Because that is what Jews do.
Page nine.
Here is the matzo.
Here is the middle matzo.
I break it in half, take the
larger piece
and I wrap it.
This is the Afikomen.
Later when I go wash my
hands, the kids will hide it.
And after dinner I
ransom it back from them,
we can end this whole thing.
No.
The way you are supposed
to do it is you hide it,
and the kids find it.
- Peg, that is your way.
And we all know why we don't do
it that way anymore.
- I found it!
I win the prize!
- Where did you find that?
- Where you hid it.
- Really?
- Yeah.
- You little cheater.
- Leave the boy alone.
- I was only trying to help!
You hid it way too well.
Nobody could find it.
- That was fifteen years ago!
- We could switch off
who hides it each year.
- Shut up.
- You don't have to talk to him
like that.
- Page ten.
- Dad, if you apologized
to Zeke right now,
a spark of divine light would be
released.
- Page ten.
- God's light hides in this
world.
But when one soul reaches out to
another a
spark of that light flies back
to God.
And releasing those sparks
releasing those
sparks is the whole
purpose of the human race.
- Page ten.
Going around the table.
Profound intellectual
comments not required.
Vanessa.
- "This is the bread of
affliction.
Let all who are hungry&"
- Don't you dare.
- This is Vanessa.
No, we don't want the aquarium
moved,
we want the fish freed!
- Oh, Jesus Christ.
- From those who anger
us, we learn patience.
- Okay, Ethan, I admit it.
You are a great teacher.
- Thank you.
- This is for real?
You really believe this garbage?
- Of course it is real.
God is great.
- And how do you know this God
exists?
- I don't.
But I want to believe,
so I cultivate that desire.
And the funny thing is
the more I want God,
the more I feel God.
- That is not Judaism.
That is new age psycho-babble.
- Works for me.
- No, no, Ethan.
Judaism doesn't work for
you, you work for it.
Your people survived by the
sweat of their
brows not by "cultivating
desire".
- You are saying that God
doesn't help?
- Dipping into your mother's
pocketbook, that is God's help?
- Problem solved.
- they're freeing the fish?
- We are very big.
What did I miss?
- I asked you a question, Ethan.
- Ira if I want to give my son a
gift
because I love him, I will.
Now why don't you just move it
forward
and I will check on the lamb.
- And I don't love him, huh?
I didn't send him to
Stanford for three years?
And I would have sent him for a
fourth so
he could get his degree
if he hadn't bailed!
- Oh, enough already!
When do we eat?
- Your inner Pharaoh anger,
Dad, at losing the bragging
rights to a son who
graduated from Stanford?
- You know what, Ethan?
That is obnoxious.
This man raised you!
He sacrificed for you!
- Do you really want a part of
this?
- Of what, of your sanctimonious
b.s.?
Go ahead, I am right here.
Bring it on!
- Your "career" doesn't exactly
send sparks back to God.
- Yeah, well, at least she
doesn't mooch from her parents.
- Do you even know what I do,
Ethan?
Do you?
I have a client.
His face disfigured at
childhood.
He can't even look at women
because he's so sure that they
look at him
and they see a monster.
So together, we follow a
fourteen week protocol,
and the first seven we just
talk.
Then I start to make him feel
like an
actual human being who is worthy
of love.
I mean, do you have any
idea what that means to him?
Do you?
- For a price, Nikki, for a
price!
- What?
So what, okay?
Doctors make money, therapists
make money, you know.
We all make money helping
people, Ethan.
And soon I am going to be
helping a
whole lot more people making
more money,
and I am not going to
be ashamed then either.
- What are you going to do?
Are you going to hire other
sex surrogates and go public?
- No, I am not!
I am launching a remotely
controlled
cybersexual device for the
home-bound.
- Oh, you are going to be rich!
- Yeah, I know, I know.
Because all of those
people in those chat rooms,
typing with one hand.
You know, Sexologizer 2.0 could
be huge.
- There is so many one-handed
people in the world?
- Wait, I got to tell you, I
don't recall Sexologizer 1.0.
- It was my partner's idea.
Because people, they
will think that we have
already sold millions, so.
- Who is we?
- It is confidential at this
juncture.
- You are backing a cyber
company?
- Real people, real products.
Not like your "new economy
paradigm".
- It is not enough Nicole
is a sex worker now
you are her pimp?
- This will allow her to
transition from
surrogate to entrepreneur.
- Surrogate?
Entrepreneur?
She has sex for money!
- Oh, my God, Mom!
Oh, my God, Mom!
Like you are so perfect?
You bringing your big
gigolo here to Seder?
Parading him around in
front of your husband!
- Do you see how your little
princess speaks to me?
- Shoe fits, Peg.
- You allow girl speak to
Mrs. Shtuckman like this?
- Why don't you just scram, pig.
- Pig?
- This is a kosher Seder.
- You insult the wrong man,
Shtuckman.
- Oh, my gosh!
- Make apology to Mrs. Shtuckman
and me.
- Get away from me.
- Make apology, Shtuckman!
- Stop it!
Lionel is getting upset!
- Ira, stand up to him like a
man!
- Dad did it again!
- You hit me with most
holiest object in house,
you son of a bitch?
- Ira!
His heart!
His heart!
- Oh, my God, Dad!
- Let Grace through, she is a
nurse!
- I do laser hair removal.
- Go, come on!
Is it a heart attack?
I told him to make that
appointment!
- I can't tell.
His pulse feels okay.
Is he on any medication?
- No, he hasn't seen the doctor
yet.
- I don't know what is wrong.
- I drugged him.
- Ira, can you see my eyes?
- What did you just say?
- I said, I drugged Dad!
- You what?
- I slipped a tab of
ecstasy into his antacid.
It is really good stuff, should
give him
a new perspective.
- Oh, my God!
- You little bastard!
- Dad!
- You give me your goddamn
drugs?!
I am going to give you
some goddamn misery!
- It burns!
- Guys, I think Dad is okay now.
- It is all right.
You are all right.
Breathe.
- It is all right, it is all
right.
In the camps, horseradish
was like ice cream.
- It is all right, it is
all right, Mrs. Shtuckman.
It is a big family Seder.
It is normal.
- It is not all right.
His pupils aren't responding.
- My pupils aren't responding?
- Ira, you will be fine.
The pupil thing is normal.
- What do you know?
You aren't the nurse.
- Ira, listen to me.
You will roll for a few hours,
and then you will be fine.
The only thing that can
turn those hours into
a bad experience is fear.
Look at me, Ira.
There is nothing to fear.
Do you understand?
- Are you a druggie, too?
- I am a celebrity publicist.
I know how to handle a drug
overdose.
- What?
I overdosed?
- No.
No, not with one tab.
- Vanessa, you aren't
going to leave me, right?
- Absolutely not.
Let me explain to you what
rolling is.
It is like a roller coaster.
Up, down, up again.
Touchy, feely, connected.
This is Vanessa.
They got Jennifer Lopez?
They don't need us!
- Vanessa, wait!
You said you were not going to
leave!
- Better buckle up, Dad.
- I wish I lived on your planet.
- Seven dwarfs.
- No, I mean, you don't
get upset unless we do.
Mom doesn't spit every
time you come in the room.
- Nympho daughter?
Druggie son.
Another Seder ruined.
- Peggy, I could die here.
- Ira, you aren't going to die.
- What do you know?
You are a hair plucker.
- Welcome to the family, Grace.
- Okay, bathroom break.
- Right.
right.
Okay.
Oh, shoot, I am losing the
signal.
They have J-Lo now, they don't
have to
free the fish.
I am sure it is a four-star
aquarium.
Look, look, look.
I will get you in the
picture with her, I promise.
No, not the fish, J-Lo!
Hello?
Hello?
I hate A minus celebrities.
- Hate fuels the sinful impulse.
- Isn't that lust?
- Lust too.
- Ethan, you are sinning right
now.
- I am not doing anything.
- You are leering at me.
- I am merely admiring.
God created animals in ascending
order,
and He made women last.
You are holy.
- Ethan, you are lusting.
- Fine, I will look away.
- Here, let me help you.
Why don't you just look into my
eyes.
Or you can look down if you want
to.
- I don't want to.
- Now you are lying and lusting.
- Grounded?
No, no, no.
Your punishment is going
to be a work of art.
- Masterpiece.
- Wow, Mom and Dad on the same
page.
- You insolent little&
- I told you don't hit the boy!
You think I hit David or Imre?
- You hit me.
- You deserved it.
- This is awesome.
What are you looking at?
Peggy, it is freezing in here.
Look at me, I am freezing.
- Jenny, I will get a space
blanket from the suitcase.
- No, it is all right.
Thank you, Grandpa.
But really, I would like a
sweater.
Peggy, do you have a sweater?
- Hall closet.
- Thanks.
- This is her last Seder here.
- This is my last Seder ever.
- Seventh inning.
- What kind of guy actually
marries a sex surrogate?
You know how many partners I
have had?
Well, an open-minded kind of
guy, right?
But those kind of guys come with
their
own excess baggage.
- Don't walk the batter.
- Why do I let her do this to
me?
I am a good person.
I have sex with cripples, for
God's sake!
- Lucky seven!
- I feel much better.
Thank you.
How is Dad doing?
- Never better.
- Really?
Is he tripping?
- Usual tyranny.
But you know, he seems scared.
- That doesn't sound good.
- Well, it depends on your
perspective.
- You know what?
We try to be very sweet to
you, and you come in here
acting like this big victim
because you grew up in
a smaller house than us.
- First of all, it was
a one bedroom apartment!
Which it would't have been if
dad hadn't
left my mom for your creepy mom.
- You are a bitch!
- You are a privileged slut!
- No, I am happy and
interesting.
You?
You aren't.
- I am not happy and
interesting.
That is it!
- Where were we?
- We were about to head back.
- No, no, we were just about to&
- Vanessa, look, I can't.
- But we already kissed.
- It is against the law.
- I looked it up.
- Jewish law!
- But I feel a holy spark down
here.
- Vanessa, no!
Please!
- Fine!
But it will never happen again,
Ethan.
You hear me?
Never.
- Fuck it.
I will atone at Yom Kippur.
- What is this?
Oh, sexy.
I have never seen that.
- It is supposed to remind me
not to sin.
- You mean like this?
- I feel something.
It is like, I am angry, but I
don't know
what I am angry at.
- That is not the X.
That is you.
- No, no.
I am angry because&
I lost it.
- Maybe it is better I run
the Seder, Mrs. Shtuckman.
- Not in my tent.
- Is my tent.
- My yard, my rent, my tent!
- Way to lay it down, Dad.
- "Way to lay it down, Dad."
- Page eleven.
Zeke.
- Why do I always have to
read the four questions?
- Because you are the youngest.
- I am not.
Lionel is.
So it should rotate like
every other paragraph.
- Then it is still your turn.
- Fine, but if it was not&
- Read the damn questions before
I rip
your tongue out of your mouth.
- I should have given you two
tabs,
you are such a prick.
- What did you just say?
- "How is this night different
from all other nights?
On all other nights, we eat
either
leavened bread or matzo.
Why on this night only matzo?
On all other nights, we
eat all kinds of herbs.
Why on this night only bitter
herbs?
On all other nights, we
don't dip our food at all.
Why on this night do we dip it
twice?
On all other nights, we
sit upright or reclining.
Why on this night only
reclining?"
- Ethan.
Is there an inner meaning
to the four questions?
- No.
- Oh, really?
I would have thought that there
was&
- No!
- "We were slaves to Pharaoh in
Egypt&"
- Ethan, no wisdom to share?
- Yeah, Ethan.
Unleash some sparks.
- The key word in the last part
was&
- "Length", isn't it?
Discussing it at length?
I mean, really, guys haven't we
been here
long enough already?
- No.
- No, we have.
We have, okay?
And at this point, we aren't
going to eat until midnight.
- The key word is not "length".
It is "we".
We are enslaved.
Coveting the things we can't
have.
Lusting&
- For dinner, growing impatient.
I feel you.
I got it, dude.
Your turn.
- "Rabbis Akiba, Joseph, Tarfon
and Elazar
ben Azaryah were celebrating the
Seder.
- Pay attention!
You think David was daydreaming
at Seders?
- No.
- No?
- ."&the 'days of
your life'
refers to this world&"
&but 'all the days of your life"
refers to
the time of the Messiah."
These guys spent the whole
night studying one adjective.
- That doesn't mean we have to.
- It is not about the adjective.
You study it to learn about
yourself.
- Dad, what happened to
the world's fastest Seder?
Dad?
Jesus Christ.
Look at him, he's tripping like
a hippie!
- It is all here and now.
- What is here and now, Ira?
- This Seder, Pop's
Seder, the Sages' Seder.
Oh, Peggy.
You have created a beautiful
here and now.
The fabrics, the cushions&
The saddle.
You did great.
- Thank you very much, Ira.
Of course, you are on drugs.
- And all the other tents.
All the tents of all the Jews of
all time.
- Goddamn, Dad, you are
tripping.
- No, listen.
We are in the desert.
We just left Egypt.
We don't know where we are
going.
But we are here now, and God is
near.
- He is wasting our time!
- I think he's cool.
Cool, cool, cool.
- I think he's Moses.
- Guys, this is Dad.
He has lots of sides to him you
don't see.
- Tonight he's Moses the
most important person
in the story, but he's never
mentioned in
the Haggadah because
he's the one leading us
out of Egypt now.
Dad is Moses, and I think
he's finally feeling God.
- Oh, yeah.
- You know what, sweetie?
We need to move on.
Okay.
"Four times the Torah tells us:
'And you shall tell your
child.'"
"From this we infer that there
are
four kinds of children."
Just like our family.
"One is wise."
"One is wicked."
"One is simple."
"And one doesn't know how to
ask."
- Peggy, we have got five kids
here.
- We do. I am so sorry, dear,
really.
I am sorry.
- It is all right.
- I am going to get some more
wine.
Rafi, read.
- "The wise son says,
What are the laws and statutes
that God
has commanded you?"
"Instruct him in the laws of
Passover;
that after eating the Passover
sacrifice
we don't eat anything else."
- That is the Afrikomen,
so even if you do something
horrible at the Seder you
still leave with a blessing.
- Jennifer?
- Okay, Peggy arranged
the seating so that I
would get this paragraph.
- She didn't do that.
Why would she do that?
- Yeah.
It must have been God.
- Jen.
Jen.
Look, the wicked son is the
best one because look at us.
We are all wicked, but he asks
because he
wants us to be good.
When one soul reaches out to
another,
a spark of that light flies back
to God.
- "The wicked son&"
Daughter.
"&says, 'What does this
service mean to you?'
"To you and not to him.
Thus she excludes herself from
her people.
And had he been there when we
left Egypt,
he would not have been saved.
Okay, see?
He asks and he gets left out.
- Jen, you aren't left out.
You are here.
It is great.
- Babe, your dad is reaching
out.
- Babe, my dad is stoned.
Just read, okay?
- Jen, I know you are
hungry, so I am going to
skip a few pages, okay?
- Dad, don't make this about me,
okay?
Everybody here is hungry.
- Jen, I want to do this for
you.
Because I was not there for you
when
you were growing up.
I am so sorry.
- Ira, it is about time.
- There is a new me in town.
Tings is going to change.
- Okay, see, no.
No.
Tings is not going to change.
You blew it a long time ago,
Dad.
And you can't just, "I
am sorry, I am sorry
and make everything all right.
- Yeah, but I can try.
- Yeah, well, we will
see what happens when
the drugs wear off, okay?
- It hasn'thing to do with
drugs.
Well, maybe a little.
But I promise you, I am
never going to forget this.
Raise your cups.
"Not once, nor twice&"
- Dad, we should all say
this and with great joy.
- "Not once nor
twice was our destruction
planned but in every
generation our enemies rise
up to destroy us.
Yet the Holy One, Blessed
be He who delivers
us from their hands."
- It could have been more
joyful.
- What joyful?
This inner pharaoh, love
me, love you business.
Nonsense!
When you thank God for
deliverance, you mean it!
The Egyptians only wanted to
enslave us, but the Philistines
wanted us dead!
So did the Babylonians and the
Greeks!
So did the Romans!
Then came the Inquisition of
Spain,
the pogroms in Russia.
The Nazis in Germany who
put numbers on my arm!
Killed Ira's mama and his two
brothers,
David and Imre.
And his sister little Monic
who made the sun shine.
This is the history of
the world, my friends!
When you thank God for saving
you, you better mean it!
Because if the children,
and the children's
children of all those
bastards could kill us here
and now, they would!
- Grandpa, I don't think that is
what
the Rebbe meant by great joy.
- Nuts to the Rebbe!
- Grandpa, the enemies in every
generation
are the forces that hold us
back from becoming the man
or woman that we want to be.
Anger, prejudice, lust!
- Those are feelings!
The bastards are real!
- Feelings are real,
Grandpa, and they lead to all
kinds of problems, even war.
The Rebbe says be joyful,
not just because God saves us
but because joy frees
us from those forces.
I am talking about real joy,
deep joy!
If we could all tap into
that for just one moment,
we would be a light unto
the nations and that
would be the end of war.
- Fantasy!
- "And we cried out to
the God of our fathers,
and He heard our voice and
remembered his covenant
with Abraham, Isaac and Jacob."
- I don't need a drug hug!
- Pop, we have never hugged.
- What hug?
We are men!
- I don't even remember
shaking hands with you.
- The day I made you a
partner, I shook your hand.
And you slapped me with it!
- I gave you twelve months
notice.
- Six generations of
Stuckmans made fine hats,
but not you!
- Pop, Kennedy killed the hat.
Nobody wears them anymore.
- Baloney.
Look at me, look at
Ethan, and look at you.
You make Christmas balls.
- I make Christmas ornaments
because
the people who hid me
during the war gave me
one as a present.
Pop.
I am sorry about the hat shop.
I know you loved it.
But I am only talking about hugs
here.
Zeke.
Zeke.
I am sorry I never hugged you.
- Or listen to me.
Or respect me.
- Oh, no, I respect you, kid.
Maybe now I understand why you
enjoy your drugs so much.
But hey, listen.
They are dangerous, and I am
going to
still punish you for it.
- Do not feel you have to.
- Nikki.
Look, I haven'thing
against your profession.
I mean, I know you help people.
But now that you are thinking
about
changing your career maybe
your mother is right.
- Are you trying to back
out of Sexologizer, Daddy?
- Oh, come on, sweetheart.
You can do better than the sex
business.
- Okay.
- Jennifer.
- Ethan.
- Jennifer.
I am so sorry.
I am so sorry about so many
things.
I am sorry that I never showed
you
how much I love you.
And maybe if I had, you would
not be&
- Gay?
I would not be gay, Dad?
This is unbelievable!
You still think it is
your fault that I am gay.
All right, listen carefully.
Gay is what I am, that is it.
It hasn'thing to do with you.
- Yeah, but I was not there
for you like the others.
- And thank God!
Dad, they are way more
screwed up than I am!
You have got a drug addict, a
prostitute.
This guy, God bless him, he's
tragic.
And your precious Ethan
was boning your cousin in
Dad's study not one hour ago.
- Dude.
Nice.
- I built this tent for you.
I bought plates for you.
I roasted a goddamn lamb
because you are so holy.
And you have sex with my cousin?
- I am sorry.
- In my house?!
- I am sorry.
- So, Ethan notice any sparks
floating back to God while
you were committing incest?
- It is not incest!
- Really?
Cousins is not incest?
- Once removed.
It is a gray area.
- I knew that Hasid junk was an
act.
- It is not an act, okay?
I slipped.
That is part of the process.
It is not like I had an
affair because my wife
would not have me, Dad!
- That is a lie.
- Really?
Mom?
- It is a lie!
It never happened!
And that thing that never
happened never
happened a long time ago.
It never happened.
- One of you go!
- They don't deserve you, Peggy.
- Lousy supermarket macaroons.
She buys the same ones every
year.
- Thank you.
It is funny, in Italy
when they say macaroons,
it is like macaroni.
It means spaghetti.
Every time in America, they
say, "Do you want macaroons?"
I say no, because I hate
spaghetti.
I mean not spaghetti bologanse,
but a little spaghetti&
- Whose turn is it?
Okay, good, I will go.
- Oh, no, no, no, honey don't&
- Lift your cups.
- Please don't do this.
- Guys, you are onto
something here something your
family needs.
Go with it.
Jesus said, "Blessed are those
who
weep for they will laugh."
- Honey, it is the wrong crowd.
- Jesus was Jewish, honey.
He got it from Ecclesiastes,
okay?
Now, lift your cups.
- Excuse me, but where do you
get off
telling us what to do?
- I am the matzo-bearer.
Without me, there would be no
matzo!
Now, girl, lift your damn cups!
Ira?
"Wherefore it is our duty to
thank, to praise to honor,
to glorify to exalt, to
commend, to bless, to extol,
and to acclaim him who
performed all these miraculous
deeds for our fathers, and for
us.
He brought us forth from
bondage to freedom from
anguish to joy, from darkness
to great light from servitude
to redemption.
Let us therefore sing
before him a new song!
Praise to the Lord!
Hallelujah!"
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
- Hallelujah.
Ethan.
Sing that song, that new song!
- Forget it.
- Honey, I think we should go.
- Oh, no.
No, we need this.
We need this for us.
- Ira.
I kissed Rafi like I haven't
kissed anyone in years.
Because you aren't the
man I married anymore.
Ethan, you want to talk about
Pharaohs?
You are my Pharaoh.
All of you.
I have been a slave to this
family for years, thirty years.
I have been feeding you, and
dressing you,
and driving you and
trying to keep the peace
and I failed at that.
Trying to make a loving
presentable family of all of you
and I failed at that, too.
So I am not sure when I will be
back.
No, no, no.
No, no.
- Mom, Mom, Mom!
Mom, don't say that stuff.
It is almost dinner.
You made it, we will love
it, and you will feel better.
- Mom, I am really
sorry about what I said.
I am really sorry!
- No, you aren't.
- Yes, I am!
- Mom, look.
There is no excuse for what I
did.
I am an ass.
- You had sex at a Seder
that I made for you!
- Mom, please!
- Mom, Mom, Mom!
- Peggy, I am sorry I said
anything.
- Please.
Jennifer, don't bother.
- No!
Daddy, please say something!
Dad, say something!
- What can I say?
She is right.
- Seven minutes.
- Okay, Mom, Mom, Mom!
- Seven minutes.
- Mom, listen to him!
- Okay, Mom, stay seven minutes!
- You are going to want to stay
for this.
I am&
- What did you say, baby?
- Oh, hell, I am not autistic.
- Dude!
Dude, you owe me a hundred
bucks!
- She is not here.
- You are such a dick.
- You are such a pussy.
- At least I am master of all
galaxies.
- So am I.
- Liar.
- Look.
- I will be master by tomorrow.
- Dude, no.
And if they knew how bad
you were at video games,
the gig would be up.
- Only one out of ten is a
savant.
- But Dad always says,
"Lionel is an idiot savant."
Mom just says you are
relatively high-functioning.
- I really am evil, huh?
- So come out.
- I can't just come out.
I got to find my way back
thanks to their years of
teamwork and doting attention.
- Hundred bucks says you blow
it before you are fifteen.
- I should have lost
that bet a long time ago.
I am sorry.
- And the doctors?
- They wanted to find something
wrong.
All of you did.
I just didn't talk at first, you
know?
I certainly was not normal.
And then you guys, you
are all such big talkers
that compared to you,
I seemed especially off.
And then the doctors,
they called it autism.
And I don't know, I just went
with it because I realized
that I would not catch Dad's
wrath like Zeke or Ethan or
get the curse of Mom like
Nikki, and I just shut my mouth,
and that was that.
Not to say it was a great
decision, it was a very,
very poor one, but I
figured out that I could
stop your fights with an
episode, and Mom you became
this champion for my
cause and for a while,
it was the only thing
that kept us a family.
Those were good things,
really good things.
What can I say but I am sorry,
guys.
- It's okay,
it's okay, it's okay.
- You goddamn liar!
Do you know what you have done
here?
The grief you have caused,
Lionel?
The goddamn grief!
Let me have it!
Let me have it!
- Dad!
Dad, please, this is awesome!
- Awesome?
No!
No, he's the devil!
- Okay, Dad, please just sit
down!
- And all of you!
All of you are out of your
minds!
This tent bullshit!
- I guess he's not Moses
anymore.
- Shut up!
- Ira, we're all a little
overwhelmed.
- Lionel.
Lionel.
What is with the sevens?
- Yeah, that was just to get the
receipts.
- And you need the receipts why?
- They have merchant numbers.
And I wrote a protocol for
credit card authorizers
so I could borrow and float
on the interval between
approval and the actual debit.
- You are a hacker?
- How much did you get?
- About a million five.
- Dude, you never told me that!
- You are a thief?
- Mom, it is a gray area.
But you and Dad keep the money
for all I put you through.
- What about the rest of us?
- You knew.
- Not about that!
- You know, I didn't know.
So if you want to invest
in Sexologizer, we could&
- No, Nikki, he doesn't.
- Mom, it was a joke.
- This money is going
to the Autism Society.
Period.
- Didn't I tell you?
Didn't I tell you he was a
genius?
My son, the genius.
I told you!
I told you, it had to do
with the number seven.
- Dad&
- &it hadn'thing to do&
- &with&
- &seven.
- Folks?
- "Holy land tent is
waterproof", Rafi?
- Oh, no, this is different,
the rain is different, it is&
Okay, I lied.
- Okay.
Waterlogged outside, dried out
inside.
- Do you have a pressure cooker?
- Paprika?
- Six, seven, eight, nine, ten.
Who did I miss?
- Wow, the room looks great!
- Thank you.
We work as one.
One hungry son of a bitch!
- Do you like the clothes I buy
you?
- Yeah, some of them.
- You must have felt so lonely.
- I have friends online.
There was Zeke.
- All right, let us refill the
glasses,
top off Elijah's cup.
That is for the prophet Elijah.
Later we will open the door for
him
and one of these years he'll
come in
and announce the day of the Lord
is here.
- I would settle for a pizza.
- I am going to wash my hands.
- We will hide the Afikomen.
- No, Peg.
We will do it your way.
I am going to hide the Afikomen,
the kids can find it later.
But Ethan you are still banned.
- That was fifteen years ago!
- What the hell are you humming
about?
- I am filling in for
Moses, and I am doing
a pretty good job.
- Moses?
You ain't done bupkis.
When the drugs wear off
Jen will still hate you,
Ethan won't take the job,
Peggy won't touch you
and Pop will still think you are
a putz.
- He forgot to hide it.
- Dad?
Dad, you with us?
- I thought he was down.
- It is a roller coaster.
- Dad?
Come on.
Okay, Dad, just look at your
plate.
For the sake of time, we set
up all the offerings already.
All we need to do is
bless and eat, all right?
Ready?
Dad, just eat what we tell you.
- Vanessa, read.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God, Ruler of the Universe
who has sanctified us with
commandments
and commanded us to eat matzo."
- Zeke.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God, Ruler of the Universe
who has sanctified us with
commandments
and commanded us to eat the
bitter herb."
- "This is what Rabbi
Hillel did in the time
of the Holy Temple;
He would combine the Passover
sacrifice,
matzo and bitter herb."
- Does anyone else get
constipated from all this matzo?
- Yes.
- All right.
That is that.
Mom.
Boys.
- Wait, wait.
Where are you going?
- Page twenty-eight, the Festive
Meal.
- Seconds, please.
- Save your appetite.
Peggy has got a phenomenal meal
in store.
- The gelfite fish is
kosher for Passover, Ethan.
I checked.
- The Rebbe says no
packaged foods on Passover.
- And what does the Rebbe say
about schtupping your cousin?
- What?
It is matzo ball soup.
- The Rebbe says&
- What could the Rebbe possibly
say
about matzo ball soup?
- He said when you put
matzo in water long enough,
it leavens.
- The food.
It has to do with the food!
- Mom!
It smells wonderful, Mom!
- I made the lamb.
We made the stew.
- Mom, how did you make the stew
so fast?
- Pressure cooker.
Jen's idea.
- Thank you very
much.
- This stew is very good.
The way Ira's mama used to make
it.
- What, Ethan?
- It is your old pressure
cooker, right?
Hey, Mom, it is not kosher.
- Ethan.
I am sorry that we made a
mistake but I really think
the holy thing to do would
be to eat the Festive Meal
along with your family,
including
your resurrected brother,
he'll tell you how good it is.
- Yeah, it is amazing, but
he's obviously trying to heed
a higher calling, okay?
- Shut up, Lionel.
- Ethan, why would God care what
you eat?
- God cares that I am trying
to do the right thing now.
Especially tonight.
- But it won't change the past.
- Let the religious do his way.
- Why has my dinner become
a boys-versus-girls debate?
- What does Moses say?
- Yeah, stick up for the boys,
Dad.
- Will you all submit to my
decision?
- Hey, look, I am not going
to eat the lamb, okay?
Please.
- I thought you were serious
when you called me Moses.
- No, it just served him at the
time.
- Ethan?
- I will submit to a fair
decision, okay?
- And the rest of you?
- Absolutely.
- Okay.
- Ethan wants to eat the
stew as much as anyone.
But he's willing to make a
sacrifice.
- Right on, Dad.
- No, Zeke, he's wrong.
Because there is no
religion on Earth that says
it is all right to hurt
your mother's feelings.
- Go, Moses.
- Go ahead, son, eat.
- I said I would submit
to a fair decision, Dad.
Yours is personal.
- Ethan.
- You are just steamed
I won't work for you.
- Is that what all of you heard?
- It doesn't matter what they
heard, Dad.
You want me to take over the
business, you know I won't,
and it pisses you off!
- Do I sound pissed off?
- Listen to me.
I am not going to make Santa
balls!
- Why do you mock something
that I have worked
all my life to give you?
- Because, Dad this night
aside, you are a miserable
old bastard and I don't want to
be you!
- Take that back!
Take it back, Ethan!
- No, Nikki, it is okay.
That is not my Pharaoh, Ethan.
It is yours.
You are enslaved to not being
me.
Maybe, maybe you don't
know me that well, huh?
- Maybe.
- Maybe I don't know you that
well?
- Yeah.
- What do you say we have lunch?
- There is a kosher place
right by your office.
- It is a start.
Tell you what.
You don't have to eat the lamb.
- No, that is not being serious,
Dad.
That is taking a love bribe.
- Nikki, are you against a
love bribe or are you still
mad that I backed out of
Sexologizer?
- You just made a decision
based on Mom's feelings, right?
Are you now saying that
Ethan's are more important?
- That is the first time I
heard you defend your mother.
- Answer my question.
- Ethan this must be
proof that God exists!
The day your sister defends
your mother is the day
God will permit you to eat some
lamb.
- Moses, my tukis.
If every judge thought
like you, the Fourth Reich
would run the world and
we would all be dead.
You are milk-livered,
Ira, you always were.
- Pop, you are stuck in the
past.
You always were.
- What stuck?
I brought you to America.
- Why do you always carry
around this suitcase?
- Because I am smart.
You never know when the
bastards are coming,
especially nowadays.
- You have been carrying
it around for sixty years.
- So?
I am a survivor.
And if I didn't keep surviving
your mama,
and your two brothers
and your sister would
have died for nothing!
- But I am here, Pop!
- Yeah, you are here.
- Yeah, I am here.
I am here!
I may not read Hebrew like David
or
or sing like Imre, or make
the sun shine like Magdi.
But I am here, Pop.
I am here!
I survived!
- You survived, and for what?
Six generations of
Stuckmans made fine hats.
Hitler murdered our whole
family,
but he couldn't take that away
from me.
But you did.
Why?
- I am sorry, Pop.
I am sorry.
- I miss them.
I miss them.
- I know you do.
- Well, I will give you one
thing.
Your mother, she didn't care
much about
the hat business either.
- She didn't?
- No, she always said,
"Artur, you have such a
beautiful voice you should be a
cantor."
Ira.
Let Ethan do what he wants.
- Thank you, Grandpa.
- Wait.
It is not going to be a fair
decision until Mom speaks.
- It freaks me out that
you are a regular kid.
- Wait until you get to know
him, he's a regular yutz.
- What is a yutz?
- Mom?
- I don't really care
what Ethan eats anymore.
- No, Lionel is right.
I owe you, Peg.
Not only for all the
wonderful Seders you have made
but especially for this one.
- Thank you.
- You know, your mother
always believed in me.
She believed in me when I
started a Christmas business.
I believed in making her
happy, making her proud
and I worked hard.
Oh, geez.
Then I would come home tired and
expecting some gratitude, you
know?
Stupid, huh?
It didn't matter that she
was busy raising you guys
working for the Autism Society.
So that is when we stopped
talking and I started yelling.
Yeah, there was another woman.
She looked a lot like your
mother,
she was very sweet to me.
We kissed.
One night, we took a hotel room&
- Dad.
I think I can speak for
all of us when I say,
none of us needs to hear this.
- Please, Ethan, let me finish.
- Dad, it is like the
end of The Wizard of Oz
when Dorothy goes on
and on about everything
that she has learned?
We are all Dorothied out.
- Zeke, please.
And you know what?
I ran out of that room,
because I love you, Peggy.
And I always have.
I love the way I used to make
you laugh.
You remember when we moved into
the house,
we had that pizza and we tried
to reheat it with a candle?
Do you remember that?
I know you don't believe
that guy exists anymore.
I know that.
I mean, after all these
years of bullying you and
screaming at the kids, never
paying any attention to you
never listening to your
thoughts.
I swear to you I am not that man
anymore.
- People don't change in one
night Ira.
- I can try.
- Well, I guess Ethan is free
to eat his matzo and salad.
- Maybe he'll get matzipated.
Get it?
Matzo and constipated?
- Grandpa.
Kosher?
- Of course.
- Hey, hey, where are you going?
- It is okay.
Kiss your wife.
- Rafi.
Stay.
You helped us with the tent.
You went through hell with us.
Come on, sit down.
Stuckman.
I stay.
- Ethan, what is left?
- Eat the Afikomen, two cups of
wine,
and open the door for Elijah.
- Pass the Afikomen.
- "Blessed are you, Lord our
God, Ruler of the Universe
who creates the fruit of the
vine."
- Ethan.
Teach us that song.
- It is really for any holiday,
anytime you are thankful to
be around the ones that you
love.
"Blessed are You, Lord
our God, who brings us to
this moment of joy."
- Come on, Ethan, sing for us.
- Zeke, go get the door for
Elijah.
- I didn't even knock yet.
- Shaffer?
- Hey, man, your family sings?
That is cool.
Hey, it couldn't have been that
bad, huh?
- Yeah. I mean, no.
I mean, thanks.
Thanks, dude, really.
- Whoa, man, whoa.
Do not get all sarcastic on me,
okay?
Look I am sorry that I jacked
you over.
I was sorting pills when my
dad got home and I freaked.
You know, I started
mixing in the perkies with
the jolly beans and then
the roofies were there and
basically, you got kiddie
aspirin.
They look alike, you know?
The pills, they all blend
together.
Anyhow.
Here is the Touch-God X.
It is real.
Hey, we're hitting a
banging rave a little later.
You want to roll with us?
- No.
No, thanks.
- Whatever, man.
Later man.
- So, your cell phone
does it have a number?
- Rafi, about the tent.
- Next year, rain-proof!
- Next year in Jerusalem!
- One more time!